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arlh0e · 4 months

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Now that it’s done

Rating: we’ll call it PG-13 for explicit language

Warnings: Hozier x fem!Reader, angst, post-break-up, anger, lots of feelings, explicit language, francesca by Hozier, I might make you cry

Summary: you and andrew had been broken up for almost a year. Everything had been perfect in your relationship for years, but while he was touring for his second album, there was a lot of stress put on your relationship. Stress that unfortunately bubbled up into something which at the time couldn’t be fixed. So you left him. His newest album, ‘unreal unearth’ has been out for a few months and though you were a fan of his music, you hadnt been able to bring yourself to listen to it until now.

Everything about this felt wrong.

Though, you knew that Andrew released his music to the public for everyone to listen to, you still felt weird. He had written music about you before and you had listened to that but this was different. Anything from the new album would be about your break up.

It felt like an invasion of privacy considering the two of you hadn’t spoken since you left him.

You really didn’t know what to expect.

You weren’t sure how you’d feel is you listened and heard him singing about another girl. You were even less sure how you’d feel if you heard him singing about you.

You decided to say fuck it and just scroll through the whole album and pick the first song that caught your eye. A song titled ‘Francesca’ your heart dropped. What if thats the name of the girl he’s seeing? He never dropped your name publicly. Ever.

You click on it and immediately you’re met with the softest guitar melody. It made you think of the melodies he used to write when the two of you first started dating. One of the melodies he had said sounded like falling in love with you.

The memories brought tears to your eyes. The thought that he could have been writing about someone else so soon made you livid.

It had only been a year and while you were still just trying to pick up the pieces from having to leave the person who you thought you’d spend your life with, who you thought you would marry and bear his children, he was already writing love songs about other people. How dare he.

You waited a bit longer until you started hearing words though to form a concrete opinion.

‘Do you think I'd give up

That this might've shook the love from me

Or that I was on the brink?

How could you think, darling, I'd scare so easily?’

Your mouth hung slightly agape. So he was seeing someone else. Someone who maybe had their doubts about him and he wrote this as a letter of convincing.

The confirmation that he was over you felt similar to him twisting the knife that was still in your chest (although you were the one who put it there, but it still hurt.)

‘Now that it's done

There's not one thing that I would change

My life was a storm, since I was born

How could I fear any hurricane?’

Oh.

And suddenly you were back in the mindset that you should not be listening to this.

He was pouring his heart out to you. Publicly of course, but you still shouldn’t be listening. This was private. It felt like you were reading a diary entry of his and once you started you couldn’t stop.

‘If someone asked me at the end

I'll tell them put me back in it

Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah

If I could hold you for a minute

Darling, I'd go through it again, ah, ah

I would still be surprised I could find you, darling

In any life

If I could hold you for a minute

Darling, I would do it again, ah, ah’

Everything inside of you wanted to break down and sob.

How long had he been thinking about this? More importantly did he still feel this way? Was he still sitting there wishing you had given him another chance?

You stared blankly at the wall for the as you listened to the rest. Everything he had to say was so perfect. It was a comfort to know that through all of the pain you felt leaving him, of wishing you hadn’t, but rationalizing your actions through blaming it on your loneliness.

You had broken up with him because of how hard him touring and constantly being away had been on you. Every single moment was agony, and after doing this with him twice through two albums and then with him constantly being in the US for interviews and to work with new bandmates, you broke. You left him. You had moved into your parent’s house and out of the house he had bought for the two of you in Ireland before he had even gotten home from his most recent trip. You left him with nothing but a note (a rather long one at that, all things considered, but a note nonetheless) explaining everything. You knew you couldn’t break up with him face to face. You would have pussied out and stayed.

If you had known, fully understood the utter devotion he felt toward you, even now, even after the way you had left, you never would have done so.

And just when you thought you would get through the entirety of this song unscathed, with just a few tears shed but no real damage done.

‘Heaven is not fit to house a love like you and I.’

And that was all it took.

You weren’t even really in control of your own body as you stood and went to gather your things.

It was a 30 minute drive to the house you weren’t even sure he would be at.

As you walked to the car, you pondered for a moment giving him a call to ask if he was home, but thought better of it knowing he would ask about why you wanted to talk so suddenly. This was a conversation which needed to be had in person. You couldn’t’t let him talk you into having it over the phone. You wouldn’t let yourself be persuaded into taking the easy way out of an important conversation with him again. This was too important.

The tears wouldn’t stop flowing from your eyes. Even as you were driving, you couldn’t stop. This had broken every ounce of strength and pride left in you that had kept you away from him.

Only now were you realizing just how much energy this last year had taken out of you. You knew it would be hard even before you made the decision to leave, but you never imagined the toll it would take on you after you had done it.

Every once of free time you had was taken up by thoughts of him. If you weren’t working, you had been looking for every distraction you could. Whether it be spending time with your friends and family or going to a bar to meet a new boy who you’d take home, talk to for a few days, but ultimately never met for a second time.

Your friends had even gone as far as to start calling them your “flavor of the week”, a name which, while fitting for what you had been doing, still didn’t hurt any less.

You wondered in passing if any of your friends had told him about the volume of your personal conquests. He wouldn’t have cared of course, you knew all too well that he wasn’t above a few one night stands in order to get over a break up. He’d probably slept with his fair share of people over the course of the last year as well, but you still didn’t want him to know.

Your thoughts were going a mile a minute as you drove the familiar route to your former lovers house. Your former house.

The thought of seeing even the front of the house made you feel ill. You hadn’t been back since you left and you weren’t ever planning on it.

You felt the need to throw up as you turned into the dirt road that led to the house. You remembered going to visit this house with him when you first started tossing around the idea of you moving into a house with him. You remember knowing that it was perfect from the moment you saw it. You remember how you went around the house describing the life you pictured the two of you living in that house. You remember all the remodeling the two of you did to make sure that your home would be perfect. You remember the extra room upstairs, which you thought you’d be turning into a nursery at some point.

Your stomach lurched the closer and closer you came to the driveway.

There was nothing else out here, and even from a ways out you could see that the lights were on inside that house.

So he is home.

Your breath became shaky as you pulled into the drive next to his car.

The walk up to the door felt like it took ages. Your shaking hand reached to ring the doorbell.

Silence.

You frantically wiped away your tears which were still falling. You thought for a moment about what he would think looking at you after all this time, crying on his porch, sopping wet from the rain, shivering from the cold and the anxiety that racked your entire body.

You thought for a moment about ringing the bell again, or maybe knocking this time. You were utterly impatient, you needed him to answer the door before you turned and ran.

You reached out and opened the screen door, quickly attempting to knock on the interior door at the same time that it swings open.

“Oh um… hey.” You blurt out. You mentally give yourself the beating of a lifetime for how awkward you’re being.

Looking up at him, you can see that his hair is a lot longer, and his beard, while still the same length is a lot fuller. You briefly remember what it was like to run your fingers across the stubbly skin of his face.

His eyes are full of concern as he looks down at you, noticing the tears and how absolutely sopping wet you are from the rain. “Hey, are you okay? Come inside, Jesus.”

He grabs your arm gently and guides you inside. You’re sobbing still and tremors are wracking through your body while you look up at him. “I just- I uh-“

“Hey, it’s alright.” He laughs a little bit “let’s get you calmed down first, do you want some tea or anything? I still have a box of that jasmine tea you like.” You sniffle a bit and nod, looking down and making eye contact only with your feet. This was ridiculously embarrassing. “With honey still?” You started crying a bit harder as he recalls how you like your tea. After a year he still remembers how you like your fucking tea.

You follow behind him, still shaking and take a seat at the kitchen island while he starts the water and hands you a mug. Your favorite mug.

Fuck.

You took a moment to calm yourself down while he stood across from you, pouring the water, wrapping the string of the tea bag around the handle, squeezing just the right amount of honey into the mug and then handing it to you with a smile.

By the time he’s done, you’ve managed to calm down enough to talk to him.

“I just wanted to talk I guess.” You cant look up from your tea. You’re still crying but it’s slowed to a steady trickle now as opposed to violent sobs.

“About what?” He sounded genuinely interested. Or concerned. Or both.

“I uh…” You take a deep breath in to calm yourself. “I listened to Francesca…” your voice was small, quiet enough that you weren’t sure he would hear you.

“Oh. Thats what all this is about?” He moves from his position leaning against the counter and walks around the island to sit next to you.

You felt as if the whole world was spinning and suddenly you went from not being able to say anything at all to everything coming out at once.

“I don’t know, Andrew, if I had known I would’ve at least called. I would’ve tried to figure it out, I-” I pull my hand up over my mouth like it would help hold in the tears and choked sobs that had returned. “I left because I thought you didn’t love me anymore. I dint know, I didn’t think it would matter, especially not now I just…” you let out a deep sigh. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

He lets out a small chuckle and reaches over to pat my shoulder. “It’s okay. I did always joke around with Alex that if you ever left me it would be because I got stupid and probably deserved it.” He gets up and goes back to the kitchen with my mug to wash it. “I’m really happy to see you though. I missed having you around if nothing else.”

“Yeah, I miss you too…” you were still just barely whispering. You did miss him. You wanted to come back. You wanted him to let you come back. “I really fucking did it this time didn’t I?” I laughed through your tears.

“I don’t think so.” He shrugged and moved back over to you. “I think you did what you needed to do so that you could be happy.” He shrugged. “I could never be upset with you for that. I never was. Not even for a moment.” You look up to see him smiling down at you. It’s sad, you can almost see the memories of the two of you flashing through his eyes as they turn glassy.

“I wouldn’t blame you if you had.” You shrug. It was true. Nothing about this situation was okay, and it was all because you hadn’t seen how he felt about you while you had him.

“Well, apology accepted. You don’t need to feel bad. And for the record that song wasn’t meant to guilt trip you.” He laughs.

“I never thought that it was.” I sigh. Of course he thought you were just here because you felt bad. “I fucking hate this. I hate not talking to you, Ive been fucking torturing myself not calling you or showing up here. I can’t fucking do this shit anymore.” You sigh. This was a stupid idea. Of course he thought you were just here to apologize how fucking idiotic were you to think that you could come in here, apologize and everything would be okay again.

“I um… I should go. I shouldn’t’t have come it’s late I’m really sorry to bother you.” You shake your head and quickly stand to make a quick exit. His hand flies up to your wrist to stop you.

“Please stay.” His eyes are gentle and he’s standing so close. “I meant every word that I said. I’m not upset. I never was.” He pulls me to his chest and wraps his arms around my shoulders.

You didn’t think you were capable of crying this much in one night. Being so close to him brought it all out again, sobs were racking through your entire body. He still smelled exactly as you remembered. He was so comforting and yet this was the least comfortable experience you had ever been through. “I just want to come back.” You were back to whispering again. You almost hoped he hadn’t heard you.

“Then come back.” You froze. You weren’t quite sure what you were expecting, but you’re sure it wasn’t that.

You think about it for a moment. The thought is tempting of course, every fiber of your being wants to tell him yes. But then the thought passes through your mind that with the new album you knew he’d be leaving again soon. The thought made you visibly tense.

“The option is always there. No matter how much time passes, I’ll always want you here.” He places a small kiss onto the top of your head.

“You’re leaving again.” You sigh, but you don’t pull away.

“Yes. In a few weeks.” You can hear the way his mood shifts and all hope you had given him leaves again. “But I swear I’ll figure it out though. I’ll come home more, I’ll call more, fuck you can come with us, I’ll make up some bull shit position you can have on the team so I have an excuse to pay you so you don’t have to worry about your job if you want, I swear it’ll be different this time.” He’s not even trying to hide the panic in his voice.

“Yeah, okay.” You relax into his arms and take a few deep breaths. You’re still crying a bit but you’re more calm now, with everything settled.

You’re not sure where to go from here. Do you just start over from scratch, or do you pick up where you left off? You pull away from him a little bit to look up at him. You cant remember the last time you saw him look at you with such adoration. His smile was small, barely noticeable, but still the same goofy smile you remembered.

“Your hair is a lot longer now.” You giggle a bit and reach up to run your fingers through the ends of his curls. “I like it.” You smile.

“Yeah? I honestly just stopped wanting to put in the effort to get it cut.” He laughs, his hand coming to hold the side of your face. You lean into his touch and close your eyes.

“Yeah, thats sounds about right.” You giggle and open your eyes. “And your beard is more full now too.” You reach up with both hands to feel the sides of his face.

You really missed this. Everything about him was just so comforting. You felt at peace, at home for the first time since you had left.

“Do you wanna stay here tonight?” He asks quietly. “You can borrow some of my clothes, it’s just raining really hard, and you’re too upset to be driving in weather like that.” He smiles down at you.

You laugh a bit “We’ve been back together for all of five minutes and you’re already asking me to stay over Andrew, what would your mother think?” You tsk at him and smile. He already knows the answer is yes of course.

“Oh please. You of all people know that my mother would be ecstatic to know that you were sleeping over again.”

So anyways, I had a lot of fun writing this, even though it was a little sad. I love this man, enjoy <3

#andrew hozier byrne #hozier #the hoziest #unreal unearth #eat your young #writeblr #writer things #writers and poets #writerscommunity #fanfiction

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sgiandubh · 5 months

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Hi, I don't know if you understand me or go through this, I would like to know your feeling about it.

After all this circus (which I can't take anymore and after a few years in the fandom) I can't stand Caitríona anymore. I swear I try, I swear I try to get excited about her projects. I swear I try to understand her reasons, her anger, her antipathy towards us all these years. For a long time I managed to suppress this sad feeling I feel for her, but now it screams. I can not anymore.

On the other hand, I still support Sam, even more than I should, because he, along with her, plays the main role in the narrative and is not a saint. I think these feelings would be the signal to leave the ship. I no longer admire her, I no longer miss her, at least on social media, I no longer even want to see her face.

I feel bad for feeling this way, I don't know what to do. Have you ever felt like that? And before you start offending me, I'll tell you: I'm not anti, only or whatever. I am someone who paid a lot of attention to this narrative and ended up hurt, very hurt by them, by her specially…

Dear Feel Bad Anon,

I was just about to go to bed after a very, very long and dense day, but your question stopped me in my tracks. Story of my life, really: that banging on the dorm's door at midnight ('it's vile X, we just broke up, help') - ah, the memories. So, I will not let you down.

First of all, thank you for this ask. It is a genuine one, I know it. It takes a lot of honesty to write it down without cackle, hysteria and the everlasting 'they owe me' refrain (no, they don't owe anybody anything, because, Anon, do you owe anybody anything when you are that much in love? I am sure you don't give a hoot about Aunt Y and Neighbor Z, Anon, and fuck them and their curiosity, eh?). And, my goodness, you really do sound exhausted, here.

Take a good look at this pic I took in Mandalay (see post below) of a Yama Zatdaw (Ramayana) puppet show:

All these public ten years are summed up in here: the puppeteers (TPTB), the puppets (S&C) and the convenient prop ( T) in the middle.

Where are the private ten years? I could think of this Amarapura pic, taken the day after the puppet show:

And that is ok, Anon. It's them. Their lives. Their love. We are just peepers through a keyhole, in here: let's try and do it gracefully.

You don't like C anymore? S couldn't give a damn about how you feel, Anon, and forgive me if I sound brutal. He loves her and he already did the unthinkable for her. C does give a damn about you, however. Not because she cares about you, but because she probably thinks your intelligence and your questioning endanger her narrative and put at risk all the negotiated perks. This is why she thought intelligent to bark at you and publicly insult you: by a simple zealot reflex, her part of the bargain. It has nothing to do with her private truth. You are disappointed by a puppet, not the real C. Or, using this time Plato's Allegory of the Cave, you are mad at the silhouettes reflected on the walls of that cave, not at the people whose reflections you see - those people are outside the cave.

Get out of that mental cave, Anon. Stop racking your brains off trying to give definitive answers that cannot be honestly given with the amount of information we have. Stop obsessing about a visibly curated social media presence, online times and all this shit - they mean very little, especially at this point in time. Trust your heart and your intuition. Trust your life experience. Trust yourself, not me. All this side of the fandom can offer you is based on our own life paths and street smarts. Do I think it's legit? Of course, otherwise I'd not be here or I'd be a pervert. Do I think that together we'd be a step closer to what really is? Oh, by all means. But you are the only sovereign master of the course, here. You are the only one able to choose between believing or rejecting, staying on deck or jumping ship.

I chose to be interested in the puppeteers, Anon. The paper trail. The minute intricacies. The boring details Mordor does not want to see or doesn't know how to translate in simple English. That is really what keeps me going and that is something I will never publicly trade. The more I look into it, the clearer the picture is. Oh, for sure, I take great pleasure in seeing and discussing the script inconsistencies - don't we all? But to me and as I see it, this is the tip of the iceberg. The bar I set myself for public happenings, statements and all the shit show is very low. It avoids undue disappointment and even allows me to be relaxed about it. Not always. Not a perfect strategy. But it is my way of managing it and so far, it works.

Take at least a day off Tumblr. Think of it as detox. I can guarantee you will see it way clearer. I wish you well, Anon. And I really hope my long, long answer helped at least a little bit.

#anon #fandom #shitshow

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szampers · 1 day

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very nice to see an active szpd-focused blog that is not...for lack of a better term...Edgy. many schizoid blogs i've come across really play up the whole "void" aesthetic+while i'm sure it's true+meaningful for them, i don't relate to it+am not interested in the theatrics of it at all. you're doing good work by creating a space dedicated to exploring+discussing szpd+related concepts without the pervasive nihilistic trappings that have turned me off from most others. i want to discuss living with szpd, not surrendering to it! salute o7

(feel free not to answer this publicly/at all if it comes off as needlessly dismissive to that genre of blog. i can't tell if i'm being "mean," and i can't not mention it, because not mentioning it would entirely miss what i appreciate so much about this blog)

Hi I'll use this ask as an opportunity to tell a bit more about this blog and other stuff !!

I run this blog partly for the sake of others. Anything I share here is not only done as a way to voice my thoughts, but also in hopes that someone would find something they can relate to, or even comfort as i have after discovering there are people dealing with Very Similar Situations which i know as The Szpd. for the longest time i never had any points of comparison for myself while knowing the average person likely wouldn’t impose total isolation and a chronic vow of silence on themselves among other average person things. It was a state of knowing something was off but never being able to put a finger on what exactly. I felt szpd was already as hidden as it is so I figured someone has to try and keep the awareness going. This way I'm also putting all these thoughts to good use.

Your ask pretty much validates the reason why I created this blog!! thank you it means a lot to read this.

And whether someone chooses to focus more negatively or positively on szpd, they’re all valid! Since szpd isn’t known for its pretty sides as with all other pd’s and conditions, that does make it very easy to be fixated on the nasty parts, especially if all it does is making your life miserable. if this has brought me any kind of joy then I wouldn't notice. I'd say the main danger is the risk of being consumed by the misery and getting trapped in a vicious circle.

But yeah. it would be very, very strange if you were to think positively of things like this. I suppose it's one way to tell if you're somehow faking it. The realistic thing to do is to come to good terms with it. Hard, but possible enough.

I have seen another post calling out the focus mainly placed on negativity which I've yet to reblog. They phrased it really well in a blunt way, it's arguably one of the most motivating szpd post I've read. Being trapped in narrow sighted ways of thinking isn't something I want even though nothing about this is easy. This is why I consciously try not to let my writing become full blown complaints or be saturated with pain and misery, while it's very easy to indulge myself into such things. I keep in mind to make my writing productive in some way or another. I'm pretty awful at this in my own journal but it works much better if people could be reading!! being held accountable this way which is pretty cool.

#if anything sticks out weirdly that is because I've written most of this at the most stressful place on earth #i didn't really expect the blog to take off this fast but i won't complain!!#schizoid #szpd #schizoud personality disorder #actuallyschizoid #asks #rambling

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cherry-alive · 2 months

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This post is primarily aimed at people who followed me here from my main blog, @honeysuckle-venom, where I've talked a fair amount about having DID. If you don't know me from there this may not make sense, and also really isn't necessary to read. If you do know me from there it's also obviously not necessary to read, but here's the post I wanted to write about C and about where we are in recovery and about this blog

I have tried literally over ten times to write a long post explaining more about C and how she woke up from over a decade of dormancy and how she fits into our healing and what this blog is about, with no success. I just can't seem to do it. So. I'll do my best with what I can share without a thirty page backstory I'm not comfortable giving.

The very very very edited cliff notes version is that for Trauma Reasons we had to dissociate and split off a lot of our sweetest, softest, most joyful, and/or most feminine traits, all of which were very present in early childhood but not allowed to be present as we got older bc of trauma things I don't want to talk about. Those traits got split up somewhat, Eloise had some, the Dolls had some, etc, but the one who had the most/had a combination of all of that and more is C. C is also possibly the core/original, she's really really connected to who we were as a young child and who we feel we are at heart in a very special way that is distinct from everyone else, even Luna who we thought had been around the longest. C went mostly dormant when we were 11, and entirely dormant at 16. I did not know about her, not really, and to the extent I did I thought she was genuinely dead. As I've continued to heal in therapy I've noticed that I've had increasing desires to get back in touch with some of those traits that I was forced away from. Accepting Eloise, starting to accept the Dolls, and slowly realizing and acknowledging that I identified as femme were all really important steps for me. Eventually as I explored the concept of my femininity in therapy sessions, my therapist said something that ended up waking C from dormancy. That was about a year ago. With her came a huge rush of feelings and memories I'd completely lost, and a whole new capacity for joy and recovery and healing that I didn't think I'd ever have. We remembered that once upon a time, we didn't understand cruelty, we didn't want to hurt or manipulate anyone. We loved fairies and magic and flowers and art and cooking and the natural world. We loved pink and purple and sparkles and lace. We listened to birdsong, we were kind and friendly, we were gentle and warm. And we could be that way again, and take joy in it again. We realized that she is in some ways the most central part of us, and embodies a lot of who we want to be and who we feel happiest and most whole as. But she's very vulnerable, partially because she's so central and so directly tied to some very key trauma, and there was also a lot of old trauma things at play that make us very nervous to publicly talk about or show her, and/or to act in the ways that she wants and that make all of us happy, like embracing softness and femininity more. That still feels very very dangerous to us, but also every time we do it and get a positive response instead of further traumatization in respose it is deeply healing and it just feels so true to who we want to be in a way that is really healthy. So gradually we've been sharing more and more when it feels safe, and we finally reached a place where sharing the url of this blog with people from main felt like a potentially positive and healing step, where we could embrace the things C likes and that we all like publicly and try to fight some against the shame and fear we feel whenever we want to act softer or reblog pink things or what have you. It's really scary still honestly but it also just feels so validating and good to be able to be myself in this way, when for decades I tried to repress a lot of these traits as much as possible. So. Yeah. That's why we made this blog and why we finally decided to share some more about C/what she likes, because it's honestly stuff I like too and I don't want to be afraid or ashamed to wear something pink and pretty or have heart shaped kitchenware or just embrace the softest gentlest parts of myself anymore.

There's. So much more here/more to C and our backstory with this stuff but I think that's what I can share for now. But also I'd like to be able to talk more about some of this stuff, I just don't have the words yet/don't know how. So if you have any questions about this post or this blog or whatever feel free to ask. I might not answer, but I also might because it might be helpful rather than just trying to write something without a prompt

#text post #my post

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astercontrol · 2 months

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I'm gonna try to be off of Tumblr for a while-- possibly a month or more, and after that, we'll see.

This is related to my recent post about alternatives to the dystopian way that social media sites are going. Which, to be clear, is NOT a problem we only need to face "if KOSA passes," but is a systemic issue that's been going on a long time already.

(Case in point: the egregious transphobia that is Tumblr's current topic of the day. When communication is dependent on a corporation, and CEOs of corporations behave... the way they do... we need other options).

I VERY much appreciate that people are sharing that post and adding their own ideas and resources. Please keep doing that.

I'm just stepping out for a while because my part in that endeavor is gonna require some focus.

My goal is that, during this time, whatever time I would have spent posting and reading and checking my notifications on Tumblr... I will instead spend working on the website I'm making on Neocities.

It's a huge endeavor, because I am trying to combine a lot of different topics and projects in my weird complex life.

The url will be astercontrol.com. When it is ready to be publicly viewed, I'll change that placeholder page to the actual entry page of the site.

When that happens, you'll be able to see pages about my writing, my art, many different things I've worked on and thought about... and of course, as many resources as I can gather to help others with that same struggle of getting free from corporate-controlled communication.

Because people being able to share their thoughts openly might be the one thing that makes the biggest difference to... ALL the other problems in the world.

Without the level of free dialogue I've seen about Palestine, police brutality, trans rights, COVID, climate change, anything... I'd know only what mainstream publications felt like telling me. I'd be in no position to even realize what help was needed, let alone give the donations and signal boosts I've been giving. And that's where more and more people will be, the more our social media gets crushed under increasing corporate control.

My site will probably not be complete when you first see it. There will be lots of sections that still don't have any content yet. The whole project would just take far too long, and I want to open the site soon. The way social media is going, "finding alternatives" just jumped to the front of my priorities.

#notron anyvirus #userworldproblems #personal #diy punk #neocities #alternatives to social media

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nyehilismwriting · 1 year

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Hey! I wanted to ask for your advice. I was a minor part of the IF community, specifically the COG community, back in 2020. Mostly as a reader, but I dabbled in sharing some of my own writing too. For... reasons we are both well aware of, both in regards to COG, the larger IF community, and the start of COVID I eventually quietly left. Now, three years later, I've been quietly picking up writing IF again as a way to share my story with others. I was wondering if you think, in your opinion, it's worth officially re-joining the IF community on tumblr. On one hand, I feel like things have improved in that the larger community has matured (somewhat). I would like to make more friends, get advice, and maybe even share some more of my art. On the other hand, my project as it stands is... very non-traditional compared to a lot of other IFs (IE: No character customization, no romance, focus on a singular story with emphasis on worldbuilding, etc.). So I don't know if I would even be able to build a community around it even if I did officially rejoin.

I've followed your blog since 2020, including Project Hadea (although I think I originally started following you for your urban fantasy project, although I cannot for the life of me remember if that was you or another author!), and thought I'd come to you for your advice.

I chose to send this ask publicly so that you could choose to answer it privately, if you wished, since it is a longer ask. But I'm okay with you posting it publicly if you would like to! Additionally, no pressure or obligation to respond. Have a nice day!

hi there!! thank you for thinking of me - and welcome back! i'm glad to hear you've been writing again<3 it's such a good feeling, especially when you haven't been able to be creative for a while.

i think i'll start by addressing your game itself. personally, I think this community could do with some new blood in the form of games that are non-traditional; some of the best IFs I've played, ones that have really stuck with and inspired me, have been ones without romance, or cc, or otherwise outside of the typical format that gets popular on tumblr. honestly, i think we could all stand to get a little weirder with it. having said that, there is a very clear type of game that gets popular on tumblr (long-form, narrative-driven, usually with romance, usually with some kind of emphasis on character creation), so if you're a number-go-up kind of person (or someone who is susceptible to that mindset), I would be braced for your audience to remain small, particularly when you're just starting out.

that's not necessarily a bad thing. while I do agree with you that this community has grown and changed shape a lot since the late 2010s, and in a lot of ways for the better, it's definitely not perfect. I can't, in good conscience, say that this is the friendliest or most comfortable community: lots of people are absolutely lovely, and very very kind and enthusiastic; however, and this is absolutely not limited to IF but endemic to any online community, there are ongoing issues with Boundaries, and Respect, and the ways people interact with work and authors they're fans of. certainly, when you share your work you're giving up some control, but it's hard to predict exactly how that's going to go, and how the audience are going to react.

not saying this to put you off, but it's something I think everyone needs to be aware of before deciding to share. it's good to remember that you're not beholden to anyone. this is tumblr dot come, and you're quite free to start a blog, decide it's not for you, and delete; you're free to turn off anon, or asks altogether, or to never post anything save for updates; this is not a corporate space (and while there are considerations if you plan to open a patreon etc, but if we're just talking tumblr) and you are not obligated to do or provide anything you haven't promised.

my other bit of advice - and i think one of the ways to keep any interactions as pleasant as possible - is to be honest, and transparent, and manage expectations. if you make it clear what kind of game you're writing, you're less likely to get people who are disappointed that it's not what they were expecting and taking it out on you. likewise, setting boundaries is important.

i can't really tell you if it's 'worth' rejoining: i've definitely questioned if it's worth it, myself. i've seen some people, ostensibly in the same community as me, doing and saying things i find utterly reprehensible, and i've made some incredibly close friends who i adore and wouldn't give up for the world. and, after all, i am still here and answering asks, so i can't hate it that much. communities are made up of people, and like any group, there's gonna be people you can't stand and people you can. it's about finding your corner, and making it a bearable space for yourself.

i can't tell you if you'll have a positive or negative experience; I can't tell you how to control that. all i can say is that this is an online community, and ultimately you can control when and how interactions occur.

finally - again, i'm glad you're writing again! if you decide not to step back into the IF scene on tumblr, there's plenty of devs who keep purely to itch.io or the cog forums and seem to do fine; sharing your game does not necessarily mean sharing anything else. do what makes you most comfortable <3

#i hope this is...helpful #it's not a simple answer; personally i am proud of the work i have done and the interactions i have had #and i definitely can't leave a glowing review for the IF community as a whole but i have my friends and i have my game #and i am happy with those things #there's also always discord servers - the interact-if server might be a place to start if you're looking for more immediate interactions #pyrrouge #long post #anyway i'm flattered you thought of me and i hope this gives you some kind of. idk. something to think about #even if it doesn't fully answer the question

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swordfright · 3 months

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Hello there! This ask may be a little out of the blue, but I thought I'd give it a shot. I am currently part of a recursive fanfic event. It's called @mcytrecursive . There's a lot of information there, but tl;dr, it's an ao3-held event for fanworks based on already existing fanworks! I am a really big fan of ouroboros. I'm a really big fan of all your work, but ouroboros is probably my favorite dream SMP fanfic of all time, and I have made every single one of my friends read it with my nonstop chatter about it. I would be super honored, and super stoked, to be granted your permission to be able to make work inspired by this work in the exchange; that's my benefit, and one for you is that you can possibly get a lot of new work from creators who love this fic (almost) as much as I do. One thing that is required to be able to recurse your work in this exchange is a publicly linkable permission statement, like a public answer to this ask, or stated or linked in your ao3 profile, or in the notes section of the fic. The permission can also come with any stipulates or limits you would like it to. Of course, if this is something you are not interested in or comfortable with, I in no means intend to pressure you. It's 100% your decision. I just thought I'd reach out and ask, share my enthusiasm for your work, and ask to open an avenue in which other people can share their enthusiasm too. Thank you for your time. If I do not get a response I will assume you are not interested and will not be pestering you further. I do, however, hope to hear back from you, whatever you wish to decide. Thanks!

HELLO I AM HONORED AND FLATTERED BY THIS ASK❣️

You absolutely have permission to create fanworks based on Ouroboros! That goes for any of my other fics too, and anyone else who's looking for permission. Anything you wanna make, I would love to see it and support/promote it!!

(Also, thanks for letting me know about the recursive event because there are some fics by other users that I would love to write fanworks of, so if sign-ups haven't closed yet I might end up joining myself.)

#this is so cool i'm so stoked #even if you don't end up making anything based on ouroboros it is a huge honor to be asked #ouroboros #dreblr events tag #asks

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honeysuckle-venom · 10 months

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You all may have noticed that I've been a lot quieter on this blog in the past few months. I used to make personal posts multiple times a week; now it's rare for me to make them more than a few times per month. I've been making significant progress in therapy lately, and as a result have had less of a need to publicly post what's going on with me. I used to use personal posts for various purposes: keeping track of my feelings and memories, receiving validation, and clarifying my thoughts through writing were some of the biggest ones. I no longer need any of that the way that I used to. I've also found that I have trouble putting my current emotional and therapeutic experiences into words. I have all of the language in the world for dissociation, psychosis, relapses, anxiety, trauma, etc. I do not have the same vocabulary for what it really feels like to recover, and making open ended posts about it leaves me at a loss. I'd like to be able to speak a bit more about it, particularly about fusion, as I think that's a topic that could benefit from more voices, but it's hard to get started. So if anyone has any questions about recovery/fusion, I'd love to try to answer some, although I make no promises that I'll be able to. And if not that's fine too, I just wanted to kind of explain where I've been lately.

#text post #my post #i'm not like...fully recovered yet #i still have psychosis when triggered #and my eating disorder has actually gotten worse lately #but overall i'm sooooo much better than i was #and we've pretty much fully fused at this point and want to talk about that more if people have particular questions

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idontwanttospoiltheparty · 6 months

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With Now and Then bringing out mixed reactions it’s had me thinking about how Paul’s handled John’s death and their Beatles legacy. He seems to be admired for the most part for the fondness and sentimentality he’s gone with while also being criticized as exploiting that sentimentality. It’s made me wonder how John might’ve carried on had Paul died. I understand it’s a bleak hypothetical and perhaps even offensive to some since I haven’t really seen discussions about it here but I really am curious. Would John have also promoted the Beatles legacy? I know he publicly shunned it as a thing of his past but I think there’s also been accounts of John privately collecting bootlegs and memorabilia. Would he have felt comfortable working on a song Paul left unfinished but given to him by Linda much in the same way Yoko did with Now and Then to Paul? I think John would’ve retreated once again into reclusiveness (a shame since he seemed very optimistic about the 80’s) but after a while I think he wouldn’t be able to help but take up the Beatles mantle just not sure how he would’ve gone about it.

My biggest LMAO about this is I one day want to write a fic about exactly this…

Without going into my specific planned plot (which mainly takes place in the 80s anyways), I think what should be kept in mind re:Paul's presentation of his and John's relationship, is that for the first ten years after John's death, Paul had a very different strategy. He only really started playing up the nostalgia of the Beatles in the 90s, with his concert tours and Anthology and, in my opinion, it was very much a reaction to him dealing with having been discarded as a musical has-been during the second half of the 80s and him deciding to grab the reins of the narrative surrounding him and John, which had been damaged by Jean Jacket "He didn't care about McCartney!"-types and by Goldman-type authors who over-villainized John, both to the point of rendering John's image unrecognizable to Paul. Plus, I think his continued insistence on emphasizing John's softer side is partially a reaction to the strong push-back against John that's picked up a lot in the past decade.

My point here being, how John would have dealt with all of this to me also depends on the public narrative that would have formed. In a way it's hard to imagine John getting sentimental and publicly grieving the way Paul does – on the other hand, this would have been equally hard to imagine (perhaps even harder to imagine) with 1980 Paul, who at the time was not in the habit of getting emotional during interviews at all! What I'm less sure of is how much it would matter to John what other people thought he thought about the Beatles – because I don't think his public indifference to his past would have been received well, in a scenario where Paul had recently been killed. Whether John would feel comfortable completing a Paul song is interesting; in a way, I'd imagine he'd be less keen on it, just based on his personality, but he was very proud of the Paul songs he helped finish off (like Michelle and We Can Work It Out) so that might embolden him to try. It would also probably depend which songs he had at his disposal, because I'd say he was pickier about music than Paul is.

I also think a very relevant factor in how Paul has behaved with respect to John's legacy was due to how Yoko behaved – so, in turn, I think a lot of this would depend on Linda. (which is a big point of the fic I'm planning lol – stay tuned for my extra long take on this dropping at..... some point.)

#ask #anon #john #jp

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jamespottersmixtape · 5 months

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hi hi :) 3, 15, 25 for the ask game!

hiii! ty ty for asking!

3. favorite line/scene you wrote this year

hmm this is kind of tough (I have a horrible memory and forget everything after I write it) but I'd have to say for starters this small section from my lost lover lives rent free in my head a lot so...yeah maybe this one. the whole salvation thing and hating Evan whilst also not being able to help but want him???? part of the reason I wrote this one shot in the first place like UGH they can never make up their minds

Barty feels like a man buried alive; condemned to a fate worse than death unless he claws his way out, choking on dirt and grime and praying that he breaches salvation. He’s surrounded on all sides by the one thing he can’t help but hate, can’t help but want. And oh, how he wants.

or (it may not be my best work yet bc it's not edited and not out yet) but there's a scene from my new wip where evan and barty get into a fight and they're all sad and bad at communication as per usual and just akdfjkehfjke I love them

I can't say I've written many arguments before so it was hard to navigate at first, but now I really like how the scene came out even if I'm putting the characters through turmoil😭

15. something you learned this year

relating to fandom I've probably learned the most about how people on the internet like to treat each other. how someone would rather speak publicly about things they hate whilst bringing others down for liking it, rather than expressing their dissenting opinions in a more private space. I've just come to learn that most of the time it's unnecessary and so I try to keep the things that I dislike (whether it be something as trivial as a ship I don't like) out of public view

in general I've learned that I'm awfullllllll at time management but that I enjoy writing a lot more than I ever thought I would :,)

25. a fic you read this year that you recommend everyone read

oh this is hard lol I have a lot of favorites but I'd say two that I really loved that I don't see people talk about as much are:

oh, my love is a lie! by artiest (I loved getting into Regulus' character whilst reading it and James is just sooofhosjhfesdjfiuh also Regulus' friendship with Lily is so precious I just love this fic sm) Of Memories and Milk Thievery by moonymoment (divorced wolfstar with 16 year old teddy oh I adored the whole thing it was such a fun read) (also bc I can't shut up: I'm Not Gonna Teach Him How to Dance with You by greensenne for practically getting me fully immersed into rosekiller in the first place)

sorry for this super long response lol but again tysm for asking, hope your weekend is good <<3

#ask game #!!!!

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pearwaldorf · 1 year

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I'm making my own post about a person making their own post because it's rude to talk shit on other people's stuff. The OP referenced in the post is somebody I know has not just misrepresented shit but outright lied about stuff to further their purity wank agenda, so I'm not inclined to trust them to tell me if it's raining.

But that's not the point I'm trying to make. Thinking back to the one time I was chosen by The Claw (please read this, I think it should be mandatory for anybody posting creative work on the internet), I got more comments and kudos than anything I have written before or since.

Was it great to be able to hear from so many people how they connected to a thing I wrote? Absolutely. A thing any creative wants is reach, the ability to put your work in front of somebody's eyeballs. And that was extremely cool.

But in terms of literally anything else? It didn't magically make me a better writer or a cooler/more thoughtful member of the fandom. I feel like a lot of people who are not BNFs (however you define that) think that once you reach a certain level of popularity it changes things for the better. That has not been the experience I've seen in multiple cases, and one of my friends got so fucked-up by it they had to go to therapy to untangle a lot of what happened.

I'm not saying that feedback/comments/encouragement aren't important. If that was the case I'd never post anything publicly. I want people to read my stuff and tell me they like it. I want to make friends with people in my fandom through my work. But if you can't divorce that desire for attention (somewhat) from your drive to create, it will kill your soul eventually.

idk where I'm going with this. Write for a lot of reasons. But don't do it just for attention.

#things involving me #comments #feedback

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twotangledsisters · 1 year

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You're comments on Ao3 are annoying

I start almost every ask with: I love this question.

This is not a question nor do I love it.

In fact, my first instinct upon reading this was to crawl under my bed and never come out again. But that's probably my social anxiety and not me, so let's quickly dissect this!

So, I'm not in the slightest bit surprised people could find my comments on Ao3 annoying. Because I ramble a lot and I'm a bit all or nothing....

Like... look at this comment I left on Tangled: Between the Kisses:

I had to zoom out to 25%... and I actually left two comments on this chapter. (It was a really good chapter, okay?!)

So yeah, long, rambly, annoying.

I get it.

It's fine.

But umm... I like long comments? As an author, getting long comments is amazing and fun... And I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that boat. Lots of authors like long comments, right?

Now, I don't know if you (person asking this) are an author or a reader.

I try to be very good at pointing out to authors that it's okay to tell me my comments are annoying and I will stop commenting, OR leave shorter comments! Like, I'm perfectly happy to write: "Great chapter! Enjoyed it, keep up the good work!"

No complaints here.

Here is a snippet from a comment on Moonrise where I do just that! (another great fic, I'm a chapter behind, need to go read that)

On BTK I couldn't find myself asking this, I thought I had. But I have spoken privately to one of the authors, @the-writer1988 and from my understanding, the long comments are not an issue.

So, if you're an author, and you find my comments annoying, that's fine. Please, reach out to me and tell me and I will stop leaving long comments!

I would genuinely be super thankful if you do, because then I won't have to stress over which of the fanfics I'm currently reading and commenting on I should be changing my commenting method.

If you're a co-author and don't want to make that statement publicly because you don't know how other authors feel, PM me, I'm not going to share this info with anybody else. I'll just switch up my commenting method to whatever suits you best!

I have no issue doing that.

Now, moving onto the second scenario, which I like to think is more likely... You're a reader.

You enjoy browsing comment sections and I have these really long comments, using block-chains to make following the comment easier for the author but maybe making a very repetitive read for a reader.

If that is the case, I apologize that this annoys you.

But I think the added value for the authors is more important here.

You don't have to read the comments I leave.

In fact neither do authors, but that's an entire other story.

You can browse past.

I can understand it might be annoying...

I wish I could give you a solution. I just went to test out Ao3 Enhancement Suit to see if hiding authors also affected comments and it did not.

So, I don't have a solution.

But I stand by the fact my comments are more for the authors, a love message for their work, than for other readers. Not that I wouldn't love to interact with other readers. I just think, if something is giving any joy to the person who creates this fic we both enjoyed, that should be more important.

But, maybe I'm wrong, maybe there is a pov I am not thinking about, if so, I'm always open to debate.

I did think about leaving this ask unanswered.

But, I've been very nervously questioning which of all the fics I comment on has incited this.

I've been asking myself if I should stop commenting in case I am annoying to certain authors.

And I feel like it's a lose-lose situation if I were to do that. I'd feel upset over not being able to express my full love for the writing of another, and the other person would not receive that love to begin with.

Whereas, communicating my willingness to be flexible feels more productive than stopping altogether.

Despite that, has this shaken me up a bit and activated social anxiety mode?

Yes.

I could lie and say no, I'm not affected whatsoever by negativity, but it'd be a lie.

So if my comments hold a slight tenseness to them moving forward, it's because my mind is overthinking, and has nothing to do with the amazing stories put out there by the many members of the fandom!

And, in case it wasn't obvious, I'm open to all reviews, long, short, grammaticaly incorrect, want to throw an entire fanfic into the comment section? Do it. I'll read it. I'll love it.

Every person is different though and I'm fully open to interacting differently with different people.

Now... I'm going to go eat some chocolate because this response took waaaay too long and I have earnt a treat.

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steamworksfairy · 17 days

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Once you get this, you have to say five things you like about yourself, publicly. Then you have to send this to ten of your favourite followers (non-negotiable, positivity is cool~) 🌈 🌈

Omg, thank you for the ask!!! Alright here we go!!!!

1.) I really like my art. From the way I draw to the fact I just started being really self-indulgent in it (Verde in a dress will now forever live in my head rent-free, and I hope it does for everyone else too!) Idk I just really like the direction I'm going in.

2.) My ability to come up with ideas. It might not happen lightning quick all the time, but I find even if something hits me a week later, I wind up coming up with some pretty cool ideas. It's to the point that I have a story idea horde in my documents. I'll get to them one day, I swear!!!

3.) My writing! Sometimes, I'll read old stuff and cringe a little, but honestly, a lot of the things I've written are really good. 1000000000/10! I know how to feed myself well 😌

4.) The confidence I noticed I started having recently. I still have anxiety, but I noticed I'm able to talk to people to do things I hadn't before. Which I love!!!! 💚

5.) My perseverance. When I set my mind to something, I can be pretty stubborn and refuse to give up until I succeed. There are very few things that I've given up on tbh

Okay, woooooooo!!!! I did it!!!! Somehow, this was harder than I'd thought it'd be. But it was still really fun! Thanks for the ask! 💚

#ask game answer

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insipidenvy · 4 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writes

Thanks for the tag, @cnnmonbimee!

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? I have 103, though only 94 are publicly available through my profile.

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 423,411! Quite a lot of words, if I do say so myself 😤

3. What fandoms do you write for? A huge majority of my fics (and that I'm probably more known for) are for JSHK! Before that, I was dabbling a bit in Ensemble Stars, but the second most-written fandom for me would be Fairy Tail, the series that actually inspired me to start writing!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

your flowers are my lullaby (JSHK, 304 kudos)

The Girl Next Door (JSHK, 273 kudos)

The Fantastical Case Study of the Lonely Rabbit and Ghostly Cat (JSHK, 254 kudos)

Just Confess or So Help Me God- (JSHK, 198 kudos)

Whose Hunt is This? (JSHK, 186 kudos)

Looking back at some of them, I am embarrassed by my cheesiness 😌 It will happen again, sorry if that's not your thing.

5. Do you respond to comments? I try to! Whether it's a simple comment or a detailed one, I always love reading people's thoughts! This is reminding me that I haven't done so in a long time, I'm sorry to any readers who've left comments that I haven't responded to! I've just been so busy with life that it often slips my mind >< I'll try to get to them soon!

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? That's tough... I tend to write fluff so any angsty ending might just be those with character deaths... even then some of them still get a happy ending 🤔 But if I had to pick, then it's either Heaven on Earth or Fly Away with Me?

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Again a toughie because I mostly write fluff lol. The first fic that comes to mind is farewells are not forever! Mostly because I was able to receive a lot of thoughts and feedback for this story in particular, so it sticks out to me the most 😊

8. Do you get hate on fics? I've only gotten two negative comments on my fics, and truthfully, I found their thoughts fair. Were they constructive criticism? No, but what they voiced was exactly how I felt about my writing, so I don't fault them for voicing their opinions. If anything, those comments helped me take a step back from writing to figure out how I wanted to continue with my writing/posting quality, so I have to thank them for that!

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I've written some, but as I've told Hime before, you'll need to subscribe to my (nonexistent) OnlyFans to find out 😉

10. Do you write crossovers? I don't, but I see merit in doing so! Personally, I like to write for fandoms separately. There may be AUs, but never a crossover between characters from both series/fandoms.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? I don't think so? If I found out I did I don't know what I'd do apart from making an announcement here or on my ao3 profile saying I currently only post works on ao3...

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Nope. Someone offered to translate my fics for me in the past to Spanish, but around that time there was a whole drama about how one writer/translator just used Google Translate. It got heated and I got scared lol, so I asked the writer who offered to translate my fics not to translate them and even added the whole "Please do not translate my works" thing in my profile.

As someone who does translation work myself, I hope that any translations are done with love and care and not lazily thrown into a translator. That isn't to say the person who offered is any of that, on the contrary I think they were genuine with their offer, but at the time I didn't want to get wrapped up in any drama so I stepped away from anything that could drag me into it.

I think I'm more open to the thought of having my fics translated now, but I might be picky or cautious of who offers/does them.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but I find the idea fascinating! I have a lot of self-doubt about the quality of my writing, and now that life's gotten busy there's the whole speed and availability aspect to work around too, so I don't think I'll be able to write anything for now lol

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? I can't choose! My favorite ships depend on my mood lol One moment I may love HanaNene, for example, and the next it's AmaNene, or even TsuNene, or even HanaNeneTsuka! It's hard for me to pick one.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Never ask a woman her weight, a man his salary, or a writer their WIPs u_u I've not found the time or energy to write, and currently my interest and motivation for this fic in particular is at an all-time low, but I want to finish Down the Plank and Into Your Arms. I try to ensure all my fics as completed for this account, so that's one promise I want to keep.

16. What are your writing strengths? Dialogue... maybe? More specifically, banter? That's one aspect of my writing that's often praised, so I think maybe that.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? I'd say, without a doubt, it's descriptive writing lol Sorry I've got no imagination or good words to set the scene, it just kinda fills itself in my head.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I've thought of doing that before, but I couldn't think of a scenario that required anyone to speak in another language lol

19. First fandom you wrote for? Fairy Tail! Quality and pet peeves of mine for the series aside, it's got a soft spot on me for being the fandom that pushed me into writing fanfic.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? Why must you make things tough 😭 As I'm sure you've noticed by now, I'm awful at deciding a single favorite of anything. BUT, if I really had to pick only one..! It's glass shattered, clay battered.

I think this was written the month before the Severance chapter lol It's an introspective fic in Hanako's POV and it's got some metaphors/themes that I'm proud of. Even after knowing what happens post-Severance, I don't feel like the Hanako I wrote here is all that different from the Hanako we know in the manga.

Others I'm proud of are I Must Think of a New Life and I Mustn't Give In, i leave you with all that i love, but i will never let you go, Love is a Race and I'm Stuck at the Goddamn Start Line, Roots Run Deep, Leaves Grow Bare, Happily Never After, and love like a rose!

I swear that last sentence is only six other fics even if it looks like a paragraph🤧i do like me some long titles...

I not good at thinking of who to tag in particular, so I tag everyone! Everyone is free to participate!

#tag game

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cuti-romeros · 2 years

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A lovely anon in my inbox yesterday mentioned that Gary went on a political podcast earlier this week, and as ever, Jamie came up several times

(Separately, Gary is a magnetic speaker and it was fascinating listening to the full interview, so I would highly recommend it to anyone interested)

But I’ve listened to the full two hours in case you don’t plan to, and here are the carraville bits you came for:

On being nervous to be on a political podcast (21:35)

MNF in particular, that minute or two before we go on air. It’s live, four hours…You certainly don’t know what’s going to come out of Carragher’s mouth next. And absolutely, he doesn’t know what’s gonna come out of his mouth next. So you’re always a little bit on edge, thinking you’ve got to be ready. And I think it’s a good thing sometimes.

On growing to like London (25:40)

I spend a lot of time down here now. Actually, I stay at the Corinthian, just around the corner... Me and Carragher. I mean, honestly... [host interjects something] I know, Carragher, he's drinking red wine, he writes for The Telegraph, he's staying in Whitehall. Fucking hell. He's from Bootle!

On whether people he's played football with share his political opinions (33:10)

Take Carragher. I mean, to be fair, I didn't like the guy at all when I played against him. And now, to be fair, we've become really good friends.

On joining the Labour Party (36:41)

I thought, to be fair, I was shouting my mouth off that much. And Carragher goes, "What are you fucking up to—" [to the interviewer] Do the Carragher accent, I can't do the Carragher accent. [interviewer does a not great impression of Jamie saying, "What are you doing? You can't talk about Labour without joining, of course you can't."] So I just thought I'd put my money where my mouth is.

On the interviewer asking, "Do you have [political] conversations with Carragher?" (53:01)

(Under a read more because there's still a lot from here)

(chuckling) You can't, can you, really? Difficult, that. [interviewer: "well I got the impression that he was quite Labour"] He is, he is very much. Very much Labour. Very much. Yeah. Absolutely. Can't not be, can he, from where he comes from. Also, I mean, you think about the way in which, sort of, the city of Liverpool and Merseyside view the Conservative Party. Phew. But do you know something, they aren't wrong are they, at times... They're wrong about a lot, but— (chuckles) No I don't have this type of conversation... He's furious as well. He's furious as well. He doesn't speak about it as much, not publicly either. But yeah, he's not happy. He retweets a lot, he posts out a lot. I think he went for Johnson last week, didn't he.

On him and Jamie calling out Partygate on Sky (54:04)

Yeah, it was FNF. We got a right bollocking for that. We have about a thousand complaints from Ofcom every fucking week. The amount of people who complain about me and Carragher, it's unbelievable honestly. It's fantastic. If we mention politics, we get a call, usually from the hierarchy at Sky... You never get a call to say, "well done, great show yesterday". But to be fair, they do get that many complains, the Ofcom then maybe get involved. We'll be told, you know, "make sure you're balanced"... We don't push it, because we accept it's a football audience that are, if you like, tuning in… We should, in our everyday lives, not be ignoring what's currently going on. We should be able to relate to it, particularly if there's a big event. I mean, if there'd been a no-confidence vote on the night of MNF, I don't we'd have come out alive, me and Carragher. I don't think they'd have let us on, I think they'd've cancelled the game!

On why England's Golden Generation failed (1:04:37)

When I look back then and think, the division between us—you know, me and Carragher, for instance... There were cliques.

On someone in football that's like Boris Johnson (1:10:49)

I've never met a guy like him in my life. I've never met—I've met some arseholes, don't get me wrong. I work with one regularly on Sky. (chuckles)

#carraville #gary neville #jamie carragher

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