#biggest depressive episode I've had in a very long time

[darkmothsy]

I am so detached from everything I love and yet the love I receive is never enough to bring me back

#i am a leech #soul sucking leech #this is the worst #biggest depressive episode I've had in a very long time #personal #i feel like shit #nothing gets better #the tension between me and disappearing #i want to run away and never look back #i regret so many things #my life isn't mine #i'm just so angry #at myself #for thinking any of this was a good idea #Idiot #I'm not a person

[alexissara]

Trans Awareness and Remembrance

Being trans is something special, it means so many things to so many people and even people who should feel the same things the internal sense of something can still be so wildly different. Being trans is a core part of who I am, not just in that a core part of who I am is a woman but that being trans is a core part of me as well. I've often said if I was AFAB I'd probably say that my gender was just Lesbian but given the cards I was dealt with at birth being a woman and a lesbian are both important to me.

For me, coming out as trans was a long journey from when I found out about trans woman, and the reason it took so long was because of my status as a lesbain. It was the early internet, I lied about my age online so I could access age gated websites doing my best to type and behave like an adult to not get caught. I enter a fourm for trans women and gender change fetishists. Here, I learned more in detail about trans women. However, early 2000s internet trans women were 200% what we in the modern day would call truescum. You had to desire many surgeries, be utterly dysphoric, and the biggest barrier for me, you had to be straight. I fought back, and I was a passionate defender of trans lesbains on that fourm and around the net, but I did internalize it. I didn't want to be a woman, I wasn't a woman, I liked women. If I got with women, I'd not want to magically wake up as one, I'd stop fixating over ways to become a woman, at least beyond the way it had become a fetish. So I did, I dated a lot of women in my freshmen year of high school, I was always chasing after girls, especially bi women and women who wanted to dress me up like a girl. At the end of my freshman year, I would get with my current Fiancée who would explore their own gender and sexuality along with me.

I would spend several years convincing myself my desires were just a fetish even my telling my partner about my fetish came out in weepy tears as if I was coming out as trans because at that point I had to tie that to my identity, it was something that consumed a lot of my time with roleplays and what not becoming my central light in my life where I could play a woman or play someone becoming a woman. I'd eventually meet my long time long distance GFs through and through her status and a out trans woman started to push me towards finally leaving behind the pretext of fetish to explain my deep depression, my deep longing and my deep desire. After many years of concealing and doing my best to not be feeling my Fiancé and GF had a little intervention for me. They talked to me about being non binary and about my own transness and that I was probably trans and that both of them would happily accept me and that it was okay for me to be myself. I rejected it that night but the very next morning, I looked into the mirror, realized I couldn't keep up what I was doing and came out as gender fluid to them.

It would take a bit longer for me to admit what I had known since I was in middle school and first saw the world Trans Woman, when I first read Ramana 1/2, when I saw the body swap episodes of TV shows, that I wanted to be a girl, to have a woman's body, to live in community with other women and be a woman, that I was a woman and I had pushed it back for so long. I'd go to a university therapist to get formally diagnosed with gender dysphoria, I did get it and a letter of recommendation for a gender change and for getting on meds. I would start soon after and never look back. I spent so long doubting that once I was on the path to being a woman it was clear to me.

At that point being a lesbian seemed pretty obvious to me, it would take me a while to be set on what kind of asexual I was and before accepting I was trans I did for a few years ID as bisexual just because I knew I was some kind of queer but it was really just me trying to find a way to be in community while not being able to express my other aspects of queerness yet. I did talk about my label with my partner who was on his own gender journey but they were insistent that me being a lesbian didn't invalidate their own non binary masculinity or make them feel bad so I finally reached the point I had wanted to hit all those years ago, being a Lesbian and a trans woman.

I explain all this just to say to other people who might feel like because their sexuality or whatever else they can't be a woman, that they need to be some platonic ideal of the average cis/het white woman to be a trans woman it isn't true. You can be your true self whatever sexuality you have and whatever presentation you might want and anything else. You get to decide what being a woman means to you. It's worth being yourself even when I was in the pit of Texas, even when I lost family, I never regrated being myself, I finally wanted to be alive and I would trade any danger for the enjoyment of the living.

#trans awareness #transgender awareness week #TDOV #Trans #Transgender #Transbian #Trans Lesbian #Queer #Lesbian #Personal

[herefortarlos]

hey desi! it's nice ask week, i hope you're well and don't mind me coming into your inbox :)

what's your favorite lone star episode?

who is your all time comfort character?

what's your favorite song/album right now?

Hello my sweetest, Rachel 💖!! Sweetie, the day I mind you coming into my inbox will be the day I am no longer a pansexual liberal, so not a chance of that ever happening 😂.

Ohh why would you ask me that!! Okay, favorite overall Lone Star episode, and not just for 1 or 2 scenes, has to be 3x13 "Riddle of the Sphynx". That episode just gave us sooo much good Tarlos! We got supportive and jealous/sassy and then understanding Carlos. We got TK attending meetings and doing what he has to do to take care of himself! We got so much tarlos physical affection and that amazing dining table scene!! I recently watched that episode again and that scene blows me away every time, Ronen and Rafa acted their butts off! We get tarlos communicating, even if it's messy communication at first, and so many iconic lines!! "It feels like he's getting pieces of you that I don't" "You don't want those pieces" "I do, I want all of it" "You have all of me, Carlos." Just throw me off a bridge why don't you 🥲, and it's one of the few episodes where I know all the tarlos dialogue word for word. @heartstringsduet are you proud of me 😊. Then TK being affected in the field and being depressed about his own mom, looking at photos telling Carlos, "I'd give anything to feel like that again", and Carlos realizes he is in way over his head and that this isn't about him, it's about TK and what he needs so Carlos gets over that insecurity and reaches out and makes sure TK has the support he needs 🥹 And then the infamous "I love you" with TK "Heart Eyes" Strand and Carlos' understanding "I know." Every tarlos scene in this from beginning to end of episode is amazing and impactful and leaves me an emotional mess every time I watch it 💖

who is your all time comfort character?

All time comfort character you ask? 🤔 After thinking about all the fandoms I've enjoyed and been a part of over the years, please don't come at me for saying the obvious of TK 😅. He's the first live action character that I have loved this much, and there are so many reasons for that! One of the biggest being how he has been through so much hardship in his life but he is so unselfish and sees the best in people and still has so much love to give!! He is sunshine personified but he is still very much a real person with flaws and baggage, but he is constantly working to take care of himself and be a better person! I've had similar, not exact of course, experiences in my own life and have come out the other side better for it! It took a lot of time of course and I needed to be in a place where I had the power to make my own decisions and I love that about TK too, that the show constantly shows that his decisions to get better have ultimately been his own! And him being an openly gay character who is proud of his sexuality was primarily what drew me to him and the show in the first place 🥰

what's your favorite song/album right now?

Ohh always love a music question! Haha and probably not what you're expecting but my favorite album lately has been Bo Burnham's "Inside (Deluxe)" edition. It's such a fantastic special and I watched the deleted scenes not too long ago and have not been able to stop listening to "Five Years". The chorus is so damn catchy and I wish it was longer and the line "Everyone's a feminist until there is a spider around" makes me laugh every time 🤣.

#Thank you so much for the nice ask rachel ❤️!! #And thank you to anyone else that actually read all of this 😂 #sznofthesticks #desi answers #Nice ask week

[elialys]

Channeling positive energy for 2024

I have been very listless for at least the last couple of years (if not since 2020 and the whole pandemic mess), resulting in a pretty rough depressive episode that peaked this last November. It's hard to feel motivated to do anything concrete to improve your own life when everything around you is just...bleak. And this world does suck so much, so often, in so many ways.

But then I remember how I innately believe that most people are good, and that I am good, too, and that the one thing that always makes me feel better when I'm low is to do something helpful for someone, or to just be kind if I don't have the spoons for more.

(Putting this big ramble under read more)

I think I've mentioned it here before but I've made the decision to try and get into a new field of work, which involves at least two if not three years of studying. Let me tell you, I'm about to turn 36 in a couple of weeks. It's scary as fuck to do something like this. But this job, if I get into the school I need to get into, will be perfect for me. I'll be helping people who need guidance and compassion basically every day.

The bond I got to build with my students was my absolutely favorite part of teaching, but I got overwhelmed by everything else. I burned myself out in less than four years because I became a workaholic who worked 70 hours a week, never took a breath, tried tried tried, yet never felt like I was doing enough. The pressure was incredible, the 'I have to be around hundreds of people every single day', performing in front of entire classrooms full of kids 6h a day'...it just wore me down. Loved my kiddos to death, loved my science team so much, but then the pandemic hit and I lost a few family members within a few months, and I realized it was time for me to go home after 12 years abroad.

The meanest part of my brain likes to tell me I've spent the last four years being basically a useless human blob, but realistically, I know I wasn't. I had been working my ass off since 2011, when I was in America nannying two young kids all day long then going to school full time at night/weekends, before being hired as a teacher in England for 4 years.

I needed the break, I needed time with my loved ones. I needed to help grieving family members, especially my little sister with ASD, who had to learn to navigate life without her mom, who also developed epilepsy on top of everything else while our father pretended nothing was happening. I needed to spend time with my grandmother, who did so much for me when I was young and who's all alone, now. I'll even go as far as saying I've been working on fixing things with my mother this past year living with her, which was not an easy thing. Still isn't, but it's so much better than it used to be, and she's trying, too.

But I'm ready to get my life "back on track", or at least, to get busier , more proactive, more helpful to others who aren't in my inner circle, because I know that's what I'm good at, and why I'm here.

So, yeah, channeling positive thoughts for 2024. I'm not only going to work on getting into that school in the next few weeks, I also just received an email a couple days ago from an editor I used to work with. She's a writing director somewhere else now, and they need writers for a new webcomic project; she told me she immediately thought of me because they'd always been happy with my work, so I'm going to test for that, too, because why the hell not. Actually getting paid for the stuff I was writing a couple of years ago was the most surreal, rewarding experience of my writer life, and I wouldn't mind that happening again.

I want to give the biggest shoutout to my best friend & other butt cheek, @melusine0811, for helping me navigate those last four years, for always believing in me, and for being so fucking courageous when life is just so damn hard. Lauren, you're the bravest person I know, and forever my Donna Noble.

And because I'm sappy this weekend, awards and all, I'm also sending my thanks to my Australian unicorn, just for existing somewhere out there, for being a role model to me from afar these last thirteen years, for being another perfect example of people persevering no matter what, doing the things they love, while always trying to be kind to others in the process. I don't believe in much, but I believe in karma. You do good deeds, good things will happen to you.

Be kind to each other, my lovelies. Always be kind.

#personal #about me #just putting my thoughts and feelings down #encouraging positivity for myself #and for anyone who needs it ❤️ #2024 i'm coming for you

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

This is a post about my list of media to watch/hear in the past/future. I'll put a cut here for the many people who justifably do not care about my list of media.

Guess what, everyone? I have, for the first time in over a year, knocked everything off my “to watch” and “to listen to” lists. Obviously, not everything in the world that I ever want to do. But everything that I’d started. Because I’d keep downloading stuff and starting it and then getting into other stuff and putting it on hold and filling up my working folders with it. Well, I spent the last couple of weeks determinedly avoiding starting anything new, so I could go back and finish the “on hold” things.

I'll put a cut here, just for the sake of the many, many people who justifiably do not give a shit about my list of media.

It was mostly a bunch of episodes of the Comedian’s Comedian podcast, which I enjoyed finally hearing. This podcast episode my brother did nearly a year ago, where he talks for two hours about his experiences in comedy and how he believes no one can “make it” in comedy without succumbing to the pressure to cut all their stuff up into tiny chunks for Tik-Tok and shit. It was fucking bleak. But I also downloaded episodes of that same podcast by a few other local comedians I’ve met, include two by the guys who run the local comedy night where I've performed; I listened to those last week too, and they were less depressing. They’re people who like comedy – that’s all I want, really. People around here who perform comedy and sound like they don’t fucking hate comedy.

So there was that. I finished off a few bits of Stewart Lee bootlegs (many of which are on YouTube, I did not realize until recently how many Stewart Lee bootlegs are on YouTube, that’s obviously a fair thing for me to mention because if he had a problem with bootlegs being out there I’m sure Lee could get them taken off YouTube, I will say that I’ve come to appreciate several of his shows far more after hearing the bootlegged versions than I did from the DVD version). Finished all the Lee and Herring stuff. Watched Taskmaster NZ season 4 (I meant to post about it and then I got busy with work and I don’t even think I did that – cliff notes are I didn’t quite agree with the people I’ve seen say it’s as good as season 2, but I did greatly enjoy it). Lots of little things.

I said months ago that once I finally get caught up on things, I’m going to start a new long audio thing. I made a post at the time listing all the things I was considering. The main candidates were/are: John Robins and Ellis James radio/podcasts, Peacock and Gamble podcast, the Adam and Joe things, Do the Right Thing podcast (see, I’m not exclusively into listening to two white guys talk to each other in a studio), and Pappy’s podcasts (there’s the Flatshare thing, but then there are also other things – look into what these are, then listen). I have also had Three Bean Salad recommended to me pretty hard.

I still don’t know which way I want to go – I’m leaning toward Pappy’s or Peacock and Gamble at this point. But I’ve decided not to make that decision yet, because I do have a couple of new things, but shorter things, that I want to start first.

I have all three seasons of Alan Partridge: From the Oasthouse downloaded, so that’s next on the agenda. A few years ago, I watched/heard all the Alan Partridge TV/radio things in chronological order: On the Hour, The Day Today, Knowing Me Knowing You radio show, Knowing Me Knowing You TV show, I’m Alan Partridge, Alpha Papa, Mid-Morning Matters, This Time. I enjoyed them to varying degrees – my biggest comment is that Mid-Morning Matters surprised me because I thought it would be a weaker thing, just a little internet show, but it ended up being one of the best, I thought, and Tim Key was fucking brilliant in it.

Anyway, I’ve never heard any of the other Alan Partridge things. And I’ve recently been told by a reliable source that this latest one is very very good. The three seasons combined are about 15 hours, so that’ll give me some time to decide what I next want to commit hundreds of hours of my life to.

I’ve also had John Finnemore’s Cabin Fever recommended to me quite a bit, and I’ve downloaded that recently too so I think I’ll do that after Alan Partridge. It’s 13 hours, not too long. I know very little of what to expect from that, but enough people whose tastes otherwise overlap with mine have told me it’s very good to make me interested. Also, I’d love to be a comedy fan who rejects the Oxbridge ilk for very good class solidarity reasons, but actually an annoyingly large number of my favourite comedians have been Footlights members, so I’ll probably love John Finnemore.

Anyway, on the subject of my obsession with listening to two white guys talk to each other in a studio, a bunch of weeks ago now I made a post about hearing the Lee and Herring radio show episodes that were broadcast live from Edinburgh in 1994, and how that was cool, a preservation of a bit of Edinburgh Festival history. And then I said that’s not the first time I’ve heard a radio-based audio diary of Edinburgh, as Russell Howard and Jon Richardson did their radio show from Edinburgh in 2007. And I’m sure there were lots of references there that went over my head at the time but that I would now appreciate as a person with an inexplicable obsession with 00s-era Edinburgh comedy. An audio diary of the Chocolate Milk Gang-era Edinburgh Festival from someone who was, at the time, a CMG member (has definitely squandered his cred since then, but Russell Howard was a fully paid-up member for a time). How have I not already combed through that in my efforts to gather and preserve every bit of information I can about CMG history?

I said I should re-listen to some of those episodes to see what references are in them, and then I didn’t do that, because obviously going through old radio show episodes looking for gossip is a waste of time when I have actual comedy/comedy analysis to listen to. But as I’ve just said, at this moment, I don’t have actual comedy to listen to. I finished all the old stuff and I haven’t started the new stuff yet, and I think I’ll keep it that way for a couple of days. Give my brain a short break from keeping track of everything on my lists before jumping into something new. Going back over old stuff doesn’t require the same focus, as my brain doesn’t obsessively insist that I hear/watch every single bit of it in order and file it in all appropriate places and check it all off on a spreadsheet as I go.

I realize I’m making this hobby that I truly love sound like a chore, and it isn’t that, my brain is just compulsive about always focusing on what’s “on my list”, so it’s nice to occasionally have breaks in the list. You see why I so enjoyed hearing the senselessly compulsive thought patterns of 2007-era Jon Richardson. That was a man who understood a list.

So anyway, I think I’ll do that tonight. It’s a long weekend, which I barely noticed last year when I was working from home anyway but those sure seem like a bigger deal when I have to be out of the house for 9-10 hours on weekdays. I’ve got Thanksgiving dinner with family tonight, and then I think I’ll listen to some old things. I’ll let you all know if I discover anything exciting.

[irklove]

I stopped watching the series a long time ago because I couldn't stand it anymore and I really don't regret anything.

I haven't seen a single episode of the S5 and I don't need to, and I must admit that most of what I know I've gotten from spoilers, leaks and talking to people who are up to date. But I can affirm Adrien and Marinette are increasingly bad and one-dimensional characters.

THEY ARE the reason I got tired of this show.

I mean, just look at at how the writers characterize them and what their priorities are in their lives.

I don't even know why they're superheroes in the first place because all they care about is being in a romantic relationship. Their lives and their mental and emotional health depend on it.

Just look at them. Adrien has no dreams, goals or objectives in his life as revealed in Wishmaker, under the excuse that Gabriel is an abusive man who controls everything in his life and doesn't let him make decisions. However in S5 Adrien himself revealed that his biggest wish and desire is to be with LaDyBuG. To then magically fall in love with Marinette, directing his toxic, annoying and obsessive behavior he had with LB towards Marinette. He doesn't care about anything or anyone around her other than his Maribug. Absolutely nothing. His mother has been missing for many months and he doesn't give a damn about getting her back or knowing her whereabouts. And he doesn't mind talking to his father about this situation either. He is not proactive unless it is about the lOvE oF hIs LiFe. Adrien is a character that makes me cringe every time I see him, who only exists so that the viewers feel sorry for their shitty life and nothing more. But that don't work on me.

And Marinette? She's always been a poorly written character imo, but in S4 and 5 everything goes to hell with her. I know that many Mari stans are happy because she finally got Simpdrien to fall in love with her, however her character is objectively pathetic. She goes into depression very often because of her superhero work (as if she DOESN´T really like bening LB) and she has been about to be akumatized several times, and almost always because she can't be in a romantic relationship WITH A BOY. This has happened in Chamaelon, Chat Blanc, and in S4 and S5.

And really, I can't take this girl seriously. How can she fall in and fall out in love so easily? We have seen her attracted to Adrien, then she is attracted to Luka, then Adrien again, falls in love with Cat Walker, then in S5 she magically falls in love with Chat Noir and rejects Adrien because of CN, and then decides to get over to CN to be with Adrien again. WTF?

How many times the writers imply that the fact that they're Ladybug and CN is a burden for them that prevents them from being happy? I even think in some spoilers they went as far as to give up their miraculous so they could be together. It's like, see? It's literally the ONLY shit they care about.

I can't bear what the main characters have become, and even less bear the idea that the show undeservedly gives them the titles of being "good people and the best heroes" when both Adrien and Marinette are the most shallow, selfish characters of their own series.

#ml salt #ml critical #adrien salt #marinette salt #ml #mlb

[mdhwrites]

So I know you adore Amphibia, have flaws with Owl House, and only saw the first episode and three parter series finale for Gravity Falls, but ever see the other two of the big 5 story driven Disney cartoons with DuckTales 2017 and Star vs the Forces of Evil? Thoughts on them?

I don't think I've EVER seen an episode of Ducktales. It looks like a lot of fun from the clips I've seen, just never have happened into watching any or getting sat down to watch it. Also in general, I'm slow about watching television, even if I'm trying to get better about trying new media.

Star Vs. I believe went that I saw the first season with my brother, enjoyed it, was REALLY rooting for Marco and Jackie because I think their relationship was honestly really cute and I thought they had way better chemistry than Star and Marco, watched a little of S2 and then my busy life and depression made me drop off. Then my brother told me about the clusterfuck that show becomes and the BS ending to Marco and Jackie's relationship and any interest in picking it back up died there.

I don't really have any critical thoughts about Star Vs. It's a very good concept for what many would perceive as a reverse isekai, an other worldly being coming to us, with lots of charm and fun in the time I spent with it. I think the biggest issue I had with it was that while it was fun, I didn't ever really grab onto anyone besides Marco. Star is a little too brain dead at times, a lot of the side characters are either underutilized or kind of boring/annoying to me (I straight up did not like Pony Head because she's just not the sort of character I usually like as an example.) None of it was actually bad, a lot of it came down to personal taste and that's okay, kind of like how personal taste made me bounce off of Steven Universe pretty hard when I tried an episode of it.

I think, and this might not be comprehensive, that if you want a full list of shows I've seen in the past seven years, since there were a few years where I didn't watch anything, it would be: One Punch Man S1

My Hero Academia S1-3

Wednesday

The Owl House

Amphibia

The Ghost and Molly McGee S1

A good chunk of Komi Can't Communicate, at least S1

...And that might be it? When I moved out of my parent's place, I kind of just stopped watching most stuff. Part of that was being busy, part of that is that I tend to overthink stuff when I watch professionally scripted content so I prefer streams and Youtube. There's also stuff I've probably seen an episode or two of here and there, especially when I last lived with my parents for half a year, but nothing I stuck with too well. It's kind of why I want some recommendations for what to watch now that I've finished Amphibia, or what might be coming out soon because honestly I'd LOVE to join at the start of a fandom and hope that helps motivate me to get more writing done.

Sorry for the potentially disappointing answer admittedly. I'm trying to do more, get my brain to be okay with sitting for 20 minutes like that and chill, but it'll be a process after so long.

======+++++======

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

[sickly-stitches]

1-35your evil:)

First of all *you're Second of all maybe this was my plan all along

What is your nickname? Willa IS a nickname - it's derived from my last name. Apart from that I have 7 nicknames.

When is your birthday? 6th of August!! Just had it - and it ended up being a weeklong event :D

What was your longest relationship? My current one, which is almost a year and a half.

What is your favorite book? Loveless by Alice Oseman

What is something you're insecure about? Hmmm, my weight/size. Been bullied for it since I was like 4 😭

5 Male celebrity crushes I don't get crushes, I tried to answer but everytime I was just listing guys I know

5 Female celebrity crushes Again I dont get crushes but I will never turn down a movie with Florence Pugh

What is your dream job? I simply don't dream of labour. I would like to run a queer cafe that doubles with free sex ed info. I also wouldnt mind doing ASMR as a career I just don't have the tools really.

What do you consider your biggest accomplishment? Uhmm, being happy.

What is a fact about you that nobody would believe? There was a few years where I was somewhere on the goth/emo spectrum. I don't think it's particularly shocking but I've very quickly gotten a reputation for being a pink princess so...

What were your highs and lows for this last month? Highs - I got a huge plushie the size of my body, heartstopper s2, shopping spree, the Barbie movie Lows - a whole heap of medical shit relating to me and ppl im close with, depressive episodes, burying my cat

Where is somewhere you'd like to visit? I'm honestly not a travel person, I guess I wouldn't mind diving somewhere though.

How do you de-stress? Yoga, sunbathing, baking, crochet, gay things, making art, and reading.

What are your favorite apps besides tumblr? Gratitude Journal, PocketLove and MyPossibleSelf. Social media wise I don't mind Pinterest and Insta but there are almost always things I don't wanna see showing up on my dash.

Describe yourself in one sentence. Hot<3

What do you think makes you attractive? Stomach, thighs and shoulders. I've also been told my worldview is v attractive.

What is something you're really good at? Self love babey.

What is something you're really bad at? Baking red velvet cake.

A time that you told a lie. I lie when asked if there's anything that could prevent me from doing xyz.

What's a totally random and useless fact that you know? Nico Di Angelo smells like stone after rain.

Who knows you the best? My boyfriend.

What is your most prized possession? My phone - it has hundreds of photos I wouldnt be able to replace, poetry, songwriting, journalling and its how I stay in contact with long-distance friends and old school/work friends.

What is your longest friendship? Man idk. Friendships often dip, almost all of my friends have had a few years where we weren't friend inbetween things.

When did you first feel like an adult? I felt like an adult before I was ever allowed to feel like a kid so like. always.

Do you/ Have you played any sports? So many! Soccer, touch football, dance (various types), figure skating, I tried boxing once, karate. Currently I don't play sports, I'm more of a yoga, pilates and skateboarding kinda guy.

How are you feeling right now? Kinda in-between. Don't feel completely zoned in-

Are you an early bird or a night owl? Early bird.

Do you believe in love at first sight? Yes, because there's about a thousand kinds of love.

Favorite song lyrics right now? "sexy girl come and lay with meeee, im frustrated and its sexually" from Sexy Drug - Falling in Reverse. It's such a good song to scream the lyrics to

What does self care look like for you? It entirely depends on the day - it can be watching a film, going on a walk, buying a little treat, dressing up fancy or some form of working out.

Describe yourself with 3 singers. Taylor Swift, Melanie Martinez, Doja Cat.

What makes you nervous? Pretty people.

What’s a pet peeve you have? People that are mean to be funny.

What will always make you cry? Show Me Going from Brooklyn Nine Nine, also Grimace being sad and never wanting to have a birthday again bc of the grimace shake trend :[ Tearing up rn thinking about it.

What kind of first impression do you think you make on people? It's literally never the same impression. I feel like shy and quiet is probably the main one but sometimes it'll be loud and chaotic, charmismatic and funny, I've also gotten told I'm confident a lot which is wild.

#ask game #crystalqueerenby #this took like. an hour or so

[imminentinertia]

A Very Personal Best (And Worst) Of 2022

I'm not really one who does summaries at New Year's but this has been A Year so.

Long story short, I have a depressive disorder and crashed quite a bit in the spring, and I usually self-medicate with obsessive re-reading of classics (don't ask me how many times I've read Persuasion) and watching TV. Yes, I also do proper medication and such. Anyway. The last time I was getting myself through a depressive episode I watched unbelievably many hours of various restorations (even some Baumgartner, who's painfully unprofessional) and history shows. This time I apparently opted for things with a narrative instead.

I.e. live action BL.

Oh lordy lord, it's been A Year for certain

Biggest surprise

Back in April I went "Oh, it seems Thailand has managed to make a live action BL that looks fun. Maybe I should watch an episode"

...the first episode hit me about as hard as Porsche kicks, I'm still not okay in the slightest

Is KinnPorsche The Series full of flaws? Sure. Is it nonetheless the most fun I've had watching a TV show since, oh, 2010 or so with BBC's absurd Robin Hood (featuring biker aesthetic Guy of Gisbourne and a delightful sheriff of Nottingham)? Is the acting gorgeous? Is the cinematography gorgeous?

Oh yes.

Since live action BL evidently had come some way since I last had a look I dipped further into it. Which lead to:

Best TV show not necessarily airing in 2022 but that was when I watched it

We Best Love. And it really shouldn't be. On paper, it ticks so many of the boxes that made me rage-stop reading BL years ago: unmotivated rivalry, pissy hothead uke, the page boy trope, the i-saw-you-years-ago-and-we-are-meant-to-be trope (this is one I absolutely hate), unnecessary conflict, you name it it was in there.

And it works.

It works partly because director Ray Jiang doesn't work everything into the ground. The unnecessary conflict grows much less unnecessary. The unmotivated rivalry finds a bit of motivation and it gets resolved, which also handles the uke trope. The meant-to-be shit doesn't get rubbed into the audience's faces (okay, my face specifically). It's elegant. It's well paced. There's none of the clobbering the audience with the trope sledgehammers. It's a gentle trope massage where you (well, I) end up losing quite a bit of your (well, my) loathing of the tropes.

The rest of the reason why WBL works so marvellously well is Sam Lin and Yang Yu Teng, whose chemistry puts most other screen couple chemistries in the history of screen couples to shame. They electrify the show, in every scene they have together.

Extra kudos to WBL for underwater scenes that aren't threadbare kisses.

and also

Best throwback to when the world was fresh and new and I hadn't tired of the classic yaoi tropes

Minato Shouji Coin Laundry. I just liked the colours on the posters I saw before it started airing, thinking this looks like it has a cinematography I tend to find very beautiful, so I gave it a go.

The script is basically a list of tropes I don't enjoy, though. Including "I have loved you at a distance for a fuckton of years so clearly we're supposed to be together", fuck off already, the only thing worse than that shit is "we were lovers in another life so clearly we can't go looking elsewhere but have to be together in this".

I loved every minute of it.

That almost annoys me, but everything is just so toned down beautiful, the kind of colouring where you can almost taste the air, and I'm so easy when it comes to appealing cinematography. I'm also evidently terribly easy when I really like what the cast gets out of annoying characters. I'd like to punch Minato for being a waffling wibbling overgrown child but I adore him because Takuya Kusakawa does an amazing job playing him. I'd like to punch the seme looming out of Shin but I adore him because Sho Nishigaki does an amazing job playing him.

I'll reluctantly admit that it dragged on a bit, but it was pretty all the time.

I don't really do things halfway so I've been catching up on the last few years and various milestone BLs. In some cases it was a slog, in others a delight (Between Us, The Eclipse, Color Rush, Choco Milk Shake, Old Fashion Cupcake, Utsukushii Kare, I Told Sunset About You, Semantic Error, A Man Who Defies The World Of BL, Big Dragon, do I count His or is that too arthouse? and more).

Which brings me to

Worst realisation as I looked at my Completed list on MDL just now

MyDramaList says I've watched 240 hours worth of BL/queer films and shows in 2022. I'm. What. How. Okay, I often watch a 45 minute episode of something before going to bed, and there's been a binge watch or ten, but. HOW.

Aaaand I still have some catching up to do and it would be really nice to find time to watch the second season of Alice in Borderland too.

#about me

[berrychanx]

I'm so happy because there is someone like you who love tokyo mew mew that much!! If i may to ask .can u share us lilbit story since when u became addict of tmm?why y you love this series.Since you're now the biggest one i think. berry and hika are like ikumi and reiko🥲 two name that attached very well to tmm fans. I hope both of u are surrounded by happiness and goes on to share about tmm!

I was planning on saving the Q&A for my birthday (which will happen very soon - august 1st)

👉👈 What an honor

I became addicted to TMM/MMP back in 2007,when it started airing around PT, reason why was simple, the previous 2 years I was victim of bullying (I asked teachers for help but they were tol afraid to do anything because the bullies parents) but then the following yeaf I've re-met an childhood friend we were lucky to be in the same school and class again, one day i got a phone ca from her to turn on the tv on canal panda and watch this "cartoon" called MMP, she convinced me by saying how the "geek girl" (lettuce was described as a geek by 4kids) resembled me in every way, shy, soft spoken, glasses... Bullied... And how friendship made her face her fears. I was immediately hooked, I too had overcomed my bullies, i too had found friends once again.

That was the main aspect that made love TMM, the characters struggles were realistic (every girl had real life struggles besides the magical issues)

Also i was always a fan of wildlife.. So it being a environmental anime with magical girl aspects was everything I ever wished for. Animals, environmental message, magical girls... I was thrilled from that moment one it felt like TMM/MMP was the light at the end of a dark tunnel.

Then... It all quickly ended.. No "season 2" thanks to 4kids, i got on the internet and google mew mew power episode 25,that was when i learned this wasn't a cartoon but an anime, in fact all of my childhood favorites were Anime... I immediately started looking for the rest of the episodes and wanted to learn more, quickly I've found Hika and other forums and thought to myself.. I wanna help them, i wanna be able to support hika and this fandom.

My original channel is long gone, I've been helping hika since almost the beginning with translations and i used to do so many tmm videos (which are all gone 😭 it was only a couple of years ago that i joined tumblr and started helping hika with scans)

And that's it

Tokyo Mew Mew resonated with me in a personal level cause it appeared at the right time, at the right moment, it helped me stay away from dark thoughts (been dealing with heavy depression and suicidal thoughts since i was 7 yo)

And once again when i was finding myself in a dark place, TMM re-appeared with a new manga sequel and a remake. It's been there for me and that's why i have such a great attach to this series.

#tokyo mew mew #mew mew power #manga #anime #tokyo mew mew new #ichigo momomiya #mia ikumi #mew ichigo #Berrychanx #berrychanx answers

[doodleybugg]

i. apologize for the inactivity guys. i had a rlly bad episode recently and although im back rn i can't promise how long i'll stay JDBDHD

ANYWAYS how about we have a little update? (triggering topics such as sh, ed, etc descriptions will be in red, bold text! i'll try to keep most of the negative stuff at the bottom but no promises :/)

so i forget how long i've been gone exactly, i remember logging in some rare occasions to like and reblog a couple posts but otherwise i've been extremely M.I.A (pun very much intended) and honestly that's been a bit stressful for me.

i've had a LOT of drama in classes. yeah that's right, ya girls in uni now! and i am failing SO BAD. it's rlly hard going to school everyday, like i hate it i just wanna go back to working at a shopping mall or smth lol. but hey the map of my cities kinda set up well, being the uni is right next to a lake, and on the other side is a parking lot w mcds, circle k, chatime, etc. and next to the parking lot, like legitimately across the street, is my house. i moved back in with my mom cuz rent was getting too steep, and honestly id rather be on the streets lol

probably the biggest update ihave; i'm a did system. i got the diagnosis early december, and with a shit ton of research and help from friends who have the disorder because the doctors are no help, i'm getting comfy with the label.

if you're not sure what did (disassociative identity disorder) is, it's basically a disorder which defines the presence of two or more different persons in your mind, alike to multiple personality disorder. again, i'm not a professional, and you'd think my doctor would have given me a run down on why it meant before he diagnosed be but here's how it went:

me: hey, so i haven't looked much into the subject, but my one friend who has did was telling me about their experiences and they lined up with a lot of mine. i think i might want to go about being tested

doc: mia. you don't need to get tested, it's already in your file. we've spoken about this before?

me: ...i don't think we have?

doc:

me: so you're saying you diagnosed me with did and didn't even tell me about it?

doc: well, at least you're aware now, right?

yeah. so that's two doctors i've gone through in the past three years. i didn't throw a stressball at this one, but fuck i wanted too!!

anyways, i guess i should introduce some of my alters :)

i'm mia (she.they.fae.), the host and little, i identify with how the body looks.

enzekai (he.they.it) is the co-host and caretaker, as well as the first alter i purposefully made. kai has many sources, but his main is actually an oc of mine, cairo!

and dwelle (it.she.boo) is our resident trauma holder and nonhuman. she formed recently while i was splitting and hasn't had much time in the front. her main sources are casper from girl in pieces and cassie from skins.

i'll give everyone a better intro but i'll save that for another post!

i have gotten absolutely zero progress done in my book, the toll it takes, and i find it harder and harder to write anything but immensely sad poetry anymore. on the rare occasions i can make up some headcanons but i don't think i'll be able to write any (good) fanfics for a while now, sorry

okay, onto the bad stuff. if anything listed is triggering or unappealing, please don't read ahead: ed (anorexia), sh (cutting, self sabatoge), anxiety and depressive thoughts, suicide mentions, death mentions, and otherwise explanations of feelings like abandonment and lonliness that while, in retrospect wasn't nearly as bad as i thought so, can still be upsetting just to read.

you've been warned

recently, as mentioned above, i've just gotten out of an episode; a bad one. by gotten out of, i mean i've attached myself to select people and depend entirely on them to keep me from self harming or starving. and that's completely unfair, so i've been trying to recover. my friend @my-elysian-love is helping me immensely to eat full meals and reminding myself that i don't deserve what i think i do. i'm so eternally grateful and i can never repay any of them back <3

before my choice to try recovering though, it was getting worse. i weighed 68 pounds at 19 years old. a couple nights ago, i've cut deeper than i ever have before, and i've been stuck with this sinking feeling in my stomach that i can't quite explain. i took out all my bad feelings on people i knew and loved, and when they finally held healthy boundaries and left me to my own devices so i couldn't hurt them, i took everything out on myself. i know, real remus lupin move haha.

but that wasn't fair. and even now i still feel bad, i still hate myself for what i said and did, for how i acted and it scares me how easily people are forgiving me. because i said some messed up shit while i was splitting, and that's not an excuse. and i just keep thinking it's only a matter of time before i blow up again, and maybe i'll be worse next time. maybe people won't come back, and i can't honestly blame them because i'm fucked. and as scared as i am, i'm grateful. or maybe it's just selfish. selfish because i just hate when nobodies around for me to love, to love me back. but i'm still terrified. it's hard to change up my thinking, but i'm trying. i'm trying rlly hard and i just hope that it's enough.

i'm a couple hours clean for self harm, and yesterday i didn't technically eat a full meal like i was supposed too (my older sister got mad at me and wouldn't let me eat anything). i had multiple cookies, a fruit roll up, two cups of tea, a packet of uncooked ramen noodles, a bite of a chicken finger and also i drank water! just water! for the first time in a while.

i hate that it took me fighting with everyone i loved to the point where i didn't even need to push them away anymore, they went willingly, and having multiple panic attacks in public restrooms to finally start on the road to recovery. it is so fucking hard, it's really hard. but fuck, it's worth it to see my friends happy. to not detect worry in their eyes and to believe it when @my-elysian-love says they love me (again i'm so sorry for spamming you aaa). it's worth it to finally eat cinnamon buns again, and drink tea with real sugar, not cal free sweetener. i get a shit ton less headaches cuz i don't constantly need to count cals anymore, and i haven't passed out of dehydration in 2 whole days. ik people without eds are probably like "wtf is this bitch on about?" and that's what i'm talking about. recovery is never the same as sobriety, but it's the next best thing. and i might still struggle with my body or cover up with baggy clothes sometimes but at least i'm alive to do so. cuz a while ago i was too close to death.

i attempted to kill myself again. this time by starving and eating a buncha pills. i'm lucky cuz it didn't work, and i'm still alive. i can only think of what would've happened if it didn't work. if the last. thing i did was tell someone i loved and cared about that i didn't care if they were dead. that the last thing i did was get mad at them for feeling for someone else the same way i felt for them. yk, bpd moments ✨. but i'm glad i lived to apologize and now i'm trying to recover. and ig that's all the updates i have rn

[morgana96]

I wanna create so much.

I have so many original story, fanfic, video, and art ideas, and they're constantly circulating around in my head. And I want so badly to share them with others. Yet I struggle to sit down and focus long enough to actually make them into content.

I've always had an issue with focus. It would regularly cause trouble for me throughout school, resulting in missing assignments and meeting deadlines at the last minute. And as I've gotten older, it's become a hindrance on my ability to find work, enjoy my hobbies, and even maintain several basic routines.

It's this lack of focus, among other things, that have led me to seek psychiatric help, as I've been suspecting that these ongoing issues of focus, distraction, and procrastination could potentially be undiagnosed ADHD.

The first practice I visited wasn't a great experience; it was in a building that looked abandoned from the outside, and I honestly thought I had the wrong address at first. I felt the psychiatrist there wasn't really listening to me when I tried to explain my symptoms to him; he insisted that ADHD would be more "obvious", though I have no idea what he meant by that and he didn't bother to explain. He also insisted it was more likely Bipolar Disorder - and while ADHD and BD do share some symptoms, I was NOT experiencing the more specific symptoms of BD (episodes of mania/depression, moodiness, suicidal thoughts, etc).

One of the biggest red flags was that he ended up prescribing me three medications by the end of the meeting, which hardly lasted more than half an hour or so. It seemed like a lot for someone who had never even seen a psychiatrist before, and I couldn't understand how I would be able to tell what was working if I was on three different medications immediately. And when I called the office the next day to voice this confusion, I didn't even get to speak directly to the psychiatrist; just the person who answered the phone, who stated they told the psychiatrist how I was feeling without really helping me with my concerns.

After a few days, as well as discussing the matter with my mom and a close friend who has dealt with similarly uncomfortable psychiatric situations, I decided to seek a different psychiatrist. There were simply too many signs that the first psychiatrist wasn't going to be a good fit. I also ended up taking only one of the three medications - a non stimulant used to treat ADHD. It was several weeks before I felt any sort of change, but I did feel I was able to focus and work more than usual. It was very slight, but it was better than I'd felt in a long time.

The second practice I went to was an incredibly better experience. It was a virtual appointment, and the woman who saw me listened in detail about my symptoms, feelings, and how the focus issues have affected me throughout the years. She explained the differences between ADHD and Bipolar Disorder with much more clarity than the first psychiatrist, and after thorough questioning, she felt my symptoms were closer to ADHD. Since I noted a slight improvement in my focus on the one medication I did take, she represcribed that one at a slightly higher dosage, to see if the symptoms improved anymore. She also suggested I get an EKG in order to determine if a stimulant medication would be safe to test out.

I've only been on the higher dosage medication for a few days, so I likely won't see any results for a bit. But I'm hopeful. I'm tired feeling dissapointed in myself for failing to accomplish my own dreams and desires. I want so badly to be able to focus. To be able to do all the things I want and need to do. And hopefully in the near future, I'll be able to do all that and more.

#Personal #Mental Health #Writing #Drawing #FanFiction #Art

[starryoong]

|— ୨|୧ [ get to know me tag ] ୨|୧ —|

tagged by @bbyquokka (thank you !!) ‹3

1. Birthday?

October 16th!

2. Favorite color?

green and brown, especially sage/olive shades and a good earthy brown... mmm yes

3. How tall are you?

164cm (again, shut up snowy, I will jump up and bite your ass.)

4. How many pair of shoes to you own?

hmm, three? a pair of trainers, a pair of winter ish boots and my trusty pair of slippers.

5. Favorite song?

I always answer these with my current one, so Treacherous (Taylor's version) by Taylor Swift! One of my two favourites by her.

6. Favorite movie?

I honestly don't know? I haven't watched a movie in so long because my attention span goes feral.

7. Who would be your ideal partner?

someone who would challenge me, but still be a comfort place. I'm gonna be real sappy and say that Binnie would fit the role..

8. Do you want children?

nope, I've never wanted them ever since I was a wee kindergartener. It's just never been something I've wanted?

9. Have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nope.

10. What color socks are you wearing?

grey wool socks with little black moose on them hihi

11. Favorite type of music?

My favourites are definitely indie (especially scottish indie, take Vansleep for example, my beloved) and generally I find myself leaning more into anything that has solid rhythm sections, especially bass lines. There's just something about a bangin bass line, man..

12. How many pillows do you sleep with?

Usually one, but since I tend to move a lot, I fold it so it's double if it's not the right™️ height haha.

13. What position do you sleep in?

99% of the time I end up on my stomach with one of my legs up in some angle. Yes, I am aware that I'm very attractive.

14. What don’t you like when you’re sleeping?

I get so fucking stressed if there's movement or blinking lights around me when I'm trying to relax.

15. Have you tried archery?

no, but I wish!

16. Favorite fruit?

peaches <3

17. Are you a good liar?

depends? I don't like lying, but I also don't get the point in being brutally honest all the time if it's a taste thing and it doesn't really matter? Idk

18. What’s your personality type?

INFJ-T (twinning with bestie Aragorn hihi)

19. Innie or outie?

innie

20. Left or right handed?

right

21. Favorite food?

I like sushi and taco a completely normal amount. I vibe with food as long as it's not too spicy or hot (temperature-wise) and the textures are right™️

22. Favorite foreign food?

Sushi and taco, hehe

23. Are you clean or messy?

Usually? A very clean person. I love cleaning and tidying as it calms my anxiety, but when I hit my depressive episodes? Yeah, you can easily spot it from the state of my apartment.

24. Most used phrase?

slay

25. How long does it take you to get ready?

usually like 5-15 minutes?

26. Do you talk to yourself?

not really? not unless I'm really scared and have to physically remind myself of my checklists etc

27. Do you sing to yourself?

all the time.

28. Are you a good singer?

idk? I used to sing in choirs and weekly one-on-one training from 4/5 to 16, but I'm pretty rusty these days. I have a goal to join a choir again this year 🤞🏻

29. Biggest fear?

two potentially very triggering topics that I'm not gonna air out on the internet. oh and also eels. cannot stand the fuckers.

30. Are you a gossip?

oh god, I hate gossip culture so much. I come from a town where everybody knows everybody and I hate it.

31. Long or short hair?

short

32. Favorite school subject?

norwegian, english and psychology

33. Extrovert or introvert?

a massive introvert ;-;

34. What make you nervous?

anything involving people. the fact that I am an adult supposedly able to take care of myself when I feel like a traumatised eight-year-old still.

35. Who was your first crush?

I didn't really do crushes, but I remember wanting to be paul waaktaar-savoy so bad

36. How many piercings do you have?

none right now! I've had my nostrill, septum, vertical medusa, medusa, smiley and earlobes pierced before, but I took them all out to heal last year. I wanna start fresh this year, bridge and some ear piercings are on the list.

37. How many tattoos do you have?

I've genuinely lost count.. A lot <3

38. How fast can you run?

very slowly.

39. What color is your hair?

a weird mix of semi-blonde, brown and my natural brown-blonde-grey ish colour.. idk man.

40. What color are your eyes?

blue/grey

41. What makes you angry?

mostly societal injustice. atm, I'm fucking fuming at the national healthcare system in my own country for refusing to offer non-binary folks help because we're not "trans enough".

42. Do you like your name?

I feel disconnected from both my deadname and my new name. Slowly unpacking that with my therapist. Starry feels more like a safe space though.

43. Do you want a boy to girl as a child?

I don't want children, but if I were to have one - it would honestly not matter. I would try to treat them as genderlessly as I could until they could choose for themselves, so it genuinely doesn't matter.

44. What are your strengths?

right now, I don't feel like I have any tbh. but normally, I think I try my best to make people feel seen and heard?

45. What are your weaknesses?

we're not gonna open that door right now

46. What’s the color of your bedspread?

white with brown/red lines

47. What’s the color of your room?

where I am now, white. in my apartment, light grey.

I'm too tired to tag anyone right now, but feel free to say I tagged you if you want to do this! 🫶🏻

#tag games #about me

[colby-k]

A New Start

This past July, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I've had for about a year and a half. It wasn't a bad breakup. It was just for some stupid reasons. The biggest was that he thought I was treating him as a convenience. It was just convenient that he was giving me a place to stay. It was just convenient that I had him to drive me places or pay for things when I couldn't. It was just convenient.

I didn't look at it that way. For me, it was that I got to stay with him, that he wanted me there. He told me that he didn't mind driving me when I needed it, so I didn't worry about it as much. He didn't view it as I did. So, because it was a one-way street, we broke up. It hurt so much. I was crying for so long. It was the most difficult breakup of my life.

When I left his house the night we got into a fight, the first person I called was Glenn, a friend who I met when I worked at Jersey Mike's. We became very close and I talked to him almost every day. I FaceTimed him while I was driving (I set my phone on my lap and kept my eyes on the road, don't worry) and talked to him the whole way to my aunt's place and for the rest of the night. He helped me through the initial hurt and I was so grateful for him.

At that time, Glenn and I did not know our relationship would grow into friends with benefits. We were just coworkers who became very good friends. But it always felt more than that. I'm not sure what it was but I've always thought there was something between us that would turn into more. I knew he had had a crush on me since we started working with each other. I just laughed it off and turned it into a joke, though.

Once he and I both quit Jersey Mike's, we started hanging out more and more. As I got to know him, I realized how well he and I go together. It was like we were matched by the gods of Jersey Mike's.

He soon became one of my best friends. Along with talking every day, he quickly learned how to deal with my problems. For example, after having at least two seizures around him at work, I've also had seizures while we were hanging out. Now he knows the signs before I have a seizure. He knows how to handle things when I have a seizure. He knows how to take care of me after I have one. He's amazing.

Another example of him dealing with my problems is when I had a depressive episode. It was so bad that I truly and honestly wanted to end my life. He was there with me the whole time doing what he could to help me get better. He talked to me the whole time. He said the right things. He made me feel loved even though he and I hadn't said "I love you" yet. He was silent when I needed quiet. He just knew what to do, and I couldn't thank him enough. I know that, if I didn't have Glenn there, then I wouldn't have started to feel better so quickly.

There are other things that Glenn does or he and I do that make me so happy. When we cuddle, it's like I'm feeding an addiction because whenever I'm not with him it's like I crave his presence. I know it's a cliche, but it's true.

He fills me with so much happiness. I want to be the best person for him. I do everything I can to help him when he needs it. Winter tends to have a negative effect on Glenn. It just makes him depressed and not an active soul. Recently he had an episode that tore me to pieces. He was so upset. He was crying and putting himself down. I talked to him to calm him down and listened to him when he needed to vent. I told him that I wished I could have made it all better for him, and he told me that he appreciates me and that he loves me.

Saying those three words came quick for us. I'm not sure why, but it just felt natural for us to say them that early in our relationship, about 2 1/12 months in. I've had a few people criticize me about it, but I say "fuck 'em." People can think what they want. They don't know our relationship. Only we do, and only we can decide what we want for us. For the last few years, after I learned not to care about what people thought of my relationships, this became a core belief. It helped me come to terms with it being MY relationship, not THEIR relationship. Remember that.

Glenn is just a superb person. Even my grandma said to hold onto him. This boy even takes my garbage out for me. The other day he came over to my house. He did almost everything I said I needed to do, everything in his capacity. It was so sweet and I don't think that he realizes how much I notice the little things about him. I love the different ways he says "I love you." It can be in a romantic tone, a sexual tone, or an "Okay I love you too. Now, let me go to the bathroom." He gets excited over the smallest things, too. It's adorable. I've never had a man who was into military airplanes, so that's new.

A lot of this stuff is new to me, and I'm still trying to process it in a healthy way. I'm working on it with my therapist, though, and it's coming together. Glenn is a new beginning. He's a new start.

#new stuff #new start #blog post #lifestyle blog #tumblog #writerslife #writing and such #writing and stuff #writing #writing and editing #writer things #writerscorner #writerscommunity

[yung-goos]

Rambles 0.2

Been meaning to get my thoughts down, just.. everything seems so overwhelming. Since the last lil ramble post, I was still wallowing in my a long overdue depressive episode for a bit. Still am? I guess. Mindset seems clear...er. And since then things have started to make a little bit more sense. I guess it all started after my mushroom trip, which was so nice btw. A lot of dancing to no music, remembering how good it feels to move. Realizing things all make sense in motion. Kind of went into this whole inner reflection on awareness, and being aware. And that being aware requires being committed to honesty. Since then... jesus. I've noticed how much people aren't honest not only with others but with themselves? Including me, from time to time. The biggest example currently being my dad. He actually made me cry a week ago, tried gas-lighting me into thinking him describing someone as " being built like a house" is just that. "Describing". As if that isn't clearly insulting. Amongst other things, in that moment it made me realize what I've kind of had to endure growing up. People making me doubt my own feelings, the way I think, telling ME how EYE feel, and being all around rude and mean for no reason at all, regardless if it was directed at me or not. It’s exhausting. I can't explain to someone who seems proud to be an asshole how hard it is being around someone so mean. I really I can't appeal to someones sense of empathy when that someone is committed to overcoming and running away from their feelings 24/7... Realizing my dad might be a lost cause like my mom, whom I have cut all contact with years ago, wasn't something I was quite ready for. Spent so much time idealizing him growing up that I never took the time to see how he was also harming me. It was.. a lot, but I'm aware now. Which is nice but... can I live with my dad not being aware? I want to work on this... shit. Even with my mom, deep down. But is it wrong for me to want them to approach me about their bullshit for once? My sister and I have tried. We're grown. And now we're tired... Idk.

Other than that, life has been good. I'm receiving a big raise soon, like 6-8 bucks or so. Realllly happy about that, def excited to invest in myself and the ones around me a little bit this season. Excited to see what I'll be able to do going forward. And In my commitment to being honest, I've also decided its best I be more confrontational. Honesty depends on it. Trying to speak up more, say whats on my mind. Be open to being wrong, uncomfortable, even slighted or hurt. And I'm glad to say its been working!! Still very uncomfy tho but I'm getting there!!...

God my brain feels like goo... can't seem to think anymore so I'll cut it short. Theres more but I seriously can't type anymore. Bleh... Till next time

#rambles

[lesbianakaashi]

The Forgotten Shounen: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

This is not a “Why you should watch/read khr” or anything like that. This is just me going into the deep dive and throwing my findings at you. I’m making this because khr used to be my favourite series when I was 15 (I had plushees, posters, tradingcards, the art book etc) and now as an adult I constantly find myself baffled at how unknow it seems to be.

1. Okay first what is khr?

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or just Reborn! is a series by Akira Amano which was published in Weekly Shounen Jump from 2004 to 2012 (with 42 volumes) and got an anime adaption which run from 2006 to 2010 on Tv Tokyo (with 202 episodes and one OVA).

2. What’s it about?

Khr is a parody of the italian mafia and plays in a world where the mafia is heavily influencial. The protagonist is the japanese middle schooler Sawada Tsunayoshi who is known as “No good Tsuna” because of his failing grades, general weak and cowardly personality and weak physics.

He becomes aware of the mafia world when a 2 year old baby called Reborn arrives at his house claiming to be the greatest hitman and declaring himself his home tutor. Reborn was send by the 9th head of the Vongola famiglia who is ready to retire and looking for a new heir. Which of course, is supposed to be Tsuna and now it's Reborns job to shape him into a worthy sucessor.

Tsuna rejects the violence of the mafia world and refuses the position as the 10th. Thanks to Reborn and his general craziness Tsuna meets different people and starts to make real friendships. Reborn wants 6 of those friends to be Tsuna's future guardians, basically a group of people which will be closest to him in the vongola famiglia. Tsuna might have no interest in those positions but the friendships he builds with them become really precious to him.

Reborns arrivial also brings in the enemies of the Vongola family which leads to Tsuna being forced to engage in battles. Generally Tsuna openly avoids fights and prefers to run away but will put himself in danger for his friends' sake or because of something Reborn did.

Through out the series Tsuna matures and gains strenght but he never becomes a power fantasy. He's just a guy with many flaws who grows through the human connections he makes.

Personally I think the relationship between Reborn and Tsuna is one of the best student teacher reltaionships in all of manga only topped by Mob and Reigen from Mob Psycho 100. Especially the last arc really underlines their unique relationship to me.

Furthermore, khr offers a new and unique battle system: The flames. I'm not gonna go into to too much detail but the general idea is that one fights with their dying will flame which basically turns off your the savety switch so you can fight with everything you have. The flames are seperated into different categories such as: sky, storm, mist, rain, sun, lightning and cloud and have different attributes asigned to each one. Tsuna's use of the sky flame and his transformation when using it is still one of my favourite shounen transformations to this day.

3. What happened?

The series did really well and then not so well over the course of its serialisation. After the manga got an anime adaption it increased in populairty and video games, light novels, and other products such as CDs were created based on the series. Reborn is one of the best selling series of Weekly Shōnen Jump and has sold around 30 Million volumes overall. It was and still is very popular in Japan but rather unknown in the west.

According to the article "The Rise and Fall of Weekly Shonen Jump: A Look at the Circulation of Weekly Jump" khr was the 10th bestselling series in Weekly Shōnen Jump, with a total of 7 million copies sold in 2007.

This number increasing to 15 milion in 2008. Which placed khr into the 4th best selling series of 2008 in Japan.

Between 2008 and 2010 those sales declined but still kept strong with khr as the 6th top selling manga in 2009, 8th best selling in 2010 and then 24th best selling in 2012.

In November 2014, readers of the Da Vinci magazine voted khr number 17 on a list of Weekly Shōnen Jump's greatest manga series of all time.

After the anime came to an apprupt stop in 2010 for unknown reasons the manga sells took a visible hit. (Apparently the studio wanted to put the anime on halt because they were busy with other projects and give Akira Amano time to develop her story but I couldn't find any source for this claim) Furthermore, the rushed last chapters of the manga in 2012 declined the popularity of the series even more. There's no offical statement as to why the manga was ended in such a way but it's reasonable to assume that Jump either cut it considering the decreasing sales or Akira Amano choose to end it for personal reasons.

Nontheless, Tsuna not being included in Jump Force (a fighting game where you can play as different characters from Jump) in 2019 even tho he made it in earlier Jump Stars games also underlines the decreased interest in the series.

Rumors on a reboot or anime adaption of the last two arcs surface from time to time but are genereally unlikely. Artland the studio which made khr has gone bankrupt around 2015-2016. It might be taken on by another studio but rather uncommen especially with such an old series.

4. Art style

The khr anime ended over 10 years ago and the old art style might not be appealing to newer audiences.

Especailly because the anime adaption follows Akira Amanos old art style which heavily developed within the years. Here a picture comparing characters in the new art style:

A modern anime adaption in the new art style would be aesthetically pleasing. It would probably look similiar to Psycho Pass since Akira Amano did the concept art for this series.

(My personal art student hot take is that both art styles are unique and fun. Up to this day Akira Amano still has my favourite art style and even if the amount folds in the characters clothing is a little extreme I love it dearly.)

5. Criticism

The show is not without flaws and even if I greatly enjoy it it wouldn't be right not to adress them.

Daily Life Arc:

A lot of people view the first 20 to 25 episodes as fillers and quickly lose intererst in the series. This is due to the fact that Akira Amano inteded the series to be a gag manga and focuses the first chapters on world building, character introduction and comical narratives. It's rumored that the decision to develop the story into a battle shounen was made because the sales weren't doing well enough at first. So the first chapters/episodes may seem titidious but are necessary for the story and the development of the characters. The tonal shift from a more gintama like gag manga to a darker battle focused story can also be offputting to some viewers.

Either way a lot of people blame this arc when discussing why khr never got an english dub or didn't end up on Toonami. I've also read that the manga never finished serializing in the north america. However, it finished in other western languages like german and spanish.

Censoring:

The anime censors A LOT. From Gokudera's smoking habit, Yamamoto's whole character arc which deals with heavy themes such as depression and suicidal thoughts. The general bloodiness of the manga was censored and sometimes whole chapters and characters were left out even if those were important to the devolopment of others.

Filler episodes:

Out of the 202 episodes the anime has around 29 filler episodes which makes roughly 14 %.

Sexism:

Even if Reborn was written by a woman most female characters are rather flat and their storylines often tied to a male character in one way or another.

Genereal things:

Khr, like many other long running series, is sometimes criticised for a lack of world building or unpopular narrative choices.

6. Hope?

Khr isn't exactly dead. As stated before the series is still very popular in Japan and still gets new merch pretty regulary. There are also petitions floating around for a reboot or a new anime season but those never get a lot of traction. Furthermore #Reborn2期アニメ化 (#Reborn2ndAnimation) used to get some traction on twitter not too long ago. Last year the Anime News Network did a poll on which anime the readers would like to see a rebooot of and khr placed second.

Either way here's a collection of recent khr things I could find.

- In 2018 a new bluray set was released in north america

- The khr stage play reached yet another new season

- A mobile game was released last year

- Currently ongoing anime cafe event called "Concerto di Vongola"

- Last month there was an event with the former VAs and stage play actors where they discussed their favourite khr episodes.

- There has been an increase in blind reacts to the openings on youtube which might bring in a new fan base. The biggest one I could find had around 90k views and was made in 2019. On this note check out the soundtrack. The first openeing Drawing Days by SPLAY still makes me go insane (but I'm biased of course)

There also renewed hope for a new season/reboot because Shaman King, Inuyasha and Bleach got anounced for new seasons after a long hiatus. It's important to keep in mind that the circumstances for those series are differnt tho. For example bleachs new anime is often tied to the immense success of the gatcha game.

7. Conclusion

Khr is a series which used to be a flagship for Weekly Shounen Jump and is deeply beloved by it's fans, especially in Japan. It influenced other shounen series like bnha. It would be nice to see it gaining a bigger fanbase in the west :)

#khr #khr meta #anime analysis #shounen jump #katekyo hitman reborn #mirytalks #long post #manga