#and i know you might be thinking 'well yeah obviously if there's abuse... but im not talking about that' and the thing is:

[catboybiologist]

Hi! I’m CatboyBiologist.

Formerly a femboy, now a trans woman just starting HRT, and a PhD student in molecular biology. I started using this online persona as a fun, shitposty way to explore gender a few years ago. I post selfies (generally sfw, but somewhat sexy, so minors and ppl who don’t like that have been warned), rambles about science, tutorials and advice from the stuff I’ve learned by being a femboy in the past, nature pictures, stuff about the ocean, my adorable grumpy little tortoise, and unsolicited opinions on random nerdy topics. Any pronouns are fine. I don’t plan to socially transition for a while, and still present as a man most of the time, so I’m used to whatever you wanna use for me (for now, I’ll update this if that changes). Please send me pictures of your pets or other cute animals in your life!

As a scientist, I’m also documenting my transition! This google sheet will be updated at least monthly. I also have additional metrics I’m keeping to myself, and pictures that go with this, but I’m not sharing them publicly yet. Keep in mind that this is just one person’s experience with HRT, and may not represent universal trends!

Adding a little something here, bc I think it was an interesting bit a writing: if you want to see me respond to a transphobe about what "biologically female" means, here's a thing I wrote about it. CW for transphobia and discussion, obviously.

Also, if any of my measurements look weird, its entirely possible I fucked up. Let me know if anything looks off!

Here’s some of my favorite pre-HRT pictures:

If you want to see more of my pre-HRT selfies, browse the “femboy” tag on my blog!

And as of this writing, I’m only 2 days after the start of HRT, so here’s a picture with my tortoise that’s technically post-HRT (but with 0 time for actual changes):

If you want to see my future post-HRT selfies, browse the “trans selfie” tag on my blog!

Also here's another really cute picture and fanart of my tortoise by @whalesharkcat:

I have affectionately given my tortoise the title of The Grumpus.

I also wrote a couple of tutorials and general vibes about being a femboy before I started HRT:

Sometimes I make shitposts of myself, I don’t take myself too seriously:

This includes the way I came out on tumblr:

And here’s an overly serious, long ramble about trans thoughts and things that I wrote shortly afterwards:

Later addition: Someone asked how I take selfies, so I wrote a quick and dirty guide with some tips on how I do so in response to their ask:

Oh yeah and apparently I was a 196 microcelebrity? I never to thought I was popular enough for that but apparently some people do 🤷‍♀️. So uh, hi 196 tags, I'm abusing you for my pinned post LOL

As for terminology, I personally do think of myself as a “man who is becoming a woman” as opposed to having always been a woman. If that doesn’t resonate with your experience, I totally get that! But that’s why I freely call pre-HRT me a femboy, while still calling post-HRT me a trans woman. I’m also keeping the blog name as CatboyBiologist for the forseeable future, because at this point, Catboy just seems like a gender neutral term to me.

I’m also trying to put together a script for a podcast regarding how studying biology influenced my perspective on sex and gender- lmk if there’s any interest in that! It’s probably gonna be way too long and indulgent but oh well.

So uh. Yeah. I don’t end these types of things well. Byeeeeee

#196 #r196 #r/196 #rule #/r/196 #trans #transitioning #trans woman #trans femme #tortoise #tort #russian tortoise #trans tutorial #trans tummy tuesday #transgender #trans tumblr #trans selfie #trans journal

[jade-len]

no but seriously though, let's say that you've never read svsss and proceeded to transmigrate into pidw as either sqq or one of bunhe's random npc shixiong/shijie. is there anything you guys would've done different from sy?

personally, if i knew that bunhe was going to literally become the embodiment of toxic masculinity, a dictator who collects women as if they were some coins, and a man who's overall just the product of the abuse cycle... i would try my damn hardest to prevent any of that lol.

but, for me, i would not promote a harem or bingge's fucked way of thinking. even if i just transmigrated as some other disciple, there would be absolutely no way i would let bunhe turn into bingge (also because.. why would i let the entire sect continue to abuse him). and, probably not even really bingmei as well? i don't know, i would obviously still protect and befriend him, but i think i'd be much more stricter about teaching bingbing morals, good ethics, mental health, all that jazz.

like, we live in a time where we actually know better about that stuff! might as well pass down our 20th century knowledge, y'know? i know sqq loves binghe the way he is, but if i read pidw i would most definitely not like bingge's character due to airplane's wack writing

(cut under is just me rambling lol)

but if i were to transmigrate as sqq... honestly, it would go two ways for me. genuinely, i think (after the ooc function) i'd just run away from the sect and take on a completely new appearance using magic airplane plant bullshit, find binghe (because i know damn well the abuse wouldn't just stop there.. also because the system will probably still demand for me to be some sort of mentor), then be like that one cool teacher or older brother figure? i'd definitely be more of that instead of a proper shizun. idk, i'd just treat binghe as if he were my little brother

or, since binghe is still bunhe and thus hasn't darkened at all, i would maybe pull him to the side and say that i'm actually not his shizun. probably claim that the real sqq hated teaching (which was why he abused binghe) and kids, so he made a doppelgänger (me) to replace him as he goes to buttfuck anywhere else from here. since i would know of luo binghe's loyalty at least from never having read svsss, i'd tell him to respect sqq's wishes

this is so that binghe would at least know that i'm not shen qingqiu. because remember, in this alternate timeline i only know pidw instead and don't know if binghe would forgive sqq for all the abuse he suffered, so don't blame me for going that route! again, i know that the system would still probably require me to be his mentor for the abyss arc, so i'd have to still stay as bingbing pretty much gets an entirely new person as his shizun. but hey, would he complain? i don't abuse kids and thus won't ever hurt him. plus, i don't think i'd be able to constantly put on a mask and pretend to be sqq, the least i could do is have luo binghe know the "truth"?

look i know that that probably breaks the system's rules, BUT remember, you can negotiate with the system. "well, i'm not revealing my identity as a transmigrator or the system? i'm technically still 'shen qingqiu', im supposed to be a doppelgänger, a copy! remember? so i'm technically him." also, i don't remember any rules about running away and such for the new identity plan, just that binghe still needs a mentor to push him off. i feel like with enough negotiation, i would be able to do this (also yes i know that i wouldn't know about the system not being strict, but i feel like i would figure it out pretty quickly, considering that i bitch a bit and will find a way to back up my argument if I'm really insistent)

speaking about the endless abyss!! yeah no i don't think i would be able to push him off. i think i'd make it abundantly clear that i don't want to, but i'm cursed to "fulfill" a prophecy or something.. either through a bunch of metaphors and stories. or, since system never said i had to full on betray him, just that he needed to be in there, i'd kinda just. tell him to jump and that there was nothing else i could teach him or something. i'll be waiting, bingbing!

and finally: what about if binghe fell in love? ...honestly don't know what i'd do with that. i feel like i'd be more gege material if anything since i'm not super different in age with bingbing, so i'd most likely see him as a friend or younger brother instead of a disciple (and i'd definitely treat him like one too. sorry, i just don't think i'd be able to take my job as a teacher or anything seriously, nonetheless actually teach teach. mentor-ish or bro figure, yeah i could do that. responsible teacher? okay, now you're asking for too much). so maybe? maybe not? i don't even know if i meet binghe's standards (which, admittedly, is kinda low but you get my point). i'd probably wanna kiss liu qingge though lol

#also yes i'd probably punt shang qinghua #or rat him out if he doesn't reveal being a transmigrator #try to avoid like. hundreds of kids dying from the abyss opening. #this is not to hate on sqq of course #im just curious to know what other people would have done #svsss #mxtx svsss #the scum villain's self saving system #danmei #luo binghe #shen qingqiu #luo bingmei #shen yuan #liu qingge #luo bingge #pidw

[sorrelpaws]

Sorrel imma listen to each song and the playlist and give my take! I wanna see how close or off or just any feedback tbh! For funzies! LMAO The first song is JUST THE VIIIBE FOR THE SHOW OVERALL <33

YOU ACTUALLY WENT THROUGH EVERYTHING honestly im so giddy over this. I'LL PUT MORE SPECIFIC THOUGHTS under the readmore, BUT U WERE PRETTY SPOT ON DUDE!!!

arrival - totally for the vibe. Just sounds like them to me daydream in blue - originally this was more so about rick/diane and how rick (badly)copes with her loss. BUT HONESTLY your interpretations centering morty's disillusionment ARE ALSO REALLY NEAT and i cant believe i didnt think of that sooner hehe i think it might be hell - YUP!!! mostly rick song but also has some lines that work for morty them changes - ALSO WORKS FOR BOTH OF THEM!! but personally i think of it more as a rick song snake eyes - I'LL ADMIT THAT THIS is half here for the vibe, BUT ALSO yeah definitely morty at a breaking point toy plane - YESSS EXACTLY!!!! i've been plugging this as a morty song basically since i found it. Very much about the dynamic between him and rick. TO BE HONEST i've never even thought about the "though this house is unchanged" LINES BUT YOU'RE SO RIGHT. RICK POTION #9. found god in a tomato - YUPPP very much their vibe. also makes me think very much about rick and just The way he is. his whole "i'm better than everyone" shtick just - YESSS EXACTLY THIS IS LITERALLY JUST rick being an asshole 180db_[130] - YUP just here for the vibe B) everything hurts - YEAH YEAH YEAH just completely rick's angsty sad miserable life no need for a leader - actually this for me is very much an evil morty song. specifically s3e7's whole plot starstruck - YUP MORTY SONG!!! for all his hurt feelings and protests, morty still obviously looks up to rick A Lot, so while he may be mad about something, he'll still go along with whatever rick wants fifteen minutes - THEM BOTH YEAH. here for the vibe cadence - this one is just kind of Rick and Morty to me. i dont even know how to explain it, just has their vibe. BUT I LIKE your interpretation a lot!! about how morty is aware of rick's self loathing and trying to kind of help him in his own way i'm your dog - YEAH. this is the most morty song ever to me. he really wants to act like he doesnt need rick, but he's also disgustingly codependent so the moment rick needs him, he comes running back. in the yard - YES!!! huge morty song. kind of has rick potion #9 vibes again, BUT I REALLY like the idea that there's some pressure to never mess up around rick, and feeling like his family prefers each other over him who is she ? - YEAH kind of here for the vibes, but also a bit for rick and diane! i don't know, i just feel like after searching for her killer for a couple of decades she might morph into less of a person and more of just an idea running on a treadmill - HEHE YESSSS morty doing everything for ricks approval to the point he sacrifices his own comfrot barbarism begins at home - YES about rick and morty's weird abusive relationship. morty not being "good enough", rick being a terrible role model/adult presence and not knowing how to be Nice call this # now - JUST FOR THE VIBES!!!! money - THIS ONE to me is about rick wanting to be better for morty, but having a really hard time stepping out of his nihilistic-asshole comfort zone. he knows he sucks, he acknowledges it, and he really wants to be better kiss me, son of god - very much a rick song hehe. specifically im imagining him in the era where he's contributing to the citadel's creation, but there's a line here that also make me think a bit about his relationship with prime (i destroyed the bond of friendship and respect between the only people left who'd even look me in the eye) birdhouse in your soul - just Rick and Morty and their relationship dungen - another Just for The Vibe song, BUT YEAH works well as a "throwback to the "good" ol' days" interpretation too drunk to come - YEPPPP RICK SONG ALL THE WAY BABY nugget killer - i'll be honest i also have no idea what this song says or means But it just Feels like rick and morty to me. i can feel it in my bones glue - YUHHHH MORTY ABOUT RICK YEOP YEP YEP YEOP oulala - YEP rick and his whole attachment and substance abuse issues two weeks - YEAH. their whole relationship

#asks #rick and morty

[stxrry-dxys]

alright i wanted to elaborate a little bit on this post i made here. i’ve been dying to do a proper analysis on hero’s character, but before we start i would like to make some things clear: i do not hate any of the kids, and i do not think any of them are bad or irredeemable people. while i do not think all of their actions were good or justified, i do believe that they had every right o feel upset, hurt, or overwhelmed in the scenarios i am about to analyze. i just want to clarify because i don’t want it to sound like i’m here to dogpile on hero, aubrey, or kel specifically. they’re kids, they’re going to be bad at handling things, and while i am going to criticize some of their actions i do NOT think that they are horrible people by any means. now let’s get into why i think hero is not the perfect responsible boy sunny or the fandom has built him up to be.

hero and mari are the oldest children in a group of friends with not many solid parental figures. kel is a glass child, something hero is shown to be aware of when he runs to kel after their argument when he sees he’s being ignored. as well, their mom is shown to be slightly manipulative and guilt trippy in the game. and while i don’t think this necessarily means she’s abusive i do think saying things like “your mean old brothers don’t want anything to do with us” can create a lot of guilt and stress within a household, especially when their dad just kind of sighs and lightly tries to talk with her. aubrey is in an abusive and neglectful household with her mom, and her dad is implied to be a bit controlling (“my dad would never let me dye my hair”). basil lives alone with an ailing grandmother and parents who are never around. sunny’s only solo memories of his father are the tree chopping incident and him yelling about lost remotes so much that everytime you even click on a remote sunny says not to touch it because “it might get lost”. (im going to exclude sunny’s mom from this section as i feel there’s lots of different ways to interpret her dynamic with the kids and i swing back and forth on these myself).

but all this to say, hero and mari are sort of forced into this parental role for all these kids, while they’re only teenagers themselves. and while the younger ones obviously look up to and admire them, there’s only so much they can do, and both of them are subject to bias as well. this is where i think the idea of them being “so responsible!” kind of fails, though it’s more obvious with hero than with mari.

in headspace, pretty much the first thing hero does is scold kel and aubrey for fighting, a very, very consistent theme for his character. and yes, i am aware that headspace is not 1:1 with the real world, but i do think a lot of the character moments between the main four are based off real events that may have happened. so yeah, hero scolds kel and aubrey a lot, but he also fails at scolding them a lot. often he plays the mediator (“cut it out you two” or “you two are in trouble now”) and while it gets kel and aubrey to drop their current fight, it doesn’t stop another one from coming in the next five minutes. and this failure to prevent their fights and getting more and more annoyed with them throughout headspace’s run culminates in hero’s biggest mistake in how he handles the two of them, that if we’re to believe is based off events that did likely happen, bleeds into the current day fight between kel and aubrey as well.

during the humphrey section of two day’s left, the main four find a lone flower crown lying on the ground. they forgot don’t know who it belongs to, but it’s crumpled and dirty. aubrey debates taking it to return to its owner, and hero says it may not be in a condition where they even want it anymore. and then kel kicks it off the edge, sparking aubrey to yell at him. now kel is slightly in the wrong here, as the best thing to do would be to just not touch it instead of kicking it into the void. and aubrey being frustrated is understandable, but ultimately it’s not a super big deal as it’s not any of their property, so she’s not really in the right for picking a fight here either. however when kel goes to defend himself and say “well hero said no one would even want it any more anyways!” hero snaps. (“that’s enough! kel, apologize to aubrey.”) and this is the biggest issue with hero playing parent for the group, he’s biased.

hero grew up with kel, he’s his brother so he gets to be a little mean or snappy at him and have it all be fine later, and the inverse is true as well. but as much as hero may see aubrey as a little sister, he is not related to her, and he will not feel as comfortable scolding her as harshly as he does kel. so when he reaches his limit with their fighting and snaps, he doesn’t snap at aubrey, he snaps at kel and demands he put a stop to it, even if kel doesn’t really need to. see, kel is in the wrong in this situation, but not with aubrey. the flower crown belonged to someone else, not her. he owes an apology to the person who’s property he just destroyed, not her. and while she is allowed to be frustrated that he did that, she has no right to be completely upset with him (she goes on to pout and ignore him after he apologizes which is absolutely unjustified as it was not her crown, and to her knowledge she does not know who it belonged to). but hero is a teenager, he’s about 15 here and he’s so tired of these 12 year olds fighting, and he just wants it to stop, so he tells kel to apologize to aubrey, even if she’s not the one owed an apology. he’s scolding kel, yes, but not in the right way. and this is a mistake that i think sticks around.

and while no, we do not have proof that this definitively happened in the real world, it’s such a specific scenario for sunny to include, and one i’ve seen happen among my own siblings and my friends siblings, i absolutely believe something similar happened. and i do think this is where mari gets a slight advantage playing neutral in kel and aubrey’s fights, as she’d only really have the familiarity to snap that way at sunny (like she’s implied to do during concert rehearsals) so she gets to play middle ground with the other two more than hero does. but i did mention that i think this had an impact on the real world as well.

kel and aubrey’s biggest issue in the real world is this: aubrey feels abandoned by kel and kel feels betrayed by aubrey. and i want to clarify, i think they’re both a little right and a little wrong. aubrey is absolutely right to be upset that kel never reached out to her (especially when we know he reached out to sunny and hero), but she is not right to be upset with how he handled his grieving process after mari’s death (she notes that she was upset at how quickly he moved on, and to her credit she does acknowledge that this was wrong of her). kel is absolutely right to feel betrayed by aubrey picking fights with him, sunny and basil and being upset that she’s just kind of a bully towards them now (she and the hooligans are noted by kel to be trouble before you properly meet them, they write kel smells outside his house, she refuses to give basil’s photo album back after four years of begging and says herself that she calls him a freak and lets others do it too, she tries to kick them out of a public area in a public park oh my god this part really annoys me about the hooligans wtf was this plotline) (also side note: yes kel is allowed to be upset about her holding basil’s property hostage as he both knows who it belongs to, and has been asked to retrieve it by said person while he was on the brink of tears) but he is not right to keep throwing mari in her face as a moral one-up card, nor is he right to blame her for basil almost drowning when she accidentally pushed him in (she IMMEDIATELY declares it was an accident and is visibly worried about him even though she’s upset with him).

i think ultimately this fight spawns from two things, aubrey has been taught that she is owed an apology when she feels she’s been wronged, without looking at both sides. and kel is tired of always having to be the one to apologize first when he feels he’s not in the wrong, without looking at both sides. again, they’re both a little right and a little wrong for these perceptions. after all, it’s what hero taught them when he broke up their old fights. and even when he finds out about this one, his solution is still ineffective even all these years later. because instead of suggesting they talk it out, which is what would really help them reach an understanding of the other’s feelings, he calls it “another classic kel and aubrey fight” and says they “just need to hug it out”. and while i think he’s trying his best, this is absolutely not what they need. there is a lot of deep seated anger here and it even shows on their faces after he suggests this (kel looks away awkwardly and aubrey is on the brink of tears).

in fact, they don’t even really make up until after kel tells her they dug through the trash in order to save the photo album and they all look through it together. it’s through aubrey realizing that kel does in fact care about their memories together, and kel remembering that even after all this time aubrey still is the same sweet girl he knew, that they finally understand each other’s perspective a bit more. kel can see how hurt aubrey is and aubrey starts to understand that kel had his own way of processing mari’s death.

but even though hero was brought over to fix the situation, he ultimately ends up failing to help the two reconcile, they do it all on their own. because at the end of the day, hero is not a parent. he is a brother, a friend, and a teenager. kel and aubrey don’t know how to process their emotions or fights any more than he does, and he makes a lot of mistakes in the process. and i think this is where a lot of his guilt over mari’s death comes from, and basil’s too in the neutral ending. he was supposed to be the responsible one, the parental one, the perfect balance. but he couldn’t be there for mari and basil, he couldn’t even be there for kel and aubrey. and while that is not his fault, and should never have been his responsibility, he is always going to hold that against himself, he is always going to see himself as a failure.

truth be told, he shouldn’t have been put in a position to believe that in the first place. he should have just been allowed to be a dumb teenager who makes mistakes and doesn’t have to take care of everyone around him. and that’s what i find so fascinating about hero’s character. he is a dumb teenager who makes mistakes, just one that was put on a pedestal and parentified, expected to take care of everyone and everything, when for a whole year he couldn’t even take care of himself. he’s bad at being responsible, and i wish he would’ve been told that’s okay, because it is.

tagging the person who asked to be notified about this post ( @skyisepic ) i’d also love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this analysis, if you have anything to add or if you feel i went too harsh on anyone throughout this please let me know!!

#omori posting #omori #omori spoilers #hero omori #omori hero #omori analysis #long post

[ultimateplaylistmaker]

(tw implied SA/abuse)

AAAAA, I didn't expect you to reply so soon. The list of detail that could support this are:

-sleeping fully clothed when sick(could be him unwilling to be fully vulnerable)

-people pleasing(small, but you could tie it into it being a fawn coping mechanism)

-wetting the bed till 5th grade(has been shown to be a small sign of past abuse)

-his motive video person being specifically komaru and not including his parents

-his ability to lie when prepared (ch5 when protecting kyoko)

-his willingness to forgive people that wronged him(it's common for child victims to be made to forgive their adult abusers)

-the fact that he never really opens up to people

I know it's a stretch but when we get virtually nothing about Makoto's past we might as well try to find out why. I generally like the idea that Makoto chose to be optimistic, kind, and hopeful despite having every reason to be the opposite. It adds to why he is so willing to offer redemption. (I also unfortunately went through something similar and heavily relate to Makoto so this is also slightly projection)

Hmm while if you want to go that route i'd say you could argue it, I do have my disagreements, this isnt to say it s not possible, but I just think there are better explanations

I always thought myself that it was more he collapsed and was unable to do so then an active choice, but thats more conjecture, you could definitely make it an active choice and I wouldn't call foul on it

I feel like SA is a bit over the top of a reason, like it COULD be a reason, but combining that with Komaru's statement it feels like it'd be more likely to avoid other kinds of punishments, also could just be an inherent personality trait

I've got no complaint with this one, it is very much a sign of sexual abuse, alone I don't think i'd call it enough to be definitive but if someone wanted to run with it i'd be like "yeah makes sense"

The motive video person for everyone was only one single person, Hifumi, Leon, Aoi, and Kirigiri all had non-parental family members chosen (Sister, Cousin, Brother, Grandfather) while some people DID have parents Ishimaru, Hagakure, Chihiro it's definitely not the majority, other people Mondo, Sakura, Byakuya, Sayaka all had people they were not related to (Bodyguard, Boyfriend, Butler, Band Member) if anything the only two people I would take this as proof of a bad relationship for would be Toko and Celeste as they're the only people with non human hostages (A stinkbug and her pet cat)

I wouldn't call this special, especially by the point of chapter 5 Makoto has gained a lot of survival skills, and lying is one of them, plus people just can lie

There's nothing wrong with this one, however it does feel like a bit of a stretch, Makoto has this whole game been going "its not our fault, its monokumas" every time someone has guilt over the vote or anything, this very much just feels like an extension of that, especially with Monokuma very visibly and obviously rushing the trial.

This one's kind of interesting because Makoto does shockingly keep his cards a lot closer to his chest then people give him credit for, but I'd say he's pretty open to at least Kirigiri by the end if not everyone, especially since a killing game requires him to not be completely open to everyone all the time

This is good evidence to at the very least the Naegi's having some questionable punishment methods, but at the same time Komaru is very open about her school life which has....so many red flags, like seriously its fucking creepy komaru really do be like "yeah my old teacher used to break into my room to watch me sleep but im pretty sure it was his ghost" like GIRL WHAT so it's actually a bit hard to tell if it's the naegi's doing it, or her school life just being fucked up again

Like girl seriously are you okay

tldr; I personally think there are better explanations for most of these points, however it would still be an interesting concept to explore and I can definitely see why someone would believe it, it's not my personal theory but exploring makoto under the lens of an abuse survivor is definitely a fascinating thing to do, and also if you want to further look into and back up this reading I'd check out a lot more of komaru's dialogue because I think you'd find some interesting points to make about it through that lens you could add to you repertoire

#to be very clear i support this reading even if its not my personal reading of the text #and while i wanted to put my own thoughts about each point and why i disagree this does not invalidate the reading in the slightest #anon chaos #trigger happy havoc #ultra despair girls

[souryogurt64]

So I love your anons and they seem to have A KNOWLEDGE I NEED SO

I need to know everything there is on ryan ross like,,, pls help a guy out I felt like i knew much bc I joined the fandom in 2012 but as the "break of panic" happened i see people talking so much things about ryan that i didn't know and im just confused???? Stalker accident????? He cut pete off his life in 2009????? He was/is abusing drugs??? What was his actual relation with brendon??? Like I feel i need to know in order to understand him as an artist more and also stop being out of loop lmaoo

So yeah,,If there's any masterdoc on ryan ross,,,, anything pls share😭

Stalker: There was an incident where a girl allegedly impersonated Brendon to Ryan and was texting him for something like 6-9 months posing as his former bandmate and acting as a friend/supporter. She was doing this with the goal of "proving Ryden." It was a massive violation of Ryan's privacy and a genuinely horrific thing that happened. It kind of climaxed in "Brendon" inviting Ryan to Brendon's wedding and then obviously the real Brendon and Spencer didn't let Ryan in and the whole thing started to fall apart.

It is my understanding that she told some friends and the friends tried to contact Panic!'s management to deal with the situation but were not taken seriously/ignored and generally dismissed as crazy/lying. At that point, they went public with all of the receipts and there was a big fandom campaign to get Panic!'s team to deal with it which is why everyone knows what was said in the texts. She ended up supposedly getting banned permanently from concerts/M&Gs and had to write apology letters so the band didn't take legal action.

Right after everything came out Ryan posted some concerning photos on social media of blood smears in his bathroom.

Since then, there have been persistent rumors the ban was never actually enacted, that Brendon's wife was enabling her to some unknown extent, and the private photos she had supposedly got by "hacking" were actually sent to her by Brendon's wife. I have no idea if this is true, but it's just a persistent rumor that I think originates from the original people who blew the top off of it.

Anyway, as for everything else, this is from my Panic! dissertation.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: “DREAMER’S STAR WAS FALLING”

That is probably more context, history, and backstory than anyone could have ever wanted regarding the events that led to the signing of Panic! at the Disco to Pete Wentz’s Decaydance record label. But… You’re probably still wondering what became of our sleepover princes.

The band—and Ryan Ross’ relationship with Pete Wentz—would not make it to the end of 2009. At first, all seemed well. In February of that year, Ross conducted a phone interview where he stated that Panic! was working on a new album; he and Wentz would have a “sleepover” that same month. (Via cross-referencing questionable clothing decisions, paparazzi photos, and Wentz’s Twitter account, we can determine this sleepover would coincide with the aforementioned video of Ross, Wentz, and Simpson drunkenly stumbling to a vehicle). During this sleepover, Ross was—according to Wentz—quoting Oscar Wilde.

A MTV article also written by James Montgomery immediately post-split would proclaim, “Ross…considers [Urie and Smith] to be his friends …The same cannot be said, however, about his former boss — Decaydance Records honcho / Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz — who seems to have clearly aligned himself with the Urie/Smith camp following the split.” Despite the fact that Wentz supposedly did not respond to requests for comment, and Ross was quoted as saying he wasn’t sure if his new band would be on Decaydance, Montgomery would go on to assert that “[Ross’] relationship with Wentz might be finished.” In case you aren’t getting what I’m insinuating here, Montgomery wrote in 2008 that, ““I have no problem saying that [Wentz is] my friend except that… by saying that, I’m basically breaking every guideline in the “Ethical Journalist” handbook.”

Following Panic! at the Disco’s breakup, Ross would go on to start short-lived project The Young Veins; he was interviewed by MTV regarding the project approximately around 2010. In this interview, Ross appears more doe-eyed, spindly, and unsure than ever; the caustic facade he sported during Pretty. Odd. era interviews is gone, replaced by accommodating, mild-mannered precariousness. In his curious affectation that is the “phlegmatic drawl he must have acquired reciting countless Our Fathers in Catholic parochial school”— its desperate smoothness, pretension, and faux-poise doing little to hide the anxiety revealed by his constant twisting— Ross would profess that, “Some of the differences between major and indie labels is that when I call the indie label, they answer the phone….When you can’t really trust people in this business, it’s nice to have that.” Obviously, the major label Ryan Ross was on belonged to Pete Wentz.

The Young Veins did not do well commercially, either—they peaked at position 40 on the US Indie chart. In 2019, Ryan Ross said that The Young Veins was “The first thing in [his] career that didn’t go right” and having the band “fall through so quickly” caused him to struggle. Ross, who stayed away from substances until he was nearly 21, had begun drinking, was rumored to be using drugs, and was frequently losing money playing blackjack.

Ross was not only struggling to succeed commercially; he was struggling to take care of himself, too. Prior to the dissolution of her relationship with Ross, Keltie Colleen wrote that she did everything for him, such as laundry, bills, and sending his family birthday cards. A 2008 Kerrang! interview would also highlight Ross’ inability to manage his own life to the point of his hot water and electricity being shut off for several weeks (and his cell phone being regularly cut off) due to forgetting to pay his bills. Colleen also wrote that Ross struggled to properly care for his dog, Hobo. Ross seemed aware of, yet largely indifferent to this; in one interview, he carelessly drawled from behind a giant pair of sunglasses, “[Hobo] sometimes doesn’t get fed. Or she smells bad.” Ross and Colleen’s relationship, as depicted in her novel, ended due to Ross’ unfaithfulness. Colleen wrote, “…The history of rock music is littered with bodies of incredibly talented people who thought they could deal with the alcohol, drugs, and everything else the lifestyle offered without it changing them…. [Ryan Ross], who despised everything about the music industry, let it eat him alive…”.

An incredibly brutal review of a Young Veins show written by James Montgomery would summarize the overall vibes of that period in Ross’ life. Montgomery wrote that he “couldn’t help but feel a bit sorry for [the band]” and “[he] had such high hopes for [Ross]… [but he] had squandered all that potential” and that “it was, for all intents and purposes, [over for Ryan Ross].” Though the piece did speak quite favorably of The Young Veins’ record, and did hold out a bit of hope for the band, it would end with, “[Ryan Ross is] fumbling and stumbling to the beat of his own drummer now. Who cares about the future when you’ve got the past?”. The Young Veins would announce an indefinite hiatus in December 2010; their Wikipedia page states that, “The Young Veins was a rock band…”.

As Ryan Ross’ flame sputtered, Pete Wentz was suffering from his own issues. Wentz told Rolling Stone that by the time of Fall Out Boy’s 2009 hiatus announcement (not-so-coincidentally the same year Ross departed Panic! alongside guitarist Jon Walker), “I was in such a haze of selfishness and pills it was hard to believe I could feel anything.” Later, FOB would cite mental health strain as one of the factors leading up to the decision. Wentz would reveal to Rolling Stone that, following Fall Out Boy’s hiatus, he suffered from paranoia and anxiety so extreme he had his house searched for cameras, and fell back on his old habits of abusing Xanax and Klonopin.

However, Fall Out Boy rose from the ashes and back to the charts in 2013, with Pete Wentz telling Rolling Stone he was in a much better place emotionally; he cited therapy and his desire to be present for his child as giving him the desire to manage his mental health.

Meanwhile, after the dissolution of The Young Veins and a few brief, half-hearted stabs at a solo career, Ross would, ultimately, feel that “[The attention and the fame] was overwhelming” and “[have] a little bit of a mental breakdown.” This was triggered by the commercial and interpersonal failure of The Young Veins and Ross realizing that, “Oh, not everything [I] do turns to gold.” Eventually, this would send Ross on a spiral that would temporarily land him in AA meetings.

[hyunjinspark]

my phone ran out of battery in the middle of my ramble (sweaty reader who delayed her shower to finish the chapter) BUT IM HERE AGAIN TO TYPE IT OUT! (still… haven’t showered)

spoilers ahead WARNING! ❎ ❎

jade… how did you write this. how did you. are you a literature major? it seems like your writing gets better every time I come back to it. you have a otherworldly talent, is all I can say. you’re able to convey the emotions so clearly, so vividly, as if I’m living through this story myself.

firstly, can we talk about the parallels between hyun and y/n? “i love painting in the dark— the lights are too bright.” I had to put my phone down and contemplate my life decisions for a couple of minutes there. seriously. the parallels between them are INSANE i cant even

for me, this chapter highlighted the harsh truth behind both the art and the music industry (specifically: idol). it makes my heart ache knowing damn well that this might be a story where these situations are fiction, conjured up from your (fantastic, amazing, show-stopping) imagination, but this is someone else’s reality. idols barely having time to take a breather, the micromanagement, it just felt awfully real, scarily so. the fact that companies care more about capitalising off of hyun’s art—- it felt real. chan’s sacrifices, him barely sleeping? felt real. and so did mr kim jieong (would swear but… new year new me so this is as far as I will go) or should I say: MR SKUNK FACE PEDOPHILE DOUBLE DMMING UNLOYAL AUTHORITY ABUSER ok I’m done sorry. i know damn well that what happened to y/n is real. it happens, it definitely does. people in positions of power trying to use people’s desperation to their advantage and ABUSING it. it felt like i was the one living through that scene. i could feel his advances, i could see him in front of me, gripping my own jaw. amazing, amazing writing.

okay, secondly: THE SYMBOLISM THROUGH THE FLOWERS? god. the seasons and the flowers. hits every single time. the moment you mentioned flowers I knew where this was going. i knew where it was. i feel like the flowers represented both hyun & y/n. not necessarily their love for each other (no definitely not), but how the r/s between them became sour due to their… unfortunate circumstances. i think I’m wrong though! I’ll reread the chapter a couple more times and revisit by statement, but that is my first impression after reading ch18 for the first time!

THIRDLY, i love jeongin sm omg.

last but not least, here is my take on what will happen:

mr k- PEDOPHILE threatens hyun & y/n, hyun comes to warn y/n

i cant think of any rn I’m still in my shocked state (because this was so good)

personally, i think this is one of your best chapters by far. jade, words cannot explain HOW much i love your writing. thank you so, so much. happy early new year jade! much love from asia 🫶🏻

omg. im not a literature major but that’s SO sweet haha 😭 its good to hear that you think it gets better, i hope i improve each day.

yes ofc its not a hyunyn soulmate moment without the parallels. they’re so like each other 🤭 and yeah its sad that these things are so common and happen often in those industries, especially with people in positions of power. i obviously don’t know what goes on behind the scenes in the industry so most of it is my imagination, but i can believe some of the micromanagement might be too real :(

thank you for loving the flower symbolism ! i dedicated a lot of the chapter to it so im happy you liked and noticed it 🥺

thank you for thinking its my best chapter, wow ! i hope each one can be better than the previous.

#star lost with you

[transhawks]

i didn't experience abuse from my parents, so im not sure i can completely empathise, but i can clearly understand what you wanted the message to be in the snippet.

even reading in canon chapter 299 and the todoroki ones next i always felt i could understand where keigo was coming from with the whole endeavor situation. obviously a fic is a fic and canon is canon, but your characterisation of keigo has been one of the closest to the source material ive found

i think i will cry when the full chapter of minutes is going to be available, having a taste of what i will find :") im not one to comment on fics, but i'll make sure to leave feedback if i remember, that is :v

I'm glad you like Minutes! Trying to stick to what a canon Keigo might do has been something I've tried to retain even as I put him through a lot of things that make him change his mind. And when people question Keigo's attachment to Endeavor it's honestly been my go to way of dealing with it as "Keigo is mentally ill and traumatized so unless you are able to understand that mentally ill and traumatized people often have maladaptive coping habits and irrational or non-coherent views as symptoms of their mental illness, this isn't a conversation you should be having." Surprise, surprise abuse fucks you up and you often do fucked up shit in turn.. that's like the biggest indicator of being fucked up, actually.

I truly think discourse suffered severely when we whole-heartedly leaned into believing the idea of "they did this shitty action because they are shitty not because they have xyz" as a way of combating excuses instead of recognizing often the reason anyone knows they have xyz is because of that said shitty action. And I think my approach is clear in how I discuss abused people and victims. I don't expect the higher moral position from victims - victimhood just makes you someone who was harmed, not a martyr or a saint for said suffering.

I bring this up because I think it's one of the ways I feel understanding Keigo is easiest - he was born in a drastic situation, separated from society until well into childhood, abused and neglected likely from birth, and then institutionalized into what was a child soldier/assassin camp. I'm surprised he's not worse than he is.

Anyway the final chapter of Minutes is...a roller coaster. You get Enji and Hawks, and then two surprise characters he's already interacted with in previous chapters. Honestly, he has a really unhinged moment in this chapter because I'm not leaving this story without a reminder he's kind of crazy, even if he now regrets what he did. I'm really excited to show you guys the chapter - I hope it just satisfies people. You know, I want people from all walks of life to just feel "Yeah, I can see that happening and this was a good end to the story". It has a bit of wish fulfillment, me playing with my own theories of how quirks work, and ultimately the idea that Keigo's cage has always been himself.

I love comments! You're free to forget to leave them but I really adore hearing what people think. That's what makes fanfic so engaging to me - the community aspect of it.

#thanks for the ask #minutes #my writing #my fic #asks

[emailsquid]

ok spiderman p5 au thing that infests my brain is coming out

mostly based on ultimate spiderman and spiderverse since those are the 2 im super familiar with.

akira is spider-man obviously. after getting sent to tokyo because of the normal p5 reasons he gets bitten by a radioactive spider and gets the normal spider powers (proportional strength, spider sense, heightened agility), with the addition of being able to get a better read on people's thought process (i dont think spiders can actually do this but i wanted to reference the personas in some way) and induce a low level of delusion in other people, making them more likely to tell the truth with a spider toxin thing. you know the deal i can make shit up. hes initially unwilling to be spider-man until stuff really gets bad with kamoshida, and then is only willing to do it whilst disguised to avoid fucking up his criminal record even more. loves actually being spiderman tho.

sojiro is almost unchanged except stuff with wakaba is different but hes still gruff but comes to love akira in more or less the same way as in p5. hates when theres supervillain fights outside his cafe (oops)

ryuji learn's akira's secret immediately and encourages him to be a hero, partly bc he thinks its cool, partly because he thinks he has a responsibility to use his powers for justice of some kind, partly to get back at kamoshida for being a massive piece of shit. he stays akira's best friend throughout his time in tokyo and almost has his side.

ann is 2nd to learn akira's secret and also encourages him to fight kamoshida (im getting to him btw). She designs the suit as well and makes it with akira. she also wants akira to be a hero but is much more cautious and worried about things than ryuji

i have no idea what to do with morgana but im thinking hes gonna be another superhero, idk what tho. probably like a shapeshifter or something? more thought is required.

Kamoshidas like. a superhero who double times as a teacher, still an abusive shitbag but now hes like publically worshipped. hes akiras first big fight after akira spreads the truth about him with calling cards and gets him to admit to his crimes publically, at which point he has to run away in shame. partly i based him on kamoshidaman (although i dont actually know anything abt pq2 im just assuming) and also mysterio in far from home.

shiho is basically the same except ill bring her back into the story later for something. havent planned that far ahead. she will date ann tho.

most other characters i only have vague ideas for, such as makoto having an alive father (nothing bad could happen to a police captain father in a spider man story surely) and futaba developing tech for akira. its the only way i can think to get him webslingers tbh. for akechi i have something cooking as well but im writing a fic for this so i kinda dont wanna spoil that bc i think its cool. im trying my best to be accurate to the characters personalities ut akira will probably be more quippy than usual bc it just feels wrong for any spider man not to quip. so yeah. other than that i think he maps onto spider man pretty well tbh, hes got the public hate campaign, the saviour complex, the sense of justice, hes stylish and hes got a social life going on to manage at the same time. haru also has some specific stuff i wanna do with her.

also this is a marvel like au so other superheros exist but its an americacentric phenomenon however the phoenix ranger feathermen are real. idk what ill do with them but they are bc it felt wrong to only have like 2 superheros. there might be others too. idk. maybe its more of ust a superhero au with specific marvel ideas. wahtever.

if i had the time and skill to do art for this id love to do it in the style of the original p5 intro with limited colours other than red and black to white spectrum. it would look cool and set it apart visually. also it would look a bit like the guy she was intereted in which i love visually so yeah.

anyway yea this is a pretty specific crossover so cant wait for no-one to care but yea ill update this with more later

#persona 5 #persona 5 au #akira kurusu #joker persona 5 #spider man #squid emails #anything else #uhhhhh #nah

[quanonthecob]

osu! diary, 3rd december 2022

so i've been grinding osu! quite a lot during the past week, when i definitely should have studied more, especially when mid-terms are coming up, in fact, i have one tomorrow morning, but i'm here writing this lol

also i titled this "diary", but this is probably a one-time thing, like yeah yeah, diary in vnese is nhật ký, and nhật (meaning "day") implies the daily aspect of it, but hey, i can't be bothered to write sth daily, not like i have enough ability or linguistic skills to write so much ._.

so yeah, like i've said before, i've been grinding a lot recently. specifically, this is the graph showing the number of plays in the past year

November: 175 plays

December: 59 plays (keep in mind we're only 3 days in)

so yep, the future's not looking so bright LOL

the main reason why im playing so much is because i've got a new laptop, so i'm kinda abusing the storage and specs upgrade from my last laptop

and... on the topic of storage, here we have the amount of storage i've spent for storing the beatmaps

i feel fortunate because i'm currently only into play osu!standard, and not other game modes as well, because god knows how much more storage it's gonna take up

but yeah the first few days when i first installed the game, i mass downloaded the beatmaps. i just looked up some popular artists and download all the beatmaps of the songs that i know. to the point that osu literally temporarily blocked me from downloading any more beatmaps 💀💀💀 they quite literally shouted at my face that i need to stop downloading maps and play more...

of course, after playing for a bit and waited until the next day, i could download more beatmaps again 😈 so as of now, we end up with

...

i have no idea if i'm gonna be able to play all of them. obviously there are also beatmaps from other game modes, and there are 6-star, 7-star beatmaps which i don't think i'm gonna ever have enough skills to play them. i might need to filter them out sometime, for now i can't be bothered to do that, especially when they don't take up that much space in my hard disk.

there's kinda one problem tho, it's when i try to press the Z and X keys on this laptop, but it's a membrane keyboard, and this laptop also happens to be really slim too, so pressing the keys down feels very shallow. i find it really annoying at first typing on this keyboard, still does now, but im more used to the feels. but yeah, it feels kinda weird having to spam these two buttons playing osu!, and since the laptop in general is so fragile, i always feel like i'm damaging the keys somehow. so i might get specialised keycaps just for this game idk (if i do, that would be extremely concerning actually)

~~~~~

and so the grinding starts, i played some maps that i used to love playing on my old laptop, also tried out some new maps, most of them are songs that i'm already familiar with, so i tend to not have a lot of problem with the rhythms

one of the really good songs that i've downloaded and have played recently is lily allen's fuck you. honestly, the song itself is amazing. the beatmap, well, it's a little bit slow, so i had to do put some mods in, specifically HR - hard rock, making the circles smaller and faster and DT - double time, increase the speed of the song and the beatmap by 1.5 times i think (yeah i know it says double but that's how the mod works ig)

honestly that was pretty challenging to me already, especially when the tempo of the song is 1.5 times faster. but it also pays off with a good amount of pp (let me stop you horny mfs right there, it's performance points) and rank, and ofc had quite a bit of fun playing it, and a bunch of adrenaline as well.

another beatmap is sesame street's cookie butter choco cookie, it's basically ppap, but for kids

honestly i'm still wondering how is this a thing, like, look at this

セサミストリート：ピコ太郎、エルモとクッキーモンスターの CBCC （Cookie-Butter-Choco-Cookie) - YouTube

the beatmap was just the first minute when elmo and cookie monster was singing. there are also quite a lot of difficulties to choose from, so i just played a lot of that song, not to mention because i'm also kinda grinding for stats, and i tried a difficulty that's a bit harder for me, so yeah just imagine having elmo and cookie monster "awh" harmoniously in your ear three times each time the song plays and have that repeat for about 15-20 minutes...

truly traumatised

it kinda pays off tho, i got a 2nd highest on my PB leaderboard, and im now in the 600k (ofc, not a lot, but still sth)

i enjoyed it a lot, i've always loved rhythm games, and osu! is an awesome game, despite it's clearly contributing to my highly likely, upcoming dramatic academic downfall, but hey, circle clicking game is fun, you can't blame me alright?

#osu game #osu! #osu! game #osu!standard

[posallys]

idk if you've answered this before, but do you think PoSally gets back together and if so how

okay so this is going to sound strange considering my entire personality is posally, but it really depends. like somedays i'm like...yeah. they totally do get back together on the dl, and other days i'm like.....but they don't. they do but they don't and they can't, ya know? idk. like yeah they love each other yada yada yada, but the tragedy is so appealing....the yearning....there's something there.

but on the days where i'm like "they definitely do" it's usually something like the following:

it sort of starts after tlt when sally murders gets rid of gabe. i've said it before, but it was sort of obvious that poseidon is the one who sent the head to her and what he intended it to be used for, so i think he definitely comes by afterward to check on her (and properly get rid of the head just kind of lying around lol)

but i wanna make it clear that nothing happens when he does. i've also said this before, but sally was just in an abusive relationship for years, and i definitely do not think that she'd jump into anything, regardless of the fact that it's poseidon.

actually i don't think anything happens for a while. like i know i joke about it, but seriously. at least until after som, but probably not until like...after ttc at the earliest. i think that during that time he might swing around every so often just to check up on them (obviously percy doesn't know bc it's mainly when he's at camp/school). and nothing happens because i think poseidon knows sally well enough to know that she'd tell him what she wanted, if anything, and he respects her enough to not do anything she didn't say she wanted.

however there's a little bit of a shift around ttc. i don't think either of them realize it's happening until it does. he drops by and she's in the middle of making dinner and it's a meal she used to make all the time before percy was born. and he's helped her make it before so he just sort of jumps in and starts helping and they fall back into a rhythm and they're both like "...oh"

they slip up a few times if you know what i mean, but like, they don't really have anything going? because they can't. especially with the war coming and everything....it's just not really possible.

when poseidon drops by for percy's birthday, that's the last time either of them see him until after tlo because there's just a lot going on, and with poseidon fighting the war in atlantis it's just not doable.

i think that maybe percy suspects something? particularly in the months between the end of the war and him getting kidnapped. he gets a feeling something is up but he doesn't really say anything because he's seen his mom in unhappy relationships and its been so long since he's seen her smile with someone so who is he to say anything if she's happy.

and there's multiple ways it could go after hoo, but i think percy knows for sure that they are, and they don't necessarily try to hide it because at that point, who's going to stop them? there's no prophecy or anything, so they're not hurting anything

they just kind of vibe it out, and it's not perfect but it's something. i think poseiodn wants to be around a lot more than he's able to, but the fact that he does make an effort to be around as much as possible is enough for sally and percy bc it's not like she wasn't aware that he couldn't be around all the time. she's literally the one who has to remind him he has things to do. She knew what she was signing up for

i do think, however, that if you want to believe estelle is poseidon's, it was more an accident than anything. like. sally is almost 40 so it's a little bit later than most women have kids + yes they did use protection they didn't want another kid that could be subject to a phophecy yk poseidon already felt like shit about percy having to do all the stuff he did so when it happened they were all like "im not too sure about this" but eventually for whatever reason you want to think, they end up with Estelle and i think its a big moment bc like...its so unconventional but here's poseidon, with a mortal family, happy, and he can actually be around this time which is probably a big factor as to why sally was okay with having another demigod kid tbh. Like, poseidon can watch all of that stuff much better if he's actually allowed to have contact with them lmfao

#posally #taylor answers #ask tag #anon #posally month

[chaosdisorganized]

37, 74, 94, for the system playlist!!

37. dance with the devil by breaking Benjamin

This song hits hard. It means youre not alone im here with you, even when things are really bad ill be here. We're in this together, through trauma and everything we've been there for each other as a system. It's a great song and that's at least how we interpret it through our experiences.

74. glass hearts by of mice and men

This songs has so many things that puts it in this playlist. Trauma heavily implied I wouldn't be surprised if the actually song was about that. But also some persecutors feel this way towards others in the system, it's about not being heard and hurting really badly, some of our persecutors would act out to be listened to and "acted out" during abuse as well which fits this songs. In the last verse, it says "I know what you've been through this hell was my life" and that's the hardest hitter, like yeah we're all struggling im struggling too hear me I hear you.

94 jekyll and Hyde by five finger death punch

Okay this one might be controversial. Obviously jekyll and Hyde is terrible representation to did and should never be compared. The song is different of course, we related to it in some ways and I think it's a good song. The song is basically about feeling like there's a demon inside that's always fighting for control. It's also about the stress of life and issues with anger I think.

#ask game #system playlist songs

[ankhisms]

dont rb this obviously but blehh

recently have been fighting off paranoia about my abuser and specifically the fear that grips me deeply that bc he generally was more popular/more well liked than me/more charming with people if i were ever to be somewhat successful in anything and maybe mentioned being an abuse survivor without even saying he was my abuser he would come out of nowhere and say that i abused him rather than him abusing me that kind of bullshit yknow because one time i did fight back against him although he immediately gaslight and guilt tripped me about it and punished me over it or i get paranoid about the fact that i have no physical or digital proof of the abuse and its just my word against his and im not really in contact with anyone who might have been online friends with me to witness me freaking out and scared about him at the time so no one would be able to vouch for me. i get really terrified of people believing him and thinking that i was lying or that i abused him i think i would literally kill myself if that happened i wouldnt be able to handle being told that i was lying about it or that i abused him and also i get worried that ppl will be like well neither of you were adults it doesnt count as abuse when he physically and emotionally used me as his punching bag and as a toy for him to play with and manipulate not to mention assaulting me. idk the paranoia related to him saying that im lying about him abusing me really really is hard to shake off and any time i think about wanting to be serious about being an actor i get so scared of him and feel like i have to curl up and hide away some place he could never find me. sucks because abuse is so fucking excused and enabled in theater and the acting industry like abusers are given roles and awards and are defended by people while their victims are driven out. also sucks because i know for a fact that he was still stalking me and sending people to send me threats on my old blog whereas i sometimes get scared about not knowing what name hes going by or what his art looks like anymore so i cant spot him and block him on any platform we both might be on. anyway yeah hate being so gripped by my fear of him still even after having gotten away from him for like.. 5 or more years now and still having nightmares with him hurting me very very often. thank u if u read all this ily

[flowers-that-sing]

guys i think im gonna write a stranger things fix it fic

plot heavy but its character focused and its gonna have ships too

details below the cut

heres what i have so far sorry if it doesnt really make sense though lmao

and i cant spoil the plot obviously but yeah

uhh if anyone has recommendations or ideas let me know!

and i’m gonna have nancy single at least for the majority of it but i may or may not have her slowly beginning a relationship that may become more defined at the end of it, if you have requests for that let me know, i’ll do romantic or queerplatonic jancy, ronance, or robin, nancy, and vickie all.

oh and when i say stuff like “its jargyle and also argyles dating eden” its polyamory just for clarification

and with elumax idk if i wanna do romantic for all of them or if i wanna do romance between lucas and max and queerplatonic between el and lucas and max or what? but i’ll figure it out along the way

and yeah everyones some flavor of gay except for like. hopper (not everyone has sure labels or wants to label themself and there might be some sexuality crises also)

and it’s probably gonna be rated mature for depictions of past abuse, violence, gore, past character death, shit like that, nobodys gonna be like. fucking though. but maybe making out

and i’ll have trigger warnings for individual chapters where i can as well

#bobbi babbling #stranger things #send requests #steddie #elumax #jargyle #robin and vickie #fix it fic

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, John Egbert, Roxy Lalonde

Candy, page 11

DAVE: yo john what do you think about me and karkat

JOHN: um...

JOHN: you two are pretty cute together, i guess?

DAVE: together

DAVE: i need you to be way more specific here

JOHN: oh, ok.

JOHN: hmm. i guess i’d have to say that you’re both cute individually when you’re with each other, and you make cute friends, which is why you’re cute together. something about it just works!

JOHN: i feel like i’m saying cute a lot here.

JOHN: for the record, i don’t mean you’re cute as an individual. no offense.

JOHN: alone, you’re just dave.

JOHN: but together, yeah. you guys are cute.

DAVE: together

DAVE: you mean

DAVE: like a couple

JOHN: er... yes.

JOHN: that’s exactly what i mean.

DAVE: why

JOHN: didn’t i just explain it? good friends make good partners!

JOHN: you’re similar in all the right ways, and different in all the even more right ways.

JOHN: you two balance each other out and keep each other from going off the rails, like when you were kids.

DAVE: huh

JOHN: you were both kinda... crazy when we were kids? again, no offense.

DAVE: thats not what i was saying huh about

JOHN: oh.

DAVE: i was saying huh because that sure was a coherent egbertian thesis on the state of the davekat situation

JOHN: well, i’ve thought about it that way for a long time. i think it’s what everyone else thinks too.

DAVE: i dont know

DAVE: if id been thinking about it that way i wouldnt be in the mess im in right now

JOHN: you’re in a mess?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: theres a metric fucking ton of shit about to come down on me because i dragged my heels on doing some serious self reflection

JOHN: is this just some more stuff about...

JOHN: being gay?

DAVE: maybe yeah

DAVE: ok definitely yeah

DAVE: its 110% about being gay

JOHN: i thought you’d already worked all that stuff out?

DAVE: turns out it takes a long time to figure out your sexuality after a childhood filled with repression and abuse

JOHN: dave...

DAVE: i mean yeah i woke the hell up to my inner potential for gayness in a big way

DAVE: but then i just kind of pressed the snooze button and rolled back over because we kinda had to fight all those jacks and also create society

JOHN: holy fucking shit.

JOHN: there’s a gay snooze button?

DAVE: yeah man theres a gay snooze button

JOHN: wow.

DAVE: when i was having my gay coolboy awakening it wasnt a full no homo but it was at least a quarter no homo

DAVE: if i hadnt done that then instead of talking to you about this id be at home right now

DAVE: uh

DAVE: kissing karkat probably

JOHN: i don’t get this dave. am i your gay confessor or something?

JOHN: you don’t need my blessing to go kiss karkat. in fact, i was pretty sure you were already kissing karkat!

DAVE: nope

JOHN: in that case, as the lord pope of dave’s fully awakened gaydom i give you my blessing to immediately leave and rectify that as soon as possible!

JOHN: go now my child, and kiss karkat right on the lips!!!

DAVE: ok as much as i appreciate how weird a thing that was to say

DAVE: its not that simple

JOHN: i might not exactly be the expert, but kissing seems pretty easy, dave.

JOHN: i’m sure it gets more complicated in the later stages obviously, but i think you can figure out how to get your lips on his without much trouble.

DAVE: no i mean like

DAVE: in the greater fabric of our weird incestuous social group

DAVE: it might be the wrong move i think

JOHN: how so?

DAVE: because

DAVE: ...

DAVE: jade

JOHN: right.

JOHN: i almost managed to forget that she was trying to fuck you and karkat.

DAVE: wait you knew about that

JOHN: uh, yeah?

JOHN: did you not?

DAVE: of course i knew about it

DAVE: i was lookin at the whole thing through several complicated layers of conscious denial but i knew

DAVE: its just that you like

DAVE: never leave your house

JOHN: well it probably helps that jade literally said the words to me... and i may be paraphrasing here, but...

JOHN: “hey john, i’m gonna fuck dave and karkat!”

DAVE: wtf she said that to you

DAVE: what did you say

JOHN: i dunno, it was a while ago. probably that it was a bad idea.

JOHN: but i thought it was kinda obvious... she’s always had a crush on you, dave.

DAVE: yeah i know

DAVE: thats why i think that i should

DAVE: give it a try i guess

JOHN: give what a try? dating jade?

DAVE: yeah

DAVE: and karkat

JOHN: oh man, dave. i don’t know. that sounds like it could really blow up in your face.

DAVE: yeah thats why im kinda freaking out right now if you didnt notice

JOHN: sorry dude it’s just... do you even like jade?

DAVE: of course i do shes one of my best friends

JOHN: no i meant... do you LIKE-like her?

DAVE: oh my god john youre twenty three years old can you at least pretend to talk like a grown man

JOHN: ok dave, god!

JOHN: are you IN LOVE with jade?

JOHN: ...are you in love with karkat?

DAVE: thats

DAVE: thats a big fucking question

DAVE: thats the biggest fucking question that ever got asked

DAVE: its like the paleolithic megafauna of questions like its so familiar but your eyes just glaze over it in denial because its too fucking big

DAVE: why did megalodon sharks need to have such big jaws john

JOHN: uh... to eat smaller sharks?

DAVE: ive never been so fucking terrified by a question in my entire life

DAVE: seriously my heart is pounding so hard right now that i feel like im gonna hurl

JOHN: well, doesn’t that answer the question?

DAVE: nah because

DAVE: because its not like i feel nothing for jade

DAVE: in fact i feel a whole lot of things for her

DAVE: too many to just tell her off after all this time

DAVE: i mean she spent all those years alone on the ship and i know she missed me

DAVE: and then davesprite died

DAVE: or turned into fucking davepeta i was never clear exactly on what happened there

DAVE: and god knows he didnt make any attempt to clear the fucking air with her

DAVE: but when i think about it neither did i

DAVE: so maybe im just a huge asshole whos been leading her on for like a whole goddamn decade at this point

DAVE: and if i have been dont i owe it to her to at least try

JOHN: if that’s your logic dave, then haven’t you been leading karkat on too?

JOHN: doesn’t he deserve the same chance?

JOHN: i mean, if you think it’s the kind of decision you can lay on another person like this...

JOHN: why don’t you just flip a coin?

DAVE: ...

DAVE: have you been talking to terezi

JOHN: um...

DAVE: damn i thought she ghosted everyone

JOHN: not me... i guess?

DAVE: huh

DAVE: anyway

DAVE: i know you thought that sounded like a totally cool thing to say but i dont really think you grasp the full metaphysical implications of whatever youre quoting there

DAVE: do you know what a coin flip is

DAVE: like universally i mean in the grand scale of all this time space infinite string theory bullshit were always dealing with

JOHN: of course!

JOHN: it’s like when you know that you’ve already made a decision you’re reluctant about, and need an outside force to show you how you really feel?

DAVE: no dude thats dumb

DAVE: you should know this cause youve done the retcon thing

JOHN: what does that have to do with flipping coins?

DAVE: ok so every time you flip a coin youre creating an alternate timeline right

DAVE: one where it lands heads and one where it lands tails

DAVE: but while the coin is flipping both possibilities exist simultaneously

JOHN: but what if you knew for sure that you’d make the same decision no matter which side landed up?

DAVE: you cant

JOHN: so... it’s like the coin never lands then?

DAVE: sure

JOHN: then if you dated *both* jade and karkat it’d be like you’re winning the schrodinger’s cat paradox.

DAVE: uh yeah thats another theoretical paradox that i think you gotta read up on a bit more there buddy

JOHN: i probably won’t, but ok.

DAVE: fair enough

DAVE: but yes metaphysics aside me dating both jade and karkat at the same time literally is the issue at hand and it is that with which i currently and explicitly struggle

JOHN: yeah.

JOHN: sure seems that way.

DAVE: so...

JOHN: i dunno, dave.

JOHN: this all just... it doesn’t sound *right* to me.

JOHN: i mean... it doesn’t sound...

JOHN: *canon*?

DAVE: ugh not you too

DAVE: rose is always going on about canon

DAVE: i dont give a fuck about canon

JOHN: then what DO you give a fuck about?

DAVE: doing the right thing

DAVE: i guess

JOHN: this doesn’t seem hard to me at all, dave!

JOHN: go home right now and tell karkat how you feel.

DAVE: look i

DAVE: i cant

DAVE: if i did that it would be like

DAVE: like

JOHN: like what, dave? like you would be really happy, and karkat would also be really happy?

DAVE: ugh im not explaining myself right i need to

DAVE: i have to... talk to dirk i think

JOHN: uh, ok?

JOHN: what’s up?

ROXY: yo boys not to interrupt but we got kicked outta the restaurant for not ordering

JOHN: what? really?

JOHN: what’s even the point of being famous if that can happen?

ROXY: lmao i know right

ROXY: told u i wasnt classy enough for the joint

ROXY: i got all these breadsticks tho so we can reconvene in the park

ROXY: totes romantic

ROXY: ten minutes, what u say

JOHN: uh, sounds good! i’ll see you there soon!

JOHN: i’m... sorry i couldn’t help.

DAVE: nah dude its not your fault

DAVE: enjoy your date

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #dave strider #john egbert #roxy lalonde #candy epilogue #page 11

[worrywrite]

I was carded for the first time today. I am, very visibly not younger than 21 (even with a mask on). My wedding ring is also very visible. On top of this, it might have have been evident that I have a toddler as well based on my purchase.

But I went to the self checkout at Walmart and I learned some things today.

The first being that the Walmart self checkout (and likely all other cameras in the store) do some degree of facial recognition. Because the system is what triggered the card check. Not because of the items scanned, but because I was wearing a mask.

You see, my spouse and child have colds. And I was buying generic Mucinex and toddler safe cold medicine (hence why it might be evident that i have a toddler). Neither contain alcohol or common drug components. The Mucinex does contain, however, dextromethorphan. Which I didn't even know was controlled and from what I've read only gets abused in larger doses (nearly the whole package I was buying, and I was buying 1 package). But that's getting to my secondary concern here.

See I was wearing a mask because I'm unsure if I'm contagious. But the checkout was trying to scan my face to see if I was old enough to buy a "controlled" item. Which I do not like. I did not consent to be scanned by a computer. Even if it doesn't store data, I can't confirm that it didn't store my data. I don't like cameras in general, not because I'm doing anything wrong (I'm actually terribly anxious and worry about appearing like I'm doing something wrong all the time), but I don't like seeing myself and I don't like other people seeing me either (and that's a whole other psychological diagnosis for another day). And I really don't like my likeness being stored in a Walmart database. Regardless, not stepping foot in a Walmart again without a mask on my face. Doesn't matter if I'm sick or not. I may also feel compelled to flip off every camera I see (which wouldn't make me anxious--why am I explaining this?).

But this whole ordeal made me realize. Why does checking my age matter? Sure, for lots of things I get why you wouldn't want kids to get habit forming stuff like booze and smokes and vapes that could also hinder their development. But those things are still nearly just as hazardous to adults. And the risk of death or permanent damage isn't really consistent (not just with things you can buy at the supermarket, but controlled substances in general). It feels like having my card checked at this point is just the store saying "oh, you're old enough that the government says you can buy this? Cool, here's you're poison. Have fun consuming your poison. It probably won't kill you right away, so please remember to come back here to buy more poison--but only so long as your age stays above 21, the legally required poison-buying age."

But, you see. If those things are "okay" for "adults" to buy but not for underage folks to buy, why are those things even in the "everyone can walk in here and takes things off the shelf" store? Because there are stores and venues that only allow people with a verified age in (more or less; there's no bouncer at your average liquor store, but they're generally going to kick obviously underage folk out on sight).

And there's a much more complex discussion about this that im noy going to gets into. Be a use not everything restricted is universally bad. In fact, very few things are actually universally bad for human consumption. Some of these things are age restricted but still readily accessible due to the absolutely broken nature of health care in the US, while but others... Yeah. Complicated problem. But I really don't think that being able to say "yeah, you're old enough that it doesn't matter that these things are dangerous" is the solution.

#walmart #venting #raise your hand if you are above the legal poison buying age. #facial recognition