sorrycory
Sorry Cory
He/Xe || INFP || Aquarius || I’m a total trash mammal
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I just woke up so the dream’s fading fast, but A was putting on the Addams Family with a bunch of people I don’t know. Keep in mind: I know nothing about the musical. Which is probably why it evolved into jesters doing little dances on stage. I got a really strong urge that I needed to get up on stage, so I obliged my thoughts, hiding in the back wings without a peep coming out. Some details are blurry- I walked over to two girls who were actually in the show and watching, and one of the girls got mad because the show turned into a total disaster.
Next thing I know, A dragged me onto stage, and I’m in a Jester costume lip syncing to Don’t Stop Me Now.
I sensed that I’d been asleep for too long after that, so I woke up. I kinda wished I stayed asleep to finish that musical number-
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I don’t think I’m myself anymore.
Not right now, at least.
Ever since that incident happened, I noticed myself changing. I stopped holding doors open for people. I’m forgetting to say thank you, I’m forgetting how to be observant of the people around me-
Ever since we were stuck together, I can’t stop acting like this now. I’ve stopped talking to him recently, for different reasons.
Maybe I’ll go back to normal. Please, let me go back to normal- I’d rather hate myself and be good than become bad and not feel any remorse. It feels like it should be the other way around, but at least I’m feeling things. At least I care about things enough to be an ok person. I like myself back then more than now- what happened to me? I used to be so nice. I used to be kind. I want to be kind again. I hate change.
I really do hope it’s temporary.
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I was at a lunch table with a couple of people, waiting for everyone else to sit at our table.
Johnnie Gilbert was there. He was making snarky comments while I helped him come up with a bio for what I think was a burner account. Suddenly, this admin guy who looks kinda CGI walked up to the table, trying to kick us out because we were sitting in someone else’s seat. We said finders keepers, and he started writing everyone up. He made the mistake of using my deadname, and I lost it at him, yelling at him because my name has legally been changed, so unless he purposely went looking for that file, my actual name should’ve followed up. He started walking me down this office while we both yelled at eachother. It was weird. His face started sporadically shifting uncontrollably while talking.
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I’m feeling a little sick right now. Not really sure what I caught, but my throat’s all clogged up. Hope it’s not gone by tomorrow- I don’t know why, but I really hate Tuesdays. Needless transition from the most popular voted “worst day of the week” to the halfway point in a work week. At least with a Wednesday or Thursday you can see the finish line. Tuesdays feel kind of hopeless-
My birthday’s in a little less than two weeks. I can’t decide if I’m excited or scared- my birthday hasn’t exactly been the best for a streak of years at this point. Ever since I turned 13- I got led on by a crush at 13, got overstimulated and had a meltdown when blowing out my candles at 14, missed my own birthday party at 15, and 16? 16 was my best birthday ever, though it still ended with someone rooting through my freezer without my permission. Doubled down on the overstimulation- I guess I could try to guess what’s gonna happen this time around. Someone breaks my things? Or someone pukes on me? Maybe no one shows up? Or my parents do something that ruins the whole day- I’ll never know. My head’s real foggy right now. I’m just kind of numb, but I wanna cry.
Allergies, or something. Probably not a valid excuse since it’s the middle of winter- maybe I ate something funky.
I wish I was dreaming again. I feel important when I dream. I feel like I’m learning something I won’t learn anywhere else. I should probably be in a mental hospital for thinking that. But there’s so many religious theming- I’ve considered trying to get into the Bible just to try and figure out more. I want to know more. I’m hungry for knowledge. I want to know why my brain makes these things.
Why do I feel like I’m being told I’m some kind of messiah or something?
Fucking egotistical weirdo.
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I had another dream last night, though I don’t really remember the contents. That’s my fault, I’m sorry. All I can remember is pink-
The night before that though- I did have another dream. I was in an Applebees I think. I say that, because I’ve only ever been in an Applebees twice in my life, and my brain tried to fill in what it couldn’t remember about an Applebees architecture. I was with my “family”- I put quotations around that because I could only really recognize my dad, and even he seemed a little off. He’s not usually that happy. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a good guy, but it’s not like he ever acts as carefree as he did there. He wasn’t nearly as tired.
I don’t really know what was happening up to that point, but I saw my old friend E. E’s pretty cool- the thing is that I had a huge crush on E last year, and I was not subtle about it at all. E told me they weren’t looking for a relationship, and yet I still kept flirting with them. I didn’t get that they rejected my confession until Halloween, when they said it again, and it finally got through my noggin. I’m not really a good person. I wanna be better, but I have moments like that, and I second guess everything about myself. E tried to keep a relationship with me, and I was trying too, but I couldn’t think of how to talk to them. I was never really sure what to say, or how to say it- my other friends are still close with E, and E says that they wanna keep being friends- that they don’t care about the whole ordeal, but I don’t even know how to start. I don’t really know E anymore. It’s not like I still have feelings, or that I have any emotions towards the fact they rejected me, I just don’t really know how to hold a conversation with them. I’m not good at this. I’m not good at being a person.
But E told me that they wanted to hang out outside, back at their place, and just walked outside the Applebees. I followed them, like a stupid sad puppy, but before I could even grab the door handle, there were these two kids sitting by the door talking in this bored annoyed voice.
“You know you shouldn’t follow them. There’s a lady waiting outside on the sidewalk for someone- you don’t think that’s sketchy?”
I second guessed myself, and went back to sit down with everyone. It kind of looked like we were on bleachers now, looking down at a soccer game. I played soccer for 2 weeks, tops. Didn’t understand how the rules worked- I was 8. I’ve never really been a smart kid. Do good in school, but I don’t really pick up on things easily.
I picked up the screen to order, and suddenly I just knew I had these really cool hacking powers. “Cory, what did you do with these super sick ass hacking powers?”
I changed the menu of the Applebee’s to be the menu for Outback Steakhouse, and watched as the waiters lost their minds because no one was ordering off the menu. Extra little tidbit of information: I’ve never been to an Outback Steakhouse before. I whispered over to my dad, and we just started laughing our asses off together.
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I lied. Not that it matters. The only person I’m lying to is myself, kinda.
It’s my public diary. I can write what I want. No one who I see day to day will see this. Hell, the only person who’s seen this is A, and he doesn’t even have Tumblr.
The pomegranate poetry trend has kinda been dying down- pomegranates are my favorite fruit, so I was really happy to see I could share my love of them with people. Favorite part was the initial crunch before the juice rushed into your mouth- they felt like I was eating jewels. Which is honestly kind of a cool thought, if you think about it. Eventually the flavor starts to get weird on my tongue, though-
Did you know that Shirley Temples don’t actually have a cherry flavoring to them? I think that might be common knowledge, but I like sharing, so I’ll say my thoughts anyways. No one’s reading this, anyways- it doesn’t matter.
Grenadine, the only flavoring in a Shirley Temple besides Sprite, is usually only made out of pomegranate juice, sugar, and lemon juice. My mom used to work at this little club area near our house- the guy who worked down near the bar was kinda cute, though that’s more so just a thought than a crush. Used to get a bunch of Shirley Temples down there- my mom once had me fork over some money to tip him for putting up with me, so I gave her like- $10. I’m aware I’m a handful. I don’t think anyone should have to be put through that- I ramble too much. I overshare. I need to keep my lips sealed for once in my life.
I kind of got side tracked from the thought I was trying to share. Pomegranate poetry never really struck a cord with me, unfortunately- it felt a little forced. A lot of the poetry I find on things like tiktok feels forced. Pinterest, on the other hand-
“The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself” - Albert Camus.
It’s so simple. I feel like we’re always looking for that answer, and it’s just there. The problem is- I don’t really know what my answer to that statement is. It’s not like I want to, but what reason do I really have? My hobbies have been starting to bore me. Creation is taxing on me mentally. I guess I could learn more and help people, but I’m not really living for myself. I feel like I’ve done everything. I’ve been meaning to start a bucket list at some point. I want to go to 7/11 for the first time. Preferably at night, maybe by myself. Which sucks, because I don’t have a driver’s license.
I don’t even know what I’d do there. I don’t know what’s so magical about a 7/11 to me. It would be nice to just sit outside with the fluorescent lights shining down, just drinking a slushee while watching some train go by in the distance. Maybe I’ll befriend some fireflies. If there’s any left at that point. What flavors are the slushees at 7/11? Blue raspberry and cherry? I don’t even really like those flavors. I think there’s a coke slushee, maybe.
It’d be cool to just live in a van and travel. I guess I’d have to find some kind of work. That’s the big pin hole in all my plans, I think- along with the fact I’m too much of a nervous wreck to drive. My friends got me to try out a driving sim, and I just wrecked into everything. I don’t really think I’m cut out to be an adult.
I don’t really remember much of my childhood besides the bad parts.
Maybe I’ll save that for another time.
#weird shit#journal#dear diary#digital diary#diary entry#tumblr diary#pomegranate#alone#alone with my thoughts#spiral#isolation#empty feeling
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We were on a beach. It might’ve been the little one near my house, but it looked a lot cleaner than it ever had been before. It’s funny who shows up in my dreams and who doesn’t, because the friends in this one aren’t even people I’ve met in real life yet. They’re internet friends I don’t even think entirely like me because I’m off my rocker.
I over share a lot. It’s why I started this account, actually- guess you could say it’s a coping mechanism.
B was over near the beach, lying on a towel. She might’ve been suntanning. That seems like something she would do. B is the type of person who likes wearing perfumes, and having a specific signature scent. I’d be into that thing, if I ever got over my discomfort of spending money on fun short term items. I don’t really go outside all that much, anyways. I probably have a scent of funk- I’ve been told I smell like incense before. Not really sure what that smells like.
G was hanging out with W, which I guess makes sense since they’re dating. Well- not really dating, but you know- they’re kind of nervous to go public currently, which is fair.
W asked if I would make a YouTube video, which is honestly kinda funny, because neither of us have YouTube channels. O tagged a long, and at some point I saw G with us again. I think we were tubing? But there wasn’t any kind of boat dragging us, the tube was just moving all on its own. It was fairly big- fit all four of us, though O was hanging off the back. W was laying off on his side with a big smile on his face, but I noticed that all the sudden we took a really sharp turn, and I got thrown off into darker sectors of the water. Shore was too far- I couldn’t make it if I tried. I can’t exactly properly swim- I look like a dog with a missing back leg half the time.
I just watched them uncontrollably drift away. I might’ve drowned, I don’t really remember. I remember there was a wooden cabin at some point, but I think I only saw it at the beginning of the dream. I just remember it felt like I was laying on the floor, and W was smiling and laughing in the corner of my eye that I just couldn’t quite see.
I woke up at 6:55 sharp. Usually I wake up at 10:00, or somewhere around that time when I’m up late. I have sleeping issues, so I’m always kind of up late because of them.
No one’s seeing this. I’m sure it’s safe to be at least somewhat vulnerable, right? I’m already documenting my dreams. You can’t really get any more vulnerable.
My name isn’t actually Cory. Not legally, anyways- I go by a couple names online, but Cory will do just fine here. I’m turning 17 in a month, and I’m not really sure if I should be excited or not. My past 3 or 4 birthdays have always gone wrong in some way. I jokingly call it “The birthday curse”. Note to self: stop consuming so much caffeine before/during the party. I wear a lot of green- and I mean a lot, but my favorite color’s pink. I can’t really explain why, but green just feels right on me. It’s something that makes me feel like myself.
That’s probably enough over sharing on the internet for one post. I’ll probably talk more on my next post- the next time I have a dream.
#weird dreams#lucid dreaming#dreams#dreamcore#dream#weird shit#dream journal#beach#tubing#alone with my thoughts#alone#oversharing#comfort
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It was on the roads a little further down from my house, on the other side of the fork in the road. Back where they keep the zebras, I think. M was driving the car, if you could even call it that. It was more like a piece of plywood with a windshield and wheels- we had seat belts, and he was turning a steering wheel, but I didn’t see any brakes or a gas pedal. Still, he seemed to be driving it rather fine.
We were being chased all the way. People in white dresses running to as much as reach us, and M kept making these crazy turns- I almost fell out, but I managed to catch myself on the edge. My mom was calling me, asking where I was, and I told her we were going to go watch a movie.
I don’t know why I did that.
Next thing I know, I’m climbing up a big purple tower made of purple crystal. All the surfaces were smooth, so I don’t really know how I made it to the top- I just remember peaking my head over the edge, and climbing the rest of the way up.
It’s best not to ask why Eminem was in my dream.
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It was another shore line. Cloudy day outside of a lighthouse. The beach wasn’t exactly easy access- to get up and out of the beach, you had to climb a series of rocks.
Me and M were on the shore. I don’t remember what we were talking about, but thinking about it makes me want to cry for some reason. M is like a brother to me. He says he sees me similarly, but he tends to keep a lot on the inside. I don’t really know how much that means to him. I don’t think he understands how important brotherhood is as a concept to me. And yet here, he seems to understand it.
We were sword fighting with waterlogged branches. I tucked my arm behind my back, mimicking my cousin who used to fence for fun. I never watched her, but I picked up some moves. I have a brother. A biological one. He used to hurt me a lot mentally, so we don’t talk often. This is the closest thing I’ve felt to family in a long while. I feel like I’m living my childhood.
A cardboard package floats to shore on the beach. Rain starts to drizzle, and eventually pour as me and M scuttle to grab this package. We push and pull at eachother as we tried to take the package back up to the lighthouse, which I do successfully. M was locked outside of the lighthouse. The storm got more violent. I didn’t see him. Anywhere.
Inside the lighthouse, I saw K. We undid the package for whatever was inside, and I found a big paper mask for Pyramid head from silent hill. The entirety of the front of the mask drooped downward, obscuring my face before K started taking pictures of me.
I woke up after talking to her for a while.
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I was texting my mom. Really heated argument, it was making me really anxious. M offered to take the phone and say something on my behalf, but he ended up sending something really mean. I complained about it a lot. Next thing I know, I turn around to see my friend S, and she gives me a really big sniff. Woke up to one thought:
“The storm is coming. It’s not safe for you to stay here.”
I woke up. Was confused, so I immediately went back to bed. It was an airport. Empty airport. Foggy airport. I turned the corner, and suddenly I see my friend A. He’s never been in my dreams before. He looked so nervous, bouncing his leg with a suitcase sitting next to him. A storm was raging above through a glass ceiling.
“Noah’s Arc is coming. It’s not safe for you to stay. You need to leave before the waters drown you.”
I woke up again.
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This one, I think, was supposed to encapsulate the Fourth of July. Everyone in my hometown was gathering to watch fireworks. My grandmother who lives right down the street has this great view right above the water, so we figured we might as well go down there as usual. What I did not expect, was to see one of my old childhood friends from elementary school there. Admittedly, I’m about 90% sure he had a crush on me, based on circumstances that went down during that time of my life. For some reason, he brought a parachute. One of those rectangular, rainbow ones.
Since we were by the water, it was pretty windy, so we hung on to the edges and went flying in the air. I could feel myself almost fall off twice- it was pretty crazy to think about. I woke up soon after that.
I don’t really think any point in my life has been all that good. I used to glorify my elementary school years, but looking back at it, I think they might’ve been worse than my middle school years.
Going off memory, the bullying wasn’t that bad, but the crushes were. There were these two guys that had crushes on me, though only one of them gained the courage to do anything about it. He left me a gift package with a coloring book and a confession letter, and honestly? It was the sweetest thing I ever received.
However, I had a crush on my best friend. The problem is- we both identified as girls at the time, and they had no interest in me whatsoever. To the point that when the end-of-the-year carnival came around, they chose to hang out with one of the older kids, and told me to bug off. I ended up crying in the bathroom for a long while.
As for the boy- he was a good friend of mine too, and I didn’t know what to say. I talked to my family about it, and they all said I should say yes. I never responded. I was too scared of breaking his heart, and I was too young to think of the consequences of my actions. Regardless, that doesn’t really excuse me. He didn’t find out I didn’t accept until we made it to middle school. His best friend had to deliver the news. I’ve felt really awful about it ever since, but I haven’t seen him. I hope he knows I’m sorry. Maybe he’s living a good life?
#weird dreams#lucid dreaming#dreams#dreamcore#dream#weird shit#dream journal#unrequited crush#crush#this is embarassing#regret
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how do I lucid dream tonight as a beginner
In all honesty, none of my dreams are on purpose. Especially not with something like the Archives- if your intentions are to lucid dream, I suggest doing your own research into lucid dreaming. There’s a bunch of useful resources out there, I’m just not one of them.
While my dreams are extremely vivid, you’ll notice that I never really have control of them. At least, I don’t exactly realize they’re dreams until I’m out of them. It’s an extremely bizarre experience, and while I might’ve not given you the answers you were looking for, I hope they still help you somehow-
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There was a figure 8 pool. Seemed to be made out of granite, I’m not very sure, but it felt more like a ride in an amusement park. It just propelled you forwards, sending you looping around the entirety of the figure 8.
By the time I got out though, everyone there at the party was dead. Bodies on the ground. I didn’t realize the host was Sans from Undertale, so that sure made me feel sane. I think my brain just made up a character, because some replacement Chara was going on another long shpeel, blah blah blah- dream people really like talking, don’t they? But I had to solve some puzzles around the house, and eventually woke up feeling like a lunatic. Sans just stood there the whole time in the same position- I think he was pissed off that Papyrus died again. Poor dude.
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I kind of lied. Not really, because I never promised anyone anything, but I lied to myself. I was supposed to be posting things in order, but I skipped out on one dream because I lied to one of my friends about it. I kinda felt guilty about it, so most of the time I don’t really bring it up when talking about my dreams. Not that anyone here is reading this, but it feels good to keep a journal of sorts. Maybe someone will think this is all worthy of reading at some point. I know it’s a lot, but if you’ve made it this far: I wanna tell you that I’m proud of you. Thank you for reading this far- it’s a mess, I know. I hope by giving you visuals it’s easier to understand things, but I know it’s all a conglomerated mess of nonsense. You make me feel understood.
The dream didn’t really contain anything, really, but it was my first dream after the Archives. All I knew was that we were walking home from some party- I guess it wasn’t that far, since we were walking on foot, but I was a lot further ahead than my parents. Maybe a gap of 100 ft? I don’t think I was wearing shoes. The grass was so long, it was pretty watching it sway as I passed by. I think there was a forest to my left, though I can’t remember correctly. More importantly- I saw a playground a little further down the path to the left. It was all primary colors, with seesaws and playtowers and everything- I just remember being so excited. It’s not every day you get to play on a play ground, you know? The dream ended by the time I went in the play castle, but I think I saw something. I’m not sure what it was, but it was something my brain didn’t want me remembering.
The part where I lied, was when I told my friends that it was the filing cabinet room behind the red door. I thought it might give them some satisfaction, to know that I might be able to revisit the Archives at a later time.
I don’t think it’ll happen, though. I was buried, and that was that. Even if it wasn’t my decision, the decision was made. All I can do is tell the story, and hope someone can help me piece everything together.
I thank K for that.
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Unfortunately, while I did write this dream down, I decided to delete it about a month later, because I told myself I didn’t have a use for it. I do still have the memory, just unfortunately not the date.
It was another Lovejoy concert, but it looked like the venue was a barn, and the only other people there were other Twitch streamers and YouTubers- the seats were recliners? And the concert turned into some kind of panel at a convention. I don’t remember anything that happened on stage, just sitting in the recliner, and seeing people walking down a wooden pathway that led up to the stage.
The dream skipped over to what looked more like a baseball stadium, but my brain kept telling me it was the same location. Skeppy and Wilbur were at the top of the bleachers, just talking to eachother- I ended up joining in, and Wilbur had to step away to make a phone call. For some reason, me and Skeppy started cuddling, and the dream just ended there.
I think that really just speaks for my DSMP obsession and touch starvation more than anything else, but use that however you want.
#dreams#weird dreams#lucid dreaming#mcytblr#skeppy#wilbur mcyt#wilbur soot#lovejoy#dreamcore#baseball???
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In all honesty, my dreams have been fairly haywire since then. Recently, I’ve noticed my dreams have been starting to take a darker turn again? But I’ll address those as the days go on. For now, we’ll talk about one of the light hearted ones.
I had a dream that I got to go to another Lovejoy concert. A nice, pretty venue- now that I’m thinking about it, it almost looked like a church with the stain glass windows removed. All that was left was the cloudy blue sky ahead, along with rays of sunshine. Before everyone came in, it was fairly empty in the room- me and Wilbur decided to lay out on the floor and look at the ceiling while we waited- as usual, I don’t remember what we said to each other, but I remember I made him giggle. That made me happy.
After that, my mind timeskipped to the show. I got a front-row view, people cramming me up against the fence for a good view- I didn’t mind, though. Wilbur’s one of my favorite people out there- that’s probably why he’s been in 3 of my dreams total. The first was before the Archives, so I probably won’t talk about it unless it’s requested. Nothing too important, though I did write this down in my notes app, so I actually know when I had the dream. June 14, 2023.
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I was talking about these dreams to my friend. The first 5- I called them the Archives as a joke, honestly.
K read everything I wrote about it. However, something caught her attention while reading through it all. “Thank you for visiting 6th layers and a half”- it reminded her of Dante’s inferno. We were talking about how this is probably accurate, since the arrows had that connection with “As above, so below”.
With that, she pointed out that the campsite could represent some kind of purgatory-
Arrows signify a decision needed to be made in life, though the only thing I had going on around that time was a Minecraft SMP, so that’s not really anything remarkable. It would kind of be ridiculous to create a dream world just to move on from a Minecraft server-
K pointed out that Ranboo and Michael might be replacement faces for people I can trust- and if we’re going by that logic, Ranboo is supposed to resemble a guardian Angel. Or rather a guardian Angel in disguise- I don’t know, it’s a theory. I’m delusional.
The fun part about this: K asked me if I have religious trauma.
My dad is an atheist, and while my mom has been looking into Buddhism recently, as far as I’m aware? There has never been any form of Christianity in my household. Despite this, I remember believing in Heaven, Hell, God- there was a few times I prayed, though I never did it every night or anything. But if no one I knew was Christian, who taught me?
K stated that my memory in regards to my dreams is weirdly strong, and with that, K posed the idea that the archives represents my memories. If that’s the case- would that make the man with the top hat the devil, since he’s trying to get rid of the archives, aka my memories?
All of this kind of concluded with one last thing: if I finally get control of myself in these dreams, I have to go along with the dream. I’m not allowed to let them know that they are in a dream- while I doubt I’ll ever hear anything about the Archives again, I might put myself in more danger if I tell them what I know.
If anyone else comes up with anything, PLEASE tell me. Anything helps, seriously- I know I come off as insane, and we all know I probably already am- just please, entertain me on this.
#dreams#weird dreams#lucid dreaming#religon#religious#religous trauma#dreamcore#theory#theory crafting#memories#ranboo
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