#a clear coat.... a little bit of nail art if he’s feeling fancy....

[miekasa]

Levi with painted nails.

That's all, bye

I’m with it. I see the vision, he is the moment

#anonymous #i don’t think he would actually paint them too often just bc i think he would be concerned about it Clashing with his outfits #bc he’s a little diva fashionista on the low 🙄🙄 #but he gets manicures i know thags right #a clear coat.... a little bit of nail art if he’s feeling fancy....

[taeescript]

29 + 1 (Part Two)

𝔰𝔶𝔫𝔬𝔭𝔰𝔦𝔰: In which Seokjin is the Devil from The Devil Wears Prada, Taehyung is your work Jesus and Jimin is your handsome successful brother.

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: seokjin x reader (squint harder than before for taehyung x reader) 

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: slice of life; ceo!seokjin; a dash of enemies to lovers au 

𝔴𝔠: 7.6k

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: language; a plethora of drunk people, maybe a sext, and a ton of lying (possible implication of impending smut?!) 

𝔞/𝔫: this part came out longer than i thought it would be but *shrugs* feedback and thoughts always welcomed. enjoy (:  𝔡𝔦𝔰𝔠𝔩𝔞𝔦𝔪𝔢𝔯: DailyHive is real; this is not associated with it 

part one || part three 

The bright pop music that is blaring from the speakers does little to slow your animated talking. Bodies are packed into the small local bar, and students on summer break fill booths and form a snake of impatient, drunk (and horny) people. A slow trickle of the brazen has started to fill the dance floor as the evening morphs into the night.

  You whip your hair into a ponytail and dab at the sweat that is beading your forehead. You definitely should have worn that sleeveless top rather than this thicker t-shirt dress.

  “So, is he like your sugar daddy or something?” Taehyung asks, “Also drink.”

  Friday nights were usually spent at home, snuggled under the blankets in your pjs binging another rewatch of Friends. After work today, you could no longer hold onto your secret and invited Taehyung out for drinks. His girlfriend, Fei, was supposed to join but had been held back for overtime.

  You tip the shot back with no chase.

  “You’re a monster,” he comments as he bites into his lemon piece.

  The two of you had made a bet at the beginning of the evening: you each chose a pop song and each time it played, the nominee had to take a shot. That was your fourth of the night, and to say there was a bit of a buzz is an understatement.

  “It’s all throat technique, Tae,” you say with a bit of a slur, “Hit the back and swallow. No innuendo intended. Also, why the hell haven’t you had any to drink?”

  “You picked ‘Peaches’ for fuck’s sake.”

  “I told you I don’t listen to pop music. It was the first one playing.”

  “And shouldn’t that have told you something? Justin Bieber of all people?”

  “Shut up. It’s your song.” You nod at the pink-faced barista for another round. She slaps your order in front of the two of you without so much a glance.

You don’t even know what song is playing, but you feel quite satisfied watching Taehyung make a face as he downs it in one go.

  He clears his throat after the liquor has burned its way down to his stomach. “Back to my question: is he your sugar daddy?”

  You bark out a laugh. Was he? Perhaps the fact that he paid for fancy meals at lunch? Those have been his one o’clock meetings for the past two months.

  “I don’t know. I’d rather he buy me a car or pay my rent if anything. A casual 1k a week wouldn’t be so bad either. We just sit in his office and eat in secret, Tae. He’s ‘training me in the art of culinary cuisine’. I think it’s just so I don’t embarrass him by stuffing a shrimp cocktail up my nose.”

  “You do know – ”

“Yes, I know. And I would never. It’s a metaphor. It’s just that the position ‘intern’ is quite loosely defined at DailyHive, don’t you think?”

  Taehyung rinses his mouth with water before speaking. “So let me get this right. Mr. Kim calls you into his office, says he’s going to take you as his guest to the biggest tech event of the year, treats you to lunches and doesn’t ask for anything in return? No secret midnight meetups or shady business deals…”

  You shake your head.

  “Damn,” Taehyung says, resting his arm on the bar table, “Forget sugar daddy. He’s just daddy.”

  Sticking your tongue out, you gag visibly at his comment. “Do not ever call him that again, Tae; ev-er.”

  He laughs and watches you pensively. After a moment’s thought, he says, “Nobody has ever called me Tae.”

  “What do they call you then?” you reply, wrinkling your brows together. A cute brunette across the room catches your eyes and for the briefest of seconds, you wonder what a one-night-stand would feel like.

  He shrugs. “Just Taehyung.”

  The brunette waves in your direction. You are about to return his wave when an equally cute brunette runs up to him. He promptly kisses her before swivelling her around to join his group of friends.

  “Sorry. Do you want me to stop? I just assumed since we were out of the office…”

Oh Fate, how cruel you are. Life of twenty cats and solidarity, here you come. Maybe dogs. You feel like you could be more of a dog person.

  “No,” he stops you, “You can call me Tae. Whatever you want.”

  You turn your attention back on the also cute brunette in front of you. In all honestly, despite his youthful god-like countenance, he looks slightly out of place at this college bar with you in his upstanding business attire and dorkishly adorable thick-framed glasses.

  “Sure. How about Tee-Tee? Or Hyungie? The TaeMan?” You wiggle your brows with the suggestion.

  “God help me.”

  The two of you clink your shot glasses together even though neither of your songs are being played.

  His Apple watch lights up to indicate an incoming message. He relays the text to you, “Fei’s done work. She’s on her way now.” You can’t help but notice a shift in his previously excited demeanor.

  You nudge him with your elbow. “Aren’t you excited? She’ll need a glass of wine or two to destress after work. I might be projecting onto you for this part, but you’re buzzed. So after we get her to unwind I’m sure the overwhelming power of pheromones will get you lucky tonight.” You wink at him to emphasize your point.  

“She’s not a big drinker. She’s probably just going to come and ask to leave in five minutes. Bars like this aren’t really her thing either,” he states. He then unbuckles his watch and tucks it away into the pocket of his pants. Undoing the cuffs of his shirt, he rolls up the sleeves and continues to regard you solemnly. “Okay, next round is one me. Are you absolutely sure you don’t want to switch songs?”

  You notice how nice, long, and slender his fingers are. Plus the thing of girls liking when men have visible veins on their forearm? That had never really caught your attention until now.

  “She’s a bit of a bitch,” you say and immediately regret, “Shit, sorry. That just slipped out. Alcohol.”

  He offers you his water to drink.

  “I mean, she’s a little…uptight at times? But people can be completely different in and out of work. I can only imagine how stressful it is in her position. Working overtime until 9pm on a Saturday night seriously sucks,” you say to try and mend your wrongdoing.

  “Fei in the office is basically Fei at home,” he says softly, “It’s always work with her.”

  “We support career-driven women, yeah?” A smile is offered from you to him.

  He finally lets out a small one and nods. Out of the blue, he reaches over and covers your hand with his. Staring intently into your eyes, he says, “I know she makes you do her reports and occupies your time to do her coffee runs as well. You can say no to her. She may be my girlfriend, but you’re technically my intern, and I will stand on your side no matter what.”

  “Um, okay. Thanks, Tae,” you say. His sincerity has caught you off guard.

  At that moment, the sound of clicking heels pierce its way into your eardrums through the noise of the even busier bar. Taehyung quickly retracts his hand.

  Fei arrives, not a hair out of place in her tightly pulled bun. Her lips are painted a striking red against the paleness of her skin, and her manicured nails dig into the forearm of Taehyung when she reaches them. Even though she is wearing an otherwise drab office business suit, the curvature of her body draws quite a few glances from the younger men in the crowd.

  “It’s like a zoo here,” she sneers, turning away from a sacrificial lamb who had been bold enough step out of his circle of friends to greet her with a sleezy “hey”.

  “Hi, Fei. Busy night?” you greet her first.

  She gives you a tight-lipped smile. “Yes. I don’t know why you weren’t there. Isn’t it the intern’s job to complete reports?”

  Again, a loosely defined use of “intern” at DailyHive.

  You return her smile with a crisp one of your own.

  She turns away from you and regards Taehyung, who looks as if he had been the sacrificial lamb instead. “Teddybear, let’s go home. You know this type of place isn’t my vibe. I’m getting a headache already.”

  You raise an eyebrow at his pet name.

  He turns a little bit pinker, if that is possible under the current alcohol-induced glow of his cheeks, and says, “Um, sure. Y/N, are you going to be okay getting home?”

  Waving him off, you show him your phone. “30% left. I’ve got pepper spray in my bag and enough booze in me to not run from a fight. I’ll call an Uber home soon, don’t worry.”

  Fei has already begun to fight her way through the squirming, dancing bodies. Taehyung glances quickly at her and turns back to you once last time. “Text me that you’re home safe.”

  “Will do, boss,” you smile at him warmly.

  He lingers for just a moment more before running after his impatiently waiting girlfriend.

  You turn back to the bar and order another beer for yourself. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is perhaps the biggest perk of being single.

...

On the opposite side of town, sinking deeply into a soft lounge chair is Seokjin enjoying a rare evening out with his best friend. He has swapped his usual attire for a more relaxed fit of a white oversized crewneck and techwear bottoms. A heavy, exorbitant fur-lined long leather coat hangs on the coat rack beside the door to their private VVIP room. He swirls his glass of Chateau Lafite before sipping delicately.

  Outside, only a handful of patrons sit quietly engrossed in their own conversations. It is a relatively empty night at the high-end lounge. A lady sings sultrily on stage with the smooth background of a saxophone as accompaniment.

  Junho has poured himself another glass while he is talking to Seokjin. Seokjin had since slightly tuned out his friend’s rather elongated rendition of another celebrity sighting to occupy his mind with another individual.

  “Earth to Jin? When did you get so lightweight since I’ve been gone?” Junho waves a hand in front of Seokjin’s nose.

  Seokjin blinks to refocus.

  “The mansion I bought last year or the one I bought last month?” he reiterates. Sensing that Seokjin truly had no idea what the topic at hand had been, he tries again.

  “Where should I do my birthday party this year, man? I thought the mansion from last year since it’s closer to the city, but I feel like it’s been reused too many times. It’s not completely furnished yet, but the property I got last month is significantly bigger and I can probably host more people.”

  “The new place then,” Seokjin answers half-heartedly.

  Junho grumbles something intelligible.

  “What did you say?”

  “Nothing,” Junho sighs, “Tell me what’s new with you. How’s that little project of yours going? I still can’t believe you won’t let me know who you’re planning to take to the Gala.”

  Seokjin had refused to release even the slightest detail about you to Junho. Letting him know that Seokjin had agreed to one of his plans would be enough to inflate Junho’s ego for at least a little while.

  “It’s been going...”

  Junho waits for more of Seokjin’s answer, but his friend’s attention has been turned to a received text.

  10:17pm “Safe and sound, Teddy Bear.”

  10:17pm “Or should I say Taeddybear? 🥴”

10:18pm “That last beer done me rael godo.”

  10:18pm “Real good**”

  Seokjin raises a brow at the unknown number. He responds back.

  10:18pm “Who is this? I think you’ve got the wrong number.”

  Junho crosses his legs and sits back with a sigh. He presses the button to request for an attendant.

  10:19pm “You know who… Anyways, I just wanted to say thank you for saying you’ve got my back. It’s definitely appreciated.”

  The response doesn’t do much except to further pique Seokjin’s curiosity.

  “Sorry,” he says, sliding his phone back into his pocket, “Rogue text I think.”

  Junho shrugs. “Is that right? Seems to have caught your attention.” There is now a manner of indifference to his voice.

  “It’s going well, by the way – answering your question. I mean, all things considered. It’s not like I have to teach her how not to stuff a cocktail shrimp up your nose.”

  His friend snorts. “I’d be concerned and against this person if it’s who you’re planning to bring.”

  Seokjin’s phone buzzes again.

  10:21pm “Pray for me when I wake up with the worst hangover of my life. I’m going to bed now.”

  A moment of silence.

  10:21pm “I hope I didn’t piss off Fei tonight for stealing you for the evening.”

  10:22pm “Okay I’ll shut up now. Please don’t tell me you’re reading this. You should be getting some 😼💦.”

  The emoji makes Seokjin choke, liquid sputtering from his lips.

  Junho cusses. He angrily dabs at the speckle of red wine that has landed on his pearly white top.

  10:23pm Download attached image. “Just in case, here’s a little something to get the night started 😉”

  “What the hell man?” Junho gets up and makes his way to the bathroom. Luckily, the previously called attendant had arrived in time to escort him.

Seokjin barely notices that he is alone in room as he taps the download button. It isn’t until he has returned home and is looking at the picture one last time before bed that he realizes who his mysterious texter is.

  The employee nametag clipped to the collar of your workday shirt hanging on the arm of a chair can only be found when zoomed in past your painted toes and naked feet.

... 

You cannot hide your nervousness when you arrive at your “lunch meeting” the following Monday morning. All weekend, you had cursed yourself for not better checking who the recipient of your texts were before pressing send. Never had you thought that in your drunken stupor you would mix up “The Devil” in your contact list with “Taehyung Kim.” Curse you and your lack of friends beginning with the letter “T”.

  You balk before, a hand poised in perfect position for a knock. Maybe he didn’t download it? And even if he did, it was just a troll feet pic. You had made sure that it was as pg-13 as possible before you had sent it.

  “Hi,” you greet sheepishly when he has given you the go to enter.

  In a smart plain blue button-up and round frames that are almost certainly for the aesthetics, the CEO of the company and your boss sizes you up and down.

  “I know we’ve gotten to know each other better these past few weeks. But you’d think it’s still common courtesy to at least make eye contact,” he says. You look at him wide eyed without a word.

  He rolls his eyes but does not gesture to your usual seat. In fact, you don’t spy a take-out container in sight. He instead stands up and picks up his phone, walking to the door. He notices you have yet to move.

  “Let’s get moving. You’ve only got a 45 minute lunch.”

  You scramble to match his speed and catch Taehyung’s eye as you grab your jacket at your desk. Taehyung’s gaze follows you as you hurry to leave in pursuit of Seokjin’s coattail.

... 

The restaurant is a popular vegan establishment with a plethora of greenery crawling up its high ceilings and a window-framed overview of the city’s skyline. Waiters and waitresses who may just as well be walking New York Fashion Week serve you brunch mimosas on a golden plate; they attentively wait to the side in case you ever run out of water.

  Common topics are rare between the two of you. Initially, you respectfully kept quiet and only answered questions when asked, but you have never been one for awkward silence. Yes, it’s awkward only if you make it awkward; there is just no denying the hanging suspense that curls your toes each time. Recently, you have started with simple inquiries regarding the company, who they might meet at the Gala and everyday mundane topics.

  “You’re probably wondering why we’re out of the office,” Seokjin says. He continues shortly after taking a bite of his meal and ignores the look of your surprise at his initiation of a conversation. “My office has been getting stuffy with the warmer weather so I thought it’d be nice to get some fresh air. How’s the food?”

You nod, making small sounds of contentment as you chew on the Avocado Lime Tartare. Mmm… tart-y.

  He takes a deep breath in, stalling the incoming conversation. “It’s my friend’s birthday this next weekend.”

  “Oh,” you say, “Happy early birthday to him.”

  “He’s my best friend.”

  “Well… An extra happy early birthday to him.”

  A sigh. “Are you free next weekend?”

  Your chewing comes to a halt and you blink once at his question. Next weekend is the weekend before the Silver Gala. It is also the sole weekend before your birthday the following Friday after the Gala. You had hoped to spend it with Taehyung and maybe even Jimin who had promised to be in town on a long overdue vacation despite your chastising to visit your parents first.

  He senses your trepidation. Quickly, he explains himself, 

“He’s having a birthday party Saturday night. He has a place about an hour north of here. I can have somebody pick you up if that’s more convenient. I don’t have a birthday present for him and thought it’d be nice for you to meet him.”

  “You’re giving him me for a present?” you ask, incredulously.

  He bites his tongue. He never anticipated how awkward this conversation could go.

  “You’re going as my plus one. He really wants to meet you; in fact, he insisted that you be there. He’ll be at the gala too. I have something else planned for his birthday present,” he adds hastily, “Besides, you’re less than qualified as a present.”

  Musing silently to yourself, you wonder if in any situation should a human be qualified as a present. Despite that, you hate yourself as you agree on the spot.

  The rest of the lunch passes by quickly in dull silence. As Seokjin pays for the meal on the company card (and hands you the receipt for reimbursement), you note that there has been no comment made on any strange photos texted to him over the weekend.

  Perhaps being nonchalantly implied as a human birthday gift to a stranger is your karma for sending weird texts to your boss.

  Seokjin stays inside the car as he drops you off at the office after lunch, already preparing for his next business meeting. You nod your goodbye and step onto the pavement through the courteously held open door of the limousine.

“Y/N, try a soft pink. Fuchsia is not your colour,” he tells you as the door is closed.  

He then leaves you standing in front of the large office doors, staring at your chipped, week-old purple toenails.

... 

“I’m not exactly expecting a package in the mail or a dress laid out on the hotel bed – ”

“You guys are staying at a hotel?” Taehyung says over the phone.

  You are standing in your bedroom, an hour before when Seokjin is supposed to pick you up as an offering to his best friend. There are two dresses laid out on your Hello Kitty bed covers: a simple black dress you had worn once when you were a little bit more in shape and your prom dress.

  “No, I’m at home. But I mean, let me play into this movie metaphor.”

  “You suck at metaphors.”

  You have your phone propped up on some pillows so that you can see Taehyung as you debate your fashion decision. He is in a relaxed white tee, hair messily framing his face after a shower and a bowl of popcorn in his hands. You watch as a droplet of water runs down his face from his still-wet hair. He nonchalantly licks it off from the side of his mouth.

  “As I was saying, it wouldn’t hurt to get me something. He made it seem like it was a big deal. Like doesn’t the male lead usually surprise the female lead with a big bouquet of flowers and this over-the-top expensive dress which she wears and makes the male lead fall head over heels in love with her?”

  He chews silently on a kernel then probes, “You want Mr. Kim to fall in love with you?”

  “No,” you hastily correct, “It’s a metaphor. I think you’re the one who sucks at metaphors.”

  There is a beep on your phone to indicate you have another incoming call.

  “Tae, I’m going to have to call you back. My brother’s calling me,” you tell him. The black dress; your old prom dress is way too early 2000s. Black never hurts.

  “Okay. Have fun tonight. Pretend that it’s your birthday party. And then I’ll meet you for brunch tomorrow, my treat? You can tell me all about it,” he says. “Also the black. You look cute in that one.”

  “My party if I was 30, rich and successful. Oh wait, I’ll have one thing in common soon; that’s a start. Thanks though. I’ll call you tomorrow morning once I get up,” you say, then switch the call over to your brother. You had missed the flush of his cheeks as you busily swipe your phone.

Sticking the prom dress back into your closet, you rummage around the meager display of shoeboxes for a pair of high heels.

  “Hey, Jimin,” you greet over the phone.

  “Jesus, I do not need to be accosted by my half-naked sister,” he yells over the phone.

  You turn rapidly, seeing that you had accidentally continued a video call from when you had hung up on Taehyung. You throw a pillow over the camera in your haste to cover yourself up.

  “I was going to ask why you’re dressed like that but on second thought, I think I’ll leave your sexual exploits as your own secret.”

  Despite how disturbed you feel about this comment, his cheerful voice makes you smile.

  “So little sis, the weekend before the big three-oh!”

  “Please stop reminding me.”

  “Where do you want to meet tonight? I just got off the plane, but I can be ready to meet in about an hour. I booked a hotel close to the airport.”

  Shit. You forgot to tell Jimin. These heels will have to do.

  “Um… I, uh…”

  “What?”

  You clear your throat and begin to undress in front of the mirror. You have a sudden conscious thought that the dusty treadmill in your living room seems to be staring daggers at your back. 

  “I’ve got plans tonight.”

  “Plans? I wasn’t even aware you had friends here.”

  “Ouch, Jimin. But yes, I have friends. In fact, I am meeting a friend for brunch tomorrow if you want to join. I’m sure he’ll be okay with it.”

  “He?” Jimin repeats, “Should I put on my big brother boxing gloves? Give him a good talking to in case he’s interested in my baby sister?” Pause. “Was that who you were calling before?”  

You bite your answer back, not feeling the need to go down that rabbit hole.

  “He’s just a friend; A co-worker really,” you say, “He’s also unavailable. And before you suggest anything, his goalkeeper is technically one of my bosses so I do not want to try and shoot past her thank you very much.”

  Jimin laughs. “I wasn’t going to suggest anything. Well if you’re busy tonight, tomorrow morning works for me. Give me a call. I’ll spend the night in watching some good ol’ Netflix and enjoy this vacation time.”

  “Sorry again,” you apologize.

  “Go out and have fun,” he says, “You deserve it.”

  The two of you finish off the call with the usual goodbyes. You have forty-five minutes to dress the part of a sparkly birthday surprise for the co-founder of the company you work for. Throwing on your favourite throwback music, you get to work.

  Once satisfied, you snap a picture and sending it to Taehyung making special care that you have picked the right individual this time.

... 

The mansion is bigger than you could have ever imagined, and the amount of people present are…

  “You’re telling me I can do whatever I want tonight,” you ask Seokjin in the car.

  There is no denying that Seokjin knows how to dress for an event. In a velvety black and white suit, contrasted by his blonde hair which he has elected to temporarily dye for the evening, he looks very much the posh CEO magazines brand him out to be. You are glad you elected for the simple black dress as standing beside this Renaissance statue in a floral pastel yellow dress would be like planting dandelions in Kanye’s sculpture garden (if he ever wanted one).

  “The majority of people won’t recognize you after tonight. They’ll also be too drunk to even register anything you tell them,” Seokjin says.

  He cannot believe that you chose a simple black dress. Did you really not own anything remotely feminine besides the most generic clubbing outfit? Even if you had wanted to make an appearance as a hooker, at least make it an expensive-looking one. Maybe he should have bought you that Versace dress he spotted in the window the other day. Instead…

  “Take this. Your earrings are too gaudy for this event.”

  You touch the sparkly black cats you have put into your ears. Their eyes are made of crystal, and you thought it looked quite fetching in the light. Opening up the box, you see a dainty elegant pair of teardrop earrings that may or may not be of real diamonds.

  “Only Junho will know who you really are and then you can enjoy the rest of your night. I don’t want you to feel like you’re being held here against your will.”

  Putting them on, you note that even this simple change in attire has elevated the entirety of your presence. You felt as luxurious as this gift.

  “Thanks, Seokjin,” you try the first name basis he had insisted upon for this evening, “Not going to lie, I had imagined that maybe you’d send me a dress in the mail or something, but this is still very nice.”

  He snorts and rolls his eyes. “Like in the movies? Please, I run a start-up company. I’m not a millionaire and I don’t think you would appreciate my handouts.”

  You don’t respond, making your second note of the night on the Prada label on the cuff of his suit. “To clarify, I don’t introduce myself as your plus-one tonight.”

  “No. I don’t want you associated with me,” he curtly states. He watches as your smirk twitches and he hits himself mentally in the head again. “It’s to protect you. There are bound to be tons of paparazzi tonight at a party as big as this. I don’t want you to find yourself in the tabloids tomorrow morning. Just be smart.”

  The car pulls to a stop after inching its way up to the front door. People mill about outside in extravagant brands, holding glasses of champagne. The man of the hour is somewhere inside the building, charming his way into new business deals as well as making new friends.

  “Stay close to me. You can leave after we meet Junho. It is his birthday after all,” Seokjin offers a hand as you step out of the car.

  You take it, looping yourself into him so that your hand rests on his forearm. You are only 13 days younger than Junho, and yet this striking contrast in lifestyle hits you like a landslide while the two of you walk up the stairs and into the mansion.

  Inside, it is dim with disco lights flashing to the beat of amped party music. Upon entrance, the two of you are offered glasses of liquor (you take a swirling iridescent drink) to which you are then ushered to where the birthday boy lounges.

  Junho has an even more youthful face than Seokjin does. Where Seokjin’s features exude class and charm, Junho appears mischievous and looks to have stepped out of every girl’s bad boy dream.

  You stop Seokjin with a tug and make him look at you. “Tell me: do I look like a passable birthday offering?”

  Seokjin rolls his eyes and pulls you along with him.

  “Jin!” Junho hollers loudly across the room when spotting his oldest friend. There is a doll-like female magnetized to his side. “This is Clara, my date for the evening.”

  Seokjin shakes her hand and greets them. The female cannot seem to pry her eyes away from this handsome new stranger. He introduces himself chivalrously to her as Junho sides up to you and grips your hands in his. His breath smells strongly of mixed drinks, and you know that in about fifteen minutes the entire night will be a blur for him.

  “You must be Y/N!” he says excitedly, “Jin didn’t tell me that you were coming! What a surprise!”

  “I am,” you greet back with a large smile. “Although I’m also surprised. Seokjin told me that you had insisted I came.”

  Seokjin grits his teeth, annoyed at Junho. Would he ever learn when to keep his big mouth closed?

Laughing loudly, Junho grabs two drinks just as a waiter passes by and hands them to you. “Insist might be a strong word,” he says, drilling another hole unknowingly, “I honestly thought I’d have to play part-time wingman tonight. But I’m glad he’s got someone by his side.” He jabs you a little too hard in the ribs. “Next week’s gala is going to be fun! Okay, now there’s only one rule tonight: there are no rules!”

  The four of you clink your glasses together, while you do your best to hide an embarrassed smile on behalf of the birthday boy.

  “You bet I’m going around as your trophy wife tonight,” you whisper in Seokjin’s ear when Junho looks away.

  He whirls around to look at you, the tip of both your noses impossibly close together. He can taste the acidity of the wine when you breath out with a wicked smile. He barely has time to stop you as you peel yourself away to mingle with the crowds.

  Seokjin is about to follow you but Junho pulls him away, flamboyantly introducing his handsome best friend to a group of international models. He turns on his brightest smile, but his heart thunders in his chest at you calling yourself his wife.

... 

You twirl around in your dress, nobody noticing the small splash of champagne on the front of it in the quickly changing lights.

  “He bought this for me last week. Says it reminds him of the first night we met. Our eyes met across the waters in Tuscany where he was on a business trip. I’ll let you on a little secret, but I was his mistress for a little while.”

  Seokjin cannot make out the words you are saying to a small but growing group of people around you. He stands across from Junho, but looks over the latter’s shoulders to watch as you do another spin.

  “A little while, Charlotte? Are you still his mistress?” an older lady with an exuberant amount of jewels hanging off her body whispers with a keen interest in your expertly spun story.

  Charlotte Dior Laurent, an identity you are pretty sure is an amalgamation of French brands from the top of your mind. You continue to personify this character however.

“Don’t worry. He’s left her since. I know I know, my friends all say the same. ‘He’s already been divorced three times. How can you be sure he won’t leave you?’”

  At this point, you are in way over your head at having told this story to at least two other groups and a multitude of other renditions to whomever you have met tonight. But there is something powerful about liquid courage as it courses through your body.

  The lady lays a hand on your arm. “I don’t want your heart to break. You are still young.”

  Looking up between the heads of your audience, you catch Seokjin’s eyes. They are fiery and it sends a strange sensation up your toes to your abdomen. You give a titillating wave at him in which he does not return.

“He says I’m special and different. How can you say no to that?” you exclaim with exasperation, fully committing to the poor damsel just oh-so in love.

  There is a look of genuine concern on the lady’s face at your statement.

  Before you can dig yourself a deeper hole, you place your empty glass on the table and excuse yourself. You do not know if it’s the drinking on a relatively empty stomach or if the room is really much warmer due to the multitude of bodies, but you head out to the balcony.

  On your way out, you notice that the clock reads twenty minutes past midnight. This gives you a shock at how fast time has passed. Perhaps you should go find Seokjin if you are to get a decent amount of sleep before meeting with Taehyung and Jimin tomorrow. Speaking of Taehyung…

  You pull out your phone and see that there are two unread messages. The first is from Jimin, confirming that he is indeed invited to brunch tomorrow morning. The second is a response from Taehyung.

  11:09pm “Wow. You have me a little lost for words. I had imagined you’d look nice in the dress but… You really are beautiful.”

  Smiling, you type in your response.

  12:21am “Thanks, Tae. You’re up late.” You take a picture of the earrings Seokjin had gifted you and attach it to the message. “What do you think of these?”

Barely have you returned your phone into your bag when it buzzes again. This time you receive an attached image. Taehyung seems to be sitting in front of a monitor, as his face glows with a blue light and contorted into a pensive furrow of his brows.

  12:21am “A little different from your usual style. Are they new? I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear those.”

  12:21am “Fei’s out with some friends tonight. She likes when I wait for her to come back before I sleep. To make sure she’s safe, I guess.”

  12:22am “Pooey. I should’ve brought you as my plus-one 😩. Also, Seokjin bought them for me for tonight. He says my other earrings are too gaudy.”

  12:24am “First name basis 🙃”

  12:25am “How is your night going? Having fun?”

  You are about give Taehyung a call for a detailed recounting of tonight’s escapades when someone speaks out from within the shadows.

  “A penny for your thoughts?” He walks into the moonlight. You flush, meeting the eyes of this particularly dashing gentleman, the phonecall immediately forgotten.

  Oh, Alcohol, you make even the smartest of people do dumb shit. And right now, your effects are even worse on this idiot.

  Your mouth hangs slightly open as you watch him puff out smoke from his cigar and offer it to you. He brushes up beside you, his fingers trailing up your hand which grips the balcony. You cannot seem to break away from his gaze.

  “Lung cancer has an increasing incidence rate particularly for females due to smoking. Are you sure you want to be condoning this type of behaviour?” Seokjin interjects himself between you and your Tuxedo Mask, pushing the outstretched cigar back towards its owner.

  There is a small stare down amongst the two men before the latter quietly exits the stage. Your eyes continue to linger on him even as he walks towards another female alone in the night enjoying the outdoor breeze.

  “You’ve just ruined by chance. I could have seduced then blackmailed him with the story of his illegitimate child to play Black Widow,” you whine.

  Seokjin takes the glass that had somehow magically appeared in your hand during the short walk from inside to outside on the balcony.

  “How many have you had since we came?” he asks.

  You sigh wistfully, still in your dangerous daydream. “I don’t know. I’ve lost count.” You turn your attention back to him eventually. “What are you doing here? Did you see me with him and get all jealous, hubby?” you tease.

  He scoffs, drinking from your glass and pulling a face. Once again, there is that twist and jump within his chest, but he attributes it to whatever nasty concoction he had just ingested. He pours its contents over the railing and into whatever shrubbery lies below. “You seriously went with being my trophy wife?”

  You shrug. “Of sorts. You’d better be right about people being too drunk slash not caring about me enough after tonight to remember the things I’ve said. ‘Cuz you’ve been divorced three times, had me along with another as your mistress, I think you’ve sired a few illegitimate children and all in all, a Games of Throne life. Damn, maybe I made you a little too badass.”

  “You’re having water for the rest of the night,” he says.

  You glare at him, contemplating on making a remark about his equally flushed face but decide against it. Instead, you lean onto the balcony and give a cat stretch. A large sigh escapes from you.

  Wordlessly, he shakes off his jacket and places it around your shoulder all the while averting his gaze on the unblemished skin of your upper thighs that had been exposed from your previous movement.

  Your blood feels like liquid fire coursing through your veins. Feeling overheated even in the evening breeze, you give him back his jacket. You note his reluctance to meet you even as you throw what could be a thousand dollar jacket in the air to him. “So what’s it like to live like this every day?” you say in wonder. You feel said breeze return and lean over the balcony to catch its chill.

  “Like what?” he asks. The warm summer night’s breeze blows through, settling his hair in a childish tousle.

  “Like rich,” you say. You sigh again. “Believe it or not, I’m the same age as your birthday boy best friend.

  And everything feels absolutely unreal right now. If I hadn’t agreed to come here tonight with you, I’d probably be at another dingy bar knocking back shots with my brother and friend.”

  “Are you a secret alcoholic?”

  You glare at him. “No,” you state matter-of-factly. “As I was trying to share, this type of lifestyle is something I could ever only imagine. I’m not ungrateful about spending time with them, but at the end of the night I’d go home, sweaty, drunk and gross, and then simply pass out. My bank account might be a couple hundred bucks lighter. Come Monday I’ll be working my ass off just to earn back what I had spent. Then cue the repeating cycle.”

  Resting your chin on your palm, your other hand sweeps your hair back behind your ear.

  “It’s amazing the difference a few life choices can have.”

  Seokjin remains silent beside you. Truthfully, he is at a loss of words. The moonlight plays across your face and caresses your nose down to your lips. You are arching your back once again to pull away the soreness that comes with wearing high heel the entire night. It is just a simple black dress but on you it made you look –

  “Well, you’re Mrs. Kim tonight,” he starts.

  “Charlotte Dior Laurent,” you correct him.

  He raises an eyebrow. “Okay… Ms. Charlotte Dior Laurent. Tonight you get to live like the rich, as you’ve put it. As a rich person, what would you like to do?”

  You ponder his question a few moments for the answer. “Hmm…I think I’d like to play golf. It’s a rich person’s sport. I want to play it on a private golf course, wearing cute golfing outfits and talk about million-dollar deals with a client without a care in the world. I want to order sangria by the gallon.”

  He laughs out loud. It takes a while for him to be able to speak again, but when he does you feel as if the night has been illuminated a few degrees brighter. “I personally don’t have a private golf course, but Junho does here in his backyard if you’re up for it. I can’t promise cute golfing outfits so you’ll have to do with your wine stained dress. And if you’re really up for it I can pretend to make business deals with you, that’s my job anyways.”

  You grin, taking the hand he has offered you. “Call.” The two of you shake upon his suggestion.

As he is leads you by the hand towards the dim gates of said golf course, you tug at him gently. “There’s something missing…” you say.

  He shakes his head and pulls you back in towards the party room. 

“I’ll see what they have at the bar.”

... 

As the hands of the clock continue to spin past another hour, the summer night takes a chilly turn. Seokjin has lent you his jacket but even that cannot stop your fingers from becoming numb. Your hands shake even as they tightly hold the golf club. Seokjin watches you in silence as you prepare to hit the golf ball, a beer in one hand and a few opened bottles littered on the grass beside him. The club hits the ball with a resounding “cling” but does little in propelling it a few centimeters.

  “This one doesn’t count,” you announce, “It’s too dark to see anything here.”

  Seokjin takes a swig as you readjust your position. You sway in the wind and the last tendrils of your hair come undone in its half up half down hairdo. Your hair now whips wildly around your face when another gust blows through.

  “Shit!” you exclaim, missing the ball again. “Why is golfing so hard?!”

  You throw your club down and trudge to Seokjin. The six pack the two of you had been sharing has officially been depleted. Seokjin offers you his half empty bottle. This time, you are the one watching as he goes to your spot and effortlessly swings his target into the darkness.

  He smirks from the spot.

  You grumble. “You’ve had years of practice. Not fair.”

  “You’ve got to do better than that, Mrs. Johnson,” he says, teasing you.

  Your grumble becomes more audible. You place the now empty bottle on the ground and cross your arms against your chest. Since telling him of your other American alias from tonight, he has not ceased to remind you of your strange choice of name.

  “Just so you know, Mrs. Johnson can afford both an affair and the consequential prenup,” you huff.

  “It’s still a stupid last name.”

  “It’s an American multinational corporation with an income in the billions, okay?”

  “Keep telling yourself that if it makes you sleep better at night. Now come on, I’ve got one last ball. Take a swing.”

  Groaning, you shuffle over. You wish you had not suggested golf. You had never been good at sports anyways – bad hand-eye coordination.

  He stands beside you this time, scrutinizing your every movement with hawk-like eyes. “No, not like that,” he says, “Have a wider stance and bend your knees. Better centre of gravity gives you a better swing. Also hold it with a neutral grip.”

  You readjust your positioning following his instructions.

  “Index finger down the center. Good. And three knuckles on each hand. No, that’s two. Okay your hands are just weird now. Three. I said three.”

  “Stop standing there and show me then, Mr. Know-It-All,” you say, your patience in this makeshift lesson also coming to an end.

  He walks closer to you, reaching out for the golf club. He retracts his hands in seeing that you have yet to let go. “You got to – ”

“You can touch me. I did tell you that Mrs. Johnson can afford an affair and prenup. Besides, I’m not going to be able to learn anything if I can’t even see you in this dark.”

  He comes behind you and puts a foot between yours to guide your stance. Wrapping his arms around you, he fixes the placement of your hands to grip the shaft of the club in the way he had previously instructed.

  Perhaps it is the mixture of wine, champagne and beer offered tonight, but being enveloped in the warmth of this embrace intoxicates you. The tingles that are sent down from his soft breathing on the base of your neck, make you shake like a leaf in the wind.

He inhales the sweet undertones of your perfume. The tendrils of your hair brush against his collarbone, sending a sensual kiss onto his skin. Unconsciously, he draws you closer to him, shielding you from another gust.

“Now you just want to swing,” he says, the words a mixture of a whisper and guttural grunt. His chest rumbles with it, passing the vibration through to your back.

  You remain as still as a statue and lean ever so slightly back into him until your entire backside is pressed upon him.

  You can’t stop yourself as you ask him, “Do you want to have sex with me?”

...

#bts #seokjin #taehyung #bts fanfic #seokjin fanfic #taehyung fanfic #bts x reader #seokjin x reader #taehyung x reader #ceo!seokjin #enemies to lovers #bts imagines #seokjin images #taehyung images #kim seokjin #jin #namjoon #hoseok #jungkook #yoongi #jimin

[lovelylogans]

honey, you’re familiar (like my mirror)

see other chapters, notes, and warnings here!

chapter four: symbiosis

symbiosis: interaction between two different organisms living in close physical association, typically to the advantage of both.

VIRGIL

“Uh,” Virgil says, scrambling in the face of his mother—hair wrapped for the night, blinking the sleep out of her eyes, her arms crossed, “My—myself?”

Technically true, he guesses, according to some of the sensate’s personal beliefs about the connections they share with their clusters, according to Logan according to Dot. Like having other selves scattered across the world.

Andisiwe frowns. “At this time of night?”

Virgil shrugs weakly.

She frowns deeper. Then:

“You know,” she says, looking at him very intently, “your grandmother used to talk to herself at all times of day, too.”

Virgil stays silent. His mother crouches to sit with him on the floor, settling with a long sigh.

“About anything at all,” she continues. “She’d talk about the snow when this country hadn’t seen snow for ten years. She’d laugh when no one told a joke, cried when nothing sad had happened. She’d make recipes I’d never heard of before. You remember her pitha?”

Virgil nods, confused. Of course he remembers her pitha. They’d have it at every large family gathering.

“That’s an Indian dessert. She’d never left South Africa in all her life, but she knew how to make pitha and speak Tamil like she was born in Bangalore. Just like you were speaking a language other than Xhosa or English just now.”

Oh, Virgil thinks, then, oh.

“So unless you started taking language lessons while studying for your doctorate,” she says, staring at him.

Virgil chews at the inside of his cheek.

“No,” he says hoarsely. “No, I didn’t.”

She nods, accepting this. “How long…?”

“I don’t know,” Virgil admits. “A week and a half? Two weeks?”

“Not long at all,” she murmurs. “ I suppose it might skip a generation. She told me once it started when she was a child. A horrible headache struck her, and once it let up she had seven new friends all around the world. When they were all ten, maybe.”

Ten, Virgil thinks, mind whirling. God, to deal with all this at the age of ten?

“Sensates,” Virgil croaks. “We’re called sensates.”

His mother offers him a smile. 

“I know,” she says. “Tell me about them.”

“One’s here,” Virgil says, and he looks at the big, tall, tattooed man. “I don’t think I got your name last time.”

The man walks from his plush apartment rug to sit on the hardwood floor. 

“Patton Taumata,” he says with Virgil’s mouth, offering a bright smile to Virgil’s mother, sitting beside him. “Māori, New Zealander.”

And then Virgil feels what Patton does next—pull seems too strong a word, but it’s the closest he has.

Sitting across from him, looking vaguely disgruntled to find himself on the ground, yet still sitting at his desk in his home office.

“Janus Slange,” he says. “London.”

He slides out of Virgil’s body to find a spot to sit that’s a bit more refined.

Patton turns his head, and Virgil turns his gaze to follow.

“Roman Regio,” the actor says, looking up from his script to gesture beside him. “And my brother, Remus. Who is currently on his way to Mexico City, which he should have done as soon as he got accused.”

“This is such a dumb plan,” Remus groans, resting his head simultaneously against the bus window and Virgil’s bed. “I want all of you batshit hallucinations to know that I don’t come up with plans this stupid. My plans are refined in the way they cause utter chaos.”

Sitting in his bed in the barracks and beside Virgil, so close their thighs almost touch, giving Virgil a thrill that shoots all the way to his fingertips—

“Logan Zieliński,” he says to Virgil’s mother, careful to sound respectful. “I was just here. I’m Polish, but I’m currently studying in Antarctica. Space research.”

They’re here. All of them here. But Virgil sees Patton reach again—

EMILE

—and Emile beams at the sight before him. Patton turns to grin at him.

“Well done!” Emile says, filled to bursting with pride. 

Patton! Reliably being able to pull them all in to visit together! That kind of skill—coupled with the fact that Patton, back in his apartment in Auckland, is peaceably planning lessons with a sitcom in the background—can take other sensates months of practice to truly achieve. 

“Is this your mother?” He asks Virgil.

Virgil says, “Um, Mom, my—cluster parent?”

Emile makes an eh handwavey gesture followed by a thumbs-up. “Whatever you’re comfortable with, I’m comfortable with!”

“—is here right now. His name’s—”

He speaks at the same time as Emile does.

“Dr. Emile Picani, hi there—!”

“—and he’s American.”

Virgil’s mother’s brow wrinkles in distaste, but she does a good show of trying to hide it.

“That’s fair,” Emile says. “Americans are—well, y’know. You’ve seen the news.”

“This is my mother, Dr. Andisiwe Nkosi. My grandmother was a sensate too, apparently.”

“Oh, that’s lovely!” Emile exclaims. “There are sensates within biological families, of course—” he gestures to Roman and Remus, “—but things are still up in the air about if and how being homo sensorium passes down.”

“Dot said the number of sensates is rising due to epigenetic factors,” Logan says.

“Oh, you’ve met Dot!” Emile says delightedly. 

“She answered many of the questions I have,” Logan says, and for a blip, they’re all sitting in the barracks in Antarctica as Logan reaches for a notebook and pen. “But I still have many questions.”

“Entirely understandable,” Emile says.

“Wait, you got your questions answered?” Roman demands, and they’re all sitting on Roman’s apartment’s massive balcony overlooking Mexico City. “I just got this one—” he points accusingly at Janus, “telling me hey, surprise, you’re not actually losing your shit!”

Janus shrugs, and they’re all surrounded by monitors, blinking with so many different points of data it makes Emile a little dizzy. “He just showed up in the mirror while I was shaving.”

“Well,” Emile says, and they’re all in Emile’s apartment at home. Emile puts a kettle on the stove. “I’m here now. So what questions can I help you answer? Or, at least, activate the Archipelago to get some kind of answer for you. If you can think of some kind of subject, there’s probably a sensate that knows something about it, but I suppose we should probably start with the sensate-specific questions.”

Remus puts up a hand and asks, loudly, “Can I use the psychic connection with other sensates to have some kind of insane worldwide orgy?”

ROMAN

Sasha is out for a key art photoshoot, so Roman has the whole apartment to himself. Which is good, because he got a bit busy last night with the whole explanation of what exactly it is that’s been happening to him, and then yelling in disgust when Remus asked gross questions about it.

Roman’s considering if he wants to paint his nails—it’s not like he can keep it, if solely for movie continuity—just to have something to do with his hands when the door cracks open.

And in steps Remus—absolutely filthy, staring at Roman incredulously, a fake mustache plastered above his real mustache that he immediately rips off.

“It worked,” Roman says gleefully. “It worked!”

“First of all, cops ain’t shit, I probably should have expected literally every police officer to sleep on the job when seeing someone suspicious board a bus, but Jesus fuckin’ Christ, your security munches ass,” Remus declares, “They let a murderer get into your apartment.” 

Roman bursts out laughing.

“It’s not funny!” Remus says, pulling off the fake beard he’d donned. “It took five pesos of stolen fake beard and mustache to fool everyone, are you fucking kidding me—?!”

Roman slides off the couch, gripping his stomach, he’s laughing so hard.

“What?!” Remus demands, throwing off the overly large trench coat he’d been huddling under.

“You,” Roman wheezes, then, “you said the plan was stupid and it wouldn’t work—!”

“It is stupid! I come up with way better plans than this, you’re telling me that you came up with the stupid kid movie plan and I didn’t?! And it shouldn’t have worked—Roman, stop laughing, your fangirls are fucking batshit crazy, could you imagine what kind of weird Wattpad shit they’d get up to if they knew how easy it was to break in here?!”

Roman is screaming with laughter, because literally all they needed was a fake mustache and beard, and ooh Roman can tell that Remus is pissed that Roman came up with this plan first because it’s such a perfectly Remus plan. He isn’t sure how much of it is a sensate thing versus a twin brother thing, but all the same, Roman knows that Remus is absolutely fuming, which makes it even funnier.

Remus storms off, shouting, “Just for this, I’m going to use up all your fancy shampoo! I’m going to take the biggest, nastiest shit in your bathroom! I’m—I’m going to eat all your soap! I will! I’ll do it! I’m eating all your soap!”

LOGAN

It’s still a little startling to look over at his notebook and suddenly find himself in South Africa, but he’s gotten a little more accustomed to it since the night before. He’s been feeling a pull to South Africa all day, like an ache deep in his chest. He isn’t entirely sure why.

Virgil glances over at him and smiles, just a little. Logan smiles back. Virgil clears his throat and returns his attention to the textbook before him.

“Roman’s plan worked,” he says. 

Logan huffs, shaking his head. Honestly. It’s like those American movies when three children stack on top of each other and wear a large trenchcoat and a fake beard to gain access to the movies, but it actually worked. 

In retrospect, Logan’s sure that Remus would have foregone his escape into the wilderness if he’d known that donning a disguise and having his rich brother pay away the arrest troubles and their psychically connected lawyer argue before the court would have worked so neatly.

However, considering that nearly every aspect of that plan is absolutely off the rails ridiculous, the escape into the wilderness must have seemed like a prudent measure to take at the time.

“How’s your research?” Logan asks, sitting down on Virgil’s bed. 

“Pretty good,” Virgil says, his tone very casual. “I think the fact that abrus precatorius—”

“The scientific name for rosary peas,” Logan assumes. He is rewarded by a nod from Virgil.

“—isn’t native to Mexico and the fact that Remus hasn’t traveled for years on end is a pretty good basis for Janus to go on. Plus, abrin—”

“The toxin?” Logan clarifies and receives a nod.

“—is incredibly toxic, to the point where anyone ordering rosary peas would probably get pinged under some kind of monitoring system. So there wouldn’t really be a way for Remus himself to get them. Miguel Contreras, on the other hand—”

“The murder victim?” Logan says, startled.

“Yes—on the other hand, he went to Florida very recently. He got back three days before his death, in fact.”

“I thought they were native to Asia and Australia?”

“Yeah, they are, but rosary peas are an invasive species, and they’ve been clocked in the pine rocklands there,” Virgil says. “Symptoms usually occur pretty quick, but it can take up to five days to show up, depending on the method of ingestion. And considering the seed of just one pea could be fatal…”

“Then the cause of death could very well be found in Florida!” Logan says. “And the only thing they have on Remus—”

“—Are threats, exactly,” Virgil says enthusiastically. “And considering the way Remus is as a person, Janus could probably get those hand-waved away as being under jest, rather than an actual threat to kill him.”

They smile at each other again, Virgil’s lips twisting wryly. 

“I’ve been wanting to visit you all day,” he says abruptly, and Logan feels that flutter in his stomach again, the one he’s been feeling since they first met; he’s willing to admit to himself that it most certainly isn’t unease, now. It is a near antonym of unease.

“I have too,” Logan admits, trying his very best to keep his voice informal.

Virgil’s smile softens, a little. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Logan affirms, and the flutter in his stomach intensifies.

They stare at each other. Virgil’s eyes, Logan notices abruptly, are objectively beautiful. Framed by long lashes, his eyes are so dark a shade of brown they’re practically black, so easy to stare at, admiring the way a sudden shift in the lighting would illuminate the subtle honeyed depths of them. 

For a moment, Logan gets a flicker; he’s looking at his own eyes, blue and framed by his glasses, but the emotion in him doesn’t change, the fleeting thought of look how gorgeous, and suddenly he is back to looking at Virgil, and, as one, they look away.

Virgil coughs awkwardly. “This sensate thing—weird, huh?”

For the first time, Logan wonders if the feeling in his stomach is not entirely his own. If it is something shared.

But, Logan thinks, sneaking a look at Virgil taking notes, twirling his pen idly over the backs of his long fingers, he supposes that neither of them would be able to tell that, anyways.

REMUS

Remus is bouncing his leg so much that the cop near him is giving him a disdainful look.

Or maybe the look is because the cop thinks he’s a murderer. Whatever.

“Are you sure this is gonna work,” Remus mutters out of the corner of his mouth because he hasn’t gotten the hang of visiting someone in his cluster and going about day-to-day life like a normal person, the way more experienced sensates can. 

“Positive,” Janus says. He’s sitting crossed-legged beside Remus in his holding cell, where they’re waiting to be transported to the courtroom. Remus is pretty sure most lawyers shouldn’t turn up to court in pajamas, but considering that to the rest of the courtroom Remus is going to play at being his own lawyer, it’s all fine. 

“All they have on you is proximity and threats,” Janus continues. “And considering the voice in your novels, along with the parts in your dust jackets’ where you literally threaten your readers, I can get that set aside no problem.”

Remus inhales heavily and exhales just as noisily.

“Right,” he says. “Right.”

Roman flickers into sight just long enough to shoot Remus a thumbs up, and as Janus resumes spitting legal jargon, Remus feels his shoulders relax.

PATTON

“Be careful with our bezzie Buzzy Bee!” Patton says brightly. He’s crouched before Sophie, having helped untangle the string. “Let’s make sure we don’t tangle him up again, eh?”

“I will, Mr. T!” Sophie shouts, already on the run with the toy, and Patton huffs ruefully. It’ll probably be tangled up again by the end of the day.

A brief chill across his skin, and Patton shivers before he refocuses on the sunny afternoon, here, in Auckland.

By the time he’s stood upright, Logan’s beside him, in a white lab coat.

“Do you really need that much air conditioning down there?” Patton says. “Seems a bit overkill, mate.”

Logan shrugs, closing a door, hiding away some kind of equipment that looks very finicky and complex. “I’m not the one in charge of the facility.”

“Fair enough,” Patton says. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be asked to join in on some kind of game, soon. You like rugby?”

“It’s not exactly popular in Poland.”

“Hm. Guess not,” Patton says. “Probably should’ve known that already.”

“The whole sharing knowledge aspect of this does seem to be rather dependent on a variety of factors,” Logan says thoughtfully. “I don’t think I automatically know the minutiae of New Zealand history and culture just because you might; I think we have to be doing something to trigger that sharing of knowledge.” 

Patton huhs thoughtfully.

“If you didn’t know how to drive a car, for instance,” Logan theorizes, “and I did, and you sat behind a wheel and needed to drive somewhere, I would probably be able to impart that knowledge to you.”

“I can ask Emile,” Patton says, ready to turn and look in on Florida, but he’s stopped by Logan’s frustrated, “how do you do that?”

“Hm?” Patton says, turning to look at him.

“This seems to come so effortlessly to you,” Logan says. “You drop in and seem totally at ease, you could control if we all came to see Virgil a couple nights ago, and by the reactions of those around you, you don’t seem to be talking to thin air—”

“Well, we’re mostly, surrounded by five-year-olds, they wouldn’t be too phased by the concept of me having an imaginary friend,” Patton points out. Logan doesn’t seem particularly amused by this.

“I don’t know,” Patton admits. “Emile thought I was just very communicative, for a sensate. That might be it; I’ve always been pretty chatty. It also might be because Māori have beliefs about how we are all connected—people, nature, all living things—so maybe I was a little more prepared to accept that I was literally connected to other people because I grew up with that as a sacred ideal.”

They watch children run and play for a few minutes; Manaia, diving to catch a football in the game of rugby that had assembled; Sophie, racing between everyone with her Buzzy Bee clack-clack-clacking behind her; Oliver, shyly joining in on a game of hopscotch.

The grass sways in the light breeze, the sun had peeked out from behind its clouds, leaving the entire playground awash in light and warmth. The laughter of children carries on the wind. Patton’s coworkers occasionally look up from their tiny charges to smile and wish him a good day.

“It’s really rather nice here,” Logan says quietly. “I’ve never been remotely near this continent. Coming to research in Antarctica is the most travel I’ve ever really done.”

“Do you miss home?” Patton asks.

Logan considers this.

“Some things,” he says. “Kluski, makowiec, honey mead. Newspapers written in my native language. The coffee shop I studied in throughout all of university. Proper herbata góralska. My mentors. The ability to go to a grocery store. My mother.”

There’s a beat of silence.

“But I love the research I do here,” Logan says firmly. “It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be able to study down here.”

“It sure seems like it,” Patton says, his admiration clear in his voice. 

“This whole situation threw a bit of a wrench in the works,” he says.

“I think it did for all of us,” Patton says. “Not all bad, though. Remus would probably still be on the run if he hadn’t connected with Janus.”

“No,” Logan muses, a soft flush touching his cheeks. “Certainly not all bad.”

Unbidden, images flash in his mind; black coffee, an expanse of wide sunny road, the sensation of dirt under his fingernails, purple jacaranda blossoms.

Patton tries his hardest not to grin. But—

“What,” Logan says defensively.

“Nothing,” Patton says, not hiding his smile, and Logan huffs irritably.

“You know,” Patton says, “Emile’s been dating someone in-cluster for, like, nine years? They were the first people that they saw, of the people in-cluster. In-cluster relationships are apparently pretty common, which I guess makes sense. Sharing feelings, knowledge, everything—it sure can bond two people together.”

Logan’s flush deepens. 

“Just sayin’,” Patton offers cheerfully, and he goes off to join a game of hopscotch, leaving Logan with his thoughts.

JANUS

The language is different. The procedure is different. The situation is, most definitely, different. 

He’s used to English, English law, English crimes. He’s been a barrister for years, jumping from one firm to another because the latter had seen partner potential in him; it paid much better, too, which certainly hadn’t been a negative. Janus had become a well-polished lawyer, a viper in the courtroom, a boomslang to his rivals. 

He’s good at it, is his point. He’s always been good at it.

He stands, surveying the judge. A different uniform, but a similar dime-a-dozen judge. He’s seen this type dozens of times. He could debate them in his sleep.

But as he looks to the side—Remus sitting, Roman beside him, the rest of the cluster in a line past them, just peeks of their profiles past the twins—he remembers why he started to study law, too.

Because he wanted to be able to get himself and his brother out of any and every sticky situation they could ever stumble into.

Janus stands when he is bid to. He takes the oath, Remus’s mother language tripping off his tongue like it’s his own. It is now, Janus supposes. 

Roman reaches over and grips Remus’s hand. Remus pinches Roman as hard as he possibly can, but Roman doesn’t flinch.

Janus begins smoothly, “Your honor, ladies and gentlemen of the court...”

#my fic #my fanfic

[ahhhhhhdonna]

Summary: I really just wanted to write Jaskier getting locked up in a pillory!  Like this one:

And then this Yen and Jaskier fic just happened.(Warning for swearing, if that’s not your jam.)  Is there more to this? I don’t know.  For now, though, this:

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

High heeled shoes walked into his line of vision; beautiful, impeccable, without a single speck of road mud on them.  The hemline of a black dress in some expensive fabric.  Silk, maybe.  Or satin? Organza... If that was a fabric.  Didn't really matter, he thought miserably. What mattered was the insidious owner of said shoes and fancy dress was standing close enough he could feel the chill of her shadow and smell her perfume.

Somewhere above him, she laughed. Not a demure lady-like chuckle either, oh no, a real belly laugh.  Downright rude, if you asked him. He straightened up, as much as he could straighten while being locked rather piteously in a pillory.  

“You know, I was beginning to think this day couldn't get any better,” Jaskier said, amicably, “and yet...ahh, here you are.”

“Oh, Jaskier,” she said, with that tell-tale edge of sarcastic delight. It felt on his ear like a finger-nail catching in a pill on a silk coat.  “How did you get yourself into this little predicament?  Did you get caught fucking the alderman's wife this time?  Or, oh dear... did she catch you with the alderman? I know you aren't terribly...discerning when it comes to your pitiful little conquests.”

Jaskier's mouth opened with a huff before he snapped it closed, unsure which bit was more offensive.  

“I...I'm- I am discerning,” he managed, “and for your information, Yennefer, none of my...my conquests- as you so charmingly put it- would consider the encounter pitiful in the slightest....not that you will ever know...you...you could be the last woman alive, and I promise I would rather put my-”

“If your usual debauchery didn't land you here,” Yennefer cut him off, the smile still in her voice, “then what else would warrant such a public shaming? Was it your big mouth?”

He sniffed and went silent, fuming. He heard her long lacquered nails ticking on the wooden slat above his head.  One lovely shoe tapped impatiently.

“Well,” she said, after it was clear Jaskier wasn't going to be forthcoming, “whatever it was you did, I'm sure the punishment is well deserved... However, I do find it hard to believe Geralt would have allowed them to put you in the stocks.  He has a soft spot for your antics, no matter how stupid.  So, where is our witcher?”

Oh, wouldn't you like to know, Jaskier immediately thought but didn't say. Regardless of what Yennefer thought, he wasn't that stupid.

“Our witcher is not here,” Jaskier ground out, instead.  “He's on a hunt.  He picked up a contract here.  Actually, he's...well, he's... he’s missing.”

The tapping of nails stilled.  

“Oh, it's not like you're going to help,” Jaskier spat, “so why even bother?  Why don't you just portal off somewhere else and leave me alone?”

“Jaskier.” Her voice was quieter but impossibly more dangerous. “Geralt is missing?”

“He's...more late, really,” Jaskier said.  “He was due back three days ago.  I tried to tell the good alderman that monster hunting is not an exact art,  but...it was quite a well-paying contract, and Geralt was given half up front...and the alderman thinks Geralt has just taken off with the gold.  So--”

He waggled his hands in the holes beside his head.

“--they decided that since they can't punish Geralt for the alleged thievery, why not punish his faithful companion instead?  They locked me up this morning and I'm to be kept to the pillory until Geralt eventually returns or... or they tire of all of this, or I die, I guess.  I don't know.  On orders of the alderman.”

He swallowed.

“I'm rather...worried about Geralt, actually.  He's fine, I'm sure, he's always fine but it's not like him to-”

“-He'll return,” Yennefer said, decisively.  “In the mean time, I could free you but far be it from me to interfere with local politics...  I think it would be rather more interesting to see this sort itself out, don't you?”

“I knew it,” Jaskier muttered.  “I knew it!  Why did I even bother?..”

“I’d best be going,” she said, and he could hear her infuriating smile again, “Lovely chat, dear. But It does looks like it might rain.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Yennefer listened to the rain pounding on the inn roof that night as she sat by the fire and drank mulled wine.  She tried to think of Jaskier and glean some satisfaction for his suffering but now, as the wind howled a bit in the rafters and the night's chill crept in, she frowned into the depths of her cup.

He was only human, after all.  A weak, stupid, annoying human, to be sure, who prattled on and on and wrote nasty songs about her and pretended they weren't about her when they clearly were. But...Three days late, he'd said. And Jaskier-for all his glaring and numerous faults- did harbor a deep and unyielding love for their witcher.  Her witcher, she thought, unbidden, and drank.

It had been a surprise when she had come into this blighted town and saw the familiar bard clamped into the stocks in the town square.  Another strange coincidence. Since their fateful and brief meeting in Rinde, she had run into Geralt on two separate occasions and now this... She had only come here to provide a service, a round of cures and magical remedies, to fill her purse for another dose of that probably useless fertility treatment with the cost of it ever increasing.  It was better to keep moving to different towns, she found, some were more friendly to magic than others. 

A town that treated friends of witchers so poorly might not have a high appreciation of mages either.  Best to move on, she decided.  In the morning then.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The next morning, Yennefer cursed herself as her legs led her back to the town square, her velvet cloak enchanted to keep her dry as the rain continued pouring down and the mud pooled around her boots.

Jaskier was soaked to the bone and looking twice as pitiful as ever, bent as he was and trembling with cold.  When she approached, he contorted his neck to do his best to look at her, squinting and sniffling.  He looked as pale and red-eyed as a wet white rabbit.  

“Yennefer...I, uh, to... to what do I owe this... odious pleasure?”

Ah, he had been crying then.  It wasn't just the rain.  She bit back the worst of her responses- a decided act of charity, if there ever was one- and went straight to the point.

“What was he hunting then, bard?”

Jaskier blinked at her with swollen eyes. He certainly seemed no longer up to their usual verbal sparring and she was glad to not waste time.

“The alderman didn't know what it was, just that it smelled terrible and was killing villagers who wandered too far into the woods.  Geralt thought it was a rotfiend.  Should just take a day, he said, maybe two if it was hiding...”

“And it's been five,” Yennefer mused. Yes, Geralt should have been able to handle a single rotfiend in a leisurely afternoon.  And while the man could certainly be accused of moving on without saying good-bye, he would have at least returned for the payment.  Priorities, she thought, wryly.

“Nearly six,” Jaskier said and then his teeth chattered loudly enough that Yennefer could hear it over the din of the rain, like a tin cup full of dice. He once again tried to look at her, lifting his head an uncomfortable angle.  

“...Are you going to go looking for him?  Please.  Please, please tell me you're going to go looking for him. Please. If he's hurt, only you can...If anyone can find him, it's you, Yen, it’s you....”

“I'll look for him,” Yennefer said and watched the bard sag against the restraints with relief.  

“Thank you,” he murmured, in a voice soft enough that she was sure she wasn't meant to hear it.  She was sure he expected her to leave him there and, oh gods, did she want to.  Especially after his last ballad about the 'violet eyed siren of Vengerberg, with generous bust, who eats men's hearts for sport and lust'--  Ugh!  He deserved to stay here in the stocks, all ruined silk and wet lace and aching back! It might humble him and he certainly needed some humbling for all his lyric writing to the contrary.

But... Geralt would not forgive her easily if she left his companion to starve or freeze in the stocks and, fuck, if the thought of his disapproval didn't strike an irritating chord inside her. And if she was somewhat swayed by the bard's sudden spell of repentant gratitude, well...he'd never have to know it.  Bound and begging was surprisingly a good look for him, she thought.  And she was feeling absurdly generous this morning, so...

Yennefer made a little gesture and the thick padlock on the pillory unlocked itself and fell to the ground with a thud.  Jaskier startled and gaped at the fallen lock.

“You...you just...?”

“Come on, then, and don't make me regret it, Jaskier,” she said, in a tone she hoped implied that she already did.  “Lead the way.”

#donnawrites #witcher fic #Yennefer of Vengerberg #Jaskier #Hurt Jaskier #mentions of Geralt #Yennefer saves Jaskier #because why not #gratuitous switching of POVs #Yennefer loves Geralt #Jaskier loves Geralt #some version of this has geralt returning and going absolutely feral with rage #but that was not this version for some reason #instead they rescue Geralt together like the odd couple

[winetae]

⇾ dick n’ go (m)

⇁ female reader x seokjin

⇁ smut, crack || shopping for dicc!au

⇁ male objectification, superficiality, fuckgirl!reader, dirty talk, and cocky!jin if that isn’t your thing

⇁12.8k 

. . .

After trooping through a series of horrendous first dates and mediocre hookups, you were convinced you would never find a man capable of satisfying your needs. Your friend recommends you try a slightly unconventional method to remedy your bad luck.  

↳ alternatively: seokjin has a five star dick and you decide to give it a go

a/n; happiest birthday to my porn watching partner in crime, the one who sends me pics of Seokjin Bulges and occasionally of hairy toes !! i love you (ps; ty to everyone who encouraged me to finally finish this semi autobiographical piece;;)

.

.

“ — remarkable churn rate,” he boasted, the corner of his lips twitching into a satisfied smirk. “Of course, I’m aware this might not be of any significance to you, but it’s quite outstanding considering the circumstances.”

The soft glow of the candles cast shadows on his face, accentuating the tall bridge of his nose and the length of his eyelashes. He was classically handsome, with a strong brow and full lips, broad shoulders and a posture that belied his confidence.

At first, it had been easy to fake interest. His good looks had been enough of a distraction, but by the main course, your glass of red wine had become much more riveting than his one-sided conversations that all seemed to revolve around him. It wasn’t that you were turned off by cocky men. In fact, you liked someone who was confident in himself and his abilities. Confidence was generally an attractive trait in a partner, but tonight you couldn’t help but be put off by his behavior. It was becoming increasingly difficult to feign enthusiasm over his endless list of accomplishments, especially when he threw in a condescending remark your way every now and then.

This time you couldn’t even blame the dating agency for a faulty match-up. There had been no fluke of any kind; suited in crisp Tom Ford and polished Italian leather, he was exactly as described on paper—which had been all the more infuriating. Admittedly, when you had first met him tonight, you had swooned a little, not daring to believe your luck. With his slicked back hair and tailored suit, he was a sight for sore eyes. 

In hindsight, you should have known better than to get your hopes up, especially if you considered your track record with men.

“Ah… Congrats.” You managed a strained smile while surreptitiously reaching for the bottle of Pinot Noir.

Regret started to pool in your gut. Signing up on a dating website hadn’t been the wisest move, you now realized. Had the wooing process always been this tiring? Maybe you were rusty, having been out of the game for too long. It hadn’t even been that long since your very public break-up with your ex-boyfriend. 

A bitter taste lingered on your tongue when you let your mind wander back to the events leading up to the separation. All the missed calls and flimsy excuses should have alerted you, but instead of trying to talk things out, you had ignored the growing rift in your relationship. Now, you could only look back on those times with distaste. Truthfully speaking, there had been good times—great times, even—and maybe if things had ended cleanly then you wouldn’t be so worked up over the split. The break up would have been easier to digest if he hadn’t been such a prick... The worst part was he hadn’t even had the decency to deliver the news in person, as if none it had ever mattered to him like it had to you; no matter how you looked at it, it felt like two years of commitment had gone down the drain...

You gulped down the remnants of your drink, hoping to wash down the resurfacing memory, but not even the fancy wine bottled in 1982 could help you dial back the resentment that boiled beneath your skin. What kind of dickshit ended a relationship by changing their Facebook status to single?! It was a slap to the face that still stung no matter how many Netflix series you binged or pints of ice cream you devoured. Clearly, he had no respect for you... And that realization hurt more than the break-up itself. 

After a week of wallowing in self-pity, watching reruns of That 70’s Show and eating pack after pack of spicy Doritos, your friend had managed to pull you out of the obligatory post-breakup moping stage. Realistically, you weren’t ready or interested in jumping head first in any kind of new relationship, but your friend had insisted you needed to get over the asshole you had been committed to for the better part of two years. You didn’t like the term ‘rebound’, but that was essentially what you were looking for by signing up on dating websites. 

Meeting new people would be fun, she had promised. Yet here you sat squeezed into a dress one size too small, concealing yet another sigh by stuffing your face with one of the offered breadsticks. 

You were well aware you wouldn’t find the love of your life tonight. Your expectations hadn’t been high to begin with but your date was so dreadfully boring, for lack of better words, that you couldn’t help but be disappointed. There was no chemistry between the pair of you; whenever you sought to deviate the conversation to a new topic, he steered it back to his subject of interest. You had quickly realized there was no common ground: you were an art history major with no knowledge in marketing or communication; he planned to have a kid before the age of 35 while you were just looking for some mindless fun... You could blame it on the age gap or the fact he had a stable working job and you were still finishing off your studies, but you were evidently in different places in your lives with different goals and desires.

Restlessness was beginning to creep up your legs and it took a huge amount of self-restraint not to check the time on your phone. 

Putting aside your differences, it would have still  been nice if your date paid attention to you instead of talking over you at every turn. Still, you tried to stay optimistic despite the lack of chemistry. Maybe he wanted to impress you or perhaps it was all just nervous rambling. You could overlook his desire to monopolize the conversation for now. 

Well, if anything, at least you were getting expensive wine and a free meal out of this. You glanced down at your plate and then at his, noticing he hadn’t even gotten halfway through his medium rare steak. Why was he taking so long to eat the steak?! you silently despaired. Maybe if you glared at it for long enough, he would get the hint and cease his meaningless chatter.

“Oh, are you still hungry?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Should I call the waiter back?”

“NO, no!” You raised out your hands, waving them around in panic. But in your hurried attempt to dissuade him, you hadn’t noticed you had attracted the unwanted attention of the people nearby.

“That won’t be necessary,” you repeated quietly, slightly embarrassed by your outburst. You tucked your hair behind your ear self-consciously, trying to calm yourself down. The last thing you wanted was to create a scene.

“You must have quite the appetite to have finished so quickly.” He stared pointedly at the lone arugula leaf you hadn’t been able to pick up with your fork. You felt your cheeks flush at the insinuation, teeth tugging your bottom lip in vexation. Maybe he was just clumsy with his words and didn’t mean anything by it, but something about it didn’t sit well with you. Wanting to give him the benefit the doubt, you plastered on a smile. 

“I’m fine,” you forced out, the corner of your lips twitching from the strain. “I’m full now, anyway.”

“Are you sure? You were staring at my dinner quite, er, intently.” He prodded at his meal with the silverware, voice laden with skepticism. Hand slowly curling into a fist, you tried not to look too affronted.

“It’s okay!” he pressed on, misinterpreting your silence. “Don’t be ashamed! I like a girl with an appetite. Models these days are all bones—nothing to grab onto. I find women like you more attractive.”

He made grabby hands to illustrate his point, gaze swooping down to ogle the peak of cleavage on display shamelessly. Your outfit wasn’t even that revealing—a modest black dress with a sweetheart neckline— but the way he leered at you as if you were a slab of meat on a platter made your insides twist with disgust. Rather than making you feel sexy and desirable, the intensity of his appraisal made you feel like you were being coated over in a layer of slime. You bit down your retort, nails digging into the palm of your hand to distract yourself. 

“Oh?” you intoned dryly, shoulders hunching up defensively. 

“Most definitely,” he nodded, taking no note of your evident discomfort. “I like it when a woman is a bit bottom heavy.”

“Excuse me?” This time you couldn’t hide the sheer incredulity that colored your tone, brows arching.

Your eyes fluttered to a close as you took a steadying breath, not trusting yourself to keep your expression in check. Was he being serious? This had to be some kind of joke... You refused to believe someone could be that dense. Even if he had meant his comment as praise, the way he went about to compliment you didn’t flatter you in the least. Sure, people were allowed to have their preferences but something in the way he spoke and delivered his speech made your skin crawl with mortification.

Either way, you knew you couldn’t sit through this dinner for any longer than you had to. You saw no point in letting the date drag on indefinitely since it was clear that it wasn’t going to be working out.

The five course meal wasn’t exactly cheap but you would pay your share. You’d even take on his portion of the bill if it meant you could go home right away. Sure, it would leave a small dent in your wallet, but you refused to stay and listen to him drone on for another two hours.

“I think I’m feeling sick, actually,” you excused yourself, clutching your stomach in a dramatic fashion, but even to your own ears, it sounded like a feeble pretext. “I’m really sorry for cutting this short, but I need to lie down... I’ll pay for dinner, don’t worry about it.”

“Nonsense,” he cut in right away, looking affronted you would dare to suggest such a thing. “You’re right, the food here isn’t that good anyways.”

“That wasn’t what I—”

“It was a pleasure dining with you tonight.” He wiped his lips with the white chiffon, his voice dropping to a seductive octave so suddenly you could only gape up at him. “Would you be interested in joining me for tea back in my loge?”

You froze, eyes subconsciously darting around, refusing to meet his unexpected suggestive gaze. To be frank, you might have been tempted by his offer for ‘tea’ before his failed attempt to wine and dine you. But after having suffered through two hours of his presence, your only wish was to never meet him again.

“Ah, um,” you floundered, looking for a way out. “I really don’t think I’m feeling too well… But thank you for the offer, Minwoo.”

“Minhyuk.” A muscle in his jaw jumped. “It’s Minhyuk.”

“Mmh? That’s what I said,” you fibbed, averting your eyes and silently cursing yourself for your inattentiveness.

You wanted the ground to swallow you whole as it became apparent that no amount of apologies could salvage the situation. Guilt churned in the pit of your stomach, discomfiture rendering you rigid. Sure, Minhyuk or whatever had been a proper asshole but you still felt bad for forgetting his actual name. It had happened to you once before, back when you had first started dating, and you could still remember the bone-crushing humiliation and awkwardness as he had confused you with some other random girl. Back then, you had sworn never to subject anyone to the same situation, so for it to happen now... You were disappointed in yourself but there was really nothing you could do about it. 

Needless to say, your mistake had made things painfully awkward between the two of you. His ego had taken an undeniable hit that no amount of apologies could probably fix. Minhyuk did not even bother to conceal his sigh of relief when you called for a taxi cab to drive you home. In any other situation, you might have been offended at how quickly he tried to get rid of you, but you were equally desperate to escape your date. 

.

.

You didn’t miss Minhyuk in the slightest but for some reason your mind kept wandering back to your failed date at the most inconvenient times. Like a broken record, the memory of that night kept replaying in your mind on loop. He was like pesky fly you couldn’t shake off—a low buzzing in your ears distracting you from everyday activities. 

Why were the men you dealt with such dickheads? You silently cursed your horrible luck with the male species as you spread butter over your toast, crunching into the slice of bread with more force than necessary, teeth clanking together. 

You hadn’t expected dating to be so exhausting. Being with your ex for so long, you had fallen into a complacent routine of sorts; it had stopped being exciting, but at least it was comfortable and familiar. You knew each other’s likes and dislikes and would adjust accordingly to each other’s personalities. Restarting the entire getting-to-know you process just seemed way too bothersome to deal with. Maybe Minhyuk or whatever hadn’t been the right guy for you, but in all honesty you didn’t want to enter the dating pool at the moment. 

What you needed was someone who was on the same wavelength as you—someone around your age that was only interested in having a good time. After the emotional rollercoaster you had previously been on, the last thing you wanted was to jump into another relationship. You told yourself there was no use rushing it. But just because you were giving up the idea of dating for the time being, didn’t mean having some occasional fun was prohibited.

Being single was a good thing.

Over the next couple of weeks, you kept repeating this phrase, hoping the mantra would convince you of its truth. Weren’t you supposed to be living your glory days right now? What was the point of settling down when you could be having stress-free fun whenever you wanted? Relationships just seemed like way too much work, especially when finding the right guy was a task in itself. Dating websites and blind dates set up by your friends just seemed like such a hassle you didn’t have the time to deal with... But honestly speaking, masturbating wasn’t as fulfilling as getting laid on the regular. That was one particular aspect of your old relationship that you missed. You didn’t need to be in a relationship to be happy and satisfied. But even though you technically didn’t need a functioning cock to get off, who were you to turn down a good fuck? 

So the logical thing to do was to take a page out of the fuckboy manual and stock up on a giant box of condoms. It felt nice to flirt around when you knew you didn’t have to commit to anything. Guys were surprisingly easy to rile up and they all seemed desperate to prove their own worth. And although you had your doubts over the validity of their claims, you let yourself be convinced once or twice by their smooth and practiced lines. But every single time, the ending had been either anticlimactic or disastrously bad. 

Youjin, a classmate you were friendly with, seemed to take pity on you when you recounted your latest attempt at hooking up. She had invited you over to her place for a round of consolation drinks and you had never been more eager to down a shot of alcohol in your life.

“He had a nervous jizz? Did you even get to see his dick before he creamed his jeans?” She patted your shoulder in sympathy before handing you another shot of tequila.

“Nope. Nothing. Couldn’t even tell you if he had hairy balls or not.” You shrugged, a nonchalant expression settling over your features. “I groped a feel before he, uh... creamed his jeans. Dunno. Kind of felt underwhelmed.”

“Size doesn’t matter.” Youjin reminded you with a nudge. “It’s how he works his machine that counts.”

“Machine?” You stifled a snort behind your hand. “Well, Jungkook’s engine failed him. I touched his dick over the jeans for maybe ten seconds? He didn’t even last long enough for me to take his belt off. I don’t know who was more embarrassed but he kicked me out of his room before I could really say anything.”

“Look on the bright side... Maybe this means you’re that good. You must have magic fucking fingers.” She wiggles her hands in your face, her sparkly manicured nails on display. “What made you think hooking up with someone in the same class as you was a good idea anyway? Isn’t this the basic rule of fucking... No shitting where you eat.” 

“I don’t know... Convenience? He was there and it seemed like an easy fuck, you know? I just want a nice lay. And I thought I would have a good time! We’ve been texting for a while and he kept saying he would make it worth my time... You’re right, I shouldn’t have trusted him. He looks like he just grew out of puberty... I shouldn’t have trusted him.”

“Oh yeah, there’s no doubt you need to get dicked down. My doctor said good sex is one of the primary contributors to good health and inner happiness. But things will just get super messy if you keep hooking up with guys you see every day. What if Jungkook ended up your partner for next month’s presentation? Do you know how fucking awkward things get when you’re trying make a powerpoint presentation on rococo furniture with a guy who has had his mouth on your nips? I’ve been there, okay, and not only does it make you question all your life decisions, but it fucks up your grades. So it’s a lose-lose situation you’re better off without.”

Youjin’s solution to your problems was bringing you to the nearest night club. Her reasoning was that any guy you picked up there was also probably looking for a quick one night stand. In her books, club hookups were the easiest way to have a good time without resorting to fucking your classmate.

“Wear a slut skirt!” Out of reflex, you caught the article of clothing that flew your way. It was a short, leather piece that promised to mold to your every curve. “And pin your hair up—it looks really nice like that!”

“Calm down,” you huffed. “We’re just going to the club.”

“So? Who knows, you might find the love of your life tonight!”

“Let’s be realistic, the chance of that is slimmer than winning the lottery... “ You shimmied into the tight skirt, smoothing over any creases, silently admiring the way it made your ass look bigger than it usually did. 

“Never say never. Did you know Nicole Richie met her husband in a club?” 

“Who?”

“Nevermind, just put on the fucking skirt, okay? Hmm, do you want me to lend you my old push-up bra?”

“I’ll pass, thanks,” you deadpanned, your raised eyebrow twitching. She didn’t have to bring up the fact she had miraculously gotten a cup size bigger than you last summer. You looked down at your breasts with a frown, silently cursing. Why couldn’t the weight you gained go to your boobs? 

In the end, you did borrow her padded push-up bra. You would have been a fool to turn down an instant breast lift offer. No one would know the difference anyway, not unless you let them paw at your boobs. And with your luck, an accidental grope on the dancefloor might be the most action you would get tonight. 

The club Youjin brought you to was swarmed with college kids that were all looking to dance away the stress of the upcoming exam season. Leaving you to your own devices, she gave you a good luck pat on your shoulder before going off to order a martini at the bar.

It didn’t take long for someone to approach you but you shrugged them off, not interested in hooking up with freshman kids that probably just learned how to roll on a condom. If you were going to hookup with a fuckboy tonight, you wanted him to be the most experienced guy in the club. 

You didn’t have to wait too long for someone to match your criteria to bump into you. He exuded a certain a charisma the other guys hadn’t, the dark of the room making his smooth skin look like molten gold. 

“Your friend is gorgeous,” he yelled into your ear, one of his hands sliding down to rest on the small of your back. You had to lean forward until you could make out the words he was mouthing over the heavy bass; his breath smelled like whiskey and coke but not unpleasantly so.

From up close, you could see the way he eyed over Youjin dancing up a storm on the other side of the room, pearly white teeth biting his plump lower lip as his eyes lingered on her ass. You could hardly blame him—even you were entranced by the way she flipped her long, glossy hair and the smooth movements of her hips she synchronized in time with the beat of the music. 

Youjin was the best dancer you knew. For the longest time she had tried to teach you how to slut drop but after many failed practice sessions in front of your bathroom mirror, she had signed you off as a lost cause. In your defense, you weren’t a terrible dancer... But next to her? You looked like a waddling penguin that was learning how to walk for the first time. Hence why you never had any luck pulling guys if you stuck by her side. 

“Can you talk to her for me?”

Tilting your head, you contemplated his request. Neon green spots of light danced over his features, making his jaw look sharper than it probably was. He looked harmless enough, but it was hard to tell for sure...You would never judge someone by their face. Even if he looked like he was incapable of harming a fly, you weren’t duped into believing he had any innocent intentions behind his actions. After all, this was a night club filled to the brim with testosterone—a place for people to find an easy lay—so there was no room to misunderstand his question. 

“Why can’t you ask her?” He was a grown ass man after all... You couldn’t understand why he didn’t just ask her himself. Playing the part of the messenger was just so tiresome—this wasn’t prom and you were too old for this kind of silly game.

He turned to look at you properly for the first time, the corners of his mouth already quirked up into a charming smile. Your gaze was instantly drawn to his plush lips, shiny and inviting. You tried to shake yourself out of your trance, eyes snapping back to meet his knowing stare, but he made nonchalance difficult. You had always had a weakness for soft, pouty lips. Certain he was the type of guy that would use that piece of information against you to get what he wanted, you fixed your gaze on a safer place—the shiny spot of skin between his eyebrows.

“Huh, you’re pretty too!” His mouth stretched into a smile, eyes slanting into crescents.

“Thanks,” you replied, dryly. Unfortunately, your sarcasm wasn’t conveyed properly and he seemed to take your words at face value. Thinking you had warmed up to him, he slid closer to you, the hand resting on your lower back pulling you flush against his hard chest. 

He leaned in closer still, face crowding near yours, so you felt the warmth of his breath against the sensitive skin of your neck. For one drawn out moment, you thought he was going to lean in and kiss you, but instead he yelled into your ear, “say, if you ask your pretty friend for me, I’ll hook you up with my friend. You’re just his type!”

He pointed over to a guy with a plain white shirt and a black cap on, grinding into a girl’s ass a few steps away from you. You bit off a scoff, not believing what you were hearing. Did he really think you were willing for some kind of trade off? His friend wasn’t ugly in the least, but you still felt a bit offended for thinking you could be passed around. 

“I’ll speak to my friend for you. You’re totally his type.” 

There was no hiding your disbelief at his audacity. You risked a glace back in his direction to check if he was being completely serious, and you almost laughed out loud when you saw no trace of deception on his face. He must have been really interested in Youjin for him to beg you like this.

He was handsome enough that you were sure he wouldn’t have any trouble attracting other people, but he seemed fixated on your friend. If you hadn’t been slightly intoxicated, you would have told him straight away to deal with it on his own, but the alcohol burning in your veins made it harder to think properly. 

“I don’t think he needs any help in that department!” You pointedly eyed his friend, who was still attached by the pelvis to his dancing partner. 

“He’ll drop her for you, trust me.” His unwavering confidence made you falter, and he took advantage of your few seconds of shocked silence to call over his friend. You couldn’t believe he would actually leave the girl he was with just to join the both of you. 

There was a slight pause as you both sized each other up. The first thing you noticed was that his simple white t-shirt was almost see through, made transparent by his sweat. Despite your better judgement, you found yourself eyeing his defined muscles that were perfectly displayed under the thin layer of fabric. When your eyes met his, he shot you a knowing wink, his abs flexing under the disco reflected light. 

He was acting like your typical campus fuckboy. Guys like him were easy to figure out. You had frequented them enough to know they had a one-track mind and were programmed to function according to the eat-sleep-fuck cycle. He was your ideal candidate to take home because you knew he wasn’t looking for anything serious tonight. 

“So, do you dance?” 

“Not really...” He leaned in closer to hear your answer over the booming bass. He was close enough that you could smell his aftershave, the clean scent a welcomed reprieve from the sweat-infested room. 

“It’s okay, I can teach you.” A hand fell to your waist to bring you closer still. Distantly, it registered just how fucking built he was. He looked like the type that had a gold gym membership just so he could walk around campus with sleeveless tops and show off his body to the student population. 

Pressing his strong body against yours, he gripped your hips and guided your movements. The first guy long forgotten, you slowly relaxed under his hold, swiveling your hips in time to the beat. It was easy to let your mind drift off, your thoughts consumed by images of your dance partner fucking into you with the same fluidity he was showcasing now. He was a bit shorter than the men you usually went for, but his thick thighs and sensual grinding were winning you over. Besides, he moved his body like Magic Mike and that was something you weren’t about to pass up. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Youjin shoot you a thumbs-up, mouthing words that suspiciously looked like ‘get that dick’ but it was hard to tell for certain. Maybe she was right... One night stands like this were simpler to deal with than attempting to get into bed with your classmate. For one, you wouldn’t have to feel awkward every time you walked into class and made accidental eye-contact. 

All you wanted was to get laid properly. Finding a fuck buddy was too much trouble and there was no guarantee that would be a success, either. In most cases you had heard of, one person always ended up catching feelings and that was an additional mess you didn’t have the time to take care of. 

“Want to walk me home?” You asked coyly, eyelashes fluttering, your palms sliding up his chest seductively. His eyes darkened, mouth crashing into yours in response.

You didn’t even make it to the exit door, clearly too impatient and horny to wait until you reached a mattress. The entire thing was messy and rushed—teeth clanking against each other, swollen lips bitten red. You felt like a hormonal teenager all over again but you were too caught up in the moment to be embarrassed by your actions.

His large hands gripped your waist, and you had no choice but to follow his movements, shuffling backwards until your back met the dank wall of the bathroom stall. 

“I want to see these pretty lips around my cock,” he groaned, hands slipping under the hem of your skirt to grab a handful of your ass. “I love it when girls get their lipstick all over me. S’fucking hot.” 

“I’m not going to blow you.” You shook your head, trying to hold your ground despite his insistent kisses up the side of you neck. “No offense, but you look like I might catch something if I let you put your dick in any of my holes.”

If you hadn’t been inebriated you might have phrased it better. Whatever. You didn’t really care about his feelings when it was obvious all he wanted from you was to get his dick wet for a couple of seconds before busting a nut. Making out with him was already a big health hazard, you didn’t want to risk anything more by getting fucked in a smelly bathroom stall. 

“Fine.” He shrugged like it was a common occurrence to have girls push him away because they were worried of him carrying diseases. “How ‘bout a handjob?”

You shrugged, not really objecting to the idea. Given the choice, you would have still preferred to give him the handjob with gloves on or something, but you figured you could forego the extra precaution just this once. 

It didn’t go as smoothly as you expected to (although no bathroom hookups had ever been plain sailing in your personal experience). Your manicured nails made it hard to maneuver around in the cramped space; this became apparent when you awkwardly fumbled with the zipper of his jeans for a second too long. Huffing with impatience, he swatted your hand away, “here, let me.” 

His dick, like the rest of his form, didn’t hurt to look at. Knowing your luck, you had half expected him to whip out a fungus covered penis, but to your relief it looked acceptably normal. 

You spat into your hand, coating his length with firm strokes until he hardened completely under your touch. 

“Fuck,” he grunted, his small hand coming up to cover your own to speed up your movements. “Yeah, just like that. Spit on it again, fuck.”

You obliged even though the entire thing was messy; his precum mixed with your spit helped your hand glide over his shaft in quick strokes. Slick sounds interlaced with heavy breathing filled the small bathroom stall. The obscene noises spiked up your level of arousal and you let out a dissatisfied whine to remind him to take care of you, too.

You jumped as you felt his hand creep up your flank, his slim fingers reaching for your bra. Belatedly, you realized he was about five seconds away from discovering the most padded bra made by man so you hurried to dissuade him.

“Not the boobs.” Your right hand paused mid-stroke so you could make sure he got the message. “They’re, uh, they’re sensitive right now.”

“Fine.” He rolled his eyes, instead shoving the same hand down the waistband of your skirt without any warning. His plump lips swallowed down your surprised squeal, a groan making its way into your mouth.

His fingers trailed the trims of lace on your underwear, hooking under the hem to trace over your heat. He didn’t waste any time, sinking his fingers into your wet center to curl inside, vainly trying to find your g-spot. His thumb traced over your bundle of nerves a little too roughly and you squeezed his length in response. The muscles in his arms flexed as he plunged his digits into your slick heat. You closed your eyes, trying to grow accustomed to his relentless ministrations. 

“What the fuck?!” 

“What?” The sheer disgust in his tone jolted you back to reality, your head banging into the wall with a dull sound. “What is it, what’s wrong?”

He brought up his hand so you could see the way his small fingers glistened with your juices and b—

“Couldn’t you have told me you were on your period before making me finger you?” 

“Ummmmm.” Admittedly, you weren’t being very eloquent but it was difficult to gather your thoughts when there was fucking blood on his hand and under his nails. You were way too freaked out to think about this calmly. What the fuck. What the actual fuck. What the...  

“It’s not my time of the month...” You frowned as he went to wipe off his hand with toilet paper. “I’m not due until another week and half. What the fuck...”

Now that there wasn’t a haze covering your vision, it was easier to analyze the situation logically. And without his fingers hammering away against your walls, it was easier to notice a sting near your sensitive skin. It was starting to dawn on you that the asswipe had actually fingered you too hard, making you bleed. You were about to screech in horror but he continued on, interrupting your inner screaming.

“Yeah, right. There was fucking blood! I know I’ve had a few drinks but look!” He waved around the soiled toilet paper to prove his point, ignoring the way you coiled away in revulsion. “You’re disgusting.”

You couldn’t believe the actual nerve of this shithead. Incensed, you had a hard time keeping your voice down, wanting nothing more than to shove his head into the disgusting toilet bowl to shut him up.

“I don’t have my period! You’re the one who tried to claw out my vagina!” Inwardly, you seethed. “Get the fuck out of here while I’m still being nice.”

“Whatever.” 

You sent a text to Youjin informing her you would take a taxi cab home. The night was coming to a premature end but you were too angry to go find someone else to take home. You weren’t in the right mind to trust anyone else with your vagina at the moment, not when it was apparently in danger of being clawed out.

youjin [01:13 am] homerun? ;)

She was so far from the truth that it was actually kind of sad... You were starting to think you were cursed. Why was it this troublesome to find someone who would give you a satisfying experience? Why were the guys you met so inadequate? 

All of your experiences were getting progressively worse and you weren’t sure what to blame your bad luck on. You weren’t a bad person... You paid your all of your bills and picked up your dog’s poo when you took him out for a walk. Why was karma being a petty bitch and fucking you over?

At your return, your roommate raised an inquisitive eyebrow, eyeing your disheveled form in concern. Upon noticing your despondent expression, she nodded in understanding. “Was it really that bad?” 

“I mean… It could have been... worse. Oh, who am I kidding, it was fucking awful." You cringed, catching your refection in the mirror overhanging the foyer. The corner of your eyes were smudged with kohl and your hair looked like a greasy mess. “Shit, I look like a wreck. Let me shower, yeah? I smell like piss and beer."

You needed to wipe down the gross layer of sweat that covered your body and check your vagina for any irrevocable damage. Thankfully, after a quick inspection, everything seemed to be okay and functioning properly but you still couldn’t trust Thomas or whatever his name was. You spent ten minutes cleaning your hands with soap, scrubbing every possible surface to make sure you weren’t going to catch anything else.

What you needed was a full body cleanse. You flinched as your toes made contact with the cold tiles, hands blindly reaching for the shower knob. Ice cold water rained down your back but you clenched your jaw and endured it, hoping it would distract you from the worries plaguing your mind. 

Soon enough, steam enveloped you, heat soaking into your skin, muscles slowly unwinding. However, it became apparent that the comforting spray of water wasn’t enough to dispel any of your concerns.

Honestly, what was the use of having a nice dick if you couldn't use it properly? Why would men boast about their skills when it was obvious they didn't give two flying fucks about their partner's sexual pleasure? Why were men so selfish? You weren't even asking for much... Was one orgasm really too much to ask for? 

"Men are gross," you whispered to yourself bitterly, reaching for the peach scented body wash. Perhaps it was time to finally invest in a nice vibrator, because if your recent experiences were anything to go by, you wouldn’t be getting off any time soon.

You didn’t even have it in you to be angry. The frustration over your lack of success had slowly ebbed away and left only room for doubt—doubt in yourself and your ability to not attract assholes. There are so many men out there; you refused to believe they were all one and the same. Still, your experiences so far had proved you otherwise and your optimism was beginning to dwindle.

After making sure you were completely clean, you wandered off to the living room, wrapped in your fluffy bathrobe. You flopped down on the couch, your dripping hair making a mess on the furniture.

“I’m cursed,” you bemoaned, words muffled because you had face planted into the cushions. “Dicks hate me.”

“Why are you always so dramatic?” your roommate scoffed, not even bothering to sound sympathetic, attention focused on a rerun of Project Runway.

“I’m serious.” You sat back up, attaching your hair so it would stop soaking the back of your nightshirt. “I think men are allergic to me.”

You recounted all of your failed encounters, not leaving out that one time a guy had ‘accidentally’ rimmed you while trying to eat you out. What a nightmare. You still got full body shivers whenever you remembered that horrific experience. At the end of your heated monologue, you couldn’t help but get a little emotional, lamenting your string of failures.

“Listen to me... Let’s get one thing straight—you are not the problem. All those guys were self-centered assholes who thought they were hot shit. Not everyone is like that, you know. Are you seriously going to give up on dick because of a few bad experiences?” 

“I’m not interested in dating,” you insisted, ignoring her. “But I never said I wasn’t interested in dick. I just... want one that knows what it's doing. Does that make sense? I don’t want to have to deal with period scares or guys that try to sneak in a bit of butt action when you’re distracted."

“Oh?” She visibly perked up at your words, trying to assess how serious you were being. "You know... There's an app for that."

"I've tried dating websites... But it's exhausting, and I'm not ready for any emotional inv—"

"Not that," she cut in impatiently, reaching for her purse and rummaging inside. 

“A sex toy seems like the better option.” You pointed out, reluctantly giving into the idea. “I don’t really like the feel of silicone but—”

After a few taps on her phone and a triumphant “hmmfph” sound, she thrust her device in your face. It took a few short seconds for the screen to come into focus; the proximity nearly made you go cross-eyed.

“Dick n’ Go?" Doubt seeped through your words. "Why does this sound like a bad porn movie? How does this even work...” You trailed off, not convinced by her idea in the slightest. It was hard to trust someone who liked to put cucumber slices in the water pitcher just because ‘it looked aesthetic’.

“It’s like the upgraded, safer version of Tinder. You’re guaranteed to land someone who knows what he’s doing. Trust me... If Stevie and I hadn’t gotten back together, I’d probably still be using Dick n’ Go all the time. This is the best invention of the 21st century. Everyone should be using this!”

You looked down at the her phone suspiciously. How did she expect you do jump onto the Dick n’ Go bandwagon when it had such a terrible name... 

“Just give it a try!” she persisted, nudging you with her elbow. “No offense, but it can't get any worse."

“Okay,” you relented. “But only this once! And if this fails, then I’ll just accept my fate.”

You waited for the app to download on your own phone, inwardly cringing at the phallic illustration used as the logo. 

Glancing over the questionnaire, you filled out the form with the requested details. The beginning seemed fairly normal—requiring your basic information such as your name and age. You didn’t think much of it, but as you slowly made your way through the rest of the questions, worry and heavy doubt started to sink in.

Calling your friend over, you motioned at the screen in front of you. “Why are they asking me the penis size I prefer? Is this some kind of joke...”

Your friend’s manic cackling did nothing to soothe your growing apprehension. “I’m telling you, this app is fucking genius. Revolutionary. Just take it seriously for now… You’ll see. You really won’t regret it.”

You considered her advice and figured it wouldn’t hurt to try, even if the application method was a bit…weird and unconventional. Signing up didn’t implicate commitment of any kind, so you could always back down if things didn’t work out.

Once you finished completing all the necessary information and choosing a nice picture of yourself (cleavage included), your nerves started getting the best of you. A strange feeling seized you right then—a premonition of sorts.  

As the first picture loaded onto your screen, you almost dropped your phone in shock. After the initial surprise had worn off, your attention focused back onto the first person’s profile. Instead of being greeted with a flattering picture of his face, a large, limp dick hanging between a pair of sturdy thighs showed up. 

The format reminded you a bit of tinder but as you flicked through the different profiles, it became apparent that every possible match had pictures of their dicks instead of the usual bathroom selfie or cute snaps of them out with their dog.

“Some of this is a bit…” You faltered, shooting your friend another dubious glance. “Are you sure this is okay? Why do they have listed ‘vigorous humping’ as an option?”

“Hey, don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. Personally, I like the ones who are good at ‘powerful thwacking’ but to each their own.” 

You pretended like you hadn’t heard her last comment, thumb still flicking through the dick pics. It was your first time seeing so many penises at once and to say you were overwhelmed wasn’t an exaggeration. 

“Why would anyone agree to this? Isn’t it a bit... How can they be okay with strangers judging them off their dicks alone?”

“That’s because there’s nothing that strokes a guy’s ego more than a dick compliment. You see the stars next to their names? You have to evaluate their performance after you take a ride. You think guys who are shit in bed would sign up on this app? Their puny egos wouldn’t be able to handle getting zero stars.” 

You figured it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try.. Especially if mutual satisfaction was 100% guaranteed. Trying to find the best rated dick took a bit longer than expected, but you finally landed on a profile that seemed more than acceptable. Not only did he have a good reputation but the dick was actually nice to look at.

you [03:01 am] is that a fake dick

Granted, it probably was not the best conversation starter, but you weren’t exactly a dick dating expert. In your defense, how were you supposed to start a normal conversation when the only information you had about your partner was how well endowed he was? No matter how you looked at the situation, it felt like you were having a conversation with an actual dick. 

Feeling embarrassed, you turn off your phone. The app seemed a little too ridiculous for your tastes and the next day you had already forgotten all about it. Too busy nursing a hangover and tending to your aching vagina, you didn’t give Dick n’ Go any second thoughts until a message pinged in during the night as you were getting ready for bed.

jin [11:12 pm] 100% real lol

jin [11:12 pm] why? afraid you can’t handle it

At his speedy answer, you could only scoff, fingers suspended over your keyboard as you debated whether or not to humor him. He sounded like just another campus fuckboy, way too overconfident in his own skills, when the reality was probably very far from his claims. The recent events had made you even more wary of guys who bragged too much because their actions never lived up to the expectations they had built. 

But the five gold stars next to his name seemed to be winking at you, teasing you further. You hadn’t come across any profile with over three stars, so the full marks did pique your curiosity. Despite your better judgement, you wanted to know if he was really as good as his description suggested... Didn’t five stars imply he was the closest thing to a Sex God? You tried to imagine being with someone who never received complaints in the bedroom but everything just seemed too unbelievable to take seriously. Instead of feeling intimidated by his reputation, doubt clouded your thoughts. Surely someone couldn’t be that good. Right? 

Yet, for some inexplicable reason, you chose to continue the conversation. There was no harm in humoring him for a bit longer, you convinced yourself. But just as you started typing out a response, you backtracked, realizing how foolish you were acting. 

you [11:14 pm] i can handle anything just fine

you [11:14 pm] ur way too full of yourself...

There. Hopefully that would be the end of that, and he would leave you alone now. 

You didn’t even know why you had agreed to do this; clearly, this arrangement was full of obnoxious men with over-inflated egos. Still, somewhere deep down, curiosity gnawed at your insides. The big “What If” lingered in the back of your mind as you stared at the darkened screen of your phone full of expectation. 

jin [11:17 pm] you’re the one who talks big.. you think you can handle what i give you? hha

jin [11:18 pm] it’s ok.. 

jin [11:18 pm] it’s cute that you think you can

you [11:20 pm] seems like u’ve got me all figured out

you [11:21 pm] we’ll see who is right

.

.

At first, you chose to indulge him just because it was entertaining. But the more messages were exchanged, a strange thrill buzzed through your body as you anticipated his replies. 

Once, you had made the grave mistake of opening an incoming picture in the middle of a lecture, only to be greeted with the image of his erect length, pink and shiny with precum. Thankfully, no one had seemed to notice Jin’s dick, but you had been ready to crawl out of the lecture hall in embarrassment. And not because someone might have seen Jin’s impressive erection. You didn’t really care about that. What you would have a hard time admitting was that a single picture had gotten you so worked up, concentrating in class had become impossible.

Jin—that arrogant prick—had somehow known how affected he had made you. Since then, he hadn’t hesitated  to tease you further over the next few days with various pictures of his dick. Now, you never knew what kind of image you would be met with. It could be anything from a tame picture of his jean clad covered bulge to a short five second video of his hand stroking his shaft, his thumb swiping the tip to collect a bead of precum. Once, he had even had the audacity to moan your name right before he came, white dripping out of his spent member. 

No one could blame you for being wary whenever you opened his messages. But in the safety of your own room, you allowed yourself to open his latest message. In all honesty, you had waited all day to finally be able to view the sent picture in privacy. You clicked on the image, enlarging it so that it lit up your screen. Without conscious thought, your lips parted in surprise. 

The first thought to cross your mind was 'what the heck... he could at least try to make his catfishing believable'. His face defied the norm... With perfectly symmetrical features, your eyes didn’t know where to focus its gaze. You took a moment to stare at his plush lips before snapping out of it, typing out a furious response, fingers moving so quickly you had to backtrack to correct your typos.

you [11:54 pm] r u kidding me??

you [11:54 pm] send me your real face ;(

jin [11:54 pm] what makes you think i'm not? lol

you [11:55 pm] no normal person looks good in the bj angle!!

jin [11:57 pm] the bj angle? lmao

You paused as the three gray dots appeared on your screen once more. He left you no time to answer back; the short buzzes against your palm signaled the onslaught of incoming messages that arrived one right after the other, illuminating the dark of your room.

jin [11:58 pm] you'll have to get used to it

jin [11:58 pm] i like eye contact when i get head

jin [11:58 pm] you're imagining it right now arent u? ha

jin [11:58 pm] are you wet

There was something amusing about his overflowing confidence. You weren’t sold quite yet, but there was no harm in continuing the conversation. 

you [11:59 pm] u really think you can get me wet over text??

you [11:59 pm] you'll have to work harder for that

jin [11:59 pm] mmh i like a challenge

jin [12:00 am] but it's okay to admit it too

jin [12:00 am] i won't judge

Now that you knew what he claimed to look like, the entire thing became a little less ridiculous and a bit more real. You weren’t just talking to a faceless, talking dick... There was an actual person attached to it. Said person just happened to be abnormally handsome... 

It would be incredibly stupid of you to believe him. But his account was verified. That had to count for something, right? You were about to type out a response when he continued on.  

jin [12:01 am] in fact

jin [12:02 am] i like it better that way, when i get you to admit you're hungry for dick

you [12:04 am] i'm not... so good luck with that

Instantly, you regretted not responding with something more witty. Your words sounded hollow and unconvincing. He probably knew as well as you did that you were interested. Why else would you keep messaging him after this long? He was the only one you talked to on the app, the only who truly caught your attention and curiosity.

Gnawing your bottom lip between your teeth, you wondered what he would answer. For a fleeting second, you wondered where all of this would take you... It was easier to imagine yourself actually going through with all of this now that you had a face to match to his name. 

jin [12:06 am] i think you are

jin [12:06 am] why else would you join dng? you need a nice dick to satisfy you

jin [12:07 am] you love cock

Your mouth dropped open as you read over the latest messages. The words bothered you because deep down you knew he was right. You were a thirsty slut who wanted a good dicking down. But he didn’t have to be so crude about it... Although maybe etiquette didn’t matter when you were part of an app called Dick n’ Go.

you [12:09 am] ur right..

you [12:10 am] i love cock

you [12:10 am] but only one that knows what it’s doing

jin [12:11 am] sounds like a challenge

jin [12:12 am] i don’t have 5 fucking stars for nothing ;-)

.

.

.

Maybe agreeing to setting up an arrangement was a bad idea. In all honesty, you had been very unsure about everything. During the nights leading up to this day, you had doubted your choice many times but Jin had never failed to reassure you. He reminded you that you were free to cancel anytime or step away from the entire thing. 

The thing was... You weren’t worried that it would somehow go terribly wrong. Your real worry was that you would never be able to go back to your normal hookups after this. How were you ever supposed to be the same again? Jin was reputed to be a sex god. Going from horrible fucks to the best fuck of your entire life was too steep a jump and you weren’t sure you were ready for it.

Your worries weren’t unfounded. 

The first thought to cross your mind was “how the fuck is someone like him real?”. Now, you had seen your fair share of handsome men in your life, but he really took the cake. Equipped with symmetrical features, doe eyes and the softest looking pair of plump lips, you had a hard time believing a face like his truly existed. You blinked quickly, trying to pull your attention away from his draw-dropping face, only for your attention to fall on his shoulders. 

How the heck could someone’s shoulders be so broad?! He looked like he could carry two people on each side and still have room for more. You were glad he wasn’t gifted with the ability to read minds. He might have been put off by the amount of internal screaming that was currently taking place, and the last thing you wanted was for him to run away. 

“Not what you were expecting?” he chuckled. 

“I, um,” you stuttered, not sure what to do with yourself all of a sudden. For some ridiculous reason, you felt your pulse race as his gaze perused your form. 

Snapping yourself out of your mindless reverie, you tried your best to appear unaffected when he took off his hoodie. The thin cotton shirt underneath hugged his body tightly, showcasing his broad shoulders and rippling back muscles. You wanted to swim on his back. Or let him backstroke on your body... Really, you weren’t a difficult person; you welcomed either option.

“I look good, don’t I.” The way he delivered the phrase showed he didn’t expect an answer, the corners of his lips already curled into a haughty smirk. 

His confidence made you narrow your eyes in response. The sight reminded you of all the fuckboys you had encountered in the past few weeks. They always bragged and boasted, their words fueled by the same excessive confidence. It always started out the same way—with empty promises and self-praise—but this time you weren’t going to let yourself be fooled. You didn’t care if Jin was the most handsome human being your eyes had every laid eyes upon. The point of this entire arrangement was for you to get an earth shattering orgasm and you weren’t going to settle for anything less than spectacular. He was rated five stars on his profile for a reason—now was the time to prove it.

“Listen, Jin,” you said with faux sweetness coating your words. “It doesn’t matter what you look like... Looks don’t matter if you’re going to end up leaving me unsatisfied. So don’t think, even for a second, that you can roll over, let me do all the work and then leave me high and dry.”

“Unsatisfied?” He parroted, brow furrowing like he had no idea what the word meant. “Sounds like you’ve never been with a real man before.” 

Well, he wasn’t wrong on that front but you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of letting him know he was right. The last thing he needed was an ego boosting.

“You talk too much...” Scoffing, you crossed your arms to showcase your annoyance. “Guys like you usually don’t even know where to find my clit. It’s sad. You really shouldn’t build up expectations like that, only to disappoint when it’s time to get your dick wet.”

An offended squawk escaped his plump lips. “Hey now. First of all, unless your pussy is a jungle down there, you can rest assured finding your clit won’t be an Easter egg hunt. Who do you think I am?”

He ignored the mild look of indignation that crossed over your features. Instead, he took a seat on the queen-sized bed, his legs falling open invitingly. With difficulty, you kept your eyes trained on his face even though they itched to wander down.

“Come sit on Daddy’s lap.”

“Fuck, no,” you grumbled at once, ignoring the way his gruff tone shot arousal through your stomach. “I’m not calling you Daddy or Papi or whatever else you’re probably into.”

He shrugged, otherwise not budging an inch. He looked at you expectantly, confident that you would give in. “If you want to cum tonight like a good girl, then I suggest you take a seat.” He patted his thighs for emphasis, your eyes immediately drawn to the enticing bulge that was nicely showcased in his tight jeans.

That arrogant fucker did look good, you admitted inwardly, scowling slightly as you did so.

You sat down gingerly, trying to keep your composure in check. The ever-permanent smirk on his face revealed he hadn’t missed your audible gulp when you made contact with his strong thighs. 

“So far, I’m pretty unimpressed...” You lied, shifting around on his lap just you could feel how comfortable your makeshift seat was.

His fingers twitched at your side, his nails scratching your exposed skin and sending tingles down your spine. “Maybe you’re so accustomed to messy and drunken college fucks that your expectations are a bit skewed. You know... Just because you’ve had sex a handful of times doesn’t mean you’re experienced.” 

He chuckled, the low sound rumbling in his chest. You tried to ignore the way the vibrations made goosebumps prickle the surface of your skin, doing your best to keep the most indifferent expression on your face. 

“Did you think that just because we decided to meet up today, you’d get your orgasm handed to you on a silver platter? I don’t think so, babygirl.” He shook his head in amusement. 

Momentarily distracted by the unexpected petname, it took a bit longer than usual for words to form on your tongue.

“Then what—” 

“You’re not getting my cock until I know you want it.”

“I don’t think I would be here if I didn’t,” you shot back, your patience slowly running out. You weren’t known for being the most forbearing person. But then you were suddenly struck down by something your roommate had said—something about how getting a dick compliment was the same thing as Christmas day coming early. Did he really expect you to beg for his dick? That wasn’t so different from the fuckboys you were used to. Really, all guys were so similar. They all wanted to be told they were the best before getting to cum.

Jin must have taken notice of your mildly revolted expression because he gave your ass a squeeze.

“You’re so spoiled...” He chastised, clucking his tongue like he was scolding a child. “You’re too used to fucks that last five minutes on a good day... No wonder you’re so irritable. Hmmm... Do you know what I usually do with little girls like you?”

Little? He couldn’t have been that much older than you... You rolled your eyes only for them to blow open, not expecting the stinging smack on your left asscheek. The force of the swat made you jolt forward, the denim of your shorts rubbing against your clit, sending small zaps of pleasure down your spine.

“Let me guess... You punish them,” you glowered. 

“Punishment?” Jin hums in contemplation, his large hand rubbing the place where he had hit you, soothing away the ache. “That’s not what I would call it.”

He leaned in close so that his breath ghosted over the sensitive skin of your ear, “listen closely. I’m not going to feed you my cock until I see you drooling for it.”

You bit your lower lip, trying to gauge how serious he was being. There was no denying you wanted him to fuck you, but you weren’t sure you could handle whatever he had in store for you. 

Jin’s features softened, seemingly sensing your hesitancy. “It’s okay... Just follow my lead. I’ll make you feel good, okay? You just have to prove that you want this as much as I suspect you do.”

“And how do— I mean, what do...” You stammered, genuinely at a loss for words. The guys you were usually with would have already stripped out of their jeans, but Jin looked like he wasn’t going to move an inch. 

“You’re really tense, babygirl.” Jin massaged your neck, his thumbs rubbing out the tense muscles in soft circles. You felt yourself turn limp and pliant in his lap, head drooping down as he worked out the kinks in your neck. “That’s it, just relax for me. Are you ready to be a good girl now?”

You nodded mutely, letting his soothing voice guide you. Something about his voice made you trust him; you felt confident he wouldn’t let you down. One of his hands tilted your head down so he could slant his plush lips against yours. Immediately, you melted against his mouth, the softness of his lips silently inviting you to press into them. But despite your most fervent efforts, his kisses stayed languid, refusing to match your pace. Frustrated, you moved in closer, molding your body against his, your fingers carding through the hairs at his nape. To your dismay, he pulled back, a satisfied look covering his features.

“See? This is a good start. Keep moving your hips like that.”

With a start, you realized you had been grinding desperate little circles into his lap, your hips searching for much needed friction. 

“J-Jin.” Your words came out as a soft plea, your gaze hooded with desire.

“Do you need a little help?” He smiled at you sweetly, taking pleasure in seeing you slowly fall apart at the seams. 

His hands slid up under the hem of your shorts, squeezing the flesh and urging you to continue the smooth rocking movements. With every undulation, you felt your arousal grow until your entire body was consumed with pure, unbridled need. The slow burn was different from what you were usually used to but not in a bad way. You were slowly losing your mind, your hips moving more and more frantically as you tried to rub the burning ache away.

Jin pinched your ass, effectively stopping your movements before you could get too carried away. The sharp bite went straight to your core, the ball of arousal in the pit of your stomach coiling tightly. You were distinctly aware how your damp panties were stuck to your folds and how wetness dripped down your thigh—proof of your rampant desire Jin had coaxed to life. 

“If we took your shorts off right now and continued, you would make a mess of my jeans, wouldn’t you?” 

Jin slapped your ass again as he waited for you to answer him.  

“Y-yes! I’d make a mess all over you.” Trying to ignore the heat that bloomed on your cheeks, you stuttered out your reply.

“And why is that? Hm?” He remained still, his hands unmoving at your side, patiently awaiting your response. The answer he expected was clear to you but for some reason the words wouldn’t come out—stuck in your throat. 

You gasped, your hands finding purchase on his broad shoulders. He was bouncing his leg up, making you lurch forward with every jerk of his knee. Every time you slammed back down, the pressure on your clit increased tenfold and your eyes became glassy as pleasure inflamed your insides.

“Oh g-god, fuck, I—”

“Why are you such a mess for my cock, huh? Why do you think you got so worked up easily? I didn’t even have to do much and you’ve become putty in my hands.” He maneuvered your body around so that you brushed up against his covered erection. Soft whines and mewls escaped your lips when he pushed your hips down further against him. It was hard to fathom why he wouldn’t just fuck you already and extinguish the throb between your thighs.

“I don’t know. I’m not— I just...” You inhaled deeply, trying to lift the haze of lust that muddled your thoughts. “Please, can I have your cock now? I’ve been good.”

“Hmm... But that’s not what I want to hear, is it? Do you remember what I told you over text?” You blinked slowly, your mind drawing a blank at his question. How did he expect you to answer such a vague question? “No? Well, let me refresh your memory. I recall you saying that you weren’t cock hungry, but I think we both know that’s not true, is it?”

There was a pause of silence as you tried to weigh the pros and the cons. At the end of the day, he wasn’t wrong. But it was embarrassing to admit it out loud. 

“Fine, I’m cock hungry. I love cock. Can we fuck now?” you huffed out, refusing to meet his smug stare. 

“Hm. Somehow I had imagined it sounding a lot sexier when you said it...” The space between his brows creased as slight disappointment marred his features.

“Life isn’t a porn movie, Jin.”

“We met through an app called Dick n’ Go,” he quipped back, rolling his eyes. “It was worth a shot.” 

With surprising strength, he lifted you up by the waist before setting you down on the bed. Instantly, you missed being pressed up against the hard planes of his body and having his large hands holding you closer to him. The pale blue cotton sheets creased under your weight as you shimmied backwards.

“Clothes off.” 

His tone made you shudder with anticipation. You could tell he was done with foreplay for now; the obvious bulge in his jeans reminding you he was probably equally affected as you. His eyes were dark, hunger etched onto every part of his expression. You scooted back on the bed until your back met the headboard, your hands busy with ridding yourself of your garments. 

Jin, on the other hand, took his sweet time taking off his belt; the metal clink echoed in the silence of the room, shooting shivers down your back. Your want for him was almost palpable—you could feel the desire sit heavy on your tongue. His gaze never left your exposed body, trailing over the slim column of your neck, the curves of your waist and your rosy nipples. You smirked, letting your legs fall open so he could sneak a peak at your glistening core. He swallowed thickly, peeling off his shirt and kicking away his jeans, too aroused to care about composure anymore. Every man had their own limits and you were glad Jin was reaching his if that meant he would finally stop playing around.

As he crawled onto the bed, you expected him to start fucking you right away but instead he dove headfirst between your legs. 

“Jin, what are—” But he kept your legs wide open with a steady grip on your thighs, ignoring your weak cries of protest. He went straight to work, his tongue taking an experimental lick before pressing more insistently against your folds, deftly avoiding your clit. Any disapproval promptly died in your throat, your body succumbing to the overwhelming pleasure he gave you. 

You had been worried he would slobber everywhere and maybe try to lick down lower like your previous experiences, but his tongue movements stayed consistent and languid. He seemed to know exactly how to move, how much you could take. Any coherent thought was wiped out with every skillful swirl and swipe of his tongue against your slick center. Your mewls of pleasure became progressively louder as your body succumbed to his insistent licks. 

Threading your fingers through his soft locks, you attempted to bring his face closer to your core. Need pulsed through your veins as you wriggled around, canting your hips in time with the swipes of his tongue. Eventually, everything within you snapped. The intensity of your orgasm took you by surprise, not expecting the strength of the pleasure as it crashed over you over and over again. Your toes curled and your back arched, every one of your muscles tensing as the orgasm took hold of you. 

Slowly, you came back to reality. Blinking away white spots from your vision, you tensed up again when your eyes landed on Jin’s satisfied expression. He looked absolutely sinful—his hair messy from your tugging, his face wet from your arousal. 

“Good?” Jin asked, licking his lips dry, his chin still shiny from your wetness. 

“Mmh.” You nodded, too fucked out to give a more intelligible reply. Your limbs felt heavy, your tongue too big for your mouth. But there was no denying the glorious satisfaction that settled deep in your core. “Fuck me now?”

“You’re insatiable,” he scolded lightly. It was hard to take him seriously when his eyes gleamed with something close to endearment. Still, despite his words, he wasted no time lining up his erection with your waiting center. 

You took a moment to appreciate how utterly gorgeous he was. When you looked at Jin, you knew you were looking at a man. His forehead shined with a sheen of sweat, his chin still wet from your juices. And his fucking shoulders. You had never really paid attention to other people’s shoulders before, but you somehow knew that no one else’s shoulders could ever compare to Jin’s. 

“Ah, fuck,” he grunted above you, frowning slightly as he eased himself in slowly. “You’re so wet, I’m sliding right in.”

You bit your lip, trying to remember how to breathe. It was hard to accommodate his impressive girth, but the stretch felt so good you couldn’t help but let out a long moan. Jin slowly thrust the rest of his length in, one of his hands gliding over your smooth thigh only to hike it up over his hip. He kept his grip steady before pushing back into you, drawing out another pleased sound from your lips as he reached impossibly deeper within you.

“Look,” he grinned between heavy pants. Wiping the side of your mouth with his thumb, he wiped your spit over your cheek. “I told you. You’re drooling all over yourself because of my cock. Cute.”

If you had been more self-possessed you would have rolled your eyes and shot back a witty remark. But at the moment, you were having a hard enough time remembering your own name... Every fluid roll of his hips into yours rubbed the insides of your walls deliciously, your walls clenching around him as you neared your release. You couldn’t believe you were already so close to crumbling apart again, not when it usually took so much effort to get you off. 

“Are you gonna cum already? Mmh fuck, good girl. Make a mess of the sheets and then I’ll feed you my cock like I promised.” He picked up the pace of his thrusts, intent on making you fall apart one more time. Jin reached down to circle down on your clit with precision, timing the swipes of his fingers with the rhythm of his hips. The rapid flicks against your sensitive spots felt too good; you couldn’t help but grind into his touch for more friction.

You shook and moaned, pleasure striking down upon you without any warning. A cry of ecstasy fell from your lips, your nails scratching down his back as you tried to ground yourself to reality. Jin groaned loudly as your walls clamped down around him, squeezing out his own orgasm. Feeling him cum in spurts inside you made a shudder ripple through you, prolonging your high. You felt like you were floating; your limp and spent body still vibrating from the aftershocks. Every limb was thrumming with pleasure. 

Jin rolled over next to you, his chest rising and falling from the exertion. His hair was matted with sweat, his body cloaked in a thin layer of perspiration. But as you eyed the pink flush on his cheeks, you inwardly admitted that he was probably the most handsome person you had met in your life. 

But not only was he devastatingly handsome, but he had given you the fuck of your life. Instead of the usual fast-paced hammering you had been previously subjected to, Jin had taken his time and built your orgasm brick by brick. It was difficult to accept guys like him actually existed in this world...

“If you want seconds, you just have to ask.” He caught your gaze mid-appraisal, a cocky smirk settling on his lips. 

“You just came.”

“My refractory period is quite short, actually. And I can usually last a lot longer my second time.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, his hand already sliding down to play with your dripping center. You shied away from his touch, still too sensitive.

Well, of course he would have the stamina of a pornstar... This guy was just too good to be true. You half-expected to be woken up from a very lucid dream and be brought back to the cold, harsh reality. Guys like Jin were a rarity. And after tonight, you probably would never meet him again. You would only be left with a distant memory and new standards that would be impossible to meet. 

Regret churned in your gut. What was done was done. You tried to focus on the positive side of things... You did just have a mind-blowing orgasm. That was something you ought to be celebrating and not moping about.

“It’s okay, I can go get you cleaned up right now. We can go for a round two next time.” Your eyelids felt heavy but you smiled at him in thanks when he got up to get a wet towel for you. 

You didn’t mean to fall asleep but when you woke up, the morning sunlight filtered through the sheer drapes. Basking under the warm rays of light, you stretched out your sore muscles. 

Last night had been a dream, hadn’t it? The space next to you on the bed was  disappointingly empty and void. Maybe you had just dreamed everything up, after all... Releasing a sigh, you slowly got up, hand reaching over the bedside table to check the time on your phone. Frowning, you rubbed the sleepiness from your eyes, fingers wrapping around a slip of paper after fumbling around blindly. 

It took a moment for your vision to sharpen into focus but when it did, a lazy smile pulled at the corners of your lips. Next to a scrawled phone number was signed off ‘call me for round two xx your favorite five star dick guy’. And, well, who were you to turn down a good fuck?

.

.

#happy birthday mommy wonka;; #accept the seokjin di cc aka the greatest gift of them all #bangtanwriters-net #kkreationsnet #kwriterskollection #bts smut #bts scenarios #seokjin scenarios #seokjin smut #kpop scenarios #i need to go back and edit the last scene but yay :'')

[wareexami]

– Icepop

Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can't Believe We Didn't Think Of Them Ourselves

Tuesday 27 August 2019 08:40 AM UTC-05 | Tags: april-fools diy entertainment funny funny-jokes hilarious jokes practical-jokes pranks

1. Some pranks achieve their goal quite simply, while others require a pretty incredible amount of dedication. Just imagine how hard it was to design this masterful car seat replica — and all the poor drive-thru window workers that it managed to terrify.

Imgur/EirgB

2. Regardless of whether or not you’ve seen the Alien movie franchise and know that this is a much-dreaded facehugger, opening the door to your fridge half-asleep for a midnight snack and finding this sight greeting you is one giant NOPE.

Reddit/surferchik

3. Excruciatingly irritating vehicle pranks deserve to be in a class of their own. This one is so simple yet so effective, it’s practically genius: with the mere use of cotton balls dipped in water on a freezing cold night, you’ve given your friend (or enemy?) hours of annoyance.

Tumblr/crystaljasmin

4. Surprise! Just when you thought that public spaces such as your friendly local grocery store were safe from pranks, you encounter this vile trick snake patiently awaiting your shrieks in the produce section. Wonder if they’ll ever ‘lettuce’ back in again?

Imgur/eH0bMTb

5. Few acts of injustice in the world are deserving of a life-term prison sentence. Yet this is an act so heinous, so egregious, so sickeningly twisted, that we’re bummed we didn’t come up with it on our own first.

Twitter/@djksting

6. C’mon, first world! There are hungry people out there! Must you waste your cereal in the name of this faceplant-worthy little prank? The only thing worse than the waste of food here would be if some eco-conscious samaritan cleaned up the scene as any ravenous breakfast-easter would. Ewbnb!

Instagram/roxyawesomeface

7. Looks like after years of getting harassed and barked at by the family dog, the mailman got just plain fed up and decided to deliver a little something besides mail. Signed, sealed, delivered!

Tumblr/blaaargh

8. There are several things that are safe to assume here. Firstly, that this bird foot is (hopefully) not real, and secondly, whoever accidentally ends up finding it is highly likely to jump out of their skins.

Instagram/huntgathercook

9. Come on, dude, it’s time to rally. Doesn’t it just drive you crazy when that one friend can’t keep up with the beer pong and passes out in the middle of a game? Punishment pranks are fun alright, but this balancing act is sheer art.

Reddit/ighostship

10. It’s the small things in life that can often be irritating beyond description. For this most sinister of epic pranks, paint a bar of soap with clear nail polish. Then watch as the victim struggles wondering how the should-be-suds could end up being defective.

Reddit/thebobstu

11. You’ve heard of air horns before, sure, but what about chairhorns? Neither has your unfortunate unsuspecting office mate probably, but chances are, it’s an experience they’ll never forget, and nor will all those poor souls in the vicinity who will lose temporary use of their eardrums.

Reddit/pivottofakie

12. Whoever thinks up elaborate and time-consumingly epic pranks like this deserves a word of praise. It’s a mischievous trick that’s both incredibly detailed and color-coordinated. It may take a long and frustrating amount of time to undo, but, frankly, looks so darn pretty!

Imgur/ICanDrawFish

13. What makes spiders so appealing as the key ingredient in so many pranks? Perhaps it’s because they’re so small yet so many humans share a deep-seated fear of them. Whatever’s the case, there’s bound to be someone out there who would take this warning seriously.

Twitter/@SCHS_architect

14. Who could be so diabolical as to desecrate the most holy act of enjoying an Oreo cookie? This epic prank takes no prisoners. How weird would it be if the person eating it thought it was simply a tasty, mint-flavored version of everyone’s favorite cookie sandwich?

Instagram/joelynnbonnotdds

15. Hot diggity dog! Just looking at this bizarre set-up is like one of those moments in The Matrix where all time and space freezes — except with frankfurters. Let’s just hope whoever lives in this room isn’t vegan.

Reddit/twilliams9

16. Fancy a swing, anyone? This time-encompassing prank required some careful preparation, but the final product is absolutely flawless. What’s more, making this bedroom into an impromptu croquet field made barely any mess at all. That grass is perfectly trimmed.

Reddit/udomolm

17. Is your coworker going on a long vacation, leaving their desk woefully unattended? Then here’s the chance for an epic prank that’s not only brilliant, but eco-friendly! By sewing seeds between their keyboard keys, you’ve created a problem that they’ll feel bad about having to destroy.

Flickr/wetwebwork

18. They found love in a hungry place. Sure, food can be our friend when we’re in need of a bit of self-pampering. But opening the fridge to discover a whole new posse of seemingly sentient beings is euqal parts adorable and terrifying.

Reddit/biggletits

19. Having trouble getting your kids to eat their veggies, while simultaneously seeking to give them a lifetime of trust issues? Then this epic prank is absolutely perfect for you! Mmm, Brussels pops… yum?

Reddit/Uberalles123456789

20. For this high school’s senior class prank, they managed to pull off one of those pranks that’s so simple to achieve and so precise that it looks like a work of art. Just observe this obstacle course of styrofoam water cups, and bask in its glory.

Reddit/evanallmighty7

21. We all know the existential battle of mankind vs. cling wrap, and how difficult it can be just to get a single piece to cover that half-eaten vegetable in the fridge. So imagine the sheer anguish at discovering your ride had fallen prey to this most ugh-worthy of pranks.

Instagram/chefbellatoland

22. This is the Jackson Pollock of bedroom pranks. It’s raw, it’s unhinged, it’s random, and it’s ferocious, lacking any rhyme or reason. With just a few strips of strong tape, you can properly and thoroughly ruin your roommate’s day. Game on!

Reddit/thelittlepie

23. Who knew painting tiles was so easy? These coworkers really thought outside of the box, or rather, cubicle. Even after going through all the trouble to redesign this work space as a bathroom, they get extra points for that curtain: it’s all about the reveal!

Flickr/mikegallo

24. Ah, the old rubber band around the phone prank. So cost-effective, so primitive, and yet so aggravating. Let’s just hope whoever’s office phone this is doesn’t have any important conference calls to make that day — or a sharp pair of scissors on hand.

Flickr/furryscaly

25. This epic prank is so clever because of its absolute absurdity. Just imagine being the victim of this practical joke and having your voicemail inundated with a bunch of random people leaving you a message yelling “NGRARRRRWWRRRRR” and then hanging up.

Reddit/wwryan

26. As far as epically gross pranks go, this one is downright foul. Who even knew there was such a thing as shrimp-scented spray in the first place? Regardless, this is one of the nastiest games of dress-up we’ve ever witnessed.

Imgur/PuntCuncher

27. The use of Jigsaw from the gruesome Saw horror film series here was very calculated and precise, because whoever gets stranded without any toilet paper and is forced to use this duct tape could find themselves in a world of horror.

Imgur/NobuNagaa

28. When the owner of this bedroom asked his friends for some help redesigning the place, it’s safe to say this probably wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. At bare minimum, if there’s ever a power outage, he’ll have plenty of reading material.

Twitter/@JessNagy

29. Hell hath no fury like an aggressive shopper. Thankfully, whoever was the victim of this shopping cart trap, could easily extricate themselves — albeit risking the potential to ruin their pain job. Otherwise, it’s time to call in a forklift.

Imgur/potatoetatie

30. As the story behind this unusual prank goes, this makeshift shrine was set up by the recipient’s roommate, after hearing his friend would be bringing his date home that night. Needless to say, whoever the lucky gal was, upon seeing this, would likely run for the hills.

Twitter/@deno_tron

31. Think you know office pranks? You know nothing. With a bit of imagination, a pile of spare keyboards can be used to properly replicate the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones. The prankster even added that delicate final touch of suspended dragons flying above the coveted chair.

Reddit/navri

32. Remember all those excellent cutting and gluing skills you learned in elementary school? It was all to prepare you for this moment. When your prank target turns on the lampshade, there’s a fair chance the results will be heard in the next county over.

Instagram/jameson129

33. Whoever ensnared this office desk in spiderwebs obviously decided their Halloween ought to be filled with far more trick than treat. At least those are fake cobwebs, otherwise we’d have some serious concerns to be brought to HR’s attention.

Flickr/Joe Goldberg

34. Question: how do you show your office companion just how much you care about them on the anniversary of their arrival in the world? Answer: by coating everything, literally everything they own in their work space, in aluminum foil — and no, those aren’t presents.

Instagram/123internet

35. When you want to fool your friends into thinking you’re generous when in reality it’s just a convenient cover-up for your cruel, cruel heart, few pranks could be quite so satisfying as making caramel onions — and even mixing them with apples to make a game of Russian roulette.

Reddit/Aresome_Username

36. Okay, so to properly execute this most random of pranks will require some bonus materials that you may not necessarily have just lying around the house. This is probably not what one would think when they hear “there’s a chick in the bathroom.”

Reddit/jbreezy13

37. So you and your roommates had a house party, complete with the prerequisite sketchy red plastic cups, but you overshot the amount of guests and are left with all these spare ones. What to do, what to do…

Reddit/the_tapatio_man

38. It’s probably safe to say you weren’t expecting your trip to the lavatory to be quite this festive. But then again, the finest of pranks strike when you least expect them. Let’s hope this person didn’t get winded: that’s a lot of balloons to blow up!

Twitter/@love_bughh

39. This prank is the ultimate rebellion against fast food. Finding vegetables when you were expecting those crispy hot little McNuggets would be enough of a bummer, but just be glad whoever tricked you didn’t think of putting something else in there…like, for example, a spider…

Imgur/LamStock

40. Having dreams of shadowy figures is a primal fear for many people. So naturally, rounding the corner when you’ve just woken up from a deep sleep and need a glass of water, this is the last thing you’d want to see.

Reddit/sg804

41. This flag cake prank works for an epic trolling of international proportions. Whether it’s a Canadian friend dishing it out to Americans on the Fourth of July, or an American friend giving a subtle dig on Canada Day, it’s bound to get some well-deserved groans.

Imgur/DrewMalesky

42. Look closely and you’ll realize why this is subtly one of the most mischievous pranks out there. Hidden inside those ice cubes are Mentos. And if you have had any Internet access for the past decade, you very well know what happens when these minty candies make contact with soda.

Reddit/GLman16

43. This one is sure to leave the subject of this crusty prank scratching their head wondering what the prankster’s thought process was. It’s as though they had limited resources, but were determined to pull a joke on their friend.

Instagram/jenniwrenn5

44. Can’t you taste the disappointment? It’s bad enough discovering someone’s eaten your ice cream but left the carton in the freezer. But cleaning the empty container out, filling it with water, and letting that water freeze to give the illusion of weight is just so mean.

Reddit/crazyphoenix

45. Old vegetables starting to go bad? No problem, there’s a pop-culture specific prank just waiting to be pulled off. Of course, this friendly little surprise requires the subject to have at least a passing knowledge of Rick and Morty, but hey! It’s funny no matter what.

Instagram/lunaslipstream

46. Office supplies wars can get absolutely brutal. This perpetrator was apparently not planning on backing down any time soon, and found a simple and perfectly effective way to get his or her point across. Forensics experts may soon be needed at the scene.

Instagram/screamjar

47. This prank could go several different ways. For the desk owner, more likely than not, they realize they’d been pranked. But for another office worker, especially one who hadn’t yet had their morning coffee, seeing this scene might just send them into a tizzy.

Instagram/vary.mu

48. We all know someone like this: those excruciatingly annoying practical jokesters who just have to take our word literally. Yes, just as you can imagine, the hapless victim of this hilarious prank was told there was a ‘leak’ in the bathroom. Aren’t homonyms the best?

Instagram/gessicapizzuto

49. It’s always nice to have a joyful celebration await you when you walk into a room. That being said, being greeted by the bang of these poppers could well be enough to make you paranoid about opening doors for a long time.

Instagram/cathann24

50. Sure, we all have that one grandparent who reminds us what it was like growing up during the Great Depression. But something tells us that this delightful recipe was not included in their diet.

Imgur/freebasecatnip

Sources: Ranker, Buzzfeed

Tags:

april-fools

diy

entertainment

funny

funny-jokes

hilarious

jokes

practical-jokes

pranks

from [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves via [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves August 27, 2019 at 06:35PM Copyright © August 27, 2019 at 06:35PM

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[Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves

[Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves – Icepop Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can't Believe We Didn't Think Of Them Ourselves Tuesday 27 August 2019 08:40 AM UTC-05 | Tags: april-fools diy entertainment funny funny-jokes hilarious jokes practical-jokes pranks 1. Some pranks achieve their goal quite simply, while others require a pretty incredible amount of dedication. Just imagine how hard it was to design this masterful car seat replica — and all the poor drive-thru window workers that it managed to terrify. Imgur/EirgB 2. Regardless of whether or not you’ve seen the Alien movie franchise and know that this is a much-dreaded facehugger, opening the door to your fridge half-asleep for a midnight snack and finding this sight greeting you is one giant NOPE. Reddit/surferchik 3. Excruciatingly irritating vehicle pranks deserve to be in a class of their own. This one is so simple yet so effective, it’s practically genius: with the mere use of cotton balls dipped in water on a freezing cold night, you’ve given your friend (or enemy?) hours of annoyance. Tumblr/crystaljasmin 4. Surprise! Just when you thought that public spaces such as your friendly local grocery store were safe from pranks, you encounter this vile trick snake patiently awaiting your shrieks in the produce section. Wonder if they’ll ever ‘lettuce’ back in again? Imgur/eH0bMTb 5. Few acts of injustice in the world are deserving of a life-term prison sentence. Yet this is an act so heinous, so egregious, so sickeningly twisted, that we’re bummed we didn’t come up with it on our own first. Twitter/@djksting 6. C’mon, first world! There are hungry people out there! Must you waste your cereal in the name of this faceplant-worthy little prank? The only thing worse than the waste of food here would be if some eco-conscious samaritan cleaned up the scene as any ravenous breakfast-easter would. Ewbnb! Instagram/roxyawesomeface 7. Looks like after years of getting harassed and barked at by the family dog, the mailman got just plain fed up and decided to deliver a little something besides mail. Signed, sealed, delivered! Tumblr/blaaargh 8. There are several things that are safe to assume here. Firstly, that this bird foot is (hopefully) not real, and secondly, whoever accidentally ends up finding it is highly likely to jump out of their skins. Instagram/huntgathercook 9. Come on, dude, it’s time to rally. Doesn’t it just drive you crazy when that one friend can’t keep up with the beer pong and passes out in the middle of a game? Punishment pranks are fun alright, but this balancing act is sheer art. Reddit/ighostship 10. It’s the small things in life that can often be irritating beyond description. For this most sinister of epic pranks, paint a bar of soap with clear nail polish. Then watch as the victim struggles wondering how the should-be-suds could end up being defective. Reddit/thebobstu 11. You’ve heard of air horns before, sure, but what about chairhorns? Neither has your unfortunate unsuspecting office mate probably, but chances are, it’s an experience they’ll never forget, and nor will all those poor souls in the vicinity who will lose temporary use of their eardrums. Reddit/pivottofakie 12. Whoever thinks up elaborate and time-consumingly epic pranks like this deserves a word of praise. It’s a mischievous trick that’s both incredibly detailed and color-coordinated. It may take a long and frustrating amount of time to undo, but, frankly, looks so darn pretty! Imgur/ICanDrawFish 13. What makes spiders so appealing as the key ingredient in so many pranks? Perhaps it’s because they’re so small yet so many humans share a deep-seated fear of them. Whatever’s the case, there’s bound to be someone out there who would take this warning seriously. Twitter/@SCHS_architect 14. Who could be so diabolical as to desecrate the most holy act of enjoying an Oreo cookie? This epic prank takes no prisoners. How weird would it be if the person eating it thought it was simply a tasty, mint-flavored version of everyone’s favorite cookie sandwich? Instagram/joelynnbonnotdds 15. Hot diggity dog! Just looking at this bizarre set-up is like one of those moments in The Matrix where all time and space freezes — except with frankfurters. Let’s just hope whoever lives in this room isn’t vegan. Reddit/twilliams9 16. Fancy a swing, anyone? This time-encompassing prank required some careful preparation, but the final product is absolutely flawless. What’s more, making this bedroom into an impromptu croquet field made barely any mess at all. That grass is perfectly trimmed. Reddit/udomolm 17. Is your coworker going on a long vacation, leaving their desk woefully unattended? Then here’s the chance for an epic prank that’s not only brilliant, but eco-friendly! By sewing seeds between their keyboard keys, you’ve created a problem that they’ll feel bad about having to destroy. Flickr/wetwebwork 18. They found love in a hungry place. Sure, food can be our friend when we’re in need of a bit of self-pampering. But opening the fridge to discover a whole new posse of seemingly sentient beings is euqal parts adorable and terrifying. Reddit/biggletits 19. Having trouble getting your kids to eat their veggies, while simultaneously seeking to give them a lifetime of trust issues? Then this epic prank is absolutely perfect for you! Mmm, Brussels pops… yum? Reddit/Uberalles123456789 20. For this high school’s senior class prank, they managed to pull off one of those pranks that’s so simple to achieve and so precise that it looks like a work of art. Just observe this obstacle course of styrofoam water cups, and bask in its glory. Reddit/evanallmighty7 21. We all know the existential battle of mankind vs. cling wrap, and how difficult it can be just to get a single piece to cover that half-eaten vegetable in the fridge. So imagine the sheer anguish at discovering your ride had fallen prey to this most ugh-worthy of pranks. Instagram/chefbellatoland 22. This is the Jackson Pollock of bedroom pranks. It’s raw, it’s unhinged, it’s random, and it’s ferocious, lacking any rhyme or reason. With just a few strips of strong tape, you can properly and thoroughly ruin your roommate’s day. Game on! Reddit/thelittlepie 23. Who knew painting tiles was so easy? These coworkers really thought outside of the box, or rather, cubicle. Even after going through all the trouble to redesign this work space as a bathroom, they get extra points for that curtain: it’s all about the reveal! Flickr/mikegallo 24. Ah, the old rubber band around the phone prank. So cost-effective, so primitive, and yet so aggravating. Let’s just hope whoever’s office phone this is doesn’t have any important conference calls to make that day — or a sharp pair of scissors on hand. Flickr/furryscaly 25. This epic prank is so clever because of its absolute absurdity. Just imagine being the victim of this practical joke and having your voicemail inundated with a bunch of random people leaving you a message yelling “NGRARRRRWWRRRRR” and then hanging up. Reddit/wwryan 26. As far as epically gross pranks go, this one is downright foul. Who even knew there was such a thing as shrimp-scented spray in the first place? Regardless, this is one of the nastiest games of dress-up we’ve ever witnessed. Imgur/PuntCuncher 27. The use of Jigsaw from the gruesome Saw horror film series here was very calculated and precise, because whoever gets stranded without any toilet paper and is forced to use this duct tape could find themselves in a world of horror. Imgur/NobuNagaa 28. When the owner of this bedroom asked his friends for some help redesigning the place, it’s safe to say this probably wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. At bare minimum, if there’s ever a power outage, he’ll have plenty of reading material. Twitter/@JessNagy 29. Hell hath no fury like an aggressive shopper. Thankfully, whoever was the victim of this shopping cart trap, could easily extricate themselves — albeit risking the potential to ruin their pain job. Otherwise, it’s time to call in a forklift. Imgur/potatoetatie 30. As the story behind this unusual prank goes, this makeshift shrine was set up by the recipient’s roommate, after hearing his friend would be bringing his date home that night. Needless to say, whoever the lucky gal was, upon seeing this, would likely run for the hills. Twitter/@deno_tron 31. Think you know office pranks? You know nothing. With a bit of imagination, a pile of spare keyboards can be used to properly replicate the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones. The prankster even added that delicate final touch of suspended dragons flying above the coveted chair. Reddit/navri 32. Remember all those excellent cutting and gluing skills you learned in elementary school? It was all to prepare you for this moment. When your prank target turns on the lampshade, there’s a fair chance the results will be heard in the next county over. Instagram/jameson129 33. Whoever ensnared this office desk in spiderwebs obviously decided their Halloween ought to be filled with far more trick than treat. At least those are fake cobwebs, otherwise we’d have some serious concerns to be brought to HR’s attention. Flickr/Joe Goldberg 34. Question: how do you show your office companion just how much you care about them on the anniversary of their arrival in the world? Answer: by coating everything, literally everything they own in their work space, in aluminum foil — and no, those aren’t presents. Instagram/123internet 35. When you want to fool your friends into thinking you’re generous when in reality it’s just a convenient cover-up for your cruel, cruel heart, few pranks could be quite so satisfying as making caramel onions — and even mixing them with apples to make a game of Russian roulette. Reddit/Aresome_Username 36. Okay, so to properly execute this most random of pranks will require some bonus materials that you may not necessarily have just lying around the house. This is probably not what one would think when they hear “there’s a chick in the bathroom.” Reddit/jbreezy13 37. So you and your roommates had a house party, complete with the prerequisite sketchy red plastic cups, but you overshot the amount of guests and are left with all these spare ones. What to do, what to do… Reddit/the_tapatio_man 38. It’s probably safe to say you weren’t expecting your trip to the lavatory to be quite this festive. But then again, the finest of pranks strike when you least expect them. Let’s hope this person didn’t get winded: that’s a lot of balloons to blow up! Twitter/@love_bughh 39. This prank is the ultimate rebellion against fast food. Finding vegetables when you were expecting those crispy hot little McNuggets would be enough of a bummer, but just be glad whoever tricked you didn’t think of putting something else in there…like, for example, a spider… Imgur/LamStock 40. Having dreams of shadowy figures is a primal fear for many people. So naturally, rounding the corner when you’ve just woken up from a deep sleep and need a glass of water, this is the last thing you’d want to see. Reddit/sg804 41. This flag cake prank works for an epic trolling of international proportions. Whether it’s a Canadian friend dishing it out to Americans on the Fourth of July, or an American friend giving a subtle dig on Canada Day, it’s bound to get some well-deserved groans. Imgur/DrewMalesky 42. Look closely and you’ll realize why this is subtly one of the most mischievous pranks out there. Hidden inside those ice cubes are Mentos. And if you have had any Internet access for the past decade, you very well know what happens when these minty candies make contact with soda. Reddit/GLman16 43. This one is sure to leave the subject of this crusty prank scratching their head wondering what the prankster’s thought process was. It’s as though they had limited resources, but were determined to pull a joke on their friend. Instagram/jenniwrenn5 44. Can’t you taste the disappointment? It’s bad enough discovering someone’s eaten your ice cream but left the carton in the freezer. But cleaning the empty container out, filling it with water, and letting that water freeze to give the illusion of weight is just so mean. Reddit/crazyphoenix 45. Old vegetables starting to go bad? No problem, there’s a pop-culture specific prank just waiting to be pulled off. Of course, this friendly little surprise requires the subject to have at least a passing knowledge of Rick and Morty, but hey! It’s funny no matter what. Instagram/lunaslipstream 46. Office supplies wars can get absolutely brutal. This perpetrator was apparently not planning on backing down any time soon, and found a simple and perfectly effective way to get his or her point across. Forensics experts may soon be needed at the scene. Instagram/screamjar 47. This prank could go several different ways. For the desk owner, more likely than not, they realize they’d been pranked. But for another office worker, especially one who hadn’t yet had their morning coffee, seeing this scene might just send them into a tizzy. Instagram/vary.mu 48. We all know someone like this: those excruciatingly annoying practical jokesters who just have to take our word literally. Yes, just as you can imagine, the hapless victim of this hilarious prank was told there was a ‘leak’ in the bathroom. Aren’t homonyms the best? Instagram/gessicapizzuto 49. It’s always nice to have a joyful celebration await you when you walk into a room. That being said, being greeted by the bang of these poppers could well be enough to make you paranoid about opening doors for a long time. Instagram/cathann24 50. Sure, we all have that one grandparent who reminds us what it was like growing up during the Great Depression. But something tells us that this delightful recipe was not included in their diet. Imgur/freebasecatnip Sources: Ranker, Buzzfeed Tags: april-fools diy entertainment funny funny-jokes hilarious jokes practical-jokes pranks from [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves via [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves August 27, 2019 at 05:35PM Copyright © August 27, 2019 at 05:35PM from Abogados Medellin llama 320 542 9469 Colombia https://boston-massachusetts-02108.blogspot.com/2019/08/latest-news-icepop-epic-pranks-that-are.html via [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves

#[Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them O

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[Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves

– Icepop

Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can't Believe We Didn't Think Of Them Ourselves

Tuesday 27 August 2019 08:40 AM UTC-05 | Tags: april-fools diy entertainment funny funny-jokes hilarious jokes practical-jokes pranks

1. Some pranks achieve their goal quite simply, while others require a pretty incredible amount of dedication. Just imagine how hard it was to design this masterful car seat replica — and all the poor drive-thru window workers that it managed to terrify.

Imgur/EirgB

2. Regardless of whether or not you’ve seen the Alien movie franchise and know that this is a much-dreaded facehugger, opening the door to your fridge half-asleep for a midnight snack and finding this sight greeting you is one giant NOPE.

Reddit/surferchik

3. Excruciatingly irritating vehicle pranks deserve to be in a class of their own. This one is so simple yet so effective, it’s practically genius: with the mere use of cotton balls dipped in water on a freezing cold night, you’ve given your friend (or enemy?) hours of annoyance.

Tumblr/crystaljasmin

4. Surprise! Just when you thought that public spaces such as your friendly local grocery store were safe from pranks, you encounter this vile trick snake patiently awaiting your shrieks in the produce section. Wonder if they’ll ever ‘lettuce’ back in again?

Imgur/eH0bMTb

5. Few acts of injustice in the world are deserving of a life-term prison sentence. Yet this is an act so heinous, so egregious, so sickeningly twisted, that we’re bummed we didn’t come up with it on our own first.

Twitter/@djksting

6. C’mon, first world! There are hungry people out there! Must you waste your cereal in the name of this faceplant-worthy little prank? The only thing worse than the waste of food here would be if some eco-conscious samaritan cleaned up the scene as any ravenous breakfast-easter would. Ewbnb!

Instagram/roxyawesomeface

7. Looks like after years of getting harassed and barked at by the family dog, the mailman got just plain fed up and decided to deliver a little something besides mail. Signed, sealed, delivered!

Tumblr/blaaargh

8. There are several things that are safe to assume here. Firstly, that this bird foot is (hopefully) not real, and secondly, whoever accidentally ends up finding it is highly likely to jump out of their skins.

Instagram/huntgathercook

9. Come on, dude, it’s time to rally. Doesn’t it just drive you crazy when that one friend can’t keep up with the beer pong and passes out in the middle of a game? Punishment pranks are fun alright, but this balancing act is sheer art.

Reddit/ighostship

10. It’s the small things in life that can often be irritating beyond description. For this most sinister of epic pranks, paint a bar of soap with clear nail polish. Then watch as the victim struggles wondering how the should-be-suds could end up being defective.

Reddit/thebobstu

11. You’ve heard of air horns before, sure, but what about chairhorns? Neither has your unfortunate unsuspecting office mate probably, but chances are, it’s an experience they’ll never forget, and nor will all those poor souls in the vicinity who will lose temporary use of their eardrums.

Reddit/pivottofakie

12. Whoever thinks up elaborate and time-consumingly epic pranks like this deserves a word of praise. It’s a mischievous trick that’s both incredibly detailed and color-coordinated. It may take a long and frustrating amount of time to undo, but, frankly, looks so darn pretty!

Imgur/ICanDrawFish

13. What makes spiders so appealing as the key ingredient in so many pranks? Perhaps it’s because they’re so small yet so many humans share a deep-seated fear of them. Whatever’s the case, there’s bound to be someone out there who would take this warning seriously.

Twitter/@SCHS_architect

14. Who could be so diabolical as to desecrate the most holy act of enjoying an Oreo cookie? This epic prank takes no prisoners. How weird would it be if the person eating it thought it was simply a tasty, mint-flavored version of everyone’s favorite cookie sandwich?

Instagram/joelynnbonnotdds

15. Hot diggity dog! Just looking at this bizarre set-up is like one of those moments in The Matrix where all time and space freezes — except with frankfurters. Let’s just hope whoever lives in this room isn’t vegan.

Reddit/twilliams9

16. Fancy a swing, anyone? This time-encompassing prank required some careful preparation, but the final product is absolutely flawless. What’s more, making this bedroom into an impromptu croquet field made barely any mess at all. That grass is perfectly trimmed.

Reddit/udomolm

17. Is your coworker going on a long vacation, leaving their desk woefully unattended? Then here’s the chance for an epic prank that’s not only brilliant, but eco-friendly! By sewing seeds between their keyboard keys, you’ve created a problem that they’ll feel bad about having to destroy.

Flickr/wetwebwork

18. They found love in a hungry place. Sure, food can be our friend when we’re in need of a bit of self-pampering. But opening the fridge to discover a whole new posse of seemingly sentient beings is euqal parts adorable and terrifying.

Reddit/biggletits

19. Having trouble getting your kids to eat their veggies, while simultaneously seeking to give them a lifetime of trust issues? Then this epic prank is absolutely perfect for you! Mmm, Brussels pops… yum?

Reddit/Uberalles123456789

20. For this high school’s senior class prank, they managed to pull off one of those pranks that’s so simple to achieve and so precise that it looks like a work of art. Just observe this obstacle course of styrofoam water cups, and bask in its glory.

Reddit/evanallmighty7

21. We all know the existential battle of mankind vs. cling wrap, and how difficult it can be just to get a single piece to cover that half-eaten vegetable in the fridge. So imagine the sheer anguish at discovering your ride had fallen prey to this most ugh-worthy of pranks.

Instagram/chefbellatoland

22. This is the Jackson Pollock of bedroom pranks. It’s raw, it’s unhinged, it’s random, and it’s ferocious, lacking any rhyme or reason. With just a few strips of strong tape, you can properly and thoroughly ruin your roommate’s day. Game on!

Reddit/thelittlepie

23. Who knew painting tiles was so easy? These coworkers really thought outside of the box, or rather, cubicle. Even after going through all the trouble to redesign this work space as a bathroom, they get extra points for that curtain: it’s all about the reveal!

Flickr/mikegallo

24. Ah, the old rubber band around the phone prank. So cost-effective, so primitive, and yet so aggravating. Let’s just hope whoever’s office phone this is doesn’t have any important conference calls to make that day — or a sharp pair of scissors on hand.

Flickr/furryscaly

25. This epic prank is so clever because of its absolute absurdity. Just imagine being the victim of this practical joke and having your voicemail inundated with a bunch of random people leaving you a message yelling “NGRARRRRWWRRRRR” and then hanging up.

Reddit/wwryan

26. As far as epically gross pranks go, this one is downright foul. Who even knew there was such a thing as shrimp-scented spray in the first place? Regardless, this is one of the nastiest games of dress-up we’ve ever witnessed.

Imgur/PuntCuncher

27. The use of Jigsaw from the gruesome Saw horror film series here was very calculated and precise, because whoever gets stranded without any toilet paper and is forced to use this duct tape could find themselves in a world of horror.

Imgur/NobuNagaa

28. When the owner of this bedroom asked his friends for some help redesigning the place, it’s safe to say this probably wasn’t exactly what he had in mind. At bare minimum, if there’s ever a power outage, he’ll have plenty of reading material.

Twitter/@JessNagy

29. Hell hath no fury like an aggressive shopper. Thankfully, whoever was the victim of this shopping cart trap, could easily extricate themselves — albeit risking the potential to ruin their pain job. Otherwise, it’s time to call in a forklift.

Imgur/potatoetatie

30. As the story behind this unusual prank goes, this makeshift shrine was set up by the recipient’s roommate, after hearing his friend would be bringing his date home that night. Needless to say, whoever the lucky gal was, upon seeing this, would likely run for the hills.

Twitter/@deno_tron

31. Think you know office pranks? You know nothing. With a bit of imagination, a pile of spare keyboards can be used to properly replicate the Iron Throne from Game of Thrones. The prankster even added that delicate final touch of suspended dragons flying above the coveted chair.

Reddit/navri

32. Remember all those excellent cutting and gluing skills you learned in elementary school? It was all to prepare you for this moment. When your prank target turns on the lampshade, there’s a fair chance the results will be heard in the next county over.

Instagram/jameson129

33. Whoever ensnared this office desk in spiderwebs obviously decided their Halloween ought to be filled with far more trick than treat. At least those are fake cobwebs, otherwise we’d have some serious concerns to be brought to HR’s attention.

Flickr/Joe Goldberg

34. Question: how do you show your office companion just how much you care about them on the anniversary of their arrival in the world? Answer: by coating everything, literally everything they own in their work space, in aluminum foil — and no, those aren’t presents.

Instagram/123internet

35. When you want to fool your friends into thinking you’re generous when in reality it’s just a convenient cover-up for your cruel, cruel heart, few pranks could be quite so satisfying as making caramel onions — and even mixing them with apples to make a game of Russian roulette.

Reddit/Aresome_Username

36. Okay, so to properly execute this most random of pranks will require some bonus materials that you may not necessarily have just lying around the house. This is probably not what one would think when they hear “there’s a chick in the bathroom.”

Reddit/jbreezy13

37. So you and your roommates had a house party, complete with the prerequisite sketchy red plastic cups, but you overshot the amount of guests and are left with all these spare ones. What to do, what to do…

Reddit/the_tapatio_man

38. It’s probably safe to say you weren’t expecting your trip to the lavatory to be quite this festive. But then again, the finest of pranks strike when you least expect them. Let’s hope this person didn’t get winded: that’s a lot of balloons to blow up!

Twitter/@love_bughh

39. This prank is the ultimate rebellion against fast food. Finding vegetables when you were expecting those crispy hot little McNuggets would be enough of a bummer, but just be glad whoever tricked you didn’t think of putting something else in there…like, for example, a spider…

Imgur/LamStock

40. Having dreams of shadowy figures is a primal fear for many people. So naturally, rounding the corner when you’ve just woken up from a deep sleep and need a glass of water, this is the last thing you’d want to see.

Reddit/sg804

41. This flag cake prank works for an epic trolling of international proportions. Whether it’s a Canadian friend dishing it out to Americans on the Fourth of July, or an American friend giving a subtle dig on Canada Day, it’s bound to get some well-deserved groans.

Imgur/DrewMalesky

42. Look closely and you’ll realize why this is subtly one of the most mischievous pranks out there. Hidden inside those ice cubes are Mentos. And if you have had any Internet access for the past decade, you very well know what happens when these minty candies make contact with soda.

Reddit/GLman16

43. This one is sure to leave the subject of this crusty prank scratching their head wondering what the prankster’s thought process was. It’s as though they had limited resources, but were determined to pull a joke on their friend.

Instagram/jenniwrenn5

44. Can’t you taste the disappointment? It’s bad enough discovering someone’s eaten your ice cream but left the carton in the freezer. But cleaning the empty container out, filling it with water, and letting that water freeze to give the illusion of weight is just so mean.

Reddit/crazyphoenix

45. Old vegetables starting to go bad? No problem, there’s a pop-culture specific prank just waiting to be pulled off. Of course, this friendly little surprise requires the subject to have at least a passing knowledge of Rick and Morty, but hey! It’s funny no matter what.

Instagram/lunaslipstream

46. Office supplies wars can get absolutely brutal. This perpetrator was apparently not planning on backing down any time soon, and found a simple and perfectly effective way to get his or her point across. Forensics experts may soon be needed at the scene.

Instagram/screamjar

47. This prank could go several different ways. For the desk owner, more likely than not, they realize they’d been pranked. But for another office worker, especially one who hadn’t yet had their morning coffee, seeing this scene might just send them into a tizzy.

Instagram/vary.mu

48. We all know someone like this: those excruciatingly annoying practical jokesters who just have to take our word literally. Yes, just as you can imagine, the hapless victim of this hilarious prank was told there was a ‘leak�� in the bathroom. Aren’t homonyms the best?

Instagram/gessicapizzuto

49. It’s always nice to have a joyful celebration await you when you walk into a room. That being said, being greeted by the bang of these poppers could well be enough to make you paranoid about opening doors for a long time.

Instagram/cathann24

50. Sure, we all have that one grandparent who reminds us what it was like growing up during the Great Depression. But something tells us that this delightful recipe was not included in their diet.

Imgur/freebasecatnip

Sources: Ranker, Buzzfeed

Tags:

april-fools

diy

entertainment

funny

funny-jokes

hilarious

jokes

practical-jokes

pranks

from [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves via [Latest News] – Icepop: Epic Pranks That Are So Brilliant We Can’t Believe We Didn’t Think Of Them Ourselves August 27, 2019 at 06:35PM Copyright © August 27, 2019 at 06:35PM

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