#all they care abt is that the fat girl is losing weight

[jwcnsz]

you're perfect, baby

bf!lee heeseung x gn!reader

summary; heeseung comforting y/n and reassuring them that they're perfect just the way they are (i'm crying).

warnings; swearing, mentions of body shaming (??), reader is pretty insecure :(, calorie counting, lots of crying, use of baby and love

genre; heavy(ish) angst, fluff

word count; 900+ (i was aiming for more :( but its okay)

a/n; i've been thinking abt bf hee sm lately i'm so in love with him anyways i want u guys to know ur perfect just the way u are!! don't let anyone tell u different, not even urself. now enjoy, loves <3

you looked at your reflection in the mirror of your room. no matter how you looked at yourself, you weren't satisfied with yourself. your mind was constantly full of thoughts criticizing yourself.

your waist could be smaller... maybe you could work out more to lose some of the belly fat you have... you need to stop eating so many calories and count like before... heeseung probably thinks you need to lose weight too...

that last one stung the most. you never understood how your boyfriend loved you so much even when you didn't have the best body (in your opinion). he could get anyone in the world, you thought. anyone better than you, so why pick you?

you felt the tears well up and slip down your cheeks. he deserves so much better, why you? what do you have that he could possible want so much?

you look back in the mirror. you look at your arms, thighs, belly, even your hands. you just didn't get what he saw. the small whimpers leaving you became full on sobs.

heeseung had just come back from a night out with some friends, he was so ready to cuddle with you and fall asleep with you. his plans were forgotten when he heard crying coming from your shared bedroom. he barged in to find you looking at yourself and sobbing.

he felt his heart break. why are they crying?, he thought as he walked over to you and wrapped his arms around you, putting his head on your shoulder.

"baby, what's wrong?" he asked. your sobs became louder. you wanted to answer him, really, but you couldn't. how do you tell your boyfriend that you think your body is an absolute mess, that he deserves better.

you shook your head and unwrapped his arms from around you. he was confused, did he do something wrong? did he make you sad? "y/n, is everything okay? did i do something?" he asked in a worried tone.

"hee, what do you see in me?" you didn't answer his question. he blinked slowly before answering. "what do you mean...?" you sighed before turning to look at him.

"what's so good about my body? why do you stay with me even when my body is absolute shit?" you let out, holding back a sob. oh no. heeseung was ready to burn the fucking world down.

"baby what? why are you even asking yourself this?" he needed to know how you even got these questions in your head.

you just shook your head and cried more. heeseung hugged you again but this time you didn't try to push him off. he's giving you head pats and telling you that it's okay, to let it out.

when you finally calm down, he sits you down on your bed and holds your hands. "can you finally tell me what's wrong, love?" he asked softly. he tried to sound as calm as possible so that felt comfortable talking to him.

you took a deep breath and started talking. "my body is so ugly. it's not nice to look at at all. i'm just wondering why you're with me even when my body is probably the worst you could find. you have so many pretty girls around you that are so much prettier and better than me... so why me?" you voice quivered with those last words.

heeseung felt himself tear up. he didn't want you to feel like that, he wanted you to know you're perfect to him, to know that you're amazing and that he'd never trade for anyone else no matter what.

"why you? because you're perfect to me, y/n. you're absolutely beautiful. i don't care what you think i think, i want you to know that in my eyes you're the most perfect person to ever exist in the history of ever. ever!"

as he said all this, he started crying. god he was in so much fucking pain just from the thought of you belittling yourself and your body like that. you started crying too. not because of what you thought of yourself but because of heeseung's words.

"you really mean it?" you questioned him. he wipes the tears from your cheeks. "i do. i really do." he answered you.

you both kept crying. he went to hug you and you hugged back this time, crying with each other. "i love you so much. you're perfect, baby. please know that." hee whispered into your ear as you nodded.

"thank you, hee." you whispered out. he smiled and gave you a small kiss, making you smile as well.

"let's sleep, in the morning we can finish talking about this, okay?" he suggested. you nodded and got up to change in your pajamas. when you came back he was already in bed waiting for you to lay down with him.

he patted the side of the bed that was empty. "come here here with me, love" he smiled at you. you walked over to the bed and laid down facing him. he gave you a kiss before hugging you and holding you so, so tight.

he never wanted to let you go, ever. he wanted you to feel comfort from him in that moment. you wanted to cry from how much love he was showing you in that moment.

after that night, hee made it his mission to compliment you every single day. no matter what he would make comments like "you look so good in those jeans." and "that dress suits you so well, baby."

he did his very best to make you feel good about yourself. and it was working so well, all because of him.

taglist <3: @iluvnishi (if u wanna be tagged send a message/ask!)

reqs are OPEN!

#enhypen x reader #enhypen angst #lee heeseung #lee heeseung x reader #enhypen imagines #enhypen scenarios #enhypen fluff #enhypen oneshots #lee heeseung x y/n #cried while writing this #i love u guys #i projected too much sorry

[diets1234]

introo

so i've been using tumblr for a little while now bc the ana community here is great, so i thought i could post my progress as well. but basically i've been insecure since i was like 8 i think? idrk but people are always like "ur not even fat" and its like girl stfu u cant tell me if im fat or not.. but anyways lmao im tryna lose weight for back to school and i prolly wont lose it all by then but i think i could lose a good chunk of it if i committed to my diet. i actually started yesterday and did really well i think i lost like one pound in a day i was literally so exited to weigh myself lmao but anyways for the info yall actually care abt..

SW: 93

GW: Around 80 lbs?

diet is 250 then 500 - swapping each day kinda thing

ill also do a little wieiad daily to keep me on track

#body ch3ck #body goals #i will be thinner #thin$po #thinspø #tw ana diary #tw ana shit #ana trigger #ana meal

[moomoorare]

sorry if you dont want any stories relating in ur askbox, feel free to delete.

But like, i’ve been fat my entire life - not just chubby, not curvy, but fat. And as a kid, I was always so self conscious because everyone took it as me not taking care of myself, or being sick, but I was just naturally heavier. It took me so long to learn how to love how I look, and my fiance helped a lot - but it means now I really notice how much people brighten up now when I talk abt changing my diet or exercise. They’re always like “oh, are you planning on losing weight?” Like... no. I like how I am. I like the stretch marks and fat. I think I’m adorable and beautiful. And yet when I tell that in return, “No, I like my figure,” people always seem... like, disappointed? I don’t get it. I feel like someone being happy with how they look should be celebrated regardless of what they look like??

First of all!! Hi anon!! :D i admire you and i also, i get it

Same thing has happened to me, i personally don't like moving around a lot bc it's painful and also, I'm not sporty lol. I always get little comments about how i never move or exercise, how i eat "a lot".. just last night i ate lots of pistacchios bc i haven't had them in like, years. And i was really enjoying the food, then a old aunt started making fun of me and the amount i was eating. Me and my dad bought the nuts btw, so they weren't even hers. And she kept laughing at me and hiding her own mount of pistacchios. Like bitch i wouldn't even want them. Also everyone was straight up ignoring her. And she baked stuff that was Soo nasty she looked upset when i didn't like it lmaoo

Hate how people who enjoy food and aren't stick thin get treated when they eat and laugh saying it tastes good. Like... Girl, just because I'm chubby they act like I'm gonna straight up ingest a whole pig, human baby, barn and armchair in one go.I'm just existing, eating pistacchios?? Fu king bitch

#rare letter box #fatphobia

[worldwidemochiguy]

Coming Back Home (Yandere! Taehyung)

➵ Two years after you left Taehyung, you call him from an empty hotel room feeling lonely. 

➵ Warnings: Yandere Taehyung, Idealisation of Yandere Behaviour, reader is messed up lmao, Stockholm Syndrome big time, basically what happens if someone leaves their captor and then does not recover from SS

➵ Word Count: 1.4K

➵ Masterlist 

➵ a/n: this is dedicated to @kpopyandere​ who left a rly nice reply under a post where i was whining abt not being able to write this fic lol. you motivated me to keep going and make this! <3  it’s not perfect but like also it’s not awful (i hope)

also tysm for 1.5k!!! 💜💜💜💜

You bit your lip, thumb hovering over the number you knew you should’ve deleted so long ago.

Two years. It had been two years since you last saw Taehyung. Would he even remember you? Would he even care? Probably not, you thought. So what’s the harm so calling him, just to see how he’s been doing?

Except you knew it wouldn’t be just a call. You knew that Taehyung’s obsessive tendencies were not the kind of thing to mellow out over the years. You knew you had gotten a lucky break, and if you hadn’t run away all those years ago then maybe you would still be with him. Trapped.

But at least you felt safe then. At least you felt needed. Unlike now, sitting in a hotel room with a half-empty suitcase and a heart filled with broken promises. 

It’s remarkable how much can be reversed with the simple press of a button. 

The ringtone sounded morbid in the room, accompanied only by the distant noises of traffic on the streets below. It felt strange, you had never had to wait on a call with Taehyung before. He used to answer you straight away.

“Hello. Who is this?”

His sharp voice — much harsher than you remembered, but maybe that was just your memory softening over the painful edges — drew all the breath out of you in a quick exhale. You suddenly forgot how to speak. 

“Who is this?” He repeated. Of course, he didn’t recognise your number. You had bought a new phone. You had bought a new everything, not wanting any trace of him once you’d escaped. And yet, still, you transferred his number to your contacts list, a shameful action you knew you would regret even as you typed in the digits. 

You had been silent on the line for almost a minute now, waiting with bated breath for the moment he would lose patience and hang up. You predicted it would happen any second now, Taehyung was never the most patient man.

Except when he was with you.

But he still hadn’t hung up, and you listened to the sound of his silence intently, imagining Taehyung standing somewhere in his office, holding a phone up to his face and waiting, wearing that furrowed expression he always had when he was frustrated.

But he didn’t sound frustrated, not when you heard a hopeful inhale, and then a tentative whisper.

“…Princess?”

That endearment— you hadn’t heard it in so long, and you didn’t realise how much you missed it — it broke the distance you had gone to such lengths to ensure. 

“Taehyung,” You sobbed, finally finding your voice and using it to wail his name, a name you hadn’t allowed yourself to even think of for six months after you had left him. You heard a flurry of clicks, probably Taehyung tracking your location through the call, and for once you just didn’t care, you wanted him to come to you soon. 

“I’m here, Princess.” Taehyung panted, and it sounded like he had started running, “I’m right here, don’t worry.”

“I-” Now you had started crying, you couldn’t seem to stop, fat tears sliding down your cheeks as you, for the first time in two years, knew without a doubt that someone was coming to rescue you. He was running, that’s how desperate he was to reach you. 

“I’m in Seoul.” You choked out, “I’m on the same street as our old apartment. In a hotel.” 

“Good girl,” You imagined Taehyung’s long fingers carding through your hair like they used to whenever you were distressed, and felt a little bit better. “I’m coming right from the office, baby. I’ll be there so soon, and then we can both go home. God, I’ve been waiting for you to come back for so long.”

His voice cracked slightly at the end of his statement. Your heart felt like it cracked in a similar way. 

“I’m sorry,” You gasped, the sincerity of it pressing out of your skin. It felt like you had forgotten how to breathe. Your lungs were still working, expanding and contracting mechanically, but there was no air left in the room. It had disappeared two years ago, along with Taehyung and your apartment and everything you had known for so long. 

And even Jongin, who had taken you away from it all, and in return, promised to give you safety, was gone. 

You’re too clingy, he said when you had panicked over him leaving you alone for too long, you’re too dependant, he said when you didn’t want to go outside, I don’t love you, he said, two years after he had drawn you away from Taehyung. 

In the end, all Jongin led you to was an empty hotel room, with a broken heart, and an outgoing phone call to the very person he vowed to protect you from. 

“Come quickly,” You whimpered to Taehyung, and you heard crackling noises out of the receiver that vaguely registered as the soft hushes Taehyung would always comfort you with. 

“I’m coming, I’ll be there so soon, Princess, I promise. I’m so proud of you, this must have taken a lot of bravery and I’m glad you finally decided to listen to what your heart already knew.”

“I’m sorry,” You said again, because you barely knew how to say anything else. “I’ll never leave again, I’m so sorry, just, please, come and get me soon.” 

“I’m at the hotel, Princess.” Taehyung told you, and then you heard other voices and a muffled shouting. 

Taehyung didn’t say anything else. You sat on the bed clutching the phone to your ear, waiting for his voice, an update, anything… 

What if he decided you weren’t worth it? 

“Princess, it’s me.” 

Taehyung’s voice waited on the other side of the door. You froze. Hearing it in person was different to hearing it over the phone. Hearing it in person was… it brought back so many memories. Lying on his lap while he fed you chocolates. Crying onto his shoulder. Pain. Quiet reprimands and hushed apologies. Pain. Pain. Pain. 

Fear. 

But never loneliness. 

And you were so achingly, helplessly alone without him.

“Stand back, Princess. I’m going to break the door down.” Taehyung warned. You watched as the lock buckled underneath the force of his kick. And you saw him for the first time in two years, frantic and determined. 

His eyes found you before the door even had time to bounce back against the splintered frame. 

“Princess,” His voice was hoarse, the word sounding like a prayer on his lips. That was all it took for you to shoot up and fling yourself across the room, trusting that he would catch you. He would always catch you in the end.

He cradled you in his arms like something precious, raining kisses down on everything he could reach, your head, your cheeks, your lips, your neck, your lips, your lips, your lips. Kissing Taehyung felt like falling into a daydream — one which had already been experienced, but still carried the same sweet, addictive taste. 

“Princess,” he murmured, leaning away from the kiss slightly to do so and you let loose a displeased whine, chasing back to fit his lips against yours once more. He smiled, breaking the kiss and resting your foreheads together, sharing breathless pants in the space between your matching grins. 

“I…” He trailed off, eyes shining with the weight of all the constellations in the sky. 

“What?” You whispered. 

He smiled, slow and sweet. “You have made me speechless.” He eventually said. “I’m just… so happy.” 

Taehyung always had the habit of saying things you didn’t know how to respond to. You couldn’t help but gaze at him, taking in all the slight changes two years had caused. 

He had a new scar above his eyebrow. He was paler. He had lost some weight. It had carved itself out of his cheeks, leaving behind a more hollow replication of the bread cheeks you used to kiss every morning. Jongin had never cared that much about cheek kisses. He didn’t value small shows of affection the way Taehyung did. The way you did. 

You leaned in and kissed Taehyung on the forehead, right above the unfamiliar scar. When you pulled back, you realised that the way Taehyung looked at you was one of the things that had not changed at all. 

For the first time in two years, you knew that you weren’t alone. Not anymore. And you never would be again. 

“Let’s go home.” 

#yandere bts #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts x reader #bts scenarios #bts taehyung #bts taehyung x reader #yandere taehyung #yandere taehyung x reader #taehyung fanfic #kim taehyung #bts kim taehyung #bts taehyung fanfic #bts v #yandere bangtan #bts imagines #yandere #yandere kpop #yandere x reader #taehyung self insert

[onewfantaesy]

is ther someone at his dance class who is negatively impacting taemin? like a bully there (or maybe teacher) who is constantly commenting abt his weight? maybe that, combined w his perfectionist streak and history of neglect, is the root of his disorder...

When Taemin was younger, there was always a group of older dance students who would stick together. It wasn’t unusual, there were always cliques, but they were different. They would chug Red Bull and Monster and they were always talking about food. It was like their whole lives revolved around rice cakes and Oreos. Taemin and Kai never quite understood it. They figured it was a teenager thing.

Then when they got to be in about fourth grade, the girls in their age group at dance started whispering and pointing and laughing behind their hands. It was always at Taemin and Kai, and at first they thought it was just because they were boys. It was upsetting at first, because they had all, for the most part, been friends until then.

But then one girl told Taemin he had fat legs. Taemin had never really thought about his legs much, not like that, and suddenly all he cared about what the way his calves jiggled when he did a specific dance move. That was always when the girls would giggle and smirk at him.

Kai apparently had fat wrists, according to the same group of girls.

They didn’t know what to do.

Weight suddenly became a big deal. It was something they were forced to think about. The way their bodies looked in the mirror at the studio was no longer about the technique, it was about the way his stomach looked when he bent a certain way, it was about the way his legs looked when he jumped or twirled or moved, it was about how if he looked down a certain way, he had a double chin. He had never even heard of a double chin before. His chin wasn’t big, how could he have two of them?

That certain group of older girls, they took Taemin and Kai under their wing. They danced with them sometimes, especially the older they got. Told them what a double chin was. Told them how many calories they ate in a day to lose a pound a day. Told them how to Google what your BMI is, what it means, taught them the term goal weight.

Taemin became an utterly picky eater seemingly overnight. Before he was in fifth grade, he was eating rice cakes and half-fat cheese spread for a meal. Counting calories. Becoming fascinated by the way his skin looked when it bruised.

It didn’t help that Kibum made his life a nightmare whenever he would stay with them. Called him a loser and an idiot and a bunch of crude names that only made Taemin’s self esteem plummet even more.

Then he went through puberty. His body changed and he hated it and the girls in his age group would comment on it, and he just wanted to hide inside baggy sweatshirts for the rest of his life.

He had to be perfect. He had to. It was to prove that he wasn’t an idiot. Wasn’t a failure. Wasn’t a waste of space. If he was perfect, then his family would love him, the girls at dance would be his friends again, his step-brother wouldn’t make his life a living hell just because he could. He had to have perfect grades and perfect dancing and perfect everything.

Taemin felt like he couldn’t control anything. He couldn’t control the way the girls at dance acted. He couldn’t control the way Kibum treated him. Couldn’t control his mom marrying Jinki and getting him involuntarily mixed in with a fucked up blended family that he felt so out of place in, so other, so different.

But he could control what he ate. That was easy. He could refuse to eat for days at a time if he really wanted to. Could control the way his legs bruised when he punched his thighs hard enough.

But that came with a price he didn’t realize until he was in middle school. That starving for so long would eventually make him binge, and how awful that was. How horribly out of control he felt when he ate every single bag of Lays from the cupboard, how horrible he felt when he ate cookies and dry cereal and popcorn and plain bread and handfuls of peanut butter and half of the leftover pasta from dinner all at once. How he thought his stomach was going to explode the first time it happened. How he cried in his bedroom because it hurt and he couldn’t stop it and he didn’t know what to do.

Then he tried puking on purpose for the first time. He had eaten an entire king sized chocolate bar because it was Halloween and god it just looked so good and then he couldn’t stop after just one bite. And it was so hard. It hurt so much. Puking up chocolate was goddamn impossible.

He almost choked. He had never cried so much in one night.

Then he found the memes online when he was thirteen. They were hilarious. They made him feel better. Made him feel less insane, less ridiculous, less like a lunatic like Kibum called him all the time since he found out about the therapy. There were other people who felt exactly the same way as him, and it helped more than anyone could understand.

He had never really “recovered” like everyone thought. He was good at convincing everyone he was, though. Learned that chugging water before being weighed would help him look heavier, learned to hide packs of water bottles under his bed, learned to hide his food better and lie better. And he hated it, he didn’t want to do it, it made him feel terrible and like a disappointment and a failure, but controlling what he ate felt like the only thing he could actually control in his life. He didn’t want to give that control up.

Taemin wants to be in control. Desperately. But the longer he lets himself be consumed by his own illness, the less in control he actually is. He doesn’t know what to do.

#taemin #shinee #key #onew #minho #tw ed #hello anon #step family au

[wuhohdotcom]

thinking about complaing abt dr some more so here we go

even if chihiro is "technically a boy", it would realistically take a bit to adjust pronouns. as soon as everyone in the game found out that shes "really a boy" they immediately started to refer to her as he and using masculine name endings (like -kun) showing that the developers only made her trans as a plot device 😃

not to mention getting picked on for being girly all your life and then just deciding to "pretend to be a girl" isnt a thing that actually happens to anyone source: im transgender.

toko is a fucking disaster of a character. evil alters who are murderous and crazy do not exist. literally the most overused and not to mention harmful stereotype. and the way they switch is comical at best. bruh. a sneeze. yeah lemme just call my protector out real quick *grabs pepper from the cabinent to inhale* like really? & genocider wouldnt be capable of murder if toko wasnt. toko faints at the sight of blood.

also they refer to her multiplicity as anything but what its actually called. i believe in the game its referred to as "schizo" (😬✌) the anime as "split personality" and the english dubbed anime as "dissassociative identity disorder" which isnt a real thing u got SO close lol (also referred to as "split personality" in the play -_-) toko as a character is poor and ableist representation source: i have DID.

hifumi is a fatphobic stereotype. this is obvious

i also hate him lol

yasuhiro did not deserve to live til the end im not sorry. he contributes nothing to the plot and is comic relief at best. will comend him for being the only one to care about taka after mondo died tho.

TAKA GOT FUCKED OVER. in every single possible way he got fucked over. as soon as mondo died you can tell the writers had no idea what to do with him & this is evident at the existence of kiyondo (which in reality is just taka using a poor coping mechanism. saying that its him & mondos spirits combined or whatever really just feels like a thinly vieled excuse.) they literally just killed him off because they had no intelligent ideas left on what to do with his character that they wrote into a hole 😛

taka should have lived til the end instead of hiro. this would work so much better in the finale. what does hiro have to be filled with despair over that is genuinely compelling? he doesnt have a personality except for "im kind of a dumbass and probably high all the time"

having taka live until the end would give makoto the chance to instill hope into him. to have him live on for mondos sake, something similar to what he told hina.

i mean for fucks sake watching the person who is your only genuine friend die a horrible and violent death, starving yourself because youre paranoid that the food was tainted with the butter that your best friend was made into, and losing your sense of identity because you cannot move on from your grief is way more compelling than "i want to get out of here." but nope taka had to get bonked over the head by fat guy stereotype so the devs could get rid of the dead weight THEY created. lol.

#AGH. #i hate it here #i have fucking brainrot over dr and i HATE it but. i cannot deny i love it #danganronpa 1 plays out like a first draft. #long post #txt

[bo0zey]

Pick your favorite questions from the list.

i will do them all for u 0.o

1. Name cianna [see-ah-nah]

2. Nationality mexican irish german romanian hungarian french

3. Age 20

4. Birthday december 17, 1999

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries

6. Gender female

7. Sexuality uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) /tagged/my-face or u could just google pictures of fat rats

9. What do you/did you study? I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :) My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian

11. Your birth order i’m the oldest!

12. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers

13. Do you have good relations with your family? my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol

14. How many friends do you have? errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??

15. Your relationship status single :D

16. What do you look for in a SO? funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person??? 

17. Do you have a crush? currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D

18. When did you have your first kiss? i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd

20. What are your deal breakers? errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant

21. How was your day? ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein

22. Favourite food & drink deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water

23. What position do you sleep in? i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow

24. What was your last dream about? ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon

25. Your fears not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3

26. Your dreams i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own

27. Your goals survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat

28. Any pets? i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc

29. What are your hobbies? writing stories about people in love, listening to music

30. Any cool places in your area? in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess

31. What was your last awkward situation? the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

32. What is your last regret? errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......

33. Language/s you can speak English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk

35. Have any quirks? ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing 

36. Your pet peeves err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit

37. Ideal vacation somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol

38. Any scars? yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!

39. What does your last text message say? ‘ok thats a more than fair statement’

40. Last 5 things from your search history how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome

41. What's your [device] background? lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals

42. What do you daydream about? the characters in my stories.................and being skinny 

43. Describe your dream home pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm 

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business

45. Your personality type entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better

46. The most dangerous thing you've done uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that

47. Are you happy with your current life? its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night

48. Some things you've tried in your life alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings

50. Favourite colour to wear? black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk

51. How would you describe your style? oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care

52. Are you happy with your current looks? no i hate everything about myself lol

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair

54. Any tattoos or piercings? my nose and septum are pierced!

55. Do you get complimented often? kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk

56. Favourite aesthetic? i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!! 

57. A popular trend that you dislike nobody has a crush on me and i hate it

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with? pied piper by BTS

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like. anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020

60. Favourite genre? rap/r n b/alternative

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,

62. Hated popular songs/artists? i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 only - RY X i.f.l.y. - Bazzi novacane - frank ocean jungle - drake bang! - trippie redd

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? no and no

65. Do you like karaoke? no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone

66. Own any albums? haha noooo i got apple music son

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho

68. Favourite movie/series? idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books

70. Your fictional crush/es danny phantom, ken kaneki

71. Which fictional character is you? uhhhh idk...

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf

73. Favourite greek god? idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades

74. A legend from where you live that you like i don't really know any:(

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist? i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool

76. Can you share your other social media? ig: ciannnna venmo: ciannnna

77. Favourite youtubers? i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain

78. Favourite platform? twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much time

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite? i once played GTA5 that was fun!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall

82. Do you play board/card games? no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? nopee

84. Favourite holiday halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts

85. Are you into dramas? i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? um YES.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? vampire duh [or maybe ghost]

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? i want to see my mom

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? idk probably kylie jenner

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo idk the alien? 94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true -im very productive with my time management skills -my favorite color is purple -i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public

95. Cold or hot? cold

96. Be a hero or be a villain? anti-hero

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal

100. ..... or .....? ......?

[iwontdancenetwork]

Stretching Beauty: Misty Copeland 

By Erin Bried

It was about an hour after my last pirouette of the evening onstage with the American Ballet Theatre, and I was already in my pajamas. With a glass of wine in one hand and the phone in the other, I ordered my usual: a dozen glazed doughnuts from my local Krispy Kreme. Once they arrived, I sat on my couch, turned on Sex and the City and ate them all straight from the box. They tasted so good, and while I was eating them, the sugary richness made me feel comforted and cared for. The next morning, I woke up guilty and ashamed, but a few nights later I felt so miserable that I did it all over again.

I was 21 years old, thrilled to be dancing with the most famous ballet company in the country, and I was bingeing regularly. I could pinpoint exactly when and why it started. One day after rehearsal, I saw my name posted alongside the words “See the artistic staff.” They made all the company’s big decisions, including casting, and for me this summons from them was nerve-racking. I remember sitting down in their office, so anxious that I was sweating.

They told me: “Your body has changed. The lines you’re creating don’t look the way they used to. We’d like to see you lengthen.”

That, of course, was just a polite, safe way of saying, “You need to lose weight.” I was so embarrassed that all I could answer was “I understand. I’d like to change this.” And then I got out of there as fast as I could. When I reached my apartment, I started crying uncontrollably. I knew that since I was 5’2’ and 108 pounds, most people would consider me super thin. But in my own little world, I was devastated to learn I was “fat.” I had always been proud of my body—its strength and grace enabled me to pursue my passions. But now it had become the enemy.

Ever since I discovered ballet at the relatively late age of 13, it had been the one part of my life where I was the ideal. I grew up poor in San Pedro, California, sleeping on the floor of shady motels with my five siblings and not always sure when or where I’d get my next meal. I never thought of myself as special or particularly good at anything. But once I started ballet, suddenly I had a new identity: prodigy. I remember my first instructor telling me that George Balanchine, the revered founder of the New York City Ballet, thought that a ballerina should have a long neck, sloped shoulders, a small rib cage, a narrow waist and long legs and feet.

“You’re everything he wanted,” she said. “You’re perfect.”

But from a health perspective, when I moved to New York City to dance with ABT, I wasn’t perfect at all. I was 19 and tiny—I’d never even menstruated. I know people see dancers as thin as I was and assume we must be anorexic. Actually, I just burned a lot of calories from the demanding routine of dancing up to nine hours a day. I didn’t have an eating disorder—then. But about eight months after I started with the company, I fractured a bone in my back during a rehearsal. My doctor told me I needed to start menstruating because the hormones would help strengthen my bones, and he put me on the Pill. Almost overnight, my body was transformed. In one month, I gained 10 pounds, mostly in my stomach, and my 30B breasts swelled to double D.

It took me a year to recover from the injury and return to dancing, but I still wasn’t used to having breasts and a belly. And when I finally came back to ABT and put on my leotard again, it was an even bigger shock: I didn’t look or feel like the dancer I remembered being. Usually, ballerinas share costumes since we have similar builds. But now the leotards had to be altered for me—with a sheer material added to cover my cleavage, for instance. I hated this sign that I was different from the others, and I felt singled out for all the wrong reasons. I became so self-conscious that, for the first time in my life, I couldn’t dance strong. I was too busy trying to hide my breasts. After a few months, I was called in for The Talk, and the bingeing began.

After that meeting, I became so ashamed of my body that I started wearing T-shirts and shorts over my leotard and tights during practice. For the first time, I made myself exercise at the gym just to burn calories, which was awful and didn’t help. And I’d duck down hallways to avoid the artistic staff, afraid they’d tell me to “lengthen” again. I didn’t even want to be seen in ballet class, which I’d always loved. I realized that bingeing wasn’t a logical reaction, but at night, when I was alone, I got so angry: Who do they think they’re talking to? I have so much talent. I’ll eat what I want. But I knew ABT saw my once “perfect” body as a problem, so I resented them. And I hated myself for not being able to fix it. My perverse form of rebellion (and comfort) was doughnuts.

But as I grew more introverted at ABT, always nervous that I’d be criticized, I started to venture outside that tightly knit world to make friends. That’s when everything began to shift. I noticed that most people didn’t have the same rigid expectations I had about how their bodies should look. Gradually, I started to feel more relaxed and comfortable in my frame—and even happy with it. Then I met my boyfriend, Olu, who was studying law at Emory University. Since our relationship was long-distance for the first year, we spent every night talking on the phone. He’d tell me over and over that I was talented and beautiful. I’d never experienced that kind of affirmation before, even when I was being praised for having a traditional dancer’s physique. As a ballerina, you always stand in front of the mirror searching for flaws. You’re so used to criticism—from yourself and others—that it’s hard to remember that your body is something to enjoy, not just a never-ending fix-it project.

Around the time I met Olu, I also found a mentor in Victoria Rowell, a former ABT dancer turned actress. After she saw me perform in Hollywood, she left me a note asking me to call her. I did, and when we met, we talked nearly all night long. I told her I thought I’d become “the fat dancer” and that I felt awful about it. Over the course of many conversations, she made me see that what I ate should be about making myself feel good, healthy and strong, not about attempting to please (or defy) anyone else.

“Your body is fine,” she said. “But you’ll feel better if you take care of it.”

I’d always believed that what mattered was how I looked, how well I embodied certain standards of perfection. But now I started to understand that my body’s natural evolution into womanhood had validity, too. Dancing had always made me happy, and I wanted that back. So my priority became simply accepting my new self. I focused on what I wanted: to feel good, to be confident in my skin again, to dance.

I really didn’t try to stop bingeing. Instead, I started thinking about food not as solace but as the fuel that gave me the energy and strength I needed to dance—and to live. I paid attention to how my meals made me feel physically, started eating more vegetables and fish and gave up red meat and poultry. I still ate sweets occasionally because I love them—especially cupcakes and banana pudding—but now just one serving was plenty. Within a few months, I’d forgotten Krispy Kreme’s number.

Over the course of the next year, I ended up losing a few pounds (finding a better birth control regimen helped, too), but I kept my full breasts and hips. My body was still different than it had been; I couldn’t go back to being a little girl. But now I owned it. My curves became an integral part of who I am as a dancer, not something I needed to lose to become one. I started dancing with confidence and joy, and soon the staff at ABT began giving me positive feedback again. And I think I changed everyone’s mind about what a perfect dancer is supposed to look like.

Over the next few years, things at ABT just got better. I became a soloist with the company—the first black dancer to do so in more than two decades. And in 2012 I landed my biggest role yet, headlining in Firebird. I remember walking out of rehearsal in jeans and sandals to get my hair done for the premiere. When I turned onto the sidewalk, I saw it: a huge billboard on the front of the Metropolitan Opera House with my picture on it. I was in profile, wearing a red leotard, with my chest and back arched so you could see my full, feminine breasts and my round butt. It was everything that people don’t expect in a ballerina. I stood completely still for five minutes, just crying. It was beauty. It was power. It was a woman. It was me.

www.iwontdance.com

#misty copeland #ballet #ballerina #body image #love yourself

[anxirinrin]

Awful things ive been told by X so i will never forget bc X sure did

TW: Some stuff are really awful like rape mention and slut shaming and might trigger some people i just needed somewhere to vent

-for my sister's birthday, x made some fries and cream sauce with mushroom (my favorite). I was hungry and everyone kept talking and talking so i snuck out to the kitchen and stole some fries with sauce to put in a sandwich. Turns out they forgot (like every adults) to go grocery shopping and basically i took too much sauce and there was no cream to make some more so i got screamed at bc i was fat and i ate too much and that i should lose all that weight bc otherwise i would get raped by all the boys in highschool with the huge ass i had :). Tbh i still to this day dont understand how did we run out of cream bc rn even tho idont have a car or a driving license i sure damn well go on shopping spree by walking. Unless it was on a sunday and they forgot. Anywaaay

-I actually thought that i was exaggerating that one time but she actually said it again (in front of my sister this time but she sure will never act like she was here) when i told her might not pass my 3rd year of mechanical engineering and that i will probably redo and she told me i better not bc she wants me to stop taking the subway as soon as possible and if i redo a year it will be one more year where ill need to take the subway and if i get raped in the subway it will be my own fault for failing a year and putting myself in danger for one unnecessary year.

-When i had a free semester (i failed my second year lets just say i was still pretty shaken by my dad's death) i wanted to take a job she didnt want me to but she wanted me to take care of the website of her shop. I said i didnt want to bc (she literally asked "would u like to do it???" So i said no) .. i didnt want to deal with her crusty ass annoying clients and running a fb page really isnt my thing so my older sister took care of it. However an order got lost bc it was made on a post in a fb group which deleted our post hence deleting the comments and the order with it. My sister didnt understand what waa going on and then tried to explain to mum and then my mum screamed at her that we basically were making fun of her and taking advantage of the fact she didnt know how to use technology (she is a fb addict she uses it more often in a week than i did for the past 7 years). Anyway my sister got mad cried in her car and while she wasnt here my mum screamed at me telling me everything was my fault bc i refuses to take care of her fb page and that my sister had better things in her life and at work than doing this and that one day something real bad was going to happen to my sister if she gets this upset one more time bc she is asthmatic (and get asthma crisis when she is upset) and that it would be my fault.

-also like a week after my dad died she made a personal mission to tell me daily that in the religious fb group she is someone told her that someone brutally/suddenly dying like my dad was a warning that happen when someone in the house doesnt pray (like me and my sister but somehow im the only one who got this kind of reminder).

-in the same time she like cornered me in the bathroom and she was really depresses after my dad died and i was too and she would end up crying on my shoulder telling me to get fit, study and pray (idk if that was supposed to be an encouragement but it sure was ill-timed 💀)

-when i was in middle school she was CONSTANTLY comparing me to 2 other girls bc they were thing and had good grades (not as good as mine but anyway) the thing that kills me is that both of these girls were bitchy (each in their own way) and she knew it first hand but still she would rather have a slim bitch (as a mean person) of daughter rather than a fat normal one.

-on top of that she would regularly hide the key of the kitchen so i would not eat between my meals which is not the bad thing in this point. She also would never allow me to wear knee-lenght dresses or short (i was allowed to shave anyway soo) for middle to high school all of this while bragging abt the miniskirt she used to wear when she was thirteen. When i talked abt it my sister she was like " but u know mum is not all that picky about clothes she would let u wear anything you want if u were not fat". Again thats not the worst thing yet. The worst thing is when YEARS later we talked abt how/in what way/when did each one of us put on weight and when it came to my turn she went like "no u u were not fat in school it all started when u entered uni" like what??? What????? U called me a cow when i was in middle school and when i hid to cry abt u ran after me and screamed "why are u crying? Just loose some weight!" hysterically and a of this but suddenly u turn around and act like u never thought i was fat????? "We have picture of you this age u were not fat" yeah exactly i wasnt but u don't get to say it bc it will erase all the shit u did. Suddenly i become the crazy one bc if i wasnt fat yet then there was no reason for you to do all of this so obviously i must be imagining things and lying 💀💀💀💀

[meateatingorchids]

I got rlly fat like i got a big belly now which is soooo weird and i feel uncomfortable about to the point i hate my self .... 

Like what the fuck is that huge belly omfg like im pregnant and its disgusting.  Im so ugly RN i hate my self sm 

Also i tried to eat fitness food n its disgustingly tasting that i regretted eating it in the first place

Its so bad to the point tge sweet potato is better tasting than strogonoff what

I feel overly full to the point its uncomfortable and rlly  othering me and my face got super fat to the point i dont want to ever go out again

I never felt this ugly since 1 year. This is the most ugly ive felt in one year and i rlly hate myself i wanna kms like i can barely look at my disgusting reflection . I look gross. Im grossed w my self which is unbearable

Like im p sure this is beyond my watwr retention cuz of period i probably did get fat and its disgusting.  I cant look at myself

I hv sm fat in my stomato the point i feel like vomiting when i hv to shower it bothers me to the point maybe thats all ill think about until I lose this fat

I got fat to the point i can't u look and until I lose i won't talk to ppl anymore

My skin got super ugly lately too i bet its bc of that meds I hate it sm I look so disgusting i can't even look at myself anymore I want to burn this body alive lmao

I want to die so I dont hv to look at my reflection. I need to lose weight

My face looks so ugly I want to smash it w a hammer .. i think abt dark things lately.... like harming my self n shit like that 

The other day I couldn't not self harm cuz I was having such a hard time the entire of July so I had to self harm to de stress and now i wanna cut my self more and more like I need to do some harmful thing cuz I hate this body lmao 

I hate every minute of now and ever since I got fat I've been trying to lose weight cuz I want to reach my goal. I want to be skinny and thats the only thing I think about since I got fat. I also say fuck to the world cuz i only want one thing n thats losing this fuckong weight n fats i wanna be skinny again and that is my n1 goal and concern like every thing else is second to that. Idc about med achool or any school right now my main goal is losing this weight and more and more I want to be skinny again like in 2013 when I was happy . Fuck med school or any other stupid mission I only care about one thing.... i hate the reflection in the mirror it is so disgusting. I want to punish my self for getting this fat. This look ain't it and the clothes look ugly on me now i hate my self. I hope whoever haunted me last month gets super ugly n fat. I look so disgusting its gross to exist in such an ugly body n face i hate my looks now more than ever but I've been low-key dissatisfied with my appearance since sometime in june or Smth I hated my getting fat since June and I feel like it is so gross and I need to vent out abt it 

If I end up binging and starbing cicle again I know that i can give up any dream cuz my life will be it, binge and starve ... this is all I do when I'm in the bad place. My entire life is math in my head abt what I ate and how much and counting the numbers weigh in measures and math  here n there and thats so mind consuming thats the only thing I think about and nothing else can fit in lmao this is the life of some ed community girl... sucks but that's all we have. I do feel like purging but I've never been good at it but I hate the feeling of food sitting in my stomach and I hate the feeling of full and I hate it with so much passion that I come out lmao and I know unless I lose this weight that food and weight loss is all ill be thinking about so bye-bye med school. 

I even hate the feeling of fat in my calves cuz i feel it got fat and I can feel it and my thighs never looked so gross i hate my own body right now and since June I neen low-key hating it lmao...  welp 

I rlly never felt worse than this... since last june lmaooo I want to kill my self and I'm determined to do it bc that's all I have. I want to be free from this hell.

I have the most violent thoughts for the past weeks and I'm in the i wanna kill mode . I want to harm whoever did this to me whoever disrupted the peace I worked hard to get whoever disrupted it i wanna m*r*** them so much tbh I want to shake it off but the thought of causing as much harm as they caused me keeps coming to my mind I want to kill so much ... lmao I wan awake everything from them bc they rlly ruined my life that was hard to begin with. 

i got the need for an ed blog again cuz my ed is woken again lmao fuck my life. seems like its back i feel my ed waking up for the past months... its BACK i feel sometimes physically stronger as i used to be when i had my ed... even at my lowest weight i had some abnormal physical strength for a girl and now its back my ed... lmao fuckkkkkkkmy ed is strong and has such a darkness, dark mind and violent... idk how will i keep it under control cuz its very hard ... but at least my ed seem to protect me from some stuff... when i become very traumatized it seems to cause it to wake... whoever they were they woke up my demons.. thanks u scum vermin, u ruined the work weve been doing on putting it to sleep for over 10 years and u ruined its work it took 10 fucking years to out it to sleep... now its back and lively as always... why would anyone want my demon to wake why... my ed makes me physically stronger so its super easy to know when its here... lmaoooo im soooooo fuckedddd now ill pray i dont get in trouble much thats it

whoever was that kept pushing her to remember her traume woke the demon now they will have to pay for it

when i was only abt 40kg i had like sm physical strength and i only found out why years later... yeah... idk now what am i going to do i actually do love my demon despite all and were good friends... but sometimes it gets out of control.. its like having a pet tiger or lion tbh its v cute but it needs to be tamed... lmao also why did they disclose my demons name but not my angels lmao.. puzzling it is...

[brawla]

What was his childhood like with his brothers and a single mother, and how did he come out to them? Was he well received? How does it affect all his relationships in life, given the time period?

GH okay i can talk in depth about this so its going under a cut. warnin for talk abt dysphoria, blasphemy (only kind of vaguely referred to), vague implications of nonphysical abuse and potential misgendering/transphobia/etc

so like… he was born a fraternal twin which wasnt so shocking to the family dynamic bc there was already a pair of twins But after having a total of 9 kids and One of them being born biologically female you kinda fixate on that yknow? so. elliot was most definitely Pegged to be the odd one out from the start but he kinda never really was. he played in the same way that his brothers played and loved getting dirty and being a general nuisance and he was, in essence, already One Of The Boys by like age 4. i should note also his oldest brother is 10 years older and most of them have like a ½ y age difference

inserting this bit right here to clarify the dog incident happened when he was 6 and four of them were playing in a dry canal n there were wild dogs hiding in the underpass (and up until then hed only known dogs as nice creatures) so he goes to pet em yadda yadda arms and legs get fucked up real bad. forearms are still wicked sensitive and scarred up but his knees recovered merely because he ran. they didnt have money for hospital bills so he was kinda useless for a while though

so anyway. despite her child obviously being a “““tomboy”““ she still attempted to force him into frilly dresses and do his hair all nice and when he was Really young he didnt super care but eventually noticed the difference in how his mom allowed his brothers to behave vs how she allowed him to behave and it upset him??? and granted this was more when he was like 8 or 9 and it was less “elli go play” and more “elli help me with dinner” even though she often didnt include anybody else in that request. so he starts cutting his own hair and disobeying openly and gets kinda mean because of it (thus his inclusion in being a Town Terror with the other brothers) uhh

they fought a Lot as kids bc margaret wasnt the Best at keeping them in line especially when shed get more concerned with sleeping with other men/going out for the nice bc once chase (oldest) was old enough to technically be in charge shed just kinda Leave sometimes an pray they didnt set the house on fire. because of that it was “im trapped in a house with all my brothers lets wrestle and scream until the neighbors call the cops on us because somebody might be dying” but at the end of the day they still had that Sibling Bond that rose above anything else

moving back onto the Trans Narrative: he realizes somethings up mid/end of middle school and hes not sure how to put it into words but he doesnt Feel Good anymore. doesnt like hearing his deadname or being the singular “girl” of the family. his twin, owen, is like, his first Go To for comfort and owen doesnt know either but he doesnt really Care. one time he tries to tell his mom but she waves him off and tells him never to bring it up again and… he Doesnt. goes through his first couple years of high school horrifically depressed and just barely passing year to year if Even passing until the very beginning of junior year he just Stops going. owen and some of the more fraternal of his brothers, when older, are kinda the only thing that keeps him grounded and ultimately he feels Useless ages 16 to 18

spy is his first contact bc he knows his mom who kinda just laments about how useless this kid who used to be so excited to play baseball with his brothers and run around and race freely is all of the sudden, please make him stop. and spys reluctant but also Guilty and has him flown out to nm for various hit and run jobs and elliot doesnt really realize what hes been thrust into at first but it gets to a point where doing Anything (even Crime) feels so good he doesnt care. inducted officially into the team when hes 19 or 20 and also has his name legally changed within that time period (jeremy is his “formal” name his mom insisted upon when he informed her this was a thing that was happening and she couldnt do anything about it, but if addressed by his actual name hed much rather hear elliot except in Official or as previously stated, formal, settings). voila The Scout is born

he technically comes out to the family when hes like 18/19 and already living out of home and he comes back to visit for a gathering where a lot of people are there includin some of his brothers’ dads. and nobody really knows what to do (mom im trans and also stronger than you so dont try any shit) bc most of them are religious and all of the boys were raised christian even if they were just going to church for the sake of going to church. and like… over time they adapt… margaret pulls the whole “this is all my fault my babys going to hell” thing for a while and makes it about her and some of his brothers do the same (william, the second oldest and michael, one of the other twins are the only two who are like “absolutely not youre disowned never speak to me again” and disallow their kids from seeing him EVEN THOUGH his nieces and nephews love him the Most) but eventually they kinda Get It. and dont Agree with it but cant bear to just leave their baby brother behind. so. its like. they fuck up the pronouns a lot but still Vaguely try. he doesnt talk to them a lot and wishes honestly hed never said anything and just moved out and lived stealth (hes stealth in tfi). he sends money home bc despite all his mom did and said to him bc deep down he still cares but. yknow. he avoids them if he can

SORRY THAT GOT LONG onto other tidbits

he never did baseball in school but played recreationally with the boys every time he got the opportunity to but he did run track when he got to eighth grade/high school and was really fantastic at it. hed run and began exercising initially as a way to beat his brothers but his mom makes some off-handed comment about how its good hes finally doing that, he could bear to lose somea that chub, nobody likes a fat girl (hes 12!) and is like Ah. and hes less self conscious about his weight now bc hes accepted the fact most of his weight is muscle and hes naturally curvy partly bc hes pretty and partly bc hes a runner. hes very very secure in himself and his identity even if he cant just tell people hes trans

he probably wouldve continued religiously if he hadnt been told by multiple sources that the “behaviors” he engaged in would upset god and get him banished to hell for life so he stopped going to church when he moved. of course, god only confirming he was his gift to the earth made him (silently) rub it in his familys face and he stopped uhh. believing in what was taught at churches simply bc he was convinced hed met god and proved all of them wrong? anyway

at the age and place he is he tends not to make lasting relationships with many people, at least romantically, because hes positive one of these days hell move to a place people dont know him and hell have had surgery and suddenly fit in with the cis and be able to settle down then. god knows he has the money for it; but for where hes at he tends not to care, not to tell anybody, n probably hasnt uhhh yknow Bonked for several years which is whatever he lives. He Lives. i think thats all i have to say on this IM SO SORRY but. this ask is very important to me

#Anonymous #➫ＰＯＰ ＱＵＩＺ！| ASK ♕ #➫ＫＩＮＤ ＯＦ Ａ ＢＩＧ ＤＥＡＬ．| MUSE ♕ #➫ＯＨ， ＷＥ ＤＯＮＥ ＡＬＲＥＡＤＹ？| OOC ♕ #[ THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK i think about trans scout every day of my fucking life ] #[ i could probably have put this into better words if i looked back and found my hc threads on twitter but this covers essentially - #- all of the bases So ]

[urbxntwilight]

I just think beauty is bullshit and makeup culture is bullshit and dieting culture is bullshit not to be all We Live In A Society but I look at myself naked in the mirror and immediately notice things I wish weren't there even though they're supposed to be there and my body is just like that why are constantly mocking and laughing and hating and shaming ourselves and others for shit abt our bodies that is Fucking Natural

like all men talk abt is how they want a girl w big titties and make fun of girls w big titties for having 'pepperoni nipples' or mocking girls for having hair under their arms and on their legs or making sexist memes abt how gross "hairy pussy" is or the "fishy pussy smell" when it's supposed to have hair and it's supposed to smell who cares if it's gross it's supposed to be like that

actually the fact that there are fucking names for natural body stuff tht ppl deem unattractive you have 'strawberry legs' bc of the red dots on ur legs cuz u shaved them that's gross oh you have 'thunder thighs' cuz ur overweight haha that's gross ew u have a 'muffin top' cuz ur fat haha oh u have 'cankles' eww and the fucking fact that men n women perpetuate this bs

u have no fucking idea how much these little offhand comments abt ppls appearances can do to their self esteem and confidence bc it's happened to me and I guarantee it's happened to u too

u have men n women killing themselves and dying from anorexia trying to be thin bc no matter how much they starved themselves they weren't thin enough and they believed that they'll finally be happy with themselves when they're thin bc media n shit has told everyone that ur unlovable and deserved to be treated as subhuman if ur fat or "morbidly obese" (which is such a gross term)

fat people get told the grossest most dehumanizing shit every day of their lives bc they had the audacity to Exist While Fat and then ppl will just say it's bc they 'care abt their health' and then turn around and get blackout drunk at a quiznos

there are grown women who are Petrified of going outside without makeup on bc they were taught that the way they naturally look isnt presentable or attractive and women bond over the amount of weight they 'need' to lose and 14 year old girls developing eating disorders bc someone on tiktok said if u pinch ur arm and it's more than an inch of skin ur fat or some bullshit and putting makeup over their acne effectively making the acne worse bc god forbid ppl know that u have skin and r going through puberty and little south asian girls crying while tweezing their eyebrows bc the other kids will make fun of them if they have a unibrow or dark skinned girls rubbing fucking bleach on their skin cuz u don't wanna look like a 'd*rky' or whatever the shit and oh ur lips r too thin haha u have no lips oh haha ur lips r too big u look like a fish ew u have cellulite on ur ass haha ur boobs r lopsided haha u have acne on ur back n face haha ur ears stick out haha ur body jiggles when u move haha

and I get that ppl wear makeup n fancy clothes cuz they wanna look their best n that's fine I just feel like u should only wear makeup if ur comfortable with urself as you are without it you don't even have to convince urself that ur perceived flaws r "beautiful" u just have to Accept them and make peace w ur own body bc it's yours

ppl can do makeup for themselves when the Kardashians r selling makeup to put on your fucking legs bc u can't let anyone know that irl u don't look like a cover model whose every imperfection was airbrushed into oblivion no I don't believe ppl r doing that shit for 'themselves' ur fucking lyingggg

like do I constantly have to be trying to be Beautiful and Sexy can't I just be alive

like no I'm not gonna wear makeup I'm not gonna watch ur fucking YouTube tutorials I'm not gonna buy ur diarrhea tea u r going to respect me as I am and as I look like on a normal day and ur going to fucking deal with it it's bullshit it's bullshit it's bullshittttttttttttt

#rant #long post

[visenyatargaryen-archive]

i'm so sorry about your mum hon i know what it feels like i have eating disorders too and my mum keeps telling me how fat i am and it hurts so much but please take care of yourself and don't listen to her! i'm sure you look amazing and you don't need to change a single thing abt yourself just because others say so, the most important thing is that u stay healthy and as comfortable as possible in your body so working out is great because it's good for u but you don't owe losing weight to anyone!❤

Oh god I'm so sorry for you!!!! My mom never called me names (well, not names regarding my physical appearece anyway) so I can't even imagine how horrible it must be. I am such an extremely fragile person, I'm so easily breakable that the smallest thing or comment leads me down a spiral of negative thoughts, that's why it hurt me so much when she told me not to gain any more weight. And I know, I know I don't owe losing weight to anyone, and that my weight doesn't determine my value, but I've always had such unresolved issues with my body. I've always been the skinny girl, until one day I wasn't, and I was at a normal weight, and that made me go completely off the rails like if I'm not skinny I don't feel like myself, cause skinny is all I've ever been. I know this is fucked up, but this is my mindset and I tried to change it and I can't. I'm so sorry though 💕 hopefully things will get better for the both of us

#ask #tw eating disorders

[tarynagonis-blog]

Research Journal: Week 6

Interviews have been scheduled for early next week!

I posted my survey on all of my social media! So far have 25 responses, yikes, only 35 to go!! Don’t worry though I emailed the DU dance team asking them if they could take the survey so hopefully that will get some more. Ill also continue to post about it till I reach 60, but wish me good luck anyway.

I thought I would share the open responses I’ve received thus far since I find them to be super interesting and honest! The question was:

Are there any other experiences ideas that you wish to extend upon to aid with my research? If so, below you can let me know.

Here are the answers I’ve received thus far:

It is hard to watch friends who have an eating disorder. You want to be supportive, but you also wish they could actually see what they are doing to themselves. It is very difficult because you don't want to alienate them and make things worse.

At times I may see my body differently than others and that causes me to have low self-esteem

Being a size 4 amongst a sea of size 0s made a huge difference in how I saw myself in the mirrors lining every single wall of my dance studio. It influenced my self-esteem to a degree high enough to affect my dancing and rate of mistake-making. All I knew was that my costumes were always mediums or larges while everyone else's were extra smalls and looked more right on them than they did on me.

Dance is a sport in which many individuals are skinny and or forced into this narrow field of beauty. There is a lot expected of dancers in terms of their body. It can be very detrimental to a dancer's vision of herself. I hope that this can change in the coming years. I myself have put pressure on myself to look a "certain" way, but each day I am trying to love myself more than the last. Hope this makes sense xo

Still recovering from an eating disorder even after not being a dancer for three years. Dance teachers told me that I didn't have an eating disorder when I had to get treatment and that I needed to lose weight.

sometimes i feel fat in my costumes and don't always feel confident

My flexibility not being as great as other girls because my larger body got in the way

I have never once chosen to wear just my leotard and tights, like many of the dancers in my class do. I always wear a ballet skirt - it covers my fat and hides the line wear my tights end (and my body rolls over). I wish I could just wear a leotard and tights, but I don't feel comfortable being so exposed.

almost impossible not to be self conscious when staring at a mirror with all your peers around and only wearing a leotard

Observation Field Notes

A Ballerina’s Tale- Misty Copeland Documentary

May 4th 2017, 8:40pm, my dorm

Sipping apple cider (taste and smell)

Begins in a majority black dance class

Ballet emerged in court culture renaissance Italy, developed in France, is a large part of European culture

1:52 “Many ballet companies believe that dancers of color or muscular body types would distract the audience.”

3:13 “Only 1% of all ballerinas make it into elite companies each year.”

6:25 “cause then I could see myself in that mirror, from the front and I can see myself in the mirror from the side. Which is nice so you can see all angles of yourself when you’re working at the bar.”

6:46 “I’m a crazy perfectionist.”

9:00 “I started to develop ways of critically thing about things, which I never had to do before.”

11:50 “When you’re in your adolescence and you’re dancing you don’t get to experience what normal kids get to experience. You don’t get to date, you don’t go to parties, you don’t hang out, as soon as school is over you’re going straight to practice and to dance class.” Misty’s BFF

12:06 “that was around the time that I was first being told to loose weight by ABT. And I has no idea how to handle that. I never had to watch what I ate. I had no idea how to take care of my body, it was just naturally the way it was and it worked for Ballet until I hit puberty then it all changed.”

12:31 “The skinny ideal that a lot of contemporary audiences associate with Ballet today, is strictly a modern phenomenon, and it can actually be sated to 1963 when George Balanchine was able to start creating the ballet and the ballerina according to a vision he had, an ideal vision he had of a dancer.”

12:58 “no longer a woman on the stage, you get these prepubescent girls.”

13:03 “flat chested, um… encouraged not to eat to the point of not being able to menstruate.”

13:18 “ it literally has killed ballerinas and doesn’t need to exist at all.”

14:18 “I was coming home at night and just feeling so bad about myself and I would call Krispey Kreme… and I would eat a dozen donuts in one sitting. I was overeating because I felt so bad about myself.”

14:48 “I just this pattern of like feeling so ashamed that I didn’t even want to come to class in the morning, I didn’t want to stare at myself in the mirror.”

16:40 “she felt very alone and she felt a lot of self-doubt.”

19:46 “The aesthetic of the body is so important in ballet.”

20:55 “my spirit melting, my esteem melting”

21:36 “I feel like a lot of times, what I’m being judged on is my aesthetic.”

22:41 “It may be the fact that I have a large chest. It may be the fact that I’m muscular.”

24:01 “ your body type is not going to hold you back.” Misty realized what an influence she could be

30:58 “Oh my god thats a curvy  black woman on the front of the met.”

Ended documentary at 10:56

So far I’ve noticed that not only is the constant staring in a mirror a large part of one’s critical view of their body image, but it is also in some cases the teachers who may encourage weight loss according to both survey responses and the Misty Copeland documentary.