#Oooooof that was worth it

[fareehaandspaniards]

In case anyone was wondering, why my nickname is Fareeha AND some Spaniards, answer is right under the cut! (Since Tumblr is basically a diary, and I REALLY want to describe, tell, write down, draw and even put it in my blog) Long post ahead! Many screenshots, personal stuff, memes etc.

So you decided to read... Good :'D

It started with Dark Souls 3. The first game experience was very exciting. I spent for about 3 hours creating a character, dealing with a disgustingly made character editor, and they came out.... Simply terrible. Some chubby-cheeked femboy (I have nothing against it, even like it sometimes, but he looked really terrible) with a face like he wants to betray you right now, taking away your family castle and all your feudal possessions. What a waste of time… Also it was sad that I spent 3 hours in the game without starting it. Therefore, I deleted this character and hastily, literally in 5 minutes, created new one - I barely changed one of the in-game templates - slightly lengthened the nose (because big noses are an art); decided to take a hairstyle that would be a little feminine, but at the same time more or less practical - a bun :’D ; made a slightly more stern appearance and it turned out that he was very attractive! There was a problem with the name, but then I also took the first one that came to mind - Esteban. I took the Deprived class because I couldn’t decide who I want him to be and I also wanted to try the so-called “most difficult class,” which turned out to be the most comfortable.

During the game I fell in love with him so much exactly the way he was - and he turned out to be a little frivolous, jester, Casanova, just a handsome guy in my favorite armor of the Black Knights (those devils look INCREDIBLE and make me squeal) and funny older brother of my husband's character.

Tbh now I see that I am making a kind of a doll game out of Fromsoftware games, as it was in childhood - all my characters have their own story, relationships, preferences and strong family bonds lmaooo Why not (I won’t stop)

Esteban was the first "Spaniard". Playing with him as my avatar was incredibly fun - numerous deaths were not perceived so hard, there were LOTS of funny moments, I was scolding Esteban, amusing my husband… In general - we became close, and for a long time finishing the game I could not calm down and was talking about him too much (I genuinely don’t know how my hubbo puts up with me). I was drawing, even wrote a fanfic. And since I LITERALLY CAN’T live without a romantic story, Esteban was the first simp of Prince Lothric and a little bit of Orbeck and Fire Keeper xdd

After DS3, we started Elden Ring. There I created Miguel - also a spaniard, Wretch, cheerful, but more mischievous and feminine than Esteban. I couldn't stop changing his appearance for a very long time until I found something that suits Miguel and fully reflects his character. I really liked Gideon Ofnir, well, really, really liked, but Miguel didn’t share my interest, and I couldn’t really ship them (except for a few explicit drawings :’D). Miguel stayed with Ranni, whom I love dearly, and I started the game again, with a new character. I created a girl. She turned out to be french and received the name Fiquet, and she not only gave me inspiration to finally write a fanfic about her and Gideon, but also brought me mental satisfaction because I finally took the Sorcerer class and spent the entire game killing enemies so easily (except for Mogh and Malenia) with a few hits, without tactics, thinking or other crap. Fiquet, my girl Q_Q

I miss them, enjoy the pics of them

Hello, sir :^)

After Elden Ring we started DS1, where Ramon was created in the same way, and also Jose in DS2 (I didn’t go further than Majula, I can’t help it - I don’t like this game. The desire to continue appears only because of Jose, who is my funniest character I think)

Ramon as his is. No screenshots of Jose, he jumped of a cliff and now looks kinda bad lol...

So it became a tradition to start the game with pathetic (I mean his class xd) spaniard and continue with girl (although I have only Fiquet for now. Others are not much remarkable). That’s how Guillermo was created for playing Bloodborne! I already did absolutely everything I could in BB (I even created a female character to come to Edgar so choir boy won’t be so sad :'D), but Guillermo remains with me - kind, sweet, a little nervous, like an angel from vintage postcards (I see him that way xD), caring, kind of mother figure, confident in his rightness, responsive and sensitive, but at the same time with an impenetrable moral shield (I mean, it’s impossible in any way hurt his feelings). I brought him together with Micolash (not surprising, I guess), came up with a tragic and romantic story for them and an AU with a continuation of the plot after the squid hunter ending for a happy end, endowed him with the blessing of Kos and gave him a backstory. There is something attractive about it when a man receives the blessing of a female deity who protects women - it says a lot about him as a more feminine person on the inside than he appears on the outside.

When I imagine any cool plot with Guillermo x Micolash, I feel like

Guillermo in case if you hadn't see him already:

You know, all my oc x canon look like that

(my OCs are always sort of Sportacus for their loved ones lol And also their loved ones are almost every time evil and edgy)

With all this I want to say that my spaniards and Fiquet have probably become like children to me... I love them, I continue to write about them, they are an integral part of my perception of games, and yes, this is probably really a peculiar need to play with dolls at my age xd Maybe that's why Guillermo wears Doll's gloves, Esteban enjoyed wearing Zullie the Witch's dress and gloves (with ADORABLE manicure yknow!!!) and etc lol...

Thanks for reading! I love to tell stories (As you may guessed lol), tho it take a plenty of time to translate it. Love yall

#personal stuff #Oooooof that was worth it #I just need to spread love for OCs #who will love them if not their creator #I mean we are like a Gehrman for a Doll #Pls love your OCs they deserve best and also to be published #fromsoftware games #original characters #bloodborne #dark souls 3 #darks souls 1 #elden ring #my story #game screenshots #my art

[theneighborhoodsave]

WIP for the first home in Pendula View, a historical Victorian mansion for the Williams-Hirose Family. This shell was oooooof... so complicated! It took me a majority of my day to work out all of the elements. I'm confident it's going to be beautiful when it's finished and totally worth the effort!

#sims 4 #ts4 #ts4 simblr #sims community #simblr #ts4 build #sims build #build wip #sims wip #show us your builds #sims builds #sims builder #ts4 house #the sims 4 #the sims community #ts4 screenshots #work in progress

[wanderingblindly]

Would love to hear about Charles x Max twitch!

oooooof ok this is one that I haven't touched since summer -- I love the idea, but I don't think I got the character motivation and pacing right when I started it.

The general concept is F1 Driver!Max x Student and Aspiring Stream!Charles

Max finds his stream while drunk after a party, immediately thinks he's the most beautiful man he's ever seen (valid), and leaves him a massive donation to buy a simracing set up.

Internet strangers to besties to lovers plotline commences, which includes some sort of shenanigan around Charles meeting Max in a Professional Simracing capacity and Max is like 'HAHAHA YES WE HAVE NEVER MET SO NICE TO MEET YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME YES"

Snippet below the cut, though I'm sure I'll totally rewrite this entire thing eventually (see: pacing and tone and characterization revamp)

Charles asks about what Max is up to, but never enough to pressure him. Their relationship is inherently lopsided – a man that willingly puts a public persona on the internet and a man seeking anonymity in his shadow. Max doesn’t mention which countries he’s traveling to and from, not wanting to risk Charles putting the pieces together in light of his renewed interest in racing. They hadn’t discussed F1 yet, keeping conversation strictly to esports and their personal lives, but it isn’t a chance worth taking. 

Pins_a_Roulettes: oh!!!!!! i raced for the first time on stream this week!!!!!!!!!!!!

RedLine: And???

Pins_a_Roulettes: … 

Pins_a_Roulettes: i didnt say i raced well, first of all

RedLine: That bad? 

RedLine: loser lol

Pins_a_Roulettes: you come into MY discord and ATTACK me?????

RedLine: Maybe it’s a good thing I’m busy rn 

RedLine: You’ll need some practice before you race me 

Pins_a_Roulettes: YᴏU’ʟʟ NEᴇᴅ SᴏMᴇ ᴘRAᴄTɪᴄE BᴇFOʀE YᴏU RᴀCE ᴍE

RedLine: How did you even do that

Pins_a_Roulettes: 🫥

#I accidentally sort of made this Max and my All the Stars Max too tonally similar #so I'll revamp this heavily one day #because I still like the concept a lot tbh #lestappen #WIP #ask me :)

[shibe-myths]

ANGST TIME! Ro reaction to the mc getting all dressed up for a date but it’s with someone else?

Oooooof, Poor ROs. I'm gonna assume this is in the crush stage. And as I write this. I'm starting to realize that some of these romance options have more red flags than I knew.

Lady B: She hides her feelings well, going out of her way to use the opportunity to help the MC get ready. Be that doing their makeup, picking out their clothes, smothering the mc with words of advice. Anything to have that extra bit of time. And when the MC leaves, she tasks one of the Masked Mercers into watching your every move.

Bernie: They can't quite hide the fact that they're disappointed. Pouting slightly as they appraise the MCs outfit. Sticking closer than they should, never straying as the MC gets ready. Hell, bernie would even take the time out of their day to chat with the MC's intended date. Threatening them in such a way that it would go over most people's heads. But, if you look closely, there is an EDGE to their gaze. As if the only thing on their mind is to rip that rat bastard to shreds.

You never do go on that second date... hmm.

Laz: If Laz has an interest in the MC, I can see them downright blackmails your date into bailing. And it will work, trust me. As the hours would tick by, Laz would go out of their way to ensure that you end up despising that jerk by the end of the night. And then, like a good friend, they'll curl up unreasonably close with some shitty romance novels and sweets.

To help with the heartache of course.

Amyntas: He outright BITCHES the entire time. Finding anything and everything wrong with your date. All the way down to the way they breathe. (Its just so fucking annoying, ya know). By the time that douchebag decides to show their face. He's puffed up worse than a cat. Pacing up and down the halls, half ready to go feral.

And he will go feral if let loose.

Bishop: He does nothing that night, maybe wish you luck. Stays up late to make sure you get home safe. But when you've come back? Safely tucked in bed? He forces Indie to go find your date for details. Every last one. He has to know.

That his ideas of seducing you are better than theirs.

Indigo: She's pulling out the wine and fancy oud. Serenading the MC as they get ready. Fluttering about with all her bits and bobs. Letting her magic slip in here and there until the MC is practically vibrating with excitement. And then she sends them off to have their fun. Like any sane, rational woman whose secretly madly in love with their friend would do. She isn't jealous, she swears.

Okay maybe a little.

Peri: Bold of you to assume that Peri isn't already your date.

here's the secondary romances.

Asha: She laughs and asks if you'd like her to spare your date a plate. What? You're obviously not going out THIS late at night. Besides, Flin wants to bake cookies with you. And how could anyone refuse that lil dragon pout?

Lace: Spends the entire time that the MC is getting ready, getting progressively more annoyed at the fact that your date didn't think to invite your beloved sugar baby along. He's the prettiest boy in the whole of Ibereli gods damn it. He should ALSO be wined and dined!

Somehow your date ends up as their own third wheel, trapped in a crippling amount of debt as Lace drags you about the bazaar. Happy to be spoilt like the prince they truly aren't

Ribbon: She straight up asks if she could possess your date so that you two could ruin the fool financially. If that doesn't work she'll give a lecture about knowing your worth and to keep an extra blade on you, just in case.

The stranger: Wishes you luck, but otherwise ignores you for the rest of the night.

#lichask #lich gate #romance options #secondary romance #because I love lace and asha so much #peri #perierat #ribbon #stranger #lace #asha #ladyb #amyntas #bernie #bishop #indigo

[schnaf]

I kinda want to ask you all of them, but these are my favourites: 5, 10, 11 and 25 for the End of the Year Asks ✨

OOOOOOOH i would have been fine with that too ♥

5. TV show of the year?

oh godddd ironically i didn't watch any tv series this year (or at least i didn't finish any or it wasn't worth remembering i guess)....... but oh i've got a web series i guess? i got into UNHhhh this year and it became my comfort show ♥

10. Something that made you cry this year?

wOW before i looked up this question, i was still dwelling on that time on the train when i cried the whole time and then i saw there was a new episode of UNHhhh and it actually made me stop crying for 15 minutes ♥ i cried many, many times this year......... well, every year and it won't change next year i guess (except i donate my tear glands to science). i mostly cry out of frustration or anger, sometimes i'm straight up sad i guess, but i'm going to pick something nice and that's said train trip. it was the day after a concert and the concert was so neat and i was so happy and the next day.............................. i just cried for hours. because i missed it i guess? because i wanted to go back? but not even in a sad sense, in a "it's gone now and who knows when it will happen again". it was a lot.

11. Something you want to do again next year?

once again, i can refer to the previous question 😭 i want to see bands i love live again. luckily, i already bought tickets for january. (HOW AM I GONNA HANDLE IT WHEN ALL OF MY CONCERTS ARE OVER) i also want to go to london again which is connected to the january tickets. and i'd love to write a lot again ♥

25. Did you create any characters (in games, art, or writing) this year? Describe one

OOOOOOF. so i don't have many actual oc's, most of them aren't worth mentioning. (i gave one of my main characters a little sister tho and i'm quite content with her because she's bitchy but also lovely) but hm in the big fic i started this year i have a set of besties and i love them and their dynamics ♥ one of them is rational, the other one emotional but the rational one can be really soft and the emotional one really mean. they're really close and even when they spend more time with their boyfies, they still don't let go of each other ♥

thank you so much! ♥

End of the year Asks

[defenestratin]

Would your sidestep be more upset if the Rangers accepted they turned evil or assumed they were brainwashed?

OOOOOOF this is a good question omg!!!! I hope you don’t mind me just GOING here 👁👁

Mal would be upset in both circumstances but for different reasons, both involving the notion of choice.

For the latter, he’d sympathize in a way because he at least has something bigger, more tangible to hate, where he can direct his anger without any second thoughts. Brainwashing he can handle, he knows then they aren’t in control, but the former…

If the Rangers were to accept they turned evil then that’s a conscious choice they make, and while Mal’s morals are in a bit of a flux, this would muddy the waters of what he considers worth fighting for. It’s not that he didn’t believe the Rangers were good, he definitely did during his time as Sidestep because they made him BELIEVE in something, and a part of him still believes that they are doing their best to be good. There’s a parallel there to himself being seen as evil but for Mal the root of his anger in this case would be “I’m fine being the bad guy, but you didn’t have to be”. He believes that there’s good in the world, even if it isn’t meant for him, but he can’t deal with the idea of that good thing being fake and tainted. In that case, what was the point of it all?

Thank u for the ask!!! Have a couple of Mals for asking about him!

#ask #anonymous #fhr #i love talking about Mal he’s SO complicated and yet so simple I love him #pls ask me more abt him #he lives in very black and white morals and he can’t bear to think about the gray #sou talks things #doodle #Malcolm reeves

[epersonae]

five fic friday #2

I'm actually continuing to do this as promised! Here are five more fic from my bookmarks; no particular order or rationale, just stuff I like.

Bark and Bite (M, 74K) by @amuseoffyre - retelling of S1 wherein Ed is a vampire and Stede is a werewolf, and in which there are other various supernatural creatures. it's WILD to me how well this works with the canon story. it's tremendously good, and oooooof ending with the S1 ending is a lot. to be honest, one of the things I'm going to be looking forward to for S2 is if Fyre continues this to match!

Disruptors (T, 11K WIP) by @yerbamansa - modern/social media AU with Ed and Stede as tech entrepreneurs in the bay area, which honestly? probs the closest thing to piracy in our day and age. I have enough people in my life in or adjacent to this world that I find this concept fascinating and hilarious (and done quite well so far; CJ as a blockchain guy is (a) objectively correct and (b) the funniest goddamn thing). SMAUs seem to me to often be better at setup than follow-through, but I think this one has got itself well set to be a solid story. (they also have a strange and lovely time travel AU that is worth a read)

kissing is what lovers do (and we're not lovers) (series, E, 43K WIP) - I know I said I wasn't going to include things that were primarily smut, but I'm in love with this series as an exploration of feelings???? the first five works are canon compliant with the premise of "they're going at it whenever the camera isn't on them but pretending it doesn't mean anything." there's something about the whole "this is just what pirates do, right??????" that is hilarious and somehow tender while being, yeah, ok, it's good smut. and then the sixth fic takes us into canon-divergence in a way that makes perfect sense, and I'm very curious where it's going.

In So Many Words (E, 68k WIP) - starts as a canon retelling in which Stede assumes Ed can't read and Ed goes along with it for a while in order to spend more time together. a lot of fascinating literary analysis. also some wacky horny bullshit in the same vein as the previous recommendation. (listen. there is a trope there that just, listen, don't @ me.) then transitions to a S2 fic with more feelings and literary analysis (I really do wonder if a better Brit Lit 1 prof would have gotten me to be more interested in Paradise Lost) and Ed doing a pretty fucking good job of working through his issues. I'm excited for more of this one.

Ghosts (T, 3165) - in the "Ed visits the Bonnets post-canon" genre, but it's him going to Stede's grave and finding a weird little girl. just a lovely little story.

Heads up, next week is Sad Week so there's a chance I won't get around to this, but who knows, maybe I'll schedule it out early with some of the first things I read and loved in this fandom.

#ofmd #ofmd fic #our flag means death fanfic #our flag means death fanfiction #five fic friday

[dangermousie]

One of the reasons this relationship has a chance is that unlike Dilruba, Efnan will never hide away and confront things head on, forget pride, masks or fear. Aziz, much as I adore him, is a genuinely difficult man to live with, and he has a tendency to clam up in his hurt feelings and his disappointment and just withdraw and if you let him, because you don’t want a confrontation or because you think he should start or because of pride, it would fester forever. Efnan will never let that happen - she confronts things immediately and head on.

Yes!!! This is what is needed and I cannot imagine D doing this.

She lays it out so plainly and while she doesn’t blame him for part of her hurt, she doesn’t hide it either.

His bitterly asking this from her is actually a good sign because it means she broke through his shell. They might end up having an epic fight but this actually means they are actually talking, and expressing their feelings - you cannot work things out if you don’t express yourself.

Bwahahahaha jealous unreasonable Aziz cracks me up! Better than frozen hurt coldness though. Go off, drama king!!!!

And he’s finally spilling everything out. Honestly, in between all the plot about revolts and business and family backstabbing, I love how the show slowly and gradually and believably is teaching these two people how to have a functional relationship - he is way older than she is but he’s not even as good at close relationships as she is - with Dilruba they were the gilded perfect couple with no fights or depth before his flight and permanently out of sync after, with Efnan it all feels real - he put her on a pedestal before but that is not healthy; if they make it past this (and they are the OTP, of course they will), it will not be ideal unreal but actual based on reality. She is not a literal angel,she is a very good woman who will nonetheless occasionally drive him mad and make mistakes and etc etc and that’s fine; you cannot expect perfection and then blame the other person for your disappointment. But you can expect a loving person and you can expect to fight and make up. I think this is teaching them that. Because they haven’t had a single fight since they got together; they’ve been in blissed out paradise (even when he walked out during the engagement, he explained and they made up without fighting) and this is actually perfect - because they are both wrong and she’s not a wronged saint and neither is he.

Aaaaaa and now this is out!!! I am glad it wasn’t dragged out but the fight is about to get bigger. (But also, how telling that even after all this, it didn’t occur to him she lied about the telegram too. He really does have a lot of faith in her.)

Oooooof! But he’s also starting to clam up again because that’s his default reaction to being hurt... which is vvvv bad.

But I love that she won’t let him walk off and freeze her out...he has understandable trust issues in general and has a right to be mad here but she is not as wrong as he makes her out to be either and I love that she will fight. He’s difficult and prickly and closed off (and I love that the show does not make him perfect) but she just smashes through everything with a hammer.

(his face at her words because he knows she is right...)

And now she’s the one walking off and he calls for her and I lose it because he clearly cannot be without her - he does not want her to leave and it’s not just because he loves her and cannot be without her and now the concept of her walking away (even if for a bit) is real, he does not want it, but because it means she got through to him - man who walls himself off as a reaction to hurt or anger or disappointment does not want to do so because he realizes none of this matters in light of her loving him and his loving her and basically without meaning it, she proved their relationship is worth it because she didn’t let himself close himself off but fought for him and for them, and I don’t think anyone ever did before, Dilruba retreating in light of his spikes or putting out her own, his family at best just going “oh, it’s Aziz, he’s crazy, we are not going to deal with it rn” etc. But here is someone who is fighting with him while loving him - hell fighting with him because she loves him and she’s fighting for them and I bet it’s novel as hell.

And then the French show up, boo!

#aziz #turkish tv

[imjustwritingg]

I haven't watched live since 10x12 because of the absurd time I have to wake up hasn't seemed worth it. But now that I am actually looking forward to an episode and hoping that trusting the goddamn process pays off, 5am wake up call it is 🙂

Oooooof. You’re a warrior for that. I hope it’s worth it for you and for all of us pal!!

[tortoisebore]

hi tortoise! WHAT. A. CHAPTER!!!!! i’m still blown away by it that i can’t even be coherent about it. it was so SO worth the wait - the angst was 🤌🏻 (made me teary, thanks for that), the doorway moment 🥵 (don’t want to spoil it for those who have yet to read this masterpiece!!) and the ending 🥹🥹🥹 run, sirius run!! already can’t wait for chapter 7 (but ofc, take your time, do life and all that) 💕 ps. basketball remus may be one of my favs ever

AAAAAAAAAAAA im so glad you liked it 😭😭😭

the angst was soooo angsty i didn’t mean for it to be that sad but oooooof. poor little guys. but we’re on an upward slope now!! in fic time it’ll all be resolved in the matter of an hour!! they are too obsessed with each other to be upset for long, your honor!! they’re in love (basically)!!

i cant cant cant wait for u to read chapter 7 🫶 it’s alllllll fluff from here on out

#u ask tortoise answers #chapter 6 trauma

[jeonqkooks]

I really want to know what made obs jk leave in the first place that he now has to suffer through this ????!!! Nail biting for real ! I feel bad for him after reading the recent chapter, but it honestly makes me wonder even more why did he leave 😭 does he think it was worth it or needed ???

Also you had said in an earlier response that he wasn't expecting to see oc again. This makes me sad again </3 like did he ever plan to come back or leave her for good with no reason ???? is he only coming back because oc is finally moving on and forgetting him ?? IM SO SCARED 💔💔💔💔

Love this though thank you sm for sharing your writting with us <333

bestie i've been writing this scene in my head (which still counts as writing !!!!!! 🤐) for the jk chapter where he decides that he has to go and oooooof y'all are gonna Feel for homeboy 😔

he wasn't ever planning to see her again!! and it just happened bc jin demanded to have oc working on his album so i guess we have world wide handsome to thank 😗

thank you so much for reading !! lyyyy ☺️

#re: our beloved summer #anon #answered

[aintmyjewelry]

top 5 og red album lyrics?

oooooof this one took some thought!

"kiss me try to fix it / could you just try to listen?"

"time won't fly it's like I'm paralyzed by it"

"nothing safe is worth the drive" 😩

"all i know is we said hello / so dust off your highest hopes"

"so you were never a saint and i loved in shades of wrong"

ASK ME MY “TOP 5/TOP 10” ANYTHING

[satans-codpiece]

Okay so I proved myself wrong, about me saying I'm dropping everything I'm doing to read your stuff. I found out about Eleven Years Chpt. 5 in the morning and had to go to work RIP. Needless to say I was very distracted and as soon as I got home I got ON IT-

Bit of a shame for my wireplay obsessed ass you didn't go a bit harder on that but GOd it was still hell of a ride. Reader getting handsy after the fucking and Ram not handling it well™ was.... oooooof. I'm so normal-

I guess since I got on the EY hype train, mind if I just, go nuts a little more??? I could be biased here cuz Ramram, but HOW did you actually, genuinely make me feel sad for the captor in a Stockholm syndrome scenario????? HELLO???? What wizardry did you pull to do that??????? Like yeah Ram kidnapped reader and is lowkey torturing them without fully realizing it, but he's so awfully genuine with everything else????????????

And just. Okay slightly late to the party but in chpt. 4, the conversation about Ram being afraid of touch both to not accidentally harm reader AND the reputation of his model is just....... When I read that, my reaction could only be described as going absolutely fucking feral. Bro do not EVER worry about characterization again because jeSUS CHRIST-

I actually ended up showing that set of paragraphs to a friend that isn't in this fandom much (likes a different hero a whole lot and is loosely aware of everyone else, kind of like me actually lol) aaaaand their reaction was pretty much the same as mine-

And to not ignore what you replied with my last anon ask bc lordy I'd feel bad: ... I mean.... if you wanna build up to a big piv scene.... *glosses over your WIP list* I can see Hanakaki going there pretty easily, without all the painful emotional mindfuckery that comes with kidnapping...

LMAO I feel like Blizz employees (the creative art-related team, to be more accurate) are not really allowed to interact with fandom so their ideas don't get influenced by fanon and therefore the company does not get accused of stealing ideas or whatever. BUT, here's a funny idea... since these people write fanfiction that is actually canon... Can you imagine someone writing out their dirtiest fantasies and said writing having to be actually archived at Blizz because intellectual property LOOOOOL-

soBBING THAN K YOU this was such a delight to open my inbox to!!!

hehehe for what it's worth, if I do end up writing the prequel there will be a bigger focus on wireplay (given that it's before he's made any modifications to himself) :3c

but ah I'm so glad you sympathized with Ramattra because that's exactly what I wanted!! He's done something awful- is doing something awful- but he's doing it because he loves you so much. Everything he's done, he's done because he's had a hard life and you were one of so few good things he's had. I really wanted the reader (ie the real people not the stand in character) to have... complicated feelings about this version of Ramattra.

and ;_; thank you... being OOC is truly just my nightmare of writing, I need my blorbos to be perfectly canon-aligned (or explicitly AU'd) or I'll die.

but in particular fjdshg yes! When Ramattra was actually striving for peace, he had to work against such heavy biases against him simply because of his model (both the vendor in Nepal and Nameless make comments on him being an r-7000 as soon as he meets them), so he must be acutely aware that he is treated differently than other omnics.

HAHAHA it's SO funny of all my WIPs you mention hanahaki... because 1) Hanahaki is actually like 4 paragraphs from being done and 2) there isn't a shred of nsfw in it! I wrote it just to write some angsty pre-relationship stuff, but ultimately just is emotional porn, nothing physical.

Ah that's probably to some degree true! I'd love to see someone working w Blizz just. sit on all their nsfw fics and works until they quit and be like. 'haha yeah i JUST made all these. definitely not under contract w Blizz dont worry about it :>' [piles of concept Ramattra porn fall out of their jacket]

#kat answers

[lemongrad]

oooooof I made a giant batch of triple-chocolate cookies for my brother's birthday and as one is wont to do while baking, had a few cookies worth of dough and now tummy hurty

#hes turning 30 so i'm sending him thirty triple chocolate cookies #these cookies are just so rich its slightly obscene #in addition to cocoa powder and chocolate chips there is a POUND of melted chocolate in the dough. #its about two pounds of chocolate products in these cookies #mood

[dark-magical-ships]

Exodia, Obliterate the Fourth Wall!

Chapter Twenty

December 10, 2009

Oooooof. Well…. Today’s been busy, to put it mildly. We’re in that like three-week stretch between Thanksgiving break and winter break, so school’s a bit of a mess right now. Most of my classes are year-long, but Forensics is technically two separate, single-semester classes, so Ingraham has given us this big final project that is just. Amazing. Basically he dropped the dummy in the middle of the lawn in front of the school office building, set up a crime scene where the murder happened in the middle of the walkway between the 100 and 300 buildings with fake blood all over the walls and a friggin femur in the grass as the murder weapon, and a second crime scene where the victim was abducted? I think? Based on the evidence there, which is like in a shed that Construction Math built earlier this year. We have to identify the killer(s!) and reconstruct how the crime went down based on everything we’ve covered this semester, so basically fingerprint, hair, drug testing, and fiber analysis and also based on the interrogation and witness statements we get every like three days. Then we have to turn in a completed crime scene sketch and evidence list with our essay stating our case about who’s guilty and why. I love this class SO MUCH.

In all seriousness, today was busy but it was actually a lot of fun, at least in the afternoon! There was that Forensics final, to start with, but then after school was the highlight of the season: my friend Nick came over for his birthday!! I haven’t seen him in AGES, not since like last spring, I think… we’d planned to hang out over the summer, but what with my assumed insanity going on at the time, it just sort of never happened. We tried to make up for some of the lost time this afternoon. I guess it wasn’t exactly a huge birthday bash—just pizza and some rounds of Halo on the Xbox—but honestly it’s the most fun I’ve had in months. For once in my life, I could really let my guard down and not need to worry about what kind of impression I was making or just… any of that nonsense. Nick’s the only person I can ever really just be me around, the only person who literally never judges me, and he’s been my best friend for almost a decade… it’s just really nice to finally get some time to relax with a friend, you know?

Buuuuut as I’m sure you know by now, o nonexistent reader, this diary isn’t for just general blathering or logging the oh-so-fascinating life of the American highschooler. Nope, this diary is about the whole soulmate situation with Seto, so I guess it’s not hard to figure out why I’m writing today: some stuff happened on that front.

I just wish NIck’s birthday hadn’t fallen on a weeknight. I had to take him home at like 10:30 at night, and we only got to start the party at like 3 in the afternoon. I probably should have used more of the time that I spent being dead in Halo to get some of my homework done, but chose not to, so it’s been a very long night catching up… I guess I’m technically writing this at 3am on the 11th, but whatever. Point is, Seto obviously had some choice words for me during the drive home after dropping Nick back off at his house—and considering that the conversation lasted almost the whole 90 minute drive back home from Nick’s place, well. It was a long chat.

Nick was hardly out of the car before I felt Seto’s full attention on me, like a looming presence peering over my shoulder. «I was starting to think he was never going home,» he said dryly. «I guess it’s lucky for you, that you’ve mostly got review work tonight. Will you be able to finish it all without skipping school tomorrow this time?»

I snorted, still in too good a mood to get really annoyed, and didn’t bother answering him until I got back on the freeway. «I think so, yeah. It was worth the late night, though. I hardly ever get to see him.»

«Who is he, anyway? You sounded… different, around that one.»

I laughed lightly. «Yeah, well, people tend to act a bit different around their friends. Less guarded, more relaxed, telling jokes. You’ve seen Yugi with his friends enough times.»

«I’ve seen you with yours, as well. Yugi and his friends mostly act like a bunch of children, but you haven’t usually acted that way.»

«Meaning that I was acting like a child with Nick today?» I asked sharply. Seto didn’t answer, but the brief silence felt more like we were both rolling our eyes more than anything. After a moment, I just let out a short laugh. «Nah, you’ve got a point. Nick brings out whatever’s left of the inner child in me. I assume you’re referring to the duel group, but they’re not really… “friends.” We’re all just a bunch of kids who get together to play a game we like; we don’t know each other or hang out outside of duel meetups.»

«You went to the movies with one of them two weeks ago, and you had another one over at your house a few months ago.»

«Both were special cases,» I argued, exasperated. Why does he even think this is his business?? «They’re just hobby acquaintances. Nick’s the only actual friend I have, that’s all there really is to it.»

«Hn.»

Silence stretched between us for a long moment, but Seto didn’t recede from my mind. Something about his presence felt… oddly restless. And by that I mean like… more than usual. Like someone looking for a distraction, flipping irritably through TV channels, unable to settle on any one thing. It was very distracting, and I was trying to concentrate on traffic, so I decided to try continuing the discussion in the only way I could think of, which… was sort of putting myself out there, if I’m being honest. I usually consider myself to be sort of an open book, but the only subject that came to mind that was related to the conversation we’d just been having was one I try not to discuss openly.

On the other hand… well, I was the one who was bugging him about trust, right? It would be dumb of me to expect him to be willing to trust me with anything if I couldn’t let him in a little, too. I drew a deep breath and just laid it out in the open. «I… I figure it’s best to keep the number of people close to me small. As small as possible, really. I… suppose you of all people would understand that choice, huh?»

Seto scoffed. «Perhaps I would. I used to think friendships like Yugi’s got with his little circus were too fragile and unpredictable to be of any real use. Waste of time. Can’t say I blame you for opting out.»

I blinked a few times and nearly missed my exit; I had to hurry across a lane to catch it on time. «You used to think that?»

«I…» For the first time that I can really remember, Seto actually sounded a little consternated. Even chagrined. For a long time, he said nothing at all. I didn’t press him as I drove down the smaller highway toward home—it might have worked, but it certainly wouldn’t inspire confidence. When he finally continued the train of thought, some of the steel was back. «Don’t misunderstand me, Amy. I don’t know where I’d be today without Mokuba; he is everything to me. If I hadn’t been working toward building a better life for him, or if he hadn’t been there to help me when I needed it most…»

The edge to his voice faltered, and he trailed off again. I honestly don’t really remember ever hearing him quite so… disorganized, in his thoughts. It was kind of unnerving, really. Finally, he sent a sort of dismissive sound and doggedly pressed on. «Never mind, the past is what it is and there’s no point thinking about what-ifs. The point is, Mokuba is far more to me than I ever believed something as fragile as a “friend” could ever be. He’s my brother. But if I’ve learned anything from being stuck around Yugi and his band of idiots for the last couple of years, it’s that somehow, they have a bond that even I can’t deny is powerful. If nothing else, that connection is at least as strong a motivator for Yugi and Jounouchi as Mokuba is for me, and I don’t say that lightly. Obviously, it isn’t a waste of time for them.»

Stopped at a red light, I took a moment to chew on that comparison before answering, because like… honestly, that answer seemed strange for the Seto Kaiba I know from the ridiculous anime and manga I remember. I wish I could say that I remember what my full train of thought looked like now, so I could record it all here and come back to think on it more later, but sadly the hours of homework since this conversation kind of reduced it down to just the bare essentials in my mind…. And frankly, I’m not certain I’m really ready to devote too much serious thought to it. The main thing that occurred to me was that Seto hardly ever talks about Mokuba with me—and believe me, we talk basically every day, even if I don’t bother to write down every single conversation. And the more I think about this, and the like one other time Seto’s really even mentioned anything with Mokuba that I can recall, the more strange that seems considering just how important his little brother is to him. And the last time Seto mentioned his brother, it was to say that Mokuba refused to help him get Jounouchi off his back.

It was at this point that I decided to try something dumb and push Seto, just a little. «…Speaking of Mokuba…» I said carefully, easing my car back up to speed when the light turned green, «…how are things with you two? It’s been a couple of weeks, is he still—?»

«We’re fine,» Seto replied quickly, cutting across the end of my question. «Nothing comes between Mokuba and me.»

I waited a moment, but he didn’t elaborate. His presence on the edge of my mind felt… stormy. He often does, but in this case I mean more like the kind of storm with fitful winds that won’t settle on any particular direction, not the kind that just dumps rain and occasionally hurls lightning around like usual. «Seto…» I pressed again, gently, and he sighed irritably.

«Dammit. I know.»

He was silent again for another long moment. I get it, honestly… it can be really hard to force yourself to talk about stuff you don’t want to. When he continued speaking… it’s hard to describe what it sounded like. I wish I could see his face when we talk; maybe then I’d be able to make better sense of what emotion it is that I think I’m hearing. His voice went soft and rough, a little growly but not exactly angry. Frustration, maybe? Exhaustion? Maybe both. «I’m trying, Amy, you know I am. But this… is not easy for me.»

«No, really? Can’t imagine why,» I drawled, because I absolutely could imagine why. «Maybe there’s some way to make it easier?»

«I… maybe.»

Another long moment of silence. I wish I knew how he’s able to keep his thoughts to himself so consistently. Finally, he continued, his words coming slow and guarded. «Understand, Kaiba Corporation isn’t just a gaming company. We’re the world leader in the entire information and technology sector. We make your “Google” look like a joke. Taking my company to the top in that field is my doing. I know everything that goes on in Domino City; if there’s information to be found on anything in my world, I either have it already, or I know where to find it. But when it comes to this, the… connection that we’re stuck with….»

«There is no information for you to find. You’re stuck relying on me, and the joke that is “my” Google.»

«Exactly. And that doesn’t even begin to cover how incredibly uncomfortable it is to be tied to a complete stranger.» The more he talked, the more Seto’s train of thought seemed to be picking up speed—there was definitely frustration coloring his voice now. «You’re someone I know nothing about, and yet you know more about my life than… basically anyone, I think. You might even be able to give Mokuba a run for his money. That doesn’t sit well with me, Amy.»

My heart sank a little to hear this, I’ll admit. To be honest, I felt kind of guilty. It’s not like I have, or ever did have, any kind of control over the circumstances of how we met, but… he’s absolutely right. How many times have I sat here puzzling over what he might be thinking or what in his past might drive him to operate a certain way, or expect certain things from me as if I’d known him all his life? How many times has he thought about what must drive my choices and decisions? Nope, I finished writing that and laughed; as if he would waste time on sentimental things like that… but the point stands that of course that would feel unbalanced from his perspective, and that’s sort of the only answer I had when he pointed it out.

«Y’know what, that’s entirely fair. If things were the other way around…» I replied with a sigh, my fingers tapping on the steering wheel. «Well, look, you probably know more than you think. I mean, I doubt you can be psychically tethered to another person for, what, six, seven months? And come out knowing nothing about them. But, you’re right that we’re nowhere near even.» I bit my lip for a moment, but I really only saw one solution to the problem, so I just… went for it. «So, let’s do something about that. What do you want to know?»

Seto scoffed at me again. «You think a game of twenty questions is going to just magically make this work?» I didn’t answer, and he let out a frustrated sigh. «What the hell. Fine. Let’s get straight to the point, then. You know why I keep my distance from people: because I have Mokuba, and I don’t need anyone else. What’s your excuse?»

«Because I’m shit at picking friends,» I told him bluntly and without hesitation.

It’s reflexive, at this point: someone asks me a personal question, and I answer with the truth, but not the whole truth, dodging around whatever part of that answer might actually have the power to hurt me if it was turned back against me. My strategy that’s served me well ever since I first started using it. Only trouble is, it’s not the right answer to give to someone you’re trying to win over, and especially not the right answer to give your soulmate—whatever that word even means anymore.

I sighed. One of us had to accept a little vulnerability first. Might as well be me. «And because, like you, I learned very young that in the end, the only person you can ever truly trust is yourself. And unlearning that is… not easy for me, either.»

The space on this page is running out, and so is my time to sleep before school in the morning, so I won’t pour the whole story out in excruciating detail all over again. But Seto knows it now. The years of stupid playground bullshit, of useless adults who either failed to acknowledge that anything was going on at all or straight-up held me responsible for defending myself. The string of betrayals by kids I thought were friends of mine, one after another, until Nick was the only one left. The two years I spent practically unable to leave my house because the paranoia had gotten so bad, even after moving so far away that there was no reason to expect to ever see any of those kids again. The way my parents did nothing about any of it, except to enroll me in an online program during my two years spent housebound. And when I finally returned to public school for my first year of high school, the careful persona I crafted to wear when I had to be around my peers—polite, helpful, friendly, and yet distant and impersonal.

I can’t pretend that he was very empathetic about it. Actually, he called me a coward at first, and when I defended myself and pointed out that I had neither the benefit of anyone to protect me nor the physical ability to adequately protect myself—and was often straight-up disciplined for trying to—he tried to deflect by claiming he hadn’t asked for my whole life story. Well, joke’s on him, because he kind of did—he just didn’t realize it when he asked.

Fact is, I don’t really care that he reacted that way. He’s Seto friggin’ Kaiba, of course he’s going to react to a big emotional story like that by trying to shut me down with an insult. It’s his usual response to that kind of thing, and I get it because sometimes I wish I could pull that kind of shit. Easier to try to shut down the discussion than to deal with everything they just told you right there on the spot; then you can go think about it in private for an hour or a week or whatever, and apply it to how you deal with that person quietly. Easier if you don’t really talk about it, easier if you don’t have to confront your own sense of empathy—or the lack thereof, and what that might mean about you as a person. And often it’s easier to deal with an angry, offended person than one who’s hurting, too. And maybe I’m being a pushover, but I can’t really hold it against him. So sue me.

I just asked him if having that information, all that background information about my life, helped him at all with the sense of imbalance in the weird relationship we found ourselves stuck with. In typical Kaiba fashion, all he really did at first was grunt at me, saying nothing.

But he didn’t go away. I let the silence lie again, and he stewed in his thoughts for most of the rest of the drive. I was taking my exit for my hometown when he finally started to communicate again.

«It’s… difficult,» he said grudgingly, as if he had to force the words out through his teeth. «Mokuba and I haven’t been seeing eye to eye on certain things lately, and he… it’s harder to get things done without him around as much. Makes for a lot of days with worse headaches.»

«What d’you mean he’s “not around as much?” Is he okay?»

«It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with, Amy. We’ve weathered bigger storms than this one; I’m confident that it’ll blow over soon enough. He’s just having trouble seeing the bigger picture on something.»

«Uh huh…. Well, as long as he’s okay, I guess.» I said slowly, turning into my neighborhood. Right. Sure they have. I didn’t really buy his dismissive answer, but decided to let him go unchallenged for now. He was talking to me, at least a little, and that was progress. Right? I parked my car in its usual spot, and switched off the headlights and ignition, but didn’t get out of the car right away. I couldn’t help it; part of me knew it was probably the wrong move, but most of my instincts were demanding that I try for sympathy, so I continued. «For what it’s worth, I’m sorry you guys are having a hard time. You obviously miss him; it must be hard to have to deal with that on top of everything else.»

«I don’t need your pity,» Seto snapped harshly, and suddenly his presence was gone from my mind.

So… yeah. Wrong move. I sighed, dragged my sorry ass back into the house, and did my reviews alone. He hasn’t been back tonight, but I don’t really think he will be, not until tomorrow. And when he does come back, we probably won’t speak of tonight’s conversation at all.

I dunno. There’s a difference between sympathy and pity, a difference I can feel when I’m the one extending it, but… well, Seto’s not the only one who can’t really recognize the difference when it’s aimed in his own direction, so I can’t help but understand. Then again, maybe he just doesn’t know how to handle someone offering some form of genuine concern for his welfare without shooting them down, I dunno. Maybe I’m just being too much of a romantic again, wishing that this soulmate bond was something that it isn’t. All I know is that whatever this was tonight, it qualified as deserving to go in this ridiculous diary, so it’s here.

And… between you and me, ye-reader-who-doth-not-exist? I’m actually worried about him. Like, genuinely worried. Something is wrong between him and Mokuba, and… unfair as it may be to him to use that information, I think I know enough about their relationship to judge whether Seto’s likely to be handling that okay. And he won’t; he isn’t. And it’s causing problems, not just for him, but for our whole project.

I don’t really know what to do. I’m going to bed, and hopefully I can get some sleep before school in the morning.

#exodia obliterate the 4th wall! #amy writes #chapter 20

[readingwriter92]

Guess who found old torrents of haven!!! Ohhhhhh boy am I having a time!

Guys I can’t. This show is meeting all my standards. In the first ep Nathan was shit and almost hit by a car and then didn’t go to the hospital when explicitly told. 1 that’s literally all the tropes I love in characters. 2 this show is v nostalgic for me. I have spent the last 5 mins listening to the main piano theme bc damn if that ain’t something that was just in the back of my brain I don’t know what is

#it was worth vlc messing up like eight times while watchig it #like the audio would cut out and i dunno if its cause the files are seven years old or if vlc was just having a whole ass time but oooooof #soo good #i love it already and ive seen one ep