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shutupanddance · 3 years

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Bones / Reader — Remember Me

Hey my fellow fan fiction people, I have MAJOR writer’s block, and I really want to get these requests done, so I’m hoping that this will snap me out of it.

Warning: this is angst!!

How would Bones react to your death?

Normal text is present time, and blocks of italic text are memories!

Enjoy ;)

Dr. Leonard McCoy is experiencing a “slow day” in medbay. Not that there isn’t the occasional ensign coming in with a scrape or broken bone, but it’s nothing like when the away missions come back.

Speaking of away missions, you were on one now. You weren’t scheduled to come back for a week, though. You were a microbiologist, so your missions were usually much longer, and consisted of more time going back and forth between your lab on the Enterprise and the planet you were stationed on.

The personnel staff realized pretty quickly that very little got done when you and McCoy were on a mission together. The doctor was so worried for his fiancé that he spent more time making sure you were safe than doing his job. So, it was a rare thing nowadays that you’d be put on a mission together.

Spock is suddenly in medbay.

“What are you doing here?” Leonard grumbles, glancing over his shoulder.

When Spock doesn’t respond immediately, he turns. Something is wrong, Leonard can tell. But whether Spock has a common cold or the ship is about to explode, he can’t tell.

“Captain Kirk requires your assistance on the bridge.” Spock states coolly. Odd.

“Are you sure? Can’t he just ask me through a holopad like everyone else-”

“Please come with me, doctor.”

Doctor McCoy follows, but he grumbles the whole way.

As soon as he’s in the elevator, another team rushes into medbay. They’re surrounding a gurney. And attached to that gurney is a heart monitor, which is beeping slow. Dangerously slow.

You’re not really sure why you got picked for the Enterprise. I mean, it’s Starfleet’s flagship, for crying out loud! But here you are, working away in one of the most advanced labs you’ve ever seen, floating many many miles from home.

You’re still processing all this when a beaker slips out of your hands, and shatters violently on the floor.

Luckily, no one else is in your lab right now. You stay calm, walking on careful feet, and retrieve a broom. As you’re sweeping, though, you realize blood is running down your fingers.

One of the shards of glass must have flown up and cut me, you realize.

You carefully wrap the small wound and apply pressure, then begin walking to medbay.

The nurses don’t immediately notice you, probably because you’re just standing there looking like you’re out for an evening stroll, but soon enough one happens to glance directly at the gauze you have wrapped around your forearm.

“Oh, dear!” She says, guiding you to a bed. “Dr! Dr. McCoy!”

Out from a nearby office walks Dr. Leonard McCoy. He’s got dark hair, the most alert eyes you’ve ever seen, and damn he’s hot.

“What happened to you?” He grunts.

“Beaker broke. Shard of glass flew up and cut me. No other injuries, and there’s no glass in the wound. I was able to stop most of the bleeding, but I think I’ll need stitches.”

An eyebrow goes up.

“Alright, why don’t you sit down and I’ll take a look.”

You didn’t know it, but in that moment, Leonard McCoy nearly fell head over heels for you. And all he showed for it was a raised eyebrow.

The Captain will not stop insisting that he needs a plan for contagious diseases on the Enterprise.

“We already have one,” Leonard reminds him.

“But will it work? Do we have one for different situations? For instance, if we’re docked on a hostile planet-”

“Are you trying to keep me from my job!?” Leonard asks, more as a pointed jab, but when the room grows uncomfortably silent, he realizes he’s right on the money.

What else does he realize? That every face in the room looks forlorn. And a bit defeated.

“What’s got everyone so depressed?” He asks, swiveling to see the entire bridge crew. No one answers.

Finally, Spock clears his throat.

“We wanted to keep you away from medbay while the doctor’s worked on Y/N.”

There’s a moment, a brief moment, where Leonard’s brain stops working. And he’s paralyzed with fear. But, it doesn’t last for long.

“WHAT!?!”

Jim steps in.

“She was injured on the away mission. Some animal we’ve never seen before came out of nowhere and attacked.”

Bones is trying to get away.

“She saved everyone else’s lives by luring the beast away, doc,” one of the crew is saying, but he doesn’t care. He needs to get to you-

The door to the bridge rolls open. M’Benga is standing there.

And Leonard has never seen the man look so guilty, so distressed, so sad.

“Watch the Coreolis Anjankus!” You say, pulling a red shirt away from a very poisonous plant. You pass him to Dr. McCoy, who pushes him even farther away.

“I thought you were a microbiologist?” He chuckles.

“With a minor in botany!” You smile.

You were one of the few scientists Leonard found to be cool under pressure, and the only one with real common sense. Still, despite all you knew about the dangers of every planet, you were always completely relaxed. If he was being honest, the doctor envied you (just a little bit).

“Tell, me, how did you get stuck with this motley crew?” He asks, eyes trained on the Captain, watching for any dangers.

“I’m not really sure,” you admit. “They just sent me a message one day asking if I wanted to join.”

“And you said yes.”

“Of course I did! Have you seen the labs on the ship?!”

Leonard laughs.

“I’m a nerd, I know, but this assignment is everything I’ve ever dreamed of.”

Dr. McCoy finds himself staring at you, suddenly. He doesn’t really remember how he got here. All he can think of is the fact that your heart’s not beating. That your body is mangled and bloody and despite M’Benga attempting to close the wounds, you look horrible.

It seems ironic, almost, in that instant. The woman who never worried about anything is lying mauled in a biobed. Dead.

The medical idea of death has settled in Leonard’s mind. No beating heart, no brain activity. But what he can’t wrap his head around is you being gone. You’ve always been there. And, for a moment, he’s convinced that if he sniffles too loud, you’ll hand him a tissue. If he mentions he’s hungry, you’ll wake back up, dig through your duffel bag, and pull some food out.

But you’re not moving.

“Where’s her duffel bag?” He asks, voice as loud and cranky as ever.

Kirk hands your bag over.

Bones reaches in, and digs around until he feels something soft. A teddy bear. He places it on your chest, and lifts your arms to hug it. The soft fur stains with blood.

It’s a horrific scene, the one in front of them.

A village destroyed by a massive storm system. Houses leveled, fields of crops uprooted, and hundreds of people injured or dying or dead.

But you’re standing there, cool and calm as ever, handing out blankets. You smile gently at each villager who steps up, and ask them in one of their native languages what else they need. You direct them to different crew members who can help.

One kid walks up, so young you have to crouch to be eye-level with them. He’s alone. And he looks so terrified, so empty, that you immediately wrap him in a hug. He clings on for dear life.

When he finally let’s go, you begin to explain to him that he needs to see the doctor. He shakes his head so hard you’re afraid his neck will snap. You say some more words in his language, and reach into your duffel bag.

You pull out a teddy bear. The boy smiles, ever so slightly, and immediately gives it a tight hug.

You speak encouragement at him, something about bravery, and the little boy makes his way over to the medical tent with his head held high.

All this Leonard watches. You look at him. He looks at you. And for a while, an unspoken respect passes between the two of you.

He asks you later why you had the teddy bear.

“I always have one on me,” you smile sadly. “You never know when you might need one.”

The ship docks at Command, and the usual celebratory revelries aren’t being heard. The crew is somber.

Your body, encased in a beautiful casket, is loaded onto a small carrier vehicle. Jim, Leonard, and Spock follow it as it weaves its way through the halls.

Your parents are there, and the funeral is quick. No one can really find the strength to say what they want to. No one can choke through their tears long enough to tell your story.

Bones is the last to leave. He watches your casket for hours, almost as if he’s waiting for you to spring out and laugh and kiss him, promising it’ll never happen again, promising you’ll never leave him…

He smiles. A memory-

The town of traders on this new small planet offered the Enterprise crew a place to stay overnight, and Kirk had agreed.

Their houses stood on stilts overlooking an ocean, and there were beautiful torches that burnt blue everywhere to light the paths. Bird-like creatures swooped through the town, twittering and squeaking.

You’re watching them silently through a window, a soft smile on your face. Leonard is sitting next to you on the bed, kissing your shoulder.

Two of the bird things get into a fight, and screeching is heard. Feathers fly.

You laugh, loud and unapologetic, as they tussle. Leonard laughs too. He’s smiling at you as you watch them, so completely wrapped up in how beautiful you are.

You fall back onto the bed, hair flying everywhere. You’re still giggling.

You look at your fiancé, enjoying watching him watch you. You feel comfortable. The house is warm and the blue firelight traces his face. The face of your love.

Leonard is wondering how on earth he landed you. How he convinced you to love him. But he truly has no idea. You’re lying there, eyes locked with his, gazing with so much love he feels he’s going to burst.

You lying there like that, hair spread out on the bed, a lazy smile on your face, eyes sparkling with the reflection of torches… he locks that picture in his mind.

And Leonard thinks that he’ll always remember you this way.

#reader insert #star trek reader insert #star trek #Star trek reboots #star trek fanfiction #star trek headcanon #bones x reader #bones imagine #leonard mccoy #leonard mccoy x reader #leonard mccoy imagine #masterlist

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hailbop1701 · 3 years

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25 Days of FicMas

December 5th prompt: Stuck in a room with someone you hate on Christmas

Word Count: 3,077

Lockdown

I know this late! I'm so sorry but my laptop decided it wanted to start a stupidly long update that took the entire day! 🤦‍♀️ I don't really like what I wrote but here it is anyway! Not my best work but someday I'll make it up by writing a detailed chapter Enemies to lovers fic. I promise

-H❤🖖

It was holiday time on the Enterprise, everyone seemed to be in a mood to celebrate. Well almost everyone, the Enterprises infamous grouchy CMO was in anything but a cheerful mood. He scowled and barked at everyone, from ensign to the Captain, so most just kept out of his way. Nurse Chapel clucked her tongue disapprovingly, “I know that this is his least favorite time of year but honestly!” she said resisting the strong urge to stomp her foot in frustration. She watched as another young ensign tearfully left the medbay; the girl quickly rushed past the Captain as he entered the room. He watched as the ensign left with a look of shocked concern, “he in his office?” Jim asked almost casually. Chapel huffed, “Yes, that was his last appointment of the night. He has officially locked himself away in his office,” she said dryly. Kirk smiled his thousand-watt grin. “Good I need your help,” he said bouncing on the balls of his feet like an excited child. Christine Chapel looked at the man skeptically, “and why would I do such a thing Captain?” she asked as she cleaned up the nurse’s station. Kirk leaned in as if what he was about to tell her was top secret, “It’s about Bones...and a certain engineer,” he said in a sing-song voice.

Christine perked up and smiled wickedly, “Oh please tell me we fix what’s between them!” she groaned slapping down a padd scaring a nearby orderly. Kirk smirked, “Oh I guarantee it will fix things! They say that they hate each other, but everyone - even Spock can see that it’s a bunch of bull,” he said keeping his voice low. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the CMO’s office door open, “I’ll send you the details later,” he whispered winking. “Jim stop harassing my nurses!” McCoy snapped stalking towards them deep scowl on his face. Holding up his hand in a placating gesture Jim grinned, “Just looking for you Bones!” he said giving his friend a smile.

Over the next few days, Jim Kirk and Christine Chapel exchanged messages and met in quiet rec rooms and corridors to finalize their plan. On the day that they were to execute, “Operation: Lockdown,”. Christine sat at the nurse’s station, keeping a casual eye on the CMO’s office waiting for McCoy to leave for his usual lunch break. When he left she quickly sent a message to Kirk telling him to “get a move on,” she watched as Kirk quickly jogged through Medbay’s doors into Leonard’s office; Christine watched the clock anxiously. Kirk swiftly left the office and up to the desk grinning wickedly, “part two,” he whispered before leaving to the mess hall to catch a quick meal. Christine smiled to herself as she tapped away at the most recent crew physicals.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

It had been a hellish day for you from the moment you woke up that morning, first you slept in making you twenty minutes late for your shift. Scotty wasn’t pleased but he let it slide due to the Holiday, and as a passive-aggressive punishment he gave you grunt work. A sudden shock brought you back to the present, cursing you shook your hand hoping to rid it of the tingling pain. A chirp from your belt made you want to cry in exasperation, flipping open your communicator you grimaced at the possible next project. “(Y/L/N) here,” you sighed pinching the bridge of your nose. “Lassie I need you to head to medical, McCoy’s replicator is on the fritz. The staff would love for you to make it hasty if ye can,” Scotty said sounding almost amused. Suppressing a groan you nodded to no one in particular, “Yeah Scotty I got it,” you muttered clearly unhappy with the prospect of going to Medbay; not that going to Medbay was a problem it was just the possibility of seeing the CMO. Putting away your tools, you close up the now functioning console. Waving goodbye to the people in security you nervously scurried to the Medical Bay. Clutching your toolkit in a white knuckle grasp your mind drifted remembering exactly how you came to be on bad terms with Doctor Leonard McCoy.

It was after the Enterprise was rebuilt; being stationed on Yorktown already, you were offered a position on her crew. Montgomery Scott came to you with the Captain in tow to ask if you personally. Surprised at first you couldn’t help but beam and be excited at the opportunity. Sometime after accepting the position as Mr. Scotts second you were informed that you had to get a general physical done; sighing at the prospect of having to deal with Yorktown medical you kept a constant mantra in your head, “Enterprise, Enterprise, Enterprise,” as if you could click your heels and you’d be right at home. Squaring your shoulders you checked in at the front desk; the receptionist smiled trying to hide a sympathetic cringe, she indicated that you should go to the twelfth floor where the Enterprises primary physician would see you. Hesitantly you said your thanks put off by the woman's attitude and moved to the elevators with a new nervousness.

A kind nurse (who turned out to be the one and only Christine Chapel) waited for you by the elevators. Looking up from her padd she had smiled at you warmly; most likely to put you at ease. “Lieutenant, lovely to see you,” she said, tone ringing like a bell; you smiled back before following her to an empty exam room. After weighing you and taking your height she gestured for you to hop up on the exam bed, smiling she looked up from her padd, “Alright, just wait here and Doctor McCoy will be in shortly,” and you were left alone to your thoughts. You had of course heard of the infamous Doctor of the Enterprise; the stories had to be exaggerated. At least you hoped they were. The sound of a door opening made you jump slightly; turning enough to see a dark-haired man wearing medical whites reading a padd. He was quite handsome if you were being honest with yourself. The only thing that threw you off was the deep scowl darkening his face. “Lieutenant (Y/L/N), I see that you had your yearly physical last month and that you’ve recently been here for...a broken arm,” he said in a rather nice southern drawl. You nodded, “Yes sir, broke it while fixing the wiring between...nevermind,” you laughed nervously at your babbling. McCoy raised a single eyebrow and managed to keep his scowl in place, “Engineer, huh?” he asked plucking a medical tricorder from it’s charging station across the room. You nodded sitting up straighter as he came back twiddling with the controls, he ran the scanner over your body and quickly took note of what it told him. “You idiot engineers are almost in my Medbay more than security,” he said gruffly. The statement made you bristle slightly a scowl now adorning your face, “We do what we need to, to keep things running.” you muttered sitting ramrod straight. Doctor McCoy snorted, “ you’re all reckless and have the self-preservation instincts of a rock,” he said, not caring at all if you were insulted. Gritting your teeth you fully glared at the man now, “Yeah well Doctors can be pompous egotistical assholes but you don’t see me complaining,” you said cocking your head to the side as if you were daring him to retaliate. The Doctor glared sticking a hypo sharply into your neck. You refused to flinch or complain. Doctor McCoy tossed away what seemed to be a vaccination and dismissed you with a simple, “You’re clear,”

You stopped before you hit the Medbay doors; blinking the memory away, you square your shoulders and headed in. You’ve been on the Enterprise for a year and you still argued with the CMO. You did your best to avoid him but something about him keeps bringing you back. The verbal sparring matches were fun and pretty legendary if you paid attention to crew gossip. He wasn’t bad to look at either, but for the life of you, you couldn’t stand the man. Literally. You couldn’t really stand in his presence, your knees would go weak and you constantly felt like you needed to throw up. Uhura and Christine laughed when you told them, they would declare that “You like him!” but you refused to admit anything of the sort. Walking into Medbay, you saw Christine puttering around checking off various things on her padd; upon seeing you, she glided over with a smile on her face. “Thank you so much for making this a priority!” she said giving you a gentle hug. Hugging her back you looked around noticing that Medbay was pretty much empty. “Where is everyone?” you asked walking with Christine to McCoy’s office, “The Holiday party,” she said giving you a look; as if you were supposed to know that. And she would be right, you winced at the reminder, “Kinda glad for my punishment now,” you muttered dryly.

You breathed a sigh of relief when you saw that it was empty. “Doctor McCoy is a terror this time of year and a broken replicator means no coffee, which means my life is hell until it’s fixed,” Christine said grumpily with a roll of her eyes. You snickered at the prospect of seeing the Doctor suffer through caffeine withdrawals, “I’ll do my best,” you said after taking a quick look at the machine. Christine grinned, “I’ll leave you to it,” she gushed before rushing back out into the ward. You shook your head, ‘she’s acting weirder than she usually does,’

Prying open the maintenance hatch you waved a hand back and forth at the smoke that emitted from the wiring. “Great,” you muttered as you pulled a little flashlight from your kit. Turning it on you peered inside careful of the now exposed wires, “what in the freaking hell,” you said mystified. Putting the flashlight between your teeth so you could use both hands you started to painstakingly pick through the circuitry. At the end of your first hour, you had almost taken apart the replicator entirely, “I’m gonna need all new parts,” you mumbled around the end of the flashlight. “I swear I’m not going to help him when he comes crawling to me tomorrow with a hangover,” a distinct southern voice grumbled from outside the door; of course you didn’t hear him until he was already in the room cursing up a storm startled by your appearance. Yelping at the sudden noise you dropped the flashlight from your mouth and wrenched your arm free of the replicator’s insides. Yelping a second time you hold your now heavily bleeding arm, “damn it!” you cursed irritated. You heard McCoy rush towards you, he quickly placed a hand towel from the nearby sink and placed it over the deep laceration. “Keep pressure on it,” he whispered sounding almost apologetic. You replaced his hand with yours wincing only a little at the burning sensation running up your arm into your shoulder. You watched as Doctor McCoy moved quickly for the door but slammed into it because it didn’t open for him. “What the hell?” he whispered and continuously hit the door control only for it to keep denying him. He looked over at you and you shrugged, “don’t look at me,” you said butt hitting the floor feeling light-headed.

Leonard cursed again; giving up on the door he pulled open multiple desk drawers looking for his mission first aid kit. After he found it he rushed to your side again, “How are you feeling?” he asked even though he was running a tricorder over you. “Today has been shitty,” you grunted tossing your wire cutters back into your tool bag. Leonard hummed in agreement as he bandaged your arm and giving you a hypo to help staunch the bleeding even further and another for the pain. “Thanks,” you sighed holding your arm protectively to your chest, Doctor McCoy huffed and sat back so he was facing you. You both looked up when the lights flickered off and into emergency lighting. “Typical,” McCoy muttered pinching the bridge of his nose, “The room is in Lockdown,” you observed mildly. Leonard scowled at your detachment, “Do you have a communicator on you?” he asked holding back his insults and sarcasm. Rolling your eyes you pulled the device from it's hiding place on your belt, flipping it open you hoped to reach Scotty. Nothing. Gritting your teeth you tried Uhura. Nothing again. Taking in a deep breath and letting it out slowly you tried one more time; to whoever was on comm tonight. Nothing for briefest of moments before the voice of Kevin Riley filtered through, “Kevin!” you gasped relieved, “hey I have a problem. I’m stuck in the CMO’s office can you send someone to help?” you asked sweetly. There was a pause over the line and the sound different voices whispering, “Yeah sure (Y/N) but it might take a while, we’re on a skeleton crew tonight. I’ll see what I can do!” Kevin said, his voice going pitchy at the end.

“He just lied through his teeth,” McCoy hissed irritation showing on his face and you offered your comm so he could try. “Nothing I can do; Jim is already too far gone and is probably the one who did all of this. And he most likely has an order out preventing anyone from helping us.” you pulled out your padd, hitting a few commands you pulled up to what looks to be a timer. You bit your lip, “yeah looks like we’re in timeout,” you said carefully leaning back so you were against the wall by the broken replicator. “Means he broke your caffeine provider,” you joked half-heartedly making the doctor shake his head ruefully. “Of all the stupid things…” he sighed. You observed him for a moment wanting to say something. Deciding against it you looked down at your scuffed up boots, “This has to be a great Christmas, stuck in a room with someone you hate,”

McCoy’s head snapped in you up at your statement, his green eyes flickered between so many emotions you couldn’t keep track. He settled on regret and shame, “I don’t hate you,” he whispered looking down at his clasped hands. You were about to laugh but he continued cautiously as if he were choosing his words with great care. “Though you are a pain in my ass, I don’t hate you. On the day we met, I got some bad news and I took it out on you. I am sorry for that.” he said taking a breath he looked up into your eyes again. “I Found out that I can’t see my daughter unless my ex allows it,” he said hoping the explanation would ease your mind as to why he had been such an ass to you. Thinning your lips you felt sympathy wash through you, knowing that’s not what he’s after you slowly crawled to sit next to him, “I’m sorry that happened, I guess that first impression made it hard for us to get along,” you said thinking about all the times you riled the man up over the past year. There was a tense silence for the next few minutes as you both tried to figure out how to mend the bridges you had burned. “I’m sorry,” you both said at the same time creating more awkwardness. Chuckling you picked at the bandages on your arm, the blood had already seeped through creating a giant red splotch, McCoy batted your hand away and gently tightened them again. “How about we start over?” he suggested after he was done. A smile crossed your lips, “Nice to meet you, I’m Lieutenant (Y/N) (Y/L/N)” you said holding out your hand.

McCoy smiled back taking your much smaller hand into his, “Leonard McCoy,” he whispered. “You know I’m going to need help dealing with the Captain after this, you in?” Leonard’s smile turned into a grin, “Darlin’ it would be my pleasure,” he drawled. The sudden pet name made your cheeks go red, Leonard didn’t seem to mind in the slightest. He loved it when you blushed, whether it was from anger or embarrassment. He listened amused as you muttered about programming an alarm to play Klingon death metal loudly in Kirk’s quarters at three in the morning. You trailed off after trying to explain how you would do it, sheepishly you looked up through your lashes seeing Leonard looking down at you with complete wonderment. “What?” you laughed and he shook his head like he was trying to shake himself out of a daze, “nothin’ I-” he broke off the sentence and looked away embarrassed. The tops of his ears turned red; at that point, you only just noticed that neither of you let go of each other’s hands. He didn’t say anything so you didn’t either. Feeling the day hit you, you yawned tiredly and rested your head on McCoy's shoulder; “(Y/N)” the sound of Leonards’s voice made you hum, eyes closing. “After we thoroughly take care of Jim, do you…” he trailed off losing courage. Leonard growled in frustration, it made you smile. “Yeah, I’ll have a drink with you,” you murmur sleepily. The doctor snorted a laugh, “typical, you couldn’t have let me finish,” he muttered referencing past arguments where he could rarely get a word in edgewise. “It’s all part of my charm,” you yawned and moved closer as Leonard pulled his arm away so he could wrap it around you. He felt warm despite the chill in his office, he was actually happy to be stuck there with you “I don’t know darlin’ I think we need to get the Captain a bottle of bourbon,” you snorted and shook your head, “No his ego will be the size of Europa,” you mumbled drifting off. It was another hour before the lights flickered back to normal and the office door became unsealed, “not a word Christine,” McCoy hissed when the head nurse peaked in mischievously. The woman chuckled, “of course not sir,” she whispered watching as her boss gently lifted you off the floor with ease.

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#star trek aos #leonard mccoy x reader #Leonard McCoy #reader insert #25 days of ficmas #Hailey the typo queen

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megalony · 4 years

Text

Skipped a beat

This is my second Spock imagine which I hope everyone will enjoy, feedback is always appreciated.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @rogermeddow @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @rogahs-drowse @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog

Masterlist

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim raised an eyebrow at the request (Y/n) just asked him as his lips twitched upwards into a smile which aggravated her to no end, although she tried not to let it show.

The first time she'd asked to go to sickbay Jim had been slightly worried about one of his lieutenants, wondering if everything was okay so of course he had allowed her to go and get checked over. The second time a few days later when (Y/n) asked if she could go, Jim was rather concerned if there was something she wasn't telling him. The third time he had allowed it since it was close to the end of her shift and she didn't look too good. But now it was the fourth time and she had been on the deck all that of half an hour into her shift before requesting if she could go back to sickbay where she was basically going to live soon enough at the rate she was going.

Jim was beginning to think she was having some kind of phantom pains that disappeared when she saw Bones. Jim had consulted with the CMO about her condition when he got worried something wasn't right but the brilliant doctor could find nothing wrong with her other than an elevated heart rate that wasn't too much of a big concern right now.

"You've been here half an hour, you really want to go see Bones that badly?" He tried not to laugh, not seeing the pain in her eyes from the fire swelling in her chest and going throughout her system. Jim knew that (Y/n) was married to Spock but he wouldn't be himself if he didn't make jibes or jokes whether appropriate or not.

"Captain..." She trailed off, hoping that her friend would understand she wasn't going just to see Bones, she wanted his help not to gaze at him like Jim seemed to think.

"This would be the fourth time you've gone to see him, he says there isn't anything wrong (Y/n). If it gets really bad then you can go." He responded. Jim didn't want to be unreasonable in case she really did have a problem this time and he made it worse by not allowing her to go but she wasn't crying or rolling on the floor in pain so he hoped she would be alright to carry on with her work for the time being.

Making her way back over to her desk, (Y/n) slumped down in her chair as she huffed, pushing back the tears that threatened to spill down her features as she continued to work despite the growing pain surging through her. After around twenty minutes of agonising silence, (Y/n) turned in her chair and looked at Spock who was stationed next to her, hoping he would be slightly more easy going than Jim to allow her to go to sickbay. Especially since they were together, he might be able to see the pain she was feeling and allow her leave.

(Y/n) and Spock were always very professional when they were on shift and she knew that might mean Spock wouldn't let her go to sickbay because he didn't want to be seen like he was favouring her because they were married. Nor would Spock want to say yes when Jim had already declined (Y/n)'s request, but (Y/n) hoped he would see the pain she was in.

"Spock?" She asked quietly, not raising her voice so that Jim wouldn't catch her trying to ask the commander knowing full well Jim would blow a fuse. They were good friends but he was still captain and what he said goes.

"Yes, lieutenant?" He responded, putting down his pad as he turned his head in her direction, always being professional when working.

"Permission to go to sickbay?" She questioned, her voice straining slightly which he noticed causing him to narrow his eyes which scanned over (Y/n)'s frame, noticing that she was starting to tremble and her breathing wasn't even or controlled. There was worry circulating in his eyes but there was also a look of contemplation because he had already heard Jim deny (Y/n)'s request only half an hour ago.

"It is to my knowledge that the captain denied your request." He responded with slight concern etched into his usually monotone voice and (Y/n) could see there was worry in his gaze. (Y/n) nodded to his question but was still determined to get him to give her the permission she needed.

"Please Spock, it hurts." She mumbled, pressing a hand to her chest which concerned him as her hand was hovering right over her heart. Spock's lips pressed into a thin line and the debate in his mind could be seen on his features before he seemed to relent and give in.

Leaning back into his chair, Spock wheeled the chair closer to (Y/n) until their knees bumped together. He reached his hand out and delicately but still firmly took her wrist in his hand, pressing his index and middle finger over her pulse. The mental math was very easy and quick for Spock to silently calculate as he counted the number of beats her heart was producing and counted a minute in his head. The numbers didn't add up to the total they should have, telling Spock that her heartbeat was fluctuating and uneven which could be a reason for the distress his wife was clearly feeling.

"Granted, do you need assistance?" His head tilted at an angle as he asked the question, he would be more than happy with taking her to see Bones just to reassure himself that she was alright. But (Y/n) shook her head at the kind offer, managing some sort of tight-lipped smile before she slowly pushed herself to her feet which allowed Spock to notice just how badly she was shaking.

Spock's eyes stayed glued to her frame, twisting his chair around so he could watch her due to the increasing panic building up inside of him which he couldn't control. He watched (Y/n) hold onto the backs of chairs or lean on desks to keep herself upright and give some momentum to keep walking. But Spock suddenly stood bolt upright, surprising one or two of the crew around him but he didn't care. His eyes narrowed and his angled brows furrowed in fear and confusion when he watched (Y/n) stand completely still, her breaths more laboured than before.

He wasted no time in briskly walking over to (Y/n)'s side, wrapping one arm securely around her waist before he pressed his other hand to her neck, his fingers firm over her artery to feel her pulse. His hand hurriedly shifted from her neck to grab at her waist when (Y/n)'s legs gave out beneath her like they had suddenly snapped or turned to jelly. Her body crumpled against Spock but he held her weight up before quickly going down on his knees, pulling (Y/n) with him and shifting her so she was leaning against him.

Shivers ran up and down Spock's spine when (Y/n)'s hands flew to press to her chest as a strangled cry left her lips.

"Captain!" He stated loudly, moving (Y/n) into a better position as she gasped for breath like she was being drowned. Hearing the distress of his commander, Jim got up quickly and rounded the side of the chair, bending down beside Spock who was holding (Y/n) to his chest. The commander was clearly trying to help or think of what to do but he came up with nothing because he didn't know what was happening.

"Chekov get McCoy up here now."

"Aye captain." Chekov's response was instant as he quickly pressed the intercom to for Bones to come up to the bridge immediately. Everyone on the bridge was confused as to what was happening but they tried not to ogle at the situation, knowing it wouldn't help.

"S-Spock..." (Y/n) gasped, hardly able to get the word to pass through her lips from the shortness of breath the pain caused. Neither of them were sure what (Y/n) was asking but Spock didn't seem to mind or care.

"Just focus on trying to breathe." He responded, his tone more gentle than usual as (Y/n) snapped her eyes closed, resting her head back on his shoulder as her hand pressed harshly to her chest. Her breaths came out rapid but short as tears left her eyes which were scrunched up tight as her face contorted in pain. Jim reached out and held her free hand for support and comfort as Spock pressed his hand to her neck, checking her pulse again and rubbing his fingers over the artery trying to add slight pressure. Feeling that her heartbeat was uneven, and the sudden pain added with that suggested she had some kind of palpitation.

Running into the room with a med bag in hand, Bones looked around for a moment before squatting down beside the trio on the floor. Jim silently moved out of the way to let the doctor through and assess the situation. Bones ruffled through the med bag and grabbed an oxygen mask which he pressed against (Y/n)'s lips and nose to try and help her get some more oxygen since her breathing wasn't very good at the moment. Tears were falling from her eyes like a stream when the pain in her chest felt like she was continuously being stabbed.

"Darlin' I think your heart must have skipped a beat. I want you to come to medbay so I can keep an eye on you."

Nodding in response, (Y/n) handed him back the oxygen mask feeling no need to have it anymore as Jim and Spock gently helped her to her feet. Looking to Spock, Jim nodded at the silent question asking if he could go along with them, knowing his mind wouldn't fully be on his work if he didn't know if (Y/n) was alright.

Bones took over from Jim, helping to keep (Y/n) stood upright since she didn't seem to hold a lot of strength anymore. Silence enveloped the three of them as they made their way down to the turbolift to get to medbay. Bones had wondered if the problems (Y/n) was having were due to some sort of defect in her heart but the scans he had done didn't show anything wrong. Bones couldn't find any problems.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at Bones, waiting to be told some kind of evidence or theory that something was wrong with (Y/n). She was a friend to Jim and he cared about her but she also had a vital job to do that he needed her for and right now it seemed that Bones was saying there wasn't anything wrong with her.

The palpitation she had suffered could have just been from stress or a one-time thing but because she had been having problems for a while Bones wasn't letting her leave medbay so easily. He cared about her and he wasn't letting her go if there was any risk to her health. Spock agreed with Bones, they still didn't know what was wrong and anything something could happen or things could drastically change in a split second. But for the past week, she had been in the medbay and tests showed nothing.

"Bones, I need her back on the bridge and you said yourself nothing is wrong."

"Goddammit Jim she could have another palpitation and it could damage her heart, she isn't going back to work." Bones responded, placing his hands on his hips as his knee bent forward. He cocked a brow, just daring the captain to go against him on this as he began to get more agitated by the second.

"Bones..." (Y/n) trailed off, a pleading look on her features. Staying at the medbay was only going to help if something went wrong but for a week she had been relatively fine with no more palpitations or any other problems and she couldn't just sit and do nothing anymore. Her chest was still aching and there was the odd pain but it was nothing serious and the monitors didn't show anything. (Y/n) couldn't sit here forever and wait until some sign appeared for what was causing this. For all they knew, it had stopped for good now.

When Bones locked eyes with (Y/n) he let out an irritated sigh, feeling anger boiling up inside of him when he realised he wasn't going to be able to stop her from going back to work. She would just leave when she wanted at this rate.

"Half days and you check in with me every day. Anything at all feels wrong get your ass back here. Go." He ordered with a stern look. As long as she got check-ups every day for at least another week or so she might be alright with no further complications, but he couldn't promise anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What are you doing here, lieutenant?"

(Y/n) could feel a bubble of anxiety welling up in her chest when the voice she knew so well hit her ears. Her eyes locked with Scotty for a brief moment before (Y/n) took a deep breath and pushed herself off the console so she was standing straight. She spun slowly on her heels so she could turn and look at Spock who was standing just how she knew he would be, hands clasped together behind his back which was as straight as a board. His shoulders were level and straight and his head was ticked to the side ever so slightly at a small angle.

His eyes were creased at the sides and his lips were in their normal straight line, but (Y/n) could read behind the emotionless expression. She could see the look in his eyes that showed he was slightly agitated for a reason they both knew and the way he held his chin up showed he was trying to stay calm and not cause a scene.

"I'm here to go down to the planet for surveillance." (Y/n) rubbed her palms against her dress but maintained eye contact with Spock, even when his expression ever so slightly changed and his eyes twitched and narrowed.

"Your health evaluation clearly states you are not permitted to leave the Enterprise."

(Y/n) closed her eyes for a moment as her hands grasped the hem of her dress, scrunching it up tightly to try and stay calm. She knew trying to get away with this wasn't going to work but she had gone ahead and tried anyway. Bones and Jim had agreed that (Y/n) couldn't do any away missions, not even going down to a planet for surveillance like this for an hour or two. They deemed it too dangerous in case she suffered any more palpitations or symptoms, even though she had been fine for just over a week now.

"Lassy, you told me you had permission for this." Scotty turned in his seat so he could look between the couple, sighing when the look in (Y/n)'s eyes told him she had lied to try and do some work.

Biting on her lower lip, (Y/n) gripped her dress even tighter before she walked over to Spock and reached for his arm so she could pull him over to a quiet corner to talk. She knew he was looking out for her but her duties were now limited and it felt horrible for (Y/n) to be doing very little when everyone else was working really hard. Spock knew better than anyone that (Y/n) loved surveying new planets.

"Lieutenant, you should not try to leave the Enterprise without informing anyone." The way that Spock tilted his head to the side showed he wasn't best pleased, he knew no one would give her permission to go but if she was so determined she should have at least told them. Even if she just commed them and said she was on the mission already, they should know in case something happened.

"I know Spock and I'm sorry... but what if you come with me? I, I just want to do some work and be useful, I've been fine for over a week now."

"Dr Mccoy said your health is a concern and I agree, missions are likely to make your health worse." Spock wasn't even going to start trying to lecture her about the importance of her job because they both knew she was valued, that was the reason Jim wanted her back to work so quickly.

(Y/n) didn't try and argue because there was no way Spock was going to let her get near the transporter now and if she did Scotty wasn't about to beam her down anyway so she was stuck on the ship just like before. Tipping her head down, (Y/n) bypassed Spock and headed for the turbolift to go back to bridge where she could at least try and do her job. She fought hard to stop her expression from giving away how she felt when Spock reached out and held onto her arm the moment they both entered the lift.

"I do not mean to upset you, (Y/n), I am only, as you say, looking out for you."

Spock thought for a moment that (Y/n) was angry with him when she didn't respond, but when he turned to face her he noticed her expression looked ever so slightly panicked and her eyes looked distanced like she was far away in her mind.

"T'hy'la, are you alright?" He questioned, concern showing in his eyes as his tone warned her not to lie and try to tell him that she was fine.

Spock got protective and although it wasn't always evident in his expression or his words, (Y/n) knew it was always there. But (Y/n) knew right now that if she told Spock something was wrong she would be sent right to medbay and she wouldn't be working for the rest of the day or even possibly the week. She didn't want to go back and be a sitting duck waiting for something to go wrong because it was getting very worrying, (Y/n) was panicking that there might be something wrong that could be fatal and they didn't know about it.

"My rhythm's uneven again- only slightly though." She responded as Spock seemed to want to find out for himself. He rested his hand against her neck which to anyone else would have looked like a loving touch, but his middle and index fingers were feeling her pulse. His eyes narrowed as he felt her heartbeat, seeing that it wasn't that much of a difference in rhythm and didn't seem to be getting any worse which was good.

"I think it best that you take a trip to see doctor McCoy, just to be sure."

"No, I'm okay I just need a minute." She responded, moving so that she could wrap her arms around Spock's middle, pressing her head into his chest. The action seemed to stun the Vulcan for a moment because displays of affection like this didn't happen when they were on shift, they both made sure to stay professional. But after a brief moment, Spock pushed those thoughts aside and wrapped his arms around her.

Spock knew going to medbay wasn't something she enjoyed at the moment, she hated sitting with nothing to do but worry and both of them knew if her pain got worse Spock would take her himself anyway. Just as Spock was going to pull away when he noticed they were almost at the bridge, he stopped when her arms tightened around his middle rather suddenly.

"Th'y'la?" He questioned, concern creeping into his voice when she hugged him tighter than before yet stayed completely silent until a sudden whimper escaped her lips. Pulling back Spock leaned down to look at her due to the height difference, his hand pressing to her neck once again, feeling that her heart was clenching like it was having spasms. "Doctor McCoy now." He stated gently, keeping her pressed to his side as he reached out and pushed the button for the medbay instead.

"Bones." Leonard turned his head at hearing (Y/n)'s voice which sounded slightly distressed and strained making him worried and on edge. Turning around he briskly walked to the door of the medbay to find out what was happening although he could already tell she was having some sort of symptom again. Bones stood beside the couple but he didn't get one word out before (Y/n) choked on air like a silent scream was trying to leave her lips. If Spock wasn't holding onto her tightly Bones was sure she would have crumpled to the floor in a heap.

"On the bed." He ordered, helping Spock to hoist (Y/n) over to the closest bed as she breathed like she couldn't catch her breaths, sweat glistening on her skin which was turning paler by the second. Grabbing a tricorder Bones held it over her chest, frowning as fear came across his features causing concern to boil up inside of Spock wondering what was happening to his wife. "The blood's leaking into her left ventricle."

Looking down at his wife, Spock held her hand tightly in his own, wincing every time that (Y/n) groaned or whined from the pain that was circulating all through her chest. Her head pressed back into the pillows causing her chest to arch from the bed until Leonard gently pushed her down so she was lying flat.

"Alright, (Y/n) I'm gonna give you a sedative and then an injection to stop your valve from spasming." Leonard waited patiently until (Y/n) nodded in understanding before he pushed the needle into the vein on her wrist, watching as the shaking in her body slowly died down and her eyes half-closed. He didn't give her quite enough to put her unconscious but there was enough to calm her down and stop the pain in her chest from being noticeable.

(Y/n) barely felt the needle pressing into her chest to stop her heart from clenching and spasming but she noticed the moment that her heart seemed to relax.

"The problem's her mitral valve, it's too loose and it's letting the blood backflow into the chambers. I think the best option is keyhole surgery to strengthen the valve. Spock, I'll need you to sign the consent forms." Leonard barely finished his sentence before he had disappeared to get his padd for Spock to sign.

The valve was like a door that closed after the blood pushed through to the next chamber of the heart, but it was becoming loose and floppy and letting the blood fall back into the lower chamber. This stopped the blood from getting around (Y/n)'s body as quickly as it was needed but it wasn't happening often enough for it to be visible on scans or monitoring. Bones couldn't let it continue because it was clearly becoming too loose and it had been a problem for over two months now. He had to fix it before (Y/n) got any worse.

At least they had found the problem in time.

#spock #commander spock #spock x reader #spock imagine #star trek #leonard mccoy #jim kirk

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space-helen · 5 years

Text

Be You

Words: 1205

Pairing: Spock x Reader

Request: Could I possibly request #30 from the drabble prompt list for disco Spock? I love your writing so much by the way 👀 - anon #30 - “Be you. No one else can.”

A/N: I forgot how much I loved writing Spock!! Hope you enjoy 💖

______________________

“Captain. Do you think Lieutenant Y/L/N is alright? She appears to be troubled.” Spock said gazing over in your direction.

“I don’t know Spock she hasn’t seemed to be at the top of her game recently.” The captain replied, finishing off his plate of food.

“I have noticed the Lieutenant has been eating alone. She usually likes to accompany me.”

The captain sighed, “We need to get back to the bridge but I’d suggest talking to her soon. We can’t have anyone feeling upset on board. Can I trust you to sort it out as her friend rather than me calling her into my office officially?”

Spock nodded “You can certainly count on me, Captain. However, you are also her friend so if the opportunity arises for you to do so as a friend before I do it would only be logic-”

“Alright, Spock I get your point.”

Standing from the table you returned your plate before continuing back to the bridge. Your days had become a blur. Recently you wanted to be left alone most of the time yet yearned for company. Your usual bubbly and friendly self had dwindled over the past couple of weeks and now, you were at rock bottom.

You hadn’t been on the enterprise long yet you’d made friends with most of the bridge crew that you worked with on the daily and you were happy, but recently you’d started to doubt yourself. Not just doubting your ability to be able to do your job but also you’d started doubting your friendships. You tried to ignore these feelings of worthlessness but sometimes you just couldn’t. Everyone on the bridge was just so much better than you and they surely didn’t care about you as much as you thought they did. You’d been having thoughts that said if you didn’t turn up for work one day no one would care and you’d be easily replaced. Most nights for the past week you’d end up crying to yourself in your quarters.

Entering the bridge you mustered up a smile, if you could even call it that, and made your way to your station before plopping down into your seat. The afternoon passed quickly translating signals as requested. Everything had been going fine until you made a mistake, the mistake wasn’t critical and was a slip-up anyone could make but it still got you down. The Captain could tell that you were frustrated and tried to ensure you that it was all ok and deep down you knew it, but the little voice in your head said otherwise.

Finishing your shift you exited the bridge as quickly as you could. Thankful that no one else's shift ended at the same time. Looking up from the floor you saw Spock walking towards you, you looked down before speeding up.

“Lieutenant Y/L/N may I speak with you?”

Stopping you mustered a smile once again and looked up at the man “Sure Spock how can I help?”

“I do not wish to sound rude. However, is there something wrong? You seem to not be your usual self.”

You looked down before meeting Spock’s eyes. “I’m fine”

“From your recent behavior, I would conclude that you are not, as you say, fine. Y/N you can speak to me I assure you. I just want the best for you we all do.”

The use of your first name calmed you, he was here as a friend not as a colleague. Feeling all of your emotions rush to the surface you stifled a sob, a tear welling up in your eye and falling. “Your right Spock I’m not fine.” you managed to get out.

Although half Vulcan his heart dropped at the sight of you crying. “Maybe we should go somewhere more private than out in the corridor?” he suggested taking a step closer to you. Nodding you lead him around the corner to your quarters before taking a seat on your bed. Spock pulled up the chair from under your desk and sat opposite you.

There were moments of silence, Spock just keeping you welcome company as you sniffled before you finally spoke. “I just feel worthless Spock.” you paused, “I feel like every day I do something wrong, every day there’s someone out there that could do a better job than me. I’m taking up someone’s place on the Enterprise, they could deserve it more than me.” you wiped the tears from your face and snot from your nose “I feel like if I didn’t turn up for work and just disappeared I wouldn’t be missed and I’d be easily replaced. I’ve been doubting my friendships too. I know none of these feelings are real and I’m just having a tough time being away from home right now but there’s… there’s this little voice in my head which keeps telling me these things. It started two weeks ago and just hasn’t stopped.” you breathed “I’m so sorry Spock I shouldn’t be piling this all on you.”

He leaned forward and placed his hand on your knee. A very out of character gesture for the man. “Y/N I know this is easier to say. Do not listen to those voices in your head. They are irrelevant. You are one of the best people at your job, that’s why you were put on the Enterprise. I speak for the bridge crew when I say this, although you have not been here long you are an asset and part of the family now, we all care about you immensely and enjoy your company. I for one would like to get to know you better if you would allow it.”

You placed your hand on top of Spock’s “I’d like to spend more time with you too. I know I shouldn’t listen and I try not too it’s hard.”

“It will not be easy to ignore the voice but if you ever need someone to talk to I am here along with the rest of the bridge crew. I am also more than happy to teach you some Vulcan meditation techniques which may help you if you are willing?”

“Thank you, Spock.”

“A quote from my mother, Amanda, just came to mind. I think it applies very well to this situation. She used to say it a lot to me as a child when I had worries much like yours on Vulcan as I often felt inferior and like a monster or freak compared to the other children.” you brought your eyes to look into the mans “Be you. No one else can.”

You smiled a watery smile as a couple of silent tears escaped your eyes and you gently squeezed Spock’s hand. “That means a lot.”

The man nodded and removed his hand from your knee. “You are one of the best, no one else could do your job to your ability and that is why you are here.” He stood. “Would you like to join me to get something to eat?”

“That’d be nice.” You wiped your hands across your cheeks to get rid of your tears before joining Spock and heading back into the now bustling corridors of the Enterprise. Tag List: (open)

All Star Trek Disco: @allthetrek @mrscasnovak @carrie-85

Spock: @endlesssummerfun @cynthianokamaria

#spock x reader #spock disco x reader #star trek x reader #star trek disco x reader #writing

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carrietrekkie · 5 years

Text

Welcome to Starfleet.

Hello!

This one is a little lighter! Something funny after the big trouble last time, with a romantic touch. Cathrin receives some unexpected suprises. Its a two part story. Here comes the first!

Enjoy and if you don´t mind, leave me a little FB!

@bold-brave-courageous

Let me know if anyone wants to be tagged.

I put the cylinder in the hub, turned it in the required direction, then closed the drawer and turned to the control. I thought for a moment, then reached out a finger and entered the commands that Tilly had called me. "Stop it." Then she interrupted me. "Are you sure?" I squinted at her, then pinched my eyebrows and went through my steps again. "Wait." I swung around and tapped the buttons below. I didn´t see, how Silvia smiled satisfied, I just saw that the screen actually confirmed to me that the spore drive was now ready for use. Of course only theoretically.

"I can´t believe it!" I jerked my hands up. "This is awesome!" "When it´s going gets tough, it's of course something completely different." "Of course, I don´t intend to make that my main task." Nevertheless, I couldn´t help it to smile over my ears. "But it's good to know that I can help at least a bit in an emergency." "After the break, let's try again." She pulled out the container and placed it next to the console. "Let's see what's stuck." "How mean." I puckered my nose as Tilly wiped a macro aside. "I have two more settings to check, then we can go." "No hurry." I smiled at her, then we left the engine room and made our way to the bridge "I'm really holding you from nothing more important?" "On the contrary!" She beamed at me. "Thanks to you, I can practice the same way, as I instructed subordinates, please excuse the term." "It's like that somehow." I grinned at her. "And you're doing great!" "So you would not mind if Commander Saru were watching us?" "Why? It's a great opportunity for you. "We left the turbolift and entered the bridge. "But you must not be angry if I embarrass you." "You, embarrass me?" She stopped and gave me a weird look. "You even looked elegant when you came from Starbase 10, completely covered in blood." "Well then, I'll embarrass you elegantly." I looked to the side as I noticed that everyone was looking at us. I squinted at Tilly, who grinned and then shrugged. "Sil, what's going on here?"

"Ms. Zimmer." The voice made me sigh very inelegantly, but I pulled myself together and turned to her. "Admiral Cornwell. It´s nice to see you again. "I cleared my throat, not even I missed that this had not sounded so straightforward.

“It's nice to see you doing well." She raised her hand and beckoned to me. "Don´t worry, I will not bite you." "I didn´t accept it either." Nevertheless, I knew that I didn´t respond very quickly to her request. "I want to apologize." That made me open my eyes widely. "Admiral, I think there is nothing to excuse. You can´t be fault for Agent Prescot kidnapping me from the Discovery."

"Still." She interrupted me. "Our urge to fulfill the tasks that we face as efficiently as possible sometimes unfortunately makes us forget that there are guidelines, oaths and orders that we have to adhere to." A small smile crept over her face. "And with us, I mean in this case, section 31." She lowered her voice slightly. "And my person." "I think that sometimes happens to us all like this." I took the hand that she held out to me. This time, I didn´t hesitate when I grabbed her. "But I appreciate it, thank you, Admiral." "Good, after that's settled." She reached past Pike for something that rested on the arm of the command chair. I used that second to look at the captain, but this time I didn´t make it out of him. Cornwell turned back to me.

"Ms. Zimmer, you acted level-headed and calmly in a situation in which others had lost more than their nerves. You saved a life by risking your own and that. "She lifted something up. "Are exactly the conditions that Starfleet expects from their officers." "What's going on here?" I gave Christopher a quick look, he smiled at me. "We have forwarded your data to HQ." He replied. "It'll take a while, but when it's over, you're officially citizens of the United Federation of Planets, like everyone here." Pike made a move that included everyone on the bridge.

"This is just the beginning and there is certainly still a long way to go, which I will follow with great interest, but for now." Cornwell handed me a badge. "Welcome to Starfleet." "Wuhuu!"

That was Tilly, then she started to clap and the whole crew agreed. For a few seconds, I didn´t know what was happening to me, then I took the badge from Cornwell's fingers and stared at it. It was one of the silver ones, not yet assigned to a department, but when I turned it over my name was on the back. "Congratulations." She put a hand on my arm, then smiled at me. "Don´t let me regret that." "I'm doing my best, Mam."

"May I now?" Tilly suddenly stood behind me and Cornwell had not really let me go yet, then she fell on my neck. "Oh, I'm so happy!" "What do you think, how I feel?" "Congratulations!" Silvia pushed me on to Michael, who hugged me as well. "Thank you!" Spock followed this, I accepted the handshake as extremely warmhearted, as did Saru's tender patting my shoulder. It joined the entire bridge crew, which almost made me cry, but I pulled myself together until.

"I hate to be the spoilsport." Pike raised his voice slightly. "But we have to take the admiral home. Set course to starbase 14, Warp 5 " "Aye Sir." Detmer grinned at me, then sat back down at her station and executed the order. The rest of the crew also turned to his duties. "Do you have a moment?" He spoke again in normal volume. "Yes Sir." I looked around. "Where is the admiral? I still wanted to thank her. " "I think she can handle it." He asked me to come with him and I followed him into his ready room.

The door closed behind us and I ran into him when he stopped without warning. "Oops, sorry." I grinned at him. "I will survive it. May I?" "What exactly?"

He reached for the hand I still held the badge with and lifted it. Then he tapped my fingers and I opened them. His fingertips brushed against my palm as he picked it up.

"That." He hesitated almost imperceptibly, then tethered the delta to the designated spot. "Are you wearing there." "Aye Captain." Now I had to swallow hard, it didn´t help that he locked me in his arms and I automatically put mine around his shoulders. "Congratulations, Cathrin." I heard his voice right next to my ear, involuntarily it shot a shiver down my spine. "Thanks Chris!" I hugged him tightly. Far too long, as it would have been appropriate, then we let go of each other. "I hope that was fine." He pointed towards the bridge. "Ensign Tilly was of the opinion that this must celebrate this big." "Yeah, all right." I turned to follow him as he walked to his desk, typed in something, and continued toward the conference table, when I noticed something. "Wait, why must?"

He laughed, then leaned against the table. "I told her that I'm the wrong person for that." "What are you the wrong person for?" I joined him and sat down next to him on the table. “Sitting on the table is not entirely in accordance with the regulations”. He gave me a grinning look. "Oh, I'm on duty?" I jerked my nose. "Well, uniform, badge." He moved his hand up and down in front of me "So, yes, as far as that applies in your case." I was spurred on by my good mood and leaned against him a little.

"Chris?" I shrugged my eyebrows. "Yes please." He did it like me, also a big smile on his face. “You try to distract me and don´t say that it isn´t so.” "I don´t know what you mean."

He tore himself away from my eyes and walked on again, strangely towards the desk. He squinted almost imperceptibly, then moved on.

"All right, where were we?" "You were lying to me." "Um." He made a funny face, then pointed to the replicator. "How about something to drink?" "Gladly. Truth serum? " "I was thinking more about champagne." "Okay." I straightened up a bit. "The box are able to made such chic things. "

“No, not really." Chris pulled out a bottle from the fridge, which I just noticed for the first time, from the closet next to two glasses. "Wow, there is still something like that?" I slipped to my feet and walked over to him. "Of course." He tore open the lock, released the cage, and removed the cork from the bottle. Didn´t find the content so great and gushed happily out of the bottle. "Oh, be careful!" I reached for the glasses frantically and held them under the bottle. Just didn´t helped much.

What he couldn´t catch with his mouth ran over his fingers and dripped onto the floor. I couldn´t help but given the situation and the face that he made and started to laugh. "Okay, I'm out of practice." He joined me, then shook a few drops from his hand. "That was planned differently."

"Really?" I found a napkin and he handed me in exchange for it the bottle. I turned and poured us both. Again, it foamed properly. I held the glass to my lips and sipped the foam.

"I could do that better once." I handed him his empty glass and poured it, fortunately, accident-free. "What a mess." He threw the napkin back on the shelf, then looked at me. "But the stuff from the replicator is inedible." I glanced over his shoulder. "Some other seemingly too." "Oh yes." Then he pulled himself together for a moment, raised his glass and looked at me. "On you and may the stars always be favorable to you." I couldn´t think of anything, so I clink my glass at his and we both took a sip.

"Do not get me wrong." I looked at him. "This is wonderful, but it did leave me a feeling like you're just trying to distract me." He smiled, then turned his glass between his fingers before he took mine from me and put them both on the coffee table. "Tilly insisted on throwing a party." Pike squinted at me. "And after all that has happened lately, I think that's a brilliant idea." "Ah ha." I grinned at him. "They are in the lounge 3 now and prepare everything." "And you pulled the short match and have to keep me as inconspicuous as possible." I made a few quotes with my fingers in the air. "Steer there." "Which I don´t seem to be very adept at. But you can´t do everything. " "Seems like."

I shrugged, then reached out and told him I wanted my glass back. With a big grin he pushed it into my fingers. I started, draining it all at once and making him understand that he ought to do the same. He smiled and accepted the request. When he pulled away, he raised an eyebrow. I noticed immediately how the alcohol went to my head. "I usually give the orders." He reached for the bottle and poured another. " I will try to pull myself together in the future." I did the same. "At the moment, I'm not giving any orders, except maybe to the replicator." He laughed at that again, which died down a bit as I drank the glass out again. "Whoa Cathrin, slow." He fished the glass out of my fingers, and I grinned at him.

"Two things you should know about me." "I'm all ears." He put the glasses away again. "Although I like to dance, I'm not a party person at all." "Sounds contradictory, but good." He smirked at me sweetly. "What is number two?" "I don´t actually drink." I put my hands around his shoulders again. "Mostly because I don´t tolerate alcohol, especially champagne." I felt him put his hands on my arms. "What you don´t say?" That he at least tried not to laugh at me, I expected him very high. "Come on, let's bring you to your party before you didn´t get there anymore." He pulled my arms off his shoulders, but he did not let go of my hand.

"On one condition." I raised my finger, which I pulled back in, realizing how stupid that would look like. "Actually two." "Let them hear." "I would like a glass of water." So I went past him, poured one and emptied it just as I had done before with the champagne. "Better." "Okay, we're holding on."

With a small jerk he pulled me back to himself. My sense of balance, however, was already confused enough that it made me stumble and I trickled him into his arms. "No more drinks for you, not today." He held me until everything had stopped spinning. "Good idea." I smiled at him. "What is condition number two?" "You have to dance with me."

Masterlist

#star trek discovery #star trek discovery fan fiction #star trek discovery oc #chris pike #chris pike x reader #christopher pike x reader #captain pike x reader #captain pike x oc #captain chris pike #pike x oc #chris pike x oc #captain christopher pike #writeblr #cathrin zimmer #captain pike fan fiction

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mybullshitsensesaretingling · 7 years

Text

A Mistake

Request: Hi I was wondering if I could have a Spock request where I tell him about my feelings towards him but he says he does't feel anything towards me which is a lie because he wants to keep me safe so I avoid him to save the heartbreak. Soon he find out that I died on a mission and breaks down until they realise I haven't died and confesses his feelings.. sweet fluff and angst would be wonderful... thankyou <3 - @sammat97

You pulled your face away from your microscope to record your findings. Your attention drifted away from your research and up to Spock standing across the room, reviewing some data. He stood perfectly still, completely focused. When he turned around you went back to your work, removing the slide and pretending you hadn’t been watching him.

It wasn’t until he started walking towards the door that you spoke up, “Spock, do you have any plans for this evening?”

“I don’t.”

“Well, in that case,” you put in a new slide. “Would you like get a drink with me?” You hesitated a second, and then clarified, “On a date.”

“I don’t believe that would be a good idea.”

“Oh.”

“It would be inappropriate, as I am your boss.”

You nodded a little too quickly. “I understand.”

He nodded like he was saying “good” and left, leaving you to wallow in the aftermath of the conversation.

“Tell me again how you hit your head?” Bones said, shining a light in your eyes.

“There’s only so many times you can laugh.”

“I’m pretty sure this is an endless source of amusement.” He swapped the light for a tricorder. “I just don’t understand what the cactus was for.”

“If you don’t already know, then I can’t tell you,” you smirked.

He shook his head. “I’m sure Chekov had it coming, but, come on, he’s just a kid.”

“He knew what he was getting into.”

“I’m a little scared to see how you get even when you’re not stuck in space.”

“Let’s hope you never find out,” you smiled.

“Are you warning me to stay on your good side?” As he stepped off to the side, you saw Spock walking through the sickbay doors and your face fell.

“I should be going.” You dropped down from the exam table.

“We’re in the middle of an exam.”

“And now we’re at the end of one.” You patted his arm. “If I vomit I’ll come back.”

“You better,” he called after you as you darted from the room.

“Hey.” You barely glanced up from your station as Phillips passed by. You held up a PADD as he came to a halt. “Could you take this to the Commander for me? It’s the report for yesterday’s mission.”

“You want me to take that to him?” His tone made you look up.

“Yes. I’m busy. You don’t seem to be.” You turned back to your work. “It’s called teamwork, Phillips.”

“I know what teamwork is.” He took the PADD from you and folded it under his arm. “It’s just weird that you’re passing up a chance to see your precious Spock.”

“I have a lot to do. If you’re planning on making fun of me for my feelings, could you hold off until my shifts over? Or at least give me back the report so I can take it to him?” Without looking up at him again, you held your hand out.

“No, no, I’ll take it.” As he left the lab, you heard him add, “Someone’s testy today” under his breath.

Readjusting in your seat, you switch your PADD from your right hand to your left. Your peaceful reading was interrupted every couple minutes by Bones grumbling and scoffing from the other side of the table.

“If it upsets you that much, stop reading it,” you suggested, scrolling down the story displayed on your screen.

“It’s a classic.” He fell silent again. But it was short lived.

“Leonard,” you said interrupting his string of complaints. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to grouch about the inaccuracy of a book written in 1818 by an 18 year old. If you want accuracy, read a medical journal.”

“1816.”

You looked at him over your PADD. “What?”

“Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein in 1816. It was published in 1818.”

“My point still stands.” You returned your attention to your story.

“It’s a classic,” he said again, only this time he sounded as if he was trying to convince himself that that was a good enough reason to continue reading.

You glanced back up at him, shaking your head. Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a glimpse of Spock talking to Scotty a few tables away.

“I should get to work,” you muttered, switching your screen off.

“What?” Bones looked up at you. “Your shift doesn’t start for another hour.”

“Uh.” You hesitated on your way to getting to your feet. “Early bird gets the worm?”

You backed away returning his suspicious expression with an almost apologetic one.

Just as you were getting settled on the couch, your bell rang. With a sigh, you got back up and walked over to the door. When you opened it, you saw Bones standing in front of you.

“Hey. What’s up?” you said with a forced casualness.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m not letting you in here so you can criticize the way I live.” He held up a bottle of whiskey. “Is that booze? Nevermind, Come in.”

He followed you back into the room and sat down on the couch while you went to get some glasses.

“You know, you bringing alcohol is almost sure sign that you came to criticize the way I live, but I don’t really care.” You sat next to him and set the glasses on the coffee table. “Free booze is free booze.”

“It is not a sure sign of anything other than that I have whiskey.” He poured your drink.

“Last time you told me I overwork myself because I have a fear of being unuseful and that I put too much emphasis on other people’s validation.”

“That’s not criticism. That’s concern for your well being.”

“A rose by any other name.” You took a sip. “So what is it this time?”

“Your boy troubles.”

You coughed, “My what?”

“Spock,” Bones said, “I’m all for avoiding him, but it’s a little out of character for you.”

“I was really hoping you’d be too oblivious to notice,” you muttered.

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re kidding, right? Even Spock noticed and that man wouldn’t notice behavioral changes if they came into the room screaming. So, tell me what that mean green elf did.”

“He didn’t do anything,” you mumbled, picking at the couch cushion. “I told him.”

“Clearly it went very well.”

“Oh, just grand. He rejected me, I embarrassed myself. Such a good time. Wish I could do it everyday.”

“I can’t believe he rejected you,” surprise laced his words, but you passed it off as the usual sentiment that no one should ever reject one of his best friends.

“Very politely too.”

“Bastard.”

You snorted, leaning back against the couch and propping your feet up on the coffee table. “Everytime I see him I want to crawl in a hole and die. Or at least just lay face down on the floor for a few years.”

“The man’s an idiot and you can do much better.” He looked at you. “But you can’t keep avoiding him.”

“Oh, yes I can. I’m no quitter. I’ll keep this up ‘til I die.”

“Sir, we’ve lost contact with the landing party,” Uhura informed the captain.

“I want them back on this ship now!” Kirk demanded.

“Aye, Captain,” the technician said over the communicator.

The whole bridge fell silent as they waited with baited breath, the shouts of their fellow crew members on the planet below echoing in their minds.

“Sir, I’ve got them, but we’re one short.”

Kirk sighed. “Thank you, Ensign. I’ll be down in a moment.”

He put his hands on the armrests and pushed himself to his feet. Spock followed him into the lift. They rode down to the transporter in silence.

When they got there, Kirk scanned the defeated faces of the team, trying to see who was missing.

“What happened to (Y/L/N)?” Spock asked, before Kirk had the chance to.

“They didn’t make it.”

“They got caught in the cross fire.”

“How many people were there?” Kirk ask.

“Jim, I need to get them to the sickbay. You can read about it in their reports later.”

“Yes, of course. I want you all to stop by my ready room when you’re done for a debriefing.”

The team filed out of the room with the help of the nursing staff and Bones. Kirk turned to Spock and for a moment he could have sworn he saw a flicker of emotion. But it was gone long before Kirk could be sure what it was or even that he had seen it.

“If you’ll excuse me, Captain, I have some things to attend to.”

Kirk gestured towards the door and Spock nodded once and left.

It took Kirk a moment to leave himself. He felt like he was rooted to the spot, but eventually he was able to tear his gaze away from the transporter pad you hadn’t arrived on and get back to work. He was only able to focus for a good ten minutes before his curiosity about Spock started to grow. It wasn’t long before he could no longer get any work done. Abandoning his post, he went to search for him.

When he reached his quarters, a small, muffled voice told him to come in. The room was dark, lit primarily by the computer screen sitting on the desk. Behind the computer was Spock’s face, scrunched up with eyes glistening.

“This is what you had to attend to?” Kirk asked, crossing the room to the desk, “Crying in the dark?”

“I am not crying.”

“This is a little unusual for you,” he said, ignoring Spock’s previous statement and sitting down on the edge of the desk. “This isn’t because of (Y/N), is it?”

“I would prefer not to talk about it.”

“It’s ok if it is. You cried when I died,” Kirk pointed out. “Crying about the death of someone you care about is natural.”

“Vulcans do not cry,” Spock sniffed.

“You’re half human.”

“I don’t know why you insist on reminding me of that.”

“I’m sorry, I can see you’re very sensitive right now. I was just trying to explain that you have a right to be upset about this.”

“I’m sure that you believe you’re being helpful, but I would much rather you simply left me alone.”

“Alright, if that’s what you want.” Kirk slid off of the desk. “But listen, take as much time as you need. We can make do without you for awhile.”

“Spock.” Kirk poked his head out into the hall. “Get in here a second.”

Spock stared at him for a second, before finally complying and walking though the sickbay door Kirk was hanging out off.

There were few things left that could truly surprise Spock, but the sight of you sitting on a biobed smiling and nodding along to the lecture Bones was giving you definitely did. You were bruised and battered, but most certainly alive.

“If you ever pull this shit again, I’ll hang ya from the rafters,” Bones threatened.

“Oh, no you will not.” The way you smiled around the words pulled Spock forward as he fought off a smile of his own.

“(Y/N)?” You turned your head at the sound of your name. “We were told you were dead.”

“I supposed it did seem that way.” your smile faded slightly, “But I’m alive as can be.”

“I see that. I just don’t understand how.”

You shrugged. “It’s a long story.”

“I’m going to go get the dermal regenerator.” Bones put a hand on your arm. “I’ll be a couple minutes.” He gave you a look that told you you had better use those couple of minutes wisely.

You smiled at him and he left along with Kirk.

“Are you alright?” Spock asked once you were alone.

“Just fine.” You tugged down the sleeve of your uniform that Bones had pulled up earlier to inspect a cut along your forearm.

“You do not look fine.”

“It’s nothing we all haven’t dealt with before,” you said dismissively.

“Most of us have not been thought to be dead.”

“No,” you chuckled, “I guess you haven’t. Still not any cause for concern.”

“Your dying is certainly cause for concern.”

“You do seem oddly concerned for a Vulcan.” You looked up at him for the first time since the conversation had started. “Especially a Vulcan who didn’t want much to do with me a month ago.”

“You are the one who has been avoiding me. I simply said that us getting romantically involved would be a mistake.”

“Might have something to do with why I was avoiding you,” you muttered.

“The fact that we both wish to make a mistake that would over complicate our professional relationship does not give you the right to avoid me. That was incredibly juvenile. Not to mention unprofessional.” He took a few steps so that he was directly in front of you.

You waved a hand. “Yeah, I’m a real child. Did you say both?”

“I did.”

Wincing, you got up so that you were more level with him and stared at him through narrowed eyes. “So you have feelings for me?”

“That seems to be the case.” He watched you apprehensively, like he was worried you would topple over at any moment.

You smiled, “Good.”

#spock #spock imagine #spock x reader #star trek imagine

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spockfacts · 7 years

Text

With the Most Illogical Love

Dear Spock,

I write this to you of necessity. Also, Bones is making me write it. He says that I’m going crazy. I have to say that I pretty much am. You’re making me go insane Spock. You died, and I can’t take it anymore. I’m going mad with grief. I promise that I will do anything in my power as captain to bring you back. I’ll be sitting the captain’s chair, and I’ll look over, expecting to see you at your station. But you aren’t and it’s some other science officer in your place. I don’t even know his name. I don’t care. For all I care, it could be McCoy that was working right beside me, but it wouldn’t be you. Every time that I expect to see you, and see this other guy instead, I get so angry. I want to attack him, and I think that he’s noticed. He thinks that I hate him, and I do. But I don’t. I know that that isn’t logical but it’s true. I hate him, because he’s not you. He’s got black hair, so for a split second I can think that it’s you, and I think that that moment of calm and peace fuels my anger more. But I don’t hate him either. I know that he’s doing his job, and I know that I shouldn’t hate him. I know that it isn’t god damn logical to hate him, but I almost do. I almost would rather not have a science officer here then have to watch someone else do your job.

It’s not logical, Spock. None of it is logical. I hate it. I hate how illogical it is. I hate how much I care. I hate it so much. I’m always angry. I’m always depressed. I’m always empty. I am so emotional, Spock, and I can’t turn it off. I want to lose emotion. I’d rather be totally empty then to feel all of this, and yet I don’t want to lose it. I can’t handle it anymore, but I couldn’t stand to lose it. I hardly even know what ‘it’ is, really. Emotions. Thoughts. Living. Now I’m not about to throw myself outside of the ship, but I’d be lying if the thought hadn’t crossed my mind.

Don’t worry about me, though. Not that you can. You’re dead. That feels weird to say, especially because the crew skirts around it every time that it comes up. Even when it comes to who’s going down to the surface on so-and-so planet. Me, Bones, and… that random science officer that I’ve yet to learn his name. I think that he pities me, Spock. Or hates me. Both. I don’t know. I don’t even care anymore.

Speaking of skirting around subjects. Bones has been reading this over my shoulder when he gets the chance, so I’ve been avoiding the main subject that I think needs to be addressed with this. The main thing- the only thing- that I’ve been able to think about since you died to save the ship. I can’t stop, but if I keep thinking about it, I’ll collapse in on myself like a dying star. So that is why I need to tell you about this, because if I don’t say anything then I’ll actually drive myself crazy, but if I tell someone, it’ll become so much more real. So saying it to you doesn’t really count anymore does it? It doesn’t really mean anything. So I’ll probably drive myself to insanity anyway, but it should feel good to put on paper. I’m still stalling, and if you could read this you’d probably give one of those sighs that you always denied existed. Get on with it, I suppose. And yet, there’s Bones trying to read this over my shoulder, and if I say this now, then I won’t be able to go back from it. As I said, it’ll become real.

Spock. Nobody’s said your name since the funeral. You wouldn’t have liked my eulogy much. It was way too emotional. And yet, I felt it described you well. Human. Your soul is very human. And yes, I know that that isn’t logical at all. Yet that’s how you were. Or perhaps it’s the idealized version of you that I’ve practically created in my head, but it’s how I saw you and whether that was right or not is frankly completely up for grabs. I can see that I’m not the only one that’s been effected by your death. Though I can’t imagine anyone else going through the torture that I’m going through, the pain, the suffering, and the… anger.

McCoy has been telling me about the seven stages of grief. Something about if I know what to expect, it might be easier for me. It wasn’t. Shock, which I got through slower than I thought I would. It was well past your funeral before I got through it. Denial, which left a toll on me. That was the most times I’d glanced over to your station, just in case that you’d come back while I wasn’t looking. Bargaining. That was an odd one. I’ve never been a religious person. You know that. Yet, soon after I realized that you were gone, I felt that there had to be a way to get you back. I prayed every night. I thought that there must be some way. That you could be brought back to me. Guilt was one of the worst. What if. That was the beginning of practically every thought that I had during that stage. What if I’d stopped you from going? What if you’d taken a little less time? What if we’d opened the chamber? What if I’d gone instead? I felt that if I'd done something different, then you might still be alive. Anger was hard for the rest of the crew. I would lash out, as if, instead of being my fault anymore, it was theirs. That was when they pitied me. They pitied how emotionally unstable I was. How so obviously messed up I was. And when I realized how much they pitied me, I fell, almost seamlessly, into the next stage. Depression. It was so sudden, that the crew didn’t even realize how terribly I’d started the day. It wasn’t until one of the ensigns spilled their trey of food all over my shirt that they realized. Because, for the last few weeks, I’d have glared, and started yelling at him, I now just backed away, and walked out of the room. I went back to my quarters, and I stayed there until McCoy practically forced me out. Nothing improved for two weeks. I would sit in my quarters, until someone- usually Bones- would come in to force me to go eat, or go to the bridge. I say would, yet it’s still happening. That was what happened just before now, as I’m sitting in Sick Bay, and Bones is forcing me to write this. The next stage, as McCoy told me, was acceptance. Acceptance. Accepting that you died. Accepting that you’re not coming back. Accepting that it wasn’t my fault. Accepting there was nothing that I, or anyone else could’ve done about it. Accepting that life will go on. And yet, I can’t imagine how anything could get better, how I could possibly accept that you died. That you just aren't here anymore. When I told him this, he gave me that pitying smile that I’ve seen so much in the past few months. And then he told me that nobody feels like that, and once you do, that’s when you’ve already accepted your grief. That didn’t really make me feel any better. I don’t think he thought that it would. But he’d hoped. I think that I pity him. Because he thinks that I’m going to get better. He thinks that this letter will help, but I don’t think that it will. It might, but it’s not going to magically fix me like he thinks it will.

I still won’t just write it. I’m still stalling. I’ve been stalling just saying it for years now, and perhaps you’d guessed it. I don’t know. If you did, then I’m sorry. If you didn't… then I suppose that I have to write it now. Because McCoy says that I have to write my feelings, and this is how I feel. One of those many, many emotions that I can’t contain any longer. One of the emotions that keeps swirling around inside of me. With all of the accumulated shock, denial, bargaining, anger, and depression. Something that feels like hope, but softer. Something that should keep me happy, but can’t because you’re gone.

I’ve fallen in love you, Spock. I don’t feel any better having written it. I haven’t been magically fixed like every movie says you will be when you admit that you love someone. I don’t know how I feel about it. I feel scared. I’m blushing, and I think that Bones has noticed. He’s also noticed that I started crying, which I haven’t done since I truly felt the emotions that I had. I know that I said that there are emotions swirling through me, but it isn’t the same. I feel these emotions, but just the emotions themselves, and not the true feeling of them. Like eating when you have a cold, and you can feel the food in your mouth, but you can’t quite taste the full spectrum of flavor. I feel like I’ve been floating around, not quite experiencing things through my own body.

I do love you. I really do. And somehow, now that I’ve said it, it doesn’t seem to be so huge now. Like wanting a bike for your birthday so bad, but then when you get it, you find that you don’t really care for it anymore. You still like it, but it doesn’t seem like your world is going to end if you don’t get the bike. I love you, and though I accepted that a long time ago, it still seemed like the most important thing happening in my life- second only to your death- and now… while still a big part of my life, it doesn’t seem quite so important.

Did you know? I really don’t know if you knew. I don’t think you did though. You probably would’ve found the logical thing to be to tell me that you knew, and tell me- in the nicest, most professional way possible- that I didn’t have a chance in hell.

I have so much more to say, yet I can’t find the words to say them. I think that Bones knows how much I have to say, because every time I look like I’m about to stop writing, he looks at me with this really intense stare. You know how he is. Knew. I keep fluctuating from present to past tense. I’m talking to you. I’m talking to Spock. It’s been months, except I still haven’t quite gotten used to saying anything about you in past tense.

I think that I understand a bit more now why Bones made me write this. I think that he wanted- and still wants- me to realize what I’m feeling. That I’ve had so many emotions in the past months, that I can’t even sort out what I’m feeling. And that I’ve bottled it in so much that I can’t process any of it anymore. I think that he wanted me to sort it all out so that I can start that process of accepting what happened. Not that I’m anywhere close to accepting any of it yet. It still feels like a whirlpool of emotion, and I feel like I’m about to drown in it. But maybe a little bit slower.

I know that I’ve been using a lot of metaphors and flowery language in this letter thing, and you probably wouldn’t understand half of it, but it’s not as if you’re ever going to read this? I mean. You’re dead. I haven't accepted it per se, but I at least realize that it’s a fact, and that nothing I can do can change that. Just like I can’t change the fact that I’m in love with you. I practically went through the whole seven stages of grief when I first realized that I was in love with you. First came the shock. I was definitely surprised by that realization. I never really expected to fall in love with a Vulcan- however human his soul might be. The denial came soon after, trying to tell myself that I couldn’t love you. That I didn’t care for you like that. I knew that we were definitely friends, that I loved you, but not that I'd fallen in love with you. Bargaining wasn’t quite so much bargaining as, I realized that I loved you, but I was trying to get myself to fall out of love with you. It didn’t work- obviously. The more that I tried to get myself to not be in love with you, the more in love with you I fell. It sounds poetic, and not the logical thing, but it happened. Guilt felt very different too. I felt guilty that I had to put you through the hardships of friend-zoning someone. I’d been there before, and it feels terrible. It’s so awkward, and you eventually just drift away from the person. I didn’t want to make you have to do that. That feeling transferred through the rest of it all, up until I did accept it. Anger was strange. I wasn’t mad at you, not in the slightest. If anything, I was pissed at myself for letting myself fall in love with you. Like it was my fault somehow. The depression was more internalized. I know that you noticed that. You asked me if I was feeling alright. That meant so much to me, and you didn’t even realize that. I realized in that moment that it didn’t matter. It wouldn’t affect our relationship any. It wouldn’t break any part of that, because our bond was so strong that it couldn’t be torn by how I felt. I realized that I shouldn’t be down about how I felt, that I really didn’t have any way to change it, and that I shouldn’t get depressed about the fact that I’d fallen in love with someone. Falling in love sounds like such a beautiful and elegant process, but I realize now how messy it is. With every other person that I’ve fallen in love with, it was that nice feeling like you were just falling into a bed of flowers. I know that you don’t really understand, because I don’t think that you’ve ever really fallen in love. I don’t really know. Did you love T'Pring? I don’t know at all. You’ve never really talked about that at all. You didn’t even want to talk about it during Pon Farr. I could understand this, but I can’t say that I didn’t feel hurt by it. You were dying and you didn’t bother to tell me.

I never quite understood the Vulcan ways as much as I should have. You probably explained more to me than any Vulcan had told a human- other than the rare instances like your mother and father. I never quite understood how lucky I was. That you would tell me about the Pon Farr, even though it was frowned upon by Vulcan cultural standards. That I even got to know you. For all I know, there’s a chance that I could have never met you. Never have gotten to know you, and never have fallen in love with you. I- and the rest of the crew- would’ve died in your place, if not long before that. The whole crew was effected, as I said, and none as much as me.

McCoy is joking with me, and telling me that I don’t have to write a ten page paper. I know that it was a joke, but I almost feel like I’d have to write a ten page paper to completely say how I feel. I plan to start from the beginning. I plan to spill my heart out on this paper, as many pages as it takes. However much you might scoff at the blatant display of emotion, I plan to write down exactly what happened.

People say that you know when you fall in love. I don’t think that that was the case for me. There was definitely a moment in which I realized that I was in love, but I know that I’d fallen in love with you far before that. I don’t think that even Bones- who I’m guessing figured out long ago that I’d fallen for you- knew how early, or how hard I’d fallen. As I said, there was an obvious moment that I realized I’d fallen for you- and even though the denial of it came swiftly after, I still realized that what I felt for you wasn’t just friendship. That moment wasn’t too far into what was supposed to be a relaxing shore leave. That planet that produced your dreams. I never quite told anyone why I chose to stay, but I chose to stay- completely out of denial- for Ruth. I first saw her there, and I realized that I no longer felt anything. I realized that I didn’t want her anymore. I wanted you. The phase of shock barely even took an hour, and the denial hit hard. I chose to stay for Ruth, I told myself over and over again, even though I spent most of my time there with you. That’s why I seemed so off. You even asked me about it, I remember. You thought that I should head back to the ship and lie down in my quarters. You thought that I must’ve been ill, or that I’d hurt myself running away from the samurai. You never suspected that it was because I was in love. You were so kind to me. You even offered to bring me back to the ship, more concerned about my health then you were about getting some much needed rest and leisure in. You always did work yourself too hard. That was something I loved and hated about you. You were so determined- and, daresay, passionate- about your work. You always thought about your job, and about the rest of the crew before you thought about your own safety. It was my health over yours because I was the captain, and Star Fleet says to protect the captain’s life over your own.

My hands are now shaking as I write this, thinking about all of the things that made you such a beautiful soul. The things that made me fall for you in the first place, and then keep falling deeper and deeper still. I don’t think that I’ll ever quite stop loving you. Whether I do- as McCoy says I will- move on one day, and stop grieving, I will still love you. I’ll never quite let go of that hope that still lingers that you did love me. I think that’s something good out of all of this. I still have that hope. I can still hang on to that dream that you loved me, that you cared for me the way that I still care about you. While I know that most of this is completely inconceivable, I still have that hope that, had I told you, you might’ve said similarly. I never got the complete rejection, so I can never really know for sure what exactly it was that you felt for me. Whether it was a friendly affection, brotherly, or something more, I will never know. And I think that I’m at peace with that, at the very least. I think that I came to my peace with that before you die. I knew that I would never be able to pluck up the courage to tell you anything, so I came to peace with the fact that I would never know what your exact reaction would be. I’m glad that I’ve made that peace. I have one solid think amidst this tossing, and whirling sea of grief. One fact I know will never change- one that I’ve gotten peace with.

Once again, I’m sure that you’d be scoffing if you actually could read this. Not that you would be allowed to, even if you were alive. I wouldn’t let you. No offense to you, but I’m not really the kind of person who’d be likely to spill their guts out to someone, if I’m sure that they don’t feel similarly. And once again, no offense to you, but I have little faith that you’d fallen in love with me. I can’t tell you how much I wish you did- had, whatever- even if I were only to find out in the minutes before your death. I feel like that might’ve given me a bit of peace. But deep down, I know that that’s a load of bullshit. It would’ve made me angry. I would’ve wallowed in the anger and misery for not knowing how you felt until minutes before I lost you. Yet I kid myself that it would be more painful than the pain of not knowing either way- something that I’ve already blessed as a good thing. Sometimes I find the human race- myself in particular- even more illogical than you ever voiced. How illogical this letter would seem to you. I am writing to a dead man. On doctor’s orders. And I’m spewing out the most illogical things, aren’t I? Sometimes, the things that I write here barely even make sense to myself. But nevertheless I still write them. Because I’m trying to get down those raw feelings that are now bubbling up for the first time in a long time.

I feel a little bit uneasy writing this. Like a character in a horror movie might feel- but not at all. It’s an odd feeling writing to a dead man. I don’t know how to feel about it. As I sit here in Sick Bay, I know that I should feel like its familiar, but somehow I feel like I’m sitting at an old friend’s house. The feeling that I know where I am, and that there are familiar aspects to it, but there are oddly subtle things that have been changed, and that’s making it very uneasy as a whole. I’m writing to a dead man. That’s hit me hard as I write this, and I can feel McCoy’s pitying stare when he knows that I’m not looking. I think that he knows how much this has affected me. I can tell by how he looks at me when he thinks I can’t see him. He looks at me like he sort of knows how I feel, and… I do know that he pities me. Because however much he thinks that he understands what I’m going through with your death, he really does think that I’m pitiful. And I am. I spend half of my time sitting in my quarters, lying on my back, and just staring at the ceiling. I want to cry, but I can’t. It feels like I used all of my tears before I have none left to use. Used to. I’m crying now. That’s past tense. God, it feels like I don’t even understand past tense versus present tense anymore. Like my entire kindergarten year was put to waste. I can’t discern when it’s okay to say write about this and talk about you in past tense, or present tense. I don’t want to use past tense. It makes it feel final in a way that even the funeral didn’t make it. Past tense means that you’re not coming back. Past tense means you’re not here. Past tense is too final. I can’t do it in past tense, because, even though I got over that stage, it still feels like I’d be admitting defeat. Like I was saying ‘yeah, he’s dead, so what, who cares?’ And that’s not even remotely how I feel. I feel that I am going to bring you back whatever it takes, and at whatever consequence to me. I would give my own life to let you live the rest of yours in a heartbeat. And I know that’s not logical, but I don’t give a damn. Love isn’t logical. Love doesn’t make any sense to anyone. You fall in love, and you can’t help it. You fall in love with whoever your heart wants. Your heart doesn’t care if it isn’t logical. When you fall in love, you don’t care if it would take years to be with them. When you fall in love, you don’t care about your own safety, as long as they are safe. When I fell in love, I didn’t care if I had to travel to the end of the universe and back to show it, I loved you. I still love you. I can’t help falling in love with you, Spock. I can practically hear your voice, telling me how illogical human emotions are, but this one, this one isn’t human. Your dad loves your mother. You can see it. Everyone should see that. Except Vulcan’s are so god damn blinded by the fact that emotions are so ‘illogical’ and ’human’ that they can’t see that Vulcan’s can fall in love. I’m not trying to say that you fell in love with me, and I’m not trying to convince you that love is logical. Wouldn’t be trying to. I don’t know anymore. What I’m trying to say is that Vulcan’s are really hypocritical if they want to tell us humans that we can’t fall in love, when they’re doing it. Even freaking T'Pring fell in love with Stonn. How are Vulcans creatures of pure logic, if many of them do something that’s so illogical? Once again, love isn’t logical. You question- used to question- how I could possibly be so illogical. Yet you didn’t even know the most illogical thing that I’ve ever done. I fell in love with you. That’s how illogical I am. I am so illogical, that I fell in love with my first officer. I fell in love with a Vulcan. I fell in love with that human soul. I fell in love with you, Spock.

I fell in love with you. I still love you. I’m so in love with you that it physically hurt me to lose you. I will find you again. That’s what writing this letter forced me to see. I will bring you back to life at whatever cost. Because that’s what love is.

With the most illogical love,

Jim

________________________________________________

Dear Jim,

It scares me that I can’t remember some things. I want to remember. I know that I will eventually remember it all, and that it’s most likely that I just need to wait a little bit, but I am still scared. The process took me down to my roots, and, as much as I dislike saying it, I have humanity in my roots.

How do you feel? That’s what my mother wants to know. How do I feel? How do I describe how I feel? I feel scared, but I can’t tell my mother that. I feel confused, but I can’t tell my mother that. I feel many other things, but I can’t tell anyone that.

I feel fine. That’s what I told her. And yet I don’t. I feel worse than fine, and better than fine, and I don’t understand it. I am glad that I’m beginning to remember everything. I am glad that you don’t treat me any different for have losing my memory.

I was going through the ships logs and documents, in some sort of effort to remember even more of what I learned before, when I found your letter. I must say that I have a lot to write about the content in your letter. I think that the first thing that I want to say is that I did not know about your feelings toward me. Now that I know, I’m finding that much more obvious than I think that I found it before. As I said, I did not notice. I believe that the reasoning behind this was that I simply was not looking for it. I didn’t think it possible for anyone to love me, an unemotional Vulcan. You touched on this. After addressing that, a question that you asked several times throughout your letter, I find myself compelled to write my response to the rest of the letter, some of the things that were going through my head as I read it.

Are you really going mad, Jim? I struggle to understand why one would start to drive oneself insane, because of something that was done to save an entire ship. As I said, and you repeated to me back on Vulcan, the needs of the many do outweigh the needs of the few. I presume that you speak under the influence of survivor’s guilt. This is shown in many ways. You find yourself feeling guilty about someone else dying to save you. You seem to find yourself in a position where you’d rather yourself be dead than me. I want to tell you that you need not feel that, especially now that I’m alive. I wish I could go back, and tell you not to worry. Not to feel guilty. I know you probably don’t like me saying that it’s not logical to hate the science officer who replaced me, and it’s not, yet I feel a twinge of that anger myself. I do not like that he took my place. I feel an odd sort of attachment to my station, and, as you say, seeing someone else there pushes an unfortunate emotional response from me.

Please don’t throw yourself off of the ship.

About the science officer, you probably should have learned his name. It is Terry Nelson. As well as learning about everything he needed to know about things related to being a science officer, he also dabbled in psychology. So, yes, Jim, I can answer that he probably did notice everything that you were doing. I do not, however, think that he hates you for it. It’s a very strong possibility that he pities you however. That isn’t a bad thing though. He saw that you were going through a rough time, and he felt bad about that. It is a very human emotion, pity is. If it is not your fault that a person isn’t happy, then you haven’t much reason to feel bad.

Has no one really said anything about me since the funeral? That seems a little bit odd to me. It seems like talking should help. Which is why McCoy is making you write this. There was an audio file of your eulogy. You are wrong however. While it was definitely rather off putting to listen to my own eulogy, I did like it. It did fit me. And yet it didn’t. I am not an emotional person, Jim. Rather, I’m not emotional for a human. I am for a Vulcan. I suppress my emotions as much as I possibly can. It’s just what I do. One of the only times you’ve seen genuine emotions from me was from the time of the Pon Farr. While this is one of the most emotional times for Vulcans, it was almost made worse by my human heritage. Humans are innately more emotional than Vulcans are. When I thought I’d killed you, I felt terrible. I felt worse than that. I felt what you must have felt after I died, except worse, because I thought that I had been the one to kill you. When I turned around, and I saw you, and… it might not have looked it, but I lost it a little bit. You saw me smile, and that was all that I would show you. I felt so much more. Like what you describe later on in your letter. I felt happy, and yet I still had all of the guilt that I’d gotten from killing you in the first place. I think it was because I still felt bad that I had taken your life, and even though you were alive I felt that the deed that I had done hadn’t gone away, but almost that you had come back and were going to give me grief for killing you. You didn’t though. I think that that makes you special.

The seven stages of grief. It’s interesting how everyone goes through the same process with grief. The same seven general seven stages. Did the amount of time that was given between me dying, and then coming back to life give you time to accept it? Had you accepted my death before I came back to life? If I died again, soon, then would you start back over with shock? Or would you start again with depression, or acceptance, if you got there?

Stalling. I’ve always found the concept fascinatingly illogical. You know that you’re going to have to end up saying something about whatever it is anyway, and yet you try to waste time by rambling on about whatever in an attempt to not have to tell whoever it is that you’re needing to tell whatever it is. It just prolongs the awkwardness, the tension, and pain.

You fell in love with me. Jim, you might feel now that this isn’t such a big deal, and yet to me, it feels like everything. You loved me, you still love me, and I see that now. Now that I haven’t been (quite illogically) telling myself that you don’t. Didn’t. Even I seem to be confusing tenses.

I really didn’t know. If I did, you would have known, and now that I do know, I guarantee that you will know that I do. Because you have a chance. You have a million chances in hell, earth and heaven. Because I’ve fallen in love with you. It didn’t make sense at first, but I love you and I can see that now. I feel that I should write pages and pages about it, but I don’t have to, because it’s true even in the simplest form. I love you. And that’s how it is, and there’s nothing more to say. Except there’s everything left to say. But there’s no way to write it down on paper.

You understand me, and we have a mutual realization how hard it is to write down how you feel on paper. It’s easier in some senses, but impossible in others. I know how Bones is, Jim. I know. At one point, at the point that you wrote this, it technically was correct to say knew, but now I know. You don’t have to use past tense anymore. It’s okay to say that I know.

McCoy is not making me write this. I think that I find this odd that I write this of my own free will. I am not emotional. And yet, writing this, I feel myself waxing a bit poetic. I’m obviously not going to start on with saying things about 'love being a gently blossoming flower’, because that isn’t how it works for me at all. My love for you is more like a ship crashing down to a planet. From far away, it looks almost peaceful and at ease. But up close, from a personal point of view, it’s obviously crashing and everything is in a state of panic.

You have been using metaphors and figurative language quite extensively. Yet so have I. I have understood most of them. Even the simile using having a cold and eating. I did read it, which you obviously didn’t expect, and I am now wondering how you’re going to react when you find out that I have. I’m not sure you will be angry, but I’m not even sure you remember writing this. It’s been a long time. I have abandoned this letter more times than you will know, and now it’s been about three months since I started it, which makes for around eight months since you wrote it. Ten since I died. I too, went through some of the same seven stages when I realized my love for you. For me, the shock was more shock that I'd fallen in love with you, rather than I’d fallen in love with you. It felt very natural that, if I had to fall in love with someone, that I would fall in love with you. Denial was practically the same illogical step. I could not believe that I had, once again, fallen in love with you, and I denied it with all of my will. Bargaining was less for me trying to fall out of love (as you described it) than trying to ignore the feelings that I had. To shove them down into some deep corner of my mind and never think about them ever. You describe yours as 'The more I tried to get myself to not be in love with you, the more in love with you I fell.’ While it was a different scenario, it describes what I went through rather well. The more I tried to shove down my emotions- and mind you, I wasn’t just pushing down my love, I ended up somehow figuring out that ignoring all feeling worked better- the more I felt it bubbling it up. And the more it came up, the more I tried to shove it down. It became a circle of emotion and no emotions that never ended, until the guilt set in. The guilt for me, as well as the guilt that you talked about, included the feeling of betrayal of the Vulcan species. I feel like I’ve already betrayed them by denying the position at the Science Academy, and the fact that I have fallen in love with a human man feels like betraying them even more. Vulcans are a very logical species, and while their method for choosing a mate is very illogical, the mate that they pick is quite logical. An individual who does not have a record of family illness, an individual who has good genes. Someone who can continue the family line. A man choosing another man as a mate is so illogical, it’s almost laughable. As it is, my father was frowned upon for choosing a human woman as a mate. So what would the Vulcan race think if I, someone who already chose Star Fleet over the Science Academy, who is already of human decent, chose not only a human mate, but a male one too? That guilt consumed me for a while. Until I finally confided in my mother. She told me a story that she’d been taught in history class back on Earth. Back when they were still using the Gregorian calendar, the United States of America legalized same-sex marriage in all states on July 26th of 2015. She told me that for years before that there were individual states that were legalizing it one by one, and same-sex couples and other people supporting the legislature in other states were fighting for their rights. My mother told me that there were some states that frowned deeply upon same-sex couples, and instead of just not having a law that legalized marriage, they chose to go further and ban it all together. And still there were people in those states that wanted to get married. Here my mother finally got to her point. She said that even though the majority of people in these states had deep-seated homophobia, there were still many people who flaunted their same-sex partners in public. People would taunt them, some would even go as far as attacking them, even killing them, and yet still people would go out and tell the world that they had their rights, and they were going to stand by that until someone did something about it, and it would be made legal for them to marry their partner. Even though society told them that what they were doing was wrong, they did it anyway, and- as my mother quite eloquently put it- gave a big 'screw you’ to society. While I still wallowed in my guilt for a few more days, it was still my mother’s story that pulled me out of it. I believe that my anger might have blended together with guilt for I skipped right over that I could go straight into depression, which wasn’t really depression for me, but rather wallowing in my own self-pity. It was very much internalized, just as yours was, and likewise, it was the same logic that dragged me out of mine that got you out of yours. Why should I feel bad about something that I couldn’t help? Something that happens, and people- for the most part- view as a good thing? That’s how I rid myself of that self-pity that held me down for longer than it should have. Falling in love with someone, you say, sounds beautiful and elegant, and it does. Except on Vulcan, it almost has negative connotations. Emotional connotations. If I were to go back to Vulcan, and tell everyone that I’d fallen in love, I would be at risk of the same 'experiments’ that happened back when I was a child. A 'logical’ reason for bullying me, really. A name that covered up their teasing. They wanted to see how hard they had to push me for me to give an emotional response. They made fun of me. It took to them making fun of my mother for me to give them the emotional response that they wanted so much from me, and they didn’t bully me after that. There wasn’t a logical reason. Now, if I tell them that I’ve fallen in love, there would be that same 'logical’ reason to bully me. To elicit an emotional response. They could repeat the experiments that they conducted as a child. I am now an adult. Adult humans are less emotional, and less compulsive than children. If I went back and told them that I’d fallen in love, it would remind them that I was the child who stands out on Vulcan and Earth, and now the adult who is in Star fleet because I have no true home. If I went back to Vulcan right now, and told them that I’d fallen in love, then that would be the final proof that I don’t belong on Vulcan. You discuss later that my father fell in love with my mother, and I realize that. I see that. But none on Vulcan see that. They all feel that that isn’t something that we can talk about. Many Vulcan’s actively say that they are so unemotional that they don’t fall in love. Jim, I love you and sometimes I want to tell everyone that, but I don’t because, however illogical this sounds, I am stricken by how illogically logical it is. Peer pressure. That’s what it is. It’s so illogical, but I can’t help but to bend to it. I want to tell my father, but I feel like he would be disappointed. Even though I know that he wouldn’t be. Because he fell in love with a human, just like I did. And I know that it’s okay. And I know that he knows that it’s okay. But there’s such a disconnect between he and I that I can’t bring myself to tell him like I did with my mother.

You understand Vulcan ways more than you should. I tell you more than I really should have. As you said, I probably have told you more than any other Vulcan has told other people. You saw how T'Pau reacted when I told her that you and McCoy were my friends. She made me vouch for your behavior and she still didn’t trust you. She didn’t like that you were human. I told you about it because you were my friend. My T'hy'la. That was something that I don’t regret.

Even though you didn’t write ten pages, I feel that six sufficed. While there were only six pages of writing, there was so much more that was put into, emotionally, that I was able to derive from what you wrote. Like I said previously, sometimes you don’t need to write pages upon pages to explain how you feel. Sometimes saying that you love a person just takes three words. Sometimes it just takes a glance. Sometimes it takes a person’s mere presence to tell someone that they love them.

You’re not alone in not knowing when you fell in love. I don’t know either. Again, as with you, I remember when I realized that I fell in love with you. For me, it was when I, Dr. McCoy, and Mr. Scott were trapped on the New Paris colony. I thought that I was going to die down there, and that was when I realized that I had to get back. That I had to get back to you. And that’s why I pulled the stunt about expending all of the fuel as a sort of flare. That’s the emotional outburst that happened. It wasn’t fear of death like everyone assumed it was, it was fear of not being able to see you again. You asked me why I did it, and I was planning to tell the truth, but then I didn’t. I didn't lie, but I just said that it was logical, and looking back, it was. Had I not done it, we would have died for sure. If I had, then we had a slight chance of living. A slight chance of seeing you again. I have to say that I cannot remember asking you if you were okay. The thing is, that I have asked you so many times if you are okay, that that time must not have made much of an impression. Jim, you are not a careful person. You get into trouble way more than any other Star Fleet officer, and I can’t say that I approve. I don’t want you getting into more trouble than you can handle. I work myself too hard? Do I really? I don’t really notice. I always tried- and still try- my best. I am determined. And I am passionate about my work. If I were not, I would’ve taken the job at the Science Academy, and I would’ve never applied to Star Fleet. It does not offend me when you speak of the more human side of me as much as I let on. I do hold your health over mine, but for more reasons than you state. It is because you are the captain, and Star Fleet does say to protect the life of your captain over your own, but that is not the only reason. For one, I feel that you get into more trouble than I do, and because of that, I not only consider the possibility that you might’ve gotten hurt on a mission, I practically assume that you have gotten hurt. I also feel that you are a better individual than I am. I feel that, given the choice of you living, or me, I would choose you simply because you are a good person. I did that once already, and I would do it again in a heartbeat. I fell in love with you, and that holds your life over mine more than rules and regulations could. I would- and in fact, regularly do- break numerous Star Fleet regulations for you. I should care, but I don’t. Because I love you.

I do not understand people who marry someone, claim that they are their soulmate, and then have relations with somebody else. Whether they are cheating on the person, or the person is long dead, I do not understand someone who could just move on if they already have, or had, a supposed 'soulmate’. I will love you until the end of all days, because you are my T'hy'la. I do love you, Jim. You expected rejection from me, had you told me your feelings. I did too. That’s one of the reasons that I did not tell you when I got back from the New Paris colony. I thought that you would reject me, completely disgusted with me. I thought that you would hate me, and reject me right there on the bridge, and I couldn’t take that. I feel a friendly affection. I feel a brotherly affection. And I do feel that something more. You will learn. I plan to tell you this. I plan to give this letter to you. I plan. I planned to tell you after coming back from the New Paris colony. So I don’t know for sure if it will happen. There’s more of a chance now because I know now how you feel. Because I don’t believe that you would trick me with something like this. Because I could feel the emotion that you put into your own letter.

I have not scoffed once while reading your letter. I’m sorry that I’ve read it. It really does feel like a major invasion of your privacy, and I apologize for that. I don’t take any offence to you thinking that I hadn’t fallen in love with you, because that’s what I wanted to you think. I wanted you to think that I had a simple friendly, or brotherly bond to you, nothing more, and certainly nothing less. I think that it’s good thing that you didn’t know, just to find out my feelings mere minutes before I died. It would, as you say, tear you apart. You would wonder what would’ve happened had you told me months, or years before then. You are writing to a dead man, but it isn’t as illogical as you might think. I think that I would probably do the same were our roles reversed. The things that you are writing would probably be considered illogical by the average Vulcan. But I am not the average Vulcan. To me, every word that you write makes sense. I can understand how you feel, even if it’s just in the most primitive way possible. It makes sense in the way that falling in love makes sense. You feel the emotions, and yet you don’t understand them at all. You don’t understand how it makes sense, but you feel that it does, somehow. And honestly, the average Vulcan would probably think that the things that I am writing are very illogical too.

I do not, however understand how you might feel like a character in a horror movie. I understand how you might feel odd writing to someone that you presume to be dead, but feeling like you were in a horror film does not make sense to me. Is it that you simply felt uneasy writing it, so you felt that that was the best way to describe that uneasiness? Or is it more than that? Something about how you feel something supernatural about writing to a dead man? What is it, precisely, that makes you feel so uneasy about writing to me? It is something that McCoy felt was necessary to your sanity, and I feel the same way. Had you not written to me, then you probably would have buried how you felt, and never expressed your feelings, bottling it all up like I tried to do. Nothing would have been worse than that. Jim, I don’t know how you would have reacted to bottling it up like that, because it certainly didn’t work for me. It felt like I was going to explode, and I had had experience bottling up major emotions before. I touched on how the other Vulcan kids- the pure Vulcan kids, as they liked to remind me- would do 'experiments’ on how much it took to get an emotional outburst from me. I had to bottle up so much of that feeling- the anger that they caused me, and even after that, I still broke when it came to keeping this in. I couldn’t handle this one pure emotion, even when I spent a lot of my childhood keeping all of that rage and frustration inside. I did eventually break then, but it isn’t something that I like to think about a lot. I could tell that my father was disappointed, even though he didn’t show it. My mother was angry when she found out for certain that the other kids were teasing me. She’d guessed that they were long before, but the conclusive proof really made her mad. I remember she told me that it was okay- it was good even- to have emotions, but that I couldn’t let those emotions control me. I kept those words with me for a very long time. I still think about that every so often. It became a mantra of sorts for me when I was dealing with suppressing the love that I finally admitted that I felt for you. Don’t let your emotions control you, Spock. You can feel what you feel, but don’t let that get the better of you. Returning now to something that you say, about how it’s hit you hard that I died, I can feel the same about that. Reading your letter really cemented it for me that I had died. I didn’t really have much physically proof that I had, and reading you letter was a realization that I wasn’t the only one that was affected by my death. Because nothing had changed when I came back, I barely realized that anybody else’s whole world was turned upside down. But then I read your letter. And it came to my attention that you were affected just as much as I was, even if it was in a different way. I see that your whole life changed completely. You say that you spent your days lying in your quarters, feeling nothing, but having so many emotions, and I can understand how that feels. It’s hard. It’s exactly how you describe. Feeling the food in your mouth, but not being able to taste it. I’ll take it one step further and say that it’s like eating bad food when you have a cold. You wish that you were able to taste, but you’re also kind of glad that you can’t. You say that love isn’t logical. And it isn’t. Except the feeling of love feels very logical. It feels right. And now I know how illogical you are, and it makes me happy. I feel great.

I fell in love with you, and I am still in love with you. We have found each other, and that means a lot in this world. This letter has made me realize that I need to tell you. I need to give you this letter. I need to be with you. Because that’s what love is.

With the most logical love,

Spock

This is so heartfelt, I’m stunned. Hats off to you khoshekh42

(Submitted by @khoshekh42)

#The Big Event #fanfic #khoshekh42 #submission #long post

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dreamthinkimagine · 7 years

Text

Who’s...Jim?

For @nhasablog! Happy Belated Birthday, N!

WARNING: sadness; sad!bones

WARNING: Mention of Poison Arrow

“Jim? Jim!”

Jim’s vision went blurry, in and out of focus, in and out of dark nothingness. Everything he saw was in slow motion. He saw doubles of everything. Singles. Triples. Doubles. Triples.

Suddenly, the world seemed to turn down because now he was looking at the sky with his back against something hard. He saw Bones kneel down next to him.

“You hang in there, Jim...I’m...gonna...fix...you...”

The last part of Bones’ sentence was in slow motion. Then, all sight and sound faded until there was nothing left.

***

“Any diagnosis, Doctor?” Spock asked on the intercom; since Jim’s accident the other day, he had been taking command. This was not the first time he called.

“Not yet,” McCoy answered back. “I won’t be able diagnose anything until he wakes up. Need to see what he’s like when he’s conscious.”

“What happened, exactly?”

“I told you. One of those darn humanoids hit him with a poison arrow. I did some minor surgery to remove the poison which was successful.”

“How is the Captain doing now?”

“Physically, he’s alright. His heart rate is back to normal and he’s breathing fine. Wait!...I think he’s waking up,” Jim heard a voice say, even though everything was still dark. “His head’s moving.” He hung up without even giving Spock a chance to respond and dashed over to Jim’s bedside.

Jim’s eyes slowly opened and he found himself in a room with a lot of monitors and beds. He looked around at each machine, observing it, thinking about what it could possibly do. When he looked to his right, he saw a man looking at him.

“How do you feel?” Jim looked to his left and then back to his right, as if he were looking for something.

“Me?”

“Who else, Jim?”

“Who’s...Jim?”

***

“Sickbay to Bridge.” Spock pushed the button on the Captain’s chair.

“Spock here. How is the Captain?”

“Well, you remember that diagnosis you were asking me about earlier?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I got one. Amnesia.”

“I am unfamiliar with the term, Doctor. Vulcans do not get amnesia.”

“Basically, Jim’s forgotten who he is. I don’t know if he’s forgotten about anything else yet though. I called you as soon as he asked, ‘Whose Jim?’.”

“Find out as much as you can, Doctor.”

“Trust me, I plan to do just that. Sickbay out.” With that, he hung up and went back to Jim with a PADD in hand. “You’re Jim, remember?”

“Yes, I remember.”

“Good. Good.” Bones began to quickly jot down notes. “Your full name is James T. Kirk.”

“I thought you said my name was ‘Jim’.”

“‘Jim’ is short for ‘James’.”

“Oh.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“The...nap-time room?”

“What?”

“There’re a lot of beds in here!”

“You -...OK,” some more notes. “Do you know what your job is?”

“I have a job?”Again, more notes.

“Yes, you do. And you’re pretty good at it.” After some more questions and a lot more note-taking, Bones asked the question that he was most afraid of. “Jim, do you know who...I...am?” Jim shook his head.

Exactly what he had feared.

He moved Jim to his own little part of Sickbay, so no one could see him like that and worry. Jim, “memory Jim”, wouldn’t want his crew to worry. Bones would ask him more questions and then Jim would ask him some.

“Who’s the guy with the pointy ears and weird eyebrows,” he asked when Spock stopped by. As soon as Bones’ shift was over, he knew he had to get out of there.

“Now, Jim, I want you to just stay here and relax. I’ll be back in the morning.”

“OK. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.” Bones started to leave, but he heard Jim.

“You’re nice. I like you.” There was a twinge in his heart.

“I like you too, Jim.”

***

Back in his Quarters, Bones couldn’t help the sobs. He clutched onto Bones the Dog, the orange, stuffed dog Jim made for him, and cried harder. He’d lost Jim and didn’t know if he would ever get him back since he didn’t even know who he was. Now he was stuck with Spock. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t deal with logic all day. He needed Jim and the thought made him hug Bones the Dog and cry into his fabric. This was the most he had left of Jim.

He cried himself to sleep that night.

***

The next day, he went to see Jim, and he wasn’t going to let his amnesia get in the way of his friend. He couldn’t have Spock and not have Jim to give him the strength to deal with the Vulcan. He was determined to beat Jim’s amnesia.

“Jim,” he said, “we are getting your memory back.”

“I lost my memory?”

“Yes. And we are getting it back.”

“Yes!”

“Alright, Jim, first, we’re going to take a little walk.”

“So, we’re going to leave the nap-time room?” When Jim gets back to normal, Bones thought, I’ll kill him.

***

They walked through the halls, through the Mess Hall.

“Eat your salad, Jim.”

“I don’t want to.” Of all the things he forgot, he had to remember that he didn’t like salad. Yep, Leonard McCoy was going to kill him.

In the Transporter room, Bones discovered that Jim thought it looked familiar. The first sign of memory. Immediately, they ventured to the Bridge. If the Transporter Room looked familiar, then the Bridge had to jog his memory.

“Captain,” Spock said once the turbo-lift’s doors opened.

“Who are you?” Spock just walked away.

“Jim,” Bones started, “this is the Bridge. This is where you work.” Jim looked around at all the stations, not sure which one to go to. Sighing, Bones grabbed his arm and led him to the Captain’s chair.

“Is this my station?”

“Yes, Jim. Sit down.” Jim obeyed and began to feel the buttons on the arms of the chair. He looked in front of him at the screen which was displaying a elaborate arrangement of stars.

“Are - are we in space?”

“Yes, Captain,” Sulu said.

“And you are the Captain,” Chekov added. Jim began to look at each of his crew members.

“Wow,” Kirk said.This was it, Bones thought. He remembers! “I just wish I could remember.”

***

Jim laid back in his Sickbay bed as Bones tried to think of something else that could jog his memory.

“I got it,” he yelled. “Stay right here!” He ran out of the room thanking God for the idea. Jim couldn’t not remember this one.

Jim stayed in his bed as he tried to remember his life. He went over what he could remember - 1.) His name was James T. Kirk 2.) He was in space 3.) He was a Captain. He wracked his brain for more ideas, but his brain didn’t want to do the work.

Bones came running back into the room with a small black box in his hands.

“Here,” he said and handed it to Jim, “open it up.” Jim did as he was told and gasped, surprised. There was a medal inside.

“Do you remember?”

“No.” He placed the box on his chest and stared at the ceiling. Oh, how he wanted to remember.

“Don’t worry, Jim, while I was out, I got another idea. I have one more trick up my sleeve.” Bones went into his office and returned with a little yellow tape. Pushing it into the computer, hoping it would work.”Watch.” What Jim saw amazed him.

It was him.

And, whoever was helping him - the guy who was right next to him right now, and the guy with pointed ears. Picture by picture, each one displayed the three of them somehow each in a different way. Standing in the halls. Training. Talking. And in one of them, hugging.

“The three of us,” Jim said, “were we friends?”

“Yes!” McCoy said. “Yes we are! What do you remember?”

“...Nothing. I’m sorry.” Bones placed his hand on Jim, trying to console him. Soon the box slipped off Jim and landed on the floor. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright. I’ll get it.” As he bent down, his fingers slid across Jim’s shirt and as he picked up the box, he heard a quiet giggle.

“That’s it!” Bones exclaimed and put the box on a nearby table. “I can’t believe I didn’t think of this!”

“What?”

“You’re ticklish!” Jim’s eyebrow rose like Spock’s did. “My hand left a funny feeling when it slid and that funny feeling made you laugh. You’re ticklish!”

“OK, but why is that ‘it’?” Jim asked, still having no idea where the other was going with this. How was this “tickling” supposed to help him?

“Because we used to do it all the time!”

“Really?”

“Yeah! Well, I tickled you way more than you tickled me, but you get the point.” Jim looked at him, still a little confused. “You’ll remember it in a second,” he said.

“Wait, why didn’t I - AHAHAHAHAHA!” He began to twist left and right, arms shooting up on instinct to try to get Bones back.

“Whoa! This is for you, Jim, not me,” he laughed. Since Jim tried to fight back, something he rarely did, Bones had a feeling that Jim’s memory wasn’t back just yet. He couldn’t remember how much he liked to be tickled; and so, he moved downward to his belly. “Haha! You still squeal!” Bones chuckled with a still squealing Jim in the background. He couldn’t help it - the teasing just happened. “Should I keep tickling here, Jim?”

“NOHOhohohoho!”

“How about...here?” And suddenly moved to his neck.

“Gihihihihihihihi!” Jim’s shoulders slammed upward to shield the skin, but it was no use; Bones’ fingers would stay there. Had they really done this before? He hoped they did. It was so much fun, and it felt nice. There was a closeness between him and the man in the blue shirt...who just shot down to his armpits. “NOHOHOHO-ohohoho! STahohohohop ihihit!”

“No can do, Jim. But I’ll show you what I can do!” Jim felt fingers dig into his hips. If he thought it tickled before, he was sorely mistaken.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! NAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” He began to buck and squirm, but couldn’t get away; and was enjoying every second of it. He forgot he had things to remember and didn’t want it to ever stop - both the tickling and forgetting his situation.

Gradually, Bones slowed down his fingers to a complete stop and looked down at Jim who was trying to catch his breath as his body relaxed for the first time in five minutes.

“How do you feel?”

“Great! I loved it.” Well, he knew that it didn’t work. Jim would never willingly admit to liking being tickled. Jim, seeing that the man was sad, had an idea.

“Hey, where did you find the metal?”

“In your Quarters.”

“Can we go there?”

***

“Here we are,” Bones said as the doors opened. There was a sense of familiarity buzzing about within Jim when he saw the room. As soon as he set a foot in, Bones ran right past him, eagerly looking for something that might bring back Jim. Unfortunately, looking for something that could do the job, meant looking through his personal belongings. Sorry, Jim. However, unbeknownst to him, something already was holding Jim’s attention.

A little orange dog sitting on his pillow that was facing him. He slowly walked towards the bed, sat down on it, and took the stuffed animal in his hands. As he looked at it and felt it’s fabric, he began to have visions.

Visions of him and the man in blue and the man with pointed ears talking, the man with ears raising as eyebrow as Jim laughed, him getting this dog from the other man, and making another dog for him. His name was James Tiberius Kirk. He was the Captain of the Enterprise. And his friends’ names were Spock and -

“Bones.” Bones instantly stood up and turned around. Slowly turning toward him with wide eyes.

“What did you say?”

“I said B - ” Suddenly, he was under Bones who just jumped on top of him and was now sobbing in his shoulder.

“Jihihihihihm!” Jim patted his back as he embraced his friend.

“Shhhh...Shhhh, Bones. It’s OK. I’m back.”

“I wa-was afraid that I-I’d never gehet youhuhu bahahahack!” Jim pushed him up so Bones could look at him.

“But you did! You brought me to my Quarters. You brought me back.” Bones hugged Jim as tears of happiness flowed from his eyes and Jim kept patting his back until he calmed down.

“Now, c’mon,” Jim said as they stood. “Let’s go show everybody that you got Jim Kirk back.”

“Alright. Actually, can we not tell Spock that you have your memory back? It’d be fun to mess with him.” Jim chuckled.

“Sounds like a plan.”

Yeah, he had his Jim back.

#WARNING: sadness #https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/amnesia #I had to google amnesia and treatment #WARNING: sad!bones #WARNING: mention of poison arrow #ticklish!jim #Sight and Sound is a theatre

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firemedicdiaz · 7 years

Text

When Hope is Lost

Fandom: Star Trek AOS. Pairing: Reader X Spock. Prompt: Anon - I wish you would write a fic where Reader is with Bones and Spock when they crash in the Krall ship? Reader can be injured or not, doesn’t matter. Word Count: 2919. Warnings: blood, minor injury, language. Rating: Teen+. Author’s Note: For Trek Fest 2017’s Spock week! I feel like I tried to cram way too much into way too few words in this fic, but I hope you guys enjoy it nevertheless! Writing Spock is definitely not my forte. Unbeta’d, so any mistakes are my own.

When Hope is Lost

You drag in a breath as lights around you flicker and die. The sound of hissing fills your ears as some sort of a gas escapes through a crack in a pipe near where your head is wedged in a joint between the hull and deck plating of the craft you’re occupying. Smoke curls in thick tendrils around you and you cough, shutting your eyes tightly and putting a hand over your mouth and nose in an attempt to wave away enough of the stuff to catch your breath. You grapple with memories of the events leading to the crash you’ve just suffered as you grope around in the darkness, hoping to find other signs of life – the lives of the two officers you’d plummeted to the ground with. You remember being in an escape pod. You remember the sounds of footfalls and phaser fire. You remember a body colliding with yours – Dr. McCoy’s – and another one narrowly missing you. Oh, God – Spock.

You shift around some more, pushing yourself into a seated position, still feeling around for other bodies in the wreck. You’re both relieved and worried when you find no signs of either the Vulcan or the CMO, and you realize that if you don’t act quickly, you’re going to asphyxiate from the smoke and coolant aerosolizing into the compartment. As you test your limbs, thanking the stars that none of them seem to be banged up too badly, you hear voices just outside the shuttle. They’re deep in hurried conversation and you recognize them as belonging to Spock and Dr. McCoy. You can’t make out what they’re saying, but you’re relieved that they’re alright. Your relief doesn’t last long, however, as a bloodcurdling scream tears through the otherwise relative silence. Your head snaps up and you hiss as it comes into contact with the shuttle’s console, the blow making you see stars. The scream was Spock’s, you’re sure of it, and you find yourself flying into a complete panic as you wonder what’s happening. You shift around, realizing the reason you can’t make much headway in clambering out of the shuttle is because you’re pinned beneath the now-broken piloting station. Wrenching around, you attempt to slide out from beneath the beam that’s lying across your legs but you don’t make much progress. You’re just about to cry out for help when the smoke around you clears a little bit and a strong pair of hands grips your upper arms, stilling you and making you yelp in surprise. “I’ve got you,” Dr. McCoy assures you. “Just relax and I’ll get you out of there.” You nod and do your best to calm down, groaning as he slips his hands under your arms and pulls you up just enough that you can get your knees out from beneath the beam that’s pinning them. Once they’re free, the rest is easy; you pull your legs up to your chest and slowly push yourself to your feet, ducking to avoid hitting your head as Dr. McCoy helps guide you out of the shuttle. “Are you hurt?” He asks as he gives you a hand in climbing over the door frame. “I don’t think so,” you reply, dropping to the ground and stumbling a little before catching yourself on a nearby boulder. “Just a bit banged up.” Glancing around the craggy valley you’ve crash landed in, you finally lay eyes on Spock where he’s bleeding and leaning against the side of the shuttle. Shaking off the CMO, you rush over to him, reaching out to put a hand on your shoulder both to steady yourself and to reassure him. “Oh my God,” you breathe as you take in the not insignificant gash on his side and all of the blood on his tunic. “Are you okay?!” “I am in satisfactory condition,” Spock replies, but you notice he’s moved to cover the gash with his hand and hide it from your view. “Are you wounded, Ashayam?” “I’m fine,” you insist, repeating what you’d told Dr. McCoy. “I would feel better if you allowed the doctor to assess you,” Spock countered. “You could easily have sustained internal injuries in the crash and the adrenaline in your system may be masking them.” “While I don’t disagree with you, Spock, I think we ought to find some shelter first,” the CMO interjects, earning himself a long-suffering look from you. “We’re sitting ducks out here. I don’t like it.” You nod and glance up at Spock again. “He’s right,” you agree. “We need to get to safety, then we can think about our next move.” “Agreed,” Spock relents, pushing himself up off the side of the shuttle and taking a shaky step forward. You move in, slipping underneath his arm and slinging it over your shoulders to help keep him stable as Dr. McCoy does the same on the other side. Together, the three of you glance around and choose to head in what you believe is an eastward direction. You don’t see any signs of other escape pods or alien craft having crashed anywhere nearby and you begin to wonder for the first time exactly where you are and how you’re going to contact the Enterprise, assuming there’s anything left of it. The three of you wander down the valley for a while, looking for shelter so you can be a little more out of the way and in relative safety before hunkering down to consider your next move. After a few failed attempts to hail the ship and a bit of hiking and scrambling over rocks – which has been made easier since Spock has recovered enough strength to walk unaided – you come across a network of caves that look more promising than anything you’ve seen so far. At the sight of the caves, Spock lurches forward unsteadily, nearly falling before catching himself on a rock. You rush over to him to help support him once more as the doctor admonishes him. “Take it easy there, Spock,” he grouses. “That was just a temporary fix back there.” Spock nods and you make a mental note to ask the CMO exactly what he means by temporary fix later on. You have no idea what happened with the two of them before you’d been pulled from the shuttle, but you do intend to find out. “I understand, Doctor,” the Vulcan acknowledges before starting forward again with your help. The two of you, with Dr. McCoy in tow, round a bend and come across a ground level entrance to the caves. You’re forced to duck as some small birdlike creatures flee the caves at the sound of company and you straighten again once they’ve cleared, considering the passage before you. “Fascinating,” Spock murmurs. “Ominous, dark, dangerous,” Dr. McCoy chips in, clearly displeased. If Spock hears him, he doesn’t acknowledge it. Instead, he simply presses forward, taking the first step toward the cave entrance with you at his side. “We’re going,” the doctor says – a statement, not a question, tone dripping with exasperation. The three of you make your way into the cave and you’re pleased to find that enough light to see by filters in through openings higher up in what appears to be some sort of an atrium with an altar of sorts at its center. A grunt of pain from Spock returns your attention to him and you move quickly to settle him into a seated position with his back against one of the cave’s walls. You kneel at his side and reach out, gently pressing a hand to his shoulder in reassurance. You know it’s illogical to him, but it makes you feel better – like maybe, just maybe, you’re helping in some small way. “Are you alright?” You ask, searching his features for any flicker of discomfort. “I remain in adequate condition,” Spock says in what you’re sure is meant to be a reassuring way. “Why don’t you let me be the judge of that?” Dr. McCoy interjects, coming to kneel on Spock’s other side and getting to work on a quick assessment. As he works, you shift around and settle on the floor next to Spock, your back against the wall, your hand splayed on his thigh. The doctor’s noises of displeasure briefly catch your attention but just as quickly he’s reassuring you that Spock is stable, if not in the best condition. “All we can do is wait now,” the CMO determines with a sigh, moving to join the two of you against the cave wall. You stare at the ceiling as the minutes and hours crawl by, your eyes taking in every letter of whatever alien alphabet adorns the ceiling and walls of the space you’re in. The silence is nice for a while, but it all too quickly gets to be too much as thoughts of what’s happened to the Enterprise and its crew begin to take dark turns and force your heart to start galloping uncomfortably in your chest. “So,” you start awkwardly, swallowing thickly as you snap out of your reverie. “Anything new and exciting to report?” Silence passes between the three of you for a moment before Dr. McCoy breaks it. “There’s a Denobulan flu going around that’s starting to affect the human crew, too,” he offers. “I expect to see you in the med bay as soon as we’re back on the ship so I can administer a vaccine.” You laugh humorlessly. “Do you really think there’ll be a ship to go back to?” You ask, your voice hollow. “I’ve got too much unfinished business on board for there not to be,” he replies. “Hell, I was going to propose to Jim on our next shore leave. I refuse to believe that this is how it ends.” Spock chuckles softly at his words. The sound is so uncharacteristic that it turns both of your heads and sends Dr. McCoy’s eyebrow creeping up toward his hairline. “Spock?” You ask warily. “My apologies, Y/N,” Spock says lightly. “I am simply amused by how timely Dr. McCoy’s proposal is. The captain will undoubtedly need the levity after I deliver some personal news.” “What kind of personal news?” You press. He looks up to meet your eyes and you swear you see apology in his gaze as he reaches out to take your hand. It’s an intimate gesture for a Vulcan and all of a sudden your heart’s racing away again as you consider how bad the news must be if the usually stoic Vulcan feels the need to cushion the blow with such a display of affection. “I have recently been informed of Ambassador Spock’s passing,” he begins. As you listen to the story, pay witness to the depth of feeling that Spock had for the ambassador, your heart absolutely splinters apart. You know that he’s hurting even if he won’t show it, and even Dr. McCoy is humbled enough by his words to get out a genuine, empathetic apology. Your heartbreak for him does nothing to soften the blow that comes a moment later, however, when he explains that in light of Ambassador Spock’s demise, he is going to be leaving the Enterprise to continue the elder Vulcan’s work. “When were you going to discuss this with me?” You ask. Dr. McCoy shrinks back a little at your tone, averting his gaze and clearing his throat awkwardly, undoubtedly wishing he was anywhere else but within earshot of the conversation at hand. “I was going to discuss it with you as soon as this mission was over,” Spock explains. You fall silent, averting your gaze, chewing on your lip as your thoughts race by at warp speed. Spock leaving the Enterprise. Spock going to assist in the repopulation of the Vulcan species. Spock going to be with his own people, in his own culture, away from humans, from human fickleness and emotion. Away from you. “I’m not going to say that you can’t go or that I want to stand in your way,” you say evenly once you’re ready to speak again. “All I ask is that you consider my feelings in all of this; consider us and what this means for our relationship. I don’t want an answer right now, but I need to know where you stand. I need to know what we mean to you.” “Very well,” Spock says lightly with a polite incline of his head. “I assure you that I will have an appropriate response prepared for you upon some more reflection. Just allow me to reassure you now, Ashayam, that no amount of time or distance could ever lessen the depth of my feelings for you.” His words are a bit of a balm on your suddenly-frayed nerves, though you try not to let yourself hope that he’s willing to maintain a long distance relationship too much just yet. To be entirely truthful, you’re not sure how you feel about that sort of an arrangement yourself. It’s easy enough to live without sex for long periods of time, but you’re not sure missing his companionship – however distant and dispassionate it may be sometimes – will be as easy to weather. “McCoy to Enterprise,” the doctor’s voice suddenly interrupts your thoughts, and you realize he’s moved to the mouth of the cave to try his communicator again. Pulling yourself out of your reverie, you stretch a little and grimace from the stiffness in your muscles and bones. You realize belatedly that Spock’s hand had come to rest on your neck some time during your contemplation and you close your eyes and bask in the feeling of his long, slender, skilled fingers gently kneading at the tension beneath them. You thank him wordlessly, squeezing his thigh where your hand is resting on it as you turn to look at Dr. McCoy. “You won’t have any luck from in here,” you explain. “We’ll need to try our luck outside again.” Moving reluctantly away from Spock, you get to your feet and brush off your uniform dress. Shaking out your legs, you make your way over toward Dr. McCoy and glance outside. It’s still plenty light out and with so much sunshine to see by, you figure now is as good a time as any to head back into the valley and try to get a message out. “I’m going to go try from out there,” you insist. “Maybe try to get to higher ground.” “I’m coming with you,” Dr. McCoy says firmly, but you shake your head. “You need to stay and watch Spock,” you argue. “That will not be necessary,” Spock says coolly, his voice much closer than expected. Looking over your shoulder, you realize he’s on his feet and heading toward you, one hand clamped over his injury in an obvious attempt to control the pain he’s undoubtedly feeling. He’s moving slowly but surely and you sigh, knowing you’ve lost the fight before it’s even begun. “Alright, we’ll all go,” you say flatly. “But you’re going to take it easy, and Dr. McCoy is going to stay close to you.” Both men nod in agreement with your words and you take a deep, steadying breath before stepping forward, making your way out of the cave. You can hear the two of them shuffling along behind you and you maintain a good pace, leaving a little bit of room between you. As you hike, you stop here and there to attempt contact, feeling your hopelessness and frustration ratcheting up with every failure to receive a reply. As you take your comm away from your mouth for what feels like the hundredth time, you hear the sound of some sort of a craft cutting through the air. Glancing around frantically, you feel panic well up in your chest as the same sorts of shuttles that the three of you had crash landed in fly in low overhead and begin to circle the three of you. You know they’ve spotted you and with Spock in poor condition – now being led along by Dr. McCoy – you know you’ll never make it to safety before they close in. “Run, Y/N,” Spock calls to you from several yards away. “I’m not leaving you!” You yell back, and you can tell by the expression on Dr. McCoy’s face that he’s not going anywhere, either. “You have the best chance of survival,” Spock argues. “If you run back the way we came, you may be able to find a suitable hiding place in time.” “Not a chance,” you shoot back with a firm shake of your head. Just as the three shuttles encircle your little group, you watch in mingled surprise and horror as a cloud of white and gold static envelops Spock. He disappears in the flurry of the transporter beam within moments, and before Dr. McCoy can so much as react, he’s swept up, too, leaving you alone in the clearing. Reaching for your phaser, you pluck it off of your belt and hold it up in front of you, pointing it at the shuttle hovering nearest to you. It’s futile, you know, but you’d rather go down fighting than surrender to death. You’re ready to pull the trigger when suddenly, the same gold and white light that spirited Spock and Dr. McCoy away envelops you. You gasp in shock, take a deep breath, close your eyes, and wonder what’s waiting for you on the other side as you’re swept up and disassociated into nothing but the building blocks of your being.

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trekkin-bubblegum · 7 years

Text

A change of scenery (part one)

It took me a lot to write this so I hope you enjoy.

I dedicate this to my wonderful mum

Warnings: none I don’t think

pairing: none yet

“His daughter is a mermaid, but approach her with caution. Her mind swims at depths most would drown in”

“you just have to hope Scotty won’t be sitting day after day, year after year saying, ‘I love you’ before kissing her headstone”

“you read the file then”

“of course, I did, like the rest of the crew I, will be responsible for her health, also when I found out scotty had a daughter I couldn’t not read the file, I mean why wouldn’t he say something”

“he was sworn to secrecy by Starfleet, he almost got condemned for it”

“because he fell in love?”

“he fell in love with a woman from the 20th century, doctor”

“I thought his daughter was born in the 21st”

“yes, but her mother was born in the 1960s, the girl was born in the year 2000”

“the girl has a name its (Y/N) (Y/L/N) born on the (Y/B/D) 2000”

“I know we clarified that doctor”

“when does she come aboard?”

“we pick her up from star base six in a few hours, she has been in our time for about six months”

“they deemed her immune system strong enough, but I will be giving her a fully physical just to make sure”

“bones, bones you need to give the girl a chance, she’ll be absolutely terrified, remember she did lose her mother not that long ago, her mother died in an invisible war one of the first victims of that attack”

“not before innocence”

“what do you mean by that?”

“the first victim of war is innocence, especially when it is an invisible war, how could people live like that, how could people go to work on a train and know that a terrorist could attack them it’s not even like attacks were rare they happened just about every month”

“why don’t you ask the girl”

“she’s been through enough without me pestering her”

“I thought you were going to give her a physical?”

My eyes bore into the ceiling above, a whir of a tricorder next to my head and talking from the doctor next to me, but I found myself a little too distracted my mind kept going back to the night my mother died, it was the first night I finally understood why people fear silence and at that moment when I saw the life leave her beautiful eyes it was at four years old I realised that none of us are immortal.

My mother has always told me that my father was a solider but he had to leave to go to war and only a flag came back. But when my mother died, I almost died too. The straight line is the most terrifying thing I have experienced.

Losing my mother made me think that if I take a deep breathe will I breathe clean air, or will my lungs be filled with chemical gas and children will die around me. When you lose someone like I did these questions, I don’t believe in God, used to but how can I love anyone if I am going to lose them, I will never love this man who is my dad. He left me in my time of need, didn’t even come to see me sent people in uniforms, from the federation, how can I love someone that who for all my life I had never known.

“energize”

There she stood. A small girl with mousey brown hair at waist that was done in thick braids, big brown eyes peeked out from thick eyelashes, she kind of looked like scotty but it really was only the eyes.

“good afternoon, Miss Scott, unfortunately your father has been caught up in engineering so Mr Spock, Doctor McCoy and I will conduct a tour of the ship when you are ready, but first we will show you to your quarters”

“thank you, sir”

Smiling at her Scottish accent I helped her down of the transporter pad, I looked to Bones who was studying her.

“this way” she smiled faintly at me and Bones ever the southern gentleman put his arm out to her which she took, just got to hope we don’t run into Mr Scott along the corridor.

Taking in her clothing I quickly realised it was Starfleet transportation uniform with a green stripe on the sleeve, which is the standard civilian uniform colour if being transported between space stations or ships.

“These will be your quarters they connect with your fathers we do hope you will be comfortable in your draw you will find some clothes that communications officer Uhura, nurse Chapel and yeoman Rand, who you meet later, we will leave you for now to get settled, your father will be along shortly”

“thank you, Sir”

After leaving her quarters I turned to Spock and McCoy. “so, what do we reckon?”

“what do you mean, Jim” chuckling at Spock’s inability to understand a human question.

“what he means by that Mr Spock, is what we think of the girl”

“yes, Doctor I understood the context quite clearly”

“then why ask the question”

“gentlemen, gentlemen all I did was ask a question” I said getting into the lift

“she seems nice, doesn’t say much though”

“Doctor, although I am not familiar with human emotions I can understand that she will be nervous and or scared by all of this”

“Spock, look here I am a doctor I’m now her doctor, so stop trying to be her physiologist”

“doctor, I sim-“

“bridge”

“simply was explaining what she must be feeling, I am a Vulcan not a Betazoid I cannot possible know what she is thinking”

Spock finished the conversation and went to his station, probably realising that some mediation would be happening tonight. One-nil to Bones, he lent on the back of the chair chuckling.

“Mr Scott” I said over the communicator

“aye sir”

“your daughter is on board and in your new quarters”

“thank you, sir, if you don’t mind I was going to finish up here”

“of course, Mr Scott, you are off duty tomorrow”

Smiling to myself I cut off the communication.

I stood in the middle of my new room it was a reasonable size there was a sort of living room area which had a table and chairs then through a small door way was a bed, a wardrobe, a desk with what looked to be a computer and next to it a small book shelf already filled with classics and some textbooks. Through another door leading of my room was a small bathroom with a shower, toilet, sink and vanity table peeking in the draws I found some makeup and jewellery and in a draw below that was an arrangement of soaps, deodorants and perfumes. Walking back though to my room area I peaked in the wardrobe there were a couple of dresses and jump suits, including the green Starfleet civilian transportation uniform. Sighing I sat down on the bed, looking over to the desk I spotted a piece of paper.

“dear Miss Scott,

Welcome aboard the USS Enterprise, before you get fully settled there are some rules which you must pay attention to as this is an on-duty government vessel.

1. There are restricted areas on the ship and we ask that you pay attention to this unless you have permission from myself, the Captain.

2. If someone ask for you over ships communication, you must acknowledge.

3. It will be at your father’s discretion what punishment you are given if you break any rules, unless it is severe then it will be either first officer Spock or myself.

4. We do not mind your choice of clothing but please make sure it is appropriate, please follow this if a planet dignitary if coming aboard the ship.

5. Unless stated by the person you must refer to them by rank and last name for example first officer/ lieutenant commander Spock.

6. Please respect that shift work takes place on the ship so some people may be sleeping at different times

7. By law of the federation you must have at least four hours a day of schooling by a Starfleet tutor

8. If an alarm sounds please contact the bridge to let us know where you are if yellow alert sounds make your way to either the bridge or your quarters, if red alert or battle stations sounds make your way to sickbay and intern Doctor McCoy’s office and wait until further instructions from a senor crew member (lieutenant-commander and above).

We hope that you have a pleasant time on the enterprise for more information on rules and regulations please see the book on your book shelf titled ‘United Federation of Planets: rules and regulations of an on-duty Star Ship’.

Yours sincerely

Captain James T. Kirk

U.S.S Enterprise

Placing down the piece of paper I looked up at the wall and saw a clock I saw the time was 12:20 pm. I walked into the bathroom I went to take a shower this was all a little too much to handle.

After stepping out I got dressed and walked into my room where I saw a hunched figure in a red shirt sitting on my bed.

“um hello?”

“oh! sorry I dinnae mean tae startle you- “

“are you Mr Scott, my dad”

“yes lass, how do you do?”

“I’m” my voice cracked and I was so overcome with emotion I could no longer speak.

“hey, come here” he said pulling me into his arms and suddenly the man who I didn’t think I could love was gone and my father was holding me, crying into his chest he just held me.

Pulling away from him I got a good look at his face. I think I saw a man who I had known my entire life, but I knew it wasn’t true studying his face through my tears I saw a man who looked surprisingly venerable, he had wrinkles mapping out his eyes and corners of his mouth. You could tell he needed a shave and a haircut and that’s when I realised it is because of me as soon as he was informed I was alive or informed he has a daughter, he was probably going mad with wanting to meet me. For months now I had been thinking about him, criticizing him, but he didn’t deserve any of my insults that I had for him because he is my father and I’m not all.

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all-sortsa-stuff · 7 years

Text

Time for a change, part 4

Pairing: Jim Kirk x Reader

Word Count: 1600

Warning: McCoy being McCoy

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

You made it to the bridge, though the hypospray was starting to wear off. There was now ringing in your ears from what you were certain was the concussion. However, you held onto the wall as you walked out of the turbolift. The crew on the bridge looked similar to that of sickbay. They were scrambling around looking for answers on what was going on. Commander Spock was the first to notice you. “Lieutenant is there a reason you are on the bridge. That wound on your head needs medical attention. I suggest you proceed to…” You stopped him before he went further. Jim turning around from his chair, jumping up as soon as he saw it was you.

“[Y/N], what are you doing? I thought you were going to the sickbay.” As you shook your head, another wave of dizziness flared. But you did not let it stop you.

“I went and Doctor McCoy looked at me but I heard something one of the crew said so I had to get to you. I have worked directly radiation for the last two years. I have studied it my whole career. All these things that are happening are related. You have to adjust the sensors to search for iodized radiation. If this sector had a super nova in the last decade, there may be rare pockets of iodized radiation. These pockets can develop into anomalies that can pretty much wipe out the energy on a ship. Say pull a ship from warp…” Commander Spock and Jim stood there in silence for a moment. They looked at each other then looked back at you.

“Why haven’t we heard about this type of thing before?” Jim asked quickly, his hands on his hips.

“It’s a rare occurrence. However, it is discussed in the science circles. It’s called a Borden Anomaly. An explorer many years ago documented it after the nova in the Dramen System. It has only been seen a handful of times. Documented at least. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were ships lost to them that we don’t know about.” Jim looked conflicted but nodded to you.

“Show Spock what needs to be done.” Spock motioned for you to move to the closest terminal for you to begin your calibrations. “Kirk to McCoy. Do you have a minute to come to the bridge and treat a wayward science officer before she tries to die on my bridge?” You glanced over your shoulder noticing Jim looking at you with a raised brow. As if to challenge you to disagree. With a sigh, you turned back to the terminal and got to work.

“That wayward science officer snuck out of my sickbay. She needs to return so I can treat her properly.” McCoy sounded irritated with his terse response. You cringed in your chair but you continued.

“As much as I would love to drag her down to the sickbay, she is in the process of saving the ship. So I will give her some leeway. Come on Bones just get up here.”

“Damn it. Fine, I am on my way. It’s your problem if she dies before I get there.” You rolled your eyes, which did not help the dizziness, but you refused to die. It was just a concussion, and you had too much work to do. The calibrations took a few minutes to complete. Once finished you moved over to work with the science officer already stationed there to get the scans started. Doctor McCoy strolled onto the bridge with kit in hand. You could feel him glaring at the back of your head. “Do you need another hypo? That last one probably wore off by now.”

Turning to look at him with a small smile. “Yes please. I have been dizzy and my ears have been ringing since I got up here.” The doctor sighed, shaking his head at you.

“Damn woman. You don’t understand how serious that head injury is. I can only treat symptoms here. I need to get you back to the sickbay to treat the rest of it.” With the tricorder in hand, he waved it over your head.

“I do understand. But we have to get the ship out of this situation. Let me do what I need to and I swear I will go back to the sickbay.” It was then Jim had gotten up from his chair, walking over to place a hand on Doctor McCoy’s shoulder.

“Bones do what you can and let her finish. If she can’t get this figured out then I don’t know what will happen to the rest of the crew.” Jim looked over at you giving a half smile. He looked concerned and you knew the only way to fix that was to finish the scans.

“Alright. Do whatever it is you are doing. But I am staying here until you finish and then I am going to drag you back there myself. Got it?” You nodded as the smile grew on your face.

“Yes, sir.” The scans took longer than you had anticipated as some of the sensors had been damaged when the ship was pulled from warp. During that time as you worked with the other science officer, Doctor McCoy gave you another hypospray and monitored you closely. The bridge was far quieter than it had been when you arrived earlier. There were the hushed conversations you could hear in the periphery as you worked. Any other time it would have made you nervous but now the ship and its crew were in danger and you hoped that you were able to prevent anything worse from happening.

The last of the readings came in and were compiled. You read over the information falling back into the chair with a sigh. “What is it, [Y/N]?” Jim asked as he moved up behind your chair.

“I was able to map out the anomaly. However, it is twice the size that I expected. Meaning we are directly in the middle of it, of course. It explains the odd readings and the crew sickness. We are completely surrounded by it. There is no way to go to warp while we are still inside. I do not do those type of calculations considering I am not an engineer, but at subwarp, it is going to take us a while. And that is only if we can figure out a way to get this thing moving without damaging the rest of the ship.” A younger looking officer popped up from the front of the bridge.

“Keptin, vhat if we recalibrate zee deflectors and zee shields for zis type of radiation. In theory, zis could repel zee radiation. Zhen zee ship could use auxiliary power to move out of zee anomaly.” Jim looked back at you with a raised brow.

“Think this could work?” You shrugged.

“It sounds like a solid theory. You will have to get with engineering to see if it’s possible. I can compile what I have so they can get started.” He nodded at you, a look of hope on his face.

“Chekov, get down to Scotty. Tell him what we came up with and see if he can do it. Use Lieutenant [Y/L/N]’s information to make the changes.” The young man nodded and ran off the bridge. You took a long breath, feeling as though a large weight was lifting. A look around the bridge gave you the same feeling from everyone else. Jim walked over to you, touching your head lightly, looking at the still bloodied gash on your forehead. “Let Bones take you to the sickbay. You need to get fixed up. I will come check on you in a little while.”

“All right. I will go this time. Let me know if they need any further help.” He laughed quietly.

“Just go and have Bones treat you. I will let you know if you are needed for anything else once you are healed.” You let doctor escort you to the turbolift. Leaning back against the wall as it descended floors, Doctor McCoy looked over at you.

“He cares about you, you know.” Opening your eyes to look at him you were afraid to speak. “Jim does. He cares about you. You don’t know him as I do. He was scared about your safety while you were working.” That was not what you had expected to hear. You were surprised to say the least.

“I care about him too. I did not want to let him down or something happen to the crew. If he survived he would never forgive himself.” The man before you laughed as he looked down at the deck.

“Maybe you do know him a bit.” The rest of the trip was silent as you thought about what had transpired. A sharp flash of pain torn through your head as the doors of the turbolift opened. If Doctor McCoy had not been there to catch your arm you would have fallen to the floor. Your vision was fading to black as it felt like your head was going to burst. A cry of pain escaping your lips. “Lieutenant? [Y/N]? Talk to me. What are you feeling?”

“It hurts…oh God… my head. I can’t see..” You lost consciousness at that point. Doctor McCoy lifted you in his arms, almost running with your limp body into the sickbay.

“Christine clear exam two. I think she has a subdural bleed.” The medical team stepping up to take care of the woman who had pretty much saved their ship and all their lives.

Part 5

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jamest-kirk · 7 years

Note

Can you do a mckirk prompt where there's some sort of transporter malfunction (because there's always is) and Jim is beamed aboard but can't be seen or felt, and everyone thinks he's dead and he can see and hear everything?

Jim doesn’t feel any different when he’s beamed back on board. Honestly, he feels fine. The two redshirts and Chekov, however, look pale and confused. “Where is Captin Kirk?” Chekov asks. “Here-” Jim starts, but he’s cut off by Scotty. “He should’ve beamed aboard with you lads,” he says. “I’m. Here,” Jim repeats, watching Chekov step off the platform and approach Scotty’s work station. Together, they seem to be focusing on trying to find him down on the planet they previously visited, and ignore all of Jim’s calls to them. The two red shirts walk straight by him, too. So, he’s invisible? After exactly two seconds of sheer panic, Jim’s lips turn into a grin. He can at least have some fun with this.

Spock is on the Bridge when Jim arrives. The doors slide open for him, oddly enough, but the crew see no one arrive. Odd as that is, no one seems alarmed by it, as malfunctions happen quite regularly when Jim lets Scotty tinker freely on the ship. “Mr. Scott,” Spock speaks into the communicator, “please provide us a proper explanation when you tell me “I lost Kirk”. That’s impossible.“ Jim’s reaches out, a hand on Spock’s shoulder to startle him, but the other doesn’t seem to feel it at all.

Apparently the whole ship just loses it because they lost their captain, who’s mostly just fucking with Sulu’s and Spock’s workstations at this point. He’s trying to get a message across to Uhura for a while, too, hoping he can find a way to mess with the frequencies she listens to, but to no avail. “Captain Kirk was with us when we were beamed up,” Chekov says when Jim follows Spock to Scotty and the others. “I cannae pick him up on the scanners, sir,” Scotty says to Spock, who frowns ever so lightly when he’s stressed. “Send a search party down,” Spock says, “make sure to scan the surface again.” “Aye, sir,” Scotty says.

Jim strolls to medbay, hoping that somehow Bones can sense him. It’s all fun and games to be invisible, but the fun wears off really fast when Jim has this constant state of needing attention. This way, he’s not getting any. But Bones doesn’t see him at all. He doesn’t even know anything is wrong, because he’s working on the archives in med, and keeps himself occupied with that until Spock calls him over, too.

Everyone searches the surface all night. Spock doesn’t want to leave until they found him, which even surprises Jim because they’re on schedule, and it goes against the prime directive. Bones is on the surface, too, going around in an attempt to try and find his best friend. Jim wishes he could be beamed down again, but to no avail.

“I retraced our steps,“ Scotty says to Spock and Bones when they’re back on the ship, “I can definitely see that we picked up Kirk when we beamed you up from that planet.” “But he isn’t here now, is he?” Bones counters. “Well, no. There was a malfunction in the transporter. His particles aren’t properly reattached.” “What does that mean?” Spock asks, “where is Jim now?” “Theoretically,” Scotty says, and he cringes a little while he speaks, “he just ceased to exist.” “Damn it, Scotty,” Bones calls out to him, “I didn’t bring Jim back from the dead just to have him leave again.” “I’m sorry, doctor,” Scotty says, “I cannae do more than this.”

It’s not true. Jim knows he still exists. The ship knows he still exists because it reacts to his presence. The doors to his quarters slide open just as it always did. If he tries hard enough, even certain buttons on his captain’s chair react to him, though it’s always too exhausting to actually send a message, no matter how hard he tries. But none of the humans seem to respond to anything. Not a touch of his hand or him calling -hell, even crying, screaming- out their names. The mood in the ship is at an all time low, too, and Jim feels just as bad. He follows Spock and Uhura for the longest time to try and draw their attention, but to no avail. They can’t stay at the planet longer, and so they leave, despite no one wanting to.

Bones is a whole different story. Bones is a mess. Jim’s never seen his reaction to Jim dying at the hands of Khan, but he can witness it again close up now. Bones just drinks himself to sleep and does the very same thing the next day. Doesn’t even show up for work. Spock doesn’t question it, just schedules him offline while Bones allows himself to wallow in self pity. Jim lies next to him, quietly watching his best friend go through hours of stupid footage they shot on the ship. Mostly Jim filming those short 5 second videos roaming the Enterprise’s hallways and praising literally every nook and cranny. Small shots of Bones and Jim drinking in the bar together, lots of footage of Bones calling out Jim for his erratic and idiotic behavior. Jim feels just as miserable as Bones looks, because he isn’t dead, but everyone treats him as such.

Bones is still a mess, but after the self pity doesn’t make him feel any better, he just kind of buries himself in work. And that’s when Jim gets an idea. Because Bones takes those long, steamy showers, and Jim reaches out for the foggy mirror in the bathroom. “I’m Here,” he writes on the mirror with his fingers, and then watches Bones step out of the water, drying himself off quietly. In any other situation, Jim would’ve found that distracting, but he’s too eager to watch Bones’ reaction. Bones wraps that towel around his waist and approaches the mirror, frowning at the fading message written down. Instead of questioning that, he just wipes it away with his hand and instead focuses on shaving. “God damn it, Bones,” Jim mutters under his breath.

He tries again the next time Bones showers. “Bones. Jim here.” he writes. That, at least, sparks Bones’ attention when he reads it. “Jim?” “Yes!” Jim calls out, realizing Bones can’t hear that. So he just draws a quick smiley on the mirror before that, too, fades. “You’re supposed to be dead,” Bones says, though Jim can hear the sheer relief in his voice. The foggy mirror is quickly clearing up, though, and so Bones turns on the faucet to hot, pretty much wasting his hot water. “Help?” Jim writes down, and Bones nods. “I’ll talk to Scotty and Spock.” Jim nods, realizing Bones can’t see that, and so Jim watches Bones get dressed and head out the door; following him closely.

Scotty figures it out after a few hours. Or so he thinks. Because Scotty’s technically not sure what even malfunctioned in the first place. They fix it by flying towards the nearest Class M Planet, and Bones and Spock beam down together, and Jim stands on his own platform, too. He’s beamed down with them, though that doesn’t seem to do the exact trick. The scanners do finally pick him up when he’s about to be beamed back up, and somehow being put together in an actual body after being invisible for a few days is not a painless process. Jim has a pounding headache when he opens his eyes, and he’s on the floor. Bones is kneeling down next to him, one of his ever-beeping machines pressed against his cheek. Spock is on his other side. “Are you okay?” Spock asks, and Jim nods. “I feel like I’ve been put through a blender.” “That seems like an accurate description of what happened,” Scotty says, and Jim huffs. Bones helps him stand up straight, though his knees still feel weak. “I’ll get you to your quarters,” Bones says, and Spock nods.

Jim groans when his back finally hits the mattress. Rather than letting Bones leave, though, he grabs his hand and pulls him down, too. "Thank you," Jim says, "now stay for a little while." "Fine," Bones says as though it's so much effort to do so. Jim rolls to his side, sliding an arm around Bones' waist, and smiling fondly as Bones raises his eyebrows. "I'm just glad you managed to figure it out," Jim says, and Bones shrugs. "I didn't do much. I thought you were dead." "That's true, you were even more miserable as when we first met," Jim points out, and Bones scoffs. "So not true." "I saw you watching my video recordings over and over again, Bones. There's no denying. You love me so much," Jim jokes, but Bones looks eerily serious. "I do," he says, and now Jim raises an eyebrow. "What-" "I do love you," Bones says, "I thought you were dead and it just wrecked me. I'm not even gonna lie about that." "You couldn't, because I saw. I was there. I spent the last few days with you," Jim points out, "I tried to hard to get that message across-" he's cut off when Bones leans in and kisses him. Maybe it's just that stress relief, maybe it's more than that. But Jim is happy to receive that, sliding his arms up to wrap them around his shoulders, keeping him close for a little while. "What I was trying to say," Jim continues when Bones pulls away, and he smiles fondly when the other rolls his eyes since Jim's still talking, "is that I love you too, Bones."

#Anonymous #mckirk #otp: damn it jim #jim kirk #leonard mccoy #bones #headcanons #mckirkenterprise #enterprise au

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littlecarowrites · 7 years

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~ Healer In The Ice ~

Request: A McCoy/Reader story where the reader deliberately hides some kind of medical condition from him and he accidentally discovers it somehow and he's angry at the reader for hiding it from him? - Anon

Words: 4493

Warnings: injuries, death, mention and description of illness, cursing

Beta’d: By the amazing @outside-the-government! Thank you so much! If you’re following me, you’re probably already following her, but if you don’t... what are you still doing here? Go follow her!

A/N: Hey! I'm really sorry for the wait and for the fact that only a little portion of the story is actually about your request. I got carried away trying to find a reason for the medical condition to appear (for everybody wondering: Yes, this can happen, I didn't make this up. That's the type of asthma I have. Which is funny, because everytime I start to cough now, everybody thinks I'm having an asthma attack). And well, I hope you don't mind, but in this story Bones and the reader aren't romantically involved. I'm 110% sure that Bones would know everything about his girlfriend and something like that wouldn't be able to happen. I could of course have gone with a story where the reader gets sick and doesn't tell Bones, but I thought this would be a nice change. If you'd like a story where they are together, I can either rewrite it, make an additional ending or make a part two for you! ENJOY!

„Permission to enter the bridge, Captain.“, you said as the doors of the turbolift swished open.

„Permission granted Officer Y/L/N.“

You entered the bridge, stopped and blinked. An almost incomprehensible „Wow“ escaped your lips, as your eyes locked on the wide window at the other end of the bridge. You heard someone chuckle, not quite sure who it was and took another step closer to the wonderful view in front of you.

„Not quite the view you're accustomed too, right?"

„Not at all“, you answered your captain and shook your head. As a security officer you were stationed at the very bottom of the ship, behind the warp core in the shuttle-prep and engineering zone. There weren't any windows down there and if there were, they were so small and at such an unsuitable place, that you couldn't see anything looking out of them.

„Well, don't get used to it. We just got hailed by Starfleet. The existence of an ice planet not far away from us seems to be threatened.“

„Threatened by whom?“

„Itself. Well, its atmosphere if we want to be exact. According to satellite pictures the planet seems to be collapsing and will implode soon. The ice is melting and the water surrounding the few pieces of land is rising fast.“

A hint of confusion appeared in your face. “With all due respect Captain, what do we have to do with it? If we stay away from its atmosphere the Enterprise has no reason to expect any turbulence.”

With a sigh Kirk spun around to you and stood up. He nodded to Spock, who took the sign and sat on the captain's chair, as Kirk threw his arm around your shoulders and walked with you back to the turbolift. As you turned around and the door closed, you quickly glanced one last time out of the big window.

Kirk pressed the button for the med bay deck, his arm still around your shoulders. “I didn't get the chance to get to know you yet. With you being transferred to the Enterprise not even a year ago, just before we started our five-year mission and all the little problems and challenges we encountered along the way, there was just no time for me to get to know the new crew. But I've heard good things about you Y/L/N, you're brave, you're strong and you've already saved multiple crew members on various away missions, without the fear of hurting yourself. That's why I want to be honest with you, this mission won't be easy.”

The doors swished open and Kirk moved his arm from around your shoulder to the small of your back and pushed you gently out of the turbolift. You glanced at him, not understanding why he was suddenly so serious, especially after he just told you about an imploding planet.

“Captain, what? What mission? I'm sorry, but I don't-”

A rumble shook through the ship and you had to grab Kirk's arm to not fall to the floor. He placed his arm around your hips, pulling you closer to him and holding onto the railing of the bridge you were crossing as the ship suddenly shook again and began to plummet with the rear part first.

Multiple screams were heard, when a group of crew members slid past you down the bridge into the corridors, which were now beneath you, without finding a place to hold onto. A man tried to grab your leg, but he was to slow and only managed to take your boot with him.

“What the hell?!”, Kirk screamed when the red alert started and some explosions could be heard from inside the ship. Then the captain's comm started to buzz in his pants. “Could you? I can't really let go of you or the railing.”

You fumbled around at his pants, happy about the red lighting that managed to hide the blush that crept onto your face. You finally flipped open the comm. “Officer Y/L/N here, the captain doesn't have any free hands at the moment.”

“Oi! Lassie! It's Scotty. Tell him that we seem to have some wee problems in the engineering department. We seem to have lost power and gravitation at some decks all over the ship and the warp core has gone puff. And well... the ship's falling.”

“You don't say!”, you screamed into the comm as the red alert grew louder. You were certain that Kirk would not be able to hear you, so you didn't even try to talk to him. “When do you think will we be getting the power back to stabilize the ship?”

“Soon I hope!”

“Well then, work faster!”

“Don't scream at me lassie! It won't make it better!”

“I'm screaming because if I didn't you wouldn't be able to hear me!”

“What are you saying?! I can't hear ye! Ah! Get off there! It's not a climbing frame! Help me get this ship back under control!” And the comm went silent.

You sighed and began to put the comm back into Kirk's pants, just shaking your head as he looked questioningly at you. 'We're stuck here for the moment', you mouthed slowly, for him to understand what you were trying to say. He just nodded and tightened his grip around your waist and the railing.

You didn't know how long you were hanging there, listening to people screaming, things falling and crashing into walls and the few explosions all over the Enterprise, but suddenly Kirk began to tickle you.

Shocked you snapped your head up and stared into his eyes, when you noticed him trying to signal you something. His eyes went back and forth between your face and his back pocket and he mouthed: 'My comm's buzzing again.'

'Oh.' You slowly let go of the railing and his waist, that you grabbed some time ago, to support him and not letting him hold your entire weight, but when you flipped open the communicator the call had already ended, the name 'Bones' displayed on the screen. 'It's Doctor McCoy.'

You quickly pressed some buttons to call the doctor back and held the comm to your ear, hoping the red alert hadn't damaged your hearing ability too much.

“Jim?”

“No, it's Officer Y/L/N. The captain doesn't have any free hands at the moment.”

“Well darlin'”, he chuckled, seemingly biting back some pain, “I shouldn't either. The whole damn ship blew up and you would think that the med bay would be filling up as we speak. Only, it isn't!” He grumbled on, his voice getting quieter as he screamed something at some nurses probably and put his comm away, only to come back some seconds later. “There are injured crew members floating around on various decks and I've got my nurses and medics that are getting hurt by flying medical equipment while we're plummeting to our deaths! So, my question is: Have you talked to Scott? Does he knows when the gra-”

With a sound as if some gearing wheels finally fell back into place and hooked into each other, the Enterprise suddenly goes dark and with a muffled cry you and the Captain fell to the floor again, as the entire ship stabilized itself. The red alert stopped, but was soon replaced by a hissing sound, as if some gas was leaking somewhere.

Due to the forceful impact you let the comm out of your grip and it slid under the railing and fell down into a lower deck. You rolled down from Kirk, both groaning, blinking and trying to accustom to the darkness and laying still for a moment. “You good?”, he asked and you nodded. He then stood up and helped you up.

“Keptin! Keptin!” The sound of someone running could be heard and the light beam of a flashlight hit you and you had to cover your eyes with your hands.

“Chekov!”, Kirk said and took the flashlight that the young ensign was holding out to him happily.

You turned away, no trying to listen to their hushed voices as you looked away from the light and leaned onto the railing, shaking your head and blinking your eyes, trying to suppress a cough that was rising in your throat. That damn gas was nearly everywhere by now.

After a while you could hear the ensign running away again. “Y/L/N! Come on, we gotta go to the med bay.” He hesitated. “Why are you only wearing one boot?”

x–x

The med bay was buzzing. Doctor McCoy wasn't kidding when he said it would be full after this accident. The moment the ship stabilized itself and the emergency power and the gravitation worked again in the med bay, everybody began to move themselves there.

You coughed as you entered the med bay. You had inhaled a lot of the gas, as you accidentally walked right in front of a leak, which Scotty, after Kirk had reached him with your comm and talked to him about the ships condition, declared as unproblematic, but it was still irritating your throat.

“Damn it, Jim!”, the doctor shouted when he saw that the captain was trying to access one of the PADD's. “What are you doin'? Don't you see that we have some bigger problems here? Leave the PADD in peace! As I already said to the lovely lady here, Scotty managed to blow the ship up again!” With a few quick steps he was right beside his beloved captain and tore the PADD out of his hands. Now you saw that his left arm was bandaged, he must have fallen on it when the power cut out.

“Yes Bones, I can see and feel that.”, Kirk grunted and showed him some bruises from under his uniform. “But you told me yourself this morning, that you wanted to do a physical with every crew member that will be part of the away team.”

“Away team?” “You still want to send some idiots down there?!” You and McCoy asked and shouted at the same time.

“We need to. Not only because Starfleet said so, but... during the black-out the Enterprise was drawn into the atmosphere of the planet, Chekov just told me. If we don't stop the planet from imploding, we will have bigger problems than some small explosion inside the ship. And also, you'll be one of the idiots too, Bones.”

“Well that's just typical! But I don't have time for that. I've got a ship to save.” He looked around in the med bay and fixated on a nurse, his facial expression turning cold. “Damn it! It's not time to sleep! Look at his vitals nurse! Keep him alive!” And then, without another word, he was gone.

“Never heard him saying that, he might have fallen on his head too.” Kirk sighed and turned, pushing you out of the med bay. “We're going to do that without physicals then. Not that anybody will complain, getting Hypos is a horrible experience.”

You chuckled and gladly discovered, that the normal power had come back and now not only the med bay but the rest of the ship was illuminated with light again. “I did a physical shortly before coming to the Enterprise. Doctor McCoy should be able to see all important information about my health in my files.”

“So you don't have any serious problems?”, the captain asked and eyed you suspiciously as you started to cough again.

“No, that's just the gas. Would I be a security officer if I had?”

“Fine”, he huffed. “Go prep a shuttle Y/L/N. I don't think Scotty will be able to fix the transporter until tomorrow, there are still some decks without gravity. But back to the mission: According to Starfleet the planet has no recorded life forms on it, but one can never know. We'll meet tomorrow at 0800 sharp. You going to be four: You, Bones, science officer McKellen, who will collect some samples of the vegetation and operations officer Forster, who will be using the atmospheric regulator, that you're going to take with you, to hopefully stop or at least postpone the implosion. And, don't worry about Bones, tomorrow all the injured crew members will have been taken care of.”

x–x

The flight in the shuttle was quiet, only interrupted by your coughing. You felt McCoy stare holes into your back as you sat at the piloting station, but he didn't say anything. After thirty minutes you landed gracefully on the slippery surface of the ice planet.

“Does this planet even have a name?”, you mumbled more to yourself than to anyone else.

“Yes. I believe it's called either 'Pain In The Ass' or 'Damn Monstrosity'.”

You snorted as you stepped out into the cold air, your breath turning immediately into a little cloud. “The captain said we should have enough time to collect some samples before we work our way towards the detonation zone of the atmospheric regulator. We reach the determined point of no return, which isn't actually a point and more of a time frame, in somewhat of 4 hours, if we then still are in the detonation zone, we won't make it back to the shuttle before the water rises too much. Got it?” They all nodded and the two officers started to collect some samples.

“So... And what are we both beautiful humans going to do?”

“Watch and wait, doctor. Watch and wait.”

“But that's no fun.”

“Away missions aren't always fun. You should know. What was that I read about once? An away mission gone south on a planet called Nibiru?”

“All missions that include the captain go south! Tell me about one that didn't end in a disaster!”

Moving around to look at him, you feel your feet getting wet and a little wave clashing against your ankle. Confused you lowered your gaze and your body went into shock. The water was rising and it was rising fast, way faster than the Enterprise had calculated. You should've had at least 3 more hours until the water rose so high. Your whole plan was useless now.

“Wha-”, the doctor began as the earth began to tremble.

“WATCH OUT!”, you screamed to the officers, but it was too late.

A big piece of ice, that was hanging slightly over the edge of a cliff, broke off and plummeted down onto Forster. Well, fortunately, not quite. The chunk brushed his arm and tore the uniform and the skin underneath. Blood started to ooze out of the wound and he let out a strangled scream.

“Damn it! I can't reach the Enterprise! The communicators aren't working and well... looks like our ride is dead too.”

You followed the doctor's glance and saw how the water picked up the shuttle and took it with it, the atmospheric regulator still inside. The water was now at your knees and was still rising steadily.

“We need to move! Now! The water is rising too fast and if we don't move, we won't only risk the possibility to drown but also to die of hypothermia! So come on! Forget the samples, this planet is going down a lot sooner than expected!”

While McCoy and McKellen steadied the injured Forster, you walked in front of them, searching for a clear and safe path through the uneven and rocky landscape. After a while you reach a higher plateau, that you deemed safe for the moment with a little cave in the background.

You pointed to the cave and coughed a little bit, holding your hand in front of your mouth. “We can rest here. I'll try to establish contact with the Enterprise. With our luck the water will catch up to us in no time.”

While Forster was heaved into the cave, you walked around with the comm in your hand, looking if the reception changed depending on your position. You stopped at the end of the plateau, watching how the sun slowly vanished behind the horizon and sighed. It was going to get even colder.

“Y/L/N-”, you could hear McCoy say somewhere behind you as you turned around, but he was cut of short, when the earth started to tremble again.

“Y/L/N!”, he screamed when he saw the problem before you did and started to run towards you. The cliff you were standing on, wasn't one. It was the same construct like the one that had hurt Forster just some minutes prior. You were standing on thin ice without any support from beneath.

Sliding over the doctor managed to grab one of your wrists after the ice broke away from under your feet. With an “Umpf!” your body collided against the hard ice wall, but you didn't fall. Desperately you tried to grab something with your free hand, to help support you, but the surface was too smooth and your hand couldn't find a place to stay. And then you saw something from the corner of your eyes.

“Leonard!”, you coughed. The fact that you had screamed his first name alarmed the doctor, you barely ever called him McCoy for that matter, he was always the doctor for you. He tried to heave you back up, but only managed to slide himself further to the edge of the plateau. It was too late anyway.

A monster, you couldn't call it anything else, jumped out of the cave Forster between his teeth and McKellen running screaming away from it. With a loud roar he threw the limp body of the operation officer onto the ground. It was black and looked like the mythical creature Cerberus, but with only one head.

“I THOUGHT THEY TOLD US THAT THERE WEREN'T ANY LIFE FORMS!”, the doctor panicked as he started to pull you up more forcefully.

“WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SENT ME TOO? TO PROTECT YOU FROM FREAKING PLANTS?!” The monster seemed to have heard you, since his focus shifted from McKellen to McCoy and he grunted angrily. Nervous you looked down and almost sighed in relief. It wasn't a big drop, only a few feet and as fate would have it, you wouldn't be dropping onto ice but into snow. “HOLD ON!”, you shouted and let you whole weight fall backwards, taking the doctor with you.

The seconds seemed like minutes before you land in the soft snow, the doctor falling onto you, pressing all air out of your lungs. You heard the creature roar some feet above you and saw it come to a halt where you just were hanging.

“WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?”

“I WAS TRYING TO SAVE YOU!”

“BY POSSIBLY HURTING YOURSELF?”

“THAT'S MY JOB!”, you shouted back at him, coughing into his face.

A scream let you both pause in your shouting match and as you both looked up, you saw the body of Forster being thrown into the ocean. What terrified you, was the fact that it wasn't Forster that screamed, it was McKellen. Just some seconds later the earth trembled again, but not because of an earthquake, but because the hideous creature decided to jump down to you both and land only a few feet away.

“RUN!” The moment Leonard lifted you up, you knew that the landing wasn't as smooth as you thought. Your side was hurting, most probably due to an injured or even broken rib, but the adrenaline rushing through your body was dimming the pain.

You were running, the short breaths of Leonard in your ear, the pain in your legs, the panic in your body. You were sliding over the ice, climbing over chunks of it and never daring to look back. Everything went by in a flash and in the end you blacked out.

x–x

A terrible coughing fit teared you out of your sleep and your body doubled over, trying to get as much air out as possible, without making it able for you to breath some in. A warm hand laid itself on the small of your back, as you didn't stop and even started to cough out a yellowish-green slime.

Your head began to turn and you turned red, suffering from the lack of oxygen. “Breathe Y/N, breathe”, a soothing voice said beside your ear, as the hand began to stroke gently over your back, trying to calm you down. “We're in safety Y/N. The creature fell into the sea, it's not going to hurt us anymore.”

“I.... I can't”, you said, still coughing and starting to panic as the fit didn't stop. “I can't breathe Leonard!” Your voice was weak and squeaky between the coughs. “It... it won't stop! Hel... help me!” You grabbed onto something, a warm material, as your body grew weak and your coughs louder and stronger, shaking your whole body.

“Here.” Leonard brushed your hair away and held a Hypo to your neck. “That should help open up your bronchi and make the air flow easier.” He massaged the spot where the Hypo was, after he injected you with the medicine. “Try to breath in and out, that's right. Breath in bigger, yes. I know you want to cough, but breath in until there isn't any space left for the air. Exactly! And now breath out! Good! You're doing good!”

Your panic subsided and your breath evened out and as the adrenaline left your body, you began to shake and tremble due to the cold and the pain you were in. Looking around you realized that Leonard had found the perfect spot. No caves, that were hiding monsters, no cliffs, that could break down, just an open plateau that was high above the water.

“Thank you for dragging me up here”, you muttered under your breath, snuggling unconsciously into him, searching for warmth.

“Oh no darlin', you made it up here yourself. You just broke down the minute we rested, but”, his hand wandered from your back up your neck and to your chin, forcing you to look at him, “What. The. Hell. Was. That?” His gaze turned dark and his other hand almost broke the hypo he was holding.

“Right? This monster... never seen anything like that. You think McKellen is alright? I mean, poor Forster, the monster just tore right throu-”, you babbled, trying to change the topic.

“Y/L/N.” His voice sounded like something, you never heard before. He was angry, you could hear that, he was really, really angry, but he was also amused and worried. His eyes burnt into yours. “Don't. Change. The. Subject. Did you know that this could happen?”

“Oh... well... y, yes? Maybe? I mean... yeah. But I didn't know to what extent”, you stuttered, teared your gaze from his face and leaned back onto the ice, hoping the cold would help your diminish your pain and trying to distance yourself a little bit from him.

“To what extent? You knew? Wha...”, his eyes searched yours for something and whatever it was, he didn't find it and this caused him to explode. “WOMAN! YOU JUST HAD A FULL BLOWN REVERSED ASTHMA ATTACK! WITHOUT THE HYPO YOU COULD HAVE HAD MORE PROBLEMS DUE TO THE LACK OF OXYGEN!”

“I know!”, you coughed, your throat and lungs still sore, “I know! It was wrong but I thought since you had seen my history in my files and didn't say anything, that it wasn't as bad as my old doctor tried to tell me. You're way stricter than him.”

His angry face turned into a confused one. “Your history?”

“Yeah? The reason I was transferred to the Enterprise?”

You turned your head and looked at him. His hair was disheveled, his face full of cuts and your realized that he was still breathing heavy from his outburst. He obviously didn't know what you were talking about.

Looking up to the sky again, you began. “A year and a half ago I got pneumonia, but I never went to the doctor, because I was stubborn enough to convince myself that it was only virus, which it actually was in the beginning. Well, after two weeks of staying at home, throwing everything I ate up again, losing a drastic amount of weight and not being able to sleep due to my cough, my friend dragged me to the doctor. And, oh! I had pneumonia. I was lucky, at least that what they told me then, if I had come in only a few days later, I could have had some serious and long-term problems. They gave me antibiotics and a week later I was fine, so they thought. Turns out my lungs got attacked so badly, that I managed to develop a rather nasty and uncommon type of asthma. There are some particles in the air which I shouldn't breath in or I may end up like this. Which is why I was transferred from Earth to a Spaceship, since those particles don't exist or should at least not exist in space, so they said.”

You felt him taking your pulse and counting your heartbeats. “Your files don't seem to be updated yet. I can't remember having read something along those lines, or I would have kept you in the med bay until the particles left your body, to prevent this kind of attack.”

“How could you have known? I don't even know what provoked all of this.”

“Stress, over exhaustion, inhaling a massive amount of the gas on the Enterprise.”

You groaned. “Of course.” Water clashing against ice walls could be heard and when you heaved yourself into an upright position, you could even see the first signs of the rising water. “Great. How are we going to get back onto the Enterprise now? We don't have our operations officer, we don't have the regulator and we're still sitting on a ticking time bomb. I don't think you were successful in trying to contact them?”

Leonard shook his head. “No, I sadly wasn't. We don't have any communicators anymore darlin', we both lost ours during the chase.”

“Well then, you're lucky the knight in shining armor just appeared! Be happy that Scotty is a genius“, a new voice said and when you looked up, you saw the captain with his arm around the shoulder of McKellen, in his hands an apparently functioning communicator. „Enterprise, I found them. Four to beam up.“

You never liked to beam, but this time the golden flicker let a warm feeling rise into your body and you exhaled happily as you found yourself in the now working transporter room. But the smile didn't stay long on your face, as everything started to spin and you almost collapsed to the floor, only to have a certain doctor catching you before the impact.

“Next time the captain decides to send you on an away mission, you tell me if you have any possible freaking disease!“

With closed eyes, you just smiled and murmured: „Tell Scotty first he needs to stop trying to destroy the Enterprise. Then maybe you'll have time to listen to me.“

#star trek imagine #star trek imagines #star trek #star trek fanfiction #reader insert #leonard mccoy imagine #leonard mccoy x reader #leonard mccoy #leonard bones mccoy #star trek one shot #carowrote

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