#5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

#before i maybe get yelled at: #1) no i do not think ppl are evil for having men dnis no i do not think these are all equal transgressions even #though there is an overlap that should be examined that i think is based in a degree of lesbian separatism + exclusionism #2) yes there are lesbian blogs and people that are cool about genderfucky people. i'm not talking about them #3) this is a stylized vent post about trying to find lesbian content on tumblr that isn't like this. all these dnis/rules are ones i have #encountered. no i do not literally tell these people to change their dnis to suit me. the conversations are symbolic and ideological in #nature. if i find a blog with men dni i generally go somewhere else. it's about emotions. it's about my feelings on that it's not literally #about dming someone demanding they change things. it's not about demanding that You change things or else you're a bad person. #4) it is about the conflicts and hypocrisy and inconsistency of strict and exclusive sexuality labels persisting in gender-diverse spaces #and how it affects me as a lesbian who is a man who is a woman who is fucking whatever else. and yes it is about transphobia too. #5) it's about how lesbians feel the need to exclude men and how i think efforts to do so fail and hurt ppl and are often misguided #tht i think also comes up in like. bi lesbian/mspec lesbian/gaybian discourse. i'm not any of those myself but it seems like there's overla #6) if this post seems whiny and sad and insecure that's because it probably is. i have a right to be all of those things. #7) no i do not think all lesbians are man-hating assholes. i am a lesbian. i love lesbians. i love dykes and most of them are fantastic ppl #i just think the general bullshit of the world leads to this defensive thing that ends up hurting others in our community y'know? #8) i get that my perspective/experience is a bit unusual and many lovely ppl haven't considered it. that's part of why i'm sharing this #nyarla dni #<- sorry man it's too vulnerable. gonna keep this one to the internet-only folks

[cedarkiller]

There's a big and frankly stupid debate about trans women in sports and how we're supposedly predisposed to win in sports. I'll talk personal experiences rather than some big research. Not that people that hate trans women care for what we say, but I digress.

Prior to being on HRT, my body had a far higher nmol of t than actual cis men. It hovered between 230 and was almost above 250. The dysphoria I felt from that was awful. I was aware that at some point I had the crazy ability to just repeat a physical exercise a bunch and get muscular rapidly. I always avoided arm exercises yet I could lift up fairly heavy things. After starting estrogen, I noticed that I got weaker. After I started taking t blockers, it became significantly more apparent. Groceries of 5-10 kg that became easier to carry around now feel like me trying to carry them in my preteens to early puberty time.

None of this is to say cis women are weaker. Since our bodies are not absolutes and some cis men have lower t and some cis women higher t. But, trans women are likely to be taking some form of t blockers if transitioning. And this does affect our physical strength a lot.

The sports discourse is a fascinating intellectual tool used by actual sexists. It isn't necessarily just transmysogynist in its structure. The core argument made is that women are more physically weak than men. Therefore women need intervention so that they're protected from the physically superior men. It asserts that a patriarchal hierarchy is natural and actually beneficial to women. And I feel like it's this logical tool which tricks people into assuming this is to their benefit. We're nothing but a tool for actual cis men to assert themselves and gain power. So people that use the label feminist yet defend these actions aren't all that feministic. It reminds me of how many issues second wave feminism had in the US due to excluding non white women and lesbians. This isn't real feminism in this case. It gives acknowledgement that men are indeed superior and all feminism amounts to is an idea to beg and seek approval of spaces that men decided for women.

But all I hear is how we, trans women, dominate women's sports. Most of us can't even lift a bag of groceries well, let alone dream of doing this. The other rhetorical reasoning behind this is to belittle and attack our femininity as trans people. Our womanhood is denied while we're also called failed males. And ya know, this rhetorical idea was used by white feminists in the past to deny non-white women too. You're not the defender of women you think you are, if you're not seeking genuine liberation from this garbage gendered system.

But what do I know. I'm just the supposed weak "man" that's also somehow super powerful and superior to cis women. I'm also supposedly having a super imposing male privilege because everything I say is heard and enforced over cis women while people debate my literal right to pee in a public restroom.

Do I feel privileged and mighty? No. And I certainly doubt I can overpower cis women. And to be quite honest, I don't understand why I'm supposed to. I've never understood why men have this idea of domination and aggression. That should hint to you that I'm not a man.

Trans rights. Women's rights. The ghouls that enforce all this suffering can go to hell.

#trans #transgender #transblr #transphobia #transfobia #feminism #tw transphobia #trans sports #women in sports #my rambles #seriously stop enforcing our hell patriarchal system to harm us trans folk

[progmanx]

Hi. I also love your fic very much. Please write more ๑(◕‿◕)๑ In response to that earlier ask about Nicole's sexuality, and I very much want to stress that I am not intending to actually argue or anything like that, I think the game kind of implies, intentionally or not, that Nicole just doesn't really think about men like that and didn't before the start of the game, either. She very noticeably excludes herself from the people that care about Zac Efron supposedly being gay, for example, and says she's never liked any guy enough to call him her boyfriend, which really clashes with her openly calling girls hot and very clearly being attracted to both a bunch of the girls and also Principal Lynn and wanting to be in (albeit abusive) relationships with girls. That's not to say that your reasoning doesn't make sense, of course. For what it's worth, what you wrote in regards to Nicole's general thoughts really resonated with my experience as a distinctly unaware and the deeply in denial Lesbian back in high school, and I was also kind of surprised to learn that you weren't directly going for that purely because of how well you captured that feeling. (Also I saw that you just upped the chapter count to 6 so I am currently chewing on my arm and shaking the bars of my enclosure)

THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

It was gonna be 5 chapters, but, uh, 24k for a finale, with that much to chew on, way too much for any person to process, yeah. Need to split that.

I don't really want to get more into the weeds with this. Well. That's a lie. I love doing that. It's fun! And, yeah, nah, it doesn't read at all like you're trying to argue or anything, I totally get it. It's all good!

Personal experiences are going to greatly influence what we get out of media, and yours clearly did in a meaningful way, and that's awesome. Mine did as well, just in a different way. And probably not in the way you're thinking, lmao.

Nicole is supposed to still read as Nicole, sound like Nicole, be Nicole, first and second and fiftieth priority, regardless of whatever's going on behind the curtain on my end.

If she doesn't, then yours truly has whiffed it BIG. Because the story doesn't work if she isn't Nicole anymore. Which sounds really basic and obvious but, well, it's still true.

Like, she's not gonna suddenly realize at the end of the fic "oh I might maybe sometimes like guys" because that would be so WILDLY OOC for her that I think whoever is standing next to her might ask if she's been brainwashed or something.

The far more important thing to recognize, I think, is that despite 'what I was going for' not lining up with what you thought I was 'doing', it still resonated with you and reminded you of the stuff you went through, and how you felt about all of that.

If you and the anon were both, for the sake of simplicity, similarly surprised by seeing that in the comments section, as the actual writing in the text does not seem to imply nor suggest anything nearly that concrete, well...

That is extremely deliberate. Like I said, Nicole is Nicole. All other elements are tertiary and, in all honesty, all but irrelevant.

I also said, iirc, in that same comment that I personally am not someone who finds labels to be the most helpful, as so much of all of this, in my experience, is so hyper-dependent on the person standing next to you. I know how important they are to others, and if they help you feel more comfortable in your own skin, hey, that's awesome!

For me, for nearly every character and story I write, with very few exceptions where it is narratively or thematically relevant (or just, like, part of their fundamental character construction like Kate Kane aka Batwoman being a lesbian under DADT, or part of the pre-existing story like Korra and Asami Sato being bi), I just write the characters as who they are and let whatever potential audience I may or may not have sort it out.

That is to say: no one is ever straight, and 90% are bi/pan, because if I do my job right, and just write the people as they are, nobody will ever even know something is 'different' since sometimes it's just not the central focal point of a character.

With Nicole, you can absolutely make the case that, yeah, this is an example where it really would be. She's seventeen, all of this other shit is swirling around---I get it, I really do. I'm not even trying to say I'm right, because I don't think I am lmao.

This just what made the most sense to me, internally, behind the curtain, deep into a google doc nearing 250 pages and 85k words (it was supposed to be 30k and 3 chapters) over the course of 34 days.

I just approached this from a different angle, one that is more focused on depression and anxiety and PTSD, than necessarily sexuality. Not to discount that approach, far from it, but for the story I wanted to tell, hammering home in explicit terms that Nicole is Gayest Gay Who Ever Gayed felt like it would be somewhat distracting from what I'm going for.

Hopefully that elaborated, and thank you so much for reading, and for being so cool about reaching out! :D

[redheadbigshoes]

Another way I think the"lesbian = terf" thing is damaging is that it makes lesbians that are not attracted to or uncomfortable around penises feel excluded from a lot of places.

It's possible that it's changed because I haven't frequented them recently, but I was driven away from the lesbian subreddits for this reason. It felt like they were so afraid of being accused of being TERF spaces that they felt the need to over compensate with frequent posts about non- wlw trans stuff, and comments on most posts on any topic would be filled with ppl saying how much they loved trans women and "girl dick". No matter how relevant or irrelevant it was.

The general trans posts were the most irritating, because there are plenty of trans and general LGBTQ+ subreddits where they would be more appropriate! I understand the need for solidarity, but I feel like the more general spaces are enough for that? Again my big problem wasn't posts about both trans and sapphic things, just the posts that had nothing to do with anything sapphic. It's just weird when you're scrolling through a lesbian subreddit and there's more posts about trans things than lesbian things.

I guess the comments didn't exactly bother me, now that I think about it more. It's more that it was just really odd that those communities felt the need to constantly affirm how supportive they are of trans people. Because you can scroll through mlm subreddits and you definitely won't see anything similar with them talking about trans men..

I hope this doesn't come across wrong. I know I did stray from the topic I was aiming for when I started typing this ask. For the record I do 100% believe that trans women are women and do belong in sapphic spaces if that's how they identify! I just don't believe lesbians should feel the need to say something about trans rights and wanting to date a trans girl every 5 seconds to avoid being called TERFs, or have someone jumping down their throat with "you forgot trans girls!" if they say they like vaginas, or that they don't like penises.

Yeah I agree with you. Some people have trauma with certain genitalia, some people are simply not attracted to certain genitalia. It doesn’t mean you’re not attracted to trans people, just that you’re not comfortable/attracted to the ones that have a penis.

Even though I personally wouldn’t mind dating someone with a penis it doesn’t mean every other lesbian does the same.

And yeah I often see gays talking about not being attracted to trans men (sometimes not because of genitalia, but because of transphobia) and the way people attack lesbians way more than them just shows the double standards they have and how misogynistic they are.

And I also agree with you about the last part. Non-lesbians need lesbians to constantly prove they’re not terfs (and even if you do that you’re probably still gonna be called a terf), and that doesn’t really happen when it comes to other identities. And I feel like when it comes to straight women, straight men and gays people don’t do the same if they talk about how they only like [insert genitalia], but when it comes to lesbians… I do understand some people exclude certain genitalia because of transphobia (probably because they don’t see, for example, trans women that have a penis as women), but a lot of people simply don’t like it or are not comfortable with it.

#stephanie answers #anon #long post

[menalez]

I agree with anti suicide as man-hating is intrinsic to feminism because anger is a natural reaction to your oppression. This emotion is the driving force behind any social justice movement, without it, there would be no motive. So I think its natural for some of these women to get offended by that take because the trauma and consequent anger theyve suffered as a result of patriarchy were guiding forces to awakening to misogyny and accepting radical feminism in their lives. At the end of the day, you can love women as a class, but you do not need to love a woman to fight for her rights. What was that about feminism being for even the most vile woman? Many of these women have had shitty female relatives and friends that they might despise, but their hatred and anger of men and their male supremacy is their driving force to be passionate feminists. Also, i dont understand that ask that said it must be OSA women disagreeing with you— wouldnt OSA actually agree since theyd be the ones more likely to center males in their lives? Wouldnt they be more inclined to say that “man-hating” shouldn’t be the root of feminism? That didnt make much sense to me. Women often talk about their hatred of men because its unacceptable to do so in other spaces. Radical feminism is meant to be a space in which we can vent our frustrations with male supremacy. As for your comment about women who both hate men and women— well, those women arent feminists then. Theyre excluded from radical feminism by virtue of being misogynists so it wouldnt render your argument null. I hope this makes sense. Im trying to be civil

i addressed everything u said in other reblogs and posts but

1. didn’t say anything against man-hating. im literally a man-hater. i just don’t think the basis of one’s feminism being hating men is gonna work. loving women should always come first when it comes to fighting for the rights of women

2. said nothing against having emotions. loving women is an emotion, and it’s a motivating one. didn’t say anything against hating men, once again it just shouldn’t be the root of one’s feminism. nothing wrong with it as a secondary aspect of ur feminism but when it’s all about hating men and women come second then how is that even feminism anymore

3. it honestly feels like a slap in the face how many OSA women saw that im a lesbian and then used that to act like i haven’t been abused, raped, harassed, and oppressed by men. once again, ive said nothing against hating men nor against being angry at ur oppressors and it’s honestly offensive talking to a woman w PTSD as if she doesn’t understand that trauma first hand

4. i literally meant loving women as a class… no one can say there isn’t a single woman they dislike. im constantly talking about my ex and how she abused me like it’s not like im expecting anyone to love every woman otherwise they can’t support women’s rights. but how are you gonna fight for the rights of women when u don’t love women as a class? if u don’t centre that love for women in ur activism for them?

5. u don’t understand that ask saying OSA women are the one disagreeing with me because you didn’t check and see they are in fact OSA women who are angry with me because they were recently hurt by a man and assumed i was saying they aren’t allowed to be angry at men. nowhere did i not all men or justify men or say it’s not ok to hate them.

6. “well those women aren’t feminists then” you guys really can’t read because i literally said that hating men does not a feminist make and a true feminist is centring women and loving women before anything to do with men. that’s it. and after someone repeatedly making it clear her issue is with lesbians and “ssa radfems” and using that as her basis for attacking me, the same exact person u said u agree with here, maybe don’t try to tell me this has nothing to do with homophobia and being OSA

[pastelvampyre]

okay okay okay. so.

you actually want to support trans people with more than just your words? you actually want to help us feel comfortable? you’re willing to commit to that?

i’ve got some advice for you. some places to start.

(a note: i am a gay trans man, so most of this will be things from my experiences. some may be applicable to other orientations as well, feel free to add on if you’re trans!)

1. don’t expect every trans person to “out” themselves to you 

trans people are not obligated to tell you that they’re trans at any point in their lives. this includes trans friends, trans acquaintances, and trans colleagues. often, that’s not your information to know, and it’s not your information to ask for either.

If you learn that someone is trans, treat that information as a secret unless they have explicitly told you otherwise. This goes double if they’re stealth. this isn’t your information to share to anyone else.

2. accept our pronouns and our identities without question, regardless of appearance, transition status, background, or interests 

if someone asks you to use a set of pronouns for them, or a different name (or ANY name), don’t argue with them about it if the name or pronouns don’t “match” your perception of what a person with that name or pronouns should look like.

someone being pre- or never-hormones, having interests that correspond with their birth gender, enjoying certain types of clothes that are typically associated with their birth gender, or being ok with being labelled in the past as their birth gender, are also never reasons to refuse to use someone’s correct name or pronouns.

3. don’t try and police nonbinary peoples’ perception and presentation of their genders and their orientations 

nonbinary peoples’ relationships with gender and orientation are complex. some nonbinary people don’t want to be associated with any binary gender, and some are completely fine with it, and some are ok with it but only in certain contexts. someone can identify as nonbinary but also be gay. or a lesbian.

nonbinary people can dress in any sort of way, and they can use any set of pronouns they want, even if they’re choosing to associate themselves with a label that is typically reserved for binary people.

stop telling nonbinary people what they can and can’t do. you are not the expert.

EXAMPLE: I am transmasc and nonbinary. i use both he and they pronouns. I also identify as a gay man, and I find myself attracted to cis men, binary trans men, as well as male-leaning NB people. using the label of “gay” for myself encompasses all of that. it’s not your job to tell me that I should be using another label to describe my attraction, or that I should be uncomfortable calling myself “gay” because I am also nonbinary.

4. accept it when a trans person tells you that something is transphobic instead of fighting with them. spread that information too (but be wary of speaking over us) 

if a trans person tells you that something is transphobic, don’t argue with them. trans people are the experts on things that are transphobic, not cis people.

try not to get upset when someone tells you that something you said or did is transphobic. this includes guilt tripping, gaslighting, other emotional abuse tactics, claiming that you’re the victim, and saying things like “I have trans friends who are fine with it!” you’re not helping your case. try and listen as respectfully as you can.

EXAMPLE: if I, a trans person, tell you that [x thing] is transphobic, and you respond with “I can’t be transphobic, I have trans friends!” or “oh well now I’m the bad guy” or “no way, I’d never be transphobic”, that’s not good. your only response should be “oh, I’m sorry. how can I improve?”

5. don’t expect us to constantly be educating you on trans issues 

surprise surprise, trans people have lives too! sometimes we want to think about things other than being trans! and expecting us to constantly provide emotional labour to you and constantly be your educators is exhausting. trans people (including your trans friends) don’t exist solely to educate you, and expecting us to constantly be ready to debate or explain is unfair.

6. think critically about what types of ideas and phrases might be accidentally transphobic 

When you’re sharing information or talking about things common to the gay community, stop and reflect on whether it could be accidentally exclusionary to trans people. if you’ve said or done something that could fall under this category, apologize and avoid it in the future.

EXAMPLE: it’s a very common thing to state that being gay means there’s no risk of accidental pregnancies (especially when talking about the “benefits” of being gay). as a gay trans man who still has the capacity to get accidentally pregnant, this makes me uncomfortable. these types of statements unconsciously exclude trans people from certain communities.  

7. don’t assume that your friends are trans-inclusive, even if they claim to be 

someone can claim that they’re trans-inclusive, parrot the most basic of trans-inclusive statements, and then continue to spout transphobic rhetoric uncritically. a person claiming to be trans-inclusive doesn’t automatically mean that they are actually using their words and actions to prove it.

if you want to be around trans-inclusive cis people, you need to look past them claiming that they’re trans-inclusive. what do their words and actions indicate?

EXAMPLE: a person can say that they are trans-inclusive and say that gay trans men are men. however, if they’re also claiming that being a gay man is equal to attraction to penises, and that no gay man would ever want to touch a vagina, they are spouting transphobic rhetoric.

(another note: people are allowed to have preferences. people are allowed to prefer certain types of genitalia. however, making generalizations about a group of people based on your own personal experiences is when you cross the line to being transphobic)

8. call out people who do any of the above things. don’t leave all the work to us 

don’t expect trans people to be the only ones calling out transphobia! it’s a lot of work on our shoulders if cis people aren’t going to help us. work with us to dismantle transphobia.

#text #trans tag #the dragon master speaks #transphobia / #1k

[moon-light-jukebox]

You’re not my type [Hotch x Reader]

Summary: Reader is the new press liaison to the elite Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI. A stray comment from her leads to a lot of questions from her teammates, especially her unit chief, Aaron Hotchner. When they’re thrown together on a case that hits close to home for Reader, will that comment tear them apart? Or will it bring them closer together?

Pairing: Aaron Hotchner / (Female) Reader

Rating: Mature

Category: Angst then smut, with plenty of fluff sprinkled throughout.

Word Count: 8.4k

Content Warning: This gets pretty angst heavy in places. The team is chasing an Unsub that’s a serial r*pist/mu*derer. Mentions of an attempted a*sault to someone Reader cares about. Providing comfort to victims of the unsub. It’s dark in places, but if you can stick with me, I promise I will mend the angst and take you to the land of smut and fluff. Because there is plenty of smut.

A/n: Have you ever had a story that just grabbed hold of you and refused to let go? This story was supposed to be half this length and pure fluff. Reader and Hotch dug their claws into me and made me tell their own story. I’m not mad at it, and if you give it a chance, I hope you love it as much as I do. masterlist

y/n = your name. y/l/n = your last name. italicized text = reader’s thoughts

--“You’re not my type” --

The clock was moving so slowly, I couldn't help but think it was moving backward.

Come on, hurry up. I wanna go home.

I sighed, resigning myself to the fact that it was going to be 4:30 pm for the rest of my life. I still had some files to hand out to the team; I usually do that part of my very glamorous job in the mornings, but since I had nothing but time now, I thought why not.

I had been a “sort of” member of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit for 5 months. Jennifer- wait, JJ, had the job as media liaison before me; she was the last person to officially hold the position. When she left the unit chief of the BAU, Aaron Hotchner, and the technical analyst, Penelope Garcia, had split the roll. That is until Chief Strauss had decided that she wanted the BAU to run more efficiently. Meaning that Hotch got less paperwork, Garcia got a break from talking about mutilated bodies, and I got shuffled around from the public relations office.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed working with the team, I really did, but I couldn't help but feel excluded sometimes. They're all practically a family. I didn't really have any sort of family anymore, just a best friend that has always felt more like a sister.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I made my way towards the bullpen, shoving the doors open to see the team sitting on various desks talking to each other. Loudly.

“Shut UP, man!” Derek Morgan’s voice was loud, but amusement was clear on his face. Actually, everyone seemed sort of amused. Rossi and Hotch were leaning on the railing near their respective offices, watching the events unfold with smiles on their faces.

Hotch smiles? Huh. Weird.

I quickly tried to make my way around them, hoping none of them would notice me.

“Okay, I know how we can settle this. Y/n!” Shit. No such luck. I turned to look at Emily Prentiss, with her long dark hair and angular face. Why is everybody here so fucking pretty?

I cleared my throat, trying to compose my face. “Yes?”

“Answer something for us.” Everyone seemed very eager for me to be a part of this now, which I didn’t think was a good sign.

“I’ll do my best.”

She smiled at me like she was sensing her victory. "If Morgan asked you on a date, what would you say?"

Oh, they couldn’t have picked a worse person to play this game.

I chuckled awkwardly, trying to appear calm. “Um…I’d probably say no.” Morgan took a dramatically loud breath before slapping his hand to his chest. “No offense,” I quickly added.

Morgan wasn’t giving up his dramatics that easily. “Damn, girl! You’re gonna cut me down just like that?”

“I’m sorry,” I said with an awkward laugh. “You’re just not my type.”

Garcia’s eyebrows hit her hairline. “Excuse me? He’s not your type? Tall, dark, and extremely well-muscled isn’t your type?” She scoffed like I was insane; I mean, maybe I was. Jury’s out.  “What about that is unappealing to you?”

I couldn’t think of a believable lie, so I went with the truth. “The tall and extremely well-muscled part.” I shifted from foot to foot anxiously.

Emily blinked. “O-okay. Fair enough,” she laughed, looking at me like she’d never seen me before.

I was preparing to turn and make a very quick escape, but JJ had other plans. "Woah, woah, woah," the blonde hopped off the desk, walking a bit closer to me. "If Morgan isn't your type…who is?"

Fuck me running. “Um…” I trailed off. “I don’t think I really have a type, to be honest.”

"Do you like men," Morgan chimed in. "No judgment, little mama."

Not for the first time, I wished I was a lesbian. “I am sadly mostly heterosexual.” I was convinced no one could be completely heterosexual, it just didn’t seem natural.

Emily chuckled at that. “Okay then,” her hand moved up to adjust her dark bangs, something she did when she was thinking. “What if Hotch asked you out?”

“Okay, okay, don’t drag me into this,” the Unit Chef boomed out, much to Rossi’s amusement.

“…Um.” Why couldn’t I just die? “Sorry, boss, but no.”

Morgan crossed his arms over his chest. “Is Hotch also too tall and well-muscled.”

“Probably,” I answered without much thought. “I can’t comment on the state of his muscles. But he’s very…big. And he intimidates me.” I didn’t let my eyes stray to my boss; I simply couldn’t.

"Ah-ha. There it is!" Morgan slapped his hands together like he had solved some big puzzle. "You don't like men that intimidate you. So, if pretty boy over here asked you out, you'd say yes."

I didn't know a person's ears could blush until that moment when my eyes drifted over to Dr. Spencer Reid. The tips of his ears were bright pink and he was looking anywhere but at me.

I answered honestly again, I figured they’d know if I lied. Fucking profilers. “Yeah, I would say yes. But only if I didn’t know him.” Spencer’s eyes finally shifted over towards me. “You’re easily one of the most brilliant people in the world. You’d be bored to tears on a date with me,” I said, my gaze meeting his wide eyes.

The boy genius’s head tilted ever so slightly to the side, his lips moving like he muttered something under his breath.

Is it 5 yet?

JJ wasn’t totally prepared to let this go, because she asked, “Okay, so a yes to Spence, a no to Hotch and Morgan.” She tapped her chin with her index finger. “What about Will? You’ve met my husband, right?”

I had indeed met her husband with his Princess and The Frog accent. I couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah, I met him the other day when he brought your son by. And…I don’t know, maybe him. He doesn’t give off an air of intimidation.” Which was the nicest way I could say ‘your husband doesn’t scare the shit out of me.’

I glanced down at my watch, seeing it was finally 4:55 pm. “Sorry guys, I need to get these files out before I go home.” With an overly bright smile, I darted away as fast as my uncomfortable shoes would let me.

My final stop was Hotch’s office, and I was so relieved that he wasn’t in it for once. I placed the file on his desk, looking at the pictures of a little boy, his son, I assumed, on his desk.

“I’m sorry if that made you uncomfortable.”

I'm not sure what I was more embarrassed by, the tiny yelp that escaped my lips or how I smacked my hand over my chest in such a dramatic fashion that I could have given Derek Morgan a run for his money. "Jesus fucking Christ, Hotch! You scared the shit out of me!"

His lips twitched in poorly concealed amusement, either at my reaction or my swearing at him. “Sorry, y/n. I didn’t know I needed to knock before I entered my office. I’ll try to do better next time.”

Oh, this guy has jokes now too.

I couldn’t help but chuckle at his dry humor. “I’m sorry. I startle easily. I didn’t mean to swear at you.”

“Y/n, I’ve been with the bureau for almost 20 years. Trust me, I’ve heard worse.”

I bet he has.

“Well,” I cleared my throat awkwardly. “Alright then. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, sir.”

“Of course,” he stepped out of the doorway so I could exit. “Y/n?” He said it like it was an afterthought. “Do you really find me intimidating?”

My eyes were wide as I looked all the way up at him. Really, what was the point in being that tall? "Oh, absolutely, sir." Then I hurried out the door, not wanting to see his reaction or lack thereof.

--

After stopping by my office, I was waiting for the elevator when I felt someone behind me; turning I saw the pretty boy himself standing awkwardly off to my side. I offered him a small smile before shifting my attention back to the bank of elevators in front of me.

The middle one opened first, Spencer waved me in first before he entered and hit the button for the ground floor.

He was clearly working up his nerves to say something, you didn’t have to be a profiler to see that. “Hey, um, y/n?” I turned my head in his direction, waiting for him to continue. “What you said back there…that you’d go on a date with me if I asked, did you mean that?”

There was that blush again, he really was adorable. “Of course, I meant it, Spencer.” He didn’t look convinced. “I mean, why would I lie? I turned Morgan down right away. And Hotch, who is my boss.”

Spencer let out a small laugh at that, unable to argue against my point. “I guess that’s true.” The elevator doors opened, he waved me out first, again, before exiting himself. “Do you really think that I’d be bored on a date with you?”

"I mean, you have 3 Ph.D.'s and a super high IQ." I waved my free hand around, gesturing to myself like it would help me prove my point. "And look at me. I'm smart, but I'm not that smart. I couldn't put you through a date like that."

He didn’t seem to appreciate my self-deprecating humor. I headed for the doors without giving him a chance to respond. “Have a good night, Dr. Reid!” I offered a small wave before I all but sprinted out the doors towards the parking garage.

Why? Just why?

--

“We have to catch him before this turns into a spree,” Hotch’s voice was grave, his face the same stern mask it always was. “Wheels up in 30.”

Taking that as a dismissal, the team rose from the table, hurrying towards their respective desks to get their go-bags. That was the part of this job that took the longest to get used to. I never traveled much in public relations; now I'm on a plane several times a week. That in itself wouldn't be so bad…if I didn't still get terrible motion sickness. I don’t know why I hadn’t gotten used to it yet, but I had to keep some non-drowsy motion sickness pills in my go-bag at all times. I tried to take them before I boarded the jet; it was probably silly, but I didn’t really want the team to know. They were all superheroes in my eyes; superheroes don’t get motion sickness.

I was the last one to board the jet today. I was usually one of the first onboard, but I got held up on my way here speaking to someone from my old office. When I came through the plane's doors there rest of the team was spread out. Dr. Reid was laying on the couch, book propped open in his lap. Emily and JJ were on one side of the table with Morgan and Rossi on the other. The only seats available were towards the back of the plane; I could have sat by myself…or I could sit in the seat across from Hotch.

I always get anxiety about things other people find silly. I’m a grown woman, I should be more confident; I’m a fucking FBI agent for god’s sake. Yet here I was, nervously trying to decide where to sit. It would be weird to not sit near him, I reasoned. Offering Hotch a tight smile before I stored my go-bag, I sat down across the aisle from him.

I fastened my seatbelt over my lap, taking deep breaths through my nose. I had taken my medicine, but take off always got me a little bit, no matter what. I never took a window seat either, sometimes I’d look out and see how fast the world was passing by underneath us and…I shuddered just thinking about it.

"Hey," the voice beside me called, his voice was so quiet I don't think any of the others could hear it. I opened my eyes and turned to face him. His dark eyes looked oddly soft like he was concerned about me. "Are you alright?"

I offered him a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m okay, Hotch.”

"Did you take your medicine?" At my puzzled expression, he clarified. "For motion sickness."

What in the- “How did you know I get motion sickness?”

The corners of his mouth quirked up. “I’m a profiler, y/n, and I’ve been one for a long time.”

A little chuckle left my lips at that, right as the plane started moving forward, gaining speed for takeoff. I closed my eyes, telling myself that it was the impending take off that was causing my stomach to flutter, not the fact that my boss, who I thought was always indifferent to me, noticed me more than I thought he did.

--

Cases with kids were the hardest, there was no question about it. For me, the second hardest cases were women who were assaulted. It filled my gut with such a heavy, boiling rage whenever I thought about it. These women were just living their lives, unaware of the danger that was hunting them. Some fucking monster decided that being a man in our society didn’t offer him enough power; he had to hurt women, try to take their power so that he could feel more powerful.

I had heard stories about Elle Greenaway, the agent that resigned under suspicion that she shot a rapist in cold blood. I never commented on it, but I can’t say as I blame her. That attitude is probably why I don’t comment on it, I thought dryly.

The unsub the team was hunting in Northern Texas was a serial rapist and murderer. He had claimed 3 victims in the past 2 weeks; the locals were concerned that his pattern and level of violence were escalating too rapidly. The BAU agreed.

They started piecing this monster together through the clues he left behind. A white male, mid 30's, has a high-power job, won't be able to have stable relationships with women. They were tracking his comfort zone, interviewing families, and canvassing for information.

My job was to warn the women of this small town that there was a monster lurking in the shadows.

The team was sitting around in a small room in the center of the police station that was crammed with evidence boards. Emily was leaned back in her chair, JJ's head resting on her shoulder. Dr. Reid was facing the map of the county like if he stared at it long enough and answer would just pop into his head. Morgan's head was in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. Rossi and Hotch were talking in the corner, glancing around the room every so often.

Eventually, our leader cleared his throat. "Okay, lets head back to the hotel." At the groans of a few team members, he pressed on. "I know, I want to find this guy too. But we all need rest. We'll come back tomorrow with fresh eyes."

With that, we all headed to the black SUVs parked outside, ready to head to whatever hotel the bureau put us in for the night. The drive was quick, we all stood in the lobby while Hotch spoke to whoever was at the front desk. The conversation seemed to take longer than I needed to.

He walked back over, looking mildly uncomfortable. “There aren’t enough open rooms,” he said at last. “We’ll have to double up.” He held out his hand which contained 3 key cards.

…Wait a minute. “There are 7 of us.”

Hotch nodded. “Therein lies the problem. One room will have to have 3 people.”

I turned towards Emily and JJ, assuming I’d just room with them when Rossi interrupted. “No offense, guys. But…I’m old,” he laughed, his whole face lighting up. “I need my beauty sleep. I’m not sharing a room. I’ll go get my own.”

"They don't have any rooms, Dave."

Rossi looked at Hotch with a patronizing little smile that would have been extremely offensive coming from anyone else. “They don’t have any rooms for you," he clarified. "Not only am I old, but I'm also rich."

Sure enough, he walked over to the desk and spoke to the clerk for less than a minute before he was handed a keycard.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Morgan said with a laugh.

Rossi turned to us then, his eyes filled with poorly hidden mirth. “Sogni d’oro!” And with that, he walked towards the elevators.

“Huh?” JJ asked, her voice scratchy.

“Sweet dreams,” Reid and Prentiss supplied at the same time.

“Right.” Morgan shook his head. “Come on pretty Ricky.”

It hit me right then. Oh hell.

Hotch seemed to realize it at the same time Prentiss did. “Y/n, you room with JJ, I’ll stay with Hotch.”

Somehow this was more embarrassing than the conversation in the bullpen. “No,” I said quickly. “No, you guys go. I’ll room with Hotch.” I put a smile on my face, hoping I was convincing.

“Y/l/n, you just said that I intimidated you.”

Again, why couldn’t the earth just swallow me up? My laugh was forced, but hopefully, they hadn't heard my real laugh enough to know the difference. "Intimidated to go on a date with, Hotch. This isn't like that." Right? “C’mon! I’m sleepy.”

With that display of false bravado, I grabbed a key and made my way towards the elevators. I felt his presence behind me as we walked down the hall towards our rooms. I tried to control my heartbeat, calm my breathing the closer we got to the room. This is ridiculous, y/n. I had shared a room with Morgan before, no problem. I was comfortable around the team, I really was. Not for the first time, I wish I had the sense to not open my big mouth.

I reached for the door right when Hotch cleared his throat; I busied myself with getting into the room, ignoring him. Was it cowardly? Yes. Did I care? Not at that moment.

Until I walked into the room…and saw that there was one bed. Oh, you have to be fucking kidding me. “What is this, a rom-com?” I apparently didn’t mumble that part as quietly as I thought I had given the soft laugh I heard come from the man behind me.

“Y/n,” he said, his hand coming to my shoulder. “I didn’t realize there would only be one bed. Come on, let’s go down to Prentiss and JJ’s room.”

I let out a groan. “Hoooootch,” I whined. “All of this is just making me more embarrassed. This wouldn’t even be an issue if I hadn’t been a dumbass and opened my big mouth. This isn’t a big deal but going to talk to them will make it a big deal.”

He didn't look convinced, but I was so tired. I reached out and grabbed his arm before I could think better of it. "Aaron," my voice was soft, barely a whisper, but it was like he'd been struck by lightning. His eyes snapped up to mine, his lips parted slightly. It was then I realized I'd never called him by his first name before. "I trust you with my life. You'd intimidate me if I didn't know you. But I do know you, Aaron." My gaze never wavered from his.

“Okay.”

--

I laid in bed for 30 minutes pretending to be asleep. I listened to his breathing even out and I kept my back to him the entire time. I had tried to keep my bedtime routine brief, taking a quick shower and changing into my sleep shorts and a baggy shirt I’d had since college. My hair was pulled back so I wouldn’t get it wet in the shower.

The weirdest thing was seeing Hotch in normal clothes. In all the months I’d worked with him, I had never seen him not in a suit. He had a pair of flannel pajama pants on, a gray t-shirt stretched over his broad chest. He has really nice arms, I thought.

When I was sure he was asleep, I rolled over onto my back. My eyes had long since adjusted to the dark, allowing me to just stare at the ceiling.

“You’re thinking very loudly.”

I let out a squeak while my whole body jerked. "Goddamnit, Hotch!” That asshole had the nerve to chuckle. “Stop scaring me!”

“I’m sorry,” he said, not sounding even slightly sorry.

“I thought you were asleep.”

He rolled onto his back; I felt his eyes on my face. “I know,” was all he said.

I sighed, wondering how I had gotten myself into such a situation. “You really don’t intimidate me.” He made a noise which caused me to amend my statement. “Alright, alright. You do intimidate me. You’re just so…stern. And you’re so tall. What is the purpose of being that tall? It’s excessive. And I feel like your eyes can see through every single thing about me. I didn’t know you had muscles until today, but I always assumed you did. They’re very nice muscles-“ I cut myself off. Fuck.

That was the first time I ever heard Aaron Hotchner laugh. Not chuckle, not snicker quietly. He actually laughed. His laugh was a higher pitch than his speaking voice; it boomed out of him and transformed the whole mood in the room. That laugh warmed a part of my heart that I wasn’t comfortable thinking about. A huge grin broke out on my face. I made him laugh, and I was oddly proud of it.

“Thanks, y/n,” his voice was still filled with amusement. “I hadn’t known you were curious about the state of my muscles. You should have just said something.”

My head snapped to the side so my eyes could meet his. He was teasing me. SSA Aaron Hotchner, BAU unit Chief, was teasing me. I lifted my hand to his arm, giving him a shove. His bicep feels like granite. “Shut up.”

That asshat just kept laughing at me.

“Anyway, you do intimidate me,” my voice was soft again. “But I’m not afraid of you.”

Aaron regarded me thoughtfully. “So, it’s not that you’re not attracted to intimidating men,” he surmised. “You’re afraid of men.”

“Not all men,” I countered. “I’m afraid of men like you. Not you, but ones like you. You overwhelm me.”

He was quiet for a few moments. “Y/n…did someone hurt you?”

It was a natural question, a normal thought process; I should have expected the question. I felt tears prick the corner of my eyes. “Yes,” I whispered, feeling safe in the darkness of the room, safe but still so alone. “But not in the way you think.” I filled my lungs with a deep breath, hoping I would find some courage. It wasn’t until I felt his hand brush over mine, his calloused fingers brushing over the back of my hand, that I finally found it. I flipped my palm up and laced my fingers through his. He gave me a reassuring squeeze.

“I’ve had the same best friend all my life,” I began. “She’s marvelous. We’ve always been together; her mom said we were like peanut butter and jelly. I love her like she’s a part of me, Aaron.” I knew he would understand; I just knew it. “We were in college when it happened. We went to this frat party because I had a crush on some guy.” My voice was filled with venom and bitterness. “He was overwhelming, so tall, and so handsome. There was a darkness in him, but I was too young to see it. She did; my best friend could see he was a monster. I didn’t listen.” My breath was shuddering through me. “I didn’t listen to her, Hotch.”

He didn't say anything. He just shifted in the bed and pulled me to him, nestling me into his side, wrapping his arms around me while I laid my head on his chest. "I was so mad at her. So mad." The shame from all those years ago was still so fresh. "She took my drink and threw it on the floor. I told her she was embarrassing me… So, I went outside to get some air."

His arm tightened around me, his free hand coming up to stroke my hair. “You don’t have to-“

“I do,” I said, refusing to let another sob escape. “I came back inside and couldn’t find either of them. I thought maybe she was going to hook up with some guy…but she isn’t like that. She’s never been like that.” My stomach rolled at the thought; sometimes when I closed my eyes I could still smell the beer in the air, I could still feel the wood of the banister under my fingers. “I found them in a room upstairs. He had her pinned on the bed, he was-he-he was trying to take her pants off.” I didn’t deserve the comfort Aaron offered me in that moment, but I clung to him, grateful for it. “I screamed, and I guess I scared him. She kneed him and was able to push him off. We ran all the way home.”

“You saved her, y/n,” Aaron’s voice was so sure, so reassuring, no matter how hard I shook my head ‘no’. “You did. You could have just left; you were mad at her, but you still went back for her.”

I wiped my eyes. “You make it sound so simple.”

His lips pressed softly against my forehead, his hand stroking up and down my back. “That’s because it is.”

--

Things felt different in the harsh light of the police station than they had last night. Aaron was already in the shower when I woke up this morning. I fell asleep in his arms after I told him one of my darkest secrets. He didn't judge me; he didn't tell me I was a terrible person. He just held me; he offered me comfort and made me feel deserving of that comfort.

I dressed quickly and headed downstairs before he got out of the bathroom. My feelings were already swirling around in my head. It wasn’t that I wanted to be away from him, not at all. I just didn’t think it would help my feelings settle down to be confronted by a wet, hot, well-muscled Aaron Hotchner. It was an act of self-preservation if you think about it, I reasoned.

The next time I saw him was when the team was piling back into the SUVs to head to the police station. He offered me a small smile, and I think his eyes may have twinkled a little bit when I smiled back at him a little too brightly.

Profilers.

The team was as refreshed as they could be. Dr. Reid was looking at access and service roads on the map, trying to determine the route the unsub took to dispose of his victims. JJ and Morgan were out canvassing the women's neighborhoods. Rossi was with Prentiss in the sheriff's office speaking with the family of the most recent victim, Bethany Mooreland.

This was the hardest part of my job. I wasn’t a profiler. I felt like I had nothing to offer. I was fielding calls from the media, trying to organize a targeted strategy. The team thought that if the unsub saw that he was being mocked in the press, or his masculinity was called into question in any way, that he would act out more viciously. While acting out might cause him to make a mistake, we couldn’t risk another woman’s life.

The conference room doors burst open, Hotch storming inside with Morgan and JJ hot on his heels. “There’s been another attack.”

I felt my stomach drop. “Fuck.”

“Y/n, she’s alive.”

“…What?!”

The dark-haired man that held me in his arms last night only nodded. “She’s at the hospital. I want you to come with JJ and me to interview her.”

…Me?

--

Summer Webb was 25 years old; she was a customer service rep at a call center just outside of town. She lived alone, had a cat named Pringles, and was close with her family.

I held her hand while JJ and Hotch put her through a cognitive interview. I rubbed her back while she recounted how the unsub only left her because he thought she was dead. Tears ran down my cheeks when she described what he did to her.

Steel and ice ran through my veins when I looked her in the eyes and promised that we would get this monster.

I’d kill him myself if I had to.

Once her mother arrived at the hospital, we left, promising to call with any updates; uniformed officers were stationed outside her hospital door. Hotch spoke to Garcia, then to Rossi, then to Reid, then Garcia again on our ride back. JJ read over Summer’s statement, occasionally jotting down notes.

I was quiet.

Almost. Almost there. I walked into the station without really seeing it. I navigated my way down the hall on instinct. I pushed the door to the bathroom open, looked around to confirm I was alone…then I broke. I placed my hands on the countertop that housed 3 separate sinks, my tears ran down my cheeks and splashed on the fake granite.

I don’t know how long I had been there when I thought I heard a knock on the door. That didn’t make any sense, the door didn’t have a lock; there were multiple stalls in this bathroom.

But I had heard a knock. The door swung open and someone walked inside. I heard him whisper my name, the tone of his voice was so soft, so fucking sad, that it only made me cry harder. Aaron put his hands on my shoulders, turning me around to face him, then letting me collapse against him.

He murmured words I couldn’t understand against the top of my head, he wrapped his arms tight around me; I was sure I would have fallen completely apart if he wasn’t holding me together.

“You must think I’m so weak,” I muttered when my tears had finally slowed.

He stiffened, though his hands never stopped moving, stroking my hair and my back. "Just the opposite, y/n." I pulled back to meet his eyes; I saw nothing but honesty swirling in those dark brown pools. His eyes appeared so dark from far away, almost black. From this close, I could see the subtle shift between various shades of brown. They weren't cold like I had always suspected; Aaron Hotchner's eyes were warm and understanding. They were the eyes of a man who had seen far too much evil for one lifetime but refused to yield his fight for even a second.

I could fall in love with those eyes.

“You’re the furthest thing from weak I’ve ever seen,” he continued. “Your heart is so big that it aches for a woman you don’t even know. It’s alright to cry right now, it’s alright to let yourself fall down for a moment. But I know you, y/n,” he was repeating my words from last night back to me. “You’re going to pull yourself back together. And then you’re going to help us find that son of a bitch before he hurts anyone else.”

Maybe I could fall in love with more than just his eyes.

--

There are certain moments in my life that I will look back on and remember with perfect clarity. That night when I almost lost my best friend, the day I graduated from the academy, the first night I spent in Aaron Hotchner’s arms were just a few.

I would also remember when the call came in from Garcia; how Morgan and Reid ran into the room. How Hotch’s eyes shot to mine when we found out the monster’s name. I didn’t have to ask; he nodded at me, those warm brown eyes were hidden now, hardened by pure ice-cold rage.

I strapped on my vest and road in the back seat in the SUV Morgan drove.

Summer’s monster was named Jeremy Carpenter. Her monster was a white man with brown hair, brown eyes, with a scar on the back of his right hand.

None of us were sure how he knew we were coming, but he had already barricaded himself inside his house. We heard a scream when the first gunshot was fired. I wanted more than anything to bring Summer's monster in alive; I wanted to offer her the chance to face him if she wanted to.

Aaron didn’t ask if I wanted to go to the hospital once everything was over; he really did know me. He took me to see her, he kept his hand on my back while I told Summer and her mother what happened. What I will remember most of all is how her mother hugged me when I told her the monster was gone, that he would never harm anyone ever again. I hit him in his leg; he was in pain before our unit chief put a bullet between his eyes.

We had come to the hospital alone; the rest of the team went back to the station to finish up paperwork. I held his hand on the way back to the hotel; I held his hand while we walked to our room.

I offered him a small smile before I made my way into the bathroom, determined to wash the events of the day off of my skin.

He was gone when I came back out.

--

It goes without saying that I had doubted most men in my life, especially since that night all those years ago.

I never once doubted Aaron Hotchner.

I was sitting on the bed when he came back, staring at the TV without seeing.

“Hey,” he said softly. “I thought you’d still be in the shower.” He set two bags down on the only table in our room. “You haven’t eaten since breakfast. I thought-“

“Hotch,” he looked at me then, his eyes locking onto mine. “Thank you.” I didn’t need to specify for what. He knows.

He pulled our food out while I made my way to the table. I couldn’t hold in my chuckle. “You know I get motion sickness; you know my favorite foods…just how closely do you pay attention to me, Agent Hotchner?”

He didn’t look the least bit embarrassed. “More closely than I should.”

We sat together and ate in comfortable silence. The next time he spoke was to answer a phone call from Jack. I tried to hide my smile while I listened to his conversation. Unlike the rest of his team, I hadn’t gotten to see Aaron Hotchner, the father. What is it about men being good father’s that is so attractive, I mused. Is it biological? I made a note to ask Dr. Reid.

After we ate, he went to shower while I stretched out on our bed, scrolling through my phone. When Hotch emerged from the bathroom he was in another pair of flannel pants paired with a black t-shirt. I pursed my lips in both amusement and disappointment.

“What?” His eyebrow was raised quizzically. Why are his eyebrows hot?

I giggled. "Nothing." At his incredulous look, I amended, "it's nothing interesting."

He sat down beside me on the right side of the bed, his back resting against the headboard. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

“Hooootch,” I whined, covering my face with my hands. “I’ve already embarrassed myself in front of you enough for one lifetime.”

His hand came up to grab mine, pulling them down from my face. Any attempts I made to wiggle away from him were in vain. Apparently, those muscles aren’t all show and no go. My body had shifted down the bed during my halfhearted struggles, meaning Aaron was now propped up on his elbow, his body angled over mine. “Embarrassed? I don’t remember any embarrassing times,” he pretended to give this some thought. “Unless you’re referring to last night when you mentioned how much you think about my muscles?”

I tried to jerk my arms out of his hands, but he held fast, laughing openly while my face turned red. “Oh, I’m sorry. Were you not talking about that?” He pushed my arms back onto the bed, rising to his knees, positioning his body over me, his face hovering over mine. “Then it must have been when you lied to the whole team a few days ago.”

I squeaked in outrage. “I didn’t lie about anything!”

He was so beautiful when that scowl left his face. “Yes, you did!” he insisted. “You said you wouldn’t say ‘yes’ if I asked you out. And, based on the evidence, I have to say I don’t believe that to be true.”

“Oh, I forgot I was dealing with a former prosecutor.” He nodded gravely, earning another giggle from me. “Okay, counselor. What’s the evidence?”

“The most glaring piece of evidence is you won’t tell me what you were thinking when you were looking at me when I came out of the shower.”

I let out a whine, accepting my fate. He’s literally on top of you, dumbass. Something tells me he’s gonna be receptive. “Okay, okay. I may have…hurried out of the room this morning while you were in the shower.”

Hotch quirked an eyebrow. “I know. Go on.”

“Asshole,” I muttered, delighted when he laughed. Hearing his laugh was one thing, but seeing it too? My insides were basically liquid. “I may have ran as an act of self-preservation. I was…worried that you’d come out of the bathroom in a towel. And you’d be wet, and hot, and I would…make an idiot out of myself, much like I am now.”

Aaron was delighted by how bright red my face turned; he made no attempt to hide his amusement. “So, just now, you were disappointed that I came out fully clothed?”

“Hotch,” I moaned out in embarrassment. He wasn’t making this easy on me.

My eyes were shut tight, my head turned away from him like this would somehow prevent him from seeing me. His left hand lifted from my wrist, his fingers coming to rest on my chin, turning my face towards him. "If you're going to moan my name while we're in bed, y/n, I'd prefer if you called me Aaron." My eyes snapped open. His eyes were still warm, teasing, but there was a certain heat in them I hadn’t seen before that made my lower belly flutter. He leaned closer to my face. “It would be hard for me to focus at work if you every time you said ‘Hotch’ I thought about you like this.”

I waited for a few moments for him to act before I realized Aaron couldn’t cross the line first. He wouldn’t be mean if I rejected him; that wasn’t the type of man he was. But the choice was mine; it had always been mine.

I lifted my free hand up to cup the side of his face, urging him closer to me. The first brush of my lips over his was so soft I wasn't sure it was even happening. It was so hesitant but so pure that it made me ache. Aaron pulled back to look at me; he was breathing hard like he had been running instead of just kissing me.

“Y/n…”

“Don’t profile me, Aaron.” I lifted my head, my teeth nipping at his bottom lip. “I want this. I want you.”

His posture shifted, he released my left arm to brace himself above me with his arms caging me in; he moved his legs, wedging one of his thighs in between mine. “I’m not profiling you. I can see how much you want this.” No need to sound so arrogant. “But I need to be sure…I’ve wanted to touch you for so long.”

My hands moved up to touch him, one hand feeling the soft hair at the nape of his neck that was still a little damp from the shower; my other hand gripped his bicep. “Then touch me, Aaron. Please.”

I wasn’t ready for the full force of Aaron Hotchner. He was the most intense man I had ever known, and that intensity didn’t stop in the bedroom. Aaron didn’t kiss me, he tried to consume me. His mouth moved over mine with a carnal hunger that made me throb, shifting against his firm thigh that was rested against me. I was desperate for any friction. I felt his hand move down from where it was cupping my face to rest on my collarbone, his thumb tracing over the base of my throat.

His lips moved off of mine to blaze a path down my jaw, his teeth nipping at the skin there before he moved back to my lips. “Don’t worry, sweetheart.” He pushed his thigh against the seam of my body, causing a whimper to escape from my throat. I didn’t even mind the smirk that covered his mouth. “We’ll get there. Just let me make you feel good.”

I opened my mouth to him; his tongue swirled around mine while the hand that wasn’t bracing him up moved to my hip. His fingers ran over the skin of my stomach that was exposed from my shirt riding up. I placed my hand over his, guiding it further up my stomach; how was I supposed to take my mouth away from his to tell him what I wanted?

Of course, Aaron knew what I needed; I was beginning to learn that he always did. His fingers trailed up my body until he got to the underside of my breast; the callouses that roughened his fingertips were heaven on my overly sensitive skin. My mouth broke away from his in a guttural cry when those fingers finally found my nipple. Aaron moved his kisses down to the side of my throat. I felt his breath against my throat when he murmured, “you’re so sexy, y/n.”

Raising up on his knees, he started tugging my shirt up; I lifted my upper body so I could slide my shirt off quickly. I heard Aaron groan when my chest was revealed to him, but I was on a mission of my own. Once I had his shirt pulled up over his abdomen, Aaron reached behind his back and pulled his shirt off at the neck.

My nails raked down the skin that covered his chest, reveling in the groan that left his mouth. He leaned over me again, his lips wasting no time before they covered my nipple. My hands tried to grip the short hair at the back of his head.

“Aaron,” I gasped out. “I need…more. Please.”

He started kissing his way to my other breast. “What do you need, sweetheart? Do you want to grind against my thigh? Do you need to use me to get off?” His tongue flicked over my nipple. “Or do you want me to use my hand? Is that what you need, Angel?” My heart stuttered at the sweet nickname just as much as it did at his filthy words. “Do you need me to put my fingers in your pussy?”

My thighs were shifting restlessly. “Yes, yes, please Aaron.”

When his mouth closed around my nipple, I felt his left-hand slide down into my shorts, then into my panties. He shifted his wrist, allowing his hand to cup me. He groaned against my skin. "I haven't even put a finger inside of you and I can already feel how wet you are. Your little cunt is just dripping for me.”

I didn’t have a chance to respond before he parted my lips, his finger ghosting over my clit, causing my back to arch off the bed. He smirked but didn’t tease me further; he slid his fingers down to my opening before pushing his middle and ring finger inside of me, using the heel of his hand to grind against my clit. I moved my hand to my mouth, having to bite on my skin to silence the scream that his actions brought forward.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” He leaned back, never pausing the movement of his fingers. “Are you trying to be quiet? Do you not want everyone in this hotel to know how wet you are? How desperate you are to have my fingers inside of you?” All I could do was nod. “It’s all right, baby. Once we get home, I’ll hear you scream for me. But for now; be a good girl and try to be quiet. I’m the only one that gets to hear what you sound like when you cum for me.”

I was grinding against him, working my hips desperately, matching his rhythm. I was so close. “Aaron, NO!” was all I could say when he removed his fingers from inside me. The man just smiled at me, looking me straight in my eyes when he put his fingers in his mouth, licking me off of them.

He grabbed my shorts and panties at my hips, roughly jerking them off my body. “When we get home,” he said as he slowly started to push his own pajama pants down. “The first thing I’m going to do is lay on my back and make you put this pussy on my mouth. You taste so good, angel.” His cock sprang free; he was so much thicker than I expected. I was transfixed, just watching his fist pump up and down his hard length. “Will you do that for me? Will you ride my face?”

“Yes,” I was so desperate I would agree to anything in that moment. “I’ll do anything. Just please fuck me, Aaron.”

He used the fingers of his free hand to part my pussy lips again, rubbing over my clit. “I don’t have a condom, sweetheart, but-“

“I’m on the pill,” I reach out to grip his shoulders, pulling him on top of me. “I trust you. I trust you with everything. I need you inside me, Aaron.”

He shoved my thighs open, running the head of his cock up and down my pussy, coating himself in my arousal. He looked up at me again, giving me another moment to back out, before he slowly started to push inside of me. He stroked in and out of me, going a little bit deeper each time until he bottomed out. Aaron’s head fell to the dip of my shoulder. “Fuck,” he whispered. “You’re so fucking tight.” He started moving then. Slowly pulling out before he shoved himself back inside me. My hands were on his back, my nails digging into his skin. I wrapped my legs around his back, trying to draw him deeper inside me.

“You feel so good,” I whisper, biting his shoulder to keep my moans quiet.

Aaron raised up on straight arms, changing the tempo of his thrusts. “You’re not doing a very good job of being quiet, baby.” I whimpered; I couldn’t help it. “I think we might have to do something about that. He quickly pulled out of me; I didn’t have time to complain before he flipped me over, gripping my hips and lifting me up on to my knees. His hand palmed my ass cheek while he leaned over me, his breath hot on my ear. “This is how you need to be fucked.”

Raising up, he lined himself up and slammed inside of me. I bit my lip so hard that I could taste blood; Aaron tangled his hands in the back of my hair, pulling my head up while he set a brutal pace. "Quiet, baby. You don't want everyone to know what a dirty girl you are. Screaming for my cock, so wet that you're dripping down your thighs." His pace didn't slow down; I felt my orgasm rising up inside me. "Touch your clit for me, sweet girl. I want to feel you cum on my cock."

My fingers began circling my clit in a frenzy, causing my pussy to flutter around him. “That’s a good girl. Such a good girl for me. Can you be quiet when you cum? Or do I need to shove your face down in the mattress while I fuck you?” He gave a dark chuckle at my needy whine. “That’s what I thought.”

In the way that he knew everything, Aaron knew when my orgasm was peaking. He pushed my head down, never too hard, but hard enough. I bit the comforter in an attempt to silence my scream. I felt myself clamp down around his thick cock. My orgasm broke inside me so quickly. I screamed his name while I came; the comforter silenced some of it, but he heard it. That scream along with my pussy cumming on him was ultimately his undoing. He gave a few final thrusts before he went all the way, holding himself inside me as deep as he could, filling me with his cum.

I collapsed after that. I had never felt anything like this before. Aaron was there, knowing what I needed even when I didn’t. He held me for a moment until I caught my breath. Then he went into the bathroom, coming back with a damp washcloth to clean me up. He was so tender with my sensitive flesh; he didn’t say anything, he just focused on his task.

Once he was satisfied, he laid down beside me, drawing me into his side just as he’d done the night before. I couldn’t help the dry chuckle that left my exhausted body. Aaron made a ‘hmm’ noise. “I was just thinking about last night,” I said quietly, my voice raw from the screaming I had just done. “You held me like this last night. It was just 24 hours ago, but the whole world feels different.”

He made a noise in the back of his throat that I took as an agreement. After a beat, he said, "well, maybe you won't run out on me in the morning this time."

I looked into his eyes, raising up to press a kiss against his stubbly jaw. “I’ll never run again.”

And I meant it. I could face any monster, as long as Aaron Hotchner was beside me.

#aaron hotchner #Aaron Hotchner x reader #Hotchner x reader #Hotch x reader #Aaron Hotchner Imagine #Hotchner imagine #hotch imagine #Aaron Hotchner smut #Hotchner smut #hotch smut #Aaron Hotchner fan fic #Hotch fan fic #Hotchner fan fic #Aaron Hotchner x you #Aaron Hotchner x y/n #Hotchner x you #Hotchner x y/n #hotch x you #hotch x y/n #ssa aaron hotchner

[guiltyidealist]

What does bi lesbian mean? /gen

If you’re bi, doesn’t that make you not a lesbian?

Unless you’re lesbian in romance department and bi in sexual department and vice versa

Sorry 😅

**For the purposes of this explanation, when I say "bi", I am going to mean "attracted to both men and women" with no reference to nonbinary people or other mspec identities. I am also going to use "male" and "female" as biological sex terms, which are reductive and used transphobically in this context. Please forgive me-- using these definitions and having this disclaimer about it is the simplest way for me to explain harmful rhetoric without having to make it any more confusing.**

**Additionally, I am neither a lesbian nor a bi woman, and I do not intend to speak over the voices of wlw with this post. I am explaining queer history and also echoing the voices of wlw with cited sources. Please listen to wlw about wlw issues.**

It can mean a number of things for different people, as I've seen different people have different reasons! The first example I always think of is biromantic homosexual and homoromantic bisexual gals. Some are bi women who are mostly attracted to women. Others are bi women who simply prioritize their attraction to women, similarly to how I consider myself cypric/nln but not trixic/nlw or toric/nlm despite being equally attracted to any gender. Still other bi women may use it if they are attracted to women and nbys but not guys. Many use it simply because it's queer history!

Back in the day, "lesbian" was never distinguished as meaning "woman exclusively attracted to women," but rather was used like we now use wlw. It's historically acceptable for bi women to call themselves lesbians.

The biggest reason "lesbian" came to be known as "woman exclusively attracted to women" is because of a r_df_m movement of lesbian separatism, which shames bi girls for liking guys. All the posi posts about how it's not awful or disgusting or bad to like guys, especially targeted toward bi girls? Yeah, the need for these arises from lesbian separatism.

Additional examples of the lesbian separatism rhetoric include but aren't limited to:

The "g_ld star lesbian" notion

Excluding bi women from wlw/sapphic spaces

Barring bi women from using the terms "butch" and "femme" as well as "lesbian" and even "sapphic"

Condemning lesbians who are attracted/open/inclusive to trans women, calling them traitors and bisexuals (the latter of which is an offense in context but not inherently)

At the core, this is rooted in the well-known r_ddie belief that males are inherently evil and abusive, that male/female relationships are consequentially always abusive and imbalanced, that heterosexual relationships are consequentially always wrong cannot be healthy. Therefore, every female "available" (attracted) to "abusers" (males) should feel guilty and ashamed of said attraction and should avoid it at all costs, instead striving to seek relationships with women or have none at all.

This unfortunately is not only gender essentialist and biologically essentialist, but it is also reminiscent of conversion therapy advocacy ("everyone attracted to ____ should be ashamed and should work to overcome it") and, consequentially, eugenics (genocide precursor) and fascism. It is also worth noting that "men are inherently bad" is "boys will be boys" with stronger wording and excuses male entitlement, misogyny, and other elements of rape culture. It is not the only r_df_m notion that perpetuates rape culture.

Sources: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Please see sources 4 and 5 in particular.

Discoursing in the notes will get you instantly blocked. Asking questions is different from questioning challengingly.

#queer history #mspec gay #bi #mspec #lesbian #reg rhetoric #t_rf rhetoric #conversion therapy #fascism #eugenics #wlw #wlm #misogyny #biphobia #mspecphobia #rape culture #abuse culture

[goosemixtapes]

i had to read an infuriating post with mine own two eyes tonight so here’s a reminder from your local lesbian:

a) the idea that masculine women and/or lesbians (and particularly those of us who are both) are “pressured to transition” into men is ludicrous. i’m not saying it never happens - i don’t want to discount real people who may have had those experiences - but to act like it’s a trend is, quite frankly, stupid. masculine girls aren’t told to be men. masculine girls are told to be feminine. people who don’t want lesbians around probably don’t want trans people around either.

b) it is not easier to be trans than to be gay. i’m not saying it’s harder - i think trying to rank systems of oppression is a waste of time. that said, the idea that a gay person can “escape” homophobia by transitioning into a “straight” member of the “opposite sex” is - guess what! - also stupid! transitioning doesn’t get you away from homophobia. people will still be homophobic, because they will still see you as your assigned gender; you’ll just also get some lovely transphobia on the top! /s

c) again. let me reiterate. a butch lesbian who transitions to become a “straight man” is not going to suddenly have an easier time. certain aspects of her existence may, in fact, be easier! but other aspects will be much much harder. there’s no get-out-of-homophobia-free card, oh my god. i don’t know what fantasy world some of you are living in where everyone who hates gay people is magically fine with trans people? if people don’t like you being gay, they PROBABLY aren’t going to like you being trans either!

d) lesbians can and do, and have been doing and will continue to do, “transition.” transition is in quotes here because i don’t mean “become men.” i mean that lesbians can do things like take testosterone and get top surgery and use pronouns other than she/her without thinking of themselves as men, and while continuing to think of themselves as lesbians. read stone butch blues. this Just Happens. it’s just another way of exhibiting gender nonconformity! if your stance is “wait lesbians can’t do that” i’m sorry because we literally are it Just Happens

d1) this includes trans women. trans lesbians can also be nonbinary and/or use pronouns other than she/her and do basically anything afab lesbians can. this isn’t my main point, and i’m hesitant to expand because i am not affected by transmisogyny and don’t want to overstep. this post is focused on afab people because it’s drawn from my personal experience, but it’s important to me that y’all know that trans women are not excluded from this narrative.

d2) this isn’t limited to lesbians, either. bi women, for example, also have complex and personal relationships with gender. again, this post is drawn from my own experiences and i am hesitant to expand re: bi women because i know less about their personal experiences. but they are not excluded from this either.

e) HOWEVER. any and all lesbians who “transition” in this way, so long as they still identify as lesbians, ARE STILL LESBIANS. men cannot be lesbians. this means trans men cannot be lesbians. but lesbians who use he/him pronouns or do any of the other things i mentioned are NOT MEN if they don’t identify as men. trans men and he/him lesbians in particular get conflated a lot - but we aren’t the same! we are not the same; he/him lesbians aren’t trying to imply that all trans men are secretly women/lesbians, nor are they trying to imply that men can be lesbians, because lesbians who do these things are not men.

f) why might lesbians “transition” in this way, then, if they aren’t men? well quite frankly it’s none of your business. but generally it’s very simple: because using different pronouns, or going on testosterone, or having top surgery, or etc etc, makes them more comfortable. lesbianism, and butch lesbianism in specific, is deeply about gender nonconformity. saying that you can’t be a lesbian and do any of the things i’ve been listing doesn’t make sense - where do you draw the line? at what point are you trying to define where someone is “too masculine to be a lesbian?” and why do you feel the need to do that?

g) “but are lesbians doing this because of internalized and external misogyny?” look. i won’t lie. it’s POSSIBLE. misogyny is a hell of a drug. but 1) doing these things won’t let you escape misogyny just like it won’t let you escape homophobia; we’ve been over this and 2) the process of questioning your gender is a deeply convoluted and often torturous thing and i can almost guarantee to you that if you’re thinking “is this person really trans/nonbinary/etc or are they just suffering from internalized misogyny?” that that person has probably also had that conversation with themself a thousand times. i don’t think some of y’all realize how long and gnarly questioning can be. we cover our bases, guys. we examine the nuances. transitioning isn’t a snap decision.

g.5) questioning is not always long and gnarly. if your questioning process was very short, hey, good for you! i’m not trying to invalidate your experiences. i’m just saying that It Can Be and It Often Is.

h) certain celebrities who have recently come out have not, to my knowledge, even specified that they no longer identify as a lesbian, despite, for example, using he/him or they/them pronouns. as we’ve been over, these things can coexist. so saying shit like “it’s so tragic that lesbophobia made so-and-so transition” is not only repulsive and disgusting, it’s also completely unfounded!

h.5) that said, even IF certain celebrities who have recently come out no longer identify as a lesbian - okay! so what! lesbians aren’t an endangered species being encroached upon by The Evil Transes. again: we’ve been over this. lesbians and trans men can and do coexist. if someone who formerly identified as a lesbian says they are a trans man, it’s probably because they are. there is not a shortage of lesbians in the world. we are not flocking en masse to transmanhood.

i) if your hot take is “i feel sorry for the lesbian partner of this former lesbian icon who is now transitioning because the Lesbophobes and Misogynists and Evil Trans Rights Activists ganged up on their spouse to make them transition,” i kindly invite you to ~block me~

source: i’m literally a lesbian. and also one of those lesbians who does transitional activities. and also a person with critical thinking skills

#max.txt #long post #sj #god how the fuck do i tag this. im sorry followers for just dumping this on your dash but i saw some bullshit today and i am angy. #ok to rb #(also ok to like. talk to me abt this if you disagee with something or have something to add? im not the end all be all expert on this) #(as long as you are coming to me in good faith im willing to discuss) #he/him lesbians

[tyrannuspitch]

reluctant hot take but at this point i have to say it:

while it’s absolutely fine if you as a trans guy/lesbian feel you personally have a lot in common with lesbians/trans guys, the general statement “trans guys and lesbians have a lot in common” expresses literally nothing that “queer people have a lot in common” doesn’t, except through the implicit erasure of certain subgroups of trans guys and lesbians.

1. if you ask for specifics, 90% of what you get back is generalisable to “cafab queer people have a lot in common”. being cafab is not the only important experience trans guys have (ie, we are not as far from cis queer men as you think), and... lesbians are not necessarily cafab. how much of your “lesbian/trans guy solidarity” is implicitly excluding trans lesbians?

2. much of the alleged overlap is about butchness or attraction to women. plenty of trans guys are neither of the above. plenty of lesbians aren’t butch. plenty of bi and a-spec women are. 

lesbians are not any queerer than other queer women, and trans guys are not just next-level lesbians. cis gayness is not the centre of the queer universe.

3. people often seem to be thinking of it in like, alternate-life ways: "i’m a trans guy, but in a slightly different life i could’ve grown up to be a lesbian! we have so much in common!” 

on a personal level, this is absolutely fine... but when you generalise this, you erase all the people for whom trans guy/lesbian is not just a difference in gender: trans lesbians, who could not be trans guys because they’re not men and because they were already assigned male, and non-het trans guys, who could not be lesbians because they’re not women and because they’re not (exclusively/at all) attracted to women.

4. “trans guy” and “lesbian” are different facets of a person’s identity. they both specify a gender, but really, one is a relationship to cisness, and the other is a relationship to heterosexuality. trying to directly compare them often means conflating these things and treating each group as more homogenous than it really is. this sucks for cuspy people bc of the implication that you cannot be both a trans guy and a lesbian (learn the word “bigender” before cancelling me), and it sucks for people who are absolutely not both because treating lesbian and trans guy as inherently and uniquely aligned implies that, for example, lesbian and trans woman, or trans guy and gay guy, are inherently misaligned.

5. “we just don’t know if this historical figure was a trans guy or a lesbian” like i get it but the fact that those the only two things on your list of options for “ambiguously queer cafab person” is extremely telling of all of the above. we also don’t know if that historical figure was bisexual, aromantic, or nonbinary. why do you never bring that up.

in conclusion: stop treating “trans guys and lesbians have so much in common” as a completely uncomplicated, uncontroversial fact of life that you can just parrot and never feel the need to investigate or quantify or prove. all queer people have things in common, but the categories of trans guy and lesbian are not actually any closer together than like... “asexual man” and “agender”.

#maybe this is petty but i don't care i'm sick of it

[infinitys-spirits]

Hi thanks for the response, I don’t hate you, and I want you to have a good life, I just disagree with some of views and am genuinely curious about what other people think, and I would like to address some of the tags.

First saying “lgb drop the t” is honestly not a good way to get your point across as most people agree that lgbtqia+ is something that should include everyone who is falls out of society’s norms on gender, sexuality, and anatomy.

I think something a lot of people don’t know is that trans women and men are biologically different and studies have show that trans women have a brian structure close to that of a cis women’s than a man, not only that but there have been multiple historical instances of trans people.

I of course you don’t have the statistics I wouldn’t expect you too, I just want you to have some perspective and maybe do a bit of research into the hate and oppression trans and other gender queer people face.

I know personally from being a trans person that it is not from my internalized homophobia (I don’t know why it would be) and is not autogynphobia. I struggle every feeling as if I was born into the wrong body and it makes day to day life pretty difficult so I hope you can understand at least my personal struggles even if you still don’t fully understand the trans experience.

And although I disagree with it please ask for a space or groups for only cis women with out making about excluding trans women.

I hope you have a nice day and thanks for your time :)

I’ll address each point individually to make things easy on myself.

1. Most TRAs approach us radfems with hateful intent.

2a. “Lgb drop the t” is a general radfem/gender critical tag that I use to spread my posts. It isn’t that deep. Plus, the LGB is united in our same sex attraction. The T was originally added to accommodate same-sex attracted people who also enjoyed crossdressing and considered themselves “transsexual”. The current trans rights movement is homophobic and its goals are antithetical to the rights and needs of the LGB. They ask us (I’m a lesbian for reference) to go under conversion therapy. They demand that we “examine our preferences”. I will never want a relationship with a trans woman because they are men. I will never want a relationship with a man and I never have. The trans movement says that if a son likes dresses, he must in fact be a girl. Radfems simply say that he is a boy who likes dresses and that that is fine. The same is true for girls, but a little more serious. Teenage girls, including myself at the time, often hate our bodies. We go from a regular kid to a sexual object during puberty. The trans movement says that these uncomfortable feelings must be dysphoria and that you’re actually nonbinary or trans. No, you’re just a girl who is uncomfortable with society’s expectations, and that is completely normal. Note that dysphoria is a real and severe condition, but often fades after puberty (I believe the stat is 80% of the time it fades? Don’t quote me, I’m new here and I only run this blog casually). Those with gender dysphoria often benefit from talk therapy to help them understand the source of their feelings. I’m sure a radfem who faces dysphoria can tell you more. (Forgive me, Tumblr’s formatting is being stupid and any new paragraph I try to make is a million meters down)…. 2b. The LGB isn’t the “weird kids club”. It was made for those who experience same sex attraction. It originally had nothing to do with gender identity or level of sexual attraction. I, for example, am sex-repulsed. I consider myself asexual. But I am only in the LGB for my same sex attraction towards women. Straight aces are not in the LGB. 3. Oh goodness the brain sex argument… Everyone’s brains are different. The only sex difference is in size. Men have slightly larger brains because they have larger skulls. If anything, differences within the male sex should discredit the brain sex argument. There is nothing in your anatomy that makes you desire to be more feminine or more masculine. To suggest there is is sexist. It’s like when old philosophers would say that women are just “natural followers” and shit. (My god I hate this. You’re arguing with the wrong person…) 4. The statistics. All you TRAs love to hype up about trans women getting killed. It’s unfortunate that anyone dies. BUT, the vast majority of TWs killed were in prostitution and killed by their MALE johns. They are also killed because of homophobia. But it’s still male on male violence. Consider the millions of females aborted or murdered in China’s one child policy. Consider the hundreds of thousands mutilated all around the world because of FGM. Consider those who are killed by domestic violence. Consider those who get acid thrown on them. There are billions of dead women in history who were killed just for having the misfortune of being born female. 5. I do sympathize with your struggles. You are AFAB, yes? If I had been a little younger when all this transgender stuff kicked off, I would’ve wanted to transition myself. I definitely want to be a man sometimes. I feel for you how you feel you are in the wrong body. Believe me or don’t, but I get it. I am you, in a way. You may not be a lesbian or bisexual and don’t experience internalized homophobia or biphobia. Only straight males experience autogynophilia. From your descriptions, it seems like you are dissatisfied with how the world views you. You just wanna be a person, right? You just wanna be yourself and get the respect you deserve no matter your appearance or your sex. That is completely normal and understandable. Most women feel the way you do. Even “cis” women. We all just approach it differently.

#this was long #please please just dm me #this was more stressful than I thought itd be #you seem like a nice person #but PLEASE JUST DM ME #tumblr format sucks omg #I couldn’t fit in your last part #about the separatist groups… #WE DO #we ask for female only groups! #but they get invaded by TW and called transphobic #we aren’t ALLOWED to have anything to ourselves

[uncloseted]

tw: transphobia😭 hi I'm a radfem cisgirl (I hate using "cis" and "trans" words but here I need to for the sake of the story) I've got a friend from ny highschool (we're in college now) who's also a radfem and is always sharing great feminist stuff. Yesterday, she shared the comment of a girl saying "this fight for abortion (it is illegal in my country) is for men/people with vaginas too!" and mocked it. I preferred not to make up any opinions about her because of one single post. But today, she shared a picture of Miss Spain 2019 (a trans girl) who talked about her experience with sexism, and mocked her too. This time, it was obvious to me she was just being transphobic trash. She received lots of backlash and deleted the post, but instead made a new post complaining about people caring about transphobia but not about sexism (a very stupid post, if you ask me). This time, along with some comments from other girls respectfully telling her to stop being cruel and mocking towards trans women, she received a lot of support from other TERFS (although these TERFS said they hate being called TERFS just for being honest and brave lmmfao). They said that transwomen don't belong in radfem because they just suffer from discrimination, not oppression, and listed some reasons why: according to them, trans girls don't suffer: obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, feminicide, child marriage, genital femenine ablation, glass ceiling barriers, being implanted "maternal sense" while kids, getting their ears perfored while babies, among other stuff, and that differentiate ciswomen biological reality from trans women biological reality isn't transphobia. Other girls said they knew transwomen who were mean to them, using derogatory terms to refer to ciswomen and they were mean and cruel, using this argument to generalize about all transwomen smh.

I'm just so stoned that people could be so cruel to transwomen and set them aside from the feminist fight when they suffer from already being excluded from so many things. It sickens me that some people don't belive trans people exist and treat them that bad, specially trans girls. I wish I could debunk the info this TERFS are spreading because it's so dangerous and enables transphobics to keep harming transpeople and I find that unbearable, but I am not as informed as I should be to debute all their lies at once. Could you help me?

So starting with the question of transwomen in radfem spaces, I don’t think many (if any) transwomen would say that they experience the exact same type of discrimination that cis women do.  There’s often this idea that “trans people don’t believe in biology”, but that’s a bad faith argument.  Trans people understand biology very well, often more than their cis counterparts do, because it’s such a big part of their identity.

Yes, transwomen don’t suffer obstetrician violence, forced pregnancy, child marriage, genital feminine ablation, etc. (I can’t even find any articles on the ear thing).  They do experience femicide, at way higher rates that cis women do. Transwomen are women, and they’re discriminated against in their own way; sometimes that’s because they’re women, and sometimes that’s because they’re trans.  Transwomen are largely supportive of fighting with cis women to rid the world of discrimination for all women, cis and trans alike.  

By contrast, TERFs seem to think that because transwomen sometimes suffer a different type of discrimination than cis women, they can’t be “real women”.  But that argument makes no sense to me.  The vast majority of affluent, white, straight, cis women will never suffer the violence that is apparently so central to the cis female experience.  They’re extremely unlikely to experience femicide, child marriage, genital mutilation... and yet they can acknowledge that those issues are feminist issues, even though they’re not universal to all women.  Why shouldn’t the discrimination that transwomen face also fall under that umbrella?  And if they can accept that women who have had hysterectomies, or women who have chromosomal differences, or women who are intersex, or women who present butch are all women, why shouldn’t transwomen also fall under the umbrella of womanhood?

Further, is that really all that womanhood is to TERFs?  Experiencing the trauma and discrimination that so often accompanies being a cis women?  I don’t think inclusion to a group should be predicated on the amount that one has suffered or how many “oppression points” they’ve amassed. And I don’t think being a woman should be predicated solely on biology, especially given that we never really know what kind of biology a person has just by looking at them.  What “being a woman” is is a metaphysical question that derails the discussion of trans feminism, and it’s a question that I don’t think a lot of TERFs actually have a good answer to.  It’s just an easy way to put the burden of proof on trans people and trans allies and waste our time (but if you’re interested, I do have an opinion on this. I just think it’s best saved for a different time).

In terms of trans people being oppressed, there’s all sorts of data to suggest that trans oppression is very real.  In the US, trans people were banned from serving in the military under the Trump administration, a decision that was only overturned a few days ago, and the Trump administration also reversed the Obama- era Title VII policy that protected trans employees from discrimination.  Trans people are overwhelmingly lacking legal protections- there are no federal non-discrimination laws that include gender identity, and in some states, debates over limiting the rights of trans people to use public bathrooms are ongoing.  

About 57% of trans people faced some type of rejection from their family upon coming out.  Around 29% of trans people live in poverty (compared to 11% in the general population and about 22% in the lesbian and gay populations), and that number is higher for trans people who are Black (39%), Latinx (48%), or Indigenous (35%).  27% of trans people have been fired, not hired, or denied a promotion due to their trans identity.  90% of trans people report facing discrimination in their own jobs.  Trans people face double the rate of unemployment that cis people do (about 14%) and about 44% are underemployed. This is despite the fact that a reported 71% of trans people have some level of post-secondary education- actually higher than the general population, which is about 61%.  It’s often cited that women earn 77 cents on the dollar compared to men, but that statistic doesn’t even exist for trans women.

54% of trans people have experienced intimate partner violence (compared to about 24.3% of cis women), 47% of trans people have been sexually assaulted (compared to about 18% of cis women), and about 10% are physically assaulted in a given year. 

About 22% of trans people and 32% of trans people of color in the US have no health insurance (compared to about 11% of cis women), and 55% of trans people who do have insurance report being denied coverage for at least one gender affirming surgery.  29% of trans adults have been refused healthcare by a doctor or provider because of their gender identity.  In one study, 50% of trans people said that they had to teach their medical providers about trans care.  Trans people are four times as likely than the average population to be infected by HIV.  41% have attempted suicide at one point in their lives, compared to 1.6% of the general population.  

20% of trans people have been evicted or denied housing due to their gender identity, and trans people are four times more likely than cis people to be homeless.  Only 1/5 of trans people report that they have been able to update all of their identification documents, and 41% have a driver’s license that does not match their gender identity.  22% of trans people report that they have been denied equal treatment by a government agency or official, 29% reported police harassment, and 12% reported having been denied equal treatment or harassed by judges or court officials.

75% of transgender students feel unsafe at school because of their gender expression, 60% are forced to use a bathroom or locker room that does not match their gender, 50% were unable to use the name and pronouns that match their gender, and 70% of trans students say that they’ve avoided bathrooms because they feel unsafe.  78% of trans students report being harassed or assaulted at school.

And these are all statistics that focus on trans people at large.  The discrimination is worse for transwomen and especially transwomen of color.  All of that certainly sounds like systemic oppression to me.

Every person who chooses to be a TERF perpetuates this discrimination.  It’s just bigotry towards trans people, plain and simple.  And for what?  A reactionary fear that all transwomen are secretly sexual predators and all transmen are confused girls who don’t know better?  Unfortunately, men can be sexual predators just fine without having to jump through the convoluted hoops trans people go through to be recognized as their true gender identity, and transwomen are way more likely to be sexually assaulted than they are to be sexual predators.  There are no reported cases at all that transwomen are dressing up as men to assault women in bathrooms.  There aren’t even statistics on how frequently trans people are sexual predators. And transmen are just as capable of making informed, thoughtful decisions as cis women.  

TERFs shouldn’t be pitting themselves against trans people.  There’s just nothing to be gained from doing that.  They should be working alongside trans people to fight the patriarchy and the discrimination that cis and trans women both face, regardless of what that discrimination entails.

Last thought.  Not to be a stan or anything but if you’re interested in learning more about these issues, Contrapoints has a number of really good videos on the topic of TERFs (including one that just released today!). They delve a bit deeper into the actual questions that TERFs often bring up and provide some nuanced answers.

#Anonymous #effys-closet #effys closet

[nerdygaymormon]

Homophobias warning: I had a friend who was confused when I told her that a lot of gay people usually felt the spirit telling them they can date or like the same gender. She just said that it was contradictory to the church and was probably just Satan. I didnt really know what to say so I just left it at that. Do you or anyone have any suggestion on how to respond to this type of comment?

To understand where she’s coming from, the Church teaches that members can receive revelation, but with these 3 caveats:

You have to be living worthily

Inspiration is restricted to your personal life & family matters, or to your calling in Church, or to confirm Church teachings & leaders.

No one will receive inspiration that contradicts Church teachings & policies

If someone is getting answers that conflict with the Church, then they must be unworthy. That unworthiness means either they’re being inspired by the Devil or they’re just confusing their own feelings to want to sin.

————————————————————— 

I disagree with this teaching that there’s no variance. This implies that the Church and its leaders are never wrong. And yet we have a recent example.

In November 2015 a new policy was inserted into the handbook of instructions used by local leaders. This policy came to be known as the Policy of Exclusion (POX) because it required same-sex couples to be disciplined and cut off their children from the Church.

It was interesting to see many members say that this didn’t feel right to them. Then Elder Christofferson came forward to say that it is a new policy approved by the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Most members immediately fell in line.

Except it wasn’t accepted by most LGBTQ+ members, nor many of their family & friends. They felt certain this was wrong.

After President Monson died, President Nelson became head of the Church and declared the POX to be a revelation.  

In less than 5 years, this policy/revelation was completely reversed.

Could it be that those who voiced their opposition to the policy had been correct? I don’t think the Church leaders will ever officially say they were wrong and the dissenters to this policy were correct. However, that’s how it looks to me.

————————————————————— 

And here’s the thing, the Church has been wrong on LGBTQ+ topics time and time again.

When I was growing up, the Church was teaching that people experienced gay feelings because they were molested or they didn’t have enough faith or even because of masturbation. A person could be excommunicated for saying they are gay. 

Science proved that homosexuality is part of a person’s biology. It has nothing to do with masturbation, being molested and a person can’t change their sexual orientation by desire or faith. Now the Church says it has no position on the cause of same-sex attraction, and it’s okay for people to use the labels lesbian, bi or gay to identify themselves.

________   

This reminds me of African-Americans who had a very strong belief & confirmation that the Church’s racist policies were wrong. They should not be excluded from holding the priesthood and getting temple blessings.

The Church now has an essay that says it was wrong. Church leaders of the past were blinded by the racism of the time.

—————————————————————

The General Authorities teach general principles in General Conference, but when it comes to my individual life, not always do general principles work. God can clarify those teachings for me, or even modify them or give me other answers. Even if the Church isn’t ready for the answer, God can give me specific answers because they directly impact my life.

In answering a question about divorce in Matthew 19, Jesus declared the general doctrine is that a man get a wife and be one, never to be torn apart.

But then Jesus gave an exception. a man can divorce his wife if she commits adultery.

Then Jesus gave another exception, said it was going to be hard for people to accept this answer, but there are certain men who are exempt from having to marry a woman. 

The general principle and doctrine applies to most people. But when it comes to application, there are some adjustments that had to be made.

________   

I have had a very powerful experience that God loves me and my orientation. In the temple I’ve received revelation that it’s okay for me to seek a relationship with a man.

Your friend would say I’m inspired by the Devil or I’m just wanting to sin.

However, these experiences, thoughts and inspiration have all been accompanied by feelings of the Spirit.  

“Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?” (D&C 6:23.)

A feeling of peace & calm is the most common ways the Spirit confirms things. Sometimes it just seems that things become very clear in my mind. Other times it’s a strong feeling of love.

Only later when wondering if I’m sure about this, am I just fooling myself into getting an answer I was hoping for, that’s when I will I feel unsure. This is a spiritual sign that I’m wrong about these doubts

When I again receive the same inspiration, there is no doubt at those times, and the feelings of the Spirit are clear.

————————————————————— 

Derek Knox on the Beyond the Block podcast had a useful analogy about revelation. (episode 43):

So you’’ve got sort of three approaches to a window.

You’ve got the fundamentalist. You’ve got the skepticist, or the skeptic. And then the realist. Okay. And all, there are three approaches to how revelation works.

Now, fundamentalists think of it very naively. They think of it, of revelation as looking out a window and the window is perfectly clear and as long as it’s sunny and as long as you’re looking out the window, you can see exactly the way things are. And that’s how our prophets and apostles work. They can just look out and seek clearly into the mind of God. Whatever’s there is there, there’s no filter. There’s no processing. It’s a beautiful, clear, clean window that they can look out. That’s the sort of naive approach.

Then the skeptic’s approach is that the window is actually a mirror and all you see is a reflection of yourself, your own biases, your own prejudices. There’s no actual revelation. Skeptics don’t think that revelation is real. They think it’s all just a repackaging of your own ideas in your own self, and, and that’s what it is. There’s no window. There&#39;s no truth out there. There’s just a mirror.

And then the third approach is the realist approach to say, yes, there’s a window. And there is something real on the other side, revelation, is real. But that window can be a little bit warped. It can be a little bit dirty, it can be a little bit obscure in some places. And you can see your reflection in the window. Not only can you see through the window. But you can also see your reflection in the window and you have to be careful to separate those and keep them apart.

I think that is the most realistic approach to revelation in our church. If you look at every revelation in the history of our scriptures, it’s going to be light from God filtered through a human with limitations and liabilities and a particular language at a particular time and place, and you’re going to get some of their human fingerprints, even if it’s just the style of the vocabulary.

Derek goes on to explain this is why we need a variety of people with different experiences looking out the window  together. We each will have our biases and weaknesses, but the parts we can all view is the part that’s most likely the actual view through the window free from our self reflection.

[gendercensus]

Gender Census 2019 - The Full Report (Worldwide)

This is a long post! You can see a summary of the big three questions here.

~

Hi and welcome to this year’s worldwide report based on the 11,242 responses to the Gender Census, which ran from 25th February until 30th March. It was mostly shared on Tumblr and Twitter, with some Reddit and Facebook and no doubt some one-to-one link-sharing too.

You can see the spreadsheet of results in full here, which might be helpful if you need to see graphs or figures in more detail. For the charts and graphs of statistics over time, the summary spreadsheet can be found here.

~

Q1. IDENTITY WORDS

As in previous years, I asked: Which of the following best describe(s) in English how you think of yourself?

Here’s the top 5:

nonbinary - 66.6% (up 6%)

queer - 43.0% (up 40.1%)

trans - 36.6% (up 1.8%)

enby - 31.7% (up 7.2%)

transgender - 30.4% (up 2.5%)

I put queer in bold because it’s new to the list, and the way it’s rocketed to second place is very unusual... and a little suspicious.

The wording of the identity question carefully avoids mentioning gender so that people without genders feel comfortable answering (or not answering), but it’s not really meant to include sexualities. The exception is sexualities that are part of someone’s gender identity, like this comment that someone wrote into the identity checkbox: “femme lesbian (sometimes i feel like lesbian *is* my gender)”

So anyway, last year queer got 2.9% (over the 1% threshold), and I personally know people who feel that their gender is queer, so I added it to the list. Usually when terms are added as checkbox options it might multiply their popularity by about four, but 43% is way too high to be explained by that. Queer is usually used to describe sexuality, so I think perhaps people who identify as queer in terms of their sexuality might have been selecting it too. I’m considering changing it slightly, to something like “queer (as gender identity)” to clarify it for next year. It’s possible that we won’t know if this percentage is due to bad survey design for a year or two.

(Edit: Some feedback on queer and my response to the feedback can be found here.)

Along those lines, several terms were added to the checkbox options this year because they were typed in by over 1% of participants last year:

queer

genderless

demiboy

demigirl

gender non-conforming

There are now 28 terms in the identity checkbox list, and as usual there were people expressing gratitude for the abundance of checkbox options in the identity question. However, there has also been an increase in people entering words into the textboxes that are already in the checkbox list. That means that people are missing or are not able to find the identity words they connect with more than last year, and it doesn’t help that the list is randomised to reduce primacy and recency bias.

Right now I add words to the checkbox list if they reach 1%, and this year for the first time I am considering adding another system for removing words that are not used as much. You can read a blog post I wrote about that here. I concluded based on the results of the 2017 survey (which asked for participants’ ages) that some words that seem to be used less overall are used more often by participants over 30, and since participants over 30 are underrepresented in online surveys generally I will be keeping any word that they enter over 3% of the time even if the word isn’t used as much overall.

Relatedly, I didn’t ask for ages in the survey this year, but I will be collecting information about age in future surveys to make sure that I don’t remove words and accidentally alienate underrepresented age groups. (The age question will be optional and will give age ranges rather than asking for an exact age, so hopefully that won’t make people feel too uncomfortable.)

This year someone complained for the first time that I was excluding words from other languages because I specify “in English” in the question, and if you know me from previous surveys you know that’s the opposite of my intention! Every word entered is counted, and I’m very aware that people use words from other languages while speaking English. So I’m considering rewording the question, but I welcome feedback on this since I’ve never had anyone complain about this issue before and plenty of people already enter non-English words.

And here’s this year’s top 10 words and their popularity over time:

Those two lines shooting up from 2018 to 2019 are two of the words newly added this year: queer and gender non-conforming. That green line starting near the bottom in 2016 and steadily increasing over time is more like what I’d usually expect - that’s enby, which is now up to #4 on the list.

There are no new identity words to add next year; the closest to 1% was butch with 0.7%. However, since I intend to collect information about age and since people often type, for example, “girl but not woman, even though I am not a minor”, I will be splitting girl, woman, man and boy into separate checkboxes next year.

2,021 unique identity words/terms were typed into the “other” textbox, including 413 that were entered more than once. The average number of type-ins for people who actually typed words in was 1.8, and the average words per person overall was 5. Most entered 4 words:

~

Q2: THE TITLE QUESTION

I asked, Supposing all title fields on forms were optional and write-your-own, what would you want yours to be in English? I also clarified that participants should be currently entitled to use it, so they should have a doctorate if they choose Dr, etc.

There were 5 specific titles to choose from, plus a few options like “I choose on the day” and “a non-gendered professional or academic title”. Participants could choose only one, with the goal of finding out what, when pressed, people enter on official records forms and ID.

Here’s our top 5:

No title at all - 33.0% (up 0.6%)

Mx - 31.3% (down 1.3%)

Mr - 8.7% (up 0.2%)

Non-gendered prof/acad. - 5.5% (up 0.1%)

Ms - 4.7% (down 1.0%)

Here’s how that looks compared with previous years:

Mx and no title switched places again for the fifth year in a row! And this year I made a similar graph but without Mx and no title. They always get way more than everything else, and it makes it really hard to see what’s going on in the lower half of the graph!

That rollercoaster of a red line is because in 2018 I specified that “non-gendered professional/academic title” should be one that the participant should be entitled to use, which caused that significant drop.

The most popular five “other” textbox titles were:

M - 28 (0.2%)

Comrade - 17

Sir - 10

Mrs - 9

Ser - 7

As with last year, I invited people who chose “a standard title that is used only by people other than men and women” (2.5% of participants) to optionally suggest titles that they’d heard of. The goal is to find a popular title that is considered exclusive to nonbinary genders the way Mr is generally considered exclusive to men and Ms is to women.

243 people checked the “standard exclusive nonbinary” title option, and here’s everything entered more than once:

Mx - 16

M - 4

Xr - 2

Mrs - 2

Mx is generally considered gender-inclusive by people who are familiar with it, especially if their title is Mx, but it’s high on this list because Mx is very well-known generally. M in French is masculine, but in English it’s not gendered and I assume it’s pronounced “em”? (That seems to be what people have said in the notes, but please do tell me if I’m wrong!) It was also the most entered title in the “other” textbox. Xr is new to me, I’m not sure how it’s pronounced.

~

Q3: PRONOUNS

The fourth question was actually a complex set of questions retained from last year, which started with Supposing all pronouns were accepted by everyone without question and were easy to learn, which pronouns are you happy for people to use for you in English? This was accompanied by a list of pre-written checkbox options. It included “a pronoun set not listed here”. and if you chose that it took you to a separate set of questions that let you enter up to five pronoun sets in detail.

As usual, everything that was a pre-written checkbox option got over 1%.

Here’s the top 5:

Singular they - they/them/their/theirs/themself - 79.5% (up 2.1%)

He - he/him/his/his/himself - 30.8% (down 0.4%)

She - she/her/her/hers/herself - 29.0% (down 1.9%)

None/avoid pronouns - 10.3% (up 0.2%)

Xe - xe/xem/xyr/xyrs/xemself - 7.2% (down 0.2%)

Here’s how that looks over time:

Because singular they, he and she always do better than everything else, let’s look at that chart without them. Every other specific pronoun set got under 8%.

Here’s the top 5 textbox neopronouns, none of which got over 1%:

ne/nem/nemself (singular verbs) - 27 (0.2%)

ve/ver/verself (singular verbs) - 24

ey/em/emself (singular verbs) - 23

ae/aer/aerself (singular verbs) - 22

thon/thon/thonself (singular verbs) - 18

(I’m going by the subject, object and reflexive, because that seems like the best way to collect similar sets together - eyeballing it, the most variations occur in the possessives.)

Half of participants don’t like he or she, and 9% like neither he, she nor they. 695 unique sets of neopronouns were entered by 574 people, of which 84 were entered more than once. The average number of pronouns entered was 2.2, and most people (39%) were happy with one set.

Overall it looks like there are no neopronouns really gaining in popularity, and even the checkbox neopronouns are being used less since 2015.

~

THE QUESTIONS I ASK

What should the third gender option on forms be called? - Still no consensus, but nonbinary is at 2 in 3 people and it does seem to be gradually climbing.

Is there a standard neutral title yet? - Not yet. Mx is still consistently far more popular than all other titles, but just as many nonbinary people want no title at all. It’s really important that activists campaigning for greater acceptance of gender diversity remember to fight for titles to be optional, too.

Is there a pronoun that every nonbinary person is happy with? - No. The closest we have to a standard is singular they, and it’s important for journalists and anyone else with a style guide to allow it. It’s levelled out at about 1 in 5 not being into singular they, and 9% of us don’t like he, she or they pronouns.

Are any of the neopronouns gaining ground in a way that competes with singular they? - No. This year the closest is “Xe - xe/xem/xyr/xyrs/xemself” (7.2%, compared to singular they’s 79.5%). Users of these neopronouns will probably not reach consensus for many years - language and especially pronouns can be very slow to settle and gain ground. Even if one neopronoun does become very commonly used, many will continue to use other neopronouns for a long time to come.

~

THIS YEAR IN REVIEW

Crowdfunding was successful enough that I have a little money leftover for costs next year. We had around the same number of participants as last year, but follower numbers and mailing list subscribers increased, which bodes well for next year.

I made some minor changes to the promotional illustrations to make them more gender-/sex-inclusive, and this year I got no complaints, so that was a good move! However, this year I did see a lot more confusion about who is invited to take part. I think the changes were probably worth it to make sure I’m being as welcoming and inclusive as I can be in the promotional stuff, so hopefully people will err on the side of caution and just jump in.

The way that the new survey software collects information, and my increased knowledge of Google Sheets, mean that I didn’t have to resort to MS Excel at all this year. This is really good, because working with unfamiliar software slows me down a lot! My formulae have been more efficient (thanks to my increasing Google Sheets skillz), so the entire sheet could be processed at once instead of being split into several questions. I’m really happy about that, because it means the entire worldwide results report came out less than 24 hours after the survey closed, instead of... *cough* eight months *cough* ...

I made an executive decision not to do a UK report this year, because the added complication makes it really hard for me to motivate myself. It definitely worked, look at that, it’s only March and the worldwide report is already out! I might still do a UK report, and I will keep collecting UK/not UK info about participants so that I always have that option, but for now I’ll just concentrate on the worldwide report and just do the UK report if I feel like it before 2020. And of course the spreadsheet is available to anyone who wants to download it and play with it, so if someone else wants to make some UK-specific statistics happen that is totally possible.

What I’ll do differently next year

In the identity question, I will keep queer as a checkbox option, but I will specify that it’s a gender. Maybe “queer (as gender identity)”? Feedback welcome on this!

In the pronouns question, I’ll change the wording of “none/avoid pronouns” so that it’s clear that it includes just using someone’s name. That’s because a lot of people tried to enter their names as neopronoun sets to express that, and I want to avoid people entering identifying information.

I will ask about age, to make sure that people over 30 are represented by checkbox options. Typically only about 10% of participants are over 30 so I want to make sure as many as possible are comfortable taking part. I’ll group ages into sets of 5 years (21-25, 26-30, etc.) to reduce risk of people being identified, and because entering an exact age probably feels a little more uncomfortable.

After 2020, any identity word, title or pronoun that is entered by less than 3% of participants and less than 3% of participants over 30 can be removed in future surveys. (I am a little concerned about this part, because it’ll make the work more complicated for me, and more work means more risk of epic procrastination. I’ll do my best!)

I’ve finally admitted to myself that I need to separate man and boy, and woman and girl. Currently it’s “woman (or girl if younger)” and “man (or boy if younger)”, and every year plenty of people skip those options in the checkboxes and type in “girl (but not woman even though I’m not a minor)” or something like that, and next year I’ll be asking about age so that’ll be an easy way to determine if there are any adults who are comfortable with one and not the other. This will increase the number of checkboxes to 30, which is pretty unwieldy and will make it harder yet again for people to find their words and increase the rate at which people drop out of the survey, so I’m glad for the under-3% checkbox removal threshold that I’m introducing from 2021 onwards.

Closing thoughts

I slipped up on a couple of things this year (ambiguity over the word “queer”, for example) - but overall I’m pretty impressed with how well I handled it all compared to last year. (I had recently moved house and was trying to rebuild my life, so I didn’t have a lot of spare energy in 2018!)

As always, I’m excited to pore through all your written answers and feedback, and I’m really grateful to everyone who shared the survey link! There were hundreds of RTs and thousands of reblogs, which never ceases to amaze me. Thank you everyone for sharing a small linguistic part of yourselves with me, I hope putting it all together helps you and makes a positive difference to the world!

See also

A list of links to all results, including UK and worldwide, and including previous years

The mailing list for being notified of next year’s survey

~

SUPPORT ME!

I do this basically for free (the crowdfunded money goes entirely on survey software and domain fees), so if you happened to stumble onto my Amazon wishlist and accidentally fall on an Add To Cart button… well, I would be immensely grateful. ;) If you wanted to go and check out Starfriends.org too I reckon Andréa would be pretty chuffed!

#gender census #results #nonbinary #gender census 2019 #survey #pronouns #neopronouns #gender-neutral language #language

[mlm-only-support]

I'm sending this bc hoping to offer perspective? I just discovered the "mlm only discourse," but legit the first 5 blogs I found were truscum and/or transmed before I found yours. I'm a nb lesbian, and even with staying pretty quiet and tailoring my online experience, up until the past few months I've seen much more nb exclusionary stuff than support. Fact of the matter is, a lot of people who tout this use the cover of "I just want an exclusive space!" Which sucks bc they're (1/?)

continued: turning the totally reasonable request of wanting a space JUST for people like them (which I totally get), into a dogwhistle, similar to how terfs post stuff that *seems* reasonable but is actually filled with transphobic ideology. This doesn't excuse people sending hate or dead bodies (jfc) by ANY means. But also as somebody who's been mocked a lot over gender and felt for years I couldn't ever identify as I am, seeing an outcropping of nb exclusionary blogs oft headed by truscum/transmed (2/?)

is.... certainly a HUGE red flag, you understand? And it's really unfair to mlm who legit just want a place on the internet to just themselves. I get that I'm not the exact same, but the experience sort of parallels so I was hoping I could offer perspective from the "other side" as it were. Maybe spreading the use of "transphobes/enbyphobes(forget the word)/truscum/transmed/etc. DNI" in banners would help? Because as it is I think that's what's causing a lot of frustration for even (3/?)

innocent nb people because we're so used to hostility, and is a breeding ground for people who can use this as an excuse to promote their harmful ideology regarding nb people. I understand now that "mlm only" is an innocent claim, but it seems to have been quickly co-opted, and it would help if there was a seen effort that showed excluding nb people on a more "fundamental" level isn't okay. Not that I'd want to be in the space of a truscum "nblx dni" person anyway, but this kind of (4/?)

breeds an environment where nb people are expected to sit down an shut up and accept growing numbers of anti-nb spaces because if we do say anything we're called out on being invasive and can't respect people's boundaries, when in actuality that's a cover intentionally being used by hateful people to simultaneously prove how bad we are and successfully lock us out of our communities. And these feelings could be avoided and hateful people quickly shut down if suggested DNI became common. (5/?)

Sorry this was so long but I felt I couldn't message because even though you seem kind, I'm afraid of not being anon because historically I've gotten hate and belittled and told to change my identity etc. whenever I try to speak up. This isn't entirely my place, but I'm hoping that suggestion could help before "mlm only" becomes common shorthand for being hateful and exclusionary like similar sentiments in nblw and wlw spaces have- that screws everyone over, including people who are (6/?)

earnest and welcoming but simply want some mlm spaces for themselves. (Also will help slow spread of indoctrination hopefully, because like how terfs prey on young lesbians, most of the nblm dni people I saw were under 20, and a lot of truscum/transmeds I see are generally young trans men who were absolutely predated on by older exclusionists). Thank you for your time, and I sincerely hope I didn't intrude. I just want these communities to be safe for all who need them. ❤ -Avery (7/7)

(also separate but sorry if that last one sent a bunch of times, I kept getting errors. extra sorry i know i can be long winded but that was like, impossible to condense, yknow? thank you for your time even if you don't feel comfortable posting that, and have a great day and hope you are doing well in these times!

alright so first i wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write your ask, im always open to answering things like this. as well, if you ever do want to dm me, i am completely open to dms and would never do anything like try to change your identity or convince you otherwise because thats just not how i roll

so getting to the content of the ask, i do agree theres a... disturbing growing trend of enbyphobia in the mlm-only community.

our specific community is small, only about 30-40 people. ive noticed about... 3 or 4 blogs that are incredibly aggressive to nonbinary people. ive been thinking of calling one out in particular that constantly posts stuff like "fuck nb people you guys cant fucking read and i dont want you on my fucking blog" (like yikes dawg). i think people like that are using the guise of mlm-only in order to treat nb people like shit, and thats not what i want our community to be about.

ive also noticed the trend of people saying things like "you cant be an nb man" and "you cant be nblm and mlm". this one has existed for a while, before all of the aggression cropped up. i think these people are pretty confused and id honestly want to have a discussion with them to see if i can educate them, or to see if they just... dont want to change their view. i dont see how invalidation of peoples personal identities belongs on a blog about liking men (newsflash, guys: you dont have to want to date them to respect them! its really easy, haha), so god knows why posts like that are made!

i think the banners would be a good idea for mlm-only blogs that are truly nb supportive, to try and weed out parts of the community that post shit like that.

tldr; anon said it was a good idea to make dni banners for mlm-only blogs that say "enbyphobes dni" and things like that, and i agreed because ive been seeing really aggressive enbyphobia in the community for a bit.

#ask #anon #long post #text heavy #not receipts

[teriyaki-rager]

Ya know what I’ve realized more and more,,, people really hate using the lesbian flag. Like I get that the lesbian flag has gone thru a lot of discourse and changes but when people exclude lesbian flags (especially companies selling pride merch of most other sexualities EXCEPT lesbian) it really invalidates lesbians. Like we exist and we matter people forget that way too often.

And I think it goes hand in hand with decades long lesbian exclusion. Like I saw a comedian once hit it on the nose that people don’t “get” lesbians because there’s usually not a penis involved (my trans lesbian sisters being the loved exception 💛). Like they get gay men, they may not like it, but they don’t get how lesbians exist without the need for a man. It’s like how everyone always asks a lesbian couple “who’s the man?” Like neither of us, that’s kind of the point.

And a lot of straight men see lesbians as a fetish. Like if you look for lesbian p•rn or media, it is often put through a male gaze. Lesbians in all media usually exist to feed off a male fantasy of wanting to see two women make out or something, but I dont exist for a man. My sexuality and who I choose to love don’t exist for a man. I couldn’t give less of a shit if a man thinks I’m hot and it makes me very uncomfortable that my sexuality is so often overlooked and fetishized, and it made me even more uncomfortable when I was underage.

Hell, all of that is the biggest reason I only started actually calling myself a lesbian in the last 12 months or so. It’s been an uphill battle from the moment I first heard the word lesbian, when my mom talked about my neighbor’s daughter “deciding she was a lesbian” when I was a kid.

That was such a huge point in my life because deep down it cemented the idea that I wasn’t supposed to be a lesbian. My mom could live with me being bi or pan, because at least there was a chance I’d be in a straight presenting relationship. I always strived to keep at least one foot in the liking men door, for my family and for my reputation, but it didn’t work. My friends knew I was a lesbian years before I did.

So when companies refuse to sell lesbian pride merch, or when Google almost includes the lesbian flag in their doodle of the day for Marsha P Johnson then they don’t, it feels like a punch in the gut.

I was even searching on Amazon for lesbian pride merch, and I found like 5 things that were actually the lesbian flag, everything else was just generic non-straight, rainbow flag.

TL;DR stop invalidating lesbians and our struggles by refusing to include our flag.