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braisedhoney · 6 months

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please tell me about the pigments i would love nothing more than to hear you talk about that one shade of red you like and the process it took too recreate it

... oh, op. you have no idea what you've unleashed.

alright. here we go.

OKAY SO THE RED PIGMENT. pr206. my beloved. my dearest friend. it was an absolute bastard to find because there are so many of these. however many you think there are, there are MORE, and that's only if you don't count the many many scenarios where colors are known to be multi-pigment mixes, usually varying in tone/shade/intensity depending on the brand and manufacturing style. some colors are more consistent than others, but there are situations where a color can be named the same and contain the same pigments and STILL look wildly different depending on the ratio, binder, and paper you use. and that's not accounting for the way the pigment is processed. some pigments (like pv19 for example) can come in so many shades it's frankly kind of ridiculous.

anyway, my quest begins when i am, admittedly, in an edgier phase. i want a blood red, but not specifically because of that—no, i want it because it is THE IDEAL COLOR (to me) for a perfect, warm, slightly muted but still intense shade to add to a muted autumn watercolor palette. and... if you look at my whole theme, you probably know how much i love warm colors. i want to paint mushrooms. i want to dim down some of the brighter greens to make them autumnal. i want the perfect red to put as an undertone.

the search starts in earnest.

the immediate issue is this: reds (and purples and pinks) have horrifically bad lightfastness. not all of them, mind, but many are NOTORIOUS for fading under uv light, which means they will also fade if exposed to sunlight even in passing should it happen often enough. and—in especially bad cases where they're essentially working with dye and not pigment—they can even fade inside your notebook. inside of a drawer.

so not only are we working with an unfortunate pigment base (i'm simplifying here, there's way more nuance to this but shh) but we are working with one that skews heavily toward floral pinks or oranges. the red i'm searching for is warm, but not orange. dries dark but not brown. is transparent, not opaque. that last part is agonizing, because i also desperately do not want a color that will fade on me or generally destabilize, and most of the stable dark red pigments are EARTH pigments like red ochre (pr101) or the like. which, while fascinating because of their historical usage in things like pottery and even cave paintings that last to the modern day, are VERY OPAQUE. this is an issue with my preferred style of watercolor painting specifically, because opaque pigments tend to lift easier off the page and limit layering.

the search continues. pigment after pigment breaks my heart for one reason or another, drying too close to the cooler purpleish-red tint of wine at best. i think i find it in perylene maroon, but the drying shift (the difference between how a color looks wet vs after it dries on the paper) is so extreme that it loses the luminosity AND it's more opaque than most. i languish.

for a while my search turns to creation. i try and mix as many of my single pigment colors as i can into something that vaguely resembles what i'm looking for—so i take quinacridones and mix them with napthols, with nickel azos, with dashes of ultramarines and burnt sienna. everything turns out either just a bit too opaque, just a bit too muddy (that happens with multi-pigment mixtures, and is why so many people swear by single pigment colors. it's personal preference, really, great art can be made either way.)

still, nothing works. failure haunts me. i sit before a pile of used up watercolor paper that is literally covered edge to edge in nothing but similar red squares with various gradients and blooms as evidence of when i tried and failed to convince myself my efforts were close enough. i admit defeat.

in the meantime i shift my focus. i try and appreciate different color palettes and profiles, experimenting with things like fully transparent palettes (personal favroite) to fully opaque ones that function more like gouache. but despite finding appreciation for it, i still think about the damn red that i could never recreate. it kills me.

and then one day, a youtube video. a pigment is being discontinued, and the watercolor community is distressed. this happens a lot, because pigments are actually not always popular because of artists—sometimes beloved colors are put out of production because larger markets like car companies no longer find them popular enough to invest in. this time, the casualty is pr206, aka brown madder, aka quinacridone burnt scarlet.

let me tell you a little about quinacridones. they are genuinely remarkable colors. they have their own cult followings because of how bright and abnormally stable they are under uv light. they're transparent. they're luminous. they come in mostly shades of red and pink and purple, though there are a couple oranges and yellows in there. (there are no quinacridone blues, as far as i'm aware, but the phthalo blues have that category covered.) they also rewet beautifully, so you can put them on your palette and let them dry and not worry about it turning into a useless little rock of color that you can't get any pigment from anymore.

quinacridone magenta (pr122) is probably the most popular of these, the most often used besides maybe quinacridone violet (pv19). a few years prior we suffered the loss of quinacridone gold (po49) and since then people have been On Alert when it comes to losing these colors. i am one of them, because i never got the chance to even see po49 in person, and now the tubes are so stupid expensive that even the student grade versions go for Ridiculously High Prices on ebay, and the professional brands are being hoarded like (ironically) gold by anyone lucky enough to have a tube left over.

but back to our main character. not me, the pigment. pr206. i have legitimately never heard of this one, which to be fair is probably because i try to limit the random colors i fixate on since the hobby can easily get VERY expensive if you aren't careful. but it's a quinacridone, and that catches my eye.

i open the video.

now, i'm sure any artist out there will be familiar with the fact that screens don't display color consistently. it depends on your device, but most can agree that something that looks cooler on one may be warmer on the other, it's just what happens. but i see this color being swatched, and my brain implodes.

it's almost a perfect match.

it could work. it could. years of thinking that same thought have left me bereft and mistrustful of this specific quest marker, but the thought refuses to leave me. probably because the 'discontinued' label flashes like a neon sign.

i resist for about six months, and then i cave. at this point i have genuinely been trying and failing to find this color for upwards of five years. i am desperate, and the color might not be available anymore soon anyway, and apparently i am weak to sales pitches. (note: the color IS now unavailable in some brands, but others bought a decent supply and should have it available for at least a little while, alongside po48 which is quinacridone burnt orange, a favorite of mine and probably one of the only oranges i use regularly. both are discontinued officially, but they'll still be on sale till those supplies run dry.)

the color arrives. i grab my favorite brush. i pull out my stash of paper that i save for special occasions.

it's almost perfect.

i mix it with quinacridone burnt orange.

the result is, i swear, a perfect match for what i have been searching for.

it's warm. it dries dark but not dark enough to look brown. it keeps its luminosity (thank you quinacridones). it's fully transparent (thank you quinacridones). i genuinely feel the urge to weep, but i don't because i am clinging at last to the dredges of my sanity and also salt makes watercolor pigments behave differently and i will not risk this glorious moment. finally, after all these years, bill cipher has a gun i found the goddamn COLOR.

i mix it with warm yellows and with my favorite blues. with the pinks, just to laugh. life is beautiful and i am painting its sunsets, and i do not care if they look ridiculously messy. i have won.

the moral of the story is to never give up. or maybe it's to remember you never actually know everything about even the fields you love the most, because this color totally blindsided me despite being much more common than i expected. or maybe it's that i seriously needed to chill out for a while.

but yes. that is the tale of one (1) of the colors that has taken up residence in my soul. i hope you don't regret asking now lmao.

#ney's art tips (art questions)#ney's chatter (ask answers)#so also i said that a good alternative to pr206 is pr175 #but i'm actually not totally sure about that because i've never tried it myself #watercolor is an expensive hobby and that's part of why i swapped to digital orz #BUT! from comparisons i've seen they are at least similar enough to scratch the itch #ironically i think i still USE po48 more than i do pr206 #but that one is also In Discontinued Limbo where you can buy it but supply is indeterminately limited lmao #still a gorgeous color though.#... wow. this was incredibly niche and probably barely coherent i am so sorry LMAO #but thank you for indulging my color madness. it was the only hobby i had for *ages*.#long post #very very long post #good god is this my longest text post? aside from maybe a hive story?

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watery-melon-baller · 1 year

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reading atla fics where zuko joins the squad in S1 and katara is the most distrusting of him even after sokka and aang trust zuko a la S3 is soooo infuriating like girl. did y'all forget the crystal caves where katara heard some of his Tragic Backstory™️ and IMMEDIATELY tried to help him out??? she only distrusts him so much in S3 so much because he went and backstabbed her after they had a fun bonding moment. you know who would be the most distrustful of zuko out of the 3? sokka. the disrespect.

#I've been rereading atla fics cause im too lazy to hunt for new toh fics and like #y'all do not know how to write katara #does no one remember ba sing se?????#she heard that they both had shared mom trauma and IMMEDIATELY whipped out the spirit water to try and help him!!!#like yeah she didn't trust him at first he's her enemy but that's just smart #come On people you are killing me here #insert something about how katara still assumed that all fire nation bad back in S1 which yes true #but she also thought that shit back in S2 as well she didn't really Learn that until AFTER ba sing se #now sokka. sokka would not trust zuko at all at first #he's smart. he's dumb but he's smart ok he's the only one with common sense (sometimes)#he would warm up to zuko quick but it would take the longest ok #all of them would in S1 since he hasn't done THAT much shit to them yet #anyways people do not know how to characterize katara you're all wrong <3 #atla #this got long whoops #lilac post #I've got opinions and you all have to hear them

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amee-racle-ofmyown · 4 months

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the heist!mark brainrot is consuming me…, just imagine mark n the viewer meeting for the first time as little kids to shoplift candy or smth together ╥﹏╥

the (brain)rot consumes!! I can relate

my dear anon... LISTEN. I am a big advocate for childhood friends captaineer, it's one of my favourite headcanons, but a childhood friends AU for the heist partners? that's something I hadn't considered until now. and it's adorable. I had to write something for it asap because I was INSPIRED. I hope you enjoy💖 thanks for sparking the idea!

Heist!Mark x reader (not explicitly romantic at all it's more about the friendship in this one) | Words: 1,317

You are in the kitchen of your shared home base, unloading the groceries your heist partner has just bought, when you pick up a bag of sour candies, smiling quietly to yourself. He's always been a fan of them.

Turning the packet in your hands, an old memory drifts to the surface of your mind:

You don't remember exactly how long ago it was, but you couldn't have been much older than maybe ten.

Your father was busy working, and had reluctantly sent you to the store with a small list after you insisted you could handle it on your own.

You slipped the folded piece of paper out of your school bag and scanned the list of items. At the bottom was a note that read, ‘Remember to stay hydrated, kiddo! :)’

You walked around the supermarket collecting the few things on your list and placed them in your trolley. On your way to the checkout, you passed through the candy aisle and slowed to eye the products on display.

‘Aren't you going to get anything?’

Your head perked up, shocked at the sudden voice addressing you.

There was a boy next to you with dark hair, looking at you inquisitively. He seemed to be about your age. He might have even been slightly shorter than you.

You must have been standing here for longer than you realised if it had prompted him to ask you about it.

You shook your head.

‘Why not?’

‘Oh, um. My dad only gave me enough money for what we need,’ you said timidly, showing him the list.

‘Ohh, that's too bad.’ Then, a small yet undeniably mischievous smile appeared on his face. He glanced discreetly up and down the aisle. ‘You know you can just — ’ and he took one of the small packets of candy off the shelf and slipped it swiftly into his pocket.

Your eyes went wide, stunned. Both from the fact that he was suggesting you steal, and at the speed and subtly with which he'd enacted the crime, as if he'd done it dozens of times before, if not more.

‘What are you doing?’ you spoke in a harsh whisper.

‘It's no big deal,’ he said in a lower voice than before, but one that still felt entirely too loud. He slipped another bag into his pocket.

You did not want to associate with this boy any longer.

You pushed your trolley away and towards the checkout, handing your items to the cashier.

You were unhappy to find the boy waiting for you when you exited the store, shopping bag in your hand.

‘What do you want?’ you asked, a little standoffishly, frowning at him.

‘There's no need to be rude,’ he said with a small pout. ‘Y'know, I think I might have seen you at school a few times.’

To your dismay, he followed along as you started walking home. When you pressed him, he simply said, ‘Hey, I'm not following you! I live down this way too, I promise!’

As the two of you walked, he chatted annoyingly by your side. What was more annoying was that you found you didn't mind his presence. You were a quiet kid and you didn't have many friends. Having someone to walk home with you was kind of a nice change of pace.

Just as you thought this, though, you immediately chided yourself mentally. You and him were not friends. You weren't going to be friends. This boy was a criminal and he wasn't even sorry about it.

You frowned in thought.

Oh no, what if he got caught? What if you went to juvenile jail for being an accomplice to theft? What would Dad say? What would Mom say? What if—’

‘Hey, are you listening to me? You haven't responded to anything I'm saying.’

You simply sighed as he pulled you out of your thoughts.

‘Are you still mad about the candy? I told you it's not a big deal.’

You stopped as you realised you were approaching your front door. The journey seemed to have gone a little faster than usual.

‘Really?’ you finally replied in an exasperated tone. ‘That was no big deal for you? That was stealing. Stealing is wrong.’ You couldn't believe you had to spell it out to him.

‘They won't notice a couple tiny bags of candy are gone. My mom says big companies that own supermarkets are greedy. They make loads of money anyway and don't pay enough taxes.’

‘Does your mom know you're a thief?’

‘W- well, no, but-’

‘That’s what I thought.’

He looked a little disheartened.

‘Please don't tell anyone. I'm sorry if I upset you,’ he said quietly, looking down.

You hadn't really expected an apology from someone like him. You sighed again.

‘I won't tell, but don't expect me to just go along with it. And don't act like we're best buds all of a sudden. We don't know each other. You don't even know my name!’

‘Well, what's your name?’

You gave him a slightly surprised look before telling him your name, albeit hesitantly.

‘Look, I have to get going now…’

You fumbled with the shopping bag as you reached into your coat pocket, feeling for the house key, when you suddenly felt something that wasn't there before. It made a crinkling sound beneath your touch.

‘You didn't.’ You pulled the candy out of your pocket. ‘When did you—?’

The boy grinned at you.

‘I thought you could have one of mine.’

‘I don't want your stolen candy!’

‘Judging by how you looked at it earlier, I think you do. And besides, stolen treats taste better!’ he called out, already walking away.

‘Wh- SHH!’ You hoped none of your neighbours had heard.

‘I'm Mark by the way! See ya, buddy!’

You stood outside the front door, dumbfounded.

Finally you let yourself in. Your dad wouldn't be home yet for a while.

You put the shopping away and sat down at your kitchen table, staring at the stolen goods in front of you.

You could try to put it back but… that would be more suspicious.

You figured, the deed had been done. There was nothing you could do now, so you may as well make the most of it.

You tore the edge of the packet and popped one of the candies in your mouth, savouring the sweet and sour combination on your tongue.

Maybe Mark was right. It did taste extra good. But maybe it was just because you'd been craving it.

What a weird kid.

‘Stealing is wrong, huh…?’ you mumble under your breath. You look down at the candy in your hands. It's not the same brand as the one from back then, but you imagine it tastes more or less the same, from what you remember.

Present day Mark is the one to pull you out of your musings.

‘Hey, what's with that face you're making? I know that look, buddy. Are you contemplating your life choices??’

You chuckle softly.

‘Just… got reminded of something. I suppose I got lost in nostalgia for a moment.’

‘Oh yeah? Penny for your thoughts?’

You turn and smile at him.

‘This just made me think of an annoying little boy stealing candy from a supermarket. And his reluctant acquaintance who ended up getting dragged into his antics for the foreseeable future.’

It takes a second for it to click.

‘Ohhhhh.’ You watch as realisation turns to him smiling fondly at the memories, which turns to him snapping his attention to you with a fake-offended look.

You laugh at his expression.

‘Wait, hey! Annoying?!’

‘Mhm.’

‘Excuse you, I was a wonderful, sweet and positively charming child.’

Your laughter rings out in the kitchen, full of mirth, and he shakes his head at you with a familiar lopsided grin, and you are so grateful for the cheeky little boy who approached you that day.

#feels kinda weird calling it candy instead of sweets. but I did it bc they presumably live in america #I'm working on at least two other fics rn but I had to stop everything to write this #I finally submitted a uni thing I've been doing for a while so I felt like I deserved a break #and I sat down and wrote majority of this in one sitting lmao #lmao it ended up being my longest fic to date??? WHAT THE HECK?!#BTW AGAIN. NOT ENCOURAGING STEALING THAT'S BAD DON'T DO IT #also yes y/n's dad is the one the only stan the water man #I hc stan to have been the captain's actual dad so I just went 'wth why not in this universe too?'#I really enjoyed this one #thank you again anon #also. I looked up pictures of young markiplier out of curiosity and to get into the headspace Ig/get a mental image for this #and guys. I highly encourage you to do the same.#HE WAS SUCH A LITTLE GUY🥺#and he looked as cheeky and mischievous as he often does now lolol #that also inspired parts of this haha #I tried to write a young heist!mark in a way that I think? would make sense for him #bit of a kleptomaniac maybe lol #and possibly more seemingly extroverted than I wanted but I had to kick off the interaction somehow #amee writes #a heist with markiplier #ahwm #partners in crime #heist mark x y/n #heist mark x reader #heist mark #heist!mark #markiplier egos #markiplier cu #asks #anonymous

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enhanced-operatives-division · 1 month

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So I'm working on speedrunning all of ieytd2 and I left Jet Set until last because I was worried about memorising the whole defense override sequence. Turns out, I've watched playthroughs of this game so many times that I just. Have it memorised anyway

#i still need to shave off abt 30 seconds but I'm not too bad at that now #i managed to do uhhhh thingy rising phoenix with 12 seconds to spare?????#SAFE AND SOUND WAS SUCH A BITCH THOUGH #that's the one I've spent the longest on thus far cause you had to get your movements so perfect. i did it with 1 second to spare #party crasher wad my favourite to speedrun because that was pretty quick #and then eaves drop because you can get through fabbh's security before she's even fully left LMAO #lots of fun #oh and stage fright you can just raise the curtain???? straight away??? did not realise. also shoot the guy to your left with the broken bar #it saves like 2 seconds that youd get from either waiting for him to shoot you or waiting on the lady with a bomb to throw one #anyways i got gud basically/silly #sooo much fun though #SUPER rewarding to do #like im doing this to 100% my save and honestly it's a lot of fun #anyways #ieytd

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thegeminisage · 2 months

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this comment on the merlin fic is SO kind but it also did make me laugh bc girl gender neutral you are in for such a treat. its 135k of introspection. all he does is navel gaze <3

#personal #liz loves writing #how arthur got his groove back #truly i was in such a state when i wrote this #and it is probably the fic i'm proudest of that i've done by myself and possibly also the longest one i have on ao3 #but it's ALWAYS funny when i get comments like:#''damn i didn't realize arthur could be this DEEP! who knew he had so many conflicted feelings about his parents!'' Me. I Knew.#does an episode for better or worse ever rock your shit so hard you write a 100k+ coda about it? bc i've now done that twice

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moregraceful · 10 months

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put 712 of the worst words ever put in a google doc tonight BUT! it is 712 more words in the google doc than i had yesterday. this fic will be more than 2k, so help me god

#the past six months have been so weird after posting over 200k last year (including the longest fic i've written since bandom)#i think i would have been fine continuing to post 1-3k one shots all year if i had not just had to request extended time off of school #but between that + having no idea if i have a regular schedule at the library + my nonprofit boss sending a harrowing welcome back #i'm like by god jason robertson we are going to take a couple of leisurely 7-10k+ strolls to get you a boyfriend or two this summer #well all that + being horrendously writers blocked on the other two longer projects lmfao oh my god #10k deep in one and every time i open the google doc a portal to hell opens up in my living room #0k into the other bc every time i open my outline another different portal to hell opens up in my shower #i get no rest. i get no peace. every morning i wake up and 5 more demons are- oh my god #bro my fucken train of thought just got completely derailed by spotify. i know i'm the last person in the world to know this but #3oh!3 and big freedia remixed rebecca black's friday?? and it's completely unlistenable?? girls what did you do #3oh!3 kill me bc no time traveler ever took their faces in hand and kissed them gently on the forehead and looked into their eyes #said ''please focus on coloradosunrise it will literally course-correct the trajectory of your career from frat house gimmick to #rowdy but respectable indie edm artists. you can remain true to your warped tour dirtbag origins but you HAVE to develop THAT sound''#like the chainsmokers are a joke but i feel like THAT + ANGRY EMO GIRLS + THEIR TOTAL DISREGARD FOR MARKETABILITY... could have been THEM #when the piano drops?? hello?? i had so many mental breakdowns in college listening to that song they could have defined a generation #like who else is gonna get noah cyrus and ashe and gayle and olivia rodrigo's vision. only warped tour dirtbags.#me @ myself [so lovingly]: what are you talking about. how old are you #me @ myself: talk to me abt earth 2 in which 3oh!3 remixed i got so high that i saw jesus....and it whipped ass #also. i had to google how old i was. THREE TIMES last week.#the minute i turned 32 apparently i was like i'm in my mid-30s now the rest of this decade is NOT my business until i turn 38 #this post was supposed to be an uplifting reminder to myself to keep pushing forward and trying hard and to not let the rot consume me #but i think i just drove off a cliff like fully my god #i need listen to big freedia more she rules #fresno oilers.txt #another banner day in the tags with kasper moregraceful

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dredshirtroberts · 7 months

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i have acquired a mystical and powerful ointment (hydrocortisone cream) from the village herbalist (rite aid) to assist with the curse set upon my bloodline from many generations ago (eczema)

#feel free to reblog #ironically this is the one thing i know the least about and it's the one i've known about for sure for the longest #never seen a doctor for it (everything online says you probably should) because my parents never took me #they told me that's what it was because that's what my dad had and it looked close enough #they also said i'd grow out of it like my dad did (just as he was growing back into it hmmmmm)#so i'm not like shocked that this is cropped up again i'm mostly like. annoyed? and sad.#i'm annoyed because like - they treated it so casually it was a non issue #get some anti-itch cream moisturize etc #and be quiet about it until it goes away #so it came back every now and then and i stopped telling them i was getting flare ups i'd just get into dad's cortizone and put some on #until it went away #there was never like a plan or a regimine in place for how to deal with it #dad's whole routine was preventative (lots and lots of baby oil) with the steroid cream you pick up at the pharmacy if there was a flare #and i didn't even know when he'd get a flare because it never got brought up - so i didn't know to look for patterns or anything #and now it's hitting me and has been for probably longer than i realized and i'm just like #*how do i take care of this???* *why is it not going away???*#and like yes i absolutely should also still see a doctor about it just to like. Fucking get shit in my records #jesus christ the realization that eczema isn't even probably in my medical records fucking hell #IT'S IMPORTANT BECAUSE IT'S AN IMMUNE RESPONSE AND DOCTORS PROBABLY NEED TO KNOW I'VE GOT A FUCKY IMMUNE SYSTEM IF THAT'S A THING #LIKE CHRIST IN HEAVEN MOM AND DAD A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR IS LIKE NORMAL FOR SMALL CHILDREN #FOR FUCKS SAKE WHY DID I NEVER SEE A DOCTOR AS A CHILD FUCKING MARY MOTHER OF GOD MA WHAT THE FUCK

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inkblackorchid · 6 months

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Reasons why I had to put the duel from chapter 4 of the WIP into a separate, new chapter, exhibit A: This is the duel, now in chapter 5. Just the duel. I didn't even add any of the other stuff that's supposed to happen in this chapter yet.

#yugioh 5ds #also for the record #turn-wise this is by far not the longest duel I've written #it's actually one of the shortest ones #and it's not over-bloated with plot either #between all the dialogue the cardplay the descriptions and what plot stuff was absolutely necessary #this just gained a life of its own though #which. basically happens every time I script a duel #the longer I write 5ds fic the less surprised I am how many canon duels had to be stretched across multiple episodes #this shit takes AGES #anyway #fic writing updates #current wip #orchid rambles

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cakemoney · 15 days

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finding out that kaito and shinichi have been revealed to be cousins is like finding out there was a huge earthquake in the country you used to live in

#which also just happened. these experiences are roughly equivalent. snmcmdmcmdllc #detective conan #laughs awkwardly #LIKE. idk how to put into words. detective conan's fandom is.... something #these are people who have been invested in the (often romantic) trials and tribulations of a 17 year old who looks 7 years old #for upwards of 20 or 30 years. this is not a casual reveal #detective conan is not some labor of love and artistry that the author has a specific vision for. it's the longest cash grab that never end #it has had movies during golden week every year for longer than i have been alive and distributes it in several countries #and kaito/shinichi is very popular. i think if you know anything about manga/anime fandoms i don't even need to explain why #for the author to publicly canonically rip up one of the most popular ships of the series... it's hard to imagine that it wasn't deliberate #it's not just a matter of 'omg just ship what you like ignore canon'. they HAVE been doing that (conan has a canon female love interest)#this is very destiel-coded in the sense that it feels simultaneously like the author acknowledging that section of the fandom #while doing the worst possible thing about it. like NO ONE wanted that dnvkdmlvmdk #except for me. this is so funny. I've ALWAYS HAD SUSPICIONS OKAY #kaito and shinichi's canonized same-face syndrome might have started as a meta joke. but remember. this is one of those series #where people are frequently revealed to be a.) not dead all along and b.) secretly someone else all along and #c.) secretly related to someone plot-important all along. all these have happened MANY times #when you have a franchise that has run for this long you kind of have no choice but to up the stakes to the point of absurdity #so basically. it feels like walking in with pizza to the burning room meme except the author was the one to set the fire

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elsyrel · 2 years

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Arcana headcanons: main 6 and friendship

Ok, some headcanons about how each LI manages friendship, how many friends do they have, if they make friends easily, etc etc :D!!

Asra

Asra has fewer friends than it seems. He is kind by nature, and deeply believes that everyone should do their part to make the world a better place...but all those nice interactions are fleeting. He enjoys the hospitality and kindness of others, but takes them as temporary. People come and go, he’s here today and there tomorrow, and he never stays long enough in one place to settle his relationships. He can easily feel disappointed with the cruelty of others, and therefore he is very careful when depositing his true affections.

Vesuvia is the only place he has stayed long enough to form some true friendships. When he finally finds someone with whom he feels a true connection, he can be overwhelmed with affection. Asra doesn't need many friends, but every single one of them is irreplaceable, and his absence can lead to a crisis. He is very protective of them, and values above all that they have a good heart.

Nadia

Regarding friendship, Nadia is somewhat insecure, even if she doesn't want to admit it. She has a hard time genuinely opening up to others. That added to the pressure to be perfect makes her seem haughty and aloof, which drives potential friends away from her. Since she was little, Nadia has convinced herself that she is enough by herself, and that she does not need anyone, but that is not true. She wants with all her might to have someone she can trust, someone with whom she can drop the facade and show herself as she is, a confidant. She's an introvert, so she can spend days and days alone without getting bored, but that doesn't mean she doesn't feel lonely.

She thinks it's better to have a few good friends than to have a lot of bad ones. She needs a lot of time alone to meditate and focus on her projects, so she wouldn't be able to carry on an inordinate number of friendships either. She prefers to have only a few friends that she takes good care of, with whom she is incredibly generous, almost spoiling them. Among the things she values most in a friend is honesty.

Julian

He NEEDS people. His energy gets drained if he can’t socialize in a long time, so he has lots and lots of friends... although not all of them are trustworthy. He thinks “if there are no friends around, it's time to make a new one”. He has no problem approaching a stranger and striking up a conversation, as long as he entertains himself with someone he can do anything, from buying you a drink, to clowning around. He has no shame, and he's good at making people laugh, so people like having him around... and he likes to be liked by others. He considers anyone he has chatted with for 10 minutes a friend.

He truly can’t be alone. If he's left alone with his thoughts, he spirals into self-destructive thoughts...so to avoid thinking he socializes. That's why he has two types of friends: his friends, and his enemies. He'd rather be in a bar fight, slapping twenty sailors, than to be alone. Julian appreciates even those people with whom he has a complicated relationship, as they not only distract him from his own mind, but they are a good relief for his need for drama and theatrics. So yes. he prefers to be with an enemy, than to be alone.

Muriel

Except for Asra, Muriel has basically no friends. He didn't have them when he was a child, and he doesn't have them as an adult either. It is very, very difficult for him to make new friends, so much so that he doesn't even try anymore. It gets to the point that even when others make the first move and try to befriend him, Muriel is overwhelmed and his first impulse is to run away. The fear of disappointing them prevents him from forming relationships, he prefers to reject before being rejected. He declines as a preventative measure.

In any case, Muriel is extremely introverted, and having more than two or three friends would drain his energy and make him feel extenuated. He can go days, weeks, or even months without any kind of social interaction, but if one of the few people who have managed to gain his trust needs him...he will literally do anything for them. Precisely because he has few connections, the ones he does have are like family to him.

Portia

Probably the one with the most friends of all the LIs. Portia is outgoing, friendly and fun, and enjoys the company of others. She strives to get along with everyone, and she knows how to sacrifice herself for others and put herself in their shoes. She tries to include everyone in social events, she doesn't want anyone to be left out. Wherever she goes, people smile and wave at her, and it's impossible to walk down the street with her without at least ten people stopping her for a chat. She has friends everywhere, both in the palace and on the streets of Vesuvia, and she knows how to keep them for years. She rarely has fights with any of her friends and, when she does, apologies and tearful reconciliation come sooner than later.

She loves to get along with the people around her, and it's lucky that she makes friends easily, because Portia needs to be with others in order to not get bored. However, Portia knows how to distinguish real friends from circumstantial ones. She knows that there is some people who take a lot and give very little, and just because she is kind and generous does not mean that she is naive.

Lucio

Lucio makes new friends very easily. He has an exuberant personality and a certain charisma, he is not shy about showing affection to someone he has met for two minutes, and, at first, people like him. However, there comes a point where that strong personality becomes too much. He talks too much, he never shuts up. He's too demanding, too clingy, too loud. After a while, he ends up overwhelming the people around him and scaring them away.

He reaches over and over again to old friends, trying to reconnect, only to discover that they are giving him the cold shoulder (and, very often, they have good reasons). He’ll try a desperate last resort and try showering them in gifts, but that solution rarely provides a lasting result. And, over and over, he finds out that those who once were his friends, are hateful towards him now.

In other words: Lucio has many friends, who are very short-lived. When push comes to shove, he probably has no one he can really trust, no one he can count on when things matter. He only has friends for "good times", not for bad times. Real friends, he has none. That's one of the reasons he likes parties so much: a place where there are lots of new people, in a good mood, and ready for some ruckus. No one has gotten tired of him yet. They still laugh with him, they still smile at him, and there's still a good vibe.

#the arcana #The Arcana Game #asra alnazar #nadia satrinava #julian devorak #portia devorak #muriel of the kokhuri #muriel #count lucio #lucio morgasson #headcanons #the arcana headcanons #i've had this in my drafts for two millennia #also lucio is the longest one once again oopsie ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#many times i write headcanons just cause i want to write LUCIO headcanons lol #but then i think: since i've just started this i could as well write all the LIs #i have drafts where i have written lucio's part and the other LIs are there... blank lol

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ceyrann · 2 years

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PAC 4 : MESSAGES FROM AN ESTRANGED LOVED ONE

这个世界，不只是单纯的黑白。更多的是我们不曾在你、在自己内心留意到的彩色。

The world is not only made up of black and white. It also includes the colours in you and me that we have never paid attention to.

Greetings. I’m back with a PAC that I’ve been wanting to work on for the longest time. This PAC is similar to the 1st PAC I did, where you pick a poem/art. This time, however, I did not include the poems in the art, as I did in the first. But I create the art with the poem in mind so... Yeah.

The piles go from left to right, top to bottom. Breathe in, breathe out, then pick one that calls out to you the most. I believe there’s a particular person appearing in your head or whose voice you hear the moment you saw this title, and I believe we all need some form of reassurance to move on with past hurt.

So here it is.

Once again, breathe in, and out. Make yourself some tea, or your own comfort drink. Calm yourself down and pick the pile or piles you’re drawn to the most. I hope you get the answers you seek.

Disclaimer: This is solely for my entertainment purposes. Take only whatever you feel like it. If it doesn’t resonate, it’s okay to just drop it. Original poems are by the respective authors, translation and art are by yours truly.

Decks used: Linestrider Tarot Deck, Luna Cat Tarot Deck (Major Arcana), Flower Petals Oracle Deck, Sweet Dreams Oracle Deck

Found your pile? Let's go!

Pile 1

此夜曲中闻折柳，何人不起故园情。李白——《春夜洛城闻笛》

How would one not be reminded of their home, with a tune of a willow nocturne resounding through the walls?

This poem talks about the feelings of nostalgia and homesickness when the author heard the melody of his hometown played by flute. Hence, the flute in the image.

Homesickness, nostalgia, a sad tune, and most of all, I feel there may be some fire in it. It may be symbolising hasty decision making, or the want to just end everything and burn them down to ashes, including connections and ties. Reason why I said so is that the first card that flipped out almost got burnt cuz it went straight to the candle I lit beside me. I was really scared but luckily it did not burn.

“How does it feel?”

“How does it feel? To burn our relationship to ashes, to disregard everything that we’ve been through? You have never talked to me, we have never talked things out, and this is where we now end up at. Honestly, there were a lot of opportunities, a lot of chances, a lot of nice timings where you could come to me and tell me of your insecurities, instead of brushing me away. We used to be so close, sharing so many moments and thoughts. Now we’re so far apart, even though we may live close to each other..”

“You mentioned that by seeing me, you’d feel scared and inferior. What was it that made you feel so? What was it that painted your insecurities greater than this bond we share? What was it that brought us apart? Don’t you see that I feel inferior to you too? It’s like I’m stuck here and you’re so far away, and I had to work extra hard to be able to catch up to you. I just want to be equal, to be someone who’s on your level, but you said that you’re jealous of me? Feeling inferior to me?”

“I’ve told you so many times that you’re burning yourself out, and that you’ll end up being impulsive and will start having a lack of sound judgement. I have told you before, that if you have no idea why you’re being stressed out, it means you’re Actually Stressed, and that You Needed Rest. It can be difficult for you to sleep at times, which was why I said you needed help. I don’t want to be the person who says ‘I told you so’ but you’re making it very difficult for me.”

“Please, take care of yourself. I know you want nothing else to do with me. But I hope you focus on working on yourself, take care of yourself. Keep going, keep growing into the person you’re meant to be. I’m no longer the person meant to be by your side, but I really hope that you can find new friends and create new bonds that can help you to become a better person, to become a happier person.”

“Most of all, I hope that you can be at peace with yourself. Challenges will always be present. Our relationship ending like this is also a challenge that we both need to face. It was a rocky path and I believed that you’ve arrived at this decision after a long while of thinking. Pfft. Remember to use your heart at times and let your brain take some rest.”

“Do yourself justice. I wish you the best in getting whatever you want. Work hard, manifest, whatever the words are. Do yourself justice, cut down whatever that no longer serves you.”

“Take care, and good-bye.”

Image in my head: Fire. Someone holding a flute and talking to you in a very… Empty tone? It’s like… Apathetic? Emotionless? But by looking at their grip on the flute, they’re just trying to control themselves. They’ve been hurt by this as well and have not been doing good. Both of you are equally hurt, and no matter how much you want to reconcile with this person, you both realised that you’re no longer doing each other any good. For some reason, this someone will leave with the flute, or they’ll throw the flute into the fire and leave.

The flute reminds me of music, so maybe you or this someone or the both of you play a musical instrument.

Pile 2

好是春风湖上亭，柳条藤蔓系离情。戎昱——《移家别湖上亭》

“Farewell”, I whispered to the winds of spring, to the lake I adore, to the pavilion I love. Yet willows and vines with how they swayed, holding me back, not letting me leave.

This poem talks about a farewell that cannot be turned away, and how the author feels reluctant in leaving, as though every living creature out there is stopping. There usually are pavilions in the middle of the lake, where poets and people would gather there for a nice view.

The pavilion is just in the middle of the lake, with no one in it. There’s a sense of loneliness but also a sense of feeling lost, letting the waters around drown your feelings. I have a feeling that some of you who picked this pile may be attracted to water, or may dream of bodies of water. Maybe the ocean? Going to a river? Kinda thing.

“It’s time to leave.”

“Your words, hung onto me, haunt me, not letting me be at peace. Oh, your words are like the Devil, resounding in my head, scorning and laughing at how weak I am. We used to be the best couple, the best duo, the best team. Until we stopped caring.”

“It’s not like we stopped for no reason. We stopped caring cuz anything more than that would mess us up, crush us like dirt. We couldn’t deal with it anymore. Through this, we realised that we needed boundaries. We’ve been riding and living along and upon the waves, letting it take us to wherever we go. Recklessness is fine, but we’ve been living on risk, letting the highs of adrenaline we’ve gotten from danger to charge us. Living the life like the Joker and Harley Quinn sounds romantic and all but boy, it eats us up more than we could ever imagine. Being unique sounds amazing, but also we realise this isn’t the uniqueness we should be going after.”

“Balance and boundaries have been recurring topics in our relationship. We’ve been looking at things from an outsider’s point of view, maybe even from an outcast’s point. I guess you’re right, that it’s high time for us to readjust our position, so that we can also see things from some other people’s view. We’ve been known for our versatility, it should be easy, right?”

“For fuck’s sake, letting go of the past is never easy, especially when you’re so used to the old habits. Fine, it’s me who’s used to the old habits. But do not deny the fact that we had fun. …… -sighs- We should be talking about growing anew and I keep going into the past. I can’t help but to reminisce about them. Those were the times that I experienced so many new things and learning about feelings, including the anger and apathy in me. It’s just so… Difficult…”

-breathes in, and out-

“People on the internet, spiritualists, psychologists, and even our friends told us to start healing. They never told me that healing will need me to tear open my wounds, redress and tend to them before actual recovery can take place. I wish there’s some sort of pill for me to take so that I can just forget about the pain. They also mentioned about reconnecting with my inner child and to nurture them? What even is it lmAO. I feel like I’m The Child Who Needs Nurturing instead.”

“......”

“Wait, actually it may be that? Lol I’m amazed at my understanding of random stuffs ahahaha oof. Well, I suppose it’s as what you’ve said before, that it’s time for us to start anew, to step on a new path. It still hurts, it hurts as though my insides have been sucked empty, like there’s nothing in me. But we’ll still get through this.”

“We’re crazy fighters, and we fight.”

Image in my head: The other person seems like they want to stretch out their hands to hold you, but they pulled back and just,,, keep their hands to themselves. Fidgeting with their fingers, looking hella anxious and may stutter. Too many thoughts running in their head to the point they can’t even keep their words coherent at times. They wanna hold you but they couldn’t.

Pile 3

相思相见知何日？此时此夜难为情！李白——《三五七言》

The yearns, the longing; yet no days promised. How do I endure this for another night?

This poem talks about how the poet misses his friend, but has no idea when they will meet each other again.

Not gonna lie, I honestly thought it’s a poem about lovers being unable to meet and the poet is just missing them badly. Maybe it’s cuz of my misunderstanding but you can’t blame me, okay.

The art for this pile is the acacia beans. The reason I chose these for this pile is because of the word “相思” that’s in the line picked. 相思 generally means the feeling of yearning and missing a particular person, and the acacia beans have been known as 相思豆, also known as love beans. The explanation and its folklore can be found here.

“Hey, it’s been a long time.”

“How have things been? I don’t see you active much these days? It’s like you’ve been hella exhausted and overburdened with whatever that’s going on in your life? Chillax. Haha it was you who kept telling me to chill and relax in the past and guess what? I’m now the person who’s returning these same words back to you. It’s like you’re blinded by all the earthly things that are happening around you, and you lose sight of what you actually wanted, who you wanted to be.”

“You wanted to be happy, didn’t you? It can be difficult to return to the past to enjoy that bliss that runs deep in us, the untainted lightness in our hearts. But it’s not impossible to get back that joy. You’ve taught me that. You’ve taught me to trust in my inner wisdom and intuition, told me to go along the flow at times is not a bad thing. So go!”

“Look around you, open up your hearts and eyes. You have so many people around you who are willing to support you. Their hands are outstretched and you’ll know if they’re trustworthy because your vibe-check is always on point! They’ll be there to help you out of your slump, help you to see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

“Ride the winds! Fly a kite! I don’t know, just do some dumb shit and make yourself happy! Explore the various choices out there, reach for the skies and move forward! If you really wanna reach out to the skies then maybe try skydiving lol please don’t. Practice courage each day, take it at your own pace. No one’s rushing you. Lemme know if there’s anyone rushing you, I’ll fight them.”

“When unexpected changes come for you, I hope you still have the same ol’ courage as in the past to beat that shit down. Sometimes you may ask why all this nonsense is going for you, but knowing you, you won’t have time for all those questions, solely focusing on solving the problem at hand. Things prolly will wanna hurl themselves at you, but you can kick them back away. If there are things that you realise are your responsibility, I pray and share part of my strength with you to embrace those changes and adapt to the new tasks. Tho I’d prolly still fight.”

“Have faith! Idk about spirituality or whatever those are, but I know good things will come to you. Stop staying up at night to finish your tasks. Maybe once in a while to look at the stars and the moon and know that you’re not alone. Remember to be fair to yourself and let yourself rest when you need them!”

“We are fighting dreamers!”

Image in my head: This person sounds like someone you’ve not talked to for a long while, but they still remember you as someone special. You have been with them through their darkest moments and y’all probably have found different friend groups and have grown apart. They’re still pretty chill and talk to y’all at a comfortable distance. There’s some awkward smiles here and there, but some nice chuckles were present. Sincerity is as bright as day in their eyes, and you can feel both of y’all slowly getting closer again.

Pile 4

桃花潭水深千尺，不及汪伦送我情。李白——《赠汪伦》

The bodies of waters may be deep and heavy; yet incomparable to the depth of farewell from a friend.

This poem is dedicated to the poet’s friend, Wang Lun. That’s… just all. This line talks about how the poet, Li Bai, treasures Wang Lun, that the feelings for each other are just in depth.

For some reason, this pile gives me the feeling of a friendship problem. Maybe it’s cuz that there’s a word “friend” in the poem, maybe because there’s some heaviness and brooding with a friend you thought you were close to.

The flowers here are peach flowers, since in the original work, the peach trees grow by the waters and the flower petals are floating on the surface of water. Which is why this pile is represented by peach flowers. They are soft and beautiful flowers, calming and soothing too.

“Recklessness has been a theme in our relationship, huh. There’s always this weird tension between us, and boy, the times that we have yelled our heads off each other, competing against each other, charging towards our own goals and making sure that you don’t catch up. … I’ve slipped up, haven’t I?”

“Yes, this competition is one-sided, I’ve always seen you as my rival. You’ve been a threat to me all these while, making me feel so left out from our friend groups. Yeah sure, I definitely have gotten defensive. Could you ever imagine how tiring, how energy consuming it is to be on edge constantly? No, it’s not paranoia. I know myself. This is just normal fear. Just the fear of failure, the fear of being unknown.”

“Sometimes I don’t even know if we’re meant to be friends or not. You’re an amazing person, undoubtedly so. But constantly being with you means that I have to be under your shadow. I have no choice but to climb up from that and let the light shine on me instead. I wanted to wear the crown, so I’ll bear the weight of it. I am constantly reminded of who I wanted to be, I believe you are, too.”

“Dealing with me most probably wore you out quite a lot. I’m not sure of anything but knowing you, you probably have been polishing yourself and been practicing courage each day. Seeing your transformation is… Giving me mixed feelings. You being good means I’m supposed to be better. Yet I know that you’ve been working hard. Probably that you’ve been transitioning into a better phase in life.”

“... How do you even have that much energy? To be reaching your highest good, to be regenerating yourself and constantly to be better and better? -scoffs- Yeah right, my heart is closed up, not open to love nor any possibilities. Don’t talk to me about manifestation. I only believe in my actions and own efforts. Nothing will come to me if I don’t work hard.”

“Anyways. Enough of the talks. Not interested in being an energy vampire, I’ll get tired too. Just a word of advice: Pay close attention to your surroundings. I know that you’re sharp enough but just look around, no fault staying on the safer side. You may not know there are people out there who hide themselves better than me. Be smart. Don’t fail both you and I.”

“Oh well, the past is over. You’re on your way, and so should I be on my way too. I should also try welcoming changes into my life, just like you. Not sure if the doors of magic will open to me but no fault trying, I guess? Hopefully, I’ll find my own strength, just like you’ve found yours.”

“We must go on.”

Image in my head: Both of you standing at a very guarded distance, bodies stiff at first and then relaxing as the conversation went on. It’s not like you’re afraid of the person, but just… Uncomfortable. But as their monologue went on, you’re slowly letting yourself relax because whatever they say is something that you’ve already known. You still listen to them, manners and courtesy purposes. But most of all, you’re slowly letting go of whatever you’ve been holding against them. You know that it’s time for you to transition into a new phase of your life and you’ve decided to focus on what pleases you, instead of what stresses you out.

Pile 5

人到情多情转薄，而今真个不多情。纳兰性德——《山花子·风絮飘残已化萍》

When one loves many, their love runs shallow. Now I deeply regret not loving thee.

This poem talks about the poet and his regrets. Even in his marriage with his wife, he still thinks of his feelings, his love for his cousin. He regrets after his wife’s passing due to a miscarriage, recognizing that his love towards his wife has been shallow. The pain he felt was as though getting his insides pierced and torn, and he could only hide the tears as he could no longer compensate for his lost love.

The image is supposed to be a camellia and I hope I did it justice. I couldn’t really think of a suitable icon for this pile and decided to go with flower since the word flower appeared in the title. This flower probably grows on the mountains and it feels like the flower petals flew and covered the mountains with its colours.

“Stand up.”

“You’ve been very conscious and clear of what you have wanted, and I do not blame you for that. Vulnerability and frailty exists in every single one of us, and we succumb to them. It’s human nature, you were still young, you were still learning. You were, and you still are holding a lot on your shoulders. Please, put them down, let your shoulders rest. You don’t need those loads, as they are no longer yours to hold on to. The shame, the guilt, other people’s expectations of you; these are not yours. So, let go. The past is over, let your true self step forward, and welcome the new beginning.”

“Be kind to yourself. Open your arms and wrap around those that need nurturing, starting with yourself. Try something new, try something you’ve wanted to try for a long time. You’ve wanted to learn drawing? Do it! You’ve wanted to write a story? Write it! Care for yourself, do what it is that you want to do. Open up yourself to inspiration and let creativity flow through you. You may have lost the chance when you were younger, but you are now allowed to do things that pleases you. Remember, what pleases us shapes us. Communicate with your work of art, show love to it, and it will reward you with happiness and pride.”

“It sounds like I’m putting a lot on you, but remember to go with your pace, take baby steps. Do not rush yourself through things, my child. No, you are not running out of time. In fact, the timing is just right for your dreams, desires and goals to manifest. Sit back, make some tea, enjoy ten minutes looking out the window and be at peace with yourself. Patience is a virtue.”

“You’ve been such a smart and bright child, and you’ve only grown brighter. Yet, the fear in you also grew along with it. Worries and failures have clouded your eyes, making you unable to focus on the beautiful things that are still with you. It is difficult for you to put your failure aside, I understand. In this case, try focusing on resting and getting yourself on your feet to face the challenges head on again. Sleep, and rest. Who knows you may receive some insights in your dream?”

“You’ve been forced to grow up quickly, and I’m sorry for that, my child. But fear not, for the best is on its way to you. You’ve grown stronger, and things will be better. The universe rewards those who are deserving of them. And you, my child, deserve it more than anyone else.”

“I’m sorry that I’m unable to accompany you on this journey, but know that I’m always rooting for you and wishing you all the best.”

“You are deserving of all the good things life has to offer. You deserve them.”

Image in my head: A kind and lovely elderly person patting your head as you rested your head on their lap. They’re sitting in some sort of wooden/rattan chair, rocking it slowly as they slowly caress you, soothing and calming you. You were not used to this sort of affection at first, but you slowly let yourself succumb to the warmth and by the end of their talk, you were not really willing to let go of them.

Pile 6

离人无语月无声，明月有光人有情。李冶——《明月夜留别》

Goodbyes were said, as quiet as the moon, its light on us, gently soothing our hearts.

This poem talks about separation and goodbye between a couple. The poem revolves around “moon”, where it talks about the goodbyes under the moonlight, from silence to murmurs, describing the depth and determination between the couple where they won’t be apart as their hearts are still together.

A more accurate depiction of the poem should be a full moon but I have problems drawing a circle without any guidance so y’all have to settle for a crescent moon. But since the poem generally is centered with the moon, it is the best choice to be a symbol for this pile.

“I’m sorry that things have to end like this.”

“We could’ve been the best duo, but things just never seemed to work out for us, huh. Maybe it’s because we are too similar to each other, which is why we keep noticing each other’s flaws?”

“Keeping secrets from each other had never been a good idea. And no matter how much we’ve emphasised on being open and communicative, we just don’t seem capable of doing that. Sure, we talked. We talked a lot, on various topics and our opinions can align most of the time, and I think it’s because of that we start to have expectations that our values are supposed to be the same, and we end up forgetting that deep down, we’re both very different individuals.”

“We had very different childhoods, but neither were sugar or candy coated. You probably had it even harder, which was why you still are unable to let go of the wounds you’ve carried ever since you were a child. Letting go has never been easy, but somehow, you still have this air of wisdom, able to guide people through things. You let flowers bloom from your wounds, making it look prettier and more acceptable to the human eye. But deep down you’re probably in a lot of pain, since the roots of the flower are now deep in your veins.”

“Flowers are pretty, but make sure that you’re not letting them feed off you. Set boundaries to make sure that you’re growing well. Like what Marie Kondo has said, if it does not spark joy, then it’s time for you to remove it from your system, from your environment. I’ve stopped focusing on what makes me unhappy, so you should try that instead. Find out what pleases you the most, focus your energy on it, and perhaps, you see yourself becoming the type of person you wanted to be.”

“Pfft. Am just randomly reminded how people have talked about us. … Okay, more like how people have talked about you. They probably have had a bunch of expectations on you, wanting you to act a certain way to them but then you did not do what they hoped for. I’m sorry that I used to be one of those who talked behind you. After some time, I came to terms that we’re just holding on to different values, which I really shouldn’t be blaming you for. In the end, we’re all different beings with different life experiences.”

“It’s probably time for us to move on, to properly go on the journey we’re meant to walk. Talk, open yourself to communicate. You’re an excellent communicator and I know you’re capable of talking to almost everyone, including yourself. Maybe communicate with your inner self, your higher self? Not sure if that works, but just try.”

“Remember to take breaks to balance yourself? The entire thing with us has left us unwilling to build new relationships like this again, I believe. But life goes on, and we should also go on too.

“Remember to colour your hair if you feel like it. It’ll suit you. You’ll prolly shine brighter than the sun lol. That’s you. Keep going, keep growing. Be unstoppable. One day, who knows, we might be able to look at each other and be at peace.”

“And maybe, we may be able to talk to each other peacefully again?”

Image in my head: This pile… There’s no face to face interaction in this. There’s someone writing a letter to you, pausing and thinking at times, striking out some words, and deciding to just write a whole new letter. It happened at least twice, and the not-so-nice ones became draft papers for them to doodle and to recall the spellings of certain words. They took breaks in between, looking at the stack of letters in front of them and placed them aside. Occasionally, they returned to the letters you both exchanged in the past and read them.

Pile 7

萧萧梧叶送寒声，江上秋风动客情。叶绍翁——《夜书所见》

Autumn wind against the leaves, cold and shivering, Bringing along memories, remembering one’s home

This poem was created when the poet saw the seasons changing, realising how much time has passed and that he’s still away from home. It’s a scenery-describing poem, where being alone in a quiet autumn has reminded him of the loneliness and the cold wind that has been accompanying him.

The picture representing this pile is a boat. In ancient China, there used to be boats that are like... Inns on waters? Where patrons can enjoy the scenery of the lake and the trees by the side. The original poem talks about patrons and the huge river, which was why I thought of the boat-inn being fitting for this pile.

“Patience is a virtue.”

“You may not see the crops, the fruits of your labour, but fret not, because they are all there. Some may require a longer growth time, depending on the soil and water you used. They are there, so worry not. Use those times of worrying to focus on other things perhaps?”

“The water looks calm but remember that fearsome monsters lie beneath calm waters. Nature is always being portrayed as the Nurturer, yet many forget the destructive powers these ancient beings hold. We depend on nature, not the other way. Never attempt to challenge them.”

“Change will be coming, and you can’t run away from them. Stop running, stop rushing. What is meant to come to you will eventually come to you. The more you run, the more fear you’ll have in you. Sit down, breathe, have faith. Embrace change in this new day and adapt to what is to come. Do not fear distract you, or doubt the new paths ahead. ”

“I know you never liked hearing me nag, but things still need to be said, and hopefully they’ll get their way through your thick skull. I know you’re still mad at me but please, look around you. Remember the person I said who’s not a good influence? Look at them again, and maybe get some other people’s insight on them. I know you hate people saying the words ‘I told you so’, but for the sake of God, please open your eyes to see the truth that’s slowly uncovering. There were whispers in your heart and you never listened to them just to piss me off. You knew something was wrong with them but you ignored the warnings just to go against me. Now that I’m away from you, can you acknowledge that this person is doing you more harm than good?”

“They’ve been hiding their real intentions from you this entire while, which you know. You’ve never bothered listening to me, and that’s alright. Just that… From now on, listen to others. Listen with care, speak with kindness. Your words hold so much power, power that you don’t even know. Listen to your heart as well, as it will guide you with the wisdom of nature. You’re strong, that’s how you have been living fearlessly. But please, love more. Love yourself and the other people around you, open up your heart and allow the world and its kindness to enter you.”

“Remember to be fair to others. You’ve been having too much anger in you and it’s time for you to let go of them. Clear your mind of all negativity and allow your spirit to be refreshed, welcoming a hopeful tomorrow.”

“I’m with you, you’re not alone on your journey.”

Image in my head: For some reason, I feel that this is some family member? Or someone who’s been with you for a very long time. They may not have the best choice with words and may have hurt you in the past, resulting in you cutting them out of your life. They’re looking at you sad, begging you to listen to them, as they want only the best for you. Beg is the right word because they look very desperate.

Pile 8

夜月一帘幽梦，春风十里柔情。秦观——《八六子·倚危亭》

The breath of spring flutters against us; Under the moonlit night, into our dreams.

This line talks about the softness and adoration that has been carried by the spring winds into the hearts of the couple, where they enjoyed the night with each other. The words used in the poems vividly describes the unwillingness to leave, how they wished they could cling to each other when the world forbids them doing so.

This pile is actually an extra pile I decided to pick. It did not fulfil my criteria of having seven characters per line, but the entire line made me soft and mushy. This line sounded clingy, but not the overly sweet kinda clingy. Instead of clinging on the arm, it’s more like linking the pinkies as they walk. A tingling feeling. The curtains talk about night, shielding the couple from the wary eyes of the public, enjoying a tranquil moment between the both of them.

“I miss you.”

“I miss you so fucking much that I would not hesitate to travel across the world for you, just to hold you in my arms. Oh so many times I wished I could’ve thrown this current life I’ve built aside just to be with you, just to call you mine. But I couldn’t. There are responsibilities being put on my shoulders, and many more I’ve chosen to carry. I couldn’t.”

“I feel like I’m slowly driving myself crazy with how much thoughts are running in my head. I feel like I should’ve taken the leap with you, but at the same time I know life has never been kind, and that I can’t afford to go through the same shit as in the past. I know I’m not ready. You’ve been the bigger person, and me being the coward, I chose to run away.”

“You’ve told me that I should listen to my heart, to stop letting the voices in my head run wild. It’s so goddamn hard for me because of the bunch of ‘what if's' that have been yelling at the top of their lungs. I- I couldn’t, I have no idea how!”

-sighs-

“I… Yeah, if there’s a will, there’s a way. I should’ve really tried. I wasn’t brave enough to take those few steps out. You’ve been there to support me, help me, to provide help in any means you could. And yet, I just chose to turn away; to run away. You were there with your hands outstretched, but I just put on the freaking mask again to pretend I’m so cool and strong and just… Just refused your help, your heart. Why was I such a dumbass. I really chose this path, huh.”

“Enough about me. It’s gonna be the same shit again and again. I am undeserving of you, this I know. You’ll probably be better somewhere else, with some other person who can give you the joy that you deserve. No worries, I’ll still work on myself. I can’t afford to continue being stagnant like this. It’s not fair for you to be helping me all this while and I’m still a piece of non recyclable garbage. I should at least evolve some biodegradable ones. At least, contributing slightly to the world.”

“You’re still in my mind, in my heart, in my soul. There’s this part of you that I keep in my head, to remind myself that it’s because of you that I’m now learning and growing into a better person. It’s hella difficult to accept certain things, but I’m learning. Acceptance is the final stage of the Five Stages of Grief, and with that, hopefully, I’ll be able to walk and act on my passions and dreams.”

“You’re my love, my dream. That will never change. But I need to work on myself to find my own purpose, to learn to create strong emotional connections with the other important people in my life. And I certainly hope that you’re doing so, playing and laughing with the people you care and love.”

“I do think that it’s difficult for us to meet, but I certainly do hope that I get to meet you in my dreams. Maybe, just… Maybe… You can dream of me at times? And if that happens, I hope that it would be a nice dream, one that gives you the feeling of relief and peace. I’m never your responsibility, so don’t worry about me.”

“I promise you that I’m working on myself, and I always am in debt and am grateful for your love and patience. Gosh… I can’t believe I finally let them all out. Time for us to turn the wheels of time and continue with whatever we’re working on?”

“I wish for peace to be on you, that you may continue shining and being the you who loves yourself the most.”

“Take care, I love you.”

Image in my head: Someone and you in an infinite space, where an illuminated clock is below your feet. That someone looks like in pain and keeps clutching their chest as they shout out whatever they have wanted to tell you. You were standing there and listening. You did not approach them to hug or pat their back, but just there, listening to them quietly. You were really listening, and there’s this small smile on your face. A smile of relief, knowing that they’re working hard on themselves. After the yelling session, you both looked at each other, ready to put down the past and walk towards a better future.

#ceyrann #4th PAC - Message from An Estranged Loved One #i really REALLY wanted to do this PAC for the longest time ever #i've had ideas about this like heck i'm not even kidding #i couldn't proceed with this cuz i had no energy to do the art #then i've decided to change the artstyle to something like this and #i can tell you that i fucking love it #also i tried doing this reading in a different style #it's obviously very different from what i used to do #but i enjoyed doing it #and i hope y'all enjoy it too

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