#and i cant even get into see a doctor about any of this until october despite scheduling the appointment way back in fucking APRIL

[whydidoth]

.

#super cool for my legs to just stop working so i get to be in a ton of pain and nauseous and can also barely even move #and i missed class yesterday because i could literally barely move my legs without crippling pain #but i was at least functional enough today to go even though whats normally a fifteen minute walk across campus became a forty minute walk #and also probably undid whatever healing my rest day did so now im stuck in bed again #and i got to find out that the building my class is in is wildly inaccessible #the only elevator is literally in a different building and there's a slope that is definitely too steep to be ada compliant #and also the elevator is behind a door in a dinky corridor and the door its behind doesnt have a fucking button for it to open itself #and all this time im just thinking about how ive been told i shouldnt use a mobility aid because itll lead to my muscles degrading #like idk man!! #but i think maybe being able to use my legs at all even if theyre. #a bit weaker is probably preferable to not being able to move at all!!! #and i cant even get into see a doctor about any of this until october despite scheduling the appointment way back in fucking APRIL #because we live in an absolute nightmare of a healthcare system #and if i get told by one more medical professional that i should stretch and workout more i think im not legally liable for ripping #their fucking heads off #newsflash!!! i do already workout on the days i can move my legs!!!!! #and shockingly #it isnt a common symptom of not working out to get crippling leg pain or else wed probably have a lot more people needing wheelchairs #or getting told to eat healthier #i do eat healthily bit fuck you if i have to put up with chronic pain i should at least be entitled to eating food i like #oh maybe if you only eat uncooked broccoli and work out twenty three hours a day you might have the privelege of maybe improving your legs #obviously since i didnt have the good sense to be born able bodied

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

obviously these things are not all on the same scale but the compounding of personal, communal, and global events just have me 🫠

- End of Sept my beloved childhood dog had to be put down

- October 7th, Hamas attack

- October 9th, get a call from my dad that he’s flying in because grandma unexpectedly took a downturn

- October 10th, nervously waiting for my dad’s update all day. Finally get it and hear that things are critical but stable. He feels optimistic after talking to the doctor. He was able to talk to her too. She’s too tired in the evening because dialysis is tiring,but I should visit tomorrow.

- October 11th wake up early and can’t go back to sleep. Go get coffee just for something to do. Gets call at 6:58 from my dad and I know it can’t be good. Go to the hospital. See her. Give the doctors permission to start palliative care so she’s more comfortable. Hold her hand. Give her so many forehead kisses. She cant talk, but she tears up when I tell her how much I love her and my future plans. My dad is wearing a stupid fucking pro-cop shirt and I can’t help but be angry about how clueless he is and for adding this stupidity to a day that’s going to be etched into my brain for the rest of my life. Every 15 minutes or so when the nurse checks in, they remind us that there no rush, but we can take her oxygen mask off whenever we are ready. When are we ready? How are we ever ready? We know she doesn’t want to be kept on life support. Are we ready? We know she is experiencing some discomfort all hooked up like that. Are we ready? Let’s wait for one more person to get here. Are we ready? We wish she could tell us what she wanted. Are we ready? After everyone got to say goodbye. I think my partner was the one to finally suggest that it was time and I agreed. Or was it me who said it? My dad was looking for any input. An only child, not wanting to make these decisions alone. I slip into my historic role of eldest daughter, not even much younger than him anymore, knowing a decision is better than no decision. My sister and I each have one of her hands. As soon i can no longer hear her last exhale, the doctor comes in to declare her time of death. People spend different amounts of time after. My sister has to go back to work. My dad stays around, then says he’s going to grab his sweatshirt from his truck, then texts and says he’s going to find somewhere for us to get brunch. I spend about an hour with her after she was gone. Holding her hand, kissing her forehead, rubbing her arm until it’s completely cold. It takes longer than I’d thought. I keep a lock of her hair. It’s hard to leave her bedside. Next time I touch her body it will be pulverized bone that I’m trying to scoop into a locket. My partner and I get brunch with my dad.

This grief is by far the most difficult thing I’ve had to deal with in my life, and I don’t think my life has been particularly easy. She was the source of unconditional love I could depend on in my life. She was only 68 so I took for granted there would be more time. I’m able to cling to knowing that she was ready even if I wasn’t, that she had a peaceful death with people she loved. Meanwhile I’m seeing headlines every day grief multiplied over and over again, learning more about the attack, learning more about the Israeli military response escalating, bombings, bringing more and more death and grief. Violent deaths with last moments that haunt and terrify me. Deaths where the mourners do not get the comfort that I’ve been clinging to. Grieve for Jews and I have people who I consider my peers deciding that this means I’m some sort of right wing nationalist who doesn’t give a shit about Palestinians. Grieve for Palestinians, and people in my community think I’m some sort of self hating jew who believes terrorists attacks are justified. Feeling rejection on multiple fronts when shit is real. Even writing it I can hear a response of “really, feeling rejection is hurting you? People are dying!” And it’s like YES- people dying doesn’t mean that suddenly we no longer experience the human need for connection AND the thing that’s causing this rejection is seeing people’s humanity and CARING ABOUT THOSE DEATHS.

Really I just don’t know how a person can’t see their own grief and pain reflected back again and again in other people.

Don’t really have a point to this aside from the fact that this is definitely warping my brain in new and exciting ways but just shout out to people who are dealing with Major World Events and Major Life Events at the same time time. It sucks ass.

#tw grief #death tw #do not clown on this post or I will go insane

[crystalninjaphoenix]

Flashbacks & Forewarnings

A JSE Fanfic

There are a lot of different scenes in this one, but don’t worry, it’s not too long. About medium length for my fics, I’d say. First of all, we get a peek into one of JJ’s memories. Then we check in on Dr. Laurens and Schneep, see how they’re doing since it’s been a while. And there’s some minor other stuff as well. I know it seems like it’s a day late, but that’s because I’m moving my fic-posting day to Monday. Hope you guys like this one!

You can find the other stories under the pw timeline tag!

Midafternoon sunlight was streaming through the window. Jameson leaned over to look out the window, glancing downward at the street a few stories below. Then he took his watch out of his pocket and checked the time. Almost four o’clock already? It was almost time to leave. JJ began tidying up, starting the process of going home and getting things ready for the next person to man the desk.

“Hmm? Oh, are you leaving, Mr. Jackson?” Claire, the intern, noticed his cleaning up. 

JJ nodded. He paused for a moment, grabbing his notebook and pen from the surface of the desk nearby. Do you know who’s on the next shift?

Claire paused for a moment to read the question; though she was trying to learn BSL, she wasn’t able to hold a conversation yet. “Uhh...I think it’s Mr. Haddock,” she said.

That was what he suspected. Do you think you can handle things until he arrives? JJ asked. He didn’t want to put too much pressure on Claire—she was only sixteen, after all.

“Yeah, no problem,” she said. “Uhh...I just have to monitor the phone, right?”

JJ nodded again. Accepting phone calls was the highest priority part of the job, and also the only thing he couldn’t do. Sending emails, making sure things were filed correctly, getting things from the supply room, all that was alright. But not the phone, for obvious reasons. Luckily, answering phone calls usually fell to the interns. Don’t be afraid to ask Mr. Patterson for help. It should only be ten minutes or so until Timothy arrives, but just to be sure.

“Thanks, Mr. Jackson. Oh! Uh, wait.” Claire made a simple gesture. Thank you.

JJ smiled encouragingly. You’re picking that up quick!

“Really?” Claire brightened up. “Thanks!” She repeated the sign.

JJ stood up, gathering his stuff. I’ll see you tomorrow, he signed, edging around the desk and heading towards the elevator.

“See you.”

Now heading on his way down, Jameson checked his bag, pulling out his phone. Huh...it seemed he had quite a few texts from Chase. He scrolled through the notifications, ending up at the first one, which read: Hey J, remember that thing the detectives called me about ths morning? About Jackie? The second one read: Did you get my last text? The third one read: JJ i really have to talk to you about this. Should i call Marv first? And so on with increasing urgency.

Reading through the messages, Jameson could feel his pulse rising, tense. He’d almost forgotten about the events of that morning. A long day at work was bound to do that. The question had always sort of been lingering in his mind, though. They’d found some sort of break in Jackie’s case. That had to be a good thing, right? A pessimistic part of him pointed out that a “break in the case” didn’t always mean they’d found the missing person. Sometimes it meant they’d found the missing person’s body—

Jameson stepped out of the elevator, forcibly leaving that thought behind. It wasn’t the case this time. It couldn’t be. Even though he hadn’t known Jackie as long as Chase or Marvin had, he still knew him. And he knew he wasn’t the type to go down easily. Quickly, he opened up his texts and started replying to Chase. Sorry I didn’t see any of this, I was at work :( Just got off the lift now. What happened?

Chase didn’t respond for a minute or so, long enough for JJ to walk out of the building and into the crisp October air. But his reply came soon. Oh I forgot about that! Im so sorry.

No no, it’s not your fault. But do tell what happened. What did the detectives say?

The little typing bubble stayed up for a long time. JJ had arrived at the close-by bus stop by the time Chase finally said what he was planning. Uh...actually, can i call you about this? I know you cant answer, and you can say no, i just think itll be easier to say instead of type.

That...wasn’t a good sign. Sure? Jameson typed slowly. I can whistle or something if you need a response.

Immediately, his phone started ringing. JJ almost instinctively declined the call, but caught himself just in time and picked it up. Chase’s voice came through easily from the other side. “JJ? You there, bro?” JJ whistled a yes. “Okay good. Okay. Uhh...this is weird, not being able to see you. But anyway. The thing this morning. The good news is that Schneep’s first doctor showed up! So now he’s gonna have one that doesn’t hate him.” Chase laughed, a bit nervously. “But, uh, I dunno if she’ll go back right away. Because, uh...that’s the bad news. She disappeared because she got kidnapped. By the same person who kidnapped Jackie. And kidnapped Schneep before that. And...” Chase sighed. “You were right. The person who did that is this Anti.” He paused. “Are...are you still there?”

Jameson took a moment to react. And when he did, he hung up. So...it was him.

God, what were the odds? What were the goddamn odds that the two of them would end up in the same place once again?! True, this city wasn’t too far away from the town they lived in before. But he’d always thought Aneirin was the type to stay in a town like that.

Well, at least he didn’t know Jameson was here...

——————

Jameson set down his book, checking the clock. It was a little past eight at night. Naturally, his eyes drifted over to the calendar afterwards. It was a month behind, still reading June 2007.

The front door slammed open downstairs. JJ jumped, then slid a bookmark into the pages of his novel and stood up, heading out the door and down the stairs.

“Hey, Jamie.” Aneirin smiled at him as he came downstairs. “Picked up dinner real quick. Sorry for being late.” He set a bag of McDonald’s down on the nearby coffee table and sighed, reaching upward to make sure his eye-patch was in place.

It’s fine, JJ signed. You’ve been busy lately.

“Yeah, uh...speaking of which.” Aneirin cleared his throat. “I have to go out again later tonight.”

JJ slumped a bit. You sure?

“Yeah...work shit, you know how it is.” Aneirin shook his head. “But hey, I mean, without my work, we wouldn’t have a house, so I’ll take it.”

That was true. Though...Jameson still wasn’t sure what exactly Aneirin did for work. It had odd hours, and Aneirin was hesitant to talk about it, in a way that JJ had initially shrugged off, but was now starting to seem a bit odd. He’d been living with him for a year now, wasn’t it weird that he didn’t know what his brother did? Alright, JJ signed hesitantly. But you owe me.

Aneirin smiled. “I’ll buy you another book.”

I have a lot of books, Aneirin. I haven’t even read them all.

“Something else, then. Whatever you want. Within reason, of course.” Chuckling, Aneirin headed through the doorway into the kitchen. Inside, JJ heard the sound of the coffeemaker—a new addition—starting up.

Frowning, Jameson poked his head into the kitchen doorway. He knocked on the wood, but Aneirin didsn’t turn around, focused on the coffeemaker. “Aan...?” JJ called.

“Hmm?” Aneirin looked over at him.

You aren’t supposed to be holding hot things.

“Jesus christ, I’m not a baby, Jamie.”

Just...remember what happened last time? Jameson pointed out at him. You burned yourself. I’m just worried.

“Yes, but now I know what not to do.” Aneirin shrugged, and turned around. “Besides, the mug will stay on the counter most of the time. So no need to overreact.”

JJ frowned, but left anyway, heading back upstairs to grab his book. He’d move downstairs to finish it, just in case Aneirin ended up needing help.

A couple hours passed. If the past was any indicator, Aneirin would be leaving around this time. JJ made a big show of yawning, and glancing over to the couch where Aneirin was sitting, eyes fixed to the TV but not really paying any attention to the show that was on. Standing up and grabbing his book, JJ signed, I think I’ll go to bed now.

Aneirin responded, “Alright.” without looking away from the screen. Go to bed was one of the sign phrases he could understand even out of the corner of his eyes.

JJ headed up the stairs, slowing down once he reached the second story. He walked over to his room, opening the door and closing it without going inside, instead just waiting in the hall. Immediately, he heard the television downstairs turn off. Footsteps crossed the living room and headed outside. The front door opened and shut. Jameson put his book on the floor next to his room and carefully crept down the stairs, sticking near the walls to avoid the creaks. He made a slight detour to grab his cell phone from the kitchen drawer where it was kept. Then once back in the living room, he crouched close to the ground and crawled over to the front window, peeking outside.

In the driveway, Aneirin was checking something in the trunk of his car. Well, technically, Aneirin always called it “our car,” but he was the only one who drove it. JJ didn’t know how to drive yet. And even if he did, he didn’t have a job and it was the middle of summer vacation, so where would he even need to go? Or at least, those were some of the reasons Aneirin listed when explaining why he wouldn’t teach Jameson how to drive. JJ watched as Aneirin closed the car trunk, and started walking down the block, as he always did when he went out working late at night.

After making sure Aneirin was far enough away, JJ rushed out the front door and over to the car. He opened the door to the back seat and climbed inside, squeezing into the space between the seats where you would normally put your feet. They kept a spare blanket in the car, and Jameson reached over and tried to cover himself, attempting to make it look like the blanket was naturally falling off the seat. Then he waited.

Just a few minutes later, the driver’s side door opened, and he heard Aneirin get inside. The car soon started, and headed out, with Aneirin having no idea Jameson was in the back seat.

He was tired of not knowing anything about where Aneirin went. And if he wouldn’t tell him, JJ would find out by himself.

They drove for a surprisingly long time, long enough for Jameson to start aching from being in this uncomfortable twisted position. He couldn’t exactly tell where they were going from his hiding spot, but he didn’t hear anything unusual, apart from the occasional strange commercial on the radio channel Aneirin was listening to. But of course, the car eventually stopped, and Aneirin climbed out. The locks thunked shut after he left.

Jameson waited a few minutes before sitting up and pushing the blanket aside. Looking out the car windows, he blinked in surprise. This...wasn’t what he was expecting. Instead of being parked outside some building on the outskirts of town, the car was pulled into a small gap in between two large, looming buildings. There was no light coming from them, and only the faint, watery street lamp beams to illuminate anything. Why would Aneirin have driven here...?

After a moment’s hesitation, Jameson unlocked the car door and stepped out. He walked out onto the street, finding it lined with similar tall, wide buildings. Where was this place? Some sort of storage? Why wasn’t anything lit up? JJ shivered, reaching into his pocket to double-check that his cell phone was there. He should find Aneirin, make sure that he was okay.

He looked left down the street, saw nothing, and looked right. There was a group of three people standing beneath one of the weak street lights. With them being the only people in sight, JJ headed in their direction. Eventually, he started picking up voices.

“—kid’s been a runner for three years, cut him some slack.” An unfamiliar female voice.

“No one gets slack at all.” An unfamiliar male voice. “Not even us, Kelly.”

“Still, he does his job.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” And that...that was Aneirin’s voice. Though strangely, his accent, a bit Irish from the years he’d spent being a foster kid in that country, had thickened. “Just give me the green.”

Jameson ducked around a corner of a building, peering out at the group of three. A man, a woman, and Aneirin. He watched as Aneirin handed over a backpack, and the man handed him a case. What was this? It seemed...shady. Aneirin couldn’t really be involved in something like this, right? 

The woman leaned closer to Aneirin, lowering her voice so it couldn’t be heard from where Jameson was watching. But judging from the way Aneirin tensed, whatever she was saying wasn’t good news. Aneirin responded in an equally low tone, and the man suddenly laughed. “You?! Tiny thing like you? Obvious blind spot and likely to collapse at any time? Nah, lad, we’ll go with the professionals.”

That was exactly the wrong thing to say. Aneirin bristled, and even from here Jameson could see the anger in his expression. “Easy there,” the woman said, her tone patronizing. “You wouldn’t want to fall down, would you?”

Aneirin lunged at her, and a scream rang out through the empty street. The woman stumbled back, turning enough so that Jameson could see the way her front was stained red. “You little—!” The man grabbed Aneirin by his jacket, and JJ couldn’t help but cry out.

He didn’t think it would be audible to the group, but both the man and Aneirin looked over toward him. JJ’s eyes widened, and he ducked behind the building. “Oh, you brought a friend, didn’t you, you little bastard?!” The man yelled. “Looks like you, too! Family field trip, is it?”

“Hey! Back off!” Aneirin snarled. It would’ve been intimidating, if not for the nervous crack in the middle.

“Oh no, I don’t think so!”

Jameson heard footsteps running towards him, and instantly took off, running down the gap between the buildings. But the man was much faster, and the footsteps grew louder. Jameson glanced over his shoulder, and the man was just a few feet away. He gasped, and pushed himself farther, turning onto another street, then running into another gap in an attempt to shake the man off.

“Don’t you run, you—AAARGK!”

The strange noise wasn’t enough to stop JJ from running. He continued to weave around the gaps in the buildings, until he arrived back at the one the car was parked in. He tore open the backseat door and practically threw himself inside, locking it behind him. He fell onto the floor of the car and stayed there, sitting, knees pulled to his chest and his heart pounding in his throat. His eyes were fixed on staring through the dirty glass of the car window.

A figure appeared there. Jameson made a strangled sort of sound, backing up. The figure knocked on the glass, then a flashlight turned on, shining into the car. Jameson blinked in the light, then squinted through it, recognizing Aneirin as the one holding the flashlight.

Aneirin pointed towards the driver’s side door, and disappeared, rounding around the car. The locks thunked, and Aneirin opened the door and climbed inside. “Jamie?” he called.

Jameson didn’t relax, but leaned forward, into the spot between the driver’s seat and the passenger seat.

“Oh my god!” Aneirin grabbed JJ’s head, one hand on either side, and pulled him even closer. “What were you thinking?! What are you even doing here?! Did you follow me? Why the fuck would you do that?! There’s a reason I don’t tell you what I do!”

Jameson was stunned into silence for a moment. He let Aneirin continue on in a similar vein for a while, then slowly signed, I was just curious.

“Curious?! I—” Aneirin leaned back, burying his face in his hands and taking a few deep breaths. “You can’t...do stuff like that, Jamie,” he said. 

...I’m sorry, JJ signed hesitantly.

“It’s...fine, Jamie, just...just don’t do that again.” Aneirin sighed, looking out the windshield. “Who knows what could’ve happened to you?”

Jameson fell silent for a moment, then awkwardly climbed into the passenger seat, settling into it. What happened to the man? And the woman?

“They’re...dead,” Aneirin said slowly.

Did you kill them? Jameson asked, eyes wide and disbelieving.

“...yes,” Aneirin’s voice was barely audible.

Why?!

Aneirin opened the car door and leaned over outside, picking up something on the ground. He pulled the case from earlier into the car and threw it into the backseat. “Because we need money to live and shit, Jamie, that’s why. Someone offers you a lot, and all you need to do is...go back on your word, then you take it.”

JJ shook his head silently, shocked. Aneirin...have you done this before?

Aneirin shifted in his seat. “What, go to a regular drop-off then walk away with two people dead? No.”

Silence fell. Jameson dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

“What’re you doing?” Aneirin said, sitting up straight.

Calling 999, Jameson answered.

“Wh—no! You can’t do that!” Aneirin grabbed Jameson’s wrist, pulling it, and the phone he was holding, away. “Look, I know it looks bad, but there’s absolutely nothing to connect us to this. See? I’m wearing gloves, no fingerprints.”

Jameson stared at him, absolutely stunned. We can’t just let— he started to sign one-handedly.

“No, we have to. Jameson, if the police hear about this, they’re going to judge my place an unfit home, and me an unfit guardian, and they’re going to put you back in the system.” Aneirin tightened his grip on Jameson’s wrist. “I-I can’t let that happen! I can’t let you go back there! Who knows what’ll happen?!”

Jameson managed to pull his wrist away from Aneirin’s grip. They’re not going to put a seventeen-year-old into the foster system. I’m practically an adult.

“As someone who was recently seventeen, that’s debatable. And legally, you’re still a child. It doesn’t matter how close to eighteen you are, until your actual birthday, they’re not gonna let you go.” There was a strong bitter note in Aneirin’s voice. “I can’t...I’ve only had you back for a year, Jamie. After ten fucking years of wondering what happened to you. Please don’t...don’t leave.”

Jameson hesitated. Aneirin’s eyes were shining with a desperate light that could be seen even in the shadows the car was hiding in. And he had to admit, he didn’t want to leave his brother, either. He sighed gently, and put his cell phone down on the dashboard of the car. Alright, fine.

Aneirin practically wilted with relief. “Thank you so much, Jamie.” He twisted in his seat, starting the car. “I promise you won’t regret it.”

The car headed out, with Jameson and Aneirin sitting in silence. Jameson stared out the window, watching as they gradually traveled to a more well-lit part of the town. He expected them to head home. But instead, Aneirin headed to the town center, and parked outside a lit-up building. “Look,” he said, glancing in JJ’s direction. “I’m sorry about...the yelling, earlier. I was just stressed and worried. I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was angry with you.”

Jameson exhaled slowly. It’s okay, Aneirin.

“I’ll make it up to you,” Aneirin promised. “Look.” He nodded at the building they were parked outside.

Wait...JJ’s eyes widened. We’re going to Tompson’s?

“Yep.” Aneirin smiled. “Ice cream sounds good after tonight. Luckily they’re open late. You can get whatever you want, whatever size.”

Really? Anything? JJ asked doubtfully. Tompson’s was known for being relatively expensive, but also delicious. They usually saved it for special occasions.

“Of course. It’s on me.”

JJ looked back out the window. He started nodding, slowly at first, then faster. Well, alright then. Can’t do that in the car.

Aneirin laughed. “Course not. Hey, not even gonna say thank you?”

Jameson exhaled softly, and rolled his eyes. Aneirin was always like this. “Thhnk yu-yuh. Annn.” He could’ve signed it, but if Aneirin wanted that, he would’ve said ‘sign.’

“You’re welcome,” Aneirin smiled. “Now let’s go.”

The rest of the night was rather nice. Jameson almost forgot what had happened earlier. Almost. It turns out, these events would not be forgotten easily.

——————

...Jameson was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of his text alert going off. Jameson?? Are you oaky?? Whyd you hang up? Chase asked. It was quickly followed by a *okay

I’m fine, Chase, JJ replied. I just had to think for a moment.

Are you actually fine or just saying that?

Jameson thought hard about this question. I won’t lie. I’m a little...He paused, wanting to type out ‘scared,’ but that might be a bit too far. That was probably something he should talk over with his therapist on Monday; now was not the time to unload everything. ...shaken, hearing about this. But I’ll be okay, I promise.

Alright, if your sure, Chase said. But if you ever need anyone, Im right here.

Thank you, Chase.

The city bus finally pulled up to the station, and JJ hopped aboard, pressing his bus pass to the card reader before taking a seat. He stared out the window as the bus started rolling again. He couldn’t help but glance behind him, even knowing that nobody would be there.

——————

A few days passed, and Monday morning dawned cold and rainy. Dr. Laurens opened her umbrella as soon as she got off the bus, holding it with her unbroken arm. She sighed quietly. Well, looked like she had to walk to work today. And for a while, actually, until her arm was healed enough for her to drive again. She’d better get used to it.

A few drizzly moments later, Laurens stepped inside the main doors of Silver Hills. Awkwardly closing her umbrella, she walked up to the front desk. “Hi, I need to see Dr. Newson, is she in?”

The orderly at the desk looked up, and her eyes widened. “Oh my god, Rya?!”

“Hey, Theresa,” Laurens said, smiling tiredly. “Is Newson in?”

“Yes, I-I can page her—mother of god, what happened to you?” Theresa asked as she started messing with her pager. “You disappeared! Are you alright?”

‘Alright’? Well, that was debatable. The broken arm was not ‘alright,’ and Laurens was pretty sure there was a lot else that would not fit into ‘alright.’ But she’d waited this long. She’d spent time in the hospital, then practically begged to go home so she could get used to being on her own, without having to worry about threats to her life. But still, she couldn’t stop thinking about getting back to work. She knew Newson had taken over Schneep’s case, and she knew Newson hated him. How could she just stand by and leave this situation alone? So, if by ‘alright’ you meant ‘functional and willing to help others,’ then yes, she was alright. “I’m fine, thanks,” Laurens said. “Should I just wait for Newson here?”

“Uh...yeah, that would be great.”

Laurens took a seat in the reception area, looking around. It seemed a bit surreal to be back here after...everything with Anti and Jackie. Like she was last here years ago, instead of just a few months.

About five minutes later, footsteps came down the hall, and Laurens stood up as Newson appeared. Newson’s eyes immediately locked onto her, and she froze. “Wh—Rya?”

“Yes, it’s me,” Laurens stated.

Newson gaped at her, then rushed over to stand in front of her. “You’re okay! Oh my god, I—we were so worried!”

“Really?” Laurens asked, not bothering to hide the surprise in her voice. “I mean...from what I remembered, you were probably going to fire me—”

“No! I mean—I—” Newson stammered. “I didn’t want you to—look, I may have made a bit of a rushed judgement that day, and I...would hate for that to be the last thing I ever said to you. You truly are great at your job, a-and a great person as well. And I’m not going to fire you.”

“Great,” Laurens nodded. “In that case, can I take my patient back please?”

“Wh—” Newson seemed taken aback by the question stated so clearly. “I...mean...”

“Because I don’t believe that your methods work well with him,” Laurens said, voice and expression deadpan. “Unless something has changed in the two months I’ve been gone.”

“I...” Newson cleared her throat, collecting herself. “Of course you can take the case again. Do understand that I—hello, can I help you?”

Laurens turned around. A tall woman in a black raincoat had just entered the reception area, carrying a briefcase. “Actually, yes,” the woman said. “I’m looking for Dr. Jennifer Newson.”

“That would be me,” Newson said, patting down her coat and smiling cordially. “Do you need something?”

“Ah. My name is Aja Bakshi, I am from Henson & Singh At Law.” Bakshi set her briefcase on the reception desk, opening it up and slapping a piece of paper covered in type down on the surface. “My client wishes to sue you for malpractice, negligence, and abuse of power with your position. This is the notice, details are included on it, as well as my phone number.”

Newson was left speechless. She just stared at Bakshi, absolutely shocked, her wide-eyed gaping expression somewhat reminiscent of a fish. Laurens had to bite back a smile as the thought occurred to her. “Uh...” Newson finally said. “Who...who’s suing me?”

“Details are on the notice, Dr. Newson,” Bakshi said calmly. “We have scheduled a court hearing for the 23rd. We expect to see you there.” And with that, Bakshi snapped the briefcase closed, and turned on her heel and left, door swinging closed behind her.

“Uh...Dr. Newson, are you alright?” Theresa asked.

Newson didn’t answer, instead picking up the paper and scanning it over. “Maher...?” she muttered. “I know that name...”

“Well, I’ll leave you to that,” Dr. Laurens said. “For now, I’d like to see my patient. But I seem to have lost my keycard.”

Newson looked up sharply. “Uh...right. I’ll call Oliver Hopkins, he can take you to the room. Can you get a coat on with your arm like that? Dress code, and all. We have some in—”

“In the back room, I know,” Laurens said. “I’ll meet Oliver there, then.”

About ten minutes later, Laurens had made her way to the back room and pulled on a white coat over her cast before replacing her arm in her sling.

“...Doc?”

Laurens glanced over, watching as Oliver rounded the corner. She smiled. “Hello, Oliver. Your phone is poking out of your pocket, by the way. Be careful.”

Oliver laughed, and wiped his eyes. “Holy shit, you’re okay. I mean, your arm, but. You know.”

“I do know, thank you,” Laurens chuckled. She then sighed. “Anyway, I wanted to check on Schneep. I don’t think I’ll be able to start a session until tomorrow, after I get all the stuff sorted out for coming back, but I...just want to see if he’s alright.”

Oliver winced. “That’s a...that’s a good idea.”

Listening to his tone, Laurens was suddenly shot through with worry. Part of her had wondered if her concern was a bit strange, especially for a therapist-patient relationship, but that one sentence was proof she was justified. “Alright...let’s go down to his room, then.” Laurens turned and started down the hall.

“Uh, Doc?” Oliver called. “He’s not in his room. He’s in the quiet room.”

Laurens stopped, turning around to look at him. “...well,” she said. “Let’s get him out of there, then.”

“Yeah, uh. Good idea,” Oliver muttered. “I should probably tell you that he’s been in there a couple times, and he...doesn’t react well to it.”

“Of course he doesn’t,” Laurens muttered, already heading down the hall in the other direction. Honestly, they should just call the room what it actually was: solitary. She supposed it wasn’t a bad idea in principle; sometimes the more hostile patients needed a place to cool down where they couldn’t hurt anyone or themselves. But in situations like this, locking someone in a room alone did more harm than good. Especially now that she knew what had actually happened to Schneep in the nine months he disappeared.

The door to the quiet room looked identical to all the other rooms in the older wing of the hospital, with the only exception being that it didn’t have a room number. But once Oliver opened the door, it became clear what made this room so different. It was the only place in the entire building that had its walls padded, and there was no furniture inside except for a bedframe with a mattress but nothing else. Laurens stepped into the room, looking around. She quickly spotted the figure curled up on the floor in the corner. “Schneep?” She called softly.

Schneep had his arms wrapped around his head, but upon hearing his name, he flinched and moved them enough to see out at her.

“Hey, it’s me,” Laurens said, keeping her voice friendly. “Remember me?”

“Hm.” The small sound wasn’t a confirmation or a denial. Schneep’s eyes darted towards the doorway, with Oliver standing in it.

Laurens looked back towards the doorway as well. Get out of sight, she mouthed. Oliver looked hesitant, but stepped to the side, out of view. Laurens looked back towards Schneep, taking a few steps forward. “Schneep, I need you to answer me. Do you remember me?”

“...Jackie?” Schneep said, his voice hoarse.

“No, I’m not Jackie,” Laurens said. She took a few more steps forward, then got down to kneel on the floor. “You’re not with Jackie right now. You’re in the hospital, remember?”

This seemed to confused Schneep for a bit, but he loosened up, uncovering his head as he realized Laurens wasn’t a threat. “Hospital...” he muttered. “Which one?”

“Silver Hills,” Laurens said.

A short pause. “You are...not lying?” Immediately after asking the question, Schneep laughed. “You would say you are not, either way.”

“I wouldn’t lie about where you are, Schneep,” Laurens said quietly. “I wouldn’t trick you like that.” She paused for a moment, gauging Schneep’s reaction. “Do you need anything?”

“Do I...?” The question threw him off for a bit. “I...I do not want to be here. No, no. Not here.”

“Alright, then let’s go.” Laurens held out her hand, palm-up. Schneep flinched away for a moment, but then reached out and grabbed it. “We’re going to stand up now, okay?”

Schneep nodded, and Laurens unfolded herself from her kneeling position, awkwardly doing her best to stand up without using her arms. After a few moments of trying, she succeeded, and helped pull Schneep to his feet. He immediately stumbled, leaning against her. Laurens gasped slightly, noting the cloudy look in Schneep’s eyes and the way he was shaking a bit. There was no reason for him to be this heavily sedated. “How’re you feeling?” Laurens asked.

“Hmm...cotton,” Schneep said.

“I see. Can you walk?”

“I...I think so, yes.” Despite this assertion, when Laurens started to walk, Schneep only stumbled and almost fell.

“Whoa, take it easy,” Laurens said. “I’m going to call someone who can help, alright?”

“Al...yes.”

Laurens looked toward the doorway. Oliver had poked his head into view, making eye contact with her. She nodded, and he came into the room, silently lifting Schneep into a carrying position. Schneep didn’t protest. “We’re going back to your room, Schneep,” Laurens said. “Okay?”

Schneep paused. Then: “You are the doctor.”

“Yes, I am a doctor. So are you.”

“I know. I mean, you are...you stopped coming,” Schneep mumbled.

Laurens nodded. “Yes, but I didn’t want to. I would’ve kept coming if I could. But now I’m back.”

“Very good. Good that you are alright.” Schneep sighed. “Can we please leave here?”

“Yes, we’re leaving right now,” Laurens said. She started heading to the door, glancing back to make sure Oliver and Schneep were following her. They were.

She sighed gently. This was Newson’s fault, she knew it. But now, hopefully, they wouldn’t have to struggle with that for much longer.

—————— 

“Siri, what does GCS stand for?”

Jackie suddenly snapped to attention, almost hitting his head on the corner of the table. God, he hadn’t even heard Anti come into the room; he must’ve been buried deep in a daydream. Though, honestly, he couldn’t blame himself for that. It was much preferable to be in a daydream world than reality right now. In a daydream, he was able to forget about the cotton taste of the gag in his mouth, and the awkward angle his arms were handcuffed behind his back and around a table leg.

“Okay, I found this on the web,” said the robotic voice of Siri.

Anti was lounging on one of the apartment’s armchairs, dressed in an outfit that...wasn’t exactly his usual style. Jackie was oddly reminded of the way Chase dressed. Anti’s green glass eye had been replaced with a blue one, but he still had the old watch around his neck. “Three to five is good, then,” he muttered to himself. Anti glanced up, noticing Jackie staring at him. “Expecting something, hoodie man?”

Jackie flinched, and looked away, fixing his eyes on a water stain on the wall. He heard the sound of Anti shifting position, but didn’t look back.

Thwack!

A silver blade embedded itself in the wall inches from Jackie’s nose. Jackie cried out, flinging himself backwards and hitting his head against the table leg. Anti laughed. “God, you look like you just had a heart attack!” He paused. “Actually...Hey Siri, what do I do if someone has a heart attack?”

“Okay, I found this on the web.”

Jackie squeezed his eyes shut, trying to take deep, calm breaths. It was difficult, to say the least. Part of him wanted to shout at Anti, ask him what he wanted with him. The rest of him knew that would be a terrible idea, even if he could speak.

This wouldn’t last forever, would it? Something had to change. Or at least, that’s what he told himself.

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye fanfiction #jacksepticegos #septic egos #septic egos au #jameson jackson #antisepticeye #dr schneeplestein #jackieboy man #brigid writes fanfiction #pwtimeline

[depressed-x-bitch]

!!!trigger warning!!! this is a rant that mentions suixide, if you’re triggered by that please do not read!!! i love you and you matter!

i feel really weird. tomorrow it’ll be 2 years since i tried to kill myself and im not quite sure what to make of it or what to think of it. its weird to think its already been so long, and that i had so much hope for 2020. i had so much fucking hope that was just destroyed in front of me with each passing day that its almost surprising im still here. i dont know what happened. i never felt like i knew myself before, but at least i had an idea. now i look in the mirror and don’t even know the person im staring back at. i feel like im in such a weird phase of my life and i just want it to end. I want to move out of my parents house, i cant stand living with them. it feels like they’re holding me back from becoming the person i want to be. and honestly,, im mad. im mad at my parents. im mad at my parents for not doing their job. they had one fucking job when they brought me into this world, and it was to give me their time and effort to raise me to be a healthy woman, and im just not sure if they did that. i wont sit here and try to paint my parents as complete failures, because i know they love me, i know they care, i know they try, but its just not enough. they weren’t absent parents, they were there, i always had food, a warm home, and clothes on my back, thats not the department they lack in. they lack having and emotional connection with their child. my dad is pretty much oblivious to whats going on with me, he knows i have depression and everything, and always asks how i am or if im fine, but i can never actually tell him how i feel because he’s already ruined that opportunity when i was a kid by getting mad at me and yelling at me every time i didn’t answer him because i was too scared to answer. he got mad over small things because he has anger issues and it always really scared me, he even got mad at me once because he asked how i was and i told him i was fine but he didn’t believe me, and i was still very young at the time. he once got so mad he was screaming at me for like 5 minutes while i hid behind the couch by my door crying, waiting for him to finish yelling at me so i could go to my room and hide away from him while i sobbed. i remember after that, i sat behind my door sobbing, and that was the first time i ever thought about hurting myself. i was 8.. then my mom is, to put it simply, a bitch. she treats me like her little baby, but treats my cousin (who she WILLINGLY took in) like her personal fucking punching bag. then my other cousin she took in (he is very young) gets to call HER mom, but she is virtually NEVER here to take care of him. she doesn’t play with him, she barely does anything with him. but thats not a surprise to me because she didn’t play with me much when i was younger either, yet she was still my favorite because my dad scared me. (my dad is my favorite now because i can actually stand being around him sometimes, unlike my mom) she always has something snarky to say, shes judgy, and god forbid you need or want something in a timely manner. she always tries to hug me randomly and talk to me when im literally just walking around the house or trying to do something. its really annoying to be randomly forced into a hug when im not in the mood and im trying to do something. she forced me to go to psychiatrist appointments where she and the doctor had to try and pull any information out of me, i was made to take anti-depressants because they knew something was wrong, but not what.  i eventually switched doctors and made her stop coming in the room because i couldn’t talk with her around. but there was a time before the appointments where i was constantly trying to stay home because i was depressed and i always had to talk to her about staying home, and she would ask me what was wrong, and i tried to explain it but shes just not a good listener. it felt like all she was trying to do was solve the problem, she kept telling me things i needed to do that would “help me feel better” (exercise, taking vitamins, getting birth control etc, ik these help but you have to realize i was at a point in my depression where it was hard to just get out of bed, its a problem beyond that) and kept dismissing my feelings. it never felt like she listened because she really cared, it felt like she was just trying to get a quick solution, like she was just solving a problem. and then around march 2020 she stopped making my appointments randomly (without telling me!!!!) so eventually around july the question came up about what happened to my appointments and she said “well you seemed fine” so then around september or october i asked her to make me an appointment, she didn’t get to it until like november. got put back on my anti-depressant, so i asked her to go get the prescription for me. she couldn’t get it. and why couldn’t she do that, and why did it take so long for her to make an appointment ?  oh,, she was TOO BUSY. the pharmacy is on your way to work, you don’t work weekends, and the phone call to make an appointment doesn’t even last 5 minutes. but no, you were too busy to care about your daughters declining mental health. if she really hated how i hurt myself so much, you would fucking think she would take me seriously when i ASKED her for appointments. i asked you for help, my fucking MOM, the one person who is supposed to be there to help me no matter what, to help me, and she just couldn’t do it. she wonders why i treat her the way i do, and i have a fucking LIST of reasons. because she disappointed me, because i had hope she’d be there and she just wasn’t. shes too caught up in her own feelings and emotions that she don’t consider how others feel. i understand shes the adult, but she acts like the child. it always about what she wants, not what other people need. everyone thinks they’re good parents from the outside, but once you take a closer look and start to dive in, you’ll see that the best thing you can label them as is “mediocre parents” in conclusion, i can’t wait for the fucking day i move out of this hell-hole i call home.

#a depressed bitches rant #triggering content #tw triggers #tw suicice #tw depressing stuff #relapse #why do i even post these ??

[irl]

please help a trans man to stop being homeless

hey guys, my name is beck and im currently in the central florida/northeast orlando area. im also technically homeless. my roommate and i keep hitting rough patch after rough patch and theres no skin on us left to keep trying to scrape by.

TL:DR in 11/06/19 update

i lost my job close to the beginning of october due to me being physically incapable of doing the job. my friend recently lost her job as well due to them merging her department with another when the company got sold.

we have been trying to scrape by, and have had several job interviews each but we end up not being able to commit to the jobs because we just dont have enough money for gas to get to them. now we dont have enough money for renting a lot for our camper that we live out of either.

we have been parked for a while in parking lots with no electricity, water, or plumbing and we still have no way of getting anything stable. if you are or know anyone in the orlando area (preferably close to seminole county) that has a house or some land with even just electricity hook ups that would be willing to let us park our camper there, we would be able to do work around the place for them until we get a job and start getting paychecks coming in to actually pay for rent.

if you arent in that area or dont have a place but still want to help, even pocket change can make the difference right now because we have no money for gas or for food. we have been trying to utilize all the resources we can get our hands on but charities arent willing to help us with rent and the ones that are have a two month waiting list. we have a way to get really cheap groceries but that market is about an hour away from where we are right now.

if we can somehow get 116 bucks and change we could get a week parked at a local state park and at least be able to have water and electricity. im trans and i have pretty much no family and i have chronic pain and no doctor that ive been to yet has been able to diagnose me. my roommate has absolutely no family, she was raised in a cult, and has no one that can help either.

i hate begging in any capacity but we have been fighting this battle since june with no hope. if my roommates ex husband finds out we are homeless, he will file with the courts to get full custody of her son. he abuses her son and he wants nothing more than to be able to get away from his dad, and if he is able to get full custody, then my roommate will literally have nothing else to live for.

i dont have a goal for how much money we need because at this point, all we can hope to do is scrape by and hope for another week, hope that we are able to land a job somewhere and be able to actually get to the job. its terrifying and we have no outs.

if you would like my phone number either for contacting me about possible places we could park our camper, job offers, or even zelle, send me a message or an ask off of anon. i have cashapp and venmo, but both of those take days to transfer to my account. if you can only use those send me an ask or a message and ill give you that information.

my paypal is @ [email protected] (it has my dead name)

if you dont know anyone who could help and cant spare anything, that is completely okay. i would definitely still appreciate a signal boost so maybe someone who is able to help may be able to see it. thank you for your time, and i hope you find a reason to smile today.

#txt #donations #ok to rb #signal boost #abuse ment #cult ment #homeless #please spread #im really afraid

[chronicillschronicpills]

so hey, i just found ur blog and tbh im really looking for any advice i can get on dealing with chronic pain and fatigue? i dont mean to be a bother sorry! im just slipping into hopelessness with some people and even doctors not taking me seriously. i have done hours and hours of research and i think my symptoms may line up with sjogren's? it's just so hard for someone to look at my symptoms (even though they have been worsening since october 2019) since absolutely nothing shows up in my tests.

Hey!

This is not a bother at all. Also sorry if this is a late reply, my Tumblr never notifies me when I get messages so I have to manually check! 

So to start off with, I know exactly how you feel. I have been there. It is truly horrible and I am sorry you have to deal with this. There is a massive problem with doctors not taking young people, especially women, seriously when it comes to pain and fatigue. It’s always ‘stress’ or ‘depression’ or ‘in your head’ and it’s just really infuriating. It’s a terrible place to be in. 

I think this is a really important post. Its going to be LONG. 

I’m going to first address the issues with doctors not taking you seriously. 

It took me 7 years to get a diagnosis. This is NOT unusual. In fact, I’m almost positive that the average diagnosis time period for someone with lupus is 6 years. My first piece of advice is SELF ADVOCATE. This sounds easier than it is and it takes a lot of practice. I used to just burst into tears if I was trying to explain anything to a doctor. It is easier to self-advocate when you are calm and are clear about what you are going to say. To help with that, I suggest KEEPING A JOURNAL of your symptoms and have all your medical records in order. Make it in depth. Before an appointment, WRITE DOWN WHAT YOU ARE GOING TO TALK ABOUT. This way, you won’t forget anything. I like to reverse in my head how it is going to go. You really have to TAKE CONTROL of the appointment. You are allowed to demand certain things. I had to demand a referral to a rheumatologist when one of my shit GP’s refused to. He ended up giving me one, and on my first appointment with the rheumatologist, I was diagnosed and put on medication. It is important to DO RESEARCH but not too much. Don’t let the doctors know that you’ve done too much or they will think you’re a hypochondriac or something, maybe hurt their ego, who knows. You need to have a GOOD GP. If you don’t like your current GP, find a new one. Do research on good GP’s in your area. Ask your friends and family about theirs. Also, the best indicator for a doctor to know where you are at in my experience is saying MY QUALITY OF LIFE IS POOR. Describing your symptoms in-depth and how they affect your day to day functioning is important. Lastly, I always think you should BRING SOMEONE WITH YOU. Bring someone you trust, someone who knows about your condition. This is useful because they can back up what you say, they are there for support, and a doctor is less likely to treat you like shit with someone else present. You should also brief the person who is coming with you about what you would like them to do in the appointment. Do you want them to just stay quiet, or would you like them to sometimes talk or want them to take control of the appointment? 

My advice for chronic pain

Pain killers (it make seem obvious, but they really help). This is a touchy subject for a lot of people, as there are obvious problems with long term pain killer use, but they are great for PRN. There is a possibility a doctor will not prescribe you with them though. 

NSAID’s (Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs) can be helpful for pain

Tricyclic antidepressants are used to treat chronic pain

Topical treatments; I use tiger balm patches. These are the ones I use: https://www.amazon.com/Tiger-Balm-Plaster-Warm-Patches/dp/B07Q6WN9ZM. They help tremendously for me. I sometimes used tiger balm cream. Other good ones are Icy Hot vanishing gel and bengay. 

Pillows: I used 12 pillows to sleep with. I know it a lot. But it works really well for me. Experiment with pillows; between your knees, under your arm, behind your back, under your hip, under your legs, etc. I literally sleep on a bed of pillows. 

Reduce stress. High stress= more pain

Join support groups; I am on several FaceBook pages that talk about the issues that I have. This blog on Tumblr has been incredibly helpful. It’s good to have people who understand what you’re going through. 

I cannot exercise, but some people find it useful (i never did) 

Some people find meditation helpful (i do not)

Massages help but obviously, that’s not always accessible, they are expensive etc. 

My advice for chronic fatigue

Medications; depending on your diagnosis, some medications can help with chronic fatigue. The medicine that helps with my chronic fatigue is Plaquenil which is often used to treat fatigue-related with Sjogren’s. There are other medications that can help with the quality of sleep such as benzodiazepines and tricyclic antidepressants. 

Do not do too much activity (that has helped me, but for others moving and doing exercise and movement can help) 

Have a routine 

If you study, make sure you tell all your teachers and lecturers beforehand that you have a health issue that may impair your ability to come to class all the time or hand in assignments on time. In my experience, they have always been really helpful and understanding. 

I also studied a lot from home, using online resources. I also took fewer papers at university to make it more manageable for me.  

Look after yourself, make sure you eat good foods. A lot of people try different diets but they haven’t helped me personally but have been beneficial to a lot of other people. Definitely talk to your doctor about this though. 

Give yourself a break, do not be too hard on yourself if you cant do the things that others are doing 

Some doctors consider stimulant medication but I have not tried this

Lastly! Sjogren’s!

I know a bit about Sjogren’s because it’s related to the disease that I have. It is an autoimmune disorder. If you think you have Sjogren’s then you need to ask your GP to do blood tests associated with Sjogren’s such as rheumatoid factor, ANA, antibodies (anti-Ro (SS-A) and anti-La (SS-B) antibodies). Ask for a referral to a rheumatologist. SELF ADVOCATE. Do not stop until you find your answer. Also, get routine bloods. It is common for them to change over time. I

If any of my followers have Sjorgens and have any advice, please comment!

I hope this helped, I wish I could come up with more advice on how to deal with chronic pain and fatigue, but I know it is really hard. If any of my followers made it this far and have any tips, please add to this post and reblog it so that more people can see and add to it.

EDIT TO ORIGINAL POST

This information was supplied by a tumblr user called @graciecatfamilyband who actually has Sjorgens. They said:

 Blood work and other tests CANNOT rule Sjogren’s OUT. This makes it very difficult to diagnose 

30% of Sjogren’s patients will have negative blood work.Other tests may also not be sufficient, depending on where you are in your disease progress

Doctors are often undereducated about Sjogren’s and don’t see it as as serious as it is

Many patients will have neuro symptoms as well as other significant symptoms like fatigue before their lip biopsy focal score is 1 (which is considered “positive” for Sjogren’s).

https://www.sjogrensadvocate.com/ is a great resource for people who think they might have this disease. It also cites research articles you can show your doctor if you need to

They also offered to help out anyone who want to reach out to them if they have questions or need advice about Sjorgens and also, with diagnosis’s.

Keep in touch, let me know how it goes. Don’t be afraid to reach out and dm me.

Love Aston 

#ask #personal #asks #lupus #sjogrens

[radicalposture]

Hey, so were you diagnosed with autism/adhd as an adult? If you don't mind me asking, was that difficult to achieve? I'm 25, and I've often thought I might have adhd, but I've held off on looking into it because I hear it's extremely difficult and expensive to get it tested and diagnosed as an adult.

yes I only got diagnosed last october, I was 25 then too! it was kind of a weird journey for me, all of my siblings and my dad got diagnosed with autism or adhd one after the other and I was still saying “but I can’t really be autistic/adhd” right up until I actually got diagnosed lol. but since then my whole life suddenly makes sense for the first time and I really think things are gonna be ok! this applies to autism/adhd/other neurodiverse stuff but autism and adhd is what I know, but I hope it applies broadly as well

so unfortunately yes, it can be pretty expensive to get through the whole process. depends on where you live of course, I live in Ireland so even though we do have public healthcare I would probably have been on a waiting list for upwards of two years to see a terrible psychologist who didn’t know anything about adhd/autism so I went to a private psychologist. I already knew her pretty well bc my siblings had been to her and I knew she knew what she was talking about and I felt comfortable with her. seeing her cost me around €900 which is definitely a lot, different psychologists have different rates but the price can go up depending on what tests u get done. the more tests you do the more expensive it will be as a general rule (at the same time I saw a different psychologist who had a lower flat rate so idk what the “rules” are about this tbh) I got a standard assessment as well as autism and adhd tests which is why it was so expensive. it used up pretty much all my savings lmao but after getting a diagnosis I was able to apply for disability allowance (which was a hellish process) and I got rejected and had to appeal the decision but I got it in the end, which is fortunate bc I quit my job lol.

recently I wanted to look into medication so I had to go to a psychiatrist because you can’t get a prescription for stimulant medication from a gp in most countries I think? BUT he’d only see me if I got rediagnosed by his psychologist, so that was another €300 for each of them. I did get prescribed ritalin in the end but I’ll have to get the prescription refilled a few times a year bc it’s a restricted medication, which will mean paying €100 ish for each time I do. fortunately I don’t actually have to pay for the medication itself bc I have a medical card.

so yes, it can be expensive! all told it’s cost me almost €2000 to get it all sorted and will keep costing me maybe €300 a year from now on, so it’s definitely something you have to budget for. especially depending on where you live, I imagine things are v different from country to country. also I’m very fortunate bc I still live with my family so I’m free of some financial pressure and I’d been saving for it for a while but I know how hard it is to countenance paying out that kind of money, and wondering whether it’s worth it.

as to whether it’s difficult to achieve I think you’ve got to break it down because official diagnosis is only part of it. so if you think you do have ADHD I’d look at it from a couple of different angles:

1. self acceptance/understanding is absolutely the most important thing. I know people who’ve never been to a psych who know they’re autistic/adhd and really flourish, I also know people who have official diagnoses but who won’t accept it themselves and reject help/support and they’re making things so hard for themselves. so the most important thing is to educate yourself about what adhd means and, more importantly, what it means for you. everyone’s brain is different and understanding exactly how your brain works and why you think/behave the way you do is the most important thing you can do. there are a lot of resources out there, especially online, - I’ll put a link to a google drive of books and things I have at the bottom - and it can be good to connect with others online as well. having people who Get It and can help you is really paramount, I know often our irl families/friends can sometimes let us down so sometimes the only support you can get is from following ppl on twitter or something. the adhd subreddit is weirdly helpful and supportive, it’s great to be able to throw out a question like “I think like this am I insane y/n” and have other people go “nah ur fine” it’s very validating (also validation/external perspectives is super important for adhd bc we can be extremely bad at self assessment). so yes, the most important thing is firstly to know thyself by 1) educating yourself and 2) listening/connecting with others like u.

2. is it important to have an “official” diagnosis? no and yes. obviously you don’t need a diagnosis from a doctor to know what you are, and 70% of the things needed to help you flourish are going to come from your own research and the support systems you make. and if you cant afford or access a psychologist or psychiatrist it doesn’t make it any less real or bar you from educating yourself/accessing resources etc. HOWEVER. if you can get a good diagnosis then I really would go for it, bc: 1) it opens a LOT of doors to official resources, whether that’s access to welfare, supports and accommodations at school or college, medication, etc etc. a lot of the time the supports we need are behind this diagnostic paywall, which sucks but it is what it is :/ so that’s one consideration. 2) it can be really validating and help set your mind at ease about whether you “really” have adhd or if you’re “faking”. like I said I didn’t believe that I was “allowed” to be autistic before I got diagnosed. I also didn’t consider that I might have adhd, I went in thinking I’d just get the autism diagnosis so it wasn’t something I would have found out on my own probably. so it can be good to get an outside opinion, especially as, like I said, we can be really bad at self assessment. 3) it feels good to know you have a piece of paper to throw at rude family members/teachers/doctors who don’t believe it’s real 4) if you can find a good psychiatrist/psychologist it can be such a good thing to have that support and to get genuinely good advice from a professional you trust. doesn’t always happen but if u can find one it’s a godsend

wow this got long. to summarise, if you think you have adhd or anything else I would

research and educate yourself. for adhd probably the best thing to do is read driven to distraction and delivered from distraction, written by two psychiatrists who are adhd themselves. they’re both in this google drive along with loads of other resources I’ve collected, there’s also books about autism as well. as a disclaimer not everything/everyone here has my 100% endorsement some of it is there for academic/historical interest or only parts are helpful but by and large it’s useful. also watch this video and feel Seen

look for a good psychologist/psychiatrist if you’re going for a diagnosis. see if there’s an adhd organisation in your country/area and if they can recommend anyone. a lot of the time you’re better going to a child/educational psychologist who’ll see adult clients as they tend to Get It more. do look for someone who is clear about having experience in adult adhd bc unfortunately even qualified psychologists get a LOT wrong so make sure you get someone who knows what they’re doing before you give them your money

yes it can be really expensive. but if you’re needing to access things like medication or welfare I think it’s well worth the trouble and the money. my sister got diagnosed in her second year of college and was able to save her degree bc of extensions on projects and things like that (I didn’t get diagnosed until after college and spent four years torturing myself I WISH I had known) and it can be something that’s better done sooner rather than later. So if it’s something you can do without putting yourself in financial danger I think it’s good to bite the bullet and go for it. like I used up basically all my savings BUT I now can access disability payments and medication so it was worth it for me. it’ll be different for everyone so use your judgement obviously

anyway hope this helped! let me know if you need anything else! and good luck on your journey

#brain tag

[discovisiondreams]

Top 15 First Watches of 2020

I’ve never been good at staying current on pop culture, and that became especially pronounced in 2020. A year where most of the anticipated theatrical releases were pushed to VOD (and the price nearly tripled) meant that a lot of flicks I was excited for got added to the end of the “Maybe Someday” watchlist. 

But in this strange year, I did manage to watch 245 movies- and 195 of those were first-time watches. Some were new, only available on the (virtual) festival circuit. Some were Criterion mainstays, films I’m horrified to admit I hadn’t seen before. But this year, when movies cemented themself as my biggest joy, I began to really track what I watched- including a “top 5 first watches of the month” roundup for every month. These top 5s weren’t ranked, and weren’t even based on technical ability, strength of dialogue, or critical acclaim. They were just the 5 I loved the best. 

So without further ado, here are my top 15 of the year- one selected from the top 5 of each month, with some bonus entries thrown in as well. As a general rule, I only included features on this list- I was fortunate enough to catch shorts that streamed at Chattanooga Film Fest, Celebration of Fantastic Fest, and more, but to add them to the running would have made writing this listicle absolutely impossible. 

HONORABLE Honorable Mention: The Holiday. Inspired by the fine folks at Super Yaki, I finally watched this Nancy Meyers classic. Why is it two and a half hours long?! Why is that two and a half hours so significantly lacking in Jack Black?! The scenes that Black is in, though, really shine. This one is going to be a Christmas mainstay in the Disco household (and not just because I spent money on the DVD).

15: The Love Witch (Honorable Mention, April). This one came highly recommended to me by friends of all sorts, and like most of my 2020 first watches, I’m deeply embarrassed that it took me this long to get to it. Upon finally watching it, on a rainy Sunday, I described the movie in general (and the color palette, specifically) as “sumptuous,” which is one of the most complimentary visual descriptors I can bestow upon a movie. The plot felt a little convoluted at times, but I still found The Love Witch incredibly enjoyable and am hoping to explore more of writer-director Anna Biller’s filmography in 2021.

14: The Guest (Honorable Mention, October). The Guest is one of the few movies I watched multiple times this year- and the only one I watched twice in one week. From the sultry industrial soundtrack selections to the numerous visual nods to Halloween III: Season of the Witch, The guest was Extremely My Shit. The casting here is truly tremendous- especially Maika Monroe, who was similarly brilliant in It Follows. Also of note: Lance Reddick, one of my current favourite character actors. 

13: The Fast and The Furious (Honorable Mention, May). 2 Fast 2 Furious (and its bespoke theme song, Act A Fool, by Ludacris) came out when I was in the 6th grade. Do you remember the music and movies that entered the world when you were in 6th grade? Do you have an inexplicable zealous love for them? 2F2F was the only film in the Fast Cinematic Universe I had seen for a long, long time. Then I saw Fate of the Furious. Then I bought the series box set, as a joke?? And then, slowly but then also all at once, I genuinely started to love this franchise. Some of them are truly ridiculous. Some of them are genuinely bad. But the first one? The Fast and The Furious (2001)? Timeless. Point Break updated and adapted for the early-aughts, The Fast and the Furious walked so The Italian Job (2003) could run. Without The Fast and The Furious, Paul Walker would just be “the guy from Tammy and The T-Rex” to millions of casual cinemagoers. The cultural impact of The Fast and The Furious simply cannot be denied!! 

12: Come to Daddy (Top 5, July). Honestly, this is the exact flavor of bonkers bullshit I’ve grown to expect from Elijah Wood, and that is not an indictment. Wood’s genuine love for genre film is evident here, in what can only be described as an uncomfortable film of family, reunion, and redemption. The tense and abrasive first half gives way to a surprisingly relieving wave of violence and exposition in this critically-acclaimed flick. 

11: The Stylist (Top 5, September). The feature-length debut of writer-director Jill Gevargizian, based off her short of the same name, is female-led horror that pays homage to genre mainstays like Maniac and Psycho while still being decidedly singular. Not only shot in Kansas City, but set in Kansas City, The Stylist made my midwestern heart happy. This is one that I really, really would have loved to see in a crowded theater auditorium, were this year a different one. 

10: In The Mouth of Madness (Top 5, March). Despite being the beginning of pandemic awareness, March was a slow month for me, movie-wise (even though it’s not like I had anything else going on??). But I finally made time for this Carpenter classic, and I’m so happy I did. I’ve long been fascinated by stories about stories, and the people who find themselves trapped within those stories, and this one is truly, in the most basic sense of the word, horrifying. Sam Neill proves that he belongs in horror here, making his role in Event Horizon seem like a natural fit. Also a highlight: noted character actor David Warner, best known (to me) as “Billy Zane’s bodyguard guy in Titanic,” who never ever fails to be unsettling. 

9: Profondo Rosso (Top 5, April). Before this year, my only Argento exposure was Suspiria (which is phenomenal), but Deep Red goes off the deep end in all the best ways. The score (by frequent Argento collaborators Goblin) is truly groovy. The number of twists and turns the plot takes is kind of mind-boggling, but also delightful. Daria Nicolodi (RIP)  is at the top of her acting game here. This quickly became one of my beloved background movies- if I opened Shudder and Profondo Rosso was playing on one of their live-streaming channels, it stayed on while I was cleaning or cooking or paying bills. Profondo Rosso is a must-watch for those hoping to get into giallo.

8: Crimson Peak (Top 5, November). This one was definitely not what I was expecting, but it was GORGEOUS. I loved the world immediately (a Del Toro trademark, to be honest). As a longtime Pacific Rim stan, it made my heart happy to see Charlie Hunnam and Burn Gorman reunited under Guillermo Del Toro’s vision. 

7: Palm Springs (Top 5, August). I am not typically a time-travel movie enthusiast- but I am a sucker for witty repartee and Andy Samberg. This one made me ugly-cry, which I should probably be a bit more ashamed to admit. August had a lot of really great first watches, but the Hulu exclusive takes the cake due to its novel premise, some truly heart-wrenching reveals, and the amazing casting (is there anything JK Simmons cant do?). 

6: Scare Package (Top 5, May). Is there any format I love more than the horror anthology? While there have been so many over the years (Creepshow, All the Creatures Were Stirring), Scare Package might be my favourite of them all. A variety of fun and inventive stories combined with a genre-lovers dream of an overarching narrative make this one a must-see- in fact, it was the whole reason I bought a pass to this year’s online version of Chattanooga Film Fest. There’s a cameo here that absolutely knocked my socks off (and continued to do so even on repeat viewings). While the scares here are honestly minimal, Scare Package is a great love letter to the genre at large.

5: Do The Right Thing (Top 5, June). Yes, it took me until 2020 to watch Do The Right Thing for the first time. The palpable tension, the interwoven stories of Bed-Stuy’s residents, all seem timeless. Giancarlo Esposito is, as always, a joy to watch. 

4: Knives Out (Top 5, February). “It’s a Rian Johnson whodunnit, duh,” states the SuperYaki! T-shirt famously worn by Jamie Lee Curtis, star of Knives Out (2019). This one has received worlds of critical acclaim, I truly do not know what I could even hope to add to the conversation. I want more old-school murder mystery cinema.

3: The VelociPastor (Top 5, January). It should be testimonial enough that The VelociPastor beat out Miss Americana, Netflix’s Taylor Swift documentary, as the top pick for January- but in case it isn’t, let me end 2020 the way I began it; by evangelizing the HECK out of this movie. Written and directed by up-and-coming triple-threat (Director/songwriter/prolific cat-photo-poster) Brendan Steere, The VelociPastor is a true love letter to genre cinema, complete with a big wink to the criminally underloved Miami Connection. Alyssa Kempinski shines as Carol, a doctor/lawyer/hooker with a heart of gold. The VelociPastor premiered in 2019 but gained tons of attention in 2020 (thanks in part to YouTube sensation Cody Ko)- attention that it truly deserves. A sequel is rumored to be in the works, but mark my words, anything to come from the imagination of Brendan Steere will be worth a watch. 

2: Dinner in America (Top 5, October). I genuinely feel sorry for the other movies I watched in October (there were a lot) (they were all SO GOOD). Dinner in America, which I caught during the Nightstream hybrid festival, was not at all what I was expecting. While the other features were all very solidly genre flicks, this was…. A comedy? A modern love story?? I’mn honestly still not exactly sure, but I do know I loved every second of it. I laughed. I cried. I threw my hands up in the air exuberantly (in front of my laptop, looking like a true fool). I did not shut up about this movie online for weeks. I told anyone and everyone that Kyle Gallner is the most underrated actor of my generation and I still believe it! Dinner in America, the story of a punk band frontman who unwittingly takes refuge from the police in the home of his biggest fan, was an unexpectedly heartwarming tale of family, young love, and arson. Watch it as soon as you can. 

1: Promising Young Woman (Top 5, December). This last-minute debut from Emerald Fennell, originally scheduled to hit theaters in April of this year, finally made its way to the big screen on Christmas Day, and became the 2020 entry on my annual “Christmas Day Trip to the Theater” list.* Carey Mulligan is an icon and deserves all of the awards for this. The soundtrack is sublime. The casting choices are truly incredible. While I have no doubt that the general themes of the movie will be polarizing, I absolutely loved this one- I sat in my car in the theater parking lot for a WHILE, considering just buying a ticket for the next showtime- that’s how badly I felt like I needed to see it again immediately. I look forward to writing its inevitable Criterion essay.

*Nobody else in rural iowa was interested in seeing this movie at noon on Christmas Day. I’m shocked.

[cetologies]

i once again... need to vent. so i apologize. i don’t have another outlet but it is under a read more. this is my personal experience, on the off-chance someone reads this and decides to pick a fight with me. i feel like i don’t have to say that but alas, the internet.

posting this late at night so hopefully too many won’t be subjected to it. i go into detail a little bit on this stuff.

tw: ED, body dysmorphia, OCD, depression, SH, anxiety, s//cide ment

i’m sorry i tried to tag it as well as possible to cater to anything blacklisted, i will most likely delete this but otherwise if something needs to be tagged differently please tell me 

this is definitely the worst i’ve felt in a long time. years probably. and some of it is my fault, so i feel like i’m not allowed to complain. but i will anyway. all i’m asking is to get down to 115 again. i was that small when i was 16 and i want to be there again. i haven’t weighed myself with intention to see what weight i am in maybe 4-5 years. 

i make it a point when i go to doctors offices to not tell me my weight. i cover my eyes and *usually* explicitly state that. but i didn’t three years ago, though i said “i don’t want to know my weight” and put my hands over my eyes and she still told me my weight. i remember crying and being loud, the doctor (who had known me for years) had immediately asked the nurse if she told me my weight.

i’ve always had body image issues but holy shit not like this. i’ve suffered with depression and anxiety most of my life. i’ve ticked off almost every single box in terms of diagnosed mental illnesses (except schizophrenia... which even that i’m starting to check off a few). but like i said, holy shit never like this. i would like to say this is harder to deal with than the anxiety/depression i previously have dealt with, but i dont know anymore.

this definitely hurts so bad though. i am getting depressed again, and cannot see this getting better anytime soon. partially my fault once again. i’d just like to lose a little more weight before seeing a doctor. i think i weighed (at the time of that incident above) around 129?? which is... healthy for my height but so is 115. 

my problem is i can’t eat. i can’t think about eating. my default state is now just nausea. i get nauseous from not eating, i get nauseous thinking about eating, and i get nauseous from eating. since october i cant stomach anything. i started adderall in december and it made it 10x worse. i’ve since switched to adderall xr (adzenys?) and i can at least drink water now and only a get half as nauseous. but that was really scary!! i had a little swig of water, no more than a sip, and had to lay down for 4 hours because i was so nauseous. 

my main issue is now i feel guilty for eating. which is normal for eating disorders. but i can’t eat more than 100 calories without wanting to self harm. it’s ridiculous, and i know it’s ridiculous but unfortunately that’s the number i can’t let go. i cried for an hour today bc i ate those lil brownie little bites and it was the second thing i ate today (aside from celery, which i also got sick and felt bad about eating bc i googled the calories: 60) and accidently saw how many calories they were. 240. 

so i ate 300 calories today and that was enough to make me want to vomit (i can’t, i’m emetophobic) and crawl into a hole and disappear. i have never ever dealt with stuff like this before and it’s so scary. i’m afraid my health is failing because of it but i can’t stop. it’s so unrealistic to eat less than 100 calories a day. the standard recommended is 2000, yet for some reason i can’t eat more than 100 without wanting to die

i check my body measurements 3-4 times a day. i spend at LEAST two hours in front of a mirror body checking and looking at my figure from all angles. these issues have definitely stemmed from my figure along with my insecurities. my entire life the only thing i’ve been complimented on is my measurements. it’s all i have. i’m not very pretty, but people are in love with my figure. and i am too! so many people tell me my body is great the way it is but i don’t care what they think, i care what i think. and i think i need to go back down to 115. 

i’ve chalked up my self worth to my body measurements. it’s not something that’s generally achievable without surgery, so it feels almost like a trophy to me because of how fucked up my brain is. i can’t lose it because that’s the only thing that i like about myself. or at least the only thing i like about myself that i don’t want to impulsively destroy like my eyelashes

and it’s not like i’m trying to achieve a completely flat stomach or anything. i just look a little disproportionate to me, since i carry fat only in the stomach. a little pudge is natural and i understand that. like i said, 115 is still healthy for 5′3′’. it’s not like im trying to drop down below 100. i had told myself once i lost the weight, then i’ll go get help for the fact i am violently nauseous no matter what.

which leads me to my next problem: this is my only solution. i can’t lose weight through exercise (esp exercise that involves numbers) bc of my OCD. i have such bad obsessive nature with any numbers (as stated w/ my weight, my body measurements, etc) and like i did when i started looking at calories, i’ll become so obsessive with exercise that if he doesn’t reach my fantastical expectations, i’ll want to self harm.

something that’s really making me upset is i specifically never looked at calories, checked my weight, etc. because i knew this would happen. i went out of my way to avoid stuff like this bc i knew i was susceptible to this kind of thinking and it still happened anyway. my body is going to start shutting down soon if it hasn’t started already. 

it’s fucking ridiculous though! i’ve tried to kill myself (and still, suffering as i am, i still thank god i made it out alive) and it’s just crazy that that was over anxiety, depression, agoraphobia, bullying, etc. and now i want to kill myself bc i ate CELERY!!! bc it’s 60 calories!!! like its so illogical!! i’m a very naturally logical person so this is just like each side of my brain hitting the other with a bat.

it doesn’t look like i’ve lost any weight, despite purposely not eating for 4 months. my grades are bad, my gpa dropped .5 points bc of covid and i’m fucking stupid anyway. i try my best not to self harm bc of my fear of blood but i usually end up scratching myself til i bleed anyway. 

i’m suffering and trying my best to make it through this but i’m trying my best. i just want to wait to get help until i lose a little more. but i am fucking suffering. all i want is to eat again. or at least to eat and not feel guilty afterwards. my portions are so much smaller, i can only eat a few bites of any meal and it’s so fucking scary but i can’t stop myself from wanting to lose more.

like i said, i’ve always had body image issues but nothing like this. i’m so so so scared but. there’s nothing my brain will allow me to do until i lose a little more weight. im afraid im causing/on the road to causing irreversible damage but i just!! can’t stop!! not being able to eat more than 100 calories is so fucking ridiculous i’m ashamed of myself. i shouldn’t be having anxiety attacks over eating celery.

#sorry i've been crying all day over the last thing #daelin speaks #body dysmorphia // #tw body dysmorphia #tw body image #body image // #eating disorder // #tw eating disorder #ocd // #tw ocd #tw depression #depression // #tw self harm mention #self harm mention // #tw anxiety #anxiety // #tw suicide #suicide //

[blue-hi]

i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

[hermannsthumb]

HORNY NEWT/HERMANN ASKS IVE GOTTEN since october PART TWO (there are like 50 here)

part one found here

18+ below cut

SECTION A: BIG DICK HERMANN

Anonymous said: (in ref to this fic) As ;) revenge ;) for Hermann lovingly teasing Newt about Newt's nature show as a child, Newt finds a safari hat and pretends to film a segment on The Rare and Lovely Hermann Mathematician. Stuff like "Much of the Hermann's appearance is used to attract a mate: his elegantly angular bone structure, his soft and brown doe eyes, his beautifully pale complexion, his impossibly long limbs, his thin frame perfect for cuddling and carrying, his enormous cock..." "NEWTON!" "You started this!"

Anonymous said: Okay but the first time Newt saw Hermann's dick, Newt came in his pants a little because Newt is a damn size queen and Hermann is hung asf. Newt just can't stop imagining pinning Hermann to the bed and riding that giant cock. Hermann doesn't even know that his dick is huge until Newt tells him it is. "Jeez, no wonder you wear those baggy grandpa pants. It must be a fucking hassle to find pants that fit comfortably over this behemoth."

Anonymous said: Newt convinces Hermann to wear short shorts while Hermann does yoga. Newt's shorts are a little baggy on Hermann, but Newt is still getting quite an eyeful (the shorts can't contain Hermann's massive dick. It's true and we both know it. Also Hermann has to wear extra soft tank tops when he does yoga, because of his extremely sensitive nipples)

SECTION B: roleplay.........

Anonymous said: (re: any number of herm centric sickfic/hospital fic ive written LOL i cant remember which) As soon as Hermann's all better, Newt still insists that Hermann take it easy. Newt puts on a slutty little nurse uniform and orders Hermann to "Please just lie back, Dr. Gottlieb. I believe a ~very thorough~ examination is in order. Just to be safe, of course." "Of course." "Poor dear! Are you nervous? Do you need to hold my hand?"

Anonymous said: Newmann and roleplay. Newt loves how passionate Hermann is about space. So Newt dresses up as a sexy alien (because of course Newt would) and asks Hermann (the very handsome human space explorer) to please undress. "My race is very curious to about human anatomy, Dr. Gottlieb. And with such an aesthetically pleasing specimen! Oh, how can I resist? Please? It's for science."

Anonymous said: One of the nicest surprises after they're married is that they both still have wet dreams about each other. Newt grinds up against Hermann's cute flat ass like "Oh, Professor Gottlieb, I'm so sorry! Please, I'll do anything to earn your forgiveness!"; and Hermann rubs his big dick against Newt's lovely bubble butt like "Oh, thank you, Doctor Geiszler, you're so kind to me! Please use me however you wish!" (Newt has a sexy professor kink and Hermann has a Newt controlling him kink.)

Anonymous said: Newt (greaser au or otherwise) SO has a thing for Hermann as a librarian. “Hermann, can I please dress you up as a slutty librarian? And then I’ll fuck you as hard as you like, as an apology. You know, because I’m a terrible patron. I’ve never returned a book on time, and I have a nasty habit of dog earrings pages.” “Is that so?” “Honestly, I don’t know WHY you put up with me. Don’t you want to give me a chance to make it up to you? I’m the ;)best;) at apologies.”

Anonymous said: I read your most recent newmann Halloween fic, and I *LOVE* the idea of them roleplaying with Hermann as the slutty little lab aid who needs Dr. Geiszler's firm hand to guide him. I can just imagine! "Mr. Gottlieb, would you like to explain why I caught you in the lab with your hand down your pants?" "Dr. Geizsler, I'm so sorry! *Please* don't report me!"

Anonymous said: I love that Newt says he loves dressing slutty for Hermann. That's such a Newt thing to say. Also, please consider Newt dressing as a slutty schoolgirl for Hermann. "Professor Gottlieb, PLEASE! I'll do anything to pass this class! I'm sorry for being so disruptive! I just wanted to get your attention. It's not my fault, Professor! I get all these naughty thoughts about you and then I can't concentrate!"

Anonymous said: Another anons have mentioned Newt having a professor kink, but you know what else Newt has? An ego. So sometimes, NEWT is the professor. So sometimes Hermann will come to Newt. & Hermann's dressed like a proper British schoolboy. & Hermann's like "Professor Geiszler, *PLEASE* dont fail me! I'll earn extra credit ~however~ I can!" & Hermann bats his long beautiful eyelashes. & Newt's like "Well, come here and prove your eagerness to learn, Mr. Gottlieb." And Hermann is a good, obedient schoolboy.

Anonymous said: omg. that ask that referenced phantom of the opera. newt donning a mask and cape and entering the bedroom like "my dearest hermann...i have come to steal you away" "have you now?" "yes! you shall be mine and mine alone forever!" "oh, how positively dreadful" "you will come with me now! come with me and let me ravish you as you deserve to be ravished!" and hermann is so fondly amused. "oh dear, i suppose i have no choice. i'll do whatever you ask of me, mr. phantom, sir."

SECTION C: Newt’s Butt

Anonymous said: Newton using his adorable bubble butt to his advantage. Bending over in from of Hermann. Asking Hermann to get something from his (Newt's) back pocket (because "sorry, my hands are full"). Newt's favorite way to tease Hermann is to ask "Can you check my butt for panty lines? My jeans are really tight, and I wore those panties you really like, and I just wanna make sure they aren't visible. *bends over to display his butt* Make sure you're REAL thorough when you check."

Anonymous said: NEWTON: Imma get "Property of Hermann" tattooed on my ass. // HERMANN: Please don't. // NEWTON: I'm not gonna, lol. I just wanted to see your reaction. But seriously - this? *smacks his own ass* Is totally your property, babe.

vitamine-dude said: Chalk anon is good.... Also... Hermann slapping Newt's ass with the palm of his hand covered in chalk... 👀 😂

Anonymous said: Hermann has a love-hate relationship with Newt's skinny jeans. He loves them because his Newty got a booty, but also? How is poor Hermann supposed to get any work done with such a lovely distraction? "Aw, poor Herms! Is my ass keeping you from your work? Maybe my butt need to be taught a lesson. You could always use your big sexy hands." "You could at least TRY to be subtle!"

SECTION D: HERMANN’S butt

Anonymous said: Hermann can never wear his skinny jeans out in public because Hermann in skinny jeans renders Newt incapable of keeping his grabby little hands off Hermann's cute little butt.

Anonymous said: Hermann can't get over how gorgeous and adorable Newt looks in his sexy-slutty little Oktoberfest dirndl. "Newton, your skirts just BARELY cover your rear!" "How's that a problem? Yesterday you said my ass was, and I quote, 'plump and perfectly round'." "You are still being indecent!" "Aww, what are you gonna do? Put me over your knee? By the way, is that something I can do to you? Will your leg be okay if I put you over my knee? Because I'd *LOVE* to spank your adorable little flat butt."

SECTION E: you guys are ALSO really horny for hermann’s nips (no judgement whatsoever...very *chefs kiss*

Anonymous said: The moment Newt discovers how sensitive Hermann's nipples are, Newt is merciless. Newt will just spend his sweet time nosing at and nuzzling and licking and kissing and nibbling at Hermann's nipples. Meanwhile, poor Hermann is a panting, writhing mess, just begging Newt to please touch him where he needs to be touched. "Oh, Hermann! All this just from me playing with your cute little nipples? You're adorable. Oh, such a sweet, needy boy, aren't you?"

Anonymous said: Hermann wear baggy shirts and sweaters because he has sensitive nipples. If his shirts are too tight, then he can't concentrate on anything besides the feel of the fabric against his nipples. Once he and Newt get together, and Newt figures this out, Newt is always trying to get Hermann to wear tight shirts, at least in their quarters/apartment/house. Also, Newt likes to tease Hermann by tying him to the bed and running a feather over Hermann's nipples.

Anonymous said: Once newmann get together, it doesn't take long for Newt to figure out how sensitive Hermann's nipples are, a fact that Newt very happily exploits. Newt's such a little shit about it too. He'll run his tongue of Hermann's nipples until Hermann is writhing uncontrollably and begging Newt to please PLEASE fuck him already. "I dunno, babe, you seem awfully worked up. Maybe I should wait until you've calmed down a little." "Newton, PLEASE!" (1/2) (2/2) Also Newt loves to tease Hermann about this. "Alright, whatever you say, baby. Such a sensitive boy, aren't you? Seriously, all I have to do is LOOK at your cute little nipples and you start begging me to please fuck your cute little ass." "Newton!" "No need to blush, we both know it's true. Now come on, legs over my shoulders, that's it, that's a good boy."

SECTION F: more dominant/possessive (like in a sexy way) newt

Anonymous said: Hermann really really loves bottoming/submitting from time to time. Just letting Newt pick him up and move him so Newt can have his way with Hermann. Especially when it comes to roleplaying scenes where Newt says things like "You're too pretty to be such a naughty slut." and "You're being so good, taking me so well, you're such a good boy." and "You're always wound so tight, let's see if we can't fuck some of that stress out of you, handsome."

Anonymous said: One of Hermann's biggest kinks? Having Newt fuck him good and hard, while Newt says things like " 'Dr. Gottlieb', ha! Anyone with any observational skills at all knows you by your more appropriate title: Dr. Geiszler's precious, pretty little sweetheart. You're a brilliant scientist and mathematician, obviously, but you're also obviously MINE. Do you hear me, Hermann? You're my pretty boy. Just mine. I don't share my beautiful, brilliant boy with anyone. You're all mine."

Anonymous said: Hermann doesn't actually WANT to be caught, but he loves the idea, the sexy little fantasy, of someone seeing him being fucked hard by Newt, because he loves being Newt's and having everyone know that he's Newt's. Newt teases him about it sometimes. "Aw, you big softie! You just want everyone to know that you're mine, that's so sweet. Maybe I'll start writing 'Property of Newt' on the back of all your pants. Then everyone will know that the world's prettiest mathematician is mine and mine alone"

Anonymous said: Whenever they have to get a hotel room or make a reservation at a restaurant, Hermann always puts the reservation under the name "Hermann Geiszler", because he knows it's the easiest way to get Newt to fuck him good and hard. Newt loves it. "You may still be Hermann Gottlieb legally, but in reality? You're absolutely Hermann Geiszler. You're my man, my husband, my pretty boy. Only mine, right?" "Yes, of course, only yours." "Good boy, Hermann. Now let's get you undressed."

SECTION G: miscellaneous

Anonymous said: Precursor Hermann, but Newt does believe for a second that Hermann would leave him without so much as a goodbye. Newt's all "Look, whatever forces are possessing the love of my life! Hermann is a gentleman! He might be a cranky, irritable, bitchy old dude, but he would NEVER leave me without saying so! Hermann just doesn't operate like that! So! Y'all wanna get out of my man, or do I need to fuck you outta him? I mean, he's getting fucked by me anyway; I just wanna know the order of events here"

Anonymous said: omg if hermann ever said the word "dude", newt would just immediately drop to his knees and ask hermann if he could pretty please unzip his pants and let newt suck his dick pretty pretty please

Anonymous said: (re: this comic) That comic reminded me of one of my fave newmann headcanons: after their first time having sex together, Hermann is utterly MORTIFIED because he was so damn loud. Honestly, Hermann always thought screaming during sex was an exaggeration. Then he had sex with Newt. And he learned that it is NOT an exaggeration. "Newton, oh my goodness, I'm so sorry!" "Sorry?! Baby, are you sorry? That was so hot. Imma work to make you scream again and again and again and again forever."

Anonymous said: Hermann USED to wear boxers, but Newt insists on Hermann wearing tighty-whiteys because "I don't want your underwear covering any more of your sexy legs than is necessary. I gotta have those hot supermodel legs exposed, baby. They demand to be groped."

Anonymous said: (re: this fic i think....) Newt-on-painkillers asks a nurse "Hey, where's the hottie with the sexy sharp cheekbones?" & the nurse is like "He stepped out to get you a snack. I didn't understand everything he said, but he definitely mentioned some kind of German pastry." "Holy shit, he's the perfect man." (When Hermann finally gets to take Newt home, Newt's in the passenger seat all "As soon as we're in our bedroom, I'm gonna ride your dick so good, baby. No amount of painkillers could make me forget how to fuck you good."

Anonymous said: Ur fic abt newmann making a porn reminded me of 1 of my fav newmann headcanons: Newt loves to tease Hermann abt what a successful porn star he (H) would be. "Oh, just think of how much money I could make frm recording u: sexy physicist fingers himself! Adorable scientist begs to be fucked! Pretty lil mathematician begs for permission to come! Willowy scientist gets his nipples played with&wakes up the entire country with his slutty lil screams! Scientist presents his ass for a thorough fucking!"

Anonymous said: (no additonal commentary required) Newt: I'm young, dumb, and full of cum!

Anonymous said: Hermann managing to fuck the Precursors out of Newton, who tries to have Hermann awarded some sort of medal of valor.

Anonymous said: One time Newmann tried switching it up, having Newt ignore Hermann while Hermann pleasured Newt. It didn't work because Newt has no self control and he wouldn't stop petting Hermann's hair and moaning and hollering about how good and pretty and perfect Hermann is.

Anonymous said: (re i think this fic? i write so much hospital bedside fic...) The first time they have sex after Newt's finally been released from medical, Hermann is just all kinds of sweet and gentle with him. "Is this too much, darling?" and "Calm yourself, liebling. Let me do the work." and "Slow down, sweet boy. You're going to hurt yourself." Eventually Newt's like "I'm not gonna break, babe! Lemme just..." "Shh, next time you can be as rough as you want with me." "Promise?" "I promise." "Next time I'm gonna fuck you so hard, baby."

Anonymous said: Newton making it his new job to make sure that Hermann has ALL of his needs seen to is my new jam. Like, he's still objectively obnoxious but now with a side order of willingness to fuck his math husband raw whenever he asks for it.

Anonymous said: Newt riding Hermann's dick and, between sighs & moans & gasps, saying all the sappy lovey-dovey things he wants with Hermann. "We're gonna have a cute little cottage somewhere secluded with lots of cats! And I'll chop plenty of firewood to keep you warm! I'll be your personal lumberjack! All I'll provide you with all the beautiful dresses and warm clothes you could ever need! And we'll have a huge library! And you'll want for nothing!" And Hermann's just like "Yes, that sounds perfect, darling."

Anonymous said: Newt bending Hermann over a desk/their bed. Gently petting Hermann's hair and softly kissing Hermann's shoulderblades. All while he (Newt) pounds into Hermann's sexy flat ass. "Hermann baby you feel so good I love you so much I love all your little gasps and moans and how you can't keep your hips still and you're always so beautiful but this is the beauty that only I get to see when you're a wild moaning mess oh god you're gonna get the nicest bath after this get you all cleaned up for bedtime."

Anonymous said: (re: this ask) Oh man imagine how absolutely slutty Newton would get on Snapchat if he thought that Hermann wasn't picking up what he was laying down (meanwhile Hermann is going through multiple boxes of tissues because of the constant blood nose, he's constantly in a state of arousal, everything reminds him of Newton, just hearing the Snapchat notification is enough to turn him on).

Anonymous said: Newt usually loves parties, but once he and Hermann get together, he always passes on new year's parties. Like, why go to a new year's party when he could instead ring in the new year by fucking Hermann senseless? And of course spoiling him in all kinds of soft sweet ways as well.

Anonymous said: NEWT: "Hermann, babe, I know you're not as into Halloween as I am, but do I still get my Halloween ;)treat;) from you?" HERMANN: "...You might, if I had any idea what you're referring to." NEWT: "Ugh, how can you be so smart, and still so clueless? I want to blow you!" HERMANN: "Oh! Well, far be it from me to object..." NEWT: "But I wanna dress you up first! Because it's in the Halloween spirit, and also I found an extra lacy corset that I really REALLY wanna see you in!" Also, Newt's biggest weakness in regards to Hermann in corsets, is Hermann in corsets with big bows on the lower back. Newt loves anything that draws attention to Hermann's precious, perfect flat butt.

Anonymous said: A while ago you said something about Newt having both a praise kink AND a shame kink, and I think Hermann would be perfect at fulfilling Newt's needs there. "Newton, you're such a sweet and pretty boy. Why do you insist on acting like such a little tart?" and "There we are, darling. Can you come for me like the sweet, filthy boy you are?" and "You're such a darling little slut."

Anonymous said: Newt totally gets panties that say "Property of Doctor Hermann Gottlieb"

#ill probably do one more big one and then....all done #newmann #not sfw /////

[mrelzbttherese]

TIP LIFE

My First 5 Months in T.I.P

Hi I'm Ma. Elizabeth Therese N. Doronela, 16 years old from Antipolo City. Taking Up HUMSS (Humanities and Social Science) in T.I.P. I take up HUMSS strand because I want to be a lawyer someday. I decided to study at T.I.P because of the good feedbacks. My school is far from my home but it's alright because I really want a high quality education to get that "Atty." before my name.

JUNE

First day of school. I arrived at school at exactly 12:35 P. M. I know that I am kinda late but its fine because our Teacher was not already in the room. As I enter the room its a bit awkward because we are all total strangers, I do not know anyone and nobody

knows me. Finally after several minutes our General Mathematics teacher Mr. Jehrist John Uy came inside our classroom and greeted us. He first discuss his house rules and the grading system in Genmath after that we introduce our self. Name - Age - Address - Something Unique About Yourself, that is what we need to tell when we introduce our self. That moment I get to know my classmates a little bit and I was shy telling what's unique about me because I have nothing to tell. My first impression to our Genmath teacher and adviser is that he is cool and a great teacher. Sir Jehrist amazes me because aside from being funny, he is also a good and smart Teacher.

My First Month in T.I.P was great, of course as I expected I will be having more adjustments because of the new people, new environment and new system here but I am more thinking about the good side.

As I walk upon the hallway I just can't stop my self from over thinking and worrying how my Senior Highschool life would be. I am now stepping out of my comfort zone and

I am stepping in to the next chapter of my life. I just can't imagine how was my life in T.I.P wherein I don't have any clue if I will be having a good friends or teachers, to be honest among all the schools that I was thinking about T.I.P is the least school that I was expecting that I will go to. I have so many thoughts about how will my life in T.I.P goes. Days passed, I get to know some of my classmates. I make friends with them talk to them and open some topics or story to some of them. I had a good time with some of my classmates for the first week of the school year and I'm looking forward to be in touched also with my other classmates. So far, so good. I get to know many things on my first weeks in T.I.P. "what?! really", "myghash", "seriously?" these words are the words that always came out from my mouth because some of my teachers amazes us with some facts and trivias. I am admitting it, my first month in my school was a bit hard because of so many adjustments but it was really fun meeting new people and learning something from them.

My favorite place here in T.I.P is the Chapel. This is the most beautiful place in the school for me because this place always brighten my day. I cant say that I always go there everyday but as much as I can I always go there whatever I am going through. Happy? Sad? Excited? Frustrated? Nervous?, chapel was always my go to place in school. Now I will share some story about my unforgettable experience in the chapel. So there's a guy who is praying in the chapel and after a minute he ask me "ate is life fair or unfair?" and I was shock because I was to exit the chapel, the guy look so sad and frustrated I think he is a college student. The next thing is I answered him, honestly It took a seconds before I answered him because I was really shocked of what he ask. "I think yes kuya because some of us is happy and some are not" I answered him, and he just nod his head. I have no idea why that guy ask me that, but I really saw the sadness in his face, that time I really want to spoke up to him and say "kuya you can get up to this, God is good". but I don't have enough time so I just go out of the chapel and start thinking and realizing what that guy is going through. I don't know what he is sad or whatever but I just wish that he can go through that situation.

JULY

This month I focused more on my studies. Nutrition Month is the main event for July, Its fun because a Doctor have some talk about healty living and taught the students about proper diet. The Month of July is full of school works and performance tasks, it makes the whole class more and more. Reportings, Role Play, Written works, Hang Outs, Milktea dates and Home Works that is what my Month goes.

I have this new discovery about T.I.P and that is the garden along with T.I.P anniversary hall. The garden is so beautiful especially at night, Its fun to watch the trees that are dancing and waving. This month makes me realize that I really need to work hard because before I go to my classroom for my first subject I saw a big board that has all the names of Dean's Listers in T.I.P QC and it makes me inspired every time I walk there and saw their names.

Aside from our classroom and lobby in building 9 , one of the place in T.I.P that I often go to is the Canteen. It's kinda noisy, messy and crowded but it is the best place to make "chika" and rant with your friend. I think the canteen has a big part on knowing my close friends because we always go there and share food and stories together. I always eat waffle and maccaroni. I will tell story about my favorite encounter at the canteen. So its our free time and me and my classmate go down to buy some food in canteen, I am craving for donuts that time and exactly I have 17 pesos in my pocket so I buy the cake butternut in happy house donut and then I pay for the donut and suddenly the seller said that the cake butternut donut is 18 pesos and my money is 17 pesos only and I left my wallet in the classroom that time and I was like worried because my room is in 4th floor and I don't know what to do, a seconds ago there's a girl who gives me a 1 peso and I was so thankful because of her. She just save me, I really appreciated it because she doesn't know me but she efforted to give me 1 peso. I said thank you for several times because I was just so happy that she helped me even if she didn't know me well. That time I realize that kindness is truely every where.

AUGUST

August is what they called a ghost month because of many suspensions and holidays

but it also a good month because it is the celebration of Buwan ng Wika. The activities are so exciting. Festival Dance, "Sabayang Pagbigkas", "Tagisan sa Pag-Awit", "Batuhang Bola", "Karerang Sako", "Patintero" and many more indigenous games are the activities in Buwan ng Wika. It's so fun because we are able to meet new people aside from our classmates because we're shuffled with Grade 12 students. "Pintados-Kadyaan" is our group name. I joined the Sabayang Pagbigkas together with my other classmates and Grade 12 students. We train and train until we memorized the piece and the the choreography, becaus of many suspensions we are able to make practice and we also rehearse the whole performance every after class. Days passed and the presentation is coming. August 29, 2019 is the day that we are going to perform it. We are all nervous and excited at the same time, after a half an hour we are all done performing our piece, we feel relieve because we really worked hard for it. We are

all confident that we can get the award.

One day after and It is the awarding day and the host announces that we are 2nd placer, we are all happy because our hard work pays off, not the first place but sill grateful. The thing that I really wanna treasure this month is the friendship that we build while practicing for the Sabayang Pagbigkas, I may not always see them or be with all of them but the friendship will be always be there.

SEPTEMBER

September is the start of the ber months, it's kinda exciting. September is also the month where marks start of 2nd grading. New grading, new life and a chance to bounce back. I admit it i do not put my full effort on the first grading cause I felt that I am having a hard time to cope with the system of T.I.P in terms of academics. I said that I will make "bawi" for the second grading. This month is very stressful one because of too many school works. This is also the month where I always go home late because me and my classmates used to hang out every after class. Here's my fun story, one afternoon I am walking in the hallway because I'm going to the comfort room then I was singing the song "Imahe" and a group of college students saw and hear me singing and they all sing with me and I laughed so hard they are all funny. We are all laughing like we know each other.

I putted more effort on learning and getting a high scores in tests this month. Oral Communication is one of my favorite subject not only the subject but also the teacher which is Ms. Aivy, she is such a good teacher she's my favorite teacher. I am always looking forward to see and have discussion with her. I learned a lot from Ms. Aivy academically and she also from her life experiences. I remember this line from Ms. Aivy "You will learn If you are willing to" and I think that is beautiful. Nothing is more beautiful than a Teacher who believes in his/her students. She is one of the kindest person I know, she is a very inspiring woman. Ms. Aivy is one of the best people I know in T.I.P.

October

October is the month of intramurals, the theme is The Hunger Games (Rise of the Districts) and my section which is 11HUMSSB2 are in the District 4 Fishing. Of course before the Main event which is the sports, The advisers make a try out for all the fishing team members. Volleyball, Basketball, Badminton and many more and I try out for the sport which is Volleyball and I passed the tryout, I was playing volleyball since 2013 so I have a much skills to play. There's also Street Dance Competition, Battle of the Bands and Mobile Legends.

All the students were so excited because of too much activties we are going to do in the latter part of the month. Before the intramurals we train and make some meeting with the whole fishing team and its so fun meeting other people once again. We are all from different sections and strands but we are united as one, as Team Fishing.

Days passed and the Intramurals 2019 is held. October 21. 2019 Early in the morning I woke up at 5 A.M. because the players needs to come to school at early as 6:00 A.M. The Opening Ceremony of the Intrams 2k19 was blast there's the presentation of the escorts and muses of each districts and also the performance of drum and lyre by the Quirino Elementary School students. After an hour all the sports are starting. 12:00 the Volleyball game started and we are all excited to play. The first game is Fishing vs. Textile (Women's Volleyball). The game was started and Its so fun, the game is exciting because of the strength of each team. Our first game was a win and we are all happy and were looking forward in the next game. After the game I ate at the food bazaar and take some rest. The event in the afternoon is the battle of the bands and it was lit, it was so fun hearing the talents of those singers.

The second day of the Intramurals is also a big day for us because it is our semi finals for Volleyball. Our opponent is the Team Lumber. The game started at 12:00 P. M

the summary of the game is in the first set the Lumber won and in the second set the Team Fishing won and at the tie breaker which is up to 15 only the Lumber won. We might not get the final spot but we are happy because we are in the third place. I'm kinda sad because of that but at the same time I feel relieve because I can rest after the game. The third and last day of Intramurals was a blast because of the performance of Street Dancers, they are really good dancers and after that the final games for Volleyball and Basketball and also the awarding. Finally the Intramurals 2019 was done, too much fun and too much memories that I will treasure forever. The friendship and team we've made will be forever in my heart.

I learned a lot. Sportmanship, Friendship, Hardwork is the really essence of that Event. It's not the sports and games that I really had fun but the people who I met and all the learnings.

Hardwork Beats Talent When Talent Fails To Work Hard.

In summary my first five months in T.I.P is like a rollercoaster ride. There is ups and downs but I am still grateful because I know that God has a plan. Looking forward for the next 5 months in T.I.P. I learned a lot and that's what matters.

It is fun being a certified TIPIAN, I am proud that I am a student of Technological Institute of the Philippines.

#TIPISHEART

#TIPLife

[the-kipsabian]

im here and ready to give you some asagao!natemare headcanons (this is under a cut cause its LONG oops sorry not sorry)

➭ its already an established fact, but natemare only appears during the month of october, as its been declared as the spooky night with halloween and all that jazz. every other month of the year, you just have regular nate

➭ when natemare pops up, nate doesnt remember anything from that time. from the nights its natemare time, he has amnesia, and appears far more tired and fatigued the following day, without knowing himself whats going on or what went down the previous night. like hes obviously aware that something must have happened, but he only hears about things secondhand later on from people who were there to witness the results of his turn

➭ it only actually happens when its dark. during the day, hes just a regular nate - so its not like a thing that happens first thing in the morning and just carries on until he passes out for the night. he starts the day as normal, and at some point when it starts getting dark, it triggers. however, on days with rain/heavy clouds/no sunshine, its possible that natemare triggers earlier in the day, like during school, but its rarer honestly, and tied up to many more things than just the darkness in that case

➭ speaking of which. natemare has specific triggers that make him appear. as it doesnt happen during every night of october, its more rare of an occurrence, say once or twice a week, possibly more depending on the circumstances, so its unpredictable at most when this will happen, and ofc nate cant just. drop out of school entirely for a whole month in case this happens again, so he just has to be there. its way more likely for natemare to appear when ➭ theres a lot of people around (so far given examples are a birthday party, a game of d&d, and a halloween party [so a relatively lot of people in a small space]) as natemare craves for that attention ➭ its a thing related to something that nate himself was really excited about (all given examples above also apply to this), as natemare’s sole purpose is to wreck havoc and ruin things tbh ➭ when nate is just a mess on the inside (this is probably the rarest case, as he doesnt get stressed out [or at least he doesnt admit to it ever] and doesnt really care for much of anything too much, but for example, his feelings for ayu are a thing that make him boil over, hence the halloween party incident) cause its easier to take him over at that point

➭ like mentioned before, natemare is just like nate, but dialed up to eleven out of the possible five. where nate is just a good meaning soft bad boi, natemare is. just a bad boy. he will leave a physical mess behind him, the usual jokes nate throws around are dialed up to probably almost a hurtful extreme at cases, whatever people are excited and happy about he will wreck (’oh you wanted to have a party cause you havent had a good birthday party in years? nah!’ ‘oh you wanted a nice d&d session with good times? nah!’ ‘halloween party? at my school? and you wanna have good time? NAH’). most of the time its personalized towards people too, so if nate knows what you like and what makes you happy, natemare will ruin it for you, and ruin the things nate enjoys on the side, e.g., ayu ➭ this also includes small physical changes, like his hair isnt even nearly as neat anymore as it was before, likewise it might go with his clothes and he definitely dresses way more in all black or black and red instead, theres a certain kind of darkness in/around his eyes, and just in general he gives away a very uneasy feeling, which is a thing that nate never does. the way he speaks is almost condescending at times and hes just. generally not nice, obviously

➭ natemare is obviously the reason why nate has had hard time in all his previous schools, and eventually getting suspended/kicked out. i feel like its more then about him being stressed out about school and such, which triggers natemare even easier for him, so classes were hard for him to say the least. and the teachers didnt take it easy on him at all, nope. so he was kicked out very fast, or at least suspended for like a week, only to return to school later with the same shit cause october still wasnt over and oops ➭ his parents have probably put the boy through some tests to see if theres anything wrong with him, but after this happening multiple times and there being no results from any doctors even during october when all this was supposedly happening, they just. kinda gave up. their son was a mess one month a year and never else did they get any kind of problems with him (and nate was. always a good kid at home. ALWAYS), so they didnt really bother any more about it. just send him to a new school and hope for the best and ultimately to asagao in hopes that maybe he learns to behave himself in an expensive boarding school across the world hmm

➭ and then the part y’all are here for, why is this happening exactly? it takes its roots to nate being exposed to horror movies on a way too young of an age and taking far too much interest in them and other darker stuff, plus the reason he developed the bad boy persona in the first place, to fend off bullies at a young age. natemare started as a defense mechanism (”it wasnt me, it was natemare!” if he would be accused of causing troubles at school), but eventually it just. kinda of bloomed into something he wasnt able to fully control as time went on and he had to keep it up in order to keep himself safe and sane. which is kinda ironic in the end, dont you think?

#asagao!nate #i feel like that ending revelation just isnt what you expect from me lol #or its exactly what you expect and its disappointing hmm #anyways. thats my take on that #from what my brain did last night when i couldnt sleep and today while i was trying to wake myself up yay #just some natemare things #i can. maybe elaborate on some of this if anyone needs any more explanations? #but yep. for now thats it!

[doctormage]

hi i just need to be really dramatic and long winded bc if i dont get it Out im going to fucking explode

ive actually been trying really hard this semester with my thesis and its REALLY fucking difficult for me. my depression makes me catatonic and unable to complete simple tasks or be motivated to do literally anything; my anxiety paralyzes me at the slightest unexpected change and then obsess over whether everyone in my life hates me because of my anxiety; my sleep schedule is constantly fucked and my doctor is unhelpful; my bdd will sidetrack me from my work and responsibilities for literal hours or days, and sometimes if its feeling spicy send me on a full scale fucking breakdown; and my adhd makes all this shit worse on TOP of all the NORMAL adhd shit. like thats just!!! my life!!!! at all times!!!!! and there have been several times where i have genuinely considered leaving this program or not continuing school after bc i was so fucking overwhelmed and exhausted and scared but i didnt!!! like i make a lot of jokes about procrastinating and wasting my time and doing the least and whatever but in reality its really fucking difficult for me even when im medicated!!! but i dont like admitting that bc of all my exhausting childhood baggage and shit but that is not the point of this rant so anyway

this semester i made a specific effort to try and be a better student even tho all of this stuff has been exacerbated by grad school. i felt i owed it to my director and one of my committee members because theyve been so fucking helpful and put their faith in me and took a lot of their time to help me. i wanted to show them i was worthy of it and capable of being a good student who does all the shit she’s supposed to do, does it well, and does it on time. i overloaded my fall semester and nearly lost my goddamn mind JUST to have a lighter class load this semester so i could focus most of my time on my thesis (like for real that was actually incredibly stupid of me. i lost almost 30 pounds from september to december without conscious effort just because i was so fucking stressed. not a brag and actually kind of concerning bc that has LITERALLY never happened to me). it has been like....significantly taxing, but i wanted to show them how much i appreciate their time and effort and help by being responsible and respectful. my Trying Hard is a lot of people’s Barely Doing Their Best and i know that. turning something in 2 hours early is below average for some but for me, literally anything more than 30 minutes before its due is an actual goddamn miracle. but i wanted to work hard and do things right for my committee members because they deserve it

this christmas my parents asked what i wanted and the ONLY thing i asked for was help with my library dues. last year from like march to october i was significantly depressed and entirely out of my head, and i racked up some pretty bad overdue fees. i didnt even ask them to pay all of it, just some of it. less than $100. im really truly grateful for the gifts they DID get me, but i didnt ask for them for any of it, and my overdue fees were left alone. i was under the impression that they got paid and, like a fucking idiot, i didnt check up on it to confirm. ive been so hell deep in my thesis and teaching and grading and applying to phd programs and looking for apartments and shit that it really just slipped my fucking mind!!! crazy!!!!

today i was in crisis bc i thought i fucked up with scheduling my defense/exam/whatever the fuck. im going to call it defense and i dont give a shit bc everyone calls it some other shit and i dont CARE. anyway i really thought i fucked up but i went and talked it out with my director and it was all sorted out. i’ve gotten like 50% of her feedback on my thesis draft, which i’ve incorporated, and im waiting on comments from another reader (the other helpful person on my committee). we have to run some dumbass software before scheduling, so i ran it today and tried to schedule it but couldnt bc theres a hold on my account. i went on a fucking....ALMIGHTY QUEST to figure it out and i finally discovered that guess what!!!!!!! its my GODDAMN LIBRARY OVERDUE FEES!!!!!! THAT I THOUGHT WERE PAID!!!!!!! i had to pay them myself which is fine idc but it takes several days to process. this fucks up my life on SEVERAL levels

for one, its fucking impossible to get a hold of my third committee member. she is a vapor in the wind. shes like super busy and thats all good and well but the point is theres like zero communication there. i finally got confirmation on a defense date from all 3 members and had been literally planning MY ENTIRE LIFE around this date. after todays first scheduling crisis i was so happy i was still on track, but now this? now i have to wait 3-4 days before i can even SCHEDULE the defense. the super delightful part is that we have to schedule a minimum of 2 weeks in advance. so now i cant schedule my defense until tuesday at the absolute earliest, but that ALSO bumps my defense date several days ahead. i have no fucking clue if my committee is going to agree on another day that works for everyone bc theyre all busy as shit and we’d been working toward the original date for weeks if not months, and im so fucking upset because this is exactly what i DIDNT want to have happen. i havent tried to email them yet because im hoping beyond fucking hope i can call somebody at the university tomorrow and see if the hold is something else besides the fee, but it makes me sick to think of having to be like “oh sorry i know i constantly fuck up everything ever and im a piece of shit but can we change this date we’ve had set since january because i was an extra shitty piece of shit this time??” like OHHH MY GODDDDD

and the thing thats really fucking with me is that like, yes its my fault but this one time its not ENTIRELY 100% my fault. i asked for a favor and had the understanding that it was taken care of. yes the fees were my doing and yes i shouldve checked but oh my fucking god. i feel like all the effort ive put into being a better student this semester has been for fucking nothing because im going to have to email my committee asking for a different date and ruin all their fucking lives and theyll be so disappointed in me. i have like legitimately been crying on and off about it since like 4:30 today

it so shitty in and of itself but i especially dont want to do this to my director bc she is legitimately the reason im finishing this program AND that im going to a phd program. a year ago i’d barely spoken 20 words to her but she still agreed to be a reader on my committee just because she heard me explain my thesis for all of 30 seconds and decided to give it a try. she literally had not read a song of ice and fire at the time and she started reading them for me to help me with my thesis. in the fall when my original director basically threatened to leave my committee if i didnt change all my ideas, my current director stepped in and helped me and talked me through it and then offered to take her place even though my research is BARELY distantly related to hers. through all of this she’s been so insanely patient with me, super encouraging of my ideas both in this project and in others, helped me decide whether it was right for me to get my phd immediately after my masters, proofed and edited and helped me with ALL my phd application materials, and STILL is in the process of reading these goddamn books just to be a better director. i have lost my head so many times and shes always been there to help me figure my shit out, and i wanted to have it figured out for once. how stupid of me

like bumping the date isnt the end of the whole world but its really not just about the fact that i have to reschedule. i was trying real goddamn hard to be a better student this semester and i REALLY fucking owed it to my director and other reader, but especially director, and i still managed to fuck up this bad. i feel like such a DISAPPOINTMENT and it just will not leave my brain bc im so mad at myself. i tried watching shows and youtube compilations about game of thrones and shit but now my bf is asleep and im alone and its all i can think about. im so fucking tired of being the person i am honestly and i dont mean that in an edgy way its just like jesus christ i wish there was less shit wrong with me. i wish i had any kind of willpower or discipline so i couldve learned these skills and been a better student from the start. i wish i wasnt a giant piece of shit!!!!! 

and now im going to be up late being anxious about all this which means that i will, once again, wake up late but also still be really exhausted, which means i’ll do a shitty job teaching and get overwhelmed by everything and who the fuck knows what fun bullshittery will ensue because of it. i am so fucking tired of me and my fuckery and the fact that it fucks with other people even why i try so hard for it not to. tired!!!!!!!! fucking tired

#p #this is literally like an essay #on why im a piece of shit lmao #ignore me!!!!!!

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

25 tweets about glasses to read while your glasses slide down your nose

Glasses wearers face a highly specific set of glasses-related issues. We've got lens fog, we've got rain spots, we've got the general oppressiveness of summer. Plus, we remember when people used to call us four eyes.

So as your own glasses slip down the bridge of your nose, transforming you into an even less authoritative Chuck Schumer, please take comfort in these glasses-related tweets. We need something to get us through those moments when our shirts are not the right fabric to clean our lenses, after all.

Please put your glasses on before you begin reading.

the most unrealistic part of harry potter was that nobody asked to try on harry’s glasses and make fun of how blind he was

— Conall Keenan (@_conallkeenan) May 17, 2016

#growingupwithglasses "Hey,can I try on your glasses" *passes them around the whole class*

— taskeen.🦋 (@taskeenkh) January 16, 2019

how weird is it that i have to have two pieces of glass sitting in front of my eyeballs so i don't mistake a small child for a garbage can

— kay (@kailywasserman) November 10, 2014

#GrowingUpWithGlasses when you have to clean your glasses but your shirt isn't the right material pic.twitter.com/BK2rj001aT

— Princess Anna (@ItsPrincessAnna) July 21, 2015

SEE ALSO: The boys' locker room meme is a sh*tposter's dream

#GrowingUpWithGlasses "can I try on your glasses?" pic.twitter.com/RWndnzLoY5

— K£N (@KenMwendwa) July 21, 2015

I made a huge mistake setting up my iPhone X facial recognition when I was in full makeup about to go out, instead of with no glasses, a faint mustache, and my face half-smashed into a pillow

— Rebecca Watson (@rebeccawatson) October 24, 2018

#growingupwithglasses Gotta remove those glasses during a haircut and it the haircut looks fine untill you put those glasses back on and realise how shit they look🤦🏼‍♂️

— JJ (@jainjenil237) February 5, 2019

#GrowingUpWithGlasses when you first got them vs 2 years later pic.twitter.com/fHmIOJONtD

— agent darkbooty (@LenfantSausage) July 21, 2015

#GrowingUpWithGlasses what you see when you lean too close to your bowl when eating soup pic.twitter.com/7xV7ExZzE8

— plinth🌹 (@plinthcedd) April 24, 2018

im going to superglue my glasses to my face so they cant slide down my nose anymore

— BbyShibe (@BbyShibeBH) May 8, 2019

Just seen a character on TV remove his glasses and actually have those two little red marks on either side of his nose where the frames were resting, and I am delighted to finally have representation on screen.

— Steven Perkins (@stevenperkins) April 23, 2019

Every time I try to function without my glasses I remember why average age expectancy used to be 35.

— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) July 6, 2017

[first date] HER: fake glasses don't really make u seem smarter ME:[peering at menu thru 2 donuts] what are u implying?

— a ghost, online (@AbrasiveGhost) December 27, 2016

Eye doctors : can you read the last line without your glasses a h f I k g h b n c Me : 7

— Queenie👑 (@Goddess_Mykell) May 12, 2016

when I forget my glasses @ tha drive thru pic.twitter.com/9IhlwamEeq

— st e v. e (@yungpunkbxtch) May 8, 2019

in movies, why do people take their glasses off when they see something incredible? wouldn't putting them on make more sense

— Gil Ozeri (@gilozeri) June 5, 2017

Face recognition on my device doesn’t recognize me with reading glasses

— Pati Jinich (@PatiJinich) January 19, 2019

[in a world without ears] Inventor: We need to design some sort of eyeglasses that will stay on people's faces Assistant: WHAT??

— Stevem (@SteveMarriott) April 24, 2017

Summer is just constantly pushing your glasses back up your face cos the sweat makes them slide off

— James (@jamesab_) May 23, 2018

tfw your glasses fit you really loose and your face is a little too greasy so your glasses just slide off at any given point

— k☀️ with luv (@rrelacksing) May 13, 2019

Do y'all not understand how much of a struggle this is? 😭 pic.twitter.com/17DgKbREVK

— Jarrel (@slimrel__) January 3, 2017

#GrowingUpWithGlasses nothing could beat the struggle of trying to drink something hot and this happens pic.twitter.com/lKsLm2ZHeN

— Steve Stifler (@StevStiffler) April 22, 2018

Sometimes I forget that there r ppl who don't wear glasses/contacts. Like they can literally just wake up and see, what a wild concept

— Mik (@mikaylapettipas) January 4, 2017

#GrowingUpWithGlasses going to a 3d movie like pic.twitter.com/QEDbknFfNj

— michelle (@mishadoodle) July 21, 2015

How do I keep from these glasses marks on my nose? Is this my life now?

— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) March 3, 2018

WATCH: Comedian Janelle James proves that she is amazing at everything — The Bob Ross Challenge

#_uuid:5fe2f0ce-4d68-3c2b-80a8-8cec951ad73c #_category:yct:001000002 #_lmsid:a0Vd000000DTrEpEAL #_author:Chloe Bryan #_revsp:news.mashable

[the-scottish-costume-guy]

My Trans Story

Story of my social and medical transition under the cut, I know its not trans day of visibility anymore but consider this a belated contribution. I hope it helps anyone who’s questioning, or even anyone whos curious about the experience. This is very long and has some mention of dysphoria, abuse, bullying but also has a happy ending so thats your warning:

The earliest I remember giving any indication of being trans was at five or six years old on my way to primary school with my mother (who I will mention was a fairly good mother at the time - this will be relevant later). I turned to her in my little green and white uniform dress and said “I’m a boy, aren’t I mum?” I’m not sure what prompted the question really curiosity maybe but my mother laughed it off - something I dont blame her for, kids say silly things all the time. I wouldn’t say I was a super boyish kid. Yeah I liked a bit of rough and tumble play, I was into pokemon cards, then yu-gi-oh, beyblades - which were all considered “boy” things when I was at school. I liked to play british bulldog and tag, and as I got older I’d get into Warhammer, Dungeons and Dragons, The elder scrolls and other nerdy things which are seen as more unisex now but again in the time were considered “boy” interests. But I liked having long blond hair, and I was curious about make-up. I liked to bake and sew and weave, and as a child I even enjoyed knitting. I cried easily and got hurt often - I was accused of attention seeking through most of my childhood though even looking at myself critically I can only ever remember wanting validation. When I was hurt, when I’d achieved something I was proud of - my motivations were called into question when I sought out help or interest. I remember being heartbroken when art I’d worked on was dismissed or I was told the bad bruise I’d gotten was nothing to be upset over and to stop seeking attention. It set me on a path of questioning everything I did and why I did it.

Unfortunately I have a lot of memory gaps in the lead up to high school and through much of school.

Fairly early on in school though I came out as bisexual. Honestly I think a part of me was threatened by cis guys masculinity and that drove me to women. I had a fairly even number of girlfriends and boyfriends. One relationship the boy I was with implied being ready to try sex and we ended up breaking up not long after when I distanced myself. I didn’t know how to explain the discomfort with my own body that I didnt even understand. How I didn’t want to be touched in certain places or do certain things. I felt like a freak.

It didn’t help that I was already bullied pretty much from the get go in highschool, from age 11 I did have many friends and there were periods where I had none. I was bullied for my hair, for not having friends, for being gay, for being depressed. Hell sometimes I was bullied for being bullied - high school is weird. 

I was also... “bullied” by a “friend” who would hit me, talk down to me, at times wouldn’t let me sit on furniture. Once she choked me to the point of passing out among other things. Somehow I was still convinced she must like me on some level - why else would she hang out with me? I wish I’d known better. She introduced me to the concept of being transgender but not in a way I identified with. She told me about a documentary of “Boy becoming girls and girls becoming boys.” she told me “The girls that become boys are always still pretty, you can tell they were girls. But the boys that become girls, you cant tell they were boys they just look like ugly girls.” I imagine shes less ignorant now but its stuck with me.

Eventually around age 16 Two trans people spoke at my school. They talked about how they always felt different, things they’d disliked about themselves - the relief of coming out. I understood completely but my brief excitement was dashed by their talking about harassment and fear. I wrote my email address on a slip of paper and ‘please help’ which I put in the box they were collecting at the back of the room for any questioning youth. They never emailed me. I made an appointment with my doctor.

I actually begged my doctor to fix me, and he referred me to a GIC (Gender Identity Clinic) in Edinburgh. It took a full year to actually be seen there. I told some of my close friends about my concerns and confusion, and came out as genderfluid. I used a random R based male name to try and settle - knowing that as it was fandom related I’d change it later. When I spoke to the specialist at the GIC, I came out as a Trans Man, I felt validated. I came out to my family not long after and it was not well received. My cousin (who had spent every summer with us for as long as I could remember and I viewed like a sibling) died when I was 14. My godmother (his mother) died a year after. Within the ten years since my cousins death, he, my uncle on my mothers side, my great grandfather, my godmother, my gran and my grandad have all passed away. When I came out to my dad he begged me not to put more strain on our family. My mother turned to drink when I was only 14 and had worsened becoming more and more abusive as time went on. I’d had mental and physical health issues since the age of 8 and my experiences were being written off. My mother got worse, and I ended up being her full time carer for a few years. She was abusive, she hit me, she destroyed my things, she wrote on the walls and threatened me with knives. When a letter for my third GIC appointment came, (the appointment that would have gotten me hormones) I highly suspect it was my mother that destroyed it. I didn’t even know I’d been dropped from the list until six months later when I called to ask when my next appointment would be. I’d apparently missed it and for that reason they’d silently, without fuss, taken me off their active patients list. I was upset but handling my mother was enough strain for me not to fight my case for another few years. I went to attempt college for a second time in 2015 - nearly six years after I first came out, and four after my first GIC appointment. I called my best friend over to my house, and together we sighed 15 deedpolls changing my name and title legally. I contacted the clinic and got another appointment for that September. The doctor wanted longer - more appointments to get to know me, but after hearing I’d already had two with another doctor, had waited four years, had told the story I’ve told you now - she told me she wanted to get me on hormones for christmas. She rearranged her schedule and had me come in on december 9th, four days later I had my first doze of testosterone. I didn’t tell my father that I’d started hormones but I had told him prior that I was going to soon. My dad continued not to accept me, as did one of my tutors at college. I kept my head down and muscled through. I’d become so used to not passing that only 4 years later, when Im passing easily and consistently, its both a shock and yet somehow feels like its always been the case. I had top surgery on October 23rd 2017. To my surprise, my father came to the hospital. He’d said he wouldnt visit, but made the 4 hour drive anyway. Last summer, he started introducing my as his son to strangers. He started inviting me out for drinks with him and my brother. He treated me how I had always wanted. Sure he still drops the feminine endearments in - but I’m not going to fault him that. Everyone I meet assumes Im cis until I tell them otherwise. I was finally comfortable enough in 2017 to come out as gay, and I’m now engaged to my wonderful Fiance who is just beginning his own transition journey. My point? It gets better is a tired phrase that feels worn out by use. And no my life isn’t perfect but dysphoria and lack of love is definitely not the problem. Years ago I felt I’d never pass, I told people as much. I thought I was ugly, and unlovable. Now I like how I look, I Know i pass because people call me “sir” “Mr” ect. One of the tutors for the university I applied to was excited to “finally have a man in the class.” 

The journey is long, and at no point can you see the end of it. Eventually you just look back and see how far you’ve come. Stay strong. 

#Transgender #tdov #tdov2019 #transman #ftm #my story #trans day of visiblity #transgender day of visibility