#and finally seeing how insane I actually am

[witherbythesword]

if the theory of sam reich being replaced by .. evil wizard dalton reich (and i cant believe i am partaking in this discurse) is true..

i've seen some people asking the question about what those childhood tapes mean. Well i am one of the ancient ones that owned vhs tapes and you know you could replace whats stored on those tapes with overwriting it with new material but it would slowly degrade the quality as the magnetic tape the information is stored on isn't necessarly made to be re-recorded on indefinetly which would also explain the degrading quality of the gamechanger episode.

So my theory is that dalton reich wants to erase sam from history and to do this he is slowly erasing any proof that could hint on sam and dalton being two different people. One thing he appearantly needed to do is overwrite these old vhs tapes of sams childhood.

#game changer #dropout tv #Sam Reich #having worked in an archive i think depending on quality of the tape and what generation it is #you can record and re-record on it 5-10 times #which would fit the loops on the episode kinda #listen i wanted to be cool but i love time loops OKAY #I am actually in disbelieve that no one tackled sam to the ground #like brennan did during the dance thing in the “second place” episode #and screamed “DANCING IS A SIN” #to keep Sam from kicking the god damn camera #i also feel like i've been hexed with the wenis curse #you see all those text about it and think.. well... how bad can it be? truely? #and the answer is simple #EVERYBODY DO THE WENIS #THE WENIS IS A DANCE #EVERBYODY IS A GENIUS #WHO KNOWS IS IN ADV (gunshoots.. sirens blaring in the background.. and a wet thud sounds right next to you) #also.. not to be like alu head levels of conspiracy but by now the nimber of accounts #saying the dropout cast should be hunting down sam as the final game changer episode of the season #is suspicious to me #like... if that turn out to be a fixitman situation of people being IN on something #am just going full balls to the wall riz gukgak tatooing night yorb on his chest levels of insane by now 👍 #also the sfx needed thing #reminds me about how jacob always does his own buzzer sound #because clearly the normal buzzer sound was always there #also.. the red shining buzzer reflecting in the prompt screen..that wasn't always that way right?

[lokideservesahug]

Acceptable "Infidelity"

Pairing: Mark Webber x fem!reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating (there is none, it's a big misunderstanding)

Notes: No one asked for this bi I hope you enjoy it regardless. Also with all the Pinterest diving I did for this, I have a massive urge to write for Jenson Button but no idea what do if anyone has any requests, please send them my way.

Summary: The 2024 Australian GP, the day of an incredible race, insane results and Mark Webber cheating on his wife?

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Yourusername

Yourusername: What a great Ausgp this year and I can not tell you how great it is to be back 🤍

Liked by aussiegrit, oscarpiastri and 343,897 others

See all 4,875 comments

User1: I'm so curious as to whether she saw the twitter threads or not because Mark is here not once but TWICE....

↳User2: You are freaking grilboss job photos... plus Mark

Aussiegrit: Great to see you back in the paddock.

↳Yourusername: And it was lovely to see you again Mark🤍

↳User3: Awwww... now kiss

↳User4: Woahman they're both married that's a bit wierd (frfr pls)

User5: I know Y/N read that twitter thread and then giggled with all the chaos she made with this photo

Liked by yourusername

User6: Aus GP photo dump but without Oscar!!! OUTRAGEOUS!

↳Yourusername: Sorry😔 But at lesst there is one Aussie!

↳User7: Y/N only had room for one Australian and it had to be her fav.

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Aussiegrit

Aussiegrit: This isn't the way we wanted the world to find out but with the ever invasive paparazzi, I am finally able to show the love of my life off.

Liked by yourusername, Oscarpiastri and 2,897,543 others

View all 35,986 comments

User1: I KNEW IT!!!! I AM SOBBING RN MY BIGGEST SHIP (FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS IS AFLOAT)

↳ Yourusername: We've been married for 7 actually :)

↳User2: Have I just died and ascended into heaven? What is this that I'm hearing?

Yourusername: Love you, the love of MY life 🤍

↳Aussiegrit: Love you more🖤

↳Yourusername: Not possibleeee

↳Aussiegrit: It is because I said so (also when are you coming home?)

↳Yourusername: It doesn't work like that (half an hour, I've just need to finish one last thing and then I'm yours)

↳Aussiegrit; Yes I does (I can't wait to see you. Love you, more than you'll ever love me)

↳Yourusername: No🤍 (And no🤍 but see you soon)

User3: I'm I'm happy for them (I'm crying my eyes out)

User4: The white and black hearts omddd. Its like they complete each other!

Liked by yourusername, Aussiegrit

User5: I want what they have pls🙏

↳User6: Fr. I also want their secret jeering skills because 7 years if marriage and however long of dating being a secret is so impressive

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Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it!

As always, likes, reblogs and especially feedback is always welcome!

Taglist: @nikfigueiredo @mysoulispainted @leclercings @d3kstar @hiireadstuff @a-beaverhausen @nichmeddar @lozzamez3 @stinkyjax @marymustdie @littlesatanicassholebitch @mehrmonga @insanedeathwish @ems-alexandra @a-disturbing-self-reflection @cherry-piee @minkyungseokie

#f1 x reader #f1 #formula 1 #f1 x you #f1 fanfic #mark webber x reader #mark webber #mark webber x you #mark webber x y/n #mark webber x fem!reader #mark webber smau #f1 smau #ldah's writing

[theghoulboysblog]

Appreciate your post so much. Of course it's healthy to have a level of criticism with the things and people we admire and love but when I saw the racial hatred against steven and ryan, it was so hard on my heart at an Asian POC, like actually feeling like physical pain to see those things being said about Asian artists that I love. Like really, the second shit hits the fan theres finally justification for them to pull out the money hungry, controlling, business obsessed asian stereotype and no grace that it could be some artists/creatives who made a misstep in their business.

yes, it was truly so unnecessary, hateful, and disgusting. i am not an asian poc, but rather a black poc, so i cannot imagine what it must have felt like over these last few days to have to so many stereotypes and unkind words brought up simply to demonize ryan and steven. it was so disgusting.

but the way that they praised shane and babied him, saying he was “pure and kind” so he couldn’t have possibly agreed, just left such a bad taste in my mouth. the fandom being so ready to make excuses for the white founder was just so insane to me. it’s like, how is any poc supposed to feel okay in this fandom when y’all are calling the white man more pure and saying he’s unable of any wrongdoing 💀

it was such a big fuck you to all the people of color, and it was so unnecessary. nobody has to like any of the watcher boys, but to sit there and vilify ryan and steven while calling shane “king” is SO CRAZY LMAO.

#hope you’re okay anon 🫶 #sending MUCH LOVE!!! #take care of yourself #aly answers

[artheresy]

I can’t stay quiet about this, I need to scream it to SOMEBODY ANYBODYYY

Dan Heng and Blade were Dan Feng and Yingxing. “Dh and Bld are Df and Yx!” Nope, their current selves aren’t them, that lacks nuance. “Dh and Bld aren’t Df and Yx!” THAT ALSO LACKS NUANCEE they are still connected and fundamentally shaped by their past identities, they aren’t entirely separate from them while also still being separate in a way. The best way I can describe it is like a venn diagram, there is overlap, but there also are still areas where they don’t.

To expand more, I wanna talk about the way they foil each other a bit in this sense. For Dan Heng, even if he is a botched rebirth, simply a “de-aged Dan Feng” not fully reborn, he is still not Dan Feng. While Dan Feng has made up the basis of his personality and he accepts him as his past, I think we forget that Dan Heng had his own entire childhood after the molting rebirth was completed. One he spent imprisoned by the Ten Lords Commission, and then he was exiled when he was old enough leading to his whole journey until he became apart of the Astral Express crew etc etc. Dan Heng is made up of a basis of Dan Feng + All of his own memories and experiences. While he shares traits with Dan Feng such as personality aspects like his stubbornness, his technique with a spear, and being able to connect with his old items, he also is very much himself with his own outlook and traits shaped by what he’s learned rather than what he has been born with. To treat him as if he is Dan Feng exactly is a disservice to both of their characters and the greater narrative that they apart of. He may still carry the burdens and karma of Dan Feng, but Dan Heng is still making his own future.

Now, Blade. Blade similarly is not Yingxing, not completely. Though he accepts Yingxing’s sin as his own and is intent of repaying the sin of Dan Feng and Yingxing (and getting Dan Heng to repay it too), there still are distinctions between him and Yingxing. In fact, I’d argue there are more things separating them. I could talk for so long again about the layered use of craftsmanship to connect, or rather disconnect, the two identities of Blade and Yingxing, but there’s more than that. “Now, ██ had died. His first — and only — death.” “From this moment on, that body will be the one and only "Blade."” Although Blade was Yingxing, a disconnect exists between them through the death of Yingxing. He awoke with no memories of his past, no even his name, until Jingliu came along, instilled in him her ideologies, made him remember, not only his past sins but the feeling of death so that he might inflict it onto others. As she said, he was reborn and had even given himself a name…

I want to add that the specific ways in which their current identities exist in proximity to their past ones foil each other. As I said, Dan Heng, in part as his sabotaged rebirth, is built upon the foundation of Dan Feng and all of his own experiences and memories. He has the capacity to gain back more memories of Dan Feng as his DH IL character stories outline, and though he is still himself and still moves forward, we see him accept his relation to Dan Feng eventually. Though that past life of his is clouded by fog and mist, he may eventually be able to push away the clouds that block him and understand more, about Dan Feng and in turn about himself. With Blade, it is so heavily emphasized in game from his relic lore to the very sword he uses that his mind is essentially broken, due both in part to the trauma of Jingliu’s “teachings” and the mara that was brought on by those lessons. He can’t fully remember everything about Yingxing, in fact actively remembering such or seeing familiar things is harmful to him. Like his shard sword, he is made of broken pieces, put together in a way that can never erase the cracks, and continuously shattering before being glued together again. His life is shaped by Yingxing’s past, the trauma he has endured is directly caused by his past actions. Unlike Dan Heng, he hasn’t had this whole life to build up and live. Though he’s experienced new things, they don’t shape him and change him in the way that Dan Heng’s built his identity up.

Where Dan Heng basically has supplements to Dan Feng’s identity that make him who he is, Blade is the broken shards and pieces of Yingxing that weren’t lost to the waves, making him who he is. Dan Heng is a next chance, finally free from the Preceptors’ control and of the role that stripped his past selves of their individuality, meanwhile Blade is the husk left behind of Yingxing’s regrets, broken by trauma caused due to Yingxing’s past actions, forever tormented by his past until he inevitably is able to die. If Dan Heng is more than just Dan Feng which is why he is separate but intertwined with him, than Blade is less than Yingxing, in a way that has caused such a severe disconnect that has caused Blade to have his own identity still shaped. And looking at this, not to again bring up my craftsmanship post about Blade, Dan Heng can connect to Dan Feng. He can clear the fog, remembering his memories through dreams even if he can’t fully connect emotionally to him, and he finds sentiment in many of items that once were his, smth not many Vidyadhara actually are capable of doing. To contrast, Blade is forever separated from connecting completely to Yingxing’s identity. His memories will always be fragmented, his own path entirely changed. He can’t connect to Yingxing’s past goals and passions, seen through the distinct decision made in his character stories to talk about how he can no longer use his hands to forge weapons (something that completely defined Yingxing’s life and legacy, tied to his childhood trauma and hatred of the Abundance, something that became his genuine passion), and how none of that mattered to Blade.

All of this, the ways they foil each other and the separation between their past selves and current, just makes me love their dynamic and their lore a lot. Makes me want to cry most days of my life if I’m honest. And it’s part of why I do take issue with the way nuance has completely left this argument, only having two extremes of “Dan Heng is Dan Feng!” Or “Dan Heng isn’t Dan Heng!” Again… Dan Heng WAS Dan Feng, he wouldn’t be Dan Heng without Dan Feng, but he is still himself. That’s part of the tragedy between them. They are still fundamentally defined and shaped by their past selves, similarities able to be spotted if they can be remembered, but they’ve also experienced so much that has changed them, and they can never truly go back to being Dan Feng and Yingxing. It would never be fully the same again.

#okay rant over #ahahahha #i hate seeing arguments about them #especially on tiktok this is unfortunately where i see the most nuance lost #i just needsd to rant #especially once my brain finally clicked how they foil each other in yet another element #that being ofc the supplement vs fragment style with their past selves #they make me insane #i hate them sm #(i love them way too much #they make me SICK #even if hyv has fucked up a bit in the actual quest writing at times #the sheer level of detail and care put into dan heng and blade’s lore is RAAAHH #i am having allergies #my leg pain is still awful today #and think about these two is only making my health worse HELP #hsr #honkai star rail #hsr blade #yingxing #dan heng #dan feng #renheng #hengren #xingyue #fengxing #I wrote this last night at 1 am but held off posting it until now o7

[gayemoji]

this week on I DONT THINK HE WOULD FUCKING DO THAT: house ramming a car into cuddys house while she has guests

#house spoilers #house s7 #house md #WHERE THE FUCK DO WE GO FROM HERE #like unLESS the eriters are pulling another 'teehee vicadin hallucinations' on us #which je sus chri st . #HOW TF DO THEY PULL THIS SHIT BACK #we've got a whole nother season left so unless house is just one the run & wilson just joins him bc obviously hes gonna forgive him #like WH. believe me i can forgive fictional characters of A L O T but this shit just does not make any damn sense #ofc he's in a bad spot (<-UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY) #and he already maxed out his self destruction meter for the week. like thats his one coping mechanism spent. #but to RAM his car into cuddys whole ass dining room just cause he saw her with some and so he thought shed lied to him . #bro am i insane if i say thats too much even for house.of all damn people #like if this was a SERIES finale with stronger more obvious buildup and not just like. #½ a season of cuddy and house actually happy together and then ½ a season of whoops theyll never work out i guess #and instead something like s7 minus the CAR RAMMING and s8 is just house boiling and stewing and eventually he rams his car #with intention to kill and intnetion to die #then SURE i think that would be something i could see his character becoming #but this is so damn out of the blue. #house would not do impulse attempted murder no matter how fucked up he was on rage or pain or vicadin #m #live

[minamotoz]

said i was done w dsmp related content on this blog but i need a bit more time to cope w how these two ended

#my art #dream smp #jack manifold #tubbo #i didnt watch tommys stream at all bc i literally cannot stomach watching anything w dr*am #(hence why the only streams i actually tuned into were both jack and tubbos last streams) #i have a hell of a lot of criticisms w how the story ended. like a fuck ton that i'll probs get into some other time #but like. 80% of the finale from tubbos pov was fuckin awesome #maybe thats just bc i love cnukeduo a ton #i think the way they play off each other is great #and i love the way ctubbo is like . so insanely pissed at cjack but still offers him room for redemption #bc he sees how torn cjack is and how genuinely remorseful he becomws once the weight of his actions sets in #i jsut love these two a lot idk #and the CALLBACKS dont even get me started #if me in 2021 found out that both thr manishroom and the triple ts would be called out to BY NAME #in this stream #i probably wldve died #anyways thats my rant this finale couldve been so good if the triple ts had survived and properly healed #AND FUCKKKKKKK DREAM🗣

[rusted-phone-calls]

I am sitting under my desk with bits of glitter everywhere squeezing the fluffiest alpaca stuffed animal ever trying not screaming at the Sokeefe confession scene

#THIS. THIS IS WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE I WAS ELEVEN. #i WILLnot hesitate to cry if situation calls for it #my hands are shaking quite literally. the confession SPEECH i am INSANE #chokes and freaking dies #if my parents look over right now they will see me going feral oh god #you do not understand how much this means to me hfddhbjasdfhdshaf #OKAY OKAY OKAY IM OKAY IM NORMAL IM CALM #beauty and grace........... peace on the planet earth...and elflat as well.... #NATURE IS HEALING SOKEEFE FINALLY YES. YESYESYSEYES #kotlc #.im sorry. not #kotlc spoilers #stellarlune spoilers #sokeefe #brain. is not working except. thoughts about sokeefe. #chis tmr sokeefe my saviour you will be with me #i am. actually going to cry.

[akkivee]

i feel very seen as someone who draws buff kuukou lmao

#this is vee speaking #the arb chronicles #i also feel very insane looking at this but that’s just the usual vee perogative at play lol #kuukou seems to get put into loose fit clothing but one day the official artists will wake up and draw the snatched waist i know he has LOL #it’s actually funny i’ve been wanting to compare waistlines between bat because it genuinely looks like kuukou’s bigger than hitoya lmao #whereas what i visualise while drawing them is that hitoya is bigger on principle of being both a bigger man and a stocky body type #and kuukou has an hourglass figure lmao #jyushi’s upside down triangle to me lol and once his body starts developing muscle it’ll be more apparent and less twig lol #but anyway lol the chuuoku women have rightfully claimed my brain but i really like the event!!!!!!!! kuukou’s outfit notwithstanding lol #like kuukou invited himself to stay at the dohifu abode for a month lmao!!!!!! hifumi taught kuukou how to pose and walk the catwalk!!!!!!! #in an odd tabled the turns hifumi was the one apologising for someone else’s behaviour lmao!!!!!!! #i finally got the saburo kuukou interaction of my dreams!!!!! saburo the prickly kid and kuukou the one who ignores that shit lol!!!! #the way kuukou could tell saburo has performance anxiety issues and talked him thru it #while also addressing saburo hiding himself behind ichiro’s name and telling him to be proud of who saburo is I AM— I CANNOT— HELP ME— #saburo: i literally don’t want to hear something like that from you!!!!!! 🤢 #kuukou: lol a prickly bastard til the end huh? well i don’t hate that kinda stubbornness 😈 #saburo is now bad ass temple’s baby brother i’m sorry i don’t make the rules #AND LOL after some terrorists crashed the show and ran off before anyone could fight anybody since they got scared seeing bat bb mtr #kuukou invited everyone to a meal at a temple on hitoya’s dime LMAO #hitoya: WHAT??? jakurai: thank you for treating us hitoya 🤗 hitoya: NO YOURE HELPING ME PAY 💢 #c: kuukou👑

[seventh-district]

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

#hsr #honkai star rail #hsr 2.2 #hsr spoilers #hsr leaks #the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am #i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before #but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one #so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days #it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me #but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and #gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it #and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story #not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know #but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game #anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :) #and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream #pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we #i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see- #-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out.. #the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!) #i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!? #they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing #Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it #and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet #also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow. #that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!! #not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good #Seven.txt #viddy game stuff

[thewingedwolf]

@breanime the issue is that there’s so many things that could be causing it that basically every time i go to a pcp and say “the nausea is kicking my ass” they just kinda shrug. like it could be the fibromyalgia, the h. pylori, the lactose intolerance, the gerd, or something completely new (my mother actually does think i might have a hernia so you are possibly on the right track there) and trying to impress upon a doctor that my symptoms are severe enough that i’m complaining means they are likely at a point where a normal person would go to the ER, but a lot of them just kinda act like i complain to hear myself talk. like, the last two i had just put me on The Fibro Meds and when i said “hey i’m not sure these are doing much” they went “well those are the fibro meds so keep at it” like they won’t even give me things to ease the symptoms atp and im like 80% sure there’s a sticky note in my file that says “drug seeker and hypochondriac” bc the amount of times i’ve been dropped by a doctor or blown off in the past two years is kind of insane.

#replies #breanime #i *am* actually worried it’s a hernia. i’ve been thinking of completely switching groups bc i went from feeling like i finally had doctor’s #that cared about me to. after i got the fibro diagnosis. just being completely abandoned several times by several doctors #and that is not even counting the number of therapists that straight up drop me bc i’m too crazy. like will say To My Face they don’t do #cases like me. idk how u become a doctor and see a 20 year old sobbing in your office bc their body is just. broken. and go ‘nothing i can #do to help sorry’ like it’s insane to me i cry over random patrons at work i can’t help and u won’t help a sick person????? #anyway i didn’t mean to rant i’ve just been nauseous for like six months straight and i’m over it #i’m sorry u had a hernia tho those are rough i had a gym teacher who had one and he really went thru it poor dude 😭 #the amount of weed i’ve smoked to ease my nausea and swelling and pain………not healthy!!! #but if i say ‘the weed is the only thing that helps’ they accuse me of drug seeking. yeah bitch i am seeking drugs bc i’m sick! #also i appreciate whenever i make sad posts u specifically are like ‘oh no 😭’ more valid than any doctor

[carelesscuriosity]

Rina Sawayama is actually a goddess

#rina sawayama #how tf does she have all that energy on stage it’s insane #like i finally understand what is meant by *mother* #jfc actually am obsessed after seeing her in concert

[astrxealis]

fun story i got the dlc of 'a date with death' at school LMFAO ..... i have cash but not gcash (it's a filipino thing) so i was talking w my friend in class who also played the game (and she calls me a nerd /pos a lot lol) and i was like i want the dlc but i have no gcash... and she was like ok i'll give you gcash..... enabler ....... but also she wants me to tell her abt it so. ^_^ ecks dee

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #super duper fun day at school again! wow. idk. love my friends. #i am severely cramming on my yearbook stuff tho haha... oops..... #hope you all had a wonderful day too !!! :3 <3 #currently insane btw uh sm is going on (/pos & /neg) but i am. calm rn i think. yeah. #also finally played omori again ^__^ and i've been playingg ddlc myself for the first time despite knowing it since middle school/release #and i had fun being silly w my classmates and friends who know me well by now for the little hyper 'tism thing i am #...and today my two friends in class have said i seem autistic. or maybe also adhd. #!!!!! which is a Lot coming from them like i've said b4 bcs one is literally going into psych and was tested as a young kid #and the other i learned today has been asked often by diagnosed friends if they have adhd #and my diagnosed friend (hi bestie if you see this) thinks i'm adhd w a bit of the tism. so...!!!! #actually the more i realize how diff i am from the normal person the more i start to truly wonder again. hm. #also i'm writing a ton... but like in my notebook :3 gna write in gdocs some more + for school & self-indulgent & content !!!!! yay #gna do more game dev and design too and read. aaahhh and exercise and take care of myself and sleep better..... #will take care of myself!!! will do my best!!! and make it a habit!!! i am happy rn can you tell

[grimvestige]

fuck it summary of art time, here you go.

template by @/necromosss on twt!

#my art #summary of art #dnd #dnd art #she ra #spop #she ra catadora #catradora #i am...very bad at seeing my own improvement so i just aaaaaa i have very mixed feelings on this #also I kinda hate that I can see how overworked and busy I was for the first 4 months because of my final semester of school #like all of my finished work was schoolwork for march and april bc of finals #also going slightly insane bc I have like a million nice pieces for the last 3 months of the year but theres only 1 month #and some are tiarnan spoilers #ANYWAY #end of that ramble #I need to work on being nicer to my own work and actually liking it #but I just feel so neutral about it most of the time

[ten]

i need to stop falling for my friends it is a real serious problem 

#i dont mean the cute hehe i love my friends! thing bc yes for 99% of my friends i am (mutually) platonically in love with them but then #there's this one person... #there's always this ONE PERSON....... #literally send help it's getting insane #it was one girl for 4? years and now for 1.5 years it has been this other girl and IF I DONT STOP #LMAO #why does this keep HAPPENING TO MEEEE 😖😫😫😫😫😫 #my crush on girl 1 'ended' bc we used to be superrr close (like super close LMAO) but then we graduated high school and naturally drifted #ended is in quotes bc i know that if i ever see her again and hang out that crush will come back SO fast. like legit lightning speed #my crush on girl 2 is currently happening but i've been battling with it on and off... #how bad is it that i want to stop being friends with her so my heart and thoughts will finally be free #i wouldnt actually do it because i know thats mean and selfish 😔😔😔 but god i really want to #i tried just like slowwwly (super slowly) drifting so that it would happen naturally but this girl is not letting me go! i am dying

[yawn-emoji]

#who i was march 24 2022 and who i am now are completely different people. i remember crying in caffe reggio to zay sun and adiba because #my dad was in the hospital and we didnt know why and we werent even there to support him and my mom because we had travelled to nyc that #morning. and the whole trip was overshadowed by this sense of grief and fear and horror at what was unfolding back at home while i was #trying to pretend everything was okay and that i was fine. i never cry in public but i cried on the q train while visiting my coworker who #lives in manhattan and then i sobbed in a xi’an famous foods location in manhattan w my brothers because the cheapest and earliest train #home was that night and i had no idea what to do w myself #and when we got home finally we all knew what the diagnosis was but nobody wanted to say it not even the doctors. i dont think anyone used #the actual word cancer to us for months. they cloaked it in such technical terms so as to make it easier to swallow but it was still like. #an elephant in the room yk? nobody told us the stage either but it was a stage iv glioblastoma and i remember going on r/glioblastoma and #just crying reading all the posts abt how difficult this disease is. most projections were six months to a year and a half. a lot of people #even chose not to get treatment because of the high probability that it would make no difference to the prognosis. i have no idea whether we #made the right choice going w chemo or not honestly. only time will tell i guess. inshaAllah this will prove to have been the right choice #idk what im even trying to say now. i just dont reflect a lot on where i was when this started because it’s… almost too painful. i have #given up so much for my dad at this point and i still feel like it’s not enough but also i’ve been trapped by this sickness and i’ve given #up my life to it and idk how to rebuild myself from here. i need to move on w my life but what if these are the last moments w him and i #take those for granted by not staying home to take care of him and spend time w him. again idk what im trying to say here i just have no #idea how we got to this place. it still feels like some insane fever dream that i will suddenly awaken from #seeing pictures of my dad even from 2021 is the hardest thing. i have no idea what happened to that bright funny charismatic loving man. he #is literally a shell of himself at this point and i hate it. it actually turns my stomach sometimes because it all is so wrong #none of this was supposed to happen he was supposed to retire peacefully somewhere tropical in a couple years not get diagnosed w cancer #journal #illness tw

[faeparrish]

i always feel like i’m still mentally 16-18 but then i’ll see teenagers interacting with each other and it’s suddenly clear that I’ve grown a lot since then

#me and my gf went to see mitski last night (it was an insane performance) and it felt like we were the oldest people in the crowd lmao #there was a group of girls and most of them were 15-17 but one of them was 18 and she kept talking about how she’s an adult #but she and the rest of them were screaming crying and yelling like teenagers the whole concert #which is like yeah that’s what teenagers do lmao go scream and be a little bit annoying at your favourite artists show #it was just funny to witness because i’m not around teenagers anymore like all my siblings are in their 20s now #i forgot how far away i actually am from that now and i’m so glad of it #mitski is one of my favourite artists ever and we had to plan around everything to get to that concert #and when she was performing these girls were losing their minds and me and my gf were just 👩🏻‍❤️‍👩🏻 and :-) #not that we don’t like her any less i think if i was a teenager again i would also be outwardly losing my mind too #but at this point i’m like this is a really intelligent performer who is also just a regular person and i really enjoy her art #idk it’s just a funny observation literally no shade to teenagers losing their minds at concerts bc we’ve all been there #i just remembered that i’m not that age anymore! i’ve gone from idolising her as a teen to really just appreciating her art as an adult #anyway! it was a very good concert and i am still in shock that i finally managed to get to see her perform