#and like honestly i feel like i should be fine but im not

[thatdemiboymess]

Turning up the music to max volume and laying facedown on the bed because the mental health has hit rock bottom like DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT, DROWN IT OUT--

Thoughts of self harm and maybe suicidal ideation in the vent in the tags. Sorry.

#irl #vent #self harm mention #self harm #i am not having a good time today at all chat #my brain is giving me the itchy little localized signals in my wrists that are connected to the Bad Thoughts and Horrible Coping Mechanisms #and like honestly i feel like i should be fine but im not #shit sucks #almost started crying because i realized i forgot to grab some new exfoliating gloves while i was at the store #gonna be eating nothing but ramen and potatoes this month #im lonely and life feels like a really shitty time loop and im probably never gonna be able to get my cats and bring them here #because i need to somehow manage to save up $500 just for oet deposit and pet rent #when everything is month to month to month #i dont have any friends and i dont talk to my family and i sincerely feel like i could die and the only person that would know would be #my partner and even then thats because we live together #and when i do finally die its not like anyone will have known me #people that i should or used to be close with will find out eventually and theyll all call me by a name that isnt mine #using pronouns and words and descriptors that misrepresent me as a person #ect ect ECT #whatever #like whats even the point honestly???? #i dont know what im doing here i just feel like a huge burden to everyone around me #dssi is barely enough for groceries but its not like i can get a job near me being legally blind #im just a big ol burdensome money sink lolol #just an overly needy little waste of space #i dunno #i dont know shit anymore #im so fucking tired all the time man #im just #so tired

[accidental-spice]

In the words of Jessica Day, "Work sucked today, my friends"

#at least im 90% sure she said that once #anyways it sucked. a LOT #i i paid for something i shouldnt have causing my boss to have to reimburse me and they were. less than pleased #and like i get that i should have communicated better but maybe so should you guys? #i dont know. i think im not completely in the wrong about this but its hard to tell right now #i just want to cry and not think about it ever again #at the moment only one of those is happening #i just. it cant have been ENTIRELY my fault #and i honestly dont know why its such a big deal #but my boss and i have VERY different minds #uuuuuuugggggghhhhhhhhh #i feel like everything turned out fine but i also feel like its all my fault and everything sucks #and maybe i should stand up for myself but. i do. not. want. to #i KNOW im gonna say my thoughts on it and theyre gonna say something else and ill be like uuuuhhhhh #sure yes whatever im clearly wrong #sigh

[northern-passage]

one thing i find really difficult about navigating the IF space is the direct line of contact between readers and authors. we share the same space, and i think that plays a big part in this weird blurred line we have in this community and overall lack of boundaries.

for a lot of people this is a fun hobby and while i personally try to keep it... semi-professional most of the time, it's easy to get wrapped up in having fun on tumblr (or the forums, or reddit, wherever it is that you mainly post/interact) and have a lot of personal interactions with both readers and authors alike - which is fun! i like it more often than not, but i also think that's why a lot of comments in this space can end up being really entitled, over-familiar, and inappropriate.

it's no secret that most authors get really weird messages on here, and while this is also a problem on social media at large and not just specific to IF tumblr, it is still definitely a big problem in this community.

and to be clear i'm not saying that you can't be friendly with authors or readers (i've become friends with a handful of readers myself) and i definitely don't mean to imply that there needs to be a huge divide between us; that's silly - again, most authors are readers, most readers are authors, we’re just people on the internet sharing the same space. but all of us deserve to have our boundaries respected. this is my story, and we are strangers. as a general rule of thumb: if you wouldn't say it out loud to someone you just met, you probably shouldn't be saying it to a stranger online. especially anonymously.

#i also think this is why some criticisms get so messy in this space as well #authors should not always be in the same space as the readers/reviewers #and readers shouldnt be able to directly @ authors with their extremely negative reviews esp when it's subjective #(‘’i hate this’’ as opposed to pointing out genuinely harmful content or other criticism) #for everyone's sake #& on a kinda related note: speaking as someone who has been receiving targeted harassment for *checks watch* over two years now #some people really need to reevaluate the way they interact with certain media #i think IF feels very personal due to the interactivity and the customization of the mc #but not everything is written for you. and it's fine to just not like something #without sending weird harassing anonymous messages for 2 years straight to a stranger on the internet. lol #honestly criticism is another can of worms and that's not really what i'm talking about here #but i do think that's also part of the entitlement and overfamiliarity as well #so imo it's connected a little bit. something to think about #at the end of the day my advice to other authors about this is to know your limits and know when you need to extract yourself #and know that you don't have to respond to every ask #especially if it makes you uncomfortable #and im definitely not trying to sound like the authority here this is something i've struggled with as well #like i said it is hard to navigate #and authors can be guilty of this too. wanting to defend yourself or insert yourself into conversations where you shouldn't #i've done that myself #and i've also had other authors i dont know be way overly familiar with me in the past #all of this is just an unfortunate part of online community i think. but im trying to be more mindful about it #anyways. this post brought to you by the weird messages in my and my friends' inboxes lately #i just think you should not be telling authors about pesonal bodily functions in anonymous asks #as an example. lol #personal

[piecesofchess]

How many years do you think it'll take of the community telling KI that the Bedrest/Miracle Mitch mechanic is the single most hated thing about Pirate101, before they decide to finally remove it?

#miracle mitch #and everyone telling them that the life fountain was fine and they should let it heal like it used to? #because honestly. who would pay for miracle mitch instead of just logging off and not playing for a day #it's made players play less which im sure hurts the game over time #and no matter how 'cheap' you make mitch og players will remember that i was simply. free. to heal companions #i feel like this has been made so clear among the community but ki just refuses to remove it at this point? #rambling

[ninja-knox-ur-sox-off]

Every once in a while I'm possessed by the frankly insanely intense urge to draw on myself

#knox rambles #ive been meaning to get skinsafe pens or markers or something but i havent #im staring at my thumb vividly watching where the lines should be #this will not go away until i either draw this out or find another outlet for my bottled up emotions-- #i feel a bit mentally ill #slight grips of insanity digging into my brain #someone might look at me and assume im contemplating murder by the expression on my face but no #im just resisting the urge to grab a pen and come to an hour later with a headache and some elaborate drawing over MY THUMB SPICIFICALLY #i really need to find good skinsafe markers #totally fine one second feeling like my sanity is slipping the next its all i can think about now #is this a problem? who knows honestly WHEEZEJFJJG

[krussyarts]

I am so normal about sonic prime guys haha

I lied I'm absolutely insane.

#sonic prime #sonic the hedgehog #shadow the hedgehog #prim rouge #thorn rose #knuckles the dread #there's something sapphic about prim and thorn and i feel like im the only one seeing it #This is the second time im trying to post this last time the post got severely fucked #Honestly? #sonadow #I had important thoughts in the original tags but whatever i guess #BASICALLY #Shadow should get hurt #Badly i mean #Because sonic is far too reliant that shadow will just “be fine” #He needs to fall lower (i love him i promise) #The question nine asks sonic is so good tho #Excited for part 3 #sonic prime spoilers

[treasureplcnet]

do you have any drawing tips? i'm just starting out and your style inspires me to keep going fr!!

HIYA !!! thank you that is so kind of you, i would say to keep drawing with references and do studies!! typically art studies (in like art school lol) are of old masters (da vinci, etc) but doing studies of styles that you like, like trying to copy a certain artist you like, also helps you develop skills !!

for example, lots of people (especially fanartists lol) do studies of artists like leyendecker while making the models their favorite characters/ocs, so it helps to make studies fun. literally look up leyendecker study on tumblr dot com and you will see hundreds.

(gets a bit long and rambly so i've thrown it under the cut :')

style studies can be anything! above was done while watching wolfwalkers, just loose sketches that copied the style as the movie went along. i love the design and style in that film, wanted to incorporate it in my character design work, so i tried it out myself! it let me know the kinds of shapes used in the construction, the way it moves (wrt to animation) and silhouettes. by copying something, you learn how to do it on the way (so the kinds of colors used, what works best with shading, etc) it's like. reverse engineering

even very loosely copying something to identify what you like about the style helps! these were modelled after the way slimsense on ig paints (her work is 2nd + 4th examples below, my attempts at 'paint' 1st and 3rd lol), but doesn't really look like her work. i'm not necessarily trying to make perfect copies. i liked that her paint didn't blend perfectly, was blocky, and the additional lineart over the painting, so i brought that into my own art. i tried to create a painting style that was 'my own' off of lots of trial and error, and seeing what stuck!

also find brushes you like! adobe has a bunch on their page (if you have photoshop, but i know there's some for procreate and other programs) and if you want the adobe brush files, lmk. i will send a drive link to you LOL (sketches of the same characters, using different brushes below. the two i used the most often, one being a solid inker and the other being a paintbrush)

generally doing figure drawing is good too. i've heard advice about art where you can only start breaking the rules after you understand them, and a good grasp on anatomy, proportions, etc is definitely a good place to start! good sites to use for this are line of action for poses, and the morpho books (if you need pdfs of this let me know, though you should be able to find them if you look lol) !

i would also say learn perspective early on. i have no tips for you here i am so sorry. i didn't and now it bites me in the ass, but there has to be a youtube tutorial for this out there that can help you AND me. same goes for color theory. quickly dropping my favorite van gogh quote of all time:

(quote is from a letter to his brother) just everyone needs the fundamentals first. don't worry about a personal style: that just comes naturally as you develop as an artist, and i was certainly inspired by a lot of the things i watched/consumed and artists i admired which absolutely shows in my work i think (manet. western comics. fma. avatar. pjo fanart. there are tells. you know how it is.)

also flip your canvas !!! like see below ... frankly this marcille is so lopsided (her entire face should shift to the left) LOL !! flipping horizontally makes the anatomy mistakes obvious, and shows you you what you need to fix. i should never have posted this as is but sometimes it works for humor and an artist is lazy </3

AND ALWAYS USE REFERENCES WHEN YOU CAN!! i should use more references tbh!!! it helps with posing, getting anatomy correct, etc, and my friends use pinterest a lot, though i tend to just google when i need to LOLLL

also draw what you like. there is genuinely nothing that is better for your art than getting into something REALLY BAD and then non stop drawing it. time + practice will lead to improvement no matter what the subject is!

i hope this was not too much information all at once !!! and some of it is helpful!!! it's a lot of basic improvement tips that i try to practice and use when i can :) so sorry that this got so long!!!!

#everyone and their mother is doing leyendecker studies like i should do one too #i would also kind of say 'find out how you like to draw' #i feel like lots of artists start by thinking you have to be able to do perfect realism but its not necessarily true #realism ofc helps. like ive said. its the foundation to start and it's good to know proportions and such #but if you realise you like to paint more like a impressionist than a preraphaelite . then its fine! just keep creating! #textposts that are like 'you should be creating for yourself and possibly 5 others who are into the same niche shit as you' #its true!!!!!!!! #this is actually so rambly. if this is not what you meant please let me know #i am also still learning and trying to get better. grind never stops. the only grind im happy to keep going at #answered #anon #also ok not sure also if there are manet tells . like there honestly arent but still. his art changed me. #ok goodnight. i shouldnt be awake. best of luck anon :)

[ukulelegodparent]

It's so weird growing up how fast you get disinterested in eating sweet food. Like I've gone from 'I can eat a bag of Gummi Bears and drink a liter of coke and have a big bar of chocolate in one evening' to 'i'll have sweet things sometimes but I get so sick of like eg Gummi Bears so quickly. A handful is really on the verge of too much sometimes' in so little time.

#like idk it's so wild to me #and i mean im not even 25 yet #i am not old by any standard #i feel like it should be talked about more too #like i remember being 15 and feeling bad for my sugar cravings #i guess partly bc i was watching diet culture shit but also just like i was looking at diet recs made by people in their mid-twenties #at least #and like looking back I'm just like you're fine. you're just like 15 you need more sugar and that's not a bad thing #like just trust yourself and eat whatever you want. eventually you won't like this anymore bc youll be older #i mean i look at my brother and he's 14 and he eats so much and especially so much sweet stuff #and like my parents tell him to stop but honestly i feel like when you're that age like you're going through so much #and like your brain changes etc so like of course you want a lot of sugar what the fuck #and eventually you will get older and realise that having idk some veg with a dip or something #feels better in those moments or you know. sometimes you'll still want sweets but you'll also crave something more substantial #but that's just not how teenagers work

[imjustli]

Mantra: I am real I would be missed I can be happy here

#i should drop out. i think i need to take a year. but its too much fun i don't want to stop #and honestly im scared ill lose the little resemblance of friendships i have. and im worried i wont be able to form new ones #like im sure ill be fine i just don't feel it

[skitskatdacat63]

This being Wikipedia's picture of Jenson for the 2009 season is insane, every time I open the page, I'm like "my god Jenson please, put your tits away 🫣" ALSO ALSO IM CRYING, I checked the pic's descrip and it's literally: "A very fit Jense", so true!!!

#the best fireproofs frrrrr 🤤🤤 #i check 2009 a lot and literally every time i have to take at least a few seconds to stare at this picture #every single time im like....my god jense... #whoever picked this one for it props to you #wikipedia's pictures for racers is one of those things i feel incredibly specific over(if that makes sense?) #the thing that bothers me so much is itll be the page for like 2018 and then the pic of the driver is from before that season #tho the worst is when its a pic of them not even in the correct team 😡 #if i could do anything in the world it would be to edit all the season pages with proper pics #these should generally be a headshot from the proper year imo #the year thing really bothers me honestly bcs i feel like it should be proper yr so you know what the driver from then actually looks like #example: why does lewis have the same pic for 2016-2021 but 2018 randomly has a different one?? #AND WHY IS CHECO'S PIC FOR 2021 FROM 2019 WHEN HE WAS IN RACING POINT #^ its like 'sergio perez driving for rbr' then why tf is he wearing racing point gear.......... #another ex. max's 2023 pic is from 2017 broooooo it makes him look so young #i just think it gives a really inaccurate view of the season #if im looking at the wiki page for 2023 i wanna know what the wdc leader looks like now...not what he looked like 6 years ago.... #anyways that being said im fine with this one particularly bcs its accurate and also very 😳 #catie.rambling.txt #jenson button

[ehlnofay]

I should try writing something to evoke the very specific atmosphere I experience when I play too much first person 3D video game and then have mental illness symptoms. it's extremely singular. worth attempting to portray

#whose hands are these? not mine!! #the scissors on the floor are shiny and i keep feeling like they should be interactible. #but everything in here is interactible because it is a REAL SPACE #with my REAL BODY in it #this kind of dissociation is not frequent for me and it is so fucking trippy. im chill about it but I'm also deeply freaked out #posting this into the void where nobody will read it because nothing exists outside the video game style cell of my room etc etc #but my CAT is in here. and he's FLUFFY. and he's REAL. PROBABLY. so take that #dear real people who i know intellectually might see this: IGNORE THIS POST. honestly dw I'm fine #im about to go to bed which will push the reset button on my brain and in the morning I will be #perhaps not fixed but not actively Like This #big improvement. #byebye see you #should i make a tag for this shit or something #fay exhibits symptoms on main #fuxking hell i swear to god the roll of tape on the floor is like. floating. clipping. why is it like that why didn't i just lay it flat #was i trying to squick myself out #ANYWAY

[bambino1294]

and when I get out of this FUCKING HOUSE

#rambles #literally ignore me I’m venting #bought some clothes online right #something I don’t normally do so spooky scary new things that freak out the tism #have to return a couple items okay #I miss one thing in the return package that I only realised after I give it to the post office #(I resolved it via customer service so it’s literally fine and not a big deal) #tell my mum I forgot the thing and she IMMEDIATELY loses it at me because I don’t want to walk all the way back to the fucking post office #like at this point I’m still anxious because I think I did something wrong #not knowing it could be resolved dead easy #so my mum literally yelling at me is not making me feel better and actively setting off my pissed-off defence mechanism #so last thing I do is call her a bitch and she actually screams at me #like should I have called her that? no #but has this woman ever apologised to me in my LIFE? also no #so I’m gonna be petty and stubborn and leave her to be pissed off cause she upset me first #honestly was fully expecting her to smack me in the moment or not make me dinner. I was fully prepared for that. but thats beside the point #anyway dad gets home. literally tries to make me talk to him in the kitchen and when I don’t want to he shouts at me #literally just not in the mood to deal with more conversation tonight and I told him that and he was like ‘okay paint yourself the victim’ #like????? THATS NOT WHAT IM DOING FUCKWAD I JUST AM NOT IN THE HEADSPACE TO TALK RIGHT NOW #like I’m not gonna pretend I’m the bigger person in this situation or didn’t do anything wrong #but they’re fucking unreasonable people whenever I do ANYTHING wrong #like bro I don’t know how to sincerely apologise to people because I never EVER heard the word sorry out of their mouths #so they can fucking live with what they created tbh #congratulations your daughter’s a shit person and now you have to cope with it #honestly get me out of this fucking house the temptation to just walk out is only battled by the fact I’d have no where to go rn #vent post #don’t reblog ty #vent over sos y’all had to see that <3

[doodlboy]

Yk what I *DESPISE*??? When ppl accuse you of shit you didn't do and then when u stand up for yourself they start mocking u and treating you like shit for getting annoyed

#sincerely my shit mother #she tells me “oh its fine to hang out in your room bc you have a desk now and i dont have to watch doctor who lmao blah blah blah” #so what do i do? take her up on it and hang out in my room when i dont feel like socializing! #and she accuses me of doing shady shit! #so when i say im doing exactly what she said i could do she starts mimicking me in baby talk like a fucking child #and when i tell her to cut it out bc im not doing a damn thing wrong she goes “okay woww jeez” and makes an angry cat sound #2 make fun of me being pissed off at her #and then she goes on a speil abt how she owns this house and her name is on the bills so she can shut down my shit anytime #& i should respect her like- honestly bitch fuck you. as soon as i can im getting the fuck out of here. #im sick of being treated like shit for doing absolutely nothing #elliot rambles #vent

[surreal-duck]

messing around a bit

#delete later #man i havent rly drawn for myself in a while it feels weird #trying to play around w my style lately but i dont think its getting anywhere whwhkjsdghjdg #shoutout to yuzuru if nobody's got me after burning out all of my creative juices ik hes got me #should probably go to sleep early tonight got assigned another project to work on through next week at my internship 😔 #still going through a very mixed feelings stage regarding on how i see my art but ill live i guess #just. nothing is good enough. im never gonna be satisfied. i think this looks fine. this is the worst thing ive ever seen and made. #im gonna fall behind. it isnt a race. everyones already far ahead. maybe this is okay. why are you satisfied with this much its not enough. #aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa being an artist am i right ! agony #well i guess lately its not that i just havent been drawing things for me but more like i cant for some reason. burnouts an asshole #even though i really really did want to make things it honestly sucked ass not being able to i rly dont know what id do if i cant draw #actually took some time for myself yesterday and walked around town a bit it was nice. pierced my ears again and treated myself #but as consequence of course i am now broke </3 unfortunate #hmmmmm idk what im saying kdjsjgdhhskgjdhsdg hope things r going well for everyone else if you're even reading this! may u have a good week #man i wish i just knew if things are gonna be okay #hngggg baru aja tiga bulan masuk balik sekolah sama udah secapek ini wkwkwkwkkwkwk payah gk sih gw ini #masih setahun lebih sampe lulus juga head in hands kenapa gk bisa tidur buat seminggu aja aaagh #ya yang penting juga gw masih hidup sih gk mau kemana-mana kyk gini #aaaaaaaaa gk mau masuk studio besokkkk mau tidurrrr #me when i have to do my job at work #i wonder what i should make for lunch and dinner tomorrow. knowing me though ill end up falling asleep as soon as i get out of the shower #sorry this is. all over the place props if you're even reading this far LOL apologies you have to see me rant a bit

[no1ryomafan]

In my constant brain rotations of “why are people in the west so hard on mecha aside from the fandom can be a bit unfriendly” I think one thing I realized as much as I hate to say is how mecha is sometimes treated remind me of the constant hatred superhero stuff gets.

It’s such a weird comparison because with mecha I do not know what the root of it was-and I’d love to know why but I feel there’s either no clear answer or there is one and it’s stupid-where as for superheroes in the west while there’s still a dedicated community the mainstream audiences have become tired of them due to over-saturation, which I understand, but it’s caused such a massive dismal to the entire genre of it much like mecha.

People think superhero stories can’t have any substance because it’s all about fighting and not about the characters- yet forget the SIGNIFICANT impact they had to so much pop culture. How superhero stories were rooted within comic popularity, how superheroes inspired countless of stories, even so far as reaching japan since so much early anime was taken off of western media which birthed its own genre of superheroes. It’s no different to how mecha help started up the anime industry making it one of the most important genres to japans history, yet most people don’t know it and belittle it.

Yet in superhero story cases it’s even WORSE when people are against it yet then go to see one superhero movie because it’s animated and put it on a pedestal and don’t bother to try other superhero content even though they consumed is no different from the norm. It’s the exact same shit when people watch eva and then think all other mechas don’t compare to it, when the genre always had darker, mature and emotional elements, just only a select few decide to canter to a audience who doesn’t even accept what genre it’s from which makes it all the more frustrating to deal with.

I’m someone who’s hardly into superhero stuff even if some of it catches my eye but it sucks to see that the situation is pretty identical to how mecha is seen, that I can’t help to feel sympathetic whenever I see some comic book fans upset at the mainstream audience even if they too can be a little hostile.

#meg text #to clarify I do agree 100% live action superhero movies especially the MCU got really stale #but that doesn’t mean those movies being stale should single out all superhero content when the stuff before is still GOOD #I was in a server that wasn’t mecha but someone was like “I hate superheroes” yet the discussion was just about a old Justice league cartoo #again- what’s so wrong about the animated ones? when they were from a time pre-saturation and people praise shit like spider verse? #I seriously cant tell if this is also a factor of the ever growing issue of people don’t wanna check out old things despite their importanc #*me awaiting the day someone unironically saids the boys/invincible/spider verse is a deconstruction so I can sigh in pain with actual fans #I hope to god that doesn’t happen but it feels like it’s close to why people already say superhero movies don’t have characters #and maybe that’s true bc I haven’t watched a marvel movie in ages but also I think you more so mean “characters being expanded upon” #because… every story has characters… just some can lack dimension and depth… but their still characters… #oh and it’s funny how it’s always these two that get singled out for focusing on action but shonen gets a pass 😑 #action doesn’t equate to less characters!! How do people not realize this? #it’s fine if not your preference but fights can LITERALLY be CHARACTER DRIVEN #a lot of them are in fact because there’s always a purpose to these fights! Even if the meaning is sometimes barebone #also I know there’s gonna be a mecha fan who hates superhero who finds this post #and hate to break it to you but I’m pretty sure the super in super robot came from superhero and just not super powered #especially when a lot of the stuff Nagai made/worked on was him clearly tackling a superhero story from another angle #of course mecha isn’t entirely a superhero genre since we have “reals” but the 70s robots? Oh yeah meant to be superhero’s #and what I said above I think the comparison is warranted because the downplaying is unreal sometimes #will say between the two superhero’s probably have it worse because mecha honestly is more so “im curious but idk more then 5 shows” #because my god I can’t have some conversations irl where this shit doenst get unnecessary heated #had a whole English teacher who wouldn’t stop complaining about superhero movies last semester in college 💀 it’s that bad #that said mecha still suffers from people liking one show and shooting down the other it’s just not as prevalent bc mecha content is low #it’s not dead like others say but it’s mainly been gundam and people now just think gundam is every robot (which is PAINFUL but whatever) #moral of the story is don’t judge a book by it’s cover especially when that book is actually really important to fucking pop culture

[scarletcomet]

I'm 2 weeks clean but I want to cut so badly

#i dont even care about fucking up 2 weeks #i dont want to be 2 weeks clean #im fucking sick of this #i just don't want to lie to my therapist or doctor but i don't want them to tell my parents #im honestly kinda very pissed about rebecca telling our parents when we self-harm (happened to someone else today) #we're adults. i did not sign a release of information so it should be illegal for her to tell my parents #but noooo #im not 16. i was never able to be honest about sh when i was a teenager and it feels like that again #which is ridiculous because im 21 #it's my body. i should be allowed to do what i want with it #smoking or vaping is probably wayyy worse for you than superficial cuts but that's fine