#7 years later this is where we are!

[checanty]

I just noticed I didn't tell you yet--which is shameful as it is Tumblr where the Mermaid Scientist was born! My Mermaid Book was picked up by Eye of Newt and is available for pre-order right now (it's coming out very soon, though, so any orders should make it until Christmas if that's a concern of yours)! If you're in North America, I'd suggest ordering directly through my publisher's website, however it's available anywhere you'd usually order books. You can ask your favourite indie book shop to order it for you or--if there's no other option or you're worried about crazy shipping costs where you live--it's available via the place starting with A, which shall otherwise not be named, as well. Please note: This is an edited version of the original book. It's shorter, but with more coherent world building and a beautiful new layout and design. It's a proper field guide now!

#Mermaid book #books #mermaids #field guide #art book #this makes me a traditionally published author-illustrator now :DDD #when we talked about editing the book for publication my publisher was like #we love Dr Lillefisk #Let's keep her! #Now she's in the title! #I made her up on a whim! #Her name is just grammatically incorrect Swedish #I love it so much #just thinking about how everything started and came together #and the book changed and grew and now #7 years later this is where we are! #my publisher send me the video btw #I can't wait to get the book myself!!

[aria0fgold]

Whenever I read posts about chocolate being poisonous to cats, I always think back to our old cat. We didn't know what was poisonous to cats back then and he was like our first big pet (once had hamsters before him), so whatever we were eating, we'd give a bit of it to him ever since he was a kitten. That included chocolate.

We had like a jar of chocolate candies with caramel inside. And we would leave out a small piece to give to him and he was always perfectly fine so we always stock up on those candies cuz it became a sort of treat for him. We'd even give him a whole piece sometimes.

Thinking back on it now, it felt like we just gave him an immunity to it by giving him small pieces of what is supposedly poison.

#aria rants #a built diff typa cat #now that i remember it #there WAS a moment where he was at death's door back then #he was a kitten still and vets were expensive so we did home remedies instead #we paid close attention to him. especially my older sister she would care for him 24/7 #we didnt know what happened or what he ate then but days later he was fully recovered #that mightve been the chocolate actually #though he never got sick after that day #its been years since he passed and ill forever love him

[stayteezdreams]

Sorry for still not posting. Things are still a bit complicated and rough in my personal life.

xx

#post #update #sort of #delete later #Im still here #just lurking and relogging mostly #I do want to write but my brain wont really let me #i guess for some context: my dad and mom were sick and in and out hospitals since january this year #my dad ended up on hospice and died two weeks later (on Feb 28th) #my mom came home but her health is not well either #I have been her caretaker for over 5 years #its getting to the point where she might end up on hospice too #she might be in End Stage COPD #she goes through phases of being perfectly fine #to needing to be watched and taken care of 24/7 #so its been rough #dl #personal #I am also dealing with probate and estate stuff with my dads death #we are tight on money and stressed #and there is also a brother who is deciding to make my life hell #so yeah... #things are rough #bare with me #lol #i'll be back eventually I just hope you guys are still here #<3

[pepprs]

also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!

#purrs #delete later #sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me #and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take #care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight #and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not #an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid #and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and #keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top #priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she #cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and #then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma #onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and #nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l #lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day? #ask to tag #like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f #far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls #LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all #* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy #human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha

[maddy-ferguson]

i spent two hours (two hours) with my "friends" from school today and i'm MISERABLE roman voice you need to stop this (@ me)

#and like i say: brf slt #forgot to say we were literally sitting down. in class. taking notes. like there's genuinely no reason for THAT to make me feel this bad! #i'm not even bad at talking to people i never talk to again in class or only hang out with in school not having real friends doesn't bother #me because i have friends outside of school but it's my third year so everyone already has established groups of friends and it's :/ like #on monday in my first class of the year the girl sitting next to me was very nice we talked and we have more classes in common like apart #from the big ones where everyone's here the ones where it's only maybe 30 people. so i'm like that's fun i hope i see her again and i did #but she's friends with the bigger group of friends my friends who don't actually like me are friends with like my non friend's boyfriend's #friends so THEIR friends. like what are the odds. i guess not that crazy because there's only maybe 200 of us or 150 i have no idea #but still #but anyway #today we have one of these classes where it's not everyone but it was like another group of students so it was #me. this girl i've been hanging out with for two years who i didn't want to keep hanging out with at the end of the year because of the way #she reacted to something i did that was like an honest mistake she took it wayyy too seriously and said some things i didn't like i was #like girl fuck you😭 except then they kept the exact same groups AND I DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE and it was four months later so i actually #sat next to her and we were together for projects and things like that like my bad. that's on me. #and on her first day last year she met a girl who wasn't in our university the year before and they became bffs basically so it was them + #me. and i like the second girl better i think but she's insanely judgey like not to be like i'm so much better than her but i grew out of #the criticizing everyone 24/7 because it's genuinely a fun activity for me and i enjoy it mindset when i left middle school because the one #friend who liked it as much as me went to a different high school and i stopped seeing her every day. i made a post saying this in january #then during the second semester we became friends with another person i don't wanna explain how. we worked on a thing together for class #basically. them i genuinely like even though i don't think we would actually hang out out of school and have that many things to say to #each other. but they're more friends with girl 1 and girl 2 than they are with me because well i'm not comfortable with them so i talk less #than i would if i was comfortable. and there's also person 3's partner we have a few classes with who's cool but same as person 3 with the #being closer to girl 1 and girl 2 even though they're not even that close. but like. yeah idk #they just (girl 1 and girl 2) make me feel like i'm the weird kid in middle school and that wasn't even my middle school experience i'm #gonna let that happen to me NOW AT 22 YEARS OF AGE? #but last year it was like fine actually it's crazy how one class two hours made me rethink it all #but it's also awkward because like am i just gonna go sit all by myself because i don't wanna hang out with them. especially because we #still have a group thing we're gonna have to do until the end of the year that we started last year and it's not like i'd wanna switch #groups because they're a good group to work with. like they actually do the work. and i guess we only have two classes where it's. tag limi

[fridayiminlcve]

god i fucking hate college

#it's not like the teachers are bad it's not like i hate my classmates! it's just so so exhausting and for what #they have four classes a day 2hr*1 and 1.5hr*3 #we have to reach at 7am i usually go by the public bus which is either at 6:27am or 7:02am so obviously i hate 6:27 #and the bus stop is a 6 minute walk and on the other side of the road! the bus station is also liks a 10min walk from college! #which SOUNDS less but im a pretty fast walker so 300m+700m in the morning itself not counting the four flights of stairs! at 6:40am! #AND these bitches have the audacity to keep four classes a day out of which 2 are revision or doubt solving classes #but of course it's been two weeks since school so they're still not giving much work! it's only coaching! and it fucking sucks!!!! #because we haven't studied as much yet that we'll be stuck with doubts so without a question we waste a period or two just doing #ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING #it's so so exhausting i hate it #and where i live they do call jr year and sr year of school as jr college but there's nothing collegey about it except the no dress code #so they don't let you leave the campus early😃😃 it's so fucking tiring i want to scream in their face what are they thinking #don't keep doubts sessions so early on in the year for the love of god #delete later

[bokatan]

today has been Not Great and I’m having the hardest time trying to decide if I need to draw something Soft or if I need to put one of the barbies in the microwave again

#probably delete later if I don’t forget about it lmao #fuck man. finding out your 7 year old cat probably has lymphoma is a fucking trip let me tell you #by ‘probably’ I mean it was a strong positive so at this point we need to see where it’s at for treatment options #fortunately it’s pointing at the less aggressive form but it’s still fucking lymphoma so it’s not like we can just remove it #he doesn’t even act sick either that’s the worst part. only issue rn is megacolon and he’s been doing better since I increased his meds #granted this isn’t his first cancer scare but this is the most solid one. previously it was just a differential to rule out #anyways im done yelling about it I need to keep myself busy with non-cat related things for a bit

[uiruu]

jesus... Streetlight Manifesto's The Hands that Thieve is 10 years old this year... that's weird to think about. that was such a formative moment for me. i was a junior in high school and had been into Streetlight for years, but the release of this album was huge. i got a bunch of friends together and we drove down to rhode island (we live in new hampshire) to see them play live, and we sang all the words to every single song. that was the first real concert i had been to

i saw them live three times after that too, over the years. in college, i wore a streetlight manifesto shirt (actually toh kay, but that's beside the point) and another kid in the class commented on it, and we became friends. eventually we started dating and we're still together. that was 7 and a half years ago

#it was so formative that i just copied and pasted this and posted it on facebook. i havent really posted on facebook in years #but i know connor and liam might see it #i went to that first concert with those two and my girlfriend at the time and one of her friends #well... initially it was a girl i merely had a crush on and one of her friends. except the roles were reversed #between the time of buying the tickets and going to the concert... me and the friend of the girl i had a crush on started dating #she was my first significant other. it was weird then to go with her and her friend (who i initially invited because i had a crush on her) #did i explain that well enough? let's call them K and B. i asked out K and she said no lol. months pass #we all got into this new streetlight album pretty heavily. i suggested we go see them live. then B and i started dating #was it weird that K was still going then after that? idk lol. we havent kept in touch since high school. wonder where she is now #B and i had a pretty awful horrible breakup a year or two later for unrelated reasons. it was always a pretty bad relationship. #it is weird though that 2 of the 3 significant others that i've had have basically been because of streetlight manifesto lol #it's just that one was a bad relationship and the other is very strong and has lasted for 7 years. going on 8. #streetlight has kinda been the backdrop to a lot of things that happened in my life lol #and to think... somewhere in the between is just way better hahaha. hands that thieve is good but lets be honest here #personal #long post

[sunflowervolvimp3]

happy valentine’s day i think i am officially over my ex!! everyone say yay!!

#only took 7 and a half months 😃 #but feels good i have accepted we were not a good match romantically for each other #can we ever be friends again? idk at this moment it feels like no but maybe in the future #i remember seeing on insta in like. november that she’s coming home this week #part of me wants to see her because i haven’t in a year since i last visited #but like. just to have a ‘where are you at’ dramatic convo lmao i don’t think i could handle just casually hanging out #and i also think the chances of her telling me she’s back are 0.000001% #but i don’t feel guilty about dating again and i don’t feel awful at the thought of her dating again #playlists have been deleted!! photos have been deleted!! social media has been unfollowed!! #it feels nice #this became way longer than i thought it would oops #delete later

[uglyshirtsinc]

Idea 1: Vanessa quits her job

This idea is based on my interpretation that the Vanessa we see in Security Breach isn't really her; it's Vanny controlling her. Vanessa's consciousness is there, but all that she can do is just watch, like viewing your own life through an old television.

So after the 3-star ending, Vanessa would be left with a job that requires skills that "she" technically never had. She can't just pull up Vannys memories (which i have her being able to do because extra pain :D) because there are no memories of how to do that job, a final "f*ck you :D" to Vanessa from Vanny before she left.

(I feel this needs a bit more of an explanation. Vanny had an instinctive knowledge of how to use any electronic device, courtesy of Glitchtrap/Afton. This meant that she never had to read any instructions for any of the surveilance equipment that she used on the job. She also never looked down at keyboards when she typed the passwords needed to access the security computers sinceVanny had all the passwords to herself. All this means is that when Vanessa looks back at these memories, they are effectively useless.)

So now all Vanessa has left are her own memories of watching herself push random buttons that do random things. It would be like trying to learn how to fly a plane solely by watching someone else do it.

Vanessa also realizes that she'd have to still assist lost children after hours, a thought that truly scares her. It's not because she doesn't like children, no. In fact, I believe Vanessa used to work really well with children due to her former position as a video game tester/coder. This might not make much sense, but is elaborated upon in idea 2.

It is also stated in the game in one of the logs that you can find that she was not recommended for a position as a security guard, so it just makes sense for her to leave afer being freed.

So she would put in her 2 weeks notice, but not before working out some special deal with the plex that allows her and Greg the gremlin of chaos to visit the pizzaplex whenever they want and for any length of time.

As for what job she would try to go back to? It would be her old job of beta testing and coding. She was evidently very good at it based on those cut AR emails. It might sound like tempting fate, but I think that Vanessa would be a heck of a lot more careful this time if she was put back on the VR project. That assumes that the project is still even active.

That way she can make sure that what happened to her, never happens to anyone again.

HI FIRST OFF I KNOW ID SAID ID ANSWER THEM BEFORE TONIGHT BUT THE BIRTHDAY GIRL GOT STUCK UNDER THE TRAMPOLINE BY HER HEAD AND GOT INJURED AND HONESTLY IT WAS A WHOLE ISSUE, MAYBE NOT AN ANIMATRONIC BEAR BITE BUT A HEAD WOUND IS A HEAD WOUND

im a huge fan of the vanessa under aftons control/vanessa under aftons control personality separation so this is already right up my alley. hopefully she'd learn her lesson and not reassemble random ass tapes left that very obviously arent meant to be there solely for curiosities sake smh

i was tryna think on how working the deal with fazcorp or whatever its called but like, she ran around chasing a third grader in a highly dangerous area where a tiny creepy crawley is in the vents, said animatronics are practically trying to MAUL this kid and it was caught on camera multiple times- with faz franchises record i have no doubt they'd "sweep it under the rug, it's probably fine"

#fnaf #asks #I WANNA ADD THE INJURY PART WAS NOT A JOKE #she stumbled and fell but because shes yknow SEVEN and SHORT she didnt hit the ring but went UNDER it and got nicked really REALLY badly by #a spring #imagine youre me and youre at the store because you had to leave early to stop by your work to fix your schedule and pick up something and- #you got your mom flowers but knows shes stayed late at the party so you call to ask when shes coming home and where a vase is #and the first thing she says upon answering is cant talk ill explain later something happened #at a ONE YEAR OLD CHILDS BIRTHDAY PARTY #THIS WAS THE BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR A LITERAL BABY WHAT DO YOU MEAN SOMETHING HAPPENED #i went back home to wait for my dad to drop off my sister and while im putting away groceries she calls to explain my seven year old niece #is going to need STITCHES because of a HEAD INJURY #and im like okay so my brother (her dad) is taking her to the er right #WRONG ACTUALLY #because we have a military family dynamic and were taught if ya hurt yourself ya wont be taken to the ER and mom'll use duct tape to fix it #and i know our mom was joking when she said it because no parent actually would do that #MY BROTHER APPARENTLY DIDNT BECAUSE THEY STUCK A HEADBAND WITH GAUZE ON HER HEAD AND CALLED IT A DAY???? #anyway tldr my 7 yo niece was at her baby sisters birthday party and got a head injury because she got caught on a spring of a trampoline #anyway shes okay but we're regularly waking her up to make sure she isnt like concussed or smthn #i hope she didnt pick up no diseases or anything from it #lets play the game of will tumblr let me keep all these tags

[glacierfront]

i do think jenna coleman is suitable for a alternate julie fc.....

#zoe and i have done a lot of writing and chatting and every so often we share a clara gifset and are like. julie #its about the gifsets where her eyes are moving everywhere. and the gifsets where she's confidently mischievous #ooc #and the gifsets where she's like confused about why the love exists. u know?? #like 7 years later im like 'what i fi just....... what if sherry and julie looked similar'

[dragoninahumancostume]

I have no idea what the adults in my life have done to me that made me hate them so badly but I literally can't trust them. Over 18? Yeah fuck off and don't talk to me. You're a danger to me having a good day. GET OUT.

#Actually this is probably because most of them don't have enough patience #I remember with so much hatred this one science teacher I had that scolded me FOR WRITING A LITTLE OFF OF THE SQUARES #She was like “You can't do that! DO NOT do this ever again!” like ma'am it's just a notebook it only matters that I can study from ir #And not even that because back then I didn't study and still got good grades lmao #I still hate that teacher #Or this one time I don't remember why I was doing but I had my head inside my P.E. bag bc it smelled nice #And it was pink so the light getting through the cloth or whatever it was made of looked really nice #But I was in the middle of an explanation so obviously the PE teacher got mad at me but like #I was probably like 7 or 8 I was a kid and I was dumb also the class was boring and I needed something interesting #Like I get that she was upset but come on literally a gentle tap in the shoulder would've done the job better than calling me to explain the #activity with all my classmates looking at me. Like that's embarrassing and by then I already hated being the center of attention #And this one time we had a thing for English class where we had to create a short story in a group and present it in English to everyone #And the bitch that I had as teacher had a headache when we were meant to present it. So I stop in front of the class and I realized everyon #Everyone was looking so I asked the teacher to let us do it later and she answered with a loud voice that she couldn't do that #And she was so pissed. And I started crying. In front of everyone. What a nice experience for an 8 year old to have don'tcha think #Fuck i hate her so badly

[pepprs]

#to translate this post: someone liked this post i made (on the upper left) on AUGUST 28 having a moment of self awareness that i was running #away from my whole life and not moving or learni ng to drive or anything. it is now march 8. it has been almost 7 months. and i have made #basically zero progress. and there is nothing stopping me but me. i could read the drivers manual and whatever whenever i want. but i am not #doing anything. and i don’t know how to get myself to start. #purrs #i know it’s a cop out excuse but i truly do think it’s covid. i think being in lockdown for a year and a half made me just let go of any #sense of progress. made me scared to take steps forward. and i mean i did bc i lived on campus for a while after that but it’s like.. EVERY #part of my life is stagnant rn it seems. and it’s not just me it’s my siblings too. we’re all getting older but none of us is trying to move #out or gain our independence in any way and my brother isn’t even looking for jobs even though he needs one. we’re all just getting older #but we’ve lost (or maybe had knocked out of us by covid and our mom being so strict) any sense of moving ipward and spreading our wings. #forgotten we have wings at all. and ive done important things like going on a house tour or traveling with my besties (<3). but i have only #made it to page 8 of the drivers manual and i truly do not want to read the rest of it. i have only been on one house tour and im longing to #move out but how much am i really because i can’t bring myself to schedule another tour and start searching for a new home in earnest. #i just come home every day UTTERLY exhausted and spend all my free time trying to process or rest. and im not making room for myself to use #my wings. and it’s truly terrible. why are we all okay with living like this. my younger self would be HORRIFIED if she saw how much i had a #atrophied since graduating and moving back home. my brighton self would be HORRIFIED. i told myself i wouldn’t and then it’s exactly what i #did. and ik im being harsh and ive spread my wings in some important ways during this time but… these are so obvious. such low hanging #fruit in some ways. bc any 16 year old can take this test and pass it so why can’t i at 24? why won’t i let myself? dont i want a nice cozy #home i make my own where i can eat what i want and sleep when i want and have control over sounds? then why am i not running for it? #delete later #i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth i am wasting my youth 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 my one precious life 😃😃😃😃😃😃😃😃 #also LMFAOOOOO the next tag on that aug 28 post was that i need to get a new campus id card… guess who hasn’t done that either ♥️

[brattylikestoeat]

So let’s talk about Flex.

I’ve been getting email from them and my apartment complex. Flex is a new payment options where they take your rent and divide it over two to four payments. But of course flex has it own fee.

So essentially Flex pays your rent with a fee and you pay flex back. Sounds good right.

But I did some digging because they are pushing this so hard.

Come to find out, Flex is horrible. It doesn’t tell you how much the fee is until you sign up. Once you sign up it’s damm near impossible to get out of it.

So let’s say you need to split September rent, but in October you are fine. You still have to go thru flex and pay the fee.

Then I found this article. Not only could the lady not get out of flex, she ended up oweing them about 1k in fees.

That article also states that Flex as a business has 1 out of 5 stars on BBB. Their customer service is damm never nonexistent.

But I think we are missing a bigger issue. Apartments are pushing flex because they know people can not afford the rent. And because people can’t afford the rent there are more evictions and loss of payment. So instead of lowering the rent they push flex. They want it to seem like they are helping when they are not.

Most people get evicted and the apartment never get their money. 7 years later it falls off your credit report.

So to keep people in these buildings and to keep a steady income they offer some shit like flex.

It’s predatory and will most likely leave a tenant in worst standing than before.

Please don’t use it.

#my post

[dumb-fictionkin-sideblog]

Saw a post going around that said "use this picrew to make you now + you as a kid" and I thought it was fun :)

#the 'moles' arent really moles btw i tried to represent my acne bc i have/always have had a lot of it #i used to have pierced ears but around age 12-13 it started making me dysphoric so i dropped it and the holes closed up over time #i had so much dysphoria when i didnt know what trans meant... #i was also kind of a bully withiut realizing because expressing affection is weird and i was kind of a tsundere type kid honestly #sent a few friends to the doctors without realizing because i fought with them a lot physically as a way to express affection #...except i went way overboard and no one ever told me because i was too intimidating. only learned about it years later #i had problems with self control and never knew how much strength i had/was using at any given moment so it caused. problems #nothing permanent thankfully #i selected round eyes for my kid self for the Vibe but ive always had almond-shaped eyes. it didnt like. change #everyone else in my family has roundish shaped eyes so we have no idea where /that/ gene comes from lol #i never stopped wearing hoodies though. there are a few habits i picked up at that age that i never let go of #(namely: im very weird about clothes.) #sunny #picrew #it has been a WHILE since i've posted a picrew here. damn #other notes: selected a smile for the vibes but me never smiling was actually a real problem. #i had to train myself to smile in front of my mom because she wouldn't shut up about it and got upset at me constantly for it #(i had the tbh creature straight face 24/7 and she took it as a show of disrespect which. what) #also i do have moles on my face other than the acne i just have a lot more acne than i have moles so. its more important

[silverislander]

i know my anxiety is irrational and comprised of previous negative experiences instead of an accurate prediction of the future bc it still tries to make me feel bad about objectively funny things that no longer even align with my morals as a person

#did i ever tell yall abt how im the reason a choir i was in couldnt post a nice video. i singlehandedly ruined it #they were recording us reacting to the big revelation of where we would be going on our choir trip next year and we were HYPED UP #or at least i was. they were dragging it out and i was super excited #finally after 3 separate speeches and like 10mins of buildup (im not kidding) they told us we were going to... #literal drum roll. a guy in the drum section of the brass band was doing a drum roll. really funny guy i remember he was cool #... toronto!! (this was very exciting i had never been to toronto and i love getting to travel anywhere new) #and everyone was reacting positively and i loudly went 'OH MY GOD' bc i was excited #now the thing is. i had been trying not to swear anymore bc i felt like i did it too much (i was deep in religion at this point in my life #(the worst thing i would ever say was hell and that felt like a slur) (i was miserable 24/7 bc i had such high standards for myself) #and the other thing is. this was a church choir. we were IN the sanctuary at the time #multiple people turned to GLARE/stare at me and istg i felt smth inside me die a little i was beyond mortified #and i know they were recording our reaction bc i saw multiple people doing it. but no video was ever posted in the end 😭 #i know 100% that was my fault bc i am very loud. you could absolutely hear me on that video + nobody else had that huge reaction #anyway. in the moment i was embarrassed but nowadays its so funny considering how i and those people turned out #i didnt even go on that trip i dropped out of the choir 3mos later bc i hated it there lmao #levi.txt #and now i think the fuck word is like top five most used words in my vocabulary and im not religious anymore. character growth #im nice to people and not weirdly judgemental abt whether their choices fit my moral standards #and most importantly of all im reasonably happy these days bc i dont try to make myself act like someone im not all the time! #i cant believe my brain still pulls that memory out sometimes to try and make me feel bad bc it just. does not work anymore