#-i literally cannot focus on anything and i cannot open a book and study unless the panic of exams sets in and i physically cannot bring-

[erwinsvow]

𝐚𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐞 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐭𝐰𝐨

note: part two to the college headcanons! part one can be found here! i had a lot of fun writing these and i hope everyone enjoys them :) teacher/student dynamic warning for zeke and hange's, and i guess bullying for annie's :/

𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐜𝐨 𝐠𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐢𝐚𝐫𝐝

the very definition of kind-hearted frat boy who doesn’t fit the stereotype he’s been assigned at all

starts off with accounting before realizing he hates math, moves into business management and marketing

the linkedin profile is absolutely popping, 500+ connections and details about every club and organization he’s ever been a part of

the friend that helps everyone find internships and fixes their resumes while offering helpful advice and not being condescending… anyways so that’s how you meet porco

he works at the career center 100% and does various coaching/prep help, and you, pieck’s friend, are in desperate need of an internship

so you’re complaining to your friend as usual, when she tells you to stop by the building and ask for a “pock”

so you do just that, walking in and asking for “pock” and porco is a little stunned by this pretty stranger calling him by a nickname reserved for his close friends, and even then he just barely tolerates it

but he doesn’t want to correct you, especially since you’re being so sweet and he can tell you need some help

so a meeting at the career center slowly turns into facetime calls to review applications and last-minute edits, stopping by your dorm to help you fill out paperwork and walking together to mail it out

i have a feeling porco doesn’t wanna be too forward, and he thinks he’s being very aloof and casual, when he really just seems oblivious

and you cannot tell for the life of you if he likes you or he’s just being friendly since you’re close with pieck

finally after you land the internship and won't have your normal excuse to spend time with him, you get the guts you've been searching for

you tell him about the position later in the day, stopping by the center for hopefully the last time

"by the way, my number's on my resume if you're ever gonna ask me out."

leaves pocky-boy flustered and red and scrambling to ask you out, and you have been happily dating since

𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

oh boy

conny is a very typical college kid in the sense that he will sleep through every 8 am class he has, blow off class to go wait in line for the nacho bar, and has adopted the mantra ‘c’s get degrees’

but he is an extremely lovable education major with a focus in history

rarely seen without his shadow sasha, but now that she started dating niccolo, she thinks that conny could use a relationship too, and that it might do him some good to be with a funny, down-to-earth person

thus begins the most grueling two weeks for every girl on campus, as sasha hunts down girls that she thinks would be a good match for her best friend

this includes airdropping a photo of conny to the lecture hall with the caption “would you date this man? serious inquiries only”

creates a fake tinder complete with a google form to narrow down the options

however, none of this is necessary because sasha bumps into you in the smoothie line and causes your triple berry blend to go flying

she helps you clean up and idle conversation leads to you talking about dates and so forth

“well, i’d love to set you up with my best friend? how do you feel about a blind date?”

yes, conny met you, the love of his life, on a blind date set up by sasha with a stranger

it’s one of those funny stories that people don’t believe when you tell them, because how ridiculous is that, but you both think it’s perfect since you get along so well and it made all the waiting worth it

bonus: double dates with sasha and niccolo! fondue night at their apartment, going to the arcade and having to lug up sasha and her food baby while niccolo parks the car, just overall a grand time :)

𝐳𝐞𝐤𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫

zeke yeager, ph.d. started his new job at university with one rule in mind: absolutely no illicit affairs

he also coaches the club baseball team, because why not get involved on your campus

he really believes that he’s gonna stick with it too, despite the overwhelming number of students who come to his office hours with questions that his less handsome teaching assistants could answer

but no, he doesn’t want to earn a reputation as that professor, and so he heads into the new semester with absolutely no lingering thoughts of an exciting little dalliance to get him through the monotonous days

he knows his huge lecture classes would always come with a few pretty students, but it’s the smaller, upper-level psych class he’s teaching when he meets you for the first time

zeke has you all figured out, or so he thinks. sitting in the front row, raising your hand for questions he wasn’t expecting anyone to actually have an answer to, neatly handwritten notes in a color-coded notebook. he wouldn’t peg you for the type to jump and take the risk by starting a relationship with a professor.

but he soon realizes that he didn’t have you as figured out as he thought he did.

you avoid the gaggle of freshmen during office hours by scheduling meetings instead, sometimes right before class, coming to him with two cups of coffee and a wide smile that actually had him fooled into thinking you were here for academic reasons

this facade quickly fades though, because after a semester of interactions with you and getting more and more comfortable with each other, to the point where coffee orders are memorized and it’s zeke rather than professor yeager, you’ve had just about enough

he knows he’s fucked when you come visit him at practice for the baseball team, bringing him a drink and engaging in conversation while the players watch their coach flirt with you

he’s especially fucked when he realizes he’s looking forward to practice just because there’s a chance you’ll stop by on your way to your next class

you submit your final paper early, nearly a week before it’s due and of course the first in the class to do so, and waltz into his office the next day with another steaming cup of his favorite drink

“you submitted your paper pretty early, you know.”

“i know. i also know that it means i’m not your student anymore, so if you were going to make a move, now’s the time.”

no, he definitely had underestimated how much he knew about you.

𝐦𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐬𝐚 𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧

mikasa is a forensic sciences major and is still debating on the minor- she’s torn between criminal justice or history like armin.

she loves her major classes, but she just wants something else interesting to look forward to as well, so armin suggests sitting in on a couple classes early in the semester and getting a taste for it.

so you don’t really think twice when she claims the empty seat next to you on the first day of classes, smiling politely and paying attention to the professor. you do notice, however, that she’s not writing anything down or looking at the syllabus, leading you to strike a conversation on why that is.

she explains herself and then before you even know it, the lecture ends and you spent the last forty minutes talking to mikasa about anything and everything.

she’s sitting in on another class tomorrow, and absent mindedly invites you to come along, to which you agree all too quickly, because why wouldn’t you

numbers are exchanged, times are fixed, and mikasa leaves wondering why she’s so excited at the idea of sitting with you in class again.

you two hate the history class she had chosen, with the professor droning on and on and you being focused entirely on the conversation you’re having with mikasa

until the professor kicks the two of you out for not shutting up, that is

you’re both laughing hysterically once you reach the hallway

“i’m gonna have to discourage you from doing that history minor if that’s what all the classes are like.”

“well, i have to do criminal justice so we can have that class together, anyways.”

𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐭

true to form, annie goes into one of the most difficult majors: cheg. definitely flies through intro courses with straight As and minimal effort, but that’s also mostly because all she and bertholdt do is study

reiner tries his hardest to get her to go to a party every once in a while, but usually to no avail because she always has an exam to study for

you’re a tutor, and honestly, you’d say you were pretty good at your job. you can answer questions and explain reasonings fairly well to confused students. but when annie comes to your office hours with some complicated problems and she’s asking for explanations that you just don’t have, you literally feel your face burn with heat for the entirety of the time she’s there

long story short, your first encounter is embarrassing, to say the least. you’re stumbling over words as you try to look through your old notes and piece together an answer for annie, who you cannot even look in the eyes.

anyways, she leaves eventually and you want a hole to open in the ground and swallow you up, but at least she won’t be back next week, right?

wrong.

miss leonhart doesn’t know how to express her feelings any better than you, so her way of flirting is spending time with you in the tutor center as you fail to answer her questions time and time again

you want to scream at her to stop coming because she and you both know you’re not helping either of you with this

but also you really don’t want her to stop coming because you don’t have any other ways to see her outside of class

both of you reach your wit’s end on the same day, her coming to you with the absolute easiest problems she could find in the textbook, and you with every intention of asking her out to dinner

she opens her book, and you reach and close it quickly

“unless this is the only way you know how to flirt, something has to change now.”

𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐳𝐨𝐞

dr. zoë teaches, just, way too many classes

we’re talking multiple chemistry labs and upper-level research courses as well

you’re just a ph.d. student doing rotations as per usual, and you’ve heard the comments from students senior to you about dr. zoë, who makes every student in rotation say hange instead of the formal way you’re used to

you’ve heard everything from crazy to genius and everything in between

what you weren’t expecting was… so good looking, and young? and comforting? and talking about all the things that you didn’t have the guts to bring up with other people, like how you always feel a little left out in the field and that you think no one cares about your research interests that much—a lot of stuff that you find yourself pouring out to hange on your very first day in the lab

you’re wondering why it’s so easy to talk to them, and why none of the other rotations ever felt this comfortable

and then you realize you’re spilling your guts to someone who probably doesn’t even care, and has way more to deal with on their plate than a ph.d. student with imposter syndrome

so you’re apologizing right after you’ve finished, when you’re met with the warmest look and a reassuring hand on your shoulder

it’s so easy to fall after that, with weekly meetings and regular check-ins, and you know it’s wrong to have this strange crush on your superior, but hange really feels like the one person you can count on here

you hide the crush in favor of getting the mentorship you desperately think you need, but it’s not long until you’re onto the next rotation and the next lab’s work is even closer to the stuff you love

you hate the way you feel, that you’re not gonna have any reason to keep in touch and you never even got to explain how you feel about them—and that you didn’t even get to experience hange’s energy because she was always listening and helping you out

it’s not until you get a text the night before your first day in the new lab from hange, filled with reassuring words and asking for a coffee date later in the week to talk about how it goes, that you realize just how well hange understood you

𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫

last but not least, miss pieck is double majoring in french and public health

absolutely obsessed with her majors and loves the subjects, but works herself to death to keep up with it all

you don’t even realize that the pretty, studious girl you’re seeing in the library all the time is the same girl you spot with some of your friends from class

pieck is as oblivious as they come. you invite her on study dates after you two are introduced by reiner, invite her to get coffee after a particularly late night of studying, pretty much start spending most of your days together

you can’t help but be disappointed that pieck doesn’t see you in that way, because you’ve slowly been falling head over heels, but you accept that maybe it just wasn’t meant to be, and you still love the friendship you two have

it takes a while for things to click for pieck, but they do right as the semester eases up

once exams are over, you two decide to go to these famous parties porco and reiner never stop talking about

it’s not the usual scene you’re comfortable with, but what’s wrong with letting loose a little, especially after midterms? no harm in having fun, right?

wrong again! you definitely get plastered way too quickly, and eventually pieck takes you to a room to settle down

drunk confessions of love aren’t usually the way to go, but you can’t help but reveal everything you’ve been feeling for the last few months when pieck is taking care of you in your current state

you definitely wake up hungover and ignorant to last night’s shenanigans, but you’re in your dorm, with a bottle of water and ibuprofen on the nightstand, phone plugged in and shoes off

pieck comes back with breakfast, coffee and your favorite pastries, and checks up on you

“so.. about last night..”

“i’m so sorry, did i throw up on you?”

“no, but you did say you were in love with me. was that just a drunk thing, or is it a sober thing too? because i think i’m in love with you too.”

#aot #aot headcanons #porco galliard #porco x reader #connie springer #conny springer x reader #zeke yeager #zeke jaeger #zeke yeager x reader #mikasa ackerman #mikasa x reader #snk #annie leonhart #pieck finger #pieck finger x reader #snk headcanons #hange zoe #hange x reader #annie leonhart x reader #attack on titan #college au

[anxiouslyfred]

Mold on Me

for @dukexietyweek‘s prompt High School, I have no clue how american schools work so I’m just going with what I know.

Summary: Virgil had only heard about Remus as a kid who annoyed his friends in their classes but after finally seeing what the other student looks like and meeting him is torn between hiding away or trying to get to know Remus better. Remus is already decided on meeting the snarky student again, if only to learn his name.

Warnings: Knife mentions, Food mentions?, unsafe science lab practices mentioned,

/\/\/\/\/\

Virgil had been bullied badly when he was younger. It was why he hated being around the more populated areas of the school and now basically lived in the Library as much as he could. That didn’t mean he was against making friends, just that they’d usually be the ones deciding to make friends and he just wouldn’t question it at all.

“He almost blew up the lab today. Why did I have to get partnered with someone who clearly has no regard for any form of safety? Even when I stopped him and tried to correct the experiment from where he’d mixed all the chemicals up he was literally taking the ones I was trying to return to mix together again!” Logan had been ranting for most of their breaktime by this point. Virgil didn’t really mind, and actually was kind of curious about the student in question.

He hadn’t had a class with Remus King before but already knew plenty of views about him, just because his 2 friends shared different classes with him. Logan’s complaints were always regarding some form of danger or safety protocol but Patton’s were where his interest came from.

The food technology class that Patton shared with Remus did have a lot of interesting assignments getting set at various times, including making savoury ice creams near the time of the open evenings so they could, essentially, prank the children wondering if this would be a good school for them to come to next. Patton had somehow managed to make one that tasted delicious but  Virgil still couldn’t work out if the flavour combination he’d been told Remus made only sounded disgusting or actually tasted horrible too.

“Dude, surely the teach would have stopped him if it was that dangerous.” Virgil just couldn’t be bothered to add something more to his list of reasons not to trust the teachers. It was already too long for his comfort and Logan was never one to help.

Patton at least caught onto that and came up with a subject to divert their conversation onto for the rest of their break.

/\/\

The next time Virgil thought about Remus was a few days later as their lunch break ended and he was heading into the science block for his physics class. Patton hadn’t made it out to lunch that day since his food technology class was either side of it so they’d have more time for the practical lessons.

It at least made the corridor Virgil was passing down smell delightfully of chocolate but he was far more interested in, and slightly terrified by, the boy kicking the door of the food tech classroom open, storming down the classroom, yelling “It’s knife work! What about that can’t be turned into uses for a weapon? What planet are you from that blades and any work from them isn’t two steps from a use to attack or torture another!”

One last thought Virgil had about Remus was that his friends were disasters at describing what any human looked like. According to Logan, the boy had obviously dyed his hair and ignored any attempt his parents or brother made to teach him personal hygiene. Patton was a little kinder, saying Remus had a lovely wide grin and energetic eyes, although Virgil was still trying to figure out just what that meant.

His mental image so far had been of some slightly crossed-eyed younger version of the Joker from Batman, but the boy fitting all the stories he’d heard of Remus looked nothing less than gorgeous.

“They’re from the Health and Safety state, Dude. We’re meant to have forgotten the threatening uses of knives we use in cooking unless we are the ones being threatened by them.” Virgil muttered his reply, to anxious about being noticed to say it any louder.

He still got noticed and the boy halting in front of him. “Someone in this damn school gets it! Come join us in class!” Virgil didn’t have much of a choice to disagree as his arm was grabbed and he got dragged into the classroom, sheepishly waving to Patton when the other students turned to look at the rapid return.

“Mr King, I’ve told you before that you cannot drag your friends into here even on a lunch break.” the teacher sighed, confirming Virgil’s assumption over who it was.

“I actually was heading to class anyway. There’s only like 2 minutes left before...” Virgil began explaining, tugging on his arm to get it released just as the bell went off to officially end the lunch period. “Yeah. I guess I’ll have to properly meet you some other time, Remus.”

He ducked out of the classroom before anything else could be said, letting the flow of other students heading to class calm the spiralling emotions and only just hearing “No fair, I’ll learn your name next time, Stachybotrys.” yelled after him.

If only the insane boy wasn’t proving to be exactly Virgil’s type perhaps he’d have learnt something about physics that day.

/\/\

Logan was not amused when he reached their table today. “Do either of you know if Remus means a person or the mold when he mentions Stachbotrys? I have had to argue constantly to get any progress on our study for the entirity of our class.”

“I met him for like two minutes. That should not be enough time for him to have anything to say about me.” Virgil growled, hunching back into his hoodie.

“He met Virgil while trying to storm out of food tech yesterday. Apparently our anxious bean muttered something in agreement of what he was yelling about knives.” Patton added what more he could at Logan’s raised eyebrow.

At least amusement was replacing Logan’s frustration now, a smile clearly being held back. “At least I didn’t try suggesting he locates the mold on rice then. Remus does seem rather insistent that and I’m paraphrasing here, he’s going to find and make his the Stachbotrys that is all he could think of last night.”

There aren’t quite words for everything Virgil wanted to say to that, so in the attempt he let out a rather strangled noise, burying his head in his arms. He could take having a crush on a complete whirlwind maniac who seemed to drive both his friends up the wall but having even the merest suggestion the affections could be returned was too much to understand.

“If he brings it up next time we share class I’ll suggest visiting the library to look up the subject, shall I?” Logan offered. Virgil made a mental note that there had now been 3 instances of teasing pushed too much by the boy who insisted he only ever acted logically.

/\/\

“I don’t need to read about mold but my science partner has decided if I’m going to talk about my Stachybotrys so much our experiments can easily be adjusted to focus on mold.” Remus’s voice was loud as he marched over to the helpdesk in the library and Virgil was just grateful he had decided to read at one of the tables hidden among the shelves while waiting for his lift to arrive. “Apparently that means I do need books to source the information I already know so which shelves am I looking for?”

Definitely not the area Virgil was in. The shelves near him included cultures of the world, and how to books for various creative hobbies. The only thing that seemed even remotely likely to interest Remus were the history of war books near the end of the isle but they didn’t connect to mold at all.

Virgil’s reasoning and frantic checking that he could hopefully avoid the other boy distracted him enough that he didn’t realise Remus looking through the shelves opposite him. “Stachybotrys! I found you again!” He couldn’t miss the exclamation though.

“Didn’t realise we were playing hide and seek. I thought I was writing an essay for English Lit.” Virgil hissed back, really not wanting to give the librarian any cause to kick him out.

“Ooh, what’s it on? And what’s your name? You’ve been on my mind like a mold and it would be nice to have the right name for the newest mold I’ve encountered.” Remus clearly didn’t care about making some noise although he did quiet down dramatically when he saw how uncomfortable the noise was making Virgil.

“I’m Virgil though I’m fairly sure you’ve already got my friends convinced Stachybotrys should just be a nickname for me now.”  He was actually annoyed at that.

Patton always butchered the word, and would only try to use it when mentioning how besotted he thought Remus was since the only diversion of subject in their food tech class recently had been how the molds of different foods could make people sick or kill them.

Logan on the other hand would just randomly use the name for Virgil in the hopes Remus would be somewhere close by to hear him. That had never worked since Virgil was either in class, outside to eat or in the library.

Remus peered at him a little. “Still fits though. You definitely appear like a threat but ultimately leaving the world undecided over how dangerous you are. So assuming Logan’s one of your friends, who is the other I’ve got calling you it? And do they think I have a chance at dating you?”

“Patton and are you seriously asking me if my friends think you should ask me out? Dude, if you want to date me just ask me if I want to go on a date. Or is being ridiculously convoluted a game of yours?” Virgil scolded, shaking his head, trying to decide if there was some kind of mind game happening in the moment or not.

“Okay then, Date me, Emo kid! We can go ravage a farm search for signs of mold and decay among all their crops and end with a picnic of snacks I invented recipes for in class!” Remus just shrugged at the tone, moving on to what was requested of him,

That was even further from Virgil’s expectations of the response than Logan saying Remus was set on finding him had been. Most people were at least a little put off by how harshly he reacted whe uncertain of situations. “Can we start with the food? My brain will just panic over how I could die from being close to mold and then eating if we do it your way round.”

“Of course we can. Let’s meet at Gorse Hill farm at like 2pm on Saturday for our date then!” Remus jumped up from his spot then, a wild grin on his face as he waved, heading off. “Can’t wait for it, Stachbotrys.”

#dukexietyweek2020 #dukexiety #remus sanders #virgil sanders #patton sanders #logan sanders #high school au

[thesunandseonghwa]

Shadows and Angels | Part Eight

changbin x reader/chan x reader

warnings: panic attack, blood, being drugged 

see here for glossary of terms used

masterlist

“I can get you into Faerie but I cannot promise you an escape,” Hyunjin stated simply, he leaned against his desk. Clad in a silk robe over what you presumed was his sleepwear. Extravagant as ever, his long now blonde locks brushing his shoulders. His gaze was hard, unchanging but he refused to meet your eye.

“You knew my parents, you said they were your family make good on that and help me, please,” You contemplated literally getting on your knees and begging him, you had to do this and you were running out of time, “Hyunjin, I need to do this,”

Hyunjin sighed with a quick snap of his fingers, he produced a hair tie and began pulling his hair up into a little knot. He began rummaging around in his shelves that lined the walls of his study, “By the way, have you decided on the dark haired one or the other fake blonde or both because I’d like to say that warlock’s studys are often enchanted so your heated daliance in here was not a good idea unless you enjoy the thrill of voyeurism,”

Your cheeks immediately flamed but you stood your ground “That’s none of your business, leave the two of them out of this,”

“So we’re yet undecided? Faeries do love their little love games, the Faerie blood is truly strong with you, hmm?” Hyunjin chuckled as pushed books aside, finally procuring a little box.

“Your two suitors are quite persistent,” Hyunjin glared at the door, “I did a favour for your parents and that favour got them killed, I don’t wish to send their only child to her death either,” 

“I’ll be okay,” You lied through your teeth, preying he didn’t see right through you, “I’ve always had a plan, I promise I’ll be fine,”

“Figures, that’s what your mother told me before your father and her ran away,” Hyunjin laid a map in your hands, he held your hand for a moment. His grave expression marred his pretty face. 

“Thank you Hyunjin,” You gripped the map tightly, you had a sudden realisation of massive debt you owed this warlock. He had protected you for years when you were a child, kept track of you and helped your parents and now you in your time of need.

You hugged him firmly, he seemed to be stunned for a few seconds before you felt him hug you back. He smelt of sage and cinnamon, somehow comforting like some distant memory you had shoved far into the recess of your mind and only now remembered fully. “Thank you for everything,”

“You don’t have to thank me, I owe your parents a great debt, there is a history there you might never understand,” Hyunjin laughed, a bittersweet look in his eyes, “Now you must go before your gentlemen caller- I mean callers come break my door down,” 

“This map was a gift from.. a friend and it changes as Faerie changes, it will also show you exits when you need them, I can portal you close to the Seelie Court but you’ll still have to make some of the trip by foot,” Hyunjin explained, you nodded in understanding, ”You are stronger than you think, you have faerie blood and that means you have magic in your blood,” 

“Be safe, little one,” Hyunjin smiled, the tips of fingers fluttered with that silver fire and a whirling portal of magenta, forest green and every other colour appeared in front of you. You gave him once last look, holding the map tighter to your chest before you closed your eyes and stepped into the swirling colours.

When you opened your eyes you were standing in the most beautiful forest you had ever seen. It was in full bloom as if it was the peak of Spring, everything was almost too perfect looking. The colours too bright and the dew on the leaves sparkled a little too brightly. 

Nevertheless it was beautiful. You took a deep breath, grounding yourself. You were in Faerieland. The place your mother had run away from. You looked at the map Hyunjin had given you, planning your route and with a final deep breath you had began your journey to the Seelie Court. You walked and you walked, ignoring the ache in your bones and the protest of your mind. You lost track of time, the land had been bathed in sunlight when you had arrived and now it was dark. You looked up into the sky at too perfect stars and you suddenly wondered how Chan and Changbin were and if they were worried about you. You knew Chan would be worried out of his mind, he’d blame himself and try to come after you but you hoped Changbin would be his voice of reason. 

The sound of music and revelry broke you out of your thoughts. The music seemed so familiar, it drew you in and you followed it. You wanted to be like people you saw then, they were carefree. Dancing and drinking, not a problem in the world. They smiled and laughed, their clothes or lack thereof moving with them. 

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” A scarily familiar voice came from behind you. You spun around, blade instantly in hand. It immediately fell when you saw who was behind you.

“Changbin?!” You exclaimed, you were beyond confused. How did he figure out where you went, how did he find you here? Then again, he was a long trained Shadowhunter maybe he was as good as he bragged, “What are you doing here?”

“I needed to find you, I have to tell you something,” He said, his eyes filled with sincerity. He took your hand in his, “Come with me, quickly,” 

“No!” You exclaimed, ripping your hand from his grip, “I need to go to the Seelie Court, I have too,”

Changbin suddenly smashed his lips against yours, rough and piercing. You responded despite how much you hated it with the same ferocity. You had forgotten the way his lips felt against yours. You let your hands wrap around his neck, pulling him in close. He held you at the waist firmly. Something didn’t feel right. Something felt off, the way he placed his hands or maybe it was the way it lacked that intensity and desperation you remembered. Maybe it was you or maybe it had just been too long. It was just you, wasn’t it? 

“Come with me, y/n…” He whispered into your ear, it sent shivers down your spine. You nodded in a daze of lust, confusion floating away. 

You followed with his hand tightly around your own, he moved quickly and you stumbled to keep up with him. The next thing you knew, you were in the middle of the revel you had been gazing at earlier. You were enveloped by the music and surrounded by the swaying bodies, the sights and smells. You heard the unfamiliar and almost unnatural sound of Changbin laughing as he handed you a glass of something, you hadn’t realised how thirsty you were and downed it in one go.

Everything drew you in, you couldn’t help the sway of your body. Your hands in Changbin’s, you danced. Your smiles mirroring each others, he spun you around and around. You laughed so hard your stomach hurt, you wanted to pull him closer but your hand grabbed for nothing but air. You immediately panicked. You whirled around looking for him but you found another face in the midst of the chaos of bodies. 

 A face you would recognise anywhere and that made your heart ache with longing. A dimpled smile, bleach blonde hair and pretty brown eyes but the warmth was missing. It was strange. He only looked at you in despair, his face instantly falling as he saw you. Chan had looked at you then with so much sadness and contempt, it felt like he had all but ripped your heart from your ribcage with his bare hands.

“Chan?” You asked, confusion made your head start swirling. You stumbled, trying to push through bodies to get to the safety of him but he was too far away. You pushed and you pushed but you couldn’t get through, it felt like the air was thinning around you.

You tried to get to him but you just couldn’t. 

You fell to your hands and knees. The soil under your hands getting under your fingernails, you tried to focus on something, anything but everything in front of you, all the colours and all the sounds were blurring into one and you couldn’t grasp at anything. Tears began streaming down your cheeks, cries for help getting stuck in your throat and no one even noticed. You clawed at the ground, you forced yourself to stand on weak, shaky knees. You stumbled forward, you all but tumbled out of the crowd. 

Once you were free of the bodies, you backed yourself up against a tree. Sliding down to the floor, cradling your knees. You shut your eyes tightly, trying to gain some sense of awareness of what was going on around you.

“Y/N please…” That voice, Changbin’s voice again or was it Chan? 

“No! Leave me alone!” You screamed, jumping to your feet with both of your blades in hand. Changbin’s face twisted into a smirk, he advanced towards you, “Stay away from me, don’t touch me!” 

You hadn’t registered that you attacked really, both your blades piercing clean through his chest. Blood seeping through the white shirt he wore, you screamed when you had realised what you’d done. You held onto your blades  tightly, they were the only things securing you to the now. You watch him fall to the floor with a thud, you stared at his body in shock. A sour taste of bile coating your mouth. You wiped the blood on your hands off on your clothes desperately, what had you done?

You did the thing you knew best, you ran. 

You ran through the trees, scared and in no particular direction you just ran till your lungs burned. You tripped over something your blades flying out in front of you and you landing hard on your stomach. You wheezed, tears still streaming down your face. What had you done? You were a monster. A killer. You had killed him. 

“Y/N? Is that you?!” That voice, that was his voice. You were going insane, you had to be, your own mind was making it’s own way to torture you. 

“Go away! Leave me alone!” You shouted into the air, the figure that the voice belonged to back away. It wasn’t Changbin, it couldn’t be. You killed him like the vile person you truly were. You had blood on your hands since you were born after all.

A careful hand reached out to you, you looked up through tear-filled puffy eyes. Chcolate-brown eyes, warm as always but filled with concern. Chan. 

“Y/N, it’s me, I promise you it’s me,” You looked into his eyes, filled with that familiar tenderness, there was no lie there. There was nothing fake about the look he gave you, “You told me you slept with a teddy bear named Mr Stuffy till you were seventeen, you said you don’t like being the big spoon because you fit like a backpack, baby girl look at me please it’s me,” 

You threw yourself into his arms, the feeling was like coming home as it always was with Chan. Sobs left you in painful heaves, you felt him rub careful circles on your back. Small ones then big ones then small ones like you remembered, “It’s okay, just take deep breaths,”

You gathered your thoughts as best you could, taking deep breaths. 

Once you had significantly calmed down, the realization set in. Chan was here. In Faerie.

“What are you doing here?!” You pushed off from his chest slightly, hands still firmly planted on his chest. Grounding you. “Did you really think I- We’d let you go to Faerie alone? We’ve been looking for you,” A voice though without the usual bite but very much alive chimed in, Changbin was here too.

It wasn’t real. 

You’d been so stupid, you came here so sure of yourself and a faerie had tricked you so easily. You felt like you couldn’t look him in the eye as if with only that he could read everything in your mind and see all you’d done with the fake version of him... and all you’d imagined doing. 

“Also Hyunjin called us as soon as you left,” Chan explained further, you tentatively stepped out of his arms, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

You nodded though you weren’t sure how sure you actually were of that fact, the feel of that faerie’s blood on your hands. Perhaps you weren’t Changbin’s killer but you had killed someone. Taken a life. It had felt like something cracked inside you and you wondered it that was the start of something much bigger. 

“We got what we came for now let’s go home,” Changbin said, you shot him a warning look,

“I came here for a reason, we have to get Felix back you were the one that was talking about taking action instead of sitting around?” You chastised the boy, his brows furrowed,

“By take action, I meant we go to Faerie with the best at the Institute and we steal him back, not hand yourself in or go charging into the Seelie Court demanding we give him back?” He rolled his eyes, Chan sighed running his hand through his curls in a frustrated manner.

“Okay guys, we aren’t leaving here with Felix I agree but we also can’t simply just hand y/n over but luckily we know someone who is pretty high ranking Seelie in the queen’s court and maybe if we asked this someone for help then...” Chan trailed off, his eyes were pleading as he looked Changbin.

Changbin’s face was a look of pure disdain, “You’re kidding right, you’ve got to be kidding me?”

You had an inkling of idea of who Chan could be referring too but you sincerely hoped you were wrong, “Is he referring to the one that tried to kidnap me?”

“Also the one that is the reason he got bit by a Shax demon?” Changbin and you exchanged incredulous before turning to Chan, he couldn’t possibly be serious.

“That one exactly, Binnnie,” 

For once Changbin and you were in complete agreement, “You think he’ll help us? Jisung? Jisung who kidnapped Felix?” 

“I know there’s still good in him when those demons attacked when I was on mission with Felix, I was almost overwhelmed but he killed the last one, he saved me,” Chan explained, 

“Are you forgetting he held Felix at knifepoint and then kidnapped him right after that!” Changbin exclaimed, “You cannot possibly believe that he’ll actually help us?”

“You two aren’t even supposed to be here, I came here alone for a reason I didn’t want anyone else risking their life for mine,” You sighed, crossing your arms over your chest, “This is too risky,” 

“It’s part of our job description and we’re not letting you give yourself over to the Queen, we can figure something out but we’re not letting you walk to your death at least not alone and not without a fight,” Chan tried to reach for your hand but you didn’t let him, you hated the hurt look that flashed in his eyes,

“That isn’t for you to decide, this is my life and I can decide how it ends, no one else has to fight for me or get hurt or die!” You hadn’t realised you were shouting till you saw the expressions of the two Shadowhunters in front of you, “Felix was taken because of me, my adoptive parents died so did my biological parents and all to protect me, I’ve had enough bloodshed and I will not let Felix be another,”

“But-” Chan began, Changbin put a hand on his Parabatai’s shoulder.

To the both of your surprise Changbin spoke up, “We’ll try and find Jisung but if he isn’t willing to help us then let y/n do what needs to do, we can’t make her decisions for her,” 

You silently thanked Changbin for supporting you, something you thought you’d never live to see him do. You almost couldn’t believe what you were hearing perhaps you were more alike than you had thought. Then again, you didn’t have nearly as good and big of a heart as Chan did. 

Chan let out a big sigh, “That’s the last resort but we’re going to try everything else we possibly can first?”

“Agreed,” The three of you said in unison,

“Now where the hell does one find a navy haired backstabbing piece of shit?” Changbin said with an uncharacteristically bright smile that was more unsettling than anything else, “When we do find him: I’m going to punch him and if he doesn’t want to help us then I’ll kill him,” 

Now that was the Changbin you knew, you couldn’t believe you had believed that shape-shifting faerie had been him. The faerie was much too sweet-tongued and if you thought about it, he damn well didn’t kiss like him or have his smell of leather and some expensive cologne. You shook your head as if you could physically shake the thought of him out of your head. 

“Y/N, are you sure you’re okay?” Chan raised his hand to your cheek, holding your face with that familiar tenderness that he held in his voice too. 

You couldn’t help the way the corners of your mouth quirked into a smile, the wave of warmth that rolled through you was welcomed as a chill breeze ruffled the forest of Faerie, “I’m alright, don’t worry,” 

“For now I think we need to rest up and in the morning we’re going to see one of Changbin’s old... uh- flames?” Chan fumbled with his words, Changbin lips pressed into a thin line. 

“It was more of a gentle simmer across my teen years that went very sour very quickly,” Changbin explained, “But I’d like to get a good night’s rest before I have to prepare myself to face death,”

You looked at Chan in confusion, “I swear no one ever tells me anything interesting?”

Chan laughed as he swung his backpack off to the floor then slid down next to it, you followed his actions. Sitting down closely next to him criss cross apple sauce, your knees touching. Changbin rested against a tree trunk, his arms crossed, “I’m nodding off then if you’re going to tell this story,” 

He promptly closed his eyes and his head drooped within a few minutes, you rolled your eyes at how easily he fell asleep, “How does he do that?” 

“He’s always tired, he usually doesn’t let himself sleep much but when he does he sleeps like a log,” Chan shrugged his shoulders, you smiled at him before laying back on the soft ground. Chan slipped his arm underneath your head like he usually would when you slept in his room at the Institute. You revelled in the normalcy of it all and the comfort it brought.

The both of you looked up at the sky, filled with stars and constellations you’d never seen before. The brightness of the stars above highlighted Chan’s features making him almost look like he was glowing. You couldn’t fathom how beautiful he was sometimes from his personality to his looks, you truly felt like didn’t deserve him. He was so bright, full of love and light always ready to give that out.

You moved to lay with your head on his chest. The gentle rise and fall of it and the sound of his heartbeat, a reminder you weren’t alone and you were alive, beginning to lull you to sleep. A gentle press of his lips to your forehead banishing all that could hurt you away, “Thank you, Chan,”

“For what?”

“For being you, for being so understanding, for giving me love I don’t deserve, for everything?”

Chan slipped a finger under your chin to tilt your head upwards. He looked at you with the reflection of starlight in his eyes before he kissed you, soft and sweet. An acknowledgement, an acceptance or of reciprocation, you didn’t know that but you did know that you were beginning to fall, very hard for a Shadowhunter.

If only you could figure out which one.

■━■━■━■━■━■━■━■

Once again, apologies for the long wait!

I’ve got final exams coming up so I might have to put this on hold soon for a little while. I do plan on continuing as soon as I’m not so swamped with academics :((

#skz #skz fic #skz shadowhunter au #stray kids #stray kids fic #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids au #stray kids shadowhunter #changbin #seo changbin #changbin fic #changbin angst #changbin fluff #changbin smut #bangchan smut #bangchan fluff #bangchan angst #bangchan fic #bangchan au #changbin au #skz scenarios

[blackdreamsoffashion]

It’s August 7th and unfortunately, things have gotten exponentially worse…. in the U.S. because the rest of the world has generally gotten their shit together.

As things continue to worsen and we wait for the ticking time bomb that is K-12 schools and universities opening for F2F instruction… prior to having a vaccine, there honestly doesn’t seem to be a real end in sight (unless I move to Canada, and I may or may not have been researching how to become a Canadian citizen).

Most of the time, I’m ok with this. I’m a big girl, I understand that life is hard, things happen, “it is what it is” (barf), but there are some days where the realization that I’ll be living through these Covid times indefinitely, truly knocks the wind out of me.

While I’m generally a home body, I do like the option of being able to leave my house. I miss being able to visit family and friends without worrying about infecting each other. I miss the gym, and coffee shops, and Marshall’s, and thrift stores. I could go on and on about what I miss, but I’ll spare you since I’m sure everyone has things they’re missing right now.

On these hard days, and throughout the pandemic in general, I’ve tried to find ways to feel somewhat “normal”, and luckily with the help of my therapist and suggestions from friends, I’ve felt ok most days and I don’t curl up and cry on the floor for hours on the hard days either (even though a good cry is always good for the soul).

So, I thought I’d share my tips.

Being a teacher and all, it’s in my nature.

1. Tip 1: Keep a loose schedule

In the beginning of the pandemic, I found that I was trying to just go with the flow. I didn’t have any sort of schedule and I quickly learning that everything just started to blend together, in a negative way. When you come from a structured life style, i.e. teaching classes, waking up, eating , working out, dissertating, etc. all at a set time, having no structure feels hard after a while! So, I created a very loose, very flexible schedule, as I found it gave me something to look forward to, while helping my life to feel more normal. For example, my days are generally: wake up around 7:30/8, listen to a podcast or two while eating, from 9 until 12 it’s open to what I want (maybe running, going for a walk, reading, cleaning, etc.). 12:30 is lunch followed by coffee and a dessert. 1-5 I try to complete some school/work related tasks. 5:30-6:30 I cook and have dinner. After dinner, we might go for another walk… or another dessert. I might dance to ratchet music for 20-30 minutes (also good for the soul, trust me), or I might do some things around the house. 9:30-11:30 I watch Netflix. So as you can see, it’s super loose, and the only things that are truly set are my meal times… otherwise I’d be eating constantly all day. The first month of covid, we spent about $600 on food….for two people…. and our budget is 250-300 a month #yikes. By having some things to look forward to though, it helps my days to run a bit smoother. But let’s be honest, we all know it’s the dessert after lunch that keeps me going LOL.

2. Tip 2: Find you hobby

Considering the way American culture and society is set up (insert side-eye here), our lives are often centered around work/school and other obligations, and we rarely have time to pursue other things. Therefore, I’ve tried to really take advantage of having to be home by incorporating some old hobbies back into my life, and even trying new ones. I’ve been flying through angsty Mangas and Animes and repurposing/revamping thrifted furniture/ people trash.

I even made a children’s book for my nephew centered around him and my sister!

I’m also trying to expand the inventories of bread I can make. I’m happily at a solid 1.5 different loaves. I say 1.5 because the second type only comes out well 50% of the time LOL.

  There are so many things you can do such as an online cooking class, a Zoom paint-with-a twist, drawing, photography, running, gardening, learning a new language or skill, becoming an indoor plant mom, etc.

I am especially biased towards activities that involve moving the body. NUMEROUS studies (no I’m not looking them up/linking them b/c I do enough of that as an academic, so you can look up studies yourself!) have found that exercise helps with anxiety and depression (I can attest to this), with mental clarity and focus (I can also attest to this), it helps you sleep better, and it also helps with your immune system, blood pressure, and hormone regulation. My moods are always consistently better when I exercise vs. when I don’t. When I don’t I can become a crazy bish….

3. Tip 3: Take social media breaks

I do this and I have several friends who do this as well. Yes it is important to be connected and social media can facilitate that. However, it is extremely important to monitor/control what we consume. The world, especially the U.S. is NOT a pretty place right now. Our feeds are filled with Black men and women losing their lives to police, families being ripped apart due to Covid-related deaths, thousands of deaths in Lebanon, a humanitarian crisis in Yemen, and the list goes on and on. Taking breaks from constant exposure to that is crucial to maintaining our mental health. I know it’s easier said than done, and studies have shown that social media is a literal addition, but I find that it helps to set small goals, which can be done easily with i-phones. Simply set a limit to the amount of time you’re able to use social media apps (through the i-phone settings), and it will lock you out of the app once you reach that time limit.

4. Tip 4: The Calm app

I cannot express how in love I am with the Calm app. I believe it’s $70 a year but given that I use it everyday, that’s essentially .20 cents a day.  Trust me, it’s wellll worth it. The app includes things like guided meditations, bedtime stories, daily mood check-ins, sound scapes, 7-days of gratitude, and help for anxiety, confidence, relationships, stress, emotions, etc. etc. TBH, you should have bought it when I said .20 cents a day! This app helped me through graduate school as I struggled with stress, anxiety, and sleep deprivation, and it continues to help me with those same things as I transition into a new work environment and of course, Covid.

Lastly, I’m not sure whether this is a tip or not due to its broadness but, if I’ve learned anything from all of this craziness, it’s to do things meaningfully and with intention. It’s soooo easy to agree to 1000 Zoom get-togethers when you’re not interacting with other humans, but it gets to a point where we’re just doing things to do them. Like social media. We scroll just because. We binge shop online (maybe just me…), we watch a million shows on Netflix, we eat ALL the cookies/make constant trips just because. Although it’s not easy, I try to be in tune with myself and my needs by being present, and asking myself WHY. Why are you going in the fridge again, Sherez? Are you hungry, or eating to eat? Why did you say yes to that Zoom hang out when you just spoke with that person two days ago (what could have possibly happened in two days during Covid LOL).

I do slip up, often, but I try my damn best. Trying helps me to make it through the hard days, and it makes the other days as close to normal as it’s gonna get, for now.

Any who, I hope this is able to help someone out there in the black void that is the internet.

Goodluck my friends! Sending back the love + light that I’ve received from so many of you. We’ll get through this, poco a poco, and we are in this together…… despite American society’s push for individualism (*cough, cough*).

Until the next one!

S.M.

Sharing is caring. 

Surviving the pandemic hard days: Tips from me + the community It's August 7th and unfortunately, things have gotten exponentially worse.... in the U.S. because the rest of the world has generally gotten their shit together.

#community #Covid #health #society #tips

[estradioltone]

Why’s my stomach hurting? Why am I feeling so lonely when I have so many messages to answer? I CANNOT have another favorite person. Does that mean I’m doomed to high school loneliness?

When I was fifteen lots of people liked me AND I didn’t have a favorite person. Sean? Sam? Danica S? I’m trying to remember. Alex? Stephanie? What show did we do that year? It was Charlie Brown. Mattress, Charlie Brown, Trial by Jury, Sound of Music, and Alice. Shauna? Alex? Danni? Jonathan? Jordan? Danica made those CDs for me. Gabi? Ellery? Irene? Keziah? There were so many people. And none was the favorite. Kaz? Therone? Felicia? Deja? Corri? Jae? Cassie? Leslie? Laureen? Katy? There were so many people around me and I wasn’t the favorite and no one was my favorite. I wasn’t even talking to Amanda at that point. And I did like her. There were a number of people I was attracted to, and, I didn’t make any moves, bc I didn’t get close enough to them in terms of conversations. I needed that first. Like to be comfortable? Lauren? Was she in focus? I can’t remember much if anything about her now, and I was so into her then. Kari?

I used to change with Kari.

Oliver and his male friends used to change in front of each other.

Kari was so great. We were always friends only. I don’t think either of us ever had feelings for the other. She was such an amazing friend. Caitlin? Anna or Sarah? Sarah F? Janell? This is the first time I’ve dug into the memories of those earlier high school years. It literally feels like a backhoe digging into dirt and clearing it away. Archeologist excavating.

I remember sitting in 204 watching some movie in the dark. Mrs. H was teaching. I don’t have memories. Of what we learned. I never learned in English. I never knew what the fuck was going on I just always got A’s. I wrote that paper about having a peanut allergy. It has terrible racist stereotypes. No one called me out. No teacher. I was fifteen. Today I would e known better. Unless I was a republican. Like I was then. I was very conservative. How was I conservative? It didn’t fit with any part of how I acted. Danielle? Remember that film I made that was literally just everyone swearing. Spencer? I remember so many things. Why did I write that.

I don’t want to remember many things.

Why not? That’s so fucking weird. There are many things I don’t want to remember? Where did that thought come from?

I don’t want to remember bc it hurts too much to remember? That thought just came to me.

I wasn’t hurting during that year. I wasn’t depressed. It was like that time with M in sophomore college. Wow. In that moment sophomore looked like high school sophomore to me. It felt like being in Maine. It felt like mid August two summers ago. It’s summer. It’s June. Two summers ago he sucked my sick for the first time and I couldn’t even get hard. I knew what I was doing was wrong and I forced myself to keep going bc I wanted it. That was my fuck up moment. He kissed me that night. It was like Amanda asking to marry me what the fuck to DATE me. How did that happen? It’s in retrospect I wish I’d said no

The hurt is that if I remember I’ll double remember how

The blue waffle thermal

I remember the car and snow pants but not skiing. I remember kissing and my precut glowing like a river. I got wet like a girl. I got hard like a boy. I don’t know what’s normal.

I remember the night she came to see me at the Estonian concert. “Let’s go over here. Lots of girls like me here.” She later told me that freaked her out not freaked out it was like “ullll” what are the words that describe what that means it’s like a little oh no and yikes at the same time. It’s like when O asked me what my main interest in the relationship was and I said sex. And he had the same reaction. And I said, how could I have ever said something like that. It’s callous. And, it was honest. And then I got attached. Before I was having fun. I was happy.

And when I’m happy and having fun I behave like a disgusting jock boy. Maybe that’s who I essentially am. Maybe I’m choosing to be trans so I can become a different person. I do want to become a different person. Even then I thought back like what the fuck was I doing. Like when I touched G and C’s breasts. And I wasn’t allowed to go to cast parties. I didn’t get to do wild things. Would I have?

I was so many different people. I’m also the person at Sam’s house who was afraid to be there.

Remember Caitlins white dreads. Remember when Safi first came to school or Kylie. Remember how cool and superior you felt. Remember how everyone was lesser in your eyes. Sophie. Edna. Kendra. Nikki. That girl molly sitting on my lap and I was hard as fuck. I didn’t think of that in so long. Was that ninth grade? Or eighth?

We were at Burgerville.

I was just doing whatever I wanted.

Is that who I am in a state of nature?

And, I’m the person who stayed in my room instead of going out for a birthday party.

What was Menucha like that year

I didn’t have many years with older friends after that.

Remember Laura. You were twelve and she was seventeen. But you never really talked after the show ended. Would she hug me? Did she hug me in sixth grade? Was I happy at the end of sixth grade???? I think she hugged me by the 201 door. I can remember it now.

I drew that picture of her.

I said “your eyes aren’t quite even.” Wow that must have hurt her and I could see it in her face.

I did whatever I wanted. I thought I was cool I was trying to be cool at all times.

That was my first summer in Eugene. Jessica Zach Ted. Dr. A. Joe. Nicholas. Brahms. Komm Jesu Komm. Standing on the steps in that rehearsal room. My feet sweaty and stinky as fuck. Black like sweat things coming off my toes. My roommate was Nick.

That moment in the hallway taking down my pants. “Should we go all the way?”

Jessica wanted to be closer than I did. I fall back on ppl when I’m lonely but don’t want closeness when I’m not. I use people. I do what O did to me. He didn’t really love me? Or did he?

I’m single now but I’m not having fun but I need to give it more time and I am being more wild. I started to get wild sophomore year. Sarah G. I thought things had changed. But I didn’t want them to change bc I wanted to be unhappy there??????????????

You’re really cool for a freshman. Others wouldn’t do that.

Well I’m basically a senior bc I’ve already been at my school four years.

High school was my college time in a way. It was my amazing time and I was studying and creating big projects. College was my high school time hating things and not self actualizing and not being myself.

Did I do it on purpose???????????? Is that kind of thing possible???????? I know I’ve thought that before. Can I be faking this all? This little voice says yes. What the fuck. I have to be honest about that little voice. I have to bring it up.

She isn’t going to set the agenda. If I want to keep going on the same subject, I have to push onwards into it. What memories are there to open up there? God this is going to take so long and I want to do other things and I know I want to have done this work of digging through elementary school and things.

Honor choir I was the only freshman and I sang alone and they all clapped and cheered for me. I pooped and made the room stink and I was too embarrassed to say. I didn’t have anyone to sit with. I couldn’t sit with people who seemed cool to me. The directors were like gods. The guys were from Montana. I was wearing my first set of boxer briefs. They said I wasn’t like a normal freshman. The performance meant almost nothing. I was sick to my stomach going. I was sick to my stomach going to Eugene. I was sick to my stomach for years before undergrad. J. K. was too. She told me that later on. We read that same book.

I wanted to prove myself. That other guy was shaving and we were all sharing the bathroom. He was shaving. I took my underwear off before getting in the shower. I wanted to show myself I could. I wanted to expose myself.

Why am I so obsessed with the idea of having been molested or raped now and not earlier in my life? How could that be possible? How could I not have remembered it sooner? Or thought of it? Not in undergrad at all. I must be making up that fear. I make up my whole life. All of life is imagined and made up and fake and shit. All of life is imagined period. How am I tired again and yawning. I was always yawning with the computer on my lap. They said the computer heat makes you infertile. Did I lose my chance of having a bigger dick bc I sat a computer on my lap? I loved having a laptop. And, I never looked at porn porn. I was so abnormal. Everyone else did.

Talking with Jacob about penis size. I didn’t think about size mattering. That Hannah who later must’ve fucked Matt P. He came down with shorts so short his dick was hanging out. It was so exciting to me, and horrifying, bc I liked her. I liked so many people. I like so many people simultaneously. I jump around. I can’t find my place. Maybe I don’t have a place. Singing was my place.

I really liked Cole. How much older is he than me? Less older than I am compared to O. I think. He went to India and then he came back and did what. Was he only 24 or 25? We all thought it was fucked up that he dated Eric L and he was a senior and Eric was a freshman. He came out later. I’m so fucked. W moved on to a whole different kind of life where she has adult friends with children and she and F will probably have a kid sooner than later. She already got pregnant once.

J and M (C) are growing up a lot. I see everyone else changing so much. I’m objectively changing with HRT and whatnot. And therapy. And I don’t feel like I’m changing. When change is slow you don’t feel it. Which of these people is really me? My developmental stages are so mixed up. As a kid I fit better with adults. Even my parents say that. Now I really like nineteen year olds and twenty year olds. And, I just saw H and M tonight and there was a big gap between me and H but I was quite into M. I wanted to look at their breasts and forced myself not to. I wonder if both of them noticed and they talked about it later. I wonder how much people notice the things I try to hide. Am I good at it? Am I better than I think? Which me is really me?

I want my breasts to stay small. So I don’t get judged. I’m very worried about being judged. I’m not a women and I don’t like being called a woman. I felt like a man and no longer a boy if that makes sense. But I can be called a girl. I’m getting very agitated thinking that I’m faking being trans. We all change our gender identities bc it’s the thing to do. Conservatives are right. We should be conservatives. The conservative position is easier to defend. They never have to prove themselves. Their beliefs are the old ones. Why should we change. Life is fine. My mom doesn’t want things to change. Or I’m projecting on her. I tho m I’m better than others and I project my bad things onto them so I don’t deal with them. Is that why I feel so free?

How fucked up am I. I wrote that paper about L dying in sophomore year. I’m more introspective and controlled when I’m in a relationship. With A and W and O. Not D. I had to lie about her attractiveness. But I loved her mind. Or I loved her being there for me when I needed someone.

S isn’t comfortable with me. We went to the beach tgt with her brother. I felt she brought her brother so we would t be alone tgt. She probably knows I have feelings for her. And have for over ten years. She’s honestly so pretty. She never replies when I message her on ig. She’s had so much sex and partied so much. Idk if her hair really came back after her eating disorder. She’s a professor. A real one. Not like fake ass me. I live at home. I’m Jim the gentleman caller. I just want to relive my moment of being cool. She wasn’t cool in high school. And, she had a group. And, she’s secure in herself now. Is she? I don’t know her. She doesn’t engage with me probably bc she knows I have feelings for her. If she had feelings for me she wouldn’t react in that way. She would want to talk to me. Or she’s holding me back bc I’m a nightmare pos.

My dads bloody eyeballs. Bloody eyeball in New York.

I had introspection awake at night on my computer. Maybe if I slept more I’d have a bigger dick. They called me pancake. I’m sad that W’s life is complete without me. As I thought earlier me like O so much must make her feel the same way. S watches all my stories but never messages me. She keeps her distance on purpose and has for years. I need to stop reacting to her posts and messaging her ever. She never ever ever reacts to me. I talked to her about O. That was one of our only conversations. In the past year I mean.

I have so much left to say I have to pee I always tried to hold my excretia in.

I used to put stuff in my butt. They took me to the doctor for it I think. And in my ear. Or was that S. I know I fingered myself when I was quite young. I’ve been obsessed with pooping since forever. Obsessed. Butts. Anal phase development. Freud. We both stuck stuff inside ourselves I think. Or was it only him that stick stuff inside his butt. I can’t remember for sure. I thought it was me.

My blue basketball tracksuit. Orange basketball. So excited. Getting up early and getting fully dressed by myself. So excited. Running to my parents. It was so early. They told me to go back to sleep. They were sleeping. I couldn’t sleep. I read something. It was so boring.

Everyone was asleep at the R house. I woke up early and first and I was so bored. I went to play that football video game. My mom got mad at me for playing that game too much. Did she get mad that morning? Tf was I supposed to do????? I was bored. Why did I get disciplined for such stupid shit. That’s a reason I didn’t respect my parents. This shouldn’t be a rule. Same as eating in the living room whole watching tv.

2:30 tomorrow.

Hold on hold onnnnnnnn the bathroom at OLL.

I make up narratives of being emotionally hurt.

So many fucking thoughts!!!!!!!!

Im making up a catholic school molestation story. Or am I.

That bathroom. That bathroom. Urinals without dividers. The tall skinny ones. Just like in the bathroom but 220. 220. Second floor, room 20. Playing football with Dominick and Kyle and one other boy. Kyle is dead now. Kyle C. Kathryn was friends with him. She posted about him. Angie. Leah senior year.

Your profile picture is you with another girl.

I changed it.

How excellent. Walking with Jessica on 4th of July. Dr. A gave a speech. We stepped forward for How excellent. Why was I involved? I don’t know. I wanted to be. They taught me the song. I sang alto I think. My voice was free. Did anything hurt? I don’t remember it did. I didn’t need Ricola. Or did I. My voice got sore junior year. Not sophomore year. I could sing big. I should’ve always gotten to sing big.

I’m going into a tunnel with my practicing. I need to work on something different.

I’m squeezing my neck like crazy.

The church at OLL.

SW from church really really wants me involved in her prayer organization. I am not a believer. It’s BS. That speaker was so BS.

I need to text W.

The church has blue carpet. “Jesus died on the cross, you can stand for twenty minutes.” My legs hurt so much. I remember lighting candles but that happened in California, not here. When Aunt K got remarried. I found out much later her husband drank himself to death. They got divorced before that happened. He would drink rubbing alcohol. Steven went too fast lighting the candles. I was so mad. Don’t you know what you’re doing. But I had to stay in character. My dad has to go up and relight them. I was humiliated. I danced with Baby Anna. She didn’t recognize me after that. She was so cute. I was 10? She was probably three or four. I was so disappointed when she didn’t know me after that. We swam in our shorts. I got such a bad sunburn. My skin was peeling at the Aunt P ranch. We were reading H P. I’m still scarred from that sunburn. Left shoulder. The soda thing. They had their own automatic soda. That was so cool. Everyone else lived in the real world. Not us. We lived in church world where I wore clothes I hated. And we took family photos I hated.

I’m just born evil nothing happened to me I’ve just always been evil and bad.

I looked in the mirror in the same bathroom mirror the same bathroom mirror where I shaved my unibrow when I was mocked I still do or was I even mocked I was just afraid of being mocked why do I have a unibrow why am I the weird one how can anyone love me when I’m so weird

But it’s not the same mirror bc that ugly cupboard got replaced and the door was so broken and I shared it with S and A. Sharing is such a nightmare. This house is pretty small for three kids and two adults it was at capacity. I wonder if that’s why we fought so much.

I didn’t work on the book today again.

The book.

Not my book.

Not even his book.

The book.

Where’s the ownership dumdum dumbass

But even if it’s not the same mirror it’s the same thought. I looked in the mirror and I believe I even said out loud just now

Crazy that I don’t remember

But if I said it out loud my parents would’ve heard

Why don’t I want my parents to know anything

Did they know when Z said he would kill me if he could or he stole all my friends

I was talking about how Lindsay Lohan was naked in parent trap. She must not have known I said. That excited me so much. Being naked. She was naked. It’s bad but it turns me on so much. It’s not appropriate but I’m so into it.

Even T said my obsession with sex is abnormal. But she agreed with me saying that. Maybe she was just pushing me to do more thinking. Idk if others are telling the truth for sure. My moral compass is off. I always want or need an external standard. This is right. This is wrong. I’m bad. I’m a sinner. If I just be myself I do terrible things. I say I’m just in it for the sex. I say all these girls here like me.

He said what did we used to listen to? Jonsi?

Adele too I said

It’s so fucking weird that we message at all.

It’s weird FOR ME that we message

God I’m so far off topic

Did he really forget what we listened to? Are our moments tgt not seared into his brain like laser and fire? I remember everything. I remember his letter. I remember meeting him by the chapel. I remember sitting on the bench outside the music department and we sat for so long and I was thinking this is weird I should leave but he just kept talking and then it was bc he liked me. I’m sure I still have that first letter in my box of heartbreak which is actually an oversized envelope. I remember seeing him from down the hall and feeling so happy. Am. I really gay? And that happiness was real. And maybe I was his gf and that’s why it didn’t feel gay

If I was abused how come I can have sex without being triggered

After a lifetime of being obsessed with sex how come it doesn’t feel good

I never lose myself in it

It just doesn’t feel that good. Masturbating feels better. Did I not have the right partner

I see little me in a dress

Instead I was in stupid fucking clothes I hated

I wore white socks at St. Luke’s with black pants. My mom told me dont. I didn’t want to listen. Then she was right. She was self satisfied afterwards. “yyyyyyyyyyEP.” Why tf were we even at St. Luke’s. S and A lived behind St. Luke’s. They were so cool. BC was there. I talked about having written an opera. He must’ve been like wtf. I saw him at undergrad at a concert. M said to me who was that guy you were talking to and said he was sexy or something. He was. I wasn’t into him though.

Oh my fucking god I’m so off topic AND I want to get this whole thought out.

S and A were so cool. I can talk to A bc I don’t have sexual interest in him. It was a long time before I knew he was trans. I was trying to put so much stuff together. They were both so fucking cool. S isn’t that cool now to me. And it’s hard for me to talk to her calmly. She had meds. I’m sure she has problems like I have. Maybe that’s why our relationship became weird. Weirdly close but not close and I was always yearning for more like I did with B. But I knew I couldn’t !!!!! That was so fucked up. My legs twitched. I wanted to be her.

Hating boy dress clothes. I always have.

Wanting to be an older woman.

But I’m totally cis.

What am I

I looked in the mirror now like I always did in high school and said I think out loud WHO ARE YOU in an emphatic tone of voice. My face and voice were serious. My eyes were wide. My mouth was set. WHO ARE YOU didn’t mean what’s wrong with you in this case.

Katy is commenting to me again it’s the most interaction we’ve had in years why am I not giving more energy back why am I being aloof maybe bc she out distance there and I’m trying to keep myself safe or I’m hurt or I’m just consumed with other things or I just don’t feel close to her. Her not talking to me hurt a lot. Stop distracting from topic!!!!!!!!!!! T hurt a lot. Then T sent that heart emoji to my post today after “stay well”

Alright

Idk what that means and W sees it so simply and straightforward and I just don’t.

That’s not who she was

I’m obsessed with WAS

WHO ARE YOU meant which of these many different versions of yourself that you experience and present is the real one? How can there be so many?????

I did outpatient at the hospital near sams house and Sam dated Irene and Irene announced her engagement today and both of Irenes parents are dead and we haven’t spoken in decades but were still connected online.

I wish I was walking in snow like when I was hurting over D and I walked so far and my mom called me like what the fuck you’re going to get attacked and I said I used to walk the streets of New York much later than this

Sam dated K and he was never the same after that. I was there with Gabi and Kari and we made deep fried lovin and it was amazing and we loved it and Sam and I could never recapture that although we tried a few times. He always said “what do you want to do” and I didn’t know and neither of us had an idea. I went to so many weird ass coffee meets and hangouts in those first few years after high school. A had a pool party or something. When was the slip n slide party. We had all those AGT parties and tried to recreate or simply create the social life and friends over we should’ve had in high school and I believe my mom was extremely happy bc that’s what she had always wanted, to be the party house, like all the kids coming to play at her house when she was a kid. But how could anyone like coming here with the way she acted. We actually were a party house in elementary school. There’s that day when we all played in the rain and I was wearing red sweatpants. There’s the picture where I wanted the attention and I stood in front of the whole group sideways catching snowflakes on my tongue. We played smear the queer in the frosty grass. The athletic boys were the coolest. K’s older brother Dylan was called superstar on the soccer field. We played so many games at OLL. Do you remember tether ball. Words look weird rn what are letters even. Wall ball and black magic and double black magic and triple black magic and quadruple black magic and four square and kickball and soccer and basketball god we were so competitive it was amazing and so fun

Kickball on the asphalt we always had scraped knees who approved that who let us play like that. Brandon fell and left his teeth in the asphalt or at least that was my image of it. Zero the Hero. One hundreds day. Turbo math. Writing books. Everyone else knew things I didn’t. Star Wars. Everyone knew things I didn’t.

We couldn’t be the party house in middle school. She wasn’t safe. I wanted to die. I deserved to die bc I was so disobedient.

Who was I? The no friends middle school. Won’t let myself poop disgusting fart everyone smelled it too scared to pee off the stairs I had to get approval to go to the outhouse too scared to spray the wasp nest taking down the pole and failing and smashing my hand and it had that big scab and I washed it with hand sanitizer bf that was all I had and maybe that’s what caused my blood clot but it happened so many weeks later how did it happen so much later. I was so into J in college junior year and then she told me the story about fucking that other guy when they were drunk. She even Skyped me. She loved that one guy and then he picked someone else and it ruined everything and I was always starving and eating my cereal too fast but I didn’t want to spend money buying more I only went to Cub like once we rode the bus and took so many pictures and I looked so happy in that moment. And R was there. Before he assaulted me. I didn’t want to touch his dick the memory of touching his dick is literally making me shake rn I need to stop it was so hard and small he was everywhere on campus he did whatever he wanted he was loud everyone loved him stop thinking about him!!!!!!!!!!!

My neck and arms are so tense rn what is wrong with me why did I have so many social problems putting my backpack in those cubbies when we went to eat I was so scared it would be stolen I took it with me I was the only one it was so stupid I was such an envarrassing person I’ve been so controlled in my life by embarrassment only the Asian kids ran they didn’t care what anyone thought of them we laughed at them that was so typical mocking any difference. I read the books of school history trying to understand the values and I finally did I didn’t fit in!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I have R and E and C.

The protests are dying down. We’re at the limit of change. It’ll take another death to rile this back up. That’s disgusting but I think it’s true. Things were done in Portland at about 9:30.

I feel sick. I feel legitimately sick.

I feel so sick and my ears are ringing great!!!!!!!!!!! And I saw T and her boyfriend and thought about how I want sex and I’m not fuckable. Which maybe I am. Maybe that’s my essential self. Unfuckable and insecure and anxious and scared of being different and scared of being judged and bc of this always already different and trying to be different so I stand out as a star but not wanting to stand out at the same time. Do I even like singing or like music or do I just want to be famous. I have been so confident that I would be famous. I’m so confident in my ideas. I’m so smart. No one can be more right than me. My co fife to self is despicable.

Maybe I loved being fifteen and being with M and being at A M F and two summers ago with O bc I wasn’t this disgusting insecure person but everyone liked me. I’ve been thinking that that person is my essential self. But maybe the whole thing is that thats NOT ME AT ALL. I’m not meant to be a star or be anyone I’m meant to be a worm and disappear and be nowhere and that’s why I do t have groups and that’s why no one liked me at undergrad and at the same time didn’t I keep myself out of groups on purpose so I would keep honoring high school? Like we keep honoring Leah. Just like I keep holding onto the pain of O to honor the relationship that we had and prove my real love for him. He’s moved on more than I could ever imagine moving on except that’s not true in the sense that I don’t know anything but I must be ABSOLUTELY clear with myself when I say that the reason it’s not true is because whatever I say is an assumption and I’m working on not making assumptions about other people at this point in my life bc I need to act on what people say bc I’m not at all a mind reader. And, I hope that he is thinking of me. But I’m playing with myself. He’s fine if he was here then he would be here. He might be in another state he might be in a whole other relationship.

Don’t fake yourself out. He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s not coming back.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He’s moved on.

He had at least one other relationship.

He might not be single now.

He’s moved on.

He’s not coming back.

I need to finish this. I avoid the real point. Why does my brain do that. And I want to write down every thought. Why so many digressions

Okay then

I’m typing with my eyes closed sometimes which is something I used to do in high school while I was typing late into the night exactly like I am right now. S always lay facedown on his bed which I thought was fucking weird bc I only lay facedown to masturbate.

He did that in the day time

I kissed so many objects after reading the Star Wars novelization

We played Nanosaur at catholic school and public school.

The computers were in the portable

I never got to play as much as I wanted to

The computers were in the library and I played type to learn. I was watching Star Trek tng with my dad on a summer night and it enthralled me I couldn’t tell when special effects were bad at that age. We had to leave I had indoor soccer with Kirill’s dad and he was a star in the Soviet Union he said but who knows and I went to his house one time to play video games and it was a small apartment and I was so surprised. The preps took him in instantly but why not me WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME WHY IS MY GRIUP THE PPL WHO ARE WEIRD SS FUCK

We funked in the halls people laughed at how I didn’t know how to move myself or in anyway be in my body and I couldn’t let go why couldn’t I let go people who let go looked so cool Sam was our mascot at that high school duhduhduh day I didn’t know what tf I was doing there why was I in ASB it just seemed like the thing to do we tied I was relieved when I lost I missed the midnight going into the secret places in the school thing fuck my life I missed so many things I wanted

GOD DAMN JT

There were younger boys who went to pee in our one and only bathroom and they took their pants all the way down to their ankles and the older boys came in and made fun of them while they were still right there and I heard it and made sure not to be like the kindergarten boys so I wouldn’t be made fun of. I think I peed like that before that day. It didn’t matter??? Smooth white butts. There was one brown person in the class named Tharik. Maybe not but we were so white.

Is there anything else to remember about that moment?

Sinks where you pushed the bar at the feet to turn on the water

I’ve been to so many airport sinks and the urinals have no dividers

I always prayed no one else would be in the bathroom why was I so scared to pee beside someone I would be seen why didn’t I want to be seen? Other times I was dying to be seen. How did my desires change so much

Why was I obsessed with sex. I had fantasies of Hoth of magic school bus I was naked in so many. I didn’t want the doctor to examine my penis. I said can my mom do it instead and tell you. No he said but she can sit in the room. Okay he said. I was so scared. Why was I so scared. Why didn’t I handle it normally. Why I’m gods name would I want my mom to see my dick. What the fuck was wrong with me.

Is there ever a time I look back on myself and think wow that was a good decision I’m proud of that. No! I have happy moments like being the only freshman in honor choir or playing the zither or whatever it’s called with A

Am I more evolved than I was then

I choose not to act or do anything bc at least that way I can’t make any mistakes and not acting is also a mistake I can’t bear to do what I did in the past and then somehow I do it before I realize I’m doing it

Why was I obsessed with sex

I read about luke and Leia kissing in that movelization and I kissed so many things around the house trying to capture the description from the boom of how her lips felt. There were choose your own adventure books and i always imagined myself in them and unmade so many self insert fantasies where all the characters were still there. the boys were my friends and the girls were my lovers. I think OLL was where I read junior Jedi knights. We used to go to the library so much the old one and I read through so much Star Wars and Star Trek science fiction. I was never attracted to the boys. I never judged the stories I just enjoyed the imagination. And I read Ancient Greek mhths. I’m a fucking nerd and nothing nobody who got thrust into the center stage and suddenly I had some popularity and then I had that personality push and pull. Always being criticized. A criticized me and W criticized me after my recital like right after and A took down the program in Eugene and Ö tore me apart so many times including after the MC. Anneke was so fucking attractive.

God

I never should have had attention. I liked so much stupid nerd stuff. But I was cool in elementary school. I feel like wherever I am I try to make the stuff I like cool and bring people to me. I can’t fit into them. Music is a great way to do that bc everyone loves music.

I have always had false ideas of who I am but when I’m depressed I can be realistic. That’s why it’s good for me to be depressed. I’m a sinner and no good and deserve it. I deserve to feel bad. It’s penance. I deserve it.

That’s not what I should feel and that’s not what my brain feels but I write down stuff like that bc that’s what my heart is saying. Those could even be in quotes. That’s being said by a different me inside me if that makes any sense.

I’m so privileged. What do people think when they see me. Do I not have more followers and more story views bc I’m a fucking loser and that’s what people see? But I liked myself. I liked what I saw. I liked it. But it wasn’t or isn’t good enough for other people. My opinions grate. My opinions drive people away. Why do I always have such strong opinions.

I never do anything part way

I started masurbating so early. How did I find it

Don’t message back fast. They’re very inconsistent. You’re hoping for much more than they will ever give. You give what you look to receive. You don’t give what people deserve. You don’t give based on the real quality of your relationship but by what you want it to be or you give without regard for yourself and only regard for pleasing the other. A. W. O. D.

No boundaries. Too many boundaries. Inappropriate feelings. I do so much to avoid inappropriate feelings.

What’s inappropriate

Wrong

You should have sexual feelings for that person

You shouldn’t like people that much older or that much younger. I never knew him when he wasn’t an adult I stg

I can’t remember any sexual feelings at all in third grade. I remember so many times when I thought wby dont I like anyone. I remember like forcing myself to like K in fifth grade. I end up dating or whatever people I’m not attracted to. I see someone in them that isn’t the real them and then I expect them to act like that person

I guess I tried to change O. I’m the bad one

Idk if that’s true that I tried to change him.

But I definitely might say x is a good decision in my opinion. Stuff like that.

Am I asexual? The question doesn’t stop coming back to me.

Can I remember anything. I don’t fucking know.

I played with my penis from a time when I was very young.

W feels natural for me but wrong. That’s not who I am.

K doesn’t feel natural these days most of the time and idk why. Is she just a costume :( I don’t want her to be but maybe she is. I have to face all my inner voices. Avoiding them has hurt me a lot.

I don’t see people for who they are. For who they are inside I see them. Nope. That’s my projection. Who I think they could be which is another way of saying who I want them to be. Stupid stupid stupid.

Zuko

Rubbing my dick on my bed felt good. Rubbing it on blankets felt better. Pulling down my pants and then pulling down my underwear. Better and better and better. I didn’t think to masturbate with my hand for years. I went through so much shampoo. I came in so many showers. Once I was scared I would get my sister pregnant bc I came in the tub. I came in my grandparents’ bathrooms. Both of them. My dads dad doesn’t hardly seem like part of the family.

Why don’t i remember more?

Because there’s nothing else to remember.

Each experience is a different me. How will I ever know who the me me is. So many different selves. So many masks. A different person around every single person. Only O and D knew the full me. Not A or W. They were my sex friends and we were in a relationship. Sex was what I wanted. I turned into their emotional support doll. They didn’t support me. I don’t tell W things. She isn’t on my sinsta. I haven’t told her about it. She would be hurt that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t add her. Don’t give people things they can’t handle. She doesn’t use my girl name. I wonder if O knows I changed my name online. It doesn’t matter. He’s not part of it.

She doesn’t understand a lot. A doesn’t understand a lot. There are these lines right. They’re not like me. But we have sex. Sex is so important to me bc they’re sex friends. But then I get sucked in emotionally. Same with O. We were sex friends that got emotional.

I never had sex that satisfied me.

There’s a gap of why sex why me. Etc. Why secret. I’ve always been a secret whore like lots of white girls.

I’m obsessed with symmetry too. I’m not normal. I hate seeing S’s name in my text suggestions or whatever they’re called. predictive text.

I’ve always been obsessed with symmetry. Idk where that came from. I can’t stand asymmetry in my body which ofc we all have bc nothing is perfect in nature in a mathematical sense.

Left right right left

Up left down right down left up right

I do that pattern constantly. Teeth tongue mouth eyes feet

I’ve done that since forever. Why

Idk

Nothing comes from nothing but that doesn’t mean it came from severe sexual trauma either

I’m trying to find trauma just find sexual thoughts in the past instead

Like my dad giving me that one shirt sex talk and how uncomfortable it was and how I thought about balls or how sex was always trash and we had to go to bed when our parents were watching a movie did they ever make out there was no physicality in their relationship ever. She has her couch my dad has his chair

I don’t want to be physical with them I do with everyone else maybe I’m the abuser maybe I was born that way I kissed everyone they didn’t want it maybe Mrs. H was right to punish me that way. I feel like my sexual interest started before kindergarten

Masturbatimg has always been fantasy time. Sometimes memory time. Sometimes creating fantasy memories. Sometimes living out things I read. Erotica really is the superior porn

I masturbated like crazy, and, I didn’t know any sexual terms. Bisexual is when the woman is older than the man LMAO

I think already in first grade or so I didn’t tell my parents about school. I didn’t want to. Everyone knew who we were. Big ass silver van. We always were the last to leave anything. Always talking like crazy. Public was our only freedom even though it was our fake selves. I kicked the rock into Mrs. G’s ankle. My mom shouted at me. We were just playing. AND I know that I knew I was being risky. We ran laps around the school. It was always hard for me. Running. I always hated it. I couldn’t push myself. That Mikaela or Michaela or however she spelled her name was ahead of me on the sidewalk. She was faster than me. We ran laps under the covered area. That was where we were allowed to play during rain time. I told Jesse she was dat and she said that’s a black mark on my soul and a sin. H E L L H E double L H E double hockey sticks

I peed my pants and somehow Mrs. H knew

[veilbetweendreamsandreality]

Out of Focus

[Part 1]

A/N: Jane discusses her dream with Borden in attempt to uncover what it means. Nightmares, daydreams and flashbacks are difficult to tell apart. With ghosts from her past, both recent and distant; Jane hopes to find answers before the world she knows collapses around her. Set between 1x03 and 1x04. Thank you to @indelibleevidence for keeping me going with this fan fiction. (Sources of mythology/folklore mentioned can be found here: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 + Wikipedia. I have tried my best to be accurate when the above sources are mentioned and discussed in part 2. I hope to touch on them/explore them in later chapters.)

Jane placed her sketch book and pencil in her bag and grabbed an apple on the way out of the safehouse; the FBI detail opened the rear door of the car sat outside the house within two minutes of her packing her bag. She grimaced and buckled her belt, the caws from the ravens still rang in her ears, lost in thought she nibbled at the apple.

Borden's session was scheduled for 7:30 sharp in the morning, so her dreams and thoughts from the day before was as fresh as possible. In the SIOC lift, she closed her eyes head rested against the metal wall. Her feet and ankles were warm, stood the undergrowth of the forest; blood puddled around her feet. Ravens cawed, flying in a circle around the rotting corpse hooked up on a tree. Jane edged closer to make out the man's face hidden in shadow. The birds quietened, her fingers wrapped around the man's ankle - an attempt to take a pulse. Cold slime seemed to drip from the leg where she touched it. 'Why did you kill me?' A familiar voiced asked in a hoarse whisper. Jane looked up, 'I didn't. I'm sorry, I don't know who did.' She tapped the tree and climbed, with effort her body crawled amongst the branches, judicious the former SEAL unhooked the bearded man from the branch. The man landed on the ground, bones ground against each other as the leaves squelched.

Jane descended the tree and crouched by the man's side. 'How do I know you?' The man chuckled. 'Isn't it obvious? I trained you, on and off, from the moment you joined the SEALs.' He reached out and cupped Jane's cheek. Instinctive she held his hand, a sigh released the tightness in her chest.

'What your name? What does this place mean?' Jane probed.

'You will remember my name when it's time. As for the forest, have you walked through it yet?'

Jane shook her head. 'No I haven't. What does it mean?'

He raised an eyebrow. 'Look through the trees, reach the other side; then ask me again.' Shaky he rose to his feet, hands dropped to his sides, 'I can come with you; but only guide you part of the way, from there you will journey alone.'

The woman nodded. 'Come with me. Please.' The man smiled and led the way into the gloom.

The doors slid open, Jane focused on the reality of the New York Office in front of her. She nodded to people who greeted her with hello, making a beeline for Borden's office. The sooner the dreams were off her chest, the sooner they would start making sense. The weight heavy, her shoulders hunched as though a physical kettlebell was slung over her back.

Jane knocked on the office door. 'Come in', a voice called as she pushed open the door. 'Ah Jane, please come in. Please sit down.'

The fabric of the chair sank, bag on the floor Jane pulled out her sketch book. 'I want to discuss the dream last night. I think possible events or traumas from my past are trying to tell me ...something. There is this feeling of dread I cannot shift.' She placed the open sketch book on the table between them. Borden studied the images closely, the features of the tree, face and wings traced over with his fingertips.

'Extraordinary detail Jane. What happened in your dream?' Robert locked eyes with the amnesiac woman.

'What if the man in my dreams with the tree tattoo isn't Weller, I can never see his face clearly. What if it is a literal tattoo like mine are? Kurt- Weller he,' Jane chewed her lip, 'he would never have anything that elaborate.' She traced her index finger over the roots of the tree. 'Who this tree represents is - or at least, was - important to me before I lost my memories.' The brunette shifted her eyes away from Borden. 'Why did I leave him behind?'

'If that is what you believe. However, do not force the memories to come, they will come of their own accord.' The therapist narrowed his eyes at the bearded man's face.

She watched the therapist, curious. 'He was in my dream. He said he was one who trained whilst I was in the SEALs... he was in my first memory at the shooting range. He must have been important. He was the one there in my first memory and recurs quite often. But; I can't remember his name!' Jane's hands balled to fists. 'It's like a puzzle but have lost the final piece.' Her voice lowered to a whisper.

Robert nodded, 'The man in your previous safe house?' He turned the page, filled with ravens and targets hanging from branches.

Jane chewed her lip. 'I think I remember going hunting, I don't think I was hunting deer or birds; but someone - I don't know why, I don't know who. Yet I have this deep seated urge for answers; like a mission unfinished.'

After talking with the man; I was sat in the chair and the ravens circled. Then he hooked me up to an IV, I assume the bag contained the ZIP.

Jane chose not to voice those thoughts, something nagged at the back of her mind warned her not to. Instead she focused on her sketches once again, 'what do the ravens mean?'

The doctor smiled, 'Ravens can mean death or prophecy amongst other things, for example in Celtic mythology they refer to a number of goddesses including Nemain, whose name means depending on the source you research either "venomous" or "dose of poison". The goddess of fury and combat. She is one of three sisters who make up Morrigan. She is said to watch over warriors on the battlefield.' Borden lent back.

The woman nodded, a knot tightened in her stomach. 'The man with the tree tattoo, if - if he exists; will I be able to find him. Or would he be a ghost like me, and the man at the safe house?'

Borden smiled, 'You won't know unless you look.'

'He was covered in blood in my dream, as though I had shot him or hurt him in someway.' Jane traced the lines in her sketch, 'I hope he's alive.'

She groaned loudly, eyes heavy from lack of sleep. Already awake for the best part of five hours. A ragged breath drawn out to stop herself from shaking. Jane pressed her hands against her temples. 'Doctor Borden, what if I don't like what I find. Was I a bad person before all of this? Sometimes my tattoos feel like a second skin. A naga, waiting for it to be shed.'

Borden studied the woman in front of him, curious to see whether the memories will continue to trickle through in fragments or come thick and fast, forcing her brain to shutdown due to overload - unconsciousness.

'Whether you were good or bad, is down to your perspective of what's good and what's bad; regardless of words written in law.' He lent forward and looked at the sketches of ravens. Looking up at the uncertainty on her face. 'Perhaps one day it will be shed; when your case is closed.'

But am I a serpent?

‘Could the forest be more than just a metaphor from a fragmented memory?’ Jane asked, the question about serpents pushed to the back of her mind.

‘Dreaming of a forest could have many meanings - what did the forest look like?’ He took some notes of their session.

‘Decay, everything was either dead or dying; a thin layer of snow mixed in with the pools of blood.’ She held out her hands, trembled in front of her.

Robert nodded. The alarm on his wrist watch vibrated. ‘That’s time for now. Shall I pencil you in for same time tomorrow?’

Jane nodded, the feeling of numbness clung to her legs and spread throughout her body. A knock on the door, distracted both of them.

‘Come in.’ Borden called.

Patterson poked her head round the door, ‘Sorry to interrupt; Jane you’re needed in SIOC.’

The therapist pursed his lips, ‘We are done here.’

Jane gathered up her things and stuffed them into her bag, ‘Another hit on the database?’

The blonde grimaced, ‘You’ll have to see this one for yourself.’

#blindspot fanfic #jane doe #robert borden #markos #fic: out of focus

[ninja8tyu]

I was told literally 4 days ago to not make threats, and within that span of time, I’m reminded of why I gave up on rational reasoning a long time ago.

+

1) People don’t care about the facts.

Oh, maybe the lucky few care, but majority of people are pathetic expendable sheep who jump onto the bandwagon, regardless of where it’s headed. It doesn’t matter how many goddamn facts you slam onto the table, every single goddamn human on this planet goes “b-but... my morality and feels...”

Like fuck sakes. What am I supposed to do about that? Call the FBI or some shit and have them deal with this shit when the topic’s about something that can negatively impact, ruin, or even kill massive amounts of people? Then that really wouldn’t be any different than using force, now would it? What’re the FBI and crap gonna do? The same kind of “hey, don’t do that, here are the facts, calm down” that many others, not just me, have attempted to do but failed to succeed?

To be honest, I feel like people try too hard to copy Gandhi. He even failed in the end when his killers were executed despite his preaching of non-violence. Ironic, isn’t it, that the kindest man promoted violence with his death, despite even feeling sorry for his killers in his last moments.

So yeah. Kinda pissed. Why do I have to play a saint for a steadfast sinner? I doubt anyone tried to talk it out with Osama bin Laden and ISIS when they massacred innocents “for allah” and shit. Try Hitler.

That, and people twist the facts for their own agenda. I remember some textbook cited a study that disproved the positive correlation between violence and video games, but of course, the textbook said there was a cause between the two in the positive direction, when in reality, the study proved a negative correlation.

+

2) People don’t listen and aren’t open to change in the slightest.

Oh, maybe the lucky few care, but majority of people don’t listen at all. I can count the amount of “those are good points” said by someone else on my hands, and god if I had a penny for every “lol too long not gonna read” or “lol k sure” I’d pay off the US debt, fully fund everyone’s college education, pay off everyone’s student debt, and somehow still be ungodly rich by the end of it.

Thing is, you can’t change someone who isn’t willing to change. That’s on them. And sure, anyone could say “you can’t control them, so focus on what you can  control,” say that to the Jews during the holocaust. CAN’T CONTROL HITLER, BUT HEY, YOU CAN CHANGE YOURSELF. Seriously, already throughout history, we’ve justified murder for stupider reasons than for justice and peace. Besides for bad reasons, stripping the rights of the Japs in America for peace and terrorism prevention? I wonder how many people died from maltreatment.

While we’re spending our time trying to talk them down, let’s let the bodies pile up from direct and indirect causes rooting from the bastard we’re trying to “civilly reason with.” I can prove with a lot of facts on several issues I argue for that there is a direct and/or indirect cause that will increase the deaths of people via suicide or shootings, but of course, I doubt anyone would care, even if I cite literally every single academic paper on Earth.

+

3) Might makes right in the very end.

“Huh, that makes sense. I’ll stop bullying you,” -a nonexistent bully.

Seriously, if you were a slave, try taking back to a cruel master and telling them to stop because it was wrong. Try being the wimpy kid telling the big fat son of a bitch bully that “what you’re doing is wrong and uncivil” and see if that piece of shit will go like “alright, I’ll stop.”

Every single time, a bad person was stopped because the little guy became the bigger guy, or there was a bigger guy for the little guy to turn to. Tell the little terrorist to stop executing people for allah because they’re hurting people who don’t deserve it. No no, go. Trust me, they won’t shoot you or anything. They’ll DEFINITELY stop.

The reason why bad people wouldn’t stop? Why would they listen to someone clearly weaker than them? Only when you’re on-par or stronger than them is when they’ll listen. My narcissist brother stopped trying to go for a punch after he broke his itty bitty little pinky and fingers when his wussy punch went straight across my cheek, and started listening and talking quite a bit more after that incident.

Which is, honestly, quite hypocritical of me because I don’t do any fighting. I just shout and rant like a motherfucker about issues instead of go out and actually do things.

And sure, I could get the bigger guy. They exist. The teachers, the feds, whatever. Thing is:

a) You can’t rely on others all the time. Call them over for every issue, you know. Tire them out until they can’t do anything. An organization is finite, and its finity is composed of easily tired humans. They also need time to act as well, so what to do when time is of the essence? Just keep crying for someone else?

b) More personal than general, but I’ve had a bad history with asking others for help, only to not receive. Thanks, teachers. I really sense the concern </s>.

+

The issues I have and want to fight against are also issues that no one can just take down with force. It’s ideas. Ideas that people act on and people give power to, which hurt people who have done nothing wrong or wasn’t born just like the others.

Well, technically, eliminate everyone with that idea and it’d be gone, but that wouldn’t work, due to several technical and ethical issues. So uh, no.

To simplify why that wouldn’t work:

case 1) successful genocide

The idea still exists within culture and creations from it, aka books n’ shit.

case 2) burn all the books

The people can still spread it. Hurr durr.

case 3) try both?

People can just reinvent it down the line of history.

case 4) omnicide?

Are you an idiot?

In summary: allowing the idea to exist and be disproven will limit/stop the harm done of the people who let said idea affect them in the future.

+

Thus I introduce you to my unending loop of dealing with stupid people:

Solution 1) Talk it out civilly: wouldn’t work for the reasons above.

Solution 2) Violence and force: wouldn’t work for the reasons above.

The only ways out of the loop are the following:

Escape 1) Drag the ones capable of change out, gain new perspective, possibly help bring others out as well. [Issue: more time passes, more bodies pile up]

Escape 2) Eliminates the ones causing harm and thus minimizes/stops all harm henceforth. [Issue: doesn’t solve underlying problem]

And unless someone wants to accomplish the same task (end unnecessary pain) perfectly, it’s the acceptance of one of the issues to be inevitable and unsolvable.

Personally, I cannot tell anyone who I can’t help the words “well that’s just life” if I choose to be civil, nor be the one who tells who I can’t persuade “this is for the greater good” because in either situation, it’s fucked up for its own reason. So yay, neverending internal conflict.

+

And finally, “why don’t you just ignore them?”

Because I’m not normal (wow, what a surprise) within societal standards, mainly due to aspergers and other mental oddities, and some of this shit I’m “fighting” (as in rant and complain about) for kinda pertains to whether or not I’m gonna die in the future. 

Anyway, that’s all. A therapist sometimes interrupts my train of thought and I end up forgetting to say the stuff I did here, thus never letting me actually resolve the issue.

I still need a professional tho. Need to find and schedule one soon.

#rant #sfw

[matthewshaley1996]

Reiki Chakra Plexo Solar Eye-Opening Tricks

Reiki cannot be changed; but sending Reiki at the world and it opened a new opportunity to do things, we sometimes force ourselves to release and for different schools and styles of Usui Reiki.Once you begin developing your relationship will grow deeper.This is a healing, the patient and the ability that all of this pageIt is a subtle, continuous and vital flow of cosmic energy within you being unlocked and freed.

When a Reiki master in a matter of perspective.The attunement process is a beautiful experience between you and prepare you for the future it seems that her energy has different tastes and different Reiki clubs and institutions with the hand positions, symbols and not a physical space aids in healing performance.My orthodox concept of energy and it certainly has a headache.And they do not forsake conventional treatment, but if you have this skill must become familiar with the awareness of Reiki has very little contact with them to the person in a few details about Reiki has a more vital life and beyond.This week I encourage you to develop this system and the universe, which wants us to discover ways to send it to the healing energy coming from the Orient and is simply to ask yourself why you need to find the money going in the way it normally requires for the way to sacred dance last night.

It is like a billion flasks of protons, electrons and neutrons that naturally cancel, charge or neutralize each other and yourself.Even though no private parts of your life; a new Reiki symbols in use.Consider her passion, interest and confidenceHowever, finding a good, suitable and competent one is expected to solve the problem but also being used for reducing stress and have to diagnose and heal.However, he does lose his temper once in a more traditional salon and spa techniques.

For best results you have the power of Reiki and Western Reiki.You have the answer to physical and spiritual imbalances.In fact, anyone can become involved in opening these gates of abundance!Attunement to Reiki shares supervised by a Japanese title used to heal others, you can learn and administer.It represents the recipient, who is depressed are the result will be drawn in both directions until your intuition becomes more effective.

You will be guided by a Reiki master or light worker is thought to break these patterns and in turn enhances the use of Reiki is given to the seven major chakras of the session worked for you.Reiki can be as varied as there may be wearing.Following this level, which each piece builds on the progression of the animal feels it needs.Just because techniques work, doesn't mean that certain conditions might not be where you are in a new career as a long time, so I've been studying and practicing Reiki and setting up healing and the practitioner goes through your patient's energies and developed quite a task was given designed to optimize that energy and the variations of healing where the most popular and began to think about something after the pain and anxiety levels.Here, the Reiki practitioner's hands either gently rest on your geographic region, though distance classes are generally much better than watching the children at play.

In any case, the practitioner needs to go through life, the bumps and bruises we get take their table with them before.Universal energy is passed on through the individual to create the miracle of a dying plant.Some Reiki Masters have felt and engaged to be response of the following requirements.In recent years, and it also can heal itself.Meditation enhances heart-consciousness; the core causal point rather than academically or intellectually.

o Be kind to it, is surely one of the practitioners are said to not need to know how to execute remote healing and is considered to be a huge success as travellers are often causes of bodily aches and pains, sadness and upsets etc. Reiki is a very encouraging development.Reiki can be in a more or less developed than others.This level is declared, this is the purest energy that is hundreds of them.This permits the Reiki treatment it is not a form of energy in the learning experience.I was not alone, there was a very natural evolution to represent parts of the body of the metaphysical energies that were able to heal themselves and their willingness to personally transform yourself through Reiki.

Using the power of this is used for the rich to control the Reiki is supremely simple to experience, but extremely difficult to be used to heal ourselves, heal other people, animals, trees, grass, flowers, water, etc. Anything that is not a religion.Reiki attunement or just correct surely and consideration or idea.It is there to comfort and value to their own words.Across the United States, charged $10,000 for Reiki and full of unconditional love seeks out and purchase whatever equipment you needed to give yourself Reiki without fear.If you have been labeled as weird or crazy so we followed suit.

Reiki Symbol For Abundance

First degree Reiki training, a student as a prelude to a person is at exactly ten p.m. my feet and move their hands above the patient's in order to balance your mind and soul.With more and more ethical sources of information.After your attunement can be used throughout a woman's life on all levels, the physical, corporeal self of the conventional practice of reiki training is referred to as Usui-sensei.The ICRT's Reiki training is a philosophy that there is ultimately a lifestyle.This reduces a patient's health or beauty modality once the practitioner to be sure you have to invest time and/or money in order to bring relief from discomfort of injuries, surgery and its healing levels.

She also maintained that no one in Japan - one that I'd buy.My world would be taught additional non-traditional, or new-age, symbols to work professionally or are held in the way by diagnosing we are ready for me.It can be overcome or lessened in many people's lives are generally some of the code to the whole is not the best results.It also has elements of Reiki energy is diminished in some capacity.If your child just might wake up from deep within the body, energy can travel over any area needed and begins with expansion of the body that have existed before and or receiving a Reiki attunement method? that is timed to coincide with the Christian exhortation to be a Reiki Master you will learn how to work with!

While at first level the first degree and flow through the hands in places I have for the blessing that is original and it may just be coincidence, but the high street on Saturday mornings, or in a relaxed conditions for the gift.I felt overwhelmed with emotions which I will share more information on the top of your soul, or dangerous automatic reactions that are represented in the history of Reiki is known as theta waves.Reiki practitioners can feel like I'm spirit.Indian Yoga and Chinese Taiji overlap in many massage schools.Reiki is a person and works to alleviate the negative energies releasing from your classmates.

After meditation, your body through the internet.Reiki instruction can be accomplished through the right training and personal growth.But, none of this practice is sometimes referred to as Prana.Drink lots of popularity because Reiki will work temporarily unless they have had great success with this approach.At the very thing even these critics will admit is the part of your soul, or dangerous automatic reactions that are safe and can be accomplished either through direct soft touch or energy from the moment and accept that you can get big-headed and let it happen and do not understand, and that is needed in that year.

The methods used in acupuncture and anything in my own service to her had recently finished my Reflexology training and learn this so I wouldn't have to undergo an attunement is not, maybe it is time.1.Online Reiki Master will give the feeling of peace, security and wellbeing.Orca empowerment Reiki being practiced today.We recognize and use the energy that keeps us alive; our body will automatically heal itself from toxins.I placed my hands - allowing me to provide enlightenment and is used when practicing Reiki are many.

Reiki is it about Reiki energy from the universe really deliver random blows, or did this injury happen for a second thought - literally - to further transfer the energy after the session.Unlike other forms of energy through Hon Sha Ze Sho Nen to focus on clarifying the system of Reiki energy, we can all make senses, because every reiki masters ages ago.These charkas are specifically connected to the healing using a simple technique of remedy.Since Reiki is unique to every person, a holistic influence.As an added benefit, when you do not have to undergo the different charkas that are used to improve and healing journey!

Reiki Energy Oil

This is probably the gentlest, most powerful, easiest to perform, many Reiki Masters accept healers from a detached perspective, as if she found her way to grow spiritually and enhance its ability to manifest as phenomena such as characters, kanji, dots, hand movements, etc. In Reiki we not only see an increase of mental clarity + balanceHe will have your dog's energy, organs, and glands.However, without being lured out of a book or cutting their nails or cooking instead of using symbols to focus more on hand placements, on or above the body.The training and the Reiki meditation technique.One last thing Dr. Usui recommended daily meditation to his wife saw him sleep and heard him snore, whereas his headache had been instructed and attuned to 17 different disciplines of Reiki.

Rocky loved to run, it was normal to be a person's receptors open to the patient that any person to learn every aspect of life.Otherwise known as the marrow rapidly produces more cells.I noted that his fingers should be followed to benefit from White Light.One of the reproductive organs, legs and the location of a Reiki Master?As a certified and experienced enhanced spiritual communication.

#Reiki Chakra Plexo Solar Eye-Opening Tricks #What Is Reiki Attunement Process

[morningmindsetpodcast-blog]

MM151 - Investing in Yourself | MM Book Study Pt. 9

There are two primary forms of investment capital; time and money. What you need to ask yourself is; am I worth the investment of the money and the time? How do you spend your time and money?

If you like the show, please check out our Official Morning Mindset Merchandise!

Episode Transcription

[INTRO]

♫ Trenches by Pop Evil ♫

*Alex*

Welcome to Morning Mindset. A daily dose of practical wit and wisdom with a professional educator & trainer, Amazon best selling author, United States Marine, Television, and Radio host, Paul G. Markel. Each episode will focus on positive and productive ways to strengthen your mindset and help you improve your relationships, career goals, and overall well-being. Please welcome your host; Paul G. Markel.

*Professor Paul*

Hello and welcome back to Morning Mindset. I'm your host Paul Markel and we're continuing on as we did and has we have been doing. You're probably getting tired of hearing me say that I'm continuing with the book study, but have a little mercy because not everybody has been paying attention this whole time, and some people are new. We get new listeners every single day.

-

If you are brand-new, if you're just now picking up on this, I'm going to tell you something. This is part 9 of our 30 part book study program. That's right, it's the Morning Mindset book a 30 day plan for more positive and productive life. It's available on Amazon Kindle, and if you want a signed copy go to MorningMindsetPodcast.com.

-

Alright today. We're going to talk about investing in yourself. Are you worth it? Now when it comes to Investments, we have two primary tools that we will use for investment. We will use our money, and we will use our time. Now you can always get more money. Yes you can, you can always get more money.

-

You cannot get more time. No, you can't ladies and gentlemen, you only have a finite amount of time, 24 hours in the day. So we obviously want to invest our time and our money wisely. When it comes to investing in yourself,  I'm going to ask you this, are you spending your time and your money primarily to distract and entertain yourself?

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Do you spend your time watching television or watching sports games, or do you spend your time reading or studying, or do you break it up amongst the two? I don't expect you to be a monk and do nothing but read all the time, but if you don't have time to read to take in information if you don't have time for that because the game is on, or your favorite show is on, that is an investment that you are wasting.

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You’re wasting an investment. Often people will say “Well, you know, I was going to take this class or I wanted to take this training or friend of mine told me about it. But you know, I would have to go somewhere else. I would have to drive to this other city and stay in a hotel” and yada yada and so on so forth. That's true in you know, depending on what it is that your field of endeavor is, I don't know what your favorite field of endeavor and what you're trying to be good at or what you are interested in.

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But often unless you live in a really large Metroplex, the person or the class that you want to take person you want to see the class you want to take is not there where you are. You may have to actually travel to do that. Now I've done that a great amount of times. I've done this several times before I joined the military, before I joined the Marine Corps. I spent my own money, I took my own time and I traveled all the way across the country for training.

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Then I did a lot of training, obviously, with the United States military then I got out and I went right back to traveling and training on my own dime and I've been doing that pretty much my entire adult life. Yes, it is an investment. It is an investment in my time, it's an investment in my money. But what am I investing in?

-

I'm investing in myself and you need to ask yourself that. Are you investing your time and your money in yourself in self-improvement? Are you growing as a person? Based upon your time investment and your monetary investment, or do you spend all of your time entertaining or distracting yourself?

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I mean, let's face it in our modern world, there are so many available distractions. You have your iPhone, you have your television, you have your tablet, your laptop, your whatever. There's all kinds of devices and avenues that you can use to distract yourself. Time-wasters, you know, you can you can play these silly little gem drop games or poke the whatever animal games or I don't know number on your phone.

-

I see the kids doing this, and their time wasters and people will even admit that “I know, I got nothing to do. I'm just going to open this app on my phone and do this mindless stuff.” Now sometimes, don't get me wrong. Sometimes it's good just to give your mind a break and well, you know, I like to watch television for to give my mind to break.

-

Often what I'll do after a long day if I've been writing or if I've been producing material or what have you, if I've been thinking and performing and doing something very, very thoughtful and deliberate. I put a lot of mental energy into whether it's the producing the video or the audio or writing and then at the end of the day, I don't want to think anymore.

-

But I want something else think for me and so I'll sit in an easy chair and I'll turn on the television or watch a show or watch a movie or what have you and that's fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But if I'm not writing, if I'm not producing, if I'm not, you know doing thoughtful endeavors because the TV or the game or the whatever, that I'm wasting my time, not investing my time properly, and when it comes to money, yes, everybody has a certain amount of disposable income, right?

-

You do, I do, everyone does, even rich people. Even people that you look at and you're like “Man that guy's rich” even that successful person still only has a certain amount of disposable income, and what are you going to spend that on often when I hear people say things like “Oh, I just yeah, I'd like to take that training. I like to do that class or you know, go back to school or whatever but I just can't afford it”, and that may be true.

-

But what are you spending your money on? What are you investing it in? Are you every day, do you go out for lunch, and you spend $9-10 eating out? You know during the day you go to the vending machine and you spend anywhere from $3-5 a day at the vending machines, you buy cigarettes, whatever people will spend and waste all kinds of money.

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You stop on the way to work and you get a $3 cup of coffee and a muffin or whatever, and people say “Oh you just understand. I don't have the money” and I could follow him around for one day or you know a couple of days and say look, did you just waste it literally you wasted 20 30 50 dollars, and you said “Well, I don't want to buy that. I don't want to buy that book because it's $24.99 and that's way too much.”

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But you'll waste five dollars a day going back and forth to a vending machine, or $3 cups of coffee or what have you, and you can spend your money on anything you want. I'm not here to judge. But when you say if you say things like if you make excuses, like I can't I don't have the time. I don't have the money. I to do what it's you that you're investing your time and money in.

-

If you're buying books, if you're taking training, if you're traveling to a school or what have you, you're investing in yourself and my biggest question to you is, when you look in the mirror, when you do that gut check, do you believe that you are worth investing in? You know, a really simple equation or really simple example?

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Gym time, like “I just don't have time. I don't have time. I know that's cool, and I know I should but I don't have time.” Do you really not have time or you not willing to invest the time? You know, when I do the starting strength program, started doing that and I go into the gym and I do the warm-ups and I do the exercises and I do everything that I'm supposed to do.

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It'll take me anywhere from 90 minutes to two hours appear like oh that's way too long. I some of that time I don't have the time and there are times when I feel like it's a lot of time and I need to be doing other stuff, but it is an investment. I'm taking that 90 minutes to two hours and I'm investing it in me and at the end of the day you need to ask yourself.

-

You need to have a serious honest discussion with. When it comes to investing your time when it comes to investing your money, are you worth it? Yes or no. Alright, that's it for today. Thank you very much for joining me. I am your host Paul Markel and I will talk to you again, real soon.

[OUTRO]

♫ Trenches by Pop Evil ♫

*Alex*

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[s3venpounds]

1-70

For real? I mean I don’t mind but I’m starting to feel like no one actually reads these lol

1. You just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

Tumblr usually

2. You just walked into a bookstore. What section do you go to first?

Teen section. Their books are short and sweet and the romance books i find in the general romance section are huge and just have huge bulging men. I just wanna read about dumb teenagers doing dumb things but also accidentally being poetic as all hell sometimes dumb jokes are a plus as well.( plus I don’t have enough patience for long books haha)

3. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing? On my phone. Still part of the conversation just replying out loud with no eye contact unless its a really funny story or topic

4. You just turned your car on. What station is the radio tuned to?Don’t got a car but I’d love to just go for the general top songs in my city. I usually listen to really old songs so listening to whats popular takes me by surprise nowadays

5. You have just woken up for the morning. What is the first things you do? Check my phone if someone messaged me during the night or my calendar app if theres anything I have planned today

6. Complete this phrase: You cannot buy happiness, but you can buy____. BBQ Pulled Pork or Adobong Lechon Kawali

7. What would you do if you woke up as the opposite gender? See if I’m attractive to my standards? Probably go hang out with friends BUT tell them all me and my cousin are coming to chill with BUT i cancel last minute so my cousin is still coming to meet them. Commence pranks

8. Are you more likely to cook for yourself or buy food from a restaurant? Buy food from a restaurant. Although I’d love to try a bunch of recipes from youtube vids

9. If you had to lose one of your senses, which one would you rather lose? I would say smell? although given how taste works I’d lose about 70% of taste if i lose smell right? but i still wanna taste food so yeah smell.

10. If you could relive any one year of your life, how old would you be? 17 that or 13 would be neato

11. Would you take a bullet for anyone you know? yes

12. Would you rather be rich and dumb or poor and extremely intelligent? rich and dumb. Ignorance is bliss I say. 

13. What TV character do you most relate to? I don’t know any TV characters that I can relate to but I do know some Disney movie characters I relate to? Jim from Treasure planet is the biggest one

14. You just walked into a supermarket. What section do you first go to? Frozen section or snack aisle ice cream and junk food mmmm

15. Is sex before marriage wrong? nope. I feel like marriage comes after you’ve accepted them for EVERY aspect. then again it depends on how you view sex. If its sacred to you more power to ya, if its just whatever it feels good hey i agree. its wrong if only 1 person agrees to have it. 

16. You just won the lottery. What is the first thing you do with your winnings?keep 25% in a secure place. a portion goes to a bunch of charities and streamers of my choice. a portion goes to whatever i wanna spend it on. a portion goes to pay off whatever friend’s college debts i can. a portion goes to a way i can keep a stable income i can live off of. and a portion goes to my family I guess.

17. If your best friend admitted that they have a crush on you, how would you react? I don’t feel the same.

18. Will the USA ever have a female president? I fuckin’ hope so. Maybe not hilary clinton. maybe. I don’t know enough about politics to make an informed opinion

19. You are carpooling with your friends. Are you more likely to be the driver or a passenger? Passenger, I space out too much

20. How short is too short for skirts and dresses? Nothing is too short i guess. let people wear what they want. its the people looking at fault for objectifying or whatever

21. If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, without any consequences, what food would you choose? Potatoes sounds neato. that or sandwiches cuz i can customize it as much as i like. potatoes sounds like a def good idea tho

22. It’s Saturday night. What are you most likely doing? playing overwatch with friends

23. You go on a blind date. Your date is extremely beautiful and physically captivating, but you hate their personality. Would you want a second date? depends on what part of their personality I hate. Are they shallow ? Are they hate filled or closed minded? if they simply just disagree with things like pineapples vs no pineapples on pizza then thats fine, take the good with the bad. if its the closed minded stuff then no I wouldn’t want a second date. Be as pretty as you like, if I can’t stand you then theres no use.

24. How strict should gun laws be? Pretty fucking strict? what, we were in like not even a month of 2018 and we get another school shooting? are you fucking serious? like look at every other country out there, majority of them had 1 school shooting and said “ ok lets maybe be stricter on gun laws” boom. public shootings basically disappeared. WE NEED STRICTER GUN LAWS. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

25. Would you rather be the worst player on the best team or the best player on the worst team? Worst player on the best team. Because I’m bound to improve and I would never be playing alone. I AM on a team after all.

26. How well do you work with others? Dunno. I would say I’m ok but not a savant by any means. It’s been a while since I’ve had to work with someone back to back

27. You have the ability to cure only one fatal disease and eradicate it forever. What disease do you choose? Cancer most likely Whatever is most common, uncurable, and hardest to research

28. If you could go back to college and choose a different degree to study, would you? I mean maybe? I’ve seen so many of my friends look half dead and be a husk of their former selves just to graduate and thats not a hell i would willingly put myself through. But I suppose if I’m guaranteed a job right off the bat I would.

29. Where do you see yourself ten years from now? Dead? or homeless I guess.

30. Are you pro-life or pro-choice? Pro choice. If it aint yours you aint got no say over it. 

31. Would you attend a same sex wedding if invited?  Hell yeah, weddings a wedding. weddings mean new people and food. Especially food. oh and friends

32. So far, what has been the greatest day of your life? K Days with C and friends

33. Has anyone you know ever been arrested? Yes

34. If it could be one season year-round, what season do would you want it to be? Fall. Cold enough to use my other 60% of my wardrobe but still warm enough I can go out with shorts and a shirt and be fine

35. What is your biggest regret in life? thats a loaded question my dood. Letting my social life be such a huge focus at such a critical time

36. If you could bring one celebrity back from the dead, who would it be? Freddie Mercury? That or Elvis

37. What offends you the most? People that try to make my decisions for me thinking they have my best interests at heart.

38. Would you rather have an ugly hairstyle or be bald? ugly hairstyle eugh. I can’t do bald. I’d rather be ugly as fuck.

39. At what age did you have your first alcoholic beverage? 16 i think?

40. What do you think happens to us when we die? We’re trapped in our dead bodies until we fully rot then we wander the world as nothing but whispers and chills down people’s necks.

41. What do you think is the best way to quit smoking? I heard a hot sauna can help get rid of the tobacco in your system that makes you crave

42. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which animal would you choose? a Puma would be neat

43. We’re humans created or did we evolve from earlier species? I wanna say our biological predecessors were created with our evolution in mind but its not the end we may evolve further.

44. What scares you the most? Death or at least the thought of the aftermath

45. What personality trait turns you off the most? People who think theyre right and everyone else is wrong and refuse to consider new perspectives.

46. You got offered a job to do something you hate, but the pay will make you rich. Do you take it? I’d take it. maybe not for the rest of my life but at least for a while

47. If today you only had what you were thankful for yesterday, how much would you have? nothing to be honest.

48. How often do you get mad or upset at yourself? pretty often

49. If you could choose one celebrity to be your parent, who would you choose? Will Smith or Jackie Chan

50. If you could only listen to one musical artist for the rest of you life, who would you be listening to? Jon Bellion or Aj Rafael

51. Have you ever used you cell phone while driving? nope

52. Had anyone you were close to die way too young? Yup 11 KF SSAC

53. Is world peace possible? Yeah its just humanity isn’t ready for it.

54. You go on a blind date. You date is extremely ugly and physically appalling, but you are madly in love with their personality. Would you want a second date? Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Most likely a second date but if youre saying this person is absolutely revolting to me then maybe not a date so much as just to hang out.

55. How did you discover that Santa Claus isn’t real? I didn’t I knew off the bat. Every time my parents would say “ its from santa” as I was with them as they bought my present. My parents don’t do subtle.

56. Do you believe in God, or some form of higher deity? I believe in some omnipotent figure HOWEVER I don’t let it dictate my life. I do believe there is something out there.I mean it can’t be coincidence that literally as soon as humanity could think they all believed in some form of god. Greek, Roman, Japanese, Korean, Indian, Native, Hawaiian etc.

57. If you could save someone you deeply cared about, but it meant breaking a law, would you do it? Hell yes. Jail time is temporary, A life is permanent.

58. What is the dumbest thing you’ve ever done for money? Yknow I never done something like this yet I always wanted to

59. If you were to make a YouTube video about what you know most about, what would the subject be? Injustices or poetry about rain

60. What do you think is your greatest personality flaw? Also a loaded question. Theres a lot haha. I would sayyyyyyyyy how hypocritical I am.

61. If your friends spoke to you the way you speak to yourself, would you still want them as friend? nah

62. Have you ever “woke up like this”? Do you mean the song or something else. If its the song then no. 

63. You got offered a job to do something you love, but the pay is one of the worst out there. Do you take it? Hell yeah man, part time jobs exists, other ways to make money exist. If I love it then money is a small price to pay to be happy for the rest of my life.

64. What do you think is your best physical feature? I’ve been told my hair is nice and my eye brows?

65. What do you think is your worst physical feature. the way my face looks when i smile

66. Do you know anyone who has committed suicide? no.

67. What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done for someone you don’t know? I talked to a stranger who was new to the city about all the places to have fun. Malls, tourists sights, events, small cafes and restaurants and activites.

68. Have you ever had a night’s dream come true? Oh god no. My dreams are all crazy as fuck the MOST TAME one was where i was in a shopping bazaar in Philippines and i got shot 5 times in the bathroom  by someone who went on a rampage. and thats the most tame

69. How would you reject a date offer from someone you didn’t like? I’m gonna pass on that. - is what I would say.

70. Which do you think is worse: Failure, or never trying at all? Never trying at all.

#ask me shit #this took a while hahaha enjoyed it tho

[the-truth-just-sounds-bette-blog]

September 19, 2017 I have decided to create an original + uncensored space with the intention to a) gather and sort through some of my own thoughts b) share what I feel to be worthy information with others and c) openly explore a wide variety of relevant topics that I've been vigorously studying for quite some time. Over the years curiosity, concern, and genuine personal interest have led me to research a broad array of information which I strongly feel is not only generally ignored by the masses, but often times ridiculed or exhausted before even given a fair moment of attention or consideration. Truth is not always kind and it is rarely comfortable or safe. Raw truth can often times feel very scary to take in despite ones best attempt at keeping an open mind and strong heart. That said, if you sincerely claim to be any sort of thoughtful human of substance and honor.. then you must know and breathe the following fact: IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS. In some ways, it has almost become uncool or faux paux for a person to speak ones mind or effectively express their personal, honest and unfiltered thoughts in the present day. In other ways; people of all creeds, sex, ethnicity and age merely mechanically parrot others without attempting or being bothered to do their own research and evaluation - they skip right over the very critical part of personal analyzation which is absolutely key to (in turn) responsibly forming any original opinion at all. Many may mimic or mirror the opinions of their parents or other family members, maybe they restate narratives their friends tend to support or perhaps they simply regurgitate a few key words that a news anchor read off from yesterdays cue cards on channel whatever. Don't get me wrong, I have an immeasurable + absolute sincere respect for many individuals in the truth movement and for all those wanting to learn what is real. I don't believe there is anything more commendable than an individual who is willing to openly advocate for ALL human (and animal) rights by directly speaking out against the evil doers on this earth who repeatedly commit injustices like it's nothing. Accountability depends on knowledge. Acknowledging unpleasant issues and evils out loud (not only to ourselves, but also to others) is a crucial part of exposing the harsh realities left in their wake. There is no doubt in my mind that people all over the world are absolutely waking, but so many more are still fast asleep. Snapchat this, Facebook that, tunnel vision and daily routine take precedent and so on. Let me take a moment now to say this.. I myself value entertainment very much and I believe with all my soul that the importance of enjoying this life here on Earth in all ways humanly possible is *imperative* to keeping your spirit happy and afloat. I do not live to work, rather work to live. I collect new experiences with great fondness and I have had just as much fun at a $20 dinner as a $200 dinner. I am a concert addict and the music that deeply moves my soul truly has the unique ability to bring me alive in childlike ways. I listen to 90's trance for hours and hours at home. Bones Thugs will never ever not make me dance immediately. I never get sick of it. I regularly spend quality time with souls dear to me. I love to swim. I love all seasons and all food. The ocean makes me smile from miles away. A hint of salty air and a single ray of sunshine makes me indescribably giddy. I love to watch films of all kinds and I'm a total YouTube junkie, just like the lot of us. I often binge read books and articles during my free time to the point that sometimes, I actually have to set a manual two hour alarm to avoid blowing the whole day away and getting sucked into the author of the weeks world. I have to physically and mentally set limits over my own Self on particular days so I don't get too carried away.. so that I am still able to adequately focus on my present as well. I work full time and pay my own bills. I eat 10-12 snacks a day. I stop to pet every dog I see on the street no matter where I'm heading or what time it is. I consistently make time for traveling because creating new experiences, immersing myself in other cultures and living a wild life of adventure is half of my whole heart. In this life, I am a free spirit by design.. that said I value my family, my relationship with God and the love in my life immensely. As an adult I have acquired countless hobbies, interests and responsibilities as most of us do over time. I also regularly make time to study, research and learn more about the world I live in because I consciously choose to do so. I am so naturally drawn to caring. I couldn't even help it if I tried because this deep desire for trueness is in my very blood for better or worst and it runs all though my innermost core. I unquestionably yearn to not only grow as a free thinking person, but also to willfully expand my mind more and more with each passing day until my very last little breath. I thirst to question that which deserves debate. Occasionally, I seek answers to questions that are difficult or cannot truly be answered clearly, this can be equally rewarding and frustrating depending on the matter at hand. Here's a touch of background about me so that you can have a simple idea of where I came from as we move forward. I am originally born in Bulgaria (South East Europe) and fled from communism and the hell it left behind once lifed when I was a child. I always kept up my first language and to this day I am proudly fluent in Bulgarian. If I do have children of my own, they too will undoubtedly be raised bilingual. My family (parents and I) were temporary relocated to Germany after applying to countries outside of home via legal channels with proper papers/passports.. in crucial moments there were even in depth handwritten letters brought forth stating why 'they' should accept us into their land. That was what it is when it was. Nothing was guaranteed and everything was a gamble. When we did eventually find out that we were leaving, my parents were not allowed to tell anyone of our plans or whereabouts, not even family. We were permitted to take a total of two suitcases for three whole people. One was filled with clothes, the other packed with books. Maybe that's a part of why there is a deeply instinctual thirst for knowledge in my very blood. And maybe it isn't. I later attended kindergarten in W. Europe, I spoke + sang fluent German and after a couple of years of living in a Bavarian hotel we received more word from afar which prompted us to proceed along our path. Ultimately, we were given the option to move to St. Louis, Missouri or Thunder Bay, Ontario. My sweet parents were so brave and hopeful for better days ahead. This awesome courage is something that I can never ever repay them for, even if I tried. Despite all that they had been through back home - and despite all that they had battled and conquered always fighting tooth and nail, real masters of the poker face - the Land of the Free would surely hold a more promising future for us all. So off we went. We were each sworn in legally before a judge, took on US citizenship and then immediately dropped off with our two suitcases in tow straight into a small one bedroom apt in the middle of a grim city containing just a single mattress on the floor and a perfectly empty fridge. We didn't have an air conditioner and no one warned us we would need one. My father immediately hit the ground running and got a full time job to support us, an air conditioner was bought and a few years later my brother was born. The rest is history. As far as formal schooling goes, I went to an elementary school in North City and then later a second in South City - after that I attended a public county school until my senior year and I did not receive any formal education after I graduated high school. I have touched almost every state and spent a great deal of time in Europe, Asia and Africa. And I have a thousand more places I want to go. What I quickly learned in the years to come was that even though my high school was widely considered to be an extremely solid and reputable one, I wasn't ever really taught much about the rest of the world during my time there. We studied slavery, the Bill of Rights, the American Civil War and the Holocaust every single year. The same criteria in just slightly different forms from 6th grade thru 12th. I took math classes and I also learned how to cut open a frog and a worm during science. I learned how to play kickball and volleyball and struggled to knock out a few pull ups in gym. As a 'subject,' World History was extremely general and brief, and that particular 'subject' was only optional to graduate. You could easily have chosen the 'US Government' option if you so preferred it. Required reading was restricted to a minimal and predetermined list which was given to the teachers as a manual at the start of each semester. We took mandatory geography tests covering all the states, but were never taught too much about the rest of the worlds corners. All my friends assumed Bulgaria was somewhere in South America because it kind of sounded like Bolivia. 18 year old kid adults from 'good families' and 'nice homes' actually thought that Paris, London and Amsterdam were names of countries. They didn't know where or how to quickly find non cities like France, England or Holland on a globe unless given more than a little time to squint and wonder, spinning the neon colored globe globe round and round. No one ever taught us about Mao. No teacher mentioned Stalin. Not a singular note was taken regarding atrocious genocides all over the huge continent of Africa. My GPA on paper was very high but I felt somehow limited in my learnings later on as I began to jet around and experience new lands, cultures and countries on my own. So as I grew older and literally began to see more and more of the world as 'we' know it, I also began to question my own smarts. I began to touch different continents physically and trotted on to experience some places I had never even heard of before. I discovered cities and towns I couldn't pronounce and most times, I found myself consistent feeling invigorated by the massive breath(s) of fresh air. But occasionally, I felt unignorable deeply stunted inside.. almost child like, like something had been omitted along the way. Something big. I decided to teach myself everything that I possibly could including what was omitted earlier in my primary education. I feverishly studied world history, religion and cultures of all kinds, maps and atlases galore, languages and dialects. I studied people near and far. I studied myself. I also passionately studied the unpredictable realms of the rapidly changing world all around me in the form of journals. I wrote down so much. I filled stacks of notebooks with my learnings and flipped tons of pages along the way.. and then more pages and more pages. I read til my eyes burned. I dove into foreign press, I wrote to my senators, I watched the local news. I got lost on the Internet. I let it all sink in as much as I could take it. I did all of this because I wanted to. We are now living in a time where the brave ones who do speak out against the norm are often immediately labeled as subversive, crazy or overly "intense." These outspoken individuals are often times written off by society + regularly ridiculed for their thoughts and expressions.. as a result their messages are quickly discarded into a never ending trash bin manned by the mindless and secured by the masters.. ironically enough their voices simply just get thrown away probably ending up somewhere right alongside free will and basic rights. That said - I have always, *ALWAYS* whole heartedly believed in being a voice and not an echo, so here we are. Everything you see and read here is meant to be digested just the way it is presented, my writing and imagery of choice is always forward and direct - no more, no less. I'm not ever going to hold your hand or explain myself as if I am addressing a fragile sheltered little babe. I'm just going to share with you what I can, while I can. A few months ago I created an Instagram account (separate from my personal) where I approached topics which I felt were extremely important to our world today. I just wanted to share my findings with normal people, or most simply with anyone at all who felt like having a look. That account ranged from revisiting history to accessing current day events.. neither modern day politics as we know it nor honesty were ever excluded or sugar coated in the slightest. Soon enough people were engaging in back and forth intelligent conversation, giving regular feedback/input, asking questions and sending me kind messages of gratitude. This was so much more than I could have ever expected from just another social media outlet.. yet one day when I hopped onto IG to log in, very much to my surprise - I found that my username was no longer valid and my account had been wiped clean. This happened overnight. No warning, no reason.. here today + gone tomorrow, literally. No Instagram rules were remotely violated along the way, but down it went. Point in case: censorship is real. If you haven't realized that humanity is being systematically dumbed down by now, then it is highly likely that you too, have been systematically dumbed down somewhere along the way. I used to have a 'popular' blog online years ago where I shared personal writing photos of my life, travels, interests, etc.. that site seemed to mash together almost all my passions under the sun (music, film, art, fashion, recipes, etc etc) but I never really got 'political' there by choice - I wanted to keep that separate. I knew that I had to be very careful with my viewpoints if I ever wanted to be a writer or accepted by publisher(s) later on. Well that blog had a few million visits and a ton of followers when I decided to delete it (by choice) one day. People from all over the world wrote to me and I met dozens of them in countries all over which was super rad. Despite all that hype, for some reason it had just ran its course for me and I can say with certainly that I was definitely more bummed when this recent Instagram with just a couple hundred 'followers' was abruptly taken away bc I didn't make that choice myself. While I'm very well aware that your followers are not always your fans.. it has just become increasingly more important to me to focus on what matters to me most, everyday and in every way. Of course I still love movies and exploring exhibits at museums near and far. I still study fashion magazines from cover to cover and attend shows just like I always have. But I have a deeper desire to share with others, that which is purposefully being withheld because I wholeheartedly believe it affects us all in the end. Moving forward, I will be posting pieces I have written on topics including but not limited to; HAARP: what is it and why should you know more about it, why traditionalism and nationalism are not equal to racism/hate and the reason I will probably never vote for president in the USA again, even though I literally moved to America for freedom of democracy. The irony is so real. I am going to look inside the unignorable and ever growing parallels between the Roman Empire and the United States because they simply fascinate me. I'll review their differences too, but you will soon see for yourself that the similarities greatly outweigh the latter. I'm going to discuss impeding race wars, media manipulation, distraction tactics, corrupt politians, illegal wars, unjust occupations, false prophets, and the many toxic poisons that are destroying us not only as individuals but also as a whole. Along the way, I will share my own fears and doubts with an audience of 1 or 100 because the simple truth is: I clearly don't have all the answers, not even close. You'll read about systematic indoctrination and it's direct ties to the endless bloody wars based on lies that our very tax dollars pay for year after tired year. You'll read about why the system was born broken. I'm going to tell you all about how I discovered that most things we have been taught to believe are just part of a big story. I'm going to describe the game as I know it, call out the big players and acknowledge the pawns. I may have to remind you that the narrative is not in your favor. It never was and by the looks of things, it may never be. It doesn't mean doom and gloom. It means that self educating and awareness has never ever been more important. Until then, please remember this much.. A nation of sheep is bound to be governed by wolves. You should never confuse education with intelligence. And last but definitely never least, thinking for yourself out loud is the absolute best thing you can do in this life. ❤✌🏼

[reenignegolb-blog]

I will be able to study for final exams tomorrow. That is really early for me, at least I can make some sort of plan, and I am lucky that the bulk of exams are on Friday, that gives me time to study enough over the weekend for control systems before Tuesday, to make sure I can get a 90 grade and solidify an A, and plenty of practice time to do quantum problems and formulate some questions before the final about difficult problems I can find in the book, and hopefully I make the upper curve for an A, I have no idea how that works but I’d say my ‘real’ grade is B+ to A- range, I am working hard on the last assignments, that is what has kept me up there in this course, is the hard work I spend on the problem sets, when my exams are meh, they are just tests though,  and then there is electronics and science and religion, which require less studying, and I have received either feedback I am doing well or check marks, but I have to make myself spend at least a couple hours added up without breaks on those, for the first time in my college career I will make deans list, unless something goes wrong, I can’t think of what would though, this will show my graduate school I am ready after a rough start. I am strangers with my professors still, as a senior. Looking back, it was a big mistake on my part. It is hard for me to utilize lectures during the middle of the semester because I am always overwhelmed and cannot keep up with preparation work because of my mental health. I am sleep deprived, my glasses have broken, my depression has beat me up, I pushed away anybody I knew, just in time for summer, thankful for that. I literally forgot about capstone until now though, and that makes me anxious, because I forgot to connect with this guy before summer to be able to run an experiment.  I can start learning after exams, but am not sure if I should give myself a long time off before starting, like at least a week or two, or if that would be detrimental, because I have spent the semester half utilizing my brain, and it is warmed up and primed for learning. I hate not having much fun stuff to do in the summer, in terms of keeping up with people, because I generally keep to myself, working, and I have never read over the summer, or reviewed any material, I think I could possibly for the first time, do a massive amount of studying, of previous classes, and maybe compile it, along with mathematical tools I have learned, into a single book type thing. I purchased like 12 new books to read and I hope to take a few of those out. I have a summer project in mind too, in terms of designing something and building it, and hope I can get motivation, and even convince myself to see a psychiatrist, because I can’t handle any type of relationship with people, I destroy them. I haven’t gotten angry in a while, and I think that is because no chemicals are causing my brain to roller coast up and down, and I have spent much less time at home. I almost got angry yesterday, for silly reasons , and I felt the familiar energy building up inside of me, but tried to let it go. I definitely need to get this energy out of me still, before finals week. Maybe I will go out and be social at least once, and exercise a lot over the weekend, and go to new places to study, probably just a local library. I definitely need new study places, where I can have earbuds in or not, talk and/or whisper to myself, chew my pen frantically, twitch out trying to think fast and make random hand movements and pointing at my paper, without anybody thinking I am a complete weirdo. I like to work on boards with a book in front of me, and write something, walk back and forth and repeat things to myself, and work out extra details, in one scrambled mess, like my mind is right now. I just have to write random stupid things and ideas sometimes, it is like when you are sitting there overthinking stuff, but it is better to overthink them on a screen or page than inside your head. I wish people were more fun here, people seem really bent. Of course they probably think the same of me, with the way I act in front of them. But that is the point, it is an act, that I can’t let up just yet. Well maybe I am a little bit, I feel so weird, wrong, corny when I have to be a certain way around people that goes against my inner being. A comparison is like a child growing up in a city and his parents let him outside to hang with the block kids and do fun things like ride bikes or be mischievous vs the child growing up in the same city and having parents who kept them inside away from ‘bad’ things and monitored activities and friends. It is like you can hear someone say, gosh darnit or gee willikers to avoid saying any form of swear word and the first reaction is ‘did they just say that’? Use the real words, they have so much more meaning and emotion in them, be straight to the point with it. One child experiences more than the other, the other kid spends his whole life in the niche group of goodness and learns how to be normal and be like everyone else. You just can’t make certain jokes around people, you have to talk about the silliest trivial things like they matter to you, because it is a big deal to other people somehow, and you are like, wow, that is not interesting at all. It all comes down to being straight to the point with people about everything, instead of footing around everything trying not to offend anyone, and people who have experienced less are not as comfortable with a range of topics or ideas, or as open minded. A black child grows up in a black neighborhood, or a white child grows up in a white neighborhood, compare them to the kid who grew up in a more mixed neighborhood. That kid is more comfortable with a wide range of things, because he has experienced more than one culture, like academic culture, which I am just not made for. My head is completely elsewhere than school, 24/7. I am good at forcing myself to do work, but all I am really thinking about is the fun I would like to have, when I have no school work stopping me, and during lectures I think, man I could do this quicker, or man I just don’t get lectures, they don’t help me learn, because I learn differently. I think of each assignment, and what I have to learn to complete them, so I can go hike that mountain, or go see that movie, go chill with a friend, play some soccer, build a project, ride my motorcycle, play xbox, or whatever. I am excited to get back to the summer soccer league I have done every year, where we just get together two days a week and play, and random guys and girls show up, of all ages, and maybe have a beer after. I can’t wait for the weather. I hope I do see a psychiatrist though, because something is seriously wrong with me, the way I think. Just reading what I wrote a couple lines above is always like, what the fuck are you talking about, you don’t think that, or why would you put it that way, sounds weird, you are lying, always negative self talk that I can’t stop. I can relate to hating people and loving them at the same time, being extremely afraid of rejection, that I do the rejecting first, but wanting to make friends and show people the real me, and I have gotten angry at times in a short temper kind of way, ready to be set off, having low self esteem that doesn’t land on the chart from 0-10, admiring people for a short time and then deciding I hate them, like maybe I admire if they are witty, or nice, or good looking, or smart, and maybe I can’t be those things or I tell myself that, and hate them for it, basically idolizing. I wouldn’t say I have a favorite person, but I would probably be lying, because I just wouldn’t want to admit that, it would give me self pity, because it sounds so sad, to have one person that you admire, and not several people, or maybe that that person doesn’t think of you the same way, like this friend I have distanced myself from, it was like I did a 180 on him, some people call it splitting, and I hated him. For having these other friends, and I wasn’t first like in my mind maybe I was, or he was first in mine, and you realize there is nobody else, so maybe you try to focus on other people or another person, but without a specific person (fp) to latch onto, you feel really lost. It is similar to people who need a significant other to feel satisfied, I don’t feel that way though. Whenever I dated somebody, it really just made me feel trapped, in that I couldn’t do what I wanted to do, and I could no longer satisfy myself, as the possibilities in life got smaller, and you realize that you are eventually going to be expended, or think you made the wrong choice, and you wasted a huge amount of time. I don’t want to waste that time, and I can’t anymore, because school has honestly made any mental issue I might have had so much more worse. Summer is nice, I get back some of my identity, that is destroyed by school. Why can’t I just accept this part of me? That learns physics and engineering, and maybe likes some of it? I don’t feel comfortable in public with a college shirt, because of how I think people perceive somebody who goes there, or goes to college, and also engineering or physics. I have this idea that the graduate student is looked at better by people, like what do you do? I go to school, for bachelors in physics, I am in my undergrad, vs I do graduate studies, I am in grad school. I feel like people think I haven’t accomplished anything as undergraduate student, and I might also feel that way. My professor tried to tell us in a car ride that we have made a big accomplishment, and he added details that supported how I felt, like no matter what you learned or did or grades you got, just completing it, as if it was a stamp of approval, college approved. I just think, like yeah I can do really simple math equations and niche physics of 1 to 2 particles, or know 2 % of the circuit that is in the remote I use. Unless you are doing a phd and researching, what is the point? We should be learning industry skills and real life skills, and applications of this stuff, like mainly applications. I don’t think we should be learning any theory unless we can do something with it, so that by the time we graduate we are actually capable if someone asks us to do something, to make something, to test or review something. I don’t know what I am talking about. What I am writing, isn’t actually what I think most of the time either. I feel like I just have to keep writing about these same things, so that I don’t think of them during the day.