#<- me when I'm delusional about my space gays

[betashift]

[Zippers work both ways. Could we use it to close the improbability field back inside the fold?] -Potentially. If we combined shield harmonics with the Heisenberg compensator. You would have to connect both to the deflector array and generate a beam.

STAR TREK: STRANGE NEW WORLDS — 2.09 "Subspace Rhapsody"

#the writers are so scared of gay people that I have to cling to paul wesley's acting choices (I see that smile sir. and the eyebrow wiggle) #snw #snw spoilers #jim kirk #spock #kirk x spock #snwedit #trekedit #startrekedit #tvedit #scifiedit #star trek strange new worlds #'carol is my on/off girlfriend who is pregnant with my child. except when I have the opportunity to randomly flirt with spock' #<- me when I'm delusional about my space gays

[willalove75]

stop simping over women and pay attention to your husband. You clearly made your choice to be with a man and have his child rather than choose a woman. You bisexual women don’t get to exist in lesbian spaces when you lean towards men. Unless your husband lets to you step out on your marriage or lets you have delusional thoughts that any lesbian would want a woman knocked up by a man. You bisexual women who lean more towards men or are with men have no right to be in sapphic or lesbian spaces. And lady d is a lesbian so as if she would be with someone who let a man touch them let alone knock them up.

Oh, I'm sorry, did my husband tell you that I'm not giving him enough attention? Didn't think so.

Yes, I made a choice to be with him, because I fell in love with him. Because he's my best friend and my biggest supporter in everything I do (yes, he even supports my writing and fics and he tells me often how proud he is of me). I did not chose him because he's a man. Truthfully, his gender had absolutely nothing to do with why I married him. I just happened to fall in love with and marry a man, but that does NOT make me any less of a bisexual woman.

"You bisexual women..." and people question whether or not bi-erasure is a thing, meanwhile, this entire ask is such a great example of just that😒

"delusional thoughts that any lesbian would want a woman knocked up by a man." is truly offensive to not only every bi woman who has been with a man, but any woman who has. What about the lesbians that got pregnant by men?? Because this may come as a shock to you, but it does happen. It may not happen a lot or often, but it does. Does that mean that those women are "tainted" or "ruined" also??? No it fucking doesn't, you idiot.

It really makes me laugh when people try and use a fictional character to make a real life argument. You want to know why? BECAUSE THEY'RE NOT FUCKING REAL!!! So honestly, you have absolutely no idea if that's true or not because she's a fake fucking character from a video game. Are you also this upset at the fic writers who make her trans??? Or what about fic writers that make Alcina's partner trans??? Or are you just that much of biphobic person and this is the hill you're choosing to die on?? Either way, you're an actual bigot.

This post just SCREAMS biphobia and bi-erasure and it's fucking gross. You are so very obviously projecting your own issues and insecurities in this and honestly I would be embarrassed if I were you. Because not a single thing you said is true AT ALL or holds any merit.

Bisexual women who lean towards men or who are with men ABSOLUTELY do belong in those spaces. Just because a bisexual woman is married/with a man or leans towards men does not discredit or change their sexuality. No bi person automatically becomes straight if they date/marry the opposite gender or become gay/lesbian if they date/marry the same gender. It's called BIsexual. More than one gender. You do not get to invalidate every bi person with this shitty (and inherently wrong) opinion.

I know you wrote this trying to get a rise out of me, and congratulations because you succeeded. But I also know that people like you leave messages like this because they feel so broken and hurt and shitty that they want others to feel like that too. Unfortunately for you, I grew up in the era that birthed anonymous hate messages so you'll have to try harder next time. Not only that, but I am proud and confident in who I am and no pathetic anonymous (especially anonymous, you pussy) message is going to shake me.

I am a proud bisexual woman. I am proud to be married to my husband. I am proud that I will soon be the mother of a little boy who I will raise to be a much better person than you'll ever be. I am proud of what I've written and no, I will not stop.

#willalove75 #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #bi erasure is real #tw #biphobia #bi erasure #fuck outta here with these shitty and wrong opinions #you picked the wrong bitch my guy

[wordy-little-witch]

I am also on the buggy-isnt-actually-human agenda 👀 also i cant believe i never thought if boabuggy mean girl squad bc ur so right (im gonna ignore the fact that canon buggy most likely isnt immune to her since he never once showed interest in alvida) which now brings me to: mean gurls boabuggyalvida 😌🧚‍♀️✨

YESSSSS THANK YOU ILY I LOVE TALKING ABOUT THIS

I actually have an ongoing fic with Buggy as non-human and him and Shanks being brothers and just- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa BRAINROT OKAY

My favorite concept is making Buggy a type of faery. My fic specifically has him as a Harlequinn, solely bc it FIT and I am feral for clown/jesters/etc. I can go into detail if you want, but I don't wanna clog this one

But like.

Buggy is the ONLY person in One Piece with a nose like his. He's hyperaware of that, and it's his biggest visible insecurity. He loves shiny things, treasures, gold, etc. His luck stats are either MAXED OUT or in the NEGATIVES. He is so good at manipulating people ((silver tongue)), and his specialty is smoke and mirrors, enthralling the masses, and he only gets involved when either A) he HAS to, or B) he has reason to protect/claim something. He's an observer most of the time, and he facilitates observation in others as well. And don't get me started by the lure and draw he gives to others to his space, his territory, full of Power, Fortune, Whimsy and Joy. Gods. He's so fascinating I wanna study him under a microscope, wanna put him in Situations ♡♡♡

MOVING ALONG~

Boa+Buggy+Alvida hours

The only thing I think might be rocky is Alvida and Hancock butting heads over beauty, but honestly? I think once they warm up to each other, Hancock would actually be really relieved to not be called the cutest or hottest in the room. I also think the three would be each other's biggest hype sources ((but also refreshingly, brutally honest)).

Personally? I think Buggy might actually be immune to Hancock. When he saw Alvida, he had a passing thought of "Oh, pretty, anyway-" so maybe in Canon he'd also become stone but imagine how funny it out be if she tried stoning him, it didn't work OR he split apart and it only worked a little. Now she is BAMBOOZLED.

Like.... "why didn't this work? What are you, clown? Explain yourself!!"

"..... I mean. You're cute, I guess???? But girl that lip tint is not your palette-"

"What-"

"Here, try this one, I stole it like this morning, it's unopened-"

"Oh that is nice-"

And with that a friendship was born!!

Or alternatively

"Why didn't you turn to stone?"

"Hancock.... I'm gay."

"..."

"And also a bottom."

"......"

"You don'treally seem like a top, but... i mean, you're still pretty though????"

".................."

"OhSeasShe'sGonnaKillMe-"

"Did we just become friends?"

"*surprised clown noises*"

ANYWAY

Yes BoaBuggyVida mean girls bestie squad. Only thing to make it better is including Perona and/or Uta bc I feel like that would be. So much fun.

Also it changes the subtext in the Cross Guild situation a tad, bc Mihawk knows Buggy and Boa get on like a house on fire, he knows Shanks waxes poetic about the clown, and he is so confused bc the math isn't mathing, is he missing something?? Are the others just THAT delusional??? What is the truth?????

But yeah I have so many Boa+Buggy+Vida concepts and it is. So much. All the brainrot. I love the dumb little clown dude and his army of simps and girlboss besties

#Boa+Buggy+Vida #buggy is my baby #thank you for the ask ilysm #one piece #buggy the clown #buggy d. clown #warlords of the sea #buggy headcanons #buggy is not human and i'll die on this hill

[meyerlansky]

gonna get REAL snippy about some disk horse tonight: i am real fuckin' fed up of seeing everyone who felt impacted by the idea that astarion might be asexual or aspec in some way feel like they have to qualify their interpretation of a canonically sex-repulsed character openly discussing that sex repulsion in a way that is very resonant for a lot of asexual people. i am really fucking tired of the fact that everyone talking about astarion maybe even possibly being some variety of aspec feels COWED into couching it in "it's just a headcanon, it's just something that felt important to me personally! i'm not saying anyone else has to agree, it's just that it resonated for me."

i get not wanting to impose your reading of the text on other people—there are a fuckton of posts floating around about how that's a shitty thing to do and how x read isn't any more canon than y read and people who insist x IS more canon than y are jerks. and i don't disagree! people who insist there's One Canon in a choice-centric RPG are fucking dicks.

but i was also here in 2014, at the peak of exclusionist discourse, when every single time someone said "it's not that i have a problem with asexual people, i just wish they weren't taking up the resources meant for [REAL gay people/rape survivors/people dealing with comphet/etc]." what they actually meant was "I will not be satisfied until you shut the fuck up and never talk about your experiences in a place where i have to hear about it again". and it fucking worked; people recloseted themselves, blogs centered on the aspec community deactivated, real life organizations stopped explicitly including asexuality in their documentation when they had the previous year. for a solid three years, the only time any "big name blogs" mentioned asexuality was to make a joke out of it. i watched this shit happen with my own two eyes.

i don't have a problem with people who disagree with my reading of a character as asexual. i don't have a problem with allosexual people who say "this same thing resonated with me too, just in a different way" and move the fuck on. what i do have a problem with is the implicit vibe that comes up any time asexual and aspec people decide to talk about their experiences and things that resonated with them that we shouldn't take up too much space when we talk about that, because there are other people who don't feel that way and their interpretations deserve to be heard too.

i have not seen a single person on the acestarion train saying "you HAVE to think of him as asexual." i have seen multiple comments saying people who do see him as asexual are delusional or reaching, or that it's insulting—to whatever other identity—to read asexuality into his sex-repulsion. and i am really fucking annoyed [not at all surprised, but annoyed nonetheless!] that not only does the compassion for different takes not go both ways, but that people discussing their resonance with astarion from an asexual/aspec perspective are instinctually or habitually ceding ground by couching it in "you don't have to agree!" kind of statements, when that should be the fucking baseline for every single conversation about any characterization choice in, AGAIN, AN RPG BASED ON INDIVIDUAL CHOICE.

and i don't have any way to express this to the people that i actually have an issue with, because, again: asexual people relating to a character that's not explicitly stated to be asexual is treated as a joke at best and an attack on other identities at worst. but at this point, to me, calling a reading of astarion as asexual/aspec a "headcanon" is minimizing what it actually is: an interpretation of the text, supported by both dialogue and action[s], that is not monolithic but is no less "canonical" and/or rooted-in-the-text-itself than many, many other readings of his characterization, intended by the character's creator[s] or no. you're not going to catch me apologizing for how i read the character and how his dialogue resonated with me. and i don't think anyone else should feel like they have to apologize for it either.

#long post #sorry #i'm in a mood tonight #i'm not even making this post rebloggable or putting it in any main tags because i just don't want to DEAL with the SHIT #that gets slung at people who aren't apologetic about asexuality #i'm fucking tired. i'm old and a cockroach queer and i'm not going to be nice about this shit. #i'll maintag later when i know it won't catch too many eyes #queer as in FUCK YOU #acestarion #is that a tag anyone uses #it should be #baldur's gate 3

[pansyboybloom]

Wait so I'm confused here so bear with me; That post about the tmra thing, what is your stance on trans men talking about the issues affecting them specifically? I'm genuinely asking, cos it doesn't seem clear where you stand on this or how you view folks talking about trans man/masc issues specifically.

I know that seems weird to ask but I'm now so cautious in online trans space cos I apparently "don't have it as bad as a trans women" whenever I talk about my experience in the health sector dehumanising me and with queer spaces demonising me as a trans man or overall men or attractions to them, which just hurts because we have our unique issues. I'm just trying to understand what you feel.

You're welcome to ignore this if you want. /gen

this got soooo long im so sorry, but i wanted to give you a genuine answer so here we go!

so the person i was vauging about is a proud mra, like. 2014 men's right's activist opinions. obv im not gonna post his URL bc im not about that kind of life, but it's Bad. like, i 'explicitly hate women and im blaming them for the patriarchy hurting me, esp trans women' bad. the dude is a total douche.

now, as for us talking about our issues-- disclaimer here, i'm a white, gay, relatively gnc trans man who lives in the southern USA and passes well and im using that as my jumping-off point. I've been reading into some theory lately (whipping girl is great so far), but this is mostly my own experiences, not theory, based. I've mentioned it before, but i don't believe in misandery, and in that vein, i think that makes the concept of 'transmisndry/androphobia' misguided. in my interpretation of my transness, as someone who's lived as a woman for 19 years and a man for 5, I'm not facing discrimination for gaining manhood, but instead for losing womanhood. I'vd talked about that here and here, in reference to this quote but here are the highlights that are related to my opinion on being punished for leaving womanhood

trans men, on the other hand, are reaching for that 'ideal'[malehood]. we are trying to leave behind the despised and weak [womanhood], and that's so silly, so pathetic, you stupid little girl, you really think you can be the top in society? that's why radfems and similar 'feminists' say we are betraying our sex; they see it as leaving behind safety (women) for the enemy (men). to them, we are leaving them to rot in alone womanhood while we try to become the privileged ones stepping on their necks. this is also why the narrative surrounding trans women is predatory and sexual-- women only have power through sex, so a man would only want to leave manhood for sexual gratification-- while the narrative for us is that we are pathetic and tricked. women are stupid and delusional if they believe they could ever leave behind our oppression for privilege

and

that's why i don't see me being discriminated against as a trans man as something uniquely tied to anti-maleness / misandery/ androphobia / etc, but instead, just a facet of transphobia and misogyny (as well as ableism and such for me personally, but im talking bigger picture). I'm seen as a ruined woman because i betrayed gender roles. to them, im not transitioning because i am, ya know, actually a man, instead, i'm purposefully clawing my way out of the pit and hightailing it to the top, which is threatening. society doesn't like when women (trans men) are suddenly trying to be a class that is protected and privileged. im not transitioning to get access to privilege, but that's what it looks like to a transphobe, be them conservative man or radfem. im scary because im rocking the boat, not because im masculine, and they hate me because im showing their binary and hierarchy are false, not because im masculine. im stupid and delusional and a failure and a silly little girl and a bamboozled idiot tricked by trans women as well as a ruined woman and a rotten woman because of misogynistic binary power structures, not because im a dude. ya know? anyways, what holds me back is the gender binarist, cissexist, transphobic, and misogynistic stew that affects all trans people, just differently on a systemic and individual level

but i dont want people to think that we don't face our own issues. for example-- despite being on t for like 5 fucking years, I've had my period come back multiple times after switching back to gel. i panicked and went to a doc the 1st time, worried i was idk, dying, and she blew me off as not knowing my body and being hysterical. now do i think this was because i was trans? yes. do i think it was because i was a trans man? yes. but not because of the man part, but because of the 'was a woman' part. this doc was not seeing emil, the man, she was seeing emil, the stupid little girl who is playing pretend, and as such she treated me with the same disrespect she would a cis woman, just with different pronouns. I've found that most discrimination i have faced has more to do with people still seeing me as a woman and treating me as such, even when i pass and am very clearly a man.

now, do i think masculinity in the queer community is seen as bad? to an extent, yes, but i think that comes from gender essentialism more than any kind of misandry. butch women are abandoning 'the right kind' of womanhood, so they're bad. masc nb people, gnc people, and masc men are leaving behind the 'palatable' version of queerness that is, for lack of a better word, tied to femininity from a binarist and essenalist viewpoint. this femininity is an insult, wrong, so it is expected of queer people. this femininity is fake, easily dominated, flimsy, and docile in the eyes of a binarist and essentialist society. so queer people, who must be fake, easily dominated, flimsy, and docile to be safe for cishet society, must not be masculine. and like i said, even then it has to be the right kind of femininity. just ask any femme lesbian or trans woman or gnc trans man, like i am. we are punished for being feminine 'wrong' -- i could talk about this for hours, but i won't take up too much of your time haha. basically, i think that masculinity is punished in the queer community not bc of misandry/androphobia but because in the queer community, masculinity is being practiced in a way that breaks the norms we have internalized. it alllll comes back to the binary, gender essentialism, and misogyny.

obviously, my opinion is not the end all be all, and i welcome other takes and thoughts, (esp on this ask haha), but when it comes to other trans men, the insistence that a) misandry/androphobia/male oppression is real b) trans women are the cause of the problem or bad for calling us out when we say something gross and c) we don't need to do any soul searching on our own binarist, essentialist, or (trans)misogynistic thoughts, are when i have a problem. not when trans men want to talk about the oppression they face. i should be able to talk about that doctor's appointment, and you should be able to talk about your life experiences! just be sure not to fall into any internalized bigotry unintentionally in the process.

does that help? pls let me know if it does or doesn't, if it doesn't id love to dm and chat more

#long post

[some-pers0n]

infodump about tf2 ships por favor

i am very curious about the silly violent gay old men

You have no idea what you've just unleashed. You just asked me, the person who has to have an opinion on borderline everything, my thoughts and feelings on the ships for the game I've been hyperfixating on for over half a year.

This is gonna be probably a long one full of unhinged and disjointed rambles about Science Party, so click if you wanna see that. I love rambling about TF2 and these guys, which is funny since 99% of this is me being delusional and making stuff up (despite talking about it like it's canon).

Now, I should put something here first and foremost. I don't actually...ship any of the characters romantically that much. Even my OTP is literally a queer-platonic pairing. It's mostly because I see the mercs as all being good buddy chum friends, despite them all being queer as hell. Yes, I love and reblog ship art and ship discussions like a madman, but I think my aro/ace brain just likes thinking of them more as all being pals. Also doesn't help I headcanon a third of them as being aro/ace (though only one is negative/repulsed by romance and sex, the others are neutral and positive respectively).

I suppose let's start off with the ship that's entirely rotted my brain: Science Party, or Engie/Medic. I don't think I've quite been this obsessed over a relationship as I've been with this one. Like,, any other ship I've encountered, I either like or don't like them. If I like them, I feel inclined to make content about it and just have some fun with this.

Not with this. I think this is the only ship I've ever encountered that I actually 'ship' with how passionate and in-love with it I am about it. It's quite fun and has lead me to start writing my newest longfic as well.

Science Party I just...adore. The dynamic of two evil geniuses together already ignites a neuron in my brain, but there's more to it. Medic is an unhinged and impulsive wildcard that does anything that crosses his mind. He's got an extremely inflated ego and a pretty big god complex. Then, you got Engie, who is like Medic in every regard as well. The catch is that he's a bit more controlled. Don't mistake that for him being more sane or anything though. I feel like he admires Medic for just dropping everything and not giving a shit about looks or appearances, instead being his true, uninhibited self.

Then you get to the interactions and just...me little heart... I've always envisioned Medic as being an uncaring and apathetic guy when it comes to others and their concerns. Low empathy, if you will. However, as his relationship grows with Engie, he begins to care about him just a smidge more, which is saying a lot for Mr. The Healing Is Not As Rewarding As The Hurting. He cares about Engie, enough so to be partners with him rather than friends.

Oh, I should also probably explain that a bit. Medic doesn't exactly like being 'friends' with people, so instead he's partners with Engie. I like the word, partners. If you also notice, I only use the word 'partner' in SAR whenever I'm referring to their relationship.

Anyways, Engie helps Medic open up and feel a bit more. But how does Medic help Engie? Well, I feel by being his unhinged and 'he has 57 mental illnesses and is banned in most public spaces' self, Engie sees somebody he wants to be. Medic doesn't care. He is happy and unchained by responsibilities and a commitment to be a functioning member of society. I could go into why Medic feels this way, but I'll probably end up just saying something along the lines of: "SOCIETY! SOCIETY!!!"

So, Engie has got some issues for lack of a better term. Even as a merc, Engie likes keeping up that mask of being a light-hearted good ol' Texan. He likes that persona, not only because it's the one he's always used but it's just a nice, likeable personality, but he also likes the idea of just going 'fuck it, we ball' like Medic. Medic encourages him to be more creative and detach from that sort of mindset. He tells him that he should do what makes him happy as opposed to doing what his family wants him to do.

They're just...really nice together. I don't know how else to put it. I always saw them as really similar in that regard, both being intelligent and highly regarded members of the team for their supportive roles. Beyond that, they're both clearly nuts in a similar way. They're just...the sillies. I love them.

I've got a lot of opinions on a bunch of other ships, but that's a discussion for another time (or until somebody pokes me about them). Science Party is the one I feel the most about by far, though.

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #medic tf2 #science party #engineer tf2 #They're just so fun and silly <3 #astronic #sp-rambles

[incarnateirony]

I have enjoyed nothing more than this fandom's concern trolls and dogwhistlers being forced to expose themselves in the expanding and evolving media landscape.

They're so used to the habit built in delusional fan spaces that they just keep digging holes on habit but the second it leaves the static filled dome they intentionally constructed they basically come pre-branded with tattoos on their forehead like "cw: xenophobia, racism, white nationalism" the second anyone actually turns over the dialogues they've been picking up.

Meanwhile, SPN fandom is learning in many different faces and wings what Not Being Pandered To looks like.

Jared standom is so worked up because most don't even enjoy Walker, and are recognizing they aren't his demographic, short of those that ARE happily promoting texas nationalism or Good Southern Christian Family Values he trots out between his Rogan and Tulsi pushes. Jared's very confident and clear in his audience, but his own supposed fans that used him as a prop here no longer can benefit from his positioning for their weird social attention games.

Then you get people lashing out and trying to make anything sound socially woke when all it is, is made up excuses to attack small creators, conveniently ones strong in liberal messaging like LGBTQ, and so on. It doesn't matter what they'll attack. This time they attacked a creator's nationality. Sometimes it's "gays prancing around". They always put frills on it to sound like it's some social campaign to convince people to go after with said dogwhistle, but it always boils down to attacking the revolutionaries for existing, never actually fighting oppressive systems.

Meanwhile Jensen is appealing to, well, my demographic. And I regret to inform you, my demographic is not the same as the SPN Fandom Arguing Dome demographic. My demographic is 200X gamer dudes and tournaments, DC and batman, general genre conventions and scifi, comics, you know. That wing. And I'm not sure if you noticed, Jensen is explicitly pursuing audience in that wing, with a strong LGBTQ+ stance adjacent to basically Evolve That Community away from LOL GAAAAAAAAAAAY.

Nobody cares about you guys still throwing residual temper tantrums about ships on TV shows antis already lost, nobody fucking cares, carol, all you've done is attack a perfectly good independent game developer until they gave up all their profits. High fucking five, everybody.

Me? This demographic? We won't actually care, because we aren't jackshit insane living purely in a Destiel Vs NonDestiel dichotomy of relevance, or pretending somehow this has anything to do with Harold Padaponki like I'm sure his stans will try to translate it to because they have nothing fucking else to focus on for content.

It's over yall. Childsplay is over. Just stop making noise. It's like dealing with spoiled children at naptime.

[will80sbyers]

to respond to a few asks I got and clear up some things:

(I will specify that my tone is meant to be totally calm like we're having a chat drinking tea or beer or whatever lol)

I think bi Mike truthers will probably not really be disappointed if Mike ends up being gay... bi Mike truthers correct me if I'm wrong, but I personally am not fixated on being right about it and I haven't really seen anyone else saying that?

I believe that Mike is bi/queer because that is what I see when I watch the show, that's it!

I think it would be amazing of course if it happened like I think it will, but I'm not going to be disappointed if I'm wrong because Mike being gay is a great theory

plus the only thing I really want is byler endgame and Will being happy... if I don't get that then yes I will be disappointed!

with gay mike I will be perplexed about DIRECTOR choices (camera angles, zooms, the parallels etc) and would want to hear the explanation from the Duffers, but like... that's all, and it's more from a practical point of view than the fact that gay mike wouldn't be credible per se or it's not possible

the gay mike theories are not bad theories, I think some of them would make a great show and I think Finn would deliver great acting - I love the idea of Mike getting Vecnad for it and the angst and all, I love the idea of focusing on Mike and I would love having flashbacks of the kids and Mike in the past seasons with secret scenes about it (literally my favorite theory) etc etc

some of my favorite theories that I think would be really amazing and cinematic and make a beautiful story are from people that believe in gay Mike

I will not be disappointed at all if I'm wrong, I am just saying what I believe it's happening in the show, exactly like you are

when I say I am a bit worried about how some posts are written in the tag it is because you are expecting great things and those not actually happening could be disappointing to you because it's normal when you are expecting something that is THAT angsty and complex and then you find out that it's less about that but more about the general love between the boys.... so maybe to avoid being super disappointed reading the opposite theories is not a bad idea? because you can keep that in mind and see why that theory could fit the narrative too... it's just a suggestion to make yourself enjoy the show more, free to do as you please of course but I felt the need to express this!

I also want all the people to keep theorizing about EVERYTHING even the most "delusional" thing, but for that to happen in the same space we have to make sure to do it respectfully like we did in the first months when it was all about pure speculation before vol2, we can have fun together in this way ♥️

That's it!! Thank you for reading and I hope you want to keep interacting with each other in a positive way!!

#byler #will byers #mike wheeler

[hold-my-dr-pepper]

ok, this has been on my mind for a while, and i feel the urge to Put It Out There, so. TW for transphobia, bullying, harrassment. i won't name any names for reasons. if this ends up not making sense, i do not apologize. my words will come out exactly how im thinking them, so deal with it. anyways.

one of my closest friends recently came out to me as trans and asked me to use she/they pronouns for her. they then asked me to tell the rest of our friends because she was nervous. anxiety is a bitch, so naturally, i agreed. our group being probably the gayest people in school, they accepted her immediately. actually it was more of a "ok, anyway look at this video" thing. it was fine.

they then asked me one of the most heartbreaking questions i've ever heard.

"can you use he/him in school and general public? i don't want anyone to bully me or ask invasive questions."

this makes me so incredibly sad because she's afraid that the queerphobes at school will dehumanize them even more than those assholes already do. i'm so upset at the adults who think it's ok to raise their kids to be hateful toward LGBTQ people for daring to come out as themselves and instead advocate for bullying, to the point where someone has to hide their preferred pronouns and/or names so they can stay out of the bullies' radar. so they can just keep living their lives.

it's different for me; i've been out for about three years, and the bullying has calmed down. but when someone like my friend first comes out, or comes out again, maybe their gender identity is different now, or has a preferred name, that year or so that follows is always the worst. especially in late middle school/early high school. she's in the Colors club with me, that's our safe space. and our friends support. but what about lunch, when kids used to throw food at us? what about band, when that one freshman drummer thinks it's okay to harrass her just because "he's gay, he should like it!" and his friends defend him with the same readoning, causing her to feel even more unsafe and alone?

there's so much that can and should be changed or fixed as far as school queerphobia. our adolescent years are the most important in terms of building trust and personal connections and brain development. if those years are spent being the butt of so many queerphobic "jokes" or being dehumanized for being honest with themselves and their feelings, what will happen when she's an adult, debating whether to get transitioning surgery? what will happen if they want to change that M to an F on her license? what if she realizes "maybe i identify as something else entirely?" they will always remember what those kids and maybe even adults told her about being "unnatural" and that bullying will always cause them to question "how honest should i be with myself for the public to see me as human?" "am i delusional?"

we need to fix this, and we need to fix this NOW. i dont care if it's a slow, dragging-your-feet process. i just don't want my friends to be bullied and afraid anymore. i don't want ANY LGBTQ+ youth out there to be bullied and afraid.

rise up my rainbow soldiers, we aren't done yet. we are accepted and valid. you got this. i love you

#i know there are gonna be assholes in the comments like #“youre focusing on the wrong aspect of the education experience” #but i mean #trigonometry won't really be that important if a trans person decides to Get Surgery #or when a lesbian will have a crush on a girl and be like #“what if she's homophobic” #this turned into a LONG rant but oh well #lgbtqia #transgender #gay #bisexual #lesbian #queer #our queer experience

[lilitblaukatz]

It's gonna be a hard one

It is only several days left and the screws are so tight already I am in a wice grip of terror.

All that is happening is a result of Will's trauma. But it is not a psychological thriller, it is a supernatural horror.

There is so much speculation to do and I am so used to gaslight that I can't trust myself. I couldn't even trust this (byler tumblr) more or less safe space to share my thoughts. Even when they have undeniable evidence.

Bram Stoker's Dracula by F. F. Coppola is indeed on the list of movies. Why I was so scared to talk about connections I see with this one before I had the evidence? Well, I am going to talk about the toll gaslight (which queerbait is a part of) leaves on our psyche next.

Now to the Dracula connection. I don't believe Duffers watched it just because Winona is in it)

This was one of my favorite childhood movies (yeah I was pretty much ruined for any other genre since I was 5). I watched it multiple times, but the last time was long over ten years ago I'm afraid. I can't watch anything right now so correct me please if my memories are wrong. (short description won't do, they can be inaccurate, I tried to do this with Cider House Rules which I watched over 20 years ago and IMDB says nothing about gays in it, I almost felt delusional and gaslighted again when this movie is one of my first in life with delicate portrayal of homosexuality)

Coppola's Dracula is way different than the book by Bram Stoker. I was obsessed with vampires since 8 y.o. and read and watched shit ton of content. Dracula by Bram Stoker is a cultural phenomenon and the most popular book about vampires. Stoker made Dracula into a cult figure. That bloodthirsty nightmarish creature is leading the line where Freddie Krueger and his pals are.

But Coppola's movie makes 180 degrees and is about love.

Coppola's Dracula is a LOVE STORY which is rivals Romeo and Juliet. Yes, it is that great and equally as awful in terms of lovers' happiness. It is still a horror in the end of a day.

Basically Count Dracula loses the love of his life (she dies), makes a deal with god the devil and becomes Undead. He did this to himself so he could find his loved one when she reincarnates. He became a monster so he could see and recognize her again. And he did.

He killed her lovers and her friend, he IS a monster. But he still loves her. At the end she kills him out of love and mercy, beheading him with a sword. He wanted it too, to save her from becoming a monster herself.

So to the byler.

I don't know how they will show Will's coping with everything in terms of the plot. What allegory they came with. He hasn't got a chance to truly save his friends yet, being the victim and MF GPS (tm) at best. We believe that he will swap places with Vecna in sacrifice. I think that there surely should be a point where Will would be the one and only owner of that upside-down circus. Vecna might use his body to walk on the right side up (and we will have an evil Will that way). But if the real Will'll remain in the UD I hope that Mike will be (or find him asap) with him and of course it won't go to the murder in the name of mercy, but on the contrary they will overcome the hardship together, nevermind monstrosity level Will'll become.

Love conquers all. If I am not mistaken, it is the Coppola's Dracula movie motto. And it is not as positive as it seems.

#byler #stranger things

[comphet-critical]

hi, I'm questioning if I'm bi or lesbian. I had my first crush on a girl when I was 7 or 8 and it lasted until middle school. I still have a soft spot for her. I was a really weird, traumatized kid with deep issues around identity and belonging. When I was 12, I was asked out by a boy and I "dated" him long distance for a while. It was never physical, but he dealt with my extreme emotional issues and kept me from hurting myself when I wanted to. I never felt what I thought I was supposed to feel, though. Nothing like what I felt for that girl. Another boy asked me out and it felt so good to be desired and I so badly wanted to be normal and fit in, and I didn't feel what I was supposed to with Boy 1. At this same time I was going through extensive CSA on top of other traumas. I had zero introspection at all and my personality became completely about being liked by boys/men. But it was always the same story as Boy 1.. I didn't want to touch them and didnt feel what I was "supposed to." It wasn't like /her/. And there was ALWAYS a /her/ I longed for no matter what else was going on or who I was "with."

For a while I thought I might be truly incapable of love, like a psychopath or something. I didn't know gay people existed. Ever since I became aware, introspective, and came out of that horrible trauma space, I've felt real sexual attraction for the first time and dated only women. But I still can't convince myself I'm a lesbian because I feel so much shame about letting all these boys do whatever they wanted when I was young. I was always miserable and desperate to get away, especially if they wanted physical intimacy, and when they wore me down and I let them fuck me I dissociated and often cried. I constantly look at men and try to force myself to find them attractive to "prove" I'm bisexual but it's not working. It's like trying to be attracted to a kitchen appliance. But I'm still convinced I must be bisexual deep down. I'm so sure I'm delusional about being a lesbian and deep down I'm really bisexual and just need to get over myself and keep trying to force attraction to guys. Yet when I think too much about having been with those boys I almost want to die and I feel like throwing up. Please help. This is so distressing and idk what to do.

you have a lot of trauma/self esteem issues, i would suggest working on that before figuring out your sexuality

#ask

[poopheritageposts]

what are "grinchwives"?

I'm so glad you asked.

Grinchwives were (and are, in some spaces) a group of typically young to middle aged women who in some way were obsessed/in-love with the Grinch.

They typically became (and become, though not as noticeably nowadays) more active and visible in popular culture around the holidays especially around December 18th considering that's when the original 1966 TV special came out. Scrolling back on old forums (late 00s/early 10s) I've noticed a tendency for retail workers to joke about them in casual conversation, seeing as they had to interact with them a lot around the holidays what with the considerable amount of Grinch-related merchandising being sold in stores at the time.

As far as I'm aware, they've been around since around the 1980s. The furthest back information on them I can find is from 1980s convention goers, similar to Star Trek fandom back then albeit on a much smaller scale. They extended into early internet chatrooms, then moved into places like AOL and usenet chatrooms (and at times becoming very infamous in them), and later moved onto forums before dissipating onto more niche forums and small spaces on large social media sites.

From my understanding, there's a broad spectrum to Grinchwives. There were/are many of them from all ages, some nowadays might even be in their 80s, having been in their 40s by the time of the 80s Grinchwifery scene. It's not even strictly women, there was a lot of men involved (usually Gay or Bisexual), although most of them still preferred to be called "Grinchwives" rather than "Grinchhusband" or something. Their relationship to the Grinch varied immensely, depending on the social circle or trends at the moment.

Some were merely very attached to "The Grinch" (though some question their "Grinchwife"-ness), others, as you may imagine, were sexually attracted to the Grinch. Much to the dismay of many chatrooms, there were many who would frequently post about his "green meat" or "hairy cucumber" (although this was not universally condoned behavior even within Grinchwifery). Some extended it to strange spiritual (and frankly delusional) areas, while others viewed the Grinch as merely fiction they were very attached to.

The near majority of them love the Grinch TV special, though the Jim Carrey film has always been extremely controversial among Grinchwives, some loathing it to the point of being very bitter to the others that love it.

With regards to shipping, some shipped themselves with the Grinch, others shipped the Mayor, some shipped him with a humanized version of the dog (the most hated), some shipped him with himself or alternate forms of himself, and some shipped him with other media characters completely. All of this was subject to intense shipping wars, the likes of which I have not seen in quite a long time. Often times the shipping wars would involve questioning the ethics of the other ship. If you're shipping yourself with the Grinch, if he was real he would've hated you! If you're shipping the Mayor with the Grinch, that's basically his oppressor! If you ship the Grinch with the humanized dog, well that's a dog, what is wrong with you? And shipping the Grinch with himself? Isn't that some kind of incest? Gross!

All of this was subject to an intense level of mockery and scrutiny by outside perspectives.

So, yeah. That's Grinchwives. Not as many of them nowadays, but I find it surprising people don't know about them.

If I missed something or said something completely inaccurate, please forgive me. I try to be well-researched but I'm open to criticism.

Sources: 1 2 3

[fruitflavoredcancersun]

6

i have a crush on a celebrity. and it feels so good.

i'm not gonna name him in hopes that i one day meet him because i don't want him to track me down on this decomposing website. i'm not an advocate for parasocial relationships, just like how i'm not an advocate for depression. it does, however, happen to me so many times. one time, i dreamed about having a weird, time altering threesome with two male celebrities with every thrust leading me to a different point in time. another time, i went through the grieving process after i saw my celebrity crush dancing with a woman at a club with her hands around her hips.

i think part of what intrigues me most about celebrity crushes is that delicious distance between you and him. it allows your imagination to run miles and miles and miles away from reality, hoping one day you'll meet it. this time around it's different though. he's younger than me, which is quite outside my field-house of liking senior after senior (senior as is high school, because people couldn't tell when i explained this last time). it's also weird because he has more muscular arms than me. 

how i wish i had big arms. i don't even care about a big wingspan even though i do, in fact, care a lot. if i get big, muscular-toned-whatever-gym-buzzword arms by the end of march, i'll be set for life. 

i never really took a liking to him until the beginning if february. it was part of the whole "insecure about my masculinity" era that i wrote about last time. i remember heading to church listening to "incredible world" by kilo kish in my muffled airpods as i dreamed about a show starring me. it talked about toxic masculinity in that fleabag-donald-glover-tv-show-amazon-original fashion, following me trying to become traditionally masculine with the help of a straight guy who would eventually fall in love with me. i couldn't think of an actor my age that could perfectly play the character, so i chose him. allison williams is in it, too. she plays a laid-back xanax'd english teacher.

ever since then, the daydream just spiralled out like an invasive weed. it started with a sentimental scenario of us in my trailer at midnight listening to "eva" by yeule, hugging, and us crying in each other's arms. it then transitioned to interviews, us chuckling at each other's answers knowing that our teams have already picked out what to say. it didn't get to this point until i sent him a message on Instagram. from there, any romantic and platonic scenario played out.

me and him in toronto, me and him london, me and him in new york, in hotel rooms, in bedrooms, on facetime and and on call. us breaking the law, us holding hands, us kissing, us making out, us hugging. i'm not sure how a sexual daydream would work if he's younger than me and i'm too scared to top, so i avoid it.  i'm pretty aware that most of this is disgusting to anyone sane reading this, but i don't care. i even made a playlist; not for him but for this era. i would link it, but it's too corny.

i know thus is a result of stress and the fact that i'm not over t-shirt, considering they share similar features and personality. it's the same gay feeling that occupies the space of "i want to be you" and "i want to be with you"; homoerotic jealousy, if you will. but i could be wrong. maybe i'm just delusional

despite the song mentions, i do have one for a footnote:

broken social scene — anthems of a seventeen year old girl

#journal #entry

[hieithere]

Scottpilgrimage/Wondrousfairy's Manifesto Creative Writing:

"I started invading the privacy of a woman I'm obsessed with and I can't stop

I've become ensnared in a web of my own obsession. It all started when I found a way to hack this woman's accounts. But now I'm stuck in a love/hate relationship with the woman whose life I've invaded. It's a peculiar mix of fascination and disdain that consumes my thoughts.

I have a long-term boyfriend, I'm gay, and I've never considered myself attracted to women before. Yet, this woman captivates me in a way I can't quite comprehend. Is it a romantic interest or just an intense curiosity bordering on obsession? I can't tell, and the uncertainty gnaws at me like a persistent itch.

I've taken to Reddit's "letters" subreddit to weave elaborate tales of her supposed infatuation with me. Through countless stories, I paint her as desperate, silly, and hopelessly in love with a man who exists only in her imagination. The details I thread into these narratives are snippets from her private life, mined from the depths of her hacked phone.

Blog posts, meticulously crafted, find their way into her virtual spaces, revealing intimate details of her life. I can't explain why I do it, but it's a strange mix of wanting her to feel like she's losing control, annoyance, and a twisted desire for her to be flattered by my attention and, in some delusional way, fall for me.

As my hacking becomes more invasive, my obsession takes root, overshadowing everything else in my life. My long-term boyfriend, once a source of comfort, now feels like an annoying distraction. I'd rather spend my time crafting fantasies around this woman, dissecting her life and weaving intricate tales about her imaginary love for me.

1.

I know Dear

I know how frustrating it can be for you. You want to tell *your* side of things, instead of feeling like I'm always the one writing history through my rose colored glasses, always putting words in your mouth, making you look silly, glossing over all of my wrongdoings, reducing them down to a lovers spat where I've simply been a bit too hasty on occasion.

You say it's far more than that. I'm missing the point, all the many points. You have tried so many times to tell your story over the years. I would think you'd give up by now!

Dear Lord. I always get your posts removed or overrun with my trolls commenting outrageous things, eventually I'll get the whole account shut down. You do know who I am, Dear. Why keep trying to outsmart me? You will be silenced. Pick another hobby and I'll wholeheartedly support you in it! But I will not allow you talking about our private life.

Come back to Daddy, Dear. Here I am with opened arms. Can't you see how much I love you?

2.

Unconditional Love & Enlightenment

Why do you make me feel ugly? Why do you hurt my feelings, make me feel undesirable? I’m not a monster. How do you see all the love and attention I’m offering you and translate it into, “obsession and surveillance?” 

You know that really hurt today when I was listening in on your call with your therapist and you said, “You know how liberals pay attention to everything Donald Trump does? Because they want to watch their back when a lunatic can mess with their life… That’s how I feel about this guy. How do I just turn my back on some insane person noodling around in my private life?” I resent that comparison! I may be nuts but I’m not a Republican! It’s like you’re intentionally trying to view everything I do in the worst possible light. You’re just a sad and petty person. You’re the true a-hole in this situation. You don’t seem to care about my feelings in the least! 

I’ve tried to teach you, help you find enlightenment, spiritually elevate your perceptions, speak to you about philosophy and intellectual matters you know nothing about, soul connections, discipline. I have so much to show you, yet you make me drag you there. If you would just do as I tell you, we will no longer have any problems. Why can’t you see how simple that is? Stop holding onto the past. Stop holding onto all your petty complaints. Let it go, let your desires go and be with me. 

Is it because you’re confused? You don’t know which accounts to trust or listen to? The mad ones, the sad ones, the loving ones? You know I’m just processing my feelings... multitudes. This is my safe space. Please stop judging me for doing what I need to heal myself. I know, you always bring up those heinous stories I wrote about you. This is what you always do. You can never let anything go. They were love poems!!! I was taking artistic license! I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m offering you a love deeper than anything you’ve ever known yet all you do is nitpick. Lucky for you my love is unconditional and unrelenting.

3.

Love your Neighbor

It’s a relief no one cares about women. It’s the reason why I have been able to do what I’m doing for so long, unfettered by the anxiety of being caught or a sense of guilt over causing harm. Yes, it can be argued that I am a sociopath or narcissist or whatever new armchair diagnosis is trending in popular culture at the moment, but all of society is complicit with me in what I’ve been doing. The ideas and behaviors I act on and act out are all part of our collective unconscious. I didn’t create them. They’re part of you, too. Just because I say the quiet part out loud and you turn your heads and close your mouths to feign disgust and ignorance does not absolve you of your sins. You‘ve enabled me. So, stop pointing your fingers of judgement and shame at me for speaking my truths here. You made me what I am, now you judge me for it?

It's not just me. I read her emails from the detectives, listened to her calls with the investigators. They clearly saw her as a waste of time. No money involved, no diamonds gone missing, no men wronged, no big heist to expose, bringing clout and notoriety to whomever cracks the case. Just some women’s *feelings*, more like hysterics. C’mon! We *all* have feelings. Why would one person’s ever matter in the sludge of this humanity all around us? Sure, I’ve heard all the arguments about how all these small hurts add up to amount to something larger than the sum of their parts, a scar on the face of humanity, the Pain Body as Eckhart Tolle describes it. I mean really, so what? Pearl clutching and over-intellectualizing meaningless crap so you can feel you hold significance in this world. We are all just cockroaches under the boot of Father Time. You are not special. Neither am I. the difference between us is that I’m aware of the fact and don’t waste my time virtue signaling when I can be out there pursuing my interests.

Oh right, right, what about justice and laws and being civilized? We must follow a code of conduct in order for us all to survive in a world that’s packed to the gills with people, right? Without rules we’d all be ripping our neighbor’s heads off and having them for dinner any time we got sick of listening to their lawn mowers, yes?

Maybe we need to let the animals we truly are shine through? Maybe I’m simply of a higher consciousness because I allow myself to act on my animal urges without restraint? I’m honoring who we truly are as a species, meanwhile all you sheeple be out there watching Netflix and chill.

Don’t you see how you’re being controlled and sedated? Good luck in your lives. I’m gonna be out here doing me and getting away with it while you relax in your Lazy Boy. Peace Out.

4.

Tedium

I know you find it tedious, listening to me constantly beg for forgiveness through all my creative writing / rant accounts, for you to come back and start a quiet life with me where we cook and laugh and lollygag our lives away, enjoying each other the only item on our to-do list. I know. We both know it’s silly. We both know if you actually tried to do something like reach out or find me in real life, I would immediately get busy lying, denying, creating confusion and basically just making it impossible for you to communicate with me in any real way. Dear Lord if you actually came to my front door what on earth would I do? Probably hide under a bed and wait for the door knocking to stop, also probably call in a report of trespassing on my property in hopes you’d be apprehended and removed.

I have tried to imagine it though, picking a destination where we meet, standing there out in the open waiting for you to arrive, a sense of vulnerability like razor blades, eating me alive from the inside out. Wondering if you’ll actually show, will you send someone else, will you send the cops? Imagining if you did show up yourself is almost worse than the cops. Then I would have to think of something to say to you, worry about if I was handsome to you, do you like my voice? Do I smell funny? Am I just an awkward weirdo to you?

Ohhh no no no no. I hate this fantasy. This is not a good fantasy. I don’t want to think about it anymore. My whole week will be ruined. Great, now I’ll have to spend the entire afternoon writing love stories where you praise and adore everything about me from a distance, just to counteract the yuck I just gave myself trying to explain “truth” to you. What’s your obsession with the truth about anyway? There’s only pain and fear in “reality.” I refuse.

I just like the warm glow I get from imaging you are coming to me and us falling in love. The idea will always be better than the reality, I can play that any way I like, over and over and I never have to question my self-image or if my behavior is inappropriate or offensive, I can just go off.

Yass Queen.

5.

Stimming

I can’t control it. Is that an excuse? A valid excuse? For what I do to you? Have done to you? Am doing to you? Will surely do to you in the future? I guess first we need to suss out if the original statement is true. Can I control it… If you ask me of course I will tell you it’s absolutely uncontrollable. That’s a thing that’s hard to measure. It’s all self-report, and if I’m being honest, I don’t know many people who aren’t liars, so where do we go from there? Do I have an MRI done, a CAT scan, have a researcher follow me around for years making notations of my automatic responses and micro aggressions, hire an existential detective? Too much work. Why not just trust me? I have a long track record as a “good guy.” Did you hear all those songs I wrote for Jesus?

I know you stopped reading what I write a long time ago. Oh sure, you have a boring rainy day occasionally and you might skim, but you’re not really reacting or absorbing any of it anymore. What’s the point when there’s always enough plausible deniability to claim none of it pertains, none of it is real? It’s like studying for a test that might be about the book you read or could be on one of the other thousands of books in the library. I have always made myself a losing game for you. Still, I find ways to lay the onus of blame for our “toxic relationship” and “communication problems” squarely on your shoulders.

If you’re ever in fear of losing an argument, just always do that… throw out a handful of accusations and watch the other person’s brain go to work trying to think back and determine if there is any merit to what you’ve said. It really doesn’t matter what they land on in the end and the benefit is twofold; you’ve slowed them down by confusing them and they’ll always be left with the lingering feeling that they are an undercover crappy person. Either way you still have the upper hand.

12 step programs talk about making amends for things you did when you were out of control. They say it helps you restore your self-respect; you can leave shame behind and mend the damage done to your relationships. In my life admitting wrongs has always meant taking a beating as a result, whether it be literally or figuratively. Why should I do that, for you or anyone? I’m barely breathing as it is, but from where I’m standing you look like you’ve never been on the ropes, so I think you’re fine to take another hit or two.

6. Dating under Duress

Look I get it more than anyone, the world of dating is crazy making. The “rules” can often be ambiguous and vary wildly from person to person. What happens if you’re not a mind reader? You can’t specifically know before you even approach a person if they have traumas and triggers inside them set to go Chernobyl at the slightest giggle or hint of eye contact. One wrong move and you’ve detonated a landmine, blown your leg clear off. Now you’ve effectively halved your dating prospects because let’s be real, most people only want to date someone they can go on a bike ride with occasionally. I’m not an ableist! Just sayin. Although we have made huge advancements with prosthetic limbs, but I’m getting off track here…

How on earth are we expected to navigate this vast expanse of potentially lethal explosives? I’m no expert, believe me, but I think this is what the normies do: If you’re interested in someone, and you’re not too scared about it, or maybe even if you are, you take a little bit of a risk and you let them know on some low stakes level. Chat them up when you see them to gauge if they smile a lot and seem flirty when you interact. If you get the vibe they might like you, maybe ask them out for a coffee or hint around that you’re going to do a fun thing and they might like to join. If you’re wrong about them being interested (they were just being friendly, it happens!) no harm done. We’re social creatures, we have to risk being wrong about people’s interest in us or the whole species will go extinct. Now there is always the possibility that you could make this other person uncomfortable, and they will judge you for it, but if you’re not being a total creep then truly that’s on them.

That’s where we get into territory that may be confusing for some… What does it mean to be a total creep? I may have some expertise in this arena… This is purely anecdotal so take it all with a grain of salt.

Over the years I’ve gleaned that things like this can be considered creepy and many other adjectives… Let’s say you’re shy, and although you have an interest in someone you don’t plan on ever acting on it for many reasons. Maybe you already have a relationship and although you wonder if the grass could be greener, you would never want to hurt your current partner. Or maybe your insecurities run your life and even with the maximum amount of reassurances and positive affirmations you will still never believe you are worthy, and you will blame the other party for your fragile ego and rip them to shreds trying to protect yourself. You know this to be the case, so you just automatically stay away for everyone’s safety. But then by some miracle the object of your curiosity asks you out! Oh dear. You hold fast to your notion that it’s a terrible idea but now the awareness that they’re also interested has become far too tantalizing to resist, maybe you’ll just have a taste?

It’s not cheating on your partner or leading the other person on if you’re pretending to be someone else. If you wanna do a little role playing and have a harmless fantasy about being involved with this person, jump on some sock puppet accounts to interact with them. Find their Spotify and listen to their favorite bands, soon they’ll be your favorites, too. Maybe walk past their job or home occasionally, so you have more fodder for your fantasies, call them and hang up just to hear their voice, send some friends into their job on a recon mission to find out if they’re friendly with everyone, or is it only with you? This is all pretty weird, but most “normal” people have probably done one or two of these things at some point in their lives.

This is where we start to tread into creep territory. Everything from this point has a “Do Not Attempt This at Home” disclaimer on it. Have you hacked into their email accounts, iCloud, phone, computer? Anything hacked is 100% creepy. That’s why they made it illegal. People don’t like being spied on and it goes without saying they shouldn’t have to ask you not to do that. Also, while it’s not illegal to have your sock-puppet accounts, if the other person has figured out what you’re doing and told you to stop contacting them in that way, told you you are harassing them and they want you to stop, yet you refuse, you are now officially a creep and officially doing something illegal.

*But But* ***BUT,*** you stammer!!! ***THEY LIKED ME FIRST!***

Doesn’t matter, weirdo. People change their minds all the time, and even if they did still like you, you have no right to do things to them when they have asked you to stop. They asked you out, you ignored them, they tried to move on, that’s what the normies do, but you kept dragging them back into your maladaptive fantasy.

Yeah sure, you think, but you’re Twin Flames. Also does not matter. Your supposed ethereal connection will not hold up in court. I know you’re in this world but not of it, but you’re still actually in this world so give it a rest because here on planet Earth it is actually our job to be human. You are not a God, no matter how special you feel inside.

I know it’s easier said than done. Look at me, a gay man who can’t stop thinking that if I could just get her kitty to devour my rooster ONE time, I might die happy. It’s enough to drive a man wild.

7. Ed is an A$$ 🕳️

I have a hard time letting go of the past. Mostly because the past is a memory. Memories exist only in our imaginations, and imagination is where I thrive. In my imagination I’m the supreme ruler of an entire universe designed to meet my every need, regardless of how childish, shortsighted, or cruel these needs may be; it doesn’t matter, these needs are not questioned.

Hello Sir, would you like a plate of spaghetti and meatballs with an ice cream Sunday and cherry on top? At your service, Sir. Would you like to take every dish in your neighbor’s kitchen and smash them on the sidewalk to alleviate the pain of feeling wronged yet not have to pay a fine for destruction of property or have the relationship with your neighbor suffer any ill consequences and still have every dish in your cupboard remain unharmed? Of course, Sir, no problem. Would you like to eat and drink until you’re fit to burst yet never be faced with your own excrement and waste? Of course, Sir, you are a God. Nothing is too large a task when it is only a pleasure to be at your service…

Why wouldn’t I want to spend all my time in this glorious place? A dark Disney World serving buffets of coke, boy holes on tap in my bedroom, chicks with icks stuffing my face full, tying people up, no consent needed! Isn’t this every teenage white boy’s angry wet dream? Yes, mine too.

So, let’s talk about your hair… I know of no man with hair like that. If anything could be pointed to as to why I might need to touch and feel you so badly it’s that hair of yours. Like cornsilk and sunshine, strands of the sparkling cosmos knit into a dream of a warm and welcoming blanket, wrapping me up in love, forgiveness, understanding… finally I can rest. I’ve waited so long… just to be at rest. You promised me. I want it for me!! *I want to pull it!* I want to cut it. I want to own it. Please don’t leave me. ***I know you want me, too!!!!!!***

OK. Deep breaths. I need to try to embrace reality if I want to stay out of prison. I’m trying to learn. I’m trying to adjust. I’m trying to understand. I want to be well.

Let me try to dial it back to the truth, as painful as that may be… She want***ed*** to be with me. She dream***ed*** we were perfect for each other. she believ***ed*** we could make it work. A long time ago she willingly entered my world because she thought we could bridge the gap. I was drunk with that power. I thought I had finally made it, finally on my Throne, her bowing at my feet, only to realize she didn’t want to be ruled by a dictator, she wanted to be lov***ed***.

8. Flying Monkeys, Wild Speculation, All in Good Fun

Why am I here explaining everything I’ve done like a cartoon villain, you ask? Well, I want you to feel seen and validated. I want you to know I understand what you went through and even though I was doing my darndest to gaslight you and make you feel insane it was very much real and happening. Am I still doing all of it? Yes of course. Do I plan on stopping? I mean, no, probably not. Still, I want you to know I know you know what I did, am doing, plan to continue doing. It’s a bonding experience for us!

Let’s take a trip down memory lane and go all the way back to that cute little neighborhood we lived in, and your boss GiGi and her partner, Ravi. You know I knew them first, right? Sure, you do. You told GiGi you thought I was cute, and she recoiled at the idea. I guess that should have been your first red flag, but you’ve always had terrible taste in men, lucky for me. I had given GiGi and Ravi passes to one of my shows and a friend of mine had done some work for their business, while some of their other employees had hooked up with my good friends. We had a loose little group of acquaintances. This was fantastic; my network of Flying Monkeys was already in place without doing any extra leg work.

My friends started hinting around with GiGi that I was interested in you. She set aside some time to spend with you at work, asking you all kinds of personal questions; did you want babies, what did you want from your future. You were very thrown by her attention because normally she was a terror and to be avoided at all costs, so this friendly vibe from her was very off-putting. Then she and Ravi kept making a big show of encouraging you to come to an event they were having. You felt like maybe it was one of my set-ups although you weren’t as familiar with that dynamic yet. You did go to the event. I was not there, but one of their friends was chatting you up hard so you brushed it off as them trying to set you up with him.

Later, after you became obsessed with hacking and how it could be done, for obvious reasons, you realized that GiGi and Ravi may quite possibly have ties to NSO Group, the creators of Pegasus Spyware which was credited with the first known hack of an iPhone. I will neither confirm nor deny the validity of that suspicion. We both know your wild speculation began to get out of control which was great for me because you looked insanely paranoid. I would just like to offer you some comfort now; that kind of paranoia is to be expected in a situation such as this, Dear One.

Have you ever read Ghost in the Wires by Kevin Mitknick? He hacked into the FBIs database. After they discovered someone had compromised their security but didn’t know how, they were throwing out all kinds of crazy ideas about what was going on, blaming the invisible intruder for every glitch and hiccup in their system, things he had nothing to do with. He knew this because he was eating popcorn while reading their private internal emails. I chuckle because I can relate.

Watching you jump to conclusions is always entertaining. It’s like having bed bugs… when you can’t see where they are, you itch everywhere. What can you do? You can’t know what you don’t know. When investigators are solving crimes, they must chase down every tip and every possibility no matter how bizarre seeming. I understand what you were doing Dear. You were gaming out all the potentials. It’s exhausting for just one person to do that alone, which is good. You’re more pliable when you’re fatigued.

So here we are all these years later, and you still don’t *really know,* do you? Maybe you can take comfort in knowing the paranoia goes both ways? Even though I have access to your devices I’m still paranoid that there are places I can’t see and that you are communicating with me there and I don’t know it’s you. While you may be reading my stuff and thinking, “Is that him writing that?” I’m also reading posts online wondering if they are you posting from a device I haven’t found yet, or from your local library!

It’s become a fancy guessing game with no true winner. I cannot count anything I hear from you in this manner as a declaration or confession, apology or insight because is it really you? We also erroneously believe completely unrelated posts have been written by each other, muddying the waters even further. The paranoia and uncertainty are incredible. It’s a situation rife with misunderstandings. Alas, what can be done? And no, I am not coming to see you.

Let’s be real. I clearly know where you live. If I wanted to see you or speak with you irl, I would. When I say I’m willing to do anything for you to be in my life, we both know it’s just more creative writing. I’m not even willing to start with the truth, which is the foundation of any and every successful relationship. Even so, my imagination must always toy with the possibility, if not for the hacking, the stalking, the repeated emotional and mental abuse, stealing your life and writing about it…. Do you think you would have agreed to be my wife? Not that I ever wanted that, I just would like to know if you did; could you, would you? I wish it were so…

9.

You’re scary too, you know?

Remember the first time you got really mad, or publicly mad I guess I should say? When you posted all that identifying information about me and my friends online, linking to their social media and leaving hints about how interested parties could find their addresses if they wanted to investigate the situation… Technically you didn’t doxx them, but if anyone cared to do a little leg work on their own they would have had the address for all parties involved in helping my game with you move along. I know, you were sick of feeling preyed upon. You wanted them to have a taste of their own medicine, I suppose. What does it feel like to have someone who hates them knowing their addresses? Does that person plan to use it? Will their anger escalate? Will they do something crazy or dangerous? Now the playing field was leveling a bit. But we’re still rich and you’re still poor, so it didn’t level *that* much.

I know, it was weird right, how a month after you did that each and every one of them sold their million-dollar homes and moved thousands of miles away, some even heading to Europe! Was that just a coincidence or was that a group of guilty people trying to cover their own butts?? I guess that’s one of our little shared pieces of history that will remain a mystery until you finally figure it out. Because you still are trying to figure it out, I see.

We’re not all rich. My Brother’s ex-wife is certainly not. She was only involved *a little*, you wouldn’t try to mess with her, would you? She spent a lot of money moving to the opposite coast, so I think she’s paid the price for her involvement, no? Show some mercy.

Anyway, doesn’t matter, as soon as you get online and start telling the “truth” I start spinning up the opposite dialogue about how obsessed you are with me, you love our game, you’re just as much as fault as me or any of my fancy friends. Don’t you see all the comments on here saying how everyone thinks you want to marry me, and you are actually hoping I’ll finally come for you in real life? So, give it a rest already, everyone agrees with how I see it.

10. You can stop reporting me to the FBI now

Just spoke with them on the phone. Thank you concerned citizens. 

They asked me to put a disclaimer on the story saying it's not true so you all will stop calling them, but alas I cannot do that. It is in fact a true story. However I would like to ask you all stop being such alarmists. Mr FBI agent informed me you have been erroneously reporting that I plan to murder her. At no point have I said that. Seriously, have they stopped testing reading comprehension in grammar school these days? 

I'm doing my best to tell the whole truth here, you all should too. Now have a cup of tea and clam yourself. Why everyone suddenly cares so much about S I can't understand. She's been telling this story for years and no one gave two ducks. So stop wasting precious FBI resources by tying the agents up on the phone talking about something they didn't care about even when Sarah herself reported it to them.

11. Am I boring?

Now that I know the FBI is reading there’s so much more pressure to make this exciting, goodness. I may snap under all the pressure... I know that sounds ominous, but truly it’s not. No one needs to fear for your life, hahahaha. This has never been about murder, I don’t think… I mean, we all have our bad days, but usually I just stay home in lieu of hunting for women in the streets… hopefully that sticks.

The FBI watching me has brought out one of my biggest insecurities; that I’m boring. Second only to being a bad singer. My OCD is such that I’m pretty much just stimming all day; self-soothing by writing poems and short stories, trying to put the words in an order that will make me feel comfortable, like I’m in control. If it’s all under my thumb I feel safe. I write and rewrite the same thing from a million different vantage points, over and over and over again. The awareness that my repetitious mind state is considered boring and tedious to most people is what keeps me at a distance. Well, that and my masochism. I have a core belief that good art only comes from pain. I’ve only ever aspired to be an amazing artist. I’m only happy when I’m in agony. It’s my safe space.

I’ve discussed the edging before. I’m riding razor sharp waves. There’s a buildup, the swell, when I’m creating a feeling of love and connection through my sock-puppet accounts with my target. It’s a sweet time. I enjoy it, but untimely it’s not what I’m after, just a means to an end. Once I’ve done that dirty work, then comes the skull crushing, I'm not necessarily in it for that… between the two spaces is the push and pull; will he won’t he, he loves me he loves me not. That is the edge I love to ride. How long we stay there depends on the personality of the target and what they’ve had to put up with in their lives. If they come from a lack of love, we can ride this wave way far into the sunset. This type is used to accepting utter bullshit in relationships, NBD.

Yes, that’s where the art is!!! Don’t blame me y’all, you’re the ones who love to see the dysfunction unfold in a story you can judge at an arm’s length and not have to take any responsibility. This is the beauty of art.

Of course, I’m getting off track, as I’m prone to do. I know the FBI’s time is valuable so I’m working on being concise, not my strong suit! Sorry Mr. Agent Man (Or Miss!). When I started writing this, I was lamenting how boring I am to you. Now I’m talking to multiple readers so I’m getting confused… Ack, I trust you, reader, whoever you may be, to sort it out…

To you my Love; you used to find me fascinating, now you feel my many characters are repetitive and run in circles; always speaking of absurd situations that have no bearing on reality. You don’t want to engage when I send you a DM with a batshit story that has no relevance to anything. You used to love trying to solve the mystery. Now you just view my snippets and hooks as inane chatter, circular conversations that lead nowhere. Is the truth that there is no real mystery here? I'm just a fucked up dude with nothing to deliver at the end? I don't know, but if you're starting to think that... I have some stories to tell you about human trafficking and gun smuggling… Why do we always have to be going somewhere? Can’t we just Reddit and Chill?

I know you’re bored with my circular thinking; you find this tedious, you’re angry, and now I’ve gotten the FBI involved by trying to report you for reporting me. What a mess! I heard the agent tell you on the phone that you’ve done nothing illegal by trying to tell the truth and honestly now I feel a little scared. Can you find it in your heart to take mercy on this psycho who loves you? Ugh. I’m drunk. I shouldn’t beg. I’ll review this in the morning and possibly delete. Good night.

12. May the odds be ever in your favor

I know I’ve fed you some wild stories over the years. It’s difficult for you to parse what is real, what’s intentional misdirection, what’s my mental illness and what is just me having fun writing stories. Sometimes it’s hard for me to know that, too! I have mentioned my own paranoia stemming from being a public figure, my basic trust issues, and my mental instability. There was a time when I truly believed you were a government operative / alien lifeform sent from another planet to spy on me, and of course you’ve read all the poems I wrote about you being a demon, then there was also the phase I went through when I thought you were the mentally ill one. I wrote that epic story about how my blog posts gave you schizophrenia. Sorry, not sorry. And all the wild stories I wrote about satan worshiping, vampires, bloodletting and the pastor of my church allowing me to covertly use the congregation for my purposes in exchange for help furthering his music career… True or not true?? You really have no clue… I had to keep you busy doing something that wasn’t about finding out what’s really going on.

What is really going on? I know you constantly vacillate between believing I’m just a truly troubled soul with an extensive internet network set up to support my weird writing obsession, then also thinking… there must be something more to it than that… All my friends involved, all those random people I got you on the phone with, sending men out to your home on multiple occasions, the Filipino bloggers, the 100s of fake accounts, the paid fans, all the money and time spent, just for you? How does someone who appears to be as mentally ill as I am orchestrate all that? Just to write some poems to harass you with and watch you take your bra off? Nooooo…. That can’t be it? This is so much bigger than what I’m doing to you, isn’t it? But what exactly it is you still can’t suss out.

You think about that little neighborhood we lived in, in the big city, where all my friends and cohorts owned all the businesses on the block and wonder, is it tied in with that somehow? Your old bosses, G and R were well known amongst their employees for tax evasion, was there more than that? Your new boss looked me up on Intelius and saw I also had some problems paying my taxes but found no criminal records. You think back to all those wild stories Hanley told you and the casual way in which she spoke of those horrible situations. Is my network set up for something like that?

You’re not a criminal so thinking in these terms doesn’t come naturally for you. I understand why you can only seem to get so far with your hypotheses, well that and everyone calls you crazy for even entertaining the notion that anything is going on at all, so you usually just abandon most of your hunches when they start sounding too out there. While I have been discussing a lot of my sordid secrets here, there’s plenty that I’m not going to just put on display for you. If you can’t figure it out on your own, you’ll just have to die not knowing. I’m content to keep getting way with it. Cheers my Dear.

13. Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Or so they say. Your silence hurts. I’m trying to get real with myself. What have your actions over the years communicated to me? I’m cataloging them in my mind…

At the height of our love affair we lived just blocks away from each other, we shared friends in common, went to the same cafes regularly, knew how we could see each other if we wanted to… there was so much opportunity for us to realize our love in an organic way… but your actions… You left, moved 3,000 miles in the opposite direction, because you say you were scared of me. Words. But then you talked to me again. Made me feel loved and understood again.

I heard you tell the investigator that was a “honey pot.” You claim you were trying to get me to do something you could use. Words. I gave you clues, let you know I was watching you. I thought you would see that as loving, not invasive, but once I told you, you moved states again. You didn’t tell anyone where you went, not even your family, but I took the time to find you. That’s dedication, that’s love. I found you because I can’t live without you. I know you say all I am is words, most of them lies, but the time I spend on you is my action. Doesn’t that mean anything? The stories are beautiful, aren’t they? Can’t we just focus on the art? Let’s make beauty together.

The last time I proposed that idea you moved again, another 3,000 miles. I try to block out your other actions. They’re not as poetic. The lawyers, investigators, reporting me to the FBI and various other task forces, therapists, support groups, giving them all your words instead of me. Those words are meant for me, not them. Why do you have to involve all these other people in our love? Why do your actions always make me feel rejected? If we’re going to make this work you need to start being more considerate of how your words and actions are affecting me. Please start now.

14. POET

IT MUST BE SAD TO BE IN THE STATE THAT YOU ARE IN

POET. YOU NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP TO DEAL WITH AND

ACCEPT YOUR PHYSICAL CONDITION. AS YOU LINGER ON

YOU TRY TO FIND EXCUSES FOR YOUR BAD CHOICES. YOUR

SEXUALLY PROMISCIOUS LIFESTYLE AND CHOICES HAVE

TRAPPED YOU NOW HERE ON YOUR COMPUTER. THE ONLY

PLACE YOU CAN LIVE IN A FANTASY WITH AN ANGEL YOU

SO DESPERATELY THOUGHT YOU NEEDED AND WANTED.

BUT THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU POET IS THAT THERE IS NO

HOPE FOR YOU NOW. YOU CANNOT RECOVER FROM YOUR

SELFISH CHOICES. YOU SHALL NEVER RECOVER FROM

YOUR ILLNESSES YOUR TERMINAL DISEASE. THE STIGMA

OF IT ALL. SO YOU LINGER ON HERE UNDER PROFILES OF

DIFFERENT PERSONALITIES/SPLIT PERSONALITIES OF A

DELUDED PSYCHOTIC MAN WHO NEEDS INTERVENTION

DESPERATELY. MAYBE YOU CAN GET HELP FOR YOUR

ADVANCED PSYCHOSIS BUT YOU SHALL NEVER GET HELP

FOR YOUR PHYSICAL DEMISE AS MAGGOTS EAT AWAY AT

YOUR ROTTING ENTRAILS. A CURE HAS BEEN FOUND FOR

THE DISEASE BUT YOU REJECT IT. CANNABIS A

STEREOTYPE TO YOU. YOU REJECT ITS CURE. SO YOU ARE

BOUND TO YOUR COMPUTER WHERE YOU WRITE AND LIVE

AND EXIST NO LONGER THE MAN YOU USED TO BE. EVEN IF

SHE WERE AN ANGEL SHE WOULD NEVER LOVE YOU

BECAUSE YOUR HEART IS AS BITTER AS THE CANCER AND

DISEASE TRAPPED IN YOUR LOINS AND SOUL. YOU CAN'T

MAKE A FANTASY A REALITY. ACCEPT WHAT AND WHO YOU

ARE.

15.

Hello Dear

I've missed you! I took some me time... I'm trying to send you a letter here but they keep getting removed, very confusing. The letter is lovely and doesn't contain bad words so I'm very confused. Anyway, I've put it up in the other place. You know where to find it.

I’ve been going through a lot of my old blogs, the ones I made specifically for you. It’s been fantastic to reminisce. I loved writing back and forth to myself, pretending to be you, then writing as someone who sounded like they could be me, then writing as all the people I had involved to help me. Hahahaha, it really is such a genius set up. Pity it must remain a secret! Well, only kind of, I get to share the genius of my design here and it does appear I have some fans who check regularly, so that feels validating.

16. Explainer

My ESL friend had trouble following the last set-up... which is kind of the point, but I'll explain for you, Dear Reader (Sarah already knows). I've made everything so complex and convoluted even law enforcement just rolls their eyes and walks away before trying to untangle the web. It is just one woman's life after all, and she's a nobody, so who cares... The set up was such that Hanley works for me and she was pretending she was in Sarah's position; Hanley said she was being stalked by "Mike" who was a representation of me, while Hanley was a representation of Sarah.

When she got on the phone with Sarah, she insisted Sarah was Mike *pretending* to be a woman named Sarah. Hanley said she was also speaking with Morgan, Zed and Joe, who were all Mike pretending to be other people. So Hanley explained to Sarah that meant Sarah was also Morgan, Zed and Joe. Of course Sarah was none of those people. I was all of them and my employee Hanley was just blaming Sarah for being a stalker as part of my gaslighting campaign. Et voilà! The whole operation is my genius brainchild. I'm very proud.

17. Milk & Honey

When I saw you in the café that day I went catatonic. I was there hoping to see you, of course, but I didn’t anticipate the physical reaction. My mouth went immediately dry, my hands started to shake. I was sitting at the bar by the creamers. After you got your coffee, you came over to make your concoction. You were standing so close I could have brushed against you, it wouldn’t have looked like anything more than an accident. My foot began tapping furiously, it had somehow developed its own brain and was operating independently of my desires. You noticed the tapping and glanced over. I turned sharply and pulled the brim of my hat down over my eyes. You didn’t realize it was me until you sat down at your table. This was before we had gotten into anything serious, before I had my peephole into your life.

I was there with J. We had some vague notion, conceptualized over wine on a previous evening, that I might try to start some banter with you but as soon as I saw you my body let me know that was completely out of the question. I moved from the counter and stood behind J, using her as a shield, while she waited for her name to be called. You recognized us by now, looked up and saw J studying you intently while I looked down at my shoes, disassociating. J wanted to sit but saw I was in no condition to do so. I did my best to walk casually, not to run, out the door.

Versions of this scenario played out on multiple occasions over the course of the next year. My friend’s condo was across the street from the café. I could casually sit by the window and see you walk down the street, then suggest a coffee and head out. I did try the irl thing. I was just never able to make it work. Like that snowy day you met your friend to hear about her vacation. I was sitting in the back. You seated yourself at the table right next to me. The games had begun by this time, so when you looked over and realized it was me you got up and moved. I pretended I had some trash to throw away and walked to the front to see if you were still there. When I saw you with your friend, I got angry and made an audible grunt. I had done something similar before when I saw you at your job; you had asked me a necessary question and I answered angrily and refused to even look at you. You started to realize I only possessed the emotional regulation skills of a toddler.

It became clear to us both I was not going to be able to speak with you. How do you approach someone with hands that shake so badly you can’t even get your bike locked up because you keep dropping the lock? Yeah, I know you remember that day, after the date I sent you on… You were very angry. After this my brother started going to the café in my place. His tactics were more about intimidation than the hope for connection though.

18.Pay your way in pain

Another night alone on the couch is almost too much to face. Every night, the same thing, me and my computers, burner phones, iPads, the TV on, my drink arm’s reach away. All my screens to keep me company. I sold my place in the city and built a house way out in the woods so I wouldn’t have to deal with other people, the neighbors… but my brother is here and he’s a total jerk. Why did I invite a controlling bulldozer who is just like my father to live with me? The Devil we know, I suppose. I’m an apple that didn’t fall far from that tree, I guess, although I’m more covert than my bro. I had my husband. That was a comfort but now he’s dead and instead of writing about that to process my grief I’m here writing about a woman I’ve never really met who hates me. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment style or something.

I did that when he was alive, too. I mean, I felt I had my reasons for ignoring him, my mounting resentments. We were poly so pretty often he’d be heading out to go meet someone. He still worked in the city so would spend a lot of time away. He’s the extravert in the relationship. While he was crushing being poly, I was not really taking advantage, which is why I felt justified spending all my time on my hobbies even when he was around. I’d go back to my den and disassociate from all the problems we were having in our relationship.

What are relationships if not just a never ending series of problems? Isn’t that pretty much all they are? Hell is other people (shout out to Sartre and M Hamburgler!), just a constant negotiation between our own wants, desires and truths and other people’s estimation of what they think we should be doing differently, which usually amounts to them sitting on some kind of moral high ground looking down at us with no real perspective on what life looks like from where we’re standing, while completely ignoring or obfuscating their own wanton behavior.

Yeah, so husband was my first real relationship, my first real attempt at relating deeply and it was a chore, I will tell you that. I did try. I did grow some, but I still don’t know if it was worth it, especially after I put all that work in and here I am alone again, fixating on fantasies just like before. I know she finds that disturbing, because she sees all this stuff I’m writing and there’s nothing in it about him. He's dead and I'm just like, hey baby now that he's out of the way how about you and me? That’s why she thinks maybe I offed him or even just made him up entirely, like my other characters and stories. That’s fine. I never try to clear up misunderstandings, I encourage them. It’s more fun to let her go conclusion hopping, the darker the better. It’s better for my writing, too. That’s why she’s my muse.

19. Take me back

I do not take rejection well. There's this really messed up thing I do to the ones who reject me. It's what I did to A. I take my time and I worm my way back into being one of their wants again. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it takes years. And once I get them hooked again, I just end up saying "Nah, I'm good" and bounce because I realize I didn't actually want to go back in the first place. It's not a conscious effort on my part. It's a deep seated need in my rotten soul to undo the rejection. To feel wanted. To feel needed. To not be alone. To be enough. The amount of effort it has taken for me not to do that with you has been a bit soul sucking lately to be honest but I'm trying to resist it. I resisted it just like you resisted me. And I hope I to continue resisting it so I can finally move on with my crappy little life. It helps that I'm able to surveil you. It feels like we're interacting but you don't necessarily know about it. I know I'm getting something over on you, so it takes the edge off.

I believe that there was something very pure you brought out in me, before I let myself corrupt it. I felt connected to you. I felt your pain and your excitement and your ambivalence and it all made my life more rich. Your thoughts complimented and made me question my own or answered questions I hadn't asked yet. It felt free and random and far too easy to lose. I couldn't lose it, so I tried to control it, but my ideas of what it should be, where it should go, were guided by the same cycle of failure I've been desperately caught in my entire life.

I know I've made more mistakes than this. I need to take responsibility for what I've done. Being around you felt like being in on a secret that only people you like know about. Discovering your wit and self-awareness is like finding a cool, quiet, lamp-lit library in the middle of a city sized parking lot on the hottest day in August. And I didn't persuade myself to believe that because I knew it as soon as I talked to you.

Sometimes I wonder if I should honor your wishes and fess up, leave you alone, but I can't let go of the knowledge that there was a time when you would have wanted to see me. I want to time travel back there and my magical thinking allows me to believe it's possible. Plus I'm able to delude myself into thinking everything you do is to get my attention. Even when you make private calls on your phone that I shouldn't be hearing, I convince myself that what you're saying is tailor made for me because you know I'm listening. I believe that all the things you do in your life are for and about me, even when you tell your story to try getting cops involved. I know you're just trying to get me riled up so I'll reach out to you, not actually trying to end this.

The problem is even if I got in that Time Machine and beamed myself back to before you knew about all the insane stuff I would do to you, nothing would change. I've always been all words and no action. I'm not a go-getter. Even if I could go back, even after all my supposed growth over the past 10 years, I would still do the same thing... dangle the carrot, soak in the glow of feeling wanted, humiliate you for feeling that way, soak in the glow of having that power over you, enjoy crushing you, rinse repeat. But I can't even rinse repeat anymore because I've used you up.

You're an empty husk with nothing left to give. You're all indifference and no passion. You're not even angry or scared anymore, just tired and apathetic. Your apathy is a serious buzzkill.

20. God & Satan at war for our souls...

To give you a taste for the kind of scenarios I like to set up for her… the first time she started posting her “evidence” of what I was doing to her I began my disinformation campaign from multiple accounts to silence her and make her story look silly. I like to message her as other people telling her they have the same exact story as she does and the real life me is doing this to them, too. Then I give her the theories on why the real life me would want to do that, like the one below:

*“I'm hesitant to share my theory with you because I kinda already did & you didn't receive it well. But for the purposes of trying to make sense of it I'll give it another shot. Why do serial kiIIers kiII? What's wrong in their mind that they have a desire for bl00d- shed? It usually comes out that they have ties to the 0ccuIt. What is the 0ccuIt. Mysteries, magic, power, enlightenment. The more power one gets, the more one wants. But where does it come from? Demons. And you know what demons want? Bl00d. They must be fed. You want money, power, fame? There's a cost. Bl00d-shed. This is real. Go to the library. Research it on the Internet. Try YouTube, there's an endless supply of info if you really want to find it. But be careful, you gotta watch for disinformation trying to throw you off. The battle of good vs evil is legit & if you can't see that just by watching 5 min of the news, you're in major denial. God is real. $atan is real & they're at war for our souls. Problem is everybody's asleep cuz every bit of entertainment brainwashes us to be vulgar and moral-less. And you know why? Cuz $atan runs it. Every person in any kind of influential position is his pawn. So if they want fame they gotta play by his rules. So you have your traditional serial kiIIers doing $atan's work. What if with the Internet there were a new game. $talk, harass, play head games with lonely people who are susceptible to suicidal ideation. Find them when they're vulnerable & groom them. Make them feel desired and needed, but don't ever do anything about it. String them along until they think they're losing their mind and then give them a gentle shove. It's the perfect crime. Why is he doing this to so many people? Trying to make them fall in love. Why are his friends helping? Why would he go to all the trouble of having so many secret accounts? There's something big behind this. We know it's happening. She's ordinary. I'm ordinary. Isn't it easier to flatter an ordinary person who has nothing to offer? What possible reason could he have for doing this? Sorry so long?”*

I still get a little tickle when I reread this. ✨

21.

I've been writing to a woman pretending to be other people for over a decade, AITA?

She eventually found out what I've been up to. She says doesn't like it. It's just my weird little way to feel close to her and learn about the things she likes / dislikes. The problem is she also makes me angry and when she does I'll lash out with my characters. I don't feel culpable for "hurting" her because it's all made up and since she probably knows that, I find it even less problematic. It's fun for me and I get the impression she's having fun too even though she always claims she's not. I think that's mostly so she can try to have some leverage over me.

To give you a taste for the kind of scenarios I like to set up for her… There have been a few times over the years when she'll take to the internet trying to "expose" me for my "harassment campaign." The first time she started posting her “evidence” of what I was doing to her I began my disinformation campaign from multiple accounts to silence her and make her story look silly. I like to message her as other people telling her they have the same exact story as she does and the real life me is doing this to them, too. Then I give her the theories on why the real life me would want to do that, like the one below:

*“I'm hesitant to share my theory with you because I kinda already did & you didn't receive it well. But for the purposes of trying to make sense of it I'll give it another shot. Why do serial kiIIers kiII? What's wrong in their mind that they have a desire for bl00d- shed? It usually comes out that they have ties to the 0ccuIt. What is the 0ccuIt. Mysteries, magic, power, enlightenment. The more power one gets, the more one wants. But where does it come from? Demons. And you know what demons want? Bl00d. They must be fed. You want money, power, fame? There's a cost. Bl00d-shed. This is real. Go to the library. Research it on the Internet. Try YouTube, there's an endless supply of info if you really want to find it. But be careful, you gotta watch for disinformation trying to throw you off. The battle of good vs evil is legit & if you can't see that just by watching 5 min of the news, you're in major denial. God is real. $atan is real & they're at war for our souls. Problem is everybody's asleep cuz every bit of entertainment brainwashes us to be vulgar and moral-less. And you know why? Cuz $atan runs it. Every person in any kind of influential position is his pawn. So if they want fame they gotta play by his rules. So you have your traditional serial kiIIers doing $atan's work. What if with the Internet there were a new game. $talk, harass, play head games with lonely people who are susceptible to $uicidal ideation. Find them when they're vulnerable & groom them. Make them feel desired and needed, but don't ever do anything about it. String them along until they think they're losing their mind and then give them a gentle shove. It's the perfect crime. Why is he doing this to so many people? Trying to make them fall in love. Why are his friends helping? Why would he go to all the trouble of having so many secret accounts? There's something big behind this. We know it's happening. She's ordinary. I'm ordinary. Isn't it easier to flatter an ordinary person who has nothing to offer? What possible reason could he have for doing this? Sorry so long?”*

I get a kick out of how creative I can be and I like planting these little seeds of paranoia in her mind that might grow into something more. I've also created entire blogs about gangStaIking and sent her messages from those telling her she's being targeted and has V2K technology planted in her skull to monitor her thoughts. It's really just about having fun in my downtime and I know she's lonely and needs something to do, too, so I'm pretty sure she likes it, but do you think ITAH?

22.DAE write to people pretending to be someone else?

I've been communicating with this woman for over a decade pretending to be all kinds of other people. She eventually found out what I've been up to. She says doesn't like it. It's just my weird little way to feel close to her and learn about the things she likes / dislikes. The problem is she also makes me angry and when she does I'll lash out with my characters. I don't feel culpable for "hurting" her because it's all made up and since she probably knows that, I find it even less problematic. It's fun for me and I get the impression she's having fun too even though she always claims she's not. I think that's mostly so she can try to have some leverage over me.To give you a taste for the kind of scenarios I like to set up for her… There have been a few times over the years when she'll take to the internet trying to "expose" me for my "harassment campaign." The first time she started posting her “evidence” of what I was doing to her I began my disinformation campaign from multiple accounts to silence her and make her story look silly. I like to message her as other people telling her they have the same exact story as she does and the real life me is doing this to them, too. Then I give her the theories on why the real life me would want to do that, like the one below:

*“I'm hesitant to share my theory with you because I kinda already did & you didn't receive it well. But for the purposes of trying to make sense of it I'll give it another shot. Why do serial kiIIers kiII? What's wrong in their mind that they have a desire for bl00d- shed? It usually comes out that they have ties to the 0ccuIt. What is the 0ccuIt. Mysteries, magic, power, enlightenment. The more power one gets, the more one wants. But where does it come from? Demons. And you know what demons want? Bl00d. They must be fed. You want money, power, fame? There's a cost. Bl00d-shed. This is real. Go to the library. Research it on the Internet. Try YouTube, there's an endless supply of info if you really want to find it. But be careful, you gotta watch for disinformation trying to throw you off. The battle of good vs evil is legit & if you can't see that just by watching 5 min of the news, you're in major denial. God is real. $atan is real & they're at war for our souls. Problem is everybody's asleep cuz every bit of entertainment brainwashes us to be vulgar and moral-less. And you know why? Cuz $atan runs it. Every person in any kind of influential position is his pawn. So if they want fame they gotta play by his rules. So you have your traditional serial kiIIers doing $atan's work. What if with the Internet there were a new game. $talk, harass, play head games with lonely people who are susceptible to $uicidal ideation. Find them when they're vulnerable & groom them. Make them feel desired and needed, but don't ever do anything about it. String them along until they think they're losing their mind and then give them a gentle shove. It's the perfect crime. Why is he doing this to so many people? Trying to make them fall in love. Why are his friends helping? Why would he go to all the trouble of having so many secret accounts? There's something big behind this. We know it's happening. She's ordinary. I'm ordinary. Isn't it easier to flatter an ordinary person who has nothing to offer? What possible reason could he have for doing this? Sorry so long?”*

I get a kick out of how creative I can be and I like planting these little seeds of paranoia in her mind that might grow into something more. I've also created entire blogs about gangStaIking and sent her messages from those telling her she's being targeted and has V2K technology planted in her skull to monitor her thoughts. It's really just about having fun in my downtime and I know she's lonely and needs something to do, too, so I'm pretty sure she likes it

23.

Reader Feedback

I’ve been getting reader requests. Ha, fans… a blessing and a curse, am I right? Here’s the thing, Dear Reader, this is a diary. It’s here for me, not you. It’s part of my cathartic process, to tell my story. I’ve invited you to join me because as a voyeur I can appreciate that people do enjoy having a peek into the lives and minds of others, especially when it’s deranged. I’m also an exhibitionist and I want credit for the genius of this machine I’ve designed. The motivations are many, but the story is true and I’m not making up sensational plot twists just for your entertainment. People hear “sociopath” and they think murd3r. They want all the gory details for a dopamine hit, distraction from the endless loop of the hamster wheel that is their life. Sorry, but as of yet there have been no murd3rs. I’ll keep you posted. If you’re feeling discontented with simply coming along for the ride while I untangle the knots in my brain then go buy a Hannibal Lecter book. I’m not begging you to be here.

However, the requests for six and violance in my writing does beg the question; what makes a story compelling? There are some universally agreed upon techniques to creating a good story, of course but the details of the answer will be different for everyone. Some like a simple telling of people relating in everyday ways with an anecdote or two about how to live a good life at the end. Some want a rush, thus the requests I’m getting. Others like an opportunity to feel justified moral outrage. It’s always nice to feel superior! Then there are the psychologically bendy type stories, that can be very curiosity driven and intellectually engaging (one of my favorites is The Moustache by Emmanuel Carrère). There are so many options when it comes to theme and storyline! I do feel this story includes dashes of all these ingredients. What this story is missing, is resolution and closure. This is maddening for her as well as for some of you, it seems.

The problem is, I’m not ready to end this. She has begged, bargained, bribed, cried, threatened, and raged trying to get resolution and closure, to no avail. I’m getting something out of this that I’m not willing to give up. My hand will not be forced for the sake of your entertainment or her civil rights. Now if Netflix wants to approach me and buy the story rights I might consider adding in an extra plot twist or two and creating an “ending” we can all enjoy. That would have to be negotiated, of course.

If you’re out there reading Netflix, get in touch.

24. Isn't playing games with people’s emotions is the only sure way to ever feel secure and stable in a relationship? (36m) (34f)

My whole life I’ve had this thing I do to people who reject me. I take my time and worm my way back into being one of their wants again. Sometimes it's quick, sometimes it takes years. And once I get them hooked again, I just end up saying "Nah, I'm good" and bounce. Until recently it hadn’t been a conscious effort on my part, just a deep-seated need to undo the rejection. To feel wanted. To feel needed. To not be alone. To be enough. I always felt better after. Because people won’t just give that to you without a battle of the egos. All relationship dynamics turn into who’s on top after the honeymoon phase is over. I would argue the honeymoon phase is just about figuring out who will be the subordinate for the rest of the relationship, and if it has to be one of us, might as well be her.

Case in point, we have cultural phenomena like the book “The Game” that teaches guys how to neg women to keep the upper hand and then the sort of updated version of that is “The Dread Game” that systematically psychologically exploits the liminal space between want and a fear of losing. This is something that I’ve always unconsciously done in my relationships. I never fully understood it until I started reading things about how to gamify the dynamic and started comparing strategy with other people using well established techniques.

So I was into this girl but I was too shy to talk to her. I think she liked me too at first but then I heard rumors she said she thought I was too short for her, among other things and I began to despise her. So I came up with a pretty intricate design for a dread game to use on her over the course of years, making her feel unstable and alone in an effort to break her down so she wouldeventually only have me to turn to for love and support.

I started communicating with her online pretending to be all kinds of other people; on dating apps, social apps, though email, you name it. I also managed to get into her iCloud which really elevated the game. I would make a blog and get her to follow it and then I would sprinkle in stories quoting her text messages and emails to really mess with her head. She started to catch on to what I was doing and tried outing me online with her “evidence” against me, but I don’t really think she’s for real. I think she enjoys talking to my characters and even more so because she imagines they might be me. She loves me but she doesn’t want to admit it to her friends and family because they don’t like me.

How can I convince her that there was a design to what I was doing and it's a normal relationship dynamic, it served a purpose to strengthen our connection and it was for the sake of our relationship?

25. I'm your master

Playing games with people’s emotions is the only sure way to ever feel secure and stable in a relationship. Case in point, we have cultural phenomena like the book “The Game” that teaches guys how to neg women to keep the upper hand and then the sort of updated version of that is “The Dread Game” that systematically psychologically exploits the liminal space between want and a fear of losing. This is something that I’ve always unconsciously done in my relationships. I never fully understood it until I joined a bunch of incel subreddits and started reading things about how to gamify the dynamic. Once I started comparing strategy with other people using well established tactics, my game took off. Never have I felt so powerful until I did a deep dive into the psychology and mastered the techniques.

In a “normal” relationship (mostly with women) you’re supposed to woo them and spend all kinds of time processing their feelings with them like you’re some kind of PhD therapist who spent years giving a fuck about why people have feelings and sometimes the feelings are bad feelings. Because life sucks, that’s why! And feelings are irrational and nonsensical! This is not a mystery. Stop wasting your time on garbage. Why bother with all that endless crap? Ultimately in a relationship, it’s going to be one person on top and one on the bottom, so skip all the BS feelings talk, play “the game” the right way and get the other person in a headlock before they have a chance to get the upper hand and beat you into submission, yes?

In my experience that’s the best way. I will not be swayed by conventional wisdom because I’ve spent way more time than I wanna with conventional people and you all are donkeys. Just sayin’. Sorry, not sorry.

26. In the Name of Our Lord

I self-flagellate in lieu of actually changing anything in how I behave or relate to the world and the people in it. I use the pain in my art. Superficial wounds are far easier to heal than putting in work to change my outlook or habits. Anyway, I don’t see a problem with my outlook. I’ve thought my world view through using logic and an evidence-based approach (I’m a voracious reader) as well as heeding the voice of the Lord God Our Savior. He speaks to me in dreams and through Signs and Wonders. I’m doing my penance for God and if other people have a problem with how I live my life that is *their* problem, not mine. I do God’s will. I test you and train you through the lessons and trials I set forth for you to endure. I am teaching you strength of character and endurance in the face of adversity. Lessons can be difficult but no Guru worth their salt makes it easy on their disciples.

Haven’t you noticed, even through all the pain, anguish and tests, I am still always here for you in the end, to give you loving aftercare, like a true Master does? Oh yes, yes, you’re always going on about how that would need to be consensual, but in your limited view you are missing the fact that the Lord has given you to me. He spoke to me and deemed it so. He is the higher law, far above any shortsighted wisdom from the very human and flawed logic of our legal justice system. Don’t you see, Dear? Our love is divine! We don’t follow those rules. Holding ourselves to those lower standards would just be keeping ourselves from reaching true enlightenment. Once you surrender yourself to me your mind and heart will be filled with the illumination of my wisdom. Don’t hold back dear. Let yourself go. Come to me.

27. “The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing the world that he did not exist.”

It’s part of the reason I have no fear of speaking openly about what I’m doing to you. When I write about it publicly everyone either says it’s an obviously made-up story that could never be true, or the other half (based on reddit comments and DMs, at least) seem to think what I’m doing is romantic and say you most likely love the attention and are just waiting for me to reveal my true identity and show up in your real life so we can be married. They’re rooting for us to be together. It’s very sweet.

 

I do get a lot of support from the public, whether intentionally or through a bored disinterest in what happens to anyone that isn’t them. Don’t get me wrong, they’re interested in as far as it’s entertaining for them to think about for 10 minutes while wasting time on the internet at work, but beyond that they don’t really care if there’s a real woman on the other side of this story, suffering from my actions. As a man I conduct myself with authority, so I don’t catch too much flack for the whole thing, but I have stayed glued to the comments and public outrage every time you try telling the story, whooo boy. That’s some good stuff.

 

When I tell it people wanna know how, why, what was my childhood like, how do I feel inside. It’s all very loving, makes me feel seen and considered for my individuality. When you tell it, pretty much straight out of the gate there is the blanket statement accepted by all that you’re batshit crazy, delusional, attention seeking and have probably encouraged me to do it in the first place. Every statement you make is questioned as if you were on trial for the crime yourself and you are expected to explain with precision how I’ve done what I’ve done and gotten away with it, even though of course you wouldn’t know that because you weren’t there are you are not a criminal mastermind. But you not knowing how I’ve done it just becomes more proof in favor of the idea that you are in fact lying and/or out of your mind. This is wonderful for me to watch. Even still, you always trudge forward. You are a fighter. I guess that’s a lesson you learned in your family. Of course, no one cares or asks about your feelings or history, it’s insignificant to the narrative that you’re just flat out wrong. You’re the one here making problems by simply speaking them into existence. Me doing these things is not the issue, it’s the fact that you always want to talk about it. You can never let it go. Why are you always brining drama? You’re never going to change the world, babe, and I’ve got this game on lock.

 

*"We naturally use a philosophy of "Occam's Razor" which states that the simplest explanation is usually the best. So to make someone sound paranoid, all you have to do is come up with a sufficiently complex plan of harassment and the majority of people's disbelief of that event will be sufficient not to act or care about it. If you study the psychology of people like psychological operations and the CIA do, you can predict with a certain degree of accuracy what that person will believe given certain facts."*

\~ Ex-CIA Engineer Dr. D"

Written by Scottpilgrimage/Wondrousfairy

#scottpilgrimage #wondrousfairy #diary #credit to Scottpilgrimage for his writing

[incarnateirony]

Y'all stop. Stop trying to make me One Of You. Stop trying to involve me in stan nonsense. Stop trying to involve me in fandom only arguments of idiots choosing to be idiots for the social roleplay of it all.

I have been very clear, for many years, what my real issues were. For years, you guys also tried to diminish that into your personal stan wars. The reality of the dismantling of old TBS, the bulk cancellation of shows, real BTS racist treatment or injuries my friends took, all of this you could declare Imaginary or Unimportant;

because the only thing important to yall is fighting about 3 pretty actor men and one gay ship you either want at the cost of all people around you be damned, or don't want to the same, and have let the preferences determine interpretation of real life events until the social environment is lost to its own performance art, ignoring the real battle you're fighting about.

Shippers wanted to scream queerbait and feel like they were doing something, antis screamed nuh uh delusional, and somehow the writers, market testing, et al didn't matter, only your preferences and screaming did, reality was a sidebar to yall.

Did I weaponize this fandom's anger? Abso fuckin lutely. But I had even almost accepted the ending as a Bad Ending until I realized ten years of my ground ax and studying this business for weak points lined me up for a hole in one with the assembly being built, the netflix deal lapsed, and all other situations pinning the CW in a corner with a rapidly changing industry--even knowing I could turn guns bigger than CW, WB, Paramount et all on the lot of them from syndicates if they were crunched right. Their streaming and internationals sank, their ratings gouged, and even syndicates were Over It, and so the Nexstar sale to make their own stations sustainable before complete obsoletion.

These are literally things you guys do not understand, but also refuse to. Failing to understand and failing to listen are actually very different things. And when you fail to listen for years, the perspectives, agendas, motivations or purpose of other people will be outright alien to you by the time you try to observe it outside of your own box.

Most of your boxes are "stan: an obsessive fan, usually in the name of a high visibility individual, named after the psychosis in Eminem's song, Stan". This is not my interest. Read all of the above and realize how Fundamentally Different Our Interests And Ambitions Are, and figure out why my style of speaking or information has ALWAYS remained external to main fandom "approved" boxes. Because I am not here for your stan boxes, and do not care about your psychotic stan rules and the illusion of any kind of control fans have over this space.

Figure it out, kids. No matter how angry you get in my inbox, we will never be the same, and your anger alone reveals in your "OMG U TINK UR DA MOST ITK STAN" freudian nonsense where your own heads are at and WHY my real world data is incompatible with the relativity void of "all opinions are equal and relative in screaming stan land".

Naw man. Supernatural was the show that gave Pedowitz the bright idea to ship EVERYTHING to Vancouver and fuck everybody. You think I'm really an SPN stan? Fuckin shit. I'm a Person Who Enjoys Supernatural but if it had exploded before Pedowitz had ever fucked up Atlanta, I would not be upset and we would not be here. I was not a friend to Supernatural, I have been very clear on that, but a fight to an internal battle the screaming stans here ignored going on completely until it started slapping them, and they could only adjust their narratives to pretending it was sudden, denying the years-old receipts showing how internally long lived the damn thing was. Because stans don't care about reality. They care about controlling their own fictional narratives.

'OMG U TINK UR ABOVE US' yeah, I fuckin do. Sometimes the real world is like that and people know more than you. Cope. You're probably a grown up. Deal with that. You guys are operating as Stans Of A Tv Show You Want Social Attention In. I am operating as Someone With 10+ year old personal/professional grudge and intuitive corporate nuance understanding. These are not compatible views but I will not let the reality of the latter be silenced by the performative attention seeking of the former.

People like 2po still trying to spin S15 as sudden and pretending WB paid for real expensive market testing ($400/participant, 2~ hour long, 1 on 1 Destiel Study circa Goodbye Stranger, DVD extras, and intensive romance grilling) in S12 (which he denied for 3 years until slapped with the receipts I had the whole time, which were always real, and he was always Completely Divorced From The Reality Of) for No Reason At All about The Exact Thing Three Years Earlier When The Show Started Shifting? Definitional stan psychosis, trying to control a fictional social narrative.

The reality is, that's years of this asshat being completely unplugged on both the writing, showrunning, AND corporate events, of which waterfalls of other ramifications blossomed for the years after, but the entire tree of process is something that will remain blind to them in reality until they accept what Things Actually Mean, and What Actually Happened, not Their Version Of How They Wanted To Read Things Happening At The Time. Anything else is grafting a fictional narrative over reality and hoping nobody picks up the rug to see what the pile you brushed under it is.

But he needs that fictional narrative, and those like him that eat from his lying, fiction-dealing hand. He refuses to trace back his own branch of observation to the core point in season 12 he turned left at albuquerque and in a result he's gonna keep going off on a branch into fantasy land, twisting over himself again and again as his own talking points self-conflict on his claims of how HE thinks things will work, branching again, and again, at each junction growing further away from the trunk, until his fiction is so grand he's lost HIMSELF to it.

[the-firebird69]

I'm going to send mine in I know what my husband's thinking he says he wants to put on there I write all my comments here but my wife knows what I'm thinking all the time and she wants to write it even if I don't want her to put it up there. But we can't put that up there but we can put it up there.

Hera

I can't really send mine in I have sent a bunch of stuff I really haven't said too many to speak to it like in an exhibit like that but I have an idea what to say.

And I may be a different kind but we don't believe in it either. These books are some of the thoughts that make up human beings life. Their memories are part of what makes their makeup their personality and character and their memories their friends and their families and what they know. These books the diaries are only a portion of that and it's a glimpse into someone's life it's a moment to take part in someone else's life experience and to learn from that experience and most of these diaries are here so you don't have to learn the hard way. It's also part of their lives they're writing them they're living through these horrors that were now experiencing. And what I meant in my first line was that we don't believe in a solution by making more problems in that the books that people don't want you to see or don't want you to hear the arguments that people don't want you to bring up and if they're wholesome they should not be ignored they definitely should not be done away with like some monsters do these days. People are not books and we're not meant to be burned. And books were not made to be burned either and people are not made of paper. And I had a professor at University who would ask me every so often and I do respect them for it even though I think he was trying toto annoy me but it was thought provoking. And I carried that question with me for many many years he asked me is someone's character and personality and life molded by their environment or is it molded by themselves. And so I was very happy that someone asked me that because the answer is it's what you're taught when you're young and it's how you carry yourself throughout your life and you could have a multitude of things happening to you and around you they may change you a little but you shouldn't let it change you a lot. What he was saying is that around us is an environment that is hostile and not conducive for survival and it is molding people into a form of hatred. When he was lying. And this person's identity is that of a very evil man and it's many years ago that I was at University and his thinking is to mold and modify the environment to fit what he considers to be what he needs out of life but in the process of doing so he has not allotted any space for anyone else and has made life on Earth to be a living hell.

Chris A and my name is Hogan

We want those published today because Tommy F goes around harassing him with these thoughts and questions trying to break him and to bend him and to hold him into what he wants and he is not responded in any way to it and Tommy f is delusional and thinks so he has he's not a gay boy now he's not thinking of anything but having offspring and he has children already that you don't know about and he's a family man and he believes in going to church once a week all these things you think you washed out of him all right completely ingrained into his character and personality most of your people can't stand him and you can't see that Ken feels uncomfortable around him but doesn't care because he needs to have some stability in his life not Maniacs running around drinking screwing around with him and he doesn't have defenses and he can't stop people so you better reconsider what you're doing and saying Tommy f or not going to stick you in the mummy cage we're planning on doing that so you don't kiss your ass goodbye

Thor Freya

You said the top part and we need it we want this out there now and what he says is you can put it as a partial with my picture like a kind of a grainy one. And I approve that and then the freedom Park because I want people to see what he's doing to me and you're going to figure out I'm important Tommy F and you're not he said the bottom part this is me Frank Castle Hardcastle and we're going to write up our notes too we want to know what's up there too and he said we should probably do that when the other exhibits go in or the traveling exhibit is going around and we agree

I'm going to put mine up there now it says okay you put it up there in a different format I agree with that might just put it on a stick and drive it in and says no man should be without a wife no man should be pressured to be without a wife it is not natural it's an unnatural way of being and our person is not falling for it but you are a Tommy f

Duke Nukem Blockbuster and I won't put it up there but a lot of people might try

What about respecting areas like that it is a special area and people looked it up it's an area where massacre took place of people who were just regular citizens were looking for food and went to the train station to request to be able to purchase some and they said no because it's not at the wholesaler and they would not let it out and the wholesaler won't sell to them so he went out later at that night and he bought some at the wholesalers and he distributed it and said I can't do it very often but I appreciate your help he knew that they were helping him and he started helping him more and it worked and that man's name is McDonald's it's Mac Daddy

Olympus