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doc-pickles · 4 years

Text

it’s nothing funny just to talk (p.2)

What happens when you text that random number graffitied on a bathroom stall in your favorite bar? Jo Wilson is about to find out. - In which Bar Princess and Doctor Evil Spawn meet via text.

Saturday 12:09 PM

you know what might be worse than pyramid schemes?

bridal showers

this is horrendous

Same woman you were drinking in solidarity to?

obviously, I have like four friends

I thought teachers were like outgoing and bubbly?

oh hell no, socializing is not my cup of tea

one of the other bridesmaids just asked who i was texting so I told her jack the ripper

Oh you couldn’t even give me a good one

i’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that

My day off and the weekend finally coincide, which means I’m not leaving my couch all day.

I wish I were you this shower is gonna kill me

teachers on the weekend are a fun sight to see

You’re not partaking this time?

no i’m DD

it’s for the best, I did throw up on my shoes last weekend

How crazy is a bridal shower that you need a DD?

there’s a mimosa bar and they’re already playing never have I ever

the mother of the groom is starting something with the mother of the bride

I gotta deal with this

Saturday 3:11 PM

I deserve bottle of wine for all of the shit I dealt with today

I never wanna be a maid of honor ever again

Maybe we should rename you Maid of Dishonor?

wooooooow

I throw up on my shoes ONE TIME

How’d the battle of the mothers go?

oh it was horrendous

groom is from a rich family and bride grew up on a farm… you know how it goes

Doesn’t sound fun. Glad you made it out.

barely

how’s your day off going

Amazing. I get to watch baseball and sit on the couch with a bag of chips and a beer. I’m living the dream.

I envy you

they’re making us go out again

Do you get to drink during this escapade?

yes thank god

manhattan or moscow mule?

A whiskey drinker? You might be the perfect woman.

don’t try to butter me up, i’ve never even met you in person

We can change that.

Saturday 6:14 PM

Do you think birds have dreams?

I thought I was supposed to get drunk

You were talking too long. And I’m not drunk.

I can’t think of another reason why you’d ask me about bird dreams

You’re a teacher. I was curios.

i’m not a bird specialist

personally I do not think that birds can dream

I’m telling them you said that.

the birds?

Yes. They deserve to know the truth.

have you just been sitting on the couch drinking beer all day?

did you even eat

Yeah I had pizza for lunch

what about dinner?

It’s not dinner time yet.

dude it’s 6

Oh shit really?

Hahaha that explains it

psh and you said I was bad when I was drunk

you’re freaking Snow White

Is this ebcause I asked about the birds

yes it is

I gotta go, Maggie says i’m not netting the quota for fun

Maggie sounds like a buzzkill

she’s the assistant principal, i’m scared she’ll fire me if I don’t listen

jk… kinda

Saturday 12:32 AM

Incoming Voice Call

“Jo! Put the phone down! You should not be calling anyone right now!”

“Hello?”

“Doctor Evil Spawn! I’m so glad you picked up.”

“Are you drunk now?”

“Noooo….. maybe. I just wanted to say hi.”

“Hi princess.”

“Your voice is nice. It’s a good voice, it’s sexy and I like it.”

“You’re kinda crazy, you know that?”

“Josephine Wilson! Give me the phone!”

“Woah who full named you? They sound angry.”

“That’s Maggie, she’s trying to get me to go home. I can’t go home Maggie, I’m talking to a hot doctor! And he has a sexy voice!”

“You’ve never even seen me, you don’t know if I’m hot.”

“I’m judging off your sexy voice and what few characteristics I know about you. I’d be shocked if you weren’t hot.”

“You have too much faith in me.”

“I have to go, Maggie is dragging me out of the bar. Byeeee hot doctor!”

“Goodnight princess, don’t throw up on your shoes this time.”

Sunday 9:58 AM

How’re your shoes looking?

Sunday 11:22 AM

You’re still dead? I mean you did call me half past midnight… but I thought you’d be up by now.

Sunday 1:46 PM

Are you embarrassed because of what you said on the phone? Frankly I found it endearing.

Sunday 3:18 PM

As a doctor, I’m advising you to drink more fluids and get food in your system. Maybe a banana. It’ll make you feel less shitty, trust me.

Sunday 6:17 PM

Hope you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.

Monday 7:23 AM

oh my god I am so sorry

I dropped my phone in Maggie’s car and I just got it back

wait you were worried about me weren’t you

Well you fell off the face of the earth… so yeah.

awwww well it’s nice to know that someone would notice if I was kidnapped and murdered

Didn’t you say I was the one that would kidnap and murder you?

yes but i’m having a change of heart

Is it because of my sexy voice?

I was kinda hoping I didn’t say that out loud

whoops

I told you I found it endearing.

flattery will get you everywhere

gotta go, class is lining up and they’re already screaming

I’ll pray for you.

Monday 8:08 PM

dude the thai place on 7th across from old navy?

amazing

i’m in heaven

Oh so we’ve reached the stage of giving each other food recommendations?

obviously

this is a serious relationship

Chinese place across from Joe’s Bar has the best egg rolls. Perfect drunchies.

i’ve never been to joe’s

I live right around the corner from there

So we’re neighbors then? I’m off of Fullerton.

I guess we are

that’s exciting, i bet i’ve seen you at the grocery store

Bold of you to assume I make it to the grocery store.

honestly same

I usually guilt steph or izzie into it

You’re the chaotic good of the group aren’t you?

obviously

I keep things balanced

what’re you doing?

On a break, almost done for the night. I have to round on post ops and then I’m done.

nice!!! did you get anything fun today?

Not really just surgeries I could do in my sleep.

typical monday’s

I have to go, we have a field trip tomorrow and i’m not emotionally prepared

Oof. Have fun, don’t die.

who the hell ends texts like that?

A doctor. Obviously. Night princess.

goodnight Snow White

Tuesday 12:18 PM

whoever decided to bring 42 fourth graders to the science discovery museum should be fired

Isn’t that you?

maybe

maybe not

It was totally you. How about a deal?

deal with an internet stranger?

fine but if I die i’m gonna be pissed

How about I drop off a bottle of wine on your porch on my way to work? I work the night shift again.

hmmmm I don’t think i’m supposed to give my address to strangers

but i’m pretty sure if you were going to kill me you would’ve done it by now

See you’re getting the hang of it.

okay i’ll give you my address

but if there’s a bomb we’re going to have words

If there’s a bomb you’ll be dead.

Tuesday 4:54 PM

red wine AND egg rolls?

if I didn’t know better i’d think you’re trying to woo me

I think I need to meet you before we can say that.

thank you!!!

my roomies are teasing me about taking wine from a stranger

You’re welcome. And I’m not a stranger. I know your name and where you live.

aaaaand way to make things creepy

BTW your blonde roommate was checking out my ass.

hahahahaha that’s izzie for you

she has a boyfriend don’t worry

I wasn’t too concerned about her, just thought you might want to beat her up or something.

intentionally trying to start a cat fight? classy

she says you’re “super dreamy” so that’s a plus

Glad to know I passed the checkpoint. Does this mean I get to meet you now?

maybe maybe not

we have learned one good thing though

And what’s that?

even if you are a serial killer, you have a good taste in wine and your attractive

i’ll die happy

Tuesday 7:32 AM

If I never work another overnight again it’ll be too soon.

yeah you’ve been working a lot of those

wtf is up with that

I lost a bet with Arizona.

oof that doesn’t sound fun

at least I have nice stable working hours

summers off

i’m living the dream

Why do you do that?

do what?

Send forty texts. There’s a button to put in a period and start a new sentence. In the same text.

you really do text like a 60 year old

I’m sophisticated, obviously.

I know we’ve never met but I need a favor

Oof. After I dropped off wine for you?

the favor includes free food and alcohol

I’m listening…

that wedding i’m in is next weekend

and I don’t have a date :-)

I wish I could, I’m going out of town.

booooo

it’s okay, after i’m done being a brides bitch my weekend will open up

i’ll also be done with school for year

So I can take you out on a proper date? Instead of texting you all day?

you do realize that you’re texting a girl who found your number at 11 pm while shit faced in a bar right

That’s always how I pictured meeting the woman of my dreams.

oh shut up

I suppose i’ll go on a date with you, man I know nothing about

I’m Alex, I’m 27 and I don’t think pineapple belongs on pizza

deal breaker sorry

pineapple + pizza = deliciousness

Well at least you know more about me.

that I do

jo, 25, who’s favorite color is purple and eats cinnamon toast for breakfast everyday, has to go educate the tiny humans

talk to you later old man

Oh come on you’re two years younger!

Tuesday 1:26 PM

have you ever had to hot glue rhinestones to candle votives

because I am

and I hate it

WTF is a votive?

those tiny little glass things you put a candle into

Oh. Why are you bedazzling them?

wedding prep

today is a half day so bridezilla has us crafting for her

Are all of you brides bitches teachers?

yes

it’s hell

you try to talk about your class and all you hear about is peonies and roses and baby’s breath

I’m glad I’m a dude then.

ha! you better be

oh my god, she’s gone psycho

if I don’t text she took my phone

Don’t die, I’m looking forward to our date.

Tuesday 7:17 PM

RIP Jo, Avid Cinnamon Toast Eater

Killed by Her Insane Bride Friend

I made it out!!!!

barely

Nice, I’ve heard a rabid bridezilla is hard to escape.

it was the worst

but she let me go when I told her I had to finish putting in grades for the year

(I finished last night)

I for one am proud of you. That’s badass.

lol i’ll keep that in mind

thursday is our last day before freedom

I think I might get shit faced as soon as I leave work

I support it wholeheartedly.

good because you’ll probably get more bar princess texts

Or if I’m lucky a phone call where you call me sexy again.

hey hey I didn’t call you sexy

I called your voice sexy

there’s a difference

Oh sorry, I don’t know how I overlooked that.

mhm sure

tomorrow is crazy hair day

Does this mean I get to see a picture of you? Because I’m definitely interested in seeing what you do with this spirit day thing.

i’ll save it for when we meet

I’m determined not to see you until our date

Suit yourself. Gotta go remove stitches.

oooohh how exhilarating!!

Wednesday 9:42 AM

How goes the crazy hair?

oh just dandy

half my hair is pink

You seem like the type to be able to pull of pink hair. Plus it’s pretty rad.

you’re too kind

I bribed the kids with cookies and a movie

i’m totally winning today

I just took out an appendix, I think I win.

just saying I don’t think that our jobs are comparable

but taking out an appendix sounds cool

Not as cool as cookies though.

I have a bunch left over

should I drop them on your doorstep?

Only if you want to. I wouldn’t say no to a good cookie. I’m here till 5.

i’ll stop by after work!!

we have another half day

Sweet. I’m glad you’re the one that found my number.

Wednesday 12:56 PM

Dude. George says you look like an adorable preschooler.

I FORGOT I HAD MY HAIR LIKE THIS

he was very understanding

Rave reviews on your “kindness and beautiful eyes”

oh my god

I have to die now

He might’ve mentioned your ass too. I’m painting a beautiful mental picture.

oh lord

brb gotta wash out this stupid hair dye

maybe bang my head against the shower wall

Oooh tell me more. I love a dirty shower fantasy.

oh booo

you’re not even trying anymore

Wednesday 5:55 PM

remember the titans is on tv

and it’s really good

in case you didn’t know

That movie is 20 years old, of course I know it’s good.

well clearly I didn’t

i didn’t have cable growing up

Oh neither did I, I just stole it from the neighbors.

that’s pretty bad ass for a kid

Had to keep my siblings entertained. You know how it is.

nope i’m an only child

That sounds like a dream. I have two younger siblings and they’re both a pain in the ass.

if you knew the half of it you’d be begging to trade places with me

I’m looking forward to hearing all of it.

Thursday 11:53 AM

FREEDOM!!!!!!

I AM FREE!!!!

HALLELUJAH!!!!!

I’m assuming school is out?

Y E S

$20 says I can sneak out of here without bridezilla roping me into a stupid arts and crafts project

I hope so, I’m enjoying talking to you today.

aren’t you at work??

Nope. Today is my day off.

and you’re not watching baseball and drinking beer?

It’s not even noon yet.

time is an illusion

it’s shots o clock somewhere or whatever they say

I’m now learning that the only cultural education you have is the Backstreet Boys. I think our second date will have to be a movie marathon.

already planning our second date?

ambitious

I like it

My conversation is fairly limited if I can’t drop a pop culture reference or two during the day.

I can see your points and i’m willing to sit myself down and watch the classics

okay gotta sneak past bridezilla… wish me luck

Good luck

Thursday 4:35 PM

Pork shoulder, corn, and potatoes all on the grill.

i’m jealous

I can’t cook to save my life

thank god we’re going out tonight

To celebrate finally breaking free for the summer?

exactly!! steph and izzie decided we needed to go to a club after dinner

i’ve never been to one before

Overpriced drinks and random guys grinding up on you all night. Not the best experience.

oh so random guys grind on you when you go out?

Shut up.

hahahaha

I’ve never even been to a club before. Not my scene. I just live with women so I know these things.

well i’ll update you on the happenings

let you know if I have to pay $20 for a drink

who’s grinding on my ass

you know normal everyday things

Woah woah woah.

what??

are you jealous??

I’m just saying if you’re gonna be shaking your ass, you might as well get random guys to buy you overpriced drinks.

you’re making some very good points

Of course I am. By the way, George wants me to tell you that you have a very shakeable ass so you should be taking in free drinks.

great I have to go die again

brb gonna drOWN MYSELF IN THE SHOWER

Thursday 10:38 PM

good news

i’ve secured three free drinks and a round of shots for all six of us

this ass is making money baby

I’ve created a monster. Who else is there?

steph, izzie, april, maggie, and levi

You brought the whole staff out didn’t you?

yes and I’m quite skilled at getting them drunk

You’re three drinks in and still texting correctly?

I think I danced it all off

need more fireball

And that’s another thing. Who willingly shoots Fireball?

me bitch

Ohh I love it when you call me names.

mmm i’m sure you do

okay i’m gonna go get more drinks

wish me luck

Good luck, I’m sure your ass will take in more than enough.

Thursday 11:57 PM

Incoming Voice Call

“Helloo?”

“Hi, it’s me.”

“I can afford caller ID, I knew it was you.”

“Were you sleeping?”

“No, I was about to head upstairs but I’m not tired.”

“Oh good. I just got home.”

“You sound tired. Did you have fun?”

“It was nice, Steph went home with some guy she met and Izzie went to her boyfriends so I’m home alone.”

“So you decided to call me?”

“I missed your voice, I told you that you have a nice voice.”

“You said that I have a sexy voice.”

“Oh shut up. I wanted to call before I went to sleep.”

“You’ve grown fond of me haven't you?”

“If you’re gonna say it like a weirdo then yes… I have grown fond of you, Snow White.”

“I guess I can say the same about you Bar Princess. Are you yawning over there?”

“Just a little bit, but I like talking to you.”

“It’s midnight, I wouldn’t blame you for falling asleep.”

“I don’t wanna fall asleep, I wanna keep talking to you.”

“How about I tell you the story of the time I was bridesman and I had to go to a bachelorette party?”

“Okay I’m listening…”

Friday 10:15 AM

I feel like a teenager

who the hell falls asleep on the phone

i’m in a bad rom com aren't I

Your snoring is really cute.

oh christ

well at least I didn’t take body shots off a male stripper

I was really hoping you’d be asleep before I got to that part.

oh nooo I remember that very clearly

i’ll be filing that away for blackmail

Rude. I guess I’ll save your snoring in that file too.

touché, I like the way you play the game

I’m an experienced player. Gotta go scrub in on a fundoplication.

have fun!!!

Friday 2:41 PM

I got bored and googled a fundoplication

that’s some crazy stuff, you’re kind of a badass

Easy peasy, all in a day's work.

nooo that’s amazing stuff!!

i’m in my classroom scraping gum and glitter off of the desks

Well you’re the reason people become doctors so I'd say you’re pretty important too.

awww you’re still trying to impress me

it’s a good look on you

I’m trying to be a gentleman. Maybe I’ll bring up your puke shoes just to be an asshole.

you know what even the mention of that can’t bring down my good mood

do you think I could get in trouble for drinking wine in my classroom?

Well there’s no kids around so… no. But I like the rebellious attitude you have towards the situation.

if i’m gonna sit in a classroom with no AC and scrape boogers off desks all day then I deserve some damn wine

You’re right and you should say it.

I DESERVE MY WINE I EARNED IT

oh shit maggie is outside i’m so fired

Hey you got her free shots last night, she should be thankful.

you know what you’re right

oh shit it’s bridezilla

Run.

whew

forgot we have our final dress fitting tomorrow

i’m not dead yet

Oh good. I kinda don’t want the first time I see you to be your funeral.

hahaha very funny

gotta go, we have to do this stupid year end meeting

I hate it here

Have fun, and remember don’t stab yourself with a pen!

Saturday 8:13 AM

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL MORNING

I wanna die

bridezilla is making us jog

and she took away my donuts

Saturday 9:53 AM

Jesus Christ. You need new friends.

honestly she’s not that bad when she’s not stressing over this wedding

she’s crying because she has a pimple

Oof that’s a tough run. Unfortunately, I have to spend the day out on a boat.

boohoo I don’t not feel bad for you

unless like… you have some childhood trauma from a boat

Nope. I get to relax and drink beer all day long.

yeah well then screw you

I have to try my stupid dress on and go to a stupid lunch and I CAN’T EVEN HAVE DONUTS

Aren’t you at home?

yes, steph invited everyone here since we have the space

why?

Check your porch.

YOU BROUGHT ME DONUTS?!

you’re my favorite

thank you thank you thank you

You’re welcome, I’m happy to be of service.

ohhhh I might just kiss you when we finally meet

I wouldn’t say no to that.

okay I gotta go hide in the closet and eat my donuts

thank you for thinking of me!!

It’s all I ever do.

Saturday 2:16 PM

How goes the dress trying on?

it was good!! mine fits and we have a beautiful bride on our hands

Good. I’m glad your day is getting better. I think I’m getting a sunburn.

you better not

that shit is dangerous

go find sunscreen

Now you’re concerned about me huh?

always

did you put the sunscreen on

Yes because I knew you’d spontaneously implode if I didn’t.

good

I didn’t want to you to burst into flames sitting in the sun

As a doctor, I can tell you that most likely would not be what happened.

now we have to sit through a boring ass lunch

it’s what the mother of the groom insists on

Is she paying for it though? …. yes

Well then stop complaining.

okay okay fine

hey quick question

which fork do i stab myself with

Go order a steak and drink an expensive glass of wine.

Saturday 10:39 PM

Incoming Voice Call

“Well well well, how the tables have turned.” “Bar Priiiiiincessss.” “Oh my god. This is so going in the blackmail file.”

“No don’t do that. If Jo finds out I was singing to another girl she’ll be mad.” “And why don’t you want Jo to be mad at you?” “Because I want to kiss her. And hug her. And see her face.”

“Well do I have a surprise for you.” “Oh I love surprises!”

“Jo and Bar Princess are the same person. I’m Jo.” “Holy crap! NO way!”

“Yes way, isn’t that crazy?”

“Can you tell Jo that she’s the nicest person I’ve ever met.” “I will relay the message. Jo is going to bed now though. Goodnight Alex.” “Good night Bar Princess, I miss you!”

#jolex #jolex fanfic #jolex fan fiction #jo karev #jo wilson #jo wilson karev #alex karev #alternate universe #jolex fic #jo x alex #greys anatomy #greys fanfic #INFJTT

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cottonblush · 5 years

Text

misconstrued meetings | kth

❧ word count: 1,921

❧ genre: fluff, fluff, fluff, humor

❧ notes: ugh the ending has me soft i can’t believe i actually wrote this what the heck?? but like it lowkey seems like a crack fic at the beginning and i swear it’s not??

this is the fifth frat party your friend has managed to drag you along to in the span of 2 weeks

and at every party you always see the same dude creepily staring at you

and he looks kinda familiar so you point him out to your friend but she has no idea

she does, however, say that maybe you guys met in another lifetime

and then your friend starts to rant about how cute that would be and she gets this glimmer in her eyes and you’re just like

miss me with that romance bs this is the real world sweetie

anyway you’ve gotten so distracted that you lose track of the creepy yet somewhat cute boy

but you just shrug your shoulders and go to find yourself a drink that isn’t spiked bc you’re the designated driver

eventually you find a nice lil can of sprite and pop it open

then you go back into the mass of people and try to mingle

but like everyone is just grinding and you’re like,,,, no thank you sir

so you’re about to go find somewhere quieter but then the dude from earlier runs up to you

he looks a little different from when you first saw him when you walked in

now he’s practically bouncing up and down and he looks like he’s on the biggest sugar high ever

and you’re about to be like,, dude r u ok

but he beats you to it and he just goes

“asdfwjkdhh have you seen my pet alligator sKREEEEEEE”

and then he runs away screeching????

and you’re like

“wtf this can’t be the guy”

but sure enough you roll up your sleeve and double check

and what he said matches your soulmate tattoo word for word

the first thing you think is,,, ohmygod my soulmate is?? a stalker? who does drugs perhaps???

you think he’s pretty weird tbh

but ofc it’s your soulmate so you run after him and he’s not in the most stable condition so it literally only takes you 4 seconds to catch up

and you grab his shoulder to turn him around

and he looks at you for a good 5 seconds before passing out on you

you’re just glad he didn’t throw up bc like you’re wearing a pretty expensive shirt and

we going: broke hours!!

anyway so you sit him down on a couch and ask around if anyone knows who this guy is

this one guy with rlly cute dimples says

“oh that’s taehyung dw he ate like 20 sugar cookies earlier he should be fine just leave him”

and you’re just like?? “how could i just leave him there? and how are you so nonchalant about this-”

the guy introduces himself as namjoon and says that taehyung lives on the same floor as him in the dorms

and then he asks why you’re so interested and you go

“i mean he could possibly??? be my soulmate,, but like no big deal or anything”

and namjoon is like “oh,,,,,,, oh shit wow rlly?”

and you’re like “yes rlly.. um so i’m just gonna go check on him”

after like 45 minutes taehyung finally wakes up and it happens to be right when you press a hand to his forehead to see if he has a fever or anything

and then you blink and say “are you ok dude? you kinda passed out on me”

he sits up straight and he’s like “yeah dw i’m fine- wait!! what’d you say!”

and you repeat yourself with like an unsure voice and then he just smiles

like he full on beams and you swear you’re looking at the sun even though it’s almost midnight and you’re in a crowded, dark room

and he goes “wow it’s really you:)))))))))))))))” and he starts lifting up his shirt

and you’re just really flustered at this point

“bro what are you doing we’re in public”

taehyung just waves you off and continues to lift up his shirt until it’s up to the middle of his chest

you have to try so hard not to focus on the fact that he has abs and he’s!! hot

but then your eyes land on this little tattoo he has along his ribcage

and it’s exactly what you said to him

and you smile too and show him your tattoo and say

“woah we’re soulmates that’s so cool!”

taehyung replies with “yeah so you wanna date?”

you kinda think it over in your head bc like taehyung is very very very attractive and he seems nice enough

but you eventually say “sorry um ii don’t really believe in the whole love/like at first sight thing but maybe we can be friends”

and it’s true,, your whole life you’ve thought the idea of soulmates is impractical like one day you meet this supposedly perfect person and you’re supposed to be instantly in love? that aint it

and lucky for you taehyung takes it just fine and is like “sure sure i totally get where you’re coming from,, how about we like go out for coffee some time but just as friends”

and you get taehyung’s number and make sure he’s feeling ok enough to stand up and stuff

and you say bye and go find your friend so you can zoom out of there

so you guys go out for coffee the next weekend at this cute café that taehyung recommends to you

it’s pleasantly surprising bc you’ve only been talking for 20 minutes but you feel like you’ve known taehyung since first grade or something

you learn that he loves to make jokes but he doesn’t like puns that much bc he says his roommate has a pun for literally everything and taehyung is: over it

he tells you he’s majoring in chemical engineering and you’re like !! me too

and he’s like,, yeah ik we have 3 classes together

and you’re like “what?? but? i never see you”

he explains that they’re all lecture classes and he sits behind you so you probably wouldn’t notice

and taehyung also wants to bring up the fact that he’s wanted to ask you out way before he knew you were soulmates but he knows you want to be friends first

and if you knew what he was thinking you would be aww-ing and probably soft™ like he’s balling his fists up bc he just wants to tell you he likes you that much

anyway so the totally not romantic get together goes really well and you say

“taehyung you should totally sit next to me in class next time”

and he’s like “ofc see you then”

you part ways and on the way back to your dorm you can’t stop feeling this tingly feeling all over and there’s a huge smile on your face but you’re telling yourself to stay strong bc

you can’t just cave in after seeing him one time

but then you start seeing him everywhere

like in classes and when you’re walking to club and at the cafeteria and at the library and ofc you guys hang out almost every weekend

and you kinda tell yourself,, ok i guess i kinda like this dude??

so anyway it’s been a good two months since you met and you and taehyung are pretty comfortable around each other

like you guys know each others orders at all of your favorite restaurants and you have clothes at each others dorms for when you have secret sleepovers and marathon marvel movies

and all of your friends and taehyung’s friends assume that you guys are a couple

one day you’re thinking and you’re like “i think i’m gonna ask tae out”

so you do and you do it during one of your sleepovers

you and taehyung are wearing matching flannel pajamas and you’re stuffing your faces with cookies and brownies

and you turn to taehyung and tap him on the shoulder

“go out w me”

“what”

“you heard me”

“no but like are you serious”

“yeah why wouldn’t i be???”

cue taehyung’s sunshine smile

he wraps you in a bear hug and releases this huge sigh and is like

“thank god i’ve literally had a crush on you since i saw you at the orientation fair”

and you pause and think for a second and you’re like

“taehyung that was 4 months ago… YOU’VE LIKED ME FOR FOUR MONTHS AND??? DIDN’T TELL ME SHHJSKHDJDHJSDHK DUMBASS OHMYGOD”

and at this point taehyung is super confused bc he rlly thought you’d be happy to hear it but instead you hit him on the head so he’s just like ??? por quay

and you have to force yourself to calm down and explain “the only reason i didn’t want to go out with you is bc i thought you only liked me bc we’re soulmates,, if i knew you had a crush on me!! i’d have said yes”

taehyung scratches his head and says “i thought i made it pretty obvious why do you think i always stared,,, and remember when i came up to you and tried to talk to you even though i knew i was on a sugar high and it was 500% likely i would say something dumb”

you’re just trying to process this bc ,,, taehyung thinks ‘have u seen my alligator’ = 'i like u’

and your eyebrows are scrunched together and you’re just trying to form a sentence to express how dumb you think he is

so you don’t notice him inching closer and closer

until he plants a lil peck on your lips and you blink once… twice… thrice

that!! just happened

taehyung just kissed you:))))

but he looks totally calm while you’re basically a tomato

and he does this half smirk half smile and is like “does this mean i can brag to people that you’re my gf/bf”

you hit taehyung on the head again

aNYWHO!!

so you and taehyung as a couple!

you two decide to join the bird watching club and like half the time it’s just you actually trying to find cool looking birds and taehyung stealing kisses and hiding your binoculars

and the other half of the time is when you actually want to be cuddly and sweet n stuff but taehyung is a tease so he ignores you and is like “woah is that an owl!! haha look y/n it’s an owl”

your movie marathons only get more frequent and sometimes you invite namjoon and even taehyung’s roommate seokjin (much to taehyung’s dismay)

coffee dates!! whenever one of you has a stressful test or project and needs to unwind

and also you two surprise each other with pastries from the café when you see each other in class

taehyung loves to share his hoodies with you

you think it’s rlly cute that his mom still sews his name into the tags of all of his favorite clothes

so imagine your surprise when one day you go to slip on this bright red sweatshirt of his and you glimpse at the tag and you see taehyung and y/n

you’re so soft because taehyung feels proud enough of this relationship to tell his parents about you and now you can’t wait to meet his mom bc she seems like the sweetest person ever

overall you and taehyung are just super sweet and goofy and you just fit so well together that you’ve managed to convince yourself that this whole soulmate system must be real bc you honestly can’t see yourself without him

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cavern-of-bells · 7 years

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GET TO KNOW ME

Rules: Answer these 90 statements and tag 20 people. Tagged by: @dear-mrs-otome, @wonky-glass-ornament @thegreenfairy25, @lumpy-space-kitten, @slbp-owns-ayame

LAST:

1. Drink: A cocktail of my own creation. 2. Phone call: LOL I avoid the phone like the plague. 3. Text message: My mom 4. Song you listened to: Dalarna by Mando Diao 5. Time you cried: At the *one scene* in Bridge of Birds by Barry Hughart. I ugly cry every time I read that book. It’s so good.

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice?: Kind of? On-and-off FWBs. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it?: Nah. 8. Been cheated on?:Yeah, but emotional betrayal bothers me much more than physical stuff. Friends have “cheated” more often than lovers. 9. Lost someone special?: Yes. 10. Been depressed?: Clinical depression controlled by meds. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up?: A handful of times.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: (Why is this three questions? Lame.) 12. Jewel tones 13. Duochrome 14. Holographic

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends?: A few. 16. Fallen out of love?: Last year? Nah. 17. Laughed until you cried?: Often. 18. Found out someone was talking about you?: I hear everything. Always. But no, nobody has ever really badmouthed me. 20. Found out who your friends are?: Oh, the tales I have to tell… 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list?: a good few.

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life?: Most, though I don’t use Facebook anymore. 23. Do you have any pets?: Two parrots, two sugar gliders. 24. Do you want to change your name?: Nah. 25. What did you do for your last birthday?: Slept. The birthday prior to that I took a weekend trip to San Francisco with a few friends. 26. What time do you wake up?: Anytime from 5:30 to noon. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night?: Probably on my phone. 28. Name something you can’t wait for?: Sweet, sweet death. But really– I’m looking forward to a vacation I have not planned to take yet. 29. When was the last time you saw your mom?: Few hours ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life?: I wish I were more of an extrovert. It sucks being introverted and having to fake it all day (which I do a damn good job of) at work. I’m always too dead by the end of the day to devote any energy to an actual social life. 31. What are you listening to right now?: The fan. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Probably. I suck at names. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves?: Customers. 34. Most visited website?: Tumblr. 35. Mole/s?: I’m a frickin constellation. 36. Mark/s?: Birthmarks? Lots of scars from bird bites, particularly on my hands. 37. Childhood dream?: To work in the hat shop at Disneyland (wtf, child-me?) 38. Hair color?: Naturally dark brown. I’ve had it red, teal, and periwinkle. 39. Long or short hair?: Medium-long 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: Not really. Simultaneously everybody. 41. What do you like about yourself?: I’m above average in talent in most categories of the fine arts, except for singing. Though I never forget the lyrics to a song once I’ve heard it. I am also fairly smart and funny, and pride myself on the fact that nobody has ever openly disliked me. 42. Piercings?: Just ears. You don’t want to wear piercings around a bunch of curious can-opener-beaked parrots. Ouch. 43. Blood type?: AB+ 44. Nicknames?: "Hey, you!“ people randomly call me “Em” though I’ve never given it as an option of what to call me. 45. Relationship status?: Are you hitting on me? 46. Zodiac sign?: Taurus 47. Pronouns?: idgaf 48. Favorite TV Show?: 30 Rock, MST3K, Futurama, Steven Universe 50. Right or left handed?: Lefty 51. Surgery?: Nope. 52. Hair dyed in different color?: This has been asked already. This list needs an update. 53. Sport?: HA. HAHA. I suppose if dance and skiing cam be considered sports. 54. Vacation?: Iceland and Sweden are places I want to visit again soon! (If I ever get the time to) 55. Pair of trainers?: What a stupid question! All my sneakers are beaten to death from constant work and birds chewing on them.

MORE GENERAL:

56. Eating: Nothin’ 57. Drinking: Water 58. I’m about to: sleep 69. Want: a vacation. Don’t think I’ve had a day off in over a year (excluding sick days). 70. Get married?: Not important to me. 64. Career?: Retail Manager/ Parrotkeeper 65. Hugs or kisses?: Keeeesses! 66. Lips or eyes?: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller?: Tallest. I don’t think I’ve dated a guy under 6’. Tallest was probably 6'7”. 68. Older or younger?: Within six years of me either way. 69. Nice arms or nice stomach?: I prefer a nice gallbladder, myself. 70. Sensitive or loud?: In terms of what? Who made these questions?? 71. Hook up or relationship?: Typically prefer hookups. I tend to value friendships more as far as relationships go. 72. Troublemaker or hesitant?: Oh, very hesitant.

HAVE YOU EVER:

73. Kissed a stranger?: Aquaintances. 74. Drank hard liquor?: I own over 200 bottles of hard liquor. Though I rarely drink. 75. Lost glasses/contact lenses?: Nope. 76. Turned someone down?: Yes, but I always have a hard time rejecting people :/ 77. Had sex on the first date?: Yes 78. Broken someone’s heart?: Too many times. 79. Had your heart broken?:….Too many times. 80. Been arrested?: Never. 81. Cried when someone died?: Only when a pet has died :( 82. Fallen for a friend?: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

83: Yourself?: Oh yes. I am very aware of my strengths and weaknesses. 84. Miracles?: If coincidence can be considered a miracle. 85. Love at first sight?: Attraction based on compatible pheromones, yes. The rest, not so much. 86. Santa Claus?: The historical person, yes. 87. Kiss on the first date?: Sure.

OTHER:

88. Current best friend’s name?: Not particularly close to anybody at the moment. Life events happen and I no longer pursue people who don’t put in at least as much effort as I do to maintain a friendship. 89. Eye color?: green/gray 90. Favorite movie?: The Princess Bride, hands down. I've seen that movie over 100 times.

As for who to tag… Jeez. @duerme07, @tentori21, @yoolee, @jane-runs-fast, @incubeebirb, @han-pan @otome-microwave

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dwestfieldblog · 4 years

Text

AFFIRMING YOUR BIAS

A DEFAULT MODE NETWORK

Apparently 100 seconds to midnight....not enough time to run to shelters, boil an egg or have sex, unless you are a rabbit. '2020'...One of those gathering years when conspiracies appear very real and laughing at the credulous takes a back-seat on the bus to seeing the utter plausibility of paranoid imaginings. Logic looks coldly and clearly at irrational fear and starts to doubt its own sanity. Ah ha, ha haa...

Brexit parties hard in London as we dance towards the 'golden age' that Boris has promised (and it is not as if he has ever lied or exaggerated about important things very often before). British Pride at its best, posters already up in the tower blocks ordering the foreigners to speak English. The Leavers seem unclear on the point that having given the EU an enema and left ourselves at the mercy of unbalanced American business deals to be signed over a barrel, (arf) we are also signed up to the AIIB, the Ancient Illuminated...(ahem, excuse me) the Asian Infrastructure Investment Bank. Well, wouldn't you rather be ordered about by China and lose your sovereignty to the Communist Party? The ones who harvest organs from the living, run concentration camps and massacre their own students. All the UK 'nationalist fascists' (those either in denial or proud of it) don't seem to mind that much, as long as Europe is not telling us what to do. 'We're gonna take back control of our borders'. Yeah right. Nice British compromise over Huawei eh? Meanwhile...

Reading about the Social Credit System in China and wondering how long before other more democratic countries take this idea up. Remembering Zappa in Joe's Garage dystopian album in 79, warning teens not, to do anything which could affect their parent's credit rating...well, in freer countries, the SCS could mean lack of access to various jobs, not being able to borrow money, less access to internet, limited acceptance into education, longer prison terms...Communists have a nice punishment for those who disagree with their philosophy...have them sacked, arrested for being unemployed and placed in one of those special detention centres for a 're-education'. The same excrement as has been since 'God' punished Adam and Eve for getting too smart. Do as you are told or else. Be quiet and obedient, listen and follow those in control regardless of whether they seem to be doing good work - and respect your betters especially if they are not. Calm down Dave, peak later.

Speaking of which...Nice interview with a young British guy who used to belong to the Korean Friendship Association (just the North part) who was expelled last year for asking, during a visit to Cheese Boy's empire 'How come in a Socialist society, the leadership is passed from father to son'? This might seem like a very reasonable question but the bloke was booted out, accused of 'outrageous disrespect' And a 'Colonialist attitude'. Arf. I might well send a letter to the NK embassy in London and ask them if they could clarify this point.

Fnord.

My favourite WTF story for a while was the fascinating tale of an Ethical Vegan in London named Jordi (from Spain) who went to court to prove a claim against his former employers, The League Against Cruel Sports, after he said their pension fund had connections to companies involved with animal testing. They sacked him and he claimed discrimination due to his beliefs. His ideas on the absolute sanctity of animals include not travelling short distances on public transport...in case the bus squishes any birds or insects in its path. Or eating figs in case there are any larvae from wasps still in them. Banknotes which contain animal fat should not be handled. Guide dogs for the blind are offensive due to the exploitation of the animal in serving Humans. Wool, leather and silk are right out. Etc. He won the case. (Sanity is expected to appeal.) The judge ruled that the philosophy of ethical veganism merits the same respect as any religion. Well, why not eh? If folk can accept invisible sky wizards, talking snakes, a boat with all the animals of the world on it, burning bushes and virgins giving birth, why not make a philosophy out of yet another extreme? I will demand the right for pink fluffy unicorns to vote and a million march for mermaids. Oops...Well, flap, roll and flop...Great at fellatio..

At what point does an opinion become 'real'? When it is agreed upon by serious minds and turned into law? Or when focused thought is directed into possibility waves with Will and imagination. 'The magick of our science...' As of yet, there is no proof of a 'God' existing, but millions have died badly due to fervent belief in such and the opinions of clearly imbalanced humans through history. Thumb sucking, security blanket clutching folk, desperate to justify their unsane behaviour by blaming it on a higher power. God/The Devil made me do it. Sure He did...The Goddess says think for yourself, harm none and do what you Will.

Politically incorrect boys and girls, need some Kuddles, True love falls to fly and rises to crawl, when I think about you I cut myself...Meanwhile again...back to the foul cesspool/ endless comic material of prime ministers and presidents...

'In Reality they are not after me they're after you. I'm just in the way'. No Donald, 'They' are for the people, they are just against you. Usually American presidents follow orders from the industrialist power brokering king makers who financed their campaigns, rather than taking advice and obeying orders from a Russian in Moscow. But that seems about the shape of the last four years. Perhaps Donald is in love with Vladmir, he does seem to admire strong men a little too much. Virtually everything the orange lunatic does in his childish attempts to undo anything Obama did, serves as the longest suck job in history. Someone has access to THAT video in the hotel...'Russia, if you're listening...' Stick it on you tube and give us a good laugh for a change. Nice to see Nancy ripping up the reality tv State of the Union address...(No Republicans, I'm not a Democrat or a Libertarian.)

'YOU CANNOT BE ACQUITTED IF YOU DON'T HAVE A TRIAL AND YOU DON'T HAVE A TRIAL IF YOU DON'T HAVE WITNESSES AND DOCUMENTATION'. Well said Mrs Pelosi.

Does this statement actually seem unreasonable to anyone other than The Duck's hardcore fanatics? The king is naked and a bare faced LIAR, rambling endless deflection and projection. Whenever he accuses someone else of something negative, he reveals the real subject is himself. Whenever he praises himself, his heart means the opposite. 'I am a very stable genius'. Said the deeply unbalanced moron. 'He's crazy, shifty, a liar, weak...' etc etc etc. Reptile, you know what you are. Feel it. But free now for revenge and re-election due to 'the silent, the pliable and the complicit.'

Donald has been spending a lot of time preying on praying Evangelicals and anti abortionists (a 'March for Life'). Smart political move. When such millions of folk are so easy to fool with bullturd, he knows he has a ready made multitude of gullible voters. All he needs to do is to 'align' with them and they are bent over, spread and puckered. (Reminds me of the Christians buying Constantine's shtick.) Do you suckers really believe anyone who says they agree with you? Don't you expect some genuine display of compassion and peaceful behaviour rather than endless aggression, selfishness, petulance and greed? (I mean, if you are actually Christians who feel compassion and forgiveness and that none are beyond Redemption.) Rather than just hoisting placards which read 'Not Your Body, Not Your Choice'. From this I infer that the actual females behind and under these, follow the opinion that God (who gave us free will, if you follow this stuff) has amendments which state Free will is sacred. Except in the cases of abortion and....fill in the blanks with deeply held opinions.

This teenager was raped by her aids carrying junkie uncle...and must have the baby? That sounds nice and Christian (or any other major religion). From my very first blog sixteen years ago I have been endlessly ranting the same dammed thing...it seems a genuine shame that those who would call themselves religious cannot be a little more HOLY and decent. Rather than foaming at the mouth like wild eyed, hate filled fundamentalist swine. (He writes, teeth grinding and himself stabbing the keyboard in impotent rage). Pretending to be 'religious' is a nice pastime for the guilty.

Another placard showed a picture of Trump with the words. 'Most Pro Life President Ever'. Do none of these young women at the rallies see any irony in supporting a man who boasts of grabbing pussies and that he 'would hit on' his daughter if she wasn't his? Does he really seem to be FOR life and the dignity of females to you? Women are supposed to have a little more instinctual intelligence than men. (Or is that imposing gender roles? Arf.) Shame on you for being so easy to manipulate. 'Easy to fool people when they are fooling themselves'.

'A part of religion is about direct experience of the divine and the rest is just crowd control'. John Cleese (JC)

And I Love the way the fascists/populists financed by the Kremlin on all sides bang on about the 'Liberal Elite'. I have never seen or heard of such people. The Liberals in Democracies have always seemed to be fairly well meaning, goodhearted but overwhelmingly weak apologetic folk. Not very much like a power elite running the world behind the scenes in the 'Deep State'. Farage in the UK after the recent election, having lost most of his seats by not running against the Tories (hoping for a chair at the Big Table) crowed about having 'destroyed' the Liberals in England. I could have done that with a cynical stand up routine and and a flick of my little finger. On my left hand. Not exactly Thanos Nigel...(But then, I am not Bill Hicks eh?)

And so...Atlas Shrugged, Heraclitus burped, Putin raised an eyebrow and his entire government resigned. (Boris promised a 'New Dawn' for Great Britain. Well, he would, wouldn't he?) I truly enjoyed the annual press conference with Putin, where Bald head was asked what he thought of Johnson's previous comments that he resembled Dobby the House Elf from Harry Potter by replying; 'People say one thing when they are trying to get into power and something else when they are in power'. Just for a couple of seconds I had a sense of respect for this clarity of honesty.

Meanwhile Johnson (whose party received a good old amount of Roubles last year) and (bald head No.2) Cummings have begun their master campaign...Things don't look good for the BBC for reporting the news and asking uncomfortable questions. The Constitution of Britain and the balancing powers of Parliament are under threat too, as are various Human Rights Laws. Good old Tories, still the Nasty Party. 'Imagine what this country could be in ten year's time'. Boris, I am.

And bloody Momentum still don't want to let go of their type of 'leadership' yet...even after their Useful Idiot/Strawman puppet Jeremy lost the North. Damn right, English people tend not to vote for those who sympathise with actual terrorists. Unless.... Oops...Insert smiley face here. And a Bosh of a skeleton breastfeeding a priest, just lie back and think of England...this won't hurt a bit. It will hurt a lot.

Step by step as Boris and Trump surgically carve away various rights and laws which impede them from furthering their power and break up unions of friendship among the West as Russia and China watch with the dead eyed smiles of sharks. Hmm..

'Constitutions are utterly worthless to restrain the tyranny of governments, unless it be understood that the people will compel the government to remain within constitutional limits. Practically speaking, no government knows any limits to its power except the endurance of the people.' Spooner

Most, but not all of you people are being used by those who understand your psychology. You do not. You are only a means to end, to achieve and maintain power for them. Serving those who see you only as units of measurable force for them to direct. And you seem to love it. Vicariously enervated in righteousness and dumb enough to admire your intelligence in following those you believe will empower and free you. They don't, they won't. Never have and never will, as the song said. Sleepwalking, marching in a deep state of hypnosis into a slaughterhouse.

Some of us are trying to improve on communication, connection, empathy, random acts of kindness, respect for ones self, sisters, brothers, planet. Experimenting with techniques of mind expansion, using the mirrors of science and art, maintaining a good sense of humour, watching our belief systems for signs of cruelty and stupidity, and admitting when we behave like idiots, humble but not humiliated.

For all the religious fundamentalists, politically correct and political extremists against any attempt at evolving, due to fear or greed, I strongly, almost violently suggest this: CRAWL ON YOUR BELLIES BACK INTO THE OCEANS AND LET THE REST OF US MAKE THIS PLANET SOMEWHERE GOOD TO LIVE AGAIN.

Not important how long I live, more a case of how much I enjoy being alive and whether I can help others while I am here. Hope to see you in the springtime.

RIP forever in intelligence and fine humour Neil Peart and Terry (He's not the messiah, he's a very naughty boy) Jones.

'What's hit is history

What's missed is mystery

And the miraculous image

Of sound washed ashore'

J. Balance/Coil

Despite outward appearances, it is not unrealistic to be optimistic...

LOVE.

0 notes

nofomoartworld · 7 years

Text

Hyperallergic: She Makes the Dirty Work Look Like a Degas

Sharon Mesmer is a poet, prose writer, essayist and professor of creative writing living in Brooklyn. She was born and grew up in Back of the Yards, a Chicago neighborhood named for its proximity to the Union Stockyards. After moving to New York she received her MFA in Creative Writing/Poetry from Brooklyn College, where she studied with Allen Ginsberg.

From 2003 to 2010 she was a member of the Flarf poetry collective, whose practitioners used Google to mine the internet for content, collaborating daily via an email listserv. Mesmer co-edited the anthology, Flarf: An Anthology of Flarf, forthcoming this Spring from Edge Books.

Mesmer’s poetry collections include Greetings From My Girlie Leisure Place (Bloof, 2015), Annoying Diabetic Bitch (Combo, 2008), and The Virgin Formica (Hanging Loose, 2008). Four of her poems appear in Postmodern American Poetry: A Norton Anthology (second edition, 2013).

Sharon Mesmer (photo by Esther Levine)

Fiction collections are Ma Vie à Yonago (Hachette Littératures, Paris, in French translation, 2005), In Ordinary Time (Hanging Loose Press, 2005) and The Empty Quarter (Hanging Loose Press, 2000). Her essays have appeared in The New York Times, The Paris Review, American Poetry Review, Purple, and The Brooklyn Rail. She teaches at NYU and the New School.

This interview was conducted in person and by email.

* * *

Geoffrey Cruickshank-Hagenbuckle: You’re a witch.

Sharon Mesmer: Thank you. Yes, I was in a coven for two years in the ‘90s. Well, everybody was in a coven in the ‘90s. We never hexed, but we divined. The meat locker doors to our hearts were open, and the chains of the law were broken. I believe that all that witchy work was the main practice that opened my nadis [network of yogic energy channels] to Flarf. That, and the czarnina [duck blood soup] my Polish grandmother used to ladle out when I was a kid.

For me, Flarf was a daily practice like any other. Constantly responding to the constant inflow of the political/cultural/social absurd. A filtering and a distilling. Of course, nothing is as absurd as what we’re seeing now, but we rose to the challenge as we saw it then.

That kind of work was also a way into personalities not my own: I was able to compose in other modes, speak with other mouths, often mouths attached to personalities I didn’t like or agree with.

There was, too, the collaborative aspect: filtering and distilling the words of the other poets (at one point there were 30 + on the flarflist) into my own poems, and then seeing my words in their poems. We were a meta-mind. I miss that intensity, especially these days when there’s so much more to conjure with. But I’m a deep believer in the via negativa:

To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not, You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy. In order to arrive at what you do not know You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.

T.S. Eliot nicked that from St. John of the Cross. But good modernist poets steal from transcendent medieval saint-poets. (SJC sounds like self-help from the past, especially as Rough Orange Beast, his hour come at last, slouches toward daughter-wife to be born.)

In our end is our beginning? Hopefully. Eliot stole that line from Mary Queen of Scots, you know. She had it embroidered on the inside of the dress she wore to her execution. That’s being optimistic: she was in prison for 19 years. He’s more pessimistic: “In my beginning is my end.” I’m trying to find the middle way.

G C-H: Your blood relations include Franz Friedrich Anton Mesmer, magus of animal magnetism, and Otto Messmer, the creator of Felix the Cat. Mesmerism later became known as hypnotism. Felix was the first image ever broadcast on TV! Do you bend spoons? Cozy up with these cuckoo birds in your family tree?

SM: Felix on TV / cats on youtube is a trajectory to conjure with. Do what thou wilt, kitten, is the extent of the law. The chains of the canine have been broken.

In a great review of Lisa Randall’s Dark Matter and the Dinosaurs: The Astounding Interconnectedness of the Universe that appeared in the New York Review of Books in 2016, Lawrence Krauss noted that every cubic centimeter of space teems with photons left over from the Big Bang, particles that last interacted with matter when the universe was 300,000 years old. And every second, 600 billion neutrinos — which emanate from explosions inside the sun — penetrate our bodies and Earth’s. He says, “Without this invisible background of cosmic material we would not exist.” So, how old are we, really? How permeable? How can we possibly speak with only one voice?

Great-Great-Great-Great Uncle Franz’s “magnetic fluid” was, I believe, something akin to chi/qi or kundalini — as mentioned above. He knew that nadis make a universe of us and vice-versa. How did this 18th -century Swabian know that? He probably stole the idea from some traveling mystic/guru/swami/qi gong master that he ran into in Vienna in 1768, possibly inviting him (or her) to the performance he’d arranged in his garden of Mozart’s one-act singspiel about a duped shepherdess. Like Eliot he pilfered, though not from Mary Stuart’s dress.

By the way, the kundalini serpent is female. So we all have a girl snake coiled up somewhere in our coccyxes.

G C-H: You complect a contemporary lyric with magic, rigor, and grace that snaps my head around. (Caught kissing on top of a grave, 16th-century Spain’s Luis de Gongora compelled the fourteen-line severity of the baroque sonnet to encompass both diamonds and doom.)

We all know Russia’s Futurist Zaum, that trans-rational language, Khlebnikov’s nonsense called “Beyondsense.” But beyond good and evil, where good enough just ain’t good enough, Sharon, you push on to Beyoncésense…

SM: Beyoncésense informs us that Gongora’s culteranismo (culto, cultivated + luteranismo, Lutheranism) was a word created by haters to ridicule it for not being “real” poetry. Plus ça change. And thank you for using “lyric” in describing my work. It’s been suggested that there is no poetry — and no mind, either — at work in my work. There are a few minds, actually.

The closer Orange Beast slouches, the more I turn to VelKhleb, Tsvetaeva, Akhmatova, Danlil Kharms. Especially Kharms. Northwestern University just published, last month, Alexander Cigale’s wonderful Russian Absurd (a translation of Kharms’s selected poems). The title itself describes the situation at hand.

G C-H: The untamable painter Walter Robinson gave me your book, Greetings from My Girlie Leisure Place last Christmas Eve. Since then, I’ve read nothing else! Potty mouth. Shit chat. I caught your act at Le Poisson Rouge. You delivered like a bacchante, bare-back on a beer truck, with the devil of love at its wheel. Would it stun you next to learn that my companion, the photographer Seton Smith, finds your oeuvre “intimate”?

SM: Not at all. I expose myself for love of the people.

As for Le Poisson Rouge, it really was a hell of an evening. My gynecologist was there.

And for GFMGLP, thank you. Take another look at the cover image and you’ll see that, thanks to my editor Shanna Compton’s genius for design, one of its rosy polka dots falls squarely upon a kitten’s mouth.

The I Ching says, “Everything serves to further”; I say everything serves to further the desire of a rosy polka dot to fall squarely upon a kitten’s mouth, creating the look of a party girl with lipstick smeared after her long night of raving/snogging.

The kitten is confident, and stares at the skittish puppy (who cannot meet her gaze), much like Kristen Visbal’s newly situated “Fearless Girl” sculpture stares down Di Modica’s Wall Street bull, but way more successfully. I totally agree with what Jillian Steinhauer wrote about fake corporate feminism facing off against entrenched corporate aggression, and everyone going gooey for it.

I swear to god, if I were Jesus, I would have killed that unicorn every time he directed An episode of the A-Team.

(Greetings from My Girlie Leisure Place)

G C-H: Uh-huh. GFMGLP’s a relentlessly demented plaster bath laid on with a trowel. Word choice like “moiety” and “propinquity.” Your Annoying Diabetic Bitch sells for $1,872.21 on Amazon. Plus shipping. You pound reality into submission…

SM: I swear to god, if I were Jesus, I would kill Amazon every time it tries to sell a copy of ADB for that price. I may just write to the seller and say that, while I’m flattered, I would like to know WTF. On the other hand, maybe it’s better not to know. Via negativa and all.

I love it that you see my meek efforts to poem as beating reality into submission, which is indeed my goal — a personal revenge on reality for robbing me of a golden childhood which could’ve continued indefinitely had it not been for my anterior pituitary gland secreting somatotropin and lutropin, then releasing them into my bloodstream. But I heard that happens to everybody.

To go back to something I said earlier, when I joined the Flarf collective, just after the commencement of Gulf War 2.0 in ‘03, I had no idea that the absurdity of Flarf — a fitting reaction to the relentless dementedness we were witnessing — would be divested of prescience by the total fucking dementedness that we’re witnessing now. It’s tough to try to go back to Flarf to respond, because our current condition has rendered Flarf quaint, though some may say it was quaint before. My hope is that, with the forthcoming release of the long-awaited Flarf: An Anthology of Flarf (Edge Books), readers will at least laugh and feel reprieved.

G C-H: Social Realism, conscience and content, the literal not the literary, seem to be “in” with a vengeance. I once dated a transexual so lovely she was undetectable. Together we met Peter Tork. A consummate shoplifter, she painted her apartment black by splashing paint out of open gallon cans. Carried a sword cane, never went out before midnight. Drew painfully accurate renderings of hand guns in mechanical pencil, decorating her lair with snapshots of executed female anarchists and horror movie posters to which she had added her own name.

I met her in the graveyard at St. Marks Church during one of her stints outside psychiatric institutions. I later asked if surgery had helped. Insouciant, she replied, “Well, if I only have $5.00, I can buy a book or a sandwich. Either way, I lose.”

SM: Most loveliness is undetectable. Maureen Thorson wrote a detectably lovely chapbook called the Woman, the Mirror, the Eye (2015), after she was diagnosed with AZOOR, acute zonal occult outer retinopathy. AZOOR’s most salient characteristic is that it can’t be seen/detected; the sufferer’s retina appears normal. The condition can only be inferred. Her chapbook is a beautiful mediation on seeing:

The blind poet is a romantic notion — we ascribe a clairvoyance, literally a kind of ‘clear seeing’ — to Homer and Milton. But the only insight I’ve received from my eye problems is into how unclearly we see everything, even ourselves, and how fitful are our illusions of control […] All hail the vanishing point.

Things are always disappearing — objects, but also ideas and ways of being. Remember when a phone stayed in one place? Unless you were breaking up with someone, or waiting for news of a birth or death, your connection (pun intended) was tenuous. That changed after June 29, 2007 — the rollout of the first iPhone. Everyone’s attention span, which was pretty attenuated to begin with, disappeared. Or became fragmented.

I noticed this with my own work: I used to collect ideas for two or three months, and then write. Now, I wonder what happened to the things I was thinking about two weeks ago. There are small stacks of books next to my bed and my reading chair, and when I look at the books on the bottoms of those piles, it’s like a trip down memory lane: Oh, that’s what I was thinking about. So, nostalgia is different, too.

Social realism: I grew up in a neighborhood on the South Side of Chicago called Back of the Yards, named for its proximity to the Union Stockyards. Our house was four blocks away from the stockyards’ 47th Street entrance. Yes, the same stockyards of The Jungle. The hideousness that Upton Sinclair described in that book prompted food inspection reforms. For instance, did you know that our FDA of today allows “only” 136 insect fragments and 4 rodent hairs in a jar of peanut butter? Ever wonder what those dark specks in your cornmeal are? That’s not rat hair. Worried there’s not enough protein in beer? No worries. Imagine what people were eating before.

Anyone for cold cuts? Hopefully your friend’s $5 went toward a book.

Kate Beckinsale has her fat ass days, and thatʼs why I called my compassionate conservative girlfriend a lard ass and tied her to the treadmill. Sheʼs still there. Go ahead – bang her.

(Annoying Diabetic Bitch)

G C-H: Wherever do you get your inspiration? PTSD? Accelerants? Goat’s meat chili with peyote buttons? You say you can’t sleep because your thinking cap’s always on. Anagrams = Ars Magna. Does this guck gush straight from your Orphic maw? Do you edit? Sample? Steal? The poet Brandon Brown maintains he only truly enters the Rapture when revising.

SM: I sample, steal and edit A LOT. Allen Ginsberg was my teacher and friend, but we always mock-fought over “First thought, best thought.” I disagreed. He was a deft present-moment Buddhist improviser and I’m an afflicted backward-looking Catholic (despite having taken refuge vows in 2010). So, yes, there is a rapture to enter via revising. But Brandon, whose work I really like, will no doubt agree with me when I say that remaining at ease with one’s preoccupations requires a constant friendship with the Odradek-of-one’s-own-being. Revising is good, but I like being permeable at the beginning. Inspiration is everywhere. Admittedly, it’s a gamble with sanity, especially if you ride the subway every day. The negotiation requires discernment. I’m still learning that.

G C-H: C’mon, shoot the geek. Paintball gun a picture of the ob-literate poetry scene.

SM: Pretty much my entire focus right now, at least with regard to poetry — specifically reading it — is work from outside the US, particularly in translation. I’ve reviewed books in translation for The Paris Review, American Poetry Review, The Brooklyn Rail. The work I’ve found is spectacular: epiphanic, revelatory. Eunice Odio, Mircea Eliade, Phillip Meersman, Anise Koltz. (Meersman writes in four languages, including Morse Code.)

My current project, a collection of poems called Even Living Makes Me Die, responds to these works that I’ve been reading. The idea came about when I discovered the work of the late Costa Rican-born poet Eunice Odio. I wrote an article on Odio and her book, The Fire’s Journey, for American Poetry Review.

As I did research for that piece, I became frustrated by the dearth of available information. I emailed one of her translators, Keith Ekiss, and asked: “These little bits of her life create a very ‘glamorous and doomed’ image of her — the woman visionary, dying alone — but is that true?”

I was hoping not, because that myth of the doomed woman poet is just so absolutely played out. He replied that not a lot is known about Odio’s life. Despite an exhaustive search, I came up with only two anthologies containing a few poems, and a bio-bibliographical source book on Spanish-American women. Those three publications introduced me to a group of 19th- and early 20th-century women writers, from throughout the Americas, whose work I’d never read before. They were modern, visionary, sexually frank. As I read their work I began to write “to” them. I researched each as fully as possible. The more I wrote, and read, the more I began to wonder about other “under-known” female poets of the Americas, and this became my goal for Even Living … to learn about their lives and write “to” them.

The title of the collection itself comes from a line by the fabulous 19th-century poet Delmira Agustini: “Already living and dreaming makes me die.” Sometimes their life information was easy to attain, as in the case of the Canadian poet Elizabeth Smart, who died in 1986. Smart published only one book, By Grand Central Station I Sat Down and Wept, in 1945. It went out of print soon after it was first published, was then brought back into publication in 1966 and 1992. The book, which she called a “prose poem novel” (and which is quite ahead of its time as a hybrid text), chronicles her affair with a British poet named George Barker.

Almost nothing was known of Smart in this country until her son, Christopher, published a biography, The Arms of the Infinite: Elizabeth Smart and George Barker, released in the US in 2010 (I reviewed it for Rain Taxi). I need to do more research on, for example, Martha Wadsworth Brewster (1710 – c. 1757, the first US-born woman to publish under her own name); Ellen Sturgis Hooper (1812 –1848, American Transcendentalist published in The Dial ); Sarah Helen Power Whitman (1803 –1878, Transcendentalist and, very briefly, Edgar Allen Poe’s fiancée); and Jessie Redmon Fauset, Angelina Weld Grimké and Georgia Douglas Johnson, associated with the Harlem Renaissance.

G C-H: In the wins, I “heart” this Godot by Sophia le Fraga.

SM: I <3 it 2! Srsly. Not being sarcastic.

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