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clpudsnstars · 17 days

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i look at you and wonder how someone so beautiful can exist.

i look at you and wonder why you try so hard to hide.

#words #poetry #poetsandwriters #words words words #spilled poetry #spilled words #another vent #spilled ink #rants n rambles #short poem

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clpudsnstars · 17 days

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i think i love you, which is odd, because i promised myself i couldn't love anything that breathes - on account of a sense for the dramatic and also one time i got thrown against the ground so hard that the splatter was chalk dust. i said i'd never let that happen standing up. it happened like a sunrise anyway, between the fingers over my eyes. you flew as a bird and made a nest in my heart. i want it to pass over me like a locust. my hands keep shaking. anything close can cut through bone. like looking down a deep hole, i hear the stones skitter over and plunge. i wanna be an adult about this and instead i feel like crying. this will only make things worse. i wasn't supposed to do this again. what a fool, this girl.

it's like she wants to get hurt.

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clpudsnstars · 20 days

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it’s unfortunate how you linger in my head.

you already contaminated my body, why can’t you leave me my mind.

#words #poetry #poetsandwriters #words words words #spilled poetry #spilled words #another vent #spilled ink #rants n rambles #short poem

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clpudsnstars · 27 days

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I’m so scared that I’d let you back in

Because I have so many times before

I tell myself that it’s different now

That I’m stronger

And braver

And that I won’t let you back in

But I’ve been here before

And every time I’ve crumbled in your presence

Kryptonite, is that what it’s called?

It’s a cliche but that’s what you are to me

My kryptonite

My Achilles heel

Not in the cute way

But in the terrifyingly cruel way

Id let you set me on fire if it meant I could feel your touch

Id let you set me on fire but only because it was you

I’ve done it before

And I’m terrified that I would do it again

Sometimes my chest feels hollow

I think it’s because my heart lingers with you

I’ve tried and tried

I’ve found people to occupy my mind

But infatuation does not win over love

And I was so incredibly in love

And it made me so incredibly stupid

I let you push past my walls

I let you force your way past my boundaries

I put your wants before my needs

I bled because you were thirsty

Lost myself because you were hungry

I’m just a fucking idiot

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clpudsnstars · 27 days

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When I was around 10, I found my mothers notebook.

A 10 year old should not read the words of a 40 year old.

#trauma #words #diary #I wish I hadn’t been a nosey kid #poetsandwriters #poetry #spilled poetry #writers and poets #spilled ink #spilled thoughts #spilled words #spilled writing

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clpudsnstars · 1 month

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you boast of having given me pleasure and i remember why i don’t like men.

suddenly i can feel his hands roaming my body, his scent engulfing me, his voice pleading for just a little while longer.

i feel sick.

you’re too much like him, it makes me want to burn off my skin

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clpudsnstars · 1 month

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one day i won’t remember the shape of your eyes or the way your love poured out of them.

i won’t remember the way your hands grabbed me even when i pushed them away and how the love would turn to disgust when i firmly said no.

i wish i hadn’t given in. i wish i would’ve ended us sooner.

#coerced consent #sa #relationship #ex #toxic love #cloudys word barf #words #poetry #poetsandwriters #words words words #spilled poetry #spilled words #another vent #spilled ink #rants n rambles #short poem

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clpudsnstars · 1 month

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When I was 12 my family and I sat in the living room eating dinner

A piece of food got stuck in my throat. I was choking.

My dad was there, my mum was there, my siblings were there.

I couldn’t make a sound. I hit the table. Waved at them. Pointed to my throat and gestured for water. Tears were flooding my eyes as I tried desperately to cough it up.

They didn’t see me or hear me. They didn’t even notice.

I hit my chest until it came unstuck.

And I cried myself to sleep that night.

They still don’t understand when I tell them I feel invisible. They still don’t hear me begging for help.

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clpudsnstars · 1 month

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I don’t know how to exist in places that are held for me.

I’m so used to having to fold myself up and tuck myself into the smallest space; that when someone unfolds me, the creases are deep and torn and pulling me back in

They show me to a room. It looks big and warm, and it has my name on the door? I approach the door. It’s tall. And wide. I don’t have to fold myself to get through. Am I really allowed this? I enter and look around, allow myself the idea that maybe I could sleep in the pretty bed sitting in the corner. The thought lasts a second before panic sweeps in. What if there’s been a mistake?

I’m used to rough hands and shitty erasers. Pulling me every which way. Folding and unfolding me to meet their desired shape; the one that serves them best.

I don’t know what to do when someone tells me to rest. To be myself and leave it at that

- Maybe it’s too late now. A tattered old paper can’t revert back. These tears will always be here. I’ll always be ready to fold back down to fit.

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clpudsnstars · 2 months

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You might not want to hear this but people with anger issues and/or violent impulses need social accommodations. And no by accommodation I don't mean walking on eggshells around them, actual accommodations for people with these issues comes down to giving them a space away from what's triggering them to process their emotions and calm themselves down same as what kind of accommodations people who get sensory overload or just any kind of overwhelmed. There is no moral value to having anger issues or violent impulses, people with them are deserving of accommodation the same as everyone else.

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clpudsnstars · 2 months

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I’ve just turned 18 and the world hasn’t caught fire.

I spent the better part of these 18 years planning to end it. Hoping to get in fatal accidents or praying for lethal illnesses.

I’ve spent countless days and nights sitting on my bathroom floor begging it to end, because i couldn’t take the idea of existing. I couldn’t see why i should go on.

It’s been two years since I decided to give myself a chance. Two years since i started looking people in the eyes and listening to them talk.

I’ve heard the birds sing and the wind speak. I’ve heard my friends laugh, over and over and over again. I thought that if there was ever anything worth living for it might be this.

I saw the best in people and was let down a lot. I was betrayed by people I thought would stay with me forever. I sat in my anger and it told me its name was grief. I sat with my grief and it told me its name was love.

I figured that it’s better to have loved people and to have been let down, rather than to have never given them a chance at all. My love for them taught me more about myself than anything or anyone else could ever.

I started painting again. I started smoking again. I started letting the little girl in me laugh more, with her laugh that was always too big and too loud for those around her. I found people who love her. I saw a little more of the world and realised how small my perspective has been. I decided I need to see more. I fell in love again, with someone I’ve missed for a while. I cried a lot.

Giving life a chance hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. And I spend the better part of my days romanticising it so I can keep moving forward. But I’ve met so many people and I’ve felt so much love. I’m happy I didn’t end it.

I hope it’s only up from here

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clpudsnstars · 2 months

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TikTok & IG/ @kelleyspoetry

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clpudsnstars · 3 months

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why am i so scared of letting others see me try?

#words #like????#cloudys word barf

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clpudsnstars · 4 months

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I would just like to say since this is a thing right now.

The aromantic community has opened my eyes to so many different things. I'm alloromantic 100% but man, the aromantic community has done so much for me.

I will always be an ally to my aro siblings. They helped me realize that relationships are not black and white. Relationships are not just romantic and nonromantic.

I have learned that love exists in so many forms. Love takes shape in so many different ways and people. How I experience relationships from my romantic ones to my friendships to my family to my hobbies to communities to the world around me has been forever changed thanks to the aro community.

I've started blurring the lines (in healthy and responsible ways so yk not romantic with my family) between relationships. I've started to be more open and don't limit how I display affection to certain "love types". If I want to make out and go on dates with my best friends I do. If I'm not in the mood to cuddle and be all kissy with a partner I just play a game with them or something.

I'm telling my friends and family "I love you" more. I say that I love things like art and nature more. I call my partners my good/cherished/best/beloved/etc. friends.

I have platonic partners and I'm open to the idea of alterous partners too. The aromantic community has given me language for feelings that I as an alloromantic DO IN FACT experience while also experiencing a romantic attraction.

The aromantic community is beautiful and I will ALWAYS fight with them. They have redefined how I view my orientation and relationships as a whole.

Admittedly, there's still a lot I don't know about being aromantic but you can put your life on me being that stupid himbo ally to them.

AROMANTICS ARE QUEER! THEY ALWAYS WILL BE!

-Mica

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clpudsnstars · 4 months

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Why am I so terrified of being alone?

Is it the same reason I think it’s understandable that people would leave?

#poetsandwriters #words #cloudys word barf

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clpudsnstars · 4 months

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When I was little I had the same reoccurring dream where I was left in the middle of nowhere by my family. Like those cats that they stuff in bags and drop off on the side of the road

I’ve feared abandonment since. I’ve never been able to see a reason why anyone would want to keep me. I’ve never been certain that they’d have reason enough to.

So I’ve spent my whole life being the one that left first. You can’t be abandoned if you’re the first one out the door

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clpudsnstars · 4 months

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