#all that matters is that life is less exhausting when I accept myself for who I am

[notabled-noodle]

you know what? sometimes hegemony and cultural expectations influence how I behave. sometimes they influence my desires. but it's just impossible to know on a deep level how much of who you are and what you want is because society taught you to be and want those things.

maybe I'm non-binary and transmasc because society taught me that being a woman is bad, or because society has such a strict definition of womanhood... but how am I supposed to know that? how am I supposed to be able to tell the difference between "real" desires and desires given to me by society?

it's exhausting to question everything all the time. so I just want to say that you're not a bad person if you give up on trying to figure it out, and decide to just do what feels right for you. you're allowed to enjoy things, and you're allowed to just be who you are

#transmasc #trans #uhhhh yeah #basically. idgaf if radfems are right about WHY I'm trans #all that matters is that life is less exhausting when I accept myself for who I am #whatever

[drdemonprince]

if you ever have the time and space to answer this i'd be very thankful

how can i take any let downs by friends less personal and continue giving people chances/inviting them in and being vulnerable without hurting myself/gettung hurt in the process? i'm guessing the answer is to find a balance, but are there ways to go about it easier? no matter how much i try to communicate and and manage expectations... i appreciate my friends greatly, but still i often feel let down when they cant come to things that are important to me though i understand that things can happen and theres usually reasons for not being able to make something and i am not their priority number one in a system that exhausts all of us- it just keeps happening and i don't want to grow bitter and alone but cherish the people in my life and trust they are trying their best

I think you can start by practicing being more flaky and unreliable and more reliant up on your friends' grace as well! When we feel resentful, it is often a sign that we are doing far too much, and not having our needs cared for. I used to be one of the most reliable mother fuckers around -- it was my senior superlative, actually, Most Reliable! ha! -- and I resented just about everyone for being less put together, less likely to follow through, less prone to doing what they said and saying what they'd do than me. I was a bitter little Type A overachieving cunt who considered myself superior to everyone (in part because my hyper literal Autistic ass believed that if you said you were going to do something, that meant you absolutely Had to Do It and Why Would Anybody Lie about a thing like that?)

Today I am a fuckin MESS and I am a much better person for it. I amble up just barely on time, I cancel plans, I forget things, I tell someone I can't make it even if in the most literal sense I could but I don't feel like it -- and many of my friends are tired, spent, fuzzy brained exhausted messes too! And it's fine! I have some friends that I regularly rely upon to cancel our plans because it frees up a little extra room in my schedule that I always wind up needing. I'm not mad or disappointed in them for bailing, my ass is relieved because I definitely have some shit to get to myself and probably four other people that I'm kinda letting down at the moment. It's not that any of us lack concern for one another, that's just what being a busy adult is in this day and age. We have work and creative pursuits and lots of friends and fucking and exercise and tile to regrout. Shit happens. It's not a big deal if I end up needing to see the movie solo or if we need to reschedule our breakfast date. Shit happens. I have too many actual problems to make a problem out of someone having a hangover and not being able to show up to my birthday or whatever. I missed their birthday last year, but I'll make it there this year, and maybe next time they'll make mine, too. The grace of accepting chaos washes it all away. My friends are my fellow comrades in the fuckin trenches and we each get to make one another's tours a little less miserable by understanding shit's crazy and fucked and that none of it is personal and that at the end, we still love eachother and are doing our best.

With time, may you find that kind of serenity and that ability to just keep on moving in life rather than fixating on the little slights and unpredictable things that will happen whether we fight them or not. Don't read too much into anyone's cancellation of plans or lateness or flakiness. Put your mind toward more interesting problems in your life, ones that some thinking can help solve. Easier said than done, but you'll get there. If my bitter anal retentive ass could become so sloppy and lovingly blase so can you!

[donnerpartyofone]

Sometimes life takes on the thematic consistency of a movie, and this is always thrilling even if you know intellectually that all of your impulses and machinations have to come from the same subconscious place.

At the beginning of the week I saw an interesting horoscope prompt to write an obituary for your past self and bury it in the ground. I decided to do this, perhaps because I have been burning for change for several years now on a level that has been making me much more insane than I already am. I thought it would feel forced and pretentious to write the obit, but it was really easy, particularly easy to see what the "past self" consists of when I notice all the things I do now that I couldn't before. It was a good feeling, that it was so obvious to me what to write. I buried it where we spread our lizard's ashes, a place where there is a view of the Statue of Liberty. Sometimes I hang around there and analyze what "liberty" means to me in a culture where we often take it for granted as a foundational principle, even though this isn't very true in practice.

It happened to be the summer solstice. On midsummer's eve I had been strangely full of energy. Someone posted a section of coptic midnight praise music, so I got out of bed and listened to that on repeat for about an hour before getting two or three hours of sleep. I woke up around dawn feeling refreshed and experienced no fatigue for the rest of the day. Then I did the writing, and the burial. Oddly (or not), I would spend the next two days finally-finalizing my married name change on every outstanding account. Becoming a different person.

In the night I'd found myself looking at pictures of snakes, my favorite animal since childhood. In the morning I vaguely remembered something having to do with snakes and midsummer; in fact there is a Lithuanian grass snake entity that is supposed to protect the home and bring good fortune, and it is connected with a sun goddess who is naturally celebrated on the solstice. I even remembered that I had some Zaltys-themed perfume in my collection, so I dug that out and enjoyed it, a sunny and snakey smell. My seemingly random snake meditation was well-timed, not only calendrically but because my husband and I have been desperately searching for a new home. We got one the next day.

In less than 24 hours, we viewed an apartment in our (really MY let's be honest) favorite neighborhood, applied to lease it, and were accepted. Of course nothing with me is ever as cut and dried as that, and in reality it took several hours to get my application materials together and do banking bullshit and just stop fucking everything up. I started a post yesterday detailing all this, but now I'm too exhausted to fix it up and post it. Suffice it to say that almost every adult activity is almost Too Hard for me, I wish I understood the world better and I really do try but it's beyond my intellectual functioning, but every time I have to take care of some administrative nonsense I'm like a goldfish passing the same plastic castle like it's brand new. Sometimes it feels like everything I do is the hardest thing I've ever done, and my only source of pride is the willingness to keep doing it.

The apartment is only slightly too expensive, which we will trade for slightly more space in a much nicer neighborhood. We've been sitting on each other's heads in a hilariously small place surrounded by toxic waste (literally) for ten years, and in the last few years it began to feel like something that was holding us back, as people, in life. Like I needed so many things to change about my health, my job situation, my daily routines, my worldly possessions, and it just didn't feel possible for anything to shift in this little place that seemed to be shrinking every day. I became convinced that moving house would trigger all of the other changes, no matter how unrelated they might appear, and I still think this may prove true.

It may not be surprising that I started going to church during this time of constriction, when I could only expand my mind. I find it easy to love the intense fetishism of Catholicism, and its enormous pantheon of different guys with different attributes. It's got more guys than GI Joe, all with cool little backstories. Somewhere I read that you can bother St. Joseph for domestic needs. He is a guy who we know very little about, which is curious because the holy family is such a big deal; it seems that he died sometime before Jesus turned water into wine, but no one knows how. There is an incredible statue of him in Star of the Sea that is epically sad and exhausted-looking, I need to get a picture of him. I actually said a novena to Joseph for the new apartment...so now I guess I'm on the hook! Good thing I confused things by also asking my favor of the Lithuanian snake entity, so I don't have to just become a fanatical Catholic. I'll have to make a little joint altar in the new place for Joseph and the serpent.

While I was changing my name on the last bank account down in the financial district, my husband texted me to say we got the apartment. It was about an hour after we submitted our application. When I stepped outside, I realized I was around the corner from St. Paul's Chapel on Broadway, an ancient-feeling place surrounded by modern steel and concrete and glass. The cemetery that wraps around the building has a view of the Oculus, which presents an extremely strange view that I couldn't get a representative photo of, so all these exteriors are stolen and you'll have to try to imagine what I mean. I did go in, though. The atmosphere is very powerful, a center of oldness and spirit and allegorical thought in the center of this futuristic business orgy. I think that I'd like to be wealthy because of course that's what everyone wants, but also because it would increase my ability to be helpful and contribute to changes I want to see around me. I thought about this while I put some money in the offering slot and lit a candle.

In esoteric thought there is something called an egregore, which is sort of like a large-scale tulpa, an entity that arises from people's collective mental and emotional investment in it; Wall Street has an egregore, and the NFL, and Broadway, and Disney, and so on. St. Paul's Chapel does a great job of announcing itself as the seat of the egregore of New York City. I regret that I couldn't get a picture of this painting without the glare in the middle, although that does add a certain amount of drama. But anyway here we are, back to the concept of Liberty. Here's hoping the new apartment brings lots and lots of growth and change.

[endworldbroadcast]

It isn't really an epiphany to recognise some things can't actually be solved and can only be managed but man, do not enough people tell you how tiring it can actually be to deal with something perpetually even if you've been managing it well.

I know 'fostering negativity' isn't usually a 'healthy' strategy but I think I've taken to openly complaining about my discomforts (well, online, at least: I don't do this in real life) because for a very long time, especially when I was competent enough that 'I can solve this and be done with it' was a reasonable thing for me to believe about myself, I would find I would get endlessly frustrated at problems and emotions that would just not go away.

Something about how indefinite it all was was maddening, not merely the perpetuity but also the very process of it 'ending' and then coming back over and over.

In a way, I've come to accept that there are certain things that I will likely deal with until the day I die and I find going 'well... here it is again... the Miseries...' has made me overall less distressed because it sets up my expectations for me. It doesn't feel like as much of a rocky, volatile back-and-forth but now more of a lingering but overall tolerable hum in the background.

And, perhaps paradoxically, it also makes even my not-actually-that-great pleasant moments feel qualitatively better? I'm not sure how to word this, but like in the past each time I 'solved' the problem it was a sort of intense relief, but one tainted by resignation? Exhaustion? It didn't feel like anything 'good', it just felt like the end of something 'bad'. It's like saying I was happy over narrowly dodging a car.

Now my moments of reprieve are often quite trivial and might even still appear 'sad' to others but to me, even if they're not quite happy, they just feel... okay. They're nice. At the very least, it's enough to curb me from my suicidality no matter how limited.

The thing is, this sort of attitude isn't conducive for relationships. Understandably, nobody wants to be around people who seem consistently depressed. But like, I also think people tend to have it in their heads that chronic problems aren't really chronic, or, perhaps more accurately, that 'managing it well' is one perpetual state as 'chronic' as the problem itself.

#d

[ashleywool]

Hello! Saw the show on Sunday and loved every second! I'm also a non-union performer who is neurodivergent (ADHD with anxiety comorbidity though I suspect it could be something more) and I've lately been struggling with navigating the audition process and its characteristics (loud waiting rooms, disruption of routine, long travel days, over stimulation of NYC itself) with my how my brain works.

I also live a bit far from the city so I usually need to weigh pros and cons when deciding what to go out for. And I find I'm constantly weighing the effects on my mental state against the opportunities it could give me. Are their things you or your cast mates do to help accommodate during situations like that? Do you think their are accommodations that the theatre community could put in place in audition spaces to better include neurodiverse talent?

To be clear, the actual audition part of it never bothers me it's always the easiest part. I just find I feel completely fried by the time I get in the room because of what it took mentally to get myself there.

Either way How to Dance in Ohio is such a breath of fresh air and I hope it manages to find life after Broadway either on tour or in schools or maybe a spot off-broadway. It has so much more good to give.

Ooooof. I feel this. All of it. I'm originally from northern Westchester and I spent many exhausting commutes doing exactly this.

I would honestly say the best thing you can do for yourself is to join Equity if you are eligible. It's a better audition experience all around, you can sign up for appointments in advance on the member portal and view projects that accept self-tapes, AND it will get you in the room for better jobs.

If you aren't eligible yet or just don't feel ready to compete on that level yet, I'd recommend focusing more on local projects over the big NYC cattle calls. I don't know exactly where you live or what your regional/community theatre scene is like, but I do know that those theaters are the ones that are struggling the most right now and could use people who are passionate and want to build their resumes. It's a lot easier to get seen and get cast, you'll be able to keep your day job and not tunnel-vision your life around waiting on line for crappy nonunion tours that charge Broadway prices but pay minimum wage, AND you will likely meet a lot of people who will get to know you much better and more personally than a casting director ever could in a 2-minute window.

Keep in mind, also, that when you walk into a professional audition and a casting director looks at your resume, they don't care how much you were paid for a job or what kind of contract you were on. And they don't care how you got your Equity card. The only people who care about that stuff are bitter judgmental actors who need the gatekeeping to feel better about themselves (and no matter what your answer is, they won't like you anyway). The people who actually matter only care that you're on time, prepared, friendly, open to direction, and right for the role they need.

As for actually doing the professional NYC audition grind, here are some pro-tips:

-Opt for appointments and self-tapes over "open calls" whenever possible.

-CONTINUE being selective about the projects you go out for. Trust me, I did many years of the "throw all the spaghetti at the wall and see what sticks" method, and it doesn't work, and it will only burn you out more.

-Don't overthink your audition material. You don't need exact 16-bar cuts of ten different in your book for every style of musical theatre. You can do the "overdone" songs and monologues if they fit who you are and the roles you can conceivably play. It's New York. Everything is overdone. YOU are not overdone.

-Dress comfortably. Sounds obvious, but it took me way too long to realize that no, really, I do not have to wear heels to an audition. Be strategic with layers.

-Get a rolling suitcase over a backpack. Way less strain.

-Noise. Cancelling. Headphones. Also, make playlists of your "comfort" songs and your "motivation" songs and your "wind-down" songs and your "zone-out" songs so you have predictable, appropriate background noise to whatever you're doing--commuting, waiting in the holding room, eating lunch, etc. Preferably songs that are not from musicals and have nothing to do with whatever shows you're auditioning for. Auditioning is a job and you need a work-life balance there too.

-Do something else in the city unrelated to auditioning or performing. Go to a museum or a park or just a cute coffee shop where you can just EXIST and not perform.

I hope these help <3

#broadway #how to dance in ohio #musical theatre #theatre #auditioning #auditions

[ina-nis]

Other than grieving a life and experiences I’ve missed, I guess I never truly saw it in myself the possibility of change.

It’s hard to see anything when you internalize so much self-contempt - and that’s all normalized and reinforced by how society treats people who are different: you’re “falling behind”, you’re “damaged goods”, your life is over “if you don’t achieve a certain amount of [success] by a certain age“, you’re “strange, off-putting and a creep“, you “should grow up and stop being so childish and immature”, you need to try to fit in not matter the price because otherwise you’ll be excluded, etc...

When you add these sentiments (and so many more) to the fact that they mostly get confirmed by your every interaction with another human being, it’s not an good sign, isn’t it?

Then, you go look for help and it’s all about “reframing” and “focusing on the positives” and “trying to see the good in bad situations/people”, it’s all a simple matter of attitude and perspective - which obviously, isn’t true, things are much more complicated than that and these “solutions” fail to recognize that, no, they might not work for everyone and they’re especially difficult to work for people with Personality Disorders.

Also, behind all the optimism lies a trap that will end up invalidating the issues that remain unaddressed, and are avoided or “reframed” into “good things”.

I’ve been there, believe me, I’ve tried everything I could think of to tackle my loneliness the “right” way.

It didn’t work. And it all became more frustrating and hopeless instead, since I’ve been doing what’s supposed to work - I start blaming myself for not being able to move forward, or I blame others, or I blame myself and others, when the problem is much more complicated and definitely not a blaming game.

The answer is simple: this is not something that can be resolved with “reframing” and “positive thinking”. Doing that can help a person cope, but doesn’t address the issue.

For me, coping isn’t enough anymore. I need more.

And I’m not talking out of some nonsensical desire for a cure or complete remission - realistically, I know my chances are very small! - it’s just that I’d rather focus on the problem at hand and try to do something about it. Considering that’s going nowhere, I’ve been trying to branch out my paths and it’s been an interesting journey.

Recognizing how much loneliness affects me and how much space it takes without trying to see good in it or be optimistic about the prospect of feeling (eventually) less lonely in the future, have been a freeing experience for me.

It fucking sucks, it’s depressing as fuck. I hate it. I don’t want to be alone anymore and I don’t want loneliness to have this much control and space in my life even though I’m well aware it’s completely out of my control. I’m not accepting it, I’m not trying to see the good in it and I’m not trying to reframe the way I feel about it.

For once in my life, I can look at this emotion in the face and be like: fuck you.

The next step was something I was a little bit skeptical about because, well, that feels like enabling the disorder and still using avoidance to cope. That also goes against some of the literature I read about in AvPD and issues of over self-control: looking inwards and doing a lot of introspective work.

This is an interesting one because, yes, it can make things worse. It can enable the disorder even further. It can reinforce avoidance a lot. I guess, for me, it was all a matter of timing: considering I feel like I exhausted my options going outwards and doing the hands-on work externally, and observed that I was still stuck and, worse yet, a lot of that was actually worsening my condition (including the treatment itself), that’s one of those moments you need to actually stop and take a step back.

I started the whole “self-love” thing kind of as a “joke” to try to tackle some of the new triggers and, while (I feel) I never lacked self-love and my self-esteem was not that brittle or small, obviously I could never shake off that feeling of being “inherently inferior” or “different than others”, the latter being something I always took pride on while being aware it is, indeed, something that contributes to my loneliness whether I like/choose it or not.

Surprisingly, doing that helped with the triggers and, as usual, other problems surfaced while the loneliness was still there, still too big and still unaddressed.

The last few days, I feel like there were more, albeit subtle, changes to the way I see myself and deal with this whole thing. I keep thinking about changes.

I’ve been reminded, now and again, that there’s always possibility for change. It doesn’t matter where you’re at, it doesn’t matter how successful or stuck you are: change is still possible.

Of course, it’s still a fragile state of things. Like for example, I remember seeing some news article about a person in her 90s on her deathbed finally coming to terms with being trans, if I’m not mistaken she was buried dressed the way she wished and maybe had her name changed too. It was a change, even if for a very short time, I’m sure it still made her happy.

Some changes are like that... and it triggers me because of the fact that I feel like I “wasted” so much time - I don’t want that kind of situation to happen to me, because I feel like there would be too much regret despite happiness. I guess it would be more accurate to say that I’ve experienced so much loss in my life! It’s no wonder the loneliness takes so much space, it’s no wonder everything else feel so small and meaningless when the prospect of loss is omnipresent. This is probably why I have so many issues with “endings”, so many issues with things that are transitional or conditional and do end, and so many issues with accepting loss as a permanent part of my life and existence - as it is part of everyone’s - loss is most of what have stayed with me, most my memories, most my pain, most of everything. The good doesn’t erase it, the happy memories don’t either, that’s the issue.

With the possibility of change actually in my mind now, I feel like it’s less strenuous to think about pretty much anything: yes, I’ll keep moving forward regardless of all the stress and bad things; yes, I might die single and “friendless”; yes, loneliness might never truly go away or stop having such impact in my life; yes, there’s still more to life than that and I can pursue many things; and so on.

I’m pretty sure this is not enabling avoidance or disordered behaviours, but I might be wrong. All I know is that I’m giving myself some dignity, I’m constantly telling myself that “it’s not over” with my actions and even my thoughts. I’m not trying to think positively out of a bad situation, or letting the bad situation dictate my life, and I’m not trying to solve things the “normal” way or in ways that have “worked” for many people with similar issues because, in the end of the day, it’s not catered for me - yes, trusting my gut can be tricky with the whole trauma and confirmation biases, but I think it’s good enough to say that I followed the regular/usual treatments to the best of my ability and it didn’t work for me in any long-lasting way.

In one way or another, this could be considered “reframing”, huh? It doesn’t matter what it’s called, what’s important to me is to find something that works and that can help me long-term - I know the feelings come and go, I know it could get worse again, I’m still sick and I’ll be sick for the remainder of my life.

Being able to change is freeing.

Change is not success, change isn’t failure either. It’s the perfect nuanced thing I needed all along.

The possibility of changing is something to look forward to, a goal to set and achieve, a future that could be soon or far away but it’ll be there.

Maybe change is the answer I was looking for.

#avpd #avoidance #avoidant #avoidant personality disorder #loneliness #inanis post

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

x. polite because no one deserves to be purposefully treated rudely. kind because kindness keeps a person gentle. sweet because making people smile is uplifting. helpful for the same reason. supportive because if you dont have anything nice to say, it's extremely easy not to say anything at all. above all, do unto others what you would have them do unto you.

o. polite because it's the best way to fade all the way into the background. kind because i'm too afraid to let myself be cruel. sweet because of overwhelming&pathetic desperation to make people happy. helpful because it's too exhausting to cause waves. supportive because other's goals are a great distraction from my own. above all, a smile makes the best camouflage as long as no one can ever see you sweat.

x. lonely+isolated because of mental+physical health restrictions. i miss people-- i miss being surprised, i miss relating to people on any level that isn't abject pain. i miss connection, communion, community.

o. alone+introspective because it pays off to be so. i don't miss people at all-- in fact it is a true sign of growth that it is not my knee-jerk reaction to say that i hate them for everything that (an admittedly small sampling of) people have done to me.

x. i am so terrified of communication at this point, &traumatized by Other People just in general, that i regularly shut my notifications off on everything because the sound of any form of notification ring that i recognize can literally kick off vicious panic attacks and send me running for dark corners, lmao. i am pathetic-- but i am a survivor.

o: i am charming, fun, &social to varying degrees dependent on the work. i am adaptable, everything from the center of attention to support staff with ease. smiling through blood in my mouth&talking to basically anyone for minutes to hours is child's play-- literally, since that is when i learned it.

x. pride over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. made possible by mania, perhaps.

o. shame over the skills i've developed over a lifetime of nonsense. put off by disassociation, definitely.

x. i am kind and small and smiling and invisible. please just leave me alone. please don't even look at me, i literally cannot bear it, i just want to be alone again, please do not hurt me, i will do anything to make you happy if you just promise not to hurt me.

o. i am vicious and bloody and loud, and i will make you look at me, i will make you see me. i will give you a reason for that sneer, &i have no problem giving and taking blood in the process. my blood is worth so much less that i will win this no matter what-- i am braver than you could ever be because i have nothing that i'm afraid i'll lose.

x: i just want to make people smile.

o: i just want to never see another living person ever again.

x: like me, like me, like me. please just like me. i just want to be safe from abject hatred. i just want to be likeable. i can be anything, anyone-- it isn't like i want to keep all my parts, anyway, just tell me what i need to toss to be normal. just tell me what to chop off to be loveable.

o: i will give you every reason to fucking hate me if that is what's going to happen, anyway. i have spent a lifetime becoming who i am, usually against my will-- i can finally look in the mirror without flinching, &i won't let anyone take that away from me. you'll pry my forced self-acceptance out of my cold, dead hands.

x: i have been so lucky. i have been so fucking lucky. every single day i am reminded of all the many ways it could have been worse, things could have been worse, life could have been worse. i am so lucky. i owe the red string everything for letting me finally be someone i like sometimes.

o: i might have been lucky, but somehow i doubt anyone treating my gratitude or happiness like a red flag would be capable of living a day in my life-- or any singular one of the days i've lived thus far. but i can definitely give them a taste if that's what they need to wipe the snide looks off their faces. i'll hate myself after for giving in to the temptation, though. i always do.

x: there's good in everything. if you look for it, there will always be good somewhere. you just need to look. happiness is a conscious decision. kindness is a conscious decision. being a decent person is a perpetual and conscious decision.

o: there's bad in everything, too, and the second i see it, i cannot unsee it. or forgive it, usually. why is it so much easier to see how much people fucking suck?

x: i want perfection. practice, constant effort, dedication-- i need perfection, i'll get perfection. if i can't, what's the point? if there's not even the possibility, what is the fucking point? how am i supposed to live if i know my lifelong goal is&always has been unattainable?

o. perfection isn't an objective possibility. how many times&different ways do i need to fail at the impossible reality before it actually settles in. it isn't possible. i'm dedicating my life to an impossible pursuit. more specifically, i'm committing myself to eternal&constant punishment for failure. why, though. why am i like this.

x. i hate myself so much sometimes i feel like i might actually lose my mind.

o. i am so full of pride sometimes i feel like i might burst at the fucking seams with it all.

x. i am terrified that i'm not capable of living unless it's fighting uphill. who am i without the struggle? who am i past the trauma?

o. if fighting uphill is what made me what i am, what does it matter if i never lose the edge? why should it matter if i need the extra motivation? if i can handle it, why should the struggle be a bad thing?

#so my bipolar diagnosis has been a central theme in my life for the past couple months right. #&i have a really. specific. relationship w my diagnosis lmao. bc its not like i can pretend im not certifiable lmao #but like also this diagnosis up until i literally lost parts of my sanity over turbo had only ever been used for several types #of negligence lmao. #&bc its been a Conversation lately ive been having to reflect on how i feel about it more than i have in. years probably lmao. #&like my thing is i have trouble telling the difference between being an unstable person vs being a complex person. #idk. something something what is the self without the Other? something something tree falls in the woods&no one hears it ect ect. #something something what makes anything real in regards to things so abstract&subjective? #bc until someone actually has the balls to slice me open&test my brain chemistry to put me out of my misery its all just a debate lmao. #idk lots of polarizing thoughts lately maybe. #... as always i dont really have a trigger warning specific for anything but it feels relevant anyway. #........... my doc is gonna have a field day. i dont want new meds but i have a feeling an adjustment is coming soon. 🫠🫠🫠 #on the plus side tho! i have successfully kept my weight up past 105lbs for a solid week. so. solid win in all my other med departments. #(... i just remembered i had a bf once who used to HATE reading all my ramblings lmao he said i talked way too much&it showed. #i'm so fucking happy we broke up before that could actually sink in enough to ruin my big fucking mouth LMAO) #(edit: my doc had a field day lmao.)

[brightgnosis]

I know I complain on here a lot. Mostly it's because this is really my only outlet for the shitty circumstances in my life right now. Despite the complaining, however, I'm not an angry person. Really, I'm happy about 99% of the time; I love looking at the world and seeing the beauty in the joy. I'd probably be dead already by now if I didn't, frankly, because the world and the people in it can be really shitty a lot of the time for various reasons.

I just need to get the bursts of anger and upset out when they occur. Mostly because I know, after 33 years of therapy and dealing with myself, that if I don't, then it festers and becomes a larger problem. And I don't like who I am when I let it fester like that. I don't like what it does to me. So I'd much rather have a place to vent when needed, than keep it all compressed inside. And that's what Tumblr is for, for me: It's my journal. Good and bad, it goes here- and yeah, sometimes it's going to be more bad than good. And you know what? That's honestly okay.

Something I've really begun to notice over the last few months, however, that's started to bother me a lot ... Is just how many people seem to always be angry about everything. Not just angry, though ... How many of them allow their anger to make them spiteful. Hateful. Petty little people. And how many refuse to sit with their anger when it happens, examine it, accept it for what it is, and then release it in a healthy way that helps them rather than continuing to damage the world around them for ultimately no reason.

I don't understand it. And the more I'm exposed to it the older I get, the less I understand it, even ... More, I get tired of it; it's exhausting not just to watch, but to be around; it drains every fiber of my being when the people I talk to are only negative about the things going on in their life; when they never find anything positive (which isn't to say people have to be "sunshine and rainbows" and that there isn't a time and a place to unload. But it is to say that if all you're ever doing is unloading, it's maybe time to reevaluate things); when they only feel the need to constantly fight with everyone around them, or to be petty about what is ultimately stupid and irrelevant shit that really doesn't even matter at the end of it all.

Why keep yourself in those situations? Why not walk away, or block them, and be done with it? Why keep hating? Why keep being cruel, or mean, or spiteful and petty? Why not find something better for yourself? Why?

I'm so tired of fighting with everyone, and everything being a series of unnecessary escalations and extremes all of the time. I'm tired of hate and anger being the only acceptable set of emotions to experience anymore- and of pain seeming to be the only acceptable recourse to those emotions in seemingly any situation; to inflict on others ... There's a much better way.

I really struggle as someone with Bipolar II and a history of abuse, who learned zero appropriate coping mechanisms for anger growing up. And I get the negative hyperfixation and spiraling that comes with ADHD and Autism as someone who's AuDHD too. But I still managed to find it finally, and I'll fight to stay there, tooth and nail ... I just wish others in the world would wake up and find it, too.

#Personal #2023 #Keepsakes #Communicating Beautifully #Being A Better Human Being #Oklahoma

[sllhouettedreams]

Hi, I just read Forehead kisses and wanted to re-read Chasing Tomorrow. My simple question is do you have a backup of what you delete? More importantly why deprive the world of AFTG of such well written fics? Please bring them back 🙏😭

Yes, I have kept what I had written for chasing tomorrow and the two part I had planned afterward. I appreciate you so much for coming to ask about it and show your support. I honestly didn't think people would notice or care enough. While there is a tiny sliver of myself that believed the story just didn't matter to anyone else... the 'why' is really, really complicated.

The official answer is that... Objectively, it's not a very well-written story and I should have spent more time than I did to edit and piece each chapter together. Unfortunately, as I usually do with things I write (with very few exceptions) I began to hate it? Usually, even when I hate things, I don't delete them. But that combined with what little feedback received and a few weird bookmark notes a few people added, I felt uncomfortable leaving it up even as an orphaned story. I also deleted the other AFTG fics I had posted on AO3.

Every few weeks I consider going back to it, to fix it up and finish what I started because I still like the direction I went with it and the interpretation of canon I had planned, but something something seasonal depression. something something long personal story under the cut.

To summarize what's under the cut: I wrote Chasing Tomorrow to deal with a time in my life that was highly emotional and I'm not, currently, in the headspace to revisit or continue with Trusting Tomorrow and Tomorrow, After All (which would be the third post-canon continuation). I really, really do want to, though. Eventually, I will.

This is the sad bit so stop reading if you don't want to read about death, abuse (including sexual), and suicide mention in a long emotional ramble.

So I read AFTG for the first time in May of last year when I got COVID. It was a great distraction from being sick enough I couldn't move. I immediately was obsessed, actually.

Here's the thing, my family is kind of a fractured mess. I lived through poverty, homelessness, and abuse, physical, verbal, emotional, and even sexual. So I related to every single character (particularly andrew and neil, which is common, I think), on some level.

So this outrageous, messed up fucking story, meant a lot to me? As stupid as it sounds, I guess.

Anyways, here comes the sad part.

Literally the next week after I finished reading AFTG, my sister died. At the time, we didn't know what had happened to her and why she died so young-- she struggled with mental health and her disabilities a lot so everyone, even people I didn't know speculated it was suicide as she had attempted it before, more than once. I very nearly deleted my facebook because of the people who contacted me and things they said.

Less than two months later, my dad passed away, too. It was around this time that we finally learned how my sister had died as well. I wasn't on good terms with either my sister or father. I always put off making things right for many reasons. Pride, not enough time, exhaustion, the amount of emotional labor they both had always required, "if they wanted to fix things they would try" blahblahblah. I thought I had more time, see?

I became kind of obsessed with AFTG because well, outside of connecting with the characters, there's the whole motif of death and dying and meeting an inevitable end- not knowing if you have the power to change anything but trying your damnedest anyway, but accepting the worst outcome should it happen. It all seemed very profound to me at the time. And it was a distraction from all the emotions I was dealing with.

But, eventually emotions demand to be felt.

So in between those deaths, I began to write Chasing Tomorrow. It began as an exploration of grief and the burning desire to have changed something, anything, to prevent loss. It was a story that, I felt, was about love and the destruction it leaves behind when the person embodying it dies. About second, third, fourth chances to make things right. If there was a magical moment that could have fixed everything, about going back and not missing it that time.

When it was finished, I had no better understanding of what actually happened, of what I could have done, and what life will be like now without her. It was an outlet, but in the end I didn't get any satisfaction from it.

Writing it out now, and opening up about why I wrote it and what I thought it would do for me, I'm understanding exactly why I resent it now. It feels stupid, actually.

#This is way more than you asked for or expected #but it is the truth #ask

[xblackfinch]

Hi, I hope you’re having a really great day. I need to vent and also need some advice, but I feel I have no one to turn to. Especially no one who isn’t incredibly biased. I moved to NYC for the first time last year with my bf (I turned 21 this year). Our lease is almost up and I’m realizing how debilitating this city has been for me financially. I have no money and especially no money to not only renew my lease that went up by $300, but find another apartment in the city. Another big con is I’m spending so much money to live in a box which would be fine if I had amenities or something. I hate to complain because I truly love it here, but the greed of money hurts so bad. I am mentally ill and there are weeks, even months, where I have a hard time getting out of bed let alone leaving my apartment. This can be hard when you don’t have laundry in unit or building, or a dishwasher and to have those things here it’s even more money. And all I can afford are pre-war buildings like the one I have now that have no ventilation, get mold easy, and get cockroaches. I’m just at a loss because I feel this is the first place I’ve lived in where I’ve connected with people so easily the way I do and I have access as someone who can’t drive due to anxiety. I told my dad about everything and he’s offered to give me a bunch of money every month to support me BUT only if I move somewhere that I’d have similar amount of rent but get more. It’s another big-ish city that I’m familiar with, but I feel like if I go I won’t be happy and I’ll feel shame. Like I’ll be disappointed in myself that I gave up and didn’t try harder with NYC, you know? I just don’t know what decision is best for myself and I have no one to ask who isn’t biased as hell, they all want me to do what benefits them mainly. I feel so torn. All I want is to live comfortably somewhere I feel accepted- and to make younger me proud. New York has shown me that could be that place for me, it’s just so expensive… I don’t want to lose all these amazing things here. :( Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read this. Appreciate you so much ❤️

Wow, well first of all struggling with money is incredibly stressful in any city, much less struggling for money in NYC- a city that offers very little space from being perceived at all times. If you are not used to it, being around so many people all the time can be extremely exhausting so go easy on yourself!

Sometimes, no matter what we want or are willing to endure, our bodies just need something else. It sounds to me like your nervous system needs a break, and some time to calm down and feel safe. I think if you have support from your dad you should take it and try a less expensive city (for now).

You are very young and I promise that you have plenty of time to live in and make deep connections to many cities! Perhaps NYC will be a good fit for you in a few years when you have more stable income- or maybe another city will call to you.

I love NYC! It is an exciting and high energy city with a rich history. It is a global hub in many industries. But if you are not working in an industry that can support you living there- it can be very financially unwelcoming. And if your major desires for a city are having access without a car, and being able to connect to people socially, there are many other cities you may find exciting. You should look for Pre War cities which were built before the car industry ruined american urban planning- like Boston, Philly, or Chicago for example!

Ultimately, you need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself "Am I really enjoying my life here? Or do I just enjoy the status of living in NYC?" Maybe younger you would be impressed that you live in such a "cool" city but I bet younger you would also want you to be happy and excited about your life. And remember you still are "younger you" to the person you will become!

When I was your age I moved to LA and lived there for a couple years but had to move to a medium sized city in my home state for similar reasons. I loved my time in LA and sometimes I was disappointed I couldn't stay, but I have made the closest friends Ive ever had here and started a new exciting career. After 5 years I am now moving to Chicago because I want to live in a big city again!

Whatever you decide- just remember that all things are temporary. You will make it through this tough time and come out with more experience and wisdom! If you choose to leave, it's not because you "gave up" its because you are pursuing what makes you actually happy - and you can always return if you want! I hope this helps, and thanks for reaching out! Let us know what you decide when you do!

#advice #Im a little biased- I am moving to chicago next week bc I want to live in a big walkable city but don't want to pay nyc prices lol!

[mai-melancholia]

30.03.2024: End of the Month! New Month

Context:

I've been dating since I was 16 years old and I've never really had a healthy break in between. I was one of those people who in fact is

and with the recent uprising of these terms that I've come to hear more often (probably because social media is listening to my plights) such as situationships, I'm going to give my two cents on the situation.

*Ahem*

Stop it.

It's not fun. Having your heart played like that, and then after a few dates, the person you're dating is like

"I need to work on myself" or "It's not you, it's me" or "the vibes are off"

Now that isn't to say that ALL people are immature for admitting these things. Absolutely not.

However, the lack of self-awareness that plays into this whole thing of whether or not people are dating for LTR or for pleasure is starting to get mushed together. OR they're dating because they're trying to escape a shame and guilt they felt with their previous relationships (and the funny part is it doesn't even have to be romantic; it can be due to past friendships they've had)

With that being said, this is just based on my experiences of dating, and I was in fact experiencing these feelings of uncertainty.

I think a lot of people are starting to realize that dating is overhyped, and mayhaps it's because it's some American thing, especially with the new terms coming out to describe their romantic preferences AND sexuality preferences. I have personally no qualms of these types of distinction, for I believe these distinctions are important in gaining a better self-understanding of what people want in life.

Now onto the update of my life in this journaling post:

Gym:Yoga:Gym:Yoga:Gym again:Yoga. I've been alternating between the two. Doing full body workouts/exercises and then doing yoga/flexibility/mindfulness the next and so on.

I'm going into my 5th week of therapy and I will say on a scale of 10, 10 being mentally exhausting to the point that you don't want to do anything anymore, 5 being relatively stressful, it's on a good solid 6. However, I will say that my mental resiliency has been improving over the years (which you will not find in the previous journaling).

Group therapy is interesting because there are people who have different walks of life from you and you get to hear their perspective of what they're going through. More importantly, you learn that your pain is universal and that you're not alone. Of course, how you experience the pain is you alone, but the experiences that elicits the pain, you can get insight on how to process it from other people.

There is a part of me that strongly trusts my recovery process. But the majority is dreading it. "Oh I have to go through the recovery from a breakup again." but then it's grappling against "Yeah but you NEVER have been single for a good portion of your life broski."

Listen, it is exhausting. Having to find myself again, find the autonomy, "rebuild" my identity again, and then figuring out, through trial and error, what is "too much" or "too little" in certain things like healing and then having to reframe your thoughts and battle cognitive distortions. My typical schedule is Monday through friday: therrapy in the morning, work in the evening, gym, sleep, do it all over again. Saturday and Sunday are the only days so far that I have any free time to myself. Therapy treatment will last for 8 weeks BUT I will not lie to you that during the first week of therapy treatment, I wanted to run the fuck away from the anxiety because it's like

"Oh it's happening again."

And then

some part of me was just like

"Okay bro, but like... you're going to get anxious no matter what. Like sis. This isn't it. You can't keep avoiding like you did before."

It wasn't until that acceptance that the anxiety, although still lingering, became less intense for me. Like, I'm accepting that when I go to sleep, I'm going to wake up anxious, no matter what I do; I'm going to go outside and something is going to trigger me, no matter what I do; the point is I'm going to feel a type of way when something triggers the shit out of me or reminds me of the previous relationships. Don't get me wrong, it sucks, nor am I forcing myself back to normality or like pretend that the triggers don't upset me, but it sucks even more for me to be afraid of that and avoid everything in life and simply stop attempting to live while recovering from the anxiety.

By no means, am I ignoring my emotions and honestly, I'm tired of doing that to myself. I did that for a good chunk of my life, and it's time that I address my emotions in the respect that I deserve. I'm 27. So you can imagine how much of my life I've been dating if I've started when I was like 16. Maybe even longer.

I'm starting to advocate myself more. And I'll be honest, I'm unsure of when in my entire life, I've ever done that. I've always struggled of doing it but not in the respect or degree that I would deem acceptable.

Cheers to my single life. I care not anymore for dating. If it happens, it happens, but I have no strong urge or pressure from society to do it.

#single #gym #recovering codependent #mental health #relationship #life #opinion #self care #my journal #acceptance #healing #gratitude #awareness

[tirelesslytenderthoughts]

i wrote this 7 weeks ago on my main tumblr after finished reading Rilke. i thought i might as well include it here after the longest time of not writing. here it goes–

i feel like writing my thoughts now that the season is mellow and rainy and cosy and everything else in between that fits the category.

my readings and books that i have read did not really evolve and the amount have become concernedly little. that only means life has taken its toll on me ever since. yet i continue and do not wish it to cease.

the age of 30 to me equals to the age of no longer accepting immaturity in any way but having only a year ahead of me before i turn to the said significant year proves me otherwise, though not completely. was i terrified of getting old? not really. i was quite adamant about it but the journey in completing my masters degree together with the process of getting married helped me shape quite an optimistic perspective, and here i am feeling thrilled as ever.

i feel like i’m allowed to start fresh all over again though nobody is stopping me. when understanding things flow better as i age, my worries become much less. don’t get me wrong, overthinking is never my companion but i’m guessing i have always been calculative around people over how i react and feel. being attentive is generally exhausting but now that i’m aware of how and who to give my time to, i’m more calm and it soothes my soul so much. this space i have in my heart for my loved ones sometimes aches but i frequently remind myself that god has ways to show me things and it’s my chore to process for my own betterment. that’s just how i learn to live.

imperfection is another matter that i try to live without. i learn to let go of things well by watching other people do it flawlessly. maybe there’s a moment i ridicule their selfish act, but through and through, i consider it a knowledge so i know when to hold myself back from reacting impulsively. for the record, i have been impulsive for the past years and let me tell you that being impulsive and attentive altogether would give you pain and sting to the head. 

i just finished reading Rilke’s letters. he preached on solitude for the betterment of one’s own, and as a hasty person reading them feels nothing but a soft slap in the face. though it’s precisely on creativity, i still took it personally. the thing about change is that i’m scared of losing myself along the way, be it marriage or aging or whatever that’s coming. let’s put it this way; i have this bell at the back of my head reminding me that if i act decisively, i might regret soon and if i’m indecisive, nothing is done and i’m insensible. 

no idea where this is going at all but 2023 has been the year that i collected pails of tears, not because of any loss so far alhamdulillah, but ironically, in knowing things and unveiling the (open) secrets that were always there for me to move forward and to be in the next stage of life comfortably. as fruit needs time in the sun to ripen, i pat myself on the back for braving through the unpleasant weight to feel this fulfilled at this moment in time, therefore grateful nonetheless. 

i’m sure there will be more thoughts i’ll be pouring down from now onwards as god has always been nice to me and life makes its own turns and twists when i believe it to be.

this feels nice. i shall do this more often.

the time is 18:06 and chore, responsibilities, and the love of my life are calling me. and i have never felt the unfeigned delight to be in their service. this surprises me, too. just like life does when perspectives undergo a sea change.

yours sincerely, x

[rgthoughts]

09/12/2023

I've had such a high expectation for myself and others in my life, overall everyone around me. I learned one of my strongest WHY's is I am not an ordinary person. I know I am made for greatness and I believe that for not only myself but everyone else around me. I have compassion and understanding of people but it also hurts when things don't go the way I imagined. I guess that's the challenge I am faced with. I grew up always having a plan, the obvious plan and having a back up knowing how things could possibly go. I shoot for the main plan because it typically is the best plan and route. But I figure thats never how life is supposed to go. Life happens and situations happen the exact opposite or just anything else other than the original plan you have set in place. I always lived on stress and last minute because things never go as planned for me. I bet a lot of people would relate to that. I may sound like a typical human being, but thats where I know I am not just a simple, typical, ordinary human being. I truly believe I can make things happen exactly how I have it planned. - insert God laughing here - Exactly. I still have yet to find my purpose in this life. I just know that for who I am, I know God is on my side but yet, the problem is I am not full heartedly leaving my life in His hands, trusting God. The problem there became present recently and I realized, I don't have the relationship and connection fully with God. I always felt I was one of God's special angel's on this earth. I always felt protected but I took too much advantage of that type of feeling that I probably and possibly left the ones that matter most to me tired, exhausted, working so hard - to make me happy and I've lost gratitude or at least with showing them. I always feel like I need the credit when I'm not doing more than even half of what others do for me. I am spoiled, I am given everything I want and need. Yet, I feel dissatisfied. Where is all this coming from? I get into this dark place where I feel I'm being blamed and I act out just so someone can just console me and tell me I am the greatest thing. I don't even know how it feels to hear those type of words/feelings. I do remember when I did hear them, I'd feel bashful, I'd feel its not real, I don't just accept the kindness of what people truly feel towards me. I never believed it. I know I am loved, I am cherished, I am important. I guess it comes from believing. I don't believe it myself. This is where I get present to the lack of belief in myself and if I can truly be who God already has chosen for myself to be. I have good - GREAT things in my life. I always yearn for more. Am I working towards it though? Am I really putting the effort? I don't like the thought of settling for any less, yet -- does it reflect in what I do everyday? Is there anything I am doing physically/mentally to really go after what I say I truly want? Its the beliefs I've set in my mind that no matter what, God is there and He will take care of it. So yes, I sit back and sometimes not do anything until it comes down to making it happen based on urgency. I hate this way of living because the feelings that go through my heart, mind, body - I feel low, I feel like giving up. I know God is giving me the strength at the last stretch and most likely He's been giving me the strength and pouring on me his blessings and grace but I'm not hearing Him - He may be tired of it too how I choose to move forward, the choices I've been making thinking this is the way He was choosing for me to live. Correction - I haven't been hearing Him. I haven't accepted His grace. I haven't left my trust in Him. -- Actually, haven't really left trust in anyone, really but worse kus He is our almighty powerful God. I keep saying, I'm still discovering myself, discovering this life, discovering what I need to do when in reality, its right there in front of me. JUST DO. Why am I so hard-headed, the only one in my way is me.

I pray, God, to be a better mother. I pray, God, to be a better partner/lover. I pray, God, to be a better sister. I pray, God, to be a better daughter. I pray, God, to be a better person. I pray, God, to have complete confidence. I pray, God, to be someone to inspire others. I pray, God, to be someone that makes a difference in this life. I pray, God, to trust others around me. I pray, God, to stand out of my own way. I pray, God, to love whole heartedly, genuinely. I pray, God, to be proud of myself. I pray, God, to be free from any distractions. I pray, God, to be free from negativity. I pray, God, to be free from the stories and making meaning to things that can possibly tear me down and others around me. I pray, God, to reach success in all areas of my life. I pray, God, to be present; Feel the happiness, joy, excitement of life. I pray, God, to truly believe in you and myself. I pray, God, to clear my mind and hear you. I pray, God, to let go and just trust.

Amen. Looking to you for guidance and an open ear and heart to hear you. I will do as you say. I pray to give in to you and accept the help, guidance, the direction. Love, your angel: RG.

[dxsturbia]

Nobody but the apartment people nobody ever gives me any time I have to do the surgery now because I’m 10 and I’ll go through puberty which is exactly why you should’ve waited and let my body change first because it really doesn’t matter when you start it’s just about can you get through it Brenda was still going through hers in high school

But I don’t have an accessible bathroom so it’s all my fault I don’t wanna walk no honestly I don’t is it so hard to believe that I like myself and I’m comfortable in my identity and I like my wheelchair

I know it seems like I’m on a power trip But goddamn I have been in a wheelchair in my entire life I don’t know another life you are nostalgic for a period of time where you could hear you fucked yourself over by simply exist like this this is how I come

And you know what it’s kind of fun when people let me be I’m disabled I’m not damned it’s not sad roll with me for a little bit actually see what my life is like and maybe you’ll stop trying to change it

It only took me a year and a half to get a housing because I am disabled and I went straight to the top of the list and you know what I fucking love it

I absolutely adored that if I didn’t feel like I had it in me I got to choose whether or not I did the full assignment or half of it my grades were not bad I missed a lot of school because my acid reflux was that bad because y’all thought over the counter ranitidine was going to help me despite the fact that at nine years old I nearly bled out on the living room floor and they were prescribing me prescription prevacid  just because you can get it over the counter doesn’t mean it’s the same strength I need a proton pump inhibitor not an H2 blocker what you gave me was the equivalent of Tums

I was sick all the time I was depressed I was exhausted you should know what that looks like a little miss Judge Judy

Have you noticed that you don’t get out of bed except to get on the computer or get food have you noticed we are exactly the same

 you shot Every prospect I had to hell at 10 years old because it would be easier for you to accept me for who I am if I wasn’t disabled so I need to become less disabled I can’t do that for you sorry and because of you because I never got to really grow out of that seven year old girl because again I knew what you didn’t I knew what you were too blind to see

You did not live in that house with the Charlene you came over in the morning so that I could get on the bus while mom went to work because you don’t work because you’re deaf and you got me off the school bus 

At nine years old after nine years of working on it after our roommate moved out you were never exposed to the entire extent of my disability I looked a lot better than I was because I was actually getting better and you shot it all to hell I just nearly died from my disability you think this is a good thing you think this is a good idea you think the stress is a good idea are you fucking kidding me I burnt a hole in my fucking stomach I can’t go to the restroom and you want me on bed rest for 10 months in casts

You wanna do you wanna stress the 10 year old kid like this are you out of your fucking mind this is severe

 you don’t know me Charlene

You are not my mother you are not Rebecca this is not about you

#love notes to imaginary friends #Taylor swift #Spotify

[ember373]

11/12/22 3:43 pm

Game on!

There’s a movie from the 90’s where the two lead characters play street hockey. When a car comes, they move everything over and yell “Game off!”, and when the car passes they move everything back and yell “Game on!”. That what I feel like with me and you. I don’t even know how it happens, but you always say I started it. I realized tho that this time, there was no inexplicable joy like the last times. And I wondered why that is.

Slowly thinking about it over the last few days I think I realized why. You used to adore me. Cherish me. Ask me what made me happy. Tell me how sexy I was and how you considered me partner material. I do what I always do-I tried to please you. Make you happy. Do the things I know you like even if they made me uncomfortable or were degrading because I knew you would like it. Only…now? You don’t adore me. You don’t cherish me. You don’t care what makes me happy. You told me you don’t respect me. That I’m basically a joke in your eyes. And i just realized how very much that hurts. But I can’t tell you. Because then you’ll end it all and I don’t think I’m ready for that yet. But at the same time… I don’t feel like that upbeat person you used to adore. I very much want to be here for you. To show you that you can be loved for exactly who you are no matter how vile you think yourself to be. I’ve been taking it all in an effort to try to get you to see that. To see how very much I love you. But in the end? I’m a joke you don’t respect. I went from being cherished and adored to a joke you don’t respect. All because I tried to love you and accept the way you love in return.

You really don’t make it easy on a woman. If I stick to my guns and hold on to my pride and dignity and let it get in the way of loving you, you’ll get bored and leave. If I do what you want and try to make you happy, you lose respect for me and start to see me as less than human. It’s one or the other with you. And now, of course, I fall in the latter category. I realize now that you really will never love me. There really is absolutely no future. You told me this isn’t even a relationship. You’re just degrading me for your own enjoyment. And I’m letting you.

I keep asking myself why I let you. Do I think I deserve it? No. I don’t think I do. I think what it boils down to is I see the potential of you, of us, of me when I’m with you…but you don’t. For some reason, I can’t let you go quite yet. I can’t stop loving you. Although…this realization may very well be the beginning of the end. It breaks me that you don’t respect me and think I’m a joke. I could take it all if you loved me. but you don’t. I’ve really been fooling myself this whole time.

But do you know why I stay? Because I’m using you too. To keep other guys away so I don’t fall in love and fuck someone over because of the situation I’m in. To have something else to focus on when I really feel the shittiness and exhaustion that is my life. To have someone to please and that will throw crumbs at me (you’re so cute, it’s adorable the way you beg). I guess, in some sick way I really do think I deserve this. But if you think I’ll put up with this after I get free, well…I’m sorry to tell you that won’t be happening. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone who will never love me back. Who will never cherish me. Who will never respect me. Who will never think of what will make me happy and then try to do it.

But for now, this will work. I have zero expectations anymore now that I know how you truly feel about me. So you won’t have to worry about me going off the deep end. I’ll still get jealous, but I would hope you would at least have the decency to stop messing with me before you start anything, healthy or not, with another person. I don’t know if I’ll be able to be friends with you after this. Why would you want to be friends with someone you don’t respect? And you have plenty of other friends. You don’t need me. I just amuse you for now. So that’s what I’ll do. I’ll play my role and get some sick satisfaction out of it. But once I’m free…fuck everyone and everything. I don’t trust anyone. Don’t trust myself. Don’t trust that there will be anyone on this damn planet that will ever love me for me and want to make me happy and fill that void in me that’s been there for so long. At that point, you will have used me up so much that I think I’ll just be done and finally able to let go of the stupid notion that I’ll ever be loved. I’ll get to live my dream of being alone until I die and be at peace with it.

I hope.

But until then…Game on!! Bring it.