#Violent impulses

[impunkster-syndrome]

I think a lot of people don't understand that having violent thoughts and impulses isn't the same as actions.

If someone is an asshole, my first thought is often along the lines of "Get hit by a bus." But I generally don't say it. I'll be seen as an aggressor, and it makes someone more resistant to my point or what I was saying. It's having self-control imposed upon me by social rules.

I want to scream. To beat the shit out of someone with a bat. To be the reason someone is wounded if they fuck me over. I can't, though. Laws, interpersonal consequences, having to carefully curate a persona of being soft and timid to protect myself and others from knowing my inner raging want of blood and violence.

But, I don't do it. I won't get away with it. If someone did that to me I'd hate it. I need to look meek and quiet to get by without abuse.

Maybe younger me/the original had somewhat of a point when she likened herself to both a wolf in sheep's clothing and a sheep in wolf's clothing.

#madpunk #neuropunk #aspd #bpd #cluster b #violent impulses

[system-of-a-feather]

Before I go to the gym I did want to ramble a bit on this since I usually talk about it in a very "haha ego" tone, but honestly, having very intense and strong violent fantasies and urges and a trauma-centered/functioned thirst, joy, and high in violence in a world where that isn't good or okay and there are Laws because it is a Society honestly is really annoying and sucks.

Like its easy to paint those as "owo evil psychopath" and its easy (I guess) with the radical valid uwu-ness fo the internet to write that off "uwu poor violent meow wow" but imo neither of them really are right.

Cause I'm not so stuck in my trauma that I don't realize that the world I was made for is an outlier and not representative of what it really is; and I'm not so stuck that I don't realize that following that trauma-driven need and high is only going to get me in places that my trauma would have wanted me to be in. I'm not gonna do it because I know that is "what my trauma would have wanted" and because its not going to help me; but I'm also not this innocent bun for having this either nor am I bluffing how intensely I want to go run off on them sometimes.

It sucks that something I have formed such an intense joy and positive emotional relationship to - something that brings me such fun an excitement from my childhood - is something that is both illegal, self destructive and forbidden. It's not needed anymore so the very thing I was formed to do and favorite joy in life is Not Allowed Anymore because it would be harmful to our life.

Violence, life-death crisis, and coming out on top of all of those is a childhood high of mine - arguably the majority of what I as a part remember growing up with. It's a huge part of my identity and an original large part of what brought me joy "in my childhood" and to be a functioning human out of a trauma environment and to do the best by my system and myself I've had to agree to swear off and leave all the plans I had growing up as "fantasies and ideation" and while I am MORE than willing and glad to sign up on it - that doesn't remove how much it sucks to throw a lot of the shit that brought you joy and excitement growing up and stuff that has become such a large part of your identity and life aside and start from scratch.

I'm already throwing away like 20 years of identity shaping life experiences aside to learn to live a better life for myself and my parts. I'm already exhibiting such restraint and mature growth and honestly thats why its a large reason about why I am so loudly honest about those fantasies and feelings.

If I am not allowed to act on it and I have to forfeit what was my childhood happiness and joy - then the very least I should be allowed to do is be honest and free to talk about them.

If anyone wants to tell me that I can't say that shit or I have to hide it or whatever, they are officially asking too much from me and I think they're overstepping boundaries because I am ALREADY doing a lot to be an acceptable human being and to recover. If someone wants me to still do that and hide and pretend to be better than I am, then I often just feel like I should jsut throw out ALL that Ive been giving up and just go have fun cause people will keep asking for more than I naturally can provide. Of course, even when I feel like that, I still can't and won't cause I owe it to my system more than I owe it to myself and more than I find myself annoyed and pissed with the boundary being crossed - and instead I tend to just block and remove said person from my life but ya know.

Like yes I am intensely loud about this and it might look like Im overplaying it because no one who actually thinks and has those would be so loud and obvious about it - but thats the whole point. I'm saying it to cope with the fact I won't do it. It's an alternative.

But anyways, I digress.

Evil Alter Rights matter too, man. Evil Alter Rights matter too. /mostly joking

-XIV

#alter: xiv #feel free to reblog and add if you feel #violent impulses #homicidal ideation #aspd #aspd tw #violence tw

[divineevil]

#ski mask #me #what you’ll find here #blood guts n pussy #violent impulses

[cringyguuurl]

I want to hurt. Just fucking punch me already take out all your frustrations on me. I need it, i need the pain. I want the blood and the cries. Slit my throat JUST FUCKING DO IT ALREADY MERCY KILL ME

#tw suicide #tw death #tw violence #violent impulses #anger issues #bpd vent #bpd #hurtcore

[miss-celestia13]

Richy and Aylin 🔥

Thank you so much for the love for these two recently! I am beyond grateful for every like, comment and reblog. I thought nobody would read or like it due to the pairing and some other things. Grateful just doesn’t cover it 🥰

I’ve fallen for these two so hard. They’re so much fun to play with. No boundaries, just selfish needs and wants. It’s so exciting to write something smutty where I can let my imagination run free without worrying about plot, character morals, emotions and everything that comes with that. It’s kind of freeing.

It was a change for me and a challenge I loved. Darker romance was something new to me. As were twisted characters. I’m so glad I was asked to do the first one or the second wouldn’t have happened! And it’s my favourite of the two. I usually hate and tear everything I write apart once it’s posted so it’s rare for me to still like something now. It was so much fun to do, so that helped. Whenever they decide to demand I write them another smutty adventure, I’ll share it and hope you don’t get sick of me😂

Links to the first two for anyone interested. Fucking, running from the law and two dark minds coming together to see how far they can push the other.

Run Towards the Monster

Kiss With a Fist

Thank you for everything! I still am so nervous each time I post but you have made it such an incredible experience. I can never repay that.

❤️

#thank you for your love #duskwood fandom #fanfic #rough smut #dark smut #duskwood fanfiction #dark romance #pain and pleasure #duskwood #duskwood everbyte #spicy content #duskwood game #duskwood mc #duskwood smut #smut #smut time #filthy #pain play #violent impulses #duskwood oneshot #duskwood oc #duskwood richy #smut oneshot #smut peddler #shameless smut #angry smut #smutshot #smut smut fic #smut writing #fanfiction

[lizsurvived]

I have to admit, no one knows about my secret lil tumbler about what happened to me. The people in my life know it happened but no one else; but they have no clue I'm doing this. Ig its because I know it's intense. But honestly, idk if anything will come of this tumbler. But either way, I think it's important that I keep writing.

My current partner (not my monster of an ex) is the kindest, gentlest and most caring and affectionate man. I love him so much. I hope it lasts forever lol, we are so alike and we have so much fun together. We respect each other and are very communicative. He's aware of everything that happened with my ex.

I still can't really believe it happened.

What's worse is that I had gone back to see him yet again, a week after it happened. I know. What the fucking fuck was wrong with me, you're asking yourself. I'm asking myself the same thing. I must have had insane Stockholm syndrome... He was very manipulative. I was manic and completely alone in the world with no friends or family who I could see in person to talk to. Don't worry, I made it out without a scratch that time, and will never go back.

My current partner and I met about 7 months ago about 2 months after I moved closer to my sister. We were off and on for a while because he and I both have mental illness and couldn't seem to communicate well enough. He broke up with me kind of, he claims I was forcing him into doing it. Who knows who was right about that, we we're both so out of it mentally, both of us were all over the place. Now, we are both medicated and it's night and day.

I don't think I've ever known true love until I met my current partner. He is everything a man ought to be. I love him for all of him. The good and the bad (although with him, the good outweighs the bad every single fucking time). I also feel that he and I love each other equally. One doesn't love one more than the other. We love each other completely. He's a nerd which I resonate with lol. And he's extremely talented! I fell in love with him almost instantly. Our bond was strong and our chemistry was everything.

Then he broke up with me one night out of the blue after a month of dating. My sister wrote me off for about 5 months for a while... You have to understand, she and I were best friends my entire life... I had no one to talk to. No one to go to. I was so depressed and so sad... I admit that's when I drove to see my ex. Unfortunately for me, I didn't know that my current partner would later contact me again to reconnect... I definitely wouldn't have done what I did. I was so love sick... Its hard to explain and it's just... A lot. I know.

My current partner spoke of how he feels guilty.. my sister and I recently reconnected and I felt that I had to tell her what happened while we werent talking. I had to tell her that my first thought when I was about to pass out from being strangled was that I was never going to see my sister again or my family again.

The relief I feel now that my sister and I are talking again... Is so immense. It feels as if I was in an ice bath whereas now my body feels more at ease and my mind feels less burdened.

It's hard not to feel responsible for what he did to me. I knew he was dangerous. I guess I just truly didn't expect anything like that to happen to me. Didn't think he could go that far. People should know about what he did. I'm just too afraid to tell anyone who he is for fear of his reaction if or when he finds out. I'm terrified of him and so should anyone be.

He has put multiple men in hospitals. When he fights he wins. He is scary. He has violent priors. Very manipulative. I'm extremely concerned for his next girlfriend. I'm worried he could definitely kill someone... I have basically no legal leg to stand on except for a t shirt with blood and DNA all over it from that night.

Please. If you know anyone who does pro bono law or knows someone who does, if they think I have a leg to stand on, please drop me a line.

#domestic violent relationships #violent impulses #violent night #abuse survivor #trauma survivor #ptsdsurvivor #complex ptsd #shellshocked #i almost died #abusiveboyfriend #physical abuse

[jaakey]

#violent impulses

[tipsygnostalgix]

#bpd #pitty #girlblogger #girlblogging #addiction #violence #resentment #internet weaving #or me trying to get into that #anger #rage #violent impulses #blood mention #mine #the poem isnt mine and idk where its from but its on the itnernet a lot #tragic party girl

[moon-meerkat]

ruthlessly beating up my childhood bullies wouldn't fix everything. but it would partly repair something. the balance of the universe, maybe

#actually bullied #violent impulses

[lenfantsauvagestuff]

Who wants to commit war crimes with me???

#lenfantsauvage #violent impulses #violent thoughts #violent crime

[egopathic]

How tf does one cope w really violent and cruel intrusive thoughts, having a hard time rn

i’m struggling w this too.

honestly i’m only getting thru it by putting distance between myself and others, taking a ton of breaks to be alone, smoking too much, showering a lot and working out (weightlifting, light cardio and boxing). the key is mostly distraction and when you can allow yourself to dwell on the thoughts, ask yourself if there is another way to get those needs met.

for me i’ve been having a hard time with not physically harming grindr guy after some shit with him, so my therapist Laura asked me if i could hurt him in a way that won’t get me put in behind bars- and there is (mental torture!).

it will definitely take a ton of adjustments to start getting in control of your intrusive or desired violent impulses, so don’t lose hope.

a great place to start is simply keeping prison in the back of your mind as a deterrent, and moving ahead by finding other things that feel at least comparable to hurting someone.

#questions and answers #violent impulses #homicidal thoughts #grindr guy

[glitter-abyss]

biggest pet peeve of watching gotham is oswald holding his cane ON THE WRONG SIDE GIRL YOU’RE GONNA GET SCOLIOSIS NO STOP 

#gotham tv #oswald cobblepot #they really said fuck this it's aesthetics only #violent impulses #gotham

[malicious-vampire]

A forever crumbling mental state - Doodles from last year

#really made the same start-of-the-year mistake as everyone where I accidentally write the number from the past year instead of the new one #sketches like this really help me calm down and focus on something else #szpd #cluster b #npd #aspd #npd safe #schizoid #actually aspd #aspd safe #actually cluster b #personality disorder #horror art #violent impulses #mental health problems

[cringyguuurl]

I'm in so much pain I want to scream until my lungs collapse, I want to kick and scream and hurt someone... otherwise it's gonna be myself

#tw self harm #tw sh related #cry for help #trauma #depression #sad bs #violent impulses #bpd #bpd vent #suicide mention #suicidal

[pansy-placebo]

This viscerally disgusts me. Not just because it's nsfw or whatever- I used to draw smut for a living- it's just gross for some reason and I can't really articulate why, it's just abhorrent and I hate this ad so much and want to hurt whoever made it

#i hate adverts #advertising #disgusting #implied violence #violent impulses

[cerebralpigeon]

MAULS YOU TO DEATH !!!!!!

#violent impulses #im probably just tired #but i want to put my teeth in something about it #instead of not doing that and being normal