#and also my room looks like a depression pit rn | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hellyeahbakubby · 4 years

Text

“i’m not going anywhere” | bakugou k.

♔ - Katsuki provides comfort for a anxious/depressed reader.

pairing - ua!bakugou x reader

tags - mentions/hints at suicidal thoughts, anxious reader, light angst but eventually fluff, wholesome katsuki

a/n - I wrote this for a friend who is going through some stuff rn but I don’t usually/prefer not to write things relating to mental health issues simply because lots of these issues are personal because of my friends and family and that I am not an expert or professional

masterlist ▬

WARNING: the following content has light mentions of suicidal thoughts, if this is something that triggers you please do not read it. ALSO if you are feeling this way or anything ike this, reach out to those around you or go online and find helplines. Someone will listen and people do care. You are worthy and strong and you deserve to be happy <3

Once again I was shut in my room, angry, bitter thoughts piling up in my mind, becoming harder and harder to block out. The louder they became the more my head ached and the worse the sick, heavy feeling in my stomach became. It was so noisy in my head, so busy with vile, ugly thoughts, thoughts I wished I could banish into the pits of hell. They whispered and hissed, calling up the need to vomit, as if hurling up my intestines would get rid of them. The worst part of their existence being that I was the one who’d conjured them. They were my thoughts. No invading force had put them there. All it took was a tiny wish, an ache for everything to go away and the seedling was planted.

Well there is a way to make it all go away. No more worrying, no more suffering. It was a pesky, persistent thought that had no business floating around in my head. A way out that I refused to even consider as an option. It was a stupid ‘what if’ conjured up by cruel curiosity to imagine a reality where I chose the unthinkable. No more fear of failing and no more concoction of self-deprecation that mixed up my insides like a blender. No more hugs, no more adventures, no more listening to Kaminari’s terrible jokes and no more toothy smiles from Kiri. It was a stupid choice with a price I’d never pay and yet it continued to dance around as though it were even worthy of my time.

My thumb repeated the same motion as I flicked through the images on my screen, I barely even saw them, far too preoccupied with the stress threatening to crack me in two. Pressure building, my mind wandered from last week’s test to the daunting task of joining an agency in the future. The number of ways I could fail miserably closing in and outnumbering the hope and confidence I tried desperately to protect and maintain. I was so ordinary, pitied and helpless, the only opportunities available provided by luck soon to run out. No doubt my weakness would soon win the fight for my future, overcoming what few strengths I had. I was barely good at anything, coming up short time and time again when compared to my high achieving peers. It was almost as if I were destined to fail, everything building up the moment of climax where I would surely stumble and fall.

boom boom boy x you still up?

The message appeared on my screen and I relaxed a little. My head felt a little less like a rock melon and the violent storm in my stomach lessened. I breathed in slowly, steadying my trembling body.

you yeah what's up?

boom boom boy x cant sleep can I come over?

you sure

boom boom boy x cool, be right there

Everything seemed to mellow out, reduced to a faint echo with the promise of Katsuki. Although he'd never outright say it he was surprisingly well aware of when I was feeling less than satisfactory, his ability to provide reassurance unchallenged. Whether it was a soft squeeze of a hand in passing or the gift of my favourite snack left at my room's door, he was unwavering in his compassion, something I’d come to realise was, although rarely seen by the rest of the world, given whenever I needed it more than I could voice.

He’d sat with me as I shook and cried, kept his arms around me as my lungs grew erratic, whispered to me when my eyes blurred and my throat became dry. He’d become a rock of sorts, something I could latch onto to stop myself from falling into the rapids. He was a certainty and security, providing comfort and rationality, helping me step out of my despair into fresh air.

Having given up on the pleasantry of knocking a while ago, I was unsurprised when my door opened and Katsuki stepped into the room. I looked up at him and gave him a small smile. The dim light from my bedside lamp enhancing his strong angles and his pale hair, he gave a small nod in return.

I moved myself to face him more as he sat down on my bed beside me, his additional weight making the mattress dip. Unrolling the blanket he’d brought with him, he swung it around my shoulders, moving closer so he was wrapped in its embrace as well. Snuggling into the velvety texture of the fabric I let out a contented sigh. Wriggling around until he was comfortable, the blanket covering the two of us, Katsuki pulled out his phone opening a simple mobile game that revolved around some sort of pattern. Crossing my legs tighter, I let my knee rest atop his.

There was never any necessity to speak when he was around, a silent, unspoken understanding of the aid he provided with presence alone. Feeling the heaviness of him beside me and the way he’d breath in roughly through his nose eased my nerves and helped my focus drift somewhere more pleasant. Going back to my aimless scrolling I found it much easier to ignore the thoughts plaguing me moments ago.

After some time of simply occupying the same space, I felt his hand move to mine, curling around the fist and opening it so he could hold it with firm security, an act of tenderness. Gently tossing aside my phone, I lent sideways, falling against his shoulder, my cheek pressed firmly against him. His strong frame was comforting and it sent a notion of safety through me.

“Hey,” he said, gruff tone uncharacteristically soft. I shut my eyes, content to just hold his hand and sit there. His distinct smell surrounding me and his solid warmth heating me slowly, I relaxed into him.

“Thanks, Katsu,” I mumbled. He ran his thumb over the back on my hand in response.

“Whatever,” he grumbled, making me smile, “I ain’t going anywhere though, alright?”

“I know,” I assured him. Getting a grunt in response, I felt him shift a little beside me before he placed a kiss to the side of my head. He squeezed my hand as he did so and a whirlwind of butterflies flitted up through me, a pleasant change from the feeling that had been there before. He’d assured me time and time again that no matter that I thought or which anxieties had me in their grasp, he’d always be there to support me, his secure arms always ready to wrap around me and his hand outstretched whenever I needed it. And now as he sat with me, comforting and soothing, he did everything in his power to show me how valued I was.

“I love you so much,” he whispered.

#bakugou katsuki #bakugo #bakugou #bakugou x reader #katsuki bakugō #bnha #bnha fanfiction #mha #mha bakugou #katsuki bakugo imagine #katsuki x reader #bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugo x reader #bnha bakugou

329 notes · View notes

ofstarsandvibranium · 4 years

Text

Self-Sabotage

Fandom: Star Wars (Modern AU)

Pairing: Poe Dameron x Gender Neutral!Reader

Summary: After seeing Poe interact with an ex, you think that maybe you and he aren't meant to be.

Warning: mentions of insecurities, depression, anxiety

A/N: Zorii is in this but there aren’t any TROS spoilers pertaining her and Poe’s relationship. Also, I’m totally projecting on reader rn because I’m feeling mopey and sad and insecure.

What’re the coincidences? What are the coincidences that at this holiday work party, Poe would run into his ex, Zorii, the woman he told you he almost proposed to?

As you stand on the other side of the restaurant, nursing a glass of wine, you think that maybe you need something stronger.

Zorii is...beautiful. You think she’s a goddess as opposed to you. You thought you were decent looking, but Zorii? She could probably be Aphrodite herself.

When you see Poe smile wide and laugh at something the woman says, your heart falls to the pit of your stomach. They look good together...really good together. And not only that, she probably didn’t have as much baggage as you did. There’s been too many times where Poe has had to help you through an anxiety attack or taken care of you during your depressive episodes.

Poe deserves to be with someone who’s beautiful and doesn’t have so many issues...

You gulp down the rest of your wine and head outside. You pull out your phone and set up an uber to pick you up. Poe was your ride and you didn’t want him to leave the event early.

Your uber arrives within fifteen minutes. As soon as your driver heads back out into the streets is when you text Poe

You: not feeling well. left the party. don’t worry about me.

As soon as the message sent, you placed your phone on your lap. Within seconds it starts ringing. You sigh and tap on accept, “Hello?”

“Babe, what’s going on?” One of the reasons why you fell for Poe was because he was so caring and always wanted to help others. But at this moment, you really wished he didn’t care so much.

“I just wasn’t feeling well is all.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” you hear the concern in his voice and it just makes you feel even more conflicted, “We could’ve left-”

“I didn’t want to cut your night short. I know it’s been a while since you’ve all been together and relaxed.”

“Y/N-”

“Really, Poe, it’s fine. I-I’ll talk to you later, okay?” you stutter and your voice cracks a bit because you’re trying hard not to cry.

Poe sighs in defeat, “Alright, honey. You just tell me when you get home, okay?”

“Okay,” you breathe out and end the call. You let your tears fall freely then.

___________________

Poe doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand what happened.

Ever since you abruptly left his holiday work party, his texts and phone calls have been left unread and unanswered. Did something happen to you? Did he do something wrong?

It isn’t until he checks in with your roommate, Rose, that you’re present and unharmed. But you’re “sad and mopey”, as stated by Rose, and she doesn’t know why because you won’t tell her anything other than, “just in a funk”.

No matter how much he tries to get in touch with you, he’s left high and dry. So he finally takes it upon himself to head to your place, with Rose answering the door and letting him in.

It’s your day off and, according to Rose, you haven’t left your room unless to get food or use the bathroom.

With bated breath, Poe knocks on your door and calls out for you, “Y/N, honey, it’s me, you know, your boyfriend?” he presses his ear against the door and doesn’t hear any movement, but muffled dialogue from your tv, “Baby, can you tell me what’s wrong? Did I do something to hurt you because if I did, I’m sorry. I just-I’m worried about you, babe.”

He hears thudding on the other side of the door and he perks up a bit, hopeful that you’ll open the door to see him, but that’s not what happens. Instead the door remains closed and, despite the barrier, Poe hears very clear and distinct, “I want to break up.”

Poe’s chest suddenly feels heavy and he’s hoping he didn’t hear that right, “W-What?”

“I’m-I’m breaking up with you, Poe.”

He shakes his head in disbelief, “No,” he says sternly, “We’re not doing this. You’re not breaking up with me, especially if you can’t even look me in the eyes and say it.”

“Poe, please, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

He steps closer, lips practically hovering over the door so you can hear him loud and clear, “I just-I don’t know what I did to-to hurt you or-or what, but whatever it is, Y/N, gimme a chance to at least try to fix it.”

“You can’t fi this, Poe. You can’t fix me.” he hears you whimper and he just knows you’re crying. All he wants to do is break down this door and hold you in his arms, to comfort you.

“Baby, what’re you talking about?”

“I’m not enough and I’ll never be enough. You deserve someone who’s enough for you.”

“Y/N, you’re more than enough for me.” He’s trying to figure out where all this was coming from. He’s well aware that sometimes this happens with you, but usually not without a trigger. It had to have been at the work party because you two were fine before then. Then he remembers: Zorii.

“Is this about Zorii?” when he doesn’t hear a reply, he knows he’s got his answer, “Y/N, whatever you saw that night, Zorii and I are-honestly, we’re not even friends. Things ended poorly between us and sure, we seemed fine at the party, but that was after we apologized to each other.”

“You almost married her, Poe. And you two have history, you guys seem to fit well-”

“Trust me, Y/N, we don’t. Not anymore. You know who I fit well with? You.”

“But I’ve got so many issues-”

“And that’s okay. I’m happy to be there and deal with them with you.”

“...but you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t have to deal with them.”

Poe leans against the door sighing and running a hand through his black curls, “Can you please open the door?” After two beats of silence, your door unlocks with a click and slowly opens to reveal you tear-stained cheeks and snotty nose, “Oh, baby,” he says and pulls you into his arms.

As soon as his arms wrap around you, the dam breaks and you’re sobbing hard, “I’m sorry! I’m-I’m sorry I’m such a mess!”

Poe holds onto you tight as you continue to cry, “Ssshhh, honey. It’s okay. It’s okay. No matter what, I love you, okay? I love you so fucking much. I need you in my life, you hear me? You’re everything to me, Y/N. I love you.” those three words that have yet been said, repeated over and over again in whispers and in-between comforting words.

“There’s a reason why Zorii and I aren’t together anymore. We didn’t work out and weren’t truly happy. With you, I feel the happiest I’ve ever been. So enough of the self-sabotaging and thinking I deserve better. You’re all that I want, Y/N, for as long as you’ll have me.”

You and Poe continue to stay like that until you’ve calmed down. Poe knows that these thoughts won’t go away at an instant, but he’s willing to help and ease your worries whenever they appear. Because he’s so in love with you and will do anything to keep his everything.

#poe dameron x reader #poe dameron #poe dameron imagine #star wars #star wars au #modern au #angst

526 notes · View notes

ne-fe-li-bata · 3 years

Text

Aye yo CORPSE! ...

Dead ass;

You can't convince me that Corspe was/is/does ;

in no particular order..

• Deserve to be held ( I would smother him with my chest and hold him tighter than he has ever been held) & protected from this world

• Pyro! Mans loves🔥🔥🔥 - mostly his fav elemental (Leo is a fire sign); “WOOO... now that’s a fire!”

• Loves knives/weapons- has a collection (quite a nifty 1, ay thank-a-you) & even knows how to use butterfly knives/ tackle combat.

Has a collection of weapons (brass knuckle, daggers, swords, knives,etc.)

• Highly interested in combat/training. Most likely has training in some sort of combat. Loves any form of physical combat < UFC,MMA, Boxing, any type of martial arts>

• Absolute proper gentlemen / clearly has the utmost charm/cunning

I.e holds the door open & will slap yo ass on the way in, moves you away from street side when walking, pulls chairs, defends your honor, etc.

• Takes A . L . O . T to truly capture his attention- but once you have it ..%100

• With his person; protective/obsessives/ possessive/ sensual/ affectionate .

�� < mine is mine. me no share -like absolutely not at all>

“ You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down for ya“

• RP'er on DeviantArt/chats had his own OC. (also prob had his fav person to RP with)

• Watched mostly nothing by anime/cartoons (nick/CN) as a kid & also mostly watched certain shows/movies as a kid well into his teens

(could recite quotes/scenes as second nature)

• Not a major musical theatre type of kid. But musical movies/shows was 1 of his favs- but still highly interested/ in love with theatre/musicals/preforming arts none the less.

-EYES DON’T LIE

•’staring problem’ he’d just stare at you -deep in his head (both good & bad) you’d have to bring him back to you ..”babe- eh, come *snap*back to me. What’s on your mind my love?’

• Genuinely a really warm person- but only to certain people, but comes across cold & distance

• Grew up in the internet & knows the way around the 'business' & 'faceless' YouTubers/celebrities

• His teens/ late adolescents consisted & grew up on YouTube O.G videos/ video game commentary/content;

Cry.. <Cry was a huge part of my life & still hold a special place in my heart. Corspe just like I was most likely devastated with the shit that went down>

Jack

Nova

Sp00n

Jontron

Smosh

Nigahiga

Shane

Jenna

Hanna Hart

Phil/Dan

KevJumba

Ray William Johnson

Pewds

Machinima

EMT

ERB

Wassabi Prod.

VlogBros,

-etc

• Has an oral fixating (lovebites indefinitely <like dead ass ya’ll be chillan/ out & he’d attack you> & just needs something in his mouth always)

• Fidgety af, always need to be playing with something in his hands/playing with

• Is a goddamn absolute certified freak--but also super soft bean boi. (can't stress how this boi needs& deserves to be protected)

• Constant hand/arm touching/stroking for comfort.

• Daddy{papi} / Mommy(mamá) . Master . Sir kink - hard control kinks- but highly sub.

hard(er) kinks

• Lovebites = M I N E

obvs fishnets/ crossbody straps/ lingerie

lace

collars/ restraints

toys

•RP

degrading/praising

sub/dom switch

showing/proving your actually/completely & utterly his/ he’s completely & utterly yours..

& of course you know it's go time when 1 - if not both of you has kitty ears on.

over stim

*no touchy/ don’t let me go*

“look at what I’ve done to you”

“you kno only I can do this to you”

“look how greedy you are for me”

“look at the mess you’ve made because of me’

“cum on my face”/’cum for me”

“who do you belong to” / “you belong to me & only me”

100% all black clothing 🖤

*that once we get home / I swear I’ll deal with you right here, right now* look

primal play “when you run from me, it only makes me want you more” “you know imma find you kitten”

pet names (beast< i feel like you call this man “ (a) beast”-he about to lose his absolute fucking mind> , “oh Corpse/______, you absolute fuckin’ beast- my God” kitten, babyboy/girl, baby(e), bae, my love, lover boy, my darling, slut, needy little bitch, cum slut, lil’ whore, master/mistress, king/queen”

“only yours” “just ______” “ no-one but _____” “only____” “only you”

‘I’ll keep you so no one can find you or bother us’

“that’s my girl” / “that's my boy”

“would you like to/ I saw----”

“look at me” “don’t look away from me”

GROWLING / talking through clenched jaw

not breaking eye contact

• his name & ‘Corspe’ being cried out

“cry out my name for me baby. know who you belong to”

video/sexing/teasing

breeding kink

voyeurism

abrasions

aftercare af

impact play

24/7

edging

accidental stim; “holy fuck- I’m so turned on by you rn”

rope bondage

begging

worships

• But also soft kinks;

MEME SENDING

head on lap/chest

naps

playing with hair

matching outfits

voice messages

always touching (somehow)

no space between bodies

picture taking together/ just of you

body rubs, head rubs

massages

competition

play fighting

“this reminded me of you”

“I remember you said” “I know you...”

“you know I love you”

“I can tell by your eyes”

“ugh- I swear to shit imma marry you 1 day”

“nothing really made sense until you”

“do you wanna watch”/ “WAIT!? YOU HAVEN’T SEEN?!”

“damn- you really do love/like me, eh?”/ “you are SO fucking mine”

“that’s my girl”/ “that's my boy”

pet names/ “MY_______” “YOURS”

long stares

dates- stay at home dates are his fav, as your attention/focus is just on him

choker/necklace/ jewelry (that 1 of you bought- NOT LIKE HIGH PRICE TAG, but like seen it & was like ‘omg ____ would so wear...’)

cuddles with movies /anime watching time

just being in the same room/on call- even in silence

* emojis*- just some sort of communication

inside jokes/ puns/dark humor

seeing 1 another with kids

future kink (family, travel, etc)

playing video games

dancing/ singing with 1 another

Sitting on the ground, wrapped around his leg when he streams/edits

Nerf gun fights

Watching him record (tracks/editing/streaming)

• Loves- loves surprises <like dead ass would set up a surprise date/ do a scavenger hunt for you/ surprise you with your fav thing>

• Loyalty is everything & his best attribute (& pride)

• The music that he make is from the soul/heart. He pit everything has has/what he has left into his art

• No one has seen the real him - a side he truly hides

• He's both book & street smart

Taught himself through YouTube/Reedit/online

• Fav actors; Jim Carrey/Robbin Williams/Will Smith (?)

• Man’s straight up dangerous. we only know like a quarter of him & people fall at his feet. ( h e . i s . n o t . t o . b e. F U C K E D . w i t h)

• Hates silence

( constantly needs background noise) <also can't fight me on this babyboi cuddles pillows/blankets for night-night time>

• People don't understand the pain he is in every day, unless they have fibromyalgia/GERD/high functioning (sever social)anxiety/depression/ agoraphobia

(my mom suffers with fibro/depression <I myself have GERD/ sever social amenity/depression>& I wouldn't wish those illness on my worse enemy...)

• Over all pain has changed him

• Has dealt with self harm since a young age- most likely 9- 11 yrs old. (as someone else who’s suffered with SH for years- when you become so numb it 1 of the only ways to feel some sort of anything/makes you feel like you’re alive)

• Addiction (drugs/people/things)

• Wrote & read a lot of fanfiction

(most likely his main source of reading in pre/teenage years)

• Is a hopeless romantic but has his guard way up

• Obsessed with Japan / Studio Ghibli

• Doesn't think he deserves any of the recognition/ fame he's gotten--but definitely deserves it all as he's creative & inspirational as fuck. Also he’s worked so hard for it & had put himself through so much

Contrary is highly appreciative of those that are supporting

• Doesn't do it for the fame but for the fact he know how he's gotten people through hard time (just like those on the internet got him through)

• Was a scene boy that vibe’d of myspace/ listens to a lot of ‘scene’ pop-punk, emo/ scene band shit (band?)

• Also is/was a major tumblr boy

• Would be a phenomenal father

• His love language: physical touch & words of affirmation

• He would flinch at touch movement but would melt in your hands

• Face caresses would trigger anxiety/ tears.. but once he’s calmed/comfortable would burry his face in your touch. neck & chest

• Still caught up in daydreams

• A part of him is still never satisfied even if it’s exactly to the pin point detail of what he wanted

• Has at least 40/50(ish) songs he hasn't released

• Mommy & daddy issues (not saying his home life was really- really fucked - but non the less- it certainly wasn't the best).. Also wants to protect/provide for his family (especially his sister) & was prob closer to a grandparent/aunt/uncle)

• Definitely prefers to be by himself, as every time people come around, it's like;‘"this is why I'm okay (ish)with being alone"

• lost an important person to him due to O.D/ suicided..

• Also most likely to of heard his "friends" shit talking 'Corpse' or something correlated with him

• His pride is his biggest sin (next to lust)

• Has single-handedly defined a huge part of 2020 ( in the best way)

• Went through a fighting stage where he was ready to fuck anyone up on a drop of a dime (middle/'high school'/street fights- possibly even under ground)

but also a stage where he cut absolutely everyone off for a solid couple years

• Most likely obsessed with 1 of 3 creatures; lion, dragon, wolf ( 5ish- possibly bear/fox)

• Dinosaur obsessed

• Internet & video games raised him

• He raised himself

Quick to adapt to surroundings/situations.

• Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was his shit ( I CAN SO SEE YOUNG BABYBOI RUNNIN AROUND THE HOUSE IN A POWER RANGER SUIT) "IT'S MORPHIN' TIME MOTHER FUCKER"

fav ranger- green

• Has up until next year planned out & is working on the next 'version of corpse' ( PR, vids, music, etc)

• Also med/high key this man was most likely in a physcward (more than once) ..

• This man deserves more than he'll ever give himself recognition for & knows in the back of his mind--people will hate just to hate

• Rose is his fav flower 🌹

•⛈️🌧️. >🌞. Loves storms/ rain & prefers them over sunny days

• Loves the moon/stars/space (?) < observatorium dates = fuckin mint>

• Pixar/Disney lover

• Fav Pixar movie.. either Wall.E or Toy Story

• Pixar > Disney

• But fav Disney movie- Beauty & the Beast (?)

• Most likely had a Jackass obsession's (doing dumb hoodshit)

• Fall is his fav season (?)

• Horror/ thriller movies/shows over everything (obvs)

• Had an escape place in town where he’d hide from the world- that absolutely no one knew about.

• Was really into graffiti/ street art

• Arested as a youth - but charges dropped- or was still considered a mirror (either fighting/ possession/ trespassing/ vandalisms)

• Arrested on heavier charges (also same as above - but not tried as an minor)

• also-ALSO ... thou he feels like he owes people something. HE DOESN’T OWE ANYTHING TO A N Y O N E . His mental & well being is the most important.

• On a side & major note. You can't deny that this man single handily is a (in my opinion) the 2nd biggest “C” that define 2020.

• Was most likely really into skateboarding/BMX

• Late night drives/impulsive road trips & playlist/ sitting at lookouts, just in silence & touching 1 another.

• Clingy af-.. but could also be distance & cold af- especially on high pain days. stormy brain days. PTSD episodes.

• Slow dancing/ dancing around the apartments. with or without music.

• Rocking out with each other- screaming lyrics in each other face.

• “hey baby- how you feelin”

*grunting* *shuffles over & lays on chest*

• Huge comforts for 1 another;

Especially when going out, being wrapped around him for comfort & reassurance. Even being at home alone together- panic attacks are shit, PTSD episodes are even more shit. helping each other with bathing & caring

When he’d be hiding from his reflection- or stares just a little too long. Going up behind him & worship him (vise versa)

• He’d be your biggest hypeman/ #1 fan (vise versa)

• Would LOVE you wearing his clothes/jewelry & would love to wear you things.

Was probably engaged to his ex (that's why he gets offt when people mention "corpse wife"

There'd be days where he'd be so distance & cold.. & tell you to leave but wouldn't let you.

He'd sit in the bathroom with you when you shower/have a bath.

As he doesn't sleep most night. He'd be up just watching you sleep & caressing you.

Lil spoon > big spoon.

I love you... genuinely . turly. madly. deeply.

#dear cropse #if youre seeing this #i kno youll be okay #im sorry for everything you've had to go through #plz kno #to me #you are my brightest star in a universe of supernovas #you make everything okay for me #till fate do us part #i kno 1 day we'll meet #the universe will bring me to you & you to me

2 notes · View notes

rapmonphile · 7 years

Text

getting to know me

i was tagged by the incredible and sweet @chim-jiminie-cricket to do this question game! tysm chim, ily!!

your last . . .

1. drink: a s’mores frappuccino from starbucks

2. phone call: i literally never talk on the phone but it was probably with my mom (tbh ......i was probably at the grocery store and called her in a panic bc i couldn’t find smth)

3. text message: i sent my sister a screenshot of that post that’s like “i wanna run away but like in a ghibli movie .....” bc we spent all day yesterday watching ghibli films

4. song you listened to: polarize by twenty one pilots

5. time you cried: um this is embarrassing™ but it was a few days ago bc i’d been having a Bad Week and the last straw was when i went to dairy queen and when they turned over my blizzard n handed it to me (why tf do they do that) it made a goddamn mess and got all over my shirt and seatbelt and i was so mad i started crying jhhgsdghhg

have you ever . . .

6. dated someone twice: no but i did almost date the same guy like 4 times in high school (it was so needlessly complicated.... i sometimes wonder what would have happened if we’d ever gotten it together and started dating)

7. kissed someone and regretted it: u m i have actually never kissed anyone tbh

8. been cheated on: no

9. lost someone special: yes

10. been depressed: uh yeah i think i might be depressed? but it also might just be my anxiety but idk who knows man

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: no, i don’t drink and i’m legit terrified of throwing up

list 3 favorite colors

12-14. mint green, oxblood, and hunter green

in the last year, have you . . .

15. made new friends: yes!! so many, esp on here

16. fallen out of love: nope

17. laughed until you cried: yes :’)

18. found out someone was talking about you: hmm no i don’t think so?

19. met someone who changed you: lmao i literally hate this question.......,, i mean yeah i guess? i mean nothing dramatic but i think everyone you meet changes you a little

20. found out who your friends are: ohhhh yes

21. kissed someone on your facebook list: no, ew

random questions

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them, the ones i don’t know are friends of friends or we went to the same high school (i never use fb though so it rly doesn’t matter to me)

23. do you have any pets: yeessss i have a pit bull and she’s the single love of my life

24. do you want to change your name: no i don’t think so, mags is just a nickname but my real name is p unique and even tho i wish people could spell/pronounce it on the first try, at least idk anyone else with my name

25. what did you do for your last birthday: one of my best friends has a bday like 5 days before mine, so we just combined our birthday celebrations and us and a couple more friends went to steak n shake and saw beauty and the beast together

26. what time did you wake up: 9:20 am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: watching the gong show, lmao

28. name something you can’t wait for: i’m going to a music festival in september and i’m soooOOo excited!! also i can’t wait to go to the beach with my family

29. when was the last time you saw your mom: i am looking at her rn

30. what is one thing you wish you could change in your life: i wish i wasn’t so afraid to do new things and i wish i didn’t have so much anxiety about things that literally everyone has to go through (i.e. change)

31. what are you listening to right now: my mom running around putting things into boxes (we’re moving soon)

32. have you ever talked to a person named tom: u mean 707′s neighborhood friend tom? ... yes i actually have met someone named tom

33. something that is getting on your nerves: it’s too hot in this room and i am dying

34. most visited website: tumblr or youtube

35-37. ok so i’ve answered these same questions like probably 10 times over the years and these 3 q’s have literally always been missing. whats the deal

38. hair color: rn it’s brown with blonde highlights

39. long or short hair: it’s getting longer

40. do you have a crush on someone: no

41. what do you like about yourself: hfgdhs idk ,,, i think i’m a fun person and i won’t judge people for liking “weird” things bc i have a lot of ... eclectic interests and i hate how it feels to be teased for that

42. piercings: i just have one in each ear.... i want a cartilage piercing but i’m scared of pain and also it bugs me that you can’t remove it for like 6 months

43. blood type: that’s a good question, i should know that but i don’t

44. nickname: mags, except ppl in real life don’t actually call me that lmao

45. relationship status: single and tbh i’m comfortable with it, i tried dating recently and tbh it is so fucking exhausting

46. zodiac: i am literally a textbook aries

47. pronouns: she/her

48. favorite tv show: the office, bbc sherlock, gravity falls, or anything on the food network/hgtv

49. tattoos: none, i’m scared of pain and commitment

50. right or left handed: right

51. surgery: never had one, thank god

52. piercing: um,,,.,, repeat question

53. favorite sport: tbh i hate sports but i am completely obsessed with the olympics, particularly swimming, diving, figure skating, and women’s gymnastics (seriously.... idk if any of you followed my main during the olympics last year but it was p much all i blogged about)

55. favorite vacation: disney world (i go every year and i went this january but i’m missing it so bad rn)

56. favorite pair of trainers: i have a pair of light gray and light blue nikes that i looooove but i’ve had them for like 3 years and they’re getting worn out

57. eating: nothing, but i did have an eggo waffle this morning

58. drinking: ice water

59. i’m about to: finish packing up my bedroom :(

61. waiting for: my mom to take a shower so we can go grab lunch (there’s literally no food in our house since we’re abt to move)

62. want: the ac to kick on so i can stop dying (it’s already so hot today)

63. get married: hhdgsd idk, ,,, probably (i always say how much i hate romantic shit but tbh i can’t wait to find someone who makes me rethink all the cynical stuff i’ve ever said about love)

64. career: don’t even ask i’m gonna have an anxiety attack (i’m in college and haven’t declared a major yet can u tell)

which is better

65. hugs or kisses: hugs, kissing grosses me out a bit tbh

66. lips or eyes: both (but if i had to pick i’d say eyes i think)

67. shorter or taller: don’t rly care but i guess i’d pick taller

68. older or younger: older

70. nice arms or nice stomach: both (or either)

71. sensitive or loud: these aren’t mutually exclusive but i’d say sensitive

72. hook up or relationship: relationship

73. troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant

have you ever . . .

74. kissed a stranger: no

75. drank hard liquor: no

76. lost glasses/contact lenses: no, my glasses are 100% always on my face

77. turned someone down: yes

78. sex on the first date: mm no

79. broken someone’s heart: yes :/

80. had your heart broken: yes ://

81. been arrested: lmao NO

82. cried when someone died: yes

83. fallen for a friend: yes lmao

do you believe in . . .

84. yourself: i try to !!!!!!

85. miracles: yes

86. love at first sight: no dude... that’s honestly such a dumb notion in my eyes

87. santa claus: um tbh i wish?? like every time i watch rise of the guardians i’m like “that is 1000% what santa would look like” and then i wish he was real

88. kiss on the first date: i wouldn’t want to, just bc i’ve never kissed anyone and i want to get to really know someone first bc i’m so nervous when it comes to things like that

89. angels: no, like i believe that loved ones who’ve passed on can watch over you but i think that’s different from angels

other

90. best friend’s name: eva and kendall

91. eye color: hazel

92. favorite movie: i have millions....,,,,, the secret world of arrietty, monsters university, tangled, big hero 6, how to train your dragon, power rangers, ghostbusters (2016), the incredibles, teenage mutant ninja turtles 2, ratatouille, jersey boys, zootopia .... i’m forgetting a million but yeah. i love animated films, esp. disney/pixar

tagging

i’m literally not tagging 20 people but if i didn’t tag u and you wanna do this, pls pls go ahead and tag me in it!! also i’m soooo sry if i tag you and you’ve already done it/been tagged. anyway i tag: @bbysucculents, @yxonkook, @yoobin-nie, @missmarymoo, @escapaertist, and literally anyone else who wants to do this!! tag me in your answers <3

#ty again chim this was fun and ur answers were cute #I was tagged

2 notes · View notes

boodicc · 5 years

Text

a bit depressed rn

just like, an inch

im probably just a tad overworked/stressed or smth idk but like......... ok.......... now to deal w this before it spirals out of control i am feeling. uncomfortable. on the inside. not at ease. hmmmm. i keep getting spurts of energy and excitement then i crash back down right after into The Pit. i did a couple of fun things tho.... i drew some art that i like, i started a doll customizing project, i grabbed my dolls, theyre all up here in my room with me now (the big ones at least) played minecraft for a little bit, but then i got this sense of like. strained. boredom. like i really wanna play but i just wasnt. into it. i keep closing the game, then restarting the game, and playing different instances/worlds instead of just sticking to the one i just started

tbh my heads just all over the place all the time

was gonna stim to some music but i didnt find my headphones, then got distracted w my cat, then now im in my room...... i showered and washed my face tho... drank water, ate dinner,,,,,,,,, gotta go brush my teeth now

im just guessing a lot is happening and im just drained,,, but idk how to fill my energy back up?? like idw to do anything, idw to talk to anyone,,, (this is like depression 101) i did take my meds so im Aight in that aspect but i just feel

overal

bad

inadequate

which isnt News tbf this is the staple and core of all boof’s intrusive thoughts

i keep getting borderline suicidal intrusive thoughts and just general bad things (nobody likes u, they will forget abt you, you wont be missed etc yknow typical shit) and im just., actively going “naaaaaaah ur just having a Moment you’re a relatively decent person” in my head and trying to Not Dwell on it but it keeps coming back anyways

dunno why im getting moodswings. change in diets? bad weather? stress?

also not to be Concerning but my Vvvvvvery lowkey psychosis symptoms are slightly more prominent these past couple of days. ik i said i love my dolls and theyre pretty but i. dunno why. i feel that theyre alive. and that scares me more than like “ooooo theyre evillll” bc theyre not theyre just. not what sanity accepts and that scares me. I feel like they’re Sentient but I know they’re not. theyre just. objects. objects that i adore yes. but theyre not alive. but i feel like they have a Presence almost and theyre Watching Me, Judging, seeing how Good I can Be. like if i dont pat them im a bad owner. and then i keep getting flashes of really uneasy images in my mind and its.

not fun

theyre not gory or anything but theyre unexplainably. off-putting. in an eldritch, incomprehensible way. like No Thanks Brain I dont need pop up screamers in my own head akjndkjnsjkndsknajdk

and Once Again, not To Be Too Concerning, but like. i might or might not have attempted to hang myself in my closet once, right. i feel like i might catch a glimpse of me in there if i look too long or smth. idw to really talk abt it much, bc im getting cold sweats rn, but its heebeejeebies man. im kinda dizzy, things swimmin a bit, i feel like im in one of those filters where it makes the whole vidya wobble.............

deeeeeep inhale. dont wanna. dwell on it too much. i think ill sleeb. keep myself comfortable and safe n wat not. theres not much to do other than wait this out and try to take it easy i suppose. a bit of a mental flu/cold KJNJKSNKJNDJKSNKJDN

0 notes

fandomfriendly · 6 years

Text

I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!

#im excited that im alive but no necessarily excited about living this life #IM OKAY THO WHOOP I AIN GETTING DOWN NOW!!#its the middle if pride month like #idk okay im done lmao #me

0 notes