#“im anxious” ok. do it scared.

[skunkes]

blood test tomorrow and i dont think theyll let someone in with me so nobody's going to hold me down, making me feel Calm and also preventing me from escaping. smile.

#talkys #IM SCAREEDDDD #ive gotten a bit used to needles after all the covid shots but idk. #the Blood Draw Location is an entirely different beast #ykwim. vaccine injections are ok bc its the shoulder its so Secure #middle of arm feels so flimsy and frail. scared #qnd its not even ever all that bad (at least vaccines bc ive only gotten blood drawn once) #but i get sooooo anxious and then the waiting and the pulling out feels so horrendous too. #like the last covid vaccine i got wasnt bad at all! but i feel it lingered too long and i wanted to jump out of my skin. #rambling now but i annoy medical professionals bc for some reason whenever Anything happens to me #(not just injections bc its happened at the ENT too) my legs always want to fly straight up into the air #(or just Straight if im sitting) #its the equivalent of tensing another part of the body to stay calm for me idk why....weird security... #but i always get yelled at LOL like sorry i dont even do it consciously....im Scared....

[sodrippy]

getting tasked w something cool and technically interesting but not knowing what the fuck to do but not wanting to ask bc what if they say "oh sorry didnt realize youre a fucking moron baby" and take it away from me 😭

#no my supes and lead are all really nice and i even feel comfortable reaching out #<- huge for a socially and generally anxious person ok #but yknow. im just scared theyll give it to someone who knows wtf theyre doing instead and ill be left dead on the pavement

[soupforstars]

I find it genuinely hilarious how many signs there were pointing to us being a system from ages ago... As the host whos been here the longest I'm surprised I didn't look into it sooner, like I SERIOUSLY wondered on MORE THAN TWO SEPERATE OCCASIONS as a teen whether I had DID, but brushed it off both times because I thought "oh I'm not traumatised enough" and "you have to experience blackouts and time jumps and I haven't so I can't" (spoiler alert, I definitely was incredibly traumatised and I definitley have had blackouts before but even then I didn't know that those weren't fully necessary for a diagnosis).

And this is without getting into "my" love of any media that involved characters with alter egos, "multiple personalities", etc. Like I LOVED the Jekyll and Hyde musical when I found it, my favourite Total Drama character was Mike (the one with DID but like. when people still knew it as MPD. also he wasnt the best rep lol), I loved the Markiplier and Jacksepticeye egos, for a short time I was into Sander Sides, I had full on "characters" that were "aspects of my personality" but also next to them was just. My actual sona? Completely seperate from them, which actually represented me?

I just really thought I liked media with alternate egos/personalities but methinks the call was coming from inside the house sdjshsnsjsbdjdb

#talking tag #🌒 tag #any other systems have that kind of experience?? #mostly adressing traumagenic systems soz endos i just have no idea how you all work /lh #i only realised it this year thanks to anti's help and even then we were bamboozled lmfao #uhhh idk how to tag this and im scared to tag too much svdbsbsb #did system #osdd system #dissociative identity disorder #otherwise specified dissociative disorder #i hesitate to use the tags 'actually did' cus even tho we're medically reconised we're still technically not diagnosed and- #-i really do feel that sweet sweet (/s) imposter syndrome + host denial kicking in #brain is silly ;w; #wishing i could be like anti and just not have anxiety #its crazy. i can feel how much less anxious he is when hes fronting and how easy it is for him to brush off anxious thoughts like #if he wasnt constantly in a state of mild sensory overload all the time i think he'd be too powerful /hj #i feel bad for him tho :c he loves fronting but its sensory hell for him #not to mention he has really bad heat tolerance which is ok for now while its winter in aus but we dont have an aircon so- #-when it becomes summer hes praying we get out of emergency housing by then so he doesnt have to suffer all day in the heat #sjdbsjbdbd adhd train of thought go off i guess

[lightfulonion]

thank you @skijjiki for tagging me!!!! i love these types of tagging games so much!!

last song: Tokyo Calling by ATARASHII GAKKO! (pls watch the music video. its so good 😭) im kind of, sort of, obsessed with this and i have been listening to it non-stop like my life depends on it. anyway

fav color: hmm im really feeling brown right now (wow! that sounds awful! im not changing my answer tho. brown rules.)

currently reading: im able to read only fanfics at the moment because anything that involves a book and new characters feels like too much work for me for some reason and also like im cheating at my classes in university. both of these suck big butt and i hate being like this but it's true. anyway please read a million times along the way by starsqwub. its a bokuaka fic, it hasnt updated since 2022 and it made me cry every chapter. its about love, its about friends, its about being a weird person in a normal world and, more importantly, its about bokuto and akaashi. oh! also manga like chainsaw man and toilet bound hanako-kun!! and some webcomics as well too.

currently watching: the wall mostly but also dungeon meshi! and ive been trying to be up-to-date with the one piece anime!!

spicy/savory/sweet: sweet <3

relationship status: i was reading a bokuaka fic and i was crying. take a wild guess.

current obsessions: listening to Tokyo Calling and ATARASHII GAKKO! apparently and im starting to feel like reading the ending of Haikyuu!! which is probably a bad thing?? (im scared. i really dont want it to end :'((( )

tagging: @livingonyoghurtandspite, @horson, @clementinethekitten, @pierogish, @alcieside, @mars-matrix, @peachybeesplease, @mangatxt.

#get tagged #guys. we get (got?) the movie this year. really scared to ask whats next. #i had goofy funny things to share but i forgot them while writing this im sorry u_u #i went home to my mom for a few days and i had 'the end of the beginning' by djo stuck in my head the whole time #and i visited my friends from high school and im kinda sad about the years passing. a quiet kind of sad but sad nonetheless. #like 'my childhood room is too small for me now' kind of sad and nostalgic #i have many things in my brain that are rolling around like pointy rocks and i need to get them out somehow without hurting myself #anyway #pretend i said something really funny and truly profound here instead of. whatever that is. #also i have listened to ATARASHII GAKKO!'s whole discography and its really really good #and i STILL havent been able to read bnha!! :(( #i havent been able to be up-to-date with chainsaw man or toilet bound hanako kun and i also NEED to read dungeon meshi AND haikyuu and- #i really love dungeon meshi so far. its so good and i got so excited on the last episode when they put falin's bones in order. that was #so cool. and the bath scene............ yeah. #if you dont want to do this guys is okay btw. im always saying this but i do need you to know because i feel anxious when i dont do them bu #also when i dont tag people. i dont want you to feel like that. #onion talks #ok thats all! bye bye!! hope you have a nice day!!!!! #Youtube

[our-inspire-verse]

"God im fucking stupid." I mutter to myself, for experiencing an emotion.

"Wait. No." I realize. I am being the unrhealed thing i need to train my synapses. "I am just. Vragile" -> silly way of saying i am being more conscious and gentle about my recovery

#it is. okay. #im anxious and kindaaaa struggling today. you know. no weed. but like. im good! im doing good #and i should be proud of myself and im embarrassed about NOTHING but i am! thats ok #do it scared #i feel ridiculous #i just have sTRONG emotions and then i overthink sooooo fast #system babbles #vent #positive #healing #actually traumatized #ptsd #trigger #what are tags #self love

[wiinterbunny]

💒🧸🎀🐇

#i've been so so scared and anxious and worried for the future for a while now #everything's changing #my mom is talking about moving (without me lol rip) #i have to become independent now #i fucking hate myself bc im almost 25!!!! and im still a pathetic loser who is dependent on her mom #but ofc i cant be #even if i've thought a lot abt myself and my personality disorders and i think this is just who i am #i need and want to be dependent on someone. to be taken care of and someone to make choices for me #but my mom just dont want to do that which i ofc get sksksk #and idk i dont have a dream. i cant imagine myself capable of any job #but i have two ideas of occupations i might be ok at #buuuuut i have no fkn idea how u get an apartment??? how do u get money? how do u do this and that #i know NOTHING abt being an adult or independent and im so fucking scared #dying seems so much easier and more tempting #i cant do.. cant do it to my mom #also it's sad bc recently a dream has formed in my mind #it's including another person tho. and i dont have any control over that. i cant force someone to choose or want me #so that dream is the least realistic of everything. even if this person really is my dream.... bit i cant count on it #and i have to build a live for myself. even if its not the life i really want #im scared im too dumb and childish and worthless to do so tho

[pepprs]

i think i have food poisoning like.. slightly. it’s my fault and i just hope it doesn’t get worse ♥️

#purrs #the fridge at work was left open all weekend and i have vegan cream cheese in there that’s just like.. vegan cultures (idk what kind).. #coconut cream.. sea salt. that’s it. and it looked and smelled and tasted pretty much fine so i had a little bit but then i got scared and #threw it away… and now i am feeling ermmmmvery bad. it wasn’t that much so hopefully i’ll be ok and it won’t be bad but im nervous lol. i #shouldn’t have taken a chance on it it was literally sitting at room temperature for 48+ hours but i thought maybe if it’s all plant based #i’ll be fine… uhm i do not feel fine. but also it could just be me being anxious and reading too much into it plus i was already anxious thi #morning before i ate so. lol. it’s probably fine. i hope 🥲🫣 but that was stupid. like why did i do that. #oh also cashew milk is in it

[silenthillbunni]

.

#ok im not gonna let myself complain abt it too much. even if complaining is very cathartic to me. like its just part of the process #anyway im gonna try to not do that.... #but yeah i hate being ill and in pain. it's like a veil is pulled over myeyes and the entire world gets so dark and scary #idk how to explain i just feel so alone and so anxious and so unhappy #my experience with healthcare is sadly that treatment never helps and nothing gets better #so that's why i always get kinda depressed when something like this happens #the doctor suspects it is gallstones. and i got those rectal pills skskks that i'll try for the pain #then i just need to wait to get an ultra sound scan so they can check for gallstones. then i dont know #i was too stressed to ask her abt diet and such but im reading online and im like?? idk what im supposed to eat #that pain is just fkn awful and im so scared of triggering it #esp bc i dont fkn know how to put a pill up my ass that stresses me out even more #if i had an ordinary life i.e a job and friends and such it's easier to handle these things. but when u feel vulnerable nd scared it makes #it sm worse..... #and im so fkn stressed abt school now!!!! how am i supposed to sit and class when im in pain???? and barely sleeping #yeah idk. i need to find a way to get thru this ksksks :((((( #maybe im over dramatic or smth. i prob am. but i cant describe it im just in sm pain and im scared and confused and stressed af #i also have no idea how long this will last or if i can start eating normally and when i can start going for my walks again #like will this not pass until they remove the potential gallstone or what?? #i hate this pain sm it hurts so bad i dont know how long i'll be able to endure it #im also getting closer to a depression so.. idk im just not ok rn ksks

[rosicheeks]

🥰

#im sleeping over at my friends/dogsitting place #and she’s letting me chill downstairs and paint #since she goes to bed a lot earlier than I do #but I’m just so anxious right now #I’ve never painted while she was home #and I’m so scared I’m going to be too loud or something #I think I might just do a painting and call it a night #maybe just chill in the bed after that idk #I can’t wait until I have my own place one day #I just want to paint and leave my craft shit out and not care abiut it #like I just realized I have to clean all this shit up before I go to bed cause I don’t want the mom to see it #I’m sure she’ll be fine with it but still #she’s getting home from a trip and I don’t want the first thing she sees is a messy dining room table #I was so excited to paint tonight #and just have a night to myself #but it’s not going as planned #grrrrrr #and maya keeps growling and idk why #maybe cause I’m up and she doesn’t want me to be??? #ok she just barked #I guess I’m just gonna go to bed #change of plans #ughhhhhhhhh #I love maya so much but whyyyy puppy whyyyy #I just wanted to paint 😭😭😭 #wow this was a rollercoaster #I was so excited to chill and paint #but oh well #bah humbug #shut up rosie

[catholicjinx]

um.

#so its my brothers birthday today and he wants to go to a mfing TRAMPOLINE PARK #which is fine like ok ill go and ill watch u guys do whatever #but now my mom is making me go despite me telling her that im going tobbe in excruciating pain and #its gonna make me anxious #but then she kept telling me i was a terrible brother andnperson if i dont go and when i said i just really didnt want to for the sake o #of my anxiety she told me she was heavily disappointed in me #aaaaand now im really anxious because i keep getting ptsd flashbacks #on top of everything my. best friend wont text me after we broke up and imm really scared i did something wrong #dont rb #hdhshdhdh ive been awake for 20 MINUTES

[mammoneythegreat]

My last 2 tests today,,, i feel sick😭

#the thing is #i think im ready for yhe tests?? #why am i still so anxious or scared?? #i dont have anything to be scared of?? #sure i base my self worth on my grades but #its ok if i dont do well caz no ones expecting me to get great grades in my second year in a foreign country #aaa #i need to study but i cant😭 #how does one motivate oneself??

[em-bandaid-boy]

I like. Drew one picture and then I realized I made it too small. So I had to add something else. Also this has been in drafts since around Halloween because I don't like it lmao

#ocs #my ocs #my art #my original characters #original character #original art #lgbt ocs #ok so last week my leg got slammed in my car door and theres a hugs scab there still and im trying my best not to fuck with it #anyways. how are you guys doing #jeremy cannot drive he gets scared #i also get scared while driving but somehow i do it #see really when i drive im either anxious or i dont care at all. #some days its omg omg omg im gonna hit something and other days someone swerves toward me and im like. okay girl cool #btw all those tags were made a while ago. i picked at the leg scab and uhh. i dont think it healed properly. idk #its really great.

[transgaysex]

i love having thoughts while procrastinating on something i need to do

#wind howls #it pops back from my memories every once in a while but it truly is fucked up huh #my first secondary school best friend who straight up told me her mom didnt want me coming over anymore because- #her mom was . girl ? i wouldve rather u told me ur mom doesnt like me not that shes racist ? #which is. considering her mom was a teacher in a special needs school. like ok so ur disabled kids of colors are gonna be brutalized huh #im not even friends with her anymore because she told me i was too big of a burden when i had just come out of being- #institutionalized against my will. okay white girl i get it ! #anyway aurghhh i need to SHOWER im going to a BIRTHDAY PARTY and im SCARED but i can DO THIS <- anxious to hell and back #edit: her mom was 'afraid i was gonna steal something' i forgot tumblr hate quote marks in tags. whatever

[nexus-nebulae]

i amb. Dissociating

#low health #<- this tag for mental health too ig #ask to tag #i dont know why i am brain not working #literally do not know what is causing this #havent been able to focus at all yesterday or today #probably longer than that idk #id ont know who i am or whos nearby front #i dont think our brain wants echo anumore but we dont have a replacement what do we do #we almost got two relplacement but they werent fit for being host for various reaosns #i keep just. like. going blank for so amny minutes at a time #jsut staring at nothing midsentenece and never finishing the thoght #sorry for all the misspellnigs too i dont really have the energy to fix them tbh #brain is being not ok but i dont know why its happening or what can fix it #maybe its hust fall idk #fall always fills me with dread for like. many reasons #like soon im not gonna be able to walk as much and im almost never gonna be able to leave the house once winter hits #plus fall seems to be exactly when bad things alwys happen to me so #thank u august 2020 for that oen #but its not even august anymore youd think if it were connected to the august incident itd fuck me up during august #i dont know. i dont know whats wrong or why my brain is upse t #and i dont know how to fix it #i keep thinking 'talking to friend will help' and maybe it is i dont know i cant tell #but im too fucking dumb and anxious to do that half the fucking time anyways #... i think i have trust issues #not in the sense of 'i think everyone around me is hiding something' or shit like that #btu more in the sense of 'i am so scared at every second that i am going to fuck this up' #so i never even try bc it's the only 100% guaranteed way to not fuck up right???? #wrong then i lose all my friends bc i dont talk to anyone ever

[thefunniestguy]

GRR,,

#venting in tags #sorry i need to yell lmao #vent #after being hit w the 'i like your hair long :(' i . i was walking around the store with my sister (w moms permission) #and found a good compression bra that i actually liked and . proceeded to get in trouble bc she couldnt find us #which is my fault bc i was trying on clothes #but. couldnt get the bra bc im too scared to ask when shes upset aaaaaaa #i just wanna feel at home in my body #jeez i just wanna feel normal fuck #i want to go back to therapy so bad but its expensive. but also she treats it like those 3 fucking sessions did anything #the first was literally the therapist getting to know my mom and i #but the only way id get back in is thru the doctors when you fill out that . 'are you anxious. are you sa d . etc' thing #but now im even scared to do that bc she pulls the 'ohhhh im such a bad mom :(((((' card which #OK. you kinda fucking can be bht i LOVE you and i hate feeling like youre trying to ?? guilt trip me ?????? #GRRRRR sorry i dislike venting bc idk if my friends will see this but i just . im going insane . or at least close to it /j i yhink #im probablt being dramatic its just Things Piling Up

[globodamorte]

I'm afraid and scared and terrified

#i . doubt my mother would give her plants away... #i dont want her to get rid of all of them!!! just the ones that are toxic to the cats... #but i doubt she'll do it #and i get scared. bc one of them nibbles on whatever plant theres around when shes hungry #and it scares me that she'll do it while im out. or asleep... #like. im so broken so paranoid so damaged so traumatized from this kinda shit that they cant do anything without me panicking #thinking that actually theyre sick and dying and that itll be my fault if i just wait and see if theres actually something wrong #delete #like. im so tired. im tired of being so scared #earlier today i already freaked out bc i couldnt find one of them #but then i did. hes ok #idk!!!! im so scared all the time its either my dad or one of the cats and I'm constantly on edge and feeling anxious and my body hurts #and thats exhausting!!! and i cant even mention this to anyone in my house without them calling me neurotic and dramatic or whatever tf #and like its so infuriating that theyll just go “you need to calm down” like im a child or something and not realize im crazy and messed up #and its partly their fault