#and for me. a lot of writing my own shit when I am unhappy

[punch-love]

conflict anon here again and im SO GLAD you agree man. i think what really gets me about it is that i was specifically searching for conflict-packed fic and that's why i was so let down. i also feel like authors are entitled to write whatever they want forever but it just FEELS to me when im reading their fics like they would be happier writing something more domestic, and i want to find something where they're more feral.

i want the ID reveal and the relationship-confirming to cause MORE problems, hell i want them to get together and blow out into a massive argument and breakup then have breakup sex and get back together and then realize the sex didn't actually fix anything and then break up again but they can't stop being obnoxiously in each others space either way

but it feels like fic im trying to find like this fights the very concept of conflict so hard and wants one singular plot point to fix everything as quickly as possible without even walking me through the characters' insight as to HOW that fixed anything other than "problem over, let's be together forever now!" let alone the level of conflict that'd be so engaging like that with a million curveballs

im so aware its a personal taste thing its just been frustrating reading fic after fic after fic and finding so little of it. its no ones fault i can't find fic perfectly tailored to my tastes specifically, i just tend to ramble about my frustration. you and oprime and sci and a couple other authors are my favorite for writing it the way you do, she's not gonna die today will always be one of my favorite fics of all time because it gave me that ever persisting conflict driven by their obsessive need to stick together even when they're fighting every step of the way. i just always get into a longwinded ramble when this comes up and i was hoping youd like to share your thoughts so thank you for answering 🙏

I think this pairing kind of presents a unique challenge to writers (at least it did for me) that action and conflict is such a huge, borderline essential part of their canonical dynamic. If you're not used to writing/utilizing both physical and emotional conflict, your stories can often fall so, so flat for these two, specifically because that's the fuel that makes the engine run. The first true action scene I ever wrote was chapter two of love-punch, and I like, now I'm an action writer for life now (editing an action sequence as we speak) but I had to get out of my comfort zone because I realized that type of stories I wanted to write about them required them to beat the shit out of each other to work.

These two are definitely not problem solvers so much as shit starters. I feel like for them, the problems they actually have to solve are the ways they perceive each other (because both of them heavily project onto the other) and what that means long-term for their relationship - every other form of conflict, to me, is up for grabs forever when it comes to their relationship. The shit talking, ass kicking, and fire starting is what makes them, them.

I've said this before, but a lot of people write fanfiction as an exploration of their own ideal relationships. (which is absolutely fine) I think spideypool is a difficult sell though, for that specific fantasy, because their relationship operates on instability and violence primarily. I think most people aren't looking for a relationship where your communication consists of name-calling, beat downs, and moral differences so severe it makes you almost kill each other a lot. That, does not make a good, a good or healthy real world relationship but SUCH a fun fictional one. People are going to write their fantasies out, though, and that fantasy is that one kiss/one fuck/one confession creates relationship fueled bliss forever because many people, hate conflict - both experiencing and reading it. It sucks, if you're a reader who likes problems. I also always say this, but I encourage you to channel that energy into writing your own work. It's what I did, and it paid off so great for me because now I have 12 works specifically catered to my own personal needs exclusively. Fandom is always going to suck, but you can be the change! (and if you don't want to write, that's cool too, sometimes it's good just to get your qualms out into the world and find people who agree)

tagging @primewritessmut again so she can read your praise straight from the source.

It's a tough fandom if you really like their canonical dynamic more than their fanon one, I feel you man. I am always holding a prayer circle that more writers who like problems more than they like easy resolutions joins in and starts writing some real fucked up shit.

#mailbox #peter parker confession booth #there's for sure an audience but you have to like. really enjoy writing about conflict and difficult solutions to said conflict #and that's a tragically small pool of people (lol) in this fandom #it means a lot of filtering. a lot of scrolling the top page #and for me. a lot of writing my own shit when I am unhappy #I again #feel you so hard on this one #conflict rules

[caraphernellie]

cowboy like me // e.w. [chapter two]

summary: a modern day princess living under outdated royal protocol in which your own existence is forbidden. in a typical state visit to strengthen your country's relations with the united states, you find it harder than ever to keep your sexuality secret when you meet the president's daughter, ellie williams, and sparks fly.

an: hello guyzzz it took me ages to get off my ass and write this chapter. um i dont think i like this. as always i am very unhappy with my own writing i wish i could just take ideas directly from my head and show u guys because i feel like my writing has not lived up to that. this chapter is a lot shorter than i wantedddd and idk it feels rushed but likeee??? idk this is more to move the plot along. the juicier (angst) stuff happens next chapter tho

wc: 1.5k masterlist

cw: being closeted, having a beard/merkin, rejecting a man lmfao, being publicly embarrassed, kinda angsty? not much ellie, more focused on reader this chapter! however ellie's kind of an asshole! she's privileged as hell

cameras are on you at all times in public. so there’s no room to risk exposing yourself. no room to hold hands, or for a tantalising exchange of words into each other’s ear, or for kisses.

what the public can pick up on is at the very least a very tight knit friendship. the kind of friendship that allows you to feel like being yourself for once. they’re seeing more of your personality than ever, with ellie’s constant need to make you giggle in that way you always do. even if it’s unintentional, and she’s making a fool of herself, it’s her favourite thing to hear, therefore the public embarrassment becomes worth it.

like that time you were complaining to her about those scuffed up converse– how she could definitely afford nicer shoes, how they look out of place amidst her nicer, dry-cleaned suits, though her messier demeanour is just something very charming, very ellie. and it was the untied laces of those very converse sneakers that she tripped over and almost fell on her ass in front of everyone. you couldn’t control your laughter, snorting in a way in which royal management would scold for being ‘unladylike.’ for ellie, the embarrassment subsided immediately, blooming into a fondness in her heart instead as she guided you away from cameras with a hand on the small of your back.

☆☆☆

in that very same office you had your first kiss, you wake weeks later in a frenzy when the president barges in. scrambling to get up, off of ellie who sleeps like the dead, and calm the beating of your heart.

but you aren’t met with judgement, only his chuckling face having assessed the scene. ellie stirring awake, and you quickly standing. both fully dressed, no reason to assume anything happened.

“sorry to wake you,” president williams smirks, straightening down his tie. “couldn’t find either of you.”

it’s something everyone’s grown used to now. ellie taking you for random escapades that stresses the secret service when they realise they’ve lost you. but this was no random escapade. this was a late night guitar lesson that ended with you cuddling on the couch until sleep consumed you.

“oh, i see,” you murmur, clearing your throat and attempting polite conversation to dull the nervous thoughts in your mind. hoping to whatever’s above that people haven’t picked up on the blossoming romance between you and ellie. “we were up late last night. i’ll admit your daughter makes a comfortable pillow.”

president williams, much like said daughter who is grumbling beside you, seems to find humour in anything. he’s a more pleasant man than one would expect with the power he has. your comment leaves him chuckling again, but again you fear the worst. maybe he’s only laughing because he’s picking up on your feelings. “well, i’m glad to hear that, your highness. however i have come to tell you the king and queen have requested to speak with you.”

shit.

“oh!” you nod, smile reaching your lips. overthinking everything possible– what if it’s about ellie? what if they know? what if it’s something simple and i’m freaking out over nothing? is it obvious that i’m freaking out? what if i just look guilty about something? it feels pathetic the way you start trembling as you stand there. “thank you for telling me, i’ll get ready for the day and go speak with them as soon as possible.”

☆☆☆

it was almost worse than you imagined.

“we can’t let the public keep thinking this, do you understand?” your mother asks. “it’s not that there would be anything wrong with it, but it’s so controversial that this could very well damage our reputation.”

it’s sickening. nausea swirling your stomach, as if you’re rocking on a boat in a wild tide. you almost feel like you’re going to start sweating bullets soon.

“to clarify, there’s nothing wrong with it if the rumours are true,” the king repeats, looking at you so intently you feel like shrinking. “is it tr–”

“absolutely not,” you say quickly. “no, that would be weird. ellie is my friend, the closest friend i’ve made in a while. it’s not like that.”

quick to lie, eager to defend yourself. this feels easier than just coming out.

“alright,” your mother nods. “but we still have to do something about this. something subtle. of course it won’t be a real relationship, but we’ve had to organise a boyfriend as advised by the public relations officers. public dates, public appearances, but you won’t need anything further than that.”

and there’s no choice but to accept. 

☆☆☆

you wish sometimes that ellie knew how to take things seriously because she bursts out laughing the minute you tell her you’ve got a date with your shiny new pr boyfriend tomorrow morning.

but it’s the way you aren’t laughing with her that has her sobering up instantly, brows furrowing. 

“a…. pr boyfriend?” she murmurs, leaning back in her chair. ever so casual. the manspread, the arm resting around the back of the chair. her life seems simpler. she’s never had need to worry about this. “why?”

“well, apparently some people online are saying they think there’s something going on between us.”

“there is.”

“i– yes there is, but–” you look away, making a few frustrated gestures with your hands before turning back to ellie. “i told you. there is no royal protocol for a gay princess. people can’t be thinking this.”

“what makes people think there’s something going on?” ellie asks, raising an eyebrow. “it’s not like we go out kissing and fucking in public.”

if only she could take something seriously for once, this conversation would be easier to have.

“well apparently we’re just… i don’t know. i saw people saying it’s because you’re too handsy or whatever and i guess because you’re publicly out it just… makes people think things.”

“aw, well… that’s not your fault if people think that. rumours happen all the time, shouldn’t your family be used to this?”

“the rumours aren’t usually like this though,” you reply, legs bouncing, hands clasped together. “we’re big news, you know, and something like being gay is a huge controversy, it’s not like we can control how people will react. it– it could damage my reputation.”

ellie looks all but empathetic. if anything she’s blank. she doesn’t get it. “it’s not that bad. your sex life shouldn’t concern people.”

“but it does, that’s the thing,” you insist. “and as first in line, too. it’s not even clear if non-biological children would be accepted as an heir. there would be much discussion about if i could have children and what would happen there. and the people who are just blatantly homophobic would have a lot to say about my family. there’s no way of knowing what people will do.”

“okay, well,” ellie looks away for a moment. she doesn’t get it. she didn’t even have to come out– she had her first girlfriend as a teen and that was that. nobody had cared, and with her father’s liberal government nobody had much to say. “i have to sit and watch this weirdo who wants fifteen seconds of fame take you on the dates i want to take you on?”

you feel like banging your head into the wall. to tell the truth that would solve all your problems. no pr boyfriend, no more not being understood, no more having to hide yourself. “it will only be a few dates probably. just to cool things off, you know? you and i can still hang out too.”

“i still think this is bullshit,” ellie grunts, waving her hand. “so what, even if you don’t want to, you still have to?”

ellie observes you, your lips pursed into a thin line as you look around, staying silent. she moves, rising to her feet and holding out a hand.

“i’m mad for you, baby,” she murmurs. “come here.”

☆☆☆

worst day ever. ellie’s jealous. and so you were late to your first public date with the new boyfriend– she had insisted on kindly picking your dress out and of course having a quick fuck before sending you on your way with a pat on the ass. one disaster. the second disaster was the date itself.

third disaster was currently the public amusement that said disastrous date is arousing. why? the boy tried to kiss you. in public. and so clips are sent viral, of the way he leaned in, and you pushed him so gently with a hand on his chest and an awkward and polite laugh.

and in speaking of laughter, ellie found it as funny as the public did. in fact, she was the one who had shown you it. she spent all afternoon chuckling over the video and when you came back from the date, confused, she handed you her phone. and the sheer look of embarrassment on your face– the furrowed brows, the way your jaw dropped– it was all too funny for ellie. she just about lost it.

but just as humiliating as it can be when the whole world is laughing at you, you could also laugh at yourself. 

only thing is the fourth disaster that had struck.

packing bags, spending one last night with ellie before being ushered home earlier than planned. see, with a date that was supposed to silence any rumour of your sexuality, rejecting the boy’s kiss is not the right move. now if anything those rumours had grown in absurdity and in popularity.

so your parents made the decision to leave the united states, head back to the palace, before any more speculation could be made. oh, and of course the boy was going to be sticking around longer, too.

tags: @dinasvampgfpgf @fadedin2uu @eurewilii @diddiqueen @machetegirl109 @craz1er4youu @divinediorss @onlinelesbo @thecowardwrites

#⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ fanfic #ellie williams x fem reader #tlou2 x reader #fem reader #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x yn #ellie x you #ellie x yn #ellie x reader #ellie x fem reader

[heretherebedork]

Hi, just wanted comment on your last last twilight post. Hope it’s ok.

I totally agree with a lot of things you been saying about the last episode and am mostly on the same page, I just think you are a bit to harsh on Day. And I wanna say that my opinion totally depends on what happens next episode.

But I think it’s only human to overreact sometimes when one is hurt. Mhok never mentioned his worries and his troubles to Day, so it makes sense for him not to know about it. And while I also think the break up is a bit to much of an overreaction and I’m also pretty unhappy how the scene played out in general, I can understand Day being unreasonable in the moment and not being able to see past his own feelings and insecurities. It makes him look like an ass, but when one already feels hurt and angry it’s pretty hard to be rational and take the other parties feelings into account. The thing is that once Day has calmed down he has to realise that he fucked up and go and apologise.

And that why it really depends on how the next episode plays out. I think from a writing standpoint it would totally make sense for Day to go talk thinks out with Mhok, just like he did with August and his father.

It would be a total disservice to his character if that didn’t happen, bc he did it twice before and it showed his growth as a character that he confronted the dad without Mhok having to push him to do it.

But if that doesn’t happen Day would just look like a total dick. It would send the message that August and the father deserve more respect and forgiveness for their actions than Mhok. And that’s just fucked up.

I really hate how Mhok gets punished for being traumatised and I hope Day genuinely apologises for his overreaction and they talk about it. If they decide to take a break after that or have a long distance relationship, it would be fine by me either way. Day should get a chance to support Mhok as well and Mhok shouldn’t need to get over his shit alone.

I’m kinda just writing this bc I see so many people hating on Day for not supporting Mhok, when the show never gave him a chance to do it, bc how could he have known. It’s more a writing problem than it is a problem with Day in my opinion. But yeah the scene was so bad it made my skin crawl.

Anyway sry for this whole ass rant. I really love your metas and writing and I hope you have a lovely day.

I will admit it's a writing problem. It's a huge writing problem.

And, maybe you're right, maybe the finale will open with Day going to talk to Mhok the day after because he came to his sense and realized what Mhok was saying and that this can't be the end and the entire preview was just Aof mocking us like he did in Bad Buddy.

But I just can't trust that.

Look, is there a chance that they will start the episode with Day going to talk to Mhok and all the moments we saw in the preview will be something else entirely and feel different and I'll be thrilled.

But just... what a way to throw so much out at the end of the penultimate episode and in a way that left such a bitter taste in my mouth.

If they had shown Day supporting Mhok at any other point in the show... I would feel better about this. I would feel better about it. But there wasn't. There was nothing. Just Mhok being everything for Day and then Day instantly turning on him and kicking him out?

Actually, one of the bigger problems was how they also handled Day's mom because fuck that noise. How did she go from cutting her son off from the world to suddenly being the one who could ~see his independence~. Fuuuck that noise. That makes me trust it a lot less, honestly. Because they handled that so badly.

I'm just... I want to trust Aof and believe that this will turn into something I can at least accept.

But I just can't trust it.

#last twilight meta #asked and answered #i wish i could believe

[ndeyebaby]

"This Is My Time to Shine!"

So, I'm pretty sure some of you have heard of/seen the trend on TikTok where a bunch of creators talked about the importance of being delusional with your goals. In other words, even when shown negative circumstances, or being told that something was unattainable, these people continued to think "oh I'm going to achieve this no matter what". Sound familiar? If you haven't heard of this trend, I've attached a compilation of these videos here. They can serve as great motivation!

I just realized the other day that I lowkey used their videos to help me with my manifestation journey- um sorry it took so long but I feel like what I did might really be helpful lmao

I know that the word "delusional" isn't the best way to describe manifesting, as the true delusion is letting the 3D affect your 4D, instead of the other way around. Still, I noticed this trend really was just a bunch of success stories from people outside of the LOA circle - just people who realized that changing their mind can really change their world. It was a *HUGE* deal for me when I was still manifesting a lot of my goals. Whenever I felt down or demotivated, or that I had to "start over", I would search up "be delusional" on TikTok for the push I needed to achieve my goals.

I know that most blogs would agree that manifestation is/can be instant in the 3D, but I've never really had that experience. It always really happened when I let go of time and chased the feeling of fulfillment instead of worrying about when it would happen or time crunches (was never really good at those lol.) So you can imagine that there were plenty of times where I would wake up and still see my undesirable circumstances. I won't lie and say I didn't feel disappointed cuz girl I was definitely having mental breakdowns, recording voice messages of me crying, writing in my diary and all that like girl that shit was trifling. But the mindset that helped me in the end was "this is my time to shine!"

What do I mean by that exactly? Well, in my mind, I would already live in the end, and whenever I was faced with shit in the 3D that would otherwise set me off, I would laugh it off and say "THIS IS MY TIME TO SHINE!" 'Shine' meaning to be like the protagonist of my own story and being just like those TikTokers who manifested their dream lives - by being delusional even in the face of hardships. I no longer fell asleep worrying that even if I did my technique I would fail.

I no longer felt unhappy when looking at the 3D and seeing my broke ass bank account or looked in the mirror and seeing my old body/damaged hair/dead skin.

I seriously felt like the hero of my own inspirational story, because I technically was lol. And look where I am now!!! I'm still a bit hesitant to share details of my life because I want this blog to serve as a message for all of you to receive and to be of guidance, but I'm definitely living the way I want to, after a lifetime of being bullied, told I couldn't do certain things, felt like I wasn't enough. Maybe I'll share the deets another day but .... ;)))))

If I can do it, you certainly can. Believe me, I was that girl who believed you need to meditate on one foot while drinking a gallon of water and I was that person who was like "omg it's homophobic that the universe won't let me shift like ????? that was ghetto

#neville goddard #law of assumption #manifest #be delusional #success story

[bittersweetresilience]

sunny's favorite fanfiction

By no means a complete list of what I've read and loved, but these are some of the fics I have found the most memorable, captivating, and influential to me. Mostly oneshots. Mostly dark. Mind the Sunny.

clear blood

Prince_Enby (OMORI, 2,674 words)

Hero took a little too long.

I am pretty sure this fic rewired all of my neurons. I wrote a sequel to it. I wrote multiple sequels to it, though only one published. I think about it all the time. I have absorbed it into my body and my writing. The slow build, the foregone conclusion, the denial, the interspersing of memory, even the summary and author's note Altered™ me. This is my all time favorite fic, and from my all time favorite video game.

Each That We Lose Takes Part of Us

aceofbasedesires (The Untamed, 12,652 words)

“Wake up,” he says to his body, alarm making him itch. There’s no response. He says it louder, and then yells it, trying to drift forward. He can’t move. He’s curled over his own body, staring down at it, without being able to do anything. From inside Burial Mounds, Wei Ying’s mind reaches out to those he’s left behind.

Exquisite sadness indeed. I wrote a sequel to this one as well. I love fics that haunt me. I love fics that make me feel like a ghost. I love unhappy endings. I love this part of the show. I love hurt people hurting people. I love inevitability. I love tragedy.

tarnishing

ruthwrites (Mob Psycho 100, 21,147 words)

Reigen realizes that he never gave the man his name. He knew it, anyway— as well as the slogan for Reigen’s whole business. There must be some sort of reason for it. Maybe they’ve met before. As Reigen walks, he becomes more and more certain— he’s seen the man before.

There is nothing I appreciate more than a well done piece of horror. So insidious, so creeping, so everywhere. Lingering. A work of art and a model for manipulative relationships and gaslighting. The final scene with the rope has a full body grip on me.

Cold Water

messageredacted (Homestuck, 6,551 words)

You’re barely finished with your ascension to god tier when they drag you off your quest bed.

Iconic fic forever. I have reread this fic and its remix an unknown number of times over the years. Made for me.

The Decline

EzraBlake (John Dies at the End, 5,284 words)

I'd never heard him make a sound like that. It was almost inhuman coming from John – John, who once drank an entire bottle of tabasco sauce and then got it all over the bathroom because he was laughing hysterically while he vomited. John, who fucked up an alternate dimension by aiming an uncontrollably shitting dog like a rocket launcher. John whimpered.

This fic is so intensely, faultlessly in the spirit of the books, which I adore, that it makes me want to blow up my house with grenades.

power & control

instead (Miraculous Ladybug, 1,404 words)

“Was he always like that?” Félix asks on a ride home from school. She glances to her left: in the passenger seat, he smooths out his uniform, clenching and unclenching his hands into fists. “When you first got married.”

I write the most about Félix and Amélie, and this is the best depiction of them I have ever seen. I call Amélie my queen of England constantly.

This Time I'm Coming Down

telm_393 (The Good Place, 3,585 words)

Jason makes a lot of decisions he might regret.

I had a really hard time deciding between this and Some Things You Can't Touch. True to the characters in a way that makes me want to bite things and scream.

like the sheep

zehecatl (Night in the Woods, 1,564 words)

Sometimes, reality mixes in with memories, and so there's Angus, right across the median.

I am pretty sure it's still sad, but it's a tender sort of sad, like Angus loves him so much it's a sad thing osmosed into my entire personality. Dreams. Gore. Bleeding.

runner ups

The Arowana

chesslyfe5eva (Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc, 6,486 words)

"Thank you, father. I've always wanted to look like a third-rate Yakuza lieutenant." "You're welcome. It's a beautiful creature. Kind and self-sacrificing. If anyone in its household were to die, it gives its life and dies in their stead." When Kiyotaka is born, his grandfather gifts the new parents a baby arowana.

Writing about side characters who are almost original characters in relation to a minor detail in the franchise, love of my life. It is so well made.

Terrycloth Mother

rowdymouse (Mother 2: EarthBound, 4,325 words)

Tony's faced with a hard task: providing Jeff all the love he never got and desperately needs.

This actually spoke to my core. It has a very particular feeling shared by The Arowana. Second person perspective never misses.

Until the Walls Break Like Waves

attackfish (Avatar: The Last Airbender, 21,095 words)

It was just before the winter solstice when Earth Kingdom soldiers captured the prince of the Fire Nation and his uncle, the Dragon of the West. It was the dead of winter when they were brought to Ba Sing Se.

I feel like I have to include such a powerful and iconic fic. Good thing this exists.

ten thousand grit

besselfcn (Hunter × Hunter, 1,310 words)

Killua isn’t anything. Killua is a sharpened blade. Killua is the teeth and fillings left behind when a body burns to ash. So what’s another whetstone? What’s another funeral pyre?

Since I read this, what’s another whetstone? What’s another funeral pyre? has not left my brain.

special mentions

running in the shadow

wackus_bonkus (Miraculous Ladybug, 3,062 words)

Félix doesn’t miss the soul bond between him and Adrien until it’s gone.

How could I not award this masterpiece? I love nonlinear narratives and vignette style fics. Especially when they are written by my friend and for me. This is worth the world and deserves everything.

The Homestuck Epilogues

Andrew Hussie, Cephied_Variable, ctset (Homestuck, 190,398 words)

Ten years after their adventure began, the heroes are enjoying a well-earned retirement on Earth C. But John still has one last choice to make.

Can I count this? I'm counting this. This inspired my love for metafiction and shaped me as a person. Narratives, futility, meaning, characters getting worse. I've never seen a more creative usage of visual elements in fanfiction. I devour experimental media.

#GOD I LOVE UNHAPPY OR AMBIGUOUS ENDINGS #it's overwhelming how many fics i didn't include HJSHHJSHSFKJDSK #my almost 6000 bookmarks on ao3... #looking at this lineup is interesting to me #because i read and enjoy whump the most but it seems #a great number of the fics that actually stick with me and weave their way into my body are the experimental ones the horror ones #the ones that make me do or feel or think something new and interesting #i hope my fics can be that for somebody... #🌃

[bootlegfrank]

This a remake of something I posted on my old blog. On July 8th 2023 Bob tweeted;

Since the original image attached is quite long and pixelated, I transcribed it- exactly as he wrote it. He says that he regrets things he's said in the past, talks about where he is at now, and sends a message out to past friends. You can find the full message text underneath the cut. Warning for talk about suicide and internet hate.

[Tweet] bob bryar @/bobbryar: i really shouldn't post this but, as you know, i make some bad decisions. i think if you click it you should be able to read the whole thing. sorry it's kind of long. ❤️-bc

[Image] hi friends,

i'm going to go out on a super long limb and be the most honest i've ever been in my life. probably too honest. i was going to write something like this only to my close friends but i just decided fuck it, i'll write to everyone, whoever wants to read it can read it. i have nothing to hide. nothing to lose.

nobody knows i'm doing this and it's all me by myself. it will probably be a jumbled mess because i'm obviously feeling like shit, but i hope it will make sense. i have nothing that i'm trying to promote. i have nothing that i'm trying to sell, i'm just trying to get better, clear some things up, and keep going. i'm an extremely private person now so it makes no sense at all for me to do this, and it's way out of my comfort zone, but i'm tired of people dying. i will probably regret this but...... fuck it, way too many friends are now gone and i'm exhausted so here we go.

i've spent years hiding from everyone because i receive so much hate that i don't know how to deal with, and i know i probably deserve it. somehow, no matter how much i hide, i still get messages, phone calls, texts, and even letters in my mailbox. a lot of them are very nice and they make me smile, but most are pretty much telling me to die. some literally just say "DIE" and that's it. LOL. i really don't understand why anyone even cares or takes the time to find me but here we are.

i am way too old for this shit so i've put on a tough guy stone face and pretended like nothing ever bothered me. but when i'm alone i just sit and stare at the wall and think about how things went so wrong. how i had so many friends and now have so few, and now i lost the life that i really enjoyed and worked so hard for. honestly, i've become a pretty lonely and unhappy dude.

i feel very lucky and fortunate so i've worked extra hard to help people and animals that needed a hand without ever bragging or asking for anything in return. even after trying so hard to be the best person that i could possibly be i still feel like an extremely hated dude and i'm not really sure why. when i moved into my hole in the woods most people just forgot about me and didn't care, or never cared anyways, but the people that still come after me are too much to handle.

a while ago i made the decision to give away everything that i owned, give away all of my money, spend some time with the few friends that i had left, wipe my phone, stop talking or replying to everyone so they wouldn't care, and then end it. peace out. i even had the note, the rope (ratchet strap for moving the motorcycles) and location (my garage) ready to go. i felt like that was the only option for me. i felt like i had lived my life and it was time for me to go. i had lost my girl of 13 years that i really needed and relied on, lost all of my pets that were like my kids, had multiple friends die or just disappear, and lost every part of the music industry that i grew up in and lived 24/7. it seemed like everyone in that world magically disappeared when i wasn't getting them gigs, making them money, or getting them into events for free anymore. i had my wrist surgically rebuilt twice to be able to play instruments again but by the time my hand worked i was too old to start over, everything was gone, luckily for me, at the last moment i realized that wasn't the solution. i realized that i couldn't put my mom, my dogs, and the few friends i had left through something like that. i don't think anyone else would have cared to be honest.

i was in a really bad spot but i really didn't, and don't want to die. i was just an angry and lost dude. i lost all trust in people. i still only trust a couple people now and i'll probably be this way for the rest of my life. i also had no idea that i came off as such a jerk all the time. i never meant to. i only just realized it recently when i hit bottom and people got real with me. i really had no idea. other than my fake tough guy attitude i always thought i was a really good person that did good things for the world.

in the past i've made some dumb comments that were either admittedly wrong or were very misinterpreted. i've learned a lot since then and i'm sorry. i really am sorry. maybe i can have the opportunity to address those comments, or anything else, to clear the air and maybe feel happy again. maybe we can be friends again. maybe we can even help someone else that is feeling shitty or alone at the same time.

i'm now mentally healthy (still physically a potato), humbled, and ready to move forward. i want to reconnect with friends, catch up with the rest of the world that i avoided for so long, and remember the experiences (good and bad) that i've blocked out. it's super weird for me at this point but i want to talk more. maybe something on an app. i don't know what everyone uses now. remember, it's been a while and i'm an old man now. i've never gone on a live camera app to talk so i'm not sure which one is the best or how to use any of them. i messed around with instagram the other day when i was trying to play a game and i think i got it figured out for the most part. i dont especially want to be seen because i'm a fat old man now, and i hate being on camera, but i think it's the best way to be real. i have the username "bobbryar" on every app that i'm aware of except instagram. the instagram username is "bcbryar" because someone took my name for some reason. btw, i'd like to have that back if anyone knows how.

i'm probably opening the door for a refueled barrage of embarrassment, but this is my last try to make things fun and live a happy life again. so fuck it again. if this turns out horribly i will just go back to my hole and not try again. i promise.

i know most of you are thinking 'waaah, fuck you, i don't care, nobody likes you anymore, you're old, just go away, etc'. i've heard it all and i understand. but for the people who want to talk, let's do it and hopefully be friends again. i've been thinking about this for a while now.

maybe this is dumb. probably. i don't know. but if you are down i will hang out as long as you want. if it goes well maybe we can talk more often. maybe it might be fun. it's definitely time to have some motherfucking fun again.

i already know that i'm going to get super extra roasted for writing this but oh well. don't care.

anyways... let me know if you are down. i'd really like to have my friends back in my life again. i really miss my friends a lot.

i'm heading back over to the DCI competition now and i'm late. i miss that a lot too. maybe i'll see you there, come hang out and have some fun.

i hope to talk very soon.

❤️ -bc.

[Reply to the tweet] bob bryar @/bobbryar: you can save it as a picture and then see the whole thing. thanks for the help jordan. 🙂

#i watched one of his live streams on instagram- he played fortnite with pink floyd's the dark side of the moon playing in the background #idk ive been wanting to have this on my blog again for a while and since im in my bob feelings here we go #im not commenting on the value of his words here in this post. just sharing it #bob bryar #mcr #twitter

[gren-aade]

It’s 3 fucking am in the morning last night and I wondered about songs of war plot in my head about how why there are no fucking civil war in ardonia when Rendor stepped down as a supreme king of ardonia. Like that shit happened every time in a normal political gap when absent of absolute ruler create power vacuumed. And also how other species reacted to this especially the ardoni. Do they always under ender knight controlled? They seem to have rule over themselves but what about their interactions with other species? Also the nether should attacked after enderknight disappeard right? Then how other kingdoms govern themselves. Do they have a group of senate? Or there are king of their owns. Why tf can’t we have the first Great War as a main story it’s 10x more interesting than the entire canon ender arc god damn it-

also long time no see gren. I love you

-old songs of war fan, currently rookie writer.

Hey there! Sorry for replying so late! School's been bothering me lately. I'll try my best to answer your questions, apologies in advance for any lore-related errors :D

"why there are no fucking civil war in ardonia when Rendor stepped down as a supreme king of ardonia"

Yeah, I do agree with your first question. How did the kingdoms not fall into civil war when their people rebelled against the End Monarchy? Wouldn't the power vacuum presented be literally ripe for the taking???

Btw If there was a Civil War then the Nether would've exploited this instability and attacked the Overworld sooner hgdsfgdshjs. A civil war that ended right before the Nether invasion could also explain the kingdoms' ill-preparedness

"how other species reacted to this especially the ardoni"

I don't know much about SoW lore except Ardoni lore so I'll answer the Ardoni part.

The Ardoni probably remained more or less the same due to the End's loose grip on them. I'd like to imagine that the End Monarchy probably let the Ardoni do their own thing so the Ardoni aren't displeased with their dictators. With the Ardoni being one of the oldest and most important inhabitants of Ardonia (given that the entire continent was named after them), losing the Ardoni's favour would mean losing the political legitimacy of ruling over Ardonia, given that the Ender Monarchs are humans iirc.

Moreover, as the Ardoni do possess Songs, which are extremely dangerous and versatile magic powers, an Ardoni rebellion would be extremely hard to quell. That's why I think the End Monarchs would be more lax to the Ardoni compared to the humans.

It seems like the people rebelled, in the end, so I guess the Ardoni were unhappy with their Ender dictator.

Are they always under Enderknight Control?

In the production files, a rough timeline of the plot is found, which puts the event of End vs Nether before the beginning of Ardoni civilization. I don't know if that's related to the Overworld? The question of when did the End began to rule over the Overworld remains unanswered.

The rest of the questions require a lot of brainpower to answer so I'll just answer the final one since it's the least demanding XD Maybe another day I'll take on those political questions you raised :')

Why tf can't we have the first great war as a main story it's 10x more interesting than the entire canon Ender Arc god damn it-

Soooo trueee!!! The First Great War had vibrant, legendary characters like Achillean, Ingressus, Galleous, Thalleous, Vulcannus, Pythus, Chronos, Rendor etc.... While our MC Senn's just... Here? (No offense he still has his struggles and an arc). Heck even Abbigail's more interesting! I wish we got to see more pre- and during First Great War content TwT

My final comment on SoW:

That's it for tonight! Hope we can get to chat again Anon! (Hopefully I can get to know who you are so I can reciprocate your feelings XDD) I wish you good luck with your writing endeavours ;)

#songs of war #gren's sow rambling

[jeanharlowseyebrows]

twenty questions for fic writers

tagged by @raylangivins, thank you!!! i've never done one of these and it was fun to think about.

How many works do you have on ao3? so i've actually had like. a lot of ao3 accounts. some of which are still around and some that i have sent on to greener pastures. my 1d fic is #gone but not forgotten <3. for simplicity's sake i'm just going to do my current ao3 account even though all of the works on it are very Indie and Niche and therefore not super widely read. all that being said: 9.

What’s your total ao3 word count? 38,034

What fandoms do you write for? i'm not really like a super single fandom driven writer, if that makes sense. i don't tend to write and write and write continuously for the same fandom. like traditionally i will have one (1) idea per fandom and once it happens then it's done. i've written more yellowjackets fic than any other fandom, but i think that's because there are so many characters and i can muster one fucked up little scenario for each of them. also there are far more fandoms represented in my google docs than what i've published on ao3.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos? well. taking into consideration that i don’t really have many kudos on any of my stories (again. niche. indie.), these are the top 5:

something holy (the borgias) soft as cotton, tender as kiss (the haunting of hill house) at every mouth his teeth a sinner champ’d (yellowjackets) princess diana (yellowjackets) the scaffolding of the human body (yellowjackets)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i always try to! for one, i don't really get that many, so it's easy to reply, and i do really like talking about writing and hearing what people liked, what they didn't like, etc. one of my favorite things to do as a reader is to leave long as shit wordy ass comments on stories i've really enjoyed and i really enjoy when people do that for my stories too. it's just cool to hear what stood out to someone, what they really enjoyed, what they felt. it's rewarding to get feedback and i don't want someone to feel like they've left me a comment and i've ignored them.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? ummmmmmm i would say most of them lean towards angsty/bittersweet? love with claws and teeth (yellowjackets) is probably the most angsty lol sorry taissa turner </3

What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? again none of them are really… like… overjoyed. one might be tricked by something holy but in my mind, what lurks around the corner for them is Not Good and therefore the ending is not necessarily NOT happy but that's only because they haven't gotten to the unhappiness yet.

Do you get hate on fics? i haven’t yet but it would certainly be intriguing interesting and compelling if i did.

Do you write smut? rarely. like i try but it’s not my strong suit so i don't do it very often. also i wouldn't say the majority of my fic like. needs it? i'm not typically writing the kind of fic where one might expect explicit sex.

Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? i write crossovers in my mind and nowhere else. actually i did publish a crossover as a kid on ff dot net and it was stand by me/the outsiders and i specifically remember a scene taking place in a junkyard and people jumping off the tops of junked cars. so obviously it was very normal and good.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? i don’t think so but who knows. the internet is a vast place.

Have you ever had a fic translated? i don’t think so! but it would be fun if i did!

Have you ever co-written a fic before? not really, i don't think i would be very good at it. i am far too attached to the sound of my own voice and also i'm bossy and particular

What’s your all-time favorite ship? this is just too difficult of a question. i've read sooooooooo many ships across soooooooooo many fandoms. like i'll literally read anything i'm not picky. probably my most frequently read ships are like the big standards - deancas, stevebucky, etc. - but that's just because they're very available.

What’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? realistically most of them. i finish maaaaaaaaybe 10% of the things I start.

What are your writing strengths? i really enjoy my own close third person narration lmao. also i think i’m good at like taking little details and creating a scene. otherwise known as imagery (#writing)

What are your writing weaknesses? cannot for the life of me come up with a plot ever

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? it's not something that's necessarily come up for me but if i did it, i would want to know someone who spoke whatever language it was who could help me make it seem very natural and well-placed. i would be extremely reluctant to try like a google translate type thing.

First fandom you wrote for? 1986 classic stand by me, which i just went to my old fanfic dot net account to double check. published in 2006 lmfao

Favorite fic you’ve written? i don’t know if it’s my favorite but i think devotional was kind of a departure for me and maybe stands out for that reason. i still really like the writing style. it’s more sparse than i usually tend towards and also written in present tense, which isn't usual for me. i just think it’s kind of evocative and lyrical and nice and it'd be fun if more people read it lmao

tagging @elliecreed @haniawritesthings @chasingfictions @r-osehips

#writing #sorry if anyone i tagged already did this and also sorry if it's weird to tag when we don't really talk....... #i just wanted to tag people who i know write! #these tagging games are like a specific tumblr brand of anxiety. What Is The Etiquette

[totheidiot]

intro post :)))

i didn't have one for the longest time but i am trying to organize my blog so here is one !! name is arian. pronouns are he/him. arospec sex-averse asexual. minor but i guess i do interact with nsfw posts like sex jokes and read the fanfiction. i love love writing and you WILL know by my posts. i draw sometimes too but only a few select people are allowed to see (few select meaning like One mutual).

fandoms !

stranger things - all posts tagged under #the monster show that got really popular - don't exactly post so much about it? you might see this tag only when i might be engaging with my st mutuals or when i post a fanfiction update

the magnus archives - all posts tagged under #rusty quill presents: this man has too many eyes. - a tag you shall see very often !! have not begun s5 (will touch that probably, next month?) but got hugely spoilered for it.

the magnus protocol - all posts tagged under #rusty quill presents: the lack of eyes is causing me unease. - i am in the place with most of the fandom ! waiting for the next episode that is.

the goldfinch - all posts tagged under #the gay bird book - you will probably never see it now, still worth checking out my old posts? i don't even remember if they were good or not.

tags !

#🍂 arian's shit : all text post that i wrote myself ! every post i didn't reblog, all of that !! even some reblogs are tagged with this if i add a lot of my own thoughts to another post.

#🪐 arian's asks : my replies to asks i get :) anons are tagged with #those who have no name and the hate anons are tagged with #those who deserve no name i only got one hate anon even that was in my old blog but it's best to be prepared ! if it's not an anon ask, i will tag it with the asker's username or if they are mutual, they get a special tag !

#📷 arian's friends <33 : all the interaction with my mutuals and friends <3

#📝 arian writes fanfiction : pretty self explanatory !! all the times i mention my fanfiction !

☁ arian's very complicated and strange dreams : a very miscellaneous tag ! basically talking about my dreams

#🌌 arian contemplates his universe : textposts written by me that are not really connected to a specific fandom. posts might get a bit personal/random/vent-y

fanfiction !

the goldfinch

things we don't talk about . : xandra hears strange, loud and suspicious noises from theo’s bedroom. upon closer inspection, she discovers that boris is staying the night. the next morning, she confronts them about it. 1/1 , tw references to alcohol, implications of underage sex, internalized homophobia. not my best work at all, but you can read this one !!

six of crows

a fool's game : modern era hs au where the crows are hired by their principal van eck to steal the rival school fjerda high's mascot before the games. 6/? abandoned. tws of six of crows really. don't read this one, abandoned and i don't know how to even feel about this.

stranger things

i got your letter (hope you feel better than i do) : will gets sent a series of anonymous love letters in his locker. mike's been awfully quiet about this. 2/2, tw internalized homophobia. i don't really like this one but it's been very well-received so you can give this shot if you !

your apparition passes through me : that's the masterpost, everything you need to know :)) DO read this one, this is still very much ongoing <3

we both matter (don't we?) : mike asks max if she could go to California with him on spring break. that sounds like a bad idea, but she goes for it. el is unhappy in lenora; she is not in love with one of her first friends, but she is painfully in love with the certain red-haired skateboarder girl, who makes her laugh. 1/2 i have no idea if there will be a continuation? this was really good in my opinion, kind of sucks that it didn't get any love :((

upcoming !

stranger things

two byler fanfiction, both coincidentally i'll be co-writing with mutuals :). one of them is a eeaao au, written with @qulizalfos and the other is very longfic, slightly crack fic written with @iamtheoneandonlyever that documents mike and will's life from college, all the way to their fifties.

the magnus archives

আমি তো চক্ষুর বস্ত্র ধরে / দেখতে পাই অতীত, ভবিষ্যত, পৃথিবীর অধ্যাত্ম। : a character study of jonathan sims, before being the Archivist. all written entirely in bangla, bangladeshi!jon obviously, a focus on his language, his grandmother and his culture. only like two people in the fandom probably can read this.

#🍂 arian's shit

[callmearcturus]

God I miss when Homestuck was relatively new and nobody had a real idea of the "ships" yet. People were writing really cool ass fanfics and pulling the craziest shit out of their asses it was a creative time to be alive.

I bring this up occasionally and people have relatively said "Davekat is canon" or whatever but like okay your right but this is fanfiction you can do whatever the fuck you want god forbid Dave and Karkat don't kiss.

I adore pet stuck in all it's many weird forms. It blew the fuck up. From aquariumstuck to Ugly free unwanted troll.

I am not dissing DaveKat. I am not dissing Dirkjake or Rosemary but I am saying most pick when writing anything anymore pick the 'safest option' to build upon.

Remember when sad stuck was super big and the pieces that were written could have actual emotional consequences or unhappy endings. I love a cheesy happy go lucky story as much as the rest of the world but it's fucking refreshing to see shit not work out and people paying steep prices for their actions.

Maybe it's just me but fuck I keep seeing the same shit. I miss it when people went nuts and tried things.

..... did you mean to send this to someone else or

No, I don't remember when sadstuck was a thing, I started reading HS the day it ended. I've never read the fics you're referencing. I'm kind of in my corner doing my own thing, which I will note includes a lot of davekat and dirkjake and rosemary, so i don't know what to tell you.

Except that in my experience, the only way to get people to do more content that you want is to encourage it. Look at me, hyping Spooky Jake Autumn. I'm not going "aw man it sucks how ppl usually write jake, i want them to do it the way I want" both because uh I dunno how ppl usually write Jake but mainly because I know encouragement and enthusiasm is how you get more fun content.

Which, I say about me cheering on other people, but is very true of me. I would not write these bonkers 50K-200K stories without people encouraging me and being enthusiastic.

IDK anon, maybe take this up with someone who knows what you're talking about. Public complaining has never once produced new art or fic. When I gotta vent about shit, I keep that fucking private.

Also like. I'm trying not to take offense at any of this bc you seem really in your feelings, but hey, fuck you for "safest option." It's the thing I wanna fucking write.

Also also, sorry. Coming to me about people not going nuts and trying things. Dude. What. Hi? I'm Arc? /baffled

#Anonymous #like dude what #this is very uncool #take it to your discord DMs

[dreadnotau]

This is probably not the post any of you wanted to see.

Before anyone panics, NO, Dread Not is NOT cancelled, and NO, I have NOT given up on it. It’s just being put on another hiatus, though I’m not sure how long this one will last.

TL;DR - when your “passion project” feels less fulfilling as an art activity than your college assignments do, you’re doing something wrong.

As some of you may know one person alone has been working on the art and management of the Dread Not accounts, the server, and most importantly the comic itself. That unlucky fucker is me. Managing it all used to be a lot more exciting, I guess, but nowadays it’s become a looming deadline and a chore. By purely my own fault, might I add. I’ve boxed myself into a lot of arbitrary things and now making this comic isn’t nearly as fun as it used to be, hooray. Coupled with the fact that meowchela, the co-creator of the au, the one who helps write it and spellcheck it (even if neither of us are good at it), and also my moral support and the only reason I started posting the comic in the first place, hasn’t even been into deltarune for the past half year. It all stacks up to a very tired and unhappy Kooki.

Now, most of you don’t give a shit about this melodrama, and that’s valid. You’re here to see my drawings of cute monsters in distress going through several kinds of midlife crises, and also baby Kris, and that’s good because that’s what I want out of this comic too. But right now? I am NOT in the mental state to be meeting my own arbitrary deadlines for a comic a lot of people don’t directly engage with. This isn’t to say that any of you are obligated to care, or reblog or like or whatever. It’s just the way the internet works. It’s extremely hard to engage in a productive or proactive way, and I think that’s why I have more fun with my art college assignments, nowadays. Because the art, whether it be good or bad and no matter the technique, immediately gets feedback both from my professors AND my colleagues!

Some of you who aren’t as involved in art making might not know that negative feedback is some of the most valuable feedback an artist can get back (when it’s given in good faith, of course), and as Dread Not as an art project was set up specifically to help me improve my art, it’s kind of a shame I haven’t been getting a lot of negative feedback from people unless I ask directly. It’s like the internet actually took the idea of “if you don’t like it don’t look at it” to heart, which is great! But not for me and this comic, sadly. Going forward (aka whenever I have the strength to start uploading weekly again), I might drastically simplify the visuals of the comic, maybe even change some style things because it feels like I’ve really stagnated with the art of the comic.

I talked about this with meowchela recently, I had a very specific style in mind when I first started the sketches for this comic, and when I finished the first page, it wasn’t quite what I wanted it to be. The truth is, I didn’t have the skills to execute the style I wanted for the comic, and to an extent I still don’t, so instead of the tedious and not-quite-what-I-wanted current style, I might just change it up to be completely different and less time consuming, because either way it won’t be what I want. (And, for the record, most of this drivel is about the backgrounds, the text boxes, and aesthetic choices, and not about the character art, because I’m decently happy with that)

And to the dedicated readers, I have to stress that this isn’t the end. Dread not is a story I care about, even if its amateurish and was basically made by accident. I WANT to tell this story, if only because I know a past version of me was yearning to tell it but lacked the bravery to even try (again, meowchela is the only reason this comic exists, and I basically owe her a life for getting me to start upload the ludicrous au idea I had so long ago). The story and comic WILL continue one day, just not soon. Call it an indefinite hiatus if you want, but it’ll come back one day, stronger than ever, and hopefully better organized. I feel a strange mix of melancholy and relief finally putting this beast down for a nap again.

If I may go a little bit into the behind the scenes, my creative process is hardly a coherent process at all, and is mostly a hodgepodge of spur of the moment ideas immediately put to paper without much thought. Days, weeks, months, or years later, I have to face the consequences of those split-second decisions, and that’s the process that’s been the status quo for this comic’s creation. Sometimes it’s good, like a core symbol to the story coming from what was originally a one-off gag (a-la early homestuck), but most of the time its bad, with hours spent reformatting and redrawing sketches in order to actually make it look competent, which just results in a lot more time that I feel I’m wasting because it’s hardly a part of the finished page itself.

All in all, Dread Not is my baby, my first large-scale project, and I’m not going to abandon it because of one really bad burst of art block. I’ve had other projects I’ve been slowly chipping away at (most of them deltarune related as well) that’ll also be put on hiatus too… not that anyone will really notice because I hardly upload them. But there’s also a lot of personal projects and OC stories I’ve been meaning to work on but just couldn’t get in the right frame of mind to, so maybe I’ll finally start work on those while I take a proper vacation from Dread Not. This whole hiatus thing, however, also means I’ll stop responding to messages, both on Tumblr and in the Discord server, as frequently. Some of you may have already noticed my decline in activity on both fronts. This break has been a long time coming, I’ve just been in denial about it.

And finally, thank you all, again, for reading and enjoying this comic. You probably enjoyed it more than I have! And I mean everyone, from the people who only read and don’t interact with any of the posts, to the people who reblog nearly every page that comes out (I see you guys, and I love your tags), all of you kept me going and I wish I had more to give for the support you’ve shown. I’ll take my time off to really put myself in the right place mentally and physically to bring you the best comic I can. And hey, if you stick around long enough, maybe you’ll even see the end of it! I know I will.

Stay tuned!

PS - If anyone wants lore to chew on while the comics on hiatus, have this bit of trivia I’ve been meaning to share: the current events that are unfolding were originally (and technically still are) only the backstory for the plot I wanted to tell from the beginning. It’s why Kris is so young compared to their deltarune self, it’s why a lot of locations are bare-bones and placeholder, it’s why we aren’t seeing many characters involved right now even though a lot of characters have appearances planned. What I’m trying to say is, this is only the beginning, and I’d love to see someone try to predict where things will go from here, because this status quo won’t stay for much longer, that’s for sure :)

#dreadnot #dread not #dread not au #dreadnotau #Not Comic #hiatus 3 #i guess? have i really only done 2 hiatuses before this? #it feels like more but maybe thats my guilt talking #for anyone who doesnt feel like reading my drivel it really IS just some melodrama about my own lack of motivation as of late

[weebsinstash]

Crazy, absolutely insane how the people being replaced by robots thing is starting to actually happen. Writers, artists, translators... Something seen in science fiction media and talked about for ages is becoming a reality is freaking terrifying. Holy shit. I used to brush this type of thing off as some futuristic fiction trope, but the fact the artist AI is already damaging real artists does not feel real. Robot apocalypse might be a possibility. Wild.

Not to sound like a boomer but like yeah basically. ai making concept art, ai music, ai art making nfts, ai writing, actors acting in front of a greenscreen completely alone for their entire movie never even told the context of the scenes or even what movies they're going in, people still arguing that "real jobs" are a thing and advocate for millions being replaced by automation, all the while the excessive environmental damage, the waste, the overproduction, the consumerism, the new release of the exact same shit next year but only minor tweaking so the patent is fresh, price gouging, just

it's hard for me to not be constantly depressed in general, I'm really just constantly getting stoned and using escapism and some probably definitely maladaptive daydreaming to cope. I like to think I've written novels and novels mentally but I guess there's just a persistent air of, hopelessness that I feel isn't just in my life but im my environment and community and just, all of us as a whole that kind of sucks out my motivation from doing anything that takes mild effort.

Like I know I'm kind of jumping from ai art to societal issues/corporate greed but like for example, i reconnected recently with a friend i used to know online like 10 years ago and he basically reached out because, covid was hell and he had some people die and a lot of people are anxious and lonely right now, and we are both those people so, he invited me to come visit. And something that happened to him is that he used to paint and he loved painting and one day at his job, his shithead bastard boss built his own scaffolding to stand on and it collapsed, and a bar swung out and hit my friend in the elbow and gave him permanant nerve damage in his arm and hand and he now has extremely limited use of that limb, period, can no longer paint, even holding his fingers in such a way is painful

It just breaks me. It breaks me how so many of us feel so trapped and unhappy and how when some of us finally achieve some sort of happiness, someone with more power ruins it. Other people just damaging your life, your dreams, gone, and you didn't even do anything, it wasn't even in your control. I dunno. I am a diagnosed doom and gloomer but I guess ever since I was a really young I always felt like people were treated so replaceable and disposable and now I'm an adult and it just kind of chills me that holy shit if I picked up on that as a 1996 baby how hopeless does the current young generation feel. Like I could write paragraphs like some manic crackhead about how worried about shit I am lmao 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

#you may have intended this as more lighthearted but i constsntly see people proudly calling for more automation #it scares me. people already being underpaid being told they should be grateful w shit or be replaced by robots #its pathetic. crabs in a bucket mentality. hatred for art and intellect #i feel like i should add i think there is certain nuances in terms of certain accessibility by the common man but #the corporate greed shit and companies using robots instead of artists is fucked cause thwy can affoed it

[messengerhermes]

How to Change Your Suit

Content Warning: This post discusses coping with suicidal thoughts (also known as suicidal ideation)

I'm gonna speak from experience here. Suicidal Thoughts (ST) show up in my life when I find myself feeling trapped in my life rather than living my life. This started in childhood for me and over time I've learned to recognize these feelings of hopelessness and being stuck as indicators that my metaphorical suit isn't fitting anymore. It is helpful to realize "oh, I don't actually want to burn this suit, but I definitely don't want to wear it as it is anymore," but it's also daunting. After all, I put so much work into that suit, and people in my life have helped me get that suit to how it is, and now I'm saying I don't like it? Who am I to reject a perfectly good suit? And also, where the hell do I even start in changing it? What if I change it and I still hate it? Darlings, your suit is yours. If it does not fit right, if it's scratchy, if it doesn't suit you, you have the right to transform and play with it a hundred times over to find a style that fits. And you don't have to do it all at once. Especially if you're finding yourself in the pit of depression when your bones ache and all the world tastes like ash. As always, take what works from this post and leave what doesn't, but here are some of the guidelines I keep in mind when I start to notice my suit not fitting:

Assess things by categories: What are the parts I am happy with in my suit? What are the parts that bother me, and how do they make me feel? What things are internal (a thing that comes from within me, ie my thoughts, my skills, my emotions)? What things are external (my living situation, support system, job/school, et al)? Make note of things I want to keep and things I want to change.

Start Small: It's a lot easier to swap out the buttons on a suit than replace the lining. Looking at my "stuff I want to change" section, I come up with "fast, medium, slow" changes I can make. For example, if I'm unhappy about my appearance, a fast change is buying myself clippers and cutting my hair how I want, a medium change might be phasing out wardrobe items that I no longer like and introducing new ones, and a slow change might be exploring HRT. Some items may be solved in a single quick fix, some may be slow fixes that you switch up halfway through. The point is to get yourself to think of these things as changeable instead of fixed in stone.

Invite others into the process: I get this is scary as shit and your mileage may vary on this. Others does not have to be your family of origin. It can be friends, it can be found family. If you have access to counseling in some form, whether group or individual, that can be a huge help. It can be looking up online support groups for depression, for an identity you would like community around (parenting, gender, divorce, neurodivergence, et al). Having access to places where you get to share about struggling and wanting to change, and also witness folks sharing about their own paths, helps break down isolation and create spaces for mutual care. You are not in this alone.

Seek out new additions. Sometimes the tricky part about feeling stuck in your suit is feeling something is missing, but you aren't sure what. This is where I start writing down all the shit I've wanted to try and what the barriers are to me trying it. Once I have my list, I repeat steps two and three. For example, I've felt ashamed of envying cosplayers who could make their own costumes for years. I had a sewing machine from childhood, and a couple years ago, I looked up free patterns online, bought some clearance fabric, watched a fuckton of videos, and sewed my first dress. Now sewing is a big part of my creative life. On the flip side, as a teenager, I got curious about bookbinding. So I checked out some resources from the library, looked at some blogs, stitched a couple books from dollar store sketchbook paper and lost interest. But I still enjoyed bookbinding when I was doing it, and it was not a waste to learn it. Explore things where you feel called to, let yourself pick things up and put them down. Engage in community, online and in meatspace.

Create a space of security. This is another tricky one, particularly if you're in an abusive environment or one where you don't have a lot of control. Maybe your safe space is not where you live. Maybe it's a swing at the park. Maybe it's a forgotten corner of the library. Maybe it's a cafe. Maybe it's inside your journal and between a pair of headphones. Maybe it's a playlist. But, whatever sense of security you can build for yourself, prioritize spending time in that space even for just five minutes a day.

My suit has looked so many different ways throughout my life. At times, I've felt like it would never fit right again, or would never be anything other than a joke to other people. And maybe some people would find my suit funny. But my suit belongs to me. I have the right to make it what I wish and to use whatever agency I have to transform it how I please. Everytime I have the urge to burn it, I pause. I consider who stands to benefit from me hating my suit, from me hating myself. I consider what radical power there might be in becoming. I will not throw my suit or myself away. I will remake us, as many times as we need. I hope you snatch your suit from the fire, every time. I hope you keep making something new with it. I'm excited to see what you will do. Again and again and again. I know they'll be brilliant.

#cw depression #cw sui thoughts #cw sui ideation #coping skills #depression skills #therapy #mental health tools #mental health support #mental health awareness #please stay #reinvent yourself

[murphyslawyer]

Stupid rant under the read more, don’t open if you don’t want to read about my feelings. I just needed to write my thoughts down somewhere.

Does that whole “if everyone around you sucks then you need to take a look at yourself” thing really apply to family?

I don’t think everyone in my family is like bad bad but I feel they’ve been complicit with a lot of my f*ther’s abusive behaviour just because it’s their son/brother/wtv. It’s not that they’ve helped him be that way, but they’ve accepted so many of his shit in moments when I was really suffering. And now they can’t accept that I want out, and that it means distancing myself. I don’t hate them (except for my f*ther), but I truly can’t take this anymore and I will go on being pretty damn fucking unhappy if things stay like this.

I’m willing to admit that many of my problems are my fault too. It’s my own fault that I’m reclusive, it isn’t just because I grew up isolated. It’s my own fault that I have very few friends. Maybe I just truly am a bad person and an uninteresting person. I know I’m annoying, I know I often am selfish and arrogant and self-centered. But I still know I don’t deserve this shit. I didn’t deserve to hear my aunt tell me to just get over the most violent thing I ever had to witness (I’m not getting too much into it but it involved a weapon and death threats). I didn’t deserve to hear my grandma tell me that actually my f*ther is my friend because he gives me money (which he’s actually legally obliged to do). I love them but I really hate them. I don’t deserve to be the one doing all the emotional labour. How the hell is therapy even supposed to work for me when I do my part and then go out and still am treated as if I’m worthless and my feelings make no sense?

Today I finally saw my aunt again after not speaking to her for over three months. Last time we yelled at each other and she forced me to talk about something I didn’t want to talk about because she doesn’t like my facial expression when my f*ther is around. Apparently it makes it look like I don’t want to be there. And she’s right, I don’t. And it pisses me off that she’d rather I put on a mask and pretend to be fine when I’m not.

I’m honestly so tired of feeling lonely in all of this, I literally see no point in life. Whoever you are, if you’re reading this please know I’m not suicidal at the moment. I’m not going to do anything, I promise. But I sure feel like shit and I’m so tired of living year after year after year and nothing fucking changes. Where will I be at age 30 or 40? The same place? Lonely? No thanks.

#Johanna speaks #my day was mostly okay btw but seeing my aunt again made me really anxious #it went fine bc I did that whole ‘putting on a mask thing’ again. Except this time my f*ther wasn’t even there. #I just don’t feel comfortable around her anymore

[novelmachine]

Oh hey. Didn't see you there. Don't mind me. I’m just a 🎵28-year-old lady.🎵

Each year on my birthday I write down my goals for the new year or some reflection upon the old one. Well we've done a full rotation around the sun, so it's time to do it again. It feels like this year didn’t happen. As someone who doesn’t have the firmest grasp on time, it felt like both the busiest and shortest year of my life. If I had to describe it in one word, I’d use “intense.” The majority of it was spent working. At the beginning of 2022 it was my new position. At this point it’s just my job. (I'm crushing it, btw.) It’s not so much that I’m not happy with what I’m doing. I’m more unhappy where I’m doing it. I know where I want to be, yet am continuously drained of the drive to get myself there. Ain't that just the way?

I'm not used to having friends or being a part of a community, but I think I've found a solid group of cool people. That's in addition to the friends I've made along the way who allow me to be myself and just chill. There are people I've cut out of my life to a healthy degree and it's lead to far less anxiety. I wish them well as they work on some of the same shit I'm working on, plus their own unique quirks. Generational trauma's a bitch like that. I came out to my mom (albeit by accident during a highly emotional time). Still not sure how to come out to my dad. I want to, now that I'm more certain I won't be hated or shunned. Just need to find the right time. I gave up on the bi/pan discourse. I'm here and you know the rest. (Now that's the actual measure of my growth.)

There are a lot of milestones that people are expected to hit in their teen and young-adult years that I’m just now beginning to experience. Being with someone, knowing they want you and you want them, allowing yourself to be vulnerable and awkwardly taking the plunge. I don't mean for this to sound dramatic or shortsighted, but it was a lifechanging experience. I've been touch starved for a decade. I've been struggling with depression and low self esteem for maybe longer. Those articles and studies weren't lying when they said touch is vital to our human existance. It was like my whole worldview changed. It was casual and safe and full of warmth. I'm happy about it, riding the high to this day.

Though not the stories I had planned, I did write a significant amount. Theories and analysis seem to come easier. The aforementioned draining of my drive feels like an excuse at this point. Planning comes easy. Analyzing and thinking about the thing being made is even easier. Typing a sentence is like pulling teeth, slow and excruciating. Despite this, I completed one short story based on a writing prompt. Just one. Normally I'd call that a failure, but it's not. It's more than I've done in a long time. Sure it's short, and yes it's mushy, but it's there. The world didn't explode. People aren't pointing fingers and name-calling. I clicked the publish button, allowing my work to live on the internet, and the world kept spinning. I need to remember that, and do it again this year.

#birthday #happy birthday to me #hannah speaks

[ephemeral-afterlight]

quite whack of me to let myself be perceived online but scrolling through roughly 3 years-ish worth of some of my greatest hits has led me to a few realizations

me from 2-3 years ago was a dramatic fuck and cannot be held accountable for any crimes against cringe law committed during a time of high emotional vulnerability and also god complex

it seems like half of the badass people i used to be friends with here have deactivated and are lost in the wind and i am fucking devastated. where did kitkatz go. where is jelly. why can i not be confident enough to slide in the dms of the cool people who ARE still here

when i wasn't taking absolutely every fucking thing to heart and then spewing out emotionally-charged drivel like a perpetually online little bitch, some of my written analyses slapped. they were actually so articulate and coherent. unlike anything else i say ever

holy shit i am so glad i got off tumblr when i did because otherwise i might still be here now, unhappy as fuck, supporting purity culture 🤢 the amount of times i decided to make anti-remrom posts instead of caring about my mental wellbeing and dealing with my trauma in a healthy way is genuinely kinda hilarious looking back at it now. Weewooweewooweewoo I am going to cry on the internet to people who write fanfic about figments of imagination. Weewooweewooweewoo I am so morally superior because I echo all the rhetoric that my friends do and am scared to dissent. like shut the fuck up and try touching grass for once bestie 🥰 ur depressed and have no sense of self so u steal ur opinions from the nearest person who will give you attention, ur not special, get over urself

bro i am so much sexier now than i ever was when i was on here wallowing in negativity for hours at a time and that is a scientific fact

i do remember my interactions with my friends here extremely fondly but in general this fandom was an actual shitshow for a very long time and altho i can't speak to how it is recently, i refuse to make excuses for the absolute nightmare that was ts sides tumblr from clbg to svs era. reading through old debates and all the times i got pissed about tagging only speaks to that

loving note to my past self: tagging is very important in ways that i could go into a lot more coherently another time but it does not warrant all caps screaming and crying and pissing and shitting. calm down for once and turn your phone off

i am so "problematic" now according to past me's standards and i take pride in that actually. dark fiction fucking rocks and "problematic" writers have been some of the coolest, smartest, kindest people i've ever met. i think jasper circa 2019 would have keeled over if he knew i'd be saying this eventually, but—barring a few very specific examples, you can separate fiction from reality, actually, and Mr. 25-Follower-Tumblr-Nobody's remrom fanfiction will never have the real-life influence and power that ACTUAL propaganda in mainstream media has. the character growth from delusion to enlightenment on my part was absolutely legendary, pure poetry

man in general i'm so glad limiting my time on this account helped prompt me to grow up a little more. i've been an adult, but getting away from here and into healthier spaces in turn gave me healthier outlooks on life and made me realize that acceptance from self-righteous randos on the internet is absolutely not worth limiting my own creativity and destroying my mental health + confidence over it

past me predicted like the entirety of the pof video and i cannot believe i never fucking talked about it like WHAT that shit is crazy did y'all see that???? i recited some of the EXACT points and situations they brought up in that video i cannot stop thinking about this

anyway sexies i still don't intend to be active in this fandom because i just,. man i don't fixate on it anymore. i still appreciate the posts and will stay up-to-date on all the vids but i think for now i'm staying checked out of the ts sides fandom.

if anyone even sees this (especially if we were friends before!) and u have any desire to reconnect with me i am so down! current biggest interests are kpop (as always), mcyt, and mcu, but i've been in so many goddamn fandoms over my two decades of life that you could talk to me about most things and i'd be able to contribute something.

i actually fully expect this post to lose me followers bc my stance on purity culture has changed so drastically, but i actually think it will be incredibly funny more than anything. if u want a more in-depth explanation on my thoughts, motivations, and moral standings, you can always shoot me a message :*

#i'm not gonna do the main tags bc idk that this is particularly relevant enough #fandom criticism #jasper's rambles #purity culture criticism #remrom mentions #idk what else to tag #ask to tag #I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TUMBLR WORKS LMAO