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stedefxckingbonnet · 6 months

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Moonlight Meetings | Izzy Hands x Reader

Summary: You knew Stede Bonnet from his days of being married to your dearest friend, Mary. Although Mary was your best friend, you were still there for Stede during his conflicting feelings about his marriage and wanting to sail the seas and explore the world and, well, become a pirate, and without judgment, too. You wished you had gone with him when he had left, but you stayed loyal to Mary. But upon Stede's return and him and Mary giving and getting the closure they mutually needed, as well as her assisting him in faking his death so he could truly go and live the life he's wanted to pursue without guilt, you do end up going with him this time. You actually reveal yourself to be a skilled navigator and trader, but even before this knowledge, the crew accepted you with open arms. Even a certain first mate who was weary at first (you are Stede's friend, after all) comes around, although you tried to take over his late night thinking spot as your own. You end up sharing said spot and looking forward to your encounters and conversations every night, even throughout the days.

Warnings: slight inconsistency with plot of OFMD (just the stuff with when Stede returns after leaving again, it's really not too evident or bothersome i don't think), some strong language, briefest mention of blood ever, some light angst, brief mentions of troubling past, brief explorations of anxiety, kissing

This honestly took me a few days to write, and Tumblr didn't save some of it, so that was frustrating, anyhow—I truly hope you all enjoy this! I enjoyed writing it. I have a few requests that I will be fulfilling hopefully tomorrow as well, or at least in the next couple of days especially after recent events if you know what I mean...I love you all so dearly and I cannot thank you enough for all the love you've shown me so far. I've enjoyed talking with you all whether it's through the comments or my inbox or even messages :) Keep the requests coming, and have a wonderful day (or night!)

Word Count: 5461

You had never fathomed that the sun could even shine this brightly. For once in your life, its beams didn't berate you but rather seemed to engulf you in a warm embrace as a sort of sendoff on your new endeavors, encouraging you, almost—reassuring you that this was in fact the right choice.

Ever since Stede had taken off to start his new life as a pirate amongst the ocean, you couldn't help but feel envious. You would have given anything to be able to do the same, to leave everything behind and start fresh, especially upon the saltwater seas. Barbados was all you had ever known and it never truly felt like your home. But even just the thought, the daydream of sailing the seas and discovering places you never imagined existed, felt like absolute bliss and paradise. You were sad to see Stede go, too, but you knew it would be good for him. You knew he would be happier than he was living here with Mary and his children, living the life his parents designed for him. You were undeniably happy for him. But you couldn't help but also be extremely jealous, too. Though of course, you would never express these feelings harshly—you really were over the moon for Stede. You just wished for something beyond the life that was handed to you, too. You knew he understood that, too.

Whenever you and Stede would whisper about his plans in corners at all of those socialite gatherings in the rare moments when no one was watching, he would always suggest for you to go with him, but you felt like you had no choice but to stay, especially with Mary. She was your dearest friend, and you felt strongly about your loyalty towards her. You'd never admit you were also terrified of your name being slandered and that your new reputation would follow you out there forever if you had left with him, at least at that time, in those circumstances.

But, Stede returned briefly, and all had been rekindled with Mary. They sincerely wished each other well, and she even helped him pull off a grandiose stunt—faking his death, and you knew that now, he was finally able to live the life he yearned for in peace and free of guilt. He killed off the Stede Bonnet of Barbados, and truly began to grow into the person he wanted to be—Stede Bonnet of the sea, The Gentleman Pirate.

Once he pulled it off, you walked over with him to the sand to send him off once again. There was a lingering moment between the two of you, both knowing that this would not be farewell.

"I'm going to ask you again," Stede started. "Do you want to come with me? Please, come with me, it's amazing out there. And the crew, oh!—you'd just love the crew! Please?"

How could you resist this time? Even before he had formally asked again, you were already on board, ready for whatever awaited you on this journey.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

The first few weeks aboard The Revenge had been nothing short of wonderful. You already felt well acquainted with your crew, and there were even a particular few you felt yourself getting closer to already, and hoped you all would continue to. But there were parts of it that were terrifying, too—it would hit you in the most out of nowhere moments that you just up and left your last life. It's not like anything, let alone anyone was waiting for you back there, but nonetheless it shocked you from time to time that you had even left. You felt like an entirely new person—you knew that in your core you were still you, but your identity felt a bit lost in this new environment somewhere. You hardly mourned this, as you were excited to explore a new you, but that didn't erase the fact that it was frightening. There were nights where you found yourself confiding in Stede about this for hours, but you eventually stopped as you noticed Ed would already be in his quarters when you arrived and you wanted to give them privacy. Still, you couldn't stand to be alone in your own quarters, but you weren't sure which of your crew mates' doors you could knock on just yet. The only place left was to check out the main deck, see if there were any nooks and crannies you may have missed.

After a few minutes of searching, you found the perfect spot—you couldn't really be seen by anyone else on the deck, if anyone decided to walk onto it, but you could still stare out at the water and the moonlight. The moon's reflection rippling across the ocean was one of your favorite sights—it brought you such peace, so you were honestly glad that you strayed from being holed up in Stede's room and wound up here instead. You were about to sit when you felt someone else's presence beside you. You jumped, immediately turning around to see who it was, your hand instinctively reaching for your sword.

"It's just me," Izzy sighed. "You can put your fucking sword away. Just me.

You let out a sigh of relief upon the sight of the first mate. You knew that his presence unsettled, or really just annoyed the others, but not you. His presence made you feel safe and looked after, even if he was a bit harsh a lot of the time.

"This is my spot, you know," he sighed once again.

"Your spot?"

"It's where I come to think every single night, even when I'm not on watch," he explained to you surprisingly patiently.

"Do you want me to leave?" you pondered, almost frantically. You didn't want to feel like you had invaded yet another space. You knew you would start spiraling, start thinking that maybe there wasn't a place for you aboard The Revenge. And honestly, Izzy wanted to be alone, but the look on your face almost pierced through his heart. He didn't have the heart to tell you off.

"You don't have to," he shrugged, sitting down beside you. "It's fine."

You both stared out at the sea. You were beyond grateful to have some company, honestly—company beyond the moon itself. Not long after, a sigh escaped your own lips. Izzy tried to fight off the urge to talk to you, but he couldn't deny that he felt so drawn to you, even when you first arrived on the ship.

"Something wrong?" he finally asked, glancing at you out of the corner of his eye. He intended to keep you in his periphery.

"I guess I've just been feeling kind of like an outsider," you shrugged, continuing. "Being here is all I've ever wanted and more, but I just feel like such a burden to everyone all the time. I don't really have anyone to talk to, and even when Stede left our village, I only had one friend. Now I just feel even more alone...It's silly, I know."

"It's not," Izzy protested. "I get it. I do."

"You do?"

Izzy nodded. "You don't ever see me talking to anyone, do you?"

You paused to ponder. "Not unless they need something."

"Exactly."

"Do you ever get lonely, Izzy?"

Such an innocent inquiry was enough to almost make Izzy's heart stop. Looking at you from the corner of his eye wasn't enough anymore. He turned his head to face you, witnessing the genuine expression on your face. You truly cared, and you truly wanted to know. No one had ever looked at Izzy this way before, and he wasn't sure of how it was supposed to make him feel—frustrated? Sad? Sorry? Joyous, even? He subtly put his gloved hand upon his chest, thinking somehow it would slow his quickly-paced heartbeat. He wasn't used to this, he couldn't even believe this was happening. He even felt he was reading too much into this—but, you cared, and he knew it right away. He didn't know what to do with that. But it was a pleasant feeling, teetering on bittersweet. Upon realizing your question was still hanging in the air, he quickly spoke again, his mind not exactly in sync with his mouth.

"I suppose."

Izzy's response hung in the air just as your query had. It felt relieving to put such a thing out into the universe, but it also felt dreadful facing this reality. Was this the reason behind the occasionally random sharp pains in his chest, almost reminiscent of someone stabbing him right through his heart with a sword? These physical sensations never came without a looming feeling of gloominess, after all. He almost exhaled at the thought. He wasn't sure whether or not he was ready to explore any of this, let alone if he even wanted to do so. His gaze was still fixated on you, as if he were awaiting to hear something from you as well. For once in his life, hope could be seen in his eyes, though he didn't know it.

Finally, you spoke. "I'll be the moon."

A laugh almost boomed from Izzy's chest. "What?"

"I'll be here every night, if you'll have me. If there's ever a particularly hard day, just remember that the moon will rise at the end of the day and be there for you to lament all your sorrows to," you stood up by this point, speaking sort of dramatically, but it was apparent that you meant it sincerely. "And even during the day, did you know you can still see the moon? So, I'll be there during the day, too."

Izzy was in complete and utter disbelief in the best way possible. He was truly at a loss for words, and he swore his head was going to hurt from how much he was nodding. You smiled at this sight, and held your hand out to help Izzy up. He looked at you, confusing written all over his expression, but you kept your hand there. Finally, he allowed himself to put his hand in yours and before he knew it, he was back on his feet again, in more ways than one.

"Goodnight, Izzy."

"Right. Yes. Goodnight."

The thought of Izzy didn't leave your mind even as you retreated to your quarters, nor when you succumbed to sleep for the remainder of the night's reign. Little did you know that Izzy thought of you, too. That you weren't just going to be his moonlight, but also, his sunshine. But he didn't know that just yet.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

You rose right as the sun did the next day, never having been more ready to take on a day until now. Something was even more enchanting about watching the transition of grey hues into orange into light blue, but this process in reverse would always have your heart. The rest of the crew woke up shortly after you, some still yawning, some stumbling upon the main deck from exhaustion. You couldn't help but giggle at such sights. None other than Izzy Hands followed behind them and your heart almost skipped a beat. Usually when this happened it was because you were overcome with worry, but, not this time and you knew that deep down. When you swore no one else was looking, you glanced over and sent a grin his way, to which he slightly returned—blinked, and you would have missed it. Your smile grew even larger, and you had to turn away to conceal it. Before you knew it, you felt a pair of hands on your shoulders, causing you to gasp.

"Someone's chipper this morning."

"Stede!" you exclaimed, laughing so hard that your stomach would probably hurt later. You swiveled around to face him. "Scared the ever living shit out of me."

"Sorry about that," Stede couldn't help but chuckle. "I just wanted to check in with you...are you feeling happy here? You settling in okay? I know it's a lot to just up and leave your life."

"Honestly, I've never been better," you admitted, your smile still existing upon you. And your smile was radiant—it had almost everyone's head turns toward you, their hearts feeling warm. Even Izzy. Especially Izzy. "I am so glad I did this. I regret not joining you sooner, but I—"

"I know," Stede jumped in to assure you, which you were endlessly grateful for. He knew of your tendency to spiral, and he wanted to cultivate a space where you didn't feel like you had to do so. "And I admire your loyalty. It's been an asset on this ship so far."

You sent a glance of gratitude his way before he walked off upon the sight of Ed emerging from his quarters, finally. You laughed as they made their ways over to one another. You were beyond happy to see your dear friend so happy, so in love. So in his element, where he truly belonged.

"Everyone, get to work!" Izzy suddenly shouted, to which the crew immediately scurried off to their designated areas. This didn't startle you, though. You made your way over to the kitchen to assist Roach in organizing the rations, accidentally brushing hands with Izzy as you did. You stopped in your tracks and looked at him from over your shoulder. He was looking at you, too, the smallest smile on his face. He couldn't look away, even though he wanted to just in case his face flushed or he smiled any further or, gods forbid, anyone else saw. You weren't afraid to keep smiling, and after what felt like forever of engaging in this staring match with the first mate, you finally ducked into the kitchen, so as not to keep Roach waiting. If you had, he would know something happened and he would pester you about it for the rest of your life.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Night fell sooner than you could realize it and for that, you were entirely grateful. You had been distracted the entirety of the day; the thought of whatever you and Izzy may have to share later dancing around in your mind, causing your heart to do pirouettes whenever you daydreamed about it. You almost couldn't even wait until everyone was asleep—but you knew this would run the risk of revealing your and Izzy's secret spot, and that would be less than ideal for the both of you. The last thing you wanted was to ruin a good thing that was only just beginning to blossom.

But tonight, Izzy was early. He found himself inhabited in the very same spot as the previous night, just as he had promised. Without a word, you plopped down right beside him, sending one of your signature smiles his way.

"I've never wished a day away like I had today," you laughed breathlessly.

"Nor have I. Yet, here we are." You could tell that there wasn't resentment behind Izzy's statement, but rather, a sort of joy. You discreetly moved a bit closer to him, your knees almost brushing against one another. Izzy also moved toward you at the same time, causing said collision. You were grateful for the dark concealing the rose tint creeping upon your cheeks. Izzy was grateful for the dark concealing the smile creeping upon his lips.

Izzy exhaled almost sharply, preparing to speak again, really speak. "I don't mean to scare off the crew, you know."

"I don't think you scare them one bit," you were quick to reassure him. "It's just how times were in the time where you sailed with Blackbeard, right?"

Izzy nodded almost rapidly, in utter shock that you already had such a good read on him. "Times were different, that's for sure."

"I can tell you care," you told him sincerely. "You just have a way of showing it that the crew isn't used to. I mean, they have Stede fucking Bonnet as one of their captains."

Izzy didn't hesitate to laugh at that. "Yeah. Stupid fucking Stede Bonnet...but what was it like?"

"What was what like?"

"Being a part of...that world. His world."

You rolled your eyes somewhat playfully. "It was...a lot, all at once. Lots of uncomfortable clothes, powder on my face that made me look sickly but everyone would swear I was beautiful. But I never felt like a real fucking person. Ever. It was honestly exhausting."

Izzy listened intently, leaning in a bit to further demonstrate this. He nodded as you spoke, nods that spoke: I understand. That does sound like a lot. That does sound exhausting. It's amazing that you left that life behind. You're destined for so much more than what you were given. But all Izzy could manage to say, was, "No wonder you left. That sounded awful." He was mentally punching himself for not thinking of anything better to say. You deserved words in which were beautifully and artfully strung together. He knew that.

But, you laughed, knowing he empathized just by the way he looked at you. You were no stranger to these sorts of glances—sure, no one had ever looked at you that way before, but it was all you read about in your favorite romance novels, described so vividly that once you did encounter a moment like this, you would immediately recognize it, and, you did. "I'm better now. Much better. Where I need to be."

Once again, Izzy nodded. "You've been a great addition to this crew."

"Really?" you asked, almost in disbelief, but you were flattered to say the very least.

"I wouldn't have said it if I didn't mean it." To anyone else, this would have sounded harsh. To you, these were the most reassuring words you had ever heard. He looked over at you, insecurity rushing through his bloodstream and you could see this. Even in the light of the moon, you could see the paleness of Izzy's face.

"Thank you, Izzy." You spoke sincerely, and suddenly all pigment re-entered Izzy's once ghostly features. Such words felt so foreign and out of reach for him, until you had confidently brought them into existence. From you, this declaration wasn't a whisper—he could tell that you meant it with your entire heart. He couldn't even recall the last time someone had shown him a shred of gratitude, or if anyone ever had at all before this. Just those three words were enough to send warmth all throughout his body even as the breeze threatened to send shivers down both of your spines and force you underneath the warmth of your blankets in your respective quarters. This would be a warmth that would carry on every time he saw you from this point on—you would be the start to the fireplace in his heart, and part of him knew this was going to begin to happen from this moment forward. As long as you were going to be around, he knew he would at least never be entirely freezing again.

All Israel Hands could manage to do now was look at you. There were stars in his eyes paired tears hat threatened to cascade down his cheeks like waterfalls and he hoped so much that you weren't able to see, that the moon would spare him at least a bit. But you so badly wanted to reach out and wipe away the water from the corners of his eyes, though you wanted his complete trust even more, and that seemed like the last way to get it, at least this early on.

"My eyes just get dry," Izzy quickly defended in case you had seen anything.

You stifled a quiet laugh. "It is pretty windy out here."

"So, see you tomorrow, then?"

"Tomorrow," you confirmed, not even trying to conceal the corners of your lips rising to form a smile.

⋆.ೃ࿔*:･

Tomorrow's would unfold every single night, not one ever missed. There were even a few nights that you happened to be in the midst of a cold but you insisted to be in your spot with Izzy, to which he would protest and you would compromise by allowing your meetings to happen in your quarters as he got Roach to make you soup, and you were better within the next few days. And even on the days where Izzy felt like absolutely screaming and cursing at the world, perhaps directing this to Blackbeard and Stede, he would still eagerly await your time together—it would be beyond enough to get him through those days.

It had now been quite some time since these meetings began. You were really beginning to solve the riddle that was Izzy Hands, and you quite liked what you were finding, and it only made you yearn to uncover even more. But, there were many nights and even days spent where you worried—worried that perhaps Izzy was ashamed of the connection that you two had formed, and that was why your encounters took place at night. Or, perhaps he was just lonely, or he had nothing better to do. You did your best to push these thoughts to the back of your mind but you usually had no luck. And, it was even harder to deny the blossoming feelings you had for the man.

Even before the first time you two had really conversed, you knew there was something about the first mate that you were drawn to, and these nights with Izzy had only confirmed that.

Little did you know that the same fears, and probably even more, existed within Izzy. Of all the people in the crew, why had you taken interest in him? He knew that even Stede Bonnet was probably of more interest, with his fancy wears and his everlasting bookshelves. Or Frenchie perhaps, with his instrument and his voice that the crew never got sick of hearing. Or Lucius with his sketches and his wit. Or hell, even Blackbeard himself, with all of the anecdotes he had up his sleeve—but why him? Why Israel Hands? This thought often plagued him to the point where his head would begin to hurt just a bit, and whenever it did (and, you knew when it did—he wasn't the best at hiding the wincing at all), he would just cake it to the changes in weather, or something that had happened that day, or even not drinking enough water. You always knew these excuses were, well, excuses, but you also knew it wasn't best to press.

Sometimes, part of Izzy wished that you would press. It was you, so he wouldn't mind as much. It wasn't likely that he would pour out his concerns, but he would appreciate yours.

As soon as you arose, you already spotted Black Pete and Lucius, who absolutely qualified for the cutest couple award, if there were such a thing—you wouldn't be surprised if Stede had established that just for them. But, your heart sank just a bit, knowing you couldn't express your growing love for Izzy like that. You weren't even sure you would know if he returned your feelings, and the last thing you wanted to do was ruin such a beautiful thing between the both of you with such knowledge, especially if he truly didn't feel the same. But every morning, your heart would ache, and it became harder and harder to keep all of this love to yourself. You wanted more than anything for it to pour out of you like a fountain that never stopped flowing. You reserved such ardor for Izzy and Izzy alone. Never had you carried such affection, such fondness for another, and not only did that excite you, but it also scared the hell out of you.

The crew noticed this after the first few weeks—oh, you were far from subtle. You practically glowed whenever Izzy entered a room, even if you appeared completely composed.

Finally, Izzy rose from his quarters and your heart leapt in your chest. You couldn't hold it in anymore, and there was no way you were waiting for the moon to rise tonight. You waltzed right over to Izzy, gently pulling him aside. He didn't resist your touch at all—it felt almost familiar, and peaceful.

"Do you have a moment?" you suddenly asked.

"For you? Always. For anything else? Probably not," he chuckled.

Before you were about to speak once again, Stede had announced that the ship had docked. You sighed, slumping against the railing that you and Izzy were propped up against.

"Can it wait?" Izzy asked you sheepishly, his eyes apologizing.

"Oh. Yes. Yes, it can," you sighed.

"Not for long," Izzy assured you as he rushed off in order to ensure the ship's safe docking. It only took a few moments before he gestured for you to follow him off of the ship. You perked up at this, grabbing your satchel and running over to him.

"So, what is it you wanted to talk about?" he asked as you walked along the pathway of the Republic of Pirates.

"I...It's nothing. Not here, at least."

"Then where?" Izzy sent a playful smile your way.

"Could we actually head back to the ship? Just for a moment?"

Izzy pondered this—for just a moment. "I suppose no one would really notice, and if they did, they wouldn't care all that much."

This time, Izzy followed you. You were already beginning to regret this quite a bit, and beads of sweat were forming upon your temple. You wiped them away carefully, fanning yourself with your hand. You led Izzy to your shared spot, barely being able to breathe. Nor was Izzy with the way you were practically running back, and he had to do his best to keep up the pace. But the thought that something could be wrong was beginning to plague him.

"I couldn't wait until tonight," you finally admit, nervous laughter bubbling out of you.

"Most days, I can't either," Izzy sent a reassuring, but equally as nervous smile your way. "All of the time, actually."

All you could manage to do was sit there and just glow. You glowed underneath the sun's beams and the sight of it made Izzy absolutely melt, and not from the heat.

"Is everything alright? Just wanted to talk?"

Your eyes stayed fixated upon the man before you, the person whom you carried so much love for that it almost overflowed out of you. And, it was no secret that you had never felt this way about anyone before, and Stede Bonnet himself could and would be overjoyed to confirm it. You were often urged to find some sort of attachment toward a plethora of potential "worthy" suitors, but none of them ever caught your eye, nor had much to offer you despite all of their pleas. You always had this feeling deep down that none of them were truly suitable, and so you bore no hesitation saving yourself and your heart for someone that was. And Israel Hands was beyond anything you had ever dreamed of. He suited you so perfectly. He was worthy of all of the love in the world and so much more—you just hoped yours was enough for him. You hoped he would want any of it—it was his if he did.

And oh, did he want it. He yearned for you. Izzy's heart ached when the two of you were forced to retreat to your quarters after hours of conversation. He could spend forever just sitting there with you, his arm wrapped around you as you witnessed the sky's change every day, together. To him, that would be absolute paradise. Every second he spent with you, and even when you were apart, he knew in his heart that he held this special sort of feeling for you. Dare he call it love, as he didn't want his heart to shatter into a million pieces that he wouldn't be able to pick up. But, you were it for him, and he knew that deep down. He could see it in your eyes, or at least, he hoped that was what he was seeing. You did look at him with stars in your eyes, and you knew that.

"Please, don't hate me," you started, biting your lip so harshly that it almost drew blood.

"Hate you?" Izzy repeated, absolutely puzzled. "I couldn't hate you even if I tried."

You inhaled so sharply that you almost choked on air. You laughed it off, though Izzy instinctively placed his arm on the small of your back, tracing small patterns into it. With this, you collapsed into his arms and he was already set up to catch you. Sobs escaped your lips as he moved one of his hands to the back of your head, running his fingers through your hair in an attempt to hopefully soothe you. These weren't instincts he was familiar with, yet, he felt as if he was meant to do these things. "You can tell me. Take your time, of course," he assured you as you continued to cry. After a moment, you managed to compose yourself a bit and you felt okay enough to pull away, but Izzy kept his hands on your upper arms gently, just in case. He was really starting to grow concerned, his stomach churning.

"You won't hate me?"

Izzy laughed, to which you managed the smallest of smiles. "I could never."

"I...I feel very connected to you, Izzy," you began. "And our conversations have really confirmed that for me. I don't just think about you at night before we talk—do you know that? You are the first thing that enters my mind each morning and then I can't wait to see you, really see you and talk to you and be close to you. And some days on this ship are hard, Izzy, but you make things so much easier. You take so much weight off of my shoulders."

"The thought of getting to talk to you gets me out of bed every day," Izzy admitted. "I've been doing this a long time and sometimes I don't know what it's all for anymore, why I even bother. But if I get to see your smile, it's all worth it."

You swore you were about to become a blubbering mess if you opened your mouth to speak at all. As you took a step forward towards him, your fingers intertwining as you approached. His other hand gently landed upon your waist, and your eyes met at the same second. The gap between you both was too much, too much, and neither of you could take its existence anymore—he gently reeled you in and you pressed your lips against his. He quietly gasped in surprise, though it was quickly followed by a sort of sigh of relief as he returned your kiss, returned your sentiments. You smiled against his lips and he couldn't help but do the same, there was no denying that your smile was contagious. He felt as if he were meant to do this, meant to show you such tenderness and care and love. And you would do anything in your power to show him that he was worthy of all of yours.

"I..." Izzy whispered against your lips. "I love you." The words almost got stuck in his throat—they felt unfamiliar, and unfamiliar was rarely not terrifying or dreadful. Right now, unfamiliar was exhilarating. Those three words were the truest he had ever spoken. You lit up more than the sun, the stars, and the moon combined.

"I love you, Israel." You had saved those three words for someone special, someone whom you truly adored without any question, and Izzy happened to be that someone. Anyone else would never, ever compare. He engulfed you in another embrace, your shirt becoming slightly stained by his tears. "I was meant to."

"Meant to what?"

"I was meant to love you. Made for it, probably," you laughed.

Izzy took hold of your hand once again, disentangling himself from your embrace to face you. With his free hand, he cupped your cheek and his thumb caressed it softly. "I think perhaps the moon knew to bring us together. But I loved...I loved you even before then. Or at least, I had a strong feeling I was going to. That, I'm certain about."

"Think we still have some time before everyone notices we're gone?" you asked, hope wavering in your voice.

"Oh, we've got ample long as they're at Spanish Jackie's," he couldn't help but chuckle. "We've got all the time in the world, my love."

"All of the time in the world," you repeated. "I love the sound of that."

#ofmd #our flag means death #izzy hands #izzy hands x reader #ofmd season 2 #x reader #izzy hands my beloved #ofmd s2 #fanfic #ofmd izzy hands #tumblr deleted the ending the first time so please bear with me #keep the requests coming #please request #requests are open #requests open #israel hands #israel hands imagine

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aihoshiino · 4 months

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chapter 136 thoughts

before i get into the sad stuff i need to say that ai eating ice cream with her head empty no thoughts expression blasted ten hundred million billion tons of dopamine directly into my brain. thank you.

This chapter is interesting for a lot of reasons but I will say up front that I'm really glad the story is taking the time to humanize Nino and to flesh out the absolute mess that are her feelings towards Ai. I was really excited when she entered the story because I had always wanted to know more about the 45510 narrator (which this chapter basically unambiguously confirms even more strongly than before — we get the 45510 drop again!) but I was worried after meeting the real Nino that she would be painted as a black and white villain. Through Kana's empathy for her and the movie's portrayal of her though, we get to see her as just a normal person.

Because like… I'm gonna be honest, I feel so deeply sorry for Nino! Like, Jesus Christ, don't forget that she was anywhere between twelve and sixteen when all this was happening. She was just a kid being brainpoisoned by the entertainment industry and held to impossible standards. She had no power and the few things she felt she had any control over were being ripped out of her grasp. Is it any wonder she reached a breaking point?

Not just that but… man, B-Komachi gen 1 just seemed like it was an utterly dogshit experience for everybody but especially anyone who wasn't Ai. Both Nino and Kyun have said it explicitly: they did not feel like valued members of the group. Saitou pushed and favoured Ai to the extent that everyone else in B-Komachi felt like backup dancers who were just there to make Ai shine brighter. We see this pattern repeated in B-Komachi gen 2, as well! I've already talked about how in a very real sense, the group only exists for Ruby's sake and Kana and Memcho really are just there as her accessories but Miyako herself is favouring and pushing Ruby for work to the extent that even Ichigo points out that she needs to give the other girls more jobs. No wonder Kana empathizes with Nino so deeply.

Something else really interesting about this chapter is getting to see what dealing with Ai is like from someone else's POV. Understand that I'm saying this as the Internet's Foremost Ai Wife Guy but oh my god!!! I think this is the first time we've gotten a really good understanding for how deeply, deeply frustrating Ai really must have been to deal with as a person only allowed to see the perfect 'Ai of B-Komachi' mask. Nino is all but breaking down in front of someone she considers a friend, begging her for the slightest bit of honesty and authenticity, for Ai to just show that she cares about Nino in the least… and Ai just gives her a bunch of blithe, noncommittal answers. Even knowing Ai as well as I do, I could almost feel a ghost of Nino's desperation and frustration pass over me as I read that exchange.

With that in mind, Nino's outburst at the end of the scene here doesn't feel like pure nastiness - it feels like desperation. It feels like her lashing out with the worst possible thing she can think to say because if she hurts Ai, if Ai actually shows that Nino's words reach her at all, if Ai's human enough for Nino to hurt then…

But, well. We already know how this all turned out. Even so, like Kana said… Ai's smile is suffocating.

Speaking of Kana, this was a damn good chapter for her. A lot of people seem to have interpreted her as getting 'lost' in the role of Nino but going by this chapter's portrayal, Kana seems to have a much healthier distance from her than Ruby does to Ai right now (BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT….), being literally portrayed as viewing the scene as if from a distance. I do think her empathizing with Nino is allowing her to examine and get out some of the hurt and resentment that's been bubbling away since Black Hoshigan Ruby but things are being so infinitely more complicated by everything else going on around this split.

Speaking of which… whoooooooof, Ruby. Her levelling up her understanding of Ai was uh, not quite as good for her as I'd previously thought. It's important to note that this is pretty clearly Ruby's feelings that she is projecting onto Ai: in 45510, Ai herself explicitly says that she never hated the B-Komachi girls and Ruby blurting this out here feels like a very pointed contrast to that. It's pretty clear to me that we're coming back around to something established during the preproduction phase: that this material is quite literally triggering for Ruby and it's damaging for her to be engaging with it.

… which is why it's so, so scummy for Gotanda to be pushing this. I'm holding back on really going into what I'm thinking of Gotanda right now because I want to see if/how the manga addresses this but I'll just say that I'm coming away from this part of the story feeling much more sour about him than I think I'm intended to. It's possible that this is just because I'm fresh off hearing Jeanette McCurdy's horrific account of how damaging this kind of acting was to her as a child but… I find it really hard to like and get behind a director who is purposely letting his actors endure intense psychological suffering for the sake of His Vision lol

After all, like… for all that he talks about wanting to film 'the true Ai', this Ruby freakout is not that! That's Ruby, snapping under the strain of the pressure put on her. Even if you want to argue Ai felt similar strain… is her restraint and her grace and patience in not giving out under it not also 'real'? Why does authenticity necessitate turning Ai's ugly feelings into a spectacle? Why does Gotanda think he has the right to make calls on what is 'authentic' here?

I'd say "who died and made him king" but that's the point, isn't it? Ai died. She's not here anymore to make calls about her identity and the people who are here and who are in a position to do so aren't actually doing it with care and consideration or proper respect for her memory. This movie has been touched by so many people who have their own agendas, who did not know anything about Ai and quite frankly have no right to be making calls about who she really was and what she really felt. 15 Year Lie is an utterly ghoulish production and nobody is coming out of it clean.

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk spoilers

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etherealfishyfeelings · 4 months

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Whole Sign vs Placidus

Disclaimer: this is my own personal experience with these house systems. And its kinda weirdly worded lol. My blog, my rules. Neptune = Bamboozlement. Fight me. This is a rant.

ya know, the way that I've come to reconcile Placidus and Whole Sign house systems is that I feel that Placidus is where I am psychologically but Whole Sign is just the reality of my life. I think noticed this really strongly in my Neptune placement, my Neptune is literally in the middle of nowhere in terms of aspects, it makes no major aspects to my personal planets really.

In Placidus it sits in my 10th house and I personally felt like my career was a bit of a conundrum for a very long time but in actuality I never really experienced any bamboozlement in terms of my public image and career. I think a lot of the confusion was normal(it felt enormous though)? Like just a normal amount of confusion at what I wanted to do with my life, always landed up in more venusian positions(handling people, design and artistic themes, somehow always moved to handle conflict) even when I did not want to be there(venus in the 10th conjunct mc in Whole sign, in placidus its in the 9th, like literally 1 degree away from the cusp, and i really romanticised higher education before I realized I hated structured education, but I think I will always romanticise intellectual topics and notions. My agnostic ass loves me some religious art even if I think that most religions are full of shit).

However, in Whole Sign my Neptune is in my 11th and that is genuinely the only part of my life where I experience frequent and consistent bamboozlement and it took me A VERY LONG TIME before I noticed. Like i literally only noticed it like 2 years ago. Every time I join any type of large friendship circle or any kind of network I always tend to see it through the rosiest of rose-coloured glasses and I am always left completely gutted and shocked when the truth comes out but FR, like if I'm being honest with myself, the signs were there the whole time and I often became really angry with anyone who questioned anything about these friend groups while I was in the thick of it.

#whole sign #placidus #house systems #neptune in the 10th #neptune in the 11th #astrology

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allthoseotherworlds · 5 months

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Okay, here's what I am imagining after that weird male-presenting timelord scene. Please imagine Sylvie and Shaun just standing awkwardly to the side the whole time. Also on AO3.

“It's a shame you're not a woman anymore,” Donna was saying, “‘cause she'd have understood. We've got all that power - but there is a way to get rid of it. Something a male-presenting Time Lord will never understand.”

The Doctor watched, confused, as Donna and Rose released the metacrisis energy. He wasn't confused about the release of the energy, of course, now that it had been pointed out as an option. He was so, so grateful that there was a way out of this, a way not to lose the friend he cared so much about and had always regretted losing.

But.

He watched as the remains of golden regeneration energy fizzled away into the air, then turned back to Donna and Rose.

“That's incredible! The metacrisis energy was too much for one person to release, but split between two, it's reduced enough to be let go without damage. Brilliant!” He paused. “I'm not sure what gender has to do with it though?”

“Oh, you know,” Donna said. “It's just…” she paused. “I always heard that woman are more emotionally mature, that sort of thing.”

“Actually,” Rose said thoughtfully, “I'm not sure that's true. I've known plenty of women who could use more emotional maturity. Think about Nerys-”

“Oh, that woman!” Donna grumbled. “You may have a point.” She turned back to the Doctor. “It's still not something you'd ever come up with though. I guess I assumed it's because you're a man now.”

“Am I?” The Doctor asked. He didn't know why he said it, really. He mostly let humans assume what they wanted, and it mostly didn't bother him. But it was Donna, and she was clearly accepting and loving towards Rose, and this face seemed much worse at hiding things than his last.

“Well, aren't you?” Donna said. “I mean, you've never corrected anyone.”

“I guess we never did ask your pronouns,” Rose said. “But when you assumed he for the Meep I guess I assumed that meant you were a man.”

“Most people do. The Doctor said. Mostly I let them.”

“But…?” Donna asked gently, and the Doctor was suddenly so proud of her and Rose and the loving relationship they had with each other.

“Well, you know,” the Doctor ran a haha through his hair. “I'm just… the Doctor. Sometimes people think I'm a woman, and sometimes people think I'm a man, and I'm not really either. I'm just the Doctor. I know what humans are like, in this time period, so I mostly use “woman” or “man” because it's what people expect. But it's not… it's not some fundamental thing about me, a defining trait or experience. It's just something to go along with. It's just how other people treat me, not something I am.”

Donna nodded, thoughtfully, but it was Rose who spoke.

“You do… know that gender normally is something people experience and feel strongly about?” she said. “I mean, that's why I'm trans - I just feel it inside. It's not about how other people see me.”

“I'm not sure I've ever felt that,” the Doctor said. “Like I said, I'm just… me. Everything else is just other people.”

“I'm sorry for assuming,” Donna said. “What about pronouns? Do you have a preference?”

“Oh, I don't think so,” the Doctor said, mostly by reflex, before stopping. “Actually, of the available options in English, I think ‘they’ is most accurate. But like I said, it's not that important to me. I just brought it up because, I don't know, I guess I just wanted you to know.”

“Well, now we know,” Donna said. “Thank you, Doctor.”

“Thank you,” the Doctor said. “Both of you.”

This face was more emotionally open, but even it had its limits apparently, and the Doctor shook themself off and gestured at the exit to the unit compound. “Now, shall we go find the Tardis?”

#Doctor Who #The Star Beast #Doctor Who Stories #Nonbinary Doctor #I am talking

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kingofthewilderwest · 3 months

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Moral Orel hit me in a sweet spot. I think it’s beautiful seeing fans on different paths discussing how the show touched them. I’ve seen people who’ve left the church, agnostics, atheists, and Christians all say the show spoke deeply to them. Of course the show’s black humor on religion offended many, especially before its last season aired, but I think the show’s resulting legacy - connecting to people who’ve both left and who’ve stayed - demonstrates successful nuance to how Moral Orel was crafted.

The show’s creators have said it’s not against religion per se, it’s against hypocrites. Even with the first season, I felt that and found appreciation (frankly, joy) for what was satirized. Here was a show speaking up, exaggerating, and lampooning the facets of Protestant American Christian culture I’ve vented about in confidence to relevant friends and family - without, like many modern shows which tackle this subject do, mocking followers themselves, faith itself, and suggesting to viewers one way of life is better than another, one group of people is (ex: intellectually) superior to another.

Some people have stepped away from Moral Orel and said, “This show comforted me when I left church,” or outright, “This show taught me there is no god.” And that’s not an unfair way to interact with Moral Orel because it doesn’t preach what you “should” do there (a sign of mature writing, really). I stepped away from Moral Orel and said, “This show comforted me in the areas I get frustrated,” which assuages my feelings and makes me more confident in my faith and place within culture.

I feel awkward in contemporary culture because I was raised with minimal secular exposure - daughter of a worship pastor, student at a private Christian school until high school. Meanwhile, in adulthood, I didn't attended church functions for over a dozen years. My group of friends have largely been non-Christians who hold negative opinions about the religion and don’t live remotely similar lifestyles to what I was raised with. I love what I've learned from them. Unfortunately, this also means the cultural building blocks that make me who I am seem shared by no one I'm around, which, even though I'm in my 30s, remains disorienting.

On the flipside, I'm the weirdo with the third eye in Christian spaces, too. I’m an ever-thirsty knowledge-seeker who strives to comprehend forbidden topics from all angles. I spent my twenties researching, questioning, rebuilding knowledge, and critically analyzing everything about the Bible. Church attendees and services feel painfully artificial, with mental blockers to topics I feel are critical to understand.

In either community I partake in, I feel “off.”

I’m grateful to have been raised by parents who didn’t pussyfoot around issues, with a father who deep-dives research. Discussions, delving, and digging into the hard stuff has always been fostered. My family spoke to pastors when we disagreed with their theology. I grew up around people who practiced passive acceptance, but my family was not that.

In the last year, I’ve returned more strongly to my faith and have been reintegrating with the Christian community. In some areas, my faith has grown and, humbly, I’ve learned much from peers. Despite stereotypes, I want to note that, in certain fields, the church community has always been deep and meticulous! And there are so many beautiful and uplifting areas in the church. But likewise there are those areas that get assumed, aren’t questioned, and aren’t… responded to well by questioning spirits. There have always been areas in the church culture I find disingenuous, foolish, illogical, limited, oversimplified, denialistic, or susceptible to hypocrisy and immorality. I’m not better than any person on this planet, but I’m rubbing shoulders with a community that has different blinders than I do, who don’t even consider asking the types of questions or seeking out the information I find necessary for a solidified faith.

Moral Orel disparages the toxic elements of Protestant culture, the misinterpretations, the artificial facades, the mindless assumptions, the poorly-hidden underbelly, all the areas Christian community can and does go wrong. It makes me feel justified feeling awkward in two worlds: someone for whom Christianity is deeply important, but someone whose mindset doesn’t jive with the rest of the town. Someone who can find and wants to find the best lessons outside of Christianity. Someone who believes in questioning, rethinking constantly, raising her eyebrows at common notions within church culture, and striving for the actual love, sincerity, dedication, and goodness our faith should be based on.

#Moral Orel #Christianity #religion #non-dragons #sad thing is this is the shortened version of my uh essay -_-#I suck at short so here's long!#I don't need to give MY LIFE STORY #or every grievance I have in church or my philosophy on what a Christian Should Know knowledge-wise #but yeah #instead of flinching at the hardest topics I believe in bludgeoning into them full force #aka #data and logic are made by God therefore #if God is true #I should be able to dive as deeply as I can into logic and come out the other side #faith isn't the same as data and I think Western culture gets that balance hella wrong #but faith isn't contradictory or trumped by it #anyway tags are getting off-topic #tldr love that Moral Orel is something that I can connect to #btw #there are so many beautiful beautiful things about the church which is why I love to be there #but of course there are those well-known elements that make me facepalm and I'm just talking about those #don't mean to portray the church incorrectly here either

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just-jordie-things · 11 months

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Could you do 7 and 73 from the kiss prompt list with Megumi? (It’s ok if you only want to do 1)!! Thanks ✌🏾❤️

(repost!) i'm doing both bc 73 might be my fav <3

7: "I've Missed You" Kiss 73: Height Difference Kisses Where One Person Has To Bend Down And The Other Has To Stand On Their Tippy Toes

**aged up characters!!** ___

you enjoyed traveling for more advanced missions. it made a great sense of pride swell inside of you to know you were qualified to take down a grade one curse currently terrorizing hong kong. you also enjoyed exploring new areas, learning about new cultures and more specifically their food.

since being promoted to a grade two sorcerer, however, the elders have been sending you off on one assignment after another. so much so you've been bringing your school assignments with you just to keep up with the rest of your classmates. it was tiring, spending every minute of your day either exorcizing a curse or studying calculus- the former of which coming easier to you, claws and fangs and all.

but you'd been away from jujutsu tech for three weeks now. nearly the whole month. and you were starting to lose your excitement about your promotion.

and meanwhile at jujutsu tech, megumi was starting to feel the same way.

he was proud of you for achieving the promotion you'd worked so hard to earn, he felt strongly that you'd deserved it, and had worked hard alongside you to help you earn it. and at first he enjoyed hearing about your trips, too. sometimes you'd bring him gifts from the places you went, a little souvenir, or a carefully packaged treat for him to try. while it made his heart stutter that you'd bring him something and not your other classmates, he found it sweet of you.

but three weeks was a long time. yeah, you texted back and forth here and there, but megumi was terrible at starting conversation, and he refused to send a simple 'hey'. he found it lame. even though yuuji bugged him about texting you more to show his interest, he didn't want to send you empty texts. he wanted to have real conversation. like you shared when you were here.

while yuuji and nobara hadn't noticed megumi's fondness of you while you were still at jujutsu tech, it was made abundantly clear to them once you were gone. their sea-urchin-haired friend seemed even grumpier than usual. his frown was his resting face. his patience was always worn thin. he refused their every offer to hang out.

it was obvious he was missing you, and it was obvious you were what brought him out of his shell- even just a little bit.

and of course when nobara and yuuji had pieced this together, they were relentlessly vicious. but they had to be. their resident gremlin had a crush on a ray of sunshine that rivaled yuuji's never-ending joy? naturally they involved themselves.

when you received a call from gojo saying that you were to be sent home from your mission early, you were defensive at first.

"you think i can't handle this? i've already found the source of the curse, i'm staking it out right now. have you not read my reports? i've been tracking this thing for weeks-!"

"megumi's been hurt"

your sensei said more than just that, but the rest of his explanation was an echoed haze in your ear as you made haste in returning to your hotel to retrieve your things. all you really gathered was that your reports have been wired to a student from the kyoto school also looking to make a debut as a grade two, and that you were to take the first flight to tokyo available.

it's not until you're on the plane that you realized in your rushed packing that you'd left your phone charger on the bedside table, and your favorite shampoo in the shower. but the time to chastise yourself for not paying better attention would have to wait, because your anxiety about returning home was poisoning your every thought.

surely gojo had explained megumi's situation to you, but now that you think about it to try and prepare yourself for what you're returning home to, you can't recall what he'd said. an exorcism gone wrong? an attack on the school? an accident in training? you raked your memory for what it could have been that caused megumi to be in such poor condition that you've been instructed to return to tokyo right away, but you can't remember it now.

you're the striking image of worried sick. your foot is tapping rapidly against the ground. your eyes glazed over and unblinking as you stare out the small window at the white-nothingness of clouds you're flying through. there's music playing in your headphones but you're deaf to anything but your uneven heartbeat.

when you land at the airport you'd even forgotten to pick up the bag you'd had checked. ijichi had to convince you to go back for it before he took you to the school.

in hindsight, ijichi probably should have found it strange the way you'd only asked how megumi was doing in that strained, concerned voice you had. when he'd told you that the young sorcerer was doing as well as he could be, he should have questioned why you seemed to wince. but he'd brushed it off as young love being the tricky thing he is and thought he was doing you a favor by not asking any questions. it wasn't his business after all.

you forgot- or left- your bags in the car when you arrived at jujutsu tech. in fact, you'd practically flung the door open and leapt out before ijichi had put the car in park. his hollers at you to be careful and slow down were distant as you raced through the front gates and up the stairs of the main hall at a speed that rivalled light itself.

you weren't even sure if you'd made it in time, or where you should head first, the infirmary or megumi's dorm, and your mind was a twisted haze of nasty thoughts. concern. guilt. love. regret. failure. they all had your heart beating so irregularly that another sprint like the one you'd just sent yourself on would probably knock the poor overworked muscle out and send you to an early grave.

but just to your luck, your heart leapt back to life as soon as you turned the corner to head to megumi's dorm first, since it would be the closest.

your sneakers skid to such a fast stop that their squeak on the linoleum echos through the corridor. a gasp escapes your throat before words can and your eyes are bulging out of their sockets because right there standing in the hallway is fushiguro megumi and he seems to be in the perfect condition of health.

and megumi, the poor sorcerer who had just been taking a walk to the library, is so surprised to find you standing before him- panting so hard your chest is heaving at a concerning rate- that he wears almost your same expression.

"(y/n)?"

"megumi?"

your confusion is displayed at the same time, both of you certain that the other is in the wrong place. but before either of you can ask what you're doing here, you're legs are pushing you again and you're leaping into his arms.

megumi has to scramble to catch you as you crash into his chest, your arms flinging around his neck in a flailing, uncoordinated motion before tightening around him so much he wheezes a bit into your hair. it's a bit of a painful reunion, not to mention confusing, but megumi welcomes your embrace nonetheless. his own arms wrap around your waist and he returns your snug hold with just as much enthusiasm.

the moment is peaceful for a mere few seconds, before you're releasing him, standing flat on the ground and staring up at him with wandering, worried eyes.

"are you alright? you must be, you're standing here, but gojo said- did you get hurt? was there an accident?" you're rambling fast and your words are slurring into one another but megumi's grown used to your (and yuuji's) fast paced speech enough to follow along.

"i'm fine?" he says, and it sounds like a question as his brows pinch together. "i'm just surprised to see you, i didn't think you'd be back until june"

"well i- well i would have been- but- but you were hurt," you explain, still stammering as your heart and mind are playing catch up with the fact that your so beloved megumi didn't seem to be hurt at all. it was like mental gymnastics, trying to calm down as the reality was standing before you, perfectly unharmed. perfectly perfect. "gojo said i needed to come back right away, i thought- i thought..."

you trail off, unable to find the words to explain the heavy dread that had rested on you for the last ten hours of traveling it took you to get here.

megumi shakes his head, a humorless scoff escaping him.

"well i don't know why he would do such a thing," he explains. "i haven't even been given a mission in, like, three days"

while you want to scold gojo for playing such a cruel trick on you, you're too overwhelmed by your relief to care too much about it. it shines through as you finally give him a smile, and a final sigh helps to even out your breathing.

he was fine. he was perfect. he was right there in front of you.

"i missed you," you say, before you can really think about the weight of the words, but even as your cheeks feel warm with a creeping blush, you don't care. it was true. "a lot, actually" you admit softly after a beat passes.

megumi opens his mouth to say something, to tell you he missed you too, or that he was glad to have you back so soon, but before he can commit to the words you're stepping into the space between you and you're on the tips of your toes. his wide eyes fall shut when your hands brace themselves gently against his shoulders and without an ounce of hesitation your lips collide with his.

his shock at seen you had barely worn off before he's shocked again by you kissing him, but just as your presence was, your kiss was welcomes warmly. any lingering nerves or shyness escapes megumi as his hands instinctively reach to your jaw, cupping your face as firmly but delicately as he could as he craned his neck down to deepen your kiss before you could pull away too soon.

your heart is soaring as you shuffle on the tips of your toes to press as close to him as you can, no amount of closeness, of warmth, being enough. his kisses are gentle, his lips soft as they prod and slide against yours, and even though your lungs are running out of air it seems he has no such issue, and continues to lock your lips against his.

you can tell that he's been waiting to do this for a long while, just as you.

when you do finally pull away, and only because you must gasp for air or else you'll pass out in his arms, your grin is unfiltered.

"i missed you too," megumi confesses as you rest down to your normal height. his own grin mirrors yours, and his hands remain on your face, thumbs stroking delicate shapes into your skin. "a lot" he repeats your words.

a breathless laugh escapes you, and he can't help but to lean down to steal one more chaste peck.

"but we have to go deal with gojo now, right?" you hum, and megumi nods at his thoughts put to your voice.

"i have a feeling we'll have to deal with yuuji and nobara, too" he says with irritation.

and while you're both upset about the cause of your reunion, you head off planning your revenge hand in hand. ___

a/n: gojo satoru definitely doesn't understand range when it comes to pranks. if anyone watches new girl he's literally winston bishop. xoxo ~ jordie

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scary-monsters · 2 months

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some thoughts on parental loss, isolation, self-sabotage, etc etc. not a necessary read but. just where my head has been lately.

march and april are very difficult months for me, every single year. my birthday approaching always manages to send me into a cycle of nauseating anxiety, and april is the anniversary of my dad's passing.

i miss my dad more than i have in years, and i'm not entirely sure where that's coming from. he passed away suddenly in his sleep, without any warning, back in 2011, just weeks before my high school graduation. i remember the morning of his death more than i remember than my grad ceremony. it's a common thing to say but: i am my father's daughter. i look in the mirror and i see him looking back at me, and the older i get the more clear it is.

i see the good things: someone who values laughter and laughs often, someone who shows love for people through actions, someone who loves music, someone with a creative spirit who constantly yearns to make things, someone who loves animals, someone who believes strongly in individualism

but i see the bad things too: someone who isolates themselves to an unhealthy degree, someone who feels this inherent fear over connecting with people, someone who doesn't ask for help even when it's critical, someone who struggles with emotion regulation, someone who harbors a lot of resentment despite trying not to, someone who aches for the numbness that comes with alcohol

he was an alcoholic, and i don't feel bad saying that because he would've openly admitted that to anyone who asked. he said it to me many times during our nightly "bonding" sessions during the last couple years of his life, which was essentially both of us on our own computers doing our own thing while he drank and drank and drank and told me to be quiet about it, keep it secret, and proceeded to say horrible things about my mom and me and my siblings. but i was expected to sit there and listen. i was raised to be his "best friend", i wasn't his daughter. and i have worked very hard to forgive him for that, but it still stings sometimes.

some days i want nothing more than to yell at him, now that i'm older and i have a voice of my own and i understand how unfair his treatment of me was. other days i want nothing more than to cry in his arms because despite being scarcely physically affectionate, my dad gave some of the best hugs i've ever felt in my life. i will never forget the two times i can recall him hugging me, those memories come back to me when i'm at my lowest, and i replay his voice saying "i'm proud of you" over and over again in my head.

i see more of him in my personality every single day, and it scares me. i remember how openly he talked about wanting to die, how he told me exactly what songs he wanted played at his funeral just months before he suddenly passed. it was as if he knew it was going to happen, but he was always at peace with it. unfortunately i see those thoughts and feelings in me lately. i have written letters, countless times. i know exactly what song i would want played at a funeral, though admittedly i wouldn't really want one in the first place. i am at peace with the idea of not waking up one day. but that scares me.

ever since the holidays last year, i've been pulling back more and more from everyone around me. and i don't know if people notice, i try not to think about it because it sends me down a thought spiral that only makes me feel even worse. truly? i don't think people would notice that much if i died, it's not as if i'm very present in people's lives as it is. i simply don't have the energy to be. i have little faith in my ability as a friend. i look at everyone around me, at the friendships they've cultivated, at the bonds they have, and i wonder how it is that people can so easily find connection with others. my entire life it's felt like a battle. on the rare occasions that i do feel like a part of something, it fades after a few months and i feel like i'm back at square one, like i have to restart. that cycle has followed me my entire life.

and that's sort of where i am right now. i don't feel at home anywhere. i don't feel important. if i were to look at myself from someone else's point of view, i imagine that i'm the person who's special when it's convenient. someone who exists to build up other people, to help them move forward in life. and that's not a bad thing, in fact i love having a positive impact on people or helping them when i can, but when i've been used up and i'm not useful or interesting anymore, i feel like i'm often tossed to the side. i have always felt replaceable. i've been told i'm lackluster, that my personality is nothing special, that i'm one-note, that i offer nothing. and i am starting to latch on to those words more and more every day.

but back to my dad: something he frequently told me was that i "don't need people" and that "they will just use you and hurt you" and i fully believed that for most of my life. it wasn't until i was in my early 20s that i started to realize how lonely life was, so i tried making friends. but my toxic traits came to bite me in the ass, every single time. whether that was the period of time where i was an undiagnosed bipolar neck-deep in an explosive manic phase, or frequent phases where i simply backed away from everyone out of self-preservation, until i was ultimately forgotten. i fear i'm reaching that point again, and it's so frustrating because i have done so much internal work. for years. and it's like those words keep coming back. people will hurt me. maybe i've always been meant to be alone. i don't like that reality, but again: the older i get, the more i feel myself becoming a loner who craves connection but fears it so deeply that it doesn't seem worth it anymore.

in an ideal world, i would be a faceless artist who creates things for herself and anyone else who likes it. someone who doesn't necessarily need anyone, doesn't desire connection, is satisfied with being by herself all the time. but the truth is that's not what i am. i crave connection so much it makes me sick. but i don't know how to get it. i don't know how to feel secure in any of my relationships with anyone. maybe i'm not capable of it. i'm one of the weakest people i know in terms of emotions, i have to be handled so delicately and it feels so unfair to expect that sort of delicacy and care from anyone. i never saw it growing up, i was surrounded by silent rage that festered until emotional blowups happened, and i was expected to fix things, i was expected to mend those relationships. i was a child. and i still feel like a child. i still feel like that girl that's constantly on high alert waiting to take care of other people so i'll feel at least some semblance of worth. all while i fight to ignore my own wants and needs. i am just so tired of feeling so worthless. i want someone to take care of me for once. and i'm afraid that's never going to happen, that maybe my dad was right all along.

#jesus christ this is long lmfao #im being extremely open and candid here but please don't feel obligated to read this #only necessary if you fully want to know where my head is and want more context for my self-imposed isolation

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aroarolibrary · 9 months

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Is it possible for me to be a platonic but not around/ace? like I'm allosexual alloromantic but when I saw the definition of aplatonic I just felt so seen. Reasons I think I might be aplatonic:

1) The only time I ever actively try to seek out other people's company is when I'm romantically/sexually attracted to some degree (which, to be fair, is actually kinda frequently even though I don't usually act on it; I'm just a very sexual/romantic person tbh. All the times I've actively gotten close to someone and then became good friends, it has always started with at least a minor romantic crush that was unrequited or that I didn't wish to take to that level because of other conflicting factors [e.g. coworkers, already being in a relationship, etc]). I don't view these as being the same as squishes because these are basically people that I would definitely date under certain conditions that just don't happen to be met and so I don't pursue them in that sense.

2) I have friends, but besides the aforementioned crushes-turned-friends, they're kind of just people who ended up in my life somehow, or who became attached to me and then put in the work to get close themselves. I find it easy to meet new people and become acquaintances but very hard to get close, and hard to know who counts as a "friend" and at what point that distinction is made.

3) A lot of people in my circles are also very touchy-feely and I am STRONGLY touch-repulsed from anyone I'm not in a romantic relationship with; words cannot describe how uncomfortable it makes me to be casually touched on the back or arm by another person as part of normal "friendly" conversation. And yet this repulsion doesn't apply to romantic/sexual partners at all, I actually love affectionate touch in those situations but ONLY from romantic/sexual partners.

So like, is this anything? Are there allo-allo-apl people? Can anyone else relate? I don't want to co-opt a term that's not for me but I really feel this one in my bones.

Hi anon!!

My opinion of this has changed with the expansion of the aplatonic community and with more voices coming forward to share their stories. Which is to say that: yes, I absolutely believe that an allo/allo person can be aplatonic.

And I will give you the answer I give to most questioning people which is: a label is meant to help you. The benefit of labels is to help you put easy words to your lived experiences and feelings and to also find a community of people who also share these kinds of experiences. If you feel that the aplatonic identity works for you and helps you with all of these things then absolutely try it on! You might find that it really does fit you perfectly, to which I say: there are definitely other AlloAlloApl’s I have seen in the aplatonic tag, and if it doesn’t? Well, it is just a label and you can remove it at any time that it is no longer helping you.

I hope this helps anon!

#aplatonic

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fairycosmos · 4 months

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do you have any advice on how to overcome internalized homophobia? I’m a bi woman but I have a hard time accepting I’m bi, idk I always felt very strongly about gay rights but didn’t realize until recently I actually really like women and it kind of freaked me out….. the dread that wells up within me is actually kind of terrifying. I have conservative parents who are just casually homophobic but I mean they would never physically harm me or directly confront me about being gay but I think their casual indifference and disdain still left a deep impression on me. I had a girlfriend when I was 16 and my then girlfriend’s mom was really homophobic and to this day it’s painful to think about. Also I guess I always pinged as gay to lots of my classmates because at every school I was enrolled in during high school I always got mocked for being gay/into women. Well. I think I’ve always known I’m bi but not until recently did I realize I actually want to be with women. Do you have any advice how to build yourself up after such instances? How do I extend love to myself and accept myself while still remaining closeted and not having any sort of community in my social life…. I want to move out and live with people my age and make queer friends but I don’t even know where to start. I get so jealous seeing other people happy in relationships with supportive communities and families, which makes me a bad person I know but I just wish I had the guts to actually invest time and energy to build the life I want 😭

i'm going to be very real w you i may not be the very best person to ask. yes, i'm a bi woman whose closeted to my family, so we're on the same page as far as that goes, but i think based on this ask thar you're in a bit more of an extreme situation than me. my parents would describe themselves as liberal as far as economic status goes but they've definitely got an implicit bias towards the lgbt community and it has showed ever since i was a kid......i honestly do not know what they would do if they knew i was bisexual, idek if i would have a relationship with them at all. so I find it hard to offer any concrete advice on building yourself up after coming out bc, obviously, i haven't even gotten there myself - i'm out to some friends and stuff but not to family. i think more than anything we're in the same boat, i daydream about moving out and meeting queer friends too, it is a really really difficult position to be in. i wanna say the only thing i've done in the last 2 yrs go sort of expand my horizons is go to gay bars - though i have to get the train for 40 min to get to to one - and try and get in contact with any sort of lgbt support or community, even online.

something i want to impress is that you don't have to talk about your sexuality to anyone unless you're comfortable doing so. for the longest time i felt like i was betraying everyone by not immediately announcing it - being bi - but i've come to learn that is truly just. my business?? and not even a big deal to most ppl??? i often feel so perverted, so wrong, so just like. ashamed of experiencing same-sex attraction, but genuinely - we don't owe that information to anyone unless we decide for ourselves that it's relevant to that particular dynamic. it's really really hard for me to accept, and i still find it hard to even say "i'm bi" out loud. but i think i just want you to know w this message that i at least somewhat get it and that you're not doing anything wrong by just like. being who you are and doing what you can to get by authentically. sending a massive hug your way - if you want to talk about this more, feel free to message me anytime!! x

#anon

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sapphire-weapon · 8 months

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Sorry if some of what I say doesn’t make sense, I do not speak English that much.

Honestly Claire in DI is one of the worst things Capcom has done to a character. Revelations 2 happened before RE6 around 2011 I believe and there we have an older (mentally and looking) Claire who is badass and mature. With an adult attitude and appearance.

Death Island happens in 2015, Claire is closer to 40 than 30. So why does she still look 17? Characters age and it is okay, in REV2 she is older and more mature but still funny, old doesn’t mean boring. I found her character really consistent (i know REV2 had a few issues with her character but aside from that I found her consistent) until Death Island.

Rebecca is even worse IMO, she is the same age as Claire yet literally acts like a kid. And Jill acts as if she were the older version of Moria Burton and Leon also has little personality in the movie (and both were still the most decent characters in Death Island). And Chris…he looks like him but it definitely doesn’t feel like him. This Chris literally seemed like he didn’t GAF about Claire at all. I don’t see the RE6 or RE8 Chris it literally feels like a new Chris (with no personality)

Maybe I missed something because it looks as if Chris is the only character allowed to age, because the rest don’t even look almost 40 and they almost all are… but Rebecca is worst on that. Hoping that I am not the only one who thinks since so I would love to hear your opinion on all of this.

So Capcom already admitted outright that they haven't shown the female characters aging literally because they didn't want to and didn't think they'd look good. So that's definitely a thing. Not much we can do about that, but it is what it is.

I don't know how people look at DI Leon and don't see 38, though. Straight up. His character model for that movie was a slightly tweaked version of his Infinite Darkness one, and I felt that Leon looked way too old for 29 in ID to begin with. I assumed he was 34 in ID before I learned when it was actually meant to take place. He looks very normal for his age in DI.

In fact, I would say that Chris looks too old. He's 43 in DI. He looks at least ten years older than that. At least. I would've placed him at 56 if I didn't know better.

Like. I don't know if this is a case of people just... not being around people in this age group often enough to know what people in this age group are supposed to look like, but Leon does not look too young, and Chris looks very old.

Source: am 34 with a brother who's turning 40 in a month, whose friends are mostly older than him.

In terms of the characterization, I really strongly disagree with most of this. The only one I agree with you on is Chris. DI Chris didn't feel right.

But everyone else felt perfect to me. Like, the best versions of the characters we've seen in over a decade (remakes not withstanding).

I actually hated Claire's portrayal in Rev2. I don't know how someone fucks up Claire's character to the point of making her not know how to handle or talk to children, but Rev2 pulled it off. I have very few kind things to say about Rev2 in general, but I thought whoever wrote it completely missed the point of Claire's character.

DI felt like the most authentic version of Claire since Code Veronica. She was pissed off, yet compassionate, and she was smart and got shit done. That's Claire in a nutshell.

Rebecca seemed absolutely no different to me at all. RE0 Rebecca is RE1 Rebecca is Vendetta Rebecca is DI Rebecca. I don't see what you're seeing there.

I've talked about the changes in Jill's character a few times; basically, Jill is still the same character that she always was, she's just less subtle now. Jill was always fiercely independent and domineering and stubborn -- it was just way more low-key before. She's just louder now, basically.

And Leon...

Death Island is the best portrayal of Leon in the OG timeline, period, and I'm not kidding. Death Island Leon is Leon. That's who he is.

DI takes all of the different facets of his personality that this series has played with over the past 25 years and blends them all together at the correct ratios to create what is, I believe, what Capcom has wanted Leon to sound like since RE6 but has never been able to pull off.

I'm kind of feeling like... if you don't like DI Leon, you just don't like OG Leon as much as you think you do lmao

OG Leon is a tired, cynical man who hates himself and resents his position in life but does what he does because basically no one else can -- and despite hating himself, he's actually very vain (likely to mask how much he hates himself), so he shows off a lot, specifically BECAUSE he knows that no one else can do what he does. He's used to being the smartest person in the room, so he comes off as arrogant, even when he's not trying to be. And then he tries to make himself seem more palatable by trying to be the funny guy, but he's the only one who thinks he's funny.

Like. That's OG Leon. And that's exactly who he is in DI. DI was pitch perfect with him.

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shadamyheadcanons · 1 year

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Hi! I wondered if I might ask, what makes you ship shadamy? I've seen your posts about why you don't ship sonamy, but none about why you do ship shadamy. I'm sure that you already have a post or two on the subject. I just haven't found it/them yet. I would love it if you could leave a link to them for me. I would honestly appreciate it! PS: I loved your Halloween shadamy head cannons.

To be honest, no one’s ever straight-up asked, which was always fine with me; I have trouble narrowing things like this down. It’s tempting to just give up and vaguely gesture at the whole blog, but I think I can do better than just that. For those who want a quick answer, the most concise explanation is probably this post about how they’d resolve arguments. More details can be found under the cut. It’s a long post, though.

I was about Amy’s age when I first played Sonic Adventure 2. I saw a sweet, cute girl accidentally latch onto a supposedly “evil” guy...who surprisingly made no effort to push her away, instead responding with a smirk in his first moment of true gentleness. And I was immediately smitten. As the game continued, Shadow fascinated me, and I felt real pain at seeing Amy cast aside and ignored by her friends. And then someone finally listened to her, finally valued her input, and it was the same conflicted, complex guy as before. She had such an effect on him that she moved him to tears and inspired him to save the world in a moving sacrifice. It was the most powerful moment I’d ever seen in a Sonic game.

Over the years, my love for these two never waned. I found myself wondering time and time again why they never interacted. It may have been what sparked my strong preference for the Serious Character X Sunshine Character trope, with a hint of Bad Boy X Good Girl to boot.

As I grew older, my thoughts on romance matured along with me, and it really struck me just how perfect these two are for each other. I can finally put it into words.

They’re compelling partly because of their similarities. To me, Shadow and Amy are the most passionate characters in this franchise. They are dedicated enough not just to be heroic, but they’ll reach the point of anger in their desire to protect their loved ones. They’re the first to stand up when others are mistreated, and they’d do so for each other in a heartbeat. Shadow does this for Amy in Headcanon #284, and Amy does the same for him in Headcanon #223. They’re also steadfast and stubborn enough to stand up to each other when one of them goes too far, even in situations where other characters would back down. Both of them *need* someone that stubborn in their lives.

It’s because they’re on the same level that they’d connect so well. I’m passionate myself, so I know from experience that it’s validating and wonderful when your partner matches and appreciates your efforts and feels just as strongly as you about injustice. Amy in particular has been told many times to calm down, but he’d never say that to her. Headcanon #64 demonstrates this well. She could recognize and appreciate his own personal brand of dedication. Headcanon #76 proves how. Most people wouldn’t think of Shadow as a particularly romantic person, but she’s open-minded and sees romance everywhere. She’d be touched by his efforts.

Their differences would compliment each other extremely well, too. Shadow’s lost a lot and can be overly protective of his loved ones, while Amy can be unusually clingy. Is that not a perfect combination? Headcanon #90 goes into this.

Shadow and Amy’s connection stands out because they don’t interact in the same way with anyone else. Amy can always get through to Shadow on a level no one else can match. He’s already weak to her, even with their limited screentime together. She steers him in the right direction. Following her always puts him on the right path, one that leads to his own fulfillment. Her effect on him is deep and impactful. He’s feared by humans and mostly left alone, but here’s this girl who always unfailingly believes in him and seeks him out. In Sonic Battle, she gets legitimately angry at Rouge for not telling her where Shadow is.

How many characters make such a point of reaching out to him? The fact that they know so little about each other only makes this stand out more.

He tends to be nicer to her than he is with other characters, too. After he helps Amy rescue Cream in Cryptic Castle in Shadow the Hedgehog, he warns her to be careful, a surprisingly soft statement coming from him in a game where he’s at his “edgiest.” Headcanon #273 and Headcanon #249 explore how I think this could extend to their relationship.

For Amy’s part, there’s only one person she treats like she treats Shadow.

And it’s Sonic. Of course it’s Sonic. Her “beloved.”

See that interaction up there where she interrogates someone because she’s so desperate to find Shadow? Who else does she do that with?

See how she looks at Shadow at the end of ShTH?

Does that look familiar? It should.

Everything Amy loves about Sonic is something Shadow has, too. Courage. Heroism. Selflessness. Shadow’s got it.

The only difference? Shadow isn’t afraid of commitment. Sonic’s evasiveness has consistently been a source of frustration, even pain, for Amy. Meanwhile, Shadow is a steady, fiercely loyal, committed man who’d appreciate a solid relationship. He already has a steady job, and with all the hell and turmoil he’s been through, I can’t help but feel he’d be happiest with something real and stable with someone who’s always, always had faith in him. The guy could use some consistency in his life, and helping and protecting ordinary people is what he’s built for and makes him happy. He’d love to come home to her at the end of the day. Headcanon #174 details this well.

It’s clear from Sonic Battle that Amy wants kids someday, and Shadow’s good with kids. Not only did he help to rescue Cream in ShTH, but Charmy thinks he’s great and sees him as a role model. It’s a rare gift to effortlessly get a kid to think you’re cool and worth looking up to. Sonic can do this, too, but it’s more in an older brother/mentor kind of way. That’s very different from being a dad. You have to be very present to be a parent, something I personally feel Shadow would be better at. Sonic may be an exciting person, but I think as Amy gets older, she’ll find she’s much happier in the arms of someone who wants to be there and values consistency the way she does, and when she figures that out, her dark hero will be waiting for her. Headcanon #188 and Headcanon #224 force her to really think about this.

So...yeah. There are so many things only they can do for each other that I really can’t put them with anyone else, so many levels they’d connect on.

Past that...my earlier headcanons were far simpler than the giant stories I churn out now. I think they got across my reasoning more effectively. I’ve recently given all my headcanons a proper tag, so anyone who wants to read them in chronological order can do so with this link.

Unfortunately, that link will only work on desktop because tumblr’s just like that. If you’re on mobile, you’ll have to either open that link in your browser or go in the usual backwards order with this link.

#amy rose #shadow the hedgehog #sonic the hedgehog #shadamy #not a headcanon #long post

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musingsofanaroace · 27 days

Text

Realizing I was Agender

When did I realize I was agender?

I've never encountered this thing called gender. I was three or four years old when I fist realized that the gender binary confused me. I didn't innately feel like a girl nor did I innately feel like a boy. I always felt like I was just a person, an individual, a homo sapiens. I didn't understand why girls were supposed to like "these things" and boys were suppose to like "those things". To me, toys and clothes didn't have a gender assigned to them. I played with toys that I liked and dressed in clothes that made me feel comfortable. Disregarding the fact that my undiagnosed AuDHD made school and social situations a bit challenging, I had a pretty happy and carefree childhood.

Then, at ten years old, my idyllic world came crashing down upon my head when I learned about puberty. Even though I knew better, I was convinced that I would never get a period or grow boobs. For I knew that I wanted to remain gender neutral in appearance for the rest of my life. Essentially, I wanted people who looked at me to think, "Oh, no! Male? Female? I don't know which one you are."

When I got my first period at eleven, I was in denial. It took hours for mi madre to convince me to use a sanitary product. And to this day, I still feel uncomfortable buying them at the supermarket. I can't wait for the day when I don't have to worry about it anymore.

And then came the boobs. And when the boobs came, gender dysphoria really dug its talons into me. I remember crying in the shower and trying to push the breast tissue back into my chest.

At fifteen, I came up with a term to describe my experience: nongender as in "no gender detected".

When did I discover the term agender?

In the last year of university, while doing an essay for a composition class, I came upon the word agender in a psychology journal, and it resonated with me strongly. I then learned that this term fell under the trans nonbinary umbrella. And from that day, I have used this term to describe my gender identity.

When did I learn about top surgery?

While at university, I read Stone Butch Blues by Leslie Feinberg for a queer literature class.

It was a revelation to me that I could remove the lumps from my chest that caused me such intense dysphoria. From that moment, I knew that I would get top surgery.

What was my coming out experience?

In high school, I told my best friend that I had no gender, and he just accepted it. My parents never really understood it, but they do hold many liberal beliefs and accept the fact that people experience life differently than they do. For them, all that matters is that I"m happy and healthy. I haven't told my other family members because I know they wouldn't accept it.

Which pronouns do I use?

I use they/them pronouns.

Do I get misgendered?

Yes, it happens all the time. I even got misgendered in the ASD and ADHD reports even though the doctors had stated in the first paragraph that I use gender neutral pronouns. I even got misgendered in the author biography of my self published novel Secrets Within because the cover designer refused to respect my pronouns.

When I get misgendered in my everyday life, I politely correct them. Sometimes they respect my pronouns and sometimes they don't. When someone continually misgenders me on purpose, I simply cut them out of my life, for I don't need toxic people around me.

After all, using my correct pronouns isn't that difficult. It's not rocket science; it's basic English grammar. Repeat after me, "You can use they/them pronouns in the third person singular." Also, I have the Merriam-Webster dictionary on my side. It states that the word "they" can be used for nonbinary people.

And this concludes how I realized I was agender. If you have anything to add, please leave it in the comments. Until next time, take care and stay curious.

#lgbtqia #agender #transgender #nonbinary #stone butch blues #personal essay

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dk-wren · 1 year

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Thanks for answering my ask.....if you don't mind me asking (again), who are your favorite romantic relationship's couples in books/ manga/ anime/movies/tv series (can be canon or non-canon)? Why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before......Thanks....

Hello again @dnana-2809-blog!

Of course, thank you for the ask. And apologies for the delayed response. School and work have been consuming a lot of my time, so I haven’t had too much time to write down my thoughts/answer your question (at least not in a way that I felt satisfied with).

After racking my brain, here are my favorite ships/couples:

Kazurei (Kazuki Kurusu and Rei Suwa from Buddy Daddies)

Kanera (Kanan Jarrus and Hera Syndulla from Star Wars Rebels)

Fierrochase (Alex Fierro and Magnus Chase from Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard series)

Twiyor or Loiyor (Twilight/Loid Forger and Yor Forger from Spy x Family)

Pricefield (Chloe Price and Max Caulfield from Life is Strange)

Wrightworth (or Narumitsu) (Phoenix Wright and Miles Edgeworth from the Ace Attorney series)

Kazurei

The way I view Kazurei as a ship changes from day to day, and I think that's pretty amazing. There are several moments while watching Buddy Daddies that I was screaming in my head that they are so in love with each other and just kiss already. But at the same time, I really enjoyed how their relationship can also be interpreted as QPR or two people who deeply care for one another as friends.

At least currently, I don't really feel strongly one way or another (i.e. I won't say one interpretation is right/wrong). What I love about Kazurei though, that I feel Buddy Daddies does explicitly show, is that the bond Kazuki and Rei share goes deeper than just friends or just workmates (case in point, they raised Miri for 10+ years together). They truly care for each other's well being and that the other is looked after, whether or not that has romantic underlinings.

I get so happy seeing them together and when they do their usual antics. While I would have been over the moon with a kiss or wedding bands or literally any canon confirmation of them as a couple, I still love this ship and its ambiguity over how they would personally define their relationship.

(Also ngl I have not felt this strongly for a ship in quite a long time. And yes, the picture I chose for Kazurei is very intentional)

Kanera

I think from the moment the introductory short "The Machine in the Ghost" premiered, I've shipped these two. I can't remember when exactly, but at some point either during the first season of Star Wars Rebels or between the finale of S1 and start of S2, I read A New Dawn and began shipping them even harder.

I think the nurturing attitude both characters have and the "mother/father" roles they took on for the rest of the Ghost crew really helped me fall in love with this ship. I did not think Kanera would actually become canon, even though there were so many moments that hinted towards their relationship. So I was absolutely screaming for joy when the first kiss happened in S4. While I'm sad that on-screen dynamic was only shortly explored, I do love how each was able to grow individually over the course of the show, without it being tied to their partner or them as a couple. Because each character was able to be well-developed and have their pasts explored, I also think I was drawn to this ship since there both characters are complex, carry their own baggage, and support each other without being reduced to simply "the lovers."

And while I absolutely wanted them to have their "happily ever after" as they ride into the sunset, I am so glad that Hera now has Jacen, who will always be there to remind her of Kanan's love for her.

Fierrochase

It's been several years since I've read the Magnus Chase series (I'm long overdue for a reread), but I'm gonna do my best to remember my first impressions of Fierrochase. Perhaps it is because I was younger, but I remember really liking the banter and interactions between Magnus and Alex. It took me a moment to realize that I was totally shipping them together.

Their kiss in Ship of the Dead (book #3) was so tender and it made me so happy to see this ship become canon. Also, the ending for that book was so sweet. And while I would love to see more adventures with Magnus and this group of characters, I love how there is an openness in their stories and the development of their relationship.

I am a big fan of Percabeth, but I wanted to include Fierrochase because this ship deserves more love and attention. Likewise, since there is less canon events of Magnus and Alex as a couple, I feel I love them even more due to the amount of potential where their relationship can go. (One final thought-I think the chaotic nature of both Magnus and Alex is another reason why I love this ship so much)

Twiyor

Reflecting on why I love Twiyor, I can't really recall the reason why I started shipping them together. But as soon as my friend introduced me to this manga/anime, I was shipping them. Since I knew my friend read the manga, which was further along than the anime, I remember after watching the first few episodes, I asked them if Twiyor had become canon yet/any identity reveals. While I am dying for the day that they hopefully reveal their true feelings for each other (if that day comes), I have been enjoying the development of Loid and Yor growing more confident and comfortable in their roles as chichi and haha to Anya.

Like many other characters in the SxF universe, Twilight/Loid and Yor both carry their own losses and share the experience of having their childhoods stripped from them. I think the fact that they have found each other and (I feel at least) can truly understand each other's double lives or the reasons for their true occupations, this is the main reason why I love and ship Twiyor.

While there have been more Twiyor moments since I've first joined this fandom, which has just made me fall even more in love with them, I still don't completely know why I ship them together as hard as I do. But, I absolutely adore Loid and Yor and would love for both of them to know that the other is there for them (as well as hopefully accepting of them too).

Pricefield

Max and Chloe have been through a lot together, and not just in terms of the events of Life is Strange. While both Max and Chloe have their own guilt or regrets for how their friendship previously ended when Max had to abruptly leave Arcadia Bay, the fact that they are more or less there for each other during the 5 days that make up Life is Strange, and all the craziness that happens each day, makes me want to root for them to be together and happy with each other's company.

Literally, these two have been through so much together, and survived, that I can't help but feel it is their destiny to be together (forever). While player's choice can lead to different endings/outcomes, the fact that one ending canonically confirms they are still together, traveling across the country made me so happy. Not just to know they are alive and doing well, but that they have yet to leave each other's side. Similar to many of the other ships and couples on this list, I love this ship because they stand by each other's side through everything the universe throws at them. And now that they are relatively free from past events, they are allowed to explore and spend all the time they want together, making up for all the years and missed memories.

Wrightworth

Somehow I came across Wrightworth before actually watching/playing Ace Attorney. Since I was not familiar with the context of this ship, I was like "Cool" but didn't feel too strongly (at least not yet) for this ship since I really had no idea what was happening otherwise in the AA universe.

Once I started watching/playing Ace Attorney, I understood why basically everyone shipped Wrightworth and quickly jumped onboard too. Sooo many of their interactions just left me totally confounded as to how they are not explicitly canon. And as many people have joked or teased about, the fact that Phoenix literally became a lawyer to see Miles again in court, like AHHHHH!!!

In the case of Wrightworth, I think this is a ship that once I knew it existed, and had a bit more info about their pasts and relationship as presented in-game (but also the anime too), I was like yes, they are a couple/married, your honor.

Honorable Mention: Zeddison

(Zed Necrodopolis and Addison Wells from Zombies)

Compared to the previously mentioned couples and ships, I am not as huge of a fan of Zeddison (not in the sense of I don't ship them, but there are other couples I am rooting for a lot more than them). However, considering the amount I have written about and analyzed Zombies/Zeddison on this blog, I feel they definitely deserve some mention.

Zeddison very much represents the trope of star-crossed lovers or two lovers from opposite sides, with Zed being a part of the zombie world and Addison a part of the human world. Overall, in terms of form, I do not think this couple does anything super groundbreaking (or that hasn't been seen in movies before). However, over the course of the three Zombies movies, I do appreciate how different stages of their relationship are shown (Exp: revealing their relationship to their family/peers, jealousy, reconciliation, and worries about being long distance). I love Zeddison because of how much they are willing to stand up for their partner and really don't care about what others think of them together. And again, I also love that their relationship is composed of both highs and lows, which are explored to an extent.

Thank you again for this ask!

I had a lot of fun thinking about my favorite ships, especially since I haven't spent too much time thinking overall or collectively about all the ships/couples I love. Hope my answers are somewhat interesting. Thank you again for your patience as I worked on this ask!

-Dakota Wren

#asks #favorite ships!#kazurei #buddy daddies #kanera #Star Wars Rebels #Fierrochase #Magnus chase and the gods of asgard #twiyor #spy x family #pricefield #life is strange #wrightworth #ace attorney #zeddison #disney's zombies

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hurlumerlu · 5 months

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As usual, badly put together thoughts on Playboyy episode 5 under the cut :

My main thought on this episode is how heavy on melancholy it was. It was a lot less funny and dramatic and a lot more, idk. contemplative ? or at least that's how it felt to me. Also a lot more unsettling, we are definitely not playing anymore. Funnily enough, this gravitas is pretty close to what I hoped for when I started Playboyy, but now that I actually have it I feel wrongfooted and unsure. Which is great ! I've always enjoyed shows where I didn't know what I was in for before starting an episode (perhaps a little too much) and I appreciate the unease.

Related to the above : I like that the Nuth & Phop scenes are packed with tender moments (the piggyback, the very begining of the shaving scene, "haha i'm halucinating him :D/i'm right there", waking up in each other's arms) amidst the constant current of dread. It helps lay out the reasons Phop comes back (drugs aside) on an emotional level, and it also makes the peaks in tension that much stronger because you keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and because it could be sweet ! it could. it's good suspense.

Honnestly the fact that Nuth has been so strongly established as suspect n°1 when we're only in episode 5 makes me really doubt that he is, for lack of a better term, our Big Bad. Which does not mean I think of him as an innocent little sweetheart (don't pay people in drugs is imo a pretty low bar and he couldn't even clear that) and he absolutely had something to do with Nant's troubles, but I feel like there is something else at play. Could be way off though ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Unpopular opinion probably but I worry for him too. He does not seem well ! He also doesn't seem to have much of a support system ! If this all ends badly - if it already has, for Nant, because of him - I don't think I'll be able to shake off the feeling that it all could have been avoided.

Please don't kill Phop please don't kill Phop please don't kill Phop

Other characters I would like to not see die are Nont (very much so), Soong, and Jump. (and Puen because I play favourites) the others are fair game for me not because I don't like them but because I can see multiple narrative payoffs for their death. It all depend on how it's done. (honnestly I can also imagine narrative payoffs for Nont's death, and worse endings for him than death, but. uh. I'll be gutted for sure)

Since I mentioned Soong - I told myself I would not gripe about this but I am absolutely going to gripe about this : how did Nont convince him to drink/take drugs with him ? Did he think this was Nant ? it was all very weird and I did not get how we got for point a to point c. You could argue it doesn't matter but it's the kind of things that matters to me ! Anyway, moving on :

Soong keeps having a bad time. And I'm sure many would say he deserved it, but as I'm not generally interested in characters getting their just deserts (unless it's funny) I'm still mostly feeling kinda sad for the guy, in an awkward sort of way

I'm sorry I said Nont was not good at threatening people. turns out he's just not good at threatening people with sharp objects. He's disturbingly into it when it comes to fire though ! (but also Nont baby you're gonna burn your thumb)

Zouey & Teena were very cute. So where Zouey & First trying to investigate Soong.

You know who isn't cute ? Porche. I want to sit that boy down and have a loooong talk with him. It probably wouldn't help but someone has to try.

Anyway we knew that already but the fact that none of these rich little fuckers where willing to help Nant out when they could easily have pooled their money... with friends like these, honnestly.

This may have been a wake up call for Captain ? wait and see I guess.

Captain and Puen being on good enough terms that Captain told him everything about the fake sex tape is interesting. I'm still really interested in their dynamic !

Look. Puen was so charming (and charmed) all episode and Aob was so prickly, it's hard for me not to get into the relationship that is dangled in front of us (and I didn't try). However everytime I watch this series I think of Love Conquers All (2006) and its ironic-ass title, so I look at every single relationships promised by this show with doubt and mistrust

SPEAKING OF WHICH : lmao @Prom and his little evil smile. control your face, sir.

But I still believe he didn't know why Nant was missing, so I wonder what he was smiling evily for. Plenty of options to chose from though ! Maybe he just wants to get back at the ex-playboyys for asserting their independence, which would be bad enough, but I doubt that's all. Oh well, we'll see !

Last thought : I could have sworn I saw the bottom of a brazilian flag in one of Nuth and Poph scene but I can't find it again :(

#playboyy #playboyy spoilers #playboyy ep5

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an-affectionate-heart · 9 months

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Gracetopher Week Day 4 (and 3ish)

I've never really written for TSC or TLH, but after how strongly Chain of Thorns hit me, when I heard there was a Gracetopher week going on I couldn't really resist doing something for it. I kinda wrote this in a rush over the past few days - apologies for any errors! It's also a kind of dual submission for yesterday's prompts and today's. Partially because I didn't have it done yesterday (whoops!).

Anyway! Hope you enjoy. 😊

<><><>

When all is said and done, Christopher comes back to them.

After Belial disappeared into the heavens in a swirl of bright light, after Lilith was cast out, there was a moment of stillness in the abbey, and outside. It felt as though time was suspended, being held in place. Grace didn’t understand it, until she heard an ethereal voice in her head. Like the Silent Brothers, but… different.

What do you desire?

Afterwards, when trying to describe this moment to others, no one was really able to articulate how they understood what was happening. Only that they knew, deep down, they were being granted a very special, nearly impossible gift. It seemed the only ones truly aware of this phenomenon were their core group, scattered though they were.

Grace only had one thought. And she was certain she wasn’t the only one to think it; Anna, Thomas, James, they all recounted their own experience in a hushed sort of voice that spoke of hardly daring to hope. No one said what they’d wished for, but it was clear nevertheless.

Christopher.

The moment came to an end. The sky returned to normal, the sounds of the city and the aftermath of a battle returned. The doors to Westminster Abbey were thrown open, and the members of the Clave rushed in with a distressed clamor.

Grace exchanged dazed looks with Lucie. Jesse came over and touched her shoulder; there was a moment where he hesitated, and Grace didn’t know what to make of it.

They were swiftly bundled up by parents and aunts and uncles and brought back to the Institute. James especially was transported with care, Cordelia’s hand firmly clasped in his and Matthew trailing resolutely behind. It made Grace’s chest twinge.

Now, back in a packed Institute, Grace stands alone. Some of her friends – can she really call them friends, she wonders? Now that they are no longer bound by a bigger fight? – like Ari and Lucie take some steps toward her, but they’re intercepted by adults eager to check on them and ask a million questions. Jesse is in a cluster with Thomas, Alastair, and Thomas’ parents. Grace knows Gideon and Sophie are Jesse’s family. Technically, they should be hers too, but she has a feeling they won’t see it that way. And truthfully, the Blackthorn name hasn’t hung right on her for a long time now.

Feeling out of place and uncomfortable, Grace slips away. She has no idea where she’ll go now; with James’ parents back and likely to learn the truth of what she did to him, they probably won’t want her to stay at the Institute. Jesse might attempt to vouch for her, but she couldn’t say she was especially confident in that these days, no matter how well they worked together while London was under Belial’s control.

Until she’s kicked out, though, she has a room she can escape to. The raucous bustle of everyone downstairs gets quieter with each step she takes, though there’s a moment when the volume seems to pitch even higher, Shadowhunters yelling and crying out. It catches her, makes her freeze in place until she realizes they are sounds of joy rather than fear or pain. It truly is over this time, it seems.

Grace shuts her door firmly behind herself and leans back against it. There’s an emptiness in her chest that, while she’s always felt its existence, is sharper now. More prominent. She supposes it doesn’t take a genius to see why.

The war is over. Good prevailed over evil, and now the rebuilding can begin. But while others might see hope in the future, Grace still sees shadows that have yet to solidify into anything real. Her mother – as much of a mother as Tatiana was – is gone. She has no other family save Jesse, and he’s already made more headway in building a proper life for himself than she has. She’s barely had any training, most of the Enclave hates her, and the one true friend she seemed to gain, the one person who practically offered her a future, is dead.

A sob bubbles up in Grace’s chest at the thought of Christopher. She presses her shaking hand to her mouth, trying and failing to suppress it.

“Ave atque vale, Christopher,” she whispers to herself. She barely knows the Shadowhunter traditions, but she knows that much. And she knows he was robbed of the chance to be properly mourned, what with everything else that had been going on. He deserved so much more than he had been given.

Sometime later, after Grace moved to her bed, a knock on the door makes her sit up. She expects it’s Jesse, come to check on her and possibly offer some food. He’d been very vigilant at getting her to eat when she was working on the fire messages, and that habit likely isn’t going to go away.

She stands on unsteady feet and crosses to the door. When she opens it, though, she’s met with lavender eyes instead of green.

Christopher offers her a bright, crooked grin. “Hullo, Grace.”

Grace thinks that if she hadn’t grown up in a literal house of nightmares, she might scream. Because while Christopher isn’t a nightmare – could never be that – it isn’t right for him to be standing there before her. And she checks – he is standing, and not floating like a ghost. He looks as solid as ever, as solid as Grace herself.

(She checks that too, glancing at her hands and down at her torn, stained dress.)

“You’re -” she says, and stops. Her eyes are filling with tears, and her breaths come in rapid pants. It seems her body has caught up with what her mind cannot process, not yet.

Christopher seems unbothered by her inability to speak, though somewhat alarmed by the sudden appearance of tears. “I know it’s a shock,” he says. “I think I gave everyone the worst fright downstairs when I walked in. Anna held me so tight she might’ve bruised my ribs, and Tom nearly fainted. I know that I went away for a while, but I must say, I didn’t really expect that kind of reception upon my –”

Grace cuts him off by throwing her arms around him and pressing her face to his neck. Christopher sputters a moment in surprise before quieting and pulling her close, arms snug around her waist.

“I’m sorry,” he says, softly. “Jesse warned me that you might be startled by my appearance, but – I wanted to see you.”

Grace only hugs him tighter. A thousand emotions are racing through her right now: Disbelief, joy, grief. It is hard to reconcile the memory of his death, still so fresh, with him standing before her, once again flesh and blood.

“Are,” Christopher tentatively says. “Are you going to say anything?”

Grace takes a deep breath and pulls back only enough to properly look at him. At his spectacles, already sitting crooked on his nose, and his surprisingly delicate features.

“I missed you more than I can say,” she confesses.

Christopher smiles then, and Grace thinks she’s never seen anything quite so beautiful.

“I missed you too,” he says. “I think. It’s hard to say what happened after – well.”

Grace knows this isn’t the end of it all. Regardless of how he is now, Christopher died, and that can’t be easy for someone to come to terms with. Even now, with a sweet smile on his face, she senses some unease within him.

But that’s when Grace makes a vow to herself. As long as he wants her around, she silently vows to help him get through whatever demons he now faces (this includes the literal ones, she decides; Jesse can start her training again). He won’t have to face anything alone.

“Christopher?”

He hasn’t let go of her yet, and vice versa. She won’t be the first to pull away, propriety be damned.

“Yes, Grace?”

“If I offered my services to your lab, as a partner of sorts, what would you say?”

For a moment, that unease fades in Christopher as he lights up, his eyes shining with happiness.

“I’d say that’s a capital idea, Grace.”

#gracetopher week #gracetopher #tlh #christopher lightwood #grace blackthorn #my writing

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