selfdemolishingdoll

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Gosh, I saw someone who clearly has an eating disorder.

I feel like shit, now :(

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #ed recovery #vent #vent post #disordered eating #ana recovery #recovery

[selfdemolishingdoll]

ftm hair dye tips?

so, i impulsively bleached my hair and want to dye it in a way that i would still be able to pass (i actually don't pass at all :()

i think i'm ok with every color expect from green, red and black.

any recos?

some picture i found on Pinterest that i liked;

i found all pictures on pinterest, if you want me to take them down just dm me

#diary #personal #ftm #trans ftm #trans male #transmasculine #trans man #hair dye #dyed hair

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I changed my name today. Well, I actually sent a document saying I wanted to change my name. And I'm waiting for a result if my reasons are acceptable.

My reasons are quite obvious. Dad gave me a religious girl name. And I'm a man. But I had to say more than that cuz the names I chose were uncommon where I live.

Also, a pop-up showed up after I wrote down my chosen first name: "The name you choose are normally used by opposite sex. please check if the name is correct." That kinda made me happy. And when I wrote down my chosen middle name another pop-up popped up: "The name is usually used as a first name. Please check if the middle name is desirable."

I actually checked how common my chosen names are where I live. Apparently, only 20 people have my middle name (as their first name). And around 300 hundred people have my first name. I like that. I don't want to have a name that half of the population have too.

I can't wait till I get my new ID with correct gender and names.

yyyyy

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #trans #trans male #transgender #transmasc #trans man #transmasculine #name change

[selfdemolishingdoll]

It's easier to breathe in a binder than in a girl's clothes...

I must buy new clothes. So, I can skip crying each morning cuz I have nothing to wear...

#might delete later #personal #vent #vent post #ftm #trans man #trans #transgender #lgbt

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I'm unsure about my style. tbh I want to dress menhera/ yami kawaii. But because of the color palette, it is often called as a feminine style. Yami Kawaii is gender neutral. But wearing pink as a trans man is not, sadly.

I like to wear shirts and chinos. But I don't want to dress like I'm going to an interview all the time.

So, I thought that I might try soft boy style. It's masculine yet cute. But I don't like neutral colors…

I'm stuck. :(

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #trans man #yami kawaii #menhera #soft boy #ed recovery

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I had to go I had to go to IT cuz I couldn't log into my school account. And now the IT-man knows everything about me. Gosh, that's so embarrassing. He even learned which WW packs I downloaded. :(to IT cuz I couldn't log into my school account. And now the IT-man knows everything about me. Gosh, that's so embarrassing. He even learned which WW packs I downloaded. :(

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #embarrassing #embarrasment #sims 4 #wicked whims

[selfdemolishingdoll]

So, I talked to my therapist today. And she has asked me some questions for further treatment for gender dysmorphia.

I actually wrote a bit about why I'm a man (It sounds stupid, I know) but she didn't ask for my notes and took her own notes. We talked mostly about what it's been like for me lately, and through puberty.

I said that I want to start on testosterone mostly for body fat redistribution. That's what triggers me the most. I've also said that I'm afraid of relapse because I had the "man" body that I wanted when I was underweight. She took some notes and will send it on to the hospital. I don't know if she has sent it today.

I don't know how long it will take before I get an answer. I heard it's about two months. I mean, it shouldn't take that long to tell me if I'm accepted or not. I can wait a little longer as long as I know I'm in and can get treatment soon.

But being referred is enough to cheer me up :)

The hospital doesn't treat nonbinary people. I identified myself as nonbinary before. I'm scared that they might think I'm still a nonbinary.

#ed recovery #trans male #trans man #transmasculine #transgender #transmasc #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #lgbt pride #lgbtq #diary #my diary #dear diary

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I'm super stressed. I'll tell my doctor or therapist that I'm ready to start on HRT. And I'm worried that they might think I need more time for stabilization after ED-retreatment. I don't want to wait. I've been waiting for years now. And solving my gender dysmorphia would most likely solve my ED too:

Thinking that I feel most dysmorphic about the body parts that women tend to store fat in. And got "happy" when those body parts got skinnier over time.

My biggest hope from T is change of where fat is stored in body. I'll start to look more masculine and stop caring too much about how I look. Since, there is no longer stuff that I should worry about.

When I think about the future, I only see myself as a man. Just a casual man doing nothing. I can see that I'm happy. Finally in the well-deserved man's body that I've been longing for. Now, I can start to worry what I wanna be in the future. I reached my biggest hope. I can start my life from zero as a new person.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #ed recovery #transmasculine #transgender #transmasc #trans male #dear diary #trans man #trans #lgbt #lgbtqia #lgbtq community #lgbtq

[selfdemolishingdoll]

First Binder

I got my first binder today. (GC2B) I bought it second hand from an online thrifting store. It's like a try-out binder. I don't like tight tops. So, I wanted to check if I feel comfortable in a binder. Without paying the full price for it. I'm not that happy with the compression. But it might be that I'm in between size S and M. I'll decide if want to but new binders after few hours. But I don't think that I'll buy from GC2B. Since the rumors says that the quality got cheaper.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #trans male #trans man #trans #transmasc #transgender #binder #chest binding #gc2b #first binder #transmasculine #lgbtq community #lgbt pride #lgbt

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I got weighed at the therapist. I felt like it was too much. But I had a thick pair of jeans on me and keys and ear buds in my pocket. I checked how much they usually weigh. And just learned that clothes can be quite heavy. The doctor in the psych ward said that they count clothes as around +2. Which means that if you weigh yourself with clothes on and the scale shows XX, you have to extract 2. I didn't want to tell the therapist that I'm unhappy with the number 'cuz I weighed right after I said, "I no longer care about my weigh, but I care about being trans.". I thought that it would be ironic to tell her that I can "not" weigh that much. I think I should talk about it with her if something similer happens the next time I have an appointment. I know that weighing more is better as long as you're in the healthy BMI range. I'll have more energy to live my life. And I'll no longer just survive but I'll be able to live my to the fullest. And I'm no longer shivering in the middle of spring. :)

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #vent #ed recovery #vent post #disordered eating #ana recovery #recovery #ana blog #trans male #transmasc #transgender

[selfdemolishingdoll]

DIY Gloomy Bear jeans + someone who sucks at taking pictures :)

I'll take a better picture if I remember...

#DIY #gloomy bear #gloomy #jeans #do it yourself

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Why can't I speak properly? My story line is too deviated. Sometimes I don't even understand what I am saying.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #questions

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Can I use hair removel laser if I'm on T?

I dared myself to look at before and after pictures of bottom growth. And it was not as scary as I thought. Now, my only worry about starting on T is body hair. Dad is hairy yet bald (Mom said that dad startet to lose his hair quite early). I wonder if I'll end up like him if I start on T. Long story short, can I remove the body hair with laser while I'm on T? Would it be effective?

I should've asked it on r/ftm. But I don't feel like it. I think, my gender dysmorphia grew up during the recovery. And the only thing I can think of in the last couple of days is the fact that I don't have dick. I asked r/ftm or another trans sub about bottom growth. And it sounded like I really did NOT want it at all. I don't want people to think that I change my mind out of the blue.

#trans #transgender #ftm #trans man #trans male #transmasc #please help #questions #ask tumblr

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Gosh, why am I so stupid? I needed something to hang the shower curtains. So, I went out and bought shower curtain rings for 79,9 nok. (expensive). And I went back to home and hang them. That's when I realized that what I had before was not broken, but brand new. I was supposed to tear them apart and replace them. Oh my god, I feel stupid.

I can return them. But I just returned something else I bought wrong just yesterday. And I might need it if I move again. Or I could sell them a little bit cheaper.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #online diary #tumblr diary #tumblog

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Moving out is so fucking stressing and expensive. And I feel awful to own "too much" stuff. I had like six boxes, I guess. I'm not sure if it's normal. Also, my mom packed some totally random stuff that I don't even remember using, that she thought I might need. Thx mom, but I do not need a dead round hairbrush. And the worst parts is that the community actually helps you economically while moving out. But they said that I don't need it 'cuz I had enough money. The money was barely enough to pay the rent. -_- And they were the one that give me that money to buy food and other expenses. Not to buy furniture. That's just stupid. And the weather is more unstable than my mood. It was perfect just yesterday and now its pouring.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #vent #vent post #online diary #tumblr diary #tumblog

[selfdemolishingdoll]

Something really good happened and I'm proud of myself.

So, as I may or may not mentioned before I'm moving out. And I had all the home appliances except from an oven and a TV. And right now, I texted someone on an online secondhand store that lived nearby if they would help me with moving the oven that they're selling. And they ended up living at the second floor. Which means that I don't need a car at all to carry the oven. Btw they also said that they have a TV that I can buy. Which is great. I no longer have to worry about furniture etc.

But I have some stuff left at parent's house and I don't wanna go there alone.

I also have hella amount of document that I need to find before the 20. of the month. And one that not that important in my opinion that I have to post before next Friday. (I can't write it on my own, and everyone I asked for tells me to ask someone else. Even though they're qualified.)

Whatever (me) don't digress.

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #tumblr diary #online diary #tumblog

[selfdemolishingdoll]

I saw a girl buying Barebells bars and those crispy corn bread stuff (Friggs maiskaker, I forgot what it's called in English). I was thinking "That was my shopping list six months ago. Welcome 4n4rexic."

Yeah, that's it.

I'm so fucking stressed about some adult shit and some documents I need to find. :((

#diary #might delete later #personal #my diary #dear diary #vent #vent post #ed recovery #disordered eating #ana recovery #tumblog #online diary #tumblr diary #a4a diary #digital diary