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the life i gave away: Oikawa Tooru x Reader

warning: angst

note: it's kind of complicated because i got lazy in the end. IM BAD AT WRITING ROMANCE WHETHER IT'S ANGST OR FLUFF— I AINT GOOD. sorry bout that. anyway, i still had fun writing this. it absolutely, definitely, truly satisfied my masochist ass. welp, enjoy reading—i hope i make you cry :P

Your relationship with Oikawa was not something you took for granted. Being around him changed your life so much that you went from a seed to a blooming flower full of vibrance.

He would make sure you give yourself love every time you felt conscious.

“I’m sorry, Tooru. It looks like I’m wasting your time. I just . . . don’t know what to wear; they don’t seem to fit me,” guilt was written on your face.

Both of you were supposed to go on a date, but you were taking too much time to decide what you’d wear. You were concerned that he might find it annoying, knowing him, he values his time so much. Soon, that thought vanished when you saw his lips form into a pout.

“(Y/n), how could you say that! I’m looking at the most beautiful lady I’ve ever seen in my life. Leave those dresses and not a single thing would change. You’re still gonna be beautiful!”

You felt your cheeks simmer at his words, and you ended up flashing him a beaming smile. Well, what did you expect from this man? You wouldn’t complain about this trait of his, though. It simply became your solace.

“You always say that, Tooru.”

“It needs to be said!”

He would support you every time you felt down.

“I’m so done, Tooru. I don’t even know if I’m making any progress. Sometimes, I wish I was just like you.”

It was true. There were several times you’d wish upon the stars that sometimes you were just like him. But it wasn’t because you envied him and his abilities; in fact, you loved everything about it. It was just that your own abilities made you worry because compared to him, you felt like you were walls behind him.

That you might not have been good enough for him.

Oikawa welcomed you in his embrace. You immediately felt a little better solely by feeling his warmth.

“Don’t say that, babe! I believe you have made a lot of improvement this month, and I know it—we all know it. You just don’t notice your own hardwork.” He started caressing your hair back and forth.

You buried your face in his chest, letting out all your tears as you succumbed to his embrace.

“And if there’s someone cooler than me, of course it would be you! No other than you, my love.” He kissed your head and hugged you tighter.

You let go from his hug but his arms were still around your waist. His other hand cupped your cheek and stared at your eyes longingly.

“I don’t ever want to see you like this, (Y/n). I witnessed your hardwork day after a day, and this is how you treat yourself? Since then, you have been working hard to become better and you—out of all people—failing to see your own potential, just breaks my heart.”

Tears cascaded through your cheeks once more and he used his thumb to wipe them away. He leaned in closer to your face.

“I want you to know that you are the most coolest person in the world—well, of course, including me!”

You wanted to lift your hand and smack his head but instead, all you could do was laugh at his remark. A smile curled on his lips when he finally saw you laugh again.

You pulled him in for a kiss on the lips. “I love you so much, Tooru.”

“And I love you so much, too. Don’t you dare forget that. Alright?”

Not only that, he would also reassure you every time you were in doubt.

Fangirls were lingering around him and you couldn’t help but feel sour about it. It was understandable since he was all that. But somehow, it just didn’t feel right. Why was he allowing it? He was even smiling while talking to them.

You gripped the chocolate drink that you were supposed to give him and turned your back to leave. But before you could even disappear from his sight, his orbs caught a glimpse of your existence leaving the place.

“Oh, there she is!” He pointed a finger to your direction.

You bit your lower lip when you heard his voice. You knew he was going your way so you pretended as if you heard nothing and kept on walking faster. But to your misfortune, he grabbed a hold of your wrist and even pulled you closer to him to hug you.

“Here she is, (Y/n) my absolute gorgeous girlfriend! See, now? I didn’t lie when I told y’all she’s a blessing God bestowed upon me!” He gave you a quick peck on the cheeks.

Your eyes widened. What exactly were they talking about? And then it struck you. They were talking about you—no, he had a smile on his face because HE was talking about you. Your cheeks heated and your boyfriend did not fail to notice that. When the fangirls left, Oikawa’s arm enveloped your waist.

“Hmm, I knew exactly what you were thinking right then.” You met with his gaze and before you could even utter a single word, he flashed a smile. “How many times do I need to tell you that you’re the only lady I would die for? How could you forget that, my love!”

“I’m sorry, Tooru–”

He crossed his arms and pouted. “No. Unless you call me ‘babe’ or ‘love’ I will forgive you!”

You chuckled at the sight before leaning closer to his face. You closed your eyes and kissed him. “I’m sorry, love.”

He was everything.

“Happiest birthday, babe!” You approached him with a cake on your hand.

You surprised him with his teammates. You could tell by looking into his eyes that he was trying hard not to cry because it would be embarrassing for his teammates to see him cry over a birthday surprise. Anyway, it was fine with him if it was just you.

You raised the cake to his level so he could make a wish and blow out the candles. As soon as he did it, you kissed him on the lips and sang him a happy birthday song.

He was truly grateful that he was able to spend another year of his life with you. He couldn’t ask for more.

Everything hinged on your relationship with him.

The two of you were stargazing because you were too full to sleep. Oikawa knew you loved peering at the celestial sphere, so he stayed with you. The night sky was a canvas for your eyes, and your boyfriend’s presence made everything else appear brighter, livelier, and more wonderful.

He noticed your fingers brushing against his and made the first move to grasp your hand.

“You know, (Y/n), sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without you," he said without looking at you.

You smiled. “Nothing would’ve changed. You’re still gonna be the best setter and captain of Aoba Johsai. Trust me . . . you’re going to make it far without me.”

His body stiffened as he turned his head to you. “Okay, stop, stop, stop! I don’t like where this is going! I simply don’t wanna hear anything about what you’re gonna say.”

“But we both know that, Tooru. You are fine without me, and if ever . . . if ever we part ways–”

He covered your mouth. “I said I don’t wanna hear it, babe,” he shook his head multiple times.

You removed his hand from your mouth and held his cheek. “Okay, I’m sorry. I love you, Tooru.”

“I know and I love you, too.” He held your hand which was holding his cheek. “Just promise me one thing.”

“I’m ready to give you the world, Tooru. What is it?”

Oikawa closed the 4 inches distance of your faces. “Stay with me in perpetuity through good times and bad times.”

“Of course, Tooru. For you, I will and I would! I love you so much!”

You kissed each other under the pale moonlight of a clear, starry night. The cold of the night made it more intimate, but at that moment the only thing on your mind was how much you liked the feeling of his lips against yours. His hands were holding your waist and your own were clinging to his shoulders. You were so happy, so in love with him, so captivated by your shared kiss, that you held him as if your life depended on it.

It was a night of bliss, love, and paradise.

But of course, you did the same. You supported and loved him just as much as he did to you.

“Tooru, it’s already evening. You can continue practicing tomorrow. Please come home and rest for now,” you told your boyfriend who was sweating because of endless practices.

“You can go home. I still have a lot to do,” his tone sent shivers to your spine. At this point, you wanted to convince him to rest but cat got your tongue.

So you stood there. Waiting for him until he finished.

Your heart ached as you watched your boyfriend hold his knees and gasp for breath. Your feet led you to him, eventually.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). I just . . . I need to become better.” He wiped the sweats that had gathered on his forehead.

You held him by the shoulder to assure him. “Love, you’re already better. Your skills never failed to amaze me.”

“But it’s not enough!”

You flinched at his sudden rise of voice, but you knew he was just infuriated, so you held him tighter. “Remember what you told me, Tooru? You have been working hard. I witnessed that and I hope you witnessed it, too.”

And there you observed how his eyes toned down when he met yours.

“There were never days when your skills weren’t better when your spikes weren’t the best when your abilities seemed to be the worst. You are the best player I have ever supported and you will always be the person whom I idolize the most! And I will continue to support you until I die. Until your hair turns grey and you remain passionate about volleyball—I will do that, I will continue to support you. Forever. So please, come home and get some rest. You need it, love.”

Tears escaped from his eyes just as his frustration left his body. He melted hearing your words and most saliently, he loved it. He was deeply moved to hear those words from you, from the person whom he wanted to impress the most.

You pulled him into a tight hug. His arms were wrapped around your waist, and he heaved deeply as he nuzzled his face into the crook of your neck. You shivered as he toughened his hold and breathed gradually through his nose. Your fingers enthralled securely into his jersey at the bottom of his neck as you felt the tingles raise on your skin. He was warm.

“Let’s go home, love,” you whispered in his ears.

Although, you didn’t expect it all to start falling apart. Both of you didn’t.

“Who was the guy you’re with? I’ve been noticing his constant presence with you. Explain this, (Y/n)!” your boyfriend exaggerated.

You chuckled at his facial expression. “Love, calm down. Now is not the time to be dramatic. He’s just a classmate.”

“Well, he better be 'cause I noticed how he looks at you, and nope! I definitely do not condone that action!”

You wrapped your arms around him. “You don’t have a thing to worry about. I’m always yours, Tooru. You have claimed me already.”

But days turned into weeks.

“I’m sorry I was late to your game, Tooru! Ruki and I were paired on a project and we had to fix it over since it had a minor damage. I’m really sorry! I promise I will make it up to you!"

“What, why was it damaged?”

“He dropped it last three minutes before the deadline. Neither of us could afford to receive a low grade because of that.”

He sighed before pulling you closer to him. “It’s okay, but I will forgive you on one condition.”

“Anything!”

“Okay then! Give me 3 kiss on the lips,” he grinned before puckering his lips.

And weeks turned into a month.

You skipped lunch with Oikawa because your partner on a certain project was nowhere to be found so you had to work alone—at least this time it wasn’t Ruki though. When you finished, you went straight to the gym, where you knew your boyfriend would be.

As soon as you opened the door, your eyes roamed around trying to find his figure and there you saw him . . . you saw him eating lunch with a girl. You shook away the negative thoughts forming inside your mind.

“He wouldn’t do that to me. I trust him.” you whispered to yourself. You approached them slowly, but the girl stood up as soon as you got close.

“I’ll be leaving now, Tooru. I forgot to give this to my brother. Let’s eat again together next time!” The girl waved goodbye to your boyfriend.

You huddled in confusion as to why that girl was calling your man by his first name, and why your boyfriend was smiling and even waving back at the girl.

“What’s going on? Who was that?” you inquired as you sat down next to him.

“Just a friend.” He stood up from his seat and walked away, leaving you dumbfounded.

You chased after him because you thought he might be sulking. “Tooru, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to eat lunch with you. My partner was not prese–”

He came to a halt and scoffed, not looking at you. “Present. He was not present. Honestly, (Y/n),” there he finally faced you. “When will you stop using those excuses? I’m getting tired of them.”

“I’m not! Tooru, this isn’t an excuse. He really wasn–”

“Of course, he wasn’t there. That’s what you were going to say, right?” he narrowed his eyes. “Let me guess, the next time you’ll be late, it’ll be because your partner didn’t show up or damaged your project.”

You couldn’t speak but you felt tears forming in your eyes. You tried to understand that he was just saying all these because he was extremely upset with you. That he still had trust in you no matter what.

He let out a small laugh. “What? Cat got your tongue? Maybe because I was right,” he turned his back on you. “Please leave for now.”

It was what he wanted, and you wanted to do him a favor, so you left the gym disheartened by his words.

And month after a month.

Today was your anniversary with Oikawa but there was no sign of him everywhere. He wasn’t at school, inside the gym, or at his place. You called him but he was not answering and it made you worry. What on earth could have happened to him? You were so worried that you wanted to call the police, but your panic calmed down when you saw his instagram update.

Your heart beat faster . . .

It was a photo of him with the same girl he ate lunch with. Nothing hurt you more than what was written in the caption, “Thanks to her, I’m gonna ace the quiz. Watch me.”

And faster.

Your breath hitched as you stared at your phone longer than you could prevent your tears from falling. Why was he studying with her during your anniversary?

You couldn’t bear the pain anymore so you called him multiple times. But yet . . .

He wasn’t answering. He probably was enjoying his time there studying, than celebrating his anniversary with you.

You felt your heart break.

“How could you have forgotten about our anniversary? Worse, you were studying with another girl on our anniversary!” your voice was filled with pain and frustration.

“Oh, did you want me to study with you? Weren’t you too busy prioritizing your project partners than me? How come you’re complaining.”

“I—what . . . Tooru! Why would you think that?! I wasn’t prioritizing them. I was concerned about my grades! I don’t want to fail, I’m a graduating student!”

He averted his gaze and laughed furiously. “That’s always your reason. Always about your grade. Always about your project. Always about your project partner missing. God, (Y/n)! Why can’t you just say it to me that you do not want me anymore!”

“Because that’s not the truth!” your face heated because of the pressure you were feeling inside. “I don’t ever want to be away from you. I don’t want to spend my life without you–”

“Those are just words, (Y/n).” He turned his back on you.

And break.

You took the opportunity to hug him from behind as you sobbed. “Please, Tooru, if you would just listen to me . . . I don’t ever plan on replacing you. You are the person whom I hold dear in my heart, please don’t make it hard for me to explain my side.”

“All I wanted was to celebrate our anniversary and make it up to you. It hurt me . . . i-it still hurts me that you chose to study with some girl from your class. I was waiting, Tooru—I was waiting for you,” you sobbed hard while hugging him.

You felt his palm holding onto your arm around his waist.

“I’m sorry, (Y/n). But I think we both need time to think. Let’s just talk about this tomo–”

You hugged him tighter. “No! Let’s talk it out now, please. I don’t want to end our conversation this wa–”

“You’re so selfish, (Y/n). Do you know that?”

And shattered into pieces.

Your grip slowly loosened and he took the chance to get away from your embrace.

“You think you’re the only one hurting? I counted how many times you would check up on me, message me, and call me because it mattered to me. But I guess to you it didn’t matter a single thing! You wouldn’t even dare to call me love or babe without me telling you to–”

“Th-that’s not true at all! Of course it mattered to me as well. I did call you love–”

His eyes narrowed. “You hated when you’re being cut off while speaking, yet you’re doing the same thing. To me.”

You were speechless.

“You never realized that, did you? I don’t wonder anymore.”

And it started. The stage where both of you hurt each other . . .

He was no longer the Oikawa Tooru you knew. He was becoming harsh and harsher to you.

“When . . . did all of this start exactly, Tooru? Was it the time you saw me with Ruki? Or when I arrived late on your game? Perhaps when I didn’t get to eat lunch with you–”

Oikawa clenched his fist. He was hurt, really hurt by the fact that you remember those moments well, yet you didn’t change. “You know it all so well, yet you couldn’t make a move to be better.”

He said it all out of anger, but his words were sharper than knives.

“Why don’t you go back make a project with Ruki? We both know you’re nothing without me, anyway.”

It hurt your heart as nothing else could. His words burned in your head, leaving you shaking from inside and outside. You couldn’t breathe properly; your lungs wouldn’t cooperate.

But you weren’t the only one hurting. He was too. He was deeply hurting inside, and he wanted to relieve the pain by hurting you back because it was you who hurt his feelings, after all.

“Tooru, how could you say that!”

“It needs to be said.”

Oikawa tried to hide the pain in his voice. He wanted to feel like he was in control of the conversation, that he would not cry because his target was to hurt you just as how badly you’ve hurt his feelings.

“Do you even hear yourself, Tooru? I was with him because he got paired with me and we were required to work together. I told you! I had no intention to replace you. You didn’t have to say tha–"

“Oh, shut up. You have a way with words, of course you’re gonna tell me that.”

But the fact was, he refused to listen because he knew he would melt at your words and come back in your arms. He knew his pain would die down once you spoke the most gentle words unto him.

"Tooru, please–”

“I’m tired, (Y/n). Let's talk this out tomorrow.”

He left the place without looking back.

“Tooru, please let me-”

You didn't finish what you were about to say when the fangirls surrounded him asking for a photo with him. You observed how his irritated face contorted into a gentle facial expression.

He wanted to stay there with you so bad, but something was just holding him back. He wanted to see you try chasing after him but it didn’t ever happen. The times you said you’d make it up for him, he was waiting. But nothing ever happened.

And he realized it’d be best to leave you alone for now. He needed a break from hurting you, but he also wanted to give you time.

Where both of you suffered . . .

You tried so hard to make it up to him but he wasn’t just getting contented. He wanted more, and you obliged. You gave him all your time, your efforts, and even your soul. But none of it seemed to work. He wasn’t liking it anymore. His views about your relationship with him were slowly changing.

It was becoming hard for the both of you.

So he chose to break up with you. He said he wanted to focus more on his career without a distraction.

Weeks later, you fell into depression after your professor warned you that you were failing. You didn’t have someone by your side. You and your boyfriend drifted apart and you needed someone at the moment. Your grades mattered more than your life and if you failed, you would have to try again.

But you were afraid of being left behind. And right now, you felt alone in the darkness.

You didn’t have proper sleep and eat for days because of stress. Your emotions were starting to control you and it felt like you were about to explode. You didn’t want to lose your dream, but you also didn’t want to lose him—though you already did.

You were losing track of your priorities in life.

Worse of all, you were losing yourself.

When Oikawa was informed about your situation, his pride died and his guilt drove him to visit you at your place. There he found you . . . he found the broken soul he failed to take care of.

He became angry with himself. He thought cutting ties with you was supposed to make things better for you, yet it only made things worse. He broke you even more.

He couldn’t understand it anymore. He was supposed to bring warmth to you, but he was the reason why you were drowning in despondency. He was supposed to make sure you’d give yourself love, but he was the reason why your love was out of stock because you gave your heart to him.

He was supposed to be there by your side and not leave you. But how was he supposed to do that if he was the reason you ended up in this situation?

You were already broken. Both of you were.

You knew, both of you knew, it was time.

Sobs filled the room. You were badly hurt, and he was too. He hasn’t seen you cry like this before—like a part of you died and could never be revived.

“(Y/n)! You’re going to kill yourself. Breathe! Breathe, (Y/n)!”

You were sobbing too hard that you couldn’t welcome the air through your nose. You held onto him so tight and cried harder. You were glad he was there. You really were.

When you finally gasped for air, you used it to speak to him.

“T-Tooru! Don’t leave me again! I’m not–I’m not partnered with a-anyone now! I’m sorry. I promise I will be better. I won’t complain anymore,” then again, you gasped for breath. “I’m sorry, Tooru . I’m sorry I hurt you, I made you cry, angry, and upset. I’m sorry. Please–”

Your words were cut when soft lips crashed against yours. Oikawa treasured the moment as he held you tight in his arms. He knew this was gonna be the last. You were wrecking yourself for him and he didn’t wanna witness it anymore. He wanted to free you from his chains.

Time when both of you had to free each other.

“Forgive me, (Y/n).” He cupped your cheeks. His nose and eyes were red from crying. “I did this to you. I cannot afford to watch you like this anymore. It’s because of me that you ended up in the darkness. Our relationship has become toxic, and I thought freeing you would solve everything. I was afraid that if we stayed further, you were gonna lose yourself. I was afraid it will damage you even more and I didn’t want that. But it happened . . . you lost yourself because I left you when I shouldn’t have. So right now, I want you to worry about nothing. I want you to start thinking about the things you love. I want you to live again.”

He kissed your forehead as he closed his eyes. “I love you, (Y/n). Please free yourself as I free you. I’m sorry.”

Your mouth was sealed. Your tears dried. The surroundings became lively again. You could see colors again. His words should've broken you, but instead, you were given hope. You knew if you stayed, you would break him because of your mistakes.

You wanted to try again but fate was telling you not to. So you bid goodbye. You both bid each other goodbyes. Like it didn’t hurt your soul. Like it didn’t hurt him whole.

But it didn’t end there. The story wasn’t finished.

Years have passed. You were now a successful journalist and you were told you’d be having an interview with a great athlete. You didn’t believe it until your manager came over to your office and told you that you were now able to meet him.

As you entered the room you were shocked to see a familiar man you hadn’t seen in years. Nothing has changed. He was still beautiful.

When his gaze met yours, he couldn't move a single finger. His world stopped at the sight before him. It was the lady he ever treasured in his life. The only lady he held dear, even until now.

Meeting you again was his dream.

You flashes a smile at him. “Good to see you again, Mr. Oikawa.”

Both of you had to come into realization . . .

The interview with him went well. He was planning on asking you out for a lunch date but he didn’t have the guts to—at first.

You stood up from your seat and so he immediately stood too. “It was nice meeting you again for the first time, Mr. Oikawa. I’ve heard a lot about your success. I must say, I’m truly proud of you!”

He was delighted to hear that. Though he wanted to hear you call him by his first name again.

“Me, too. I saw your name on articles and I’ve read a lot about you as well. Congrats, (Y/n), you’ve made it far.”

You remembered something. You remembered your own words to him.

“Please. You’re the one who made it really far! You don’t know how proud I am of you, Mr. Oika–”

“Tooru. Call me Tooru, like you used to,” he flashed a small smile. Before you could even reply, he talked again. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to eat lunch with me.”

“Oh,” you felt guilty. “I’m sorry, Tooru, but I have to meet with my fiancee. Maybe some other time?”

His body stiffened.

“You’re engaged?” his forehead creased. You raised your left hand to show him the engagement ring.

“Yes. Tobio proposed to me,” a smile formed on your lips. “Our wedding will be held next week and–oh! I was meaning to give this to Iwaizumi but I didn't see him around. Good thing you're here. I’m hoping if maybe you’d hand it to him.”

“S-Sure . . .” his mind was foggy. He couldn't accept the fact that you were already engaged to someone else.

You smiled awkwardly before remembering something.

“And here’s for you.” You handed another invitation to him. “Good thing I carry this extra invitation with me,”

He took it hesitantly without looking into your eyes. His hands were quivering and he was trying to prevent it.

“I’m looking forward to seeing you there, Tooru,” you smiled at him.

It was the amiable smile you ever gave him for the first time again. His heart broke. He knew that smile so well.

It meant it was the end.

He had lost his chance to win your heart again. His shoulders were shaking with the pain he was holding back as tears escaped his eyes. The tears started coming down his face like waterfalls. You gulped at the sight of him crying before you and all you could do was wipe his tears off.

You held his cheek. “Don’t cry, Tooru.”

“We parted our ways and we meet again, only this time you aren't mine anymore.”

Your heart skipped a beat. He was right.

You quickly pulled him into a hug. “Don’t think like that. There was a reason why we had to let go of each other, it led us here to where we are now—whole and successful.”

He hugged you back, tears still pouring down his cheeks. He wanted to cherish this moment before you let go of his grasp, again.

“(Y/n)?” he calls.

“Yeah?”

“Remember our promise?”

You felt guilty. “I’m sorry–”

“Fulfill it with him. Stay with him in perpetuity through good times and bad times.”

A tear escaped from your eye. You couldn’t fulfill it with him, so he reminded you to fulfill it with your fiancee. It hurt you. It hurt you that you caressed his hair while hugging him.

It was all you could do to show him the love you had for each other. You were so glad you got to spend your life with each other, but you knew that wasn't possible anymore now.

“Take care, Tooru. I want you to be happy, too. Both of us have a different life now, and we're even taking different steps. Continue living your life without me. You do not need me to be happy. Free yourself from the burdens of our love. You can do it, right?”

“I will never erase you from my life. Not ever. You're still a part of my life even now, even if we grow older and even if you lost your memory of me. I will continue loving you. It's better that way than to forget you.” He hugged you tighter.

“Very well . . . I love you, Tooru. Take care of yourself.”

That the life you both gave away was for the greater.

The people clapped their hands as you and your Kageyama Tobio kissed at the altar. It was one of the greatest moments in your life, but for someone, it was one of the heaviest moments in his life. Although he wanted to witness your happiness, there wasn’t a part of him that didn’t wish for this moment to end.

Oikawa wasn’t the type to go just to witness someone else's happiness. But he attended your wedding day because he wanted to see the happiness gleam in your eyes again.

He wanted to catch sight of that himself.

Your eyes met and you watched how his lips rose to form a small smile. His eyes were soft but there was a mixture of happiness and sadness in them. You smiled back at him and mouthed, “Thank you.”

He simply nod his head before you averted your gaze.

And this was the life you both gave away.

Oikawa realized that he could’ve been the groom. He could’ve been the one to kiss you on the lips in front of everybody.

And it was the life he gave away. It was the life you gave away.

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu x reader #oikawa x reader #haikyuu angst #oikawa #oikawa tooru #oikawa angst

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