a-deepsoul

[a-deepsoul]

~~~

Once again, I was trying hard to suppress a heavy sob when I got myself again between a rock and a hard place. I know it's like going overboard but I am truly in a situation wherein it's hard for me to reach out. I still have a pile of work to do but I'm here, lying in bed thinking about when will things be easy on me? Oh silly me, I know there's no such thing haha. Well I hope I can still have a grip on hope, even just a tiny bit of it, then I'll be fine...

#notebooks #writing #quotes #emotions #life story #painful #personal diary #narrative #life struggles #sad thoughts #sharing thoughts

[a-deepsoul]

~~~

Here I go again— lying in bed drowning in a stream full of unsaid thoughts. I'm tired of trying... when will it end?

#notebooks #writing #painful #sad thoughts #sharing thoughts #emotions #alone with my thoughts #mentally tired

[a-deepsoul]

~~~

For once, I wanted to ask myself if how long should I last on becoming an option.

Everyone believes that whatever things they may ask of me, I would gladly respond quickly without having a second thought. In terms of time and effort, I can say that I gave my all since this is how I treat my precious ones. However, it saddened me thinking that they only know me when things get tough, well that's what I believe. I was telling them, although in an indirect way, that I was hurt of how they treat me. It's as if I am ignored when things are better, then important when things get harder. I keep on telling myself that it's fine, because I know what they've felt that's why. I chose to understand but it keeps coming back to me the emotions in which I have kept hidden for the longest time.

I always tried holding back my tears every time they ask me if I was okay, or how are things going in my life. Well apparently, they knew me as a person whose life is kind of a turtous but still able to look firm and strong in front of everybody, but never did they know that this person can also get sick and tired of her unending disappointments, unappreciated efforts and this endless feeling of frustrations in every predicaments.

I also want to be understood, to be cared and to be loved just like what I am to them. Honestly, I sincerely felt their grateful hearts whenever I comforted them, but could they also felt my sentiments? How about me? Would I always stuck to being an option?

#writing #inspiring quotes #life quotes #emotions #quotes #painful #notebooks #life story #struggle #life lessons #myself

[a-deepsoul]

I'm hurt, and I feel the urge to cry right now.

#notebooks #writing #quotes #life quotes #emotions #personal diary #quote #hurtquotes #painful

[a-deepsoul]

March 1, 2023

So yeah, it feels like a deja vu...

First day of this month and I was here again lying in bed, had a lump in my throat and was blinking away the tears. I'm so frustrated of what is going on with my mind rn. It's like a random wave of sadness that comes out of nowhere, and is slowly attacking my emotional nerves. I wanna cry so bad that I wanted to instantly hug somebody I first saw. It is so heavy...

You know, honestly, the reason why I blurted out my feelings here is that I can't afford to buy those things that would actually help me to study with my lessons, but sadly, I only have a small amount of money, and yeah, it hurts sometimes that whenever I wanted to eat something or buy something, but I can't just casually spend my money like that because I'm trying so hard to live frugally— where I have to use money in a minimal costs and buy what's only necessary. So this was literally making me frustrated— not just because I grew up in this kind of living, but the fact that I felt like my hopes are starting to falldown slowly is what makes me feel weak. The moment when I think about those beneficial things, and all I can do is to look at it coz' I couldn't even buy any. The thought of being here, far from home, from my parents, and all that I've been through only to continue studying— for my family, for me, for my future... I've been trying every single day to endure every hardships that I've been experiencing lately. I stayed and still keeping my feet on the ground, and even if I lack financially, and is mentally exhausted, still, I'm trying to figure out some ways to surpass this. I know it's too shallow and quiet overreacting, but I just can't get it off in my mind that's why I reacted this way. I need to work harder than before. This is the only way I could payback everything that my parents sacrificed for.

#notebooks #writing #quotes #inspiring quotes #personal diary #emotions #life quotes #quote

[a-deepsoul]

FEBRUARY 1, 2023

It seems that my first day of the month wasn't that good. I feel like I wanted to cry...

First thing in the morning, I forced myself to finish my tasks. Honestly, I don't want to get up in bed. I'm too tired of my loaded duties last night, and my eyes are heavy as if it was totally exhausted. I tried to shut my eyes for a bit then decided to finally get up. I started working my ass off, and then when I finish everything, I was told to accompany them somewhere. That moment was like nauseous for me, I feel dizzy and quite lethargic. I remembered that I didn't have lunch since I got to finish everything first. Then suddenly, unknowingly, it was like I was hit by a hammer straight into my heart when I found out that it was me whom they blame about something I didn't even do. I was quite taken aback with what I found out. I asked myself that time if what more could I do for them when I've already used up all my efforts..., and realizing, I got nothing for myself... How much can I endure for them to know my worth?

#notebooks #writing #inspiring quotes #emotions #life quotes #quotes #personal diary #quote

[a-deepsoul]

JANUARY 23, 2023

(THOUGHTS)

It's been a long tiring days... how's your life going? I know you're stuck again with how you're going to handle your emotions over how you face such humdrum routine work. I know you felt disturbed by every actions you've made that seemed to be a mistake for them. I know you wanted to distance yourself but you just can't, and this literally making things hard for you. Please be patient for as long as you can, for I know that all of this shall pass... just wait.

#personal diary #quotes #notebooks #writing #inspiring quotes #emotions #life quotes #quote

[a-deepsoul]

~~

When my friends told me about their rants in life, and most especially with their studies, I wouldn't hesitate to lend an ears to what they share to me. I am giving enough time to hear their thoughts because I know the feeling of being alone without someone to rely on in times of difficulty. I've been there, and I don't want them to feel as if they don't have anyone to talk to.

#notebooks #writing #quotes #emotions #friends #inspiring quotes #quote #life quotes

[a-deepsoul]

December 15, 2022

Hello self, how are you? I guess you're not fine at all. Well, again as I expected.

As of this moment, I could still vividly remember all those good times I had when I was in my indolent stage— not wanting to take responsibility yet, and just having fun without worrying about other things. Way back, I was really fond of enjoyment where I always hangout with my friends. You know I've always been a person who seems to like going on to different places and have fun. But now things have changed, and I seldomly go out, I hardly even pick up a right day for me to join with my friends because of my loaded duties. I feel so envious that my friends got to find some time to have fun or hangout with their family, or give some time for themselves, while me... haha I'm stuck here— helping out with the store, looking out for my cousins' children, helping with the chores and laundry, and struggling with my studies.

I miss my life before...

#notebooks #writing #personal diary #life struggles #missing friends #going out #emotions #duties #unknown

[a-deepsoul]

~~~

At this point of time, I can no longer think right. I know I am capable of doing things alone, and I hardly survive with all of it while I remain still. I can't focus or keep my balance much longer with all these pile of problems on my back. Pressures, failures and disappointments are getting worst. Negativity consumed me, and it suffocates the hell out of me. I'm tired... really. I'm having my breakdowns every night, and then I get up in bed every morning and act as if I'm fine, where actually there is something going on with my mind. I was exhausted, and I desperately need a damn rest... but how? I was loaded with work that I need to finish by the end of day, plus I have to study at night since I never got to attend my morning classes. It's frustrating, I know.

That's the reason why I am slowly changing, because of the situation I'm in. Well, I can't blame anyone, for I know God has a reason for all of this. He wants me to build up my strength and hold onto my faith. He wants me to ask for Him, and to reach Him, and talk to Him. I am sad and I wanted to cry so bad. I know I'm not the only one who suffers from the pain that life has given, and so I want everyone to see the goodness in God's heart. We are all trying to survive, and let us all reach God's hand.

#writing #life quotes #personal diary #sharing thoughts #positive thoughts #positivity #faith #goodness #notebooks

[a-deepsoul]

Behind those smile is a pain you know nothing about, so stop messing around.

#quotes #writing #unknown #life quotes

[a-deepsoul]

TRUST AND BETRAYAL

As what I've experienced, eversince, I admit that I am a person who easily give my trust to anyone.

Way back when I was still young, I've been with my aunt the whole time; like we were hanging out together, vibing in somewhere places and sing together like there's no tomorrow. She was the person whom I trusted in my whole life. I shared every happenings in my life to her, I never hid any secret from her, and mostly, I treated her truly like she was my second mother. Even my mom knows how strong our bond is.

Then later on, something terrible happened that broke me apart. My trust turns into an unexpected mistrust. I felt betrayed, and disappointed all at once. I don't know how to react that time, and devastation consumed me. The person whom I trusted so much was the person who degraded, badmouthed me to other people saying that I cannot even go to college by myself, nor even I can pursue a profession someday.

Through that incident, I sudden realized, it was the first time I have lost my trust to anyone. She belittled me and look down on me for the sake that she can encompasses my capabilities as a person, and to rise above me for some reasons. I tried to ignore her, forget everything and move on. I talked to my mom, and she knew everything, even before I do. She told me that I can do it, and she believes in me. No words of her(my aunt) will make me give up in my dreams, nor even my thought of going to college. My mom woke me up from that worst nightmare. I am thankful that she's there for me and never leaves my side. After all, I don't just gain pain, but I also learned.

#life lessons #life story #motivation #writing #notebooks #trustandbelieve #mistrust #belittling #betrayal

[a-deepsoul]

Yeah, all you have to do is to regret the things you never did before the time runs out.

“Sadly, sometimes it’s too late. That’s the thing about time: we cannot get it back.”

— Unknown

[a-deepsoul]

“Soft hearted people are not fools. They know what people did to them but they forgive them again and again because they have beautiful hearts.”

— Unknown

[a-deepsoul]

“Well, we all make mistakes, dear, so just put it behind you. We should regret our mistakes and learn from them, but never carry them forward into the future with us.”

— L.M. Montgomery

[a-deepsoul]

When you explain your side to someone and ended up great, it feels like you've accomplished something big in your whole damn existence.

#writing #quotes #notebooks #positivity #achievement #relieve #relatable quotes #inspiring quotes #life quotes

[a-deepsoul]

Some words better left unsaid.

I am upset and wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but I chose to be quiet. I wanted to talk and explain, but my mouth just couldn't. All the words I've been receiving cut deeper than the knife, and it left my heart an ineradicable scar. I was so disoriented that I couldn't find ways to get rid of these puzzled emotions. I'm hopeless, I'm down, and it hurts... so much that it's now becoming unbearable. How? How can I become perfectly fine with all these pain I've been feeling for almost my teenage years? It's like getting heavier each day. I felt suffocated.

This happened suddenly when I turned to be someone who seemed to realize the reality in every passing day. I've changed, and I knew it right from the start. All those sweet gestures lures me, only to know that I was baited to be benefitted and used by many for their own satisfaction. I came to my senses, but... it was too difficult for me to act selfishly since I'm not used to it. I want to tell everybody how I felt but I forced myself to keep silent rather than making it worse.

#writing #notebooks #emptiness #teenage life #mentally exhausted #unsaid #mentally tired #life quotes #life story #painful #emotional #mixed emotions #my story #my words #sharing thoughts #personal diary #relatable quotes #quotes