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notasapleasure · 1 year

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fanfic director's cut: only ever just one night!

ohhhh hohoho careful what you ask for my friend. But thank you <3

Only ever just one night - director's commentary meme

And while I'm here, a HUGE shout out of thanks to @weirdsociology-writes for reccing this fic!

BACKGROUND The first SW fic I've written in….five years! I've been noodling around very small fandoms since then. I mean like…under 20 fics total on ao3 for the main one (a Georgian film about gay dancers). And a 1980s band AU of a 1960s book series about a sixteenth-century Scottish mercenary where we call ourselves 'tiny fandom' for a reason. So it's both extraordinarily lovely to have so much engagement with this fic and also kind of alarming. To enumerate my alarm: (1) What if I haven't researched the world coffectly (see: misspelling 'caf' as 'kaf')? (2) What if my first fic for this fandom is my best and I have no other ideas to explore coherently? (3) What if I want to write more and it Grows Plot and I end up with just another perpetual WIP trailing its innards all over my ao3 dash? (4) What if I fluked out and wrote something people vibe with while in a trance, but my justification for my actions has bad vibes? However, I try not to cultivate shame, so Andor fandom, specifically Brassian fans: know that you are lovely and it's making Not Looking Down easier.

CONCEPT The fic ambushed me in a back-alley when I was still trying to work through what I did and didn't like about the show (having been immersed in Jyn/Cassian fic and Rogue One backstory when I last did SW fandom). But I knew that what I very much did like was that hug in Rix Road. I am an absolute sucker for second-fiddle characters who are just quietly waiting for an opportunity to fuck shit up on behalf of the skrunkly little creatures we call main characters. Thankless and loyal, competent and smart - not a himbo, but someone who's watching their friend get into trouble and rolling their sleeves up to wade in and help without being asked. The ones you trust to help you hide a body. Also for characters who seem…I don't know, too good to be true on the surface, but have deep reservoirs of potential for darker emotions. I could also have just said I like broad-shouldered black-haired guys who give the best hugs (Brasso. Irakli. Jerott.)

Anyway, I find the best way to explore the relationship between two characters I like is just to make them fuck. I'm being a bit flippant, but only a bit. Communication - spoken and unspoken - is key whether it's good or bad, and you can do a lot with a character's idea of themselves as well as their idea of the other person. It's a performance, it can be about getting a response, and there can be a lot of motives at work. So I wrote this fic to work out how I saw Cassian and Brasso's friendship through a long-term lens - the trust, but also the distance Cassian keeps. Brasso's concern for him, which is overlayed by his frustration at Cassian not telling him everything. Brasso going into these interactions with eyes wide open and still finding it worthwhile, because although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets. Cassian actually relying deeply on Brasso as a constant in the turbulent life he's made for himself and feeling something almost like guilt for letting himself rely on someone that much. But needing that little hit of stability too much not to keep coming back.

FIC

It's in the present continuous because I was possessed by brain worms and they insisted. I literally haven't written anything in that tense for years so…?

Well, I had to try to replicate that hug. Turning favoured scenes over and over with new words is a fun exercise. And while I am very eyes emoji at the idea of Luthen/Cassian I'm also into the idea of Cass having One Place he knows he can always go back to for safety and comfort without any sort of judgement, and that place being wherever Brasso is. Hence also the idea that, although Cassian claims it's for Brasso's safety that he won't say where he's been or who he's working for, there's also an element of Cassian preserving his bolt hole. If he keeps this relationship separate from the Rebellion then whenever the work he does becomes too much, he can always go somewhere that feels like away from the Rebellion. Which isn't exactly fair if Brasso might choose to be involved in the fight himself, were he given all the information. And is something I want to poke at properly if I can sort out the right kind of Macguffin for the plot I have in mind following up from this fic. It would encompass, in theory, Cassian moving from a state where his work for Luthen feels still like a kind of ownership/debt repayment/self-flagellation towards the kind of responsibility and service he treats it as by the time of Rogue One, where I don't think he has any kind of release valve or bolt hole or temporary place to escape/experience respite from The Cause.

All this is bound up with the idea that Brasso sees Cassian in a way many others on Ferrix don't. I think Maarva sees him, but she's too close to what she did and all the guilt and resentment around her just taking him from his home for that understanding to come without massive strings attached. And Bix, similarly, I think she understands Cassian perfectly well and she's made the conscious decision that That's Not For Her. For all the telling the series does about their previous relationship, the showing doesn't involve much pining (from my perspective), or inclination to get back together, just two people who know each other too well to put up with the other's bullshit. Brasso has that too, but with what the series gives us there's not the same kind of caveats to his understanding of Cassian. At least, that's how I see it.

Connected with 'although Cassian never gives anyone everything he gives something of himself to Brasso that no one else gets', I wanted to keep the two of them isolated from the other Ferrix survivors here. Cassian's in too vulnerable a place to face up to them all together - what's that trope, where a shapeshifter gets confused by being presented with too many things to change into? I think that would be Cass trying to maintain his armour around Bix and Bee as well - lying about the jobs he's doing and where he's been to them all together it too likely to leave him exposed. He can be selective with his information around Brasso, and he can tell when Brasso knows he's holding out and would rather he didn't, but Brasso's also not going to push too hard, because he knows that just gives Cassian an excuse to leave.

'Brasso merely nods - it's only ever just one night. The first time it happened he believed those words and afterwards, ablaze with memories of that one night, he had come to regret agreeing to it - he'd burned through the long sleepless hours between the first time and the second, convinced that he'd just learned what it was he truly wanted only to be denied any repeat of it. Then there had been a second 'just one night'. A third. Brasso had begun to understand that just one night actually meant something else when Cassian said it. It meant I trust you. I need you too much to ruin it by staying longer. I'll be back. I'll always need to come back.'

Of course, in trying to figure out how this would go as something established, I backed myself into a corner of wondering how it might have started - hence Counting on you (ugh I really wish I'd had the patience to think of better titles for these two fics). But I like the idea of seeing how this relationship came into being without ever really having been talked about, just changing bit by bit to incorporate more - as I was saying to @elwenyere, it's a ship of Theseus kind of deal, where both physically and emotionally they're scoping each other out and building on each encounter, as well as on the friendship they had anyway, but really it's just 'yes and-'ing each other without addressing their feelings directly.

I'll admit to taking a deliberately contrary stance to what I expected to be the default take on this ship - that Cassian would be more experienced, more likely to make the first move. I just prefer a dynamic in my ships where they're differently experienced and both invested in making the other feel good, so there's always a bit of a wrangle over who's initiating what. From the way Brasso meets Cassian's improvised alibi to the way he knows exactly where to find him with Maarva's message, I don't believe for one second this is a man who's shy about using his initiative. And like Cassian is, I think he's highly conscious of how people view him and his body and has learned to manipulate expectations around that - either to make himself seem less threatening or to do the opposite. It's something that's part of what they both get out of being together - no facade, Brasso doesn't need to make himself seem smaller or less threatening (he defaults to bumbling when confronted with Imperial patrols, it really takes a lot to get him swinging that brick on Rix Road) because Cass doesn't find him threatening, and Cassian doesn't need his sharp edges, or to make himself seem small in the way he does, too (I keep thinking of how those two Corpos talk about him in the bar in episode 1).

In the end, I think Cassian does believe he's not coming back. Whether because he won't last that long, or because he can't keep this reminder of life outside the dirty work of the Rebellion without the contrast hurting too much/compromising the armour he needs to do his work. And yes, a lot of this comes from pondering Cinta's attitude to her and Vel's relationship - again, if I manage to write more, expect them to be there and that to be part of it. So while it becomes clear to Brasso that Cassian thinks he's not coming back - in a different way from all the previous 'not coming backs', I think that catches Brasso off-guard. Because I think Brasso...wants to believe he would be more honest about how he feels if he really could grasp the idea of it being the last time he sees Cassian. He'd go all in if it was his last chance to do so. But without time to prepare? I think he's made too much of being the one who can let Cassian go (cf. Bix - he's always leaving) and that that's what lets him keep coming back. If you never give something a beginning how can you give it an ending?

A question I find myself confronted with regularly, 50k words in and utterly lost. Stay tuned?

#fic commentary #my fics #asks #director's cut meme #i just wrote you an essay....i'm sorry? you're welcome?#me: god this feels incredibly self-indulgent.#also me: THAT'S THE POINT #right?#cassian andor #brasso #brassian #andor for ts

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gentil-minou · 11 months

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Everytime I see posts like this I get filled with such profound sadness

Cause you know who has the same brainrot as you? The same unhinged feelings as you after you've read the fic? The person who always wants to scream about the fic with you?

THE PERSON WHO WROTE IT

I never used to leave comments but since I got into the habit of commenting on everything i enjoy it's been incredible. Especially when the author gets back to me about it and we get to have a discussion of what other ideas they had. One writer replied to my comment with a 5 paragraph essay detailing the Floorplan of the building the characters lived in and it was incredible

Anyways this is all to say that if you find a fic that just makes you want to scream from the rooftops, leave a comment saying that to the author and maybe they will join you and you can scream incoherently together

#i really think people have reached the point where they forget theres a person just like them who wrote the story #and it makes me sad its wonderful talking to authors #also this screenshot isnt mine i found it on twitter skkskfksk #fanfiction #fanfic #ao3 #archive of our own

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tofixtheshadows · 14 days

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I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

#Dungeon Meshi #Delicious in Dungeon #Kabru #Kabru of Utaya #Laios Touden #Dungeon Meshi meta #you can have him in the tags too. as a treat.#Dungeon Meshi spoilers #this was directly inspired by livelaughlaios's post about Kabru self harming but I decided it got too long to make it a direct reply #this is a theory I've been working on for weeks because I kept noticing this while skimming for screencaps #I'm hesitant to trigger tag this because of the way certain subcultures on tumblr operate #but if anyone needs me to add a content warning please let me know #also I included image descriptions! I did my best #I think they even help illustrate my points but my god were they sad to write. Kabru is so fucking sad you guys #musings with Dea

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gibbearish · 6 months

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love when ppl defend the aggressive monetization of the internet with "what, do you just expect it to be free and them not make a profit???" like. yeah that would be really nice actually i would love that:)! thanks for asking

#yes i want things to be free like ??? that is not a weird desire #'but but it costs money to keep up' ok and? how is that my problem #the government has plenty of murder dollars they could reallocate a few to make internet services universal if they wanted #also these companies were perfectly capable of supporting themselves before the internet got drowned with ads so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#edit: muting notifs on this post bc new additions have kind of petered out #so no one feel bad about adding something someone else has said‚ it is not bothering me im just trying to keep my #notifs page cleanish lol #also since i saw some people are being redirected to read my tags: firstly hiiiiii this is a special secret message for you:3 #secondly i have learned since making this that the reason they were able to support themselves previously was because #of investors bankrolling everything #and theyre now finally realizing that theyre never going to actually make a profit and arent as willing to invest #however thats just a minor correction and doesnt change my overall point #once again. so many murder dollars #so thats why im just adding it here in the tags rather than making an actual correction #anyways . love yall 💕#origibberish #bigger gibbers

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threefuckencrowsinatrenchcoat · 11 months

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Myself included tbh

#it’s a lifestyle #spn #it’s kinda a tumblr rite of passage at this point too #literally yesterday I found out ab the soap2day closing like this #and then ten minutes later people started texting me and posting on other apps freaking out #supernatural #destiel #destiel confession #destiel confession meme #dean winchester #castiel #this is also a little bit for the 196 girls who are inevitably gonna see the template eventually #196 #Reddit 196 #reddit refugee #HOW ARE PEOPLE STILL SEEING THIS ITS BEEN LIKE 6 MONTHS

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talaricula · 5 months

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Things I've seen tumblr memeing about James Somerton doing à la "How did no one see how bigoted he was!" as if those things haven't been a significant part of tumblr culture for over a decade :

Presenting untrue and bordering on conspiratorial versions of (queer or otherwise marginalised) history without any sources

Completely disregarding and disrespecting any expertise on socio-cultural topics/humanities and distrusting academics and historians (incl. acting as if no academics or historians could be queer or marginalised)

Downplaying the role misogyny played in the historical oppression of queer women and concluding that queer men must have been more oppressed than queer women

Bi women are, at best, not as queer as "real" queer ppl, and at worst, simply equivalent to straight women

Despite nominal trans inclusivity, transmasculine ppl are functionally women when convenient (combined with the above, bi transmascs are functionally straight women)

Despite nominal trans inclusivity (bis), shamelessly attacking, threatening and actively endangering any trans woman who questions them or smth they find important (often by unfairly presenting her as violent or as a threat)

Having absolutely fucking wild and reductive takes about ace ppl, the oppression they face and their place in the queer community

Stating that marriage equality is an assimilationist fight while completely ignoring its direct roots in the horrifying consequences of the AIDS crisis for partners of ppl who died of AIDS

Praising western media creators from the past for queer coding even under censure and in the same breath condemning current non western media creators for being homophobic bc their representation isn't explicit enough

Blaming China for all existing homophobic censoring in western media

Assuming all queer media would be better told by western creators and by western standards

Only out queer ppl get to tell queer stories

Heavily criticising almost all queer media created by women or ppl they see as such (see above points about trans ppl) or involving/starring a significant amount of women for any perceived or real amount of "problematicness", but fawning over and praising and negating criticism of queer media created by and starring mostly or even functionally exclusively men (even when it could be argued that, you know, not involving/seriously sidelining women is a pretty clear example of misogyny which should probably be considered "problematic")

And I'm probably forgetting stuff or there's stuff I have internalised myself and don't recognise as an issue

Like idk but I feel like the takeaway from Hbomberguy and Toddintheshadow's videos should maybe be "be aware of such patterns in your communities bc they definitely exist" and not "this guy is uniquely awful" and I feel like a lot of the discussion I've seen surrounding this has been severely failing at that. Most ppl who've spent any significant amount of time on tumblr prob either have internalised at least one of those thought patterns, have had to de-internalise them, or have had to be extremely vigilant to not internalise them (which is done by, you know, seeking out other sources, which also seemed like an important takeaway from the videos)

#Also I'm saying this as someone who actually watched quite a few of Somerton's videos #And noticed those patterns and stopped watching bc I recognised them from here #and had already learned to unlearn them after being so exposed to them here #And tbh I think anyone who hasn't had the luck or made the conscious choice to seek out ppl who pushed against those narratives #Would absolutely have fallen for this man's bullshit. Like let's not kid ourselves we see takes like this every day on this hellsite #2014 me would have. For sure.#This is next to the plagiarism issue which as Harris points out is an Internet wide issue and this includes tumblr #James Somerton #hbomberguy #todd in the shadows #This brought to you by a conversation with my wife yesterday #So many ppl on here don't deserve to meme or be this self absolvingly critical of this man #The call is coming from inside the house #The man has a tumblr it would legit not surprise me if some of the things he supposedly made up himself he did actually get from somewhere #And that somewhere was a tumblr post

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professorcalculusstanaccount · 1 month

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I remember discussing Tintin casting choices with a friend from Germany and remarked how it was odd he often has an English accent in adaptations rather than a Belgian one, and my friend just replied "that's because Tintin gives incredibly strong English boy energy (derogatory)"

Here in the UK there's a lot of weird classism tied into accents. Today accent diversity and representation in broadcasting is actively pursued but in Tintin's time there certainly was a preferred accent to have.

imagine this exchange happens between pages 28-29 in The Crab with the Golden Claws

#tintin #adventures of tintin #comic #captain haddock #archibald haddock #snowy #milou #fanart #the crab with the golden claws #i remember tintin crafting a trumpet to communicate with an elephant #and he remarks he must get the accent correct #very odd scenario but it shows he would be a stickler for that sort of thing #i also have to say accents do not indicate how smart someone is #a lot of pundits use an english accent to sound more credible #but i have to say there are a lot of fucking idiots here #me included #thank you 2011 film for validating my scottish haddock headcanon #any french speakers who have read to this point i wonder what your hcs are for his french speaking accent

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odetoscavengers · 6 months

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Something that could have been

#femurs art #carolina parakeet #quagga #great auk #extinct animals #extinct species #this was for a school thing #this series was made for ME #also this isnt supposed to be realistic #so like. i know that thylacines wouldnt make very good hunting companions but that wasnt the point of the piece #thylacine

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mcmissileproof · 8 months

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favorite hobby when I'm driving is to catch someone trying to climb up my back bumper while I'm going a completely reasonable speed and just slowly take my foot off the gas. you seem upset, brother. why don't we slow down and enjoy the view awhile

#if you won't maintain enough space to stop if I have to slam on brakes then I will just have to go slow enough that it won't kill us both.#kisses 💜#goes double if you have your brights on #some guy tried to tailgate me with brights on in the rain at night a while ago and I was like beloved we are going 20 until you stop that.#like at that point it's not even spite it's literally that I can't see to safely go any faster than that #lights off back off go around or accept the pace I've set for us #I don't like driving. also.

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iamanartichoke · 10 months

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I don't know who needs to hear this, but as a creator -

I am fine with "the audience" -

downloading my fics

printing my fics

copy/pasting or screenshotting my fics

sharing your saved copy of my fics with anyone else who might want them in the unlikely but never impossible case that my fics are no longer available on ao3

making a book of my fic(s) and running your fingers across the pages while lovingly whispering my precioussss

doing these things with anything I create for fandom, such as meta, headcanons, au nonsense like 'texts from the brodinsons,' etc

I am not fine with "the audience"

doing any of the above with the purpose/intent of plagiarizing my work or passing it off as their own in any capacity

feeding my work into ai for any reason whatsoever

Save the fandom things. Preserve the fandom things. Respect the fandom things.

Enjoy the fandom things.

#fanfic #ao3 #archive of our own #fandom things #tumblr things #i may have said this at some point #i'm sure i have #but whatever - just in case #i don't say this with the presumption that i'm so amazing and people are clamoring to save my fics #but just if anyone is so inclined that's all #ftr i don't intend on ever removing my fics from ao3 or deleting fandom things from this blog #i've always shared my fandom things with the intent of keeping them shared bc that's the whole point of posting #but the fandom atmosphere and ao3 constantly being under attack who knows what can happen #not that this applies to anyone but should all else fail you can also reach out to me and i will personally give you a copy #at least of fics bc i save everything #not so much the tumblr things but this is a good reminder to myself that i should do that for the things i care about #that i've made or done and only posted here #anyway sorry i have now used up my quota of the putting words into sentences doing for today #i have plans to stare into the void now

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trashy-greyjoy · 3 months

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sometimes, it's not so much about the romance as it is about the devotion. the adoration.

#pacific rim #black sails #the x-files #the bear #game of thrones #raleigh x mako #jack x anne #msr #sydcarmy #theonsa #i could go on forever i think #for me personally it is also about the romance and i do think they should all kiss and be in love but thats not THE POINT-#*adam scott meme* its about the vulnerability and unconditional care one has with someone else #how many different ways can i make this same post lets count

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bucketsofgiggles · 1 year

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i am absolutely l o s i n g it at Tommy "Desert Storm Vet and Texan in 2003 When the World Ended" Miller realizing he's now a communist, like look at this:

this man's whole worldview got Rocked

#the last of us #tlou #the last of us hbo #the last of us hbo spoilers #this ep has been quite funny so far #wonder if that'll end at some point #edit: yeah the funny times be over #edit 2: christ almighty i've never had a post this popular and it Actually Does Suck A Little #but also glad y'all found this just as funny as me

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inkskinned · 7 months

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the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school.#like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it.#was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes.#but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create''#when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent.#speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice.#''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession.#''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt?#u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky''#we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

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