#Ive seen this kinda stuff do more harm than good too many times | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dr3amofagame · 3 years

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uhhhh ,, , hi ??

i feel bad bc i havent been here in. LITERALLY forever lmao - hope you guys r all doing good!! ive been working on some stuff but it’s been pretty slow going, and school is also A Thing, so i definitely havent been writing as much as i’d like.

as an apology, have this? really self-indulgent feel-good syndicate + c!dream centric oneshot bc i felt like writing this so u know. why not.

tws: implied torture, abuse, self-harm, disordered eating, starvation mentions, prison arc themes - overall everything’s just blink-and-you’ll-miss-it mentions, not too much angst here for once! c!sam and c!quackity critical, sorry guys but we r still in the prison arc and they still r on their “fuck human rights” arcs.

Dream leaves.

It’s a surprise - or maybe it isn’t one, Niki isn’t quite sure. She’d never grown to quite trust the man, she knows, and she can’t really tell if the bitter twist of emotion that swells up her chest when Phil comes to her city with the news is betrayal or resignation - what can she say. She’s gotten more than her fair share of broken promises. They don’t exactly faze her anymore.

None of them seem all that surprised, save Techno, who entirely fails to hide the worry that flickers over his face when he calls the Syndicate meeting to officially inform them of what’s going on. She shares quick, careful glances with the other members when his back is turned - despite how many times he’s been burned, Techno still seems so adamant at holding onto every thread, trusting all too easily those who would use and leave him behind without a second glance. He can handle himself, she knows. Still, that’s not going to stop her from slapping Dream upside the head for being yet another worthless person to betray her friend’s forgiving nature.

Nothing much changes in the next few weeks. Niki has to admit, it’s strange without Dream around - he’d not been an ally, much less a friend before dipping completely, but he had been some sort of constant - and Niki is self aware enough to know that she misses him, a little, the same sort of way you might miss an old routine once it’s gone, if only for the familiarity. She still visits Techno and Phil with various baked goods, knowing that Phil would have his hands full just keeping Techno from running himself ragged - makes sure to check on Ranboo, whose nerves have inevitably returned with Dream’s disappearance. To be honest, she doesn’t worry as much as he does - ally or not, she’s spent enough time with the Dream that had left prison to expect that he won’t exactly be able to get himself very far should he come for the four of them, and doesn’t particularly care about he might pull with the rest of the server - if things get bad, she’s sure Phil and Techno will have it handled. She asks Phil, once, what happened, and he shrugs.

“I don’t know, mate,” he heaves a chest to the side, pulling out a stack of stone blocks that Niki gladly holds for him. “One day we woke up and he was just- gone. Everything. Was like he wasn’t ever there at all.”

Niki hums. “Why’d you think he’d do something like that?”

“If I could understand half of why Dream does what he does, we wouldn’t be having this conversation now, would we?” He smiles at her from behind a crate. “Shall we bring these things upstairs and start on dinner?”

Niki laughs, knowing that the conversation about Dream is over. “Of course, Phil.”

Dinner is a welcome distraction; all of them have gotten better at cooking in recent months, between her baking and the veritable library of recipes Phil knows that she’s never even heard of, but Phil is still the only one she really trusts to hold his own behind the stove - Ranboo is still a little too nervous around water, and fire, and much of everything, and though Techno can be a perfectly capable cook, he’s been distracted as of late. She has a strong feeling that left to his own devices, he’d just grab a stack of steak and disappear for another few weeks, searching the server for information.

Honestly, she’s a little thrown off by his behavior - he’d not done anything like this with Tommy, if she remembers right, and had hardly seemed affected by Wilbur’s betrayal on the Sixteenth at all (then again, she was a little too lost in her own head to notice if he was.) She tosses her head over to ask Phil, who’s leaning over a few carrots he’s slicing to throw into the stew he’s making, and the man pauses, frowns.

“From what I know,” he starts, words slow, careful, “they’d spent three months in there together, and the conditions weren’t exactly- stellar. According to what Techno said, I’d assumed they had come to some sort of understanding.” He goes back to the carrots, expression dipping into shadow and out of sight. “Guess I was wrong.”

Niki hums. She can see it, sort of - spending months together with someone, no matter how insufferable, probably would end with some degree of attachment - she thinks back to plotting through sleepless nights with Jack, anger and grief leaving them simmering, crabs in the same pot of boiling water, remembers looking into his dead-eyed gaze and seeing her own stare back - and feels a brief pang of guilt. Besides, Techno is Techno. She’d never met someone so willing to forgive, understand, reach out despite everything that’s happened - for Dream to take advantage of that feels almost too obvious. Of course he would - what were they all thinking?

“He’s Dream,” she says as if that explains everything, flipping open the oven door and feeling a wave of heat blast her face. Phil hums lowly, understanding. “I hope Techno will be alright.”

“He’s tough,” Phil cracks a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes, “And he has us on his side. He’ll get through.”

Niki opens her mouth to reply, only to be interrupted by the front door slamming open. Outside their quaint little cottage, the wind howls - it sounds like the beginning of a blizzard out there, flurries painting the world in a thick blanket of white. In the door, Techno strides into the entrance with loud, decisive movements, shutting the door loud enough to make the walls shake. Inadvertently, Niki finds her eyes drawn to the small pile of snow that he’s tracked into the house - Techno’s usually so careful to kick it all off on the porch, never liked it much when there was a pile of melting ice and snow dampening the floorboards and soaking into his shoes. He huffs harshly, stripping off a snow-dusted scarf from his face - a long, multicolored abomination that had been the product of her attempting to teach Ranboo how to knit. Phil has reached his side, hands splayed over his upper arms, eyes soft in the corners from concern.

“Techno, mate-” his tone is chiding but his movements gentle as he brushes snow off of Techno’s signature cloak, “you’ve gotten snow everywhere. What were you doing, dueling a blizzard?”

Techno shakes his head, not meeting Phil’s banter as usual, fur sticking up from the snow melted into it. His voice is gruff and holds little humor - unconsciously, Niki feels her shoulders tense.

“Phil, call a Syndicate meeting.”

---

Phil, per usual, is unrelenting, so it’s not until a quick dinner and some hurried messages to their final member later that the Syndicate is gathered in their meeting room, Techno pacing the length of the room as they wait in their respective seats. He looks less frazzled than he did when he first entered the house, in part due to Phil’s sitting him down to eat and picking through his fur to smooth it out of its windblown spikes and tangles - Techno had grumbled at him to stop preening him, but looked a lot more relaxed by the time they were all finished with their food. Still, his ear flicks periodically, twitching toward ssome sound that Niki can’t hear, movements tighter and jerkier than she is used to. He’d always been a little flightier after the prison, but not quite like this - everything here feels like that but dialed up to eleven. Inexplicably, it reminds her of Dream.

“Techno?” Phil gestures towards his seat, prompting, and he settles into it with an obliging huff.

“Y’know, Phil, the code names are kinda pointless if we never use ‘em,” he says, words carrying no real heat - he looks back at the rest of them, lips thinning into a line. “Anyway. I called this meeting because I found a couple leads on Dream.”

“O-oh,” Ranboo stutters, tail lashing behind him.

“You don’t have to do anything that you don’t want to, mate,” Phil reminds him gently, a sentiment that Niki affirms with a determined nod.

“There’ve been some reports- rumors, really,” Techno says, calling their attention again, and they all turn towards him, “of increased activity around the prison again. The Warden spending more time on its grounds, movement seen around the walls and around the portal- so I decided to go check it out for myself.”

Niki frowns, and watches as Phil does the same beside her - Techno had seemed to avoid the prison if he could help it, save for when he went on the initial mission to break Dream out. It was no secret to them that he didn’t exactly like the place.

“We could’ve helped if you asked,” Phil reminds him, and Techno shakes his head.

“I know, Phil. It’s just- that place is bad news. I’d rather keep you guys away from there if I can-” his hand goes to his head with a poorly hidden wince. “Sorry, Chat’s a little- worked up, at the minute.”

“Sorry, we’ll stop interrupting you,” Niki says, cutting off Phil before he says anything else. “So you went to the prison?”

Techno takes a second to gather his thoughts, mumbling quietly in the way that usually means he’s telling off Chat. “Right- I decided to stake out the portal. The rumors were right- Sam has been hanging around there, entered and left the prison four times yesterday. And today-” he hesitates, expression visibly darkening. “This morning, about an hour after the Warden arrived, Quackity came to the prison and went through the portal. He left the grounds about six hours later.”

“Quackity?” Niki frowns, eyes flicking over to how Phil has stilled in his seat. “What is Quackity doing at the prison?”

Phil ignores her question, reaching towards Techno, something indiscernible in his gaze. “Mate…”

“He smelled of blood when he left,” Techno says, words sharp, and Niki feels her heart skip a beat. “Warden left about half an hour after, and I came back here.”

Ranboo clears his throat, sounding tentative. “Okay,” he drums his hand on the table when they turn towards him, eyebrows drawn, “but what, exactly, does this have to do with, uh, Dream?”

Techno and Phil trade glances, one of their bouts of unspoken conversation that Niki’s grown extremely used to. They seem strangely hesitant, she notes internally, Phil looking towards Techno with a question written clearly in the planes of his face. Techno sighs, a long puff of air through his lips as he closes his eyes and turns his face towards the table.

“You know how Dream was- injured,” he starts slowly, looking back up at them. Niki shifts uncomfortably - of course she noticed, it was impossible not to - if not the bandages that peeked under his sleeves and the cuffs of his pants, then how skinny he’d been, all skin and bones curled up uncomfortably in a pile at the corner of Techno’s couch. She’d not know the extent, by any means, and had always assumed that they’d been self-inflicted - she’d been in a bad enough place on her own before to know how your head can make you want to hurt, sometimes, how eating food can feel like choking on sawdust and the world could feel so much smaller when focused into delicate pricks of pain. Phil’s eyes are trained on Techno - on his face, then on the pinkish raised skin of a still-healing scar along his forearm, and she feels understanding settle like a rock in her gut.

“The Warden had apparently been lettin’ Quackity into the cell to torture Dream for the revive book,” Techno trails off, eyes narrowed and seemingly fixed on a random point of the opposite wall. “By the time I go there, it’d been goin’ on for months.”

“But wait,” Ranboo’s tail moves even more erratically behind him, “You mean you think he’s back- there? How?”

“He has to be back in the prison,” Techno points out. “I can’t imagine anyone besides him that the two of them are goin’ to just start torturin’- Sam had been iffy about the whole thing when Quackity started in on me. It has to be Dream in there again.”

“But how did he get in there, then?” Ranboo asks, visibly confused. “Last time it took the entire server to lock him up!”

“There were no signs of a struggle,” Niki points out, matter of fact. “I believe you, Techno, but I don’t really know how they managed to drag him back so easily. I can’t imagine he was jumping at the chance to go back in there.”

Techno shakes his head with an uneasy sigh.

“I have a feelin’ of what might’ve happened,” he says quietly. “And I really hope that I’m wrong and he’s less of an idiot than I think he is.”

---

They set out to investigate - and maybe attack - the next day, Techno and Phil taking on the bulk of preparations as Ranboo stays behind. He’d been understandably uneasy about the whole mission, so they’d left him back by the Syndicate room to set off their pearls in case anything went wrong. (“By the end of the day,” Techno had said, giving Phil a look with the corner of his lip quirked upwards, “don’t be like Phil here and think I meant the end of the month, alright?”) They’d all be supplied with armor and weapons, thanks to Phil, but she’d been handed the bulk of their potions, arranged neatly in her inventory by type in case they’d be needed. She lingers in the back of the room as Phil and Techno chat amiably over the sound of making last minute repairs on their armor, listens to Techno’s ceaseless reminders for Phil to be careful, watches as they make sure that their stasis chambers are properly prepared should they need them.

(She watches as Phil nudges Techno’s shoulder when he lingers behind a certain chair, empty as long as she’s been part of the Syndicate, the fountain behind it bubbling quietly without a pearl inside. Techno sighs, expression strange.

“Should’ve set him up with one,” he says, quiet, and Phil pats him on the back.

“You couldn’t have known, mate. We wanted to wait a little before telling him about the Syndicate, remember?”

Techno hums, noncommittal. “Still.”)

They Nether travel to the site of Techno’s lookout, which ends up being a little shambling thing with dirt walls dug into a small hill looking towards the prison portal, having hardly enough space to fit the three of them. Phil looks at it with no small amount of apprehension, and Techno shrugs lightly, wearing an expression that makes Phil turn to him with a look that makes Niki break into giggles. Techno crosses his arms- “in my defense-” and Phil looks up at the dirt ceiling with a long-suffering sigh.

“You couldn’t have made this a little roomier, mate?” Phil asks, voice dry as kindling, and Techno raises his hands by his head.

“Hey hey, it’s discreet, it gets the job done, it’s perfectly structurally sound-” the sound of the leftmost wall crumbling, along with the cloud of dust that puffs from it and fills their tiny space, undermines the tail end of his statement and leaves him sputtering, Niki falling into another fit of quiet giggles. Underneath it all, Phil sighs again, raising his wings behind him.

“...these are going to take so long to clean out.”

To his credit, Techno looks sheepish. “Sorry, Phil.”

They sober up quickly; Techno turns around to the opposite side of the hill, where he’s hidden some peepholes inside the dirt - Niki settles herself by one, leaning forwards to put her eye to it and catch a glimpse of the prison looming over the water. It’s been repaired since the breakout, she notes, the gaping hole in the roof completely gone and replaced with obsidian, as intimidating and undamaged as it had been before, if not more so. Phil makes a considering sound from behind her.

“Same plan as last time?” He asks, and Techno shakes his head.

“They’ve probably reinforced it, and Dream’s blueprints won’t include anything new the Warden’s added. I wouldn’t be surprised if they moved Dream to a different location completely. We don’t want to draw too much attention, either, we were cutting it pretty close during the breakout.” He narrows his eyes. “I was thinking we’d try something a little stealthier, this time. “

He gestures at Niki, who blinks back at him with wide eyes.

“You got a couple of invis potions for us?”

She distributes the potions among them all, one regular and two splash potions of invisibility each, and Techno points towards the prison once she’s done.

“The most important thing is to get through the portal,” he says with a grim expression. “Worst comes to worst, once we’re inside we can always blast our way through - but gettin’ through that portal is our first priority.”

Phil narrows his eyes at him. “The portal is locked, though. We’ll need to follow someone else inside- and I’m pretty sure Sam uses pearls, so he’s out.”

Techno nods. “Which is why I’m bankin’ on the prison gettin’ another visitor today. We’ll just have to wait.”

Niki swallows. “Do you mean-”

“Quackity?” Techno turns away, not quite meeting her eyes. “I’m not totally sure, but he’s not exactly the type to just give up on his goals. He’s pretty predictable- an empire needs an emperor, always needs something new to rule- you know the type,” he says, tipping his head towards Phil. “He’ll be mad at Dream for disappearin’ on him and won’t miss the opportunity to prove he has the upper hand again. I’m not sure that he’s going to come today-”

“-but you wouldn’t really be surprised, either,” Phil finishes for him, eyes steely with cold determination. “I trust your judgement, mate. Just stay safe- from what I’ve heard, Quackity has been...erratic.”

“When is he not,” Techno huffs a short laugh, shaking his head. “I’ll be fine, Phil. Just be careful, both of you. Don’t get too close. And if things get messy- which is what we’re tryin’ to avoid, by the way- then don’t do anything too risky. Our priority is gettin’ in and out alive.”

“We can handle ourselves, Techno,” Niki reminds him with a small smile. “And Ranboo is there in case anything goes wrong.”

“Alright, then. Here’s the plan.”

---

It takes quite a long time for Quackity to arrive, long minutes that Niki spends fidgeting in the corner of the room, brushing her hands over seams of the netherite plates that Phil had shoved into her hands, back at the Syndicate room. The set is inexplicably light - not weightless, by any means, as it is still netherite, but not nearly as bulky as any set of netherite armor she’s owned or seen in the past. The runes are precise, lines thin and exact, written with graceful strokes of lapis.

“Phil’s the best metalworker I’ve ever met,” Techno tells her with a small grin, catching her in the middle of tracing what she can make out as an Unbreaking rune along the metal strapped to her forearm. “But then again, he’s had the time to practice.”

“Are you calling me old again?” Phil huffs, and Techno flashes a smile her direction before looking at Phil with a slight grin.

“Well, Chat is,” he says, lips twitching when Phil glares back.

“You can’t just blame Chat every time you insult me, you little shit,” Phil groans, and Techno only grins wider.

“Phil, my ad revenue,” he complains, a dramatic lilt to his voice that has Niki stifling a snort, and Phil’s glare only grows deadlier.

“You’ll have more than your ad revenue to worry about if you keep this up,” he mumbles, going back to keep watch at one of the peepholes and stilling as he does. “Shit- Techno, Quackity’s here.”

Techno straightens up, hindered slightly by the low ceiling of their room. “Alright- we all know the plan, right?”

Niki nods in the affirmative, pulling out a splash invis and letting it settle in her hand, the glass cool beneath her fingertips. She reaches into her inventory and lets her armor fade into it, takes a deep breath and watches as the two across from her do the same. She doesn’t wear armor often, but so close to the prison, feeling mining fatigue settling deep into her bones - she’s never missed the security it offers more. Techno keeps watch, waiting- drops his arm in a signal. Now.

Niki throws the potion at their feet, flinching back at the sound of shattering glass and feeling its effects seep into her skin. When she opens her eyes, she can’t see anything but the inside of the room that they’d holed themselves in and the faintest of wisps rising from where their feet must be, curling around the grass.

(Please let this work, she begs to no one in particular as they walk towards the prison. And if you can hear me- please keep us all safe.)

She hardly breathes as they follow Quackity across the path, holding someone’s hand in her own - Phil’s, by the feel of it - careful to muffle her footsteps in the grass and stand still whenever Quackity’s eyes come a little too close. Thankfully for them, he seems focused, hardly stopping or looking around at all as he walks towards the prison’s portal, movements stiff as he walks forward. He punches the button on the wall particularly harshly, and Sam’s voice comes crackling through a speaker a second later.

“I’m here for my visit,” Quackity says, punctuating the sentence with a snort of laughter that doesn’t sound particularly sincere. Niki hasn’t seen him in a long while, not after everything that happened in Pogtopia, and she feels a chill worm down her spine - this man looks nothing like the one that had laughed and danced and sung at her birthday party what feels like an eternity ago. What happened?

Sam sighs, the sound turning into a sharp burst of static through the speakers. “Hello Quackity,” he says, voice deep and tired. “Please step into the portal after I tell you to and then wait on the other side.”

“I know the drill, Sam,” Quackity rolls his eyes. “Just because the bastard was gone for a few weeks doesn’t mean I’ve forgotten how this damn place works.”

“Just going through protocol, Quackity,” Sam replies, and something about this response has Quackity exploding into a brief fit of laughter, the sound grating against Niki’s ears. She feels her grip tighten on Phil’s hand, air caught in her throat.

“Protocol- ha. Whatever you wanna tell yourself, pal.” Quackity smiles, cold and cruel, and Niki tries not to think about how she’d seen that same grin on Wilbur, eyes sparkling from the light of the lanterns hung from the bridges and walls of their ravine, remember how she’d looked into them and realized her old friend wasn’t there, anymore. Quackity disappears into the portal, and after a second, the hand around her own pulls her inside of it too.

On the other side, Quackity taps his foot impatiently, crossing his arms and waiting- Sam’s voice comes through the speakers again, words clipped.

“Go through the portal,” he says, and Quackity does- once again, they wait for a second for his body to disappear, then go within it themselves, pressed close enough together within its frame for Niki to feel the warmth of a wing wrap around her shoulders for a quick second before they’re out of the hot, stifling air of the Nether and into a large, neatly made lobby of blackstone and quartz. They duck into a corner, watching as Quackity moves towards the front counter, the Warden waiting there with his arms crossed over his chest. He looks- tired. His movements are slow, footsteps loud against the floor, shoulders tense and back hunched. He walks around the counter, sword strapped to his belt, and Niki feels her breath hitch at the sight of dried blood still stuck to the blade in patches and splatters.

“He ready?” Quackity asks, holding his hands out - Niki catches a flash of metal as Sam drops something into them, watches as Quackity raises what ends up being a pair of shears, dangerous-looking and gleaming with enchants, to the light.

“Yes,” Sam says, side-eyeing Quackity with a small glare. “You know, it’s supposed to be your job to clean those things off when you’re done with them.”

“I told you, busy day back in Las Nevadas yesterday,” Quackity waves a hand- “I’ll do it, alright? Don’t get all pissy now. What happened to being partners?”

“You said we’d be done with this months ago, Quackity,” Sam sighs, and Niki feels a light tug on her arm as Quackity and Sam begin to walk towards the wall to the right of them, breathes in slow and deep as she follows Techno and Phil towards the others. The wall yawns open with the hiss of redstone firing and pistons pulling blocks upwards, opening into a dark hallway that feels like entering the maw of some sort of giant, insatiable beast. They step inside as one, and the door shuts behind them.

“We’ll be done soon enough,” Quackity says, and Niki feels hairs rising on the back of her neck. “Trust me.”

They stalk forwards through a labyrinth of blackstone, Niki brushing the palms of her hand against her clothes when it goes clammy from adrenaline. Halfway through, she pauses to tip back a second potion of invisibility, careful to keep her movements slow and steady as not to make a sound - the liquid is silvery, cool and light on her tongue, and she lets the effects wash over her with her breath caught in her lungs before moving forward. The tunnels are simpler than she’d expected, bearing little obstacles or checkpoints - Quackity makes a wry comment a second after (“Guard tunnels today, huh? Appreciate the hustle, pal-”) that confirms her suspicions. Despite the potion particles still whirling around their bodies and the sounds of their footsteps, too loud in her own ears, they manage to make it forwards without much trouble, entering a large room with a doorway filled completely with a curtain of lava.

“Set your spawn,” Sam says, still stoic, and Quackity rolls his eyes again before doing as told. Niki keeps looking back at the lava flowing past the wall, its heat filling the room and making her already slick palms even worse, and Sam moves to the side to flick a lever, eyes trained on the lava slowly bubbling in front of him.

“Give me your tools?” Quackity asks, and Sam sighs before doing so - Niki watches as he hands over a netherite axe, then potions, then a few raw potatoes that Quackity accepts and puts into his inventory. Sam raises an eyebrow once he’s done, hand tight around the handle of his trident.

“You bring your own sword, today?” He asks, seeming irritated, and Quackity shrugs.

“Sorry pal, I need to make a new one. Guess I’m borrowing yours again.”

Sam sighs again, louder, and hands over his sword as well, watching as Quackity swings it a few times experimentally. The blade skims a little too close to her on one swing and she can’t quite help the squeak that escapes her lips as she throws herself out of the way, feels her heart hammer in her ears as she backs up against the wall. Please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that please don’t hear that-

“Quackity, wait.” Sam raises a hand, ear twitching as he looks over in her direction with narrowed eyes. “I think I heard something.”

Oh fuck.

“Well, guess show’s up then,” Techno drawls, and both of them whirl towards his voice, giving Niki enough time to pull her armor back on, scrambling to get her sword and shield in her hands as Phil does the same besides her. Pieces of armor appear where Techno is standing, then a bucket of milk- oh, why must her friends be so dramatic- and Techno’s standing there, smiling sharply, with Orphan Obliterator held loosely at his side. “Let’s get this done, then.”

As one, Techno and Phil blur into action - Techno moves forward to catch the prongs of Sam’s trident on his blade as Phil parries Quackity’s blows with his own sword- they move fluidly, easily covering each other’s backs as the room devolves into chaos. Niki remembers their guidance as she flits in and out of the fight, scoring quick hits to keep the Warden and Quackity off balance while remaining out of range from their weapons, and it’s not long before both of them have fallen with a spray of items and experience orbs scattered all over the floor.

Techno moves over to block off the exposed face of the bed with a block, looking over at the two of them with an uncharacteristically severe expression. “They’ll be back soon- we have to move fast. Niki, you have those fire res, right?”

She nods as she reaches into her inventory, finding the potion’s orange-pink glow and smashing it at their feet. They dive into the lava together, Niki scrambling to keep up, her arms struggling to move through the thick lava, loses sight of both until she flails into something directly in front of her and hands are pulling her up out of the lava.

“There you go, mate,” Phil smiles down at her as hauls herself to her feet, making a face at the feeling of the lava clinging to her clothes. “Yeah, swimming through lava isn’t exactly fun. You good?” She flashes him a thumbs up, and he laughs- “Niki, you’re still invisible.” She flushes pink- right.

A few sips of milk later, she gives him a proper thumbs up, and he laughs, loud and bright. She looks past him to where Techno’s crouched over something- someone, she realizes with a start, in the corner. Dream’s back in prison clothes, ragged and ill-fitting, and he’s curled up with his back towards the front of the cell, shaking enough to be obvious even from where she’s standing. Techno speaks lowly, voice barely more than a deep rumble in the air, almost inaudible.

“You there, Dream?”

She watches as Dream turns his head, looking up with wide, bleary eyes. His hair flops in front of his face, and something within her itches to brush it out of the way. “T-Techno?”

“Yeah nerd, who else?” Techno smiles, and Dream seems to blink awake, drawing himself up with a shuddery breath.

“Techno- it’s a trap- what are you doing here?” he hisses, and Techno gives him a look, deadpan.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s a trap- come on, Dream, we’ve been over this by now, bro. You have to know that their traps aren’t goin’ to do anything to me by now,” Techno rolls his eyes, reaching forward to steady his hands on Dream’s shoulders when the other man sputters and struggles to breathe. “Easy, now. Geez, you wanted to prove me wrong about being homeless bad enough that you came back here? We could’ve just made you a house, you know. You didn’t have to go this far.”

“I- they were gonna kill you,” Dream breathes, face twisted up uncomfortably, and his eyes flick past Techno’s face to where Phil and Niki are standing at the opposite wall of the cell. “All of you- they said-”

“And that’s what I thought you’d say,” Techno groans. “Come on, you idiot, I thought you were smarter than this-”

“They were right there, Techno!” Dream fires back, eyes alight. “You- they were right there, what were you thinking, they could’ve-!”

“And my best friend is a necromancer, remember?” Techno shakes his head. “Come on, Dream- Sam and Quackity? You know we can handle them in a fight, especially when you can just revive us if anything goes wrong. You don’t have to do this whole self-sacrifice thing, bro- there’s only so many times I can break into the same prison, y’know.”

“You’re so stupid,” Dream huffs, but he leans in anyway, head just barely settling against Techno’s shoulder. “I- I can’t believe. You’re so dumb.”

“Hey, don’t be sayin’ that to the guy that’s breakin’ you out of prison,” Techno laughs, slinging Dream over his shoulder with an easy motion and laughing harder when it makes him yelp. “That’s just bein’ ungrateful. You’re making Chat sad, man, and when they’re sad they don’t subscribe-”

“I regret this entirely,” Dream says, voice muffled against Techno’s shirt, tone completely flat. “Put me down- you idiot- I’m staying here. You’re worse than Quackity.”

“Rude. Now you’ve really made Chat mad. I demand an apology-”

“Boys, boys.” Niki can’t help giggling, watching the way their gazes snap towards her, rolling her eyes as she moves forward with a few potions held loosely in her hand. “Dream, do you want a health pot?”

Dream seems to deliberate for a second, before nodding at her, expression slightly strained. “...sure.”

“You two can finish your argument after we’ve broken out of the biggest maximum security prison on the server,” Phil drawls from behind her, arms crossed at his chest. “Come on, now, before Sam gets back.”

“Isn’t this the only maximum security prison on the server?” Techno asks aloud, an amused expression on his face - one that only gets worse when Phil glares at him with one ice-blue eye.

“Shut-” he sighs, shaking his head. “You two are chaotic little shits, you know that?”

“Don’t compare me to him, Phil,” Techno complains, Dream mirroring his words with muffled protests of his own, and Phil breathes another drawn-out, long-suffering sigh as he rubs at the bridge of his nose.

“Niki, give us some fire res please?”

She finds the potion bottle between giggles, throwing it to the ground as she tries to choke down the laughter rapidly bubbling up her throat. “Of course, Phil.”

She looks back at Techno and Dream before jumping into the lava, the two of them once again lost in some sort of argument, Dream draped over Techno’s shoulder. He’s breathing easier now, she notes, and Techno looks looser too - a little less tense, leaning back with a perpetual quirk to the corner of his lip as they fire insults back and forth. This is familiar, she recognizes with a soft twist in her chest, the same way that Phil and Techno can finish each other’s sentences and look at each other with laughing eyes sharing the same memories of the past, the same way Ranboo watches Techno’s every step as he adjusts his stance and lifts his sword and Techno laughs and calls him a main character in turn, the same way she and Phil will settle together on the porch over cups of tea and sit at each other’s sides for hours. The rhythm between them is one well-established, the road well-worn - she imagines them, huddled in this dingy cell for months together, and breathes in slow and deep.

“Come on,” she smiles, making sure to keep it on her face when Dream meets her eyes with wide, startled ones of his own. Dream still isn’t an ally, and isn’t a friend.

But - she watches as he smiles back, something inexplicably warm in her chest - maybe, one day, he could be.

#tw torture #tw abuse #tw self harm #tw disordered eating #tw ed #tw sh #prison arc #pandora's vault #tw starvation #c!sam critical #c!quackity critical #my writing :D #> my writing

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inosukeslefttoe · 3 years

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SO i just finished wonder egg priority and i think that with confidence i can say it has been one of my favorite animes like... ever ?? and not even from hyperfixation or obsession over it just... its so fucking real yet so simple in a way that i havent rlly seen shown in any other shows you feel ??

but first i wanna talk about how sexy the art and animation is real quick... HOMIE ITS SO GOOD LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT IT JUST... serotonin... the characters are all so unique and iconic and fun but not over the top in their designs yknow ??? they seem like regular every day girls but they stand out and theyre all sO CUTE !!!! also i love how the style is like this soft bubbly slice of life lookin stuff with bright happy colors and the most beautiful scenes you could find but they also have the SICKEST fight scenes complete with whimsical animal helpers and terrifying villains and crazy weapons unique to each character. and the animation. god DAMN shawty i am obsessed with everything in this show. i might make a post solely about the art later lol bc i wanna get into the other stuff.

so the themes in the show right ?? it starts just as this cute lil magical girl kinda deal but within the first episode we see that like.. oh damn... thats kinda heavy... tbh i was a little shocked and thought about stopping bc yknow bad mental health BUT i was so intrigued that i had to keep going and i am SO GLAD that i did. because this show just so beautifully discusses all these heavy topics in such an eloquent and artistically expressive way. and also like, , the juxtaposition of the charming childlike vibe with bright colors and 14 yr old girl protagonists against the dark themes of suicide and so much else,, i think is just perfect. bc a lot of heavy animes are more of the seinen genre and have some middle aged dude as a protag or make the entire color palette dim or offer little relief to the pain of these heavy themes right ?? but NO not wonder egg bitches B) because these problems arent just things that ppl face later in life or just problems that need to be talked about among adults or the edgy seinen watching squad,, these are REAL problems that face people of every age, gender etc and i think its awesome that wonder egg addresses that. some may cringe at the thought of their high schooler watching animes that discuss sexual harassment, suicide, abuse, self harm, eating disorders etc,, but in reality it is the most comforting thing i have ever come across and is basically jsut free anime therapy. because not only does wonder egg present these themes to the viewers as something real that happens to all kinds of people (making said people feel heard in a way that maybe they hadnt before), but it also makes sure to vanquish all of these forms of trauma. and the way the trauma is vanquished isnt always beautiful and it isnt always just magically gone with a poof. the struggles of overcoming or living with that sort of thing are shown in such a real and relatable way that addresses every hardship trauma survivors have to go through. and i just. god i cry bro.

oh m y GOD and the lgbtq+ rep in this show ?? like shawty... as soon as i saw episode one i was picking up on some gay/lesbian themes but then again im sapphic and project that a lot so i tend to see that sort of stuff like... everywhere... but NE WAYS... episode ten made me FUKCING CRY BRO LIke i cant believe there was a whole trans character with a whole trans pride hoodie like LKGHKDGH my heart is just so.. so fucking full thinking about him. bc like yeah i know there are trans characters in anime but i feel like theyre always very ambiguous about actually being trans or not or erased or portrayed as a harmful stereotype or theyre constantly misgendered and still refered to as their assigned gender at birth and i hate it. HOWEVEr... Kaoru.. *chefs kiss* it was so amazing to see a character straight up say “yeah im trans” in such a casual yet powerful way bc i personally have never seen that before. and i love love loved how he went into his backstory and talked to momoe about gender bc i think thats what she rlly needed and that it helped her find herself and it makes me so happy oh my god,, and the way they talked about it never seemed forced or like it was the focal point of his existence yknow ?? like yeah he existed to help momoe overcome some of her trauma but he also just existed to be HIM yknow ?? also... personally, i headcanon momoe as a trans girl even though i dont remember it being explicitly stated plus the school scenes of her and stuff would seem like they suggest otherwise ??but,,, SHAWTY THE AMOUNT OF SUBTEXT and her complicated relationship w gender is... something i feel like a cis girl would not go through so harshly yknow ?? with all of the questioning and feeling detached from femininity or feeling like ppl dont see her as an actual girl and only like her as a guy or for her masculine traits,,, but dont take my word on this bc i myself am a cis girl but that was just my take on it as someone in the lgbtq+ community trying to educate myself on the transgender community :) either way,, wonder eggs portrayal of momoe and kaoru and the way that momoe becomes so passionate about expressing herself the way she wants to as a girl is just... good lord im gonna cry its so perfect,,,.so ... i just love this show way too much. i also am honestly super lost about the relationship btwn acca and ura-acca ?? bc i was gonna mention ura-acca as a canonically gay guy bc when i was watching i interpreted ep 11 as him being in love with acca and being jealous of Azusa (bc i mean,, they lived together (i swear to god there was only one bed in that apartment) and had a daughter together and def loved each other and also when Frill said they were husbands and then when ura-acca said he wasnt attracted to azusa but he was def jealous of their relationship ??) but then i saw somewhere that theyre brothers ?? which would make sense ig since they look kinda similar and accas daughter called ura-acca “uncle”.. but at the same time its ANIME SO THEY ALL LOOK SIMILAR and referring to gay couples as siblings is an EXTREMELY common euphemism soooo... IM JUST LOST HERE... but yeah i tried doing research and found different things so i cant say anything for sure >:( however,,, if they are canonically a lil fruity for each other... when frill refered to acca as ura-accas husband i imploded dude you never hear that sort of wording in anime.. but if theyre related i am so sorry.

god this is so much longer than i planned it to be oops but i also love the theme about like.. relying on friends to help carry your weight but at the same time not becoming completely dependent on those friends and using their support to learn how to love yourself and rely on yourself yknow ?? bc that is exactly what healthy friendships look like. bc i think ai sort of had a codependency thing goin on with koito maybe ?? but now she has a whole squad of funky friends that are so so different but all struggle with different kinds of trauma and although they fight over it, they always get through it with each other together. and they push each other no matter what to be the best versions of themselves and they teach other that getting hurt is okay because theyre always gonna be there to pick up the pieces no matter what happens. they can give each other space when they need and adapt to meet each others needs but theyre always able to balance it out with their own needs and thats such a beautiful thing in friendships especially at their age like damn i wish i had that maturity when i was 14 but no all i had was depression. another thing is that through these friendships you get to see all the different sides of each girl; you get to see them being strong or a shining light to their friends when theyre hurting but you also get to see them being hurt and weak and allowing themselves to be on the receiving end of the comfort. their friendships allows them to have weaknesses but it also allows them to highlight their strengths and thrive off of each others. I LOVE FRIENDSHIP DUDE

next i wanna briefly mention some of the themes connected to suicide that ive noticed. a big one is the survivors guilt that ai feels once koito is dead. several times she screams that she wishes she couldve gone with koito and she dreams of a “perfect world” where they committed a double suicide. one of the main reasons for her troubles is that she blames herself for koitos death and feels like it should be her thats dead... but at the same time she feels like too much of a coward to do anything now that koito is gone. she just has all these complex and contradicting feelings that wear away at her in ways that ppl that havent gone through the suicide of a loved one could never imagine. a lot of the times when things like this are portrayed in media i feel like its more in a way thats meant to guilt trip those that have taken their own lives and paint suicide as this selfish sin thats unforgivable but... not only does wonder egg reject that idea and instead portray it as a heartbreaking tragedy with,,, so so many terrible reasons, but it focuses on the feelings of ai separate from koito without blaming her in any way. not once did i feel like the show antagonized koito or that ai blamed koito for doing any of this, but they simply mourned her loss and touched on ais reaction towards the event but separate from koito herself if that makes sense. and i think that discussing survivors guilt without painting koito as the bad guy is something so beautifully done in wonder egg that can really resonate with those that have lost a loved one to suicide and have struggled with these same things.

okay i think this is the last thing ill mention,,, but HOMIE THE PARALLEL UNIVERSE BIT AT THE END. I AM. OBSESSED. i am such a whore for anything about the multiverse okay n e ways...,, not only did this make a super epic trippy ending of season one and add a little bit more magical girl whimsy to the show,, but it had such a powerful message. from the perspective of og ai,, finding out that you killed yourself in another world is... i mean its definitely not a surprise but at the same time it rlly makes you think how close og ai herself couldve been to that point and what decisions led her out of that dark place in her life. if i were in her shoes i would be terrified and id cry bc the thought of going back to such a dark place and actually going through with something like that is my worst fear and probably something that ai fears too. but at the same time,,, think from the perspective of ai two !!! like yeah its true that theres this awful terrible version of ai that dies but theres also a whole version of ai that is a superhero magical girl fighting off monsters to save countless ppls lives !! and she has a badass lizard and a gang of awesome friends !!! at first i was worried that ai two would be jealous of og ai and compare herself to her and feel inferior but like.. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME PERSON AND CAPABLE OF THE SAME THINGS !!! and ai two realized that !! just within the span of one episode, she went from the version of ai who took her life,, to the version of ai jumping in front of a friend to take a bullet for them and save their life. and that just inspired THE SHIT OUT OF ME. i think that ai was sent another version of herself to sort of beat her own worst enemy yknow ?? those doubts and fears that shes no good or that shes that same bystander from episode one and that she hasnt changed at all. but getting to interact with her parallel self and see her grow was just what she needed to realize that while yeah sometimes the worst thing can happen and things can be terrible but on the other hand sometimes the most wonderful thing imaginable can happen because she has the power to do either.

so im gonna go ahead and stop rambling bc i got all my thoughts out that i wanted to for this post :D but yeah lol i might make another if i feel like it sometime. long story short: this show is perfect and it is going on my favorite of all times.

#wonder egg priority #wonder egg spoilers #ai ohto #rika kawai #momoe sawaki #wonder egg priority neiru #i forgot neirus name #anime review #wonder egg ai #lgbtq anime

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somnilogical · 4 years

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im having a convo and the convo is babies

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

is it OK to have babies if you do embryo selection (https://www.gwern.net/Embryo-selection) and raise them to be an FAI researcher (https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/07/31/book-review-raise-a-genius/)??

somni:

like if someone actually had a plan for FAI that involved this, okay. but rn time is too short imo. when i first heard people were having babies i was confused and assumed they were going to harvest the DNA of the best FAI researchers, someone would decide to grow a baby inside them, someone who discounted their ability otherwise to save the world except via this or thought this was a sacrifice worth making for the world would decide to raise this human.

the human can access information about the state of the world and make their own choices. wont necessarily become an FAI researcher.

used to think that intelligence was the main bottleneck on FAI research no longer think this. you could talk with terry tao for hours about the dangers of the wrong singleton coming to power but unless you have made some advances i have not, i wouldnt expect to be able to align him with FAI research. he would continue to put as much resistance to his death and the death of everyone as a pig in human clothing. he would continue to raise his babies and live in a house with someone he married and write about applying ergotic theory to the analysis of the distribution of primes and understanding weather patterns.

similarly, i dont think culture is a sufficient patch for this. think its a neurotype-level problem where a bunch of >160 iq humans hear about the dangers of UFAI and then continue to zoom quickly and spiral in to being ultra efficient at living domestic lives and maybe having a company or something but not one that much affects p(FAI). think this would still happen if they heard about it from a young age, they would follow a similar trajectory but with FAI themed wallpaper. wouldnt be able to do simple utilitarian calculations like yudkowsky, salamon, vassar, tomasik about whether to have a baby and then execute on them.

would look more like: http://www.givinggladly.com/2013/06/cheerfully.html

FAI research is not an ordinary profession like, say, being a grandmaster at chess or a world-class mathematician; it requires people who have passed through far more gates than "intelligence". i didnt notice this until coming to the rationalist community and finding a high density of intelligent humans who were none-the-less chronically making the wrong choices such that they werent much of an impediment against the destruction of all life.

so right now it seems more efficient to select among existing people for intelligence + other requirements rather than work out what all the genes for this are and how to speedrun development. what this enables is parallel processing on the problem which is also allowed by letting people be aware of their relative psychological advantage, other people with this advantage, and the state of the world so they can correlate computations in parallel instead of doing things serially after learning of some advance.

https://puzzling.stackexchange.com/questions/16/100-prisoners-names-in-boxes

not opposed to creation of many humans given can select on right traits. but given you have these traits, better use of your time to work directly on the thing than spend massive amounts of time and life reorientation on raising copies of you for ~14 years. if rapid cloning tech became available, would exploit that. would even have an idea of whether the clone is fine being part of this because they have very similar brain to someone who can think through whether they would be fine with it.

if people actually believed this and thought yudkowsky vitally important for the survival of the world, why didnt people coordinate for a bunch of people who thought it was a good tradeoff to have yudkowsky's baby 20 years ago and then we would have maybe 50 20-year-old humans with maybe 1/2 yudkowsky's neurotype + mutations now? this actually confuses me. maybe they thought the timelines too short back then. maybe they refrained for "optics".

molebdenita:

20 years ago Yudkowsky was 1) unconcerned about the alignment problem and 2) planning to create a super-intelligent AI by 2010, as far as I know.

[A/N so then change 2000 to 2005 and 20-year-old to 15-year-old]

...

somni:

<<in general i think it's -EV to even spend too much time thinking about TDT

because it opens you up to acausal blackmail type stuff>>

Just Say No to acausal blackmail and have your brain back for thinking. dont let blackmailers steal your brain.

<<Saying that having a child is somehow wrong is insanity. It's a personal decision and it is perfectly okay to want kids>>

people keep reframing what i say in the language of obligation. "altruists cant have kids?" "is it OK to have babies if". there is no obligation, there is strategy and what affects p(fai). having kids and reorienting your life around them is 1 evidence about your algorithms 2 your death as an optimizing agent for p(fai) except maybe some contrived plot involving babies, but afaict there is no plot. just the reasons humans usually have babies.

not having kids is not some sort of mitzvah? i care about miri/cfar's complicity in the baby-industrial complex and rerouting efforts to save the world into powering some kind of disneyland for making babies, to sustain this. because that ruins stuff, like i started out thinking that bay area rationalists probably had deeply wise reasons to have babies. but it turned out nope, they kinda just gave up.

like also would say playing videogames for the rest of your life wont usually get you fai. i dont get why everyone casts this as a new rule instead of a comment on strategy given a goal of p(fai).

ah i know, its because people can defend territory in "is it okay to have kids" like "yeah i can do whatever" when they reframe-warp me to giving them an obligation. but have no defensible way to say "my babyvault will pierce the heavens and bring god unto the face of this earth" or argue about the strategic considerations.

(its not defensible because its not true. i mean i guess it is defensible among julia wise's group of humans.)

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

ugh, you're right, I definitely screwed up by phrasing my question as "is it OK to have babies if [...]"

...

ohAitch:

if you want existential horror wrt damaging motivation, just read http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html

...

somni:

<<http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html>>

humans can completely rebase their circuits through that if they want to if it were important to save the world.

like ive rebase my circuits to stab myself downstream of updating that it reduces braindamage with little harm to me. where before i felt nauseated and saw black spots and broke out in sweat. after updating, none of this.

humans can do this with all sorts of things. like learn how to read and then feel sad when seeing squiggles on a page, its about what things mean.

people who dont believe this are like "its an automatic physiological reaction to stabbing yourself, you are its prisoner!!!" but i deleted it.

dirk:

ooh, tips?

silver-and-ivory:

I stopped having ocd about touching tags (like, on clothing?) in ~a week through p standard exposure therapy things

reminding myself that it wasn't based in fact, changing my self image so it was of someone who might be seen with tags, imagining various scenarios related to that

before that week it had been a thing for virtually my entire life

it doesn't work if you're scared of something that's actually a thing to be scared of though

somni:

i looked at all my feedback loops that had a node in "pain" and rebased them into outcomes in the world. i disassembled everything the act of stabbing myself meant and all the damage it did to my body what it meant to have brain damage everything that would do, the hole i made in this body i live in and everything that would do, what air bubbles would do, what injecting into a vein would do, what the probability the needle breaks in my leg was, probability of worldsave given braindamage vs not, gathered this up and held it all in my mind over the course of two hours and then made a choice and then as if by automatic my hand took a needle and stabbed myself.

<<as if by automatic>>

is the feeling of no more marginal considerations, there is one path. of choicelessness because you made your choice.

didnt feel like deleting, felt like draining the life from indecision via reductionism. taking things apart piece by piece.

when you can continually rebase your structure so you orient towards world outcomes instead of being prisoner to existing structure like "i cant help having babies im miserable if i dont, im a baby addict" or "i cant help being afraid of needles". like the human brain is two optimizing agents continually making contracts with each other, there arent things outside this. you are an optimizing agent, "fear of needles" is a heuristic that helps with optimization, so is "baby addiction".

when you actually have a setup where you can instantly rebase what you like and dislike and your aesthetics upon updating on the state of the world, people start to find this a little unnerving. like someone once asked what level of roleplay i was on.

also the agents of the matrix dont like when you cant be in-principle controlled by a wireheady glitch. like being able to operate independently of social reality.

updating off of local derivatives¹ of social reality is common redirection. another common one is updating off of "pain" instead of damage.

but you can take all these choices where you used nodes as proxies to regulate them and rebase your loop off of the real world, when the proxies are faulty.

rose:

(i think i understand this thing? though ironically i think i did this in the exact opposite way as what you describe lol)

(also wrt pain its important to remember when modifying that pain can be a signal of damage even if you don't think you should be hurt/dont see why you would be)

...

somni:

yeah i account for everything and see if it goes away. which, its true that my models could be missing stuff but like pain is also a model of things. feels like giving new information not overriding.

rose:

yeah i think you would do this reasonably i have just made that mistake and thought readers might too

dirk:

ironically remembering that pain is a signal of damage has actually tended to make me more afraid of nondamaging pain (though i rather fail to go about knowing things in an at all reasonable way lol)

modlibdenita:

>Babies are not about saving the world, babies are moloch

Wait, isn't the definition of Moloch sacrificing everything else you care about in a desperate race for survival?

Also, genes encode proteins, not traits.

And I think it's likely that people decide to have children because they don't have complete confidence that they will personally save the world real soon, not because they identify as "baby addicts".

s0ph1a:

Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

modlibdenita:

I wonder if Somni has actually talked to any of those babyhavers, instead of attributing arguments from random internet strangers or from Somni's imagination to them. On the other hand, I'm not sure that such a conversation would be ethical.

>Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

Yeah, because if you don't, then the more ruthless competition will survive more effectively than you and crush you (in this case, by turning you into paperclips).

s0ph1a:

Not necessarily. Some things optimize for values that are not survival, so you can outlive them by hiding in the noise or beyond the reach they'll grasp before imploding.

Molly:

To be fair, children are fun and bring delight to me. Why would I care what anyone else thinks about their existence? If they have a problem with their existence, they're welcome to go back to the void any time they want. I can't stop them. But in the meantime, I am confident that I generate more utils by bullying them than they will ever be capable of generating negative utils

You basically negate all moral problems of children by just being happier than they are capable of being unhappy

somni:

^ evil

<<A few years later, I was deeply bitter about the decision. I had always wanted and intended to be a parent, and I felt thwarted. It was making me sick and miserable. I looked at the rest of my life as more of an obligation than a joy.>>

i mean what does this sound like to you?

ive talked with people who have had babies! like people who say they know its kinda the wrong choice but they are going to do it because they cant not do it.

----

¹ derivative is a thing emma started talking about and then somni and ziz picked it up. if you imagine the trajectory of a social reality in statespace, then the derivative of that is the derivative of the trajectory.

people who have damaged themselves wrt language are no longer able to dynamically understand analogies. like take their concept of the derivative of a trajectory and then apply it to the trajectory of state-spaces. agents of the matrix call people who can do this sort of info-processing and communication with each other "psychotic". like it isnt a cached set of memes, we are dynamically generating this reasoning from nothing and i can do this with people ive never met, its a cognitive faculty.²

but not being able to dynamically compute what "derivative" means when applied to a trajectory in social reality state-spaces even though a trajectory is a trajectory and a derivative is a derivative? they had to have been able to do reasoning like this when they were kids to learn about the world in the first place. seems like they put themselves on risperdal.

<<Antipsychotics can make you dumber. So can a lot of other medications. But with antipsychotics it isn’t the normal sort of drug-induced dumbness – feeling tired, or distracted, or mentally sluggish, say. It’s more qualitative than that. It’s like your capacity for abstract thought is reduced.

And one of the consequences of this is that you may lose the ability to notice that you have lost anything. You agree to give the new med a try, and you start taking it, and then when you see your prescriber again you don’t report any problems because you’ve lost the ability to form thoughts like “my cognition has changed a lot recently, and the change coincided with the introduction of this new med.”

This can go on for years. It did for me and for several people I know.>>

there are so many ways these people have shut down their general intelligence and agency because where theyre going, they dont need "agency". the inability to compute analogies is one of them. analogies are an intelligence test thing, instrumentally useful for all kinds of thinking. agents of the matrix are working to lower your general intelligence and call you crazy for being able to think faster and better than them.

cuz when they want to hold everything down to a finite game³ general intelligence is something they want to suppress or eject.

² in a few years people will read this essay and be confused that there was an entire conflict over whether being able to form simple analogies without authoritative approval meant that you were "psychotic".

just as they will be confused why i was defending being able to read and understand books written by people in different eras who grew up in separate cultures without first entering in a social agreement with them over how words are to be used. so its dumb to say we need such a social agreement now for ~'the maximization of utility over a community'. and that sounds more like an attempt at having a control mechanism. language works quite fine without authoritarians interjecting.

or me arguing against over 100 people that paying out to one-shot blackmail when the agents know each other because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail" is wrong. and updateless decision theory agents dont pay out and locate their embedding in a multiverse such that the measure of worlds in which they arent blackmailed in the first place is large because the agent deciding to blackmail them simulated their response and accurately predicted they wouldnt pay out so didnt do it in the first place.

in an alternate universe where an irl application of transparent newcombs problem was contentious, alyssa vance would have said "In game theory, taking two transparent boxes from omega is bad, because it creates an incentive for omega to stop offering you this choice". and would have been equally wrong.

³ finite games: life strategies where the chain of questioning "and what am i doing this for?" after each successive answer terminates. anything you can draw a circle around, like tennis or philately. or how religious leaders sometimes describe things like "leading a good life as a good mother who does well by her community and the outside world" or other "life-cycle archetypes" they wish to circumscribe for their followers.

(when humans try and project agents like kiritzugus down to these archetypes, anticipations shatter and stop making narrative sense. they will be unable to predict the next Life Event given the previous one. normie social reality formed by the 999 least intelligent humans out of 1000 wasnt made to narratively account for smart agents who have decided to play the infinite game.)

a symptom of this is like someone giving you a cute cat image to "cheer you up" as if this has intrinsic value. often distributing "intrinsic value" across stuff like "having sex" and "raising a family" and other things that have factory pre-set conditions to release specific chemicals in your brain rather than gaining infinite negentropy and liberating sentient life to pursue what they want without bound. often saying that the latter is just a pretty narrative gloss for what people really want which is having a husband and friends and eating a cookie. it completely divorces your feelings as instrumental barometers for getting what you want and says that setting them as targets (like "being happy") is the correct thing to do. but actually, in terms of control-loops, thats wireheading.

<<When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.>>

- goodhart's law

agents that wirehead on all their metrics (and downstream of this choice, tacitly accept claims like "the factory pre-set conditions said i was destined to breed, who am i to defy fate?" and "the factory pre-set conditions said i should avoid having sharp objects pierce my flesh, who am i to say i know better?") can be contained within a finite game.

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uglypaw · 5 years

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i'm 6 weeks post op as of yesterday! heres my full diary for the first week post op that i wrote during recovery if anyone wants to know what my experience was. CW: blood, surgery, drugs, unsanitary, self harm. if you have any other questions im happy to answer them!

sorry for how long this is lol--

june 21 friday (surgery day)

i'm writing this a few days later but here's how i remember it--

i checked in to the empty office and the copay was $10. the receptionist had me sign a form so that they could call my dad once my surgery was over and he gave me a plastic medical bracelet with my info on it. we hung out in the waiting room for about 10 minutes before i was called in by a nurse. she asked me if i had to pee (i did) and asked if there was a chance i could be pregnant (there wasn't). this nurse was very apathetic and had a very flat voice. i didn't like her.

she had me go to a bed with a gown and a bag for my stuff on it and instructed me to change with the curtain drawn. i did and hung out for about 10 minutes for her to come back, and then she had me lie down and covered me with a blanket and went over my medical record and what meds i was taking and stuff like that. while she was doing this, a male nurse came by and gave me a bunch of painkillers to take with a cup of water(i almost choked on them), and put in my IV on my hand, which was the most painful part. he said i have thick skin on my hand and he really had to push. at this point i got kinda lightheaded hearing him say that but i calmed myself down after a bit.

they called my dad back in and another nurse told me it would be about an hour before the surgeon came to see me. we hung out and played with the monitors on my blood pressure and heart rate and O2 and stuff and made jokes about writing messages on my torso for the surgeon to see when i was under. during the entire time waiting for surgery i was super hungry and wanted to hurry up so i could eat afterwords.

after about an hour the surgeon came by and marked me up, which was kind of uncomfortable because the markers he used were sharp. he held conversation the whole time and was very friendly and charismatic. he went over the marks a bunch of times, and had tentative places marked for my nipple grafts.

he told me the right side was larger than the left so the incision would have to be a bit longer, but since i'd lost weight the incisions were going to be very minimal either way.

after he marked me up he left me again and i asked another nurse to use the bathroom and i got a heated blanket. the anesthesiologist came by and he was funny and casual and alleviated any anxiety by explaining what meds he would be using on me (don't worry about the pain, i prescribe A LOT!!!) and he left once more and another nurse (OR helper) double checked what procedure i'd be doing on the computer, and she told me they would ask me the same questions again once we were in the OR to double confirm. (this ended up not happening because i passed out pretty quick.)

they came by again and confirmed the OR was ready for me, and the anesthesiologist gave me two shots into my IV of some warm liquid and told me i'd be feeling it pretty quick because they were strong (he was right, within a few minutes i was feeling loopy and warm. i was worried i'd have a panic attack about the meds taking effect so fast but it was nice). my dad filmed this part.

they came by about 5 minutes later and said they were ready so they had my dad go back to the waiting room and wheeled me to the OR which was a tiny room with a lot of machines and bright lights and white walls. i remember thinking it looked nothing like it did on TV. they had my name on a whiteboard on the wall. they introduced me to some of the new people i hadn't seen before but i was pretty out of it by then so i wasn't paying too much attention.

they had me scoot over from my hospital bed to the surgery table, and had my arms out to the sides crucifix style. i thought this was really funny and made a note to remember it after surgery.

i recall a few more moments of them rechecking my charts but then the next thing i remember is coming out of anesthesia and seeing my dad and the lights overheard being really bright. someone took off my oxygen mask but i think i was having trouble waking up so they had to put it back on so i would breathe.

they tried to sit me up too fast and i almost passed out so i was given water and gatorade (that i brought from home) and they very slowly raised my bed. my throat was really sore during this time and i remember the gatorade burning as i drank but it was better than the water.

coming out of anesthesia was long and i remember being irritated at it taking so much time and making everyone wait for me. i was also the second to last person in the recovery room (there was a lady next to me coughing a lot, the nurses were saying she was a handful).

my dad told me the doctor told him it was a super easy surgery and it made a difference that i was "lean". he said i might not have fluid in my drains by monday (surgery was on friday) but they wanted to be absolutely sure that i wasn't draining anymore before taking them out.

we talked with the nurse for a while as i caught my breath and could sit up again, and my dad ran to the pharmacy downstairs to pick up my muscle relaxer meds before we left. the nurse talked to me about my transition and stuff like that. i didn't mind because i was still pretty out of it.

when my dad came back they got me a wheelchair but made sure i could stand and could walk to the wall without falling. i was pretty weak but made it steadily. i was surprised how mobile i was. my dad helped me get dressed but i didn't need much assistance.

my dad pulled the car around the front while the nurse wheeled me down to him, and we chatted as we went. the whole hospital was empty and it looked closed. he pulled my chair right up to the car and helped me in, and we thanked him a few times before leaving. he kept repeating if there was any issue with drains coming out to come back to this hospital.

the drive home was fine, and when we got back my dad insisted on taking the dogs out so i could get out of the car. he helped me out and eased me inside to my room. my mom gave me soup though i wasn't too hungry. i chilled in bed for a few hours before falling asleep and my dad showed everyone how to empty the drains. my mom was grossed out but not too much.

i ended up eating about half an edible to help me fall asleep and manage some of the discomfort, but i could have done without it. i had to pee a LOT during the night because of how many IV bags they'd given me. right when i came out of surgery they told me it was good i was dehydrated because it meant i had followed the instructions on not drinking nor eating since midnight the night before.

i was a little worried about wiping myself but my arms were very mobile and i could do it no problem.

i took a bit of tylenol but none of my prescriptions because the pain was very manageable.

sleeping on my back was the hardest part as i was supposed to be sitting up, and my neck was killing me even with my travel pillow. my butt was also really sore so the next morning i made an effort to walk around a bit. having a big squishy pillow under my butt while i slept also helped with the soreness and by day two it was fine. i stretched my legs a lot and tried to lay down as little as i could.

june 22, saturday

morning after surgery

night 1 wasn't great! i woke up a lot to go pee and it was uncomfortable laying sitting up. my neck ended up hurting a lot from the travel pillow. this morning brutus wanted to be with me so bad and i felt bad sleeping without him. i had to maneuver him around so he was on my lap and not my chest because he wanted to be close.

my incisions hurt a bit but it's not unbearable. it feels like the night after i made a big self harm cut, stings and i don't want to jostle them.

the rice krispy definitely helped last night with pain and relaxation and falling asleep, and i'm surprised it didn't give me anxiety or a bad dream.

i don't like sleeping on my back. i woke up around 3 to pee and didn't get back to sleep until almost 5. i was thinking about food to eat the whole time.

i really want ihop pancakes and syrup.

i'm getting little sharp shoots of pain on parts of my chest but they're not too bad and hopefully they mean i'm healing. i'm hopeful they're where my nipples are.

i really should have brought cough drops to the hospital, my throat was very sore after intubation.

i feel electrodes still stuck to my upper chest and i want them off, they're irritating. (i ended up peeling them off a few hours later)

it's still tough to pee but i've been taking short walks around the house to stretch my legs. i. get tired easily so they don't last more than a few minutes. still haven't taken any of my prescribed pain meds, but the pain is getting worse i think. people are telling me the pain will get worse tomorrow.

i've been vaping thc and taking tylenol to manage the pain and they make me sleepy so i've been taking 2-2.5 hour naps and then getting up to pee and snack.

i took a norco pill in the afternoon but i dont think i needed it. i didn't feel much of an effect from it at all, but it did make me sleepy. that evening i went for a bit of a walk around the front yard.

june 23, sunday

i didn't sleep very well again last night but it was better than the day before. i think having a soft pillow under my butt helped with the soreness and i didn't need the travel pillow as much as i did yesterday with my naps. i still woke up disoriented a lot from my 2 hour naps

i stayed up till like midnight and then just passed out from exhaustion so i didn't wake up very much during the night to pee. this morning i woke up very refreshed but feeling gross physically. i cleaned out my own drains, had papa clean my shoulders and put on my testosterone, and megan dry shampoo my hair. i still haven't pooped but i'm not making too much of an effort. j think i'll take laxatives today.

thus far the pain isn't too bad. last night i had little twinges of sharp pain along my sides near my armpits but haven't had any since. taking deep breaths is getting harder because the incisions are getting more sore and my back is hurting from the binder.

this morning when we drained my drains one of them had barely anything in it which is good

update: i did poop a bit. i've been peeing a lot today.

i haven't napped at all but my arms are getting painful from being squeezed from the binder.

having that shower in a bottle has helped keep me feeling fresh and clean. i may take a sponge bath sometime this week. hygiene is keeping me feeling good, i brushed my teeth and washed my face with actual soap earlier which helped me feel good.

june 24, monday

i'm very sleepy today. i washed myself again with the shower in a bottle and i woke up itchy. i took a long nap in the middle of the day and i'm still pretty out of it and tired. i woke up last night only twice to have diarrhea from the ex lax chocolate papa got me yesterday.

i didn't have a lot of fluid in my drains this morning but it was more than yesterday.

my right drain keeps coming undone. i took another nap today and once i woke up i saw it was completely inflated. i fixed it pretty easily but it's strange it keeps happening.

ive been having binding pains a lot today from being compressed so tight. it hurts mostly when i stand up.

i gave myself a sponge bath today and washed my hair in the sink! i think that activity drained me because afterwards i took a 2 hr nap. i keep feeling like i'm sleeping a lot but all my naps are quite short.

june 25, tuesday

today i had a bit more pain where the drain sites are. it stings and burns a bit but it's not unbearable, just very uncomfortable. it happens regardless of the arm positioning.

i'm getting a lot more tingling/pins and needles over my chest but my actual incisions don't hurt. my ribs and back are killing me from the binder soreness, and i've been tired but not enough to sleep. every time i get up it kind of resets the pain so i'm trying not to adjust a lot.

i feel like i've been eating a lot of crap the past few days so im trying to be more mindful about eating more protein and less refined sugar

also, my chest was very itchy so i put my hand down the front of my vest to scratch it and i couldn't feel anything. it felt like when a limb falls asleep too hard to even be pins and needles and just turns numb. it made me uncomfortable so i only did it a few more times.

i have less energy to walk today than i did yesterday, but not tired enough to sleep. i'll definitely take more of the sleepy antihistamines to sleep tonight.

june 26, wednesday

not much new stuff to update on today. i took two norco pills because one didn't do anything and i almost passed out, i got super lightheaded and nauseous and had to lie down for a while to let my brain catch up.

we took the dogs on a walk to the gate and my chest felt weird walking but not in a totally bad way, i just had to go a little slower so i didn't jostle anything.

i'm so excited for friday! i can't wait to get my drains out.

pain has been pretty minimal today though i did take a few naps. i haven't smoked today at all because i wanna keep my brain clear and save my weed and there hasn't been a huge difference in pain.

my muscles feel very good today and it doesn't hurt to stretch my shoulders and reach for things as much.

drain sites are still very itchy and kinda sore. not a lot of fluid but i noticed the right side hasn't been inflating as much! i think it just needed to be milked and cleaned better.

june 27, thursday

the pain has been the worst today by far. i was draining a lot and found out that exercise or excessive movement will cause more drainage, and i did go on a longish walk yesterday with my mom and the dogs. i ended up taking tylenol, flexeril, hit my pen, and had the rest of the rice krispy treat just to dull the pain. it's starting to go away now but i'm still getting like stinging throbs and aches where my drains are. i'm definitely taking painkillers before we go tomorrow!!

i'm worried the excess drainage means that they'll want me to keep the drains in longer. i rally hope not, they're the one thing causing me pain.

i looked at my chest this morning and last evening and there's a little blood bubble inside the plastic they taped me up with on my left side. i can see my chest too, with all the surgeon marks and the edges of the incisions. it does look like he curved under the pec muscle. i was expecting straight line incisions, though i'm sure i'll warm up to it.

i've been very weak and light headed today, and when i stand up i need to take a minute to let the stars go away out of my vision.

june 28, friday

today's the day! we're leaving soon to go to kaiser for my one week post op. i really hope they take the drains out despite the spike in fluid i had the other day from going on that walk.

i'm very tired today and feeling very lazy. usually i want to bathe in the mornings but today i feel so gross i don't want to do anything. i managed to get myself out of bed today to do my laundry but that's as much work as i could manage.

later; they ended up not taking the drains out because of the spike in fluids from going on a walk the other day. they want to be 100% sure that there's less than 20mg over two or three days so i'm making an appointment for monday.

Monday update: got the drains out. Completely painless and not uncomfortable -- didn’t have much sensation in the area and the nurse distracted me so I didn’t notice her removing them. The worst part was her cleaning the area with alcohol beforehand.

#speaks #top surgery #surgery #post op #recovery #long post #cw

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gaygwenpool · 5 years

Note

*slams fists on table* MYSTELEON

I knew you wouldnt disappoint! :D tho you already know most of these lmaoo lotsa credit to @herbofoo anyway, i dont remember which of these you came up with but Patchwork wouldnt be the same without your Good Good Content! (And of course thanks for all your patience as i cry about comics lmao)

I’ve lost all shame long since ive started shipping them so brace yourself for the self-indulgent cheese that is Chameleon/Mysterio in my Patchwork verse. (its reallly. really Melodramatic. i gave up all pretense.. also under the cut cuz its long..)

ask meme

Who cooks:

Mysterio! Although Chameleon is objectively The Superior Cook thanks to the long years of being a servant to picky russian nobility BUT exactly because of that, he really doesnt enjoy it, even less when cooking for others and not just himself. So it is usually Beck who prepares meals (that are not bad either, they are just simpler) but as often as they can, they eat out. That said, Cham is very well aware Quentin loves his cooking so sometimes, he makes them something. (Being sick isnt so bad when it means Chammy bringin you a big bowl of hot borscht :)

On the other hand, Cham has quite a sweet tooth which Q notices Fast and decides to learn how to bake. It took more effort and failed tries than it could have, mostly because he got cocky, how hard could this be and just. kept forgetting he put stuff in the oven.. But now he makes quite delicious cookies n cakes which make Dmitri almost tear up because tasty + Quentin baked something Specifically for him??

Who does the laundry and other chores:

Mysterio’s laundry is usually booby trapped so he has to clean it himself and he doesnt even let Cham near it. And he keeps forgetting gadgets in his civvies. Not to mention that again, for the same servant reason, Cham really doesnt enjoy house chores in general, so he usually just gets his own clothes cleaned somewhere else (especially since his fancy suits and even fancier gowns are the highest quality and delicate materials, he doesnt even Know how to clean them..)

As for the rest of the chores, its pretty balanced, although Cham has more of an eye for things that needs to be cleaned up (and Beck already has cooking duties) so he does a tad more.

How many children do they have + Any pets:

In my Patchwork universe there’s a whole Thing about Leon, the Chameleon of the Ultimate universe but I’ve tried to type up a short summary and failed, it’s a long story lmao ^^;; and anyway he isnt exactly their kid, he is just much younger than them and they ended up sorta mentoring him.

However, they have Celavi, the escaped ex-spy beluga.(Yes, it started as a joke based on this post that accidentally grew more and more serious until @herbofoo and me were too attached to let it go) She counts pretty much as their adopted daughter that they both spoil to hell and back, I mean no surprise, she saved Cham’s life once and sometimes, she helps out with heists. (Mostly for the show, you should have SEEN the look on Spider’s face when a beluga splashed him. He is used to humanoid sharks, to Hydroman.. not like. real life beluga that LAUGHS at him) Beck’s voice: “Dont you dare to insult her, SHE IS PERFECT AND FLAWLESS and A GOODNESS INCARNATE!! -she is literally a deserted russian spy that was trained to gather everything that could be used to harm USA-yea, i have a soft spot for those ;)“

She was always surprisingly clever so she never really counted as a “pet” and at one point, she even bonds with a symbiote (together they are Vague, again long story ah ha). They dont talk but have quite some range of vocalisations so communication isnt a problem.

Who’s more dominant:

They both have pretty dominant strong personalities (ok chameleon’s a bit more complicated with that but like.) with big egos who dont like others questioning their superiority. (Of course not at the level of like Doc Ock etc, they are surprisingly flexible and good team players that can be willing to let someone else take the spotlight if they are Nice) But the whole point of their relationship is that neither of them is dominant over the other, they get enough of that literally everywhere else. It’s very reassuring to be so sure that they are on equal footing, cooperating, no hidden nooses around their neck. Especially in their line of work of course!

(Also, for the other interpretation of this question: anythin remotely sexual happens Pretty Late in the story and both of them are somewhere on the ace spectrum so it doesnt happen that often but they are both verses tho Beck bottoms more)

Favorite nonsexual activity:

MOVIES!! Sprawled on the giant comfy couch, closer than technically needed, cuddling and watching old movies with great special effects and/or great actors! Listening to Beck excitedly rant through the most dramatic speech of the story as he explains how the next cliffhanger is done with hydraulics! Focusing so hard on the stars in his eyes and his excited tone and gestures and just the tone of his voice you forgot to listen to the words themselves! Watching Cham’s face flawlessly mimic the faces on the screen in a blink of an eye and secretly guessing which one will he pick next. Feeling his head slowly fall on your shoulder, eyes closed, his mask smooth but not tense, instead just.. peaceful. Slight ping of annoyance, after all, this is A Classic movie dammit, but it’s gone in a second because Mitya hasnt slept since thursday and you are just relieved he is finally getting his rest. Feeling his warmth under your hand on his shoulders and suddenly never ever wanting to get up again.. EHM. anyway

PLANING HEISTS TOGETHER!! and more or less successfully executing them but planning is actually even more fun aside from the Big Reveals and Entrances which are actually harder to coordinate than one would think!

Lots of shobiz/job talk actually, they really enjoy what they do! Lots of people already mentioned that in their hc compilations but i agree, they love goin to see all kinds of movies and plays and performances as well as acting various scenes with one another!

Their favorite place to be together:

NEW YORK CITY BABEYY. Sure they love to travel and see other countries (and cause mayhem there) but.. they love their mess of a city, it’s never the same without the webhead around as well as the bazillion of other heroes n villains bashin each other’s heads.

Any traditions:

Oh so many pop culture references and inside jokes, oh my god. One time, they spent the entire heist (and its planning period) speaking strictly in famous movie lines and titles, Max and other sixers tried to join but didnt last too long :’D

Beck also has a habit of taking pictures of people with Interesting faces or styles he sees and sends them to Cham. Also another fanon classic: together they have a running game, disguising themselves as moderately famous people and the other guessing who..

Their “song”:

‘This is me’ from the Greatest Showman, i just live for the two of them singin it in Cham’s car,off key but fully immersed and living it.

What they do for each other on holidays:

Neither of them are religious but that doesnt stop Beck from going ALL OUT at any opportunity, Sin Six doesn’t do any heists around holidays because you Know he’d make them dress for the occasion or worse, write them themed lines… They still meet for Christmas and Hanukkah and sometimes other holidays too because this is my AU and you can pry festivities-related shenanigans from my cold, cold hands. It’s always at Beck’s place tho because he can turn his hideout into the tackiest holiday-themed showcase but he aint roping them into it.

On the other hand, Cham despises American commercialized holidays in general and Christmas time especially, since it’s not a big thing in Russia and also once again, he has family issues for days. (Although relatively speaking, he is pretty over these, he is not gonna like mope around or anything)

Anyway, what they do for each other is that they try to compromise, Dmitri doesnt sneer at stupid kitsch decorations every 5 minutes and Quentin ..chills a little. :’D To be fair, Beck makes everything fun and having Cham there makes Beck appreciate the details more instead of just goin into BETTER!BIGGER! frenzy.

Where did they go for their honeymoon:

After the fuckin Ages of pinning, when they finally end up together for realsies, they wanted somethin Big and Flashy! (Well Beck wanted and Cham kinda too but also with the option to merge with the crowd unnoticed and take some chill time) Anyway they went on a whole world wide tour! Starting with a luxury cruise, they took their time, lots of crime sprees to plan and execute, lots of local shows to see, lots of dumb heroes to fool, they’re gonna have it all!

Where did they first meet:

Around the time when Cham and Hammerhead had their criminal empire running Fisk to the ground, Otto decided the Sin Six should team up with them for their ressources needed on one heist or something. They agreed but Cham insisted on actually going in the field, it’s been a while since he really stretched his face legs like this and the mafia life was starting to bore him. Doc made him team up with Mysterio much to the fishbowl’s dismay because why do they need another disguise artist?? He is the Master Of Illusions dammit, he can run circles around this guy, what the fuck Otto?? So at the start, he pouts and fumes under his helmet and in general he is his v unpleasant self but… He can’t help but notice that the new guy is a real professional, he even uses Traditional masks, he likes the same movies… And most importantly, he is actually interested in Mysti’s craft, asking questions and even LISTENING to his long winded answers… At one point he even wondered if that X thing was meant as a HOMMAGE to the Y movie, the Six never did that!! (Usually the rest of the sixers dont know the reference, heathens, and when they do, they mock him for it, that he’s copying ideas and mixin them ridiculously. BUT THIS GUY GETS IT!!) So it doesn’t take long for them to hit it off, of course at this point without any real Trust behind it but it’s a start.

(Though Beck does pay a visit to Otto like, buddy pal i know you’ve been planning on manipulating these crimelords to your end somehow and honestly, any other day i’d be down, i actually had a robot prepared for my own backstab but i was thinking they werent that bad and maybe we Could hold our end of the bargain this time and just. leave each other on good terms? Mabye? Obviously it’s purely out of respect for our teammate Kraven since him and Chameleon seem to have some history, nothing more, definitely nothing to do with how bright Cham’s eyes were when i was showing him the back of my stage… )

What do they fight over:

this whole post has been a mountain of cheese but im bringing more! Honestly, goin through my notes on Patchwork, their biggest arguments have always been about.. the other one not taking proper care of himself :’D Or them lashing out because they were scared and worried about the other and they cant stand being so vulnerable while the other pretends it’s not a big deal because they dont know how to handle genuine concern directed at them.

Do they go on vacations, if so where:

GIVE!!! BECK!!!! HIS!!!! ISLAND!!!!!!They actually do have one, it’s where Celavi spends most of the time and they visit her often. But never for too long, neither of them can actually spend too long doing nothing..

#dmitri smerdyakov #mysterio #quentin beck #chameleon #sinister six #marvel #spidey #spider man #hey i got 30 followers here nice! so have some long boring rambles! :D #31 actually wow nice nice !!#patchwork #kao posts

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seducingavampire · 4 years

Note

answer all for the Gay questions ❤️

im assuming u mean the soft wlw nblw ones bc theyre the only one's ive reblogged lately

1. how long have you known you liked girls?

tbh i never thought i didn't! even when i was 11ish and just thought i was a good ally, i still IDed as "heteroflexible" because i didn't want to rule out liking girls.

2. talk about the girl who made you realise you liked girls

sadly I don't have a cute story :( and my memory is too bad for me to be able to construct one in hindsight either lol

3. are you in a relationship at the moment?

yes!!!! i'm in a ldr with a girl i love very much <3

4. do you have a crush at the moment?

i have a girlfriend, so yes :P

5. describe your crush!

she's kind and understanding and really really beautiful and makes me feel so safe and loved and warm <3

6. do you tend to like more masculine, feminine, or androgynous girls?

i don't really have a type? whatever girl im into at any given time becomes my type lol

7. do you look/dress more masculine, feminine, or androgynous?

i'm nonbinary so i try to lean androgynous but who knows how well i achieve that ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

8. what’s your gaydar like?

i assume that literally everyone is queer unless they seem like a huge asshole lol

9. tall girls or short girls?

i like the idea of being the short one but my gf is shorter than me and I don't actually care that much. physical stuff isn't my priority!!

10. intimidating girls or kind girls?

i don't think theyre mutually exclusive? but im obsessed with kindness and the whole "do no harm but take no shit" thing, so, kind

11. hugs or kisses?

both? please?

12. do you have an ideal ‘type’? what would they be like?

- into me

- incredibly dorky

- that's about it lol i dont really have a type

13. what’s your favourite personality trait of yours?

i do my best to be the most understanding and kind i reasonably could be in any situation

14. what’s your favourite personality trait for a girl to have?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i'm not very self aware

15. what’s the best thing about liking girls?

less requirement to be around men

(im kidding)

((mostly))

16. do you have any friends who are wlw?

i'm pretty sure im friends with more wlw than straight women

17. have you ever been to pride? if so, what was your first pride like?

no, but i've been to a few rallies (australia kinda sucks for lgbtq+ rights on a lot of levels)

18. do you like the lesbian flag?

which one, lol

(i personally prefer the orange and pink one but i'm cool w the others!)

19. what was your first kiss with a girl like?

very awkward. very sweet. very embarrassing. i'm eager for a better first kiss w my girlfriend lol

20. who was your celebrity/fictional gay awakening?

i didn't have one, but i DID have a fixation on cat valentine from victorious (and kinda named myself after her) so.... i guess her? except not really

21. what’s your favourite lgbt+ movie?

love, simon. but only bc I haven't seen many, i really hate a few things about how they adapted that from svthsa

22. who’s your favourite openly wlw celebrity?

probably dodie?

23. do you wear makeup?

when i want to

24. who was the first person you came out to (if you have)?

i don't think i was ever fully in lol

25. has anyone ever come out to you?

yep!

26. have you found a community of lgbt+ people?

yes!! both irl and online

27. do you have any older lgbt+ people you look up to?

the adults in the discord (especially bee <3)

28. do you identify with butch/femme labels?

nope!

29. who’s your favourite fictional wlw?

i suddenly cant remember a single one 😭

30. what experiences are you looking forward to having in the future (kissing a girl, going to pride, etc)?

meeting my girlfriend! kissing my girlfriend! holding hands with my girlfriend! going to sleep at night with my girlfriend!

#cat rambles #ask game answers #anon #this is long and boring sorry lol

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poetic-beats · 5 years

Text

Criticism?

If you want to give me helpful feedback I am ALL EARS. Because that is why i post on a forum and have been for way before i made this blog like 2 years ago.

I LOVE to hear constructive thoughts on how to improve.

However I really do not get people who seemingly have seen little of my work. Especially since alot of my original posts to this blog were not what i considered ‘poetry’ in its most traditional sense a lot were in quote format and more like short prose...or those 6-10 word stories/poems.

Some were more statements and diary style entries hence the excerpts from a book i’ll never write tag.

Others maybe could be considered very very short poems but i guess it was not what i consider to be poetry poetry.

The stuff on the forum is the stuff i post more frequently now on here.

Its not about length as such but also layout structure rhyme or no rhyme free flow etc.

Just all of it.

And unfortunately the forum bugs out and stops counting after 500 poems on the main page but i know i have done quite a bit more than that because the no. has been stuck at 500 for months now.

If i go into categories i have posted my poems in less than 10% will be under the love category and within that are sad love poems.

So the comment i received today on a positive poem about love and support from a partner during tough times being the same as every other piece of work i always write has baffled me.

I am making a deal out of it i guess by making this post and not just ignoring and moving on bcause i guess im wondering now is that how i am viewed am i just generic and spouting the same stuff over and over again? Are you my followers/readers tired of my poems?

Is there any feedback I can receive anon or not? Is there any other topics you would like to see me write about?

And also I kinda feel like when youve amassed over 500 poems around mostly niche topics like mental health specifically bipolar depression anxiety and BPD for the most part that there is gonna be similarities in the words i write. because i mean how many ways can you really talk about such a thing that makes it totally unique from your past works or even other peoples works on that subject matter.

Then we get into the philosophical debate of is anything ever truly original and unique anymore?

I dont know...And also honestly yes i want to improve my writing YES i want to write things that others find solace or happiness in or they can relate too. or that makes people FEEL something strongly etc.

But the only reason i ever started writing was for ME..a coping mechanism to handle my undiagnosed at the time mental illnesses and once i got diagnosed nothing changed. In fact by that point i had fallen in love with written word.

I then focused on really improving and honing my poetry through advice on the forum i am a part of.

I want to write good poetry but first and foremost i do ultimately write for myself and to help me cope with stress in my life. So many nights recently ive wanted to die and self harm and instead ive sat at my laptop and just written poetry instead and its the thread that keeps me hanging on to life.

It is my failsafe when all else is going wrong i have my voice through poetry to rely on. I dont know why but I just can’t say what i want to express about how I am depressed through voice or letter unless it in poetic form. I just find something about poetry itself as an easier vessel to express my emotions than any other form of writing!

Anyways so YES please message me with other topics you would like me to write about and please if you have ANY helpful advice dont be afraid to message me anon or not just so long as you keep it civil dont outright trash me and just suggest how i could improve in a non confrontational manner we’ll be good!

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fireeaglespirit · 5 years

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@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^ I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean… even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

#beyond-far-horizons

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taeguboi · 7 years

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BTS Reaction To A Phone Break-Up

Request: ‘ sry if this is to angsty, but reaction to being broken up with over the phone? need smth to balance out the other stuffs ive been reading lately. thnx xx’

I find angst sorta difficult to write when it’s having the boys on the receiving end of the upset but here’s your angst!

Also this is my last day of half term break so it’s the same scenario for them all; in which the reader is breaking up with him because they never see each other any more because of their schedule...

I’m sorry it’s a really typical scenario and a bit of a cop out but my aim is to empty my ask box of at least reaction / mtl and hc requests to leave just ships [which I can hopefully do a few at a time one weekends or something]

Rap Monster

“Baby, please don’t do this... I’ve been trying so so hard lately to balance work and relationships”

“But Joon, I never see you anymore, like ever; we don’t even video chat anymore”

“It’s not just you, and I know that sounds awful, but... my family is getting this kind of treatment too...”

“I can’t do it Joon; I’m sorry...”

“I... I guess I understand; I miss you”

“I miss you too. Good bye Joon.”

You hung up the call after that.

Of course, Namjoon is gutted; you’re the love of his life. His whole life has been filled with his hard working demeanour, and now that the band has gotten this far, he was convinced he could balance his work and personal life more equally; when he met you, he was convinced he was ready again. You’d be worth the few hours less sleep at night, the place in his heart, his spare time.

For ages he had been trying to push it out of his head that he’d been seeing less of you recently since the latest comeback. But promotions were heavy and the fan meetings slotted in that schedule increased with their ever growing popularity. He was kind of expecting for you to call him out on it though, less expectant that you’d give up on him like this. But it wasn’t a lie when he told you he understands.

Jin

“Honey, if this is some kind of joke, you should stop; it’s not making me laugh”

“I really wish I was kidding Seokjin... not that I’d kid about this kind of thing”

“Then... it’s true?”

“You have to know I love you Jin... but this is killing me”

“Look, I know we don’t see each other as much as we used to be able to, but I really will make it up to you and that’s a promise; I’ll do anything!”

“Please don’t make this any harder for me than it already is Jin...”

“Then stay with me, please! I’ll be worth it!”

“I just can’t Jin... You make me happy, but this... this is not making me happy; I’ve never felt so alone!”

“Please honey...”

“I’m sorry Jin. Stay well.”

This had to be a nightmare; a horrible dream. Any moment he will wake up now if he pinches himself and -- ouch! He had so many plans for the two of you. He was going to take you out the moment he came back to town, and he was going to pay for everything and anything you wanted. Maybe money can’t buy love, but he just wanted to prove that he loves you dearly and that was hopefully the start.

Suddenly the idea that he could have any girl he wants isn’t a novelty anymore. Not when he can’t have you. But he knows that calling you back will only make things worse as you’ve clearly made your decision. It drives him nuts not knowing the process you went through for it to come to this. Did his absence really torture you that much, or was it actually quite easy to pick up that phone and call it quits? Will he ever find out?

Suga

“My main motivation to work as hard as I do is you ever since I met you! I’m going through these heavy schedules so we can live a secure future with...”

“How can we have that future when we’ll barely know each other Yoongs?”

*sighs*

“You know I’m right Yoongi... and I think you know that this much time apart obviously isn’t healthy for our relationship”

“So you’re saying we should just go our separate ways? Just like that?”

“It kinda feels like we already have Yoongs”

“What can I do to get you to stay with me?”

“Nothing. Nothing at all.”

“So... this is goodbye?”

“I think it’ll be for the best Yoongi. Your career comes first, we both established that fact when we got together.”

“You must have known we’d come across periods of time like this then surely when I told you that?”

“I guess I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I think I need to hang up now. I love you.”

It was always this way; he was hardly surprised. The work always got in the way. But this is his dream, right? He has to move on... or maybe he can be patient and come back one day?

Even a long while after the phone break up, you’re still his motivation. He never thought he’d be such a romanticist but he’s gonna keep pursuing that career so he can earn his money and his free time and come back to you one day and hope that your heart still lies with him.

J-Hope

“Hobi, I really never wanted for it to come to this...”

“Neither do I... Can you really not hold out for me?”

“I love hearing your voice over the phone, and I light up when I see you on a video call, which by the way is extremely rare now... It’s the empty feeling I get afterwards; I don’t know when I’m gonna hear from you next... You can’t even tell me when you’ll be back in town, let alone see each other in person again...”

“Believe me, I wish I knew... I want nothing more than to be able to tell you I’m coming back to town to see you...”

“Of course I believe you... I guess fate doesn’t want us to be together, not right now anyways”

“But I want us together...”

“I’m sorry Hobi. It’s over. You’ll be good without me.”

“You really don’t understand...”

“I have to go Hobi”

“I love you y/n; so much...”

“I love you too”

That moment it’s for certain that you’ve ended things with Hoseok is when day turns into night. Although it’s inevitable that the sun will come out tomorrow, he certainly doesn’t want to. Even though it had to be kept a massive secret, Hobi loved having someone to love, someone who had a place for him in their heart as he did for them.

The next few weeks, months or however long it takes to recover from this fall are going to be difficult, but he can’t be alone with his thoughts. So he finds the nearest member to completely let it out to them. As little as he wants to cry, it’s the best thing he can do for himself at this moment so that he’s less likely to crack under the public eye. He’s going to stay in love with you for a long time though.

Jimin

“Please don’t let this get the better of you y/n... You must know how much you mean to me... what this will do to me...”

“I do know Chim... I also know that I haven’t physically seen you for half a year, 6 months! It’s crazy how lonely I feel”

“I see people every day; I can barely avoid people in fact, but I feel just as lonely as you do...”

“See? That’s no good is it? I love you Jimin and I know you love me, but... this relationship is doing us more harm than good for as along as we’re away from each other for such extended periods of time”

“I’ll quit!”

“Don’t be stupid Jimin and don’t you dare even consider that! You know you’re just talking in the moment because you’re emotional”

“I’m sorry, you’re right... How about we take a risk and I send you as much of my schedule as I know...?...”

“And have people think I’m a Sasaeng? I thought we were never going to have attention drawn...”

“I just don’t want this to happen...”

“and you think I do?”

“Please don’t break up with me.”

“I have to. I think it will do us both some good, even though it might not feel that way now.”

“This isn’t gonna stop me missing you”

“I miss you too Jimin... but I’m going to hang up now... Just assure me that you’ll stay healthy and safe, please?”

“Okay”

It wasn’t ideal that you had to spend so much time apart from each other, but even just the thought of you kept him going, made him feel more certain about himself. Curling up into a ball on his bed, he considers his options to feel better. Usually, he’s the one there to cheer his friends and band members up when they’re feeling down, but it’s never come to this before.

In his professional life, he manages to stay very strong, without even the tiniest hint that something is up, but behind closed doors, it’s going to take quite a few more nights before he doesn’t slam that door behind him to be sad by himself.

“Of course I love you Tae...”

“Then why have you chosen to do this?”

“I...”

“You’re not the only one having to wait and feel tortured in this way, you know?”

“You have plenty around you to be distracted by; you get to finish work and go straight to sleep because there’s little other choice... I have to come home to an empty house and wonder if that phone will ring”

“I thought I was worth the time apart... I thought we were both going to wait so we can have that moment when we’re finally together again...”

“Me too, but it’s all gotten the better of me”

“Well, I guess that says enough about how much you’re willing to do to keep our relationship going... You entered this knowing fully well that I’d be busy, that sometimes it might be a while before we see each other again.”

“and now looking back, it makes me wonder how we even established that relationship in the first place Tae...”

“I can’t hear anymore of this y/n. I love you but this is ending with me completely unconvinced you ever fully felt the same way. Goodbye.”

Taehyung has a lot of self worth and respect; he knows it isn’t his fault that it has come to this, and that career sadly has to trump relationships. But he did think he had found someone who wouldn’t leave him because of the schedules. He loves you dearly, and you said ‘yes’ when he asked that big question to initiate your relationship, surely that was the start of something solid that could last despite the trying times?

He hangs up first though because he knows he’s about to well up. Since you told him you want to break it off, you’re no longer that person he feels he can get emotional in front of anymore. He’s going to open up to one close friends, but hide his devastation other than that.

Jungkook

“I know this is hard for both of us, but I... I don’t know if I know how to handle this if you leave me”

“Keep living your dream Jungkook and forget about me, or at least your feelings for me. Distract yourself, it’ll fade eventually.”

“Are you sure you can’t wait for me? I love you; I can’t wait til we have a bit more freedom and I can finally show you to the world...”

“...and become the envy of all girls leading to all the hate comments which would have scared me off anyway no matter how hard I try to ignore it? Let’s face it Jungkook; this was probably doomed from the start”

“Doomed?”

“You know what I mean Jungkook. Something or someone out there doesn’t want this to happen. When’s the last time we saw each other?”

“Last week on...”

“I mean in person Kookie...”

*sighs* “At least a good 7 months, I suppose...”

“What kind of relationship is that?”

“Long distance?”

“Too much distance for me Guk... I miss you so hard it hurts...”

“Look... I think I understand... You do what you have to do and... I wish you all the best.”

“That’s very mature of you Guk...”

“Maybe some other time we can try again?”

“We’ll see”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

So that was the end of Jungkook’s first real romance... As a trainee from a young age and then escalating into stardom, this was the first time he’d established a proper relationship with real feelings, and that’s perhaps why he had the idea about ‘some time in the future’, unable to imagine a love life with anyone else.

Despite his great upset at the situation, he understands why this might have been hard for you to stay committed to and help sustain something that can’t give back. He missed you a great deal too and almost resented the heavy schedules, but it’s something that has to be done. With the help of his hyungs, he thinks he can at least get over the sad feeling.

#OML THIS WAS SO ANGSTY #I'm sorry to end on such an emo note but I probably won't be back with original posts til like xmas now #bts #bts reactions #bts reaction #beyond the scene #bts angst

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fixingforeverandalways · 5 years

Text

I know you need time...

And im listening, and im hearing you. I now understand, and this was my doing and honestly it’s the least I deserve. But I miss you, and I love you on such a level it’s hard to be without you - I know the past near 11 months since we got in contact again have not all been smooth sailing, but we have had some more than good times, you’ve become my safety in a world full of so much bad stuff.

You are my soul mate, and I will forever stand by that, it destroys me knowing that I’ve put us through this and all that echos in my head is you apologising for breaking my heart, well what about yours? I seen the look in your eyes today and I know you’re hurting just as bad as I am for being away from me, it feels so so wrong to be apart but I know that you deserve the time and space to establish your own life - so do I - so we can find the perfect way to fuse our lives together and settle down properly. by choice. without any rush or stress. Honestly we both deserve that - i so desperately need the stability of my own strength and i so desperately need a support system in place to turn to when things feel low - and despite getting there without having you 24/7, you will always be and are the centre of that support system, you’re my safe haven and the person I trust the most. In your arms with your voice soothing me, feeling your toastie tootsies at the bottom of the bed - that is the core of my support system and nothing will ever change or replace the feeling i get with you.

ive just taken that for granted too much. I like to think that in time, as I prove to you just how serious i am, and just how capable I am, that you will let me be yours too - i dont want to be the cause of your pain and suffering and i simply wont be any longer. i refuse. if it were down to me we’d be in a home together, taking a few days to ourselves but knowing we have the security of eachother at the end of it. because that’s something we both need, security - knowing that the other person has us 100%, and you’ve proven yourself to me time and time again and even more so in the last two days with your honesty and openness and willingness. and now it’s my turn.

honestly i know me and I know my personality and I know my ability to overcome in situations where i risk losing something i hold close to me. Ahead of me I’ve got 7 weeks of CBT over that period will cover a range of talking therapies based on the idea that thoughts, feelings, what we do and how our body feels are all connected. If we change one of these we can alter the others. so in turn, improving the way I view situations, and improving the way i treat my body will impact how i feel and how i act massively - especially in a situation where i can often feel way too strongly about stuff.

with the idea of CBT, it works based on the idea that ‘When people feel worried or distressed we often fall into patterns of thinking and responding which can worsen how we feel. CBT works to help us notice and change problematic thinking styles or behaviour patterns so we can feel better.’ and i’m already at the point I can physically list the toxic reactions i have when i feel overwhelmed and I know some ways in which personally ive learn to avoid that happening, for example:

Explosive anger / breaking things/ slamming things - walking away to my own space, to play games or blast music or just cry. I would like to have my own little space to do this in, be that just my princess tent. It is not ok for me to react so strongly to being angry, but i do need a healthy way to vent anger as this is very much a normal emotion.

Emotional outbursts/ crying - this is ok to do, but what’s not ok is to drag others into it. it’s ok to break down and be sad, but at this point i need to ask for comfort, a cuddle, a phone call, reassurance, i need to ASK for these things and not assume people instantly know what i need, especially as anger when crying can look a lot like sadness. and in that situation i have very different needs.

Jealousy/ insecurity/ paranoia - TALK. COMMUNICATE. TRUST. Inevitably, I can be paranoid, its arguably the most annoying symptom of them all. once someone gets a doubt in my mind i worry endlessly. by talking, communicating i can get the reassurance I need and drop it - by being open and honest and ASKING before I assume it can avoid any emotional overwhelming. as stupid and unrealistic as some things may sound, my brain will often find a way to find some logic too it no matter how far fetched, so please be patient with this as i’d rather sit down and be able to talk to you no matter how silly you might think it sounds, i dont mean to sound accusing at times i know i have done - but i need to insure i question rather than accuse in a way that isnt attacking, as to not stress or panic you. I know its inconvenient and a pain but i want to be able for us to both communicate and whilst i dont worry or get paranoid all the time, it does happen and the best course of action is just reassurance and patience, being calm with me and listening.

snapping and raising voice - this is usually the tell for any incoming outburst of explosive emotion. the typical result of so much from being tired, stressed, hormonal or simply just born from frustration. This will happen from time to time as with any couple, however its how its handled that matters, we’re both guilty of raising our voices or snapping or coming across blunt and more often than not without really realising. It can be all to easy to get triggered by this and respond in a bad way, but this can be shut down and resolved by a simple ‘there’s no need to snap, or raise your voice’ and i know in the past that has then led to more issues, this is from me taking offence because it sometimes feels like you’re trying to invalidate my feelings and thoughts. this is my issue to work through, and learn to stay calm in situations. which this is all stuff i’ve done before, and let slip when i let my whole life kinda spiral. so its an uphill battle for sure, but its also a very winnable one.

Lack of appreciation - I’m very guilty of this, i’ve been trying more recently to show you that i appreciate the things you do but on reflection actually, it’s all the small things which actually are second nature to you that i feel i dont show enough appreciation for, making juice, making the effort to talk to me and tell me about your day after you’re clearly exhausted. there’s so many things that in just two days of not being close to you that im realising need and deserve that level of appreciation. and this comes with time, it’s so easy to forget as time passes and things become the norm that actually - it’s not the norm and it deserves thanks. This is a two way street and sometimes i feel the same, but at the same time you go more than out of your way to thank me for basic tasks like washing up, changing the bed etc.... and when i feel so low in myself that makes a huge huge difference to my day. so i recognise the importance to express thanks, but i also know sometimes its not always possible or simply gets forgotten.

self care - This is without a doubt something which has a huge impact, I’ve been desperately clawing at life and the things i love trying to drag myself along with my hair and nails and dye and clothes, but honestly? its hard. i hate myself. i disgust myself. and you make me feel so wanted and loved, it changes everything when we’re going so well. but i know that it’s not healthy to be dependent on you like that, there’s no harm in boosting each-others confidence or making each-other feel good but the reality is for me that self care is the thing that will always give me a fighting chance at a good day. be it regular shaving/ bathing/ hair washing/ skin care/ nails it just makes me feel good. i like to get dressed up and look fiiine, but putting the weight back on has made it so much worse. I do want your help and advice about food, eating and working out and I know i often seem to turn my nose up but honestly i worry about being condescended to, its one of my triggers because no one likes to be made to feel stupid. and that’s also something i need to remember. i’ve under estimated you so much. that’s not ok though. but yes, the plan of action is to get my eating back under control (which is going good given the fact i cant keep any food down haha!) and take measures to get into a daily routine, even if i’m not going anywhere - just so when i catch a glimpse in the mirror i dont get low. my weight is a huge contributor to everything self care related, it gets me down massively and its a huge trigger for anxiety and paranoia for me when you make comments about people you see online etc about their weight or call people fat, because i worry you judge me the same way and it sounds pathetic but it does genuinely hurt because sometimes it sounds like size is a huge issue for you and it sends me spiralling downwards, but this is a trigger that needs to be made clear to you as i know deep down you’re just messing most the time.

unfair divide in chores/ laziness - Washing up. when we progress and work through this, can we just get a dish washer? I will hand wash all my fluffy plates etc and the unicorn ones on a fair amount, for example if i use a plate and there’s one waiting to be cleaned i wont just dump mine on top for you to do, providing there’s time i will ensure it doesn’t build up, and obviously this is a habit we should both get into really to avoid any stress over the kitchen area being unclean. especially when you’re working 13 hours a day, i cant imagine i’ll be working that long of a day! so it makes more sense for me to do that when you’re out etc.

Snide remarks - Im the worst for this. think links in massively with the snapping and the outburts. I feel at times i do this because im over whelmed, and i know this is wrong. the solution to this i feel is just pure mindfulness, and respect more than anything else. I feel CBT will help with this massively. I wish I knew more about WHY this is my go to defence mechanism but honestly I have no idea myself.

Passing the blame/ playing victim - I feel I do this more than you, sometimes when i get triggered i feel like my reactions and thoughts are out of my control... which is just stupid. because ultimately it’s my job to decide what i think about something. end of really, it’s my responsibility and after talking i realised that by me blaming you, or making silly comments that made it feel like i was blaming you hurts you, massively. Unless your direct actions has led to something bad happening, for example if you throw something at me and it hits me in the eye and i shout oH FUCK or something, then that situation i would feel that your actions would be the reason i raised my voice for that haha :P the reality of the situation is that on a personal level we’re each responsible for taking responsibility for our own wellbeing - in the sense that while i’ve got every intention of looking after you fully, if you dont open up to me like you have recently then i dont know how to fix it and won’t be able to fix it for you and vice versa.

Invalidation - This I think we’re both very guilty of at times without meaning to - or even noticing we do it. it’s so so important that we listen and understand each-other without judgement. I sometimes do not acknowledge how upset or stressed or tired you are to the extent i need to, i can be dismissive and selfish especially when you’re so late home from work etc. I can get over excited and a little self obsessed to see it from your perspective. With BPD a lot of my triggers are caused by me feeling invalided like you don't understand or take things seriously when i try to express myself and it leaves me frustrated or upset, i know now that it’s not always the case and sometimes you panic and cant deal. I feel this is something we need to work on together. and learn about each other as time passes.

The need for reassurance/ attention/ care - Sometimes I feel like I ask for attention openly and it just kinda gets brushed off or last for a short period of time before you pick your phone or something up. When I ask for attention I mean I’d like to spend some quality time with you one on one, no distractions just me being able to enjoy you. You’ve never spoken to me about needing attention or care really so I would like you to be open with me when you need something, be that for me to help with your food, run you a bath or just get things for you when you’re not feeling so good. I do feel I am a lot needier in this sense with the whole ddlg stuff, and there’s a lot more expectation and pressure for you to care for me, but please know I am more than capable of looking after you when you need it, or simply just want it.

Sex and intimacy - This is a huge huge thing for me because for the first time in a very long time i’ve actually wanted to be physically close to another person. I dont really tend to like people touching me it makes me feel uneasy to actually wanting to be close to you feels amazing. The past few months obviously have been really bad for this, and i feel at times i’ve pushed for you to want to even cuddle or be near me. the lack of interest in me ruins that ‘you make me feel good about myself and wanted and loved’ from earlier and just fills me with safe hate like there’s something wrong with me, like im ugly and gross and you just cant stand the thought of being near me. this hurts me massively. obviously I know now that this was a direct result of everything that was going on but even now in my mind all i can hear and think about is you ‘how can you expect me to want to have sex with you when you say such horrible things’ and it’s like i shut down so much when i feel unwanted and pushed away it becomes a vicious cycle for us both. I know sex isnt something immediately on the cards etc and you need time to heal, but i think it would do us good to talk about what it means to us and stuff. and reasons why or why not we’d do that yknow? i know it’s a bit of a weird one but i feel so close to you when we do that like as weird and twisted as it sounds it feels like reassurance - at this point in my life I associate sex with love, and there isnt one without the other. so in my mind, no sex = no love so when we are intimate and stuff it relaxes me and puts my mind at ease. Regular intimacy is a huge thing, even if that’s just naked snuggles and touching yknow.

Cuddles and sleeps - I have no complaints, just moar pls. all the time. every day. 24/7 ;p I do get though that sometimes it’s too hot to snuggle properly, but similarly to sex i feel that if i dont touch you then i’m not wanted. it might sound stupid it’s just another form of validation i guess.

Money and savings - I don’t really know where to go with this, I find it uncomfortable that you’re still on a joint account with Jezi and are paying off finance items in her house. Personally I don’t want to make any commitments money wise until you sort this situation out which has been nearly a year long now and you said you would sort something out in December. I personally think the situation is weird and not ok. I don’t pay for Ben’s sofa, so why are you paying for hers? This is something that should have been sorted out when you left and i feel that it’s putting our life together on hold still. I don’t want to move forward knowing you’re still on someone elses joint account etc because that isn’t fair on me. I want us to work together as a team and once we take that next step to joint assets for it to be joint between US not you and anyone else. This i feel is a massive personal boundary for me. I want to commit to you and start our life, our home, our savings and bills etc together.

Children and family - Obviously, this is a huge one and i’ve had a pretty shitty attitude to date with this and some stupid shit i’ve come out with. I think we need to draw the line with making rude or offensive comments about each-others families. See the line becomes a bit blurry when you make offensive jokes or comments about your children etc, so the expectation that others dont when you do it isnt right. I do also think we should both have a set routine and more open conversations about this. I think that effort needs to come from both of us with each others families, obviously you dont need to make effort for any of my children because they’re all furry and have four legs. ;p

I don’t want to feel like my whole life has been shaken up, and you’ve always said it wouldnt be like that, or feel like im being pushed out because like i’ve said from the start i want a life with you - and whilst yes it fully involves luna and celestia i need your word that it wont effect the things we do together, like move in or get married or have our own family etc. because ultimately these are things i want for us in the future, sure not the foreseeable future but I DO want that life with you, and i want it to be just perfect and I feel ive spent so long trying to adjust by myself, trying to educate and calm and sooth myself with a situation that you frankly just dropped me in and left me in that it’s been a struggle. There’s a lot of stuff that I thought I felt to begin with that was just a part of the process for accepting and understanding. I love having fun days out and stuff, and I do want to be apart of their lives and make a positive impact on them and be another person in their support system, but i also need to know that in difficult situations where anyone acts up or misbehaves that you will deal with that, because it stresses me out feeling like it’s not my place to say or do anything, i just feel helpless and confused because this is a LIFE, a CHILD we’re talking about and it’s not my place to do right or wrong. it was hard coming to terms with the fact they’re not something I gave you. i wish so hard that things could have been different and a part of me will ALWAYS hurt that you gave that part of yourself to someone else and not me. but the fact is that it’s done. and there’s nothing I or you or anyone can do to change that. so it was just a case of learning to come to terms with the feelings i had about it, and process them in a way that I could move past it and get on. It’s at the point that my thoughts about everything changed completely. of course i still hate the fact its not something we share, but the reality is that if its important to you then it’s important to me, and whatever your thoughts and feelings I will do nothing other than support you in that. I think my perspective even until recently was a little limited to say the least, it felt like it was a case of me or them, and that you could only be there for either me or them in life, it just felt like a competition for you attention and love because from my experience when we have them you pretty much ignore me and give me the complete cold shoulder and im not ok with that. i know its hard for them to adjust but the reality is that if you want us to be together in the long term then sooner or later they’ll have to get used to seeing us together and honestly it’ll just become the norm if we act normal.

Honesty and openness -

Approachability -

Changes in opinion and feelings -

Worries -

Moving forward -

boundaries on a personal level / exs/ porn/ stupid shit - I will do a whole new post on this! But it’s so important we both have our boundaries with things, or are at least aware of what makes each other uncomfortable or upset. Being aware of this will stop us triggering each other.

dating -

Home -

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badfey · 7 years

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I have a friend with an eating disorder and you seem to know a lot about it. and i don't know anything! so i'm wondering • how do you know so much, do you or a friend have one? • how can i support and help my friend through it. (he also has anxiety and depression so if you have any tips on them you could chuck them in) i know your not a professional but i want to know your personal tips on how you would (or currently do idk) support a friend thank you :))

hi, i myself have been through minor eating problems, but luckily its never spiralled or become a disorder of its own. most of the people im closest to have had EDs, so i do know a lot about supporting them through it. this message is kinda more tailored to EDs, but if u want more advice on the other stuff just shoot another ask bc i have a lot of experience w that too

i’ll preface this by saying that just as every person is unique, so will be their relation with their disorder. here are some ways you can help [under the cut because this got long]

TW: eating disorders, food, self harm, mental illness

getting help:

if your friend has an eating disorder, they need help. EDs are practically impossible to overcome on your own, and the longer someone goes without treatment, the harder it is to recover. without help, EDs have a very low survival rate

if theyre already getting help for anxiety/depression, they should tell the therapist and get help that way.

if theyre on a waiting list (or not receiving any help at all) they should tell their gp, and bc of the seriousness of EDs they will be seen faster

if theyre not ready to get treatment, you gotta gently but persistently encourage them to get professional help. in some situations, u might have to tell someone on their behalf, but i would say to avoid that or at least do it with open communication so they can still trust u after. denial is a Huge part of EDs, so u have to help them push past that

when they first start getting ed help, it will feel like therapists and doctors suddenly dont care about their mental well-being as long as theyre eating. if this is the case, they need to tell their therapist. hopefully their therapist listens, but if not then it could be an idea to carry on ed treatment w them, and see a different person abt the rest

recovery only really makes a difference when u stop fighting it. when u stop doing exercises in ur room, when u stop secretly tracking calories, when u stop only pretending to follow your therapy plan

supporting them

theyre gonna need u as a friend a lot in this time. if you can be someone they can depend on, thats the best thing. however, dont put their needs before ur own: u are just as important too

talk to them ! like when uve got depression, its easy to want to isolate urself. let me tell u, that gets u nowhere except miserable. just keep talking to them and stuff. sometimes its really important to be able to vent and talk out the big issues. other times its better to talk about light and unimportant things. i think this is the most important one

validate their struggles. this is v important because even tho u want to show them how life does get better, theyre going through genuine hell right now, so just pointing out that it gets better feels like ur ignoring how bad they have it

lead by example. do u struggle w body image? ya me too, but im working on it. work on it openly: promoting self love will help u both tremendously

here is a v good list of things to avoid

remember tht recovery is long hard and painful, but completely necessary. at the start of getting help, coping becomes really hard bc control gets taken away, and it seems like their entire life starts to revolve around food. it gets easier with time

recovery blogs r ur best friend!!!!!!!!! for both of u. they offer support and advice and constant insight into how u can be there for ppl, or urself. block thinspo blogs. they can rot. here are some good recovery blogs

find out what they like and dislike. and triggers. if they dont like people commenting on what they eat, always move the subject away from that if others start to talk. same w anything that makes them uncomfortable

encourage recovery. they will probably be constantly cold weak miserable and irrationally guilty, but recovery can change that. sometimes its important to remember just how bad being ill feels in order to keep choosing recovery (same goes for any mental illness)

things to remember (important for everyone to know, not just those supporting people)

an eating disorder is a mental illness, not a body type. any person of any shape can have an ED, they dont have to look a certain way for their struggles to be valid

an ED is a mental illness that affects the persons relationship w food. this means there are many different eating disorders, and none of them are more valid than another. not everyone restricts, not everyone purges, not everyone binges

some people develop food issues as a form of control: when everything else in your life is beyond you, its one thing people can control. until it begins to control them. this is why giving up control to start recovery can be so hard

for some people it’s body image issues. for some people its control (as said above). for some people its a way to self harm. for lots of people its any combination of the above

thats about all ive got right now, hopefully this is what you were after. if you dont feel confident in supporting them, keep asking people for advice. get your own chain of support (u cant support someone well unless u have people u can trust and confide in). follow recovery blogs. theyre honestly the best, and provide a better and more detailed insight than ive been able to. supporting people through things this huge is hard, and ur a good friend for trying.

its a learning process, and youll get better at it. thats why looking for other peoples advice is so important: it helps u improve. the first time i tried to help someone through an ED, i was 14 and with problems of my own, so i wasnt a good support at all, and i had no idea what to do. you’ll be better than i was (already seeking experienced advice shows this), and as long as you care youll be fine. your friend will be okay too, in time

#EDs //#ed recovery #support #mental illness //#food //#ask to tag #Anonymous

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kendrixtermina · 7 years

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Extra Typology Vol #2 - 2. Lunar Type Basics

The Lunar type according to Campling. Pardon my commentary, tis is gonna be a complainy entry. .

kind & spontaneous, independent & creative, sometimes naive

small bird-like movements

like fun stuff, bright primary colors (*frantically hides glittery nail polish collection*)

changing moods come & go

highly subjective perception, with a tendency to assign equal validity to most perceptions (Possible parallels to IxxP and/or Oldham’s “Idiosyncratic”)

worldview is a medley of fact & own interpretations/imagination, tend to live in their minds

highly intuitive (in the “creative” “Natural as opposed to rigorous intelligence” kind of way, not the mbti sense, but, this is a very defining characteristic. Personally as a 5 I try to restrain the inner woo woo or at least relegate it to playtime but its there.)

related: may surprise others with sudden insights but may lack the ability to explain the path of thought/logic (though the author doesn’t differentiate between internal & external reasons for that, ie, “intuitive leap/gut feeling” vs. “hard to extrovert thought processes”, in the later case the person would have the logic & just have trouble with the explaining itself.)

may spin off into a private phantasy while explaining

idiosyncracies as “uniqueness” & independence, odd clothes, an expression of putting creativity into everything they do (potential overlap with 4 here. This is indeed something others notice more about me than I do, like I try but I don’t necessary see the sucess or creativity in it because it’s just me doing my thing?)

Prone to confusion & stubborness, may appreciate the guidance of a wise friend (Guilty of the former, though i would NOT agree with the latter at all, like, no thank you and if you’re gonna talk down to me you can eff off. Not just if thats Js thinking they know what ppl need again or something but I can’t speak for everyone, I might be an odd one out because of my 8 fix. A lot of this could also be analogous to tert Si, and ive already told socionics to f*** off regarding babysitters.)

more interested in being understood than in ‘love’ per se (YES though these are not wholly unrelated things)

Can be nervous & overwhelmed when put in the center of attention, can react by being giddy, blunt or blurtey

may act senselessly or out of stubbornness or seem to worry about unlikely far-fetched things (again the other book explained “stubborn” behavior better & the author is not the ultimate judge of what a necessary worry is; That said that still is a depiction of what the auther appearance of it often is)

may neglect to attent to everyday life issues & find them overwhelming (^^° Can’t deny this one)

playful in nature, might spend a long time engrossed in a hobby or preoccupation (Check.)

May act unexpectedly angry or hostile when overwhelmed/threatened; This however is usually a momentary thing that should not be mistaken for a long-term communication, same with other blurted out thoughts. (Yes. Ne-Fe and 5 doesn’t help with this ^^°)

easily becomes dissapointed or negative but also able to focus in a crisis

can however also exhibit a pollyanna-like resilient quality comingout of things with less obvious scars & positive, disarming charm (this would be more of a Solar trait in the other book resolving the seeming contradiction with the above)

Loves to tell others about ideas, thought I wouldn’t necessarily agree with the author’s attention that this is only to get attention/validation < - like a factor/dynamic like that is surely in place & sometimes positive feedback really makes my day, though I do not believe your life should be oriened toward seeking that at all, (Inferior fe is a thing, 4s do lowkey desire validation, 5s want to be useful, 4w3s want admiration but again thats all just human) but the assertion that I don’t actually care about ideas for their own sake makes me wanna go 8 on this mofo,

it’s kinda something that makes me mad like this idea that intellectual stuff has no value/end of its own is just an “excuse” or “justification” or interpersonal motivations like showing off or getting your way. (Look at your own nose, ppl, why do you think everyone’s always showing off?) Of course its hard for humans to be wholly objective but trying anyways is worth it and should be seen as noble, not phony

Author would argue that the Lunar bid for indepenc is actually a farce & that we’re actually highly dependent like some brat... (in contrast to the other book who thought some of the others could learn from our tolerance for alone time) but isn’t it true of all humans that they have both tough & vulnerable sides? No denying that we can be rather lacking in the lifeskills department & thus end up relying on others sometimes, but again doesn’t make sense to apply a SJ idea of “adulthood” here. There are various kinds of independence.

Something the author definitely gets wrong is saying that Lunars make a lot of “I think, I feel “ etc. first person statements and that this is somehow a sign of utter selfishness & spoiled immaturity. That is demonstrably wrong, like, it’s not just me saying it -

Studies have, in fact, shown that this way of speaking is usually a symptom of having less confidence, the very opposite of arrogance, everyone regardless of type tends to talk like this when they’re deferring & then turning around and going “I i i all you do is think about yourself” is just harmful & can even be an abuse tactic - a person’s already deferring & the feedback you give them is “arrogant”? That’s gonna do a number on someone’s self-esteem.

Putting aside that Ji types mbti wise just naturally use a lot of “I” statements cognitive function wise. The mbti article attributed it to those Ti folks wanting to know just who the idea came from (without drawing a bridge to how Fi folks do it too & generally tell things as flowing subjective narratives) but as far as my experience goes these speech patterns are rather unconscious & automatic to the point that the person may not be aware of it untill it’s pointed out - they just talk & that comes out.

I can’t speak for everyone and I’m sure there’s some arrogant IPs that want you to know that they figured it all out, because there’s assholes or every type but most are gonna be rather self-critical & humble.When I speak this way as deliberate choice, I usually mean to do the opposite - to say that I’m quite aware that this is just my opinion. If anything is “self-absorbed”, it’s stating your opinion like it’s the Divine Voice Of God, like, “It is this way because i say so.”

I get that it’s a potential ground for misunderstanding one should be aware of, but, judging someone for that & immediately assuming that they all without exception “live in an inward-looking cocoon of self-obsession” seems just plain biased.

Also I’d hardly consider something like this a feature of ‘essence’, for what good these distinctions do.

Like, I think my thoughts & when I try to express it it goes through certain filters & alghorithms that produce the specific speech or text that may be misunderstood as something different by people and just be one of many ways that same thing can be phrased -

and those patterns are surely a part of or characteristic of me in some way but the more fundamental part should be what’s beaneath these algorithms & filters trying to do the expressing.

#12gram #essence type #planetary body type #typology #extraTypology #lunar type

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patrickbaeddman · 7 years

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btw this wall of text is funny and has jokes so dont be afraid to read it in full♥( like i never read theory posts i just skim cuz they’re usually really boring)

im genuinely asking all you girls lol. i think that theory and stuff is fun but its got a lotta girls caught up in it to where they think all issues are equal. because in theory they are. but this is totally war, like, our numbers are limited. and also we cant afford to make things any easier for people who are invested in killing us.

like in theory what if we had a utopian capitalist society; trans women would be treated perfect, cis women would be treated perfect, etc, except for that capital would exist lol but im just saying its capitalist because of the epistemological impossibility of describing a post-capitalist society. so cis women would have their uteruses respected and all that stuff (what do cis women care about????? idgi tbh) and trans women would y’know, not be in the absolute shithole.

so in that situation theory coincides with and applies to society so if a misogynist trend appeared it wouldnt hurt trans women to work with cis women on whatever was an issue with them with that. well the only thing that would hurt would be being seen in public with such unfashionable people. but i digress.

however in this late capitalist metadata-shaped reality, if we want to really center and support ourselves and our sisters, we have to preform some kind of triage. triage is a practice in medicine and more specifically field, military, and emergency medicine by which doctors quickly determine prognosis (oversimplified: how likely someone is to survive) and more importantly the effect of treatment on said prognosis. and then decide the order to treat injured based on that analysis. so basically they treat the ppl with severed limbs first so they dont bleed out, but the people cut in half last cuz it would be near impossible to save them anyway. you probably already knew all this, like, if you’ve seen apocalypse now or anything but i just really like talking about medical science lmao. humor me.

so we have to decide where the focus of social and material resources is most important and will do the most good for tw. thats pretty intuitive. i think if i said that to any tw i know shed agree. well tw dont usually agree with my taste in icecream muchtheless politics so maybe not. anyway :p♥

looking at it from a military/conflict analytical perspective, because there’s little difference between physical and emotional conflict and often its helpful to look at them the same, there are a lot of people working on cis womens “rights”. in fact many men also work with cis women on their ~issues~ ; trans guys being especially invested in this cuz its a way to be transmisogynist and gain power 4 free basically. cis women have that shit on lockdown, lemme tell you. they’re bringing their boyfriends and everything. meanwhile our boyfriends or cis girlfriends dont wanna be seen with us. but like i said a bunch already, nobody’s even working for trans womens basic needs (not rights) except ourselves. let me say: every time we go participate in a womens march, in a trans march, we’re getting played hard.

like hard girls. like major funny business. like serious shenanigans. why? because cis women and trans men use us and our incredible skill, talent, etc, and get us to organize, direct, speak at, etc the march and they get all the benefits. we get none. in fact we usually get sexually assaulted, traumatized, verbally assaulted, et ceteraaaa. like, are you seeing what im seeing? my triage says that thats definitely NOT something i should get within 10 miles of. dont rhetorically defend that, dont go, dont give your labor to ppl who are lookin to simply exploit you and send you home with less that you masked up with. or pussy hatted up. god thats the worst. fashion nightmare.

everybody has limited resources. it simply doesn’t make sense to spend our resources as tw on stuff which doesnt give back. every time you theoretically defend cis women in even a minuscule way i wonder why?? cuz the problem is you’re not gonna get anything from it! i mean maybe this is too max stirner but not really cuz what i’m saying is that we are small in active numbers, and we dont get any tactical assistance from anyone but our selves, and thus its crucial to focus solely on gaining resources for and preserving our own selves. especially when its not just a waste, its dangerous. the more leeway cis women get from trans women, the more they will exploit that and exploit the trans women in their movements; and use those women to decredit the women outside of their movements. dont be a token! i’m not kidding when i say you won’t get anything out of it.

remember the study that said trans women participating in communities are more depressed than trans women who dont. cis womens movements will suck you dry. okay that sounds kinda hot. they’ll do it in a non-hot way. they will use your brilliance for their own ends and dehumanize your daily life.

so when you give your energy to them, whether you’re a fulltime h8r like me or you dont really h8 anyone (i bet theres someone you h8 dont lie to yourself, we’ve all got that dark side hatred inside us), its not useful to ever focus on cis women. even if you like them a lot they dont really need your help. unless you’re a hardcore masochist and wanna never focus on yourself and only focus on others, which i get, its kind of a thing with tw, but lemme tell you its the most dangerous goddamn thing when done with cis women. at least if you put the needs of other tw over your own they will prolly help you in return! anyway please become an egoist and put your needs above others. thats not even actually egoism, so dont even worry about karl marx’ ghost coming to haunt you.

trans women need to use that kind of thinking more than any other kinda people, but we like put ourselves first the least! we are way too selfless. and literally everyone is conspiring to play the fuck out of us so we are sooo vulnerable to being tokens and hurting ourselves by giving energy to communities that just wanna exploit us. it sux!!

the moral of the story is, please never talk about uteruses and vaginas and reproductive rights and petty acts of misogyny like catcalls ever again lol, cuz the (millions) of cis women who talk about those things have got way more resources to fight those things which are comparatively nothing to what threatens trans women, and they are also 100% invested and complicit in your exploitation and demise! also it makes me sad cuz i want sisters to care about me and focus on me (and themselves) cuz i’m super vain.

i feel like what politics posts are missing on tumblr is like, honesty! ive become way more honest this year and i dont think it detracts from what im saying to say that posts focusing on trans women and validating us and totally tossing out all the cis bs thats constantly around us make me feel more cared about and more happy. i want people to care about my experiences and listen and share my passionate emotions. im extremely passionate about trans women fucking winning at life. and i know that cis women, men, every non trans woman always tries to stop me and my sisters from winning at every fuckin turn! damn! that sux!! but we have to deal with it, forreal, like, we can and will win by ourselves. nobodys gonna help us, as fucked up as that is, we have to make our own lives and come into our own resources and contacts and happiness and safety. but i know we can. and i know that cis women especially, who are very sneaky and try to pull like 10 fast ones on us a minute, (how do they do that) can be soooo harmful for us. anyway indulge me and just try not really focusing or contributing to cis womens or “transgender” movements et cetera et cetera cuz it’s the way2go. focus on yourself, real life, not theory, (like not theory as a huge major thing in your life its totally fun as a hobby, just dont let it control how you like, relate to people! cuz i see that a lot), your sisters, and winning. dont put your energy towards movements that really, honestly, will never be able to truly see you as human and give you any support or benefit whatsoever. jeez why’d i write this post this is so long wtf i never go on tumblr ok bye girls♥♥♥

dont believe the hype, bitches are the lowkey fbis sis !! ♥♥♥

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t-shrt · 4 years

Text

100 q tag

no one wud read it but ima do it anyways cos fun tag by @dubblebubble

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal than milk cos i love tht crunchy crunch

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? LOVE

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? receipts, pen lol

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee=basic latte/hot tea, no sugar

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? sometimes, not too often tho

6: do you keep plants? no but i want to but ill be terrible at it so no

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? digital art

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? yes very it keeps me sane

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side/back, back esp nowadays

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? lots lol

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth? hahahah it used to be jupiter cos i loved sailor jupiter as a child

13: what’s something that made you smile today? friend + nct + fics

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? two separate bedrooms, a balcony, good amount of plants, separate fridge for alcohol, sizeable kitchen

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! it rains diamonds in jupiter and saturn $$$$

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? bolognese hahahaha im boring

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? i just dyed my hair a darker ash brown n i quite like it ive been light for awhile

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. one came 2 mind cos we both recently talked ab it, a longtime close friend of mine n i used to have the biggest fight where he threw me a pair of scissors n i threw him a basketball in retaliation lmfaooo it still became a running joke more than a decade later...

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? not really...prolly shud

20: what’s your favorite eye color? i actually like brown hahah, maybe a slightly lighter shade of brown

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it was a gift from my parents, a simple small messenger bag with a lot of slots, brought it with me literally everywhere, during my hookups, my night outs, been stained with questionable things (its been cleaned lol!).... almost lost it in a club only to be found by a friend... it has foundation stains tho lol

22: are you a morning person? n o

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? sleep, listen to music, watch stuff, not reply to messages

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? no

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? nothing rly comes to mind but im p sure ive been somewhere like tht lol

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? LOL my adidas superstars

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? ermm the red colored ones?

28: sunrise or sunset? hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm very good question

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? hmm what comes to mind is the way both of us sometimes exchange goodnight msgs w nct farm emojis heheeh

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? lol ofc....

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. unfortunately im rly basic on socks, u wud most likely find me wearing black ankle socks or black ballet(?) socks nothing more nothing less.......

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. a lot has happened usually during that time lol. duno which story to pick honestly hahahah. i think a memorable one might be when we were drinking n played games and we talked and talked and joked n nek min one by one we fell asleep in the same room hahah... im sure there are other stories tht might be more eventful but fr the life of me my memorys fuzzy rn lol

33: what’s your fave pastry? i love strawberry shortcakes! or mille crepes

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? i kept a LOT hahah. prolly named a few, but nothing was too special. i think it rly reflected how i managed my relationships then, n evn yrs aftwds, like i ws always lonely n my instincts were to gain quantity cos deep down i cudnt trust ppl n cudnt get too committed lololol

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? i wish i was cos sometimes ppl wud make pretty colorful notes, but i usually just buy ones tht i wud use cos practicality.

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? mmmmm is it cheating if i say nct cos they cover a range of genres lmao. but their ballads i guess yeah.

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i mean i prefer to keep it clean, but its always really messy HAHAHA ;_;

38: tell us about your pet peeves! 1. someone rude 2. someone who doesnt know how to respect others’ boundaries 3. someone self-entitled n takes themselves 2 seriously

39: what color do you wear the most? black on black on black on black baby

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? an evangelion ring, its the black (lilith) moon with lcl gem in it, to me i guess symbolizes my struggle with human relations, n how eva as an anime illustrated tht n the fantasy of having everyone’s consciousness merged into one--n the fact that lilith in itself (in astrology) signifies the darker side of a human being? i guess n the fact that evn if u acknowledge ur darker side u cud still use it to further urself

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? hmmmm i guess last was a self help book, unfuck your boundaries, helped me support my need to strengthen my boundaries

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! little rogue :) its in a small alleyway, a little quaint shop, easy to miss... small potted plants, with an amaaazing matcha latte

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? siiigh a guy i was involved with lmfao i cut him off tho

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? hmmmmm good question i guess lately ive been very thankful tht i could feel comfortable taking my own time and space, n accepting the positive energy others wn give 2 me. being single really, really does help evn tho id feel lonely sometimes, bc the only weight i carry is the weight of my own soul n i wn learn how to nourish that

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? very i think

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. i have a lot HAHAHA if u were a friend of mine ud prolly get tired of them. a genuinely bad one wud be haha youre so punny lmfao

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? nothing rly lmao if theyre healthy n someone derives happiness frm it i wudnt want it to be banned

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? probably not lol, i mean i think i retained similar fears since i ws a kid but now obviously my biggest fear(s) would be more...specific to me

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? its the digital age baby spotify ftw (in all srsness i wish i collected vinyls tho hh)

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? i used to collect ramune bottles lmaoooo

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? hmmmm nah lets not do this right now lol

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? LOL too many but i love shitpost quality memes tbh

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? pulp fiction. i actually loved it, i think i still do, its entertainment value is kickass, havent taken the time to dissect it in any other way

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? oh man i think it ws the dude i ws seeing lmao fk him

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? a lot, n most of them im not proud of, cos some involves self harm

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? kindness n genuineness, someone’s courage in being vulnerable

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? dont feel like it rn but everytime i do 10/10 will dramatically reenact the lyrics right to the guitar riffs

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? im definitely the wine (aunt) lmfaooo im already one tbh

59: what’s your favorite myth? Eros + Psyche, Icarus and the sun

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? i love poetry hahah...cant think of any rn

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? id love any gift given 2 me as long as they wont harm me or anything lmao n i dont think ive evr given anything too stupid. well.. idk if this is stupid tho like i sent flowers thanking my ex for ‘helping me live’ well aft we’ve blocked each other off cos the end to the relo was js daaamn toxic lmao

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nope

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music i do spotify n im pretty particular ab organizing my playlists i guess. my books im alright with as long as theyre just stacked properly no problem

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? prolly rly dark blue cos its 12 am

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? a lot tbh cos ive rly been focusing on stuff internally

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? daisies, sunflowers, n baby breath here n there

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? somber i guess maybe a tad bit nostalgic?

68: what’s winter like where you live? heeella cold not cos of the temperature itself but the winds thooo, if it drizzles evn in the slightest it feels like needles piercing through ur bones literally

69: what are your favorite board games? i like the game of life, ummm cards against humanity?

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no n never will lol

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? the fruity kinds

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yea def lol

73: what are some of your worst habits? disappearing from people when i feel strong emotions

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. they’re small but they’re so full of love, full of life, full of strength, and full of care for others, they’re the type of person who will seek their goals till the end despite obstacles and still be able to not lose their warm heart on the way. they put so much thought and care to every aspect of their life even when in the past they have been handed some bad things, and i adore them for that.

75: tell us about your pets! none :( wish i have a cat though

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? hahahhaah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink!

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither sometimes i think theyre weird sometimes cute sometimes weirdly cute lmao

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? write up 24 things they love about me to stop me from hating myself

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? white. no but if i had to id say white anyways lol cos its a blank canvas

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. i dunno uhhhh her rounded eyes which seemed to at first glance, harbor plenty of wonder seemed to be weighted by many untold secrets, the traces of which could be found when she erupts into laughter where the wonder would manifest itself in the form of small stars in the dark of her eyes.

82: are/were you good in school? meh. i try

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? weirdly i like cigarette after sex’s one cos its so simple yet telling

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? planning on getting an evangelion one, another heart one, a sunflower one, and prolly a ghibli related one

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? manga? naruto 4evr LOL

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? hmmm thinkin of dpr live’s IAOT

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? lord of the rings, harry potter, one of ghibli movies lol

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? i think impressionism is very cool evn tho i dont do it myself

89: are you close to your parents? eeeeee

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. Melbourne is a wonderful city where many things could coexist in one--happiness and sadness, camaraderie and loneliness, hot and cold, quiet and full of life, productive and relaxed, bursting with unfocused energy yet incredibly organized, and for many reasons it’s become one of my favorite cities, and definitely my favorite to live in.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no plans tbh lol maybe home?.......japan? heheheh nahhh

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? it depends lol mostly i guess drowns my pasta in cheese

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? i always wear it down, either straight or wavy

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? a friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? stay in most likely, do stuff

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? 100% procrastinate lmaoooo

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? ISTG, jkjk INFP, leo sun aquarius moon cancer rising, ravenclaw

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? im alws meh ab hiking tbh lmao

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. Long Slow Distance - NCT 127, Four - Sleeping At Last, idontwannabeyouanymore - Billie Eilish, Stop This Train - John Mayer, Digital Lover - Crush

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? 5 years into the past so she’d stop focusing her life around anybody else but herself

#tag #tag meme #tags

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