#also is it weird to feel self-conscious about posting too much art??? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

oddthesungod · 1 year

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blue and green 💙💚

#critical role #critical role fanart #dashrym #orym of the air ashari #dorian storm #ashton greymoore #critical doodles #suggestive #i suppose #ashton honey you need to freshen up ur nail polish #also is it weird to feel self-conscious about posting too much art???#during the week i'll tinker with various drawings inbetween work #and then come the weekend i'll just have a bunch of em that just need a couple finishing touches #and then i'll have a ton of shit to post #but also be like 'odd stop youre gonna spam ppl'#and it makes me feel self-conscious #I DONT KNOW MAN #anyway........ hey how you doing #seen any cool birds lately?

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determunition · 22 days

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Hi so I’ve curious, (Been nervous about starting my own AU) When you first started posting OFH (on twitter/ao3) how did you get the courage to post it? Were you ever afraid of getting called ‘cringe’ or ‘weird’ or anything else negative? If so how were you able to get over it? (Btw I do love this AU with all my heart!) Sorry if any of these questions are too sensitive!

hi!! thanks for the questions, i'm flattered to be considered a source of wisdom about this x3

OFH/retyrement, like most fandom things i do, started as kind of a silly shitpost thing; i love human AUs, and when my buddy squid_hug made that original text post about the retirement home it tickled me too much to ignore. objectively the scrybes being human old people bickering in a retirement home is a goofy, silly idea, and that's how it started as an AU, down to the written fic. i think that in itself made it a bit easier to post about

however! even with that, when i started posting the first pieces of art it was definitely a "do it scared" situation lmao; i don't remember where i heard this, but in some cases it takes even more courage to do something new when you're already known for something than it does to start something new with no presence at all, and that was definitely true with the retyrement AU. it was my first contribution to the fandom too! i was definitely worried it wouldn't go over well with anyone bc it was so damn niche lolol

my main piece of advice for getting over this fear (besides just doing it scared until you're not scared anymore) is to get yourself a hype squad lmao; though maybe the more accurate term would be a mutual AU ecosystem. i had squid to develop a lot of the AU with me at the start and we bounced a lot of silly ideas off of each other, and now i have a lot more folks around to crack jokes and hype each other up about our art and fics! also at the beginning i had a point where i was feeling a little self-conscious about continuing to post (the AU had a painfully small amount of engagement at the beginning lol), but as soon as i got one (1) ask saying "i wanna see more of this" i took that as my green light to get as silly with it as possible lmao

so ig my TL;DR advice is: don't take shit too seriously, remember it's all in good fun, and surround yourself with folks who enjoy funny lil AUs as much as you do! the second thing can be hard, as it involves uh, putting yourself out there in the first place, but embracing that discomfort is a necessary evil for having a good-ass time! if you can successfully kill the part of yourself that cringes then you'll never be cringe again

godspeed on your own AU endeavors, the digital world is always better for having another crazy creative alternate universe in it <3

#doot answers #retyrement au #didn't want to make an already long post even longer but #i'm also not on twitter lmao #idk what it's like over there but #i feel like the climate here on tumblr is a lot more cozy for silly AUs in general #i can't recall getting a single negative comment about the AU as long as i've been posting about it here #and the fact that it's tumblr is probably why lol #cringe is way more dead here than anywhere else on the internet methinks #also let this be a lesson to potential AU audiences as well #if you like someone's AU #drop some sick tags or a funny lil ask about how much you like it #people being interested in my stuff truly does make my world go round #and i have zero doubt that my silly AU brethren would say the same

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entomolog-t · 1 month

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Can you tell us one or more little ranfom facts about characters of each of your stories you just have but couldn't find a good opportunity to share? Because everyone who have ocs have these

HECK YES!! ANY OPPERTUNITY IS A GOOD ONE!! I gotcha!! But fair warning, this is gonna be a long post 😭💕 Some of these allude to much bigger plot points later on in the stories 👀

Bite Me

Aedes is very much enticed by the color red. Theres definitely some biological reasoning behind it, with him being drawn to blood and such. The same way the a particularly sweet/gourmand perfume may be enticing, that how the color red also stirs something in him.

June is a skilled musician, being able to play an array of instruments at an intermediate level or above. She is a regular at her local bar's open mic nights and karaoke nights.

The Shadow we Cast

Sal has a weird sort of hang up with being handled by people. He doesn't mind being carried- and actually quite enjoys it, having no issue with being near/on people. Despite the fact he's okay being picked up, he is firmly against being grabbed. He has no issue with physical contact on his own terms (and is quite the hypocrite with invading other people's space without it being on their terms) but any prolonged (especially restrictive) contact that was not initiated by him?? Big no no.

Mark struggles with body image issues. He's quite thin/small and has wanted to be in better shape for nearly his entire life but has struggled with feeling self conscious, especially in a gym environment.

Betty will knock things off Sal's shelves if she's not given enough attention. This will often scare Lucy who will scramble away from the commotion (Y'all gonna meet Lucy in the next 1-3 chapters 👀)

INSTAЯ

Bram has a wild array of sounds he can make. He can make these sounds whenever it suits him, however I've listed some typical examples

Example 1 - Frustrated

Example 2 - Scared/angry

Example 3 - This one is interesting, when mixed with more chittering and buzzing sounds, this is close to how Bram sounds trying to speak. Though the chirping/whistling sounds are also what it sounds like when he's laughing/crying.

Dawn is incredibly handy, and tends to fix things/make things herself rather than buying things. She is able to get by without working in a traditional sense, having a lot of odd jobs, favors, and skills that let her get money in unconventional ways.

Honey is a 1-2 year old yellow lab that has a talent for getting into trouble. She occasionally sneaks over to the neighboring farm to torment/play the sheep. The neighboring farm dogs don't mind her company too much, though she's gotten chased off the property for being a nuisance more than once. She has returned home with a calf more than once- much to Dawn's embarrassment.

Clyde is Dawn's brother. He left town to pursue a university education (*cough cough* play varsity hockey).

Finding Strength

Tamius is a highly intelligent borrower with a passion for learning and putting his knowledge to use. He is naturally incredibly gifted over a broad stroke of topics (math, sciences, arts). He is voracious in his search for knowledge and understanding, and is ever infuriated by the relative gap in both access to information and the sheer volume of opportunity had by humans relative to his own kind.

Rose is a varsity wrestler struggling with her identity outside of sport. Dedicated and skilled as an athlete, Rose is an average-ish student who has no clue what path lay ahead of her.

#g/t community #AskEnto #JuneOC #AedesOC #Bite Me #HoneyOC #BettyOC #SalOC #MarkOC #LucyOC #TSWC #BramOC #DawnOC #ClydeOC #Instar #INSTAЯ #FS #Finding Strength #RoseOC #TamiusOC

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pb-dot · 7 months

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WIP Wednesday: What Next

So those who follow my work on The Clockwork Boy may have noticed that I recently finished the preliminary edit of the thing at the end of last week. The question does come naturally, what is next. Now that I'm back in the land of the conscious after floating fundamentally disconnected from the world for a few days, it's time to answer the question, and it's Wednesday. Isn't that convenient?

Truth be told, I'm kind of dragging my feet on the next step on TCB. I know the end goal is to get published, but the steps between that and now seem a bit fuzzy to me. I need to rope in some beta readers, decide whether to try for an agent, or just start bothering small publishers directly. The main problem here this that all of these require being Percieved, and I don't exactly love that. One of these days, though, I'll drink too much coffee and get it done.

Next up is the question of what I'll write next, for there is no doubt in my mind I need to write for my brain to work properly. I plan to participate in NaNoWriMo, but I am struggling a little bit with choosing which novel idea I'll aim for. I could very well write The Clockwork Guardian, the first sequel to TCB in which we meet some new antagonists, Adrian falls ill, and Jake loses something very important. On the other hand, I also kind of want a small Hearts In Clockwork break.

My other two options, as I have alluded to earlier, are the following: The Artist: A slow-burn horror (maybe romance?) following an art critic on an obsessive quest to meet an infamous artist whose art allegedly drives people into violent rage or acts of debauchery. Once he manages to meet the guy he seems almost too nice, although it is admittedly kind of weird that the doors in his isolated alpine home lock automatically at midnight.

Draugr: A young couple moves to rural Norway when one of them inhereits a house from a distant relation. The house is an odd, over-elaborate mansion built on a small island along the shore whose mysteries are almost as many as the required repair jobs. Try as they might, however, our protagonists can't quite seem to fit in with the locals enough to unravel either, seeing as just about everyone view them with apprehension, if it isn't outright hostility. More worryingly, there's a history of violence connected to the decaying grand construction, and on clear nights, strange lights can be seen from somewhere in the depths of the sea.

So it's going to be horror either way, but I haven't decided on which of these to try. Since I have plenty of time, my current plan is to sketch out an outline and synopsis for both and maybe get started on some character profiles, with a little luck one will feel more exciting to me than the other once I've fiddled with them a little.

Also in closing I will mention that I'm working on a little something for the Clockwork Boy fans this spooky month. Without spoiling too much it's supposed to be self-contained and explicitly non-canonical. If it's any good remains to be seen, but it'll probably be good fun for all involved, at least for certain values and interpretations of fun.

Tag List

@ettawritesnstudies @mrbexwrites @teacupsandstarlight @anonymousfoz @wrenofthewords @sm-writes-chaos @dyrewrites @owlsandwich @olive-riggzey @athenswrites

If you want to be put on the Tag List for this project, please interact with my Tag List Post

#hearts in clockwork #the clockwork boy #writing #writeblr #peebs thinks

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weirdly-specific-but-ok · 3 months

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Hiiiii!!!

The Hindi songs guy again (salaamat recommendation, if "Hindi songs guy" is too vague)! Firstly, thanks for telling the name of the song, I listened to it and *sighs* it was them!

Secondly, i didn't know you were from India too! Got to know some days ago from your posts, and then just read your post when you were drunk and telling about India. And I fully agree, it was accurate (and as a North Indian, I'm sorry for the racism🙊). And I'm also sorry about the transphobia and every other awfulness you might've experienced. I love youuuu (sorry if this is too weird🙆🏻‍♂️). Also, the career prospects thing was 100% true: I was 'supposed' to become a doctor, but I had taken science just coz i liked it, and then there was a three years long tragic battle against doctor as a career, and then finally after a failed suicide attempt, I was able to choose English Literature, and things are only now (5 years after the fact) looking better....sooooo I guess your fears about college are totally valid but it will be better, you'll meet great people and learn so much beautiful stuff and create sooo many brilliant thingss! Again, I love youuu (and again, sorry if all of it is too much info, too weird, I'm just...weirdly emotional, idk why)

Thirdly, I really like your name! Asmi is a beautifullll nameee!

Fourthly, sorryy for the long and weird ask, just... I'm glad to know someone else from India here, who's also a Good Omens fan and evidently a lovely person. Sooo lots of long tight hugss!

Lastly, sorry for all the sorrys, and you can totally ignore this if it's uncomfortable or anything (if you couldn't tell by the sorrys, I'm super self-conscious, so thanks for the anonymous option)

Love and hugss, and best of luck for college, for your art, and life in general!❤️

Hey anon maggot! I'm so happy you listened to the song and loved it.

And thank you so much for sharing this with me. It's awful that you had to go through all of that, and I'm so proud of you for surviving. I spent three years preparing for medicine too (11th and 12th year, which caused me to fall sick and miss the NEET test, so I took a gap year etc) and I really did want it. Well, I thought I did. It was more that I didn't think I had any other choice.

TW: explicit mentions of transphobia and disregard and discrimination on the basis of mental health below. Skip the below paragraph if you need to.

I'm glad you're doing better. Yeah, I am not looking forward to college. I know there will be fun parts and all. But I had a go at college for three months back in August, and despite it being very liberal and open and stuff in theory, I had to drop out because the entire student body was isolating me because of my mental health and things my ex-roommate had said about me, and a lot of transphobia from the admin too. When I went to the dean and told her I felt unsafe and the environment was horrible, she told me to stop being so self-absorbed (and then denied she said that the next day to my parents). Luckily after the whole medical ordeal my parents had learned to listen to me and they helped me leave.

I will try again. It's just that it's... disheartening. That was design school, too, just like my next college will be. And I really did try my best. It's weird thinking about all that stuff because Tumblr and you maggots have kind of, well, healed it in a way, and given me such a safe space here that it feels unbelievable that the real world could be so, so fucking shite. Apologies for the vent here, but I do want to be honest, and I want everyone who's faced the same thing to know that they're not alone. Because I know so many people, too many, who've been there.

Thank god for Good Omens and you all. For the ridiculous amount of support and love and joy I've got here. It's easier to forget about all of it for a while when I focus on Crowley's pouts and Aziraphale smiling and making you all laugh.

And hey, you have nothing to feel sorry for. I'm so grateful to you for taking the time to write this. I love you too, anon maggot, so very much. Take all the tight hugs right back. I'm so proud of you for fighting for the future you wanted and deserved. I know it's not easy, both to fight with your internalised doubt and the others.

I'm so proud.

Good luck.

All the love, Asmi

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autistpride · 3 days

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Hi.. I hope you don't mind a bit of a long ask. So I've seen from your posts that you have autism, and I was wondering if I could have your opinion on something. More recently I've been questioning if I might have autism myself, but I'm really unsure about it and my family seems pretty adamant that I don't. The main reason that they think I don't is because they're used to stereotypes, and they don't think I could have it because I understand and use a lot of sarcasm, even though I've told them that it's a spectrum and everyone is different. Of course I know that your opinion won't make up for an official diagnosis, but as of now I'm too embarrassed to even mention that I MIGHT have it, because if I'm wrong I'll feel like one of those people who fakes disorders or something. So, if you're willing to listen, I was going to list out some of the traits that I've been called 'weird' or 'alien' over, and see if maybe you think they could possibly mean autism? I hope that's okay with you 😅

•I always get the exact same foods from restaurants that I go to frequently. If they don't have what I usually get, I most likely won't eat anything at all.

•Speaking of those foods, I always eat them in the exact same order. The burger, then the fries, then the nuggets. The breadsticks, then the fish, then the shrimp, y'know? I don't know when or why I started doing this, I've just sort of always done it.

•I have a huge problem staying still, something that I get very self conscious about in public. I'm always tapping my feet, rocking back and forth, clicking something in my hands, chewing on water bottle caps, and just generally refusing to sit in one spot. I also love to pace when I'm trying to formulate ideas, as I feel it really helps me think.

•I can't stand wearing jeans. I mean I won't go crazy if I have to, but they always make me feel restricted. I thought for a while that it was just how restricting they were, but I've found that other tight pants don't make me feel the same way?

•I DESPISE nail files. I can't explain it, but just the sensation of that sandpaper-like stuff rubbing against my nails activates my fight or flight response, I just feel like bolting it gives me bad goosebumps all over.

•I hyperfixate on stuff hard, I pick things up quick but also drop them hard. Recently I picked up DC/Batfam as a hyperfixation and I've been fully leaning into it ever since, spending pretty much all of my time making art or stories about it (Or at the very least thinking about the characters in some way). However back a few years ago I was hyperfixated on Markiplier Egos, and then one day I just.. Dropped it out of nowhere, and haven't been able to pick it back up since.

•This one's really iffy but I feel like I get irritated a lot super super easily, and I used to think it was just anger issues but for one: It's almost never something to get upset about, and for two: It usually happens when I've been talking to someone for a little too long or when someone interrupts my quiet time. So if we're going with the whole maybe autism thing, it might be overstimulation..? Idk..

•I'm super light sensitive, pretty much every time I go outside I say 'Wow it's bright out there" when I come back in. It's so noticeable that I used to not only notice, but attribute it to an eye injury I had once. Except that injury wasn't serious and is fully healed, so that's probably not it.

•I have a lot of trouble speaking sometimes. I feel like my words never come out the way that I want them to, and I often end up slurring them around so much that what I'm trying to say becomes pretty much incomprehensible, which always makes me frustrated because I get misunderstood a lot.

•I don't really understand what other people are feeling most of the time, and I get annoyed when they won't just tell me what they want instead of vaguely hinting about it and expecting me to know what they need.

•I'm always being told to speak up because I 'mumble', even though I think I'm talking at an acceptable volume.

•I ramble. A lot. (Sorry 😭👍)

But yeah, those are just some of the thing that I've been jokingly called 'strange' for over the years. Like I said earlier, I know that your opinion is nothing like an actual diagnosis, but hearing your thoughts on whether or not I might have it would mean a lot to me since you're someone who's been diagnosed!

Hi annon!

Let me preface this by saying I'm so proud of you for really taking the time to think about all this and dig into your life and behaviors.

Then to ask someone about it is very brave!

I wish there was a way to reply without showing your entire ask message. I feel terrible sharing your private thoughts with everyone.

I'm not a professional so I don't feel qualified to say yes or no. And as much as I want to give you some reassurance, I can't give you something definite. Especially when I don't know you in order to form a proper opinion.

Yes many of those things are things that indicate you could be autistic.

There is a lot of overlap and they could be things related to other Neurodivergent diagnosis such as ADHD, anxiety, OCD, etc and not just autism.

However, I will say if you're even questioning if you're autistic it's a pretty good chance you're autistic or some kind of Neurodivergent. Most neurotypical people often don't think this hard on if they could be autistic or not. 😉

You have put a lot of thought into this and my suggestion is to keep researching and doing what you're doing. Keeping notes also if you'd like. Why?

Because....

1. Keeping notes and continuing research allows you to have a record of everything.

2. The notes would also come in handy for if you ever seek an assessment.

3. With more time, you will become more self aware and confident in your thoughts on what you believe about if you're autistic. You can then sit down with your family and explain why you think you're autistic.

4. If the comes a time you'd like to try an assessment, you can talk to a gp or therapist if you have one and have them place the appropriate things for you to have that done. Your family needn't be part of the process if you're of legal age. But you may need adult permission for the evaluation if you are considered a minor.

5. Self diagnosis is valid in the autism community. Its valid because a diagnosis is very challenging for many to obtain, and in some situations dangerous.

This doesn't mean someone just wakes up one morning and says "oh I think I'm autistic today". No. They have done hours and hours of research and evaluated their own life, mannerisms, and behaviors, and said "I really think I'm autistic."

Self diagnosised individuals get the benefit of knowing themselves and finding support in the community without ever getting access to supports any official way. They can't get school/work accomodations, financial assistance, medical/mental health services, or really any supports put in place that require an official diagnosis to obtain.

Some would claim self diagnosis isn't valid due to exactly what you pointed out, making a claim of a diagnosis without qualifications and due to the huge overlap and other factors, but the wait times, cost, and unfortunately things like race and gender are barriers to obtaining an assessment and diagnosis. I know in the UK the current NHS wait time is 7-10 years unless you go private. I know in the US getting an assessment as an adult is challenging as most professionals won't evaluate people over 18 and the cost is upwards to $7k depending on location because most insurances won't cover it.

You are always welcome to continue messaging me. I'm happy to answer any questions and I honestly enjoy talking to people when I can.

And in case no one's told you

You're not broken, a burden, and there is nothing wrong with you!

Be your best and amazing self! ✨

#my asks

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an-architect-of-words · 5 months

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hello! sorry if this is weird but i recently joined the ud fandom (only 9 years late 😬) and i hopped on the subreddit and found your posts - your comments are my absolute favorite!! your analyses are super insightful and i love that you love chris as much as i do (my fave boy!) 🥰 if this is out of place please ignore, but otherwise i wanted to ask about some of your chris/ud character headcanons if that's okay! 1. what do you hc are chris's best subjects in school, ranked from best to worst? 2. does chris break out easily and does he get embarrassed by it? 3. if chris/ashley get together post-game, would they be into pda or would at least one of them be self-conscious about it? 4. for all the ud characters: ranked from most to least, which of them likes intense roller coasters? thanks, bless! <3

Oh cool! I’m flattered you like my Until Dawn posting there 😃. And ohmygoshyeah Chris is my boy! I think there’s a ton of really cool characterization with him, Josh, and Sam. Also I just support his hopes and dreams!

First question: 1) Computer/Technology, 2) math, 3) science, 4) language arts (he got into AP Eng to be with Ashley imo, but it’s not naturally his strong suit), 5) history, 6) art, 7) music, 8) climbing class gym.

Second question: I’m gonna say yes because I relate to Chris, and I break out when I’m stressed and if I don’t keep a skincare routine 😂. I feel like he likes his skin and hair because he has that really intentional, dorky fauxhawk. He thinks he’s cool and wants to come across that way. So he’d have decent skincare and get really nervous if he flares up because what will Ashley everyone think?!

Third question: I feel like they’re 100% together post game because, when things were getting deadly, they both massively regretted never confessing. I think that feeling of regret would stick with them, and they’d try to stay together through therapy and whatever else. I think they get only mildly flirty in public but are super affectionate in private. They’re used to the idea of it after kissing in the lodge.

Fourth question: Honestly it’s hard to put this in a specific order. But I’ll do roughly what I think and say why! 1) Jess just because she’s supposedly a huge party animal (but she’d want Mike next to her). 2) Sam likes coasters. She’s an adventurous gal. 3) Josh loves to have intense fun too. He’s a huge partier, and I think he’d be SUPER interested in the way they’re built and how the builders achieved maximum intensity. He’d also be HYPED to go as a group. But he might have a hard time with them on bad mental health days. 4) Mike likes going on them with whomever his girfriend at the time is so that he looks confident and impressive. 5) Matt. He seems like he’d like the rush. 6) Emily thinks they’re dumb but goes on them with the others and holds a straight face the whole time. 7) Ashley gets scared on them. She’s the girl you can hear high-pitched screaming on any coaster 8) Chris. Honestly I just head-canon him not going on them due to this post making me really laugh! But I think it’s somewhat accurate that Chris doesn’t like being jostled or dealing with minorly inconvenient things but then would absolutely storm Hell for you 😂. He went all in trying to save Sam from the Psycho then went on a potentially fatal quest to save Josh from Wendigos.

#until dawn #chris hartley #mike monroe #ashley brown #sam giddings #josh washington #jess riley #emily davis #matt taylor #supermassive games

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lavenoon · 1 year

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HI, Luce! Can I be sappy for a moment? I just wanted to thank you a lot for making the discord server and your AU in general! It was already fun getting into the DA fandom, but getting into the server has been a whole other level of fun! I often wake up and really want to check it immediately in the morning to see what has happened while I was asleep. I almost didn't join at first because I am shy, though I'm glad I decided to do it anyways (training myself to get over social anxiety by interacting more, can't even tell you the amount of times I force myself to hit send XD) because it's always a great time all around! I've met some very nice people through it and even if it hasn't been open that long it really just became a nice kind of familiar very quickly <3 Your AU and all it's variations are so incredibly fun to discuss and provides so much inspiration and blorbo thoughts that accompany me throughout the day! I'm just so very glad we coincided in the same corner of this very vast internet! I'm sending you a giant hug and all the good vibes for your day <3

After trials and tribulations (got distracted) I finally got to this ask!

What makes is funnier is that I had to draft this and go work because obviously I didn't get further. NOW however <3

You may be sappy just know that I keep melting at this ask aaa

And I'm so happy you joined too!! And I'm glad (and proud - because man social anxiety is a bitch) that you're being brave and interact!! I'd miss you if you didn't!!

Now I'm gonna be sappy, be warned

Because, well, yeah! I love the server!! Initially I wasn't too sure about the idea, thought I'm getting ahead of myself, that there isn't actually that kind of interest - but I'm glad I asked friends in dms and also that one post on here and then made it happen, because it's just so so nice!

I'm a very chatty person by nature (when I'm comfortable), and I just. I love that I can just blurt out a thought and then y'all jump on it and make it better, enable me to make more, and make your own!! All while there's not this pressure for it all to be fully fleshed out already. It's more a dialogue, a development, and sparking so so many of the things that do make it on here also!

I'm of course not trying to make the server like, a dlc to tumblr content or anything, I don't mention it on here to tease anyone who isn't in it, I'm just a lot more comfortable chatting on there and I love the server! It feels like a, well, a cozy little cove! Everyone is nice and it's a fun place to show off anything new in life, blorbo related or not, or hanging in vc - I've actually done streams! With me doing art in my mornings there's just not that many people who could join in the first place, but in the server it's a nice little opt in option that allows for chatting on the side! I'm a little self conscious still about my art process but it's just so so neat to have people react immediately to what I'm cooking up? Like with the CS comic yesterday hehehe, telling/ later showing the twist as I'm sketching it? Hearing the reactions out loud? Definitely worth it!

And it's just. A comfortable little corner, doesn't feel too public, and even on the lurkier days it's just really cool to see the chaos and people sniping each other, it's a little community and I love it! I love seeing the little spontaneous doodles and the agentsona thoughts that wouldn't make it on tumblr simply from the way this site is set up, it's just chatting and I love it very very much. It's really really reassuring for me too because of that, it's direct interaction and wanted direct interaction from both sides! Because yeah, social anxiety (and also rejection sensitivity) is a bitch sometimes and tumblr is still a blogging website, not a chat website! (tumblr DMs are my mortal enemy, and not just because of the weird ones I got before)

So tldr; I'm also very very happy that we found ourselves overlapping spaces in the world wide web, because I am so happy to be here with you!

Also, you've been shown as online the entire time, I do hope you slept well despite whatever your phone is doing FHDJS

#answer let luce #chaotikanvas #server makes me feel mushy and warm and I regularly puddle in there #just slide in there whenever for some serotonin #there's SO many funny things happening I now understand why people put discord screenshots on blast on tumblr fghdjs #also the link in the original post is still valid #for anyone reading along and getting curious #the reblogs have an expired link but I edited the op #tho you can also ask for a new link?#I'm just. again thinking abt getting ahead of myself so I don't constantly advertise it usually fhdsj

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fallout-lou-begas · 2 years

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Less people know me on tumblr than they do on twitter so I feel a bit safer using this as, like, yknow, a blog that is personal, and something that’s been eating at me for a while is that the pencils to the first two pages of the next IKROAH have been done for a while but when I tried to ink them I fucked it up so bad that I’ll probably just have to completely redraw them, and I don’t think anything that discouraging has happened to me before since I started drawing back in 2020. It’s just been really hard to motivate myself for the mulligan when I’m already worried about messing the inks up again, and also I’ve been under a heat advisory for the past week and change so I’m already too hot and sweaty to be motivated to do much of anything lmfao

I remember when IKROAH first started I would put out issues every two weeks or so, and then once per month, and treated that as almost like a schedule or a deadline, which was insane! All while working the same full-time job that I do now! Admittedly that pace was only achievable because frankly my art was worse and sloppier and while impatience is definitely still my biggest weakness as an artist, I have undoubtedly improved over time but at a certain point making art better means taking more time on it. It’s created this weird conflicting feeling where art and comic pages aren’t something that I can just bang out in a day or a few days anymore, and even relatively small projects are pretty big time and attention investments. Obviously I could revert this by just embracing drawing more shittily but, like, come on, I have my own standards. And this isn’t insurmountable and doesn’t mean that I hate drawing now, not at all, but this change in my relationship to my art and my art-making has definitely been on my mind a lot, especially as I’m aware of how much I’d rather just play video games or hang out with my husband whenever I’m not at my job. Because that’s a big part of it, the increase in how much art feels like “work” means I don’t want to do it as much in my leisure time. It’s good work, it’s work that I love doing (much more than my actual job lmao), but it’s still work and lately I haven’t wanted to work!

It’s another funny balance. A wise friend of mine once said, bluntly, that you do it or it doesn’t get done. This applies to making and finishing art of any kind, reading books, cleaning house, developing skills, etc., and applies even if you’re sick or busy or distracted by myriad other things. If the only people who ever made and finished art were the idle people with the luxury of all the time in the world, we’d only have pretty shitty and boring art. So unfortunately the only way to get good art or to make it is to power through feelings of overwork or sickness or exhaustion or whatever is ailing you and make it anyway. Intellectually, I know this, but emotionally(?) I’m just dealing with a real lack of steam ever since I finished a zine at the start of May. It’s not like I depend on commissions or print sales for income or anything, anyway, so it’s not like I have an urgent need to be drawing, either, the way some other artists might be.

These thoughts don’t really have a point. I suppose I’m just self-conscious about falling off such a meaningful hobby to me for so long, about not Making Things, especially as someone who generally figured that she Makes Things? But it doesn’t feel like burnout or loss of interest, it just feels like I’m doing what I want to do and enjoying it and I just don’t want to make art as much as I used to. Maybe if I got paid my current salary to work on comics eight hours a day instead of doing data entry I’d get a lot more art done but that just goes back to the previous paragraph lol. I don’t really need any kind of “chin up lou, i’m sure you’ll be able to draw again soon” or “it’s okay take all the time you need” kinds of comments because I feel like I know these things already and I’m just Posting Through It

Anyway how’s your summer going

#louposting

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gisenchy · 1 year

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drinking from a poisoned well (from my tinyletter)

I wonder if I will ever stop trying to find myself in the culture I consume. I also wonder if the culture I consume is as much of a mirror as I think it is - does it have anything to do with me? Does it reflect me? And by reflect I mean does it tell you something about who I am, what matters to me, what I stand for?

Kanye West recently released his album Donda. As a reformed Kanye West fan, I’ve tried to find the words to describe the dull yet pulsing ache I feel when I think about his music and the impact that he has had on my life, whether I like it or not. I’ve issued a blanket mute to anyone I see posting that they are listening to his album...an album which I don’t need to listen to to know that it isn’t good. But more than the quality of the music itself, I don’t need to listen to the album because I don’t need to support his public alignment with accused and convicted rapists and sexual deviants, homophobes, anti-Semites, and misogynists. I have several problematic faves, but I don’t have 1 hour and 48 minutes to find out if anything on Donda is worth seeing past the list of collaborators, and the glaring lack of women in an album dedicated to his late mother. I don’t know the answer, I don't want to know, and I don't want to care.

Maybe that is the name for that dull, pulsing ache. Care. But not in the sense of, I care for you. In the sense of somehow this affects me with clear undertones of I wish it didn’t. Like seeing an embarrassing photo of yourself from years ago. Or like this week, I got a request from someone who asked about Fly Art prints. Toni and I have only spoken publicly (lol) about the slow death of Fly Art once and it is as simple as the two of us not being interested in the project anymore and also as complex as my (I can’t speak for Toni) relationship to the music and artists that I love and follow.

I have loved rap music for a finite amount of time. I think it came about as a result of having dabbled in dance, and also my appreciation for a good fucking beat. I admired the brashness with which a rapper could admit their (though it was often his) faults while also boasting of their success. As a very self-conscious yet vaguely confident (in the right context!) person, I saw myself reflected in the tricky balance between humility and the skill of embodying my own self. I promise! I am! So self-conscious. Rap, and by extension hip-hop fed my soul. When I first moved to Sydney, I attended a Yeezus show in total nosebleed seats. Kanye played the intro to Runaway twice after asking who in the audience was hearing it live for the first time. It was one of the best concerts I had ever been to. I still chase this same feeling: the distance from the stage bridged through shared, mutual adoration.

I leaned on Fly Art as part of my personality until the proverbial reed broke. I thought it made me cool and influential. I loved the attention so much. And it was fucking fun! Until we tried to make money off of it (We succeeded though) and it became a job. It was no longer fun, more than a cool hobby that made me feel cool and popular. And I just stopped listening to hip-hop. My taste in music changed, and it seemed that every rapper I admired was on a mission to remind me they were straight cishet men doing straight cishet men things, including:

Denying the existence of slavery, supporting one of the actual worst presidents of the United States, which is saying something considering they’re all fucking hacks (Kanye West)

Appearing to have groomed young women...and giving R FUCKING KELLY A WRITING CREDIT IN 2021 (Drake)

Threatening to boycott Spotify if they didn’t return the music of someone who abused their partner (Kendrick Lamar for xxxtentacion, weird tbh)

Fighting with women who were trying to encourage the general public to read??? (J. Cole, in an odd bid against literacy)

Featuring Chris Brown (unfortunately too many to name)

In summary, just a lot of stuff that left a bad taste in my mouth and left me questioning what I had signed up for. What my support meant. Worse, what did my profiting off of the work of black artists say about me across the ugly ugly backdrop of gender-based violence, systemic racism and police brutality? The slow death of Fly Art was really just the same story over and over again: people change and they indeed realise things. They do not condone misogyny and misinformation, which I strive to do. I also cannot stand albums longer than 16 tracks. Who even has the time?

That isn’t to say I don’t listen to any rap or hip-hop music at all. There is still a lot of it on rotation!!! But I can’t think of anything more exhausting than seeing Donda on my feed multiple times. I don’t have to listen to the album. I cannot believe how hard I stanned this man. Part of my disgust and anger is definitely directed towards me. There is an endless bowl of shame in there. I often call myself a “reformed Kanye West fan” because there is so much of his music that I love. And I resent him so deeply now because the more he continues to do *gestures vaguely* whatever this is, the more poisoned the well feels.

I understand that it is possible to like problematic people and to support artists or people in general who aren’t perfect. It is inevitable that everyone has fucked up at least once in their life. It feels like I’m reliving a cycle of disappointment that I feel for myself when I make a mistake or when I am unkind. Ha, maybe the point isn’t to find yourself in what’s out there, but to find it (speak to the manager) within. Maybe I just feel envious of people who are able to separate the art from the artist?

On the other hand, fuck that. There is a line. In a world that is rapidly taking away a woman’s right to her own body, where we are constantly in a deluge of violence of all sorts from men in power, I cannot believe that people I know are still listening to Kanye West! Openly!!!! Is any gesture of support worth the pain inflicted by the men I mentioned above? There will eventually be a time when I stop drinking from this bowl of shame, alienation and just straight up anger, but at the very least I know my answer. I want people to know that this shit doesn't sit right with me, because how else can we demand for something better? That’ll be enough. It has to be enough.

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kart0 · 2 years

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meds update plus rant: day 20

almost 3 weeks guys ! I'm doing it !! I need to schedule an appointment cuz I only have 10 pills left oof

hmm...folks, not gonna lie... these few days have been tough.. I started becoming more and more frustrated cuz I felt like they weren't working ( days 16-18 ) and my mom also asked me a few days ago "so... Dani... have you been feeling better ?" in which I replied "nope" and she asked "do you feel any different at all ?" and also again "nope"

btw it's not PMS lmao I swear

and then I got even more upset that, maybe I might just be undiagnosed with adhd ? cuz I'm still struggling with doing tasks, procrastinating, forgetting stuff, getting overwhelmed easily, getting angry easily. I had to change my bed sheets and I really started crying. I am so tired.. and it's hard to change the sheets cuz of my mattress and the shape of my bed and also I have to fold and put the comforter a certain way and its not exactly a simple and fast task and it can mess up the sheets and make everything look and feel wonky and... like fr I am not exaggerating... and then also I just. started going on a spiral yet again :(

I feel so insecure and I just wanna cry all the time. because I'm so tired. I keep forgetting or procrastinating to fix my sleep schedule. it's 2am rn...

I feel horrible with my appearance, I hate my face and my body, I hate everything about how I look. and I feel very ugly all the time, I'm too self conscious and too self aware of my surroundings and I can't never relax... don't slouch, don't show your teeth when speaking or smiling, don't move your head too much, don't touch your hair, don't stand this way it makes you look weird. I'm exhausted, why can't I just accept how I look...

I feel dumb, and untalented. I feel lazy, and stupid, because I keep seeing people around me succeed and I can never do that. yes I am fucking envious of people. no I do not wish them bad things but all I can think about is.. that could've been me if I had tried harder. if I had tried enough. if I forced myself to do it.

and it's taking such a toll on me rn I feel stupid and dumb and lime a failure.

I'm frustrated cuz I can't improve my artstyle either, nor my poses or composition. my art is so repetitive and unoriginal, and uncreative. predictable. forgettable.

boring.

n also, no one fucking interacts with me on twitter and I don't blame them cuz I never post art, not interact with them, and all I ever do is cry and vent like a fucking loser. who wants to read this shit anyways. but what makes it worse is that I'm currently at my peak, I have never had this much followers ever. and I know it doesn't mean worth but I can't seem to change this mindset

which makes me feel like such an imposter... how can I have this many followers when I don't post shit. when my art is shit. when I am a shit person. why are they following me, I don't deserve anything. and now it's even more pressure I want them to be happy I want them to not see how much of a loser I really am.

and I just. I don't know. I could do such great things. I know I have the talent. I know I am smart. but why can't I just be better, use my time more wisely, and improve myself. I am such a waste. that's how I feel most of the time, I'm wasting myself, wasting my time, my parents money. I'm so tired of being stupid and not doing what I have to do just cuz I don't want to do it.

it's a bad bad bad day and week. I guess this is the confirmation that the meds aren't working, or haven't started working yet. I just want to die

#me #update #rant #antidepressants

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cure-icy-writes · 2 years

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I’m jumping off of the Dress Up Darling post, and I think the wish fulfillment (at least in my eyes) us a two fold thing. That it can be read as the freedom to express your sexuality without drawing awkward attention to yourself or being degraded for it (I know some high school teachers of mine that would have flipped at Marin and how dresses+acts because of the belief she’s presenting temptation for guys to fall into), but also freedom of expressing interests in general, even if people would view the interest as something weird to have. It’s not just the popular girl liking anime, but enjoying it so much she wants to express her love via dressing as characters she loves. You’re the cosplay expert out of the two of us, so correct me if I’m wrong, but from what I’ve seen, cosplay still tends to get judged from an outside perspective because it gets viewed as weird. Because Marin and Wakana’s relationship is initially formed on the basis of cosplay, she doesn’t have to without her interests from him, and thus they can grow closer with one another. There really isn’t a fear of judgement, or at least a strong one. Marin can freely express herself, both in terms of her sexuality and interests

This is based off of my own experiences (school uniform standards can be whack) as well as my own journey with my sexuality and my physical presentation (which tends to lean more into body image issues than sexuality), but I thought I’d throw in my two cents

god i had such a hard time getting into cosplay initially because of the stigma. men are so so creepy and weird about it, and then there's this niche circle of male nerd hatred directed towards women not only being a part of 'their' fandom spaces, but having a voice and expressing their sexuality. I really just wanted some way to motivate myself to sew new things, and since I didn't have much fashion sense of my own at the time, I leaned towards cosplay as a potential way to do this. I was self conscious about the entire process, and school didn't make it any better. Sure, I got some small amount of admiration for my sewing skills, but I dreaded to actually explain what I was making.

And honestly, the fact that Marin wanted to cosplay a love interest in an 18+ game? Despite having very little sewing knowledge? Oh, she'd get ripped to shreds and passed around 4chan for SURE. But she's just... really passionate. About the character arc of a 'tumblr problematic,' sexy female character. And a lot of people can't understand why, can't see past the idea of sexiness as inherently objectifying and/or tempting. They can't comprehend female sexuality outside of the heterosexual male gaze looking down in disdain.

idk, you see a lot of sexy cosplays out there. And it's hard to tell how much of that is genuine self-expression and how much is motivated by the crummy world we live in. But those get a lot more attention, positive and negative, to the point where it feels out of proportion. There's this assumption that if you're into cosplay, you just put on your wig and pushup bra and instagram filters and that's all there is to it. But that's not it. There's so much work that goes into it, that goes largely ignored, and people still want to see it as an object, content to consume, rather than real people who learn.

I tried so many new things that i wouldn't have had a chance for otherwise. Explored aspects of myself, of stories. Heh, I even learned to walk in heels for cosplay-- bad idea, doing that the week before the con. Would not recommend, at all. I researched the inspirations behind each character when choosing materials and construction, I recreated concept art, and I got more comfortable with my body the way it was.

I try not to get too deep into the mainstream cosplay culture-- the idea of canon compliance as the pinnacle to be aspired to, and all the recycled beauty standards. Because at the end of the day, it's a personal journey of self discovery, yknow?

Marin and Wakana are a really interesting pair of characters, I think, because of how much they play with the idea of beautiful girl/ordinary guy. Marin has good looks and social standing, but she wants someone who will respect her for the messy, impatient, nerdy person she is, and she doesn't want to settle for anything less. Meanwhile Wakana is deeply focused and knowledgeable when it comes to clothing and dolls, but socially oblivious and deeply self-conscious about his interests despite wanting to make a career out of them. They are described as living in different worlds, but honestly? Despite being "the girl who has everything," Marin still feels isolated from her peers who don't get the intensity of her desires or her need to be understood.

Normally, they would have no reason at all to talk. But I hope this allows both of them to be confident and appreciated for their talents and desires.

#oops i went on a ramble #anyways yeah the fanservice is kinda excessive but if the characterization game is staying strong #i think i'm gonna keep watching

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myrandomautistichouse · 3 days