#I'm just having a Time Of It

[sakura-fraust]

I've been struggling with severe brain rot and suicidal thoughts again lately, this time around being made worse by the fact that I've been out of work since mid June and will be until early August due to my back injury, meaning I have absolutely no income at the moment and my account is already empty after paying rent for this month...

I have dr apps every other day for the next few weeks, but I have no money and I'm almost out of gas which means I won't even be able to drive to my apps...

And so naturally my brain says "Its fine, don't go, your job probably won't keep you for much longer after an incident like this anyway and you're only worth anything if you're able to work, which you can't, so just lie down, close your eyes, and let yourself rot and decay. A slow, miserable death is all you're good for now, you have no more use, you're easily replaceable, everyone will move on. Its okay, just perish and worry about your miserable life no longer."

Of course my brain is quick to agree with itself, nothing said appears to be incorrect. There's no proof to dispute it but plenty of proof to aid its conclusion. It sounds quite nice, to just close my eyes, fall asleep, and never wake up again.

However, there's another part of my brain... a very chaotic and irrational (and honestly kinda toxic in its own way) part that screams out against this... the part that's crippled by FOMO

"Yeah sure, you might be worthless and miserable and have absolutely no future that doesn't involve becoming crippled from work injuries, but if you're DEAD then you'll never know where the story in FFXIV is going! You won't be able to play D&D with the people who tolerate you ever again! You won't be able to play the games your ex is working on or enjoy your roommate's art anymore! AND WHAT ABOUT EVELYNN? HUH? Sure you'll never get the fucking funds to make her a new enclosure, but you're still stupidly excited to craft it if some miracle does happen. You have PLANS for it and you know people would think it's cool as shit, if it ever got funded. Big if. But still. You'll miss out of ALL of this and MORE if you're dead. So maybe don't do that."

I know that FOMO is bad (and esp that a LOT of companies, esp game companies, will exploit FOMO to make people buy stuff, it works on me and this is a big reason why I avoid games like Lost Ark, ESO, Destiny 2, and gacha games) but its almost comedic how the lesser of two evils is shouting the loudest for my survival, for the wrong reason.

I guess when you're suicidal, you take what you can get, even if it is coming from a part of your fucked up brain that has screwed you over countless times in the past. :/

So I guess tl;dr- Dying sounds nice, but the Fear of Missing Out is worse than the misery of living. So I guess I'll continue to be a burden upon everyone...

#Venting #tw: sucidal thoughts #Don't mind me #I'm just having a Time Of It

[seriousturd]

#tumblr polls #random polls #poll time #i love looking at usernames and wondering what it MEANS #so many of you guys have such cool sounding usernames #i just picked random words i like LMAO #serious because people always see me as super serious irl (i'm just a very anxious perfectionist lol) #and turd because i have the sense of humor of a toddler and think poop jokes are funny

[perfectlyripeclementine]

calling my lover "mine" but not in the way that my toothbrush or notebook are mine, mine in the way my neighborhood is mine, and also everybody else's, "mine" like mine to tend to, mine to care for, mine to love. "mine" not like possession but devotion.

#nonbinary love #nblnb yearning #nb4nb #nblnb #wholesomeposting #yearning hours #ive been thinking about how some languages dont have a possessive tense #so you dont say “i have a thing” but rather “a thing is by me” #and like im not usually one for psycho linguistics and like critical thoughts etc etc etc #but i really like the framework of responsibility/commitment rather than ownership #i think about this mostly in terms of ecology #and relation to land #but i also love it as it applies to language shared between lovers #like i LOVE calling them mine or for them to call me theirs #but i'm also nonmonog and that was kinda weird to square for a while #and it clicked one time when i was talking about my neighborhood and i was like well #when i say my neighborhood or my city it's understood i'm not taking it away from anybody else #its understood i just mean the city where i live #so why cant we apply the same to lovers? #mine in the way i want to show up for you again and again #ok #done now

[thunderboltfire]

I have unwittingly witnessed a new level of the absurd. Behold, the AI-generated equine anatomy models.

Ah yes, my favourite parts of the equine body. Paster and... *looks at the smudged writing on hand* boob. At least this one looks purely decorative and the being actually looks like a horse. But don't worry, it gets worse.

If we completely ignore the hipopotamus musculature of this one, there's still a lot of things that don't make sense in this one, like a tail that ends in a series of bone spikes and a complete lack of molars. You could make a cool pokemon on the basis of this, but it's not even in the realm of being an actual anatomy help.

I'm firmly convinced this is not a horse, this is something that really, really wants you to think it is a horse. The more you look, the more things look... wrong. The more details turn out to be shifted, bones crammed in to fill in the familiar form, its shape merely implied so that the human mind fills the gap. Of course the text seems like gibberish, because its anatomy is incomprehensible. it's either a parasite or a monster and in each case, it's an eldtrich body horror. I'm kind of angry at how well this joke writes itself.

#I'm just angry that despite of the fact I have almost every AI site blocked it still showed up in the search #I don't think these will fool anyone but still - make sure you know the things you reference are actually accurate #I can recommend Herman Dittrich's drawings when it comes to the equine anatomy #This time I was just searching for the anatomy it bc I forgot what's the name of the canon bone #anti generative ai

[swordsonnet]

i'm sorry but i don't think we should call this the "autism website" when there's still posts with tons of notes mocking people who:

struggle with social skills / have anxiety around social settings

are unemployed / unable to work certain jobs

have intense or "age-inappropriate" interests

haven't had certain life experiences that are deemed universal/essential

struggle with personal hygiene

don't have any friends or dating experience

don't go outside much or at all

take things literally / don't get sarcasm/jokes

have unusual ways of speaking

generally aren't "normal"

#+ other things i'm probably forgetting rn #i know most of these apply to other disabilities too but i wanted to focus on autism bc of all the 'autism website' stuff #it's genuinely disturbing to see someone go 'lol autism website' #and then in the next breath be like 'omg look at this loser who [literal symptom of autism]' #but i guess when these people talk about autism they don't mean actual autism #but the tiktok style 'just a bit quirky but still able to assimilate into abled hegemony with ease' autism #i'm just tired of the hypocrisy #autism acceptance month is over now it's time for autism wrath month #being disabled on tumblr can be fucking awful sometimes. might take a break for a while bc i just don't have the energy to deal with it #autism #actually autistic #actuallyautistic

[jouxlskaard]

elias in hades, perchance?

if tma were a hades-style roguelike I think it'd be entertaining to have elias just show up like a little bitch and give you tasks that eventually give you rewards. I don't think he'd show up as the final boss until much later on in the story (equivalent to the hades epilogue) where he'll become the eye's pupil and the player (presumably jon) has to kill him to stop the eyepocalypse or smth (don't question my thought process too much I haven't actually rationalised it all in my head yet lol)

#magnus archives #the magnus archives #the magnus pod #tma #tma fanart #art #tma spoilers #elias bouchard #elias tma #jonah magnus #hades game #hades supergiant #supergiant hades #hades fanart #hades game fanart #hades art #i might do more of these but i also might not #i'm tempted to draw elias throughout the show in the style #like when he brutally pipe murders jurgen leitner #or ends up in jail #or becomes the pupil of the Eye #i also might draw the other magnus characters #but that takes dedication and time that i don't have #so i might just not

[zhukzucraft]

nuclear family as described by Iskall

#iskall85 #ethoslab #stressmonster101 #mumbo jumbo #grian #docm77 #vintagebeef #hermitcraft 10 #just drew this but now i need to draw his zombie AU too #Iskall writes too much fanfic #but thankfully now that i've passed my exam (WOOO) i'll have more time to draw again #edit: if you saw the typo no you didn't #i'm tired ok xD

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[egophiliac]

queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎

I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠

#art #twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 spoilers #twisted wonderland episode 7 part 8 spoilers #twisted wonderland book 7 part 8 spoilers #coming in well after the fact but that's what happens when the art doesn't cooperate #and i just HAD to draw something for vil's ob (re-ob?) because i loved it so much #legit put my hand over my mouth and went “oh!” when i realized what was happening #i thought it was just going to be an idia thing because. y'know. closing out his character arc from episode 6 and all #so this was like. oh! oh we're going to get ALL the inky boys!!!!! #i wonder if this is why we got a malleus flashback so early... #not to mention everyone's dreams?! #i am braced for 90% of the dreams to be kind of jokey/inconsequential because we have SO many characters to get through #and most of the time will probably be spent on our lads (literally) dropkicking their emotional problems #but i am excited to see everyone regardless! #and also kind of terrified! what on EARTH will floyd be dreaming about. do i want to know. #i do but do i want to. #man. they're probably not going to get back to it but i do wonder what silver's dream was #what was he doing when he was like 'wait a minute' and noped right out of there #lilia: here silver i made dinner :) #silver: oh boy this looks great! ...YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD #ouuuagh i'm still deep in the blotsauce guys and i'm loving it #come make snowangels in the ink with me it's great

[ionomycin]

wild strawberries

#artists on tumblr #back from my trip to finland #it was nice to see my family #and my one friend #but it feels good to be back #it's super hot here #and i dont know if any of my friends have time for me #but i just like this place a lot #even if i'm just walking outside on these same streets #that i always walk #i feel a weird sense of peace being in another country #far away from everyone and everything i grew up with

[imreallyonthishellsite]

People with siblings or know a pair of siblings I've got a question for you

the other day I had a conversation with a guy who said sibling friendships don't really count bc that's family and I'm just like, ??? yeah that's my family but I can also like my sister as a person and have a friendship with her. So I'm just curious to see what the general vibe here is.

btw the "it's complicated" option is for ppl who are either estranged siblings, parenting their siblings, or some other issue they've got going on not any weird freak shit(ifkyk)

Anyways choose your option and if want you can explain in the tags

#There are no wrong answers!!! #I'm just curious to see how yall feel #just thinking thoughts #Ramblings ig #polls #random polls #tumblr polls #personal poll #my polls #hyperspecific poll #poll time #siblings #platonic relationships #Platonic sibling relationships #Incest3rs dni #Shouldn't have to put that but just in case #anti incest #polls on tumblr #mini polls

[shaniacsboogara]

liking dnd is so funny because yeah you play the actual game sometimes but mostly you just think about the game and watch other people play the game and slowly go insane thinking about how much you wish you could play the game and hoping that buying more shiny rocks will fix everything

#dnd #dungeons and dragons #not going through something rn wdym haha... #i am FINE i have DEFINITELY played at least once in the last seven weeks #i am also definitely not the scheduling person in my group i am not stressed that no one has time for dnd apparently #i'm fine i just started another critical role campaign im fine im so stable #*screaming* #it provides seratonin but WHEN IS IT MY TURN TO BE HAPPY TO ROLL MY LITTLE DICE FUCK #it's okay i just need to buy more dice #that will fix me

[solroskajan]

I refuse to belive Uzi can't easily carry N if she wants to.

#I can't wait for canon to obliterate this post #I want them to be okay so bad but i'm ready for anything this show throws at me tbh #murder drones #nuzi #serial designation n #uzi doorman #my art #digital art #I know i just said I wouldn't have time to draw for a little while but this was almost finished and I didn't want to leave it #gonna draw Uzi carrying V next time

[kathaynesart]

Out of the frying pan and into the fryer we go.

BEGINNING || PREVIOUS || NEXT MASTER POST

Whew, finally done! Sorry it took so long, this is the largest update I've done yet clocking in at about 15 pages (compared to my usual 7-10). Also, congrats to those who guessed Todd for the distraction! Poor guy went through the last of his mystically preserved lemons just for this moment. What a bro.

#I'm probably the only person who likes Todd haha #Donnie and I both have sensitive wrists so we don't like wearing dangly bracelets #up next is finally some action #rottmnt replica #replica #save rottmnt #rottmnt #I'm not dead #just tired #this is the worst possible time to update but I don't care #kathaynesart #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #unpause rise of the tmnt #tmnt #that's a lot of mugs #Donnie cleans them all regularly #hi agent bishop #that's some darn good lemonade #cw pregnancy

[originalartblog]

Apparently much-needed reminder that reposting artists' art (by saving the images or screenshotting them and reuploading them yourself) on other platforms without the artists' expressed permission and without credit is theft and an insult to their passion and craft. You are profiting (in views, in attention, in feedback) from someone else's work and ideas, who do not get that feedback for sharing their creation.

If you are an art reposter, you are a thief and I have no respect for you.

#learn basic internet etiquette i am begging but also holding a knife. yes i'm mad. more about others than myself. #do you know how many artists i have seen leave social media because their art started being reposted all over? #tip: way too fucking many #i've had many people tell me about people reposting my art on tiktok #no one ever asked to repost my art on tiktok. ever. they just save super fried bad crunchy jpegs of my art and repost them #they get 20k likes and don't even bother naming me #also a reason i started signing my name more legibly and why my blog web address is always there but apparently no one can even read that #a few people got an ok for translations on other platforms though #i'm going to be annoying with this post and reblog it a few times to try to catch the people who apparently need to be told #tiny skk adventures #nawy's comics #nawy's doodles #apparently those are reposters' favourites so here look at this

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''