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jensenackle · 4 years

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so, falling in love? the greatest thing in the world. makes u feel invencible like you could swallow the entire world raw and nobody could stop you. You'd like to think you could go on and on forever talking about love but its been so long you dont even remember anymore

getting your heart broken? well that is something. at first you feel like its the end of the world. And you know what? it kinda is. not in the "im going to die because of this" way, but instead, its like you wake up from the haze and reality hits you in the chest so damn hard it takes your breath away. it is raw and the most painful thing in the world, to think the person you trusted and loved more than anyone just betrayed your trust and stabbed you in the back. its not that they're unfaithful the thing that hurts, not entirely, but rather that they knew it would hurt you, and they did it all the same. and then lied about it. And you know damn well that once you start telling lies you can never stop and now you're like a snowball tumbling down getting bigger as the moments pass by, but its all gonna come crashing down inevitably. its losing the trust you had put in that person and now you cant even believe your etes because nothing seems true anymore. Is the sky really blue? The grass green? Or am i just blind to the truth?

trying to work things out means forgiveness and apologies and forgetting and getting over. it truly means turning the page around, period. there's no other way, you can't bend this to work like you'd like. Because that's when things get ugly. And i mean really fucking ugly and you feel like you've lost yourself because suddenly you're acting like you've never have before, like you said you never would. And its new and terrifying and so bad and ugly you're scared you're stepping into the darkest version of you and you don't even recognize yourself.

you start asking yourself questions, like what have they done to me? but also what have i allowed people to turn me into? and also why? Mostly why. And you can't wrap your head around this, because life was like a bliss and you felt divine but now you feel like someone's attached an anchor to your ankle and thrown you to the deepest ocean and youre sinking and drowning and struggling, and you know life changes fast but why did it have to change to this? did i really deserve it?

but you didn't deserve it. The betrayal and feeling like dying and the depression and that one time when you first stepped outside your house in the aftermath, after weeks of being in bed and not sleeping at all barely eating and crying yourself to sleep, and you couldn't keep the tears from falling or the sobs from coming out your mouth because you were overwhelmed. You didnt deserve it, and you werent responsable for that either. None of it was your fault, and maybe the guilt of "what if i had done anything different?" will leave your body someday.

But it was them. They're the ones that screwed you over and then claimed to love you. You can understand now, though, that they're humans because we all are and we all make mistakes. But you can't forgive, him treating you like a fool and lying and going behind your back. You've never forgotten nor forgiven. And you had to get back at him didn't you? Had to have your revenge.

But he didn't deserve it either and that eats you up but you wont do anything about it because its not your place to do so. Because you'll try to justify yourself but you were in the wrong. Tried to convince yourself you were over and done, could fall in love again, and he wasnt a rebound. Nope, not all. He was the real thing. But you know now you were lying to yourself back then. He was convenient. And willing. And you kinda liked but you know he liked you a lot so you took advantage. I know its no fair putting it in those words, its not like you were conscious about what you were doing, so far down in denial, but its what you did anyway and now you have to own up to it. Now youve hurt a lot of people and yourself too, some didnt deserve it and some did, just because you tried to cover up your feelings. How did that work out for you, baby girl?

Getting back with an ex is a big no-no, you've learnt your lesson or you're starting to, trying to, wanting to. Because the shit thats in the past should fucking stay in the past. Its there for a reason anyway, digging it up will amount to nothing eventually. And im talking about feelings and emotions and situations and friendships and lovers. The whole deal. Whats dead should say well, dead. It died right? And trying to bring it back to life will make it morph into something new. But if youre lucky, like really fucking lucky, the new thing will be good and bright and beautiful. But if youre like me? Luck has never been on our side. And now the zombie will try to please you and you'll try to please him too until you find yourself reaching for the shotgun and pointing it right to them while they're coming for you.

Because the new is gonna be so exciting at first, like you've been missing out on life all the time you've been away from them like you finally can breath. But then the spell is over and reality hits you and guess what? It's ugly, obviously. It always was but you just didnt wanna see it but now the curtain is up and the blindfold is gone and you have to go and confront yourself and tell yourself the truth.

It'll be ages till you listen though. Denial, again. I kinda feel like that's become our thing. And nasty little habit, that is. And even when you finally start to listen, you will withdraw again. Reach out for the cover again. Because the truth is ugly and painful and you dont want that. You dont want to believe your fairytale love doesnt get happy ending, probably never will. And it will come crashing down and burning, like it has in the past, like you've so desperately tried to avoid. No one wants to face that

But life is what it is whether you like it or not and avoiding the inevitable will only make things harder and thats right - uglier. But maybe if you could hold on into that last bright thing... maybe you could fix it all. But you know you can't.

Too much shit has happened now. You've got baggage now. Not that you didn't have it before from your insecurities and years of teenage depression but it wasnt like this. Never like this. Back then you didn't like your self but you trusted your convictions and rules and now that you've done all the shit you said you wouldn't, who are you now? What do you believe in anymore? Do you believe in anything? Now you second guess.

You would have jumped had he asked. Would have done anything for him, and it sounds pretty but it isn't and you've lost yourself so damn deep you're never finding that again so it would be better to rebuild from scratch, right? But now you're longing and nostalgic for who you were, and what it was and how you felt. Like walking on clouds.

But then it hits you and you feel like you can't even breath: you don't feel like that anymore. And even if you want to turn your head away from this you can't. And now you have to do something. You owe it to yourself, after all. Can't waste more of her heart and time.

And it's a slow path. Bunch of rocks in the way. It's hard to walk and you keep turning back but keep walking forward because it's the only thing to do, even if you want to go back, and you want, but you cant. Hoping that you wont. Even if it hurts. For you.

And here we are at the end of things. The end of the world. The world you built for yourself and him that no longer will be and everything will die with it, the inside jokes and knowing each other and the old memories and the new memories and everything in between. Breaking up, if it was true love, will feel like dying because parts of you will (the ones you were with him and the ones he takes with you) and will feel like the world is shattering around you because it is.

Falling out of love? Not as fun as falling in. But you learn more. Lose a lot more than just people, but you lose perspective on the beauty of life and of love. Especially love. You become bitter and cynical. You desperately want to view life bright again because now it feels as if someone dimmed the lights. And at the same time you want to embrace the new thoughts. Arent sure which one is the bad and which the good, or if there is a good or bad at all, and now you're confused and conflicted.

It takes time. I'm still trying to figure out.

#txt #personal #october 2020 #22 years old #i just kinda summed up the last three years of my life here #private diary

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angelinebaby · 4 years

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Remember the time you invited me over and were being the sweetest you had ever been to me and grabbed me popeyes on the way to your house just to get me to go inside with food so you could lock ur door and throw it at me and cut my clothes off me with scissors, beat me till i was bleeding and covered in food when I hadn’t eaten all day. when i tried to run out the door you stole my glasses and shoes and i was wearing little to nothing and holding my clothes on because you cut them up and its was 4am by this time and i got picked up by some sex traffickers next to your house and realized they weren’t going to help me so i ran out of their truck and back to your house so i could get my glasses or my phone to tell someone to help me but instead you wouldnt let me leave or call anyone and i was too exhausted to fight back so you went in my wallet and stole a 700$ paycheck and threw me in your tub with a concussion and started crying to me telling me how sorry u were and it was just the pills making you do this and I believed you so i stayed only to find out later you hadnt taken anything and you left me with a few broken ribs when i was pregnant with your child. You tried to kill me. This wasn’t the only time. I was so clouded with love for you I thought unconditional love actually meant you could do anything to me and it was still my duty to love and cherish everything you were to me. Oh man its fucked me up.

Im shattered. I flinch when someone raises their hand or moves too quick near me.

I think about physical affection and it makes me hopeless and nauseous At least a few times a day.

I get told im pretty and all i can hear is you explaining to me how foul i am and how undeserving i am of real love.

Im permanently effected by you.

Literally stained my existence and when i try and sleep all i can think about is you treating me like demonic presence in your life when i could have just ran as fast and as far away as i could.

Yes.

I do. I remember.

In fact i cant forget. And as much as i want to. I cant. For her.

For my unborn child. I am sorry.

For you. Im sorry. I stayed.

Im scared for whoever falls for you next.

I wish i did more to help her.

And im inexcusably sorry.

I speak too late 100% of the time.

One day i will forgive myself for not doing more for the next girl and for not doing more for me or for my child.

I could spend another few years disassociating from all that youve done to me and act like nobody needs to hear this. But i want peace. So i need to remember how real it was. All of it. Every little second. Was so real. And it happened and people can listen to it without me having to relive it or feel pitied for. Because its all gone now. And i need to open my ears to all ive been through before I forget and mentally erase it because it hurts and get stuck in the same terrible situations.

#ptsd #womensrights #abuse #loveyourself #livenow #free #letgo #plannedparenthood #saveyourlife #silentlysuffering #notalone #growth #change #speakup #youareworthit #listen #beauty #unconditional #pain #sad #hurting #tellmesomethingnice #makemesmile #bigger #pastlife #abortionsaveslives #lost #rebuild #movement #heal #mystory #peace #babybelly #trying #sorry #regret #tumblrsucks

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sweetboybucky · 5 years

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Dreamers

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2600

Warnings: Infinity War compliant. Aka - a lot of sads.

Summary: In the time he is gone, one thing remains.

A/N: My piece for the Marvellous Writing Challenge, hosted by the angel @bucky-at-bedtime, who was so kind as to give me an extension. (Jess - I love you so much, I hope you know.) My prompt was “Saudade”, and what was originally going to be a sequel to my one other angst fic, Golden, turned into this. Please don’t kill me.

Taking a page out of @evanstarff‘s book for this one and going with a reader adopted into a Wakandan family. There are also a few notes at the end, if you want to read those.

My Masterlist

*** A war was waged.

The aftermath sits in front of you.

Rests there, in the ocean blue eyes of a soldier you have only just begun to know. The one you’d once only heard stories of.

The man with more burdens to carry than you could ever imagine. With the weight of an ungrateful and unforgiving world on his shoulders. The world he’s worked to save so many times.

A silent apology.

A wish for things to be different.

Tears.

You find them there, in that harrowing expression on a face that should never wear it.

You don’t ask.

You know.

***

There is a space between the world you know and all of the others you’ve come to discover in your time. Those realities that hold the souls of all that have been lost. The souls you still have yet to meet. A mirror image of the life you know.

You find him there, in the night.

His voice calls out to you, where you rest in that hazy middle ground. And it’s strong, like it always was. Strong even when it had no reason to be, even when he wasn’t. It pulls you into the inky night with its soft timbre, your name spreading tendrils of awareness through you.

It wakes something within you. Something raw and real and aching as you search for him. As you reach blindly into that darkness. Hoping and hoping and hoping.

But he’s just beyond your grasp. A breath away, whispering to you. Your name falls into the dark from lips you want to see more than anything. Lips you want to trace with your fingers, kiss until the world has finished turning.

You whisper back to him, voice desperate and pleading through the darkness.

***

Ochre light brings a new day.

It flecks across walls and floor and sheets. Sheets that should hold him beside you, the man who laid his soul out to bare for you on them in memories tinged with a certain fondness.

Memories that don’t flow like fire, the way they once had.

Memories that sting in the aftermath.

That careful ember, the one he’d lit within you, has left the hollow in your chest. Lit the sun, instead. Forced a new morning into your hands. A world he no longer breathes in.

And your heart aches with strangled sobs, body curling around his pillow and pressing into the sheets that still smell like him. Eyes close, shut out the view of the home he made in the quiet.

But reality exists without him, now.

That fact is carving itself into your bones.

***

Many hours later, once dawn has truly broken and everything has settled heavy into your heart once again, you find your self on a trail he showed to you.

Green folds around you. Leads you to the little hillside he found, sitting just to the side of his farm. Above the lake. Another corner of the world he could almost call his own.

The place he still wanted to share with you.

And it feels wrong, settling into the grass on your own. Tracing trembling fingers through dark dirt instead of threading them through chestnut hair. Resting in that quiet place he first showed to you. Before everything began.

Before the end.

Blue sky and soft clouds roam overhead. Sparkling waters lie still beneath you. Trees brush together in the breeze, echo against the emptiness of the space. In your heart.

It’s a view you’ve seen so many times. A place you’ve spent so many afternoons, with a man far more beautiful than any sunset could ever be. And even before he came to you, the sky was still there.

It feels different now. So unlike the other days you spent underneath it.

Sitting on the grassy hill with the absence of that warm arm around your back. Lips against your skin, a rumbly voice finding its own special place within your heart.

It feels final.

***

Every night is the same.

Dark and cold. Lined with wanting. Frenzied thoughts and soft confessions and an ache so real it nearly eats you alive.

His voice speaks back to you, quiet but strong as ever. Soft in that way it always was, affection bleeding through every word he murmurs to you.

And then morning falls onto you once again. Draws muted light to your eyes and a desperate plea from your lips as fingers search for the body that should lay beside you against cool, threadbare sheets

But morning is an ever present thing.

Light always washes him away.

***

For weeks, Bucky’s voice finds you at night. In the dark.

One day, in the hours the sun claims, a different voice is there.

It’s a soft whisper. A careful, “Hey,” as he settles in the grass next to you. Watches the way the lake shines with the light of midday.

You turn to him for a moment. Notice the dulled expression on his face. See the way his once golden hair falls against his face, unkempt and dark. The set of his jaw, the line of his mouth, not even a hint of a smile tugging at the edges.

He’s worn. More so than you.

He’s lost. Same as you.

Ocean eyes stay trained on the sky. But his lips part enough to murmur, “He talked about you.”

Bucky’s face comes into your mind, easy as anything. And surprise lights through you at Steve’s words, pained and heavy.

Lashes shield irises filled with regret. “He talked about you all the time.” Eyes flick to you, just for a moment. Burn through your mind and body and soul. “I don’t think we had one conversation where he didn’t bring you up.”

His face tips down, gaze falling to callused hands in his lap. There’s a ghost of a smile in his voice as he adds, “I always teased him about it. How crazy he was about you.”

Tears gather around your eyes, warm and wet and burning through the last bit of your resolve.

Steve glances at you, expression just a little softer once its aimed toward you. “I’d never seen him that way. Even before - before everything.” He bumps his shoulder into yours, a fond, cautious gesture. “There were girls, but none of them were you.”

And that hurts more than it should. More than you think he meant it to. Coming from the man your love trusted with anything, defended at every turn. Spoke of like a vision, a dream he was so lucky to live in.

Tears slip down your face in the silence. As Steve turns away, face twisted and creased and pained. You can see the slump of his shoulders. Feel the inhale he takes, steeling himself his next words. For what’s to come.

“It never hurts any less,” he tells you, voice quieter than you’ve ever heard. An echo of the heartache he keeps locked away. Fingers trace over a blade of grass. “But it gets easier to manage. Just takes time.”

A hand reaches for yours, firm and rough and trembling just a little, fingers squeezing against your own. And his voice is so sincere, so real as he breathes out one last sentiment. Something that is both the balm for your soul and everything you don’t want to hear.

“But, wherever he is, now, he loves you just the same.”

***

That hollow spaces fits against you, the same way it has every other night since the end.

For a long while, the stillness of it washes over you. Inky black and completely silent.

But you can feel him. You can always feel him.

Is it true?

It’s a question breathed into the quiet. One torn from your chest, filled with longing.

He doesn’t ask what you’re referring to. He doesn’t need to.

There’s only a soft sigh. The feeling of him as he answers.

Always, he tells you, reverent and final in the way you need. Always.

***

Time is such a cruel thing, now.

It moves against you. Presses into your skin, falls into your mind with a terrible kind of determination. It pushes the world on, pushes you on. Forces you to watch the new reality you live in try to rebuild itself.

It brings you to your apartment.

Months have passed since you’ve seen it, his hut serving as your home and your hell in that time. But you know that you can’t stay there forever. You can’t bear to sleep in a bed of ghosts any longer.

The lock clicks the same as it always did, the door creaking in that familiar way. It gives way to the living room, small kitchen just adjacent to it.

Everything is in its place. Nothing has changed.

And yet - it has.

There’s no soft greeting waiting for you, anymore. No feet to slide along the floor, no arm to curl around you and tuck you against his body. Lips to kiss away the crease in your brows, the ache in your bones.

But his book sits on the table. His favorite blanket is tucked into the corner of the couch. A worn pair of sneakers near the door. The dark green mug he always used in the sink.

The remnants of him are still here. Scattered around one of the only other places he’d been able to find refuge.

***

Phantom memories find you in the dust of your apartment.

Chestnut hair mussed in the morning. The smell of his favorite tea. Soft socks and all of the sweaters you stole from him. Pressing into this side, holding his hand at the market. Whispering to him when the ice crept back into his heart.

The stories he told you. Stories of the sky, the stars.

The same stars under your tired gaze now.

And even after everything, even in the absence of the man who loved them most, those stars remain the same. Unchanged by the rest of the world’s decisions.

They shine among inky blue. Glisten in the darkness, mapped out along an impossibly big sky. Absolute and so unknown. Arranged in their intricate patterns.

He spent more nights than you could count studying them. Resting near the large bay window of your apartment in a city still so unfamiliar to his weary heart. A city he grew so fond of. A city that grew so fond of him.

And he held you in the night. Brushed his lips against your skin and whispered about a constellation you couldn’t see. A woman given a beautiful crown, written into the stars once she’d passed. A reminder of who she was.

A reminder that, more than anything, she was loved, even after she was lost.

So much longing lies within you. Grief you never imagined you would feel. A fierce kind of sadness that takes over your mind and heart and soul and leaves you aching.

But more than anything, there is love.

You close your eyes against the sky those gray eyes loved to see and wish him into the stars.

***

Seasons pass. Come in with the cold and leave with the warm. Draw in new breezes and heady air and fleeting thoughts. Fleeting images of pale cheeks flushed with cool wind, with summer air.

And with every passing day, that face is a little harder to remember.

The line of his nose. The little wrinkles near his eye, those that only appeared in the face of his smile. Gray eyes sliding open in the morning, sparking with the possibility of a new day.

It grows fuzzy, the image of him, the sound of his laughter, as years that hardly feel like years drone on. As life moves on despite it all.

Anger festers within you. Rivals with the grief that still lives on, even after all this time. Even after the exact shade of his eyes isn’t as easy to conjure in your mind anymore.

But that soft affection you felt for him. That fierce kind of fondness, blinding and overwhelming and so strong.

That remains.

Even as years wane. As time spans on and life without him shifts into something close to normal.

The way he made you feel - the way he always makes you feel - never dies down. Never shrinks in the face of a new sunrise, as dawn falls onto the world and his voice slips away.

It only grows stronger.

***

The hollow still finds you in that strange place between your reality and his. Dark and cold and full of him. So close you can almost feel him. So real it hurts.

And his voice is still there, murmuring things you don’t really listen to. Echoing around the empty space he should be, that soft little place you made for him in your heart.

It’s a blessing, to know he’s there. To know he’s somewhere.

It’s a curse, to know he’s somewhere you can’t reach him. Not really.

So you hold onto his voice. Try to grasp the threads of it in your fingers. Close your eyes and let it fall over you, gentle and calm and beautiful as it is.

***

It’s a rising tension in the air. A shift in the world, so similar to the one you felt years ago. Before the end.

Another war has begun.

***

The night he doesn’t visit you, his favorite stars do.

They gather you up in their impossibly soft embrace. Hold you close, keep you warm. Shelter you from the darkness and the grief, even if only for a few moments.

In the space between the lines, the thin veil of reality you’ve been able to find, where he is close and still so far, they whisper to you.

A story forms through the haze of their voices. One of two lovers set in the sky, separated by a river of stars between them. Close enough to taste each other. Destined to be apart.

But for one night, the heavens open up. And the two are offered the gift of time. Allowed to be together, even if only for a moment.

Bucky’s voice permeates through it all. Parts the dark of the sky, the river of stars lying between you. He calls out your name, fierce and desperate and full of love. So much love.

He’s close. You know he is. You can feel him, drawing toward you with every passing second.

***

You wake to tense air and soft light. Something strong beating within you, like the tap of his pulse has settled into your skin.

He’s so close.

Rumpled sheets gather in your hands, those that have long since lost any trace of his smell. Eyes close against the fabric, breaths shudder through a weary chest.

For the first time since the end, you hope.

***

The world has crumbled once again.

Been marred by the jaws of fate. Splintered in ways no one can ever hope to repair. Developed cracks that you know can never be filled.

But as the dust settles, he is there.

His face is worn but soft in that way it always was. Warm and open and kind, fixed with the bright smile that had grown fuzzy around the edges in your hazy memory. Slate eyes find yours through the distance, across the grassy patch of his home.

An eternity has passed.

And yet, no time has drawn between the two of you at all.

Fondness rings through you, clear as anything. That sting of grief, the ache of longing fades into something achingly familiar. Gives way to the one feeling that never left, even on the darkest days. Even in the moments you were sure it would.

Love.

It sings in the air, fills your heart and mind and soul and pushes you forward a step. Then another. Until he’s right in front of you. Broken and ragged and different.

But still.

He’s beautiful.

Grin grows. Teeth flash. Lines spark up near his eyes, so small and so sweet.

Bucky holds out his hand.

You take it.

***

Notes:

Title taken from ‘Rainbow Connection’ by Sleeping At Last.

I took another page out of @evanstarff‘s book and made a playlist for this fic, which you can find here.

The constellations used in this piece are Corona Borealis, or The Northern Crown, and the story of Altair and Vega. (The interpretations I went by are not the only variations of this story, just those I thought fit best.)

A huge thank you to the incredible Star Queen, @fangirlfiction, for lending me her expertise in the space things for this fic.

One more thank you, to my beautiful love, @marvelous-avengers, who read and cried before posting, who is always there when I need her - I adore you more than you could ever know. Thank you for everything.

MAIN TAG LIST:

@solarbarnes II @akamaiden II @my-meant-to-find-blog II @marvelous-avengers II @jack4xx II @buckyforbreakfast II @theglowstickofdestiny II @bucky-at-bedtime II @notimetoblog II @deceivedeer II @teawithbucky II @veronicalei II @part-time-patronus II @thunderous-flower II @thelostverse II @delicatecapnerd II @pizzarollpatrol II @laurfangirl424 II @stevieboyharrington II @yknott81 II @bucky-smiles II @buckysb-tch II @a-watson-in-search-of-a-sherlock II @heartssick II @spxder-bxck II @bottled-starr II @buckybarneshairpullingkink II @yenneffersstuff II @fangirlfictionmain II @creideamhgradochas II @queenofstarliqht II @dessinemoiunehistoire

#marvellouswritingchallenge #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #bucky barnes fanfiction #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes angst #reader insert #reader #angst #oneshot #bucky x you #My writing

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eyetsu · 5 years

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The Truth..

Truth is....this past month and a half has been the hardest time of my life...but ima rebuilding...ima rebuilding myself stronger than ever...i have people who say they are in my corner but truthfully none of them are there when i need them...not fully ....and the only one who seems to be trying to be well...ima fairly certain they wont be doing it much longer... Truth be told...once again ima gonna end up watching everyone in my life walk away....thats alright....i know the truth i know how this is all gonna fall...and truthfully i know how itll be at the end of the day when the sunlight fades and ima left cold and alone but youll be calling him babe...say what you will but if theres one thing ima good at its reading people...and you let me get a full read on your actions for the first time by closing a door...and i know you realize exactly what ima refferring to...dont worry...i dont currently want to die.....and i havent said goodbye...not today...maybe not tomorrow...but i have a feeling its coming...and when the midnight hour strikes dont feel guilty or sad...i know ima the one to blame, i brought upon myself all of this shame....maybe hell take you to fame with yalls flame.....but ima done playing this game...theres no reason for the hiding and the lies...we promised openess and honesty but instead all ima getting is a turned head, some worry and concern and then some hypocrisy...youve said time and time again that people and things change but not for a moment after it ended have you ever believed that in me...otherwise you wouldnt have shut that door and then stepped on that memory...its fine i get the picture ...just leave me and those memories here like a broken caricature, because my hearts fractured...

#sadness #truth #sad thoughts #broken heart #on the fence #is this it #my heart is breaking #breaking all the rules #breaking point #chalk outline

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hemoclysmic · 3 years

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19/01-21

fountain spitting ink and pen bleeding water is there any point in purpose when the rot gets us all what is anything but a chemical lighting up and fizzing out if something's broken does it deserve to break and if it doesn't serve it's purpose should it serve at all

are we anything more than the blood in our veins can i be something beyond the dirt under my skin does it matter does it matter does it matter when a door won't let anyone in

are you alive or waiting to die because ive been looking through you for years and the edge between you and the not is blurring waiting waiting but you don't have that kinda time are you building courage or hoping you wont need to

when the words dont seem so bad in your head but you cant make yourself say them either youve been keening or theyre worse than you thought and in any case maybe it should worry but it never ever does nobody ever does and its a question of replacing every plank or letting the boat sink cause regardless it's ridden with rot and really.

really. what is there to rebuild with. when you're always drowning one way or another. when the scraping and squishing tears at the inside of your skull and silence feels like violence and every creak makes your heart skip a beat, when voices are claws and music is gravel all through your spine. you can't grow sick of fear if the alternative is worse. how do you feel, creature, how? when you were not built to. why? this is not my design.

#2021 #01-2021 #:class b #:a house #::about it

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adambstingus · 6 years

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‘Progress is painfully uneven’: Baltimore, 15 years after The Wire

From its first episode in 2002, the HBO TV drama documented the poverty, politics and policing of a city. We visit its memorable locations and talk to the people trying to rebuild scarred communities See more of JM Giordanos photographs of Baltimore locations used in the wire here

In black jacket, checked shirt and white trainers, eight-year-old DAngelo Preston is riding his bike while his sister, Alicia, 11, gives chase. They are playing outside the Baltimore Montessori public charter school, where they would be pupils if they had the chance. Their teachers dont yell at them, says Alicia matter-of-factly. Their teachers let them do whatever they want.

Alicia aims to be a maths teacher when she grows up; DAngelo wants to be a professional football player. They live barely a minutes walk from the Montessori school but, having lost an enrolment lottery, instead take a daily bus to Dallas F Nicholas elementary school, which has fewer resources. The siblings father, Shawn Preston, 38, a mechanic, says: It has a good reputation and I wish more local kids could go. I tried to send Alicia but they told me it was all filled up. I was disappointed. I thought they could have got her in there somehow: were in the neighbourhood.

This is Greenmount West, a community striving to put distance between itself and its portrayal in one of televisions most indelible dramas: The Wire. The Montessori school building was previously home to a beleaguered government school and starred in the fourth and arguably finest season of the show. A nearby design college is still recognisable as where the corner kids hung out. A couple of houses near Prestons were used during filming. Even the name DAngelo strikes a chord as the name of a principal character in the first season.

But as the disappointment over school places illustrates, progress is painfully uneven. While some parts of Baltimore are thriving, others have gone into reverse. In 2015, the death of an African American man in police custody triggered widespread unrest, while the total murder rate of 344 was the highest per capita in the citys history. Last year the figure was 318. In 2017 so far (up to 10 May), there have been 124 murders, outstripping Chicago and putting Baltimore on course for its bloodiest year ever.

Michael Olesker, an author and former Baltimore Sun columnist, says: Its turf wars. Its a battle for street corners. Youve got 18-year-old kids killing each other. Many are from broken families. Wed like to think art can move the world but this problem is so intractable on so many levels its going to be with us for a long time.

This was the world of The Wire and it is still very much intact. From June 2002 to March 2008, the epic HBO series mapped the citys geography, society and soul, charting the never-ending street battle between cops and drug lords. It was a study of the havoc wrought by the drug war on trust between black communities and police. Its hard-boiled realism included a scene of four minutes and 40 seconds in which the dialogue between two detectives consists entirely of 31 fucks, four motherfuckers and one fucking-A.

Bodie and DAngelo Barksdale (right and second right) in season one of The Wire. Photograph: BBC/HBO

The Wire never won an Emmy award or gained a mainstream audience; its acclaim rests largely with critics and fans, including Barack Obama, who named it his favourite show. It stands undiminished in the cultural pantheon. In 2015 Jonathan Bernstein wrote in the Guardian: The temple of the US one-hour TV drama has four pillars: The Sopranos, The Wire, Mad Men and Breaking Bad, novelistic shows that indicted America for its failures but refused to condemn their complex, emotionally crippled leading men.

When British actor, director and writer Kwame Kwei-Armah moved to Baltimore in 2011 to head the Center Stage theatre, he had not seen The Wire so he caught up via iTunes. Recently he met its creator, David Simon. I think its magnificent television, Kwei-Armah says. I think it was voted one of the best pieces of television of the 00s and, as a document, it will be remembered. Baltimore was just a metaphor; it depicted post-industrial America.

The Wire was intricately, unforgivingly plotted, capturing the prosaic nature of police procedural work, the brutal dynastic politics of drug kingpins and the corruption and grubby compromises of civic life. Simon has memorably said: Our model when we started wasnt other television shows. The standard we were looking at was Balzacs Paris or Dickenss London, or Tolstoys Moscow.

Befitting a novel, the characters were richly realised archetypes that leapt off the screen. There was the hard-drinking maverick cop Jimmy McNulty (Dominic West), the world-weary detective Lester Freamon (Clarke Peters), the aspirational, smooth gangster Stringer Bell (Idris Elba), the quietly heroic recovering addict Bubbles (Andre Royo) and the enigmatic, gay Robin Hood figure Omar Little (Michael K Williams), whose distinctions include a facial scar, quaint turn of phrase and being Obamas favourite character.

And in police detective Kima Greggs (Sonja Sohn), we had American TV dramas first major portrayal of a black lesbian. In a phone interview, Sohn recalls: I cant say that I thought she was going to be iconic in any way, but I do think she has become so. I think she is a character I started seeing a lot more in cop shows. Whos the tough female cop, person of colour?

I think its unquestionable the impact that the show has had not only on my career but many of the principal cast. The climate was very different at that time than it is now in terms of the availability of roles for people of colour in the business. So it was quite an anomaly to see a show that would require a predominantly black cast. That in itself was unusual and something that caught the attention of us all.

But there were detractors, she adds. One thing that was disappointing was the city officials. They really were not pleased with the depiction of Baltimore and some of them took the storylines personally. David has always said the issues and stories of The Wire exist nationally.

Bodies hangout: DAngelo Preston, eight, outside the Honey Carry-Out store the spot where Bodie was killed in season four. Photograph: JM Giordano

Baltimore is the Maryland city where Francis Scott Key wrote The Star Spangled Banner, Edgar Allan Poe is buried and, in 1910, the first residential racial segregation law in any US city was enacted. Once a thriving port, hundreds of thousands of small, two-storey terraced houses were built in the Victorian era as the population climbed to a million. But since the mid-20th century that number plunged and now stands at 614,664, according to the US Census Bureau the lowest for nearly 100 years.

The series, though mostly set in the west of the city, was largely filmed in the east because the number of trees in the west made it awkward to shoot through changing seasons. Numerous houses still lie abandoned and boarded up, a few with roofs collapsed under their own weight. Pavements are cracked and smeared with graffiti. Broken bottles and other rubbish pile in gutters. On a typical Sunday afternoon, a patrol car crawls by, an officers tattooed arm trailing out of a window. At night, strobing police lights are alarmingly routine.

In Greenmount West, at what was Bodies corner in the series, customers have to be buzzed in to the Honey Carry Out convenience store. Inside, most of the products M&Ms, Starburst, Skittles, earphones, Butterfinger, Almond Joy, Mounds, KitKats, Snickers, Hersheys, Dove soap, Colgate toothpaste are piled behind bulletproof glass like an art installation. All transactions are final. No refund, says a scrawled sign. Making a purchase requires placing money on a turntable, which revolves to exchange it for the product, a process reminiscent of jail.

Nearby, when we approach one resident, he explains that he returned here last year after a stretch of 24 years in prison and does not want to talk.

Yet this neighbourhood, designated an arts and entertainment district, is slowly but surely gentrifying. The school had shut down in 2001, before The Wire film crew moved in. The building was vandalised, had asbestos and copper pipes removed and was used as a homeless shelter in the winter of 2007. The following year, the Montessori school took over.

Today the colourful jungle gyms and live chickens in its backyard are a world away from the grim vision of ill discipline and desperate teachers seen in The Wire. Allison Shecter, its founder and director, says: We have younger kids here whose parents come from every zipcode in the city. We do bring kids in at every age. They come in when it [their schooling] isnt working : they have a hard shell so it takes a while to win their trust. Even when they come in at eighth grade, its transformational.

The Montessori has 425 pupils and a waiting list of 1,200. It draws pupils by lottery from across the city, many from middle-class homes, while kids in the surrounding, struggling neighbourhood often do not make it and go to Dallas F Nicholas instead. The dynamic has provoked debate about parental choice, the lack of resources for government schools and the dangers of rivalries.

Shecter, 47, says: Families are looking for choice. If there are schools struggling, I think looking at why schools are struggling and helping them needs to be the answer rather than pitting them against each other.

She acknowledges that Greenmount West continues to have problems. Its still very much a neighbourhood in transition: there are still drugs and gangs. There was a hold-up with a gun at eight oclock yesterday morning. Crime in Baltimore is out of control.

But Tina Knox, 57, whose nearby backyard also featured in The Wire, is upbeat. At one point in time this community was down to nothing, she says. You dont know if a fights going to break out or theyre going to start shooting. But once they started tearing down the vacant properties, investors started coming in, buying the houses and fixing them up. The community is coming back up. Now you couldnt pay me to live in any other neighbourhood.

Cuttys boxing gym: the building that housed this location is now derelict. Photograph: JM Giordano

Her friend Stewart Watson has lived here for 15 years and runs an art gallery. Today she is out walking her two great danes. I didnt watch The Wire because I felt I was living it, Watson recalls. It wasnt relaxing to me because of what was happening in my community at the time. The one about schools would probably break my heart.

The closure of the school was a heavy blow, she recalls. All the kids got sent to other schools. Not having a school in the neighbourhood was really tough. It changes the dynamics of the families and breaks up the camaraderie of a neighbourhood. It was the school where Tina went: that kind of loss you cant recover from.

Watson, 48, is optimistic but also worried about the future of Greenmount West. There are difficulties with the gentrification process that any community has. Gentrification is a half-dirty word. Ive said if it means I dont have spinning bulletproof glass up the street, thats great. Its about whats fair and accessible: the racial divide that plagues this city were still trying to figure out.

A short drive away, reminders of that divide are everywhere at some of The Wires most fondly remembered locations. The boxing gym where Dennis Cutty Wise (Chad Coleman) gets back on the straight and narrow is abandoned, its windows broken, cesspools and debris on the concrete floor, the silhouette of a boxer painted on the wall a reminder of its ghosts. (There is talk of a food co-op moving in.)

The TV repair shop that was run by drug kingpin Proposition Joe and the bar that belonged to Omars confidante Butchie have both closed down. Michelle Sponaugle, 53, whose father owned the latter, says: It makes me sad. I used to work behind the bar. We had a good clientele but the crime got rough down here. My father had a gun put to his head a couple of times so we put up a bulletproof wall.

And the convenience store where Omar, the seemingly invincible stick-up man (You come at the king, you best not miss), was gunned down by a boy has vanished altogether after a blaze set off by the unrest of 2015 and the construction of an apartment complex for the elderly. Over the road is a park bench that proclaims without a hint of irony: Baltimore: the greatest city in America.

One of its occupants, Alfred McDaniel, 59, says he never saw the series because he does not watch TV. Time is too valuable to waste so why would I do something like TV? Im in a house that should be condemned, so why would I watch TV? Im in court trying to get them to fix it. I need surgery but Im trying to deal with the rats and the mice. Where I live, the stupid landlord wont even fix the goddam door.

McDaniel, a home repair man on medical leave, is in his fifth home in five years in the city. I aint seen no improvement in Baltimore. You call the police to report a crime and they tell you theyre not going to file a report, so what police can you depend on in this city? So the next person who breaks in your room, you should kill them.

Beside him is John Williams, 56, who used to work on the docks, which featured in the shows second season. He says: Baltimore is struggling the same. Its good for some people but if you live on this side of town its not that good. Houses have been vacant a long time so theres no reason for homelessness in Baltimore. The city could try to renovate these houses and make them affordable to people.

Sonja Sohn (detective Kima Greggs) now helps children break the cycle of crime. Photograph: Icon Sports Wire/Corbis via Getty Images

Williams says that, in his first week as a resident of Baltimore in 2013, some 35 people were killed. The cops are overwhelmed to a certain degree. Relations are strained. The community doesnt believe in the cops. There are people who know who committed murders but they dont want to come forward. Youve got murderers walking among you and its dangerous, basically. If youre working as a taxi, youve got to be careful where to pick up.

Similar sentiments are expressed in another neighbourhood by Janet Worsley, 57. They still have gangs and mobs. You take your life in your hands if you walk these streets at a certain time of night. If I get off work, I walk home, but to come out otherwise? No. She describes an incident when her car was stopped by police. All I could do was humble myself: Sorry, officer. Im still afraid for my son being mishandled by police because he has a mental illness.

For Sonja Sohn, such issues resonate with her own childhood and remain intensely personal. After production wrapped on the fifth and final season she co-founded ReWired for Change, a Baltimore-based nonprofit organisation that works to help young people break the cycle of crime. It often uses cast members and material from the show to get its message across.

For a while, it seemed this portrait of a city in crisis might sting officials into action, but the power of art has its limits. Sohn says: I think that the city leadership did begin to make an effort to look at the issues that The Wire brought to life, particularly because of the fourth season, which focused on the children and the schools.

As much as the city leadership couldnt stand The Wire, they were forced to address the issues because, I believe, they wanted to prove that their city was better than what was depicted. So ultimately The Wire impacted this city in a positive way in my opinion.

But then came a hammer blow that appeared to destroy any putative gains made in crime reduction and community-police relations in Baltimore. Freddie Gray, a 25-year-old African American, died of neck injuries suffered in police custody in April 2015. The city erupted in weeks of mass demonstrations and a day of rioting. Six police officers were charged in connection with Grays death but none was convicted. A justice department report found a huge racial disparity in enforcement, especially in stops, searches and discretionary misdemeanour arrests, including those of people congregating on street corners. It also observed that residents believe there are two Baltimores one wealthy and largely white, the second impoverished and predominantly black.

Sohn says: I was not surprised but the most visceral reaction I had was one of support of the people. I was so tired of pounding the pavement, of spending my extra time and extra dimes to help lift up under-served communities in Baltimore. After I started the nonprofit, I started to see how challenging that work is, and I also started to see how it quite possibly is this never-ending clusterfuck. I had stepped away to reassess how I could be useful, in fact, when the whole Freddie Gray situation happened.

When I saw the people rise up and express their anger in the way that they did even though I did not want the city to burn down, I did not want lives to be lost the very core of me said, what else could they do to get your attention? To let you know you serve them? That you have not served them for decades, and theyre not tolerating it any more? They put you in office, the city taxpayers pay their salaries, and theyre not being served. And when talking no longer works, what else do the people have?

That part of me said, burn it down, burn the whole motherfucker down. If theyre not going to fucking listen, burn it. Theres that revolutionary radical in me. But at the same time thats more of a sense than it is an intellectual choice Im telling people to make. Im saying yes, act from that sense. We dont want them to take it literally but I see you acting from that sense and, symbolically, this is what we need to do. We just need to find a way to do it differently.

Relations with the police remain strained despite efforts and initiatives on both sides. Sohn is eager to dispel the myth that young men hanging out on streets corners or residents sitting on stoops outside their homes are all selling drugs. I think what people dont understand is when you live in these communities, this is your tribe, this is your home, the streets are a part of your property, its a part of your culture.

Omars death: Alfred McDaniel, 59, stands across the street from the location of the shop where Omar was shot dead in season five. The building burned down during the riots following the death of Freddie Gray in Baltimore in 2015. Photograph: JM Giordano

We sit on the stoops, we say Hey! to Miss Mary down the street and see the little kids coming home. If theres a fight, somebody jumps off the stoop and runs and breaks up the fight. We might not use drugs or deal drugs but we know the drug dealer, we babysat him when he was eight. Or maybe we know hes 20 and hes dealing drugs but we went to school with him He was in my eighth grade class. These are just people we know. We know your mama, I date your sister, she cool.

Whats going on on the street isnt always drug dealing. Its a community thats gathering and taking care of itself. If you dont understand it and youre only looking at TV, what youre thinking is people are dealing drugs and everybodys just depressed and sitting on the stoop drinking beer. And though that may be there, it is certainly not all of whats there. Theres a community gathering and communing with one another.

Nevertheless, the toxic mix of drugs, firearms and joblessness chronicled by The Wire in 2002 still persists. Last month, the mayor of Baltimore, Catherine Pugh, appealed to the FBI for extra help to combat the soaring homicide rate, explaining: Murder is out of control. There are too many guns on the streets.

Rafael Alvarez, an author and screenwriter who worked on the show, writes in an email: The rich and cruel supply of American fucked-up-ness will never run dry in Baltimore, so yes, The Wire could be made 15 years after it originally aired. I suspect give or take 50 homicides and a new wave of corruption and ignorance it could be made again 15 years from today.

Olesker is similarly short on optimism about the citys future. I think you could do the same show today. Its still out there on the street corners: you can go to countless neighbourhoods and see street after street of abandoned houses that have sat there for years.

Youve got all these kids who are rootless, who dont have families, who are joining gangs. Theyre figuring out very early the game is stacked against them. Theyre not going to get to college like middle-class kids do, so they have a choice: they can work in McDonalds for $10 an hour or they can make multiples of that from the drug trade, and theres no mother or father around to tell them otherwise.

Indeed, Donald Trumps pledge to be a law and order president stressing blue lives matter rather than black lives matter, and his attorney general Jeff Sessionss retro approach to tough sentencing only seem likely to fan the flames in Baltimore, a majority black, staunchly Democratic city. The Wire was sometimes accused of implying that its characters were locked in a hopeless cycle; events seem to bear out this sense of fatalism.

But Kwame Kwei-Armah offers hope. One of the things Ive learned since Ive been here is that people of Baltimore care about Baltimore in a rather profound way. Im talking about the philanthropic community in particular: they actually put their money back into the community. Community means something, and Im not just saying that to blow smoke. We had to raise $36m in order to renovate our theatre and we were able to do that in what is a relatively small city. Were not the only people out with a capital campaign. Actually, after the uprisings of 2015, there was a lot of money that came from within Baltimore to start looking at creating solutions for the problems that are endemic here.

Sonja Sohn, too, feels some optimism. Ive been around, Ive been on the planet a little while, she says. I never trusted the establishment anyway so the face we are seeing now is not a surprise, and Ive also been around long enough to see people and movements come and go. By no means do I believe that evolution goes backwards. Evolution goes forwards. No human being can defy the laws of nature, so Im not worried about Donald Trump and Im not worried about Jeff Sessions. Im on my mission, Im on my grind, Im on my purpose and we are all collectively moving forward, I guarantee you that.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/progress-is-painfully-uneven-baltimore-15-years-after-the-wire/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/178506109962

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samanthasroberts · 6 years

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‘Progress is painfully uneven’: Baltimore, 15 years after The Wire

Bodie and DAngelo Barksdale (right and second right) in season one of The Wire. Photograph: BBC/HBO

Bodies hangout: DAngelo Preston, eight, outside the Honey Carry-Out store the spot where Bodie was killed in season four. Photograph: JM Giordano

Nearby, when we approach one resident, he explains that he returned here last year after a stretch of 24 years in prison and does not want to talk.

Cuttys boxing gym: the building that housed this location is now derelict. Photograph: JM Giordano

Sonja Sohn (detective Kima Greggs) now helps children break the cycle of crime. Photograph: Icon Sports Wire/Corbis via Getty Images

Source: http://allofbeer.com/progress-is-painfully-uneven-baltimore-15-years-after-the-wire/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2018/09/27/progress-is-painfully-uneven-baltimore-15-years-after-the-wire/

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jessysnotcreative · 7 years

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Do you kiss all the other girls on the back of their shoulders the way you do me? Are you reminded of how thats my favorite place to be kissed by you? Have you ever kissed a girl there hoping it would mean as much to them as it did to me? All these other girls , do they swallow your words as quick as I swallow pills to stop thinking about you?

You were love to me.

Love.

I wish I could bury our history beneath the Earth and plant flowers in memory of us.

We are nothing now. Ive made myself believe in lies for years now. Ive hurt myself to give you more chances then I can count.

The truth is you do not love me. The truth is you do not care. The truth is, there is no more truth from you.

You build me up to break me down.

If I could love myself the way I love you… I could be different. Kinder. Prettier. Sweet.

You have made me weak, insecure, mean, angry, depressed, dark, dark, dark.

The last time I saw you, you wrapped your arms around me so tightly. So fucking tight. I squeezed and you squeezed harder. We just held eachother.

If only I had died right there… I would of died happy.

Instead I had to watch you leave me for yet another girl. You jumped on the road and left the state.

Left me in a state, a state of nothing short of suicidal. I dont know what to do. Youve left so many times and still I havent figured out how to constantly deal with the loss of you.

You are not mine. You will never be mine. And theres moments where I think about dying because of it. That must mean Im insane.

Im pathetic. Desperately in love with you. And you dont give a damn about me. Why do you come home just to leave me?

I always tell myself you must love me with the way you come flooding back to me every single time. I tell myself it must mean we are special and that we love each other no matter what. I tell myself that you are my love and I will never give up on you because love is all I live for. Love is all I want. And I want it so bad Im willing to risk everything. My happiness. My life. I tell myself that maybe you wont leave this time. I tell myself I can handle it even if you do. But I can not.

I can not keep lying to myself. I can not keep living in the fantasy world I have made for myself. I can not keep picturing my whole life with you.

Its never going to happen. You may never change.

You never make the slightest move to build a future with me. Im an idiot. A fool.

I cant stop thinking about you. I cant stop. I want you so fucking bad. I want all of you with your missing and broken peices. I want all the ups and downs. I want to make you happy. I want to kiss you when youre sad. I want to calm you when yours angry and hold you when youre demons try to drown you. I want to wake up next to you everyday.

I want to feel that feeling that nobody else has ever given me when we kiss. I want it forever.

You dont want me. You dont want any of it. You will replace me and replace me and replace me.

You wont think of me until Im gone. You wont love me. You will never love me.

I cant watch you love somebody else. I just cant. How could you do this to me. How could I do this to myself. How could I have let this betrayal, this hurt, these lies go on for so long. I have to stop. I have to fight this off. Its not worth it anymore. You say I mean everything to you. You say you love me. You say “maybe” you will marry me and take care of me one day.

I dont have any more days to give you. I dont have any strength left to keep hurting myself to try and keep you. I dont have anything. I dont have you.

You dont love me and its time for me to accept it and move on. Its time to stop bleeding. Its time to stop crying. Its time to stop drinking. Its time to stop swallowing. Its time to stop crying at the thought of you.

I want you gone. I want to be myself again one day.

I want you. But you will never want me So its time for me to go. Its time to stop lying to myself. Its time to rebuild. Its time that I stop forgiving you. You do not deserve to be forgiven. You do not deserve to hear my thoughts, my feelings. You dont deserve poems. You dont deserve my love. You dont deserve me.

You wont ever let me go. So I have to leave this time.

I want to hate you. I want to be disgusted at your name instead of hurt. I want to break your bones. I want to shed blood of every girl you left me for. I feel sorry for whoever tries to love you after me because I know that you know it will never be the same as me.

Im not going to let you hurt me anymore. Im going to hate you one day. And youll run into me in the future and feel it. Instead of my face being broken or filled with happiness it will wear disgust and pity and regret.

I will fucking hate you.

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truck-fump · 4 years

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The Biggest Political Party in America You’ve Never Heard OfIf...

New Post has been published on https://truckfump.life/2020/01/23/the-biggest-political-party-in-america-youve-never-heard-ofif/

The Biggest Political Party in America You’ve Never Heard OfIf...

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The Biggest Political Party in America You’ve Never Heard Of

If I asked you to name the biggest political party in the United States, what would be your answer? You probably have two guesses that come to mind: the Democratic party or the Republican party.Well, it’s neither.

It’s the party of Non-Voters.

Let’s look at the last presidential election: 100 million Americans who were eligible to vote in 2016 DID NOT vote. That’s a bigger number than the number who voted either for Donald Trump or for Hillary Clinton. In Michigan, for example, where the contest came down to roughly 10,000 votes, it’s plausible to say that non-voters were the ones who decided the election.

Non-voters — those Americans eligible to vote but don’t — are in effect America’s biggest political party. Unless we work to reverse this trend, they could decide the next election.

So who are these missing voters? They are Americans who are most affected by decades of a broken political system, economic inequality, and laws designed to make it harder to vote. They are people of color, young people, and people with lower incomes.

At the same time, these missing voters tend to be more progressive than most voters. For example, non-voters are more likely to support higher taxes to pay for government services, a higher minimum wage, a federal jobs guarantee, and other progressive priorities.

There are also seven million young people of color who weren’t old enough to vote in 2016 but will be 18 by the 2020 election. These voters will also be critical to mobilize.

All of which means that voter turnout will determine our future. These non-voters are potential voters, and recent elections with record turnout show that we’re headed in the right direction.

The key question is how to get even more of them to the polls. Four steps:

1. Make it easier to vote, not harder. Some states have enacted laws to suppress the votes of people of color and young people, such as requiring an ID, reducing the number of polling places in Democratic districts, and purging voter rolls. These tactics must be ended. The Voting Rights Act, which for decades kept some of the worst practices in check until major provisions were struck down by the Supreme Court, must be restored.

And we need to make it easier to vote by making Election Day a federal holiday; enacting Automatic Voter Registration, for example when people turn 18; and voting by mail.

2. Mobilize young voters. They’re a huge potential voting block. In the 2018 midterm elections, 36 percent of voters aged 18 to 29 cast ballots, shattering turnout records from the past quarter-century and contributing to major Democratic victories across the country

3. Inspire enthusiasm and grassroots energy around big ideas and bold policies, not milquetoast, consultant-driven half-measures. Look at Stacey Abrams’s campaign in 2018. Even though she didn’t win, Abrams ran a bold campaign and worked to turn out Democratic voters that had largely been ignored in the red state of Georgia. As a result, Abrams garnered more votes — 1.9 million — than any other Democrat running for any office in the history of the state, including Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and Jimmy Carter.

4. Personally encourage others to vote. Make sure they know how to register, and when and where to vote. Tell them to be a voter.

Rebuilding America starts with the simple act of voting. If we can activate even a fraction of those 100 million non-voters, we can restore American democracy and make our economy and our democracy work for the many rather than the few.

This is why it’s so important for you to vote – and urge everyone you know to vote, too.

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bandwpanda · 5 years

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piece of work

[...]

“Jake?” Lottie said, looking at his soft eyes and the bright smile, whereas he was dying inside.

“Yes?”

“I thought you were sleeping.”

“No, Sam said I’d slept for fourteen hours, it was enough for me.”

“How long do you usually sleep?”

“Well, that depends, but at most nights I sleep for like... maybe three hours, sometimes I don’t sleep at all.”

“Jake, you know that it’s wrong, right?”

“Yeah, I tried to change it, but I couldn’t, I can’t sleep.”

“Oh, baby.” Lottie said with tearful voice, pushing Jake’s weak body closer to hers, and hugging him tighter. “Please, don’t do that to yourself.”

“I don’t do anything, I just have severe sleeping issues.”

“You’re too thin, Jakey. Your cheeks are more... concave? When did you eat anything last time? And, please, don’t lie, I’m here to help you.”

Inside his broken heart and lost soul he knew that Lottie, the love of his life, was right. He could not keep lying about his eating disorder, self-harm, depression and suicidal thoughts that he has been having for about two years. Suddenly he felt guilty, what his eyes showed.

“Jakey?” she attracted his attention. “Tell me, what’s really going on?”

“I- I don’t know.”

“Jake, please.”

“I’m serious, Lottie.” Jake tried to hide his tearing up eyes, as he knew that it was not a good move to cry in the front of Lottie, because in that case she would find the truth about him out. “Everything is just fine.”

“Oh, honey, then why are you crying?” she wiped the tear streaming down his pale face. “Please, don’t lie. This one time, please.”

“I just- it's too complicated... And I- I don’t know what’s ha- happening to me.” Jake closed his eyes, and so many tears appeared on his concave cheeks.

Lottie kept holding his tiny body in her arms, but when she saw the first tears, she wanted to cry, too. For her it was a broken-hearting view. Lottie swayed him carefully, as she knew that it was one of the things that were able to calm him down, especially if she was with him during the cry, panic attacks or something even worse.

“Baby, you’re safe.” she whispered to Jake, when he tightened his fist on the material of her shirt.

“I know.” he barely said. “Just take this pain away from me.” he muttered.

“Shh, you’re safe, I’m here.” Lottie kept rocking him in the way like she was rocking a baby to sleep.

It took Jake a long time to calm down, what ended up him falling asleep in Lottie’s arms. He was, finally, breathing peacefully, even though the skin around his eyes, nose and cheeks was flushed and swollen. Lottie covered him with a warm, light blanket.

Around 6PM Lottie went to Sam’s and Danny’s room, leaving Jake alone in his bedroom.

“How’s Jake?” Sam asked when he noticed Lottie coming in.

“Well, he’s sleeping. He’s been crying for over three hours and couldn’t calm down so let him sleep.” the girl explained. “He’s very tired, thin and weak. Does he even eat anything?”

“Mostly, I think so. If he doesn’t... Well, he’s good at hiding emotions and feelings in that case... I don’t know, he usually eats something, especially when he’s with us.” Josh said after a moment of thinking.

“Oh, okay, well, he’s too skinny and small, that’s why I’m asking.”

“I know, we’re all worried about him.”

“I know. I just... I could feel and see his ribs and hips. He looks literally like a walking corpse. God... I don’t want to go to his funeral.”

“None of wants it to happen.” Sam said, looking at Ariana. “That’s the last thing I want to attend to.”

“Me neither.” Josh agreed with his younger brother. “Well, let’s talk about something different than this.”

“Let’s talk about music!” Ariana said louder than she should, what only highlighted her attitude.

“Sure, why not.” Danny nodded. “So, the Grammys?”

“Don’t tell me! No, stop right there.” Ariana moved her hand on Sam’s. “No, no, no.”

“Why? You wanted to start it?” Josh was surprised but not disappointed that much.

“She has a huge crush on Ariana Grande.” Lottie explained. “That’s why. She couldn’t stop talking about her and the Grammys two days ago.” she laughed lightly.

“I see.”

Ariana’s cheeks became flushed.

~~~~

Three days later Josh, Jake, Sam, Danny, Ariana and Lottie were to Los Angeles. It was because of the situation connected to Jake and his bad mood and mental health, of course Lottie was very concerned about it. She would never let him to go anywhere alone, which he understood. Her company was making him happier than he could ever imagine.

At boys’ house Lottie helped Jake to unpack his bags, and after it, when he was in the bathroom doing bathroom toilettes, she began preparing a meal, light enough for his damaged stomach.

“I’m back.” Jake came to the spacious kitchen. “What are you doing?”

“You have to eat something, so I’m preparing a very light meal for you.”

“I told you already, I don’t want to eat.”

“But you have to.”

“No, Lottie.”

“Yes, Jake, you’re too skinny, I can see your ribs and hips, and to be honest, your condition scared me.” she responded with a very harsh tone of voice. “If you won’t eat, then I’m fucking out, because I really can’t stand your talking about not being hungry, even if I fucking can hear your stomach, the fuck are you thinking about?! Do you seriously want everyone to be worried about you and your shitty condition?! What dream are you living in?! I’m fucking out if you won’t touch this meal. Not everything is about you! I’m trying to make you feel better and you still can’t look at the fucking food. I cared about you, I stayed up all night with you, just because you wanted to talk about some stupid things that don’t even matter to me even though I all I wanted to do was going to sleep. I paid you all my fucking attention, just because you can’t notice that you’re important to me. And still, you keep acting like a whole dick and can’t understand that we’re also scared. They won’t tell you that, they don’t want you to know that they’re scared to a fucking death of losing you.”

Jake looked down on his bare feet, as his hands were playing with each other. He knew Lottie was right, but could not admit it. His eyes teared up.

“I’m tired of your shit. Keep doing that and you’ll going to end up dead in the fucking bath.” she added and left the kitchen.

Jake was guilty. He felt like this, but he would never use his friends or brothers to feel sorry for him. It was the right time to rebuild his mental health, and health in general.

The boy sat down on the chair, thinking about his best friend’s words. And now, because of him she was gone. Of course, not out of his life, although he had that feeling.

Lottie sat on the cold floor in the bathroom and hid her face in her hands. He overreacted, and accidentally hurt one of the most important people in her life, but she was right.

Twenty minutes later she came downstairs to the kitchen, noticed Jake sitting on one of the chairs in the dining room.

“Can we talk?” she asked, coming up to him.

“I think you’ve done it for both of us...”

“Jake, no, you know that I’m never tired of you.”

“Actually... I know, you’ve said enough. There’s nothing we can talk about.”

“There is. Well, firstly, you deserve an apology. I shouldn’t have said those words, I didn’t mean it.”

“I know you, Lottie, I’ve known you for a solid part of my life. Now just... leave me alone.”

“Jake...”

“I said something. I don’t want to talk to you for now.”

Jake got up and went upstairs straight to his bedroom, laid on the bed and covered his whole body with a blanket, which smelled like Lottie, what caused him to think about her. He took an album full of their pictures, some of them were took surprisingly out of nowhere when none of them expected it, some were like those amazing photoshoots for Calvin Klein. He felt that little spark called happiness inside his broken heart, and he smiled. That was a beautiful moment.

“Jake?” Lottie stood in the doorpost, watching his behaviour.

“What do you want this time? Yell at me? Well, do it.” he responded sarcastically, and she rolled her eyes.

“I don’t want to yell at you, not again, you didn’t deserve it.”

“Nevermind. What do you want?”

“I just wanted to check on you.”

“I’m still, somehow, alive.”

“You know I didn’t mean this.” she sat next to him on his bed. “Why are you looking at our old pictures?” she took a peek at one of the mentioned pictures. In this one was her and Jake in the middle of the woods, taken probably in their high school. “I remember this.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you were fifteen then.” she laughed.

“So were you, honey.”

“I know, I’m not that old.”

“I missed this.” he claimed after few seconds of silence between them.

“What? The laugh?”

“Yes, I missed your laugh.”

“That’s so cute.”

“I know.” he laughed again.

Jake pushed her closer to him, and she wrapped her arms around Jake’s waist and lied her head on his chest.

“Do you have more albums of us?”

“I have some pictures of us with Ariana, Sam, Josh and Danny.”

“Aww that’s sweet.”

She looked at Jake’s bright eyes. The sparks were dancing in their eyes, while looking at each other. He kept her close to him, and she did not take her arms. Jake placed his hand on her cheek, and kissed her very gently. Lottie kissed him back. They opened their eyes in order to look at each other, once again. Bright smiles were true ones, without faking any second of this delicate moment. Jake wished this moment could last forever.

“You’re sweet.” Jake whispered against her face.

“Aww, no, you’re sweeter.”

“No.”

“You’re sweet when you’re trying to deny some facts.”

“Okay, let’s be it.” Jake smiled.

“Can we talk?”

“We’re talking now.”

“Yeah, I know, but seriously... Like... Serious talk?”

“Okay.”

“Are you making yourself starve?”

Jake’s eyes became more serious than barely seconds before, and darkened.

“Wha- What do you mean?”

“Well, at the hotel, two days ago, I was thinking about it, and I connected the facts in my mind. You’re very skinny, I can see and feel your ribs and hips, literally a lot of your bones, and you don’t want to eat anything, despite the fact that I can hear your stomach, but also, you’re weak and boys told me that you keep passing out after a lot of psychical effort, including playing on the stage and that sometimes you have to hold on to something in order not to fall down on the floor.”

“Oh.” he did not have enough bravery inside to admit that Lottie was right. Lowkey he hoped she will not notice his uncertainty. However, he did not want to disappoint her.

He looked down on his hands wrapped around Lottie’s waist, hugging her, but his mind and thoughts were somewhere far away than Los Angeles. On the other hand, she was staring at his scared eyes. In that moment she found out the truth and answers to her questions she had been asking long, long before.

“Uhm... I- Well...” he started slowly, as he could not find the proper words to say something, and his eyes were showing the lost.

“You don’t have to answer to my question if you don’t want to.” Lottie placed her hand on his left cheek, what caused Jake to look at her. “I can see that you feel lost.”

“I just... I had some problems.”

“That’s alright. I won’t push you to your limits. I know that damaged people need some time to admit that there’s something wrong with themselves. You need time, I see.”

“No, Lottie. I need you, you know? It’s always been you.” he said on one breath. “It’s always been you.” the boy repeated his own words. “I just- Well, I- It all is connected to you.”

“What? Why?”

“Remember that one day in our high school when we went to San Francisco instead of going to our classes?” Lottie nodded gently, still looking at the boy, who kept talking. “Then we almost kissed on that bridge. I didn’t forget. Then I knew... I fucking knew that I- I actually loved you.” a single tear ran down Jake’s pale cheek only to be wiped by the girl, who was listening very carefully.

Lottie opened her eyes wide, not being able to say anything. That was too much for her to take at once. It was not only the fact that he admitted to having eating disorders, being depressed, but also that he loved her. The girl who was always independent, cared only about herself, excluding important people in her life, but still, she would not find this secret out if she were not sitting right here on the bed with the right person after talking to other people, even if it was on the phone or texts. Her face was showing surprise, a big one. That confession was not exactly the one she has ever expected.

“You... Jake...” Lottie whispered, trying to find right words to say.

“I love you, Lottie.”

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Shawnee Oklahoma Cheap car insurance quotes zip 74802

"Shawnee Oklahoma Cheap car insurance quotes zip 74802

Shawnee Oklahoma Cheap car insurance quotes zip 74802

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""Auto insurance cancelled today, can I go to new company?""

I just got a new car a few months ago and was paying $325 a MONTH for my insurance. Way too expensive. I want to cancel and go to another company (nationwide or all-state) where I was quoted $195 a month. I dont have the money to pay the current insurance $325 for the month, then cancel it (which adds another $90 or so for cancellation fee), and THEN open a new policy with another company for $195. Thats $615 just to switch insurance companies! So, I let my current insurance lapse and it was cancelled as of last night for non-payment. Now, can I open up the new insurance with another company today, then pay off the old insurance in a couple weeks?""

Where can I get cheap insurance from ??

Just passed my test I'm 17 I have bought a 1985 old Nissan micra. I have 3000 where can I get cheap insurance:)

Best Place to get a Car Insurance Comparison Free Online?

What sites are best for car insurance comparison? I am trying to find a site that has the widest range of quotes and policies so I can pick insurance cover that is right for me, the plan I have that's due to expire soon is terrible and I feel really ripped off. It's just proving really hard to find something affordable and with good quality cover. Has anyone tried a car insurance comparison site that offers quotes from more than just the usual four or five insurance providers?""

How long does it take for the dmv to get my sr-22?

16 yr old car insurance?

I'm about to turn 16, and about to get a car (Volvo cross country) I will have another 2 main drivers on the account. How much will it be in a roundabout? Also I will be 16^ I have a completely clean record C average And a male""

""Poll: Hey, can I borrow your car?""

Poll: Hey, can I borrow your car?""

""Im 17,i need help with my car insurance?

im 17 and car insurance at my age is really expensive but about 9 months ago i went to an insurance agency and they gave me an reallllllllyyyy good quote well something happen and had to cancel my insurance with them now i bought a new car and i want to knw if i can go back to them and get the same good car insurance price because ive been shoping and geting quotes online and its sooo dang expensive

""Insurance question, 20pts for the best answer?""

Think about your life, home, automobiles and possessions. What type of risks/accidents can happen to each of these? What type of insurance would you recommend to protect against each of these risks.""

Where would i be able to find FREE health insurance in Derry New hampshire?

""Getting a used car, and insurance the same day (which first)?""

Today I will be looking at a used car a costumer has in their mechanics shop. There is a Geico agent right around the corner from where the vehicle is, and I would like to know, if I should get insurance on the car before I test drive it, or after I know I want to buy it. I also would like to know how will I drive it after I have bought it without it's license plates, and if I can would I be able to take it to the DMV, and get plates the same day?""

Does anyone know in detail what no fault car insurance is?

I am having a problem understanding no fault car insurance. Can somebody explain how it works?

Will car insurance go up if I get a speeding ticket?

Will my car insurance rate go up if I got a speeding ticket? Im in California. This is the first one ever, and I've been driving for about 4 years now. Anyone with an answer? Thanks in advance!""

Can I claim health insurance costs?

If i am retired, 55 and have to pay my own health insurance, can I deduct them on my income taxes. Lets say the monthly premium is $500 and my anual income is $24,000""

Where can i get cheap insurance?

low rates? ???

Health and life insurance?

im needing to look into health and lfie insurance for myself, and was wondering where to start? What is everyone using? i need something reasonable and something where i dont get the run around with!! Any help appreciated!""

Car insurance?

my spouse has never had a drivers license and took my car while i was at work and had an accident . my spouse is not excluded on my policy will my insurance cover damage to other property

What are the variables included in the cost of car insurance?

What are the BASIC variables that are included in any car insurance? i.e...car color, car make, type of car, horsepower, year, age of driver, ethnicity...? Which things do they look at car wise/and driver wise that affect how much insurance you end up paying in the end? and does the speed of the car effect the cost greatly?""

How much do i need to save for a motorcycle?

I have my g1 and will be attending a motorcycle safety course soon then getting my m1. Then i can drive motorcycles. But I want to wait till next year..I am first buying my car. (03 crown vicotria) After the winter. I am 6'2 and weigh 140lbs. (17 and male) is a kawa ninja 250r a good first bike for me?? how much do i need to save for the bike itself? but also insurance?? what is your opinions?

How much qualifies as full coverage insurance?

Will this affect my car insurance rates?

Once, several years ago I had given the information to the other person but had not heard from anyone several days later, so I called my insurance... sadly (my bad) I did not get the other persons information so I was told not to worry about it until the other person reported it... that never happened... what happens here????..""

How much would car insurance cost for a 22 yr old male?

Im 22 yr old male, live in Florida and never owned a car. So how much would i cost for me to get car insurance? Im also a college student.""

Auto Insurance Company Lowballing me??? What do I do?

I have a 2001 porsche and this lady just tboned me going through a red light. Now My insurance company wants to offer me about 5000 dollars less then what I can replace it for. I sent them 10 ads in the area close to my car to show them, and they in turn had me appraised by an independent agency. This agency, BIG BLOCK, came back with a dozen examples that all had more miles then mine, and adjusted me .16 cents a mile. After doing depreciation calculations on their examples, the average dep per mile was .60 cents per mile!!!! This changes their evaluation by about 7-8000 dollars overall. Its been two weeks since they totaled my car. What should I do if they keep trying to low ball me?""

What if i don't have car insurance and i don't drive the car?

i wanna buy a car but not drive it for a while but i can't afford car insurance....can i not register until i am ready to drive it is that legal?????

Shawnee Oklahoma Cheap car insurance quotes zip 74802

How much would car insurance be for a 17 year old?? please answer?

im a male, 17 years old, recently got my g2 license, i bought a used 2000 toyota celica gt-s. how much approximatly would my car insurance be? thanks""

Is it possible to get a good used car for 3000 $ ?

I live in the Los Angeles area and I am a student .. I really need a car but I can only afford 3,000$ at the most .. Do you think I can get a pretty decent looking car for 3000$ ? and I am 25 years old , I never drove before ... How much do you think the insurance would cost approximately considering that I am 25 years old and new driver with a used car ? I really wanna know if I can get a good one for 3000$ Thanks a bunch !!!""

How do I fight an auto insurance company's liability decision?

I was T-boned by another driver who I believe rolled through a stop sign and could not have been paying attention to the road. It was a four-way stop intersection, and the insured ...show more""

Need advice on good medical insurance company?

Wanting to purchase medical insurance for a family member. Looking for a very good company who could provide major medical insurance with at least a $2,500.00 deductible. Just mainly looking for some basic coverage. Thank you for whatever advice you can give me.""

Insurance related question?

I am planning to take a savings plan insurance in SBI Life Insurance for tax benefits and for my future benefit also. Is SBI Life Insurance reliable or shall i consider for some other insurance company? If you think other Insurance company, please suggest some good company names. And do you think my option for saving plan is good or shall i look for some other plan? Your suggestions are welcome and thanks for your time.""

""I need help w/ having a DWI, sr22's and autoinsurance?""

so i got a DWI in march of 2010. I havent had my license in over a year as penalty. but now i need my license & insurance. I have no idea what to do, where to get sr22 or whatever it is, nothing. i live on my own and i dont know what to do at all. i have no help. i used to live in california. thats where i got my DWI. but im september, i moved to oregon & thats where im currently living.""

Anyone know any companies that provide really cheap insurance for uk drivers?

Can you or spouse be denied group health insurance?

I have stage 4 cancer. I have insurance through my husbands job. If my husband changes jobs and is offered insurance at the new job can I be denied insurance due to the preexisting condition? I live in Georgia. I already checked and got information on cobra.

Car insurance- estimated quote? lowest pricing company?

i'm a 17 year old new female driver. the car im looking at is a 1995 grandam. about how much would you estimate insurance will be monthly on my own plan? and what company do u find is the cheapest?

Will homeowner insurance rates go through the roof if Cap and Tax passes through the Senate?

HYPOTHETICALLY............If you are trying to sell a house, you get audited (like it says in the bill) and they say that you have to upgrade a whole lot of stuff that you can't ...show more""

Would you let me collect on your life insurance?

What would I have to do to collect on your life insurance? If I bought you life insurance and paid the premium on it and paid your funeral costs and paid your family 20% on the insurance policy would you let me collect on your insurance?? This is considering that you cannot afford life insurance yourself.

How much would the average cost of car insurance for a 16 year old male in ohio be?

Will my insurance agent report to my car bank that car is not covered no more.?

I'm with state farm. I been playing 190 monthly. Now they want me to pay 450 dollars. I just paid yesterday and my agent said my next due payment is due on 7th this month for 450 dollars. He said it was to be paid when I first got with state farm but I switched agents and now I am expected to pay next week. This is unfair and without fair notice. My insurance is going a cancle if not paid in weeks from now. What do I do. Is my car bank gonna find out car insurance got canceled. I was told it was 190 per month. I thought deposit was high but why 400 ?

""17 year old learner, got my own car - Do I just need learner insurance for now?

I'm a learner driver with my test next month and I now have my own car. I want to practice in my own car up until my test and I'm not sure whether I just need learner insurance or if the car itself needs to be insured as well? Learner insurance is around 80 for the month and for 'proper' insurance then it's around 2000. Any help?

Where can I get comprehensive car insurance to cover in Serbia and Montenegro?

I am travelling from the Uk to Serbia and Montenegro in June 2007 and want to have my car covered for this trip. My car is registered in the UK but my insurance company will not cover me for this trip.

Insurance for a street bike?

how much is insurance for a street bike starting out

Going on my dads car insurance...question?

My dad has Triple A auto insurance ..I do not live with him I am on my own in my own house, I never ask my family for help. But right now my tabs are expired and since I am only 20 I cannot afford auto insurance..they want me to put 300 down just for no fault and I think its ridiculous, Right now I dont have 300 dollars either so I asked my dad if he could help me out temporarily and put me on his car insurance ..i have a 98 cavalier so it shouldnt be that bad. its been 2 weeks and he keeps saying hes talking to the agent after tomorrow I can no longer drive my car because my tabs say march and april is comming up, I told him I would pay whatever costs to add me on it and whatever he needed a month. I was just wondering if they charge extra to add me on his insurance and my car or is he just making it up because I dont think It should take that long...like I said I am living on my own have never lived with my dad because he was in jail for a long time, moved out when i was 18 and can't get help from my mom or him,,I cant even ask to borrow money from them yet I can loan my dad 200 dollars. Feel like its so wrong, I think im doing pretty good being 20 years old working full time owning a house my own car that I bought myself and going to school...and Im having my first child.""

Does anybody have or had insurance thru esurance?

they are by far the cheapest i found for full coverage for me. i know cheaper isnt always better but i just need insurance because my car is financed. esurance isnt a very big name and i dont know anyone who actually has insurance thru them. anybody know how they are compaired to other companies?

What does health insurance cover?

i recently turned 18 and am in need of Knee surgury. if i got health insurance right now, would it cover the surgury? or would it be like trying to get a totaled car insured? if insurance doesn't cover it, what should i do? i live in NJ.""

So is this whole car dealerships thing going to affect insurance?

If the prices of the cars are going to drop, is this going to do anything to the amount of money I will have to pay for my car insurance once I turn 16? Will it go up, go down, or stay the same""

Where can i get some health insurance @ a reasonable price?

I'm need health insurance my income is very low.. where can i get health insurance at a reasonable price?

Classic car insurance..i need to insure a porsche 924 as a 2nd car.weekend use only any ideas of cheapest?

porsche 924

Car insurance... HAVE THEY GONE MAD?

Basically I am 16 and looking to buy a car that needs work, so that I have a car for when I pass my driving test. I have pretended I was born a year earlier which would make me 17 and eligible for insurance, but all the other details are true. I have also added my dad on the policy and the cheapest I got quoted was nearly 4000, and it's not like i'm going to be driving a rocket ship its a 1989 subaru justy 1.2l engine, which I have valued at 500 (double what its worth). Thus I am struggling to see why it costs so much?? BTW IT'S FIRE AND THEFT NOT EVEN FULLY COM""

How much does car insurance cost for a 16 year old?

Im a girl with good grades that would be added on to my parents insurance policy, can anyone give me a dollar estimate?""

Do you have health insurance?

if so, how much is it per month? how old are you? what kind of deductable do you have? feel free to answer also if you do not have insurance?""

Shawnee Oklahoma Cheap car insurance quotes zip 74802

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/price-quote-liability-insurance-oklahoma-henry-cox/"

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benjammintaylor · 6 years

Text

Here we go again, chemicals kickin in

Cory. You were my first kiss. the first boy I loved. You did something horrible. You used me. You took my naive heart and crumbled it when you self destructed. Time and time again you threatened to kill yourself. I spent nights. Hours. After hours. Charge after charge. Wore my battery down. I stayed and built you. I fucking built you!!! You tore down everything and made me rebuild you, over and over again. You loved the feeling. You loved the fact I made you alive. You took that and used it. You killed me and took everything I did and everything I was that made you happy and left my dry. I remember moments after you saying I love you, I caught you kissing that girl in the parking lot. That girl became my friend. Her ignorance of the matter saved her. Here’s what you stole, my monogamy and its values, my unconditional love I had stores for others, my hopes. You robbed me of those. And i’ll never have those back.

Tanner. You fucked me up. I kept trying with you. My body was on fire with you. You took that. But it’s not your total fault. You consumed me. I let you. I kept going. But enough of you. Youve been mentioned too many times. You took my fire. I got it back in a different shade. You took my friends. Lost them too. I left and left you broken. I broke you soo bad. I feel remorse but god the feeling of tearing down all that I built you to be sparked something. A monster. Growing inside. Kept it down. But he’s always back. He lives when I have I sex. When I say I love you. He is in my motives. He is what takes over that i told my past lovers, and what I will my future ones. “Something just takes over”. I wasn’t kidding.

Alyssa. I love you. You took my experience and purity. But building you into a fine woman was my goal. I could’ve spent an eternity with you. When we fused into something more than ourselves. I saw what ugly it was. I saw HOW ugly it was. It wasnt right. I was wanting more out of a person and willing to give it, more so over myself. You took a large peice of my care for others.

Jay, you too my innocence. You stole it froma drunken Christmas. I basically gave it to you. You took my security. You took my hopes of monogamy. You made it impossible. Now Im a slut.

Elton, Bryce, others. You’re my victims. Im sorry. But Im also not. I tried to be careful and change. I did for a while. But now I have the name One Month Ben. You guys have my infatuation. But not the key things that were needed to be successful. They were stolen. Others are involved too.

so here I am. Living. I’m happy. Its crazy right? But I’m happy strangely. Leaving you guys was a relief like when I fled from Tanner. I can grow. I can heal.

Elton. Bryce. Others who shall not be named.

You guys showed me what needs to be done. My search for love is over. My search for myself and pieces has begun. This monster is angelic. Im no longer the antichrist. I’m Ben. Just dont pull both of us out at the same time. Great chapter. Now it’s closed.

I stole a lot from you guys in my search. And you can have them back. I give you everything.

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isaacathom · 7 years

Text

ok ive decided stuff about the admins

theres 4 of them. theres YT, a Doctor guy, the Ceo, and a small fry who is the ‘fodder’ admin. think like..... proton??? the green guy from team rocket in gen 2/4. that guy.

cause i think that gives a good spread. cause in ‘marketing’, youd only know about the doctor and the small fry. you know YT exists, and you might assume theyre part of team whatsit, but its unconfirmed. you dont know the CEO exists at all. and in terms of team admins, two seems fair, not super unnatural. no worries.

it also gives a good spread of how these admins feel about what theyre doing and what they specifically support. YT, she hates this, but she supports the ‘goal’ of defaming the gym leaders/e4/champ. hence, she heads up that division. its not a separate goal, but any time the team wants to fuck with their reputation, YT is the one they call.

the Doc is for public safety. why is he part of a gang? thats my real problem with him but im gonna work on that later. but hes in to keep the people safe and sees the rest as a means to that end, an unfortunate stepping stone on the way to like, security n shit. hes a bit oblivious to just hoooowwww bad the leader is

the CEO is all about control. control freak. its why they were placed as the ceo of the facade company, they run shit, fastidious, they want the world just so. they dont care about the e4 or about public safety, but think that if dealing with those will lead to their perfect lil sphere of influence, theyll make pretend.

the small fry is basically just leader lite. they totally idolise the leader of team whatsit, and as such they just PARROT it. they emulate the leader in every way, minus tact and like, general competence. so theyre just like, cult like, its kinda fucked if you think about it. the reason theyre an admin is basically just as a fall guy.

the idea here is that soon, soooooon, team whatsit’s facade company is gonna do a MASSIVE raid on a team whatsit warehouse, and they will capture small fry. hand them over to the police. because small fry is actually an admin, they can act convincingly to the police, but because the other admins arent actually divulging secrets to small fry, they are at noo risk of being uncovered through this. as a result of this, to ensure small fry doesnt know too much, theyve only heard fake names of the other admins, fake locations and shit about them, and theyve ONLY met the leader face to face. their news comes to them through letters exclusively. they dont know anything more than they should.

and itd be fun because when YOU meet small fry, which is before the Big Raid, they tell you all this super innacurate information. like, you already know who the Doc is (because he does have a name i just havent made it up yet), but this small fry tells you a completely incorrect name. like everything he says in incorrect. and youre like, what the fuck is happening??? why is this admin so out of loop?

and the thing is, its pretty fucked up, because if the small fry realises that theyve been tricked, that the leader betrayed them and is getting them genuinely sent to jail (because to break them out would be to put the whole peace facade at risk), they cant actually tattle. because they dont know ANYTHING. theyre fucked, basically. the only way that admin gets off is if the leader admits everything, or if you (the player) found something that proved their ‘innocence’ and lack of evil intent. you probably wouldnt, though. cause the idea is, this admin is REALLY small fry. you encounter them maybe twice, once separately in a small town where they attempt to orchestrate smth, like a rbbery of a family business, something petty. and then once during the raid, which you take part in, i think. cause you ran errands for the CEO, and they call on you for another favour because youre oh so talented, to help them raid the warehouse and capture small fry. and you do! you get to small fry and theyre captured. CEO congratulates you with a nice sum of money, and tells you that if you ever wants a job with the company when youre older, that the door is always open. thats the laaaast time you see small fry (they might be mentioned on tv occasionally thereafter because of the story trigger), and its the last time you mandatorily see the CEO before theyre revealed to be Big Ol Bad.

idk. i think its fun? like it sucks for small fry because i imagine theyre young, possibly a similar age to YT (who is, AT MOST, 25, and much more likely to be around 20 years old), or a lil younger, say 18. naive, enamoured. poor kid.

i think small fry is the only admin you cant actually rescue, unless theyres a post game story (side story, because in my Dream of Dreams theres like 5 post game subplots because fuck you god i live my life) in which you visit them in the police center and help em clear their name. dunno how THAT’d manifest. maybe its part of a YT story. like, post game, you do a bunch of YT missions to help the tie up loose ends. free small fry. help the doctor. punch the ceo in the face. that sort of thing. i mean thats incredibly vague.

i mean, you cant rescue the CEO or the Leader either. the doctor is probably fine. YT is either captured voluntarily or disappears into the ether only to reappear to roundhouse kick elito and leave again. possibly a combob. idk. thatd be an interesting idea for post game. or, ooh, something to do with the gym leaders. helping them sorta rebuild the city, that sorta shit. cause like, the city (Melbourne, fuckeeeeerrrrssss) got straight up fucked. not as bad as like, opelucid that one time, though that was also JUST some ice and it maybe caused some minor flooding. this shit was like rage on the streets, or something. lot of damage. bunch of broken windows. worker and police npcs everywhere. yknow.

and you help them fix that up, maybe while hunting down the CEO, perhaps, or the leader if they made a getaway. im thinking the CEO, because if the leader got away itd be a kind of cop out (see at least with ghetsis he broke out BETWEEN games. thats a difference), but the CEO being out in the wild isnt hyper unusual.

idk. thats some far future shit.

as far as encounters with the admins goes???? or with the team in general. so first you meet grunts, and then you meet small fry (1). meet more grunts, and perhaps thats how you meet CEO (-1), through being witnessed. idk. whoo. then you meet more grunts, and then im thinking you meet Doc (1). then you meet CEO (0) again, after you run the errand, and then you go off to the next town without incident before the raid, where you ruin small frys (2) life. then im thinking you keep going and thats when you meet YT (1) as an admin for the first time, when you decide to keep dishing out vigilante justice and go after them in another place. after you, you encounter CEO (1) as admin as well. this is JUST before chaos city shit, in which you will fight CEO (2) DOC (2) and YT (2) again. its also where youll meet leader (1). and im thinking you might fight them twice. the first time solo, and the second time after the summoning of the legendaries, in which its a double fight with leader (2) and CEO/YT (3?), depending. then you win, congrats. you only fight doc twice. after you beat him in the city he exits the building to go help people on the street, and he is not present at the whatsit climax.

not sure if the double battle is with YT or CEO. might depend on in what order you fight them in the city. you do see YT before you get to the building, as YT is in the pokemon center and tells you to leave for your own safety. also with the double battle, not sure if you and your friend have the legendarie or they do. both make sense. i like both. also why is your friend there? mans powerful.

problem with that rundown is it DOES possibly remove the whole ‘elito fucking flees’ scenario but that could easily be slotted into the skyscraper thing and serve to remove YT from the climax of it, thus leaving the double battle as Leader/CEO. Besides, youve fought YT BEFORE that as well. theres the optional fight that lets you skip doing like the 3rd gym until way later, and theres a fight i think befor and after that one. one really early, not when she first meets you in like the first town that isnt your home, maybe the one after that. and then theres another in between like. the doc fight and the small fry battle. maybe yt tries to prevent you from joining the raid (UNDERSTANDABLY given what happened to her). thatd be fun. and thatd be the last time you see her before the admin reveal. yea, thatd work ok.

ofc the problem is pacing. aside from the fact that Fuck Me I cant Pace Worth a Shit, the towns need to be placed good. the last thing i want is a repeat of west kalos which was the MOST BORING THING THAT EVER HAPPENED. god fuck west kalos. west kalos is ass. cause you beat viola, right, and then you go to lumiose, go to the useless town, go to the manor up the road, go to another useless town, go to a cave, THEN you get to the next town and fight grant and its like what the fuck was that about. god that shit was stupid. you didnt even get to fight an admin at the end of that cave shit. god that was dumb. god fuck west kalos.

but yea. you dont wanna repeat it. and one way we do that is by not arbitrarily shutting off half of a fucking city. mostly because pokeMelbourne would be more uh, city on melemele than Lumiose Cuck Fuck. Hold on, i need to do a quick comparison in sizes, hold up.

well. melbourne certainly is bigger than paris. but i think, oooh, OOOOOOHHHH, ooooooooh no ive got an idea. cause like, /i/ live in the city of melbourne right, despite being a solid hour from the cbd, im like half way from the city to the east beaches. (ok more like a third but bare with me)

so. you could have a biiiig sprawling city that is actually divided into 3 ‘places’. like, its a big urban sprawl. and youve got the cbd, which is ‘the city proper’, which is where the chaos takes place. and then there are two outer suburbs of the city!!!! which means you could have multiple gyms within the same ‘city’, because the city by square kms is Fucking Giganto like, guys, Paris is like 100sq kms and melbourne is 9900sq kms, get the Fuck out of here, oh my god. shit, even new york (castelia) is like, 800sq kms. buddy. buddy we’re in. oh buddy that sounds so cool. cause then it means, ooh, if we /wanted/ to do something akin to skipping the gym in lumiose the first time, it wouldnt be an issue, because there are still two other gyms. you dont feel like its a useless detour. like oh no, a power outage, cant even walk the fucking streets, wow. not like backup generators exist.

but like, youd have home town, then next town with the first gym (and your first YT encounter, sans fight because she doesnt fight you), THEN you enter the city outskirts and its a second gym, then the city proper and you skip that gym because thats like the 5th gym, then you head out the western outskirts and fight the 3rd gym. something like that! and the connecting routes would be city streets slowly getting more and more urban the closer you get to the city proper. ooooooOOOOOOHHH yea i like that, i like that a lot.

see this is fun. i love this

#story blogging #ive been writing this post for at least an hour yeeeeee #went from admin shit to 'hey how does this region go' and i really like the idea of a city that spreads over multiple locations #instead of just hitting the city limits and suddenly civilisation is dead. because thats not how cities work???#at least in this state where my capital city is like a thousand times bigger than paris. get fucked #also wow im way closer to the cbd relative to the rest of victoria than i thought. huh. lack of depth understanding strikes again #codename seren

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