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The mistress

So I think i recall telling you guys about carlos. Well my hoe ass got caught by his girlfriend. I;m not a hoe but in her eyes i’m the sluttiest dirty hoe bag ever. SHe asked me and I came clean about everything that happened between me and her boyfriend. Even the other girls. She said thank you and i apologized. .. well someone’s about to drag my name through shit... Oh well. I actually feel so much better about all this. I mean I think in the end I’d still do it. mostly because that was a huge turning stone in my life... i’d be a completely different person if i hadn’t. what do you guys think?

#carlos #hoe #slut shame #sorry #not sorry #clean #new #truth

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Dark thoughts

Lately... since i’ve been home that is, lately i feel death closing in. I blink and i feel the darkness creep into my eyesight, my heart slows and i cannot breath. I was somewhat depressed in high school (self diagnosed, family diagnosed, friend diagnosed) and it happened all the time. I kept punching the wall just so i could feel tethered to my own life or soul.

#death #affraid #desperate #why #help

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Update

Not pregnant but aunt flo has yet to visit.... what is up with my body?

#baby #maybe #devin #cyst #idk

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Paranoia

After so much time thinking about babies, I realize i stopped thinking about my period. Turns out i’m like maybe ten days late so far. Could be stressed, could be the pill, or could be the highly unlikely chance that Devin’s sperm were great swimmers. hmmmmm I think i’ll buy a test just in case. I will keep you posted...

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Confession 12/23/2016

I keep thinking about babies. I made a post about babies a couple days ago. I smell them everywhere. I hear them crying everywhere. I find myself sneaking over to my aunts house just so i can hold her newborn baby. He’s so sweet and i just love him so much. I’ve been watching re-runs of “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” and all i can think of is babies. I am way way way way too young to be thinking of babies. I have no way of financially supporting one. Truth is I’ve wanted my very own since i could last remember... weird but true. I kept staring at myself in the mirror while i was holding the baby. I loved the way i looked with him, i loved the way it felt to hold him. My boobs got bigger and i’ve gained wait, and i’m hungry..... but i am pretty sure that’s just side affects of the birth control i started using. I’m supposed to start my period tomorrow. I’m so conflicted on whether or not i want to miss it. What am i saying?!! of course i don’t want to miss it... 

#secret life #babies #my baby #boobs #hungry #mommy may i

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Truth

I steal my favorite Uncles clothes from time to time. He’s my mother’s adopted younger brother. I used to have the biggest crush on him, he isn’t that much older than I am. But now I just take his stuff. I have two of his caps and one of his shirts. Mine now. Well he knows i take them. So is it really stealing?

#love #my #uncle #weird #oh #whale

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Confession 12/19/2016

I used to think about my death a lot. Never during the day. No. It was always at night. Right after my mother had tucked me in, and she turned of the lights. I’d lie there, in my bed, thinking about how well/bad my day had gone. it was as if it saw space in between each of my individual thoughts, and it just slipped in. I would picture my future. About my future children, my siblings, my family, and then i’d fall. I’d fall and land with a great big THUMP into a tight space. A dark space, A box. I would bang and bang on the walls, until i closed my eyes. I’d feel myself slip into darkness. My death. and then I’d open my eyes and slap my fist into my wall, to make sure i was alive. My heart beating radically, my nerves on edge, and my fist throbbing from pain.... I used to do that every night before I fell asleep, and it wasn’t until very recently that i began to do that again.. I wonder why. Now more than ever am I afraid to close my eyes. I think about my death. I must be bored if that is the only thing troubling me. I am afraid. Maybe it is a sign.

#death #reaper #sleep #life #afraid #shaking

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"SANA, SANA, COLITA DE RANA"

-Hechizo Ancestral De Mamás Mexicanas Para Curar Heridas Cabronas Por Andar De Pendejo Con Tus Amigos

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A Chicano lives in the space between the hyphen in Mexican-American

Juan Bruce-Novoa 1990: (via artisto702)

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She’s beauty, she’s grace, she throws a chancla at your face.

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#tacotuesday

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Confession 12/15/2016

Guys.... I just finished watching the movie Storks. And it made me realize how much i really, really, really, want a baby. Like i wanted to cry when the babies were delivered. I felt it in my heart how much i wanted one. Like i know that i’m not financially stable, and i am just starting out but oh my fucking god I want my own bundle of joy. I want so many!!!!! And i want to cry. I want to bawl, for how much i cannot have. For how unacceptable it is that i am the age i am and i already want to start a family. I would love them so much. That is something I know for a fact that i can see in my future. 

#baby #babies #storks #movies #love #family #babydaddy

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Confession 12/14/2016

Well here is a confession. I was a good girl. A very good girl. I stayed home, I did chores, I listened to mommy and daddy. I never went out on dates. I was sheltered all my life. So incredibly sheltered that I live out in a rural town surrounded by fields and crop,and in that rural town i live in the country, the edge of town. I only have two neighbors. There is no one else living around for about a mile or so. You’d think it wasn’t much but you have no idea how much people do not drive out in this direction. I was so sheltered that my social skills still need help. I don’t know much about my personality. Personally I think I am very strange, very boring, and very odd. I do not get comfortable very easily. Nor do i believe that I’ll ever make a personal connection with anyone.

True I sleep around a bit. But I guess I do that on purpose. I honest to god do not feel that I am worthy for a relationship. I am so messed up about it that I thought it was ok to sleep with Carlos, who was in a three year relationship. And sadly am planning to sleep with him again tonight. I cannot see myself acting all lovey dovey with anyone. I used to be able to picture him, dream about him, wish for him all the time. He would meet me in the most romantic setting, he would be entirely entranced by me and I by him. but no. not anymore.

As i’ve said before I do believe that it was my senior year that this switch completely happened. SEX. My senior year I was super horny. I only slept with with two guys by that the end of my senior year. Before college two guys, two times each. Big fucking whoop. I now do not know how many. It hasn’t been long. but i know for a fact that i would not be able to hold both hands up to represent how many boys .... boys, not men, I’ve slept with. I guess that insult would only insult myself. I am no woman. I am a girl. I am immature in this sense. I refuse to attach myself... That’s not true.

I am on tinder, bumble, okcupid.... that’s about it for now. Most of those guys i’d rather fuck with more than once but i am glad that i have only fucked with them once. Hit it and quit it. Only a couple of them ever asked for a second chance, in which i had understood that “hit it and quit it” was the way to go... No man, would ever want someone like me. Someone who is emotionally confusing, emotionally challenged. I don’t even know how to take a hug very well. Here I am complaining but I am way to scared for any of this. I am terrified. I think it will be a very long time before I find my Erwin ( Edge of 17 reference) (the movie hit me in the feels so bad, y’all should go watch it). But I am attached to Darrell, i am attached to Carlos and Devin. I could not hit it and quit it. I mean I never had sex with Darrell but i am attached to him.

I have not lived long. I have not experienced much. but i feel like i have lived too long. I don’t completely understand what I mean by that, but as i am sitting here at home in the dark, I feel as though my life is on pause and i feel alone. My mom has told me that i am replacing sex for comfort and that is not healthy. But i don’t know anyone in my life that will hold me and tell me it’s alright all day and night. No one. Why? Because they have their own lives to live.

I find that i enjoy marijuana. I learned that the summer after my senior year. I have not smoked as much as i have fornicated but i think i’d rather smoke. Now it’s legal... but not for me just yet. It’s going to be harder to get ahold of and if not just more expensive. b’ah. i want some rn but i can’t because of my strict household. i mean my cousins came over and we went out on the roof to vape. BIG FUCKING WHOOP. But it is a big whoop. It’s big to me. I feel like a huge mess. I feel like my life is a mess. I’m living too much in the present. I try not to think of the future... mostly because i cannot without wanting to cry... but meh. i wonder how stupid i sound. probably very stupid. I no doubt will read this again in the future And either have something to add or laugh because, yes this is kinda stupid.

#future #darrell #carlos #devin #love #sex #innocence #tainted #weed #420 #cannot be creative anymore

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Driving... yay ‘:D

I’m home for the break. Three more weeks... I am undeniably bored with my life and i’ve only been home for a couple of days, nearly a week. My father has decided for me that I will earn my drivings license. I am actually kind of excited. I fear for you other drivers out there. I apparently do not know how to stop very well, nor do i turn right.... or left lol. No but seriously I am trying and I am learning so i’m sorry, and i don’t want me to be doing what I am doing either.

#baby #learning #license #gettingthere #oh #whale

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BOIIIII IF I DO NOT GET ANY REAL POCKETS IN THESE PANTS, IMMA THROW A REAL FIT