#and then being accused fucking constantly of not caring enough because I didn't know??? what someone wanted???

[cervinelich]

"Everyone always leaves/abandons/rejects me =C" is such a huge red flag for me. Saw someone saying this on social media the other day and knee-jerk instinct was "blockblockblock"

#like I understand it can feel like you are constantly being abandoned or rejected especially if you have rejection sensitivity #but in my personal experience this often comes from assuming the worst of the people around you due to anxiety #and often translates into not communicating your needs and wants to friends and assuming they should behave a certain way intuitively #and this has been used MANY times to accuse me of being a shitty person for not... knowing exactly how someone wants to be treated #and then being accused fucking constantly of not caring enough because I didn't know??? what someone wanted??? #I also was kept on the hook with SEVERAL different people saying “everyone always abandons me =C” #to put me in a position of never settings boundaries with them bc then they would have an extreme fear reaction I was “leaving them” #and I'm talking about like if I tried to tell one of them to please not call me at 1AM every night when I had work the next day #I tried to ask one of my friends if we could spend *slightly* less time together bc we were attached at the hip and he had a MELTDOWN #asked one ex if I could go hang out with friends without her and she called me sobbing in the middle of the hangout to get me to come home #idk maybe this is just a particular trigger for me afjvbsdklfj LMAO but if someone says “everyone abandons me” #I am immediately suspicious that they are expecting too much of their friendships and not communicating and allowing boundaries #LONG RANT SORRY

[bitchinbarzal]

https://www.tumblr.com/bitchinbarzal/736733295226896384/do-it-lets-fuck-some-shit-up-cole-anon

At this point she was already pregnant (baby Luca) but she didn't know it

Mama Hischier was ready to raise this baby alone and in secret, i need drama

😮‍💨 oh bestie the angst. I know this doesn’t really fit with the original storyline but I’m going to make it because it’s too good.

Nico was in Switzerland for the summer with Naomi. You were supposed to fly Iris over half way through the off season before joining your girlfriends on a beach vacation in Greece then coming home to jersey.

However, plans change. You were sick, so severely sick.

You’d ended up calling Nico three weeks into the off season

“I need you to come back to jersey and get iris”

“What?! She’s not supposed to be here for another-“

“Nico, I can’t get into this with you can you do it or not? I can’t bring her there anymore”

You had it out on the phone, him accusing you of being difficult assuming it had something to do with Naomi being there or what he’d told you before he left.

It wasn’t, there was someone else you were too focused on.

Luckily, Timo’s girlfriend had shows in California so they were still in the states and they’d agreed to come to jersey after the shows were finished to get Iris and take her back to Switzerland with them.

You thought it best to let her go to her dads before it got bad.

Iris however was constantly watching you throw up, scared something was wrong. She was so worried.

You knew you were pregnant. Mom's intuition. And you were terrified.

You were scared, the fear from before was coming back up. Everything you’d been through four years ago was sitting at the forefront of your mind.

You were pregnant with Nico’s baby and he was trying to have a baby with someone else.

You hadn’t told him, after your conversations about him and Naomi you decided very selfishly, you’d do this alone.

In Switzerland, Iris was lapping up the love from her auntie, uncle, oma and opa.

All of them had watched her over the week and how Naomi interacted with her.

About a week into her trip, Iris was in bed ready to sleep when her grandma headed up to say goodnight. She stopped when she heard the little girl speak

“Is daddy coming to read to me?”

“No, your dad is busy. He doesn’t want to see you” Naomi snapped and his mom frowned listening to her tone “and Iris, I know your mommy sent you here to ruin our summer but please sweetheart just leave me and your daddy alone this week ok? You’re really bothering us”

She could hear the quiver in Iris’ voice “but mommy’s si-“

“I don’t care. she’s a pain in my side and so are yo-“

“Enough!” Iris scrambled out of bed to her grandma’s arms while Naomi tried to stumble out an excuse for what she’d clearly said.

“I think it’s best you leave Naomi, you’re not welcome in our house any longer”

They made off downstairs, Iris sniffling and Naomi yelling behind them about how they couldn’t kick her out, this wasn’t fair.

“Woah, what’s happening?” Nina asked, stopping the conversations she was having with her brothers and dad in the living room to focus solely on her distraught little niece.

Nico’s mom stared at him in a way she hadn’t since he was a child

“I want her out of our house, now”

He nodded, up out of his seat and straight towards Iris who shifted her head so she wasn’t looking at her father. Nico’s heart broke, he had no idea what was going on.

He left the house with Naomi and didn’t arrive back for almost two hours, by this time Iris was fast asleep in her uncles lap.

When he did come in the family were all waiting for him just as he’d left. He didn’t care about them, or what they had to say. He cared about Iris.

He approached her sleeping form and crouched down infront of her, kissing her cheek before lifting her up into his arms and taking her up to his bed.

He held her all night, still fully dressed in his clothes he’d worn all day. He just had to hold his girl.

When the morning came and Iris woke up she had to gather her surroundings before she saw Nico and cuddled into him some more

“Morning princess”

“Hi daddy”

He sucked in a breath before saying “You want to talk?”

Iris contemplated it for a minute before she said

“Are you and mommy fighting because mommy’s sick? Is that why Naomi doesn’t like mommy?”

Nico frowned “Mommy’s sick?”

Iris nodded "We went to the doctors home and she was crying" now Nico is internally panicking, a million thoughts running through his mind of what could be wrong with you.

"But the doctor lady gave mommy a present to take home and she was smiling after”

“What did she get?” He asks and Iris jumps out of bed, leaving the room momentarily before coming back in holding something.

He takes it from her hand and he is instantly relieved, it's just her sonogram. It takes him a moment before he quirks his head. That's not Iris. He knows her picture, it's in his stall, he sees it everyday.

Then he sees the name and date at the top.

You were pregnant.

Nico has a wave of emotions fall over him for a moment, anger, jealousy, hurt before he turns to Iris

“Mommy’s gonna be okay, ‘ris I promise”

She hums, still stuck into his side before she says

“Daddy?”

“Yeah squish?”

“I wanna go home to mommy”

“Yeah, me too”

So they travelled back to Jersey that night, the two of them needing your comfort.

You were in the middle of watching a movie when they came through the door, startling you

“Mama I’m home!” Iris shouted, jumping up onto the couch and into your arms

“Hi babygirl, what on earth are you guys doing back here?”you were looking at Nico to answer that.

He sat down next to you, pulling the blanket you had over him too then put down the sonogram on the coffee table infront of you both.

The smile on your face dropped and you looked at him, panicked.

“I hope it’s a boy” is all he says before grabbing your hand and squeezing it.

He knew. He knew it was his baby.

You squeezed his hand back “Not the baby mom you’d hoped for-“

“Hey” he grumbled “You’re the best mom and if I get the choice you’ll be the only mom to all of my kids”

“Neeks…”

“We’ll talk when she’s in bed ok?”

You nod, letting it go for now while watching Iris cuddle into your side to watch the movie and Nico’s hand spreads out across your belly.

He had everything he ever wanted under that roof

#life of Iris #Nico and mama

[damiansgoodgirll]

Can you write some Kylian angst where him and reader have a big argument, he walks out and drives off which makes reader cry, after he left she feels ill then she tries to call Kylian but he didn't answer and then she faints, when he comes home he found her on the floor and takes her to the hospital direct and they found out she is pregnant. After she was really mad at him but forgives him after he apologize many times?

kylian mbappè x reader

trigger warning : angst, mention of cheating, fainting, pregnancy

i never meant to hurt you

“kylian! can you please calm down!” you kept screaming, knowing that he wouldn’t listen to you.

“calm down? y/n the photos are everywhere! who is he? uh?” he asked you, again.

it started as a normal day but kylian came home and accused you of cheating on him. it was ridiculous but there were pictures of you hugging a boy that wasn’t kylian and instead of letting you explain, he accused you of lying and cheating on him.

“he’s a friend! i was at the bar and we bumped into each other, i haven’t seen in for years kylian!” you had enough, he was being childish.

“sure…you bumped into a friend and decided to sit at the table with him and hug him?” he was mad.

“yes! is that so hard to believe?” you asked him. tears falling from your eyes because it was the first time kylian screamed at you.

“very hard to believe you didn’t cheat…i can’t believe that after all of these years we’ve spent together you decided to cheat, on me…” he told you.

“kylian! i fucking didn’t cheat on you! why can’t you trust me?” you almost screamed.

“maybe because all i see was my girlfriend all over a man who wasn’t me?”

“i’ve never, never, said anything when all those models constantly flirts with you even tho you know how mad it makes me, when i see them touching you and hugging you, i never complained and for one time! one time that i see an old friend of mine, who’s actually married, one time that i decide to hug an old friend of mine, you accuse me of cheating? kylian, what the fuck?” you couldn’t keep it in you any longer so you told him everything you wanted him to know.

“you know that’s different!” he screamed back.

“how?”

“those are models i work with!” he explained.

“oh my bad! i only knew kylian the football player, not kylian the victoria’s secret model!”

“you know that’s not what i meant! it’s all my sponsors…you know that! but we are not talking about me! it’s you who cheated and the pictures are everywhere and i can’t barely stand in the same room with you right now!” he said, taking a jacket and his car keys.

“where are you going now?”

“i’m going for a drive…” and with that he left the house, leaving you standing there in the living room.

it’s been thirty minutes since he left you home alone and you started to feel sick. you felt pain in your lower stomach and your head became dizzy.

you reached for your phone in your pocket and you tried to call kylian but he wouldn’t pick up. you tried a few times but the pain became too much and you were terrified.

“please pick up…” you whispered.

but he wouldn’t.

you tried to go from the living room to the kitchen, seeing is drinking some water would make you feel better but you weren’t able to take a few steps forward that you laid on the floor due to the pain.

and then you saw nothing but black surrounding you.

kylian realised that he acted as a child the moment he left you alone. but he didn’t want to come back home, he was mad at himself for making you cry. but eventually he thought he spent too much time driving around the city and all he wanted to do was to apologise to you, so he came back home. what he wasn’t expecting was to see you laying on the ground, unresponsive. he immediately called an ambulance as he tried in any way possible to wake you up.

once you were taken to the hospital, doctors and nurses ran towards you to take care of you.

kylian was panicking, he was blaming himself for leaving you alone, he was blaming himself for not picking up your calls, he was mad at himself for screaming at you and for not believing in you.

he stood next to you for the whole time the doctors took test on you.

“she was stressed and dehydrated” one of the nurses told kylian, hoping he would calm down.

when you woke up, you saw a white blinding light pointed out into your eyes, making you squeeze them violently.

“easy easy…” you heard kylian voice next to you.

“kylian?” you called him, opening your eyes softly.

“it’s me…i’m here baby, i’m so sorry…” he apologised “i’m so sorry for screaming at you, for not believing in you…”

“it’s okay…” you said tiredly. you were still mad at him but you were too tired to fight back at the moment.

before he could speak again, a doctor came into the room with the happiest of the smiles you have ever seen.

he checked you, like every doctor is supposed to do.

“next time don’t stress to much, it will hurt the baby…” he smiled at you.

“the what?” you asked him a little confused.

“the baby…you’re pregnant…the test we ran also showed us a high level of dehydration, probably the reason you fainted in the first place, also, your boyfriend told us you had a little argument before the accident happened so i suggest you to both keep it down, for the sake of the baby” he smiled at you “congratulations!”

you and kylian were shocked. you had planned a lot of things in your life but a kid wasn’t on the list. in that moment you forgot about being mad at kylian, your worry was all about the kid you were carrying.

“we’re gonna be parents…” kylian whispered. you thought he was going to be mad but the tears in his eyes and the smile on his face told you a different story.

“we’re gonna be parents…” you repeated, smiling at him, and in that moment all of your worries began to fade as you let kylian hold you and taking care of you.

#football imagine #football x reader #football fan #football one shot #football headcanon #football x you #football story #football imagines #football fluff #football smut #football fanfic #football drabble #kylian mbappe smut #kylian mbappe fluff #kylian mbappe one shot #kylian mbappe imagine #kylian mbappè imagine #kylian mbappe x reader #kylian x reader #kylian mbappe #kylian mbappe imagines #kylian x you #kylian mbappe x y/n #kylian mbappe angst #kylian mbappe x you #kylian mbappe oneshot #kylian mbappe x oc #kylian fanfic #kylian mbappe fanfic #kylian mbappe story

[possessedramblings]

No upside down au but things aren't magically okay

TW! Parental abuse, neglect & abandonment, Racism (Billy Hargrove is a piece of shit) Alcoholism, bullying and sexual harassment

Things aren't just happy and great because the Upside Down doesn't exist, and I want to write about it, so this is my take and my AU.

Will, Jonathan and Joyce are still in poverty, on the brink of nothingness, and it doesn't help that Lonnie is a piece of shit, who still has occasional custody of the boys. Every other weekend, Joyce is alone in her little house, while the boys are with their father, because the three of them are too afraid to speak up.

Mike and Nancy don't get along, plain and simple. It's not because they're siblings and because "siblings fight" but because they're in a broken home. Karen is out some nights seeing her "lover" and Ted is just the worst. He yells at the kids, shames Nancy, belittles her to the point that she leaves Mike alone. He hates her because she can leave, which is why he begs for a bike, or to spend the night somewhere, anywhere but home.

Dustin is the kid of a single mother, who is overbearing on him. She's an anxious woman who fears Dustin's gonna get hurt. He gets bullied at school, and not just insulting words. He gets shoved, his d&d dice, books, hats, and other things get stolen, and sometimes he comes home with bruises from the older kids.

Lucas has it fine at home, but once he leaves it's no longer anything happy. He's afraid to spend time with his friends because of Billy and all of the other assholes. He constantly gets harassed because of his skin, the way he talks, the way he looks, and it gets even worse when he starts talking to Max. His parents worry that one day, he won't come home.

Max couldn't hate life more. She's always angry, and it's all her moms fault. Her mom decided that Neil Hargrove was a good man, but it led to a life of absolute fucking pain. Billy was angry with her, for what - she didn't know. Neil was a drunk, he'd drink and drink for hours, using bottles as weapons against everyone else in the house. She saw the same hatred in Mike Wheeler, which caused her to lash out at him, but she knew it wasn't his fault, it was their parents.

Jane's mom couldn't properly care for her, something about a neurological disease that would get worse as the years passed. So she was given up to a foster home. Poor Jane was young, ad could hardly speak, let alone know her own name, so the man, Brenner, didn't care to know names. Jane, now Eleven, didn't know how she got there, or why, but she grew up believing her mother hated her, until she ran away after the oldest kid there snapped.

Steve never knew what his parents were like. They were always away. They'd bring back snow globes from every state airport in the country, but that's all he knew about them. He started to act out so he could possibly get their attention. He stopped once he finally saw something he hadn't noticed before. Jonathan wasn't flinching when he hit. He was just as bad as any old abuser. He tried to turn himself around, he really did. He had to change, especially after seeing Dustin, Lucas and Mike being thrown around by Billy.

Robin knew she never had it easy. She grew up in the trailer parks after her mom and dad lost their jobs ad had to find somewhere else. Her parents jumped between jobs for a long time, and once Robin was old enough, they gave her an old hand me down bike and set her on her way. She knew life was even harder after she discovered her undeniable crush on Tammy Thompson. She would be a town pariah if anyone found out.

Nancy on the other hand, was a town pariah. Her home was the least of her problems. She was humiliated by a man, by several men. Steve Harrington and Tommy Hagan calling her a slut, her own father accusing her of being a whore, and her employers objectifying her at every chance they could get. Nancy felt just like an object for the pleasure of men, so she started learning to defend herself, wanting to be her own woman, but too afraid to deep down.

Jonathan always pushed back how he felt for his mom and brother. Joyce was a struggling woman, and Will was so young, he didn't want his brother to feel like the world was so cold and dark, so he took more hits for the both of them. He took hits from Steve and Tommy, he wanted to keep everyone else safe so he took hits.

Things aren't happy in Hawkins, but we can certainly pretend.

#im sorry #heavy angst #stranger things #will byers #mike wheeler #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #max mayfield #eleven hopper #jane hopper #steve harrington #robin buckley #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers

[0junemeatcleaver0]

Anonsense: A Deconstruction of a Bad Faith Argument

I honestly don't know why I'm even posting this. Will it be helpful for people who don't know how to immediately clock a bad faith argument? The people pleasers who might feel compelled to answer every anon no matter what? I hope so.

Do I have a bit of a bee in my bonnet after being woken up at 4am because I forgot to silence my phone only to see this bullshit after living through the most stressful week of my fucking life?? Also yes.

Whatever. At best this is a learning moment, at worst it's an opportunity to point and laugh at someone who thinks they deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for failing at being real pussy cunt-cunt in a stranger's inbox.

I am confused. You haven't watched the show but you hate the show...? Correct! You can, in fact, hate a thing you've only gotten a taste of. I saw the trailer (you know, the thing networks release to get you interested in a show?) and didn't care for what they were doing. That opinion was only cemented when I saw the ridiculous clip of Louis chasing a fucking goat around.

Something fans of colour especially black fans talk of so enthusiastically and fondly? You're right, VC fans of color are all a monolith and all enjoy the show. And the fact that I--a rando white person--hate the show is mortally wounding to them all. This is in no way infantalizing to fans of color, to imply that I somehow have enough power as some random person to ruin their good time by making posts about how silly I think this show is--posts I don't tag so that fans of the show don't have to see them.

And these fans aren't always show onlies. I know. I've talked to a few of them. They seem nice.

Idk if this ask is going to come off as bait Yes you do. You absolutely know that. And if you didn't know that, that was your clue to go back to the drawing board re: how to phrase what you meant in a good faith way.

-think of it as you will How kind of you. Thanks for the permission.

but this...you realize this comes off as some type of way, don't you? Only to the people who are actively looking to be upset, yes. And I don't care about those people. They are not of my concern.

You have had an ask that you published where the anon says they don't care that "certain demographics" of people are loving AMC. That's very very sus. 'Very very sus'. Am I suddenly on Twitter? Anyway. You do realize that book-only fans are constantly accused of belittling all show fans no matter what we say, right? That it's much more likely that anon said "certain demographics" meaning "the fraction loud, obnoxious fans who will accuse you of being immoral for not liking the show" and "people who never read the books and have nothing to compare it to" and not as some dogwhistle to mean "fans of the global majority", right? Also, my memory is shit. I may have used that phrase and if so, see the above reasoning for why I used it but also if I didn't: Why am I being held accountable for a random person's choice of wording?? I'm not anon's mom.

I don't particularly care if you answer or not. I'm sure. That's why you wrote an essay in my inbox. To not get a response.

If you block. I did. Fuck outta here.

I just had to put it there. Did you? What was the goal in this? Do you even know?

Maybe this is rude as per tumblr etiquettes. It's pretty rude regardless, but hey what do I know. I'm no Emily Post.

But this was just so odd as I am new to both the book and show fandom and while going through blogs I found yours So what I'm hearing is you're missing a lot of context for what's been going on around here and you've not realized that, is what I'm hearing. And you're either purposefully ignoring of didn't wait to find the many, many posts I've made detailing why I personally think the show is bad, why I think the white cishet frat bro turned wanna be auteur showrunner is doing a bad job of including characters of color in the text, the reblogs of fans of color who have brought up similar points, etc?

Stretch before you reach this hard, anon.

#talk hard #anonsense

[jewishgir]

going over that really notorious Klance fanfic Dirty Laundry on the podcast and I'm fucking tired of sitting on these thoughts for so long so here's a rundown because I am trying to sleep but can't because I'm thinking about this shit fic:

accusations of ableist and racist stereotypes aside (meaning EVEN IF we assume these accusations are false) this fic has some of the worst (sincere) writing I've ever seen. not hyperbole. not exaggeration.

any time someone brings up this fic they talk about how the author was cruelly harassed into deleting it, but upon digging the "meanest" thing I could find was a message from a Latine person addressed to the author which, albeit heated, did not insult the author in any way beyond saying "you fucking white people" and simply pointed out their problems with the fic requesting they delete it for being racist.

the only time anyone speaks Spanish is when they are angry or emotional, and half the time it's grammatically incorrect google translate Spanish

it's just The Secret Life of Bees but with Klance

the word "obviously" is used in every other paragraph

basic timeline and setting mistakes ie Keith and Lance have known each other since high school; Lance went to Grossling High in Arizona yet Keith has never been to Arizona and also met Lance at college in Oregon

the author clearly has no idea how old the characters are supposed to be. the 70 year old woman is described as "old and withered," and the 2 year old can't walk and needs to be spoonfed.

at several instances the Mexican characters are referred to as "Spanish"

setting changes from chapter to chapter. they're in the middle of the Arizona desert yet they apparently live on farmland that has "rolling yellow fields" and livestock breeding and large, dense deciduous forests along the highway - forests that also have lakes in the middle of them - lakes that have currents like rivers, and are also cold enough to give you hypothermia in t-shirt weather

other basic writing mistakes, like Keith noticing Lance's kidney scar the first time he sees him shirtless, yet failing to notice any scar on his donee despite him being introduced with no shirt on

the author mixes up Lance and Keith's names frequently

often the characters will act completely differently than they are described. Abuela had a pretty characterful introduction sequence and then we're given a description of her that contradicts what we've just read

we are constantly told what a good mother Rosa is despite her not standing up to her homophobic husband when he slights their bisexual son for being bisexual, doesn't stand to defend Keith from Abuela's homophobia until Keith runs out and steald a car, gets angry when her long-lost daughter returns home, and acts cold towards her six-year-old granddaughter, both of whom she did not know were alive or dead up until that point... I could go on

Keith apparently was born in Korea but somehow ended up in the US foster care system as a baby. there are certainly scenarios that could lead to this happening, but we're never given an explanation. idk maybe the author didn't realize Korea also has foster care systems.

characters are introduced and given backstories then promptly discarded when they are done serving the Klance relationship; ie Benji's cancer survivor backstory doesn't actually matter and is only there to give Keith an excuse to touch Lance's skin. after this, he barely shows up.

Sophia. like the entire fucking thing with Sophia. I am actually too angry to properly articulate my thoughts on this but basically she's treated as a pariah for getting pregnant at 17 and getting kicked out of the house by her father; we are meant to think this is justified. the only one who sympathizes with her is Abuela, who is a homophobe who we're supposed to disagree with.

the autistic character is referenced as autistic briefly only in order to add to the struggles Sophia faced as a young mother. otherwise, Alexi does not matter at all to the story. after her introductary scenes, she disappears from the story altogether.

the writing just sucks in general. we are told stuff instead of being able to draw conclusions on our own, even the most obvious things, the similes and metaphors are terrible

speaking of which, the perspective is never consistent. it various omniscient to third person limited from Keith's perspective to Lance's, yet while we think we are in one perspective we get things that only the other's perspective could know definitively, but if it's supposed to be omniscient, we get opinions that HAVE to be from one character's perspective... it's a constant problem

so so so so so so much more wow this fic is bad

#shiv.txt #voltron #dirty laundry

[mlmxreader]

Hurt | Detective Loki x m!reader

areyouwaiting asked: another one because why not

Det. Loki x male reader

"For fuck’s sake, I love you!" as a friends to lovers type of thing?

Danke mein Freund 😌

summary: Loki doesn't take very kindly to it when you meet up with an ex who didn't exactly treat you right.

tws: swearing, horror films

It was like a scorpion had found its way into his chest and had struck him right in the heart. The bite of a venomous snake that would strike every time he thought about it. You, hanging out with an ex who had caused you so much damage and who had hurt you so badly, all because they had told you that they still cared, that they wanted to be friends again. Loki couldn't fucking cope, when he saw that picture on his phone, plastered on social media, he was fucking pissed; as soon as his shift was over, he had marched over to your place, and had found you on the sofa, watching a horror film that had been banned in several countries due to the graphic nature of its content, a horror film so grotesque and so vile that the director had been pulled into court on allegations that he had actually killed members of his cast, he knew it was a good sign, and a little relief flooded through his veins.

He knew that if you were in a particularly bad mood, you would have been in bed watching it and snuggled into the duvet. He knew that if you were in a particularly good mood, you liked to sit on the sofa as you watched it. At least you weren't in a bad mood, he thought. At least there was that, and as he sat down beside you, he was pleasantly surprised that you leaned into him so keenly, grumbling softly as you pressed the side of your face against his arm and shifted around so that you weren't awkwardly bent over.

Loki found himself relaxing a little, his eyes slowly shutting as he let out a little yawn and stretched his legs out, crossing them at the ankle as he let you hold his hand tightly; he wanted to ask, he wanted to ask what had happened, what they had said and what you had said. He wanted to interrogate you, but when he realised that that's what he wanted, he shook his head, and cleared his throat. "You okay?"

"Yeah," you nodded, smiling. "I don't know why I bothered, but hey, at least I got a free meal of it so it's not all that bad, really."

That wasn't what Loki was expecting in the slightest, his jaw clenching as he got a little more tense, brows furrowed as he frowned and uncrossed his ankles, shifting a little so that he was sat upright. "What do you mean you don't know why you bothered?"

"It's just..." you shrugged. "I mean, yeah, I wasn't a perfect boyfriend - but they kept saying the same fucking accusations."

"Which are?"

"That me and you are somehow a thing," you scoffed, but something in your voice told him that you weren't joking. "I mean, yeah, alright... you're hot, and you mean a lot to me, and sometimes I do wish I was your boyfriend... but we're not a thing, are we?"

He fell silent. Sure, he had wished time and time again that you were his, his boyfriend, his partner, he wished it would happen more times than he could or wanted to count, but he knew that it wouldn't work; Loki had hardly enough time to spend with you as it was, thanks to work constantly on his back about everything and anything, and he didn't want you to feel as if you were being neglected because of him. He didn't want to make you feel that way. Never. Not you. Loki could fucking abandon and neglect everyone else in his life, but not you. Not the best friend who he had come to realise that he had other feelings for.

He swallowed thickly. You called him hot. You found him attractive. He scratched the side of his nose. You said he meant a lot to you. You wished you were his boyfriend. You wanted to be his as much as he wanted to be yours. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad, maybe he wouldn't neglect and abandon you as much as he feared he would, maybe he wasn't going to hurt you and maybe he wasn't going to make you upset. Maybe things would be okay in the end after all. Maybe.

"Do you mean that?"

"Yeah," you breathed out. "Loki, for fuck's sake, I love you! You're my best friend, and I... I love you as my best friend, and always will, but I also love you... the other way. And I'd wanna give it a go."

"What if I hurt you?" He asked. "You know I don't have a lot of time to spare as it is."

"Then hurt me," you told him. "Hurt me as badly as you can. I'm a big boy, I can take it."

"It could ruin our friendship."

You moved to sit upright, glaring at him as you huffed and shook your head, daring to laugh softly. "Loki... nothing could ruin that - unless you tell me you suddenly hate Train to Busan, in which case, I'm not only disowning and abandoning you, I'm also gonna bully you."

Loki couldn't stop the laugh that escaped him at that, shaking his head fondly. "I love that film."

"So..." you cleared your throat. "Your day off is tomorrow - wanna go to the café for a date?"

"I'd rather stay here," Loki explained, "and I'd rather watch Train to Busan with you."

if you liked this fic, REBLOG IT - you SHOULD reblog it; spam likers WILL be blocked. as will blogs that refuse to reblog or to give feedback. if you don't wanna reblog, then you'll get blocked; reblogging is the BARE MINIMUM. don't just "like", REBLOG

#mlem writes #detective loki #detective loki oneshot #detective loki imagine #detective loki x reader #detective loki x you #prisoners film #prisoners movie #prisoners imagine #prisoners 2013 #jake gyllenhaal #jake gyllenhaal imagine #jake gyllenhaal x reader #jake gyllenhaal x you

[haughty-ojousama]

I'm honestly rlly fucking glad I wasn;t born a girl, my parents were already shitty enough to me as a wee lad that I wanted to kill myself before I was like even 5 cuz I felt I was such a burden and disappointment to everyone, and they got better, but they still treat my kid sister like shit.

my dad fucking whines about my sister being 'needy' and always saying good night and I love you multiple times in a row and he worries she'll be easy to abuse as an adult, and like, yeah, I do get that, but you pile on nothing but criticism on the poor girl, even on honest mistakes. my sister fucking gets sick if she doesn't immediately fess up even misdemeanors and my parents fucking DARE accuse her of lying, fuck hell, she's 10, she calls you to confess she looked at a computer to tell time or some shit, but ohhh, she's a liar an exaggerator, fucking die!

criticize her for eating sweets, constantly fatshame her, she's not even fucking plump goddammit, criticize her every move, lecture her forever cuz she accidentally broke something that was in constant use, just fuck....

and my dad goes on abt childhood innocence being important, as if she's not almost a teen, as if innocence wasn't invented by victorian men to rape their daughters easier, fucking hell....

I tell my sister abt mental disorders, and he fucking calls me out for not talking abt 'agency' I gave simple definitions and causes of things to a 10 yo when explaining why I got into psychology, what the fuck do you mean agency, when the fuck was I supposed to talk abt that?

was it when I was describing how narcissists and ASPDs and borderlines were influenced by childhood trauma? was I supposed to assign agency to a child abused by their guardians? I mean, he didn;t mean it that way, but like, if anyone does, y'know, uh.... FUCKING KILL YOURSELF YOU SUBHUMAN SACK OF SHIT

I SWEAR TO GOD WE ASSIGN AGENCY TO ABUSED CHILDREN FOR BEING ABUSED ALREADY WE JUST DON'T SAY IT OUTRIGHT CUZ EVERYONE FUCKING KNOWS THAT'S A MONSTEROUS THING TO SAY SO WE DISGUISE IT SO WE CAN SCAPEGOAT THE INEVITABLE IMPERFECT VICTIMS AND I HATE IT AND I WANT EVERYONE WHO PERPETUATES THIS SHIT, EVERYONE WHO BLAMES KIDS FOR THEIR OWN ABUSE, TO CARVE OUT THEIR OWN FUCKING GUTS fuck you fuck you fuck all of you

the other thing, which he likely meant, was assigning agency to cluster Bs for their actions, but no one means that. I explain ASPD leaves you with lower empathy and impulse control, and I'm told I didn't assign 'agency', go fuck yourself mister, when you say agency, you mean 'subhumanize these people'

like obviously cluster Bs can abuse and be dipshits and unpleasant, so can normal people, cluster Bs can also do good things and be caring and helpful and benign, but I guess if we don't have a class of battleroid evil mooks to assign all societal evil to because GOD FORBID we introspect upon our own capacity for evil

also diagnosis is strictly a tool to help people work around their issues, if I see you hoes using it to pathologize dicks to avoid introspecting upon your own evil, I'll.... well I don't have the energy to suibait you bitches, but like, imagine me handing you a loaded gun and telling you to kill yourself

AND THEN FUCKING DO IT BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU ARE AN ACTUAL FUCKING DANGER IN AGGREGATE TO EVERYONE ELSE

but then if that was followed, most ppl would prolly kill themselves, and that's not that good ig

anyways, to cap this off, while this is a vent and ramble, I should note, my parents are better than most and actively trying to be better, and that they learned their bullshit from worse superstructures

[ilikeyoshi]

sorry i'm having a bad day anyway so now you get to watch me get pissed off about the infinitely less important thing because it's easier to talk about: i fucking HATE shit like that last post. i don't care. nobody cares. and if you DO care i am, as sincerely and genuinely as i can, asking you to get the fuck over yourself. this stupid social media attitude of "you didn't reblog it from me :(" "you missed my post i tagged you in do you hate me :(" made my anxiety a million times worse for YEARS and it's still one of the lingering problem areas. i HAVE to catch up with my dashboard every day because i used to have friends who ACTUALLY SENT ME MESSAGES ASKING IF I HATED THEM because i didn't see a post they tagged me in.

this is like. as unhinged as "you didn't laugh at the joke i made on the other side of a crowded room, do you hate me?" if this is a thing your anxiety does to you i am BEGGING YOU to fight it and recover from it. this is deranged fucking behavior. this is exactly how you fulfill the "everyone always leaves" anxiety prophecy—it's not because people hated your post, it's because people hated how you're always accusing them of hating YOU.

and i know, i KNOW how hard it is when anxiety is telling you everything that ever happens is proof that you're unlovable, but sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, as someone who was PSYCHOLOGICALLY HARMED by too many people giving in to their sickness and treating me like the worst person on the planet because of it, you NEED to get the fuck over it. you NEED to work on this and get help, or you WILL keep losing friends. NOT BECAUSE THEY DON'T LOVE YOU. but because when you let anxiety make you constantly ask people if they secretly or unspokenly hate you, what you're DOING is TELLING THEM you think nothing they ACTUALLY SAY OR DO for you is real, and that you believe it's ALL FAKE and they HATE YOU. it DOES NOT MATTER if you don't mean it this way, that's WHAT YOU'RE DOING. and nothing hurts more than giving your heart to a friend just to be told your words and actions will NEVER be enough, they'll ALWAYS assume you secretly want to hate them and ruin their life. THIS is what drives people away. you NEED to fight the urge to succumb to this. you NEED to heal this.

look. i have debilitating anxiety too, and it used to be this bad. i know where you're at. you're sick. it's not your FAULT you're sick. but that DOES NOT MEAN we can just GIVE UP and let our sickness run rampant and control our lives. you will hurt people you love this way. being sick means accepting it's not your fault and accepting that you have to fight through it and try to heal anyway. we can't just let it ruin our lives or expect others to 100% forgive everything we do because of it, because the thing is, our sickness HURTS OTHERS TOO. it makes US hurt them, and then tells us IT didn't make us hurt them, but THEY hurt US. most people cannot handle "your symptoms make you believe i am the bad guy" forever, particularly when you're leaning INTO those symptoms instead of fighting against them. they will leave. and it will NOT be for the reasons anxiety told you it was.

and listen, despite all this, despite this cruel and vicious cycle, you DESERVE FRIENDS. you DESERVE to feel safe in your relationships. but there is not a human person on this planet who can just GIVE that to you. when anxiety is corrupting your own mind this badly, the way out is to FIGHT IT. you have to HEAL, so that anxiety can't keep RUINING YOUR LIFE. you are not unlovable. most of those people who left you STILL LOVE YOU. but you cannot ask someone to love you while constantly telling them you don't believe them forever. they will leave to protect THEMSELVES. they will leave because you've let your anxiety hurt them too.

i still cannot fucking handle missing posts. i cannot handle being friends with people who TELL ME i missed their post. i'm trying to heal from this too, but i need you to understand that this is why i would've left. you let your anxiety hurt others long enough, and they get sick too. we have to fight for ourselves and each other. we deserve love and safety, and anxiety seeks to deny us that. it will, if we don't fight for it.

#yoshi talks

[aceontheline]

Songfic: Are We Even Happy?

Part 2 of this fic

Songs used: "Are You Satisfied?" ~ Marina and the Diamonds "Almost Everything" ~ Wakey!Wakey!

After quite some time passed with the two dating, Mass and York were getting rather comfortable with displaying their affection in a more outward manner. Mass would hug York constantly and kiss him even more so. York enjoyed the more fuzzy and romantic aspects to the relationship, but after a while... He could tell that there were some cracks forming in their relationship.

York had to text Mass often. If he didn't, Mass would bring it up later, asking if he was "Good enough" to talk to or not. This meant more than enough reassurance from York, basically telling him that he was his beloved. York also had to cut off certain people unless Mass approved of them. So, he couldn't hang out with friends that he had made previously unless Mass approved of them. And his approval list was rather small.

York hated all of this and reassured Mass that he should be allowed to be friends with anyone he wishes, as should Mass himself. Mass seemed rather angered by this conclusion. Mass clearly wanted York to hang out with those that he considered worthy of his approval, or just worthy of spending time with, period. Him and York fought frequently over this but it recently had come to a head one night once York hung out with a friend of his that he hadn't seen in a while: California.

Mass didn't like California because of how pretentious he came off as and how hard he tried to be "Liberal". York rolls his eyes.

"Mass, you hardly like ANYONE. What IS your standard, your Highness?" York asked angrily

"I don't know! I just know they're higher than yours 'cuz you'll just hang with anyone now, won't you?" Mass accused.

York sighed heavily, insisting that Mass' high standards were exactly the problem. York proclaimed that he would consider his life more than just "average", as he had good friends and a good outlook on life. Him and Mass kept fighting about it... Until York ran off.

----------------------TimeSkip: 3 Weeks Later-------------------------

York and Mass were taking a longer than normal break from each other, but this was long overdue. York had even noticed that without Mass around, he felt a little better about himself. He had been dating Mass for so long that being seen without him was a bit foreign to the other states. York's eyes had been wandering a lot as of late and Mass took notice of this. Of course, he wasn't happy about it but tried to articulate his thoughts a bit more clearly, asking York to meet him up again.

York reluctantly agreed to meet up with Mass later one evening. Mass angrily explains that he doesn't like that York has been straying further and further away so easily. It showed Mass that he didn't care about him. York couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Mass, I'm backing away for a few reasons, really. For one, your standards for me are set WAY too high-"

"Are you satisfied with an average life? Do I need to lie to make my way in life? Are you satisfied with an easy ride? Once you cross the line, will you be satisfied?"

"You're also overly controlling of me. I can't keep up with your rules and-"

"My problem, it's my problem That I never am happy It's my problem, it's my problem On how fast I will succeed"

"Mass, what the fuck does that even imply?" York asked in a snappy tone.

"You think you have it so hard? When I was younger, my folks would literally do anything and everything for me to be their perfect little trophy child. You're taking the easy way out and straying from me so that you can move on without any sort of actual repercussions!" Mass yelled.

This just solidified things in York's mind. He ran away rather upset at the conversation. York couldn't deal with Mass' crap anymore. He needed to be further away from him now more than ever. Later that night, York explained that the two were on an official "Break". No talking to each other for another 3 weeks or so.

--------------------TimeSkip: Another 3 Weeks------------------------

York seemed a lot better now. Way more confident and he was actually allowed to hang out with old friends again. Him and California had been chatting it up a bit, with York clarifying that him and Mass were currently on a break, and how volatile things had gotten between the two. Cali wished him luck further on. Just after that text, one from Mass. "Can we talk?" it said. York twiddled his thumbs, contemplating what to say. York typed out, "Sure"

Mass came to York's room, looking rather defeated. York had even confessed something... He was faking being happy while they were separated. York just wanted Mass to open his eyes and see that he wanted something like him and Cali could have. Romantic, sweet... Like what they had before. Mass sighed and shook his head.

"Said sit down with me before you go That's the wrong thing, I know But I don't know when I will see you again And it gets so lonely"

"... Yorkie, I'm sorry. I know we wanted this to work. Believe me, I was all for doing this separation to try and mend things-"

"Then why are you leaving me?" York asked, tears in his eyes.

"Because I can't guarantee I won't hurt you like that again. And I want you to be happy. Even if it means us not being together anymore" Mass replied, tears in his eyes as well.

"See it feels bad now, but it's gonna get better someday" "See, it feels bad now, but... It's gonna get better someday"

New York repeated that in his head to himself each day until he believed it. And eventually, things really did get better. York was single and free, making himself feel better. Mass was too now, but that didn't mean that the both of them wouldn't look at the good parts of their relationship with fondness. However, they both knew they were idolizing something that was no longer there.

#wttt #welcome to the table #wttt new york #wttt massachusetts #wttt shipping #angst

[muchadoaboutstartrek]

La'an hated the gorn with passion. She hated everything they presented as a species, the deeply rooted need to be dominant and survive at the expense of others. The true parasites of the universe. The evil they possessed that seemed just as part of them as their slimy green skin. Like it was written in their genetic code.

But as much as she hated the gorn, she sometimes hated Sam Kirk twice as much.

The man served little to no purpose on the Enterprise, constantly getting into trouble and disobeying orders. Or in this case, throwing a fucking tantrum like a three year old who didn't get what he wanted for Christmas.

Yes, he was afraid and Yes, that was natural and no, she didn't resent him that. She did, however resent his childish need to express his emotional turbulence by yelling at Spock of all people for not feeling anything. At least Spock had decency not to curl in a ball and cry in front of his superior officers. Jackass.

The gorn were simple. They hatch, they kill each other and they kill other people too as a means to their survival. Sam Kirk was an idiot. The type of person that will get you killed because he acted stupid.

La'an couldn't stand for that.

And Yes, perhaps she was being slightly biased in her defense of Spock, at least she got the impression others would feel slightly resentful if they knew she was sleeping with him. After all, emotions of any kind were often the cause of conflicts but in her defense, she couldn't just stand there and listen to the emotional, tantrum throwing man child insult his superior officer.

And so, when Sam made a cardinal mistake of accusing Spock of acting like a computer, she snapped.

"Hey! Back away from him!" The sickbay was stunned into silence. Even Kirk recoiled several steps away from Spock. All eyes were on her and she could see Pike shuffling on his feet in her peripheral vision. Evidently he was just about to jump in too.

And then Kirk laughed. Bitterly so. "Wow. That's rich." La'an narrowed her eyes at him but it server no purpose. "Aren't you being a bit unfair? I mean..." he looked her up and down and then his gaze slid back to Spock who now stood behind her. "Considering you are fucking him..."

There was a loud gasp somewhere to her right as a flash of white hair caught her eye and La'an balled her hands into fists while taking a threatening step towards Kirk who suddenly seemed to have grown the balls the size of Mt. Everest.

"You want to repeat that Kirk?" Her voice was a s cold as a snow storm on Valeo Beta V, tone sharp enough to cut diamonds.

"I said that you are defending him simply because you are doing him." He was smirking at her, cocky bastard, as if she couldn't have him written up for insubordination and make him loose his entire career.

"Why" she began slowly, taking a deep breath in order to calm down. They were in a complex situation they could use every set of hands available, and Kirk just might serve as a good bait. "Do you care?"

He leaned in close to her, his breath washing over her face. She suddenly had an urge to rip his mustache off. "Because he deserves it and you know it."

"As the matter of fact, I don't know it." She took another step towards him, Kirk leaning away once he caught the wild look in her eyes. "So please," she began, sickeningly sweet, "enlighten me."

Sam looked her up and down and snorted as he looked away. "Right. You could have just said he's great in bed."

That ought to do it. La'an saw red, not even thinking of consequences she charged at Kirk, ready to tear him apart but a pair of strong and fammiliar hands wrapping around her middle stopped her form ripping him to shreds. She trashed in Spock's arms, almost inhuman sounds coming out of her mouth as she growled at Kirk, her eyes trained on him like a predator observing it's pray before pouncing, which was exactly what she was going to do if Spock hadn't stopped her. Torso clad in black obscured her vision and she felt herself being walked backwards until she was pressed into a wall, Spock's hands gripping her wrists.

He grunted in pain as her fist made contact with his stomach but doubled his efforts at keeping her contained. She breathed heavily as her vision finally cleared and she looked over Spock's shoulder to Pike has stepped betwen them. It was obvious he was frustrated as well, his eyes shooting Kirk a glare and if La'an got out of this alive she'd make sure Kirk would face consequences for his actions.

She ran her eyes over the room, noticing the shocked looks thrown her way, but the most devastated one was on Chapel's face and for a fraction of a second La'an felt guilty but it was quickly squashed down. Now was not the time for sympathy. She went lax in Spock's arms, her forehead slumping on his chest. "I'm okay." She said, her voice firm and leaving no place for arguments. "You can let me go now."

Spock stated down at her, judging how honest she was and she sent him a glare that told him there would be consequences if he didn't do as she said. He stepped away from her reluctantly, fingers twitching at his side and his body tensing in a way she concluded was meant to catch her if she did something like that again.

"Is uh, everybody calm now?" Pike asked with a note of apprehension in his voice. But La'an simply nodded and gestured for Pike to take the lead even though her eyes remained on Kirk stubbornly. "Okay then. Now before I say anything else, allow me to just point out we are not going to accomplish anything if we start picking at each other. We need to be a team, now more than ever." He ran his eyes over the room and nodded in satisfaction when everyone seemed to snap back at attention. "Lt. Noonien-Singh, what can you tell us about the gorn."

La'an stepped forward, reaching for a pannel at the wall and bringing up climate control. "They can never back away from the challenge and they also hate the cold. Using climate control we can lure them exactly where we want them. They also tend to pick fights with each other and destroy the weaker. We can use that to our advantage."

"Now That, sounds like a plan. You are in charge lieutenant. Tell us what we need to do."

••••••••

La'an watched as Spock rushed out of Hemmer's memorial service, his fists clenched at his sides. She could feel his turmoil in her own head through the common link and she knew he was suffering. She locked eyes with Chapel who looked after him worryingly and the conversation they've had on the ship flashed behind her eyes.

La'an was busy picking apart vents as Chapel kept guard. She could feel the nurse's eyes on her and she knew Chapel was burning of curiosity.

"Hey... are you okay?" La'an looked at her and nodded while unscrewing a hatch.

"Trust me, there is nothing I'd rather be doing than fighting back againsy the gorn."

Chapel nodded, her fingers bristling with the controls on the phaser gun, La'an assumed it was one of her nervous ticks. La'an smirked. She estimated there won't be long now before her curiosity got better of her. "Can I ask you something." And boy, was she right. She patted herself on the back mentally as she resumed with her task without looking at the blonde woman.

"You're wondering if what Kirk said was true?"

Christine nodded. "I do."

"Before I answer that let me ask you: do you have feelings for Spock?" She yanked at the hatch a bit harder when she asked her that, even the thought of it making her slightly nauseous.

"I don't see how that would matter if the answer is yes."

La'an chuckled at Chapel's defensive tone. She has obviously struck a nerve. But making an enemy out of the nurse wasn't something La'an was aiming for so she took a step back. If she was being honest, she actually liked Chapel. "Yes. It's true."

"You don't have to worry about me. I'm not about to try and snatch Spock away from you."

La'an laughed,  joyful bark escaping her as she put a hand over her mouth to muffle it. "Bold of you to assume you could." At Chapel's offended look she continued. "Don't get me wrong, you're just not his type." She tapped her forehead as a clarification when Chapel gave her a confused look and she saw a look of understanding cross her face.

"I like you. You're way more fun than they give you credit." The nurse smiled at her, it was one of the honest smiles and it made La'an melt slightly.

Flash forward to this moment, La'an took a deep breath and gestured to Chapel with her head to follow Spock. She knew what Spock needed at the moment and her slightly standoffish attitude wasn't that. She watched as nurse disappeared out the door just as a sound of metal being bent reached her ears and boiling anger washed over her. She shuddered and tried to send Spock some of the more calming thoughts as she divided her energy between staying present at the memorial and being there for Spock as well.

It wasn't long before she felt the raging turmoil in him subside and she exhaled a sigh of relief as people started leaving. She caught the sight of another science blue shirt and rushed out the door to reach Kirk.

"Mr. Kirk." Her voice cut through the silence of the corridor as he stopped dead in his tracks, his shoulders tensing.

"I assume you wish to write me up Lt." He sounded resigned, no trace of anger present.

La'an sighed and allowed some sterness to leave her voice. "No. I won't do that." She saw a flash of surprise as he turned to look at her. "It was a high stress situation and I assume you'll learn from your, let's not lie to each other, stupid mistake."

He nodded all too eagerly. "I- thank you Lt."

"Oh don't thank me." She chuckled. "If it were up to me you'd be flying off this ship faster than you could say 'computer', circumstances be damned." She saw him swallow a lump and she smirked. Serves him right. "You have Lt. Spock to thank for that."

She turned on her heel and started to walk away but not before tossing one last thing over her shoulder at the stunned Lieutenant. "I expect to hear you apologized to Spock Mr. Kirk. Otherwise I will find you and we will be having an entirely different conversation."

#la'an x spock #spock #star trek strange new worlds #la'an noonien singh #star trek: strange new worlds #spock x la'an #star trek #st snw #my fic

[anxietysslave]

Trauma (Ethan Winters X Male!Reader)

No one requested this, but I had this idea. I also know there are hardly any male readers x Ethan, so I'm going to make this one specific for males. If you guys would like me to add a female version, or non-binary version, feel free to let me know!

I'm sorry I haven't been posting much on here either... I've been writing on wattpad as I haven't had many ideas for Tumblr. But here you go!

Warning: This contains mentions of past abuse, and some arguments. If you do NOT feel comfortable with any of that, then please do not read this. Thank you.

Description: Y/N and Ethan were arguing about how Y/N was not being careful enough.

Bit of information; This takes place after RE8. Ethan is not dead, Mia and him are divorced, and Ethan has some overprotective issues as he's worried that it will happen again.

Y/N means reader, E/X means ex's name, they/them will be used for your ex, B/N means best friend's name

Y/N's point of view:

"I-I'm sorry, okay!? I didn't know my text didn't go through!" I apologized. "WHAT IF YOU WERE KIDNAPPED, HUH!? HOW WOULD I BE ABLE TO SAVE YOU FROM THAT!?" Ethan snapped. I winced slightly. "I CAN'T SAVE YOU FROM EVERYTHING, Y/N! IF ANYTHING WOULD'VE HAPPENED TO YOU, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I'D DO! SO YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND AND NOT TELL ME WHERE THE FUCK YOU'RE GOING!" He shouted.

I sat down on the couch while his back was facing me. "YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED ME BEFORE YOU HEADED TO B/N'S HOUSE! THEY COULD'VE WAITED A DAMN MINUTE!" He exclaimed. "OR DO YOU WANT TO END UP DEAD!?" He questioned.

I felt my body shiver at the mention of death. "N-No..." I stuttered. "THEN FUCKING LISTEN TO ME! BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T, YOU COULD END UP SERIOUSLY INJURED! AND GUESS WHAT!? NO ONE WOULD HELP YOU! NO ONE KNEW WHERE YOU WERE! IS THAT REALLY HOW YOU WANT TO GO!? KNOWING THAT NO ONE CARES THAT YOU'RE GONE? NO ONE BATS AN EYE THAT YOUR PRECENSE ISN'T AROUND!? BECAUSE IF YOU KEEP PLAYING AROUND LIKE THIS NO ONE'S GOING TO GIVE A SHIT IF YOU END UP MISSING OR DEAD!" He screamed.

I jumped in surprise, and he rushed over to me. "I'm getting so fucking tired of you not telling me where you are!" He exclaimed as he stopped in front of me. "Do you just find it fun to make me worried!? Do you like to see me have a fucking panic attack because I have no clue where you've been!?" He exclaimed. "N-No! Of co-course not!" I stuttered. He huffed in frustration and rose his hand up.

I flinched as I expected him to hit me.

Ethan's point of view:

I froze up as I watched him flinch away from me. He was shaking like a leaf and looked scared as can be. "Baby..." I spoke gently. He slowly peered his eyes at me. "You thought I was going to hit you...?" I whispered. "I-I..." He stuttered.

I wrapped my arms around him and brought him to my chest. "I'd never ever lay my hands on you. I don't mean to ever scare you, darling... I'm just.... I'm just scared. You're one of the few good things I have in life, and I don't want to lose you." I whispered. "N-No, it's not you, Ethan... I..." He started. "I was in a relationship before..." He admitted. "And... It was nothing like this relationship..." He whispered.

I gently stroked his hair, which caused him to lean into my touch. "You don't have to explain it if you don't want to." I whispered. "N-No, I think it is time..." He disagreed.

I broke apart from him and sat down on the couch next to him. I then brought him back in my embrace. "I... I started dating this person a while back. Their name was E/X, and they were one of the kindest people I knew. We started dating when they asked me out, a-and... Thing's just took a bad turn from there." He whispered.

"Every day was filled with them accusing me of cheating on them with people I never even knew, and they were constantly stalking me. I-I just thought it was because they loved me, and wanted me to be safe..." He stuttered. "And then things turned... Turned violent. They were violent towards me, always... A-Always causing injuries to me, or making me feel worthless... An-and I was scared to leave them. I was scared they'd end up killing me..." His voice cracked as he spoke.

"B-But, B/N got me out of it. Hence why I spend so much time... I owe it to them, because god only knows what... What could've happened to me if they didn't get me out of there.." He whispered. I held him tighter and started rubbing small circles into his back.

"I never knew that... I'm so sorry you ever had to go through anything like that... I-I... I never meant to ever scare you, or make you think I'd lay a finger on you. You're everything to me, so no matter what arguments we may get into, I'm never going to hurt you. That ex of yours sounded like a complete piece of shit. If he put his hands on you, and made you feel horrible, then he didn't deserve you. You're so fucking perfect. So handsome, so kind, and so loving. You've never ever been a failure to me or anyone else. So for him to think that, means he's jealous because he feels bad about himself." I whispered.

"I promise that from now on, I won't ever get on you like I did tonight. I never want to see you coware in fear because of me.." I whispered. "N-No, it's really not your fault. You never knew..." He whispered as he lifted his head up to look at me. I cupped his cheek in my hand and started stroking his cheek.

"If you don't mind me asking, what ever happened to that douche?" I questioned. "I-I put a restraining order on him. They did stalk me for the first part of it, but ended up gettng jail time for it. And ever since then, they have left me alone." Y/N explained. "Good. If they know what's best for them, they won't ever mess with you again. Because baby, I'm not going to let them ever touch you again." I whispered. He chuckled sadly. "Thank you.." he spoke gently. "I love you so fuckng much..." I whispered. "I love you too, Ethan." He responded.

(Thank you for reading! This was more of a filler kinda thing and was kinda rushed- But I hope it's good!)

#male reader #ethan winters #re8 #re7 #ethan winters x male reader #ethan winters x reader #why am i like this

[whatsgnat]

Icehome book 3 thoughts(part 3):

Willa continues to be the most selfish character I've ever read and never even asks if Pashov is ok????

She cries and is upset about hurting him when she can be the victim but now that she has what she wants she gives no shits.

I hate how little remorse she has.

"I deserve the reprimand I suppose..."

Oh FUCK YOU Willa!

I wish Stacy was there to whap her with her "frying pan" and give her a piece of her mind because Sadly Pashov is far too sweet to do so when they see him again.(Also once again thank you Hassen for not holding back from checking her on her BS).

Well you know what, Willa!? Not everything is about YOU. GOD. It's nonstop with her. Always "me.me.me"

And you know I get it to an extent. Willa has been through some trauma and sometimes her responses are definetly a reflection of that BUT trauma is never an excuse to behave toxically and the sabotage the people around you. And Willa is constantly pushing her shit onto those around her!

When everyone's getting along: Willa has to bring up why they shouldn't and try to ruin it.

When everyone's being selfless and giving: Willa has to let Gren know how it's fake and can't be trusted.

When Gren is happy and growing as a person: Willa has to turn it and make it about her and her fears and how she just can't handle it if they betray her. Causing Gren to drop everything, want to give up his happiness, and possibly put their health at risk to appease her irrational anger. This is pretty toxic.

GREN IS THE ONLY REDEEMING PART OF THIS BOOK.

He tells her multiple times they were in the right to tie him up because he was going to kill them all and it's still not enough for her.

They are still horrific and evil and she's on the moral high ground always. Because this fictional narrative she's created can't be wrong right?!

Willa is always right!(sarcasm) Willa is absolutely the only one with any morals on this beach because she would've let him murder multiple people while calmly explaining the situation in a language he didn't understand🙄

Oh Bless your heart Willa- Kick fucking rocks.

Idiotic, selfish, bitch, irrational, self righteous- Ugh!

Oh and don't worry! Willa is like every toxic person you've encountered! I finished the book and she never once genuinely apologizes to anyone in the tribe. Not to Pashov(seriosuly!?), not to Hassen, not to Veronica, not to Mardok, not to Lauren or Marisol. Nope. She never feels bad about anything she does for more than a millisecond and is constantly shooting bitter accusations at everyone and attempting to make them feel shame for doing what was right in the moment to protect everyone. BUT trust me she is more than happy to take their hospitality and clothes and kindness, just to then throw it all back in their faces and still be prejudiced.

It's almost like she can't let people be happy. She constantly brings up what happened even though everyone's moved on and the Sa-Khui even apologized!!!

GREN the one who was the "victim" isn't even mad or holding it against them but Willa can't let it go and just has to try and make everyone uncomfortable and miserable!!!! Because it makes her feel better I guess!?

It's not cute. It's fucking TOXIC.

Gren deserves better.

But yup this was my least favorite book of all 24 ish Not -Hoth universe book I've read and it's all because Willa is absolutely unbearable and ungrateful and a complete selfish cunt. She's irrational and toxic and Gren is wonderful.

2 stars for Gren. That's the book rating. Willa can sit in a corner and brood for all I care.

Parts Below

《Part 1》:

《Part 2》:

《Part 3》: This Part

#ice planet barbarians #ruby dixon #icehome #ice planet barbarian #icehome series #icehome books #icehome willa #icehome willa's beast #willa gren #willa's beast #gren willa #gren is great #ice planet barbarians icehome #justice for pashov please

[saveadancejustforyou]

Over the last week or so, there's been some disagreements between Ezra and I, in which I've been accused of being aggressive and toxic, simply for defending myself against the energy that ezra gives out to me constantly, I've been called out for labelling Ezra as a hypocrite and being manipulative towards me and the way in which they think I should run my blog, as if they hold any authority over my blog and the content on it.

There has been constant faux concern for my mental health from Ezra which was essentially just thinly veiled anger at me shit talking harry and his girlfriend for the situation they created themselves, which was labelled as "trying to help" and "advice" but at the end of the day it's clear as day that ezra is essentially just thriving on their victim complex and found a way to drag me into it and openly patronise me and then back up when I react accordingly, they openly admitted to not liking the way I was talking about harry as opposed to my mental health stability.

I tried to be nothing but respectful and level headed when talking to ezra even if I didn't agree with their points but my patience over time has worn thin because at this point its constant disrespect and lies, and I've had enough.

This is me saying I want to leave the subject alone but I won’t allow their cultish clique to keep harassing me just because they want to live out their high school bully phase and I will defend myself when provoked. If you think you can indirect me into letting you win, you’ve got the wrong fucking person. I don’t care that you have a following on this site, it’s fucking tumblr dot com and I’m not gonna let a hoard of faceless freaks step all over me when I know they wouldn’t be able to hold that same energy if this argument were face to face.

I genuinely have nothing to hide when it comes to this disagreement, so here's literal proof of the conversations Ezra and I have had, hopefully this allows people to make educated decisions on the situation instead of blindly following and listening to what people on this site say, and at the end of the day, if arguments aren't backed up, people on this site will stomp all over you, simply because they think they can.

#anywho I've got a pizza in the oven gtg!

[dreadfutures]

I met with my psychiatrist today and I didn't tell her that I've been feeling flat, because I started gas-lighting myself about whether or not I've been feeling flat.

Isn't it a good thing to not be feeling high highs and low lows? And legitimately what has there been to have strong emotions about in my life recently, like nothing.

But sometimes I feel like -- and this is probably going to sound familiar to some -- I have spent so much time working on carefully managing my reactions to the world's inputs, that my emotions just don't connect to what's going on around me anymore. I just float along, nodding, waiting, grinding, feeling vaguely stressed and vaguely worried, and knowing intellectually how to express care and concern and love, but feeling gas-lit by myself because I don't Feel Things strongly enough, like I used to, like I remember, like I want to.

I am constantly praised for my ability to maintain "perspective." In mediation. In high stress situations. With work. With people. With relationships. i've been accused of being ice cold for how level-headed I can be, and also for being the warmest and steadiest person people know.

And through it all, I remember glimmers of what feelings are really like? The utter lightness of a crush, the absolute crushing despair I felt in April 2020 when D totally broke my trust and my heart. I have been terrible at journaling, so I can't even trust my hindsight about this, but boy. I feel really, really flat.

And I don't know if it's that nothing is really happening in my life, or if it's that my meds are interfering, or what. And i'm scared to find out. Changing my meds years ago was the worst experience of my life, and for the most part things are great! I'm not suicidal, I'm not stuck so low and so flat that I can't get out of bed. I haven't felt weights in my chest and on my back in years. I haven't found myself crying for months straight. I haven't found myself quitting jobs out of avoidance.

But.

But.

I didn't tell my psychiatrist but I'm going to talk to my therapist when I see her tomorrow. In some ways I feel like I've been cheating therapy because there are SO many things I want to work on, long term, and there's always so much to plumb and talk about, but I haven't wanted to touch this because I'm afraid of it triggering a downturn or a cry sesh and I just. Don't want to come to a realization that something is wrong, and then have to fix it.

Man I just want to be in a fun place. With fun people. I hate it here so fucking much, all these people who are in bed by 8, who don't ever want to come over for dinner, men who aren't allowed to be friends with women who aren't their partners, women who forego every other social interaction just to be with their partners, who don't want to go see a movie, or go to an open-air concert, or go to the beach, or even go on a walk with me and my dog around the block.

I'm just so over it. I know what life can be like out there! I know better things await me! I want to be there, and I want to know that I'll be better, there, then.

#delete later #mental health #mental illness #meds #just takling to myself mostly #im fine #just exhausted

[everafterkeiji]

Song: Getting Over You by Lauv

Summary: Unexpected things happen all the time but meeting him was one of the best parts of it.

Pairings: Atsumu Miya x gn!reader

Word count: 7.1k

Tags, Genre: implied enemies to semi lovers! trope, slight angst, curse words, timeskip! Atsumu

A/N: pls i didn't intend to change it last minute but pls let me know if u liked it cuz im still having second thoughts <3

“No- I’m sorry.” Atsumu says as you felt your heart snap and break into two distant pieces. You already limited your expectations but there was a miniature amount of hope that you held onto and that was when you should’ve lost your grip.

“It’s fine, ‘Tsumu.”

It obviously wasn’t. No matter how loud the cries of your heart were, what mattered to you in this moment was to forget it ever happened- to run away and never face another failed trial of love. Atsumu can see past your smile and he hated the way it had to end in a way he avoided. There would be a time where his feelings would be up to confrontation but when it finally happened, he’d became a coward.

He was late to realize what the outcomes could lead to. How certain was he that your paths would meet again? How was he sure that he can revert this scenario in a better way that he wanted when you were losing your hold onto him?

“I have to go but it was nice knowing you, Miya.” Your lips were tugged in a weak smile while he questions why his body lacked the power to move but what resumes to play in his mind was the way his name escaped your lips like it was a curse to say it.

Turning your heel, there was an ache in Atsumu’s head. Was it regret? His decisions tied in knots? His emotions unable to declutter themselves? Hesitantly, he reaches for you. His hand wrapped around yours as you glanced down on his soft skin you used to despise to get near to.

His eyes told you stories that were hard to decipher all at once. His stories didn’t start with a setting, it started and ended with you, not a single page where you weren’t there but it seems like the chapters you had in your own story were being torn off to erase the traces of false hope.

“Y/N, I'm so sorry.” He whispers while you felt his hand tighten to make sure that you could stay- even if it lasted for a minute because he wasn’t sure fate could spare you two another moment.

But then, you softly removed his hold on you while the cold sweat runs down his forehead.

“It’s okay, ‘Tsumu. We were just never meant for each other.”

We could’ve been.

-

“Thank you for your time.” You bid the player as both bow each other as a way of manner. You gathered your bag as the athlete turns to you with a kind smile.

“I enjoyed the interview. I’m impressed at how prepared and professional you are. How long have you been doing this?” He asks, adjusting his outfit while you toss your bag on your shoulder with your camera slung around your neck.

“There was a journalism club back in my high school and I joined in ever since I was a first year.”

“You’re in college now?”

“Yes, sir.” He chuckles at your formality while he gives a pat to your shoulder.

“That’s good to hear. Goodluck with everything- I believe that you’ve got bright things ahead of you.” Your heart fluttered at the compliment while you bid your goodbyes. You step out of the hotel feeling the satisfaction hit you like a prize. The report can finally be simplified into a few more subtle fixes and maybe by 1am, you’d be able to present it to your professor without doubting your work.

Sighing happily, you decided to reward yourself to a lovely lunch with a view you often visited due to a reminiscent feeling that bubbles in your system. After ordering, you sat outside admiring the way the sun sets and leaves a lasting beauty before the moon shows.

The stress was fading from you. You had expected that the project would’ve taken weeks for you to finish knowing that some retired athletes usually avoid questions to why they left the sport they used to love. You had called a few, a struck of confidence was enough to make you do so but they often cancel your request because they either paid attention to your young age or because they weren’t ready to be asked such personal questions about them. You were lucky to score and interview with a well-known athlete whose had his fair share of the spotlight during his early 20’s. Sadly, his retirement was due to an accident and his weak body levels couldn’t bare the adrenaline of the sport. He was kind, patient, and understanding. Ever since he agreed, your attention was on the questions you’d lay upon him seeing that this was an opportunity you can’t waste. After gathering some of his past glories, you narrowed down your interrogation on what remains important to benefit the topic of your project. You were more than proud because of the compliment he had given you and the fact that you might be able to catch a break after a hectic week.

Opening your camera and flicking through the photos to decide on which you were going to use. Suddenly, a photo meets your sight. The peak of blonde and gray hair with a uniform that you missed.

The Inarizaki Volleyball Team.

Most especially, him.

A few years has passed since you’ve seen him and his brother. Osamu’s last interaction with you was filled with nothing but sweet memories and a hug that you could never forget the warmth of, while Atsumu’s last memory with you remained bittersweet- like a sour flavor in his tongue that never left. You tried too hard to forget fragments of your time with him but because of how much work you put yourself through, you lost time to reflect on the moments that didn’t hurt.

Half of your high school life was compressed into confusing parts of your story.

But the chapter that seems to be the most influential part of it, was where you got to meet the blonde who has stomped on your heart.

It was funny to be remembered as a person who had the guts to sneeze during the great Miya setters serve.

“Achoo!”

You immediately cover your face with your handkerchief as your sneeze echoed through the gym making Atsumu’s hand lose its power because he was stunned by the sound, the ball hitting the net instead as he almost hits Aran who was wide eyed that ball went his way. The team could hear Osamu’s ‘uh-oh’ and it was enough for them to know what the setter feels after the unfortunate event.

Atsumu grits his teeth as the other team cheers knowing they got the score while his head jolts to the crowd, aggressively searching for the one who messed up his serve. Even eyeing his fans who got scared by the way he turned his head in their direction.

Meanwhile, you’ve got glares surrounding you as your friend nudges you, letting out an exhale of disbelief that you’ve got death stares.

“We’ll get the next point ‘Tsumu, don’t worry.” Osamu says landing a hand to his brothers' shoulder while Atsumu readies himself for the serve of the opposite team.

“Whatever.”

After that certain match, Atsumu was more than determined to hunt down whoever caused the flunk of his serve. Silly as it is, he’s never heard someone dare to speak during his serve. He’d always let out a hand signal for them to be quiet- let it be known that if someone spoke, he’d be fine with it but a whole sneeze? He’d never let it go, especially when it resonated in his ears.

So, imagine the look on his face when he hears the exact same sound when he was just stopping by his locker.

“Fucking dust.” You said sniffling as you closed the door to your locker, and you were face to face with a wide-eyed Miya Atsumu holding out his finger and pointing it to you, as if he was accusing you of murder.

“It’s you!” He shouts making you raise your eyebrow at him, but the raise of his voice had intimidated you.

“What?” You asked him, not finding a single clue on whatever he was pertaining to.

“You messed up my serve by sneezing.” He says in the tone of ‘as-a-matter-of-fact’ making you lick your lips, a hand to your hip as you looked at him.

“I’m not apologizing for something I can’t control.” You were completely baffled by this man. Sure, you were his classmate, but this was your first year and you barely cared to take notice of all of them, only focusing on your school group that had you busy.

“You could’ve held it for like 2 more seconds at least.” You blinked before letting out a tired exhale as you eye him up and down. The setter of the school's volleyball team, you were aware of that because of how many matches you’ve been dragged to, but he’s never come up to you before.

This was a whole other introduction.

“Miya, right?” You asked him as he steps forward, looking down on you with a sly smirk.

“I guess I’m sorry.”

Atsumu stays silent for a few seconds but returns to his angry pout as he continues to stare at you.

“What’s your name?” Atsumu asks, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Y/N.”

From thereon, it looked like your life’s plot had spiked up. Atsumu was- you could call it as a miscalculation. Someone so loud and had his ego constantly fed was not someone you would stick around due to your strict schedule of balancing schoolwork and papers from your club. It was like a bump in the road wherein the objects in your car would’ve been juggled around because of the impact- that's what it felt like. Thinking that two years would’ve passed by like a breeze, time slowed down with him. The constant bickering and arguments were embedded in you like a tattoo. The way his cackle would echo through your ears when he’d struck a nerve to you, the way he’d purposely call you nicknames you swore you hated, to the same jokes can be dragged on for hours, and how every fiber of your body promised you’d leave when you’ve had enough.

But promises were always broken.

You stuck around and he did too. Atsumu provided you with his trust and company whenever you needed it. It’s a pleasant experience but it surely wasn’t at its best. What comes with it were headaches and harsh words but having a person who knew you until graduation and stayed was a different reason. He was a familiar, a person who isn’t a call away when you needed it but being in their presence would give you a pinch of comfort.

Maybe the only thing you can thank Atsumu for is getting to know his twin brother.

You accidentally sent a text to Osamu about you panicking about a missing file to be passed the following day and Osamu was up and ready to help you locate it. After finding it, you decided to treat him for being a life saver and he of course, was having the time of his life for the free food- it was also his favorite restaurant at that moment. During this time, you’ve got to talk more about each other. Months pass now Osamu and you were way better friends than you and his brother.

You and Osamus’ bond were the type that was just so serene, hardly any type of judgement when you’d bring up a problem, and all secrets were kept tight.

Osamu was the shoulder you can lean on, while Atsumu’s would shove your head away when you do so.

Your friendship drifted away when Atsumu stabbed your heart with the words “No.” and “I’m sorry.” You hesitated that day, to dial Osamu’s phone the way you used to, but it never happened. Your sobs muffled your voice and if you called him, he’d never understand a word that you’d say.

The opposite is that Osamu would understand everything.

Because you and Atsumu mirrored the same amount of pain.

He’d never seen his brother so- ruined. Atsumu’s thin walls didn’t shield his shouts of sorrow while Osamu withstood every bit of the torture show his brother had. Checking him on the next day, the setter was fast asleep with bags under his eyes and a red nose, clutching onto his pillow so tightly.

Osamu knew that day that the damage has been done and not a single band aid would mend the two shattered hearts.

-

Atsumu strolls to the around looking for a restaurant along with his teammates. The sun has fully set making the streets of Japan light up with how busy and crowded they were. Bokuto and Hinata were busy pointing at stands that had their favorite slabs of meat while Sakusa trails behind them with a mask, wanting to be removed from the push of people. As the eyes of the blonde land on a certain stand with multiple notes stuck onto a board, he smiles fondly. He then sees two kids running with smiles on their lips as they held each other's hand, obviously excited to explore the night.

“Come on, don’t be a wuss.” Atsumu says as you rolled your eyes and thought hard about his hand that was held out in front of you. Atsumu grunts before taking your hand in his before you could even decide properly. You followed his lead as he walked you through the sea of people. You were nervous that he had left practice to accompany you. Observing you from afar, you looked devastated, but you continued the rest of the day with a smile like nothing happened. Seeing that you looked dull talking to Karou, he pulled you away from whatever void of sadness you surrounded yourself in.

“Atsumu shouldn’t you be at practice?” You asked sighing, still with his hand in yours as you stopped by a stand.

“I should be but whatever that Karou did is obviously hurting you, you idiot.” Your eyes widened at his statement and this reaction confirmed his suspicions as anger forms inside of him. What could that boy have done to get you this upset? Did he physically hurt you? Atsumu hated how he cared- it wasn’t his business to meddle with but the frown on your lips was something he wanted to remove from you.

“Thank you.” You muttered as he buys you the same thing he ordered. He sees how you weren’t as colorless as before. The lights of the night brought saturation to your features as his eyes adored every feature of yours.

“It’s nothing.”

“Atsumu-san?” Hinata asks, tapping the boy on the shoulder while the blonde awakens from his escape.

Atsumu looks around once more, seeing that there wasn’t a trace of you, he moves on.

Like he was supposed to do in the first place.

-

“For our new assignment, why don’t we take the vice versa of your last project. Retirement is inescapable but why not find the reason they’d got into the sport. What makes it so exhilarating and unforgettable? That will be our topic this week. I’m giving you a week for interviews, photos, and articles. Video format is more suited for this task. Is that clear?” You all nodded as you wrote down the list of possible athletes to meet, jotting down an outline of some key points to remember.

“A tip for you all: look for the younger generations. It doesn’t matter to me what status the athlete stands in right now, it could be a friend or even a child. What I’m looking for the depths of the details in your research.” The professor stands making all of you bid him goodbye as he walks out of the room. You gathered your notebooks, sighing that you won’t have the time to properly rest- an exam was near right at the submission of your new task. You realized that you needed to sort out the things you were required to do before everything would pile up and get tangled in the short amount of time.

Who should I interview? God, everyone is so busy at this season. You thought. It’s true- you realized that matches were always lined up by this month. You also had classes to attend to and your mind could collapse at any given moment. You were more than worried about organizing your time properly but the feeling that you’d have several sleepless nights haunts you. You wished he could have extended the submission- though it didn’t get any better since after exams you tended to be drained from studying all night.

Going back to your apartment, you decided to put sticky notes all over your wall to help you sort out your priorities. Tomorrow would be Saturday meaning that you’ve done all the works to be passed on Monday and that you had zero meetings or classes. Saturday and Sunday would be divided to work parts, by Monday you should be up and running to work again.

You couldn’t let go of this group. It had given you countless of opportunities- even an offering to be an editor at a well-known magazine agency. You were in queue for the letter, so you decided to continue with the tasks of the group. You were thankful that you got used to the craziness of it all. The ability to multitask, to put the phone down once in a while, managing your time, those were just one of the benefits of getting used to it. The things you hated was that you barely had time for yourself. To lounge and just do nothing never met with what you were doing. You envied how some people from your group would plan some hang outs during a busy week and you always questioned how they managed to do it all without panicking.

You yawned as you felt your stomach growl at the scent of the delicious street food. Seeing that you fell short on money because the amount that was in your wallet was enough for your way home, it meant you’d have to wait to eat dinner until you came home. Letting out a groan you decided to walk your way even if you get shoved. God, you were starving and exhausted. The emotions were starting to fill you the more you moved. It didn’t help that everyone was so loud. You could hear the sound of the cackles from the drunken men in the corner, the cries of the baby that brought irritation to your eardrums and even the off-key singing of a (possibly) drunk girl at karaoke. You just wanted to cover your ears and crawl back to your bed not caring if you’d only be able to get 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

As you walked, you felt a boiling pile of liquid drip to your stomach making you let out a yelp as your clothes were drenched in the coffee stain that you despised. The liquid got to your skin making you wince at just how it impacted on your skin. You felt your eyes water as the woman tried to pat away the drink but instead made it worse because you wanted the fabric to be away from you as possible- which was the opposite of what she was doing.

“Oh my god- I'm so sorry.” She kept saying while patting your abdomen while you tried to wave her off, but she kept going making the tears flow from your eyes as you chose to walk away, covering your face at how humiliated you were. You sobbed in your hands as you bumped into someone before removing them from your face to find a bench to sit on but seeing that people were already turning their heads to look at you, you’ve had enough already.

Finally finding your bus stop, you sat down burying your face in the palm of your hands sobbing as your mind replays how you’ve made a fool out of yourself for the last time. Everything was going terribly and you didn’t know how to control it without losing your cool. Sure, you’ve managed to escape the people but the feeling is still badly glued to you.

“Is everything okay?”

Someone asks but the voice became a blur to you because you were so focused on your sobs and the unstable breathing.

“Go away.” You whispered but there was a weight added to your left side as you kept your face hidden behind your hands.

“I shouldn’t have asked.” The man says looking down before standing up to leave the bench, making you intake in a sharp exhale, relieved he left.

“Why does everything have to be so fucking difficult? How am I gonna interview a volleyball player at this state?” You rambled on thinking that guy has exited your business and was free from companion.

“I mean- we’re not close- but I’m a volleyball player?”

You wiped your eyes as your heart started to run a mile now that you’ve familiarized yourself with his voice.

Lifting your head, there in front of you was the one thing that your heart had wished to see.

“Atsumu?”

His eyes widen as his chest expands, his heart growing ten times bigger than it was while it beats like a drum on heavy metal song.

“Y/N- I didn’t know- wow.” Breathless, speechless, weak- those were the words that defined your emotions. You wanted to pass out- to act like you just mistaken him for a person but he was real and you had a hard time believing it.

“Atsumu?" God, he missed it. The way his name would fall of those taunting lips of yours. The tone in your voice leading him back to the memories that he couldn’t push away.

You had to believe it. There was no other way that your starvation can make you this delusional. You called his name like you were unsure that he was ever real- like a character your brain had developed to cope with your sorrows. You dared to touch him, maybe if you did it would be a wisp of air but you were scared that if you reached out to him, you could feel his skin and remember how you wanted it to be within your grasp all the time.

Perhaps it’s a dream but this time you’d never want to wake up if this was the only way you can be together.

“Y/N..I- how are you?” How could he manage to act so civil? Your presence shocked him like electricity in his veins, pumping his heart at an unusual speed. His voice was unsteady and low, experiencing the same thoughts like you.

It’s like he was dragged back to your last encounter. Seeing your eyes filled with so much agony and how you looked so torn from his rejection, it’s the same look that you had now. It’s like his eyes were playing a risky game with him but he couldn’t complain since he’s been wanting to see you ever since you let go.

“Well, I’m burned-out that’s for sure.” You said with a light chuckle as he sits back down, wondering if it’d be alright to be close to you.

“What’s this interview about?” He asks, fiddling with the strings of his jacket while you tore your eyes away from him because you knew the admiration for him would erupt anytime soon.

“What got athletes into the sport in the first place.” Atsumu places his finger under his chin, thinking deeply about what offer he just made.

It’d mean that he could be in the same room with you for more than the hours he spent crying to himself but why waste the chance? You needed it- heck you wouldn’t be this distraught if you weren’t so affected by it. There was a never-ending list of things to do but meeting with Atsumu wasn’t even in your list of expectations because you were over with hoping into something that takes a miracle.

But he is the miracle.

“Atsumu..I don’t want you to see me like this.” You said, looking down on your hands that were on your lap, letting your hair fall in front of you to avoid his concerned gaze.

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t seen you in years, this is not what I planned to look like when I first see you.” Atsumu feels his heart frown at how low you spoke of yourself, but he understood. If you saw him in the state that you were in right now, he too would feel like he could’ve done or look better, even at least handle the situation without crumbling apart.

He knew you were in a troubled place of your mind but he just wonders where you could talk about why everything fell apart.

He missed the way it was casual to talk to you. Maybe an insult as a greeting, or a flick to the arm but he never expected to talk to you with his heart dropping in your hands. He just couldn’t forget the way you’d let him go that day during graduation, it’s almost like the sensation was still lingering around his palm even if he held a ball.

He just wished he said yes, only then, you’d be meant for each other.

“Do you mean it?” You asked sighing, not baring the weight of his silence. The pace of his heart quickens as he starts to worry if this was the confrontation that he held back all these years.

“The interview.” He was more than glad to do it. He was thankful that you weren’t talking about the bad memories or the circle of tension you two were in.

He looks at you while another strike was given to his heart seeing you this way. He’d do everything to bring back the color in your features.

“Of course.”

You smiled at his words as you both stand up but you felt conscious about the stain that was still stuck to your shirt making you desperately try to hide it by pulling your bag to the messed up section. Atsumu didn’t know that the person he had followed was the same person that got coffee dipped down on them. He didn’t recognize you at first because you had your hands covering your cries. He was worried for you when you ran off but when he knew it was you, he couldn’t believe if it was luck or a granted wish.

“Just wear this.” He says, handing you placing his jacket on your shoulders as your heart flutters at how he looked at you, completely filled with sincerity and the way his hand stayed on your shoulder.

“What the fuck do you want?” He asks you with a knife-like stare, purposely bumping harshly into you.

“Wow Miya, I was just walking.” You said returning the same fuel that he had.

“Then get out of my way then.”

“Thank you.” You said smiling lightly. He catches a glimpse of your smile and he feels his world light up at the sight of it.

I missed you.

“So where to?” He asks as you walk beside him just like old times. His height still intimidating you but it was still difficult to believe that this was the same Atsumu you had fallen for in high school.

“My apartment. We missed the bus so I hope it’s okay for you to wait.”

“I can always drive us there.” You’ve never whipped your head faster than this moment. You always trusted Osamu when he said that Atsumu couldn’t be a better driver than his own brother because Atsumu liked to rev up the engine like one of those scenes in a movie.

With the thought in your mind, you laughed.

Atsumu stops walking as he lets himself dwell at the sound of it.

Then there was a smile that he couldn’t contain.

“Sorry for laughing, ‘Tsumu. Never pictured you to have a car earlier than ‘Samu that’s all.” You explained as he chuckles, continuing to be beside you, a place that he finds himself to be the happiest.

“Yeah yeah I get it- I’m a little careless but not all the time y’know?” He says while he leads the way. The breeze felt comfortable now, it had a tweak of coldness but maybe it was just the atmosphere of you two.

When you walked to his car and told him your address, there was another silence but you tried to tell yourself that this was just Atsumu. Nothing to be worried about because you’ve known him for too long to act like all distant.

This is Atsumu- that's every reason that there is to feel nervous around him.

“How long have you been living there?” He asks while you started to feel just how badly you wanted to give in to sleepiness. You shifted once in a while to control yourself from falling asleep in his damn car. Every urge to just lay quiet for a while but you knew this would lead to a deep slumber.

“Ever since graduation.” You answered, annoyed that his jacket was inviting you to lay there and sleep away your stress though you were scared that once you wake up- Atsumu would be gone again.

“And you didn’t call to tell me about it?” He jokes but the chuckle that he expected never came because he knew just how awkward it’d be if you actually called just for that sole reason. Atsumu bites his lip at his failed attempt to drag the conversation on.

Then you giggled.

“I wanted to but I wouldn’t wanna bother the famous MSBY player.” You said smiling at him, proud that he continued on. You knew from Osamu of course, a single update when he had mentioned how well his restaurant had become, you also saw them in a poster once, even recognizing a few of his past opponents.

“Well, it would be a shame.”

There you are.

You finally arrived at your apartment and again you felt the slice of satisfaction as you removed your shoes and placed them on the table. You were partly thankful that your apartment was clean since you never have the time to spend a whole day in it only coming home late at night. Atsumu looks around as you prepare him a drink and a few snacks-it'd be rude not to.

Atsumu sees the photos where you won several awards for your loyalty and hardwork at your club. He sees how time passes and you grew into a version of you that he finds even more flawless then before. Your equipment and how everything was organized on your desk, he knew how much things changed because he used to see you doubt yourself every time you’d finish a paper but now you won awards because of them.

“Atsumu, is it alright if I shower real fast?” You asked while he raises a brow at you confused that you had to ask for his permission.

“Of course, Y/N- you didn’t have to ask.” He said chuckling while he sits on the couch, letting his eyes wonder around.

“I promise I’ll be back.”

“Please don’t rush yourself. Take yer time. “ He says while you smile at him before dashing to your room to gather new clothes, feeling like you’ve won a lottery with how happy you were to remove the coffee drenched top, tossing it to your laundry bin while you step into the shower enjoying the way the water decorated your skin, cleansing it from all the worries. While Atsumu scrolls on his phone to ease himself from the anxiousness. His finger would casually glide over Osamu’s phone number, to ask him what to do.

After a few minutes, you stepped out of the shower like a whole new person. You saw the way Atsumu’s eyes lit up when you walked in but you pushed the thought away. He pats the seat next to him while you grabbed your notebook and pen, ready to scribble down the questions.

“Are there any uncomfortable questions you’d want to avoid?” You asked him while he shakes his head while you took note of the possible questions.

“Is it okay for the interview to be filmed?” He nodded while you leaned onto the pillow, sighing happily at how you’ve managed to calm down from the pile of embarrassment earlier.

“Thank you for doing this, ‘Tsumu- really you don’t know how much I appreciate you for this.” You said leaning your cheek on the side of the couch as Atsumu copies your actions staring at you lovingly.

“You’re welcome, Y/N.” He says smiling while you returned to write a list of questions for him. With every time you look down on your notebook, Atsumu’s eyes never left you while his mind recalls every moment where he msised the opportunity to tell you just how beautiful you were.

Soon, you’ve fallen asleep while he lets the feeling sink in.

I’ve never wanted to hold you more than I do now.

He sighs before placing the blanket on your body while he kneels down and tucks a piece of hair behind your ear, his finger tracing your cheek.

“You’ll never know how much I missed you.” He whispers while you shifted in your sleep meeting his face. Before he stands up, he feels you reach for him while he’s left surprise at your touch.

“Stay please.” You whispered while he smiles weakly, placing a kiss on your forehead.

“I always will.”

-

The morning comes and you felt the blush creep on your cheeks remembering how easily you felt asleep. You wondered if Atsumu stayed, if he left- you couldn’t really blame him. So yawning and stretching when you woke up, you certainly didn’t expect to see Atsumu cooking you some breakfast. You couldn’t even move your legs, every part of you has gone stiff just admiring the way he moves.

“Hey, good morning.” He greets with a wave, a spatula in his hand, a bright smile tugged on his lips.

“Atsumu- oh god I’m so sorry.” You said as you went to him. You caught a whiff of what he was cooking and you swore you could’ve drooled knowing you didn’t even got the chance to eat dinner. Atsumu knew that of course so he called Osamu up in the morning to serve you the best breakfast he could ever make. He was initially supposed to make you dinner but you fell asleep before he could do it so this was his rebound.

“Idiot, it’s fine. Just sit down on the table and I’ll prepare the food.”

“Atsumu-“

“Just go, Y/N. I promise it’s okay- you deserve to rest before you work again.” You couldn’t even think properly with his words. It was so minimum but it was something you’d forget to do- rest. Hearing him remind you that sets a new feeling in your system. You did obey him though, you sat on the table as he even handed you coffee for him and you, placing the breakfast on the table. God, he was everything. You thought that after a few years, you two would completely drift apart but it seems like you were wrong for the hundredth time.

“Please don’t even think about ways to thank me, it’s nothing to me. “ He says taking the seat next to you while you place the food on his plate. You couldn’t even utter a word at how grateful you were for him and he’d be happy to get used to seeing you first thing in the morning.

“Atsumu, after breakfast can we have a run down of the questions first?” You asked him, growing more comfortable.

“Yeah sure.”

-

You sat on the couch, placing your camera on the table aligning it to the best possible angle as Atsumu sits down in front of you. You had your notebook on your lap as he praises how you looked so professional even if it was just a practice.

“Ready?” You asked while he nods with a smile as you pressed the camera to shoot so you could keep your composure, even if you struggled to.

“What does the sport mean to you?” You asked him, your eyes glimmering with the suns rays hitting it perfectly, while the words were removed from Atsumus mind. Seeing his hesitation, you decided to reassure him.

“It’s fine if you can’t answer straight away. I can always change the question if you like.” You commented, smiling at him to make sure he doesn’t feel rushed to answer. He nods, still not finding the exact same words to describe what he wanted to say.

“I’ll change the question for now.” You said while he let’s out a sigh before listening to you once again.

“What was the biggest struggle in your career?” He sends you a worried stare but his mind nearly bursts at his answer.

“Getting over you.”

You dropped your pen on the couch as Atsumu continued to speak since this was the answer his heart was sure of responding to.

“I tried to forget- I did. For every year that passes, the more fucking harder it gets to act like I didn’t love you back when you walked away.”

“Atsumu-“

“I know I said no- I was too late to realize how stupid I was to be scared of falling for you. I couldn’t let myself be the man who could love you when all this time I tried to hate you because I knew I would hurt you- and I already did.”

We get hurt a lot but it doesn’t mean I won’t come back to you.

Love grew and died during your second year at Inarizaki.

Before Atsumu, you found Karou. A boy who was a new recruit to your group whose helped you multiple times and has shared a conversation with you about your similar likes. There was this strange infatuation with him that even Osamu had to question how deep was the bite of love on you. You’ve fallen, of course. Occasionally leaving notes on his desk to just let him know how he made your day but it never worked. He would only paste the note on another persons desk like it was nothing. Not even getting the reaction you wanted, it felt too normal when it shouldn’t be. Realizing how this was just rejection in the shadows, you gave up. Obviously heart broken at the mere thought of how your chances were blown away. When Atsumu saw how gloomy you were that day, he had to show you how much you didn’t need Karou and there grew a different bond between the both of you.

And with a bond like that, you became attached to him.

It was all becoming clearer and clearer as you realized that you fell for the wrong person first.

“You’re too stupid to fall for a douche like him. “ He says kicking the rock that was in front of him.

“You’re lucky with that admirer of yours, Miya. I’ve never seen someone stick around you for so long.” You teased. It’s true the half of the twin hearthrob has gotten himself a sincere admire. It wasn’t one of his crazy fans- this was a person who genuinely cared for him and the words on every note he received would make the poor boy blush uncontrollably and you envied how he’s yet to realize that he too was falling for this unknown person.

While you two were oblivious to the slip up of the universe, it took a toll on you.

Because the notes you’d leave on Karous desk, always ended up on Atsumu’s instead.

“I wanna meet them so bad. Just to see if they actually care and it’s not a prank. They haven’t given me a note and it’s been what a month? I doubt it was ever real.”

“With the amount of effort they gave, I’m sure it was real.”

It’s real for me even if it shouldn’t be.

There wasn’t any other way then to accept the feelings that stayed on your skin. The moments where you thought that being around Atsumu would bring you stressful banters and more, it turned into butterflies that surrounded your room. You chose to deny it at first but remembering that graduation and good-byes were near, you had to tell him at some point.

And when you did, you poured your heart out and not even a single drop was caught.

“Last words before I forget your dumbass?” He taunts while you felt your sweat drip down the side of your forehead as you couldn’t control it anymore. You wondered if there was a simple word to describe just how much you adored him without turning it into a whole speech. This was it- you had to do it or else you’d end up being stuck on the feeling of loving him.

“I..like you Atsumu and I can’t say good-bye without telling you.”

Then there was the awful silence that he gave making you clutch onto your shirt, preparing you for the worst.

But by the way he looked so terrified and frozen, you knew.

“Atsumu?”

“No- I’m sorry.”

“And I don’t know what I’d do if I let you leave again.” He whispers as he leans closer to you, taking your hands in his while your ability to speak has been taken away by how gentle he was as his thumb caresses your hand and a look that looked so fragile.

He takes his hand and cups your cheek, pulling you close to him as his vulnerability increases.

“Do you feel the same too?” He was being so careful because a wrong choice of a word could make it all fall apart again and you could feel how tense he was but he holds you like a gem- something so beautiful that it’d cost him his life if he ever dropped you.

Your hand lands on the same hand that was on your cheek while Atsumu’s eyes widen remembering how you neglected to hold his hand before.

But it stayed.

Closing your eyes and melting in his touch, you spoke.

“I never stopped loving you, Atsumu.”

He lets his forehead rest on yours, a smile on his lips, who was soon to be on yours.

“Then be mine all over again.”

#haikyu x reader #haikyuu!! #miya atsumu #atsumu x y/n #atsumu x reader #hq atsumu #msby atsumu #atsumu imagines #miya osamu #inarizaki