#and had major delusions and paranoia | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

loukaiitis · 11 months

Text

Kip Kinkel: Thurston High School

Summary of the 1998 Thurston High School Shooting committed by Kip Kinkel. Note: this is for informational and educational purposes only. Post is below the cut.

Background:

Kipland Philip Kinkel was born August 30th, 1982 to Bill and Faith Kinkel. He had one older sister, Kristin, who was about six years older than him. The family lived in Springfield, Oregon; Bill previously taught Spanish at Thurston High School and Lane Community College, and Faith was a Spanish teacher at Springfield High. Kip was described as a relatively normal teenager with some odd hobbies and interests. He was on the football team and enjoyed the music of Marilyn Manson and Nirvana. He was also known for being “obsessed” with bombs and guns; this fixation would only grow over time.

The Kinkel family did not seem to have any major conflicts. Kristin was a successful competitive cheerleader in college, and Bill and Faith were both popular teachers. However, Kip had some academic struggles. It was recommended that he repeat the first grade, and he was later diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite having difficulty in some academic areas, Kip thrived in science and math; in fact, he was placed in a “Gifted” program.

Mental Health / Warning Signs

Kip’s behavior began to change as he became a teenager. He was twelve years old when he began hearing voices in his head. The first time it happened, he was walking home from school; according to Kip, a male voice told him, “You need to kill everyone, everyone in the world.” When he could not find the source of the voice, he panicked. He ran to his house, grabbed the rifle he received for his birthday, and hid in his bedroom until he did not hear the voice. Soon, one voice developed into two, and then three. These voices were all male voices and would talk to each other: either to fight or to work together to manipulate Kip. These voices terrified him, and he tried to make sense of them. However, his conclusions were all based in paranoia.

“I believed that the Disney corporation was working in conjunction with the U.S. government, and they had planted a chip in my head and so the voices were coming from this chip,” - Kip Kinkel (2021)

This paranoia developed rapidly, but he went to great lengths to hide it from others. He began believing that foreign countries would invade and kill him. These fears led him to have an increased interest in weapons.

In seventh grade, he expressed an interest in building bombs and tried to obtain books such as the Anarchist’s Cookbook. He obtained a shotgun from a friend during this time as well. Faith Kinkel discovered his plans to obtain weapon-related books and grew concerned. Despite knowing about Kip’s violent interests, she did not intervene. It wasn’t until Kip started getting into legal trouble that some action was taken. In eighth grade, Kinkel and his friends were caught shoplifting CDs at the local Target. Sometime after this incident, Kip and a friend were arrested in Bend, Oregon for hitting a car with a rock from a highway overpass. These incidents led to Kip being brought to a psychologist. Kip intended to keep the voices and delusions he was having a secret. Dr. Jeffrey Hick would see Kip for nine therapy sessions and noted that he showed “no evidence of delusional thinking or other thought disorder symptoms.” It was apparent that he had a strained relationship with his parents, especially after his sister (who acted as a mediator for the family) had moved out. Kip described eating and daily functioning as a chore. He was eventually diagnosed with depression and prescribed Prozac.

“I remember freaking out. I had this plan, and this is a mess, but I had this plan to get into the military because if I got in the military, then I could get into the CIA, and if I got in the CIA, then I could get the right connects to find whoever in the government that put this chip in my brain. And being diagnosed as depressed.. this was something the voices pushed.. meant that I would not be allowed into the military. And I would not be allowed to own guns.” - Kip Kinkel (2021)

During the time of these counseling sessions (January 20th - July 30th 1997), Kip was suspended twice in late April. Despite this, he was seemingly progressing well in counseling; it seemed that Kip’s depression and anger were under control. Because of this, his father allowed him to purchase a 9mm Glock with his own money (under the agreement he would not be able to use it without his father’s supervision). In an attempt to bond, Kip and his father would go target shooting. Soon after, Kip purchased more guns: a .22 pistol from a friend (which he kept hidden) and a .22 semiautomatic rifle that his father allowed him to purchase. Kip’s obsession with explosives grew just as his obsession with guns did. In class, he gave a descriptive speech about the process of building pipe bombs with detailed illustrations.

Expulsion:

On May 20th, 1998, Kip was going to purchase another gun, a .32 caliber semi-automatic pistol, from a friend; they arranged the day before for Kip to purchase it at school. Kip paid $110 for the gun and kept it in his locker. However, this gun was stolen from the friend’s father. The father contacted the school, concerned that one of his guns was taken by one of his son’s friends. A list of possible suspects was given to Detective Warthen, but Kip’s name was not listed. After speaking to other students, Warthen questioned Kip about the gun. He confessed and was arrested, along with the friend he purchased the gun from. According to Detective Warthen, Kip was extremely worried about what his parents would think of him being charged with a felony. Bill Kinkel drove Kip home from the police station. They stopped at Burger King; Bill left Kip inside the building while he ate in the car. Kip felt as though his fears had become a reality.

“It was no longer, ‘I need to get this gun to protect myself from these very specific threats.’ Everything was a threat, everything was evil, everything was ugly, I got to the point where there was a mantra that the voices were saying, but also that I was experiencing, which was that I had to commit the crimes that I committed. The sense that I had no other choice was overwhelming. It became my reality.” - Kip Kinkel (2021)

Shooting:

According to Kip, the voices in his head continued to get louder and more unbearable. The voices he was hearing were telling him to kill his father. Around 3pm on the same day as his expulsion, Kip grabbed his .22 rifle and shot his father in the back of the head while he was drinking coffee in the kitchen. Kip dragged the body of his father to the bathroom and covered him with a sheet. Between 3pm and 6:30pm, Kip’s home phone received numerous calls: a call from an English teacher at Thurston High School looking to speak to Bill, a call from a friend of Kip asking about Bill, and a call from one of Bill’s Spanish students asking about his absence. Kip gave vague, short answers to these calls before hanging up. The final call was between Kip and two of his friends. During this call, Kip explains that he did not know that the gun was stolen, and that he had no plans to use it. According to the friends on this call, he was impatiently waiting for his mother to come home and stated that “It's over...Everything's over... it's done... Nothing matters now."

Around 6:30pm, Faith Kinkel was in the garage, getting out of her car. Kip entered the garage, told her that he loved her before shooting her twice in the back of the head, three times in the face, and once in the chest. Kip covered her body with a sheet. That night, the voices convinced him that more people needed to die.

“I know it’s really hard for people to accept and understand, but there was something very clear inside me... like suicide wasn’t an option for me until I had done this thing that they were telling me to do. And they had promised me that once I did this thing I could kill myself.” - Kip Kinkel (2021)

The following morning, May 21st, 1998, Kip dressed himself in a black trench coat and packed his .22 caliber semiautomatic rifle, the 9mm Glock, and .22 caliber semiautomatic pistol into his backpack, along with ammunition. He taped a bullet to his chest (an extra bullet to kill himself, in case he ran out of ammunition) and a hunting knife to his leg. He drove himself to Thurston High School in his mother’s Ford Explorer.

Kip parked a block away from the school and walked through the back parking lot to enter the school. In a hallway near the school’s cafeteria, Kip shot two boys, Ben Walker and Ryan Attebury with the rifle; Walker being shot in the face and Attebury on the side of his face. He continued down the hallway to the cafeteria, where he shot the remainder of the 50-round clip. Determined to keep shooting, Kip tried to use his Glock, but he was tackled by five students after one shot. Two students were killed: Ben Walker and Mikael Nickolauson. Ryan Attebury, along with 24 others, survived their injuries. As Kip was arrested, he stated he just wanted to die or be killed.

At the police station, Kip spoke to Detective Al Warthen. He was questioned about the moments leading up to the shooting, and Kip confessed to the murder of his parents. (Most of this recorded confession can be found online). Warthen left the room momentarily, and Kip managed to grab the knife he had taped to his leg. When Warthen returned, Kip yelled at Warthen to kill him before approaching him with the knife. Warthen escaped the room and locked Kip inside; He and another officer sprayed pepper spray into the room in an attempt to disarm Kip.

As detectives entered the Kinkel’s house, “Liebestod”, a song featured on the CD soundtrack of Romeo + Juliet, could be heard on repeat at a blasting volume. Upon entering the house, detectives found explosives in crawl spaces, the bodies of Bill and Faith, and a note confessing the murder of the Kinkel parents.

“I have just killed my parents! I don't know what is happening. I love my mom and dad so much. I just got two felonies on my record. My parents can't take that! It would destroy them. The embarrassment would be too much for them. They couldn't live with themselves. I'm so sorry. I am a horrible son. I wish I had been aborted. I destroy everything I touch. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I didn't deserve them. They were wonderful people. It's not their fault or the fault of any person, organization, or television show. My head just doesn't work right. God damn these VOICES inside my head. I want to die. I want to be gone. But I have to kill people. I don't know why. I am so sorry! Why did God do this to me. I have never been happy. I wish I was happy. I wish I made my mother proud. I am nothing! I tried so hard to find happiness. But you know me I hate everything. I have no other choice. What have I become? I am so sorry“ - Kip Kinkel’s written confession

Trial:

On June 16th, 1998, Kip Kinkel was indicted with 58 felony charges, including four counts of aggravated murder that he was originally charged with. Kip spent approximately 18 months in solitary confinement. He was kept in a juvenile detention center until being transferred to an adult county jail after his 16th birthday. Kip was evaluated by different doctors that came to the shared conclusion that he showed signs of paranoid schizophrenia. Due to his age, he was not given a formal diagnosis and was only given medication for a brief period of time. During his confinement, the voices only gained more control over Kip.

Just days before the trial, Kip decided to plead guilty instead of going forward with an insanity defense. He felt that a mental institution would be just as bad as prison, and he wanted to avoid a stressful trial in hopes that the voices would not bother him more than they already were.

During the sentencing, survivors, family members of the victims, and doctors testified. Many called for the harshest sentence possible. When Kristin Kinkel tried to console her brother and block out the anger surrounding him, he allegedly said, “No, I owe it to them to listen.” Kip’s defense team attempted to get a lighter sentence due to his age and mental instability. However, the notoriety of the case led to Kip receiving the harshest sentence for a juvenile. On November 2nd, 1999, Kip Kinkel was sentenced to 111-years in prison without the possibility of parole. He apologized to the survivors and families of the victims.

Appeals / Recent News:

Kip and his legal team have made multiple attempts to appeal his sentence, with no success. However, Kip has made significant progress in his life in prison. He earned his degree in global studies in 2007 and has worked as a clerk in the prison library, a yoga instructor and an electrician. Kip’s mental health has improved with the help of proper medication and therapy. He continues to advocate for criminal justice reform today. In the summer of 2021, Kip Kinkel gave his first and only interview for an article by HuffPost.

“It’s hard for me to be able to say that because, so clearly, I had so many other choices. But in that time, that’s the horror of becoming fixated in a psychotic way... I felt like I didn’t want to do what I was going to do, I had to do it. That’s what was going on in my head.” - Kip Kinkel, speaking about his crimes

#loukaiitis #kip kinkel #kipland kinkel #tcc #true crime #summary

284 notes · View notes

maltedghost · 2 years

Text

The Omori Fanbase and Misunderstanding of Psychosis

This is going to be more ranty than anything else, so I apologize for that. I think it’s important that I also clarify this is coming from my personal opinion, and not everyone thinks the same.

I may as well mention, I have gone through psychosis for two years and have dealt with long term mental illness my entire life; it’s an uphill battle, and it’s something that never truly goes away. Medication is needed to properly maintain the symptoms of psychosis, and I want that to be kept in mind while reading this.

Here we go

For a game that emphasizes how mental health can take hold of and deteriorate the psyche, I’m surprised/somewhat disgusted by how a majority of the omori fanbase characterizes Basil as an obsessive yandere who is nothing but clingy and all smiles.

I also think it’s important to remember that DW Basil is what Sunny/Omori wants him to be, the same way Sunny/Omori creates the rest of his friends to be ‘perfect’ (which is why he keeps killing DW Basil when he steps out of line from that ‘perfect’ and ‘delicate’ persona).

That being said…

The fanbase is able to separate the DW and RW versions of the characters, but for some reason, this is not the case with Basil. Basil is treated as being exactly the same in RW like he is in DW; clingy, obsessive, and childish (when in reality he is fearing for his life and avoiding everyone like the plague—especially Sunny).

But why is that? My only guess can be is that this is another case of people misunderstanding symptoms of psychotic episodes.

When someone is going through psychosis, reality becomes distorted. You are unable to think or act correctly. Every day is waking up in fear, paranoid that something is going to come get you. It becomes difficult to distinguish what is real and what is not real. You don’t trust anyone, and you have the feeling of constantly being watched. Every day is a waking nightmare, and every night is a battle to fall asleep. It’s impossible to run away from your delusions, and they follow you everywhere you go like some festering parasite that only grows stronger over time.

Basil’s mind has clearly deteriorated throughout those four years. It only makes sense his paranoia and delusions became worse over time, eventually evolving into full psychosis; auditory, visual, tactile hallucinations… its made explicitly clear in-game that Basil suffers from all of these.

As represented by Basil’s SOMETHING, he is quite literally being eaten alive by his guilt and paranoia.

Now, as for anyone who has dealt with psychotic breaks, you’ll know that pushing away those thoughts only make them worse. Which brings me to my next point:

Basil is not obsessed with Sunny. He quite literally has no choice but to think about him. I truly believe he tried pushing away any reminders of his trauma, and I imagine during his first year alone, he tried giving up on the idea that Sunny would be there with him so they could have each other’s backs. He most likely tried moving on and living life as normally as he could.

But that’s not how PTSD works.

Basil’s trauma, no matter how hard he tried to push it away, haunted him every day—thus, Sunny haunted him every day. Every day, Basil’s paranoia had been reminding him of what happened, who was there, and what was promised.

This is what leads him into his psychosis, and his haunted perception of Sunny.

When Basil finally sees Sunny for the first time after four years, he’s not happy. He’s more-so nervous than anything else.

Sunny is a reminder of his trauma, and it’s made clear Basil isn’t ready to face him given he never wants to join your party.

(Displaying disoriented speech)

When he finds out that Sunny came out after all these years just to leave again (he didn’t even hear it from Sunny), of course that would trigger a psychotic response; thus, Basil retreats into the bathroom and manically repeats the phrase that’s gotten him through those four horrid, lonely years.

(Repetition of words/rumination)

While hallucinating as Sunny seemingly enters the bathroom to comfort him after all these years, he’s left alone again to be consumed by his paranoia. This goes on for the remainder of the game; Basil actively avoiding the party and staying inside, believing there is no hope left for him or Sunny.

(Foreshadowing suicidal thoughts)

And then his grandma passes.

Something interesting is that every interaction with RW Basil always leads to a fear response from Basil. Even if the incident from four years ago is never brought up, it’s obvious it’s constantly on his mind (again, psychosis consumes your every waking thought).

(he immediately becomes paranoid around Sunny, talking about Mari, unprompted).

And then there’s Basil’s meltdown.

(Hostility)

Some more symptoms of psychosis is sometimes having to deal with bouts of aggressiveness, word repetition, restlessness, and of course, frenzied/incoherent speaking.

When these meltdowns happen, it often reveals innermost thoughts and/problems, but in a more panicked sort of way. With that said…

I believe Basil’s dialogue in this scene reveals how he truly feels about Sunny.

Taking on the responsibility of hiding a horrid truth, all by himself, for four years—the guilt, paranoia, hallucinations getting worse and worse—and then finding out that the only other person who knows about this horrible sin is about to leave you again; but this time, forever. It’s cruel, and I don’t blame Basil for feeling some type of resentment towards Sunny.

(Part of me views Sunny losing his eye as punishment for his sins, but that’s just me).

Conclusion

I guess what I wanted to get across was that I’m sick of seeing people mischaracterize yet another psychotic character as nothing but a creepy yandere. I find it insulting to those who have gone through either short or long term psychosis (including me), and any of those who may still be dealing with psychotic breaks. I really want to see the fanbase do better, especially when this is a game that can be seen as mental health awareness.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t horribly saddened by OMORI’s neutral endings. Seeing Basil commit suicide and succumb to his psychosis is scary, and it’s something so many people dealing with mental illness fear every day. It’s a reminder of what could have happened to me had I not gotten the support and help I needed (meds, friends, family).

Afterthoughts

I don’t think Basil hates Sunny. Does that mean They should continue being friends? Well, maybe; exposure response therapy is usually helpful for dealing with things like this, and if Basil were to continue avoiding Sunny like the plague I believe it would only make his mental health worse (also of course Basil shouldn’t have stabbed out Sunny’s eye but my boy was hallucinating throw him a bone).

In reality, I think Basil just wants things to go back to the way they were, just like everyone else does. It’s very clear given the context of the game that Sunny and Basil have a special bond (“a red string of fate”).

If anything, I believe Sunny is more obsessed with Basil than Basil is with him, but that’s a different post for the future.

…and don’t even get me started on how Sunny told the truth then left Basil to pick up the scraps and deal with the aftermath of his friends.

…and no, I still have no idea what is up with Basil getting the idea to hang Mari.

#omori #omori basil #omori sunny #omori analysis #omori spoilers

816 notes · View notes

queencolondarkwing · 9 months

Text

AngelicaASMR’s current change

This post only about any info posted as of 7/25/2023 (will update in future if needed).

Ok so I’ve been following the Angelica Asmr shit pretty closely (don’t expect me to comment on gwen gwiz too because that girl is a grifter from the start). And as a mental health worker it REALLY freaks me out for her. I worked in a rehab for awhile. For people quitting drugs, but many of them also had bipolar, ptsd, schizophrenia, and similar diagnosises (some people also had the behavior due to being in crisis as well due to loss, recent homelessness, police brutality, etc.). So I know what psychotic breaks look like. I won’t armchair diagnose anything specific because I am not her medical provider, but while I can’t say she has anything for certain - she has a history of manic episodes in the past.

As someone with ADHD, a history of sexual and religious trauma, and c-ptsd like Angelica, I can honestly see how she fell into this. As someone who is also anti-capitalist, I can see why she thinks finding community would be beneficial (not sure why she would choose the Catholic Church instead of something from less individualistic, Eastern philosophy doesn’t make sense to me personally though...) to finding growth in an online era of isolation following a personal loss in her life. It seems weird how she went from talking about her Jehovahs Witness trauma from her youth...to going full on Orthodox, but I’ll get into details on why mentally this is actually super common in a minute.

I can also see how she would become a SWERF after having done OF, since as a former sex worker myself (camming, porn, fssw) who quit doing it after being raped - I can safely say that I myself am neither pro or anti sex work. I’m pro-decriminalization to keep workers safe, but also do feel a bit sick sometimes that MOST fssw on the streets are marginalized people. It is a complicated issue with nuance that non-sex workers have no business taking a side on. However, she is very hateful recently and anti-sex in general. Which is an issue.

She originally joined OnlyFans during a manic episode. So she HAS a history of mental illness and making major life decisions during mania.

She went from pro-lgbtq to anti-lgbtq. Deleted her old progressive videos. Claimed to be a victim of MKUltra. Started making up delusions around the Catholic Church being anti-capitalist (Catholics individually can 100% be leftists, but the Church itself is VERY Capitalist). She posted homophobic and transphobic tiktoks where she would yell practically incoherently. Lots of staring. Inability to talk without looking away and laughing (she is normally a skilled actress). Posting WAY more frequently than ever(she reposted 3 deleted videos last night and deleted them by this morning). She posted a video and lots of shorts and is way more active on Instagram.

The worst breakdowns I saw working rehab mostly always cycled through 4 topics: fame/self importance, inconsistent political and religious rambling, and sex. Always. Angelica has shown inconsistent spiritual beliefs (she has been mixing up Catholic, Orthodox, politics, and other religions). She has been focusing on sex in the context of trauma and posted a short of her in a bathtub on youtube again. She has been posting and immediately deleting content that has even positive comments on it.

Some medical signs of possible mania and/or psychosis that she is exhibiting:

Paranoia, trouble talking in a clear way/rambling, withdrawing socially (posting more often/online more but also alienating from her former fans), Confused speech, trailing off/lack of focus in videos, Generally disorganized way of thinking, no sign of restraint in expressing self, racing speech, goal-directed activity (seems to have a new anti-sex work goal), distractable/trails off topic, random giggling at nothing at camera like it is a person she is conversing with...etc. Tbh the amount of red flags I’ve seen are alarming.

I hope she gets support and help. And it is one reason I can’t blame her as hard as I would most, because she seems clearly unwell. It isn’t an excuse. At all. And I don’t blame people for not supporting her going forward, but I plan to keep an eye on the situation for now and am hoping that somehow she can pull out of this shit, because I’ve seen this shit happen to a LOT of people with hard lives. Hell, I’ve even lashed out in smaller degrees and been delusional during my own ptsd breakdowns too, but when people are as far gone as Angelica is...I don’t usually see them come back again to the same state they were in previously. I’m hoping for the best, as a former fan and as a social worker, but Idk.

61 notes · View notes

bpdiruma · 6 months

Text

miu iruma has bpd: an analysis

in my eyes, miu iruma has bpd and here's why:

PLEASE NOTE: i have bpd. please do not tell me what i do or do not know about this disorder. thank you.

ok now let's get on with the post.

borderline personality disorder (which i will call bpd for the entirety of this post) is an emotional dysregulation disorder. it is characterized by unstable moods, behavior, and relationships.

now, let's talk about the symptoms that fit miu. there are a lot so bear with me

example #1: fear of abandonment

fear of abandonment is a common problem in those with bpd. many people with this disorder will go absolute lengths to get the people around them to stay. there's frantic behaviors that people with bpd do to prevent abandonment, which is what miu is showing here. throughout her love suite her fear of abandonment is prominent, and her frantic attempts to avoid abandonment are shown when she tries to get shuichi to have a baby with her so he'll stay with her.

example #2: impulsivity and risky behavior

impulsivity is another major part of this disorder. this is due to the lack of activity in the prefrontal cortex. miu is shown to be extremely impulsive on many occasions, and even here she admits to kaede that she just says whatever she feels like and can't control it. she also does other risky behavior along the way such as everything in chapter 4.

example #3: substance abuse

miu is a drug addict. this is shown by her intro. although it's brief, it gives us a lot of insight about her and what her coping mechanisms are. she uses drugs to try to set her mind free from everything, and wants to get high to avoid her problems. this is extremely common in bpd, and individuals suffering with the disorder are prone to substance abuse as a coping mechanism.

example #4: inappropriate anger and a bad temper

miu has a temper, that's a given. that is something everyone knows about her, and something that everyone points out about her as a character. with bpd, emotions are heightened due to the amygdala (part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation) is shrunk compared to people without the disorder. i will also return to the point about her emotions being heightened later on in this post. but as for her anger, she is an angry person. she gets angry incredibly easily. little things bother her and this is because of heightened emotions.

example #5: paranoia

people with bpd can be extremely paranoid, feeling as if the world is out to get them. this is prominent in miu's case as well, she's a very paranoid person. she has extreme levels of distrust that impact her decisions especially through later parts.

example #6: delusions

delusions are frequent with this disorder. and something that is not well known about miu; she is delusional. due to her car accident and being saved from the surgery, she believes that she is not human. although she seems happy about it, that's what a delusion is. it is extremely unhealthy and later on in the free time event, she tries gutting herself with a wrench to prove her point.

example #7: unstable relationships

please note the ending of this sentence. she makes a note saying she doesn't want him to abandon her "TOO". she has had a history of this. people have abandoned her in the past and left her in the dust. this happens frequently with those who have bpd, that tendency to have unstable relationships with other people. but it is possible for someone with bpd to have a healthy relationship with someone.

example #8: sensitivity and reactivity

this ties back into the point i made before about miu having heightened emotions. another end of these emotions is an overall sensitivity to the world. miu is very reactive. she will take anything as a personal attack and consider someone mad at her for it. she is incredibly sensitive and can cry easily (nothing wrong with that though, part of the disorder). she's very reactive to the world and what people say to her, backing off whenever spoken back to.

example #9: extreme mood swings

one thing everybody notes about miu's character when first seeing her is how quickly her mood changes. i remember watching gameplays on youtube and youtubers would comment on her frequent and quick mood swings. its an obvious thing and she goes through more mood swings than the average person does. her mood can literally change in seconds. with bpd, emotions are very unstable. due to this, mood swings can happen incredibly often and at high rates. miu can be angry one second, then upset, then confident, all in the span of a few minutes. yes, those are extreme mood swings.

AND THATS ALL I GOT FOR THIS POST! thank you for reading if you stuck all the way to the end of this. as someone with bpd i find extreme comfort in how miu acts because she is so similar to me. i love analyzing her character

#danganronpa #miu iruma #drv3 #danganronpa v3 #dr #iruma miu #tw drug mention #bpd #borderline personality disorder #analysis #character analysis #danganronpa analysis

20 notes · View notes

candysharkart · 1 year

Note

hi would u be willing to talk more ab ur belcher hcs that theyre all schizoaffective? :]

i can defs try! i cant promise i have really anything "smart" or insightful to say, cuz my husband and i just kinda draw from our own experiences :o

(if u are reading this and dont know what schizoaffective disorder is, im writing this w/ the definition of "a combination of schizophrenic symptoms and mood disorder symptoms like major depressive and bipolar disorder")

bob has felt the most schiz to us from the start, he's got his voices, which feel way more like he's acting as a mouthpiece for the objects he's talking to, rather than him just doing a bit. he knows its not "real" but also. it is to him. (i think hes also had some? hallucinations? but most are drug or stress induced and he also has a lot of cartoon dream sequences so...?) he struggles with paranoia and anxiety, and he's had pretty manic and depressive episodes in the show. i think he tries his best to stay grounded and self-aware with his delusions. he's very skeptical, and gets really irritated by misinformation. (probs also an affect of his autism tbh)

we also have a hc that he's more irritable and negative in the early seasons bc he's on meds that arent a good fit for him. (we dont really have meds hcs other than that. they might not be able to afford them)

linda's symptoms arent as obvious beyond her delusions like the raccoons and the cemetery stuff, but i think she's taught herself to suppress her issues so she could better support gayle who had more disruptive ones. her parents seem like the "stop being mentally ill its annoying" types. she has her own instances of paranoia and anxiety, but she mostly tries to smother and ignore anything negative she feels. VERY manic and impulsive tho. i think she also has some hallucinations in show but im drawing blanks on specifics.....

i would personally say tina is pretty depressive, but she's good at trying to cope in (mostly) healthy ways. her family is a good support system for her! she does have the most instances of visual hallucinations that arent cartoon bits (she seems to have them a lot when shes feeling guilty...) her anxiety and paranoia reminds me a lot of bob but also of gayle. they have similar outburts

gene has the least examples that i can think of.... i think he considers ken to be pretend and is just joking about him being real bc it annoys bob (compared to tina who thinks her horse Jericho is maybe...a little real) but i think he has some other hallucinations tht arent like that. hes surprisingly anti-social! he definitely often views himself as superior to the kids he knows. gets that from his dad lol. and his mania and impulsiveness are very much like linda :) he doesnt have depressive episodes as much as the others, but they hit him really hard :(

and louise! shes paranoid and has lots of aggression issues! to me she is also very depressed. (the puppet ep is esp relatable to me lol........) and she's VERY manic in the ambergris ep! i think she also has a couple instances of voices similar to bob's? but its kinda hard to tell the difference when shes still a kid who plays pretend with her toys. her talking to the taffy dummy feels more like what bob does tho.

i hope? thats the kind of hcs you were talking about? ive been trying to think of the right words for like 3 hours now. im very bad with words and so much of this stuff can also be attributed to other brain stuff, and one person can have a lot going on in one brain! so i hope i dont upset anyone with this post. thank u for ur time :)

#also gotta remember that its a Silly Jokes Cartoon so i dont really....think most of this is intentional #bob's burgers #hope this isnt. illegible word salad also. sorry......

84 notes · View notes

twistedastrology · 15 days

Text

🪐 my take on the outer planets 🪐

---------------------------------------------------

saturn is constantly given a bad rap just because it does its job- saturn's placement in your chart isn't always a bad thing- it can signify difficulties in that area of your life, yes, but it can also tell you what you have unwavering resolve in (especially if you're saturn ruled or saturn is positively aspected)

for example, my saturn is in my 1st house in leo (cancer rising) and I've seen people say that saturn in the 1st house can indicate a fear of growing old or being lonely, whatever- my personal experience with this placement is, ask anyone that knows me and they will tell you i am fucking petrified of losing myself- losing my mind, losing who i am and dying early are my worst fears (dreams in which im dying are NOT the best ive ever had 😮‍💨)

but as a result of this, i know myself SO well. i do think saturn in the 1st house can indicate issues with finding yourself IF it's afflicted, which mine isn't (thank god 💔💔💔)

im also very scared of growing out of touch with the world around me- dont get me wrong, i love being a hermit, but if im ever that old man that can't understand trends or whatever and is overly cynical of younger generations... dawg- take me the fuck out 😕

uranus i LOOOOVEEEEE and i think it stands for so much more than just rebellion- my uranus has a LOT of power in my chart (so does my neptune but they're in mutual reception 😮‍💨) because my moon is cusped (1° pisces, but i feel both pisces and aquarius influence 💔), and it and my mercury im pretty sure are why i think backwards as fuck- (fun fact, my mercury is FIRMLY direct but it likes to act like it's in retrograde 💔💔💔💔)

but!! more interestingly, i have a very specific mental process where whenever im goin thru it, i cant stay goin thru it for a while- if my brain is fucked up for a little too long and i start getting pissed about it, my uranus takes over and legitimately propels me through the pain in almost an instant. i could be going through something for weeks and once i start getting pissed about it or legitimately bored of it, the next day it's like nothing ever happened BUT i still learned from it

ofc I have to do something to trigger that effect, which is where my mars in cancer comes in and i do a workout to tap into the physical catharsis and BOOM, go to bed and wake up the next day a new man 🙏🙏🙏 god bless 🙏🙏🙏

neptune Ok i am not entirely sure what made whoever said neptune is the higher octave of venus think that but I've never been able to see it. this might be controversial as hell but neptune is the higher octave of the moon to me and jupiter is the higher octave of venus. THAT BEING SAID-

neptune is an absolutely fascinating planet to me lately and im not sure why- i do have a couple transit aspects with it right now but ive wanted to write about it literally all day now- U KNOW i might love it so much bc it's in my 8th house actually that would make sense- ANYWAY-

neptune to me is the source of all the visions from god i get, especially my creative ones- (source: it came to me in a vision from god.) the moon is a very creative placement in my opinion (i have a WILDLY different idea of the moon that i can go over in another post), so neptune follows a similar current, but neptune is higher creativity, higher emotion, etc- it's the planet of spirituality and the absolute depths of our subconscious, like to the point of past lives, that's the kinda shit neptune fucks with

but because it's also the higher octave of the moon, to me it can absolutely represent addictions and vices, everything garbage- personally, my neptune isn't very afflicted at all but i also have a major lack of earth in my chart so i Do find myself experiencing classic neptune-based paranoia sometimes- fuck dude i went neurotic for a week at one point, that was some serious neptune delusion- But my uranus/saturn pulled me back from it, because like i said, saturn makes me petrified of losing myself, so those two joined forces like "ya this shit ain't cool actually take it out back and shoot it"

i might make a post on specifically neptune stuff soon and/or right after this bc the hyperfixation is hyperfixating 💔💔

pluto i FUCK with because it's such a soul searchy planet (my 8th house is very active so ofc i fuck with pluto) in the darkest ways and i love that shit- jonathan davis has his pluto in a fucking mastery degree (29° virgo) and i am to this day like 😦 over it- and it makes SO much sense for him to have PLUTO of all planets in a mastery degree- and i have mine in 26° sag so like im not that far behind... 💔

but dude that's mastery of some SERIOUS transformative powers- that's mastery of the wildly darker shit in life and that is so fucking tight to me- i value that kinda stuff more than anything dude- probably why korn is my fav band (been listening to them as i write this 😭😭)

one thing abt pluto that i DONT agree with tho, and this is more of a scorpio thing BUT i know everyone loves to say scorpios are the sexy signs but dawg... it's cancers... i swear 2 god it's cancers- i will write an entire fucking post on cancers and why i HATE everyone's interpretations of them bc everyone's like "cnanncers are cRYBbaueiis and tHyeyre the most emOtIknal siGnsns 💔💔💔" Bro. Bro. Bro dont do me like that for the love of god. that shit made me hate my rising sign for SO long and also not relate to it!!!! then i started doin my own research and found out "Oh fuck nvm im totally a cancer"

BUT if you look at pluto like the actual God- nowhere in his mythology (that I read anyway- i could be wrong i dont wanna act like i know everything) does it say anything abt him ruling over sex or sumn like that- but everyone says pluto rules over sex!!!!!! Where!!!!!!!!!!! dawg they said he was a god of abundance bc he ruled over the underworld and gems and stuff were found underground 😭😭😭

i do think pluto fucks with taboo shit though But back in the ye olden days when astrology was being developed, sex was not taboo at all, that's a new development that i think uranus fucks with more because uranus is a very future focused planet in my humble opinion

i could definitely keep writing but i think this is already a novel SO- to specify tho, this is all my opinion of the planets, ive read PLEEEEEENTY of books and stuff so by no means do i not know how this shit works, but my uranus makes me rip everything apart and make my own take so 💔

#astrology #astro observations #astro community #outer planets #saturn #uranus #neptune #pluto #astrologer #space

7 notes · View notes

abstractlesbian · 3 months

Text

It's been 2 weeks since my mom got diagnosed with leukemia and she's reacting super well to treatment and her hospital stay is going as well as it possibly can and her prognosis is good

And I think I'm mostly coping well? The first week I could barely think or focus on anything but I'm starting to get back to normal "shit fucking sucks" stress levels instead of "my mom might die!?!" stress levels

Mental health has been a rollercoaster but the past few years have put me thru the ringer so I'm like oh I feel the paranoia/delusion/fear/dread/insomnia/hypochondria etc coming and I know what tools to reach for

It's not perfect but I'm more prepared to handle my mind than I used to be

I feel like my family is expecting me to go off the rails but I'm very much still on the rails. Theres turbulence but I'm holding strong.

I am making a terrible amount of impulse purchases tho. Woke up this morning and immediately bought a carebear teddy bear I gave away when I was 12. Bought way too many books and steam games this month anytime I was too sad or too stressed. I am my mothers daughter.

I also picked the worst possible time in the world to switch from weekly to bi-weekly therapy but I also don't want to switch back BC there's just so much talking with my dad and my mom and my sister and my grandparents and my coworker friend and my offline friends and my online friends + the journaling

So much updating ppl and talking about feelings and venting and problem solving

I've only had one therapy session since the diagnosis and I was unable to speak for the first 20 mins of it... But I also clearly need an outlet for all this shit BC I'm fucking writing a novel on tumblr rn lmao

But I'm not suicidal. I'm 5mo/5 years 5mo/8mo clean with different self harm methods. Not going overboard with substances, just some weed on Fridays/saturdays.

Only took one day off work, probably should've taken more.

Haven't torpedoed any of my relationships. Haven't had any major fuckups at work.

Not doing the best on chores but my dad and I are splitting the pet care / dishes pretty well and I'm managing to have enough clean clothes for work at least.

Idk shit sucks. Shit is exhausting. Shit is miserable.

But I'm getting thru it.

12 notes · View notes

dontmeantobepoliticalbut · 1 year

Text

The U.S. Secret Service has released a first-of-its-kind report that analyzes 173 mass attacks that took place in the country from 2016-2020.

It's the first time the agency has put together trends collected from five years of data; the report examines everything from when in the year the attacks took place, to behavioral changes exhibited in the attackers. The report, which comes from the agency's National Threat Assessment Center, looked at attacks that harmed at least three individuals, not including the attacker.

The report comes just days after two shootings in California in Monterey Park and Half Moon Bay killed a total of 18 people. So far in 2023, there have been 39 mass shootings.

Lina Alathari, chief of the National Threat Assessment Center, said she hopes the research and guidance provided in the report can help prevent future mass attacks.

"We must do everything we can to prevent these, which is why we're putting out this research for you. There is no community that is immune from this," Alathari said.

TOP DATA POINTS FROM THE REPORT

• LOCATION: Most of the attacks took place in a variety of public and semi-public spaces across 37 states, and Washington, D.C. The most common locations for an attack were businesses, including restaurants and retail.

• TYPE OF WEAPON USED: 126 of the attacks, or 73%, involved the use of one or more firearms. In nearly 1/4 of the attacks involving firearms, at least one of the firearms was acquired illegally by the attacker.

• DEMOGRAPHICS OF ATTACKERS: 96% of the attackers in the study were male. The USSS says that this finding is consistent with previous analyses of mass attacks. 57% were white and 34% were Black.

• CRIMINAL HISTORY: 64% had a prior criminal history, not including minor traffic violations. 41% of the attackers were found to have a history of domestic violence, but only 16% if those individuals faced domestic violence charges.

• ONLINE PRESENCE: A majority of the attackers had a identified presence online, and nearly one-quarter were found to have conveyed "concerning communications" such as threats, and posts about suicidal ideations, previous mass shootings, violent content and hatred toward a specific ethnic group.

• STRESSORS: Nearly all the attackers experienced "at least one significant stressor" within five years of the attack, most of which were issues with family and romantic relationships. 20% of the attackers experienced some kind of childhood trauma, including physical or sexual abuse, entering foster care, living in a refugee camp, or the death of a parent, the report says.

• FINANCIAL AND HOUSING INSTABILITY: 72% of the attackers experienced a financial stressor some time before the attack, and over half experienced it within five years. The report describes some financial stressors as bankruptcy, eviction, foreclosure and loss of income. 39% of the attackers also experienced unstable housing within 20 years of their attack, including homelessness and impending evictions.

CONCERNING BEHAVIORS AND MENTAL HEALTH SYMPTOMS AMONG THE ATTACKERS

The report says that of the 180 attackers examined in the report, 58% experienced mental health symptoms prior to or at the time of their attack, some of which included depression and suicidal thoughts, and psychotic symptoms such as paranoia and delusions.

The report makes it clear that mental health factors should not be considered causal explanations for why these attacks occurred.

"Mental illness is not a barometer for dangerousness and it is not a correlation for mass attacks. The vast majority of individuals with mental illnesses in this country will never be violent. In fact, often, they are the victims of violence," Alathari said.

The agency says violence like mass attacks are rarely spontaneous and almost always have some warning signs in the attacker. The report doesn't offer any kind of road map to prevent future mass attacks, but the agency recommends that "community systems" be set up to help identify and intervene when someone reports concerns about another person.

With the roll out of the USSS's report, they are also holding a virtual event, and Alathari said 21,000 people signed up to attend from all 50 states and 80 countries.

"Everyone has a role to play in prevention, it's [not] just one person's responsibility or one organization's responsibility. It is a community-wide, multi-disciplinary effort," Alathari said.

49 notes · View notes

psychoticallytrans · 11 months

Note

This is gonna be a weird question, and im sorry in advance if i dont word it the best. is it possible to only have temporary psychosis, or, i guess, episodic psychosis? im bipolar (type 2, i *think*, my psychiatrist isnt one for divvying the two up tbqh and im not either) and back when i wasnt medicated, during 2021ish, i had what was most likely a psychotic depression episode (and have probably had more before, but my memory is really bad). i didnt get that diagnosed; i told my school counsellor about how i was feeling and she just kinda went "thats... a little out of my paygrade" sdfghjk. now that im medicated i dont have those kinds of episodes anymore, but, well--my symptoms have gotten worse lately, likely due to stress (i am a trans man, easily clockable as trans, living in florida, plus i've had life stuff going on) and i suppose im just wondering if you have any advice for trying to catch an episode before i'm near the end of it. sorry if this is technically easily-google-able, but i'll be honest, i dont trust random articles more than i trust people with the conditions they're talking about, given how stigmatized a lot of mental illnesses are. thank you for your time !! have a good day !!

No, it's not weird at all! It's certainly not easy to google, if you want accurate information. I'm glad you felt comfortable coming here to ask. Psychosis is a symptom. Specifically, it's a response to stress. Some disorders, like bipolar, make you more prone to it than average, lowering the amount of stress that needs to be applied for you to experience psychosis. For some people, the bar is zero stress applied for them to experience psychosis. For most people, the bar is pretty high, requiring major stress sustained over days for them to experience it- and when the stress is removed, they are no longer psychotic. In other words, the vast majority of people's psychosis is temporary!

It sounds like that for you, the amount of stress required is lower than most, and you're looking out for how to manage an episode. That's a great question to be asking, and I'm glad you're taking care of and looking out for yourself.

The first thing is to think back to your first episode, and think about what symptoms you experienced. Were there hallucinations? Delusions? What were they about, and how did they feel? Identifying what you experienced can help you figure out if you have an episode coming up. For me, the first thing is always hearing things that aren't there, like footsteps. Figuring out what your first thing is can help a lot. Next, think about what might help you figure out what is and isn't real. For visual hallucinations, a lot of people use their phones to check by looking through the camera app. For auditory ones, earplugs and recording then playing back sound are both common ones. For hallucinated smells, most people use nose plugs, but I use essential oils because they work better for me. I cannot smell anything past them, so anything that doesn't smell like the oil ain't real. For taste, I hear a lot of people use an ice cube on the tongue, but I don't have those. Anyone who does, please chime in! For tactile ones, usually touching the spot yourself will help.

Delusions are more complicated, especially when you're in the middle of them. The strategy that works best for me is basically examining my thoughts. First, I figure out if it's rational or not by applying logic. Why am I thinking this? Does it have a good reason behind it? Next, is this thought going to harm me or other people? If not, I leave it alone. You can choose to examine your benign delusions if you like, I just choose not to.

If it is (a common one that falls into this category for me is paranoia about leaving my home when I need groceries), I essentially start laying out an argument against myself, using my past experiences and research to resist the irrational thought (ex. going to the store is safe, even if it wasn't I can kick most people's asses, and if I can't do that I can scream loud enough to alert anyone within about a quarter mile, and even if something crap happens to me, I'm trained in First Aid and regularly update my training.). This can be difficult, and sometimes fails for me.

I also noted that you specifically had psychotic depression. this ca make things harder, because it's hard to do things when you're depressed. I recommend prepping for the possibility of an episode. Find ways to make your life easier. A list of self-accommodations you may find helpful:

Get some meals you can microwave. Make sure your meds are right next to something you can take them with. Try to keep enough clean laundry around that you won't have to do laundry during the episode. Disposable dishes and utensils are another great accommodation. Have a big trash bin you can pile trash into, and a misc box or hamper so that you can shove shit in it that you don't have the energy to put away, so you still have a floor to walk on safely.

The episode will be over, eventually, and you'll need to take care of whatever happened during it, but the better you take care of yourself during it, the faster it will be over.

If anyone else has advice, please feel free to add on!

25 notes · View notes

kaibutsushidousha · 2 months

Text

Marble World and Candy Resist (Sagrada Reset 4) - Prologue

[INDEX]

"Close your eyes. Imagine the most beautiful thing you can think of."

The little girl loved her teacher. So she obediently closed her eyes and imagined the most beautiful thing she could think of. The vague picture formed in her head was one of globes sparkling in many colors, small enough to fit the palm of one's hand.

"That's your inner beauty. The most beautiful thing within your heart.", the teacher continued.

She could feel it there.

She believed it was real.

"When you open your eyes, you won't be able to continue seeing what you're imagining."

(That's probably true.)

Still with her eyes closed, the girl moved her little chin up and down.

"But the world is full of things just as beautiful."

(Is it? Really? But if she's telling me it is, it must be true.)

"Where?", the girl asked. Immediately after the question, the pull of gravity rocked her head.

Startled, she opened her eyelids. She was supposed to see her smiling teacher with candies on the palms of her hands, but she was nowhere to be found. All she could see was the poorly washed asphalt.

The girl—somewhat older than she was back then—scrubbed her eyes. She wasn't sure if she was dreaming or remembering something that happened years ago. She was very sleepy. She might have dozed off on the bus stop bench or lost herself in old memories. She found both options plausible.

She couldn't sleep well last night. It was always like that on the night before a major event.

She stifled a yawn in a misguided act of self-punishment and looked at the sky.

Her blurry sight displayed the image of a very clear sky.

The rain from the past two days finally ended this morning. But that rain has already done its damage: most cherry blossoms have already fallen to the ground. She lowered her gaze to her feet, finding the cherry blossoms stuck to the asphalt, with their edges already starting to go brown. It was depressing. She felt like nothing was wishing her luck. A delusion born from paranoia.

(I'm starting high school today.), she whispered to her heart.

She couldn't come to terms with it despite being something that happens to practically everyone. One month after graduation, she struggled to acknowledged that she was done with middle school. Thinking back, her elementary school graduation was the same way. She grew accustomed to her middle school environment before she moved on from elementary.

She was waiting for the bus. She was wearing her brand new uniform and gripping the commuter pass she was going to start using that day. She went to elementary and middle school on foot, so this was her first time riding a vehicle to school. But she wasn't excited to debut her commuter pass.

(It's going to become mundane in a month.), she whispered to herself.

The title of high schooler, the new uniform, and the commuter pass will become cold routine. Aside from the implementation of the bus ride on the way to and from school, everything else will be the same as middle school. She will live the same life again and be called by the same nickname again.

(But this can't keep happening.)

She put her hand in her pocket. Her fingertips hit a hard object. There was a strawberry-flavored lollipop in there.

It was a simple sweet food made from sugar, syrup, and flavoring chemicals, but now it had a completely different meaning. She hoped that this candy would destroy her entire past.

Destroy the girl who still believed her elementary school teacher this whole time and reconstruct her as a girl who knows better.

She recalled that memory again.

The most beautiful thing. Something round and sparkly. It resembled candy but it was more beautiful, existed only in heart, and disappeared when she opened her eyes.

Her teacher said the world was full of things just as beautiful.

There was nothing like that. At least not anywhere she could find.

The sound of an engine shifted her attention to the street. She thought the bus had arrived. But it was just a freight truck.

She lowered her gaze back to the asphalt full of cherry blossoms.

And then she noticed it. Something shining under the concrete fence on the other side of the street. Some small sparkling globe, like a shard of light.

She stood up from the bus stop bench and crossed the street. She quickly found out what it was. There was a blueish marble on the floor.

One of the kids in the neighborhood must have dropped. She didn't believe this was the most beautiful thing in the world, but the nostalgia got a smile out of her.

She crouched and picked up the marble.

The marble reflected an upside-down image of her surroundings.

Through the marble, she saw the sky, the street, and the bus stop.

In this upside-down world, a bus traversed the street.

"Agh", she yelled.

#sagrada reset #marble world and candy resist #sera sawako

3 notes · View notes

qwuilty · 1 year

Text

Hiii, if i get this right, this should be posted right at 12 AM here meaning it’s officially my birthdayyy (feburary 1st) and for my birthday im posting more postal 1 dude headcanons and no one can stop me on my Special Dayyyyyy >:)

His mental collapse in Postal 1 is mostly due to a progression of several events in his life, but mainly due to a sort of midlife crisis escalating his worsening mental health.

I kind of take the advertisement quotes as a kind of semi-canon, which includes the “His classmates voted him most likely to succeed” one as well. I generally kind of think of him as being not a very popular kid (mostly due to his ‘strange’ behaviors and lack of social prowess) nor a very athletic one, but he was a Smart kid.

Being Smart meant he got told he was doing a good job, that people were proud of him, so he had to keep being smart, even if it killed him. And it worked through elementary to middle school to high school, however he completely crashed and burned once he couldn’t stretch himself any further.

The lack of a more rigid class schedule, the stress of expectations, his candle of mental energy being essentially a charred pile of wax embedded to the table, his worsening mental health and lack of medication, it all lead to him having a pretty bad breakdown and dropping out shortly after with everyone else kind of keeping their distance from him due to his “sudden” freakout.

From there he stagnated heavily, having to watch everyone else he knew make it and do what, to him, was supposed to be easy. Everyone expected such good things from him, and in his mind, he failed to go over the last hurdle at the finish line watching everyone else run right past him and over his exhausted body. Now he was stuck back at home in a dead-end job after already taking so long to get out the nest already.

The feeling of being watched started as the feeling of persecution from his peers due to his perceived failure, then paranoia that they were going to harass him, then delusions of a sudden intense increase in violence that spread as he left for college mixing with paranoia about world events and government surveillance, which well... You know how that ends.

I personally don’t know what I headcanon his major as, usually i default to an english major however i have seen other headcanons i like, so admittedly it's kind of in the air for me. However, even if it's not his major, I think he’d enjoy english and writing often. He's got a good flair for melodrama.

Because he’s paranoid of any potential issue happening, he’s self taught in first aid care either for himself or others as well as several other essential skills like hand-sewing. Both to keep himself busy in that downtime after his plans fell out and because of the fear of the worst case scenario that eventually became reality.

This one is more just a fun one, but I like to imagine he was a dinosaur and dragon kid growing up, he just kind of has that energy to me. Another fun little note is that actually, Postal 1 was released on November 14th, which is exactly nine months before Valentine's Day! I just think that's neat. :) (It’s also National American Teddy Bear Day!!)

Prone to compulsion and repetition, it provides the feeling of something familiar to him with the uncompromising spontaneousness of life. Some are simple, quick ones and some are more complex, some even potentially harmful but he greatly fears the consequences of not following through. Probably superstitious as well, things like knocking on wood or avoiding walking under ladders still get him even as an adult.

He’s not as judgemental of other people dealing with similar delusions and issues as he is to himself. He does panic a bit when confronted with a breakdown as he usually has no idea how to help in the moment, but he tries to be helpful how he can, even if that’s not very much. At the very least he tends to be more sympathetic towards people he notices struggling like he does.

Simultaneously fascinated by and terrified by horror movies, he finds the theming and cinematography of them very enjoyable but he’s also very prone to insomnia afterwards. Y'know the whole “watched a horror movie before bed and now i’m afraid the horror monster is in my hallway” deal, it’s a nasty cycle. </3

His love language is acts of service, he likes to feel useful to others and doing tangible things for them partially so he can feel worthy of love at all. In terms of receiving he prefers quality time, but for those who aren’t used to him it’s hard to tell what he even qualifies as “quality time”. Since he grew up mostly by himself either hiding in his room or with his parents out, he’s been alone for a good while and mostly just wants someone to physically be there even if you don’t do anything.

He’s picked up woodcarving as a small hobby, he’s gotten better at it over the years but perfectionism leads to little abandoned projects left behind before they’re ever finished. He’s fairly creative and has a sense of wonder under all that grunge, just not the energy or confidence to really pursue anything with that.

He needs some kind of music or sound while he sleeps, mostly through an old CD player resting on his nightstand. He’s got a small folder of easier listening cds he’s gotten from thrift stores as well as the ones he already has, the kind you find that are heavily discounted in the back. They’re in fairly bad condition and it’s definitely not helped by him constantly having to replay them, but it’s better than laying in complete silence.

He’s gone through a few jobs, especially after his college time trying to keep afloat. Most jobs he left were ones he had to quit due to the stress or he ended up being let go due to complaints of his uncomfortable behavior. Mainly unintentionally disturbing staff members and being fired for unaffiliated reasons on paper so they can just let him go and not have to tell him why to his face. It’s not even that he does a bad job or that he’s rude, it’s mainly his height and mixture of quietness, muttering, and lurking around the area that gets him written up.

He greatly prefers winter to any other season, partially because it allows him to layer up more without overheating to feel a bit safer and partially because he isn’t as sweaty when it's colder. But during summer he usually cycles through a couple old band shirts that still mask his form well enough, the boots are all season though. He’s also generally grumpier during summer, even having grown up in Arizona the heat bothers him as well as how bright it gets outside.

What doesn’t help him with that is how easily he burns up in the summer, partially because he still dresses pretty heavy even with his “warm weather” clothes, but also because of how pale he is. It’s like he freckles a little and then it’s all pain from there. </3

He doesn’t have a proper driving license and never learned how to, which adds onto his feeling of being far behind where he ‘should’ be. He did use to have a bike he rode to and from work but it got crushed under one of his neighbor’s cars and was completely irreparable, meaning he had to walk to and from work leading to him eventually stopping showing up at all.

Prone to zoning out, either lost in thought or just kind of a gap where he really isn’t there. He enters a state of auto-pilot, his mind either unraveling a thread that got too messy or trying to boot back up, it can lead to him accidentally hurting himself by either tripping over something or if he’s doing something like needlework, partially why he doesn’t cut his own vegetables very much.

In addition to that, he’s got a lot of small nicks and cuts on his hands, it’s not that he’s klutzy, just sometimes unaware of his surroundings. The only time he’s been fully, 100% there and in the moment instead of fretting over the past or future was during the events of Postal 1, and even then it was more because he was in a state of a very high adrenaline rush trying to stay alive. He most likely had to be hospitalized by the end of it, considering how far he’s walked as well as the inevitable blood loss and bullet wounds even if he’s using first aid kits.

When he’s unemployed his sleep schedule is a rotating nightmare, he starts with waking up incredibly early and progressively sleeps at later and later times until he ends up getting up by nighttime and falling asleep in the morning. When he isn’t, his sleep schedule is a bit better, but due to bouts of insomnia he sometimes has to run on basically nothing for the entire shift. At this point he could probably sleep standing up, or at least start to before waking up in a jolt of panic.

I feel like as a kid he was pretty gullible, though that was half because his parents didn’t teach him better and half because the world seemed so strange already, it was hard for him to tell lies from reality. As an adult he’s gotten better about being skeptical, fool him once shame on him, but you won’t fool him twice. At least if he can help it you won't. In exchange however, this has made him very skeptical of genuine things as well, even positives.

Even before The Incident he had an interest in guns, as I said in my previous headcanons post I imagine he was taught how to use them by his dad, but he’s mostly fascinated by how they work. Maybe a little too curious for his own good towards them. He could find himself staring endlessly at something like a handgun trying to figure out how it worked and looking into its different mechanisms and little design quirks.

If he wasn’t afraid of accidentally blowing his arm off and of the government tracking his package orders to get parts, he probably could have made his own firearms. It doesn’t help either he finds this an incredibly hard hobby to just discuss casually to others especially considering his already ‘off’ look to others, so he often just keeps his mouth shut about it and enjoys it in the privacy of his own home.

He’s had a couple relationships, some mutually, some more one sided through his own ideas of the person and how their relationship would be. With new partners he tries to give an impression of being ‘normal’ VERY hard, almost walking on eggshells because he’s worried about them seeing his true colors. In a way, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy as he starts to burn out on having to mask his actual personality, leading to a very sudden cold shoulder and often the relationships were dropped right there as the expectation of how he was suddenly broken and they had to see him at his worst.

For the ones he imagines, it’s always from a distance as he finds it incredibly hard to even initiate contact with someone he’s into, incredibly petrified of coming off as weird. Still, when he crushes on someone, it becomes a small bout of fixation until they either get freaked out by him and distance themselves or the daydream fades away. He had tried lying about being in a relationship with a past crush of his, but she eventually found out and was well, frankly disturbed and disgusted by his actions.

He’s partially a romantic, at least compared to the other dudes, however it’s mostly in theory and far less in practice. He has a lot of thoughts about romance and doing grand gestures, but as mentioned before actually getting that off the ground is practically impossible if the person doesn't know how he is going in. If they do get past that initial crash, he does try to be traditionally romantic, just not entirely well. He got you flowers. Or well, a single flower. That he hurriedly yanked out of his neighbor’s garden so he wouldn’t notice him so it’s kind of crumpled up. There’s also still a clump of dirt stuck to the stem.

He had tried to go to therapy, mostly at the insistence of family after noticing his isolation and volatile nature, but he finds it very hard to open up to health professionals. There’s a feeling of disconnect with him and them, either with his past therapist or the psychiatrists evaluating him at the end of Postal 1. It’s hard to open up, even harder to do so to someone writing down things about you like you’re a lab rat in a test, or at least that’s how he feels about it. Eventually due to being busy, visit rescheduling was forgotten and he figured it was best to not remind them.

His dreams tend to be very strange and slightly unsettling when he can remember them, semi lucid at times but in places he REALLY does not want to be conscious. He figures it’s best to avoid thinking about them, trying to parse any meaning from them just leaves him panicked about what it could mean for his future or what it means inside his head. Usually sleeps curled up in a sort of fetal position, he snores but in very long gaps, so you may be a little worried seeing him laying there and breathing so softly it looks like he isn’t alive until he lets out a loud snore.

Not actually much of a drinker, he already deals with fairly frequent headaches and the thought of getting black out drunk and doing god knows what worries him. He’s mainly only a social drinker to try and get that ‘liquid confidence’ but since he’s not really getting invited out to drink or inviting anyone IN his tolerance is pretty low.

Drink of choice is really just shitty canned beers, it’s what he can afford and while he hates the taste, when he needs to be drunk it gets the job done. I don’t think he’s on the same level of drug cocktail that Postal 2 and onward dudes are on, but he’s probably experimented with some pot before. Hallucinogenics would be a fucking awful idea though, don’t give him those.

His hallucinations tend to get worse and worse the more tired he is, he mostly experiences visual hallucinations as well as audio-based ones, but also some physical ones too. It’s kind of a sign that he needs to book it to bed once he starts noticing them ramping up worse and worse. Sometimes he does not get the luxury of being able to go right to sleep though, those are his least favorite times to be awake.

He can be pretty protective, both of his things and people in his life. In terms of his belongings, he’s worried about them getting broken leading to him kind of hovering over people who borrow things from him and making sure they aren’t too rough with them even to the point of coming off to others as obnoxious about it. It’s not that he means to come off as rude, he’s just very worried since he has to kind of hold onto them a while and gets attached.

In terms of people however, it’s a mixture of his brewing savior complex and desire to keep those who can stand him from getting hurt on his watch. Mostly in terms of making sure something won’t fall on them with his height advantage, stepping in to do more dangerous things, it can come off a little patronizing but he means well. If you come at him gently about it and explain he’ll back off, but there’s still that air of anxiousness to him, that fear of something terrible happening extending outwards to others as well.

Very much prone to a black and white view of the world. Good and bad, right and wrong, he was taught over and over what they were, so breaking from that is hard for him. And he wants to do good, he wants to do so much good and make others happy, but the world is a messy shade of gray that he just. Can’t comprehend sometimes. Good people are supposed to protect others, not harm them, he knows that. But sometimes you have to hurt a few to protect the many, at least that’s his justification for it all.

And to end this on a kinder note i wanted to share things that reminded me of him but i don't want to potentially spam to random tags cause tumblr search is weird, so small collage of stuff that makes me think of him

#postal 1 #postal dude #postal #postal headcanons #thats right this bitch is even LONGER than my last one. i scratched back in my brain for these ones <3 #holding him gently babygirl you may have no canonical story but im writing so much shit for youuuu #he has firmly buried himself right in my brain and im thinkin about him very very much #and i hope yall enjoy my ramblings <3

34 notes · View notes

brynalyn · 3 months

Note

hi bryn! I hope youre having a lovely day and this news doesnt impact that, but glip had a huge tantrum about you on their glip cohost and all you gotta know about it is that it starts with "I didn't read what bryn said". I hope you have a lovely rest of the day!

Oh yeah I saw that loooll. I made some posts about my experience on cohost and also just ranted a bit after seeing that… I’m honestly not interested in reading it since they wouldn’t even read what I wrote, like what the fuck? And, I have some idea of the things they might have to say…. the majority of the time I was in the discord I was already made to feel extremely guilty about my many awful crimes of I guess, social ineptitude?, normal human emotional range? and, my awful crimes of talking to people while in severe emotional distress after my dox, and how I tried to push for Glip to kick my doxxer for my and others safety/ my mental well-being (you can imagine how that made me feel but I’ll go into that more later.). I got basically a guilt/shame complex from the continued barrage of guilt trips both public and private about past social faux pas(mainly coming from pengo but not exclusively). So yeah, I’m sure I have some idea what they’re ranting about.

But fr I really don’t want to give any more of my time to someone who won’t even do the bare minimum like read my actual written experience. If I need to address something else, or anything, I am more than happy to address it! I can take full accountability for anything, or explain how I took accountability and changed in the past. I’m not afraid to own that part of me. But im sure it’s all putting me in this awful light at a point in my life where I was suffering intense emotional distress and it was made worse bc of glips non moderation. Directly after my dox I had some major emotional mental spirals, intense paranoia and delusions, and also strong desire to fawn/gain scceptance. I was a mess. It’s embarrassing, but also, I haven’t acted like that before or after getting doxed and having to share a server with my doxxer while no one else but Glip and pengo (and maybe a coup,e more people?) knew they had doxxed me, so I can truly say it was the result of the situation I was in. And the guilt trips about my mental spiralling did not help it just made me feel like they were just kicking me when I was down. I am still ashamed of that part of my life bc I felt so completely helpless and lost. The situation made me feel alone and literally insane and I was actually getting delusions that there were, like, multiple people stalking me in the server bc of the mental stress of seeing someone I felt scared, terrified of, getting a warm welcome and no one knowing what they did to me it felt fucking awful. So yeah! That’s my story. I’m happy to answer any questions.

#floraverse #glitchedpuppet #pengosolvent

6 notes · View notes

straydogkins · 2 months

Note

hey, i was just wondering what do you think is wrong with IRLs? I thought that they couldnt control their beliefs. I dont want to start an argument or anything ive just never heard of that being bad before

Hi anon, I will answer this to the best of my ability just know that it's early morning and I am somewhat upset about an unrelated event so I may not be entirely coherent.

To start with I want to make something very clear: We have PNOS, it's been diagnosed. We've had delusions, hallucinations, paranoia, impared speech abilities, brain fog, ect. for 6 years (probably longer before it was picked up on and treated) alongside this and we're on antipsychotics. So I will be talking from the point of view of someone who has a psychotic disorder and knows what they're talking about in regards to psychotic disorders from lived experience.

Now for the main issues of this ask: It's not the delusions we have issues with. You can't control your delusions. I know this, in the past we've had 'delusional attachments' (medically they are classed as a form of delusion of grandeur, so that's what we will probably call them through out this post) that we're either a fictional characters and religious figures. It's just a thing that can happen when you're psychotic.

However, the issues we do have with these people are with the community, the language used in said community, and the attitudes that are common in there.

Let's start with the 'less important' medical stuff: 'Delusional attachments' and 'IRL' are terms made up by the community. This is not an inherently bad thing, for example in the DID community we have several terms (ie EC-DID) that aren't medical that people use for clarification and there's no inherent issue with this. However, my issues with the medical side is when people act like it is an official diagnostic term/thing for psychotic disorders because it isn't and never has been.

Now the real issues deep rooted in the community (and my main issue): The Encouragement of delusions and attitudes towards psychotic and schizo-spec individuals.

If someone is having a delusion (regardless of if it's harmful or not) You shouldn't encourage it (it will push the person further into the delusion) or reality check them (will cement the belief instead of discouraging it a lot of the time). Although complicated, it's important to walk the line between the two and not encourage the delusions or make the person feel like they aren't being listened to or mocked. The community is... Not like this at all.

Say I believed I was Hastune Miku and in that community, it would be Very common and encouraged to call me Miku and act as if I'm Hatsune Miku irl. This will encourage the delusion that I am Miku and send us deeper into a psychotic episode.

Another thing from our experience actually being in the community, 'DA's' are treated as the Only Psychotic Symptom people experience.

For example, we have seen people claiming to be psychotic and they Only have the firm belief they are [character], this is a major issue for us because psychotic disorders (even on a base level) always have comorbid symptoms (disorganized speech, hallucinations, ect) which is an issue for a community that claims to only be for people with psychotic disorders.

Which leads to people actively trying to give themselves psychotic symptoms, being pressured into saying they have symptoms inorder to belong, or just flat out lying about being psychotic.

This can then also lead to some really wild hostility towards people whose delusions are 'undesirable' (ie believing that you're dead, that everyone around you have been replaced, ect ect) I've seen people with delusional attachments harass and trigger people with psychotic disorders- Even in the community I've seen people who are doubles interacting with other doubles with the sole reason of wanting them to spiral for being a double.

Long post short: We have no issues with the delusion of being [character], it's the community at large we have issues with.

Alternative readings

An essay written about the term Delusional attachment (with medical sources)

Tumblr user strawberrybabydog has a really good tag talking about the issues with the term, the community, all of it

There's a few cards out there but I don't link linking them because I don't know who wrote them and some of them are lacking in info imo.

#🪼 | talking #🪼 | asks #ask to tag #i hope this explains it!!#currently rbs are off because. people are cruel. but we may turn them on at some point #�� | faq

2 notes · View notes