#anyway damn i feel so alive

[aquanutart]

xadian field guide

#the dragon prince #tdp #rayla #callum #aaravos #aquanutart #if you aren't waking up at 6am before work to color two hundred puffballs are you really living #there is no other way to replicate the uniquely human experience of looking at your 200 puffballs and going #'i have woken up before dawn to color these puffballs thank god they are done' #and i think that is beautiful #actually i've had this lying around unfinished for three years because i did not want to color the 200 puffballs #in this day and age there has to be a way to make it a photoshop brush #i did manage to copy and paste some which helped but #because i delayed coloring it for three years i forgot where i copy and pasted what #and so i was not able to use it so much for the coloring because i didn't know where to match it up... #and i actually tried making a brush but i didn't know how to make it keep the colors #so it made this shape of like 50 puffballs with their little eyes cut out #but it was all the one color i had selected. only in the shape of the puffballs #anyway damn i feel so alive #at least i did when i originally wrote these tags which is before i actually finished this #then i experienced the other uniquely human feeling of coming home from work and realizing it looked totally unlike what i wanted #and that i was going to have to spend the entire rest of my free time that week recoloring it from scratch #as well as rearranging the panels and fixing some things because i didn't know how to warp text along a curve #so i had made the book page flat in order to have non-curved text and it looked wrong and i ended up handwriting it #anyway it took me 17 hours to recolor this from scratch not in small part because i kept not knowing how to shade the puffballs #i mean the puffballs are individually shaded but the mass of them also has a shadow side and what's it supposed to look like? #i kept thinking the shadow colors looked muddy and every time i tried to change them i had to recolor all the balls with 14 different colors #it was so confusing i finally just said enough. i tried looking at objects covered in multicolored pompoms for reference yet still idk #anyway now that i have talked so much i've completely distracted everyone from the joke. please ignore this and laugh at the joke #the moral of this story i think is that actually i do not recommend individually drawing this many puffballs

[bluesmoth]

They settle and the vet rocks them, a hand playing with the braids in Warriors' hair, hums and it's okays getting kissed into his bangs.

hey so carved  //  hollowed    by @quirkle2 made me feel emotions. hello linked universe nation

#SO AJRHBGKAJRHBL #IVE BEEN WORKING ON THIS FOR. HOURS #i made 90% of this while on my pain meds so if you see any mistakes no u dont <3 #im SO soft for them jay you have NO idea #saw you posted a 20000 word warriors hurt/comfort fic and went OH??????? like a cartoon character #this is the first time ive ever completed a comic page too!!! man. csp frame borders were an Experience #BUT JFSBKLAHBRLAK ANYWAY #THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR FIC WITH THE FANDOM I ATE IT LIKE A BIG BOWL OF WARM SOUP #your warriors literally lands so perfectly into my Circle of Characters That I Deeply Enjoy and i love him :) #i want good things for warriors. he can have some hurt/comfort. as a treat. good for him. thank u op for my life #lu warriors #lu legend #linked universe #also i loved the part in the fic where they go to wars' era and so much of it is just so unwelcoming to him. like.... #his house doesnt feel like his. his 'friends' (artemis n impa) dont feel like friends. his people arent his people. not really #and knowing that later down the line he'll be completely disowned and banished really puts it all into perspective that #maybe it was his home once. maybe when he was a child and his mother was still alive to take him by the hand and show him the warm parts #of his era. but she's long gone. and maybe the warmth went with her too. the last of it stored in his scarf. #so he'll have to find that warmth somewhere else. glad that ledge and the others can be that warmth for him. god damn #feeling emotions in this chili's tonight..... im....... Oh My God...... could ramble about this All Night #thank you quirkle :) #this is the first fandom/non oc-related thing ive drawn in years. hallelujah #i am. so tired KARJBGALKJRBLKA #GOOD NIGHT LINKED UNIVERSE NATION #blues draws #maybe that can become a more regularly used tag! perhaps. perchance to dream

[twpsyn-who]

OMG I I wgehejej I was writing a post about some soulmate AU and and while writing it just occurred to me-

Both Jean and Marco lost their gear during Trost. They both got in a situation where a Titan was going to kill them while having nothing to protect themselves.

Marco was there to help Jean get hold of a gear and survive. Jean wasn't there for Marco aka why he died.

Omg. I'm not crying you are

#I know is obvious but for some reason it hit harder this time #I actually can't remember whatever or not Annie helped too. I know she and Connie were there cuz yk Marco asked them where's Jean #But yk with the assumption that Annie helped... Like damn man. Annie helped Marco save Jean and she helped Reiner kill Marco #THE PARALELLS MAN #i love parallels #The fact they are both good leaders but in their own unique ways <3 #I think... I think there's no way for them both to stay alive. One of them must die for the other to research his full potential #Yes it goes both ways Marco's wake up call can only be Jean's death sorry no sorry #Anyway something lowkey happier : in a universe were Jean dies in Trost not Marco during the fire when Marco sees Jean in the fire he sees #the moment Jean mocked him over his reason for joining MP. And yk maybe that makes Marco want to prove Jean wrong so he joins SC. Or maybe #He thinks he can no longer join MP not without Jean. Maybe he sees Jean in the smoke and feels guilty for not being there to help him #Ok but Eren probably has such a hard time trying to decide who to keep alive between the two man (everything would've worked out with #either of them) he truly wanted Marco to survive Trost but damn who would've looked over Mikasa yk. It truly hurt him #Gosh is 4 am I am TIRED don't mind me #aot #Aot JeanMarco #aot jean #aot marco #jeanmarco #jean kirstein #jean kirschstein #marco bodt #marco bott

[lambentplume]

i’m trying not to beat myself up for not having postgrad plans 😭 yes i am moving at my own pace unfortunately i don’t LIKE my pace,

#jaerambles #i’m so scared. i want to know that things will be fine. #at the very least i have somewhere safe to live so not scared in the physical sense but emotionally #there was previously a lot of pressure on me to Make Something Of Myself but that kind of. lessened with the Problems #but now that i’ve been focusing so hard on fixing the Problems i don’t have any career aspirations and i’m scared of being aimless #i really don’t know what i want and i don’t know how to make the moves necessary to get what i want. at least not anymore #when people ask me if things are possible it’s like damn why didn’t i think about that. damn. #anyway 😭😭😭 i stressed really bad about this all day and now i’m just kind of stuck because i can’t Do anything about it yet. #gotta finish my degree. my degree that i didn’t even like all that much. #that’s the thing that gets me i want so badly to feel alive and not just going through the motions #i’m midway through my twenties i have time but i just don’t like how i’ve been spending it #thank you tag system i love typing in tags. #man. i’m so stressed 😭 my resume is so old i haven’t worked in over 6 months and i have no extracurriculars #like what HAVE i been doing. just being mentally ill.

[galaxywhump]

I'm really sorry for this but I could really use some cheering up tonight

#hella heavy venting incoming so i'm trying to hide it in the tags #so here's another otherwise useless tag that will hopefully bury it #anyway #suicide tw #i've been suicidal for a damn decade at this point #and it's gotten worse lately #way worse #and i'm struggling a lot #and the post by inkskinned i rbd earlier today hit me so hard and i wasn't expecting it #and it's hard to talk about this stuff to people you know irl #so i'm bottling it up and i feel like i'm going to explode #being alive hurts rn #so much #and i don't know how to handle it #and i just need a damn hug #marti vents #delete later #suicide cw #suicidal thoughts tw #i'm sorry if it's not tagged properly tumblr doesn't suggest any popular tags for this topic

[bylertruther]

hate 2 say it as someone tht hates time travel plots, but season five is 100% going to include it (or more likely some form of time manipulation) because there's waaaay too many references to time, the passage of it, clocks, confirmation from the duffers that "the upside down is stuck in time" on the day will went missing, will having always described himself as feeling "stuck" or "frozen", and it's the one final thing that the hawkins lab was studying (as mentioned in the stranger things bible) that we've yet to see in the show sooooo i gotta say that math really is mathing 🧐📝

#i don't think will's powers are related to time exactly -- i think it's more in the vein of like what joyce said #that emotions can make time move really fast or really slow and when will got to the upside down he was obviously terrified out of his mind #which goes hand in hand with him shaping the upside down. vecna manifested his powers and so did will bc he was scared n wanted to go home. #i think that's what's more important/fascinating bc it wasn't hawkins when vecna got there #it only became so when will got there and it's STILL stuck in the shape that he made it at the time that he made it #and vecna hasn't ever changed it so clearly that's not a power he possesses #but i wonder what else comes with his powers... and why didn't vecna kill him to absorb them? #why did he preserve him? what was the reason.... #has time stopped because will is still feeling the same emotions he felt that day? is the upside down stuck because will's stuck? #did will have powers before and that's why vecna stalked him? or was he supposed to open a gate like in s4 but then will's fear #unearthed his powers and suddenly that changed everything for them all? where much like with max - will fighting back is precisely #what damned him and sealed his fate? #i have so many questions how did he create an entire world what is it about him that vecna needed him alive for TELL ME DUFFERS TELL MEEEEE #anyway. time 2 take a quiz byeeee #mine

[sodrippy]

im so brave for watching sweet home at night in a country where im entirely isolated. but the rewards (lee do hyun) are so worth it

#sweet home is a thirst watch to me. #help theyre making a season THREE?? how are any of these cunts still alive for that #i mean its based off smth else so i guess thats to be expected i just really thought itd be a short series #anyway idk ive watched and played zombie/apocalypse stuff a lot before but i really feel alone right now #in a very new and unexpected wat im like. oh damn. ok. shduajzk

[tokyoteddywolf]

22 isn't very much at all, I think.

#5am rambles #anyways ignore this as per usual im just thinking in a post that i'll delete soon. i just worry and writing it helps. #you ever wonder when you'll “grow up'? and then realize youre not even fully grown? #that theres still more to learn in life and that the mistakes you make are just that? mistakes? #that you are still so very very young in a world that is so very very old? #im almost 23. barely a quarter of my lifespan. im still a child in a way- my brain not fully formed. #you ever wonder how many mistakes you can make before you figure something out? #I dont know much of anything really. that's the sad part. and the adults who were supposed to help me learn... didnt. #i was failed. and now im a failure. at almost not quite 23 years old. Maybe i wont be a failure in another few years. #i still have a while to go before I die. I'm not going to waste time thinking about it. im just going to try my best. #I have time. I can learn. Grace and patience are not endless but damn if i dont try to figure things out #first step though is meds and therapy tho. we're done with the pity party. some things you just have to accept are okay #cuz my whole life i was taught that being emotional is a weakness. its pathetic and stupid to be upset or angry about anything. #any time i wanted to show i was upset or angry i was 'wrong'. i was 'selfish' and 'dramatic' #so i suppressed and pretended i was fine. that i wasnt weak and pathetic. that i was good and not an annoyance or burden. #i am not weak. i am not pathetic. i am fine i am fine i am fine you dont need to worry about the inconvenience at your door. #sometimes the shame is so much that i cant look at myself or even think i deserve help. that therapy is for people with real problems. #that i feel like ill just be told im like this for attention or dramatics. that im such a disappointment and selfish too. #ive been a “problem” my whole life to the point i dunno if i CAN be fixed. that anxiety eats me alive every day. #therapy is supposed to give you methods to cope #i dunno if it'll work though. I forget my appointments a lot. i struggle to talk sometimes. i may be autistic but its hard to get diagnosed. #emotions are so hard to figure out.

[ragnarachael]

dear GOD, ragnarachael isn’t DEAD?

wow, hi team. how have we all been? well? better than me, i hope? well, this is your update post on me since i’ve really been MIA here since, what?? september when someone stole my kinktober writing?

content warnings for things under the cut, because i’m not an asshole and am warning you about how life has been: parental death (again baybee!), shit mental health vibes is generally what this is, and mentions about america being a fucking shithole <3

since june 2022, i was in this...funk. all the abortion bans, my job not turning out how i expected it to, more shit about america going batshit crazy and turning upside down, my dad LITERALLY commenting on my weight very often.

it just. wasn’t good for me as a fucking person, and i needed to step the hell off of stuff and things. i also felt like if i kept posting here, you’d all be angry that i’m not writing fanfiction AND SO, i existed on my queen blog until that fixation died off slowly and weaned into the gvf fandom (so shocking, i know)

BUT ANYWAY, here we are. 2023, and i’m actually in worse fucking condition than i was literally in september.

the good: got a new, better paying job and started march! i love it there, i can dye my hair and have fun piercings! i got a small tattoo when i saw family in december! finally saw greta van fleet live in march and am seeing them again in july!

the really fucking bad: my dad passed away yesterday morning.

yeaaaaah. fun, yes yes.

as we’re aware, not my first rodeo, lost my mom 4 years ago (as of the 4th), so how poetic he kicks it two days after her. CLEARLY this means i’ve gotta figure out my whole life situation now that it’s just me, my cat, and my turtle. of course, this is only the first 24-48 hours, this week is going to get more and more shit probably by the hour.

but now that i feel comfortable posting on here for the moment, this means exactly what you’re expecting me, a fanfiction writer who you for some reason all really enjoy reading from: i am going to be going on a hiatus. don’t know how long, i just know that yeah, no, i am.

i consider this blog, ragnarachael, my general blog for fanfiction. it’s where i’ve posted all of my writing on this site for the forever i’ve been here, and i plan on kinda keeping it that way. unless i start posting gvf fic, then, well. you can find me over on the blog i’ve been camping out in since like a few months ago, @celestialsolstice. i’ll either post any and all gvf fanfic there OR on my AO3 account, if anyone is magically interested in that.

i’ll be chilling out on here for the rest of the evening maybe if anyone sends in an ask, ANSWER, asks i’ve received and kinda revamp my blog, because while i love eddie..that fixation has passed on <3

SOOOOO tdlr: rachael’s life is back to how it was in 2019 and she’s not gonna write/post any fanfiction for a hot good long minute because she needs to now get her shit together.

if you’ve read this long into the post, thanks! it’s appreciated! and sorry (but not sorry) for explaining myself sooner. i know i owe none of you literally anything, but i do feel bad for just Ghosting. if you wanna follow me, chat around, enjoy my shitposting ways and suffer with my gvf content, seriously follow @celestialsolstice because that’s the blog i am, like, literally always logged in on nowadays.

anywhosies. gonna go make the blog look pretty! i’ll be here if you wanna scream and shout at me!

#rachael that's so personal of u #SHOCKING NEWS! RAGNARACHAEL FOUND ALIVE! #(not her father tho) #(sorry i had to make the joke) #anyway! hi besties i've missed the vibes here dearly and i hope you all are happy to hear some communication from me #i know i've been like. radio silent and well my mental health never got over half the shit i was feeling with this blog so #ya <3 #damn i shoulda pulled a moriarty from sherlock #did u miss me???? (literally do not feed my ego)

[stereax]

woohoo spiraling out of control right now (what else is new really I've been fucked up and spiraling for weeks now) and trying to figure out reasons not to delete my tumblr and discord and myself along the way

but you know. talking about myself on my blog automatically means I'm attention seeking and fishing for pity right? should just shut up and stick to the news eh, it's all I'm good for :D

anyway if you need me I'll be in the corner reliving the past, coming to terms with reality, and trying to convince myself I'm not the problem despite every indication to the contrary ✌︎︎

#sterechats :) #09:58 pm - this is a bad idea but scheduling it anyway #what's the worst that can happen really? everyone leaves again? nobody talks to me again? #probably gonna delete this in the morning so. meh. not like it matters not like I matter :D #10:29 pm - wow it feels like my head is on fire #like my brain is actually burning and I can't do a damn thing about it #I should be happy right now! the devils are winning! my favorite guys are scoring! #but no! I'm barely keeping it together around my family and praying I don't wake up tomorrow <3 #11:00 pm - I need to get out of here #I need to get out of here out of here out of here I can't stay here any more this is killing me #everyone hates me and I need to chew my arms open maybe then everything will make sense #why am I even writing these tags what does it matter #I was so much more in control of myself when I was sh-ing #maybe I should get back to that maybe it'll help I don't know anymore #I just want my friends back but they hate me hahahaha #11:24 pm - wonder how many people are gonna block me after this one #how many people will finally be fed up and leave for good #everyone leaves and I should be used to this by now #here's a truck stop instead of saint peter's (yeah yeah yeah yeah) #11:41 pm - it's friday afternoon/there goes antigone to be buried alive #in the next world I want to be something useful/like a staple gun/or in love #I would fall off a cliff for you/a thousand times and call it a good day #maybe I'm just incapable of being human! maybe that's it! #maybe I'm not even human at all... but something worse instead... #1:22 am - moving the posting of this back from 3 to 6 am #not that that matters and not that I matter but I don't think I'll sleep #and I don't want this to post when I'm awake #I know I'm just going to get unfollowed and blocked and left behind as always #because happiness and good things and friendships just aren't things I get to have really #I just wish people would stop lying and telling me they're different and they'll stay when they're not different and won't stay

[ayakashibackstreet]

You know what, joining that Discord show club was a great idea, like half of my favourite PKC folks are there. And is there anything more wholesome than someone going '1!! hey, I remember that dog!! she's adorable, I'm glad she's doing well!' about a little pixel friend they made for you years ago?

#someone also said they liked one of my older petz that I got from a member of the Polish Petz community back in the day #and we went on to reminiscent about how the community used to be back then #honestly? in a way that talk is the closest thing I'll ever get to closure in regards to what happened with the PKC #and I think that with that I can actually try and move on #even though it's pretty damn tough when a niche site that's been around since you were born just...... falls apart due to technical issues #but I've done it before. SHiR felt like it would never go away too after all #and I was there with PTI practically since the very beginning and until the very end #anyways the Petz community is still so vibrant and cool #it hurts but it'll heal. It somehow hurts way more now that I'm an adult though. #maybe because now the Polish Petz community basically /has/ no home? and I've known some of those people since I was 11? #still.... all good things must come an end and I can accept it. I feel I'm slowly getting closer to that point. #maybe I'll slowly warm up to the concept of using my RKC account ahahaha.... the RKC people were always really nice after all #the Petz community at large won't die anytime soon I don't think. Most of us have been here for at least 10 years after all. #a huge chunk of them for 20+ years #again. some people have been here longer than I've been alive #it's not something that can entirely disappear

[cpressmn]

eddie is not a self-insert but he is a vehicle for me to finally see steve properly taken care of and loved and adored. as he DESERVES

#also i genuinely think steddie are stupid compatible in nearly every way #every aspect of their dynamic is just. i mean they are so. and i just feel like #anyway steve deserves LOVE and for someone to take care of him and make sure he’s not always sacrificing himself or prioritizing others at #the expense of his own needs. he needs someone to make sure he knows that he’s worth more to everyone alive than dead or constantly drained #someone who views steve as their first and only choice. who thinks he’s so far out of their league and beautiful and perfect and flawed and #better than they could ever imagine. someone who KNOWS how incredible steve is and never makes him feel like he’s not good enough #more than anything steve just wants to be LOVED. and eddie would make damn fucking sure he always is #steddie #analysis #stranger things #.txt #steve x eddie #eddie x steve #steddie h/c

[fckyaas]

Princess Tutu had a surprisingly great ending. It's almost cathartic for a story that's about stories and endings to stories to have a pretty good ending itself.

#princess tutu #(spoilers) still would have wanted tutu to confess her love to fakir and turn into a speck of light #but thats kinda morbid of me. its defintiely better that she gets to stay alive as her true duck self lol #and the story is in good hands now (fakir's)...i guess???? #i really enjoyed the meta themes in this anime. so much relatable stuff for a story writer #so true drosselmayer! your characters do indeed just whatever they feel like sometimes and surprise YOU with where they take the story!!! #im pretty sure fakir has a crush on tutu and he can write stories now so i suppose he could make her a girl somehow xD #altho that would be contradicting what he told her about just existing as yourself.... #overall its the perfect ending while remaining internally consistent. fakir was never meant to pick up a sword and would have died in vain #just because the story infected his town. he was always supposed to be a writer and now he is. and ahiru was always supposed to be a duck #so #AND OMG RIGHT THE ED....SO ITS HIS REFLECTION ON THE WATER RIGHT #im glad rue got her happy ending because she deserves it after all the suffering. and i even forgave mytho for being so boring for 80% #of the story. he somehow made up for it in the end #i love fakir the most tho. that character is layered and changed so much throughout the story its insaaane. a sweetheart too 🥺 #but i basically liked everybody except mytho LOL i was so frustrated in the kraehe parts because i felt like rue was being done dirty #and i was rooting for rue 😭 plus ahiru of course is so cute and lovable #anyways. super wild. loved how everything had to be dancing and the ''stage-like'' scenes and the music omfg #and the damn cat teacher lmao #As a writer princess tutu spoke to me.... I'm touched by this story; as a writer. It really does things to you on multiple levels like that #fakir can only write if its about ahiru...🥲 is this what its like to have a muse??? is this what i need to finally move #forward as a writer??? 😭😭

[frazzledazzlin]

hope u guys don't mind me being a little queer sometimes and talking to myself in the tags, it helps clear my head since people can filter out rant posts easily

#bc i had not used this place in a while until late 2022 ive absolutely forgotten if i used to talk to myself in tags here before or not #i say this bc i now have people who actively see my art here n just throwing random rants here would be very rude so i prefer tags help #feels safer here too LOL #also feels a little scary but im sure that's normal for many that there are ppl who read all tags mein gott #NOT A BAD THING THAT PPL READ TAGS i wouldn't be writing anything if i wanted to kill people for reading tags lol #just stating observations aheem aheem #its like writing on a public bathroom's walls and people passing by to be like “damn bitch ok” /funny #also do not worry at all about how i express myself i do apologize if my words sometimes sound like im on the brink but like #violence is the only way i love to be expressive HELP #watch me be on the government watchlist for the shit ive said gootbyeeeeeeee #but do not feel worried i will be ok eventually every time. sometimes i just gotta explode oh so violently to deflate and feel normal again #WISH I COULD USE EMOJIS ON THIS DAMN PC #anyway the person im trying my damned to avoid is Sure Making It Difficult #at least the people i wanted to know why i was autotune crying baby for a while heard me out n im alive in that regard finally smile emoji #how long can you keep gently hinting you want to distance yourself from somebody until you lose your goddam mind and feel sweet relief when #they actually leave said group themselves after getting my blunt hints help help #oh i sound so fucking rude with just my side but mein gott i don't care bc it was never a serious thing to begin with #just shot my anger thru the roof for good reason and finalliegh im getting mutual distance from that person lol #never get close with ur fave artists worst mistake of my life /hj for real #u start off loving seeing them every time and then boom youre sad how things turned out every time you see them my god #also make sure ur minor friends dont feel like they need to mend things for the adults i feel so fucking sad for someone bc of this rn but #i talked to them n hopefully they understand aouhg. #anyway back to queer posting thats enough soup for today good god #ranting

[sk3l3t0n444]

i wanna play animal crossing but i get really stressed about the amount of stuff i can do and how i dont know what i should do and it always reminds me that i should be working on shit :(

#its sad that such a calming game stresses me out #i just want animal crossing to be my real life #where i can just feel free #where i have no deadlines and i can just do things at my own pace however i want to #ngl i would do anything for a hug from Isabelle #idfk im just so tired of the real world...i just wanna be free to live how i want to #idfk anymore i just want a damn break from the real world...i want a world where i dont dread waking up every morning #one where i feel welcome and not like im shut out and shivering in the rain #it feels like everybody knows something i dont...something thats vital...it feels like everybody was taught how to be happy and i wasnt #i feel like an outsider in my own life...like im a side character and i only exist happily when someone else needs me #i feel like a doll who is forgotten about until they need a filler character #i feel like i only exist to give others a reason to be like they are...like im only alive to be the person who is a memory #idfk i just havent been wanted in a long time...and i know that you guys care and whatever but i just want someone irl to want me... #i want a reason to get out of bed in the morning...is that too much to ask for? #idfk im just gonna try and sleep #sorry for being a pathetic little shit #idfk im just really sorry about this #i feel bad for existing at all ngl #anyways sleep time for me...and by that i mean im gonna play games on my phone until i fall asleep

[vrgssmncht]

WOAH

The most fun I had in a while! I love you fauna conservation club!

#I'm the one in the grey plaid! #haha tw op's face #haven't been active lately cause of exams but it's finished now yay! #INVERTOBER HERE I COME #DAMN DUDE #SO NICE BEING MYSELF TALKING TO PEOPLE HAVING THE SAME PASSION OF MIIINE #HELLYEAH CONSERVATION PEOPLE! #photogtaphy #not “my” photography technically cause my friends took it lmao #anyway #love! #me #2023 #OH AND TWO WEEKS FROM NOW WE'LL GO CAMPING YAY #HELLYEAH I FEEL ALIVE AND KINDA SORE BUT MORE ALIVE!! #insect #skipper #dog #oh his name is choki #i love him #heheg