chizakira

[chizakira]

Falling In to Out

At this point in life, I'm not really focused into having a relationship. But I know, if it comes, it comes. I've hated when people tell me that they like me for just a short time. Like, what exactly did you like about me? My bio? The way I chat? Or because I'm very responsive? There are so many things you may need to know before saying that to someone. Because I hate people when they're disappointed. We meet someone and of course people will try to impress you. What's underneath? Could you tolerate those things? It hurts when someone is disappointed because they've already made a version of me based on first moments so to slowly showing who I am, it feels wrong. I have to be this and keep up with the impression and expectations you've set. Oh it's hard to be people pleaser. I didn't choose to be this. But it's the constant dislike that even I don't approve of myself. And maybe that's why I'm going after their validation for me. Still trying to get this out of my system. What happens to small confessions? After saying they like me, I honestly don't feel the same back! I believe it takes time because I like someone for who they are, not in a fucking abstract love at first sight. I don't want to hurt feelings by lying to them and to myself. I take time to know them and hopefully they do the same. Most of the time I did get the chance to see them and honestly like them, they're at that stage that they're out of the picture. Please don't scatter your words without meaning it. I'm not from your past who hurt you and you don't need to do the same back to me from them. Before, I let someone use me to move on but I can't afford to do the same again. I thought I'm glad I could help with your trauma but I end up getting them too. It was never a wise choice. And here's to the year full of wrong choices 🍻

#chizakiwrites

[chizakira]

𝗙𝗥𝗘𝗘 𝗦𝗞𝗭𝗢𝗢 𝗟𝗘𝗘𝗕𝗜𝗧 𝗙𝗔𝗖𝗘 𝗦𝗩𝗚 🐰 !!

DL SVG file here: https://bit.ly/Ko-fi-Leebit-SVG

This is a scalable vector graphics file of SKZOO Leebit's Face :)) U can use this on your personal prints or maybe make some sticker with it. SVG files aren't gonna be pixelated, don't worry :D

I made this bc I was designing something for my sister. I haven't seen a clear one for this so I thought to make one :)) well, here you go!

🔌chizaki.carrd.co ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

#stray kids #skzoo #lee know #leebit #chizakidraws

[chizakira]

Annual Cycle

I know I've said that I will accept how things will turn out. But right now it just makes me sad thinking everything that i've encountered were just the same as last year. And right now, I'm still the same. The only thing different is that I'm not afraid of the next year.

Ah i got fired again? Different reason but still the same consequence if ever I accepted the offer. But no thanks; It's not worth it to push through things to which they will require more from me while I gave a lot to them already, not compensated properly. Now I don't know if I'm just really unlucky or something to ponder if i deserve this.

To the beautiful encounter I said, It's now something that slowly suffocates me. Something that I also experienced the same as last year. I know I'm too different and the standard is pretty low. But it never failed to make me think that my existance is so wrong. And even if I know I am a good person, better than those people, but since I am like this, I'm not even something to take serious. To you who made me think I'm so wrong by being like this, I'll never forget what you said that you've wished for so many times, and idk but maybe even now, for me to be a guy. I've always encountered that phrase from people and i've heard the context numerous times from you. It's stabbing me everytime and I wish I'm already dead. But hey, what can I do, you live in a world of wishful thinking.

It's almost the end of the year. I've wondered last year if I'm going to be the same next year, which is now. I wonder if I'm still a loser next year. But i hope i get another good thing even if i am a loser.

#chizakiwrites

[chizakira]

The missing piece.

As I feel less about everything, I thought maybe trying to find someone whom I can be obsessed with is a good idea since that’s what I did before when I was in high school and college to survive all shits. And I think I’ve found someone very worth it, I don’t even have to ask myself for some things. We have the same wavelength of talking so we really click in an instant. She’s very precious. Her whole existence is very refreshing to me. We have a lot in common and how the way we think. but even so, I’m surprised to see those qualities in another person. It’s weird how people mirror what you do to them, of course, in kindness since I’m so used to people taking advantage of me and how I treat them. I like her but I don’t think she sees in the same way. There are many factors to why can I say this,  and also, as I always do, I want to check if someone is just hyped to meet someone new. But still, as someone hoping so much for this very beautiful encounter, I hope I’m wrong about my thoughts. She has a special place in me, and like a missing piece I’ve been looking for a long time. I felt that she’s the destined person for me and I hope she likes me too but things are fine the way we are right now. I know I’ll get devastated if I know that we’re not really for each other. If eventually she gets a partner, I’ll support her. I want her to be happy because the world is too cruel, and she deserves to live happy, comfortable, worry-free life, even if I’m not the one who can provide that.

#ChizakiWrites

[chizakira]

The rain won't stop and is on the loop.

I hope the sun shines again. I hope the heat embrace me. I thought so, everything is just a cycle. A loop. Just as my last entry, I worried about losing someone. And yes, it might be you who I just met few months ago. Oh how the fate predicted it. It's still painful to think that a lot happened in just a week. I shouldn't have told you how i felt. Maybe it made everything complicated. But the other day, you were teasing me about us. It's so confusing and i think right now you just pity me. Maybe you could say 'no' so I will stop hoping because it might make you uncomfortable now. I still care about you but it pains me as i witness how the words we both thought are final, is just a blurry vision today. And here's to another year of surviving, gathering myself to live. Happy anniversarry of looping pain.

[chizakira]

Midyear Crisis

It’s that time of the year again where the sunset will be knocking on our backdoor before going down. That midyear where everything collapsed last year. Ah, how I hate sunsets very much.

When I was a kid, I went to my grandmother’s funeral and we went away at afternoon at sunset. We split up and I am with my mother and went to her work. I thought of the day where she’ll also be gone. I can’t go home alone. I know nothing about these roads. And I’ve thought of someone dying on a sunset. It feels so lonely.

I still can’t understand why people like sunsets until this day. Last year, when it knocked on me, I lost someone. I will keep on losing more people as I exist longer and that’s very sad to think. I don’t want more connection even if I want more because I know the disconnection will be more painful than the happiness of when we first meet.

It’s that season again. And I’ve been thinking what are the things and people I am going to lose this time.

#ChizakiWrites #life crisis

[chizakira]

The Past is Getting Old

I like recalling things from my past because I think those are my golden years. The peak of my life. And I kept on writing about them on my current journal and talk about them with my friends. I remember a lot of things and this includes my good old days so I can’t stop talking about them. Recently, I’ve been thinking much about what if there’s a chance to go back? I have this very weird feeling in the last seven days. I feel old. I’m not talking about how I aged up but I felt like I’m in the past. For example, the other day I woke up at around 5 AM and my body tells me,

Go stand up or maybe sit for a while because you need to be awake. In a few hours you need to be in school.

-and that was always my mindset when I was still a student. It felt weird and sad since I miss those days so much. But this feeling from past didn’t end there. I woke up the other day, and felt like I’m in our old house. I’m completely aware that I’m living in a different house, on a different city, and yet, my instinct tells me,

Stand up, all of your family members is already awake and you just woke up. Eat your breakfast while they are doing their own stuff, watching tv, doing their nails, etc.

-AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE IM IN THERE EVEN IF THE HOUSE SETUP IS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT! I currently live with my one sister and at that day, I felt like a teenager having my whole family back. I laughed and told my aunt that we’re back in that place while she looks looks at me in confusion. The feeling lasted for days. I don’t know if it’s the weather or my brain is deteriorating, unable to distinguish things. With some memories that just pops up in my head, without any trigger, I cry again and again. I’ve had enough of recalling things. It makes me feel more lonely, knowing that there was once a point in my life where everything is better. I felt stuck in this feeling of past. And so, the me who struggled to go back was now searching for a thing to bring me back to present. I have nothing much to anchor to this day. No good memories, no new friends, no new life changing event, no anything that I could think of so I will get attached from the current. After the feeling of being in past finally faded, I tried to recall things back then and it feels like it’s very very old. If I were to compare it, when my father talked about his student days, I was thinking of it in a very old setup. And I think my past was done too. It’s now getting old like that. There’s a new generation out there, on the peak of their life where I was before.

#ChizakiWrites #ChizakiRemembers #past #past life #good old days #good old memories

[chizakira]

I use ‘Naruto’ as a term to describe someone who dreams big, very optimistic, someone who doesn’t even consider failing or the other things that might come along the way. Somehow those people will learn to deal with them, still looking ahead to their dream. I was once a ‘Naruto’ and somehow lost it as I grow older. I’m kinda jealous with people being that kind of person. I want to be that again. But what’s more important are the people that makes it possible for you to become one.

#fanart #ChizakiDraws #naruto fanart #naruto #naruto uzumaki #sasuke #sasuke uchiha #sakura #sakura haruno #kakashi #kakashi sensei #kakashi hatake #MediBang #digital illustration #digital art #artists on tumblr #graphic art #character illustration #chibi heads

[chizakira]

are you gay?

Indeed ma'am

[chizakira]

To Tomorrow Me

January 31, 2018 13:58 Sorry, a bit dis-aligned so yeah. When can we stop this childish game? Still acting like a high school student. Are you dumb? It's me more than anyone else who knows that you're too tired to play this. I don't know why you can't break your own shell. But maybe because that shell that locks you from freedom, protects you from shit people who extends their freedom much and more than it should have. You aren't smart. But you're not dumb to be like this. Wake up dude. I don't know why people are so obsessed with love.

I have found my journal notebook from 2018. I’m still a college student and everything is good as it is. I may be stressing at some school works but I know I can get through it. I read this entry here that is kinda relevant until now and I can’t remember thinking about that before but thinking that this problem exists way back then, It must be something that causes more problems until now.

#journal #diary #ChizakiWrites #ChizakiRemembers

[chizakira]

living and breaking

#ChizakiDraws #artists on tumblr #adobe photosop 2020 #adobe photoshop #digital illustration #illustrators on tumblr #digital art #digital painting #digital aritst #art

[chizakira]

Time froze on my drawer.

I believe I'm still working at office last year. Kinda excited how they told us that we're moving to a new building in the next months.

It was also those times, NCOV 19 was on the news, started spreading throughout the world. Kinda scared and we will probably work from home in those next moments.

And so it started. It's not safe to work outside so we were working from home in months. Left my things in office and let them bring it to the new building. I know how incompetent our government is and I don't believe that we can go back right away.

Fast forward four months later, my life started crumbling. Something i hate about WFH set up is we can no longer distinguish work, and home, where we are supposedly resting. But the anxiety of work creeps onto my bed. And the thing that we should do more since we're already working from home, which is favorable to many, and vulnerable to the company abt their data.

I had a partner last year and in the middle of 2020, we broke up. I can't accept how things went. I did my best to prove I'm good. I never cheat. I help her with some works. So i don't know what's really wrong. And I believe, losing in touch with her physically contributed to that. And I believe this happened before. She's entertaining someone. Maybe she believes that person is more available than me. This is a lot of story to tell but in conclusion, I got more anxious with my ex and my work.

I quitted my job because I think I'm not fitted in and I'm not capable to work, with me who can't sleep and get's paranoid on every message I get. I'm better communicating in person and maybe that's why we can't understand each other as a team. It was a long story.

It was August when I resigned. I thought I need to fix myself first. I want some therapy but I'm always scared. And I'm afraid if my reasons are valid. I tried coping up little by little. I insisted to get back my things at work since I quit there. But the HR said I can't because the building is strict.

Until today where the stars finally aligned to get me back to office. Not really back but go to the new office I never worked in. I still don't have a job. People are prohibited to work at office yet. I was so anxious about going there. But it happened.

I finally unlocked my drawer that is almost a year closed. The smell of the office is still the same. It brings me back. I saw my graduation picture in it, as a remembrance when i graduated and my first job. My payslips. Some dishwashing paste. My belt that is missing. Sandals I've forgotten. My writings and notes for myself not to forget to log out before I go home. Tart I forgot to ate from my ex's mother, And a picture of me and my ex. It feels like everything just happened yesterday. I believe I didn't do anything wrong to went through all this.

#ChizakiWrites #ChizakiRemembers #covid virus #wfh #wfh culture #work from home #work #covidー19 #ncov #work life

[chizakira]

My all time favorite band, Galileo Galilei, made my entire college. 

Whenever I listen to their song now, all I could think is the past and how I want to go back so much. Memories stick to songs. That’s why some people hate hearing certain songs because it reminds them of something. To put it simply, music is a storage of emotions. Today, they are still making music under a different name, Bird Bear Hare and Fish (BBHF), with an additional member to the team. I’ve listened to them and their music today is good too. It’s just on the era of Galileo Galilei, my life was also filled with good memories.

#fanart #galileo galilei #sea and the darkness #ChizakiDraws #art #illustrators on tumblr #MediBang #digital illustration #digital art #music #ChizakiRemembers

[chizakira]

Back when I was in college, I listen to lots of songs. They are mostly Japanese so I can’t understand it. Because if I listen to songs that I understand, I tend to get distracted and listen to the lyrics. I was really into utaite meari (YT, NND) those days. Her voice is good, her covers were good. And so I stumbled upon this gold song, Watashi no R, on which she covered. It was taken down by youtube now so I linked a nico video link. Her old covers are there too ^^ I put it on loop even though I can’t understand that time which is fine because I’ve been doing my thesis. I’ve been elated how good the tune is. It’s too good and addicting, I can sing along with it easily if I want to. And so I got really curious. I want to check on the lyrics because I want to sing it. But along with the lyrics, I also found the translation. It was a short story, well-written. Japanese songs mostly have a very depressing lyrics and a very upbeat tune. I’ve been listening to those things before so it’s not a surprise but for this song, it made me cry. Maybe because I find it relatable. Maybe a lot will find it relatable. I don’t want to tell what’s the story about since It’s part of unfolding the story written by the author and I don’t want to spoil it.

#ChizakiDraws #Watashi no R #My R #vocaloid #utaite #digital illustration #adobe photoshop #digital painting #ChizakiRemembers

[chizakira]

I’ve been drawing myself since I was a kid. Appropriating the clothes on to what I prefer those times. And the college me really likes some polo shirts. I have this black polo shirt with a white and gray accent on top part and I really love it. When I graduated and started working, I wear more long sleeves and some jacket. It’s like an era to me when my clothing preference change to adapt my current state. Anyway, I drew this because I miss my past so much and I think I let them down. I hope they can forgive me.

#prangwatercolor #watercolour art #watercolor #ChizakiDraws

[chizakira]

7-Minute Replay

If there would be really a replay of my life when I die, I'll be in a bus watching the happenings throughout my journey.

That’s what I’m planning to do. I’ve been afraid of dying since I’m young because I don’t know what will happen. 

Casually scrolling on social media feed, I stumbled upon the idea that when you die, you’re gonna see a replay of your whole life in 7 minutes. And I thought, that’s so stupid but at the same time, scary. As a person who hates myself so much and regrets a lot, it would be painful to mandatory watch my history. Great, now I’m more afraid to die. So I thought I need to plan this out. Imagined this scenario to hopefully cope up with my fear. I began thinking of my past self and question myself; 🔘 Do I resent them? Turns out, no. I love them. I love how I am in the past. I love myself that if given permission to date myself on college era, I would 🤣 🔘 Am I ashamed of them? No. I maybe made some mistakes in the past but that doesn’t define me. I became better. I evolved into a better human. 🔘 Why I don’t like the idea? Because I love my past so much. It’s a shame for me to recall such things, those beautiful moments, every details I can remember, only to end up what I am today. I feel like a total loser, and I failed as a future of my past self which they look up to. Years passed, I still think of it. But I’m no longer afraid of death. I still get sad thinking of my past. but if ever there would be really a replay, I’ll be happy to see them again, on their own times, the good times.

#death #ChizakiWrites #stupid idea