#and we're not at like a stage of friendship where i can just say whatever the fuck to him in a message. like there still has to be an Inten

[bangcakes]

.

#if i dont see or talk to him this week i actually will go insane oh my god #like id message him right but heres the problem..... i really only talk when i have something to say #and hes the same way #so you can imagine THE DILEMMA #and we're not at like a stage of friendship where i can just say whatever the fuck to him in a message. like there still has to be an Inten #or whatever youd call it IDK. #i cant just send him a bird n be like .... thought youd like this JDJDJDJDJDJDJJDDNN #but one day.... one day..... #personal #plus... our last convo was kinda...... HHHHH. bc ... i wanted to clear up a misunderstanding. but there kinda wasnt one ????? #idk i overthought it. n now i havent seen or talked to him since so...... ya. theres a Fear there that i ruined everything #but.... idk i think the convo was fine like. its been almost a week and i keep reading it over (insane behaviour ik) n idk when it happened #i thought it was funny but then i overthought AGAIN. n AGAIN #All until yesterday in fact #but now i think im at peace????? idk it was kinda funny #id just hate to think that my overthinking/anxiety got in the way of the Something Maybe Thing between us.... ya

[redclercs]

DELICATE✰ CHARLES LECLERC.

x. what a shame she's fucked in the head.

— the one where they tell you what your word is worth.

❝𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺, 𝘐 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘣𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘤𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘮𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦❞ —𝘛𝘢𝘺𝘭𝘰𝘳 𝘚𝘸𝘪𝘧𝘵, 𝘊𝘰𝘳𝘯𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘢 𝘚𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘵.

warnings: abuse downplay, bashing towards taylor swift (i obviously adore her pls don't come for me haha), online bullying, new york inaccuracies, corny taylor references per usual, etc. 2k words + articles

in my head there's a mix of begin again and cornelia street playing as background music.

masterlist ✢ next

NO one likes a mad woman, but not for the reasons Taylor Swift made you believe in the lyrics of her 2020 song. Although we are definitely afraid y/n might get 'more crazy'.

Honestly, who gave her the right to speak like that about Aidan Kim? As it turns out, the three-year relationships she willingly stayed on was a 'dead-end' one, and Aidan "abused" (and I cannot stress the quotations enough) her through several stages of their shared time.

Well, I call bullshit.

How is it that after Aidan Kim helped her build whatever she has going on that people call a 'career' she wasn't bothered about being told 'how to look and how to act' (direct quote from her own video, by the way).

Breaking up with your sneaky link and calling him your friend won't save what you did before, y/n, it's the oldes trick in the book. Everything she said in her Youtube video, one I regretfully watched despite the knowledge that I won't get those 45 minutes of my life back, is rehearsed and calculated and just tried to paint the real victims in a bad light.

Playing the victim worked for Taylor Swift in 2009, 2017, 2019... but we surely won't let it happen again, right folks? y/n needs a new tactic to crawl back from the hell, because we're not believing anything that comes out of her mouth anymore.

It's true what they say, an untalented actress makes an untalented liar.

By Lia Yim

Victoria Presley is worried about best friend's y/n y/ln's well-being after the actress 'completely ghosted her' since moving back to New York.

"One day we were fine and the next, she had packed her bags and left my house," Presley said in an exclusive interview with iNTouch. "I'm not going to lie, I was deeply hurt by her actions. I offered her my home as a safe haven and she left without explanation."

y/n had been living in Victorias Los Angeles home since mid-February until this month when she returned to her infamous SoHo apartment, one she shared with Aidan Kim until their breakup.

"I can find it in my heart to forgive her, of course," 'Vic', as she's known on social media, added. "Right now, I just want my best friend back. I want the y/n I've known for years and not this person she became since Matilde Bassi and Charles Leclerc inserted themselves in her life."

Victoria Presley, the founder and CEO of Presley Beauty, is the daughter of Luke Presley and Claire Walker and has been in the influencing business for a few years now.

"If y/n ends up reading this, I want her to know that I will support her decisions but not in the way her new 'friends' are doing. I just want what's best for her."

SEE ALSO:

→ Vic Presley on having to start from zero: "I'm not a nepobaby!"

→ A look inside y/n's SoHo apartment, the one Aidan Kim paid for.

→ Is Charles Leclerc's career going downhill thanks to y/n?

By Beatrice Mann

With y/n y/ln's latest controversy, the whole world has turned their backs on the actress. But, is it really that bad? Or is it just because she's a woman in the business?

The online community's hottest topic is y/n's Youtube video where she speaks on her relationship with Aidan Kim, her friendship with Charles Leclerc and, most importantly, how all of this has affected her career. And I want to tell you all, y/n is right.

If the roles were reversed, Aidan Kim would be thriving on a newly unlocked 'Heartbreaker' persona and y/n would still be constantly humiliated for not being 'wife material'.

I believe y/n deserves much better than what she's getting. The woman admitted she escaped a relationship where her partner LAUGHED at her and manipulated her actions for his comfort. And people are still siding with the man? Seriously, people, use your brains and dig up your morals!

The only thing we're communicating to younger generations by constantly doubting women's words and putting them in the spotlight for standing up for themselves, is that only men's words are worth something.

June 14th, Manhattan, New York.

It isn't much of a surprise when Charles calls you while you're trying to get your Moka pot to work that morning. It's your third attempt at it and the previous mornings you've left it alone with tears in your eyes to walk down the street and get Starbucks coffee. You might be a little too attached to that coffee maker.

Charles got to New York city the previous night, and reminded you that you promised to show him around more than once. You intended to keep your promise, thinking you would have more time before the day came.

But as you walk to the restaurant where you decided to meet him, you can't help but think how exciting it is that you get to show the city you love so much to Charles. And just like that morning in Monaco, you can't help but remind yourself that this is a friendly get-together.

Charles has slowly, but surely, become one of your closest friends in the middle of the frenzy that your life is. With your ex-best friend saying you walked out on her and your failed fiancé insisting that it was you, who acted like a 'total psychopath' towards the end of your relationship, you have more fingers than people you can count on.

You watch him carefully as he smooths the napkin on his legs twice and then drops in on the table again, fidgeting with the loose threads in the corner.

Your wristwatch says it's 10:00 am, which is the exact time you agreed to meet. You wonder how long he's been waiting if there's an empty cup of coffee in front of him.

"You know, it's also rude to be too early for a meeting," you say as a form of greeting once you approach the table.

This startles him enough to drop the napkin on his lap again, proceeding to scramble to return it to the table before pushing his chair out to get up.

You chuckle, but before you can say you were joking, Charles is engulfing you in a hug. Your stomach flutters because of the way he holds the back of your head with his palm. It feels like you're being reunited after months instead of just two weeks. Time doesn't feel real sometimes, you would know.

"Soleil!" he says excitedly, putting his hands on your shoulders. "It's so good to see you,"

"It's nice to see you too, Charlie."

There's the nickname again. You've tried not to think too hard about it. Is it a European thing to call your friends that? When you asked him about it the last time he called before taking his flight to New York, his response was a simple 'it suits you'.

Charles pulls your chair for you and grabs your purse to place it on the empty chair between you two. He grabs his napkin again, pulling one last time on a thread before smoothing it down and forgetting about it.

"How are you?" Charles asks, a bright smile on his face. It falters in a barely perceptible way because he doesn't want to give you bad thoughts, which seem to come automatically every time the question is asked.

"Well, I'm okay," you assure in a soothing tone, "Still looking for jobs. And you?"

"Alright. Lots of work in the simulator and I'm hoping this is a good weekend,"

"Are you sure you'll be okay getting to Montreal tomorrow?" you smile at the waitress that approaches your table, "Can I have some coffee, please?"

"Of course," Charles assures, with a gesture of his hand. He's getting to Montreal at seven in the morning and running straight to his motorhome. "There's time for everything."

"What do you want to do, then?"

You don't want to exhaust him by showing him around New York, he has a long weekend ahead. To be honest, you really wonder what compelled him to make this stop instead of going straight to Canada. Sure you had talked about him coming to New York, eventually. Not a day before he had to start his Grand Prix weekend.

"Anything you want us to do," he replies, the single-dimpled smile on his face. "I'm open to anything."

"MoMA? Central Park? Something not so touristy?" you suggest, before thanking the waitress as she places a hot cup of coffee on the table.

"Just show me the places you like, y/n, don't stress about it." Charles laughs, eyes returning to the open menu in front of him. "I only care about hanging out with you."

"Thanks," is all you manage to say as you sip the scalding coffee, you do your best not to wince as it burns your tongue and down your throat. "Let's do it then."

"So, what do you think? Everything you expected and more?"

You're taking a walk in Central Park after Charles agreed to see the Alice in Wonderland statue. It's a warm morning in New York and although you haven't been walking around for that long, Charles seems content enough with what he's seen.

"It's very... you," Charles replies, and you're sure he means it as a compliment, but New York can be really ugly too. "In a good way!" he adds when he sees your expression.

"Thank you, Charlie." you laugh again. It's easy being with Charles, laughing with sincerity and really being in what's happening in the moment.

You didn't lie when you said you weren't afraid of speaking up anymore, but the dread of actually doing it is inevitable. Your words are being twisted and marked as false because Aidan is far 'more loved' than you are. Not to mention Victoria's interview about your lack of reciprocity to her humble feelings

You're still thinking about suing her. But it hurts to know that she was your best friend a week ago.

A few people stop you both to ask for pictures and autographs on the back of phone cases. A few of them ignore you, others smile politely at Charles before asking him to take their picture with you.

"I'm really polishing my photographing skills," Charles jokes as you walk away from a group of young girls who gush about how much they wish they could dress like you.

"Sorry if it bothers you," you whisper, looking at him only from the corner of your eye.

"Of course not, y/n. They ask nicely, and you're okay with it." he shrugs.

There was one time when a teenager, around fourteen or fifteeen, asked Aidan if he could please take a picture of her and yourself. It was an innocent question, she had already acknowledged him as 'that guy from Star-5' and how he'd been in Supercut with you.

But just by the way you saw his expression change, you told the girl a selfie was a better option, you would hold the phone yourself if she was okay with it.

You didn't hear the end of it for the rest of night. Aidan berated your career for the first time of many, saying it was frankly offensive that he’d been treated that way. It didn't matter that you told him the girl was barely a teen and she hadn't been rude. Still, he was more famous than you, he didn't deserve to be made felt like the opposite.

"What are you thinking?" Charles asks, touching your shoulder gently to make you pause your walk.

You really don't want to admit you were thinking about your ex-boyfriend. Not that it matters, Charles knows you think about Aidan often in a mostly negative light, but it feels weird to say it here. So you shrug and sigh. "I wish I thought of nothing, to be honest."

Charles squeezes your shoulder in a half hug. He doesn't push your boundaries, although he wishes he knew what was actually going through your mind.

─────────

It's when you two are having dinner in a restaurant in SoHo that Charles asks the question that has been eating him away since he landed in New York the previous night.

"Do you want to come to Canada with me?"

"Am I not blacklisted from the paddock?" you tease, although Elix is gone. You wonder if Ferrari people blame you a little bit for their sponsor dropping them.

"Absolutely not," Charles frowns, "And you would be my guest, you get to be in the Ferrari Suite like always."

"Thank you, Charlie–"

Charles tries not to seem disappointed as he waits for the 'but' to follow, so he drinks from his wine.

"—but I have some back to back things to do this weekend," you do regret not being able to make it, you loved the few Grand Prix you were able to attend and you would love to see Carlos too. But you have booked a few interviews with people who, more than anything want to consume gossip, but have disguised it as 'letting you tell your truth in more depth'. You cannot back down from what you started.

"That's okay," he assures with a quick wink. "You know you can come to races whenever you want to, though, right?"

"I can?" you raise both eyebrows and Charles rolls his eyes. "The benefits of having a Ferrari driver as a friend. I should have befriended you sooner."

"Very funny," he says as he hides his smile behind his glass of wine again. "Do I get invited to the Red Carpets?"

"You kind of befriended me at the downfall of my career. It's going to take a while for you to be on a Red Carpet."

Charles clicks his tongue and shakes his head. "You're only just getting started, soleil. Don't say that."

You hope he's right, because you have castings lined-up for next week too and you don't want to call him, or Mati, or your mom, crying about how unwanted you feel.

You shrug, drinking from your own wine.

"I'm being serious, y/n," Charles' tone is stern for a moment, yet not aggressive. "You have a lot of wonderful things to do in the future."

"Yeah, thanks." you dislike yourself for ruining the mood yet again, but Charles isn't bothered as he smiles at you once again.

"I mean it,"

He does, and so does Mati, and your mom. You are bound for great things, although they're taking time to find you right now.

"I know. Thank you Charlie, you're very kind. I hope you have a good race this weekend."

Charles huffs. "Yes, me too. Wish me luck?"

"I feel like I jinx you more than help you, Charlie."

"You didn't wish me luck in Spain, look how that went," he fakes a shudder and you snort. You hated every minute spent in Spain after FP3.

"Good luck, you'll do great." You pat the hand that he keeps on top of the table a couple times and before you can take your hand back, he grabs it, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Your heart races and you take a deep, sharp breath, like that would help it go back to normal. You have tried not to overanalyze everything about today, from the way Charles looked to the words he said, to the way your body responded to it. You don't want to go down that specific spiral.

"Thanks for stopping by," you take your hand back and keep it busy with your almost empty glass of wine. The alcohol has turned your cheeks warm. "You really want to see New York, huh?"

"I really wanted to see you," Charles replies, nonchalantly.

And you know you'll be spiraling, despite your best efforts.

─── team principal radio: ❝thanks for reading! also thank you so so so much because last chapter got to 1k+ interactions and i was beyond shocked!! it means a lot that you're enjoying delicate!♡❞

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[lanaxoxoxoxoxox]

guitar strings, darlin'

musician!bur x afab reader

warnings: none, just a silly lil blurb with some silly lil fluff

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

Wilbur and I were in a weird stage of friendship. We hang out almost every day (every other day at the very least), but if we separate for whatever reason, when we finally meet again, its as if nothing came between us. Many people, including the other members of Lovejoy, say that we're lucky to have that. Though, I don't think much of it. That's just Wilbur and I.

Wilbur and I first met at one of their first live gigs. They were playing at my local bar, so I decided to help out a local band near me. My thoughts then were, "Not like it's gonna hurt me! Nothing will come out of it for me anyways." And those thoughts? 100% wrong. Turns out, Wilbur has seen me play at the gigs I play, and happened to notice me in the audience at their gig. They asked me if I wanted to join, and I was starstruck. I was starstruck by not only getting asked to be part of Lovejoy, but by Wilbur. I mean, what can I say. He's practically an angel. He's sweet to everyone he meets, even if they're a total prick. He's funny, and god, he's pretty. Like, top tier level pretty. His eyes remind me of old brick libraries and the smell of burnt out cigarettes.

Obviously, I accepted the offer. And that's where I was brought to at this current moment. Sitting alone in the recording room with Wilbur, recording and trying out different stupid lyric ideas, with the light of an old lamp in the corner besides a burning candle.

"We need a good adjective to describe what the singer is feeling that still goes along with the rhythm of 'One Day'." I stated. Wilbur nodded his head in agreement, playing with the strings on his guitar.

Will's head looked back at me. "What if we make the chord using these notes?" I looked at his fingers, observing the notes he was demonstrating. I looked back at the guitar in my hands, struggling to find the right positions that he was in.

"How do you manage to put your fingers in that position?" I laughed. Wilbur laughed back at me, placing his guitar to lean on the desk besides us. He leaned over to me, and grabbed my hands and adjusted my fingers to the right strings. I looked up at him as he did so, getting lost from admiring the small features on his face.

I didn't even notice when Will was done with my hands until he made eye contact with me. I quickly looked away and fixed my hair. Wilbur chuckled, and lifted my chin up. He looked at the moon necklace displayed on my collarbone.

"That's a pretty necklace you got there." he said, playing with the metal. I blushed in response. He seemed to notice, but sighed, and sat back down. He then pulled his chair closer to mine.

"Can I tell you something, Y/n?" he asked. I nodded.

"I think I'm in fucking love with you."

My eyes widened at his words. Those were the words I have been waiting to hear for months at a time, and they finally came.

"I think I'm in love with you too, Wilbur." I smiled.

Wilbur looked at me and pulled my chin up slightly. "Can I kiss you?"

Instead of responding, I closed the space between us first. I could feel Wilbur smiling into the kiss. His lips were soft and slightly parted. Wilbur was the first one to pull away and he laughed. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for that."

I giggled and wrapped my arms around his neck, giving him one more peck on the lips and sliding my face into the crook of his neck, giving him a hug.

"LET'S FUCKING GO! I knew it was gonna happen! Ash owes me £50 now!" Mark yelled outside the door.

Wilbur scoffed at Mark and Joe standing outside the door. "Oh fuck off!"

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ. ───

ahhh i love this fic so much 😭

likes reblogs and any sort of feedback is very appreciated

love ya!! <3

#fanfiction #teen fanfic #mcyt #dream smp #wilbur soot #wilbur fanfic #wilbur soot x reader #wilbur soot x you #wilbur soot imagine #imagine #female reader #one shot

[organizationhimself]

just kinda having some thinky thoughts about how dark road totally rewired eraqus's character and what a phenomenal job they did.

like here's your problem you have. you need to take this cloistered old man who raised his students in the jedi way, somehow put up with Old Man Villainy being That Way presumably on the regular, lost every last iota of his shit and turned on the Apocalypse Child he adopted as well as his surrogate son who was infested with The Evil (which the series has long established as not necessarily being good or bad without context) to say nothing of the headtrip he gave his direct heir, and you need to reduce him to a version of himself as a child that is. like. fun. someone who has a genuine friendship with xehanort and is regarded by xehanort as someone who is a "sly fox," i.e. not the sort of buffoon who tests for mastery of the keyblade by child-proofing some orbs of light.

where do you even begin?

YOU TRAUMATIZE THE UNGODLY HELL OUT OF HI--okay i'm getting ahead of myself, let's start with principles.

because eraqus is principled. he believes really firmly in the light in a way that's nearly sora-adjacent in its intensity, but the thing is that sora has this flexibility that eraqus was simply not raised to appreciate. yes, nomura, we understand you like the bright sunshine one and the wry brooding one, you did it with sora and riku, god knows what you did to axel's spine to fit him into the sunshine kid's mold next to isa as brooding anti-crybaby, and now we're doing the same thing to eraqus. ok. i love it when you're optimistic, let's do it.

so first we need confidence. easy; he's a smug little rich kid. worked for riku didn't it? (source: kh1 manga, and the fact that you cannot convince me anyone can maintain a kid with that build on a budget) but we also need to see how dark road changed him as a person. let's contrast his uptight stick-up-his-ass future with a present day class clown who doesn't take things seriously; a headstrong fighter who jokes that he'll just run away. and hey speaking of emotional damage, let's start easing into the inevitable terrible, horrific, unspeakable traumas we're going to visit on this defenseless creature with a little one as a treat:

HIT HIM RIGHT IN THE GRANDPA.

and there you go! we now have a source for eraqus's rejection of the darkness that is not simply a function of his career as a jedi keyblade master, but has an actual personal experience he can point back to in order to say "hey, darkness is the pits!! here is why." it sets the stage early for him to be already butting heads with xehanort, who takes a much more flexible look at the worlds and the way they work and is more willing to view things from the perspective that he is not an authority on the moral peculiarities of whatever world he is currently inhabiting.

xehanort is also a child of destiny [citation needed]. an isolated visitant who was born for finer things but never slept a day in his life without waking up with sand in his mouth until he reached out and took his fate in his bare hands and let it drag him all the way to scala.

where he met the blueblooded child of a keybearing legacy thousands of years in the making, just like his.

and suddenly what you have are unwitting equals. we're ready to set them both up at the chess board; eraqus's legacy is plain, he moves first and he makes no apologies for it because it's his birthright. but xehanort's half of the board is still buried in shadow, implied but never stated, never surrendered to eraqus's probing questions or revealed by his moves, but already aimed at a clash with destiny, fated, inevitable.

shall we say, already written.

and this is brilliant!! now we have a source for our "sly fox," a reason for xehanort to be extremely familiar with the way eraqus thinks (and not to star wars on main but the obi-wan kenobi series did something really similar to this narratively by using anakin and obi-wan's familiarity with each others' fighting styles to predict the actions they would take in a situation, and i will actually never be over it in my life, absolutely stealing it for a xehaqus fic sometime, just shamelessly mugging ewan mcgregor in the street for that solid gold good shit). not only that, but we also have an explanation for xehanort's motivations as described by kh3. he is not looking at the fight from the perspective of one of the pawns; he is looking at the fight as a player, deciding which pawn gets taken. selecting which rook to sacrifice in exchange for the queen.

and eraqus is opposite him, doing the exact same thing (sort of, kh3 was a little cerebral with that), but there's an important difference here that we'll come back to later on.

so, okay. we have a vague outline in the shape of a sunshine kid now. he has confidence tied to his role in society, his legacy gives him perspective, his trauma ensures that he will one day calcify against the darkness with such emphasis that he will unwittingly pad the therapy bills of an entire generation. so far so good.

but uh, yeah, his kids? he fights them? like okay, axel has his differences with his kids too but he's not trying to kill them (mostly). eraqus really definitely for real is, and ven is defenseless. so that'ssss...hard to square with the sunshine kid we're building, nomura, how do we explain that? we really can't handwave it as amnesia this time, we're not working with ansem the wise here.

(BALDR. BALDR IS HOW--

ok but wait wait wait, before we even get to baldr, there's something we can do:

make eraqus impulsive.

and i mean impulsive. make eraqus spoil for a fight with so much unmitigated howler monkey energy that he will fight his friends just to vent. (this isn't even a unique thing, riku and xion and even sora do it all the time, and we're not here to talk about ven's crimes against miners but it's clear that violence is a spoken language in kh.) eraqus is fluent, so we're making it so that all of eraqus's intensity and passion can be focused on a single point if xehanort pushes exactly the right switches in his head.

and then, y'know, yeah. make baldr slaughter all of his classmates, several of them right in front of him, because of unchecked darkness and baldr's own inability to see past his own grief and resentment for long enough to understand that all he's really doing is inflicting his own suffering on other people in a murderstorm of nihilism and bitterness. unrelenting trauma conga line, check.

and now we have almost all the elements. eraqus's principles can't allow him to accept darkness, both because his grandfather was lost to it and because it left him (by all accounts a bourgeois slacker at the bottom of his class, someone vidar doesn't even consider as a candidate for one of the lights despite what baldr has to say about eraqus as a light source) one of the only survivors of an event that completely resculpted his life and community. time to pack him off to the jedi temple land of departure to be least okayest teacher of the year, right?

well...no. we need eraqus to wait.

because he doesn't take on students. and doesn't, and doesn't, for decades. first he fights xehanort, and as we have established he is spoiling for that fight (white moves first!). and then when xehanort finally visits him to drop off that half-dead kid he found (ven was like that already shhh), he's kind of like politely like "oh, you have apprentices. they seem...bright," like he's congratulating eraqus on finally reaching a life stage that eraqus should have hit approximately 50 years ago, and eraqus is like "yeah yeah whatever shut up anyway YOU'VE got one too now right." (yen sid talks about the role of "seeker" like it's a different thing from "keyblade master" so that's where i'm extrapolating this distinction from, but regardless i don't think anyone ever seriously expected xehanort to take on students.)

my point here is that eraqus waited until the last possible opportunity to take on students. to carry on the legacy that was so important to him as a child, and to re-experience the closest thing to the camaraderie he had as a keybearer-in-training that he could ever have back. that is how impactful baldr's actions were for eraqus.

i'm veering completely into speculation now but i think eraqus was terrified. how could he not be? his class wasn't even taking the mark of mastery and still got decimated by it. how could he risk going through that again, but from odin's perspective this time? what guarantee would he ever have to avoid the same tragedy his master had failed to prevent?

so, NOW we know why eraqus's mark of mastery was a handful of light pinatas and a duel. (i like to think xehanort felt a certain level of professional embarrassment for him and wanted to make it just a little more like a real challenge.)

(this is a sidebar and i'm going to talk about my other blorbo for a second but terra has a beautiful dream of being a sly manipulator. that's why he doesn't worry about investing himself in villain schemes, because he assumes he'll see the snare coming before he gets his head caught in it, but it's never coming from directly in front of him like he expects. so this is a dream that will never come true, but he has it, and i think given what we knew about eraqus as early as blank points, its only possible source is a master who was strict and exacting, but--very occasionally--also a sly fox who secretly delighted in his students' nascent abilities to surprise and outwit him.)

back to the trauma, we also have, obviously, the explanation for eraqus's attitude towards terra, and later ven. terra is a tragedy in slow motion that eraqus has seen happen before. baldr was unable to control his darkness; it overwhelmed him, and eraqus does not have the context that xehanort does, that baldr was in some ways a product of his own darkness-shunning society. even if eraqus does have that context, i can't really see him agreeing with it--and even if he at one point agreed with it, he would have gotten that context from the same guy who last showed up at his house talking about kicking off the apocalypse for the vine.

so like. eraqus has never seen any damn thing in his whole life that doesn't confirm his bias against the darkness. does that make him innocent of parenting Incorrectly? no, he is a Bad Dad. does it explain his hopelessly unsuccessful parenting strategies? yes, it does.

what it reinforces is also that eraqus didn't want to have to fight terra and ven. the original bbs is honestly not very good about establishing this: he cries one Sad Tear. yawn. still child abuse, asshole! the stakes in bbs are also not very well established, because there's approximately six people in it and some of them are just the same guy over again, so we don't really have a sense that terra being taken over by the darkness is like...gonna mean something to eraqus that is sincerely worth the personal cost of killing him. since we're clearly no longer worried about ven, there aren't other students to protect (besides aqua, but she's a really hard sell on the "needs to be protected from terra with so much urgency he must not live another moment" front). there is no immediacy to ven's status as Apocalypse Child; if anything vanitas seems like the obviously more important threat, and maybe eraqus should be less concerned about weeding out students and more focused on vetting friends like Old Man So Clearly The Villain My Guy. bbs eraqus is just genuinely hard to like as a character.

but now we have dark road context.

and white moves first.

eraqus is not seeing terra or ven in that moment, he's seeing baldr. he's seeing the summoning of kingdom hearts that almost was, and he is gripped by meticulously prearranged, bone-deep, irrational, traumatized, unbridled impulse. the emotion must vent. the thing he was powerless to stop has returned to haunt him and he must resist it. he knows what will happen if terra strikes him down here and heads back out into the worlds in search of other hearts, other lights. he knows.

but terra resists, using the full spectrum of his strength without remorse, and it is only when eraqus's keyblade is ready to fall from his hand that he realizes the truth:

My own heart is darkness.

and when this happened in the original birth by sleep all i could think was yeah star wars dad!! nailed it your heart IS darkness you fuckin dillweed, about time!! what took you so long!!

but after dark road, this context is completely changed. eraqus is not just realizing that he fucked up.

he is realizing that he fucked up the exact same way baldr fucked up.

that he let his own grief and suffering cloud his judgment and guide his blade to strike out at his loved ones. that instead of finding a way to live with what's already happened to ven, what was long ago fated for terra, he turned his resentment outward and gave that darkness leave to consume them both whole.

but unlike baldr, eraqus regrets it.

it is that moment that xehanort cuts him down anyway, not because eraqus can't be saved the way baldr couldn't but because xehanort is cleaving away the last of his own attachments to the world so he can follow through with the rest of his plans, and i am SO NORMAL ABOUT THI

but okay anyway. eraqus has exactly one move left.

he can't see the board. unlike xehanort, he has no extra pieces of himself he can just bandy about; the warriors of light must assemble without any of his direct input, chasing the echoes of eraqus's students and pushing and pulling in reaction to xehanort's steady advance through the center. he has only one chance. he can't afford to waste it.

the kings are meeting in the middle of the board. the stalemate will come any moment, when they're both out of moves and out of time, leaving the fate of the worlds undecided.

and it is at this moment that eraqus pulls the same penultimate move that xehanort himself used on baldr, confronting him with the first victim his darkness ever struck down. eraqus almost doesn't have to say anything, at all, because xehanort has to know what it means. has to know what it says.

xehanort resists. the world is too far gone. too many horrible things can happen in it; it must be reset. not purged and filled with darkness, like baldr wanted, but returned to a state that can never mutate into the conditions that made baldr exist in the first place. that doomed all their classmates to die. it's too late.

For us, perhaps...but not for them.

and now we go back to the distinction.

the thing that makes xehanort's chess game different from eraqus's is that, for xehanort, it's only chess. the pieces he's moving have ceased to exist in his mind as individuals. they are pawns on a line of white and black squares, and they may weave away from his will here or there but they cannot be swayed from their march.

eraqus never forgets.

and it's actually eraqus's capacity for forgiveness that i haven't even touched on yet. this isn't a word i ever expected to associate with him, but eraqus spends dark road forgiving. five minutes after any altercation he's already forgotten about it. name-calling. arguments. rejection. opposition. full-on fighting.

murders.

when xehanort kills baldr, eraqus is still calling out for him to stop. when xehanort later strikes out at him with darkness (the thing eraqus is scared of the most!!), permanently disfiguring him, eraqus has already forgiven him before seeing him the next time in person.

he does not forget that baldr is a person in spite of his darkness, and eraqus doesn't want him to be killed for it. that terra is a person in spite of his darkness, and eraqus doesn't want to see it consume him. that ven is a person in spite of the darkness that was cleaved from him, and eraqus doesn't want to see it return.

(if you think about it the real tragedy is that we were robbed of him looking aqua in the eye and telling her that she isn't tainted forever, that it did not take her, and even if it had, that will always, always matter less than her finding her way back. i refuse to believe terra was not already made aware of these facts.)

but he also does not forget that xehanort is not a faceless player in the skies, impossible to convince of the significance of a pawn; he remembers that xehanort, too, is still a person.

this point is important because eraqus's last move is not a checkmate (I KNOW HE SAYS CHECKMATE but it is not checkmate), but it is calculated to produce something else: a concession. he doesn't need the board to support his win or xehanort's loss; he needs the player on the other side to put down the pieces and follow his beacon out of the dark.

and that is how nomura shows us our sunshine kid at last, fully formed, as he takes xehanort's burdens from him and spirits them both well beyond the reach of the board.

anyway yeah microwaving him in my brain along with axel (and also roxas and terra because if i don't collect all my blorbos AND their hot mess dads i'll never fill out my pokedex).

#eraqus #xehanort #kingdom hearts dark road #khdr #xehaqus #i would apologize for the length if i were sorry

[merakiui]

I know you talked about the eels being the world’s greatest uncles, so I gotta ask, where were they in your yandere Azul fic in His Blueberry Eyes? I know for narrative purposes you wanted to isolate the reader, but I gotta know: did they know that Azul pushed reader down the stairs? Were they present over the pregnancy? Whenever they had to babysit the reader when they moved to the city, did they ever ask her how she was feeling or if she was willing to try again? I don’t know, I still have feelings for that fic and I’m craving fluffy platonic Jade and Floyd who desperately wanted to coddle a baby tako.

The tweels were going to be excellent uncles in HBE, but Azul tries to keep them at arm's length from you. >_< part of me likes to imagine the twins catch on to his obsession in its early stages, but they don't say anything because they know how sensitive Azul can be and they both note how obviously happy he is with you (and surely Azul knows better than to let his attachments spiral into something unhealthy, right?). They're not going to coddle him; he can take care of himself.

This also isn't their marriage, so marital problems are between you and Azul. It's not something the twins want to involve themselves in, lest they risk complicating matters or unintentionally causing more rifts. I think it's a difficult tightrope to walk because they try to tell him he needs to relax and stop being so controlling and manic, but Azul is stubborn and insists that the twins don't know anything; they have no room to say anything about his marriage because it's not theirs.

The main issue is that Azul can't keep anything from the twins even if he wanted to. They read him like a book. So even though Azul never admits the real reason for why you lost the baby, the twins can read between the lines and suspect the truth hiding behind layers of lies. It hurts because the twins were very supportive and excited when you were pregnant, but Azul sort of,,, shut them out during that time because he was so worried and anxious and self-conscious. He also just doesn't like the idea of other people, even his close friends, being within your proximity when you're pregnant.

As for when they'd look after you, I think neither of you talked about Azul. Most of all, the twins wish for your happiness and if Azul's an unhappy subject they'll make the day all about you to put your mind at ease, if only for the afternoon. I imagine Floyd and Jade took you to all of the places you'd like to go to but never could because of Azul. Sure, he wants you to stay home, but that's so boring. When you're with the twins, you can do whatever you want and be free and safe and happy.

Maybe they dropped little hints about the main issue at hand. I imagine both of them (in the days leading up to the scene in HBE where he kills you) put the idea of divorce in your head in hopes that it might help you figure out what to do or where to go from there (though they really couldn't have imagined Azul could be capable of something like murder; that surprises even them). Maybe they pulled you aside and simply told you, "Whatever you choose to do going forward, we're here in case you need us," or something along those lines to let you know you're not alone in this and that you have their support. Because it's painful to see both you and Azul suffering in different ways, and the twins value family and friendship so much. It's unhappiness all around. T_T

Even though they are only mentioned in the fic, I imagine Jade and Floyd were quite fond of you. Perhaps it's a platonic fondness (or a romantic fondness if you would like to read it as such), but they really do care for you. If I were to ever write more with this universe, I'd like to include scenes in which the reader interacted with them or what they do now that Azul is in custody. There is a lot that could be expanded upon.

And maybe the "hotel" Reader mentions staying at is actually the code word for Jade and Floyd's place. Maybe that was her safe haven. :( maybe the twins and their visits were what kept her sane for such a long time. In the aftermath of everything, Jade and Floyd miss you. The gutting thing about loss is that, even though they know you're never going to return, they still wait for a phone call from you or a text from Azul telling them to go look after you. Without you or Azul around, it's going to feel empty and lonely for a long time.

#twisted chit chat #devintrinidad #also yes they did want to coddle a baby tako :( so badly #so badly they wanted to be there as uncles #floyd still holds onto the little baby shoes he bought for them in advance #and jade keeps the x-ray of the unborn baby in his wallet #so much sadness... :( this story doesn't have any slivers of happiness

[lesbianspeedy]

Connor has called Ollie solely "dad" since Quiver why is he calling him "Ollie" now 😭😭😭

This is mean but I laughed out loud when Connor said Tim was the first person he talked about when he was figuring out being ace years ago. Lol. Lmao even. Tumblr really gaslit that poor writer into thinking Connor and Tim had an actual friendship with all their clamoring about him being with the wrong Bat huh. "Where were you?" GEE I didn't know you had to give daily updates to that one kid you teamed up a few times and had some friendly banter with. I love queer solidarity and the whole thing about us finding each other before we even know we're queer but. NO Connor would not have talks about his sexuality with Tim. Cmooooon you're telling me the first person he'd talk to about being ace wouldn't be Kyle "you can tell me if you're gay, Connor" Rayner?

At least that "this is just another thing me and Ollie don't have in common" anxiety is something already established. Like, that's basically the same thing he says to Roy when Roy takes him to that strip club even if it's an issue by Winick (do you ever stop to think about how unintentionally well laid out Connor being ace is and lose your mind a little bit?)

I'm just. Really sad about how Ollie and Connor's relationship is being presented to this new generation of readers. It's like we regressed to the time Ollie was dead, ya know? And I don't like Connor solely for his relationship with his dad, I want him to be a character on his own. But I can't help but being saddened by how he is losing his relationship with everyone that matters. For better or for worse, at least the new GA series is gonna have him interacting with his family (but what about Kyle, Eddie, Jansen and Moonday, ya know?)

The thing is that the story is good and I like its message. It just... Could be with any other character

im tempted to post this without an "answer" because its really well laid out and deserves to be a post on it's own. but i just rlly like ur points and want to interact with them so.

i think there were a few times between quiver and now where he interchangebly used dad and ollie but i get what you're saying, referring to him like hes estranged still was odd.

i totally agree, the idea of queer solidarity is important and should be shown, but i think this was a weird choice to go with. i think the most intimate (from my memory, i havent reread connor's run in a while) question connor ever asked tim was whether batman was his dad (at that time the answer was still no, as jack hadn't been killed yet). and that was only asked because connor was still his charmingly-awful-at-secret-identities-self. the part of their limited friendship that was interesting was the dynamic of new-sidekick-legacy meets new-main-legacy (for lack of a better descriptor), both struggling to uphold what they thought was expected of them. they never got to really advance from that stage of knowing each other to being at a place where they are friends out of costume, let alone discuss their SEXUALITIES.

i agree that the not being in common thing was a nice nod to past character complexities, though it felt slightly like it was the writer genuinely believing that to be true, and not just a rehash of connor's complicated feelings.

i know, its a weird stage we're at now, the resistence to fully accepting the connor that came from the end of his green arrow run, not just the beginning of it. by the end he had come to peace with being green arrow, and not being his father but that being okay. and that's not to say this is all the current writers fault (though williamson has done absolutely no favours with his writing), as winick and krul absolutely demolished any character connor had for their angst and whatever. (remember when connor aggressively yelled at mia for complaining about being stalked by zatanna without being told? or when after being turned into plastic and losing his memories he then decided he hated buddhism and oliver?). (not to mention the seperation from eddie jansen moonday kyle and. despite all of this complaining. tim cass and steph. winick set this precident and i will never forgive him)

i agree, it had good framework, and it couldve been a much more cohesive story if they. had just not used this friendship.

#connor hawke #green arrow #dc comics

[burkleswinifred]

WIP Wednesday

Thank you @kurtsascot for tagging me! The klaine hsm au is still in it's drafting stage. I have worked a bit on some parts of it though (i'm kind of at that point where i just start writing whatever's in my head and hope it sticks). As far as other fic ideas, I may potentially do a quinntana fic (another au based on a movie), I haven't written anything for that yet because I want to focus on finishing the hsm au first. I also mentioned possibly writing a hevans friendship fic based on the duets episode.

Anyways, Here's a bit the hsm au (sadly no klaine here though, instead here's some hummelberry siblings).

"You know, you didn't have to be so mean to Marley."

Rachel scoffs. "Kurt, I'm doing her a favor. Broadway is a competitive and cutthroat business. Marley's not going to get anywhere if she acts all shy when someone slightly raises their voice at her."

"Rachel, this is a high school production, not Broadway. Besides we're going to have to use her composition for the musical."

"I'm aware. I just got a bit annoyed at her insinuating that we wouldn't get the part."

Kurt and Rachel have gotten the leads for school plays and musicals since third grade. At this point, it was obvious that they would always get them. Perhaps that's why many of the students in drama club never bothered to audition for the lead roles.

"Well, maybe we don't always have to get the leads." Kurt mutters.

Rachel gasps and puts a hand over her heart. "What?! How can you say something like that? Kurt, you and I both no that no one in this school is as talented and dedicated to musical theater as us."

"I just mean that..."

Kurt didn't get a chance to finish his thought as Ms. Holiday called everyone's attention.

"We'll talk about this later." Rachel whispers.

#ramblings #my writing #oh tagging who ever sees this and wants to do it #and if you want to ask about my other fic ideas you can

[biggiedraws]

Have you looked into QPRs/Queerplatonic Relationships? It’s kind of like that!!!!!

yes i know all about them! i actually have a lot of thoughts about this so strap in bc we're in for a long one.

for me personally, i dont think its really necessary to distinguish a platonic relationship where you live together or do other "marriage things" from any other kind of friendship. some friendships are closer or last longer than others and thats fine, so i just dont see why i would need a different word for it? like, every description of a qpr ive seen is different from a regular platonic relationship in up to 2 ways: 1. its "deeper" or "more meaningful" than regular friendships (implies that friendships cannot be as deep or meaningful as a marriage, which i reject) and 2. you do things together that regular friends dont do (but who says we cant do those with all of our friends? why can you only break these rules with one special person? when does it go from a slightly unconventional friendship to a qpr? idk doesnt really make sense to me). im sure those distinctions matter to some people, but i just dont really find them useful

and the deeper issue here is that society has drilled into us that we need to have one person that is The Most Important, that we rely on to fulfill all of our relationship needs. this is the concept of "amatonormativity": the idea that everyone needs to settle down with someone into a traditional monogamous relationship, and that no other relationship is as important or fulfilling as that one. and i just dont subscribe to that kind of hierarchy (for me personally! obviously not telling anyone how to live their life. your relationship boundaries and labels are your business). like im already throwing out the idea of a traditional marriage by not wanting a sexual relationship, so may as well throw out everything else i dont like while im at it. i dont think the person youre having sex with has to be the person youre closest with in the world, i dont think the person you share finances with has to be the person you primarily rely on emotionally, i think physical and emotional intimacy should not be reserved for sexual relationships, and i think every relationship fulfills a different role and combining them all into one Ultimate Most Important Relationship- FOR LIFE- isnt always a good idea. whether its a marriage or a qpr or whatever else.

and honestly i think the main reason this viewpoint is so uncommon (well, aside from the fact that most people dont really examine what theyre taught about marriage and monogamy and the way things "should" be) is because of jealousy. i totally understand the desire to be The Most Important Person in someone elses life, to feel wanted and needed by someone that you love. and finding out that someone youre very close to also relies on someone else definitely stings a bit! but just because something makes you a little upset doesnt mean that its actually bad. i think everyone should have lots of people to rely on outside of their partner, and people they trust just as much or more than their partner, and i think we would all be a lot healthier and happier if we accepted that and got rid of the traditional hierarchy of "everyone must come second to your spouse, because your spouse should fulfill all of your relationship needs, and if they dont then theyre a bad spouse"

like. sometimes people who are very good for each other are not compatible sexually. why shouldnt they fulfill those needs elsewhere? (IF theyre both okay with it. im not condoning cheating, im talking about unconventional relationship boundaries that are mutually agreed upon.) sometimes people who love each other do not agree on how a household should be run. why should they move in together just because their relationship has reached a certain stage? why should someones long-term friendships suddenly become less important to them once they get into a romantic relationship?? all these rules are made up! i reject them all! relationship anarchy!!

and just to be clear- im not saying that traditional monogamous relationships are bad. if you want those kinds of relationship boundaries, where one person is the most important to you and your relationship is very exclusive, more power to you! but that isnt the only option, and its frustrating how much our society devalues friendship in favour of marriage. i mean, even people who dont want a romantic relationship needed to define something thats MORE than "just friends". because friends dont get married. friends dont sleep together. friends dont raise children together. those things go beyond "just friends". but i say screw that! friends can do whatever they want together! i love my friends a lot and i refuse to be confined by what friends are and arent "supposed" to do together. and its a shame that you really only see these kinds of unconventional relationship dynamics in the polyamorous and aro/ace communities. everyone should question what they know about relationships and how theyre supposed to function, and decide for themselves what kind of boundaries work for their specific relationships. at least thats what i think

#so sorry for the extremely long reply! i just have a lot of thoughts about it #btw i wouldnt consider myself polyamorous. but my sister is so shes done a lot of research on it and we talk about it a lot #anyway if you wanna know more about amatonormativity and how its bad for everyone. theres a great youtube video #called 'amatonormativity' by tara mooknee. check it out its excellent

[comradeocean]

One Day 2024 Emma Morley headcanon I figured out from a throwaway line in a fic I'm working on but I'm not gonna include bc it's already too long and weird but I just need to put this out there in the world:

after Tilly's wedding they resume their friendship w extreme gusto - emails, many phone calls, back and forth SMSs all day (Dex is hugely relieved he's on a separate contract from Sylvie but chooses not to think about this too much)

Clearly full blown emotional affair level, and with Sylvie switched on to wedding planning mode and buried in logistics and catering and whatever, it's easy for Dex to coast, being supportive and going along with whatever The Fiancée wants while thinking about how he'd word the funny email to Em about this ridiculous wedding activity later that night etc

So it's not hard for Dex and Em to pretend everything is just like it was and revert to their early stage London friendship (where according to the book version they were completely obsessed w each other). Until the wedding. And the honeymoon.

When Dexter goes cold turkey no contact for the entire 3 weeks bc he realized at some point (maybe at the reception when he wanted to immediately go dance w Em? Or Sylvie has like a dress crisis 15 minutes before walking down the aisle and he's not really panicking but preoccupied over some ambivalent email Emma's agent sent her about a possible TV adaptation of her book and whether he should try to hook her up with some contact he has) that this was really fucked up! and he was being an awful shitty person to Sylvie! who he loves! and has gotten married and is having a kid with!!

Em, of course, has also been in full denial about this - he's just my best friend (Tilly: so what am I? chopped liver??), we're just catching up after not being in touch for so long. And she's able to lie to herself about this until he suddenly goes completely off grid during the honeymoon and she has a mini breakdown and realizes:

- she's fallen back in love w him - he's just being regular old charming rooting-for-her-all-the-way #1 cheerleader Dexter - she craves validation, he clearly still has bad impulse control so it's headed straight for a Headmaster Phil sordid affair situation - and she cannot have their friendship degenerate into that

so she has some crisis meetings with Tilly and decides to dial it the fuck back. only casual drop-in hangouts in public with other ppl around. phone calls preferably same. no texting. emails get a pass bc it's like work (it's OK she can still be in denial a little bit, as a treat)

and miracle of miracles! by some unspoken agreement he's also dialing it the fuck back. (Em bitterly tells herself it was the mind blowing honeymoon sex.) (intuition bitterly confirmed by Dex now regularly bringing Sylvie along to their dinner/lunch/coffee dates)

Emma is trying very hard to be a supportive innocuous 100% platonic not secretly pining best friend but it's fucking hard and she ends up cancelling a bunch of things at the last minute bc of migraines or swollen glands or whatever mysterious illness she makes up, because seeing them being lovey-dovey is so fucking painful she's literally constantly on the verge of tears. Eventually, faking it till she makes it works and she's able to ignore it better and it's on a way lower shimmer and everything is mostly fine again.

all this to say! Emma was on super high guard in Paris refusing to believe Dexter had any deeper feelings specifically for her, Emma, as a person, besides someone who is always there for him and low effort etc. So his sudden refusal to have dinner w her and Jean-Pierre is very confusing. She's trying to figure it out - Dex is extroverted, loves meeting ppl and bantering and showing her up, a little too much even, like a competition to prove who's more charismatic. And the swollen glands thing is clearly fake. So what is up?????

She's distracted, picking over it on the walk to the restaurant w Jean-Pierre until she suddenly considers the possibility he is pulling the same trick she did - he is so heartbroken seeing her w someone else it is causing sufficient anguish he can't even fake being friendly and social. Dexter! Mr TV Presenter social butterfly Dexter Mayhew! And so the penny droppeth 😋

#One Day

[one-abuse-survivor]

i feel kinda shitty rn because i was almost convinced my dad had. like. stopped? being an abusive asshole to me? i told myself that he did it because he was so stressed and upset bc of stuff happening and that now it was over even though i know he goes through stages where he seems fine and then abruptly turns into an asshole. i was telling myself it was over and it was going to be weird that i had a period in my life where my dad abused me but now it was over and i could just lowkey hate him for it but it was over.

but then, of course, because i'm a dumbass, the other day, my dad started making fun of me for literally being a cripple? (i am crippled, to be clear, he was just making fun of me for how i walk and being slow and using a cane and how it makes him have to wait for me to get out of the way, which inconveniences him or whatever.) and i was feeling so bad that day that i got pissed at him and then i got in trouble for telling him that making fun of my disabilities isn't okay. (because that's petty somehow ._. )

and now he's avoiding me bc he knows he was an asshole and didn't apologize and he doesn't want to do that. and im just so done. like. i used to think i couldn't call him abusive bc we were all in such a stressful situation and he was just dealing with it like a dickhead but we're out of it now, almost 2 years, and he's still on/off treating me like shit, avoiding me so he doesn't have to apologize, and then trying to come back and chat like nothing happened. i feel like im going insane or maybe im just stupid for letting him do this to me. im just barely an adult but still an adult, i should know what to do in this situation right? but my family just says 'forgive him' and i don't know what else to do when im stuck living with him. :/

Hi there, nonnie.

I'm really sorry this happened to you. You were starting to feel that you were safe around him and he turned around and abused you again. That's awful beyond words, and sounds so scary and confusing. I don't think you're a dumbass for believing the abuse was over. I think downplaying what happened and believing it wouldn't happen again might have been a coping mechanism/survival strategy, because you can't exactly process his abuse while still living with him, so your mind might have resorted to just hoping for the best so you could keep going.

Good job standing up for yourself when he made those ableist comments! And I'm sorry he didn't budge and painted you as petty for that. Any good parent would be proud of their kids when they stand up for themselves, even against their own parents when they say something insensitive.

You're not stupid for struggling, nonnie. Being an adult doesn't automatically mean you should know how to handle being abused. For one, the abuse-victim relationship has been established between you since you were a minor. That's not a dynamic you can just snap out of. Even as adults, victims of child and teen abuse can very easily fall back into that dynamic, even if it's been years or decades since they got out. In my case, whenever I run into my mother, I still fall back into survival mode, and I'm in my mid-twenties. And, until I was able to move out of her house at 20, I kept living in survival mode constantly in her house. Being 19 wasn't any different than being 16 when it came to living in that house. I was exactly the same amount of traumatised and helpless until the moment that I left.

And, moreover, there are many adults who become victims of abuse in adulthood, for example within the context of romantic relationships, workplace relationships, or friendships. Being an abuse victim isn't a minor-only thing. Sure, it's not the exact same experience, but adults are definitely not immune to abuse. So, no, nonnie, you shouldn't know what to do in this situation. The vast majority of people of all ages wouldn't know how to escape from an abusive relationship if they found themselves in one.

It's horrible that your family isn't supporting you and is telling you to forgive him. They're basically telling you you don't deserve boundaries, respect, or reparations when you're hurt, and you should just let others mistreat you without complaining. They're condoning and facilitating his abuse of you when they should be supporting you and confronting him instead. That's incredibly unfair, and you deserve so much better than that.

Sending a virtual hug ❤️

#Ask #Abuse #Abuse tw #Abusive father tw #Ableism tw #Verbal abuse tw #Gaslighting tw #abuse apologism

[rakuya-nikki]

Blue Lock - Entry #4

Just finished catching up to the "Blue Lock" anime.

It's a sports anime that puts more focus on the "independence" and "egoist" ideals compared to your usual shounen "friendship is power" themes. They even directly mention how Japan's collectivist philosophies are what hinder them in some sports where independent strength is vital.

These are interesting ideals, and honestly I really respect them. As someone who's struggling with confidence himself, seeing people so unabashedly embrace their ego is something I can take heart in.

The characters themselves are fairly good. A lot of duds, and some of the characters who get a "backstory" remain extremely surface level. But there's certainly characters I really like, such as Bachira, or Nagi, or even Isagi himself. I've always felt that characters were a major driving force for any show, so having several that I really like is great.

Overall, the narrative is very fast-paced. At least, when I compare it to something like Haikyuu, which, let's be real, of course I'm gonna do. The rate of growth for any of the characters, and especially for Isagi, feels almost breakneck. It makes for consistent pacing, but it also means I feel like I'm not watching a soccer anime, but rather, an ideals anime.

Ideals are cool, sure, but it's a shame because of how much relative emphasis Haikyuu put on the process of the sport itself. I dunno how the manga goes, but for the anime, I'd say like 80% of the shots during a match are either close-ups of people's faces (usually with crazy, whacky eyes and effects), or are extremely simple movements. Any camera angles that show the whole stage use extremely limited movement with very noticeable CGI. Basically, we're rarely ever seeing actions, but rather, seeing images and having people narrate to you what's happening.

I recognize that happens a good amount in Haikyuu too, but the difference is that show gives time to the matches and the overall process to let you really digest in everything. It feels much more tangible. In Blue Lock, a single match usually takes place in one or two episodes, and the character or characters experience major growth in those few episodes. So that, paired with the lack of animation presence for the sport's motions, is why I feel this is less a "soccer show" and more an "ideals show", like I said before.

Like, there's a lot of speeches and narration in this show. As someone who's using it to study Japanese, that's actually a good thing in a sense, but it certainly puts less interest on the sport itself.

For some people, that focus on the ideals of "ego", and it just being a sports anime in general, will be enough to get them hooked. I mean, hell, I binged the whole show in a few days for that reason. But I can't see this having even a fraction of the impact that Haikyuu had on me.

What I'll end up taking away from this show is to be more confident in my ego, y'know being allowed to be selfish sometimes. I think it's an important quality that people can often overlook due to being afraid of "being that guy" or whatever. I certainly know it's a major problem for me, so trying to be more wary of that is a good thing, I think.

But given the lack of true depth the show really portrays, in many facets, it means that message doesn't resonate with me as well as a similar ideal could have in a show that gripped me more. It was a nice watch though. It was kinda... no, very edgy and over-the-top at some points, but overall it was the "delightful" kind, I think. If there's a new season, I'd watch it, but I'm not incentivized to read the manga.

I think I mined a little over 50 sentence cards watching it, so that already makes it a worthwhile experience, and I get to add Bachira to my list of "characters that I'd want as my friend", so that's always fun.

Mostly, though, it just makes me wanna watch Haikyuu again. Which... I might do soon, honestly LOL

#diary #diary entry #journal #journaling #personal diary #blue lock #anime

[hope-urok]

haunted

240317

i notice it is more prominent when i see you. when i don't see you much it still lingers. is that normal?

i don't know if it's because i feel so bad and guilty that it's haunting me. isn't it so dumb that i'm the one that broke it off and then when we tried again i started dating 3 months after? or maybe i'm just living my life? i can't hold myself against getting into a relationship because we weren't in touch. yes we said waiting but we did also say to keep in touch and it didn't happen. this was so long ago and i'm still thinking about it. i can't help these feelings but surely i can identify what sort of feelings at this point but i really don't know.

is it the lack of closure? because we barely talk i barely know anything about his life at the moment? and i want to be friends again, do i? it's not been like this with anyone else. we're better now but i'm still having the same thoughts.

it's so hard for me to act normal around him. this has been our normal for the past few years. it's a cycle. it's a whole 8 seasons. i liked him early on in our friendship when we first met. but he had a gf. after they broke up, i tried to go for it, we went to ball, i was too forward. i got into a relationship. few years later, he starts to have feelings for me and we start dating soon after i got out of that relationship. he moves down to hastings. it doesn't work. we break up. the next year we have camp, i visit him, things reignite but doesn't continue when i go back home. since then it's been business conversations, awkwardness and ignoring.

what im tryna say is we have not acted like proper friends since before we started dating. even then it was a bit confusing. even then I couldn't talk to him much without feeling things. i remember wanting to distance myself because of my feelings. and now it's the same thing.

for whatever reason, it is a lot of effort, not natural, anxiety-inducing to try talk to you or make a conversation. it's easier when it's about youth. but when I see you I go blank. my brain doesn't work. and yes, it probably is because of our history and I'm nervous to talk to you. not that i still have feelings right? i barely know you now. how can i say i still like you.

to be frank... i miss you. i am jealous of people who can talk to you casually and normally. i want to be one of your closest friends again. i want to know what goes on in your life on a regular basis. but, if you are seeing someone, I don't want to know. at this stage, I could not attend your wedding. there's also the fact that you were in aus during valentines so that's a big tell imo. we'll see how we are in a few years, hopefully, I can get to a place where we can have a pure friendship and I'll be happy for you when you do date or enter the seminary haha.

i do have a feeling that a conversation over coffee would fix this. i guess I'm not mature enough right now. some day. is it pride? a part of me feels it would be selfish to ask to talk if it's just to say I'm sorry and talk things out. it's also been so so long...

there are indicators that i still have feelings. did i not truly heal? the regular dreams i have of you have to stop. every song along the lines of 'the one that got away' hurts. and there must be a reason that love, rosie and the hows of us are my comfort movies. these all feed my delusions.

i never thought that when we separated that we weren't meant to be. i always thought we'd come back to each other. but we're intertwined in each other's lives so much lately and things are still weird so i don't know what that means.

i have to remind myself that i am making this really dramatic in my head. it's probably not that deep. i always say time will tell but shouldn't it be my turn? i don't know if i'll ever be ready for that, i reckon i need to push myself one day. one day....

in the mean time, working on myself sounds really good. i need to prioritise that more. more good habits!

[jooyeone]

hey alice 🤍 could i ask for some advice if that's alright? it's completely okay if not i understand! this is a question i wish for multiple insights on so if your followers wants chime in too that would be great 🤍 what i wanted to ask is have you ever/felt like you and your friend(s) drifted apart, and if so, is there anything you can do about it or is it just inevitable [that you guys just drift apart] despite your efforts to stop it? :( thank you in advance if you answer, wishing u well🤍🤍

hii darling, i'm so sorry it took me this long to reply to you 😭 it's been a bit tiring trying to adjust to a new work schedule lately so i couldn't properly sit down to really think about your question, but i'm here now! ..oof. that is such an emotionally difficult situation to be in, love. unfortunately, i do think it's inevitable that this happens with (some!) of the friendships in our lives simply because we're constantly growing as people, priorities change, outlooks on life change, things that once held a friendship together are no longer enough to keep a connection going.. and so on. it has happened to me a few times with, unfortunately, some of my closest friends during various stages of my life and it's always been such a difficult, bittersweet situation to navigate. however, i've also been in situations where a friendship slowly drifting away meant that one of us was maybe not doing so well or that we found ourselves faced with vastly different schedules/circumstances that left some distance between us & in those cases, some extra patience and effort has helped to keep things on track, but it was a hundred percent a mutually felt need, if that makes sense? i think it helps to consider whether what is keeping you and your friend apart lately is a specific set of circumstances that makes it harder to meet/talk/catch up in some form or another (can be a new job, degree, moving cities/countries, but also maybe one of you isn't quite feeling like themselves and it comes out as self-isolation), or whether the two of you have less and less in common and find less of a genuine pull towards the other than you used to? if it's the former, putting in more effort is worthwhile; checking in on each other more often, being open and honest about how you're feeling, maybe agreeing on a specific day per week (or month, depending on your circumstances) where you meet and have a whole day to yourselves, etc. if it's something of this nature, communication is key. don't be afraid to talk honestly and directly to your friend about how you feel and ask them how they feel as well. this kind of honesty, without shame, is what ultimately helped me maintain the close friends that i >almost< lost while i wasn't quite myself (or when they weren't quite themselves), for whatever reason. but if it's the latter, i have to be honest and say that, from my experience, you're more likely to drift apart in the long run no matter how much one of you tries to keep the connection going :( it absolutely sucks and it feels like you are perpetually mourning the loss of a good chunk of who you thought you were, but sometimes it >is< inevitable if the other person doesn't meet you in the middle.

#i have to be honest this is super difficult for me to give any advice on because i struggle with this a lot as well #i think it was only through the pandemic that i really had to face and work through not losing the friendships #that i held very close to my heart because of some Stupid Circumstances that were usually mental health related #if you and your friend can recognize where the problem is and whether it's one you are both committed to working through together #then it's a not a lost friendship but just one that is currently going through a rough patch #i really do hope it all works out between you and your friend! you can update me on the situation if you'd like 🥺 #answered #anon

[my-mt-heart]

I was just catching up on your blog. I have seen source(s) that have confirmed recently that the Daryl and CAROL spinoff is 100% confirmed. And recently like as far back as last month. Yet, it seems from here to Twitter, Carylers are worried out their minds. Even if/when they reconfirm it, some of the Caryl shippers are still going to leech their disbelief abroad.

If there's a rumor of AMC releasing a Carol and Ezekiel spinoff, Carylers would believe it more than not.

If AMC releases a statement WITH the title for the Daryl and Carol spinoff, Carylers will become anxious if a rumor spreads that the title is being rescinded.

If the Spinoff with Carol is confirmed at SDCC, a rumor about Melissa having to back out will throw whatever official statement to the contrary was made.

And you know I could go on and on, but how about we just live like we're getting the spinoff? The uncanny ability we have as a community to believe rumors OVER official statements is unbelievable. I don't know where we get the energy as a fandom to do that.

Everyone knows Melissa McBride is the best actress that came out of TWD. And I am not exaggerating. Everyone knows that; both cast and crew think she is the Whitney Houston/Mariah Carey of acting for television, from the way they talk about her. She's had the best character arc. No other woman, let alone character, has the range Melissa McBride plays in Carol. You don't get lower than a timid, abused housewife and she's been at the top for a long time. She's not going anywhere. There is nothing wrong with Norman and Melissa's friendship, either (not that it is any of my business if they were having issues). We have a little over five months to go before the last 8 episodes come out for our viewing. We have got to hold it together until then. Do not expect for any awesome, exciting news in our favor to come out in that time frame. Expect the contrary. And just ignore it.

I mean, listen. As fans, it's pretty scary to have three years in between the spinoff of our dreams being announced and finally seeing it on screen. There's an uncomfortable amount of space for things to go wrong, and it could happen at any stage. Take the Lizzie Mcguire reboot for example, I say to all you other millennials out there reading this. But thankfully, Daryl and Carol being the cash cows that they are makes it far more likely for AMC to fight to the death to make this happen.

Yes, we've gotten confirmation fairly recently, but even better, AMC did respond to the rumors and they said they're not true. That was good enough for me. It's sad that there is still so much uncertainty and anxiety and it's making me become unsatisfied just like everybody else. All we can do is wait while the studio takes pleasure in our pain. I don't think they'll be able to string us along for six months.

For what it's worth, if it ever does come to light that Daryl is getting his own show, I will have THOUGHTS. You know, along the lines of the studio placating it's biggest male star to the detriment of, as you said, the best actress that came out of TWD. And then I will peace the fuck out.

And if we get confirmation that the Caryl spinoff is still a go, you're absolutely right that it'll only be a matter of time before something else comes along to make us worry. What a long, long hiatus it'll be...

#caryl #carol peletier #justice for caryl #justice for carol #caryl spinoff #caryl positivity #this was meant to be a positive post I swear #twd

[juneviews]

Can I add that I think the fans are drawn to certain people’s vibes. Like taynew liked to bicker a lot it was their whole brand, so it kind of goes hand in hand with fans bickering, but that just built up into whatever the heck happened the last few years.

Offgun have always been chill. They always repeat the stories of how they only fought twice. I think they also have found the perfect mix of interacting with fans/fan content and leaving it be for the fans. Like they manage their fandom well. (This is kind of weird to say I guess but I think that fact that a lot of people have picked up calling them big dad and little dad (on Twitter) is because they just take really good care of their fans and that’s why it’s not so toxic.)

But that all applies more to the pre-2gether age imo, idk anything about ships past that point.

YES, that anecdote that off always says about how they only fought twice is so cute!!! I definitely agree, both off & gun are people who just... click together, and I think they've also created super healthy boundaries concerning work & their irl friendship. as you said they're really chill, they never fight, and I think they manage to not go into that "crazy fanservice every day to please the fans" stage, while also letting their real friendship show through, like the times they held hands to cross the streets when cameras weren't even supposed to be rolling. they have found the perfect in-between in my opinion where their fans are just really satisfied at any interaction they have without it having to be romantic-coded at all. I don't think many ships' fans & managers would be okay with one half of the ship being so cuddly with other dudes like gun is with taynew, yet no one bats an eye for offgun bc we're respectful of their personalities & don't feel threatened. and that really comes from knowing that they're close friends in real life who genuinely care for each other in my opinion :)

xxx

#answers #offgun

[couldyouspeakmyname]

Louis the Reaper - Part 4

This is a continuation of the AU I came up with for Halloween, where Grim Reapers are real in the Beastars world and Louis is one of them.

Previous parts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

Still going through the list of Cherryton students who know Louis personally (and who would be affected by the truth about Louis…) We're more than halfway there.

Kai: Louis doesn't think much of Kai when he reassigns him to stage crew, already noting how he kept count of Kai's two biggest performance blunders, considered to be squandered chances at good acting. Kai, naturally, doesn't take well to this flippant treatment and wonders if Louis thinks he's untouchable, like some kind of god. Louis wouldn't object to mortal assumptions of him being a powerful being, if not a deity, because it's technically true. However, Louis could see himself in Kai for how he rages against authorities for perceived unjust treatment. Louis hadn't always agreed with his father on how to live in the world, but because he can never hope to defy Oguma, a reaper leagues above him, he can only accept his father's teachings as inevitably correct. Kai's attempt to defy Louis only made him remember his former attempts at rebellion, both as a former mortal and as a reaper. If Kai were to learn of Louis being an immortal reaper, he would conclude that life truly is unfair to have an immortal and powerful avatar of death in command of him. As much as he'd like to find more ways to get back at Louis, Kai would very easily become resigned to whatever fate is in store for him.

Riz: Louis already had a full-enough awareness that Riz tended to stay in the background, and he knew just as well that there was something off-putting about the way the brown bear presented himself despite his appearance and apparent abilities. Louis lived long enough to know what bears are like, so seeing Riz act like such a friendly and gentle giant caused him slight discomfort. The way Riz hid his strength -his potential for damaging power- so smoothly, easily, and normally is a constant reminder that Louis was doing pretty much the exact same thing by intermingling with the mortals; the manner in which Riz puts up this facade almost looks like he himself was an accomplished actor despite working backstage, and Louis feels that such a dissonance is just unnatural. Associating himself so closely with mortals was a constant source of friction between Louis and his father, and Louis knows that he himself is far stronger than Riz and the rest of the Drama Club combined. Louis knows it's only a matter of time before Riz no longer feels compelled to hold back any longer, and he fears that he may one day undergo the same ordeal. After all, he is a reaper, and he must someday bring death to those he cares about in one way or another. If Riz were to learn of Louis being an immortal reaper, he would likely be in awe of Louis instead of being fearful. Riz is aware of his own might as a bear, that a carnivore like him is not easily matched by any other animal. However, to see an herbivore like Louis being living physical proof of a bear's superior despite his fragile appearance is considered as one of life's greatest wonders. This is further amplified by Riz's own fondness for herbivores and his unorthodox idea of 'crafting a bond' with them - with such an absence of weakness held by Louis, an herbivore who's so unlike others, Riz would give anything for a taste of such a friendship with his senpai.

Special mention:

Tem: When Tem was alive, Louis didn't have much to say about him apart from applauding him for his efforts as an actor, while Tem couldn't help but look up to him in adoration of his superior abilities. But it was in the days after Tem died that Louis began reflecting on the worth of mortals in his eyes. Louis lived for centuries being surrounded and bombarded by constant deaths across the world - people die every day after all; as a reaper, he is indelibly tied to death itself and can sense its presence as easily as a canine's sense of smell or a reptile's ability to see in colors. But he had become so accustomed to so many happening at once that he didn't perceive Tem in the chaos of the senses. Once he realized it, Louis rushed over to where Tem was, but he was already too late - all he saw was Tem's eaten body, so without further hesitation, he reaps Tem's soul and sends it to the afterlife before it could become a restless spirit. In the following days and months, Louis would continue to bring flowers to Tem's memorial well after everyone else had stopped. He only hopes his devotion is adequate penance for getting Tem involved in his personal history (the play), which he felt he got him killed for. In a way, it reminded him of how he lost his love in the beginning.

Just three more students to cover after this, then comes the meat and bones of this AU. For these next ones, I've been saving them for last and I'm sure you'll understand why... ;-)

--

I'm so ready anon, you don't even know

-Maeve

#submission #halloween asks