#abuse & trauma =/= justification for violence | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

punkascas · 3 months

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okay, so i don't want to, like, Start Something or whatever so we're doing a barely-tagged, separate post. i also realise this is mostly pointless because others have already said what i'm going to say, and did it better, with far more grace, and sound less like an asshole than i do.

but jesus louise helen christ, the weird fucked up ideas people have around abuse and personal responsibility and the effect of trauma. like as an abuse and csa survivor, it genuinely alarms me to read posts that use arguments i remember my dad making. like, i'm assuming most of this rhetoric comes from gen z — maybe that's inaccurate; maybe that's unfair. but right now i'm very much Having A Moment Here that the kids aren't alright.

no 22-year-old should be repeating the same awful, manipulative, logically and morally bankrupt justifications for violence and torture my dad says. like literally what's in the first two episodes of ofmd s2 is torture.

i love ed; he's an amazing character. taika is hella wowza top marks acting him. but like.

like.

torture, my dude. physical and psychological. trauma. harassment. that we see the lasting effects of through s2.

just. i. what??

so here we go, okay. have too many, zealously highlighted screenshots so i can dig into details.

cut to save your dashes. content warning for discussions of abuse and trauma (if that wasn't obvious), as well as spoilers for ofmd s2.

re: ed knew what he was doing was wrong and felt guilty about it at the time:

we have no on-screen, textual examples of this. not in the dialogue; not in the acting; not in the blocking; not in the cinematography or music. nothing.

knowing the crew are overworked and kind of traumatised by all the violence, ed bribes them with cake. because, as we know, cake like tea fixes everything. only ed wasn't even with them to share in the eating of the cake. he made izzy responsible for that. he doesn't give the crew a break; he doesn't choose less ethically-fraught prizes to hunt. there is not one scene of ed talking directly to the crew — until he points a gun at each of them.

we see ed crying (and drinking, and rhino horn-ing [way to help further extinction, man]) but it's always paired with shots or flashbacks that reference stede. ed is still all up in his feelings about stede, and ed confirms this when he tells frenchie the myth about albatrosses never needing to return to land. ed cannot go back, does not want to go back, because he was rejected. (like, stede is literally landed gentry, come on!) all he wants to do instead is stay at sea committing to this unhinged version of unstable, sadistic piracy.

but okay, okay. say we ignore all of that. let's say ed does feel sorry and guilty and ashamed of his actions. he knows what he's doing is wrong and unfair and cruel. that it's harming others. that it's particularly harming the dude that ed has, for better or worse, basically spent his life with (izzy; i mean izzy). ed… still continues to do the things! how far off are we at this point from the definition of malicious? you know action x hurts person b and then you do it anyway. is that honestly a better, happier, more ethically defensible reading of the character?

re: the crew didn't mutiny because they love ed despite his violent, sadistic actions.

mutinies were a thing, yes. but both historically and in the world rules established by the show, mutiny is disincentivised through threats, distraction via extra work, and corporeal punishment. we see both ed and izzy use all three of these to try to prevent the crew from disobeying orders. they didn't wait until the storm and izzy shooting ed to mutiny because they understood or sympathised with ed; they took the chance to kill him then because that was the first real opportunity they'd had. the reward finally out-weighed the risk given that ed was going to kill them all that night anyway.

again, we have no scenes, no dialogue, no visual or audio cues to tell us that the crew understands or loves ed — excluding izzy, obviously. fang could also be on that list, if you take into account his personality and his behaviour both in s1 and later in s2 in the fishing boat scene. but in the first two episodes, we only see the crew show trauma responses around ed. they talk about him but almost never to him. and when they do have a direct conversation with ed, it is either confrontation or head down, submissive, "of course, blackbeard; anything you say" placating. i'm so baffled where the show points to any sign of love from the crew towards ed before his "death".

re: ed can't be held responsible because he was suicidal.

uhm. no. hard no. a harder no than stede's brazilian cherry wood mast. fucked up people do fucked up things but part of being an adult is owning your fucked-upped-ness and not fucking up others while you work on unfucking yourself. children, children are not fully responsible for the impact of their actions on others when they're deep in their feelings, especially if they're feeling their feelings as a trauma response. this is because literally their brain cannot do that kind of control. it doesn't have that software pack installed yet. ed does have all the adult updates installed, even if he isn't running them at that moment. he has no right to take out his feelings on other people: to maim them, to psychologically torture them, to abuse them, to work them to exhaustion. to kill them. he does not get a free pass to do suicide by abused employees. (like suicide by cop but more indirect and passive and harmful.) talk about passive aggressive.

secondly, ed is not just passively suicidal and happy to find new risks that might end his life. he is very purposefully taking izzy with him (see: literally removing the bits of izzy that would help let him walk away from ed; the fact that ed becomes actively suicidal only once he thinks izzy is dead; the whole keeping izzy's corpse in front of his and stede's beach shack i mean inn — the codependence, she runs deep). ed is also putting the crew through the same risks, the same isolation, the same danger. both stede and izzy agreed that ed had gone full scorched earth policy. you don't get forgiven for the murder part of a murder-suicide pact just because of the suicide part. not to mention that no one (once again, you could potentially argue izzy as an exception) was good on a murder-suicide pact with blackbeard.

and then to say the crew felt guilty? i assume i'm misreading that. the crew. felt guilty. for ed's actions. that is, if not victim blaming and if not darvo, a very close inbred cousin of them. like hapsburg jaw inbred close.

re: ed healing and his view of himself as a monster.

to heal means, in part, to accept responsibility for the harm you've caused, whether it was intentional or not. it means making amends. it means building or rebuilding relationships where possible. it means putting the other person or persons' feelings and boundaries and need for safety above your desire for absolution or forgiveness. it means working through your own guilt and shame and anger (or whatever drove you to act the way you did) in a separate space, not with the people you hurt, but someone who can be a step removed, more impersonal and objective to help you reflect and face hard truths as needed. i say this as both someone involved in activism and community reparations and as an abuse survivor who has done nearly 30 years of therapy learning this in order to not hurt people. it's not ed's fault he's fucked up just like it isn't my fault i am. but it is on me, like it is on anyone, to make sure i limited as much as possible the harm i can cause to others because i learned some awful but very effective tricks at a young age to survive.

ed does not really do any of the above. he doesn't say "sorry". he speaks in generalised language. he complains about the cat bell (which he seems to wear only for one day, given the implied timeline with lucius and pete's engagement). i have a model ship on a stand that says "this is a safe space ship" as a joke because i work for the government and have written press releases that sound just like ed's "apology". where you take no responsibility and encourage "the culture" to move on.

so, really, my question becomes: ed sees himself as a monster. in s1, we had enough balance between ed's current actions and his referenced past actions to see this belief as likely untrue. in s2 though — i mean, is it? is that an unfair or inaccurate belief? i can understand how carrying that belief can get in the way of ed's growth and eventual healing but like. from an outside perspective of ed-the-fictional-character. he's not a "good" person. he's capable of and has done and continued to do horrible, cruel things. ethically, can you argue with that statement about him?

re: ed trying to destroy relationships because of his self-worth issues and instead the consequences of his actions proving that he's loved.

this is the point that made me go: right, no, i need to respond. i need to say my piece about this. izzy and the crew suffering ed's violent tyranny and then sticking around on the revenge anyway afterwards is not a sign of love. it is not showing love to bear pain for someone. it not showing love to let someone mistreat you, threaten you, hurt you, maim you. their actions are selfish and done to give them feelings of power and control over you. lying back and thinking of england to get through it is not love. it is absolutely a survival technique. but it is not love when you do it at the expense of yourself or others.

i also disagree that ed was trying to push people away or break his relationships with others. we know from s1 that ed is fairly blasé about whether crew members die. again, we don't see any friendly or intimate exchanges between ed and any of the crew to imply any kind of relationship there beyond "tools who accomplish ed's goals". the one exception, as always, is izzy. and as previously stated, ed seems bound and determined, in a very conscious way, to bring izzy into death with him. ed does everything in his power to make izzy want to kill ed, or at least agree that it's best if ed dies, and to want to kill himself so ed doesn't have to die alone. that isn't ed breaking that relationship; it's making it permanent in a really fucked up shakespearian way. the only relationship we see ed waffle between wanting to keep and wanting to push away is stede. after his corporate "apology" and the fishing trip with fang, all of ed's dialogue is with stede and a little bit with zheng until izzy's death scene. the crew loving ed just isn't a thing, at least not one we're shown. not from either side. ed's relationships are with stede and kind of, sort of with izzy (because he does manage to, if not fully break, do some major damage to that).

love did not save ed. ed wanting to live, because stede came back, because he didn't want to jump off hornigold's cliff in the first place, saved ed. izzy saved everyone else.

so yeah: that's it; that's the post. the rhetoric that abuse is love or that abuse can be "cured" with love or that trauma isn't lasting and serious and has impacts on people's daily lives is just. wild. wild.

and terrifying.

my dad was born in the 40s. why is anyone born in the 80s or later still defending this mindset? it honestly, truly freaks me out.

guess it's good i have a fucking therapy appointment on monday.

#ofmd critical #ptsd problems

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angellic-critique · 5 months

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Hey, I want to ask something: why Is using a drag queen's persona to create a female character a bad thing?/genq

The implication of cissification/forced gender norms is what I take issue with.

You're okay anon. I am going to clarify that this is a queer person critiquing upon a poorly mishandled drag persona of an animated Italian mobster spider that is named after cocaine. I am aware of the extremities here but I cannot stress enough how harmful viv's surface level writing for only her character designs is genuinely harmful and hurtful to me, as a queer person.

I see the themes she attempted to write but having angel dust only centered purely around sex, sexual advantages from the porn industry [without substance[, the pimp abuse and nearly racist depictions of Italians [Gold tooth mobster who only likes guns, violence, sex, drugs, money, alcohol etc,]-

I could go on and on and on as to why Angel Dust despite seeming to come from some level of apathy to drag kings/queens is nothing but surface level tripe. I do not care if the show releases and all it is focused upon is Valentino's abuse and misdeeds towards angel, IS THERE ANYTHING TO THIS CHARACTER BESIDES BEING ABUSED.

there is a difference of wanting to design a drag persona and having the gender be ambiguous but it is an entirely different level of tripe bullshittery to have a character that is allegedly surrounded around drag performing and openly being himself, is supposedly forced under a guise of abuse to undergo the said drag performing...????

Having a AMAB crossdressing to be a drag persona but then take that empowerment away from him, as if he was never allowed to be feminine in the first place. Angel Dust screams tryhard sexy appeal. I do not understand his, alastor, or Stolas for that matters' 'sex' appeal if they are not written well nor with any care for that regard about the communities they are representing.

Viv just wants to write the themes of addiction, gay trauma and industry abuse? That's perfectly fine as long as there is nuance and reasoning and justification for those characters turning to those types of aliments for aid. What do I meaaan????

Alastor has no asexual/aromantic representation, if anything the fandom has proven that it is APHOBIC !!!

Stolas takes pills and it never going to be brought up until Octavia finds out and then SHE is casted to be the villain over calling out the fact that her dad is a POS that only cares about Blitzo! GENUINELY WHAT?

Blitz is an alcoholic stalker SEXUAL HARRASSER that has NO REPRECUSSIONS WHATSOVER FOR SAID DRINKING, IF ANYTHING THE SERIES PRAISES HIM TO BE ONE!!!!

Husk is also a surface level alcoholic that doesn't get called into question! I'm sorry I'm not talking about the main point you asked anon but genuinely please look at the larger scope over why viv just depicts abuse and substance use as 'haha comically funny' while attempting to 'humanize' her Demons. It seems that the show is just pro-abuse and of they genuinely actually have Valentino try to be threatening or a well written pimp ill laugh and delete my blogs honestly since I have no hope from script leaks revolving around him comparing guns to cocks. Viv really loves writing about industry abuse with no nuance here.

I did not bring up Molly whatsoever because unlike Viv I actually love the drag performer community and empowering culture they represent. It's the same reason I believe that Brandon Rodgers is anti-drag despite constantly crossdressing/displaying it within his videos. It's harmful because his drag didn't NEED to be a separate person angel dust should BE the DRAG PERFORMING NAME.

HELLUVA BOSS HAS PROVEN THAT ALL VIV CARES ABOUT IS EXCUSING AND MARKETTING ABUSERS RATHER THEN CALLING INTO QUESTION WHY ABUSE IS HAPPENING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

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archivalofsins · 8 months

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The Re-traumatization of Amane Momose

Today, I'll be discussing Amane Momose's case with @apatchworkstar. (Hi, it's Star! I hope you enjoy this post; or at the very least, find it informative!)

Specifically we'll be discussing the ties it has to trauma and retraumatization. This is a two-part post that covers the entirety of Amane's case. Part two will be added when it is completed.

Over the course of these posts, I set out to prove that Amane Momose’s previous verdict has caused long-term mental distress, anguish, and mixed with the actions of other prisoners has served to retraumatize her. Then highlight how due to these upsetting events and environmental triggers Amane Momose has fallen back on the teachings of her mother for a sense of security, safety, and allusion of control.

Leading to the tangible regression we see throughout Purge March. Along the way we'll be highlighting how the audience's previous choices were responsible for eliciting this trauma response and the danger each prisoner within Milgram poses to others there including Amane Momose herself.

1. Re-traumatization

Firstly, let’s talk about retraumatization,

What is it?

“Retraumatization is reliving stress reactions experienced as a result of a traumatic event when faced with a new, similar incident. However, as the result of the passing of time many people do not realize the stress they are experiencing is related to an earlier trauma in their lives. A current experience is subconsciously associated with the original trauma, reawakening memories and reactions, which can be distressing. This type of reaction is common and survivors should realize there are steps that can be taken to manage or relieve symptoms.”

“Survivors typically cope with retraumatization by employing avoidant coping strategies originally developed during childhood to cope with the original abuse. The experience of retraumatization appears to lower survivors’ threshold for future retraumatization by confirming survivors’ view of healthcare as a threatening experience. Without intervention, retraumatization can result in unhealthy outcomes due to the negative effects of stress on survivors’ mental and physical health along with interruptions in healthcare caused by avoidant coping.” - “A number of reports suggest that mental health patients may experience exacerbation of post-traumatic symptoms due to encounters in the mental health system, such as violence by other clients or forcible restraint by male attendants (Center for Mental Health Services & Human Resource Association of the Northeast, 1995; Geanellos, 2003; Jennings & Ralph, 1997; Smith, 1995). A Massachusetts task force investigating the effect of restraints on abused populations reported that research indicates at least half of all women treated in psychiatric settings have a history of physical or sexual abuse. The task force found that the use of restraints on people who have been previously abused often results in the reactivation of trauma symptoms and can cause setbacks in treatment (Carmen et al., 1996). The task force developed a specific set of guidelines for assessing clients’ trauma history and recommended altering restraint and seclusion policies to reduce risk of retraumatization.”

X- (TW: For mentions of childhood SA. Because it's a study on the retraumatization process in survivors of that.)

(Star, here! A clear example of Amane employing one such avoidant coping mechanism is shown through this image.

The umbrella is represented as both her shield and her weapon. A perfect visualization of how Amane views her faith. Not only as a shield from persecutions or a justification of her behaviors as we see in her first voice drama,

"The standards that judge my sins are somewhere else – in my heart, my blood, my entire body, they are firmly rooted in all those places!" And within those standards, your murder was not a sin? "Exactly!" "I see." "Ah, I am looking forward to it! Seeing whether your judgement will align with that of these higher standards! If that is the case, maybe Milgram would be the right world for us to live in, rather than the outside world! Milgram relies on your judgement, isn’t that right? In that case, you could become the mediator for a far more righteous world!!" And if my judgement is not in your favor, what will you do? "I will refuse your judgement."

This shows that Amane falls back on the teachings of her cult to regain a sense of autonomy during stressful or traumatic situations. Possibly a coping mechanism she developed during her time under her family's care. It was a mentality that likely shielded her from some of the rougher emotional impact that kind of abuse can have on someone simultaneously giving her a sense of control and possibly hope that things may improve. It did not remain just a shield though.

Over time, this became an offensive weapon to fight back against injustice or the incorrectness in the world that was befalling her. Something displayed by the umbrella being represented as a scepter within her mental space.

All of this comes together to display how Amane uses her religious teachings as a coping mechanism to hold onto some form of autonomy and as something to use to fight against perceived threats.

This is not only displayed through these visuals but these lines from her song as well,

Magic

``Even I can say "I'm sorry". Even I have hope. I swear! I'm going to be a good girl now! That's it!" - "Not meaning to brag, but I’m pretty happy; I’ve made up my mind so they don’t make that face at me again. But it’s not scary at all, because it’s love! I can really think it’s great. See, isn’t it a great thing?"- "I won’t say “I’ve had enough”; Will you laugh with me and forgive me?"

Purge March

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen! It’s the beginning of a most wonderful day! However, there are blasphemers and silent bystanders, who would have it otherwise. We must not give into them; they are the ones that should be judged! With pure, unsullied body and soul, let us preach all that is true and right." - "I disavow you, eyes corrupted must be crushed."

Amane uses her faith how one actively chooses to use an umbrella as a shield against rain. Relying on it to help see her way through bad weather. Using it as support during difficult or distressing times.

Rain is something that can be thought of by some as "good" in small doses, but eventually you need to get out something to stop yourself from getting drenched and falling ill.

In Purge March, rain is heavily associated with the abuse that Amane faced growing up in her household. It is also consistently present within her mindscape; specifically, as confetti when she isn't being directly punished. This shows that Amane is aware of her abuse's omnipresence and is hypervigilant to what may trigger a flare up in punishment.

The fact that it is usually confetti alludes to her softening what it is until it gets so bad, she can't ignore it anymore. Something that we briefly see her attempt to do before the confetti turns colorful and her eyes change,

Before breaking into colorful confetti, we see Amane look up to the sky through her umbrella as it begins to rain. As though searching for a reason, a silver lining or any justification of what has just occurred. A way that she can think of this as a great thing before realizing she can't. Not just because it simply isn't a great thing, but because someone (more than likely her mother) has broken a promise to her somehow (more than likely by killing the cat because it's very common for abusive parents to go of if you just do one thing or take this punishment nothing else will happen I'll never bring it up again actually just to not do that.). Something illustrated through these lyrics in Purge March,

"I don’t need it any more, if you’re going to break your vow."

The color in the confetti illustrates the change from being the punished to the punisher. As they march forward from beneath that endless white.)

Things that may cause retraumatization and the signs of it.

Negative thoughts. Feeling on edge very anxious tense or easily startled. Intense feelings of guilt, anger, fear, anxiety, horror, sadness, shame, or despair.

22/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: Ahh...... I'm not wrong...... I wasn't doing anything wrong...... Shut up, why are you going on and on about something so minor...... It has nothing to do with you...... Aaahhh......

Amane: Oh, were you talking to yourself, Futa-san? Or maybe there’s something there you’re able to see?

Futa: ……! O-oh, it’s just you. It’s nothing. ……but well, on that note. Hey- Don’t you have anything happening too? Since being in here, just suddenly getting anxious. Feeling as though loads of people are all there condemning you, telling you- You were wrong.

Amane: ……I’m fine. I don’t know what you’ve done or what it is you’re worried about- But I think if there’s something you believe in, you should stay true to it. It’s not something that should waver just because other people said something. I personally don’t plan on changing my own beliefs even if I’m told I’m wrong either…… …today is your birthday, correct? I’ll pray for God to keep you under his care.

"It’s so hot, so hard to breath, there’s no solace for my heart."

"Or maybe there's something there you're able to see?"

Backdraft

"Don’t get cocky, you in that cypher." - "The fight’s up here! Come up to the ring and face me!"- "You and you, throwing around rules for fun, hoisting up morality and feeling good. Should I succumb, make your wish come true? Full of yourselves, are you?"

Dissociation. Experiencing strong reactions to triggers. Social withdrawal and isolation. Avoidance of people, places, or situations related to the traumatic event.

22/10/24 (Shidou’s Birthday)

Amane: ……Kirisaki Shidou. How long do you plan on continuing this foolish behaviour?

Shidou: I wonder what you might be referring to there. I’m just doing what I need to do. If anything, I’d be happy if you would lend me a hand.

Amane: I warned you. I can no longer turn a blind eye to this wickedness taking place right in front of us. You’re bringing ruin unto yourself. Do you understand?

Shidou: No, I don’t understand. It’s my job as an adult to teach you that throwing a temper tantrum isn’t going to make everything go your way. If it’s a test of endurance you want, I’m happy to oblige, Amane.

"No, I don't understand."- "And furthermore- This may be outside of profession, but her mental health is deteriorating as well."

It is outside of his profession and that is perfectly illustrated by the fact that he only highlights Mahiru's deteriorating mental health and says nothing about the others.

23/01/17 (Mahiru’s Birthday)

Amane: Happy birthday. Mahiru-san. How is your body feeling?

Mahiru: ……ah, Amane-chan. Thank you. Yeah, I’m fine. Now I can move around if I use a wheelchair…… It’s all thanks to Shidou-san looking after me……

Amane: I’ll give you one warning. The two of you are dabbling in something tabooed. If you continue to go against the way of nature like this, you’ll just bring an early death upon yourself. Think hard about this.

Mahiru: Amane-chan……? Are you really Amane-chan……?

"You’ll just bring an early death upon yourself."

Q.10 Which of the other prisoners do you get along with?

Kazui: Shidou-kun, Mikoto and me all smoke together, so I think we get along well.

Amane: If I had to pick someone, then Yuno-san and Mahiru-san.

Amane's Second Voice Drama

Amane. Don’t think you’ll be able to lead the conversation with that total change in attitude. Is it the result of the judgment that you’ve ended up like this?

"“Like this”?"

The dazed look in your eyes. The atmosphere around you. The way you speak. In comparison to the first trial, it’s like you’re a different person.

"Hm."

Everyone who was unforgiven told me they heard voices judging their sins. They’re experiencing a lot of emotional stress as a result. Were your changes influenced by that as well?

"Hah? Those stupid voices, huh? Yeah. I have heard them as well. However, such things do not pose a major problem."

What?

"We have firm teachings. We have a clear and noble faith. No matter what kinds of things other people might say, these things cannot be shaken."

21/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Mikoto: ……ah, Futa? What’s up? Did you come to celebrate my birthday?

Futa: Hah!? Like I care about your birthday. ……what’s up with you, though, you’re usually a lot more excited. I thought you were the sort of idiot who’d make a big deal over your birthday.

Mikoto: Yeah, usually that’d be the case. ……I think I must be getting tired. It’s like I’m anxious over something but I can’t really explain what it is…… Like, the feeling that I’ve been totally wrong about something. Haha, but it’s not like talking to you about it is gonna do anything.

Futa: Yeah, yeah, just like you say. Talking to me about it isn’t gonna help. ……but, it’s not like I don’t get what you’re saying. Or rather, I understand exactly what you mean. And if it’s the same thing as I’ve been feeling, then it will just get stronger as time goes on…..probably.

22/10/06 (Mikoto’s Birthday)

Haruka: Mikoto-san. Um, are you ok……?

Mikoto: Ah, Haru-kun. It’s been a while since we last talked, huh. Yeah, I’m fine. Are you doing ok……?

Haruka: Ah, I’m fine. I’ve been enjoying myself, a lot. Um, I’m sorry, for avoiding you. I was a bit scared. Of you, honestly……

Mikoto: Ahhh, yeah. I’ve been lashing out whenever I go to sleep, right? ……it’s fine. Even I think you’re right to be scared. You know, I kinda just hate that I don’t even know what’s going on myself…… haha. Ah, but despite all that you still came and talked to me because it’s my birthday, right? Thank you, you’ve grown into a good man.

Q.07 Are there any prisoners you get along with?

Shidou: Kayano-kun has become like that, and I can’t spend my time smoking at the moment, so the smoking trio has disbanded, which is a bit lonely.

Mahiru: I talk to Shidou-san a lot now, since he’s looking at my injuries. Also, Yuno-chan.

"I should have saved you, but why are you crying? Rely on me, praise with your song, I am your savior."

Practice your spiritual beliefs or reach out to a Faith Leader for support,

"Hm. Is that so? Are the prisoners who weren’t forgiven feeling lost right now? Maybe they need our faith as well."

23/04/19 (Futa’s Birthday)

Futa: ……! Oi, is it just you. Don’t scare me like that. You shouldn’t just stand there saying nothing. Hah, what? Did you just come to laugh at me for being weak? Dumb brat.

Amane: No. I just came to observe. To see what people are thinking. To see who is being corrupted. What about you, Kajiyama Futa?

Futa: I understand even less of what you're saying than I did before. Brat, you're on the side who weren't forgiven too, right? ......So, why can you still stand? Don't- you can hear it too? The voices blaming us. ......I don't have the energy to do anything like this.

Amane: It goes without saying. Because there’s something far more important than the voices of people we can’t even see. People are able to get back up again. As long as there’s something to guide them. Kajiyama Futa, by coincidence today happens to be your birthday, correct? Don’t you think it’s a good opportunity to be reborn? If, right now, you could shake off those around you trying to drag you down to depravity, and could change––

23/06/27 (Amane’s Birthday)

Amane: What is it…… Kashiki Yuno. Don’t sit so close to me. Go away.

Yuno: Sorry for barging in when you’re getting into your worldview thing. But Mahiru-san’s finally managed to get to sleep. Humour me with some small talk while I take a break. By the way, Amane. Have you ever wished you were never born? I’ve thankfully lived a pretty fun life so far, so haven’t really. But you seem to be struggling with something. So I kinda wondered if you thought like that.

Amane: ……I don’t think that. Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear.

Yuno: Hmm. Ok. ……happy birthday, then. It’s good that you were brought into the world, I guess.

23/07/05 (Mu’s Birthday)

Futa: Oi, you. Is he ok? He’s not even left his room lately.

Mu: You mean Haruka-kun? Hmm. Yeah, probably. I’ve been bringing all his meals to him so he should be fine. Isn’t that great of me?

Futa: Hah? Who the hell says that sort of thing about themself. ……ah, no, well, right now I understand a bit. When you’re feeling down, it’s nice to have someone who relies on you and accepts you. The rest of us can’t really understand you from where we’re standing. But well, if you’re Haruka’s “salvation” then I guess it really is great.

Mu: Salvation……? I don’t know what you mean. Futa-kun, you don’t sound like yourself. Did you hit your head or something? Oh, wait, you actually did, didn’t you. Ahaha. Ah, putting that aside though, did you know it’s my birthday today?

"Then I guess it really is great."

Magic

"I can actually think of it as a good thing, see isn’t it a great thing?"- "I can really think it’s great. See isn’t it a great thing?"

Backdraft

"Is it all ok if I offer penance? No helping it, out of the question."

"Pressure, pressure! Falling head down- Pressure, pressure! Whatever you do, you’re still last in line- Pressure, pressure! Applause receding far away- Me, the result of blame-shifting, no, can’t find that funny- With just one mistake and I’m out of chances Bless me, please, with one more chance- It’s not even my fault, not even slightly."

"Pick up your mouth-piece Grind your teeth and strike a pose Just like O2, burn yourselves into oblivion."

"Oblivion and the River Lethe Oblivion asks forgetfulness of us in both its meaning and etymology. The word’s Latin source, oblīvīscī, means “to forget; to put out of mind,” and since its 14th century adoption into English, oblivion has hewed close to meanings having to do with forgetting. The word has also long had an association with the River Lethe, which according to Greek myth flowed through the Underworld and caused anyone who drank its water to forget their past; 17th century poet John Milton wrote about “Lethe the River of Oblivion” in Paradise Lost. The adjective oblivious (“lacking remembrance, memory, or mindful attention”) followed oblivion a century later, but not into oblivion—both words have proved obdurate against the erosive currents of time."

Synonyms: Forgetfulness, Nirvana, Obliviousness.

"Burn yourselves into oblivion- Burn, burn! Open this door and check if you want to I’ll deign to hear your last words if you want, a vanishing FIRE."

Eternal Oblivion- A philosophical, scientific, religious concept stating that's one consciousness ceases forever upon death. This concept is commonly tied to religious skepticism, secular humanism, nihilism, and atheism.

"'Tis ordained, thou shall follow thine destiny. 'Tis ordained, thou shall discard vulgarity. 'Tis ordained, thou shall deliver unto those thou believest in. 'Tis ordained, thou shall stay thine course, then perish."

Q.12 What is the meaning of life?

Kazui: Who knows. If you ever find out, let me know.

Amane: I think it’s something you first understand when you reach the end of your life and look back on it. I’m doing my best to live in a way that I won’t regret when that time comes.

"Being born into this world is the first miracle any person experiences and is something to celebrate. Even if after birth I was put through trial after trial, the value of that will never disappear."

@doctorbunny Also reminded me that Futa's second voice drama is literally called, "Baptism by Fire" as well. Yeah, trial two is shaping up to be the cult-gram prelude whether Amane is Innocent or not. So, have fun with that everybody. Oh, and it'd be super nice if people stop deluding themselves into believing the outcome of this trial is going to stop something that has already occurred/has been occurring thanks.

Now back to the topic at hand-

All of these are signs of retraumatization not just in Amane but two other prisoners as well. Yet, if that's not enough- What else shows us that Amane has been retraumatized?

Well, Purge March visualizes perfectly that these circumstances have retraumatized Amane. Especially if one were to take the visuals from Magic and her most recent mv and compare them. Something many people outside of myself have done.

People have pointed out that in Magic we see Amane riding on top of a cloud. However, the entire set that Amane is standing on is a Heaven on Earth of sorts where she takes center stage.

The white cloud-like structures around the rainbow stepped pedestal with the old symbol of the cult firmly behind it as Amane turns away from it at the start of the song.

Before the clouds cover up her face and fade us into this,

Amane bursting up from beneath the cloud, appearing to sit on top of it in confusion and shock. She holds this confused and shocked expression until all the others float around and then she's by herself again at which point she smiles.

It's only when they are shown not to visibly be around (it's implied they're still around just not directly near her) does she smile- After this the mascots circle beside her again. In a familiar way at this point- Well in a way I feel should be familiar considering how much Purga March has been viewed over the past few days-

The cloud displaying the title of Amane's first song resembling the symbol on the flag that we see in Purge March. The mascots circling the symbol with Amane around her song's title. A song and title that like with the other prisoners is something uniquely hers. So, I find it curious that instead of using the symbol associated with the cult the double clouds- Something again she displays prominently at the beginning she instead puts her song title on a singular cloud and has these mascots circling it.

Creating a vague visual illustration of the symbol on the flag they carry at the end. Something unique to them that she created all on her own.

The cycle of punishment displayed throughout the song also only begins after Amane and the mascots have fallen from on top of the clouds as well. Going under them. Purge March follows up on this by visually illustrating again that punishment is represented not only by being submerged in water but overshadowed or smothered by any sort of force. Be it the clouds or her mother's shadow or hand.

Something is always above Amane when she is getting punished.

"After you cry, repent, and kneel, it’s now your turn to say that hopeless “I’m sorry”." - "I'm sorry! Sorry! I'm sorry for breaking the rules..."

"Remember MY cries, MY repents, MY words of “I’m sorry” that I said to you?"

This is something that is further displayed through the imagery used to end off Purge March and the way it mirrors how Magic ends,

No longer is Amane beneath these clouds but in front of them once again as Magic started. Amane is now able to act on her own beliefs at her own discretion. It's even more telling that she goes from standing with Yuri and Riyone to by herself and pointing her wand at someone.

What we can tell from the use of clouds, and shadows over the course of Magic and Purge March- Is that when Amane is beneath them it is a sign of her not having control of the situation and being subject to the whims or beliefs of others. This is why we believe the fact that Amane remains beneath clouds throughout most of Purge March is indicative of her declining mental health and a sign that this experience has retraumatized her.

2. Reactive Abuse

Star here. I would also like to touch upon the concept of "reactive abuse" and how it may play a factor in both the prisoners and Milgram as a whole.

Reactive Abuse, is a term used to describe when a victim reacts in a volatile manner (that could be perceived as abusive to those uninvolved or uninformed about the situation) in response to their abuse. This term is not meant to be used in a way to blame the victim or shift any of the responsibility for the abuse onto them but describe in further depth the multitude of responses individuals can have while undergoing abuse.

How a victim responds to their abuse/abuser does not immediately turn them into an abuser themselves. The lack of knowledge around this phenomenon and the various ways people can respond to abuse has created a situation where the victim's response to the abuse can be viewed as abusive. Especially when the way the victim responds is viewed as socially unacceptable or abusive itself.

This makes it appear as though the actions of a victim trying to defend themselves are on the same level as an abuser harming their victim. Sometimes causing it to appear that there are two abusers in the relationship when there is only one. This is made even worse by the fact that sometimes abusive individuals count on their victim responding in this way or goad them into responding in that way to make themselves appear better or their behavior seem more justified in the eyes of outsiders.

A prime example of this would be intentionally acting in a way that the abusive party knows will elicit this sort of response from the victim- So the abuser can record the victim’s behaviour and claim that how the victim behaved was worse.

A side note, but it's a fair possibility that this happened to Mikoto, hence his hypervigilance regarding being filmed without knowledge.

20/05/25

Mikoto: ……I’ve really got caught up in some trouble, huh. What even is this place? It’s probably a TV reality show or something. ……but to think someone in this day and age would try to do a project that could land them in so much trouble. Uh…… Mahiru: Ah…… I’m Shina Mahiru! You can just call me Mahiru. And you are……? Mikoto: Kayano Mikoto. I’m fine with just Mikoto too. Ahh, I’m glad there’s someone here who’s easy to talk to…… It’s nice to meet you, Mappy. Mahiru: ………………Mappy???

20/05/31

Mu: Hey, Mikoto-kun, aren’t you scared of this place……? You can’t think of any reason you ended up here, right……? Mikoto: Ahh, yeah. Of course, it’s not like I’m not scared at all. But just between you and me…… I still haven’t dropped the thought that this could all just be a TV show. I mean, I really haven’t ever murdered anyone.……and if that is the case, we’re definitely being monitored. For like a prank setup or something. Wouldn’t it be super uncool and embarrassing to get angry or lash out and have it shown on prime time? Mu: Is that what you think……? A prank, huh…… I hope that’s all it is…… Mikoto: Ah! If that is the case, then you’ll probably be super popular since you’re so cute, Mucchan! There’s a lot of girls out there who make their big break coming off reality shows like that!

20/06/15

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying to get everyone to pay attention to you. You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly. Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here?……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross. Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right? Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

First trial website voice line

“Ah, I got it! This must be some sort of reality show. There’s no way it’s broadcasted, so maybe an online program?”

John Doe

Your name and age? "Uh… Mikoto Kayano, 23. Wait, no! I've been wanting to talk to you this whole time, guard-kun!" What is it? Make it short. "Alright… when is this whole thing going to end?" Huh? "No, it's obvious, isn't it?! Suddenly being dragged to a place like this, being told all this weird stuff about killers and all that– is this some kind of comedy? A reality TV show? One of those monitoring things? I've been holding on to that thought this whole time, and that was also the reason I tried to get along with the others! Y'know – because that'll look better on a TV show, right?! But look, this is stretching out for way too long…! What's up with this?" ......You really still believe that? That MILGRAM is some kind of joke? "I do! Of course I do! I mean… I really don't remember. Even if you talk about sins or murderers– I don't know about any of that! I'm just a normal worker at a company…"

This is a concept shown very well in Purge March. The way Purge March ends is with Amane proclaiming that she’ll punish her abuser in the same way they abused her.

“Here and now, it’s my turn to tear you apart. So there is no second time, I’ll give back the judgment that you gave to me.”

You will see that is exactly what she did. She waterboards her abuser, likely tases them and then beats them- to death in this case. Though given the size of the bruise on Amane, it seems as though she just gave as good as she got.

One could argue that this is happening within Milgram too. Es intentionally pushes Amane, Fuuta and Mikoto to their mental limit within Milgram, provoking a (rightfully upset) reaction.

For Amane, in both Apostle and Death and Of Blessedness and Punishment, Es goads her into reacting in a volatile manner by repeatedly throwing her wish to not be treated like a child in her face, dismissive of her ideals and belief system at best, though mocking would be a better descriptor. When she does reach her limit and react, they make fun of her. The only exception to this is in Of Blessedness and Punishment, where Amane pushes Es’ sore spot. That being a fragmented identity. She then proceeds to mock them right back, asking them if they are alright before saying to get better by themselves as this is a trial from god.

With Fuuta, Es takes overt advantage of how quickly Fuuta is to react to others’ input and how he takes people at face value. This happens in both trials in different ways. In Braze You, it was Es making the active decision to tease Fuuta since he acted the most stereotypical to being put in this situation. In Baptism of Fire, they give Fuuta a small glimpse of hope about being voted innocent before turning around and saying that they’ll judge no matter how much their “comrades” cry. When Fuuta lashes out at this, saying that he'll kill Es if they don’t vote him innocent, they dismiss him. They state that if they truly are the same, then they’ll get whats coming to them at some point anyways.

As for Mikoto, in John Doe, Es repeatedly pushes on the idea that Mikoto killed someone but forgot. This is despite the fact that Mikoto is in clear distress about the concept. They also mimic how he speaks when doing so, using speech mannerisms such as “it’s only natural to think that, right?” and “That’s the only logical conclusion”. This pushes Mikoto to switch, his other personality doing his best to shut Es up and prevent more mental harm. This is the only reaction to throw Es off, but even then, they continue to egg on the other personality. This results in the other personality laying into Es harder until Kotoko intervenes.

Es also attempts this with Haruka, though to varying degrees of success. In The Writhing of the Weak, Es attempts to get a volatile reaction from Haruka, by acting as a stereotypical “bad cop”. They are instead blindsided by how subservient he comes across, and how easily he accepts any form of attention. It doesn’t matter if it’s framed in a negative or positive light, Haruka’s just happy to have someone look at him. In Metamorphosis of the Weak, however, Es manages to draw out a response by stating the fact that Haruka isn’t out of the woods yet. Haruka reacts in three different ways here.

One, stating that Es is weird and mean for taking back their acceptance after voting him innocent (likely due to Muu’s influence, as that’s a complaint that she’d have).

Two, stating that he can kill anything smaller than him (presumably a train of logic that lead to his murder).

Three, saying that Es wasn’t his mother and only Muu was, before threatening violence against Es if Muu wasn’t voted innocent. When they remind him that the prisoners can’t attack the guard, he switches tacks and says he’ll die if she isn’t voted innocent, before bragging that he can learn. When Es calls him a dumb ass for this, he replies that he was born one.

Es is also aided by the fact that they are within a position of power compared to the prisoners with their status as “warden”. It doesn’t seem to occur to Es that this nebulous position could be ripped away from them at any time by Jackalope.

Es is put in a position where the audience would want to sympathize with them, due to factors such as age, lack of memories and being pushed into a position of heavy judgements without prior preparation. There’s also the fact that they are a stand in for us. This means the audience are more likely to excuse or defend their behaviour. Adding all this together, if the prisoner reacts in a way that’s considered “unsuitable” the audience is predisposed to be on Es’ side. Saying things such as “the prisoners are being unreasonable” and that “if they were truly sorry, they wouldn’t be reacting like that”.

3. Why was Amane retraumatized by her verdict and Milgram?

So, with all that out of the way... We've explained a few things.

Firstly we've explained what retraumatization is and how it may be impacting multiple prisoners. Secondly, we explained the reasoning behind our belief that Amane has been retraumatized by her previous verdict. Then thirdly we explained reactive abuse and how that may play a factor in some of the prisoners' mannerisms.

However, we haven't touched on why exactly Amane was retraumatized by her verdict. She states that she doesn't really mind the voices because something like that can't shake her beliefs.

Plus, she even takes it a step further stating she's already been told these sorts of things before,

Amane Second Voice Drama

"Aren’t we the same? Me and Warden-san. You know, I’m aware that I’m out of the ordinary. That my environment was peculiar, and that everyone [else] is normal."

Amane…

"In fact, there have been people who said that to me. I’ve been told things like, “You’re being deceived.” “You can still make it right now.” “You’re crazy.”."

…

"You are treating me as a child after all. Because I’m a child, you believe that I must have been brainwashed. It’s not like that. I, too— children, too, understand everything! Please don’t just decide that people must be unhappy."

…

"I’m happy that I was born to my parents! It was a bit difficult, and it could feel restrictive sometimes, but I’m really happy that I could grow up on such beautiful teachings! I want to live this way!"

However, she states this in terms of her religious beliefs. Something she's only fallen back on after her retraumatization. The core request within Magic was never please say my cult is good but Amane asking if it was alright for her to act in her own self-interest,

"Dear wise one, Am I worthy? Is it ok to spoil myself?" - "Is it ok to be weak sometimes?"

So, what was denied by the audience was Amane's right to make decisions for herself, not the cult's doctrines. Making it no surprise in retrospect that she would fall back on these teachings to reinforce her worldview. Add onto that the punishment Milgram gave is literally one of the forms of abuse she underwent constantly hearing voices berating you-

Amane Trial 1 Voice Drama

I've kept you waiting, Amane.

"Yes, you did. You're late."

Alright, let us start the interrogation.

"I don't want to."

Hah?

"I won't acknowledge it."

What do you mean?

"It is your duty to apologize to me first."

Uh-huh...

"Nh...Do you understand?!"

...?

"It is vital to always be on time for things. When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."

Are you done? I would like to start the interrogation.

"No, I am not done talking. I need to make sure you are aware of your mistake."

Sigh...

"Why are you making a face like that? Is there something you want to say?"

I'm not in the mood to play around with you... Listen, Amane.

"What is it?"

Don't get the wrong idea. You are an inmate, and I am the warden. That's our dynamic. I have no intention of letting you order me around.

"Hm... But if you're the warden, as you say you are- Shouldn't you take the prisoners' opinions into consideration?"

Don't make me laugh. I'm not your teacher at school; it isn't my goal to teach you things or guide you on the right path. Milgram's goal isn't to turn you back into decent human beings and get you back into normal society. What's needed here are firm honest judgements and decisions.

"Judgements and decisions..."

All that is needed is a decision on whether your crimes are forgivable or not. I don't have any responsibility beyond that. And I have no intention of letting myself be fooled by the impression you are just a little kid.

"I see. Is that so..."

It is. Now let's get to the interroga-

"Then, please apologize to me not as the warden but as yourself."

...As myself?

"Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

...

"Why are you looking so doubtful? Are you not human?"

No, I'm sure you're right. ... I apologize.

"Okay! I'm kind, so I shall forgive you. That's nice, isn't it? If my parents were in my place you would have been lectured for another hour."

I'm glad I wasn't born into your family.

"...Is that so? Alright, we're running late. So, let's start the interrogation!"

(I think it's important to note that Amane has parents here meaning both of them would have lectured here for another hour. Not just her mom.)

And what is hearing these voices but constant lecturing and berating with no end? Not even the freedom of thought she used to have in order to cope with these things. It's a new sort of sound torture where someone isn't even safe in their own mind.

Also, I thought it'd be fun to point out this other similarity in thinking between Futa and Amane,

Q.01 What do friends mean to you?

Futa: People who get excited about the same things as you.

Bring It On

"You apologize if you do something wrong, you learn that even before words, don’t you?" - "When you do something wrong, you need to apologize. These are both my personal rules and the rules of society."/ "Yes. It is only natural for a person to apologize to another for breaking a promise."

This part of her first interrogation may also be why they say this in their second,

"But we are generous. For now, let us make some time for a conversation with you. After all, our history is one that is built on dialogue."

Next time in part two- (Also known as next time on my declining mental health and Star's increasing sleep deprivation!)

#milgram #amane momose #tw cults #tw child abuse #tw abuse

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marcynomercy · 1 month

Text

Fate written in blood

Thank you @littol-rascal for beta-reading and for giving me so many tips and suggestions to improve writing thanks to that the next chapters got better too.

Summary: The blood has always been her way until the day that fate changed, After being kidnapped by mind flayers and the fall of the Nautiloid Calamity had a new opportunity for freedom and strangely her fate crossed with that of Astarion when the elf put that dagger around her neck.

Their fate until now was written by others, but now they would write with their own hands in blood.

Warnings: Violence, blood, game events, mentions of trauma, distress/comfort, mention of abuse. (That’s it for now)

Ship: Astarion and Calamity (Tav), Shadowheart and Carniex (Tav), mentions of other characters.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2.

Chapter 3 - Blood and a song

That night, Calamity told Astarion her story–vaguely, because it was a bit too foreboding in the middle of the night, and perhaps the details would leave them both with nightmares, she said.

In turn, Astarion heard everything she was willing to say, making his own mental notes: First, that her masters were two motherfuckers who deserved death just as well as Cazador, and second, that she was clearly broken—she just didn’t know how much.

She’d admitted that she was just "acting" the lead role, and Astarion found himself impressed since she’d done so quite it masterfully... so he just realized that she just assumed what she needed at the time, like a good doll and puppet.

He felt disgusted by it.

For some reason, he began to hate it, the lack of personality, ambition and greed... the lack of life in her. By the gods, he was an undead and had more to live for than she who had a beating heart in her chest!

So he started little by little, and when she seemed to want something, he encouraged her to take it, no matter how useless it seemed.

"Darling, if you want something, take it! No one willcare, and it’s better to have than to not, don’t you think?"

Hearing these words, Calamity just kept quiet, but she agreed.

Calamity went on to pick up a few things, starting with one or two books that she became curious about, and then jewelry–they found a bag with some, and Astarion picked up almost all of it, with the exception of one piece–a silver necklace. After all, he had to stay away from silver, but Calamity kept staring at the necklace with great interest.

"Do you like it?" he asked.

"A-Ah... the stone." She pointed to the small stone in the setting, probably a ruby, judging by its crimson hues. "It’s beautiful… I like that color," she said softly.

"Do you like red?"

"Yes! It’s a strong and welcoming color..." She looked into his eyes. "Like your eyes."

Astarion found himself at a loss for words.

"R-Right, if you like the necklace, then take it! I can’t touch it," he chuckled

That’s how she took the necklace she would wear around her neck often now.

It was the sixth day after the fall of the Nautiloid and the formation of this strange group, and now, they had two more members: A tiefling who fled the blood war called Karlach, and the hero of the coast, Wyll.

So far, they’d just had to deal with some goblins, gnolls, some false paladins of Thyr, and at the present time–a hag.

"That bitch pissed me off." She told the group as justification for chasing the hag to the bottom of her lair.

Was it perhaps another idiotic reason? Maybe, but this witch had angered everyone in the group one way or another, so no one protested. At least it was a decision she made based on the trial itself, and that was progress and... well, they found a Gur. For some reason, he’d been there on the trail near the hag’s house, and they bumped into each other after the fight against the hag, saving Myrina and giving her a zombie husband. The Gur said he was looking for a vampire spawn,and immediately Calamity and Astarion’s gazes met.

"And what will you do with him? Kill him?" Calamity asked.

"I have orders to capture him and take him back to Baldur’s Gate," the Gur replied, "my people are waiting for me there."

As easy as it would be to pull a dagger and kill him– something she’d done before– didn’t seem justifiable, since she was the only one to know Astarion’s secret... therefore, she discreetly poked the vampire, hoping he would stop looking at the hunter as a beast ready to kill, saying goodbye quickly before snatching the elf, taking him down the road with her until they were out of the Gur’s earshot.

"Why the hell did you spare him?!" Astarion’s tone was frustrated at best, downright furious at worst. "I should have killed him!"

"Shh!!" Calamity put her hand over his mouth as she walked him away from the group a little so they could speak. "I did it to keep your secret hidden for longer! Think about it, Astarion… if I killed him without a GOOD explanation what others would think?" She argued, stepping away from him a little. " You once told me to think first before acting impulsively."

"Well, that was because you tried to draw the sword to a devil! He was just a Gur, and we killed a Hag because she annoyed you, remember?"

"I think the Hag’s death was enough of an impulsive action for today."

He rolled his eyes and snorted.

"Yes! But if he shows up at camp..." Astarion’s tone was pointed, clearly expecting a response.

"Well," she replied, meeting his gaze with as serious of an expression as she could, “then I will have the pleasure of killing him, and draining his blood to be your dinner." She finished with a flourish of her hand, smiling at the vampire.

Astarion just laughed in response, imagining her hanging the cadaver upside down to drain the blood–imagining such a small and adorable person doing it was frankly hilarious.

"Hey, you’re mocking my height in your mind again, aren’t you?!" She crossed her arms, a half-pout on her face.

"Me? No," Astarion said, feigning both seriousness and innocence, "I was just thinking lovely things about how cute and small you are."

Judgind from Calamity’s expression, she was ready to hit him.

"Hey, when did the two of you start being so close?" Shadowheart asked suspiciously. " Now you’re even talking and whispering."

"Awww, let them talk! They’re so cute, like a couple." Karlach, chuckled, seemingly enjoying seeing them like this.

Both of them looked up, denial and surprise evident on their faces.

"It’s either that, or you’re trying to make up for her brother's absence, which is kind of a... pathetic thing anyway." Much to their dismay, the cleric seemed as sharp as ever.

"Astarion and I just got a little closer as friends... what’s up? Is Shadowheart jealous?" Calamity teased.

"Only in your dreams." Shadowheart replied, rolling her eyes.

"You hurt me, Shadowheart, I thought you liked me." Calamity fake-pouted, though the beginnings of a smile were evident at the corners of her mouth.

"Don’t be dramatic, you silly." The cleric said amicably.

After all, Calamity and Shadowheart seemed to have had a good rapport from the beginning, and if she wanted advice or to clear her mind so she could plan more clearly, the other party members could be sure they would find the leader of the group talking to Shadowheart.

As they walked, Shadowheart pulled Calamity away from Astarion.

"What are you two hiding?" she asked.

"Nothing that is problematic in, I think..." She thought a little better. "I think it’s not problematic... at least not for me. Anyway! It’s a personal thing for him, and I promised that I would keep it a secret, and you better than anyone understands secrecy, isn’t that Shart?" The cleric sighed, mainly due to the fact that she'd used the nickname.

"Are you really going to insist on the nickname?"

"If you don't like this, I’m accepting suggestions! You know... you’re my first friend, and I know that nicknames are something affectionate..." Calamity’s cheeks flushed slightly."So... you can call me "Caly" if you want to."

"Oh, that’s a cute nickname. Your brother calls you that, I suppose."

"Yeah, you know, whenever he calls me by my name,I’m usually going to get scolded, or it’s something serious."

They talked for a while as they made their way back to the camp.

Maybe it was because of the awkward encounter with the Gur or just his mind dragging him back into misery to remind him not to relax, but Astarion had a nightmare.

The vampire from his trance after dreaming of Cazador meeting him in the forest. He was terrified of his desperate mind, and hunger tended to strike him as terribly and strongly as his fear did. He needed more strength, more power... he needed blood, not those animals he was taking, but someone. Astarion left his tent and began to think about who he should pay a visit to, but luckily for him, there was someone sleeping outside the tent tonight... It was Calamity.

She said she’d help him, so she probably wouldn’t be mad at him for that, right?

However, Calamity woke up before he could bite her, and stared at him, sighing in exasperation as she sat up on her sleeping bag.

"You know…” she trailed off. “I expected you to at least ask." Calamity paused, watching Astarion for a moment. " What happened? You didn’t get anything in the forest today?"

"I..." He was silent for a moment, thinking about what he would say. " I had a nightmare with my Master, he found me and I went back to the shadows... I need to get stronger, and the hunger… it’s consuming me."

She saw the despair in his eyes, in his expression… it was a despair she knew very well.

"I understand you, and you know I promised to help you and trust you,” she said, trying to reassure him.

"Can you trust me but a little more?"

" If it’s a bite you’re asking for, I don’t have a problem with that, but just…” Calamity paused. ”Don’t overdo it. Can you promise me that?"

"Of course,” Astarion replied, feeling the hunger gnaw at his stomach, “now, how about we get comfortable?"

"I think we’d better go to your tent." she suggested. "Better to prevent any accidents, I’d hate for someone to try to stake you."

"You’re right, of course,” Astarion chuckled. “Can we?" he reached out to Calamity,who gladly accepted his hand.

So silly. She trusted him so very easily…was it really so easy to conquer someone like her, just like that?

As soon as they entered his tent, Calamity just watched everything quietly, as it was messy; the empty blood jars and the wooden tablet on the floor... He didn’t seem very comfortable.

"Wait a moment." Astarion took some pillows and a sleeping bag,quickly preparing a bed for her. "Much better."

"Why don’t you do it for yourself when you get some rest?" An innocent question from Calamity, but it hurt, somehow.

Astarion ignored the question, making her sit in the sleeping bag accommodating her.

"How do you want to do this?" Calamity asked almost automatically, her eyes wide.

"Well…” Astarion paused. “Are you afraid?"

"Of being bitten by a vampire? Honestly, I’m not afraid. I can’t explain it, but it seems natural to me..." Calamity said softly, her expression thoughtful.

"Have... you ever been bitten?" Astarion was intrigued by her perspective.

"If I was, I don’t remember, I don’t remember anything before I was 10 years old, and there are things I just know."

"No memories, but her subconscious remembers information it needs, so to speak..." he muttered, more as an observation to himself. "Well, whatever’s most comforting to you."

Calamity just grabbed her hair that was loose, moving to lie on a pillow leaving her neck easily accessible to him. Astarion then positioned himself on top of her calmly, watching her features. She stared serenely waiting for him... so soft, so inviting.

He slowly approached, placing his hand behind the back of her neck, then he finally set his fangs and bit down, feeling the blood flow into his mouth.

The taste was... something he himself could not explain, it was coppery, savory, and sweet as vanilla, but had something more full-bodied, dense, strong... powerful. It was intense and addictive, and the more he drank, the more his desire increased. Meanwhile, Calamity felt pain, but also something completely new, unique; she could feel her blood flow from her body to his... but even after that, there was still something more.

Something asleep inside her that began to stir, deeply. Calamity grabbed the fabric of his shirt, trying to something, but Astarion couldn’t make out the words. He lifted her body, embracing her waist as her grip on his shirt tightened, her voice rising again.

"A-Astarion... please... stop." She pleaded with him, her vision blurred, her tone exhausted, weak even.

Astarione realized he may have gone overboard, detaching himself from her neck immediately, but he kept holding her in his arms...saw what he did to her.

"Calamity?! Hey, don’t sleep!" he demanded, hiding his nervousness.

"Calm down, I won’t close my eyes." Calamity’s voice was weak and her eyes looked heavy, yet she still tried to reassure him...

To Astarion, her skin looked paler than before, and the blood was still flowing from the bite on her neck. Astarion then licked the blood that was dripping from the punctures,laying her down carefully.

"That - that was amazing. My mind is finally clear. I feel strong. I feel… happy." Astarion said as he stroked her face. "This is a gift, you know. I won’t forget it."

Exhausted and drained, Calamity chose to just accept the affection willingly.

"I’m happy to help... is it a bad thing if I fall asleep? I feel so... tired."

Her breathing was heavier, and Astarion feared that if she slept, her heart would stop beating. An irrational fear, perhaps, but a fear nonetheless.

"You know, darling, maybe it’s a little dangerous if you sleep." He sat next to her.

"Are you afraid I’ll die?"

"Well, if you die after letting me drink your blood, I don’t think others will see it in the right light…it would at least be a stake in my chest."

"Do you think someone like me would die so easily?" Calamity questioned, slightly turning her face to look at him.

"Would you be offended if I said that at this moment you seem very fragile?"

"No…” she trailed off drowsily. “Am I delusional, or do you look worried?"

"It’s kind of hard not to be a little worried right now." Astarion admitted, concern laced into his voice.

Calamity smiled when she heard those words.

"You know, I’m gonna need to sleep sometime."

"Then, please drink a healing potion before closing your eyes." Shuffling about, Astarion quickly took a jar from somewhere–she couldn’t tell where.

Calamity raised her head high enough to be able to drink the potion without problems. Astarion helped her, of course, and then laid her down again.

"Will you rest too?" she asked.

"Not yet, if you’ll excuse me, you’re invigorating, but I need something more… filling."

Astarion left her in his tent and ran into the forest, the truth is that he was hungry in a different sort of way.

"Gods... any more and I would have devoured her." He muttered, feeling heat begin to simmer beneath his skin, feeling the tension pooling in his groin.

When he returned to his tent, Calamity was still there, seemingly in a deep sleep. He laid down beside her, but much to his surprise, she was awake, turning towards him and open her eyes.

"Are you tired?" She asked.

"I’m still far too awake to go into a trance now." He sighed.

"I can sing, to help you relax." she suggested.

"What? Will you put me to sleep with a lullaby?" He joked, looking mischievously at her.

"Well, it’s a unique offer." Calamity hummed.

"In that case…” Astarion paused. “How could I say no."

Calamity began to sing; a soft and beautiful melody, but the music hit Astarion in a way he would never have imagined.

"Light is not a salvation, the shadows are,

Your place isn’t in the light but you still miss it;

Blood calls you, so don’t hold on,

I will accompany you; wherever you go, I will be by your side.

This moment is our eternity,

Don’t think about tomorrow or the next century;

Just stay in this brief moment by my side,

I’ll be yours until I die.

You don’t belong to the light,

The darkness in you that even the brightest light can’t illuminate;

For some reason I am drawn to this darkness, I can’t help it,

It ‘s the darkest part of my soul taking a breath from this welcoming darkness."

It seemed to Astarion that this song was made for him, as the lyrics made every part of his being tremble, even down to his soul.

"Darling... where did you hear that song?" he asked perplexed.

"I don’t know, I don’t remember. But this song is recorded in my heart, I sang it whenever I felt lonely and helpless. It was my hope and my comfort, so I hope she will give you some of that comfort and hope Astarion." She smiled and stretched out her hand shyly to him.

Astarion was still atonite, he didn’t know what to think or what he was feeling... but this is nice, why not? He held her hand and she continued to sing to him.

"So I took her in,

I took you in,

If it’s my blood you want, I’ll give it to you;

If it’s my life you want, I’ll give it to you;

I’ll give you everything, down to my soul,

This moment is our peace,

This moment is our redemption;

Let me stay with you in this darkness,

This is our eternity, my love."

He listened to the end, his mind slipping gently into a trance. Upon seeing him relaxed, Calamity finally gave in to sleep too, whispering to him before slumber took her...

"Sweet dreams, Astarion."

Well that’s it! Thank you for reading the third chapter.

@spacebarbarianweird @spacesquidlings @thechaoticdruid @vixstarria

Who wants to be tagged in the next chapters please tell me in the comments.

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verybigvag · 3 months

Text

There's been a lot of recent discussion with Angel Dust, his scene Poison, and Its interpretation. I would like to talk about it.

⚠️ Trigger warning for discussion of Sexual Violence/Assault, Abuse, Drug Use, fetishization, and In*c'est mention ⚠️

I would like to start by saying that I wanna be able to have more posts like this and discuss topics both serious and not for media/entertainment here on Tumblr, however, I would like to keep articulate and not too long but that won't be the case here lol.

In Episode 4 of Hazbin Hotel 'Masquerade', there is a musical scene showcasing Angel Dust singing 'Poison' about his trauma and current situation of being sexually abused, and taken advantage of by the porn industry and how he copes with drug addiction, masking himself and relying on his hypersexuality to get through it with the possibility of losing himself to it all and killing him in the end.

While the scene doesn't show his assault outright, it is rather disturbing and obvious imagery of his situation. Back in 2017 there was a music video for a fan song Addict turned soft canon at the time. It was the original showcase for what we will get for Angel dust as a character and his nuances going into the show, as well as the first instances of Valentino taking advantage of him. While the music video isn't as dark as poison, he does an amazing job at just that. Not needed to go so far and yet it's so obvious through the animation.

Now the question I would like to give my opinion on is, Is Poison fetishizing Angel's abuse? In my personal opinion and the show's intention... No.

Poison is a disturbing scene, it's dark and almost uncensored. There's an argument to be made that it's supposed to make you uncomfortable and while that is true, nobody should use that as justification to talk down to victims when they have something to say. I'm a victim myself and frankly, I'm conflicted on how I feel about this. I think the scene does work in the fact that it gives Angel's perspective well what he sees and how he wants others to perceive him. Then we have the fact that the show is presenting that angel situation is something to take seriously but will characters harass others and the occasional r*ape joke. (Sir Pentious in the most recent example)

People are conflicted and at times it's unsure how some perceive this. It's almost whiplash to see SA played for laughs then later in the same episode, we see a character stand up to their abuser and is presented as a triumphant moment, a starting point and Proof he is strong and can make it out and is also protecting his friend, showing he good character traits, someone who cares for other and wants to protect them.

I think people are right to point out its writing issues with its comedy and tone armor and victims have every right to point that out.

There is more to this situation I will get into later in the post that Understandably makes people uncomfortable given the context.

It's almost like a popstar giving a performance, letting their persona out on stage; either Kampy, unapologetically themselves, hypersexual and glamorous. This is very common with mainstream I industry musicians/pop stars.

While it's not the case for every artist, it's well known that most are subjected to sexualization from the audience and media (unless they lean into that hypersexual persona).

Angel Dust is a product of his trauma and environment. With that I don't think the show will actually get into how unethical and exploitative the porn industry is (which I think they should), rather just how Angel is being exploited.

Now whether fans like it or not, your favorite media will be criticized for both warranted and ridiculous reasons.

There seems to be an issue with the stans of Hazbin Hotel and constantly deflecting any criticisms of the show. This isn't the case for all the fans but it's still common, unfortunately.

There are people who don't know what it's like to have a history of sexual violence and grooming, and that's ok. It's something I never want to wish upon anyone. It'll affect you for the rest of your life. Some days are better than others but it's not the same for everyone, and universally Trauma is processed differently. There will be experiences that many can relate to; Hypersexuality being one way, some want to reclaim themselves and disassociate sex from the experience and the feelings of uncleanliness that comes with it.

We don't need others who have an unhealthy attachment to a show to constantly speak over those who disagree with Angel's visual representation of his sexual exploitation/assault. Many have stated they don't have any issue with their scene, AND MANY others disagree and They are BOTH right to feel that way. We don't need fans who are selective with victims and their input on a serious nuanced topic.

The sentiment should be that we shouldn't be speaking over anyone who's been victimized, groomed, assaulted, and experienced similar circumstances. Whether they validate your opinions or not.

I still want to clarify, that it's ok to enjoy dark media. It's ok to enjoy what you want. In my opinion, there is a point where you go past safe consumption to obsession with problematic media that's concerning.

If you want to enjoy Valentino and Go ahead. Villains are popular for a reason and it's easy to enjoy characters who are Kampy yet evil in nature. Merchandise of villains is nothing new so I don't see why it's an issue now (unless it depicts said inappropriate tendencies in a glamorized light)

With that said, there was understandable discomfort knowing the artist who storyboarded poison.

I would go into details here but I recommend you go and read this thread by Uninformed Artist, It goes over everything you need to know but to keep it short, they have a r*ape fetish.

People are free to feel however they want about this, especially since there could be a chance Raphielles may have had interior motives but at the moment we can't say for sure and if so, it was conveyed at all in the scene. personally, It feels disingenuous to claim that they want to take the said topic seriously but aren't considerate of the team representing it.

Speaking of that, I may diverge a bit but I want to give an example...

This reminded me of another similar situation with another animated show; Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

⚠️Incest Warning ⚠️

On Twitter an artist who goes by Sheldon made this below regarding a scene they storyboarded for an episode in season 2 called 'The Lair Games' and yes it did make it into the show.

Sheldon replied to a user who partakes in problematic content

To clarify, TCEST is what people refer to as shipping Any of the Main Brothers; Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, And Michelangelo in the TMNT franchise. Yes, this means romantic/sexual.

There was much discomfort from many fans that was warranted given the implications. While something like this will never be implied for Canon for any TMNT iteration, it's weird knowing there may have been certain intentions from Sheldon.

With that said there was another reply clarifying the original tweet was a joke. I'd personally say it's really weird to make that type of joke in the first place and attract people you don't want to interact with and it's not a funny joke to begin with.

But I sincerely hope it was just a terrible joke in bad taste, That's hope I'm personally going to take it as this was about 2 years ago and the rise of the TMNT has unfortunately ended. Hazbin Hotel, however, is just getting started.

I do wish the best for the show and that it grows into something amazing, along with the writers getting into their element and doing these characters justice and I hope there is a bit more consideration that goes into depicting more serious topics later on.

So, I'm not sure how to end this but here we are. I would like to thank all of you for reading. If you have your input feel free to add on!

Make sure to be kind to each other and stay hydrated 💛💛💛

#hazbin hotel #angel dust #hazbin hotel poison #media analysis #content warning #media discussion #triggering topics #hazbin angel dust

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randomshyperson · 2 years

Text

Rulers of The Multiverse - Wanda Maximoff x Reader - Chapter Two

Summary: Strange’s faulty spell will cause a series of unexpected events, from your reunion with the love of your life in another world to the appearance of a child capable of traveling across the multiverse. This story follows the journey of a very tired Guardian alongside mischievous America Chavez and Scarlet Witch.

Warnings: (+18) explicit language and sexual content, violence, a lot of magic, found family, mentions of abusive past and trauma, mind control, use of illicit substances, mostly top!reader, soulmates analogies.

General Masterlist | AO3 | Wattpad | Series Masterlist

--//--

Chapter Two - Far From Home

The very second you stepped into your reality, there were about two dozen rifles pointed at your face.

You can't even blame them, after all, this kind of security became necessary after your actions. All you did was raise your hands to head height, and face a disappointed Charles Xavier that was walking in your direction.

"Just when you're so close to reaching your freedom again, Miss L/N." He said while nodding for the guards to lower their weapons. You sighed.

"I can explain."

"And it better be a great justification, Y/N. The council is not at all happy about your absence." He retorts making you frown slightly.

"How long was I gone?"

"Long enough to end up in the cells you helped us develop."

"Damn it." You grumble annoyed. "It was only a few hours for me, and I swear it wasn't me who-"

Charles held up his hand to interrupt you, a small smile forming. "Save it for the council, child. Things have gotten weirder since you went AWOL. And that's not a good thing for you."

Great fucking timing.

Charles and the guards led the way to the base of the Illuminati - The organization responsible for managing Space-Time on your world, which emerged a few months after your universe mysteriously began to collapse (or not so much, because the instability was emerging from you, and your unrestrained rewriting of destinies to keep your dead wife and fake daughters by your side) and five years after emergence, is still functioning with a lot of work to do. - The walk was long and silent, Charles looked nervous and distant, he spoke no more than vague greetings, and you had the impression that he got inside your head a few times. You didn't even try to resist, figuring that if he saw the truth, it would be better for your judgment.

As you expected, the guards took you straight to one of the holding cells. Risk assessment, they called it. An iron collar to restrain your powers around your neck, an anklet to track your presence even in another universe, and handcuffs for precaution.

You rolled your eyes at the last one. They always double-checked when it came to you.

"Long time no see, Miss L/N." Shuri greeted as soon as she entered the room, eyes on the electronic tablet and not yourself.

"Did you miss me, doc?" You retorted with a certain irony, making her smile.

"Of course I did, you're always an entertainment." She retorted and you gave a short laugh, looking down at your own lap again. "Let's see, unauthorized interdimensional travel to the 616 universe..."

"Travel is a strong word. I was practically kidnapped." You informed and she hummed in understanding, not seeming to believe much. You sighed in frustration, realizing that you would have to save your story for the trial.

"Your magic exchange levels are sky-high, Miss L/N. What have you been doing over there?"

You frowned slightly. You didn't even use magic while you were there.

"I didn't do anything." You said seriously, but Shuri crossed her arms, an insistent look on her face. "I swear! I stayed in a hut, hiding. Just eating and..." Clearing your throat softly, you looked away. "I didn't use magic other than a concealment spell. Word of honor."

Shuri squinted her eyes at you, but sighed after a moment, turning her attention back to the computers that were analyzing you.

"Well, Miss L/N, something has stimulated your magic there. Look at this graph. Your cells are screaming, it's like fireworks. Maybe it is the portal you went through. Either way, it won't look good for your judgment. You're not allowed to use magic in case you forgot it."

With a huff, you look away. "I didn't do anything, you know. Some sorcerer took me there and now I'm here being accused unfairly."

"Unfairness is a strong word for your case, don't you think, Y/N?" Shuri comments and you feel your face heat up with shame. You glare throughout the remainder of the evaluation and refuse to try to justify yourself to her again.

When you are finally released to see the Council, you leave the cell scratching the collar around your neck.

There is a main council of the Illuminatti, but you are a Sorcerer, so your trial is attended by the Council of Mages of this universe. Therefore, you are not surprised that the chairs are mostly occupied by mages, witches, and magical beings and not by the members of the main council, such as Reed Richards or Black Bolt.

"How thoughtful of you to return to your universe, Miss L/N." Ironized Master Kaecillius as soon as you stopped in the center of the room, the council chairs spread out in a circle around you. You clenched your jaw, resisting the urge to roll your eyes.

"Well, you were starting to miss me so I had to come right back." Is your impolite response - ignoring Charles' warning look - and smiling at the way Kae clenches her fists.

"Insolent child!" He grumbles as he moves to take his seat. The professor nods to avoid further discussion, and all the members are silent as he begins to read the standard introduction for starting a session.

"[...] it has been established as a penalty after the crimes on Westview with the reality manipulation and destiny alteration that nearly extinguished this universe entirely, that in addition to immediate banishment from the Avengers team, Miss Y/N L/N Maximoff would be forbidden to use magic and would live according to sessions 6, 21 and 44 of the Interdimensional Accords, which describe the prohibition of travel between universes without prior authorization or emergency reason." Charles quoted all the requirements of his trial, an electronic chart with the sentences appearing next to him as soon as he concluded. "We have identified that on September 27, Miss left this universe at 7:30 a.m. and did not return for eighteen days. What do you have to say about this accusation, miss?”

"Unfounded, professor." You retort generating a reaction of incredulous exclamations from half the council. Charles straightens up in his chair.

"Do you deny the journey?"

"I deny the intent." You retort. "I was working, and more importantly, obeying our agreement. An interdimensional rift appeared in the middle of my office and I was teleported inside."

A few council members began to whisper among themselves, and before Charles could comment, Kaecillius stood up.

"The instability of Stephen Strange's spell has already been notified to this council. Your action that day should have been to retreat from the opening and come directly to us. There was an intention to leave this reality."

It was your turn to let out an indignant exclamation. "And what guarantees that the spell wasn't going to pull me back? You can't blame me for investigating something of this seriousness! On trial or not, I'm still a Sorceress!"

Kaecillius laughed wryly, some members shared his reaction. "That's really a joke. Do you want to convince us that you went for a walk in another reality because you were worried about the safety of the universe? After all, you've done?"

Your face burned with embarrassment, and you looked away. Charles cleared his throat.

"Master Kaecillius, please." He asked, and against pleasure, the other man sat down. Charles sighed, massaging his forehead with his fingers. "Y/N, Stephen Strange's fractured spell has been reported in about one hundred and twelve universes. Only a few variants were reported in reality 616 and the situation was brought under control."

"I know, I was the one who did the containment spell!" You exclaim surprising the council. With an annoyed sigh, you lower your voice. "As soon as I arrived, I saw the cracks. And despite what this council expects of me, I still try to keep things from getting worse. I used a containment spell to prevent more travelers from arriving in that universe."

The buzzing came back among the members. Charles flashed you some short proud smile since that was clearly going to count for some points in your favor, and you wanted to laugh at the way Master Kaecillius rolled his eyes in his seat.

"This council seems to be impressed by small actions, but should I remind you of the reasons why Miss L/N finds herself in this court today?" To your surprise, it was not Kaecillius, but Mordo, who was usually quite neutral in situations. You swallowed dryly as you saw him stand. "It's not the first time the rules have been of little importance to her."

You bit your tongue at seeing so many members agreeing. Kaecillius looked very pleased with himself.

"Deliberately entered a reality and used a high-risk spell, disobeying her parole. You did not return to your home universe even upon finishing the spell, staying away from our monitoring by choice." He accused and you looked down at your own feet. "I believe it is valid to question what you have been doing during this time that this Council has had no information of your location."

You swallowed dryly, without answering. Your silence increased the tension in the room.

"Y/N, please." Charles asked and you felt your eyes fill with tears. Taking a deep breath, you pushed the emotion away and answered:

"I searched for Wanda."

The council exploded in incredulous, disappointed exclamations. Charles himself sighed, straightening back into his chair. Mordo crossed his hands in front of his body, and Kaecillius laughed from his own chair.

"I'm telling you! She didn't regret anything!" Accused the sorcerer getting up. "You're trying to break another universe for your dead wife!"

The handcuffs and necklace made a loud noise as they exploded on your wrists, eyes, and hands glowing gold. Half of the council members stood, but Charles' expression made you sigh and control your magic.

The iron guards approached you again, guns armed in your direction.

"You never change, do you, Y/N?" Kaecillius taunted one last time, and you shuddered, feeling the tears return. Charles cleared his throat.

"Let's postpone this session. The council needs to review this new information. In the meantime, Miss L/N remains in contention."

Knowing that Charles was actually trying to make things easier, you didn't complain. You followed the guards back to your cell and stayed there without protest.

Almost three hours later and you still had no answer, and you were growing impatient by the second. Your first meal had been brought to you by Mordo, and that didn't improve your mood one bit.

"It was good to know you weren't dead, Y/N." He commented as soon as you slipped the tray of food through the opening of the cell. You offered him a humorless laugh.

"As if." You retorted. "Half the problems of this council would be solved if I didn't exist."

Mordo chuckled, shaking his head as he watched you unlock the cuffs and start eating. The guards outside exchanged hesitant glances, and he nodded that it was okay.

"You know I never agreed with your forging." He commented next, and you grumbled low, more interested in the food.

"Really, Mordo? No, I didn't know. I guess you should have said it for the hundredth time because ninety-nine times was too little to stick in my brain." You mocked earning a chuckle from the other, who was enchanting a chair to sit in front of the cell.

"Do you know why?" he questioned, and you grimaced, shrugging.

"My age?" You tried before taking a bite of the fries. Mordo sighed thoughtfully.

"That was also a factor, I think." He said. "Young people are usually very reckless, I wouldn't have recommended someone who didn't have at least five decades of a magical experience for a responsibility like the one you've been given."

You hum kind of disinterested. Mordo clears his throat.

"When the forging date approached, your name was part of one of the suggestions, Miss L/N." He declares surprising you.

"Really? What did they say about me, best barrier spells?" You joke managing a smile.

"High cognition indices and most importantly, caring inclination." He retorted. You raised an eyebrow. "Master Agamotto suggested you. He said that you were talented, and more importantly, that you had your heart in the right place. And that there was nothing more important than that for a Guardian."

You swallowed dryly, pushing the pain of thinking about your former mentor away. "And you disagreed with him?"

Mordo gave you a sad smile, looking away.

"I witnessed your training at the Kamar Taj, Miss L/N. I disagreed with Agamotto's vision towards this. You were irresponsible and disobedient. I lost count of how many times I saw you run away from training or using the quickest solutions that bordered on what we considered correct in your spells." He comments. "And I was also around when you joined the Avengers and began a relationship with Miss Maximoff. You changed, Y/N. She was your priority, not your oath to protect natural law. The intense love you felt for her became your most negative trait."

You grimaced, shifting your gaze to your own lap. "How can love be a bad thing, Mordo?"

"When it becomes selfish." He says. "And you, Y/N, have become the most selfish person I have ever met. Everything was about Wanda. Do you remember that you didn't even want to join the fight against the mad titan? She was the one who insisted that you couldn't turn your back on your friends. You wanted to run away."

You pushed your tray away gently, wiggling one of your knees. "I just didn't want her to get hurt, Mordo. It's not a crime to want the safety of the one you love."

"Of course not." He agrees with a nod. "It's just a trait a Guardian shouldn't have."

"Well, I wouldn't want to be a Guardian either!" You retort and he sighs, nodding.

"I know, Y/N. But we can't change what's already been done." He says. "Agamotto let his affection for you influence his decision. There were other ways to heal you, but a master concerned for the safety of his closest apprentice acted in desperation. Your forging was precipitated and accidental, but it cannot be undone. You will be the Guardian of the Order as long as you live, and that needs to be important to you."

You sigh. "I'm not even allowed to use magic, Mordo."

He clears his throat, looking hesitant. "For the moment, no. But your judgment may be in your favor if a new oath is taken." You frown in confusion, but Mordo swallows dryly and seems to decide to be sincere. "When we explained to you about your magic, and about your position, you remember what you were taught about chaos magic, right?"

You sigh impatiently. "Unfortunately, yes."

Mordo smiles short. "Y/N, I know it's a sensitive subject, talking about her, but, all the masters expected Wanda to become the Scarlet Witch." He counters, and you mutter in understanding, vaguely remembering the day you woke up with your powers. "From the way, you two were close, with your marriage... it made sense that eventually, her forging would happen."

"But she died before that." You complete with bitterness in your stomach. "Yeah, Mordo, I remember."

He offers you a sad sigh. "A guardian of the Order needs a scarlet witch, Y/N. It's the natural order of things. If one exists without the other, things get out of balance." Mordo continues to make you frown. "Do you think this council treats you like this for no reason? Your mere existence without a counterpart messes up this world. Every time you use magic, you open a rift in the cosmos. You need your witch."

You bite your tongue when your immediate reaction is to say that you met her on earth 616. You don't trust Mordo one bit. Clearing your throat, you ask, "Why are you telling me these things?"

"The masters are deciding about you." He says. "A guardian should not exist without their witch, it is unnatural. And you keep disobeying. They could decide the worst if you don't swear to balance things out."

You widen your eyes, getting up defensively. "You came all this way just to say they're going to kill me!"

Mordo holds up his hands for you to calm down. "Y/N, please." he asks between teeth, signaling for you to keep your tone of voice like his. "We have different morals than the rest of the members, you know that. There are sentences where the Masters disagree with the heroes. This is one of those. To the physical world, the execution of a warrior may seem the best alternative, but to us, it would be a disgraceful offense. You have made mistakes, but you are in all terms, the guardian of the multiverse. It would be an immeasurable crime if any of the masters were to assist in your execution. Even Kaecillius knows this."

"Oh, please, he would love to hold the axe!" You accuse, walking around nervously. "I can't believe I came all the way back here for all of you to decide to kill me."

"Take the oath, Y/N." He suggests seriously, making you look at him again. "Repeat your vows to the cosmos."

You let out a short laugh. "Do you think I'm an idiot, Mordo? The first law is the complete surrender of my spirit to Oshtur. And the gods are all fucking bastards."

"Blasphemy." He grumbled in horror, but you shook your head in disbelief.

"This isn't even the rule that worries me the most!" You continued. "The third commandment, remember? The guardian will do anything to protect the multiverse, and that includes facing the high priestess of chaos. Imagine this, Mordo. A vast multiverse with versions of my wife who felt over Chthon's dominion, and a damned oath forcing me to kill one by one, and preventing me from facing the damned chaos god in the midterm." You remind him by approaching the railing. "You're right about me being selfish, Mordo. Because I'd rather face the wrath of the gods than stand against any version of my woman, and screw this whole multiverse in the process."

Mordo took a step back, incredulous and disappointed, but you didn't hesitate. "When your sentence comes, remember that I offered you a second chance."

"Fuck you and your sordid second chance, master."

He shakes his head one last time and turns away from you. You kick your lunch tray against the cell wall.

–//–

She will never come back to you, she doesn't belong here.

She shouldn't even remember you, a broken version of the woman she lost.

Poor Wanda, all alone.

The voices were louder at night because Wanda was sleeping and there was a vulnerability. Still, she could push them away with a little concentration.

In the early days, it was easier. She could still remember the warmth of your skin, the feel of your lips on hers, or the sound of your laughter. Most importantly, she could remember the sound of your voice, telling her that you would come back for her.

But as she went back to her studies, the memories she had of you began to poison her mind. Your whispers were replaced by harsh voices, quoting truths to break her fantasies, until the little calendar she used to count the days was completely forgotten on the wall.

Spy if you don't believe us. She's not coming back. Ever.

Wanda gasped softly this time. She was growing powerful every day, in an almost unrelenting way. It would be frightening if the voices didn't say that this is exactly how it has to be, this is what she was made for.

Your children need you, and you get attached to someone who doesn't even remember you exist. Come on, Wanda, take a peek.

When did it get so hard to push the voices away?

She controlled her breathing again while she was floating on air. She heard a giggle in her head.

Fine. I'll do it myself. Open your eyes.

Wanda blinked and was no longer in her hut studying, but in a living room. She looked around in confusion, but her body froze when she saw you.

You were wearing casual clothes, and you had a bucket of popcorn in your hands. You smiled, and Wanda felt her chest heat up, her eyes filled with tears.

"Y/N..." She started but fell silent when someone walked by her side.

"Wow, careful with the popcorn, honey, we don't want to make a mess." You warned when the little girl who grabbed your ankle. Without difficulty, you held the bucket with one hand and took the child on your lap. "Now, where has your sister gone?"

With that, a little girl came running from the stairs, wearing a Captain America hat.

"Mommy I went to get my helmet!" She explained coming down all the steps until she joined you, and the other little girl. Wanda shuddered as you approached, but you walked straight past her to sit on the couch.

"Come on the parade has already started." You said sitting them down on the couch, each on your own side.

"Is mommy going to be there too?" The smallest little girl asked, and you slipped an arm over her shoulder.

"Yes, honey, all the avengers fallen in battle appear at the memorial." You explained. "And then comes the tributes and then the games. When you were older, I'll take you to participate."

"How much older?" The other girl asked and you laughed lightly.

"Humm... when you're about this heigh." You said raising your arm high and making them laugh.

I told you.

You warned the voice in Wanda's head again, and she felt her face wet.

She looked for her family. You should look for yours.

–//–

You fell asleep after twelve hours.

By this point, you knew that your execution was all but confirmed, especially since dinner was particularly tasty. Shuri showed up too, for a so-called standard check-up - which you were sure was just a monitoring grading on your pre-execution skills, so that the council would know exactly how to handle your magic and be able to effectively complete your sentence - and then you were left alone again.

As the hours turned into days, you began to despair. The promise of death didn't exactly put anyone at ease after all.

"They're trying to break you." You nearly fell out of bed in fright when Jean Grey's voice sounded outside the cell. Getting up quickly, you approached the edge to speak to her.

"I can't believe they called you. Low blow." You remarked, but Jean only giggled, approaching the lock and not caring about the robotic guards clearly unhappy with her actions, she unlocked it and entered the cell. You hugged her immediately, and she reciprocated, tightening her arms around your waist for a moment.

"Natasha sends her regards too, Y/N." She commented as soon as she let go of you. "The council didn't authorize her visit."

"I figured they would only let someone who could contain me." You retort and she sighs in agreement. "How are things?"

"Complicated as usual." Jean returns with a chuckle that makes you smile. "You know how it is. We're never completely at peace."

You sigh, nodding. "I'd like to help."

"You have bigger problems." She says nudging your shoulder so you can sit next to her on her bed. "What I said before, you know it's true, don't you? Charles is stalling the council, delaying a decision as long as possible. He's asked the heroes to testify on your behalf. Mordo thinks the time here will make you accept the oath."

You laugh incredulously, running a hand over your face. "That's the sickest thing they've ever done, I swear to god. I would never accept it, Jean. Never."

"I know."

"How can they...wait what?"

Jean smiles. "Y/N, Wanda had been my roommate for years at the institute. We had our differences, but we managed to be friends in the end. I was at your wedding, I saw in your eyes as you said your vows that you meant it. She was your universe. You would never accept to hurt her, any version of her." Jean recalls, moving her hand to yours. "When we lost her, and you did what you did, those who were close to you were the only ones who really understood. It was a very unfair and abrupt loss. It would have left anyone traumatized."

"There is no justification for what I did, Jean."

"But there is, Y/N." She insists sadly. "I think me, as your friend, and the Avengers too failed to show that you were not alone. Everyone was really shaken up, but Wanda was everything to you. And when you lost her, nobody was there to tell you that there was still hope. Anyone with your power would have lost control."

You sniffled softly, looking away. "I'm not looking for forgiveness for that, Jean. It's over, there's no fixing it. Everything I could do to lessen my mistakes, from building this place to giving up my magic, I've done it. I guess all that's left now is for me to accept my sentence."

Jean denies it with her head. "Wanda died for you, Y/N. And she didn't do it for you to throw it all away."

You give a tearful laugh, running your hands through your hair. "I'm so tired." You confess with emotion. "It feels like there's this wave going over me. I can never get up, it keeps me just over the edge. Always in agony as if I'm going to drown at any moment, and I think...I think I just need to dive in once."

"Wanda wouldn't want this…”

"Wanda's not here!" You cut in an angry exclamation, getting up. Jean sighs, and you stand back to wipe away your tears. You take a deep breath, and after a moment, you say, "I'm sorry."

"Don't worry about it." She says with a sad smile. "Do you know they made a statue of her? On the battlefield, next to Tony's."

You sniffle, looking back at her. "It sounds honorable, and over the top. She would have loved it."

Jean gives a short laugh. "Yeah, she would have." She agrees, making you smile. There is a moment of silence between you, before Jean sighs and says, "You can't die, Y/N. It's not right."

You swallow dryly, looking away to the floor. "Jean, I've done so many wrong things." You say. "Ever since I got this power, I've only used it irresponsibly and selfishly. All that pain I caused, the risk everyone was at. All of you would be dead if Wanda didn't stop me, and sacrificed herself. Again. I just... it's disrespectful to her not to think of the greater good."

Jean stood up, placing her hands on your shoulders. "Ever since you became guardian, you've been tiptoeing, apologizing for existing. It's not a fair life, Y/N. Wanda knew this, I know this, and so do you. Yet she sacrificed everything for you to be here today, and you want to throw it all away because some old people are saying you need to ask permission to be here?" she comments with a certain irony. "You're the fucking guardian of the multiverse. They're the ones who should be judged by you."

You give her a small smile, shaking your head. "Am I talking to Jean or the Phoenix?"

She laughs short. "We are the same, and thanks to you, I know my place. You always told me not to fear my power, didn't you? Not to let Charles, or anyone, take advantage of it. I listened to you, and now I think you should do the same."

"I don't want to lose control again, Jean." You confess sadly. "It wouldn't be fair to anyone."

"Then look for the one person who kept you in control of your powers." She suggests squeezing your shoulders a little. "You have to find your scarlet witch."

"But she doesn't belong in this universe..."

"And neither do you. Nor to this one, nor to any." Jean argues with a small smile. "The guardian and the ruler of the Multiverse, Y/N. You don't belong anywhere but to each other."

You give Jean a tearful smile, hugging her tightly afterward. "So cheesy." You murmur against her red hair, making her laugh.

"I'll miss you, troublemaker." She says as she squeezes.

"I'll miss you too, Jean." You say before letting go. "What are you going to tell the others?"

"That you went home." She replies making you smile.

As soon as you left Jean, and the alarm that your cell was empty sounded around the entire facility, you started running.

Traveling in the Multiverse was top magic, forbidden in the tiniest instances of basically every place you knew. So the only name that popped into your mind of someone who didn't give a damn about Illuminati laws was Agatha Harkness.

The last you knew of her was a few years ago, seen in a fight with a Scottish demon before Illuminati personnel came after her and she disappeared. It was your best lead, so you used your magic to hide and go investigate.

You were somewhere in the north of the UK, trying to get a hot dog without paying and alerting the vendor when something tore reality in front of you. The next second, a girl fell out of the hole and on top of you, and the confusion was such that the vendor was screaming and calling the police and you grumbled loudly.

"This is getting tiring." You ironized over the crack closing up. The girl looked around startled, seeing the movement, and prepared to run. You grabbed her by the arm. "Not so fast." You said, but seeing that the police guards had an electronic bulletin board with your picture on it, you swallowed dryly. "Actually, run." You told her nodding your head to the next alley and the girl wasted no time in following your cue, both of you turning at high speed.

You lost the guards many minutes later, between one alley and another when you used illusionary magic to make them see your figures running to the opposite side.

Gasping for breath, you one your hands on your stomach and looked at the child in front of you.

"Good job." You complimented getting a breathless chuckle. "Now if you don't mind, who are you?"

"You're a witch." She ignores your question, in an impressive and weary statement.

"No, I'm a sorceress."

"What's the difference?"

"Witches are much cooler." You comment with a chuckle. You tilt your head to look beyond the alley and check if you have really lost sight of the guards. "Let's get out of here, they can track my magic signature."

"Wow, really? How?"

"I taught them." You mutter, turning around and patting her shoulder to guide the direction. "I'm Y/N, by the way. If you don't have a name, we can make one up for you. Quick feet or cool jacket sounds good."

The girl chuckled, shaking her head. "My name is America Chavez."

You hum, looking out at the busy street. "Well, Chavez you just tore reality apart in a place that hates that short of magic and has serious problems with extreme security. But luckily you fell on the person who created half the surveillance items." You snicker a little, causing her to look at you curiously. "Let's go around town on the sidewalk, stay close okay?"

You guided the girl for about fifteen minutes, figuring that the biggest problem you could get into was angry guards.

Nothing prepared you for an interdimensional monster emerging from the culvert.

"What the fuck?" you exclaimed as the creature exploded halfway down the sidewalk a few feet away, causing an immediate commotion. The city alarm immediately rang and people started running and pushing.

"Okay, quick story, I've been running from monsters like this for at least two weeks, or days, time is relative. Do you think you can help me?" America speaks quickly next to you, and you widen your eyes as the creature starts grabbing at nearby vehicles, seeming to be furious that it is being surrounded by the nearest policeman.

You didn't quite believe it, until the monster scanned the place and set its eyes on America, letting out a frightening howl as it did so.

"Okay, I guess that's goodbye to staying stealthy." You sneer and only have time to push America away from the car that is thrown in your direction.

One of the guards recognizes you in the middle of the commotion, and whistles. "It's Y/N L/N! She brought the monster here!"

You let out an incredulous grumble. "Unbelievable." You say pulling America by the hand so you two can run away.

The monster gets angrier at the departure, and you listen to the mess escalate. But you don't stop running until you and America have found a dead end.

"Okay, focus." You say to yourself, raising your hands in the air. "Come on, you can do this Y/N. A portal to save your life."

"What are you doing?" America questioned impatiently, looking back and listening to the creature approach.

"I'm trying to make a teleportation portal, but I'm terrible at those so give me a minute."

"It's not me you need to ask for a time-out!" She shouts pointing back. An exclamation of desperation escapes her mouth as she sees the creature at the entrance to the alley, looking furious and with blood on its tentacles that is sure to be from the guards who are nowhere to be found.

"Shit, shit, shit." You grumble, fingers glowing with golden magic but too unstable to form anything.

A tentacle moves forward and destroys the wall beside you. Your immediate reaction is to cast a spell to protect America from the rubble, but you barely have time to conjure the protection - a blue portal appears behind her and the girl grabs your wrist, pulling you in with her.

You stumble inside, and the portal closes. America has her hands on her knees, breathing heavily.

"You curse a lot around children, and you're a very bad sorceress." She accuses but you are looking in shock at your surroundings.

"Where...?" You start breathlessly, incredulous at what you are seeing. It's definitely not the UK, you have doubts it's Earth.

"I think that's why they are looking for me." America continues as she sees your expression. "I can travel through the multiverse."

You look at her incredulously and then burst into laughter. America crosses her arms.

"Not a fucking chance." You retort wiping away tears of laughter.

"I'm serious."

"Bullshit."

She sighs angrily, making a pout. You roll your eyes. "America, there is not the slightest possibility that you could travel through the multiverse. The amount of energy that would require or magical knowledge and- OH MY GOD IS THAT A TIGER?" You cut yourself off half a sentence with an impressed shout when your gaze meets a bus at the end of the street. The most fascinating thing is the tiger in a suit coming down.

It is obvious that is the end of rush hour, in a few seconds the public transport is emptying out, and not humans, but various animals dressed as real people get off.

America gives an impressed giggle. "Wow, I've never been in a place like this."

"How the hell did you get us into Zootopia?" You question shrinking behind the teenage girl who didn't seem the least bit scared. America chuckled again.

"Like I said, I can travel through the multiverse." She repeated and you would have said again that it was absurd, if literally a fucking zebra hadn't stopped the walk and looked you both up and down.

"Excuse me for asking, but what kind of animal are you?" Zebra asked, and you let out a startled scream, startling them. America gestured in apology, but the animal rushed off.

"My god, I've gone crazy. That's it, that monster must have hit my head, and I finally lost my mind and-"

"Y/N!" America shook you, snapping her fingers in front of your face. "Just breathe, okay? The first trip is always hard."

"It's not my first trip." You retort still in shock, looking around at the animals passing you, all clearly quite curious about the two humans on the sidewalk. "Maybe that's it, I lost my sanity leaving Earth 616 and this is all a mad fantasy. I just need to meditate and get out of it, calm and focus." You began to grumble, putting your hands under your eyes and repeating that you were dreaming.

America let out an impatient grunt, but before she could say anything, she noticed a few yards behind you a group of sheep whispering to a lion guard - who didn't look happy - and pointing in the direction.

"Okay, if you don't want to revive Lion King now, you better start walking." She warns poking you in the ribs and you let out a confused grumble, but as soon as you look back and see two lions dressed as policemen you stumble.

"Okay, this is insanity." You say grabbing America's hand. "Do your trick, please."

"Now do you believe me?"

"I'll believe anything if you get me out of a Disney movie."

America laughs, shaking her head, and you feel the portal open behind you. This time as you walk through, you recognize that you are somewhere in London because of the red buses.

The gratitude turns into a grumble as you feel a wave of nausea and bend your body to put your hands on your knees.

"Hey, take a deep breath. Travel is always hard." Comments the girl patting you on the back. "You just have to remember to keep your mouth closed and breathe through your nose."

You hum in understanding, but it takes a good few minutes to settle your stomach. Chavez has led you into an alley, and you lean on the wall as you wait.

"Thanks for saving us from the lions." You comment half-heartedly. She smiles.

"Thanks for saving me from the guards on your world."

"Well, you did save us from the ugly beast so I guess by the score, I owe you one." You retort good-naturedly, looking around. "Well, America Chavez, I'm starving. Can I buy you a hamburger and you tell me exactly about this interdimensional teleportation thing you have?"

"If you promise not to freak out again."

"I'll only make promises after I'm sure the waiter doesn't have tails." You retort making her laugh.

–//–

Fortunately, Chavez has taken you to a definitely human universe. And with delicious hamburgers that you can buy with magic drachmas, which was perhaps not such a good sign.

She had just briefly explained about her powers and was chewing after one huge bite while you absorbed it all.

"America, this is insane." You stated then, looking at her seriously. "Are you feeling all right? I was serious about the amount of energy for something like this. Dimensional travel is an impressive thing to pull off, in theory, it should blow your body to pieces. And you're here, telling me you did it for the first time when you were a little kid."

"Look, I don't know how I can do it, I just know I can." She retorted, half-heartedly at the concern you showed in your voice. "It started when I was little and so far, the only problem is that I haven't been able to get back."

"What do you mean?"

"I can only go forward. In the universes I go, you know? I can't go back to the one I came from, and that really sucks, because all I want is to go home." She declares upset, turning her gaze back to her food. You swallow dryly.

"I understand the feeling." You murmur offering a small smile as she looks at you.

"I'm sorry for taking you out of your universe." She says and you make a confused face, then laugh, realizing that she understood that you were talking about your earth.

"Oh, don't worry about that old place." You assure her with a smile. "Home is hardly a place, America. It's about people. And well, before you found me, I was going after a witch of questionable morals to ask if she knew of any way for me to teleport to another universe. It was almost as if fate had brought you to me."

"Actually it was a seven-headed monster." She joked, making you laugh too.

"Well, in any case, you're here. " You say. "And well, if you want to help me, we can make a deal."

"What kind of deal?"

"Well, despite your first impression, I'm not a bad sorceress. I'm pretty good actually. It's just the teleportation spells that are difficult because I have trouble imagining and focusing in the places I have to go." You explain. "But I can help you train your powers and you help me get to Earth 616."

"I have no idea what that earth looks like, Y/N." She says half unsure, but you give her an assuring smile.

"Hey, don't worry, we'll do it in your own time, okay?" You assure her. "You're doing me a huge favor, and I'm happy to help you with the teleportation. Let's try one universe at a time, and who knows, maybe one day we'll get where we want to go."

"What about the monsters?"

You let out a soft exclamation. "Well, excuse me, but I happen to be an excellent warrior."

"I've only seen you run around and freak out over a zebra so far." She recalls getting an exclamation of false offense from you.

"That's it, no more French fries for you." You grumble extending your hand as she laughs.

–//–

The voices in Wanda's head were growing as impatient as she was.

In fact, the witch was practically reaching despair.

The nightmares started 42 days after you left her universe. It was suffocating and frightening.

It got worse and worse by the second, and somehow, at first, she thought that studying all day muffled the whispers in her head, but eventually, she realized that the only voice getting quieter was her own.

After the 157th day, she could only hear the screams of her own children.

It took you 324 days to reach Earth 616. Wanda felt you the very second you stepped into that universe, but she didn't know you were there just for that. She saw you coming through the eyes of the monster you killed.

"Wow, five points for me!" You celebrated as the creature's head fell at your feet, green blood staining all your clothes. America laughed, jumping over the beast to return the High-Five.

"That wasn't very fair, you saw it coming." She commented as she cleaned the dagger you had gifted her, many weeks before.

"Oh please, it's not my fault that you were distracted by the sweet donuts we found. Almost a hundred and fifty universes and you're still impressed with chocolate." You teased receiving a gentle nudge from the girl. Her gaze went to the city you were now in, and you let out a soft exclamation. "Wait, this is New York City."

"You are from a variant of this one aren’t you?" America commented receiving a mumble in agreement. You were already concentrating on trying to sense Wanda, but let out a sigh at the lack of response.

"Sorry Chavez, still not this one." You mutter annoyed, forcing a smile at seeing the other girl's disappointment. "Hey, don't be discouraged. We'll find it, and you did a great job, little demon slayer. Let's find somewhere to clean up and eat before we go."

"Alright." She mumbled following you.

You got a room at a corner motel - This universe looked just like yours, and though the money had run out about a dozen worlds ago, nothing a few magic tricks couldn't fix - and after getting a bed, this because you never left America alone for fear she'd be attacked and you wouldn't be around, you gave her a playful shove towards the bathroom, saying that monster blood stank. She laughed, grimacing and saying that you were as bad as she was but obeyed.

After America left the bathroom with clean clothes that you got for her, you headed toward the commode.

"Scream if any monsters appear under the bed." You taunted getting a roll of the eyes, although you both knew that in the last few days, the frequency of enemies had increased greatly.

You quickly washed, making sure that no green slime remained on your skin before you left the shower stall. You had a towel around your body and were standing in front of the sink intending to check your face for bruises when you felt all the hairs on the back of your neck shiver at once.

You could feel Wanda. Very weak indeed, almost nonexistent, but she was there. And then it just faded away. You blinked in confusion at your own reflection and tried to concentrate, to feel her again. But nothing.

You dressed in record time and stumbled out of the room with a thoughtful frown.

"What do you think about us ordering pizza?" America asked upside down, lying on the mattress. But seeing your expression, she looked at you with concern. "Hey, what's wrong?"

"I felt her." You said and she gave a short laugh.

"Okay?"

"I'm serious, kiddo."

America propped herself up on the bed, with an expression kind of unsure about everything. "Well, Y/N, it's not the first time, right? You felt her in that land of the mad scientists, and the Viking one. But you only found the variants that I still don't understand why you didn't want to date, and we ended up facing some pretty badass monsters over there."

You scratched behind your neck, a thoughtful expression as you moved to sit on the couch. "I know, Chavez. It's just...it was different now. What if we're in the right place and I miss my chance?"

"Let's investigate then."

"But what if I'm only leading us to a worse monster than before?" You reason with certain guilt. "I don't want to put you in unnecessary danger."

America smiles, half surprised. "Y/N, don't worry about it. You are literally the only person who has tried to help me in the last few months running away from these creatures. You know I tried this Doctor Strange guy and he kind of betrayed me and it was a pretty mess thing-"

"Oh my god, that's it!" You interrupt her by getting up and making an apologetic expression immediately. "Forgive me, I know the story and you can tell it again on the way. If there is one place I can drop you off safely it is at the Kamar Taj. A bunch of sorcerers to help us."

America frowns slightly. "You're going to leave me there?"

You give a confused laugh, "What? No, of course not! Well, not forever at least. I wouldn't want to take you straight to another huge monster, but I don't want to leave you alone in an unknown universe with no one who can protect you while I investigate whether the Wanda here is my Wanda."

"But how can you be sure they will help us?" America asks and you smile, moving to arrange the sofa bed for you.

"I keep telling you that I am an important sorceress, and you still don't believe me, do you?"

"I see you get caramel syrup all over yourself every time we have waffles for breakfast, miss important sorceress." She retorts with an unimpressed face and you laugh, moving to throw a pillow at her.

--//--

#wanda maximoff x reader #wanda x reader #elizabeth olsen x reader #wanda x you #wanda maximoff x you #Rulers of The Multiverse #marvel imagines #wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff imagines

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