#I don't really know why I put myself through this tag torture

[nerdylilpeebee]

I am not one to put myself into discourse but I really need to explain something to you,

As a Palestinian you need to understand that Hamas aren't killing babies, those 40 Israeli babies were made up, this had been confirmed over and over again. Palestine is older then Israel, Isreal only started existing after WW2, Palestinian's welcomed them but we're faced with Starvation,genocide, rape and bombing in return.

It is currently Ramadan, a time of fasting from sunrise till sundown, yet they have no food nor water to have before this period.

13,000 innocent children have died. Over 300+ not even making it to their first birthday. Girls and woman are experiencing periods and pregnancy without proper supplies. Isreal is not struggling, they have received over 300+ billion dollars in support from the U.S.A alone. You're ignorance isn't some "I'm better and different" stunt. You are actively supporting the death of entire bloodlines and families.

Don't you dare pull "Well, what if their Hamas" Isreal has proved they can bomb a specific room to kill them. This isn't about Hamas, Isreal is wiping out entire families, lives, homes, etc.

They're killing innocent animals too.

To put this in your shoes, imagine if you were bombed, raped and tortured, not knowing if you were going to make it to the next day, you're being starved. Whilst media is actively supporting your nightmare, funding it, even.

Before you pull the Hamas card on me, I have been raised with Western media and in America. I find myself lucky for this even though my people are struggling.

Please, scroll through pro-Palestine tags without bringing your opinion into the matter to see what is going on. I beg.

No, honey, actually it wasn't disproven. The people who tried said "yeah, babies were beheaded, but it wasn't 40 of them." XD

Palestine is not older than Israel. There are references to Israel in the Torah, which is older than Islam. And no, the Palestinians did not "welcome Israel". XD that is blatantly false.

And really? So tell me, why do they know for sure these 13k kids have died but can't name how many of their hostages are alive? Please explain that to me. How is that possible?

Okay? Israel not struggling doesn't mean anything. XD Being weak and having your government steal the billions in foreign aid to make themselves rich does not make a war against you a genocide.

I'm not supporting the deaths of anybody, and It is 100% about Hamas, Israel literally sends warnings in an effort to avoid civilian casualties. Even if Hamas isn't lying (incredibly unlikely) they have killed less than most wars have in the modern era.

Even if I was in their shoes, honey, I wouldn't want people siding with my oppressors because westerners decided the terrorists who'd murder me for speaking against them and consider everyone I know and love to be martyrs they're happy to sacrifice are resistance fighters. And hell, there are Palestinians who hold this very stance, who knows that Hamas is the fucking problem not Israel, westerners like you just ignore them.

You were raised in America and with western media? Cool. Doesn't change that you're falling for propaganda. XD being raised in the West does not make you immune to propaganda.

And no, I will not let idiots spread misinformation, and I will not let them villainize the Jews because Israel is actually defending itself when terrorists attack them and kidnap their people instead of laying down and dying.

I have paid plenty of attention to what's happening, including from the Pro-Pal side, I just happen to know terrorists aren't the good guys just cuz they play to people's sympathy and use their own people as human shields to make Israel look like the villain.

Just cuz it didn't lead me to agree with you doesn't mean I haven't been exposing myself to Pro-Pal talking points and "evidence."

#tvp discourse #long post #israel #arab israeli conflict #hamas #gaza

[sweetmage]

If you have a moment would you mind going thru how Wyll's character changed from early access to the current game? What was the feedback on him in early access/what caused the changes? I'm curious about it, I paid no attention to this game at all until I bought it a month or so ago on a whim, so I don't know much about the early access happenings.

Hi! Thanks for the question, I'd be happy to answer!

I actually still have my early access version of the game so I have been going through and recording scenes to upload to a playlist for people's comparisons. This is on hold for the moment because I've been very sick the past week or so, but when I return to it and begin uploads I can tag you if you'd like!

As for a brief summary of the differences. Wyll had quite a different origin story that was heavily tied to the goblins.

*Note: lease excuse me if I misremember something or if I leave out another big difference, it's been a bit! If anyone has a correction/addition I'll update this post.

The entire blighted village was a pretty big story location for him (killing goblins was kind of his thing) and it was the Goblin torturer Spike that took his eye.

He was also taking a more proactive role in tracking down Mizora, going to such lengths as even torturing a man (on Spike's orders) in exchange for information on her whereabouts.

Early Access Wyll seemed to have more of an internal struggle about his role as a hero. While he was still very charming, kind hearted, and an amazing friend he clearly possessed a darker side such as his burning rage for goblins, occasional arrogance, and the aforementioned torture scene.

He also used to have a romance scene at the tiefling party in which Mizora interrupts which seems to really distress him. From that + some datamined voice clips, it would seem that Mizora was a slightly more sinister figure prior to the rewrite.

As for the complaints, if you can believe it, they were basically the same. He's boring, he's useless, he's annoying, etc. I also used to see people singling him out as being untrustworthy and implying his kindness was wholly a facade (which I did not and do not agree with when it comes to Early Access Wyll).

In the full release he was made more objectively and clearly good, his story was more front loaded with big events to make him "more interesting", and a lot of the details of his story were changed. Yet still the exact same complaints exist.

Personally I like both Wylls. I think there is something interesting in both! I just don't think he should have been changed to appease people who clearly would complain about him no matter what, especially when it comes at the heavy price of him having a lot less content than anyone else.

Most of the things referenced can be found in this playlist I put together of other people's existing EA Wyll videos though its wholly incomplete + there are rarely variants of the scenes since he was unfortunately never documented well (why I want to go back and do it myself).

#sorry for any typos i am not feeling well atm so my brain is foggy. hopefully this made sense! #bg3 spoilers #baldur's gate 3 #wyll ravengard

[awakefor48hours]

The Maribug Fic -- Rewritten

[Fanfiction.net] || [AO3]

[Chapter 2 >]

Fandom: Miraculous Ladybug Relationship: Maribug/Ladynette Tags: Crack fic, No beta, I will update this every time someone asks Characters: Marinette Dupain Cheng | Ladybug, Adrien Agreste | Cat Noir (more to be added later) No warnings

Summary: Cat Noir asks Ladybug an important but difficult question to answer. So she tells him a ridiculous lie. What's the worst that could happen?

Woohoo, I'm stable enough to write this. If you don't know, last year, I tried to write a Maribug fic but I was fighting some of the worst depression in my life and I could tell the fanfiction was suffering because of that. But I'm better now. Also, this is going to take place at the same time as the original fanfiction (a little before Kwami's Choice special and a little after Elation). Now without further, onto the crack.

Cat Noir and Ladybug were sitting on a roof of a building watching the sunset after spending the day on patrol. Fortunately, there wasn't much disturbance today. Just a few kittens stuck in trees.

"I wish patrol was like this every day, M'Lady." Cat Noir commented.

"I do too but as we both know, that unrealistic." She then stood up about to leave only for Cat Noir to stop her.

"Before you go, M'Lady, can I ask you a question?"

She turned to face him and just said "yeah, sure, go ahead."

"Okay, so I've been wondering... why have you only given a Miraculous to Marinette Dupain Cheng once?"

Other than being Multimouse, technically speaking... she has given a Miraculous to Marinette Dupain Cheng. In fact, she's given a lot of Miraculouses to Marinette Dupain Cheng. But of course he wouldn't know that.

"Cat, don't you remember? I can't give a Miraculous to Marinette Dupain Cheng. We both know her identity!"

Cat Noir scratched the back of his head. "I know about that but this isn't the first time we've both known the identity of a holder. We both know Ryuko's identity, Bunnyx's identity, Pegasus's identity." Why did he have to make good arguments now? "In fact, when you gave Chloe the Bee Miraculous, the whole world knew her identity. Not to mention, along with being a great a holder of the Mouse Miraculous, she's one of the few people in Paris who still hasn't been akumatized." Not an easy task. "It's also doesn't hurt that her parents have the best bakery in all of Paris. So, I just don't understand why you gave her the Mouse Miraculous once."

She had to think of something to say but it was really hard. She wasn't expecting questions like this and he made some damn good points.

Think Marinette, think! What is a totally believable reason for not giving herself a Miraculous without blowing her identity?

"I, uh, have a crush on Marinette."

Was it too late to reveal her identity?

"You do!?" Cat Noir sat up in surprise but also... intrigue.

"Yeah... I... have... a... crush on... Marinette Dupain Cheng." What is she even saying? "So in order to stop myself from getting distracted on the job, I just... I just haven't given her another Miraculous."

She could see the gears turning in Cat Noir's head. He probably already saw through her lie. "That's actually a great decision!" Or maybe he didn't see through her lie. "You're already losing your composure just thinking about her."

"Yeah... I sure am!" She started gesturing wildly. "If I think about Marinette for too long, a villain could definitely take my Miraculous easily. So it's best that I just don't get distracted."

Cat Noir stood up and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "You made such a great choice."

Ladybug laughed lightly. "You're, uh, not gonna tell anyone about this, right?"

Cat Noir took a step back and bowed at her. "Not even if the most heinous akuma tries to torture it out of me."

"Gooooood." She was thankful for that at least.

"I'll see you around, Ladybug." Was the last thing Cat Noir said to her before using his pole to catapult himself into the air, leaving Ladybug alone.

She watched him for a few moments before heading home herself. When dropped into her room, she detransformed and reality finally caught up to her and it hit her like a truck.

"AAAAA!" She screamed, then started her head against the wall. "I TOLD CAT NOIR I HAVE A CRUSH ON... MYSELF!"

She then tightly grabbed her hair, almost to the point of pulling it out. "This is a disaster! A disaster! A disaster! A DISASTER!"

Tikki flew to her eye level. "Calm down, Marinette. It's not the end of the world."

Marinette now focused on Tikki. "It might as well be! I already blew my chance at being with Adrien and now I just my chance at being with Cat Noir! I'M SO LAME!"

So glad I took that break because I'm already loving this rewrite more. (Also like my Adrichat fic, new chapter comes out when someone asks for it)

#when my people stop attacking my wife (ao3) i'll post this there #my fanfiction #selfcest #ladynette #maribug #marinette dupain cheng #chat noir #cat noir

[hughungrybear]

15 people, 15 questions

I got tagged by @telomeke (the link to their post is here). Thanks for the tag! 😊

1. Are you named after anyone?

I came from a predominantly Catholic country so it is common to name babies after saints. Ironically, despite my saintly name, I was a real Tasmanian devil to my parents, teachers, and peers 😅

2. When was the last time you cried?

The last time that I sincerely cried was when my Dad passed away. I was eleven. After that, every event that made me "cry" barely wet my eyes 😅

3. Do you have kids?

No, and I don't plan to have any. I like kids - especially when I can hand them back to their respective mothers 😅 I don't have anything against motherhood, but I can barely support myself. Under the circumstances, it is not wise to bring another life into this world that I cannot support.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Oh boy. I used to do track and field, basketball, and soccer (football) when I was still in elementary (grade) school. However, my conservative home country deems these sports as too "manly" and therefore not appropriate for a growing 'lady'. So, they made me switch to cheer dance😤. Well, let's just say I have never danced again ever since lol.

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Let's just say that sometimes, using sarcasm is the only way to retain my sanity 😅

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

The tone and shift of voice when they talk. Not entirely sure why though 😅😅😅

7. What’s your eye color?

Hazel brown with hints of darkest grey.

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Definitely happy endings. I will not subject myself to torture by watching horror films/series no matter how critically acclaimed it is. That's because I have a very vivid imagination and I really love a peaceful sleep 🥲

9. Any talents?

Does mixing chemicals and formulating new adhesive products count? 😅 I can play the keyboard, and write poems and short stories (although, it's been a long time since I wrote my last one). I also do embroidery during my spare time.

10. Where were you born?

Funny story. I was born on the eve of our town's patron saint's day. Before the feast day, the town's roads are closed in preparation for the upcoming festivities. Unfortunately, my mum's water broke during an intense cleaning session of our house on the eve of the feast. Since the roads were closed, my father and grandma (my mother's mum) were forced to call a midwife and perform a home birth. Curiously, I did not cry as my mum pushed my small baby form out of her womb. Fearing that I was a stillbirth, the midwife had put me near an electric stove to help warm me up. It was only then that poor baby me started to cry (to the relief of everyone around)😅

TLDR: I was born at home but only showed a definitive sign of life in our old family kitchen.

11. What are your hobbies?

Reading books, scrolling through various socmed (Nowadays, though, it's mostly Tumblr and Reddit), and listening to some brand new music.

12. Do you have any pets?

When I was still living in my home country, I used to have dogs. However, moving to Australia, I was forced to leave them behind with our trusted relatives. We still Facetime though, so there's that.

13. How tall are you?

Sadly, I'm five feet flat, I am still hoping for some (miracle) growth spurt even in my thirties lol

14. Favorite subject in school?

I love history. I love reading about the beginning of things. I also had high grades in literature simply because I am an advanced reader (that is, I have already read the books on my teacher's list even before they have released them to the class).

15. Dream job

Somewhere where deadlines are a mere suggestion lol

Onward tagging (I know some of you have already done this, but give this poor hungry bear a break, I'm running out of people to tag: @lost-my-sanity1, @sparklyeyedhimbo, @imlivingformyselfdontmindme, @waitmyturtles, @dimplesandfierceeyes, @plantsarepeopletoo, @actually-yikes, @dribs-and-drabbles, @ablazenqueen, @alan-apologist, @ellasaru12, @queersouthasian, @lamonnaie, @rei-the-head-shaker and anybody else who wants to play😊

#tag game #15 people 15 questions

[clairelsonao3]

Writer Q&A Tag Game

Thank you to @winterandwords for tagging me in this one! I love Q&As, I don't care what the questions are!

1. What motivates you to write?

The pursuit of fame and fortune.

Just kidding. No, in all honesty, there was a time when I was obsessed with writing for the market. I still want to make money with my fiction someday, I'm not gonna lie. But actually, it's always been about telling stories that I know no one else will tell and that need to be told. If I'm that invested in a story, nothing will stop me from finishing it.

2. A line/short snippet of your writing that you are most proud/happy of. If not maybe share a line of someone else's work you love (just please credit them)

This is the last section of the opening chapter of The Adored. And it's going to get changed, so don't get too attached. But the gist of it has stayed through all drafts:

CW: Mention of teen females (consensually?) groping a teen male:

Hell, before this year, he’d never left the state of Minnesota. He and Afton didn’t eat pie on a boat on their first date, either. They didn’t even have a first date. But he’s let the world believe it, along with a million other lies that look pretty under pastel filters and amazing in 200 characters or less. Lies that dance center stage, that come alive under the lights. The lies are Afton’s truth. Thayer’s truth. Social media’s truth.

But they aren’t ours. Micah's and my truth is different. It’s underground, rotting in basements and prison cells, and all the dark places he still prays never to have to go back to. It’s about the night I saw Afton with a man in a dark Jaguar that turns Micah pale when he sees it, about the chains that still choke his heart and soul. It’s the jagged puzzle whose pieces he relied on me to put together, then told me never to reveal — the whats, but not the whys.

It’s why we’re really quitting.

But there’s one last truth. It’s what he’s trusting me to find. Me, the gawky giraffe in borrowed Balenciaga, with a bass she can barely play. The blurry face in the background. The tacked-on name at the bottom of the story. Bandmate Isley Nash.

I want to ask him, why me?

But before I can, it’s over. He throws himself backward off the stage. His body arches through space like a supernova. This is the moment they’ve been waiting for. They caress him, groping his hair, his legs, his junk. His eyes close. He’s lost. He’s theirs. For them, there’s only tonight.

And unless I find that truth, tonight is all there will ever be. 

3. Which OC makes you smile every time you think/talk about them and what are they like?

Micah (see above) is a reluctant teen rock star, a defiant rebel, a deadpan snarker, a (probable) murder victim, and my OG sad boi, so I'm always going to go with him.

4. What process of writing do you enjoy the most?

Editing. Drafting is trying to make something out of nothing, which is torture. Editing, meanwhile, is sculpting something you create (which is almost always terrible to start off with) into something good, which is fun and fulfilling. I will vomit unreadable, ungrammatical crap onto the page just so there's something there to edit when I go back. For me, that's where 99% of the real work of writing gets done.

5. What part of writing do you think you are the best at? (Yes stroke your own ego it's okay)

Dialogue! I think my dialogue is often funny and entertaining. Can I say that? I'm saying that.

6. What is something in the writeblr community is most enjoyable?

Getting tagged to fill out Q&As like this and ramble about myself ad nauseum! No, seriously, the community I've found on Tumblr has amazingly changed my life in the best way -- and I've really only been here a few months! Here, I've found talented writers, engaged readers, and all-around wonderful human beings, who do not only NOT judge me for my bizarre tastes, but in many cases actually share them. Finding a community like that is rare enough in the internet hellscape where we often find ourselves, let alone IRL, and I will be grateful for it always.

7. A writing tool/device you use that helps you with writing? (It could be speech to text, a writing program etc)

I've reluctantly come around to Grammarly, even though I snobbishly thought I didn't need it. Oh, and chatGPT. No, I'm kidding. I have tried it out, though. (Haven't we all?)

8. A piece of worldbuilding that you like in your own story? (It could be the magic system, a particular place in the story, a law etc)

CW for discussing slavery in a clinical, dispassionate way (IDK, might be a trigger for some).

I've long thought you can't really understand or write about slavery without understanding the basic economics behind it, whether historically or in a fictional context. In most fiction with institutionalized slavery, it's either completely controlled by a dystopian government or by one single, massive company. To me, neither seemed realistic, and I think this is where this world differs from other related ones. In the world of GSNBTR, slavery is like any other sector under capitalism: it's multiple businesses of various sizes and with different niches competing against each other for customers, while being regulated (relatively lightly) by the government (as lobbied for by special interests, of course). And that also means thinking hard about the kinds of roles slaves would be likely to fill in a modern society built on that system, where they come from (likely many different places), who would own, trade, and manage them (whether government, corporations, or individuals) and how they would be likely to be used -- ie., it's not just domestic servants and sex workers, in fact, those are likely the minority of slaves. The majority are fast-food workers, landscapers, cleaners, dishwashers, farmworkers, general laborers, etc. etc. I suspect some are also used in the entertainment industry in some capacity (i.e. some actors/musicians/athletes are literally owned by movie studies/record companies/sports leagues), but I haven't really puzzled this out in detail. This stuff isn't necessarily fun to think about, but it's a must in a story like this, and I definitely did spend a lot of time thinking about it.

9. What piece of advice would you say to encourage others to write if they are having a rough patch?

Are you writing what you really want to write? Always write what you want, not what you think you should. And if you can't write just for yourself, write for just one person. The rest of your audience will come naturally.

10. Tag some people whose works you love/have been your biggest supporters

I have to of course start with the talented writers whose work was so amazing it drew me in and got me to stay: @little-peril-stories @starlit-hopes-and-dreams

And then, to my astonishment, they reached out to support me and my own work, at times in ways far beyond anything I ever could have imagined. 💕

And then! On various levels, I've been lucky enough to know and interact with @i-can-even-burn-salad @whither-wander-whump @rickie-the-storyteller @mysticstarlightduck @painful-pooch @tabswrites @burntcoffeewhump, and @winterandwords!

And there are so many more great folks that I'm only just starting to discover, such as the following I'll gently tag (as well as OPEN TAG for anyone I mentioned above -- since you're already here, after all -- and anyone else reading this! 😂)

@romanceandshenanigans @digital-chance

#tag game #q&a #my writing #writeblr #wip: the adored #gsnbtr

[ghostly-penumbra]

the reason why i have blacklisted the DPxDC tag even though i love it is because it's a fucking minefield of Bad Fenton Parents, and it's the norm unfortunately so people don't think of putting a warning like, it's a given they'll suck

i can be reading a ficlet and i'm like "haha,. what a cute and silly interaction Danny's having with the heroes" and then blam! HIS PARENTS HATE HIM AND WANT TO CUT HIM OPEN AND TORTURE HIM AND BEAT HIM UP AND THEY NEVER EVER LOVED HIM WHETER THEY KNOW HE'S PHANTOM OR NOT THEY HATE HIM AS FENTON TOO

and like, i know it's an interesting concept. i know we queers can vent through fictional bad parents. i have written them being awful myself.. but it's also boring

that's what got me sick of it, really, that it's always the same. there could be a thousand different concepts out there but if all of them have Bad Fenton Parents then it's all the same to me

it got to the point where i no longer write it myself

i'm not trying to be like "guys, stop having fun :(" 'cause that sucks too and i don't really think i'll get anything out of this post

—UNLESS IT'S FIC RECS. I'D LOVE ME SOME DPXDC WITH GOOD FENTON PARENTS FIC RECS—

i'm just here venting in my blog, 'cause i'm not entitled to people's writing and i don't want to seem like i feel so

and i'm not gonna summon canon 'cause i know damn well this is the "death of the author? no! hunting for sport of the author!" phandom, but i do believe some people need to realize fanon ≠ canon, and people interpretating a character as abusive doesn't make it canon. like, i've had someone comment in one of my older fics where i made Jack and Maddie reject Danny "and they are still better than canon" and nope, not at all, they are not

and this comes back to what i said of fanon being the default, 'cause now *i* gotta say that they are good folks here or start getting "ugh they are so awful and stupid i hate them so much" comments on fic where i explicitly state "they were tricked into making a bad choice, they didn't know better and they were acting out of love" like!!! i'm trying to do nuance here, buddie!

anyway i think that's all for this rant

#alex talks #fandom salt #Maddie Fenton #Jack Fenton

[apocalypticavolition]

Let's (re)Read The Eye of the World! Chapter 38: Rescue

Listen and listen well: people who complain about this post being full of spoilers for the whole of The Wheel of Time series will be tortured like in the above image. This is your chance to get the hell away from my madness while you have a chance and I have no patience for anyone who is going to waste that opportunity. Block the tags, read the books, have a happy life!

This chapter has the Flame of Tar Valon as its icon, a reflection both of Moiraine's leading the rescue effort and of Lan's discussion of the factions within the White Tower.

Usually he collapsed like a wrung-out rag as soon as the Whitecloaks let him stop, but tonight his mind was racing. His skin crawled with dread that had been building for days.

Another favorable coincidence for our heroes. Frankly, Perrin and Egwene deserve to pass right out whenever they can after these hideous death marches they're being put through.

Light, how do I make them believe we aren’t Darkfriends when they’re already convinced we are? His stomach twisted sickeningly. In the end, he would probably confess to anything just to make the Questioners stop.

On the one hand, it's not very smart of Perrin to think that he can reason with these people when they've already established themselves to be very unreasonable. Also, killing two of someone's buddies is really no way to make friends.

On the other hand, it's very smart of Perrin to understand that the point of torture is to make the victims say whatever you want them to say. Unless he calls Egwene a whore or something I'm going to let him coast on this victory for the rest of this chapter.

Perrin tensed. Sometimes such a denial brought a lecture delivered in a grating near monotone, on confession and repentance, leading into a description of the Questioners’ methods of obtaining them. Sometimes it brought the lecture and a kick. To his surprise, this time Byar ignored it.

I have to wonder if it's Egwene getting kicked for having a smart mouth or if it's Perrin getting kicked for Egwene having a smart mouth. Both seem plausible with these fucks.

If Byar wanted them to escape? Byar, who was convinced to his marrow that they were Darkfriends. Byar, who hated Darkfriends worse than he did the Dark One himself. Byar, who looked for any excuse to cause him pain because he had killed two Whitecloaks. Byar wanted them to escape?

Oh wow, Perrin's actually thinking things through effectively this chapter! You go, Perrin. You don't even have to coast! Also, this accurately reflects your characterization as someone who seems slow because you think things through. I'm so happy.

Byar watched his changes of expression, and for the first time the Whitecloak’s eyes went to the rock he had tossed on the ground.

So, Byar doesn't know that Perrin's a wolfepath. I think what's going through his head is the realization that Perrin is a violent killer and the follow-up assumption that he might well take a rock meant to free him from his bonds and use it just effectively enough to bash someone else's skull in. Hence why he decides to kill Perrin now, because he's a dangerous man in multiple ways now that Byar miscalculated.

“Is it really . . . ?” Egwene gave a stifled sob. “We thought you were dead. We thought you were all dead.”

Speaking of people who's interiority we don't get to see right now, what has been going on in her head all this time anyway? Did she really think they were dead the whole time and was doing the dancing stuff as a "having survived a traumatic experience I'm going to throw myself into living as hard as I can"? Did she only give up hope when Perrin was so shitty about telling her they were alive or even later during the death march? I really don't know and every answer is fascinating in its own right.

He felt a prickle as it settled around his shoulders, a stab of worry between his shoulder blades. Was it Byar’s cloak he had ended up with? He almost thought he could smell the gaunt man on it.

There's something deeply symbolic about Perrin's terror that in reclaiming his axe and donning a disguise he's picked up something else, something worse, from the man he had to steal from.

A shadow stirred, and Moiraine’s voice came, weighted with irritation. “Nynaeve has not returned. I fear that young woman has done something foolish.”

What Moiraine's not saying is that Nynaeve preempted her signal here and that her fears are entirely justified since the gal just let off a thunderstorm. It wouldn't help her seem omniscient and inscrutable if she were forced to admit that the gang could so easily throw her off her schemes. Best to just roll with it.

Lan spun on his heel as if to return the way they had come, but a single whip-crack word from Moiraine halted him. “No!” He stood looking at her sideways, only his face and hands truly visible, and they but dimly shadowed blurs. She went on in a gentler tone; gentler but no less firm. “Some things are more important than others. You know that.” The Warder did not move, and her voice hardened again. “Remember your oaths, al’Lan Mandragoran, Lord of the Seven Towers! What of the oath of a Diademed Battle Lord of the Malkieri?”

Lan: Fuck my bond to you, fuck saving the world, fuck the Pattern, I'm saving Nynaeve!

Readers: Lan/Nynaeve comes out of nowhere.

Literally the only reason Lan doesn't ignore Moiraine right now is that Nynaeve comes back anyway.

“Elsewhere,” Moiraine replied, and Nynaeve muttered something in a sharp tone that made Egwene gasp. Perrin blinked; he had caught the edge of a wagoneer’s oath, and a coarse one.

Meaningless contest: Give me *your* ideas as to what Nynaeve said here. Bonus points to anyone who works in a nine horse hitch.

He still carried the white cloak, now rolled up and tied to his belt. The Warder said they must leave no more traces for the Children to find than they could help. He still thought he could smell Byar on it.

And there's gotta be more symbolism in the taint of Byar moving from something that covers Perrin directly to a mere tool on his belt.

“I believe they are in Caemlyn,” Moiraine said carefully, “or on their way there.” Nynaeve gave a loud, disparaging grunt, but the Aes Sedai went on as if she had not been interrupted. “If they are not, I will yet find them. That I promise.”

Nynaeve has a different approach to Aes Sedai bullshit than Lan's "You're dodging the question": make rude noises until they become specific enough for her liking. Their mutual contempt for the First Oath is just one of the many ways they're perfect for each other.

“You look surprised,” Nynaeve said. She looked a little surprised herself, and strangely frightened. “Next time, you can go to her.”

"Fuck you Perrin if you don't like the goop you can get Aes Sedaied! Respect me or be thrown to the witches!"

Nynaeve is always so delightfully extra.

“There was no foretelling this.” Moiraine spoke as if to herself. Her eyes seemed to look at something beyond him. “Something ordained to be woven, or a change in the Pattern? If a change, by what hand? The Wheel weaves as the Wheel wills. It must be that.”

You could try asking him, you know. Reassuring yourself that everything is fine, the situation is totally under control, most of the party is already back together and you totally know where the other dipshits are is all well and good when you are lucky enough to be on the right track, but what if you weren't?

“And most of what you’ve heard is wrong, no doubt. You must understand, there are . . . factions within Tar Valon. Some would fight the Dark One one way, some another. The goal is the same, but the differences . . . the differences can mean lives changed, or ended. The lives of men or nations. He is well, Elyas?”

You can tell that Lan does not remotely give a fuck about Perrin or his well-being except to the degree Moiraine tells him to by the way that he's so brutally misleading Perrin. The Red Ajah's reputation is pretty accurate even in empty farm country and the largest united faction in Tar Valon wouldn't fight the Dark One at all. Lan knows both of these things and if it were Rand in this sticky spot he'd be getting a full rundown of all Black Ajah activity that Lan and Moiraine had personally foiled.

“The Dark One can’t touch us unless we name him.” Immediately Perrin thought of the dreams of Ba’alzamon, the dreams that were more than dreams. He scrubbed the sweat off his face. “He can’t.”

Oh hey Perrin, you really are on a roll this chapter. Like, you're not right on this statement in particular, but the thrust of what you're saying - that the Shadow (or for that matter, the Light) can't choose you to serve it, only you can make that choice (bar being transformed so utterly as to effectively be dead) - is an important theme in these books.

“The walls of the Dark One’s prison. This may be the end of an Age. We may see a new Age born before we die. Or perhaps it is the end of Ages, the end of time itself. The end of the world.” Suddenly he grinned, but his grin was as dark as a scowl; his eyes sparkled merrily, laughing at the foot of the gallows.

Frankly Lan is talking so much here that I can only conclude that he's been pulled into Perrin's ta'veren effect. That said, this is perhaps the first clear indicator that Lan is deeply unwell in his own way, so effortlessly casual about the end of the world because he assumes he's going to die in the next few years anyway. His own worldview is deeply nihilistic and he really does think that at any point any of them could be turned to the Shadow. Part of that must be some personal experience with the 13x13 arrangement and/or men like Ingtar, but I think that in general he's so internalized the doomed war his childhood prepared him for that now that the stakes are changed he can't help but assume it's all doomed anyway.

But we're at the end of this chapter, so I can stop trying to figure out the psyche of everyone around Perrin and relax. Next time, we return to Rand and get our first view of the most poorly constructed palace walls of all time!

#let's read #wheel of time #wot #robert jordan #wheel of time spoilers #wot spoilers #perrin aybara #egwene al'vere #jaret byar #lan mandragoran #moiraine damodred #nynaeve al'meara

[woofety]

I was tagged by @valentinaonthemoon (thank you! 😊)

RULES: bold the ones that are true & tag 10 people to do it.

APPEARANCE

blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing to tight clothing // I have one or more piercings // I have at least one tattoo // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball hats backwards

-- so yeah, if we consider any piercing I have the "boring" one per ear as well, I'm kind of entertaining the idea of doing a second piercing on both ears near the ones already open but my lobes are rather small, so I don't know, we'll see // I've been dyeing my hair for some years now, since nature didn't give me red hair I took that matter into my own han... well no, actually my hairdresser's hands 😁 (I've never dyed my hair on my own, I guess it would be cheaper but I'm afraid I would make a disaster)! I don't even go entirely red, I just do meshes on top of my head and keep my natural colour behind and on the sides (I carry short hair), which is dark brown... and grey/white, because nature did decide to give me plenty of white hair even if I'm not even 35 yet, yay! 😅 I think I have to thank genetics from my father's side for it but whatever, I don't really mind much, it's not really the reason why I dye my hair anyway // if by "braces" you mean that infernal stuff used by dentists to trap your teeth and having a nightmare inside your mouth, yeah, sadly I had them, and I HATED it!!! And I know I definitely should have kept them more, and on both dental arches (I only wore it on the upper one) because my teeth are far from perfect, but whatever, since they finally freed me from that instrument of torture I was sure I never wanted to have anything to do with it again! // ah, the "I am pleased with how I look"... coming from someone who has been struggling with her body (especially her weight) practically all her life, you know what? I am arriving to a point in which I'm more sure of myself when I say that yes, despite everything I am pleased with how I look after all, not because I was born or grew up to be particularly beautiful, at least... canonically speaking? What is considered canonical anyway? I believe beauty is very subjective and personal in terms of appreciation, and I can only speak according to my own standards of "beauty", which would make me say I'm not really beautiful, but I've been working on myself, I've been dealing with my ups and downs, my satisfaction and my guilt for whatever I have been doing (or not doing) to take care of me, and I'm finding that with time more moments came in which I rooted for and appreciated myself and my appearance more than the ones in which I thought it wasn't worth it and I wasn't doing enough and even if I did, MY enough would never be enough anyway... maybe it was the effort and sacrifices I put myself through, maybe I'm learning to be kinder and less judgemental with the way I criticize what I (or don't) say or do, but I can see I'm doing better, and I know that it doesn't sound forced when I say it and that I want to continue to walk this path! --

HOBBIES & TALENTS

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with friends // I travel during work or school breaks // I can do a handstand

-- I don't know if I can say that I am artistic, does occasionally making jewellery and accessories and a bit of calligraphy makes me so? 🤷And in all truth I'm not yet able to make them from scratch, so I generally follow others' tutorials, maybe tweaking stuff here and there, but whatever 😅 // So far I know, aside from my mother tongue - Italian - I know English and a bit of Spanish... well, not nearly enough to have a proper conversation I've been studying for not such a long time but I'm starting to understand more the written language and catching up a bit more on the spoken one, but the latter is way harder atm, as with all languages, I suppose... Unfortunately my Babbel subscription (I started learning Spanish there) has expired and prices have increased since last year, so for now I put it on hold, even if I finished the main courses and was going through the ones to expand my vocabulary, and tbh I had half a mind, if I reactivated my subscription, to start learning another language, which would be Portuguese 😊, but I'm not really keen on paying for two languages at the moment, idk... // Well, when I say I can cook without a recipe, let's say they are rather basic dishes and that I do it with recipes I've done over and over, because otherwise I'm rather "maniacal" in following a recipe, and that is true especially with baking, that I really can't do from scratch - maybe it's also because even the baking recipes I do more frequently, like muffins or pancakes, I don't do them often, in any case I would be too scared of forgetting or messing up stuff, so I always need to have written instructions... I would hate to fuck them up, both for my sake and my mother's, since we are the ones enjoying them! 😋 // When I say I enjoy singing, I'm not saying I am good at it, although once some years ago, when i was really in the mood (because I usually sing on my own, I'm still not that comfortable with doing it with other people around) and I started singing along with friends in a car, a friend of mine who a rather trained ear for music said I had a good voice... Anyway, I give my best performances at home with nobody around: I believe my go to songs would be Abba's, or my childhood's anime theme songs (the ones sung in Italian, if you've ever heard of Cristina D'Avena or Giorgio Vanni 😝), but I've even dared to try some Nightwish or Evanescence, even when I'm working out, can you imagine the result (especially when I work out, while concentrating on the lyrics distracts me from the effort of doing an exercise, there is that tiny aspect of keep my breath, which I definitely can't use for both singing and exercising, and sometimes even laughing at myself for even trying and failing both 😂) --

RELATIONSHIPS

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush // I have a best friend who I’ve known for ten years // my parents are together // I have dated my best friend // I am adopted // my crush has confessed to me // I have a long distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends// I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

-- I really don't know if during the years I've made some friends online (which would have happened only here on Tumblr, since I didn't meddle with other social networks), there were few people with whom I talked I did consider friends, but I've been so awful at keeping relationships going with my inconstancy and disappearances that I'm aware it's rather difficult to keep up with me and I don't know if those people ever considered me even close to a friend 😔 --

AESTHETICS

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sun rise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire // I pay close attention to colors // I find mystery in the ocean // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // Summer is my favorite season

-- I'm probably illuding myself but I think I've heard the ocean in a conch shell? I like to think I did, at least 🐚 // something I would like to do is sleeping under the stars and watching the sun rise, especially the second, not that I had many opportunities to do either but I guess what really prevented me so far has been that I'm too lazy and enjoy comfort too much to sleep outside or wake up at ungody hours ah ehm 😅 // the sound of chirping calms me... mh, not really at not even 5 am when I'd like to sleep but it wakes me up, it doesn't 😆 I mean I like it, but I believe not even the birds are chill most of the time (not the ones outside my window for sure), so why would their "chattering" make me calm?! 😝 // I admit I've been enjoying rainy days with moderation more recently, because we have some problems at home with electricity we still haven't figured out (there is likely an exposed cable outside the house which, when there is rain - probably also directed by wind - makes electricity go off) and it's rather annoying since we don't know what exactly causes it yet; not to mention that recently with heavy rain there have been some pretty serious floods in the region and in areas near where we live which were disastrous for some people, towns and infrastructures - they were surely exceptional events but they made me more distrustful towards rain; also yeah, well, surely rain is less bothersome when one's cozy at home and not outside! Let's just say that I mainly enjoy light rain, or better just cloudy days, ok?! // for all reasons above, I couldn't bold the fact that I enjoy thunderstorms, in fact they terrify me, but that was even before recent events tbh // when I was little, while watching the clouds I often enjoyed spnding time to guess what familiar shape they took, it's a fairly common game, one that I sometimes do even now 😊 // I'm not really sure what "paying attention to colours" means, but I do keep an eye on them and their combination, not only while dressing (I'm not a fashionista at all, but I still pay a bit of attention coordinating my outfits, with the little I have), Idk I just really like colours! --

MISCELLANEOUS

I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 cats

-- as long as I feel I'm safe knowing that someone I know is with me and is vigilant, like traveling with me on a train, yep, I believe I can fall asleep in a moving vehicle, I did it in the past after all, in a car with my family even more so, but if I'm on my own there's no chance, I need to be alert at all times, I'd be to anxious for someone to take advantage of my being asleep // I don't think I may have eaten enough of Mexican food to judge it fairly, but so far I liked what I ate, and I read some recipes that seem delicious even if I haven't tried them // if "stick shift" is indeed a car, eh, theoretically I can, but I almost never do it, because the road (mostly other people driving) drives me nuts andupsets me... it's something I'm aware I have to work on, because now I fortunately don't have much need of it, but being able to drive is sadly important, and as much as I don't like it I'll have to learn to be more comfortable with it, sigh // alas, don't ask me how or why, despite all in this world that wants to prove me otherwise and my character and better sense, somehow I still believe in true love, whatever that means (I think how it is perceived is s also rather individual, I have my own definition of it, or how it should be, and I don't consider it exclusive to romantic dynamics btw - friendship is a form of love as well and it can be as powerful and meaningful and worthy of being considered "true love" too, and I will die on that hill // given that my making up scenarios is not relegated just to bedtime, as much as I'd like for them to making me feel more cozy and relaxed and help me distracting from the day to day problems that I can't possibly solve while lying in bed so that my brain would just shut the fuck up and leave me be for few hours please and thank you 🙄, the thing is sometimes I find an idea or scenario that gets me excited enough to keep me wide awake, which is rather counter-productive if you ask me 😅 // I don't actually sing in the shower, not at least while I shower, or at least i do it very rarely, but I occasionally like to sing in my bathroom and shower stall because i like the acoustics in there 😎 --

I'm not tagging anyone (not even sure if people I'd tag would remember me 😅), but if anyone wants to give this a try and let me know feel free to do it!

#tag game #about me #thank you for tagging me! #it's been lovely doing this to take my mind off today as it's not been a very good one so far #my pms is kicking in hard this month and I don't feel very well #and I feel even worse for not having done any of the tasks I had to do today #these days are horrible 😖 but it is what it is #and luckily what I had to do wasn't mandatory or urgent and could be postponed #so this was good for distracting myself a bit from the pain and frustration as well #oh and sorry for commenting so much on this - idk I just felt like it 🤷😅 #btw now you can edit previously written tags whoa that's cool! #that won't stop me from not realizing my typing mistakes but it's an improvement in case I do 😝 #it certainly compensates for whatever that tumblr live is lol #I still have to discover whatever has been going on on this place while I wasn't active

[lutawolf]

Hello Luta,

How are you?

Hope you are alright. 😊

I just wanted to say how lucky I was that I stumbled opon your blog when I was going through VegasPete tags. This couple was the ONE for me. And how I see myself in Pete is mind-blowing to me. And on many blogs how people describe Pete as this innocent guy who was seduced by bad bad guy Vegas, just didn't make any sense for me. As it didn't seemed right how they described Pete.

So when I started reading your through on Pete and Vegas and there relationship, it just clicked, like YEEEESS finely someone described what I was seeing and put in such beautiful sentences 💙💙💙

Also as person who was exposed to 🌽 with element of BDSM in really young age and seeing the way it depiction lady's and women as exposable and useball... and It just broke my heart. When I was a little bit older and I had acseess to Internet I think ob the back of my head I still had that thought that it can be something I'm in to but finding information about BDSM at that time was nightmare expecially in my native language as there where so many depiction of women just being humiliated and put in slave position by man( And that was definitely somethingI was not interested in as child abuse survive and as a woman). So there was second time I gave it a go with 50ShadesofGray that film and before that that books was horrendous and only much later I read somewhere that people from BDSM community who explained why this is not right depiction of life style and community.

So here I am just watching BL KinnPorche expecting nothing, but maybe so hot bed scenes and I just feel like WOW....THIS IS IT. This is something I had pictured in my hear and it resonates with me. ( I do understand that the portrait of BDSM in series wasn't perfect and it is not the real life depiction 😊)

And than I found your blog and it was SOOOO eye opening like no kidding every time I read you post about BDSM I just sit down and trying to figure out is it something I will like. And it just every time 🤯🤯🤯.

You are the first person that I found you shows the reality of this life stile, without glamorising it. And I am SOOO GREATFUL TO YOU. Like you made me feel safe and comfortable even maybe it was or wasn't intentional. And it sooo free of judgment and your taking your time explaining staff it just 💙💙💙

Like I just came here to say THANK YOU SOOO MUCH. Like I cannot express how GREATFUL I am for you writing long metas or reviews of the shows and answering questions.

P.S. Sorry if there are mistakes as English is not my first language 😊😅.

P.S.S. Also sorry if this just doesn't make any sense 😬 😅 my ADHD and high emotions can get better of me.

P.S.S.S. If something I said or mentioned is making you uncomfortable, please ignore this rumbling. It was not my intention, the only think was to show how grateful I am to you writing this blog and how happy I am as I found it.

P.S.S.S.S. Also I hope I don't make you uncomfortable as I'm going through your blog rebloging all your old post. (Please let me know if I do make uncomfortable)

As I said before Thank You for Your blog.

Anna💙💙💙

Hey Hey anna,,

Thank you so much for the time you've spent on my blog 💜💜💜

Yeah.. Pete is far from innocent. He watched Vegas kill people and torture people without flinching. Because he has done the same thing. That's why he could easily forgive what was done to him by Vegas. He is no innocent. Nor kind. His generosity only extends to those in his circle.

You were conditioned. Whoosh. I'm so fucking sorry. I know you don't want pity cause I will literally throw hands at people who give it to me. But I am sorry and feel free to drop in my DM any time. I can't be your counselor but I'm happy to be a companion.

I try to be as real as possible about the lifestyle. It can be a wonderful place with the most accepting people. Real kinksters truly believe in safe, sane, and consensual. However, there are people who prey in the community and people aren't safe if that's swept under the rug. With that said, grooming is going to give you big fat triggers. You need to let anyone you are with know this. If you have any questions any at all, do not hesitate to ask me. Don't take any risks. Be safe.

There is no judgement on my blog. My kinkster flag will fly and I'm happy to give that support to others. Luckily others feel the same and it's built into a warm community. I'm glad you found us. 💜💜💜

Please never apologize for any mistakes. There will never be judgement here. I have only mad respect for all my bilingual peeps. To which all my friends are. Language shouldn't be about perfection but bridging the gap of community, so that we can better understand each other. So that we can lend support and companionship. Not to show how superior we are. So again never apologize about your English. I'm just here to hear you, not judge.

I too am ADHD and often go *bird* at any given time.

There was absolutely nothing that you said that made me uncomfortable. None. You were expressive and I understood everything you were telling me. 💜💜💜

I love when people like and/or repost my posts. It means you like my stuff. That's like a virtual high five or platonic kiss. *looking at you @ellaspore * Dude, I love that shit so spam away.

I used to try to give ad much love on ya'lls blogs as you gave me. You guys always win though. 😆 thank you for the Ask and the love. I truly appreciate it and seriously contact me if you need help with anything. 💜💜💜

Also PS: English is my first language and I fuck up all the time. It's why I don't write fiction any more. So seriously no judgement.

[mchiti]

ohh how many white players have done and said questionable things and no one remembers. or they do remember and they cancel it out because they see his humanity. which is fine but at least afford non-white players the same humanity. lmao mudryk got more flak for filming a stranger at the gym than his pro-isr*eli and anti-arab comments and likes, that really tells you all you need to know.

i saw that comment you got about 'the arab world' and it made me laugh because the same person said 'you don't know anything about eastern europe' ... just imagine if we viewed eastern europe with as much ignorance and lack of nuance as they have when they view 'the arab world'? at least we can name more than 3 countries in eastern europe lol, don't know if they can say the same for 'the arab world'.

you're so right, unfortunately most discussions on football tumblr are done through a western lens. you simply cannot apply this lens when discussing footballers from the rest of the world but. the tragedy is that these people think they are so big-brained and liberal but in reality they are small-minded. like 'I truly don’t see how anyone who’s not Russian can just go to russia with a clean conscience' they need to ask themselves if they would feel the same way if r*ssia was at war with a middle eastern country rather than white ukraine? would they even care? if they would feel the same way if a footballer was seen visiting isr*el? or any other western country that has ravaged the ME and murdered and tortured its people? no, because when footballers are seen visiting those places, no one says anything.

anyway sorry and i love you and thank you for talking to me about this ❤️

It's just so disappointing isn't it anon. Like we can't even fathom saying this out loud because that's not something you can even put into words without people laughing at you for being ridiculous, but how is usa any different from russia in that sense. How is israel different. I saw the pics of another little Palestinian kid murdered in the streets, a 2 year old kid, only yesterday. It drives me mad if I think nobody - nobody - on here went to discuss mudryk clean conscience for supporting an apartheid state. Or him replying "FACTS" to someone saying 'why would he support your arabian shit?" like how? where is his clean conscience there. Where is everyone's conscience. If we wanna be real than let's admit players are just players, a lot of them are not necessarily educated on stuff but if you accept that you have to grant this privilege to anyone. Because if one moroccan player visiting russia for reasons that are not even political in the first place makes you writing posts about it (i've seen that on his tag) then do it for everyone else. or is that the only conflict worth mentioning cause as you said it's against a white, christian country. if you use that measure anyone who plays in MLS has no clean conscience then lmao. or are the half million and counting of iraqis murdered not worth mentioning, just to say one of the million examples of occupations, bombings on civilians, murders and torture from the west.

it's an unjust world we live in. but precisely because it is unjust, targeting a single player for political reasons that are completely unrelated to him, questioning his level of conscience while the whole western world never question their own level of conscience is unfair and it will never, ever sit right with me. That he probably underestimated the implications I said it myself, but this is another level of hypocrisy.

oh no don't apologise!! i mean this is exactly the stuff that you type it down and you can get canceled forever but yeah. I think of mudryk "arabian shit - facts" comments before I sleep and I get motivated into not falling for this shit ever. I think of my baba then, my mama, all the migrants and diaspora kids I know. I think of all the "arabian shit" that are part of my life. And I will never sit down or stay quiet. Have a great day/night ❤️

#asks

[conceptsformyowner]

Being the party's toy

Cositas are here.

This is a continuation of PTJ6: What things can we consent to? and getting my face fucked.

It was a very long and eventful night so, this is simply what I remember, with a little help from my Owner.

Saturday afternoon

On Saturday, we went to a Sadomasochisn with Shibari workshop, given by the amazing Drux. My Owner learned brand new ways of torturing me (yaaay :'D). They learned how to tie my tongue using string or sticks, how to torture my feet by keeping them bent back with rope running inbetween each toe, torturing them all. They also learned how to leash me from my crotch, and how to safely use rope to make me stay in a position if I don't want to get choked by it. There was a whole thing about tying my hair with rope, but it kept failing again and again. Guess my hair is too straight and soft hahah. The teacher eventually managed to do it, but sadly we weren't able to replicate it afterwards. Having built up my fears and their excitement, the class ended and so we returned home, new torture techniques now under my Owner’s belt.

Preparations

That night, we had a very exciting event coming up. A friend of ours (@musingsformyowner) organized it. It was a small BDSM event, with no more than 30 people participating, and it got us very excited.

We'd finally gotten around to building, tagging, revising, categorizing, and contextualizing a page with my Use List, inspired by the CNC List concept I wrote about a month ago. On this list (english version coming soon to a tumblr blog near you) they'd made me write 115 ways to use their toy.

It wasn't that hard to write, since they made it my only entertainment after two days of forced boredom chained to their toilet, but the greater work came after it.

We read through the list together and one by one we made sure the items were clearly understable, added descriptions where necessary, and my Owner split them into three categories:

Owner. These were uses of their toy that they wanted to keep exclusive to them. No-one else is allowed to use me in these ways.

VIPs. These are ways only VIPs can use me. Which is to say, a short list of people they have decided to share their toy with. These are basically @musingsformyowner and @snuffxunt. So. Yeah. Evil mfs.

Everyone. These were things everyone was allowed to do to me.

At the top of the page we put some big blocks about my limits, relevant rules I had which must not be broken, and my safewords. After that, we just sent it to the BDSM event group and some other relevant friends, and that was it.

The Event

Once everyone had arrived (it was kind of overwhelmingly crowded and loud but I was alright, I was with my Owner), we started a round of presentations as usual. Each of them said their names, pronouns, any desires they had for the night, any limits on what they didn't want to see so that we compartmentalized the space and organized ourselves accordingly, and then continued on to the next person. They got to my Owner and they presented themselves, reminded people of the list, and said:

"I'll have my toy here chained at my feet or standing next to me all night, and you're all invited to use it in accordance with the list. To do so, just come over and ask me. I want to see my toy being used tonight so I'll stay close, and when you're done you just hand it back to me and I'll take care of it."

Didn't really have much else to say when it was my turn, which felt really nice. Just a toy, don't even get to present myself. After group agreements were settled on and everyone had had their say, the night began ✨

Which...is kind of awkward, there's always the risk of everyone's just sort of standing around not really knowing what to do, and it slowly building up as the mood changes each time someones initiates some play.

That's why some people (like my Owner) usually have something prepared to do as soon as the event begins. In our case, it was putting on my toy uniform.

They locked my mittens around my hands, and then locked a chain looped between both ankles and wrists. They also placed my collar around my neck and tightened it until it choked me, just a little bit, just enough to be a tiny bit annoying but to make it so that speech came out a little...choke-ey?

Scenes from a Hat

We went back to the group and found that those who hadn't gone to the shibari-themed section were forming a circle around a hat.

The game was: each person stepped up to The Hat™ and randomly picked out from it a paper with a kinky practice to engage in, then they spun a glittery bottle (courtesy of one of the littles in the group) that would pick out who would be at the recieving end of that practice.

Of course, this being a BDSM event, there was great emphasis on consent and consensus, so anyone could refuse without any offense.

My Owner placed me in the circle, excited to watch people using me, and then it began. Throughout the game, people kissed (quite a lot, seems like there were more papers for kissing than for the other practices ahsah), they tied each other up, spanked each other, kissed each other's feet, walked each other on a leash on all fours and instructed the other like a pet, and at one point, near the beginning of the game, the bottle spun towards me.

"Spanking"

Everyone asked my Owner if it was ok, because they held my consent as established, and then the person who'd picked out the paper approached us and we departed from the circle a bit.

They seemed really excited. Honestly, it was also a relief to me since I'd played with them a couple times before, so we had already established some form of physical trust, which couldn't be said for everyone there.

After making sure everything was alright and consulting on intensity and such, they ordered me to put my hands on a coffee table and started spanking me. They made me count outloud, increased the intensity, and asked my Owner to pick a number for how many I had left.

It was a great way to start the night. We were both feeling a bit nervous about presenting this dynamic to the group, but having the first person who used me understand perfectly how it worked eased a lot of anxiety, since they were constantly consulting my Owner and disregarding me a bit, which is what we wanted.

Curiosity

It was fun, walking around the place, barely able to stand straight, my mittened up hands being pulled down by the chain attached to my ankles. People looked at us, specially those who had never played with me before.

Some people asked to see the mittens, and were of course allowed. They grabbed them and found them quite amazing, which was nice. Some people approached to ask for the list, and spent some time reading through it.

Ragdoll toy

At one point, one very excited friend approached my Owner. Ah. Fuck. Back when I had sent the list to the group chat, I remember them saying it awoke evil in them. Great.

I was sitting on the floor at the feet of my Owner, as I spent most of the night.

After being granted permission by my Owner, they started grabbing me and thrashing me around the floor, always staying in sight, as agreed. They pulled my hair and moved my head around, they grabbed a long dark wooden paddle and started proding my body with it, until they pulled and pushed me into being on all fours, holding me there by the hair, or by pushing with their feet on my back, they paddled me harder and hareder until I tapped out.

They had some more fun moving me around like a ragdoll before returning me to my Owner, who then pampered and patted me on the head.

"Good toy."

UwU

"Stand up, I'm going for a smoke."

I complied and we headed out. I was used to hold the lighter and whichever implements they needed while we rested from the noise and chatted with a couple friends.

From the door to the shibari area we heard loud, loud aggresive laughing and cursing as from tickling.

Amazing.

Meanwhile

Other things we watched happen, most of them while I was chained by my Owner's feet.

A sadistic cat tie up, suspend, and torture @musingsformyowner with their claws, ending the session by making them orgasm by suddenly slapping their genitals for just 10 seconds.

Everyone gathering around to watch someone being asphyxiated with a plastic bag by @musingsformyowner while getting their chest tortured twisted and slapped. On their face, eyes closed and a big peaceful genuine smile, visible through the rythmically inflating and deflating transparent plastic bag. Everyone clapping in the end.

The person who was torturing twisting and slapping said chest also getting happily asphyxiated with The Plastic Bag™. Everyone clapping again.

Someone being spanked over a spanking bench.

Someone having a non-asphyxiating sort of kidnapping-looking bag over their head, and clothespins on their chest, being congratulated by a person outside the scene on the pretty-looking bag. "Thanks!"

Someone getting their hands tied to their chest, the rope wrapping their torso, and legs also tied together at various points. Then being lifted off the ground gracefully by someone shorter than them, and being walked over to a sofa where they were placed and held while struggling fiercefully against their captors and laughing.

Two people roleplaying as students, with another one playing their civics teacher grabbing one of them (@musingsformyowner) by the hip from behind and asking in their ear: "What are human rights?".

@musingsformyowner as the student, being groped and handled answering without taking a beat, moaning out something like: "Human rights are a fantasy supported by capitalism to control the wellbeing of the population by fragmenting our desires and experiences and putting them in a hierarchy that excludes and denies the reality of marginalized populations while making us celebrate some people being respected as people." I love nerds.

At some point, while at my Owner's feet, they detached the chain looping around my wrist and leg cuffs and reattached it, making my collar join the loop. They then tightened it until I was just a curled up little ball toy and they walked over to sit somewhere else across the room.

It was just a few meters, but I had to crawl and drag myself over there with great effort, while people started watching and laughing.

I loved it so much, the less I can move the better, specially if it’s because of my Owner, and specially if I can’t get out on my own..

The Auction

Preparations

Finally, when everyone seemed tired and happy, when the night usually comes to a close, the auction began. One of the organizers had brought bags full of candy we would use as currency, and people were starting to write numbers on pieces of papers and putting them in The Hat™.

Someone went around and had everyone who wanted to participate as a buyer pull out a piece of paper, and get that many pieces of candy. Each person got to pull papers 3 times until the candy was out.

In the meantime, 6 people were going up and presenting themselves to be auctioned off later. There was a sadist degrader top, a sadomasochist switch, and someone I didn't quite get to hear present themselves.

They asked if anyone else wanted to be auctioned off, and my Owner stood up.

"I'll be auctioning off my toy here, we have an extensive list of 79 ways you can use it freely, it has wonderful hair for grabbing and pulling, and it can sing and maybe even dance for you! Thank you."

The auction itself

The first auctionee went up, presented by the wonderful @musingsformyowner, and was bought by a single piece of candy after a small silence by a person sitting in the back on a couch.

The second one had some more fight, with the couch person getting now two of the five auctioned items.

The third one, the sadist top, was bought by friend of mine, and so was the forth one, the masochist bottom.

The fifth one was a human piece of furniture and bondage, who was bought and promptly instructed to become a footstool.

And then it was my Owner's turn, I was brought to the center of the room and presented by @musingsformyowner:

"And now, presenting [Owner]'s toy! Which is being kindly lent to us for tonight, and comes with a list of 79 things you can do to it! You don't even have to think about what to do you can just look at the list and choose one, and it also includes the toy's Owner's supervision so you don't have to worry about anything! No worries, only pleasure! Do I hear one piece of candy?"

It worked amazingly and quickly there was a flattering battle between my friend who bought #3 and #4, the person who bought #1 and #2 (and had been kept betting for everyone since), and the one who was using #5 as a footstool. It went around until finally, the footstooler bought me, and I was greeted by the cheer of the small group of people who had saved up the pieces of candy for them.

Then, @musingsformyowner were actioned themselves, and after an intense battle between the buyer of #1 and #2, the buyer of #3 and #4, my Owner, and my buyer, and was eventually sold to my buyer for about double the maximum that we'd gotten to before.

Rented toy

Once it was over, everyone started the following scenes at the same time.

The buyer of the sadist (#3) and the masochist (#4) got #3 to instruct them in how to punch #4, using them as a punching bag while wearing boxing gloves. Afterwards some other things happen I didn't get to see, but in the end, they were making the sadist spank the masochist over and over, but...the paddle broke. The sadist literally hit the masochist until the thick wooden paddle split in half. And...it was the masochist who had built it. Quality testing!

The buyer of #1 and #2 tied the auctioned's hands behind their backs such that they were sort of stuck to each other. Attached to #2's thigh, there was a strap holding a large tentacle dildo, which @musingsformyowner was happily and skillfully putting down their throat.

The buyer of the footstool #5, @musingsformyowner and myself, had very clear ideas in mind. They had decided that they would make me sing. So they asked for permission from my Owner, and then they did. Of course, as soon as I was ordered to sing, any and all songs I've ever sung just vanished from my memory, so it took some insisting and googling for lyrics (the hardest thing for me when singing) to start singing an a capella version of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat's "Close Every Door", and then was told to sing The Lion King's "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" which I kiiind of did. Both of them were particularly difficult because any singing is hard when your throat is being constantly slightly choked by your collar. They then were instructed by someone else to sing, so they sang Les Miserable's "On My Own" beautifully. After which, they headed towards me and asked my Owner to see the list. They spent some time reading through it, time in which I enjoyed the image of me singing about being held captive because I'm not even a person while @musingsformyowner sucks a tentacle dildo that's strapped to a person's thigh. When they were done, they grabbed my face and spent some time pulling my hair, moving me about and slapping my face over and over again. They then made me kneel and poured some hot wax on my shoulders and arms while making me hold something on top of me. At one point, @musingsformyowner approached us just to place a tight latex hood on my head that had only a hole for the mouth, which made everything else much more intense. Amazing hood. Then, now joined by a person who helped pay for me, they kept doing sensation play, adding some ice cubes and a large heavy metal chain that had been kept in the freezer the last few hours. In the meantime, the my little friend (as in, friend who is a little), who's bottle we'd use before for The Hat Game, stood behind me and started braiding my hair. Just a toy for literally everyone to use. At all times, I felt my Owner close, sometimes even holding my hand, taking care that the flame wouldn't get to close to my hair, and reminding them if they approached some limit. Everyone understood the dynamic perfectly.

At one point, my buyer's footstool, who was left there the rest of the night, had a sub layed on top of them by their Dom, and they both did a full waxplay(i think?) session right on top of the footstool, which we could now rebaptize as a bed.

Wrapping up

We were. All. Exhausted.

Some of us had done other intense things during the day, but even for the ones who hadn't it was about 5:30 in the morning already, so we started gathering around for an after talk.

We all got some moment to say how we felt, if anything had bothered us. Everyone was mostly the same, had had an amazing time and was now very very tired. The little was taking a nap in the middle of the room, as they had some hours before, while people were spanking each other around them.

We got home, and then-

Sunday

we slept most of the day, my Owner took great care of me through cuddles, pampers and amazing food. Sunday pretty much dissapeared, we had a nice rest day and watched some shows.

All in all, an amazing night for both of us. I later got messages from some of the people who'd use me checking that everything was alright.

It was, everything was amazing, and I'm so glad I could be there with my Owner, who kept me at their feet, controlled and taken care of. Just their small little captive lion toy.

#text #journal #real

[the-blind-geisha]

Technically, I am an anon so you're not that far from the truth xD But I know you know I'm more than that <3

Hooo, you have my attention then! It sounds good! Really good! Damn I'll have to expose myself faster to bother you properly so you will tell me more about your ideas XD And honestly, as you mentioned Alice in Wonderland, I now think of Alice: Madness Returns' version of Cheshire. Loving that character to the bits <3 So, gather your ideas, dear! I'll be there soon, to get more ideas out of you!

Hey, I think redrawing your art is nice cuz you can see the progress your skill went through. Also, it's good you still have these pieces cuz AAAAAAA THEY WERE AMAZING (you gonna really make me hack your hard drive huh? XDD)

Oh my God, it'd be so fucking hilarious if Ulbert programmed some keyboards in Demiruge that immediately make him go with LET'S CONQUER THE WORLD!!!!!111111 Oh, right, I checked the tag cuz eh, I'm like on the volume before this season so XD and yeah, you're right XDDD Also, is that panic in Ainz I can read there? Good old Ainz not changing even in vol15. No, seriously, I need to rewatch all these scenes in which Demiurge explains to everyone the plan that Ainz has. These are really comedy gold.

Renner surely is a breath of fresh air but holy eff, seeing how much different she is from everyone is always so shocking, at least to me XD Like I said, never been into yanderes, but Renner is a damn good yandere. (Oh no, I think I know who you mean, yikes). About Ainz, that's why I love how overpowered he is! The enemies are taking out their last card, their super-duper-ascending-tier-magic shit and they are so super confident it'll allow them to win, only for Ainz to kill it with a snap of his fingers XDDDD Ainz manifesting 'gg noob' is always so wonderful to watch <3

Oh man, I think I got the idea of what I'm gonna do to expose myself. But eh, if only I was good at using graphic apps XD

Oh yes, I cannot wait to see how Demiurge uses someone's body as a baseball bat <333

Hm... I guess I need to check some Dead by Daylight videos XDD. I used to watch it a lot on streams, but I never heard those... injury moans... hmmm. ;))) As long as he had fun, that's all that matters. Not the fact that we are not being tortured by it XD

I heard stuff and watched a bit of gameplay of RE: Code Veronica, and I want to try it one day! But it'd be nice if they decided to remake it </3. But, hm, I cannot say I'm a big fan of RE... (remembers they have a nsfw alphabet with Carlos to finish)... yeah, that's right cuz I really don't like anything that has horror in it XD Still, omg, the atmosphere and the LORE is amazing there. I could spend my time reading wiki and I'd be so damn happy.

I have no effing idea who agreed to make Chris punch a effing bolder in RE5 and I also have no effing idea who made him such a dilf in Village but, Capcom will forever own my soul for doing these things. <333

Ah, another reason to expose myself. Hm, it's so temptingg ahhhhh!

Honestly, I'd love to write some snappy stuff with Demiurge for you, but uh, I'm sure I won't cover his personality in the right way XD After all, I watched Overlord so long ago (let's not even speak about LNs, I'm waiting for the series to finish to reread it but XD)

Enjoy your days off, dear! Do whatever you want, as long as you're having fun <3 - Pandemonium

Yesss! Exactly that Cheshire cat! I almost wanted to model Cheshire closer to that version, as he's my fave, but neh. Just did a 'close enough' idea. XD But my bestie gifted me an Alice Cheshire Cat bag and plushie, and omg, I love them both SO much! Take your time, hon!

PEFT. I mean, they are actually on my external. X”D All old art from fandoms I no longer participate in drift off my main PC just for the sake of room, but I do still have them! ♥

Ulbert did have the desire to take over the world so—who knows! Maybe he did do that! >3 Put that info in Demi's bio somewhere! Haha Vol15, Ainz does get a bit more bold saying 'what if I screw up' or 'what if I die' sort of stuff to get them to respond levelheadedly. XD It's just...a progress. It's like trying to tell children Santa's not real.

Renner is super cool, and I adore everything she does! I also love she actually kind of becomes Albedo's first real friend. In the latest season, while I got far more Albedo than I wanted, I still loved seeing her different personalities outside of 'omg, Imma jump Ainz'. Even if it was an act to be a political figurehead for Nazarick before humans, seeing her so reserved and kind was...so nice?? I dunno, it awakened something. But I'm already a sucker for succubi, so that wasn't hard for her to do. LOL

XD Take whatever time you need.

I will say, RE games are like my nostalgia. Will I write/draw for them? Neh. Not unless commissioned. I just prefer the atmosphere, like you said! It's so enjoyable and creepy. Those creepy letters you find scattered throughout some of the games to set the background are always a great read. They've stuck with me for years. X3;

Oh, come now! I am sure you'd write an amazing Demiurge! More importantly: it'd be written by you, so I know I'd treasure it! ♥

Thank you, hon! I am certainly vegetating as we speak. X3 I hope your day continues to go well!

#watching barrywasstreaming as we speak X"D #i adore his streams #they're so chill #mod answers #anon #anon: p #anon: pandemonium

[regatoni1]

~Chapter Thirteen~

T/W: MENTIONS OF RAPE

Brushing off your thoughts, you waited patiently until your friends arrived. With the timer almost up, you became extremely worried as they had only entered with about a minute to spare. 

You rushed over to them. "Gon! Killua!" you yelled happily.

"Hey (y/n)!"

"Gosh don't make me worry like that! I thought I was gonna have to leave you all behind!" you teased, putting Killua in a headlock and ruffling his hair, laughing at his protests.

With you reunited with your friends, you found out why they spent so much time in the tower. Damn horny Leorio... you thought while walking out of the tower with them.

The examiner explained that for the fourth phase, you would all be travelling to Zevil Island, where you would hunt each other, for your tags of course, by using any means necessary. You drew lots, and your target's tag was worth three points, as was your own. You needed six points to pass the phase. Anyone else's tag was only worth one point.

Pretty soon, you were called up to draw your lot. You had to wait in anticipation as everyone drew one, waiting until the last person drew to pull the sticker off, revealing your targets.

Nerves pulsing through you, you pulled the sticker off, to see your target was applicant number 301.

You looked around. Who is that?  Most people had already taken off their own badge to hide it, but you really didn't see much point in doing so. Coincidentally, neither did Gittarackur, number 301.

Great. I just had to get pinhead huh? Fuck! This is going to be way more difficult than I thought...

Sighing, you started to think of a plan. Unfortunately, you were probably going to have to use your nen, which you were hoping to keep a secret just a little bit longer.

You were so immersed in forging a plan to get his badge, you didn't even notice the sly clown that was looking over your shoulder at your target number.

"I could help you if you'd like," he said over your shoulder.

"No thanks. Don't need it," you replied, ignoring  the way his proximity gave you butterflies, how his scent invaded your nose, clouding any hope for clear judgement. Ignoring that how he offered you help made a blush creep across your cheeks, and definitely ignoring how you had hoped he would continue pestering you.

You even ignored the letdown you had felt when he walked away.

Making your way onto the boat that would take you to the island, you chatted with Gon and Killua about your pasts. 

You learned that Killua was from the infamous Zoldyck's, the long time and all powerful family of assasins. You also discovered that Gon was determined to find his father, Ging Freecss, whose name you had heard been mentioned once or twice.

"Tell us about your past, (y/n)!" Gon said excitedly.

"Yeah we know almost nothing about you," Killua added.

"Heh, well you're not the only one."

The boys stared at you confused, waiting for you to continue. Standing up and leaning against the side of the boat, you took a deep breath, inhaling the calming smell of the saltwater below.

"You see, I'm from Meteor City."

"Meteor City?" Gon asked.

"Yes. The city where no one exists. I grew up there by myself. I had almost no friends, no allies, basically no one on my side. But, I did have one person who I could rely on. Someone I could trust," you took another breath and sat back down beside them, ready to dig into your past.

"Basically, my parents had me for the sole reason of becoming the best assassin in the world. They started training me the second I was born. I went through gruelling torture sessions, hours of intensive training, along with some emotional abuse when I didn't learn something fast enough, or when I made a mistake."

"I don't remember much about who my parents were in general, but I always remember sneaking out late at night to meet up with Kiri, my best friend. We had met the first time I ran away. She had been scavenging for food, and we quickly hit it off. We had a designated meeting spot, a secluded ruin of a building."

"Almost every night, we'd meet up there and stare at the stars, or just lay in silence and bask in the comfort of each other. That is until she was killed. After that, I was completely alone until I met you guys."

"One night, I had just been hurled a flurry of curses and swears thrown at me from my father. Stuff like, 'You'll never be good enough!' and 'Stop being so pathetic and take the pain!' It was after I couldn't take any more of the chains, the whips, the stabbing, electrocuting, and had passed out."

"When I had arrived at our spot, Kiri was on the ground, bloodied and barely alive, clothes ripped up. There was a group of mafia men standing over her, one of which was just doing his pants back up. That's all I really remember before I saw nothing but red."

"Before I knew it, all the men were dead, their heads torn off by yours truly. I had run over to her, to see if I could even say sorry for not being there to protect her, but she was already gone. I just hope she saw that I killed them, I killed them all!"

"I should have been there! I should have just left a little earlier, and she-"

You stopped as Killua threw his arms around you, and Gon wiped a tear off your face.

"It's not your fault, (y/n)," Killua said solemnly as Gon silently agreed.

"Yeah, I guess. I just, I need a minute," you said, brushing past them and finding a bathroom.

Finally getting the chance to be alone, you broke down in the small bathroom. You sobbed, sliding against the wall. 

I could have saved her. I should have saved her. It's- it's all my fault...

Letting yourself break a little more each tear, you slowly stood back up after you heard the bell ring signalling the ship's arrival.

Looking in the mirror, you despised what you saw. The puffy eyes. The red cheeks. You were not weak. You didn't cry. You looked down at your hands, squeezing the sides of the sink. No remorse. No remorse, you chanted in your head, almost like a mantra. Squeezing so hard, you broke the porcelain of the sink and looked up at yourself one last time, anger rearing it's head. You punched the mirror, shattering it, shards of glass embedding themselves inside of your knuckle.

You left the bathroom and went back to the main deck, ignoring the looks people gave you. Hisoka was already gone, and you were next to leave.

When the girl called your name, you walked towards the forest, knuckles dripping with blood, hoping to see at least one person. You needed to kill. 

Killing wasn't something you enjoyed doing, but it was something that you had been trained to do. Something comforting, almost, and whenever you did it, you felt it brought you closer to Kiri.

Not realizing how far you had walked, you hopped into a tree and waited for the poor victim who you would see first.

239? Your lucky day. 

You jumped out of the tree and onto his shoulders, ripping his head off like a feral animal.

[maplecornia]

Our Story Won't End

𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚝: 13.1K

𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: Bangchan x female!oc | Jisung x female!oc | Jeongin as oc's brother | Felix as Bangchan's brother | Hyunjin as Bangchan's best friend

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: HELLA ANGST, f2l, slowburn (I think?)...and more angst, plus a little romance her and there, but mainly angst

𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: When she lost her memories, she was broken, searching for something she didn't realize she had been missing. What hides behind the forgotten memories of the past? Is love enough for her to let go and finally move on?

𝚊/𝚗: Hi everyone! And welcome back to the place where I enjoy torturing myself with hella angsty fics such as this one. As you can tell, I am perfectly fine and stable ^^

All jokes aside, I really hope you guys like this fic, even though I came up with the idea a couple months ago, I really like it (despite the angst) and I think it has a good message and meaning behind it. So I hope you like it just as me and feel MY PAIN.

Also, this complies with the @ficscafe exchange event so I wanted to write a little message to my person, @crispy-chan

Hi Jas! I hope you like the fic I prepared for you, I worked really hard on it, so even though it's a little long, I hope you still enjoy reading it. I tried to include as much of your preferences as I could, but it winded up being very angsty so I apologize for that ;-;. In any case, don't feel any rush to read it, I enjoyed writing it, and I just hope you enjoy reading it (despite how sad it may be).

𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: angsty | very angsty | did I mention the angst | please beware caution, this might make you sob and question why you decide to put yourself through situations that require your to sob | okay it's probably not that bad, but I just want to warn you | some spoicy scenes, but no smut...and really it's probably only one spicy scene | plus it's not even that bad | bad jokes and forced laughter because I tried really hard to create some lighthearted fluff amongst this depression show | extemely awkward moments because OC is a awkward person who doesn't know how to act around people | just kidding she's not that bad | mentions of bl**d and fire | some slight mentions of depression and dealings with trauma | mild language | there's really only one cuss word tbh lmao

𝚝𝚊𝚐𝚜: @crispy-chan | @kookaine | @nikiskies | @doievoir | @hyuckworld

(yeah i randomly tagged some people because i want to brag, so sorry for the disturbance...BUT LOOKIT WHAT I DID)

I remember flashing lights, broken glass, the sound of someone calling my name.

But I can't remember who. I can't remember his face, I can't remember his smell, I can't remember the way he used to hold my hands.

It's all blank, gone.

As though it never happened.

As though the slate had been wiped clean.

They say I was in a terrible accident, every day they remind me that it’s better to forget. That it’s better to move on, be grateful for the life you’ve been given.

Even though I have forgotten half of it.

And though they tell me not to worry about what I have missed, I can tell that they want me to remember. I can see it in their eyes when they look at me, the way they talk to me. They expect me to know who they are, they want me to know who I am.

Who am I?

Piper.

Wincing, I hold my head as it begins to swim with the memory.

Who said that to me?

When was it?

How long ago?

Do they still know me?

Or did I lose them too?

I have so many questions, but nothing to help me find the answers.

Shaking my head, I step forward, trying to make it home before the swirling storm clouds above start drenching me with their tears.

I don’t like the rain, but I don’t like sunny days either.

I rather prefer it when it snows.

When everything is covered in a blanket of white, so pure and fresh almost as though the world itself were standing still. I relish the silence, the peace snow brings. You know, snow doesn’t make a sound when it falls, not like rain. Instead, it flutters delicately down from the sky, almost as though each flake were an angel sent from heaven itself.

Are you an angel?

I flinch as flashes of white powder, blinking lights, and the harsh color of scarlet run through my mind. Memories that are not mine, memories that I do not remember, images I have never seen. The world around me swirls together as tears cloud my eyes, my head bursting with unknown information, unwanted images. Nauseous, and lightheaded, I fall to the ground, my hands raking through my hair in an attempt to force them back. In an attempt to forget that which I cannot save.

And that’s when I met him.

“Miss? Are you okay?”

.

.

.

“My name is Jisung, Han Jisung to be exact. In case you were wondering.”

He’s nervous.

I suppose it’s comforting knowing that I'm aren’t the only one.

I smile at the way he avoids my eyes and the slight blush on his cheeks. The fact that he’s so new, with no expectations, no pressure, no false hopes, or what could have beens...It's refreshing, and I can't help but feel as though he was one of the few memories I was able to make on my own.

"I know, you told me the day we met." I smile, and he chuckles.

When he saved me on the street that day, I certainly hadn't expected him to take me home. Nor ask for my number. He said it was so I could pay him back for the kindness he had bestowed upon me, but I doubt that was the case. I smirk at the memory.

"You have to buy me coffee, then we can call it even okay?"

Even huh?

"I'm Piper. Piper Rose, in case you've forgotten." He won't understand the bitter meaning behind the joke, and that's what makes it so amusing. He rolls his eyes at my not-so-slight mockery of him and runs his hand across his face.

"Should we just order?"

I nod.

"That would be the smart decision."

We hold each other's eyes for a long time before finally cracking up in laughter.

Yes, this is fine.

This is normal.

.

.

.

Settling into his arms, I relish in the mere presence of him. He makes me feel safe, he makes me feel at home, he makes me feel wanted. Not for someone I can no longer remember, he wants me for who I am now.

Looking up at him, I smile softly.

With him, I don't have to worry about the overwhelming stares and expectations. I can be who I am without worrying about hurting someone I never knew I could hurt. Things aren't as suffocating as they once were, because with him I can finally breathe.

Turning away from the movie for a moment, he looks down at me, having felt my stare no doubt. I meet his gaze with a mischievous one of my own, not daring to look away.

"What is it?" he whispers in my ear, and I giggle at the strange feeling of his breath on my skin.

"Do I have something on my face?" I snort at the question and can feel it as his smile only grows bigger. "I was sure I didn't get any butter on my face...shall we test that theory?"

My eyes widening as I realize what he's going to do, I push him away before he can nestle his face in my hair. Whatever he does have on there, I don't want to be contaminating my gorgeous locks.

When I try to scramble away from him, he tackles me from behind, and falls back on the couch, his body resting gingerly above mine. I laugh maniacally, squirming underneath his touch as he draws closer and closer to my hair.

"Jisung, no! You know how sensitive my hair is!" I shriek, grabbing his face by his cheeks. I snort as I see the way it makes his face puff up like a chipmunk, his lips pursed to twice their size and his eyes shrinking to the size of a peanut. He makes no move to remove my hands, just raises his eyebrow.

"Which makesh dem de perfect candidatche fuh teshting material." He mutters while I'm still squishing his cheeks, and I can't help it, I let go, laughing so hard my sides hurt.

After puffing up his cheeks and giving me a “blowfish kiss” on the cheek, he lowers himself on the couch so that he's holding me from behind, his face nestling in the crook of my shoulder blade and my neck. I can feel his warm smile against my skin as he pushes back my shirt to tenderly kiss my shoulder. Each kiss erases my laughter and adds a touch of intimacy to the situation, making butterflies stir in my chest, a longing to hold him forever arising in my heart.

The kisses move to my neck, and I close my eyes as they near my ear, leaning back into him and placing my hands on the ones which securely hold me tight to his body. I play with his fingertips, interlocking my fingers with his as he nibbles on my ear, causing me to exhale a sharp gasp of surprise. As his hands press tighter against my body, each movement growing bolder and confident, I know that he's becoming as turned on as I am.

I carefully turn my body so that I'm facing him, my eyes meeting his in a tightly locked stare. He watches me as though I were the only thing in the world, as though if he were to look away he would lose me forever. Wrapping my arms around him, my hand caressing his cheek in a slow tender movement, I can't help but think of how perfectly our bodies fit together. Almost as though we were made for the other.

“A separate puzzle piece that had been lost, but was finally found.”

At the voice, I flinch away, and Jisung's eyes soften with concern.

Sitting up in slight panic, I look around, trying to pinpoint just who is here, but once more there's no one to be found. My heart beating fast, I clutch my hand to my chest as though that would calm it. Jisung sits up next to me and cups my face gingerly in his hands.

"Is it another forgotten memory?"

That's what we call them now, memories I cannot remember, but sometimes show up as though they were some lucid dream. I must have been shaking because Jisung pulls me into his embrace, his hands stroking the back of my neck, a technique he picked up to calm me down.

"I can never see his face, but I always remember his voice. I don't know who he is, but he's the one I see the most." Biting my bottom lip, I wonder why I feel so sad. It's almost as though I'm empty, as though I had lost something.

Strange, because I have everything I could have ever wanted.

My hands clinging to him as though he were the only thing keeping me grounded, I can feel it when my bottom lip trembles as I try to hold back my tears. His response is to hold me tighter, in times like these, he refuses to leave my side.

"Who is he?"

.

.

.

After I was released from the hospital, my mother gave me these photo albums. Pictures filled with my childhood, memories that have been long forgotten encased within a sheet of paper and plastic. I never looked through them before, because I never felt the need to. I thought that if I was going to remember I was going to do it on my terms, in my own time.

But maybe that was just an excuse.

Biting my bottom lip, I hesitate before lifting the lid to the box keeping the albums hidden away.

This has more to do with just me now. It concerns both me and Jisung, and affects our future. I can't live the rest of my days in constant fear of my memories. I want to continue to be happy without the baggage of the past weighing me down.

Though I try to reason my actions, I know it's futile, and in the end, I place the lid back on the box. Staring at it in confusion, I run my hands through my hair.

Why can’t I do this simple thing?

Why am I so afraid?

"Piper?"

Flinching, I stand swiftly, kicking the boxes away as I face him.

"Jisung! Are you done with your shower already?"

He gives me a look before reaching behind me and pulling an album out of one of the boxes. I swallow nervously, turning away in shame. I didn't want him to know I was trying to remember, I didn't want him thinking I wasn't happy. Glancing at him, I try to read his expression. I wonder if he's hurt, angry. But as he looks up at me, I can only see love and concern for me in his beautiful eyes.

"This is bothering you, isn't it?"

I shake my head at the question, moving to sit on the edge of my bed.

"I thought it wouldn't bother me this much, but I keep remembering things I don't remember. I just don't want to be constantly afraid of things that I don't know." I sigh as I speak, and Jisung moves to sit beside me, setting the album back in the box. He places his arm comfortingly around my waist, and I lean into the invitation, nuzzling into his hold.

"I'm sorry, I don't want you to think that I'm not happy. I am! I’m the happiest I’ve been in a while. Perhaps ever.” He kisses the top of my head at the sweet statement, and I close my eyes longing to give into the safe haven his touch bestows. “I just don't want this weighing us down for the rest of our lives."

I intertwine my hand in his, absentmindedly playing with his fingers. He leans his head against mine in response.

"I understand, Piper. This is something you have to do." He presses his lips firmly against my forehead once more, his hand sure and secure around mine as he pulls me closer into his warmth. "If it's important to you, it's important to me too."

I close my eyes and move further into his touch, his warmth. He tightens his grip around me as I do, sensing that I just need him to be there by my side. It's almost as though he's my shield, a shelter from a storm I hadn't realized I was lost in.

Because with him, I'm finally safe in his arms.

.

.

.

"Yeah, I'm here."

Turning to look up at the looming house, a house filled with suffocating expectations, lonely halls, and cold affection, I try my hardest not to shiver. I may not remember my past, but I don’t need memories to know I hated this place with every ounce of my being.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come? I was looking forward to meeting your family." I smile, almost imagining his pout on the other side of the phone.

"I've told you before, this isn't a family you'd want to meet. Trust me."

Besides if he came then maybe he wouldn't settle for being with me as I am now. He might want me to become the past me, a distant memory that I can't remember.

I can't deal with that again.

"Everyone feels that way about their family." I shake my head at him. He doesn't understand. I don't fully understand myself, but something tells me that if he met them, he wouldn't want to stay by my side anymore. "I'm just worried about you. I don't want you to go through this on your own."

"I'm not alone." I take the necklace he gave me when we first started going out and rub it between my fingers. I can't help but feel warm and cozy at his words, I can't help the giddy smile that appears on my face when I know that there's someone out there that loves me. "I have you right here with me."

I can almost hear the grin that erupts on his face and I can't help but chuckle to myself.

"Anyways, I have to go now. I love you."

"Love you too."

Hanging up the phone, I take a deep breath as I turn back to the house. In the back of my mind, I remember muffled screams, broken glass, tears, and pain. Swallowing hard, it takes all I have not to run the other way as I walk up to the house, my steps foreboding and reluctant.

"Piper."

At her voice, I swallow the fear inside me as best I can.

"Mother."

.

.

.

"I wish you would've told me you were coming sooner."

I don't answer her. Most conversations with her never end well, it's better not to start them at all. She sighs at my silence before pausing at the door to my room.

"Here it is. I haven't gotten a chance to clean it yet, but maybe it'll help you feel more at home."

Or more likely to remember.

The pit in my stomach grows larger with each passing moment. Looking up at her, at the cold eyes, the impossible expectations, I try hard to swallow the bile rising in my throat. It takes a great effort for me to smile, even more for me to respond.

"Thank you, Mother."

She eyes me for a moment longer before nodding stiffly and moving away, back to the recluse of the suffocating walls. I bite my bottom lip as she goes, my nails digging deep into the flesh of my palm.

Would it have killed you to say you were glad to see me?

Shaking off the impossible wish, I turn to my room.

Nostalgia fills me with unforgiving longing, forgotten memories of when I was young and innocent praying to be freed from the cage that binds them deep inside my brain. Do you know how frustrating it is to be around a room that screams of memories, but you can't remember a single one of them?

"This was supposed to help me feel at home?" Scoffing bitterly, I pull my suitcase on top of my bed, ready to unpack. Even if being here makes me feel suffocated and small, the least I can do is try. That's what I promised Jisung. For better or for worse, I have to regain my memories.

"Piper?"

Surprised at the sudden voice, I hardly turn around before a body pummels into me, arms wrapping tight around my midsection. I laugh as soon as I realize who it is and slowly return the hug.

"I thought you would never come back." Jeongin murmurs, his voice thick with emotion and tears on the verge of being released. I smile affectionately brushing his hair back as he loosens his grip to look up at me with those gorgeous caramel eyes.

"Of course I came back, if I didn't I wouldn't be able to see you now would I?" He chuckles as I rub his head, and when he pulls away I try hard not to feel guilty.

I can’t tell him that the plan was to never come back

I don’t have the heart to wipe that beautiful smile from his innocent face.

"Why are you back Piper? I thought being here would be..."

He doesn't have to say it, we both already know what he means.

"Well..." I sit down on my bed and pat the spot next to me, inviting him to sit down. Once he does I rub my nose with his and he giggles, almost as though he were a small kid.

"Come on Piper! You're so slow!"

I laugh as I run to reach him, scooping his small body up in my arms. Giggling he tries to pull away from me, but we're already rolling down the hill, grass and leaves tangled up in our hair.

Two careless children living life as though it were our last.

If he notices the effect the forgotten memory has on me, he doesn't show it, instead, he rubs his nose in annoyance.

"I'm not a little kid anymore Piper, when will you stop doing that?"

My eyes widen at the statement, and I peer at him, taking him by the arm in urgency.

"I used to…?"

He looks at me, almost confused but when he sees my face, his eyes slowly darken as he realizes. I bite my bottom lip, releasing him as I look away. It's not my fault, but when he looks at me like that, I can't help feeling guilty for not remembering.

We sit there for a moment in silence, an uncomfortable gap now erupting between the two of us.

"When we were little, you would rub your nose against mine because I would cry a lot. It was your way of calming me down when it was clear I was getting upset about something. After that, you did it as a greeting whenever you met me." He smiles brightly up at me, his eyes filled with nothing but love and affection. No expectations, no unfathomable questions of hope and desire. Just a young man wanting to be close to his sister again. "You called it our fox kisses."

"What are you a baby pup?"

He pouts as he sniffles, his nose growing red as tears well up in his large round eyes. I smile, the resemblance to a baby fox too accurate for me to ignore, but that gesture makes him even more upset and his lips tremble, a sob ready to burst any second.

"No, I'm n-not! Y-you're just a big meanie P-piper!"

Affectionately, I press my forehead to his before rubbing my nose slightly against his. When I pull away, he looks up at me with wide glistening eyes. I grin, glad that I was able to calm him down before wiping his tears away.

"Now I see, all you needed was a fox kiss, little pup."

I blink in surprise at the sudden memory, before turning to my baby brother as he grins giddily at me now. It's only when he brushes away the tears that have coated my cheeks do I notice I've been crying. For some reason, the fact that my brother is now the one comforting me, instead of the other way around, fills me with so much sorrow that I can't keep the tears back anymore.

"Who's the baby pup now?" he murmurs, his hands warm on my skin, and I can't help but laugh through my tears, resting my forehead on his just like all those years ago.

"Thank you, Jeongin."

I've missed him.

.

.

.

Looking down at my phone, I check to make sure that I've gotten the address correct. Jeongin told me it would be hard to find, but that it might hold the answers I've been looking for.

I suppose I just wasn't expecting it to be a rundown hardware store.

Staring at it now, it doesn't ring any bells in my damaged memory, not like going back home did. Definitely not like when I saw Jeongin again.

Taking a deep breath, I head inside, a bell announcing my arrival with a sweet jingle.

"Welcome to..."

The voice that sounds quickly trails off and I look towards it, a bit confused.

A young man stands there, not much older than Jeongin, with tousled hazelnut locks and faint freckles dotting his nose. He looks at me, almost as though lost in a haze, his toffee colored eyes wide with shock. When I meet his gaze, it's almost as though I'm peering through a veil, he doesn't seem to be entirely there.

"What is it, Felix?" At the sound of the new arrival, I turn my attention his way and am met with a similar reaction. However, this time it's filled with more anger than surprise. "Piper...?"

I blink in stunned silence.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" At my question, Felix's face immediately falls, and sudden tears begin to well up in his puppy dog eyes. I flinch at the reaction, wondering just what I'm missing, but the newcomer quickly sets down the box he was carrying in and rushes to Felix's side comforting him.

"I-is he okay?" I ask, but it only seems to make things worse and Felix almost sobs in his friend's arms. His friend seems to be agitated and my presence only seems to fuel the flame. He shakes his head at my question before looking at me with fierce angular eyes, almost alight with a blue flame.

"He'll be fine," he nearly growls, and I flinch at the hostility.

"Would you mind waiting a bit over there?" At the gesture towards a gathering of some chairs at the entrance, I nod, bowing a bit to them before turning to the reprieve almost gratefully.

The man takes Felix away, probably to help him calm down, and when he comes back, he's alone, two mugs in his hands. I nod towards him thankfully when he hands me one and bask in the scent of the hot cocoa. It's one of my favorite drinks to have during the winter.

As I take a sip, he watches me with hooded eyes, almost speculating my every move. Noticing the look, I awkwardly set the mug down on the coffee table separating the two of us. He must've noticed my discomfort, for he sighs, placing his mug down as well.

"I'm sorry, I suppose it was just surprising to see you after all this time." He explains, and I swallow, shifting a bit in my chair.

There it is again, people expecting me to be someone I'm not.

"I'm sorry..." I start to mutter, ready to explain my situation, but he interrupts me.

"I'm Hyunjin."

Looking up at him in surprise, I reluctantly take the hand he's offered to me and shake it pitifully. He smirks at my reaction and leans back in his chair, sipping his hot cocoa.

"I thought you knew me." I mutter, and he raises his eyebrow over his mug.

"Just because I know you doesn't mean you remember who I am. Why? Would you have preferred I just wait for you to guess my name?" I shake my head, mildly shocked at his abrasive behavior. He scoffs, brushing back pieces of his gorgeous midnight locks, and back into the ponytail he keeps tied securely at the back of his head.

"Anyway, why are you here? Don't tell me you came to buy hardware supplies." I shake my head, reaching for my mug once more.

"No, not today.” He smirks at the attempt for a familiar joke, and I can’t help but smile as well.

“Actually, my brother told me to come here," I explain to him briefly before taking a long sip out of the mug. Nearly missing the incredulous look at passes briefly on his face.

"Jeongin?"

I raise my eyes to his over the mug, interested in how he knew his name.

"Do you know him?"

A dark look passes over Hyunjin's face at my question, and he nearly glares at me.

"That little pest," he mutters, and I balk, indignation rising in my chest.

"Excuse me?!"

"I'm sorry, but I think you should go." He scowls, standing and taking my arm firmly in his grip. I nearly spill the cocoa over my pants as he pulls me from my seat, and am barely able to set it down before he drags me over to the exit. Biting my bottom lip, I yank my arm out of his grip before he has the chance to throw me outside into the cold.

"Just what is your problem?!"

He turns to me at my shout, distaste clear on his face, as those eyes narrow almost to slits. I try my hardest not to feel intimidated, but it's nearly impossible with him staring me down the way he is.

"Look, I don't need to explain myself to you. I don't need your family screwing with us again, so please gladly see yourself out."

Anger brewing itself hot in my gut, I have to strongly resist the urge to slap him across his face. Before I can get a chance to tell him off, however, I hear the same voice I heard when I first entered the store.

"Hyunjin, what are you doing?"

He flinches, his entire demeanor changing as he turns to Felix, who has just returned.

His face is flushed, eyes red with past tears. I can't help but feel an unknown guilt in my stomach as I see him. As Felix's eyes meet mine, I can't help but avoid them.

Was I the reason for those tears?

Taking a deep breath, I realize just how bad of an idea this was.

"I'm sorry for taking up your time," I mutter before turning on my heel and walking out the door.

.

.

.

As I reenter my room, I have to resist the urge to throw myself on my bed and scream into the pillow. I was supposed to find answers, not make some random guy cry and then deal with the wrath of his boyfriend.

Ripping my scarf fiercely off of my neck, I throw it to the side, unaware that it speeds straight towards a picture standing quite obediently on my desk. When I hear the clutter, however, I turn towards the mess and curse quite colorfully under my breath.

"Can this day get any..."

My words are cut short as I pull my scarf off of the desk, and see the knocked-over frame. My brow creasing in curiosity, I lift it, brushing my fingertips over the protective glass.

"Who are you?"

In the picture, a man holds his arms around me, a grin bright on his face; dimples embedded into his cheeks. His head rests against mine, and I seem to be laughing as I lean into his secure hold, completely at ease and content. As he smiles at the camera, his eyes are bright with happiness, affection, and love. Looking at the picture, I feel a strange comfortable warmth erupting in my chest, something that makes me feel as though I am home. As though I finally belong.

I wonder if he was a past boyfriend, but I don't remember having anyone other than Jisung. Plus this doesn't look like it could have been taken more than 2 years ago...

My eyes widening at the realization, I quickly pull the picture out of his casing, searching for a date on the back.

December 17, 2019.

My legs suddenly going weak, I fall to the ground, the picture still held tightly in my hands.

This was taken two weeks before the accident.

Two weeks before I lost my memory.

.

.

.

"Jeongin, I'm not so sure this is a good idea."

As he pulls me through the hospital hallways, I try my hardest not to gag. I've always hated the smell of hospitals. The overwhelming smell of disinfectant and purifiers...it's as though they were trying to rid the world of a disease that refuses to go away.

"Don't worry so much, I visit her every Tuesday, she'll be glad to see you."

I roll my eyes at Jeongin's free-spirited nature.

Does he worry about anything?

How can he just live life as though there are no consequences?

As he stops in front of a hospital room, however, I get the feeling that it's a mistake for me to be here. Staring up at the looming door, I swallow hard, trying to erase the dread that begins to blossom deep in my chest. There’s no logical reason for me to feel this way. After all, I’ve never even met this person before.

Right?

"Oh! Before I forget, I have a present for you." He says, turning to me as he starts to fish in his pocket as though searching for some hidden treasure. I raise my brow in amusement at the sight. Maybe his carelessness is all part of his charm. It is kind of inspiring to see someone living life just so he can be happy.

I wonder what that’s like, living life without any regrets.

When he pulls out his prize, my eyes widen in surprise and I can’t help but gasp.

"Jeongin, where did you get this?!"

He presses it into my hands, offering me a closer look.

"It's yours, Piper."

At the explanation, I look up at him in confusion, but all he does is smile.

"You probably don't remember, and that's okay. But I know that you're trying your hardest to find everything you lost." He points to the ring that I hold delicately in my palm and I look down at it with a quiet wonder.

"This is something you lost, I was just returning it to you."

It looks as though it's an engagement ring.

The band itself is sterling silver, lined with gold. The diamond cut has been made to look as though it were a blossoming rose and somehow, sparkling dewdrops shine within making it seem as though there were a million stars hidden in its depths. I'm almost hesitant to touch it, blinded by the beauty of its iridescence.

"Oh! I almost forgot!" Surprised at the sudden outburst, I look up, wrapping my hand tightly around the ring. "I promised I'd bring it to her today...Piper, would you mind if I ran to the car real quick? I have to go grab something, it shouldn't take long."

"Of course, do you want me to wait for you here?"

"No, you can go on ahead." As he turns to go, digging in his pocket for the keys, I take his arm, stopping him.

"Jeongin, I can't go in there." I hiss, letting go at his perplexed expression.

"I don't know her. What am I supposed to say?" He rolls his eyes as though I were being ridiculous and I have to strongly resist the urge to scowl.

"Piper, it'll be fine. Besides she's sleeping right now, you won't be bothering anyone." When he sees I'm not convinced, he pinches my nose with a soft smile. "Don't worry, I won't be that long."

Reluctantly, I nod, watching him turn on his heel and head down the narrow hallway.

Maybe he's right.

Maybe I am being too wary.

After all, it's not like I'm intruding or anything, Jeongin wouldn't have brought me here if that was the case.

Turning to the door, I take a deep breath to steady myself before entering.

The room looks like any other hospital room would. White walls, white tile, harsh luminous white lighting...The only sign of color is the wilting flowers decorating the windowsill and the bedspread which was no doubt brought from home.

Stepping further into the room, I peer at the old lady who lies in the bed, and sure enough, she's sleeping as sound as a log. Letting out a deep sigh of relief, I quietly pull up a chair next to her bed, trying hard not to wake her.

Maybe, with enough luck, she won't wake until Jeongin returns.

Sighing I turn from her to the ring I still have clenched tightly in my hands. For some reason, looking at it gives me a sense of comfort and support. Tentatively brushing my fingers over it, I consider putting it on my finger just to see how it feels. Jeongin did say it belonged to me...but who would give me an engagement ring?

"Channie...? Is that you...?"

At the sound of her voice, I flinch, nearly dropping the ring as glazed faded eyes turn my way. Unsure of what to do, I consider bolting out of the door, but when her hand rests on mine I'm rooted in place.

"Love isn't as fragile as you think my dear." Smiling, she gestures to the ring resting on my finger. "It won't break so easily."

Blinking violently I swallow hard, wondering why a sob is waiting to be released deep in my throat. Looking at her I can't help but feel an incredible amount of sorrow and pain. As her faded grey eyes search mine, they well up with tears and she smiles almost brokenly as her warm hands rest on my cheek.

"You came back, you finally came home my dear."

My lip trembling, a tear runs down my cheek, which she quickly brushes away. Her entire being exudes comfort and love, it's hard to resist her affectionate touch. Noticing the ring I hold in my palm she lets out a soft gasp, touching it gently with her forefinger.

"You still have it!"

I watch as she pulls it from my palm and beckons for my left hand. I dutifully give it to her, mildly perplexed. Slowly, her careful fingers push the ring into its rightful place on my ring finger and I sharply gasp, before looking at her with wide eyes. She smiles warmly, brushing away more tears that have appeared on my cheeks.

"Love always..."

"...holds true." I grin, looking down at my finger, now sparkling with the adornment of the ring. Her words are something I hadn't realized I'd needed, something I hadn't realized I was missing.

Is it so wrong to finally feel at home?

"Halmeoni, why are you bothering her again?" I turn to grin at him, as he walks to my side, kissing me softly on the cheek. When he pulls away I take the hand he rests on his shoulder, intertwining my fingers with it, unwilling to let him go.

"Oh, calm your horses. I'm the one who gave you two that ring. You should be grateful." At her scolding, he only laughs, kneeling before her and laying his head in her lap.

"I know, halmeoni, I know. Of course, we are eternally grateful."

At his mockery of respect, she slaps him upside his head and he flinches away from her laughing. I chuckle as he tries to return to me for comfort, rubbing the back of his head and whimpering like a puppy but I shake my head at him.

"Don't look at me, you had it coming."

My eyes widening at the forgotten memory, I turn to her, taking her hands in my own before she can pull away. I open my mouth, about to ask her something when a voice interrupts me at the door.

"Halmeoni?"

Flinching, I stand, turning to the door.

The eyes that meet mine narrow nearly to slits as he takes in the grandmother's tears and my presence. Felix looks between me and Hyunjin, obviously nervous.

I understand your fear, Felix.

The woman who stands between the two of them gasps, tears automatically appearing in her eyes as soon as she sees me. She raises her hands to her mouth, her face turning pale as though she had just seen a ghost.

"Is it really..." Felix is quick to comfort her, cooing comforting words in her ears as he tries to frantically douse a fire before it can start.

"Yes, Mom it's her but you remember what I told you? She doesn't remember. She came to town a couple of days ago." Turning to me, with wide confused eyes, I can see that he's trying hard to keep his emotions in check. "I don't know why she's here though."

I wish I was smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut.

"Jeongin!" At my outburst the entire room turns to me, eyes wide. Chuckling nervously I silently wish I could just crawl back to my hole and die. "He's the one who brought me here..."

"Yep, that's me! What's crackalackin'..."

Smile fading and eyes wide at the sight of the people gathered in the old woman's room, Jeongin almost seems to deflate of all signs of happiness. Looking from me to Hyunjin, to Felix and his mother, and finally to the grandmother sitting peacefully in her bed, his once bright eyes go hooded and he almost visibly groans.

"Ah, shit."

.

.

.

"I honestly don't know why you're so mad, we didn't do anything wrong."

I wonder what their relationship is for Jeongin to be so comfortable around Hyunjin's glare. When Hyunjin grabs him by the arm, he doesn't even look fazed as he meets those furious eyes.

"You don't know what you did wrong? First, you sent her to our store, just so you could mess with Felix's emotions." I wrinkle my nose at the venom in his voice when he mentions me, annoyance rising like a virus deep in my chest. Sorry that "her" exists you rotten little-- "Then, you take her to meet his grandmother when you know full well it would deeply affect her! Halmeoni is still fragile after everything that happened, and you being here with her just makes things worse."

Jeongin scoffs, shaking his arm out of Hyunjin's grip before leaning close so that he's only a few mere inches away from his face. It's quite weird to see, however, considering the height difference...but the tension is clear in the air.

"I'm not the one who's trying to forget everything rather than dealing with it. Newsflash, Hyunjin! It wasn't her fault, so stop blaming her for your baggage!" His voice heavy and dripping with sarcasm and respite, Jeongin looks different than how he's looked before. This is a different side I haven't seen in him. He's bristling with anger, an unknown dark pit of fire alight in his normally warm and welcoming eyes.

His words clearly affect Hyunjin, who pushes him back almost viciously.

"How many times do I have to tell you?! Stay out of our lives!"

At his roar, Felix rushes to get in between them, pushing Hyunjin away from Jeongin as though sensing things are about to reach a peak that doesn't need to be climbed. Inwardly, I thank the heavens that we've moved outside. I don't want that old grannie to be seeing all of this, even if she isn't exactly here at the moment.

Jeongin scoffs, rolling his eyes and smiling almost bitterly.

"Fine, we'll stay out of your lives, but I won't stay away from halmeoni! Like it or not, we're a part of her lives too! She told us there was always a home where she was!"

Her hand wraps tightly around mine, her faded lips spreading into an almost goofy grin as she holds me close.

"My home is now your home. Always and forever my dear."

Hyunjin growls, literally pushing against Felix just to reach Jeongin, but all he does is meet his approach with disdain, almost near hatred.

"You don't get to call her that!"

Finally growing tired of it all, I join Felix amid the argument, standing in front of Jeongin, and meeting Hyunjin's malicious glare with one of my own.

"Don't talk to him like that."

At my sentence, he almost smiles cruelly, a dark look entering his eyes as he pushes Felix away approaches me. Narrowing my eyes his way, I raise my chin, readying myself for anything he has to throw my way.

"What do you know? You can't remember anyone or anything, but you just decide to come back into our lives after ruining everything?! What are you even doing here Piper? Why did you come back?!"

Everything that I had been hiding for the past couple of weeks, everything I've been trying to ignore seems to erupt as soon as Hyunjin says those words.

"I'm trying to remember okay?!"

He blinks in surprise, stepping back a bit, his eyes wide with shock.

Almost a sense of vulnerability.

"What?"

Looking between him and Felix, taking in their eyes hungry and desperate for an explanation, a sign of hope, I take a breath before continuing.

"I keep having these memories, memories I don't remember having...I feel as though I'm missing something. Something I need. As though there was something I was supposed to remember but I can't!" My voice coated with emotion, and my chest constricting itself so tight around my heart, I have to gasp for breath just to make sure I don't fall apart right then and there.

"Look, I didn't mean to lose my memory. I didn't come back to ruin your lives, I just want to find out who I am! And that lady in there, she was the closest I got to figuring it out. The only thing I have now is this ring and this picture and I--"

"Wait, what?"

I blink back the beginning tears, surprised at the sudden interruption and I turn to Felix who's staring at me with a perplexed expression. Stumbling over my words in my shock, I pull out the picture I found last night and hold it out to them. Jeongin peers at it as well, looking just as confused as Hyunjin and Felix. Felix looks to Jeongin, handing him the picture so he could have a closer look.

"I thought your mother got rid of all the pictures."

Jeongin bites his bottom lip in concentration as he examines the picture before looking up at me.

"Yeah, I thought she did too."

I search their faces, hoping that they'll let me in on the little secret but when it's clear they won't, I let out a deep sigh.

"What are you three talking about?"

However, before I'm barely able to get out my question, Hyunjin is already ready with a question of his own. He looks at me with those fierce eyes, at the moment unreadable and standoffish. I never knew honeydew eyes like his could look so cold and unwelcoming.

"Do you want to see him?"

When it's clear I don't understand, he turns the picture, pointing to the man who stands beside me. I look up at him, my heartbeat increasing rapidly. I don't know why I'm so nervous, or why I don't believe I can see the man anymore.

Nevertheless, I slowly nod.

"What?! No, Hyunjin, you know that taking her there will be too much of a shock. We don't want to damage her mental state any more than it's already been hurt."

"What do you suggest we do, Jeongin? This is the only option left. And if she really wants to remember she should be willing to do anything." I nod, for once agreeing with the crazy sociopath, and I swear he smiles at the sight of it. However, it vanishes just as soon as it appears and I wonder if I had just imagined it.

"I agree with Jeongin, Hyunjin. I'm worried, if we just dump it on her all at once, wouldn't she be deeply affected?" Hyunjin sighs at Felix's worries and gnaws at the inside of his cheek as though he was being scolded for something he didn't regret.

"I won't let you take her there, not yet," Jeongin tells him, almost firmly as though it were his decision to make. I look towards him, opening my mouth to be ready to scold him, but Hyunjin beats me to it.

"You can't stop me either."

And with that, he takes me by my hand, and pulls me away, towards his car. Felix and Jeongin call out behind us, shouting for us to stop, but Hyunjin acts as though he doesn't hear them. After a moment, I glance behind me to find that they're chasing after us.

Peering at Hyunjin as he reaches his car, opening the door and nearly throwing me inside, I swear I spy a ghost of a smile on his lips. A childlike glint inside his eyes. He quickly slams the door once I'm buckled in safely, and zooms to the other side.

Even with everything that happened, it's as though I'm watching a small child laughing as he ran away from his parents. As though this were merely a game of tag, and he was winning. At the thought, I wince as a ruthless stab tears apart my heart.

When was the last time Hyunjin laughed?

When was the last time he cried?

Is it my fault he's only filled with anger and hatred?

As he starts the car, pulling out of the driveway, and away from our friends, I can almost swear I hear him laugh to himself. A joyous laugh, almost as though he were a toddler playing in the snow for the first time.

And it nearly makes me cry.

.

.

.

The drive is quiet, Hyunjin doesn't look at me much, doesn't even meet my gaze once. He's completely focused on the road, as though refusing to acknowledge any distractions...including me.

You know, this place is supposed to feel strange, almost foreign. But these past few days, I've only been reminded of the things I've lost. The people I've affected, a strange nostalgic feeling, almost like deja vu. As though this were the true place I belong.

Was it a mistake for me to run away?

Turning to Hyunjin, I shake my head clear of the thought.

No, I did the right thing. He's the perfect example of how my presence here can only bring pain to the people I once knew.

"Hyunjin. I'm--"

"Don't." At his sudden dismissal, I look his way only to find his jaw tightening at the mere sound of my voice.

"Don't say you're sorry." My eyes widen as he glances my way, his eyes filled to the brim with a dark form of pain that I can't put into words. "Not until you remember what you're sorry for."

Biting my lip, I turn away, pressing my cheek against the cold window as I watch the beginning flurries drift from the sky down to the earth. I smile softly, reminded of the day when I first met Jisung. I know it wasn't snowing when I first met him, but the thoughts of snow were on my mind, and when I was lost within them he was the one there to save me.

I wonder if it will still be snowing when I return.

When I see the tombstones, however, I'm brought out of my thoughts and sit up straight in my chair.

"Hyunjin...where are we?"

He doesn't answer me, just pulls inside the cemetery. The tombstones growing around us as though they were a plague unwilling to be cured, I swallow hard, having to turn away from the window.

I've never liked cemeteries. You might call me a child, but it has nothing to do with ghost stories or death. To be honest, I don’t know the reason behind the fear myself. But every time I'm around one, a sick feeling of despair erupts in my chest, and it takes me a while to recover.

When Hyunjin pulls in front of a patch of gravestones, I have to try my hardest not to hyperventilate, my chest constricting almost as though a snake were debating whether or not they want to choke the rest of my life from me.

"We're here." He mutters, and if he notices my struggle he either doesn't care or pays no mind to it. He exits the car, slamming the door shut behind him. Flincing, I release a shaky breath, trying to compose myself. It takes me a while for my hands to fumble open the door and step out into the cold winter air, but once I do, I follow closely behind him.

"Hyunjin, why are we at a graveyard?" I hiss, almost as if I spoke too loud, I would disturb those resting there.

"This is where he rests."

At the sentence, a cold feeling of dread snakes its way into my body through my veins. It grows worse as Hyunjin draws closer to a tombstone adorned with a collection of snowdrops and pansies, one of the few flowers that stay in bloom during the winter.

A sob rising in my throat at the sight of the tombstone, I don't realize I'm avoiding the name engraved into the stone. Every fiber of my being is telling me to run away, far away. Everything inside of me is screaming that whatever truth lies before us will ruin me.

As we reach the tombstone, Hyunjin kneels before it, pressing his forehead against the stone as though he were greeting a long lost friend.

He looks so beautiful at this moment.

Drops of snow dappling his hair as though he were wearing a crown, his pale skin resembling porcelain in stark contrast to his red lips and dark hair. His long eyelashes fluttering against his cheeks as the snow almost turns them the same white color as the snowdrops adorning the grave. And when he opens them, they are filled with such overwhelming sorrow that cannot be described in mere words.

Pain in the rawest of forms, blossoms on him like a snowdrop blossoms in the harsh blanket of snow.

When he stands, he turns to me, looking the most vulnerable I've ever seen him. It attacks my heart, almost makes it break into a million pieces.

He nods to me, and I know what I have to do, what I need to do to remember.

I may not understand everything. I may not know who he is, nor how he got here, but the despair, the sorrow I feel...

That has to be real.

Taking a shaky breath, I turn to the tombstone, kneeling before it just as Hyunjin did. Raising a shaky hand I press it against the faded stone before opening my eyes to read the name engraved there.

Bang Christopher Chan.

Sudden memories bombard my brain, voices swirling around in my ears, a roar rising that is too loud to ignore.

Not anymore.

Memories of his smile, fragments of his laugh. His eyes, his lips, his hair. The feeling of his hands on mine, the comfort when he would hold me and whisper sweet nothings into my ear. Moments of happiness that I thought I had lost the day he left.

The day we first met.

"Are you an angel?"

I scoff, giving him a look over my shoulder.

"Don't make me hit you."

He just smiles, a smile that brightens his entire face despite the dirt, makes him look younger than he is. A smile that stuns me into silence.

"My name is Christiano Bangnaldo, but you can call me Bangchan."

I sputter out a laugh at his name, and he laughs along with me, his grin deepening his dimples and turning his eyes into crescent moons.

"I'm Piper."

The day he told me he loved me.

"Whenever I'm on my own, I feel lost, but with you, I'm found." Glancing my way, he smiles at my expression. A smile that attacks my heart, makes me wonder if there's anyone as perfect for me as he is. "It's like we're pieces to a puzzle, and I was a separate piece that had been lost, but with you, I was finally found."

The day he knelt on one knee and we made a promise to last for the rest of our lives.

"I love you, Piper. You know that."

When he kneels, I have to try my hardest not to cry. He smiles at my expression, wiping away a lingering tear. My heart feels like it's about to burst with happiness that I don't deserve, that I never will deserve.

"And I want to continue loving you for the rest of our lives."

A ring placed on my finger, the same ring that rests there today.

I choke as more memories cram themselves into my broken mind. As pieces of the puzzle piece themselves together. Memories of him and me, memories I should've never lost but had forgotten for the longest time.

Flashes of time spent with Hyunjin, Chan's best friend and my longest one. Lovable and playful moments spent in his family's hardware store, restocking the shelves and dealing with crazy customers. Paint wars, and endless teasing.

Moments with Felix beside me, offering me comfort when Chan wasn't there. His sweet words and advice which made me believe in myself again. Letting me know that I'm not as lost as I thought. That there are still people who are there beside me even when I feel alone. Baking matches spent in the kitchen, gentle words, and kind gestures.

Memories with Jeongin, reliving the moment I first saw him in my mother's arms. The way he wrapped his tiny hand around my finger. The moment I realized that I would never leave him alone in a house too big and too suffocating to be happy. Rolling down hills, leaves and sticks tangled up in our hair, fights and fox kisses, love and support for the other until the end of time.

And then it comes back to Bangchan.

It always comes back to him.

A summer romance starting when we were kids and returning once we had grown. Now more aware, but still lost. Struggles with finding who we were and what we meant to the other. Fights of jealousy, and tears when we were misunderstood, but above all a burning passion of love for the other. One that always brought us back to the other.

Picnic baskets, and sunny summer days.

Springtime and the smell of roses dancing in the air.

Fall and the smell of brisk winds, apple pie, and cider.

Days and seasons which hold traces of him in my heart.

Moments that I cannot think of without thinking of him too.

Then the memory of snow. Heavy snow, showing the beginnings of a storm. The darkness of a cold winter night, but this time we were not inside warm in front of the fire, instead we were in a car, driving fast down the snow-ridden roads. Away from a life of suffocation and fear and towards a life where we could be happy without the pressures of our family weighing us down.

The memory of when I lost him.

.

.

.

"Chan, look outside," I murmur, smiling softly at the sight of the snow. "It's snowing."

He looks at me, an affectionate smile resting on his face. He looks at me almost as though I were the most precious thing in the world. I feel the stare hot on my back and I turn to him, raising an eyebrow.

"Watch the road, Sir Bangnaldo." He laughs the same childlike laugh that made me fall in love with him, and I turn my face, unable to suppress the grin that appears.

Though the storm rages cold outside I can't help but feel warm and safe when I'm next to him. I can't help but feel as though I'll never be hurt again as long as he's by my side. Maybe I'm being naive. Maybe I'm stupid to believe that true love exists.

But all I need is the ring on my finger, all I need is the memories in my brain, all I need is him by my side. Turning and admiring him as though he were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, I smile softly to myself.

He may not be perfect, but he's perfect for me.

And that's all I ever need.

My eyes dazedly trailing from his face and to the world outside, they widen as I see it.

A deer tromping through the woods and straight towards the car.

Towards Chan.

My warning shouts before I can even hear it, and Chan, surprised, swerves the wheel, missing the deer. Instead, he hits an icy trail on the road, and the car spins off out of his control. I press myself tight against my seat, closing my eyes tightly as my hand blindly reaches for his, just so I can know he's all right.

I'm never able to reach him.

Chan tries his best to regain control of the vehicle, but before he can, it rams right into a tree on the side of the road, the impact throwing me forward with such force that I hit my head on the dashboard.

The airbag was too slow to catch me.

I don't know how long I was out, the world turned dark for only a few moments, but when I woke up it was to Chan's voice.

Drowsily, I blink open my eyes, a faded view of Chan in front of me. His eyes are wide, and filled with frantic fear. I can hardly hear him over the roar in my eyes, but it's clear he was saying my name.

"Chan...?" I croak, allowing his gentle hands to raise my head off of the dashboard, and onto his chest as he reaches and struggles to unbuckle my seatbelt. Still delirious, but the roar quieting to a gentle lull, I smile nuzzling into his warmth.

"You're here."

"Yeah, yeah I'm here baby I'm here." He nods, his voice frantic and coated with heavy emotion. I wonder why.

Why is he so scared? And what is this wet stuff in my hair?

Concerned even through the numbing pain in my skull, I look up at him and see that he's crying. My heart breaking at the sight of his tears, I raise my hand and struggle to wipe them away.

"Chris...why are you crying?"

He shakes his head, biting his bottom lip, as his cheeks become wet with tears. I can feel a sob start in my chest, my eyes welling up with tears as I cling to him. Somehow, I know this may be the last time I see him. Almost as though I'm a child, I don't want to let go of him.

"Christiano Bangnaldo, you better tell me what's wrong right now." I whimper, my lip trembling at the nickname.

The first inside joke we shared. Will it also be our last?

He swallows hard, pressing his head against mine as he finally undoes my buckle, his hands now holding my body close to his. His tears run down his cheeks in waves, and I find that I'm also sobbing, my hand clenched tightly around the fabric of his shirt.

The cold from outside is creeping into the car despite the fire starting to catch around us. As I cling to him, I shiver violently. Normally, every time I hug him, all there is is warmth and comfort. He's still warm, he still comforts me, but the chill that clings to me and my bones isn't a chill that belongs to the storm outside.

"It's because it's time to say goodbye." He answers me, his hands stroking the back of my neck. A gesture he learned to help me calm down.

I never realized that until now.

In a moment, I recognized all the things he did for me.

The way he lived for me to be happy.

Just as I had lived for him.

I shake my head violently, tightening my grip around him as he tries to push me away.

"No! I won't leave you, I won't leave you alone! If you're going to die, I want to die with you." I can feel it as he starts to shake, his sobs almost transferring themselves into my body, creating a deep sorrow I never thought I was capable of. My soul is slowly breaking, slowly tearing away piece by piece with every moment that he distances himself from me.

Preparing me for a life without him by my side.

A life I don't want.

"You have to, Piper."

He places his hands on my cold cheeks, wiping away the tears that refuse to stop running. His own eyes are sparkling with tears, as though trying to turn them into a sea of sorrow and despair.

"Besides, I'll be right behind you okay? Trust me, everything is going to be fine."

My lip trembles as I wrap my hands around his for the last time, and I slowly nod.

My head is pounding, my instincts screaming at me to get out of the car, to find help before it's too late. I don't notice that it's an empty promise. I don't notice how the car has caved in on his legs. I don't notice that even if he wanted to, he couldn't follow me if he tried.

Instead, I'm filled with hope. Naive hope, broken hope. Hope that if I let go now, he'll be able to follow me and then we can be happy together. That this is just a minor bump in the road.

But as he pulls me in close for one last kiss, the taste of salt and iron clear on my tongue, I can't help but sob. Even in my damaged delirious state, somehow I know that I may never see him again. Somehow, something deep within is screaming at me to hold him tight in my arms for just one more moment.

One more second, one more smile, one more kiss.

When I pull away from him. When I no longer feel the warmth of his touch. When I stumble out of the car and quickly hobble a good distance away, I am still filled with the thought that he's right behind me. I'm still filled with the hope that when I turn around I'll see him standing right behind me. That he'll take me up in his arms, hold me and comfort me and tell me that we're safe, that we're going to be okay.

But then my legs can no longer carry me. I fall to the ground, the injury to my head blurring my vision, blood painting the snow red. Then I turn back to the car, my heart hoping to see him running after me, ready to wrap me up in his arms...

But no one is there.

Panic rising in my throat, despair dropping my heart to the bottom of my stomach, I scramble in the snow trying to stand and run back to the car. Pull him out of the car and back into the safety of my arms.

"Chan!" I call out, as though it would magically make him appear.

"Christopher!" I try to stand once more, but the rest of my body has gone numb, and I fall face first into the powdery snow.

"Ch-Christiano...Bangnaldo..." I whimper, pulling myself forward by my arms. I can't feel anything, my body is numb with cold. My heart frozen with despair. The tears freezing on my cheeks just as soon as they warm them.

As I raise myself once more to try and shakily run towards the car, the timer of our lives together has finally run up and it blows, a blast of hot gas and fire propelling me back away from the car.

Away from Bangchan.

Away from my future.

My vision blacking in and out, I'm just barely able to angle my face towards the car, towards him.

"No..." I mumble, my body numb with pain and sorrow as I reach towards the car. Towards him.

"C-come back...Please d-don't leave me..."

But he's gone.

And the hollow fact repeats itself in my head over and over and over again as though it were a siren meant to remind me of my pain. A crack that no amount of time or love can ever be able to fix.

When I blackout, that is the only thing I'm aware of.

Pain and the cold of the unforgiving snow.

.

.

.

"Piper! Piper, snap out of it!"

It's cold, my cheeks are wet with tears.

I should feel fatigued, I should feel tired, worn out.

But I've never felt more aware.

Turning to Hyunjin, I look up into his worried eyes. He flinches when I do, and in the back of my mind, I wonder what my face looks like for him to react the way he did. Breathing heavily, I accept his help for me to stand, but almost just as quickly, I turn from him without another word.

If he calls out for me to come back, I don't hear him above the roar that rises violently in my ears. I stumble numbly, wincing each time my shoes crunch in the snow, only reminded of everything I lost.

Of everything I forgot.

The tears seem to be never ending, as though my sorrow refuses to let me forget again. As though I'm destined to be stuck in this pain for the rest of my days.

When Hyunjin realizes where I'm headed, he runs desperately, trying to stop me before I reach the car. Luckily, I've had enough of a head start so that even in my current state, I'm able to get in and start the vehicle before he's even halfway there.

I don't know where I'm driving, I let my mind take over. Speeding down the icy streets, tears blocking my vision, and sorrow taking a deep plunge into my heart. I scream as though that would compensate for everything I had given up. I scream for everything that I have lost, for everything that I can never get back no matter how many tears are spent over him. No matter how much sorrow I feel at his absence in my life.

How could I have forgotten him? How could I have forgotten everything?

He was supposed to be mine.

We were supposed to be each other's half.

The missing piece to complete the other.

What am I supposed to do now that he's gone?

How am I supposed to fill the aching hole that has now erupted in my chest?

The sky darkens as I speed out of town, down the back roads, down the icy streets, down the same path that we traveled that night.

That was supposed to be a happy night. A night where we could finally be together and be happy. A night where I didn't have my mother forcing her life down my throat. A night where I finally escaped the brutalities of that household, where I finally left everything behind and would be by his side forever.

It was supposed to be ours.

My eyes widening as I see a deer dashing across the street, I slam the brakes, skidding to a stop just in time. Breathing heavily, I look up above the wheel to see the deer staring at me with wide doe eyes. They're frightened, scared, but she can't move. The lights have her stuck in one place. Blinding her from any other aspects of reality.

Swallowing hard, I slowly turn off the car's ignition, the headlights blinking off. The doe blinks almost as though waking from a dream. She regards me with feigned curiosity, but after a moment, she continues on her path, heading back to the safety of the woods. Back to what is familiar, what she knows by heart.

Shaking my head, I step out of the car, pocketing the keys and closing the door shut behind me.

This is the place.

This is where my world fell apart.

Looking around, I realize that the trees have grown since then, the path has become smoother, the snow not nearly as heavy.

Things have changed since then, haven't they?

As I look around, I recognize the spot where the car crashed, the tree still scarred with the burn marks from the fire. My lips trembling, I walk over to it, placing my hand on the trunk.

Why do I feel closer to him here than at the place where he is buried?

Choking on my sob, I turn to the road, a patch of freshly fallen snow covering up the blood, covering the burns that were left on that night. The very same markings that have now secured their place deep in my heart.

If only a broken heart could be so easily mended.

Sniffing, I fall to my knees on the snow, the place where he died.

The place where I left him.

Carefully lowering my body into the cold blanket of snow, I lie where he would've lied. I place my head where he must've cried. I bury myself in the snow where he said his last goodbyes.

Where he was lost to me forever.

"Please come back to me." My voice breaking off into a sob, I shake with despair as I nuzzle my head into the snow. Perhaps trying to find the same warmth and comfort he offered to me without fail every time I needed him. Curling into a ball of my sorrow, I lie there amongst the tears and the snow, the relentless cold unable to compete with the anesthesia my heart now knows.

.

.

.

When I wake, it's not to the cold.

Instead, it's to the warmth of a home. the smell of nostalgia and memories. A smell of family and love. A smell that you always find yourself craving, but can never describe when others ask.

Drowsily pulling myself out from the comforting warmth of a multitude of blankets, I look around the room. It seems as though I'm in an apartment, the crackling of a fire no doubt to blame for the cozy aura. As I take in more of the room, scattered piles of books, a coffee table in front of a widescreen TV, a comfy sectional couch circling the living room...

"Recognize it?"

Surprised, I turn to Hyunjin, who's bringing me a mug, and by the smell of it, it's filled to the brim with hot cocoa.

"It's Chan's apartment, isn't it? The one you two shared ever since you were in high school." He nods, handing the mug to me as he settles on the couch next to me. "Chan's father kicked him out of his house because he didn't want to follow the path his father laid out for him. You were already living by yourself since your family lived in Seoul, so you offered to share it with him."

The two of us share a smile, and I realize that this is the nicest he's been to me the entire time I've been here. It's also the closest I've felt to him since being here. I smile to myself.

Maybe it's out of pity.

Or maybe he doesn't have to feel guilty anymore for remembering when I forgot.

"That's the reason isn't it?" I mutter to myself, and Hyunjin turns to me, a bit confused.

"You didn't want to burden me with the pressure of expectations. That's why you kept me at a distance. You were trying your hardest to make things easier for me." His eyes widen at my revelation, and his face flushes as he turns away, not answering me, but it's enough to confirm my suspicions.

"You know, you're too easy to read." He rolls his eyes at my slight jab his way, elbowing me playfully.

"Just finish your cocoa."

We sit there in silence, just watching the flames chase each other in the fireplace as they devour the wood that keeps them alive.

Slowly dying but enjoying every moment of their life while they still can.

"How did you find me?"

He sighs, setting down his cocoa before answering me.

"Felix and Jeongin. They caught up to us right before you sped off. Jeongin was part of the party that found you and Bangchan that night, so he guessed where you were and we were able to find you before you froze to death."

At the explanation, I can't help but shiver, wrapping the blankets tighter around me. The cocoa suddenly tasteless, I place it next to Hyunjin's on the coffee table.

"I'm sorry Hyunjin." He looks my way, surprised at the sudden apology, but when I turn to him with a tear-stained gaze, he visibly flinches, his face going pale.

"Geez, Piper. You know I'm not good with tears." I chuckle, shaking my head. He's right, even when he got his first girlfriend, he wasn't able to handle it when she cried. Hyunjin may seem a bit cold, but really he's a big sweetheart. He just doesn't know how to express it at times.

"Besides, you have nothing to be sorry for."

I smile at the comforting words.

And above it all, he's incredibly kind.

"By the way, your boyfriend called you." At the mention of Jisung, I flinch, a newfound dread creeping its way into my heart. "I answered and told him what happened. He'll probably be here in a couple of hours."

I groan, holding my head in my hands.

Somehow, Hyunjin talking to Jisung doesn't wind up panning out well in my mind.

"This may just be my narrow-minded opinion, but he seems a little stuck up. No offense Piper." At the snide comment, I burst out laughing, a little shocked to find my suspicions so quickly affirmed. He chuckles along with me, his laugh never failing to spread the smile on my face and chase all my worries away.

Glancing up at him from between my fingers, I realize something.

"Pipes."

At the nickname, he turns to me and I meet his wide eyes with an affectionate smile.

"You used to call me Pipes." It's his turn for his eyes to well up with tears, and his lip trembles as he struggles to keep them back. I blink rapidly, swallowing hard and struggling to gain my composure as I continue.

"I hated the nickname because it resembled the shoots of metal that transported our turds out to the ocean." At my bizarre explanation, he snorts between his tears, and I bite my bottom lip in an attempt to keep back my triumphant grin. "But you would always call me that no matter how many times I'd argue with you about it."

Wiping away his tears and gaining his composure after his giggle fit, he looks up at me, his beautiful hazelnut eyes shining with affection.

"So you really do remember everything."

I nod in response, before sighing and leaning my head against the back of the couch.

"Oh Hyunjin, what am I going to tell him?"

At my question, he sighs, knowing exactly who I'm talking about without me having to say the words. Picking up his mug, he shrugs, taking a sip before responding.

"Nothing..." I almost whip my head up to give him a look, but he rolls his eyes indicating that he's not finished.

"If you want. Everything if you need to."

I turn away, looking at my hands, as though they would hold the answers I need.

As I do, I catch sight of the ring still secure on my ring finger. My heart jumping as I realize I’m still wearing Jisung’s necklace, I have to choke down another sob rising in my chest as the crack on my heart deepens.

"It's up to you Piper. Nobody else can live your life but you, so you have to make the best decision for you to be happy."

Almost forlornly, I turn to the ring, touching the delicate diamond rose as I’m reminded of a time where this was the most important thing. Where if I was without him I would be lost forever.

"Whether that choice is to hold on..."

But I was wrong.

"...Or let go. It's up to you to make it."

Someone did find me.

And this time, it wasn't him.

Pulling the ring off of my finger, I catch sight of the hot cocoa mug sitting obediently on the table. Smiling to myself I place the ring beside the mug, trying to ignore the lump that rises in the back of my throat. Letting go, no matter how healthy the decision is, is never easy for someone to do.

"You know, I never liked hot cocoa."

Hyunjin watches me as I stand, walking over to the window. Outside, it's snowing. Turning the world white as soft powder creates a blanket of ice and cold to cover it in its relentless stupor, ridding the earth of any signs of life and fertility.

"I don't like snow either. It's cold and unforgiving."

"I know, it was a major personality trait for you," Hyunjin says from behind me, and I chuckle at the thought in the back of my mind.

A reason why I will never be separated from him.

I couldn't even if I wanted to.

"What is it?"

Pressing my hand against the cold glass, I smile as I watch the snow dance peacefully as it finds its place on the ground. Not one like the other, but all meant for a single purpose.

"It's Chan."

You're my missing piece, I suppose that's why I will never be able to forget you. Why you never really left my thoughts even when I was lost and alone.

"He loves the snow."

You've already made your mark on my heart long before I was ready to let go.

I won't say goodbye to him. I don't know how.

But at least I know that I can let go, without feeling any more pain.

For he'll always be a part of me, as constant as the winter snow.

thank you for reading! this was a really hard fic to write, but even though it's sad I hope you guys still like it nonetheless. I can't tell you how many times I cried making it, and it's really my fault for creating it...but still.

anyways despite all the sadness I really like this fic and think it's one of my best works so I hope you guys think so as well.

anyways...

check out the Stray Kids masterlist for more SKZ content

check out my KPOP masterlist for more Kpop content, and more groups to read from

#stray kids fanfiction #bangchan fanfiction #stray kids angst #angst #slow burn #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #bangchan imagines #bangchan scenarios #{our story won’t end} updated! #kpop fanfiction #writeblr #writing #writers of tumblr #writeblr community #writers #amwriting #OC #OCs #stray kids novella #stray kids slow burn #stray kids x female!OC #stray kids drama #stray kids realism #stray kids romance #stray kids tragedy #bangchan novella #bangchan angst #bangchan x female!OC #jisung x female!OC

[kristaline2dmensimp]

Marco x reader (NSFW)

Warning: Femdom(?), Unprotected sex, slight bdsm.

A/n: Its already oct 7 in my country!!! In all honesty this is my first time writing smut so bare with wrong grammars? 😅 also this is kind a birthday gift to myself. 😁

(ahem @thatbadbruja My friend and fellow Marco simp I won't definitely forget to tag you on my Marco's content. 👀)

1,743 words

*****

3rd person's POV

This last few days you couldn't sleep well since you started to have this fantasy with your lover a.k.a Marco appearing frequently in your dreams. Moreover, in an outrageous state.

Imagining about taking complete control during your sexy time with Marco's hands tied to the headboard panting and moaning, both body glistening in sweat- wouldn't leave your mind.

Succumbing to your desires, you embarrassingly confessed it to Marco which he responded with a raised brow, but didn't dismiss the idea of it. In fact, he's quite curious; he's more open about his kink and fetishes to you, so hearing you voice out your own desire he's more willing to oblige. Which resulted to being locked inside the privacy of your room, full on liplock sharing a hot intense kiss, pulling away only to breathe; discarding each other's clothing until you were left with only your undergarments and him being completely bare.

"Strawberry will be our safeword." You said pushing him down to the bed, with a small smirk on your face. "I think you're underestimating me Yoi." He chuckled pulling you on top of him mirroring your smirk as you straddle his waist.

Smiling you lean down to his ear before you grind against his pulsating cock, wiping the smirk from his face, prompting a deep groan from the Marco.

"Just a precaution, my dear." You whispered before smashing your lips on his, tongue on the mix, one hand caressing the tattooed part of his well toned chest to distract him while your other hand reached for something on your bedside table.

Marco, of course, isn't one to give up easily, so expect a little challenge from him. He smirked as he tried to gain momentum on the kiss.

Frowning, you hump hard enough into his hardened cock swallowing his moans of pleasure.

He tried to move his hand to touch you but felt half of his strength drained from his body. Pulling away for air, a string of saliva connecting you two, looking up, that's when he realized you had cuffed his hands to the headboard.

'when did....' Marco wondered in shock.

"Oh, I hope you don't mind being tied up for a little while." You said massaging his chest with a small grin.

"Really yoi? Seastone cuffs?" He asked panting fo air looking at you through half lidded eyes. He can't deny he's actually turned on by this.

"I know you're not complaining. So relax, I'll make sure you enjoy it." You said grinning as he gulp seeing the mischievous glint in yoir eyes that made his cock stiffer than usual.

"My, my. You seem really excited." You said feeling his hard member under your clothed sex.

"Well that's your effect on me." Grinning at his reply, you lean down kissing his lips soflty before traveling down to his neck and chest until you came face to face with his aching cock.

You took a hold of his hardened shaft pumping it slightly and his hips instinctively jerk into your hand.

"f-f*ck (____)." He groaned out throwing his head back into the pillow, hands clench and unclenching tugging on the restraints you put on him as you drag your tongue from the underside of his shaft to his tip, licking off the precum before swallowing him.

"Shit f*ck!" He grunted catching him off guard by starting immediately on a fast rhythm, bobbing your head up and down feeling his legs tense up.

"Haa...haa...sh*t you're honna make me cum faster than I thought." Marco moaned accompanied by the rattling of the chains at his futile attempt of breaking free. Not being able to touch your face, your hair, 'anything' are pure torture to him.

Feeling delighted knowing you were responsible for the sound of pleasure leaving his mouth, you suck roughly on his length hoping this would push him over the edge.

"(____) I'm c-cumming." Feeling him twitch in your mouth, you immediately pull away. "wha- hey." He whined from the lost contact leaving him fromt the peak of his orgasm. He lift his head to look at you, eyes filled with lust and out of breath.

"Do you wanna cum Marco?" You teased, stripping off your remaining undergarments. "If you're gonna cum.." You trailed off taking his hard shaft and aligning it at your entrance. "Then do it inside!" You finished your sentence as you slam yourself down, the delicious stretch, movement and the thickness of his cock made you moan louder.

"Wai–" He didn't had the chance to finish what he was saying when his body stilled, releasing a strangled groan as he came deep inside of you, back arching feeling the tightness of your walls.

Your body shivering from the feeling of being filled to the brim. "Haa...haa..you came so..much." You panted both of your face flushed red and body covered with sweat. Smiling you look at him in the eye.

"Round two babe? I haven't came yet." You coed and before he could comprehend the dangerous glint in your eyes, you began to lift your hips up before slamming it back down, eliticing the loud sweet moan out of Marco.

"(___) w-wait! I just ca~me." He moan throwing his head back on the pillow, restlessly clutching and tugging the restraints on his wrist, flexing the fine muscles of his arm.

"F*ck!" He cussed. Without the healing properties of his devil fruit, Marco could thoroughly feel the slight overstimulation mixed with pleasure coursing through his body. This may be the first time he felt this kind of sensations and boy it felt too good. The drool at the corner of his mouth and the way he he shut his eyes closed are the proof of it.

"Haa..fuck it." He panted before digging the heel of his feet down to the mattress, moving his hips to meet your thrust feeling determined to make you cum faster. "Ahh!" The action made you gasp and moan as he hit your sweet spot. Falling forward to his chest both of you were breathing heavily but your movements didn't falter still maintaining the fast rhythm.

"Don't think just because...I'm tied up with sea prism stone...I dont have the energy left....to f*ck you..yoi." He said in between breaths while looking at you straight in the eye. "heh, we'll see...about that." You responded picking up the pace.

Groaning, you two chase each other's lips, muffling the sound of pleasure only pulling away for air and your body began to tremble feeling your upcoming release. Your hands on his chest for support.

You shut your eyes closed as you bit your lower lip while Marco let out a hoarse moan feeling you clamp down on him.

Noticing this, Marco speed up his thrust knowing you're gonna cum sooner or later as he found your sweet spot intensifying your pleasure. He smirk watching as you gave off a lewd expression while wiping the drool off at the corner of your mouth.

"Mmm, feels too good." You said slamming down on his shaft matching his pace. Encouraged by your words, Marco continously hit your sweet spot that made you see stars until your orgasm hit you hard to the point you collapsed on top of him. With one last thrust he came deep insde you.

He gave off a rugged breaths as you pulled yourself off, shuddering at the oozing feeling of his release down your legs.

"That was....amazing." Marco stated catching his breath before looking at you. "It sure did." You responded staring back at him.

Marco felt a chill ran down his spine seeing the dangerous glint on ypir eyes haven't faded. He jolt at the feeling of your hand on his softening shaft trying to spring it back to life.

"Haa..(____) stop pls....f*ck!" Marco whined as he squirmed, already feeling sensitive, you had made him cum twice without even a few minutes break.

"Is it too much? Yoi can say the safeword dear." You stated, pausing your ministrations to give him the chance to reply, but you were met with silence his gaze full with lust and heavy breaths.

"I really shouldn't underestimated you. Hope your done with the few seconds break, Marco." You coed secretly pulling out a blindfold, both of you were clearly enjoying this.

Your alluring smirk was the last thing he sees before you put on the blindfold on him, his other senses heightens.

You lean down, capturing his lips swallowing his groans and moans while you kept stroking his shaft.

"The main event is yet to come." You whispered tugging his bottom lip, aligning his semi hardened shaft at your entrance, you began to slowly sink down making him moan loud from the overstimulation and his grip tightened at the chains of his restraints.

" Haa.. You're lucky that you put...ahh...seastone cuffs on me or else...ah sh*t You'd be at my mercy yoi." Marco said struggling to keep his moans down as you started bouncing up and down on his shaft.

You knew he'd never let you go easily and his statement is the proof of it, so why not make use the best of it?

Feeling him twitch, you smirked. "Too bad, I'm in control." You responded letting out an occasional moans when the tip of his cock graze ypur sweet spot.

Completely drowned in pleasure, Marco let out a strangle moan, flexing the veins and muscles of his arms as you made him cum for the third time yet your movements didn't falter.

"If I can only escape this cuf-" Marco didn't had the chance to finish his sentence when you captured his lips, tongue dancing together.

'haa...f*ck..' He thought feeling his impending release coming quicker than the last one.

"I'm coming master~" You grinned widely when Marco cussed out loud from hearing your words, both of your bodies were already covered in a thick sweat and exhaustion were taking over, yet you had the the gal to still tease him? Was what marco thought and he wonder when did you become so bold. But he wasn't going to complaining.

"(____) I'll surely..haa..get you back for this yoi.." Marco stated tugging the chains as you giggle. "I'd be disappointed if you don't, my dear Marco~" You coed before you two came undone reaching pure ecstasy.

#one piece #marco the phoenix #marco x reader #marco x you #one piece imagine #one piece x you

[tinyboxxtink]

"Not My Yacht" *Chapter 1?*

So this is interesting:

So "Not My Yacht" was my very first fic. Like, I'm talking VERY VERY first.

So when I started asking around about ideas for a new series, a few of my lovelies went through my one shots and this story and "Doodling" got some good votes.

So, I decided to include the one shot and just added to it for a POTENTIAL new series. We'll see how this chapter goes over.

Also I'll be including Rita Calhoun in this for the FIRST time ever, so I may need assistance from @storiesofsvu to get her voice right. I did my best here. I'll be honest I've never really watched her, just that one where that guy blackmailed her or something.

Also Also, if it wasn't obvious enough this is obviously the beginning of the SVU episode "Her Negations".

I don't want to give anything away because I haven't even really thought that far, but I'm 95% sure this is going to turn in a William Lewis situation fic. So...pretty dark. I'm just warning you NOW.

Tag List

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@word-scribbless

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

And yes, the results are in. There is a part 2!

You breathed in the salty air of the sea of the sunny South Hampton shore; It was a beautiful day for a yacht party.

You walked along the pier as you got closer to your boss’s boat: The Crime Wave. Her husband’s idea of a funny name she claimed as she had invited people from the office to this soiree. You were lucky to even get an invite, just being the assistant to the owner of the law firm. “Who else is going to help me dodge boring conversations with men who just wanted a "free ride” on the bosses boat?“ She had teased you; or at least you hoped she was kidding.

You really wanted to just relax and mingle among the elite lawyers of NYC, seeing as you wanted to be one of them someday.

You saw your boss, Rita Calhoun waving you down as you reached the dock space.

"Ah! There you are, for a minute I thought I’d have to mix my own drinks!” She laughed with a wink. You laugh nervously, unable to discern if she was kidding.

“Calm down sweetie, I’m a big girl. Besides, I like to make them myself, strong,” she laughed again, patting your shoulder. Crap had your face looked that panicked? Keep it cool!

“Go ahead, enjoy yourself. I’ll be here, making sure none of those damn punks tries to sneak on here for free booze,” she scoffed, nodding to a group of highly dressed teens playing chicken on the shoreline.

You nodded with a half laugh, stepping onto the yacht. It was a decent size, a second level deck and a very spacious main level. Not a lot of people had arrived yet, so you decided to pick a spot on the yachts back bench area before all the seating was taken. You began removing your over clothes revealing your swimming wear when you hear Rita greet someone else.

“Ah, Barba. You know we have flare guns on board,”

You turn to see the ADA of New York, Rafael Barba. He’s dressed in a windbreaker and what could be either a dark red or salmon polo. You realize Mrs. Calhoun is referring to the almost neon yellow color of the windbreaker, and you can’t help but giggle. It must have been way too loud because they both turn to you which caused you to immediately shut up and go back to undressing and laying out your towel, but ever so slightly still honed in on the conversation.

“You can never be too careful Rita, who knows how many enemies I’ve made in this town; someone might throw me over,” he smirked.

“And anyone here could make it look like a very convincing accident….even my aspiring protege over there,” Rita nods over to you, knowing full well what you were doing.

Barba turned and looked at you, your body frozen in mid towel thrust. You didn’t know whether to throw it over yourself or just run off the boat right there.

“I know it’s an awful jacket dear, you don’t have to keep staring at him.” She called over to you. God why did she have to be so….her.

“Jesus Rita give the girl a break, or did you invite her just to torture her on unbillable hours?” Barba scoffed with a half smile, walking over to you.

“Is it really worth the minimum wage to put up with her?” He asked.

“Mmm…it’s more for the experience, honestly.” You replied surprisingly smoothly.

“Oh….well I mean I could give you the experience without–” He started but was interrupted by your boss’s loud exclaiming.

“Yeah I’ll BET you’d give her experience Barba! Stop hitting on my intern and mingle with the adults.”

If you could dig a hole straight through the boat into the ocean you would do it right then and there.

“…..Without THAT.” He rolled his eyes, lightly flipping her the bird behind his back. You see her respond with a laugh then turns her attention back to the guests boarding.

“She’s probably been drinking since she got on the boat, yeah?” He asked you.

“I…I don’t know I just got here….” You managed to squeak out as your towel strayed from your hands. Barba grabbed it and helped you reposition it on the bench.

“Kinda windy for a yacht party, but Rita will take any chance to celebrate anything remotely resembling a boost to her ego. Am I right?” He chuckled, before sitting down on your towel.

“Just to keep it from blowing away, do you mind?” He asked, gesturing for you to join him. You nodded a boisterous “NO”, plopping next to him on the bench.

“I’m Rafael Barba,” he extended his hand to you, which you took and shook gently, praying to God he didn’t notice you were literally shaking. You had probably had the biggest crush on him since you started working with Mrs. Calhoun, he was constantly in her office challenging her with warrants and favors.

“Oh yeah I know,” you blurted out, mentally facepalming immediately.

“I see….” He raised an eyebrow. “And you are….?”

You were about to answer when his phone went off. He answered it putting one finger up and mouthing the words “one second.”

“Barba. Yeah….what? Seriously, Olivia? On a Sunday?!” He groaned into his phone with an exaggerated eye roll. He raised his hand and ran it over his face begrudgingly as he talked.

“Yeah….alright, fine. Yeah I’ll be there, give me an hour. I’m in the Hamptons. Because it’s my day off, Liv! Do you think I lock myself in my office over the weekends like a vampire in a coffin? Yeah…I’m sorry, I just…” He glanced at you.

“I was enjoying my Sunday.” He gave you a small sad smile.

“Yeah. Ok. See you soon.” He hung up the phone with an exasperated sigh.

“I’m sorry, I gotta go back to the city. Don’t let Rita push you around too much, okay?” He chuckled, rubbing the top of your head like a puppy. You felt your face scrunch up in annoyance, seriously? He thought of you as a kid?!

He obviously noticed, and quickly held out his hand again very sternly.

“Sorry, future counselor.” He said in an overly serious tone, and you couldn’t stop yourself from giggling. Again. Like an idiot.

Relieved he had fixed his faux paux, he gave you one last beautiful Barba grin as he jogged over to Rita and told her something before nodding to you once again, then walked off the boat and disappearing down the pier.

Your boss sauntered over to you, a shit eating grin across her face.

“Well Cinderella, you sure kept that cool.” She gestured for your phone beside you.

“Be sure to tell him your name this time,” she winked, handing it back to you. You glanced down at it as she walked away; she had added a number to your contacts.

“BHole Barba.” You laughed out loud. Nice. Maybe she wasn’t such a horrible boss after all….

--------------

By Monday you still hadn’t had the balls to text Rafael Barba. You had just stared at the number in your phone, imagining all the possibilities contacting him would lead to. You may have gotten so far as planning your summer wedding in the Hamptons, but nobody needed to know that.

But you had chickened out and left it alone, and now you were sitting at your desk typing up a memo for Rita when you saw him come waltzing through the door.

“Ah, Cinderella!” He smiled at you.

“Hey…” Your mind went blank, you couldn’t think of words. Wait, had he already given you a nickname?

“Cinderella?” You blinked in confusion.

“Well I never caught your name-- But I guess I shouldn’t even push it, you’ve clearly moved on and I must seem like a creep,” His train of thought proceeded out loud as he realized you hadn’t taken his number and here he was still flirting with you. Rita had given it to you, he had seen her type it in your phone. Obviously you weren’t interested, why was he pushing this?

“What? NO!” You said a little louder than you intended, actually a lot louder than you intended. You slapped your hand over your mouth after your little outburst, but to you relief he was still smiling.

“Oh? Well I suppose that’s good…” He was obviously fishing for your excuse as to why you had waited until he popped back in your face to talk to him.

“No, I um--” You racked your brain for an excuse that wasn’t “I was busy planning our lives together”.

“I….couldn’t think of something interesting to say,” You finally admitted with a pitiful sigh. You were not a good liar, and under pressure, forget about it.

Again, he still smiled-- but this time he laughed along with it.

“I mean, ‘Hello’ is always an option,” He chuckled. “Or...your name?”

“Oh!” Idiot. You hadn’t even given him your name, how was he supposed to fall madly in love with you without a name?

“Y/N,” You stuck your hand out awkwardly, Was this a ‘shake hands’ moment? Hadn’t you already met before? You stared at your hand as you moved it slightly back and forth, arguing with yourself whether or not this was necessary. Luckily, Rafael settled the argument by taking your hand and shaking it firmly.

His hands were so soft, his long fingers enveloped yours in them. You lost yourself in the moment, and before you knew it he was making an uncomfortable cough, snapping you back to reality. You dropped his hand and snapped yours back into your body like a zip cord, your face in a horrified stare.

“Oh God, I’m so sorry, that was so weird. I’m weird. I’m--”

“Well I don’t know what you were so worried about Cinderella, you’re clearly a chatterbox,” He gave you a tongued smile, referring to the word vomit you just couldn’t help spill all over him.

“Oh yeah, I’m a total word machine,” You laughed nervously. A word machine? What the fuck was that?

“...Word machine. Right,” He nodded in amusement. “Well word machine, would you mind shooting some words to my phone, or do you just enjoy this face to face thing?”

“With that face? Definitely the latter. But you can have my number anyway,” You typed a quick message and sent it to his number. Damn that was smooth! How did you do that?

Rafael made an impressed face with your line, but when he opened his phone his brows furrowed.

“Hit?” He gave you a curious look as he read the text out loud.

“Fuck it was supposed to be ‘hi’-- stupid autocorrect,” You muttered angrily. Yeah, that was more like you.

“Oh yes, the dreaded autocorrect,” He nodded while saving your number. “Turning fucks into ducks since 2011,”

“Oh I didn’t have a phone in 7th grade but I’ll take your word for it,” You laughed, but stopped when his face twisted into a mix of horror and discomfort when he realized how young you actually were.

Dammit. Why...why would you do this?

“....Right, is Rita in?” He quickly shoved his phone back in his pocket and headed into Rita’s office before you could answer.

“...Idiot!” You yelled at yourself as your hands went over your face and your face planted into your desk.

Well, that was nice while it lasted. All 2.5 seconds of it.

-----------------

“Well Barba, about time,” Rita smirked as Rafael abruptly burst into her office trying to get away from you. “Done flirting with the intern are we?”

“Shut up,” He rolled his eyes, though his face was a deep shade of red.

“Oh no, what happened? Did your dentures fall out in front of her?” She smirked.

“I’m younger than you!!” He scoffed.

“Yeah but I’m not the one trying to boff a 25 year old,” She smirked harder, making Rafael angrier.

“Can I just get the warrant I came here for, Rita?” He huffed.

“Oooh, struck a nerve there, did I?” Rita chuckled as she grabbed some papers from her desk and started to hand them to him. “Barba, for the record I’m really not judging you. If I were 20 years younger, I’d hit it too,”

“Excuse me?”

“I had a lot of ‘cats’ in college,” She winked.

“Wow,” Rafael held up his hands. “Rita, we really don’t need to be that personal.”

“Fine, but all I’m saying is if you like the girl, don’t let a stupid thing like age deter you. Don’t tell her I said this, but she’s actually very competent and organized. I would almost prefer her not to graduate, unless she'd come work for me. She’s going to be a hell of a lawyer,” She gestured outside to your desk.

Rafael looked at the ground as he mulled over what she was saying, a small smile crawled across his lips as she complimented your potential.

“I’ll take that under advisement, Mrs. Calhoun,” He nodded as he walked towards the door with the papers in his hand, a huge smile across his face now.

He walked out to find you cursing at yourself and whimpering in embarrassment at your desk. When you heard the door shut you snapped to attention and stared at him, shocked he hadn't sprinted out of the office like Usain Bolt. Even more shocking was that Cheshire cat grin now upon his face.

“I-I’m sorry, I totally meant I was--” You tried doing math trying to make yourself reasonably older.

“It’s fine,” He chuckled as he put a hand over your counting fingers. You blushed at the touch of his skin on yours again, but quickly shoved your hands under the desk nervously as you tried not to look him square in the eye. His eyes were so gorgeous you were positive staring straight into them would actually get you pregnant.

“So does Rita ever unchain you from this desk?” He smirked as he was now very aware and very amused at how nervous he made you. He may be old, but clearly he’s still got it.

“Oh yeah, if I ask very nicely she let’s me--” You tried to think of something witty, but it wasn’t coming with him staring at you with those eyes. “....Yes,” You wanted to put your hands over your face but you didn’t want it to be a ‘thing’.

“Well, maybe if you’re an extra good girl she’ll let you off your leash early tonight,” He winked.

“....Am I a dog or a toddler in that situation?” You were genuinely asking, but Rafael clearly realized how insulting that must have seemed.

“Oh no no no, I just, shit,” He tried to backtrack but if he was being totally honest, you made him nervous. Maybe he didn’t have ‘it’ as much as he thought.

You noticed he was the one blushing now, oh my god were you making him nervous? QUICK, BE SMOOTH. BE SMOOTHER THAN YOU’VE EVER BEEN IN YOUR LIFE.

“Are you asking me out, counselor?” You did your best “sultry “voice with a bat of your eyes. Were you batting them too much? What was too much? Oh god you’ve done it for too long now. STOP BATTING.

“...I don’t know, guess you’ll have to wait for me to text you, future counselor,” He was impressed by the line, and decided to bow out before either of you made idiots of yourselves again. He gave you a wink and sauntered out of the office.

Great. Now he’ll probably make you wait two days for a--

*BEEP*

Your phone went off in your desk. You pulled it out to see a text message:

BHOLE BARBA: Dinner? Tonight?

You really needed to change his contact name. But that wasn’t the point right now. He just asked you out. Rafael Barba just asked you out. You stared at in your hands, unsure of what to do. Then you realized you couldn’t do this again, you couldn’t just sit there and imagine things, this required an immediate response.

You nervously typed a reply and hit SEND:

Sire ;)

“DAMMIT!!!” You cursed your autocorrect. You instantly sent another text.

Sure***

Before you could lecture yourself again, your phone beeped again:

BHOLE BARBA: Play

Play? What did that--

BHOLE: Okay** ;)

You typed the word ‘okay’ into your text reply bubble, ‘play’ came up in the autocorrect word list.

He was joking with you. He was flirting with you. RAFAEL BARBA WAS FLIRTING WITH YOU.

This work day could not end fast enough.

#rafael barba #rafael barba x you #rafael barba x reader #rafael barba fanficton #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfiction #not my yacht #raul esparza