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thetomorrowshow · 4 years

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Slower Than Words Ch. 6

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I have suddenly found myself with the intense need to rearrange future chapters (of which there are currently five), so some things won’t happen in the same way--but hopefully better ways, if this works out! This shouldn’t delay any chapters lol.

cw: food mentions, panic, blood mention, unethical surgery/experiments (in the recent past)

Patton had eaten five meals, and Virgil still wasn't back yet. He tried to not panic. His ears and head still ached from whatever operation he'd went through—which he had suspicions about. Were they trying to make him hear? It hadn't worked, if that was it. And if so, were they currently trying to cure Virgil's blindness?

There wasn't much to do, without Virgil there. Patton walked around the room constantly, refusing to pull their book from under the pillow without Virgil there. He made up new signs to teach Virgil when he got back, one for 'hope' and another for 'out' and a third for 'free'. He washed his shirt in the sink, froze when he went to hang it on the unused bed and saw Virgil's hoodie already there. He completely broke down when the next meal arrived, still only one serving on the tray.

After the sixth meal, Patton just stopped. He couldn't imagine life without Virgil, so he just stopped everything. The seventh meal was pushed through the flap, but Patton couldn't find the motivation to get off the bed. He'd never felt this way before—even when Father had been taken, he'd continued to go about his life. He'd been rather disconnected for some time, but he hadn't just fallen apart like this.

What did Virgil mean to him? Patton tried to tell himself to grow up. Why was he this hung up over an Outsider? But Virgil wasn't just an Outsider, wasn't he? Virgil was . . . more. More than a friend, more than anyone in the Haven, more than the so-called 'Prophets' that led them. Virgil made him feel all funny in his stomach when he smiled, made him laugh with his wry looks, made Patton feel safe when he held him. Was that . . . love?

Then the eighth meal didn't arrive when it was supposed to. Patton wasn't sure how he knew that—some sixth sense, probably. It confused him, and just as he was sitting up, the door opened.

Two men dragged a soaked, pale body into the room, and it took Patton far too long to recognize his Virgil. The man was shaking, utterly convulsing, and had it not been for the look that one of the men—'Brother' Coleman, Patton thought snidely—leveled at him, Patton would have already been on the floor, holding Virgil close. Instead, he curled back onto the bed slightly, seeing the men laugh at his submission then leave the room, slamming the door behind them.

Patton dove to the ground and took Virgil by the shoulder, intending to wrap him in a hug. He pulled back as if he'd touched a stove when Virgil violently flinched away. He couldn't hurt him, not Virgil! Still, he needed Virgil to know he was safe. Patton took his wrist as gently as possible, slowly tracing his own name onto Virgil's arm. Virgil relaxed considerably, his mouth moving in the way that Patton knew formed his own name. His screwed-shut eyes relaxed, then his head slumped, his body slowly losing all the tension it had been holding. He was still shuddering, sending droplets of water every which way, but Patton assumed he was asleep.

I'm sorry, Virgil. He wasn't strong enough to pick Virgil up, despite being the larger one of the two. Father had never let him build muscles, always signing something about 'being seen as a threat' when Patton asked why. Instead, he eased Virgil out of his sopping t-shirt and jeans and stripped the two blankets from the bed, wrapping him in them instead. For the moment, he left the sopping clothes on the floor as he brushed Virgil's wet hair out of his face. The man's hair had grown too long in the months they'd been captive, almost curling around his shoulders. Virgil's forehead was far too hot (the rest of his body clammy and cold) and Patton could have cried—was crying, because this was the only person who cared about him, the only person he cared about, and he could be dying! They'd hurt Virgil, those monsters, doing it in the name of some stupid religion!

Patton's eyes burned, but he pushed aside his roiling feelings in favor of easing a pillow under Virgil as he noticed how his head was bumping up and down as he shook. Virgil needed his help, and being upset about something he couldn't control wouldn't help him.

Patton gently took Virgil's hand, slowly caressing his knuckles. The man stayed asleep, though the line between his eyes smoothed out just the slightest bit. Another tear slipped from Patton's eye. They'd hurt him, they'd hurt him and they didn't care! Not only had they hurt Virgil, an Outsider—his blood boiled at the term—but they'd hurt Patton, a brother like them!

No, Patton had never been a brother. He was different. Maybe they'd thought if they were able to fix him he could be just like them. As a child, all he'd wanted was to be normal, be like them. Even up until recently he'd wished for it, knowing that if he could hear, they wouldn't have locked him up like this, hurting him in their attempts to make him right.

Now, though, Patton knew he never wanted to be like them. They were terrible; the way they treated Patton had nothing to do with his disability and everything to do with the type of horrible people they were. They preached love and caring, while those who didn't fit precisely into their ideal world were forced to conform or suffer—or both, in his case.

These people, these people that Patton had once considered himself one of, had tortured him—locked him up—kidnapped and tortured Virgil, gods, they were monsters!

Patton fully sobbed now, careful to not grip Virgil's hand too tight and wake him up. He had never wanted to leave this place more in his life. If they could get out, everything would be so much better. He would actually be able to take care of Virgil, to keep him safe and close. They would never touch Virgil again.

Patton knew when Virgil woke up, as the body beside him began to tremble. After around twenty minutes of Virgil being asleep and Patton rubbing his limbs with one of the blankets, the shaking had begun to die down. Patton hadn't slept at all, his blood still boiling, so he'd been awake hours later when Virgil's flushed face cooled down, the fever breaking.

Now, Patton watched with bated breath as those beautiful, clouded grey eyes flickered open—but they weren't. They were red, bloody, filled with pain. Patton forced himself to not pull back as his stomach lurched. Virgil's brow furrowed deeply, then his eyes closed again as his lips moved.

Patton gripped his wrist gently, letting him know he was there. He quickly spelled out Virgil's name, watching and sighing at the smile that flitted onto Virgil's face. Virgil's hand shakily traced a 'P' back before falling.

The food had arrived not long before, so Patton gently tugged Virgil into his lap and pressed a cup of water to his lips. Virgil obediently took a sip, chest twitching as he almost choked. A quick question of food? had Virgil nodding, so Patton scooped up a small amount of instant mashed potatoes, then another when it was gone. Virgil only managed half the serving before he had to tap out, shaking more than earlier.

Patton knew that it would help Virgil to be on the bed, but with the way his legs were twitching he didn't think it would be wise to try to help him stand. So, he did the only thing he could think of to comfort him—get his hoodie and curl up at his side.

Virgil cried when Patton wrapped the hoodie around him, tugging at Patton's heartstrings. All he wanted in life were two things:

To comfort Virgil in any way possible, and

To get revenge on the bastards that hurt him.

Virgil didn't seem to want to sleep again, so Patton left him for a moment—only a moment, but it had Virgil shaking harder—and returned with their book, opening it to page sixty-eight, where they had left off last. Only ten words in, Virgil jerked his arm away. Patton waited patiently. Virgil was likely experiencing sensory overload, which happened occasionally depending on how anxious he was. Patton didn't move, and soon Virgil tapped a short sentence into his arm.

Please hold.

Patton melted, then placed the book aside and wrapped his arms around Virgil. He squeezed the man's shoulders gently, and Virgil buried his face into his chest and wept.

I'm here, Patton did his best to telepathically communicate. I'm here and I love you and I won't hurt you.

If Virgil understood, he didn't show it. Patton settled for pulling him closer, rubbing slow circles into his back and nuzzling his nose into Virgil's hair.

I love you. I love you so much.

Taglist (ask to be added/removed): @enragedbees @gotta-love-alejandra @bunny222 @basiic-emo @patt0n-sanders @rosiepupper @fangirlgeekandfreak @dn-fan21 @that2000skid @remy-the-lemon-berry @itsadastraperaspera @xionbean @sanderssides-angst @hell-yea-we-gay-tonight @maybedefinitely404

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the-littlefangirl · 3 years

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TFATWS episode 1 rewatch commentary

The first scene was so beautiful. I loved that we didn't start directly with the fight sequence. It feels way closer to the quiet beginning of CATWS and I love it so much.

The title is also SO NEAT, music's on point too but hey it’s Henry Jackman the one thing I’m sure it’s going to be great overall is the score.

The choreography is AMAZING, really well shot. Sam shielding himself with only one wing was MA-JES-TIC.

“WHAT'S UP” EXACTLY SAM EXACTLY

I did feel so uncomfortable in regards to the military aspect of it. Not that I was expecting anything else, but both here and in Captain Marvel the military we're good guys < 3 propaganda is so blatant and ugh:/ At least there wasn’t a literal recruitment spot like with CM.

The yellow filter in the Tunisia scene BYE please stop with the yellow filters 2k21

"I've been working with the Air Force for six months now" So, did Sam even catch a break at all after Endgame? Or did he just throw himself to work like SOMEONE did after being iced for 70 years. Hmmm? Sam????

"Essentially, these people, they want a world that's unified without borders" OH NO! HOW AWFUL, how evil of these bad guys smh

Joaquin: SO about Steve

Sam: :)))))) nope

"Moon stuff" SAAAM

#1 cry with Sam's speech, full on chills.. Fuck. Me. His voice about to break before saying thank you bYE.

Shady politician: "It was the right decision" (FUCKKKKK YOUUU)

Rhodey: *press any key to doubt *

I need someone to analyze the different curation of the two exhibits pretty please

NOT THE PHOTO POST-AZZANO JFC. That photo is my weakness, Bucky sweetie (also I find hilarious that usually when there are articles about Stucky and/or #givecaptainamericaaboyfriend they aaaalways use that photo LMAO)

In case someone wants to read the transcription of the texts about Bucky: "In 1944, while on a mission to thwart a Hydra weapon transport in the Alps, Barnes was thrown from a train and believed to have been killed in action. It wasn't until 2014, over seventy years later, that it was revealed that Barnes was alive, having been found by Hydra operatives. Captain America himself (i can't read) the effort to bring Barnes in only to later aid in a escape from custody having been convinced of his innocence. Steve's loyalty to his old friend, coupled with his refusal to sign the Sokovia Accords, led to the dissolution of the Avengers and drove the Captain into hiding with other like-minded Avengers including Natasha Romanoff, Wanda Maximoff, and Sam Wilson. The current whereabouts of Barnes remains unknown, habing been labeled a fugitive following his escape from custody."

"current wherabout unknown" but not the government, interesting. Also, pretty good summary of CACW from the public's perspective, although one of the things I always wanted to see explored was the public's reaction of the fallout of them going into hiding after Civil War (which I'm hoping we'll get to see a little bit of in Black Widow).

Interesting point about the 70 years without having Captain America. Clearly the sacrifice play wasn't enough this time to fuel the nationalism so they went with a squeaky clean John Walker instead.

Sam saying the shield belongs to Steve I'm going to cry now excuse me. Sam. Sam sweetie.

The No. 1 Captain America comic in the display ugH fuck yes

See this is how you do a cameo that has actual meaning. Thank god for Malcolm Spellman being a competent writer. That scene was so well written.

HAVE YOU PRAISED ANTHONY MACKIE'S PERFORMANCE TODAY?? Holy shit that last shot fucked me up.

I'm loving the use of the wide shots, especially in the flashback. The camera movements are in synch with The Soldier's state of mind and mission focus, so good.

EVERYONE STAND UP FOR THE NATIONAL ANTHEM aka The Winter Soldier theme composed by Henry Jackman.

Without a doubt the most brutal TWS fight scene there has been, People involved in Punisher and John Wick are involved in this and it SHOWS.

For the record, still stands that the only time we've seen him chocking someone with his right hand instead of the metal arm remains the Maria Stark assasination. I know it's probably because of blocking and the way the shot was composed but the implications are still bone chilling. God.

Uhhmmmm I'm very ambivalent about the "Hail Hydra". On one hand, it was 100% fanservice and the internet is probably going to go insane over it, and the dead way Sebastian Stan delivered the line. Good shit. Buuut what I love about CATWS is the way Bucky never, ever ever, mouths Hydra rethoric, and even when Pierce tries to gaslight him with it, it's just an empty effort. The Winter Soldier isn't doing anything because of ideological loyalty to Hydra, even if it's product of brainwashing, it's just sheer dehumanization. They don’t need him to say the words because he’s just An Asset. There are people who have put it more eloquently but yeah, I rather go with the fanon interpretation of that aspect.

The music growing louder with the shot of the keys. GOD.

I'm fine this is fine.

#2 cry with the therapy scene of fucking course.

The government monitoring Bucky is noooot going to end well lmao.

"We need to know that you're not gonna * slowmo stabbing motions *

Bucky: * nodding along slowly *

I laughed out loud.

"It's passive agressive" I love him.

The way this scene just sucker punched me in the face, made me weep and then had me cracking up. Amazing.

Therapist: You can't do anything illegal

Bucky: yup yup check checkity check. What IS considered illegal tho?

*aggresive tablet finger pressing *

"Then why isn't it rule number one?" Bucky your Steve is showing.

I love the close up shot. I'll keep saying it. It's so good.

"I'm James Bucky Barnes" yeah you are🥺

That smile is nightmare fuel LMFAO I love it.

Uhm the way I'm kinning Bucky it's not funny anymore damn

That whole “are you lashing out at me” rambling is really reminiscent of the bar scene in CATFA and how he lashed out at Steve after Peggy left. Uhm yeah fuck.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" "Peace"

"That is UTTER BULLSHIT" "You're a terrible shrink"

yeah ugly crying to ugly laughing speedrun for me

"You're free" "To do what?" jesus. That entire scene. #3 and #4 and #5 cries for moi.

Ugh that Brooklyn shot. Someone needs to do a gifset compairing it to the one in CATFA asap.

"It's like Monique but it's got a "U" in there for uniqueness" "That's absurd" LMAO

"You can't keep fighting with your neighbors" uHM * redacted redacted i'm shifting into 1940s mode abort abort *

"Nobody passed 90" "So young. Such a shame" FGADHGA

🥺🥺 yes flex those flirting skills good for you

"It's a dance to this things. You can't… you gotta warm up and I haven't danced since 1943. Feels like." #6 cry I completely broke down into tears with that.

This Yori storyline is going to punch me in the face with a metal fist. Great!

The TWS theme when he looks at Yori fuuuuuck.

GREAT LET'S GO TO LOUISIANA THAT WAS GETTING HEAVY.

Those shots of Sam in the car. Immaculate. Showstoping. Yes.

Marvel, what if instead of promoting the military industrial complex you put a lot of publicity about cars?

"Uncle Sam!" LMAO subtle.

Everyone trying to have the wings lmao same.

I've only had Sarah for a day but etc. Brooklyn 99 meme

Good mirroring about Steve and Sam family's legacy. Good shit. Goooood shit.

Sam is trying so hard ouch my heart. I can't imagine how painful the scene with them reuniting must have been. He 100% still feels a lot of guilt about being gone for those 5 years (and even longer before that).

"Maybe it is time for us to move on" uuuuuuuuuuh

"To the rescue" "Always" 🥺🥺 i love them so much already

That shot outside the restaurant is so beautiful. Can't wait to see the night scenes in Madripoor tbh.

"I tried the whole online dating thing. It's pretty crazy". Uhm well that is something that Bucky Barnes has now said. In canon. Damn.

"It's a lot" "You sound like my dad" LMAO

Every Bucky fanfic trope speedrun with this scene

"Wow you really can drink" OH you have no idea

Just realized we don't even know her name, well.

"You have any siblings?" "I have a sister" THE WAY I SCREECHED. We're definitely getting Becca

Well that escalated quickly. The important thing is to try?

I can't deal with this BUCKY SWEETIE #8 cry right there fuck

The wardrobe department is KILLING IT, there's such a difference between the outfits of the shows vs how ugly and generic it usually is.

"ThEre is NO such thiNg as on time. You're either EARLY or LATE . picK One" lmao the way he delivered that line

At first I thought the flag smashers had thrown two cars out of a window LMAO

"I don't know how jurisdiction works here, but I'mma have to place you under arrest" uhm yikes. The way they changed Joaquín Torres backstory to just random army nice guy #1 is not sitting well with me, what can I say.

Sam's wings motions I LOVE HIM YOUR HONOR

Fuuuuck this guy.

"Funny how thing's always thighten around us" "Look, I'm on your side. After all, he's a hero". This script is C R I S P as hell, great fucking job.

"I don't care, I'm not gonna quit" "What are you trying to prove? And who you trying to prove it to" SHIT HSIT SHIT!!! UGH amazing. Look it's not necessary to say the show's questions out loud but how they flow between the conversations is still very satisfactory without feeling in your face about it. Inner conflicts have been set up fucking perfectly everyone * claps *

Ugh here we fucking go. I knew this was how the episode was going to end but my stomach still dropped like a rollercoster. God.

The score is on point. Damn. Damn.

God, Sam.🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

The captain america franchise's visuals in the credits are always so amazing.

Also, does anybody know why Mackie isn't first in the billing? Uhm what's that about?

ANYWAY CONCLUSION THAT EPISODE WAS SO FUCKING GOOD LIKE HOLY SHIT. I love them so much. The balance between the personal conflicts and the political aspect (although the military aspect is still very much yikes) was on point and it was overall a joy to watch.

#tfatws #tfatws spoilers #i'm so happy rn #sorry for the ramblings i just wanted to have it all written down #sam wilson #bucky barnes #captain america #tfatws commentary

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werevulvi · 3 years

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Has radical feninism improved your life at all? What do you get out of it that other subbranches of feminism or trans activism don't give or offer?

You know what? Sometimes I ask myself the same question, lmao. It's a harsh branch, and I find myself unhappy with it as I have with any other ideology. But despite that, I still hold onto radfem, at least half-assedly. Because despite the greviances I may have with some of it, it is the only branch of feminism that is based on reality. The harsh, painful reality that tries to break me down. And I guess keeping my chin up in that sorta weather makes me feel stronger and more powerful.

Radfem helped me forgive myself for being female, and to dig into my internalised misogyny, which helped me find self-love. That is invaluable. Although that's not saying I think I owe radfem in any way. It also made me more angry at the world and feeling more trapped and hopeless. Because if I can't escape my female sex, then wtf can I even do? And can I even cry "misogyny" when I'm being rejected things I always thought I could take for granted as a woman/girl, perhaps even discriminated against, based on my masculine appearance? Or is it all my fault?

I felt my internalised misogyny get better after tons of self-therapy and healing, only to feel it again plummet to the bottom again, when I noticed that I'm being treated on some kind of a mass scale just for the way I look. Can feminism help me? Is that selfish of me to even utter? Who knows. I am not a collective of common women's issues to bring to the table. I am just me. Me and my stupidly unique issues.

But what I need to remember is that my suffering is none of radfem's fault. It only opened my eyes. I knew I might likely hate what I'd see if I did. Yet, I still chose to open my eyes. What depresses me is patriarchy, and frankly trans activism and it's near constant putting sticks in my wheels.

It might be petty, but to me, understanding that biological sex is immutable is not only the scientifically correct understanding of biology, but also the most logical one, but perhaps most of all... it's the only thing I can base my womanhood on. Trans activism is incredibly quick to discredit me as a woman because I transitioned and don't like "looking like a woman" (I dunno what that looks like, but I know it's not how I look) because they deem it transphobic to base womanhood (or manhood) on biological sex. Even when I do not even discredit trans women as women. (I mean I kinda do, but not like publically. I tread around that topic like a sleeping wolf.)

Honestly, I'm way too much of a nihilist (realist/pessimist) to even be able to hope that patriarchy can be torn down, within my lifetime or ever, so in regards to making real life changes... feminism is kinda pointless. The world is just too rotten. But I guess I see it as that I'd rather die trying, you know.

Although my allegiance to radfem specifically is waning. I don't like the collectivism part of it, nor do I like most suggested solutions like the Nordic model for solving the issue of prostitution (I'm a Swede, we have it here, it's awful, I'd rather vote for the Australian model.) As a starch centrist and libertarian, I also strongly disagree with the heavy socialist (not rarely even communist) thread that runs through radfem. Although I really don't care to fight others for being socialists, I just can't fully agree with that.

So with my string of rather small, but still, perpetual disagreements with probably most radfems... I'm straying all the more from the ideology as a whole. I'd say I more consider myself just a gender critical feminist nowadays. Which yeah, is probably "practically the same" for an outsider, but for someone's who's been digging around in it for a while... there's whole lotta difference between, for example Andrea Dworkin (radical feminist) and Posie Parker (gender critical feminist) and not just because the latter wears more makeup than the former did, lol. But that's not saying I'm 100% onboard with Posie's opinions either. They're both just examples.

With that all said, I think it's important for me now to take what I agree with about radfem and leave the rest behind me. Take what I like about trans activism, and leave the rest behind me. Think for myself, form my own opinions and walk my own road, come what may. I've never been much of the type that flocks or relate to whole communities.

But has radfem improved my life at all?

Yes, definitely. It taught me there's nothing wrong with being female. It taught me that womanhood has nothing to do with outward appearance or what sex stereotype you wish look like. It made me aware of my internalised misogyny, and helped me understand my sexual traumas better as well. All of that and more... helped me heal tremenduously. It made me realise that it's in being female I find all the gender comfort and stability I'll ever need... without even trying. That was groundbreaking for me, and it still is. Radfem gave me the view of womanhood that I sorely needed, which trans activism never could. And I am forever grateful for that. I said those same words 2 years ago shortly after I first detransitioned, and I will keep saying it.

I may casually call myself a "cis" woman, but it's just political and it's fun because the TRA's hate it. Someone like me openly identifying as a cis woman is exactly what the world needs... I think. Because that might actually change things. And that is... I think, probably the most impactful thing I can offer for feminism. My refusal to "look like a woman" (again, unsure what that means), yet being proudly a woman based solely on my biology. But I digress.

But point is I'm a "cis" woman by my own standards. I could never even possibly touch that label with a ten inch pole by TRA definition of it. This matters, because to them it's only trans and cis, and vast majority of people do not fit that model. No matter how much I listened to TRA's, they only ever had me spinning in circles, and radfem finally broke me free from that seemingly endless sphere. But I digress. Again. Fuck, it's 2am and I'm spiritually already asleep in bed. Was just gonna write a few sentences for a reply, I said. It will go quick, I said. Well, oh well... I think it's been an hour, and I need a smoke. So I won't proof-read this mess.

Sometimes I wonder if that's the only true "female liberation" there can be: to finally understand your trauma, and starting to defend/trand up for yourself and other women.

What radfem gave me was kind of a chance to turn my life all around, and finally transition from victim to survivor. And I think that's not a small gift. It's about the greatest thing I've ever gotten.

But please do keep in mind that I am a very multi-layered person. And most of the time I'm not even fully aware of what most of my brain is doing. Even when it’s not 2am. I'm not nearly as self-aware as I think I am, literally. I'm a bit fragmented still. Who knows what my billion different aspects and opinions are doing, but they’re surely not communicating, lmao. Alright I'mma go to sleep now. Sorry this response became so disorganised. It was a good vent though, and gave me a lot to think about, so I hope you like it.

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altruistic-meme · 6 years

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alright my dudes, this post is going to go deep. in it, I'm going to talk about some rather triggering content. under the cut I'm going to tell you about my personal experiences with the mental illnesses I have and just basically try and give you an understanding as to why I sometimes act the way I do. so if you care to read, and reading won't in any way negatively affect you, then click that read more. if not, feel free to scroll on, no hard feelings. sometimes you aren't feeling up to reading dark shit and I can respect that, I get that way too. now, with minimal further preamble, the undercut and what lies beneath...

(potentially triggering content includes: discussion of depression and anxiety and mentions of self-harm and suicide.)

well hello there, and welcome to the undercut. I'm about to take you on a journey through the messed up part of my mind. I'm gonna try and keep this short and to the point mostly.

A QUICK THING; it's probably going to be very incoherent, and if you are confused about something or would like more information about something, do feel free to visit my inbox or messages and ask! a lot of people are very uncomfortable talking about this stuff and lbr, I kinda am too, but I'm making an effort to speak up more about it, and to reach out a hand to those who need it, as I never really had one put forth for me. so do not be shy to ask about anything, that's what this post is about, hm?

let's just jump right into this, shall we?

HERE WE GO; I HAVE AN ANXIETY DISORDER AND MILD-SEVERE DEPRESSION.

neither of which are fun, lemme tell ya. (and I am totally in awe of people who have either or BOTH and are out there, working and being an adult in general like damn. u strong. go u.)

a disclaimer before I continue: this post is about MY PERSONAL experiences with these illnesses. this is NOT a post about the general symptoms of these illnesses. if you relate to anything I say in this post, I'm v v sorry that you are going through this, bc it's hell, not gonna lie. anywho, I had better see 0 bullshit about "oh, you don't have x bc you don't do/feel blah blah blah" not everyone goes through the same stuff, dipshit.

moving on.

symptoms yayyyy;

Anxiety: -I am extremely socially anxious. -this means going up to the counter to ask for a take-out container for leftover food at a restaurant? u m no. -talking to strangers? no. -it is also really hard for me to talk to little kids or older folks. -and then there is also; feeling anxious (wow) -having 209745 worst-case scenario's go through my head. -trying to sleep and instead having my brain interrupt and tell me "hey ya know what's cool? thinking about how you could mess up x" -actually that happens a lot. -a general thought process for me; "am i good enough? do I look okay? do I act like an idiot? am I charming or stupid? am I cool or a know-it-all? I talk about myself too much. what else can I talk about? them, talk about them. but that doesn't work either. I don't know what to say." -not fun. -and that is just what came immediately to mind. there are lots and lots of different variations. -don't even get me started on how doing my school makes me feel. -and a metric fuckton of second-guessing. -no panic attacks yet but I have felt like I was close to having one often.

Depression: -just. suicidal thoughts. let that sink in a minute. -also thoughts of self-harm. -like there are days where looking at a knife will make me want to cut and I have to hold knives on a daily basis pretty much so not fun. -can we see that self-deprecation?? yeah we can. -constantly wondering if my family loves me. -don't even get me started on my friends. -hiding in my room bc it's literally the only place where I feel kinda safe from myself -except for when I remember that I have scissors in here. -enjoying things I used to love whom?? -times where I have to take a minute to psych myself up for little tasks like carrying my dishes to the sink. -i n s o m n i a. all over. -some days I lose all will to eat, or just my appetite as a whole. -motivation?? don't know her. lack of motivation is the only one here.

ah, yeah, let's stop there for now.

another interrupty thingy!!: bc I'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume at least some of my friends will read this, there are two things to assure you of; YES I know you love me but depressions goggles make it hard to remember that sometimes. and PLEASE don't freak out over the first 3 items on the depression symptom list I'm fine. I will explain in just a sec.

okie? okie.

so now ya know! not fun! kinda terrifying actually!

"oh, well, Ac, why don't you just try sleeping more? or going outside more? or drinking water? or eating regularly? doing yoga?"

all very good suggestions. yes, they CAN help improve mood, but at the point I am at, they aren't going to help much.

and for the sleep part, lemme tell you, I KNOW FULL WELL that I should sleep more. but guess what? I can't. like, I can. not. sleep. I want to sleep. I enjoy sleeping, I enjoy being fully awake during the day and I enjoy not feeling and looking like a fucking zombie. but you know what? Anxiety and Depression by themselves usually make it harder for people to sleep. combined? I'm fucked. sometimes, yes, I get a regular amount of sleep. but also sometimes I don't. I'm not yet sure what it is that triggers me into either cycle, but they can last from two months to four days.

and OK. I get that you have your ways of making yourself sleep. but you don't understand. I have had to sit through the same speech from my mother about "just picture a blank wall" 6. TIMES. your methods are yours, and while I'm very glad they work for you, it is highly unlikely they will work for me.

okay now, if you got worried when you saw the first 3 symptoms under Depression: I really do appreciate your concern, and I am touched that you care. I'm not going to say it's ok bc of course it's not, it's very not ok, but it is something that I am and have been working on. the first time most of these thoughts hit and hit hard was November 2017, and immediately after I calmed down from them I decided that I had to talk to my mum about going to therapy.

this started a kinda long process including telling my gf, my friend, and my sister before telling my mum. and then of course when I did tell her in December we weren't able to actually try and setup an appointment until January due to being out of insurance. and ofc after that we find out that the recommendation I had gotten the previous year for anxiety was expired and this resulted in me having to go back to the doctor, then to the ER bc that was the only way to get their on-hand therapist to come that day, and then I had to spend 2 hours there bc they were v v concerned and I was almost admitted for a few days bc of my thoughts.

and yeah, it was a mess.

but I do now have a therapist who I've been seeing for a few weeks, and we have a safety plan in place, and he was v v impressed with my knowledge on coping mechanisms and just my symptoms as a general.

random story: when I was maybe 14 I had already self-diagnosed that I had some sort of Anxiety disorder, and I mentioned it out loud in front of my two sisters and one, who had had panic attacks that had sent her to the ER before, was like ah, yeah. and the other one, who as far as I know STILL doesn't have an anxiety disorder let alone had one back then, said basically "no you don't. god. like, I believe that you have anxiety bc everyone does but you don't have REALY anxiety" which is, ya know, why she didn't know why I was going to therapy until my mum told her several weeks in (and even then idk if she evens knows the full reason, but she hasn't asked me so fuck that)

anyway, i'mma try and wrap this up now!

tl;dr, basically; I have Anxiety and Depression. I have had suicidal thoughts (in the past and recently) but I am working to get rid of them, and until such a time occurs, I do have a plan for if they show up that will result in me being protected and safe. I have coping mechanisms and I use them whenever I feel like I need to, and sometimes when I don't simply bc I enjoy them. I'm currently in once a week therapy with someone who let's me talk and laughs with me when I crack a joke and listens to my stances on issues. I know that you have your methods for things, and I'm very glad they work for you, but do NOT try and force them on me.

I hope you now understand a little bit more about me and why I sometimes react to things the way I do.

have a great day, month, year, life.

~Ac

#I said I would post it so here it is #and again; if you want to know about anything please don't hesitate to ask me about it #mental illnesses #disorder #depression #anxiety #generalized anxiety disorder #(pretty sure)#mild depression #severe depression #self care #self help #tw; self-harm #tw; suicide #tw; suicidal thoughts #tw; suicidal ideation #Shh AC

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madluv · 6 years

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What are/were your thoughts of Suicide Squad? o:

oh looooooooooord ok here we go on unpopular opinion time

as a movie, I really disliked it. it was messy, awkward and worst of all, boring. the movie had no substance nor did it seem to have any heart for it’s characters – “bad guys” or not, the film was void of any real emotion or consequence involving them. the script was childish, cringey and dealt with it’s content clumsily and lazily. It was style over substance, and it just felt like it was made simply to sell cheap merch in abundance to young audiences.

in regards to jarley ( I’ll talk about em individually in a mo ) HERE WE GO, hold onto your butts !! So, I’m not a fan of the interpretation of their relationship in SS. I don’t like the whole ‘shock therapy’ thing for them first and foremost – erasing harleen’s identity for joker to mould and manipulate? especially when we know harley CHOOSES to rescue joker originally and moulds herself anew by basically throwing on fancy dress and getting into the spirit of things! The relationship in SS felt like instead of harleen becoming harley quinn, that she was instead turned into joker 2.0. Like a very diluted, irritating version of joker. I didn’t really get any romance from it ( i'mma huge romantic ) It was more like joker was chasing expensive stolen property than chasing his passion. We see joker dejected in her absence yes, but that’s hardly enough material to create a strong sense of them together. And then when together, we don’t really see them interact as a couple that doesn’t come off as incredibly casual – and considering how they came to be, you’d expect some intenseness. Instead their relationship came off as very vapid. There was style, yet again, but no substance

What I also disliked about the movie is it wasted screentime on ass shots and inconsequential nonsense that could have been given to developing the relationships between characters ( not just jarley ) but jarley moments suffered from contradictory script, lack of scenes and little to no development. I dislike that the film relied on fans to “fill in the gaps” or already know about these two, even with it being harley’s first time on the big screen. It was haphazard and lazy – and their dynamic was affected by it.

It doesn’t help of course that the harley in SS could basically be named something different and be introduced as a brand new character, as she doesn’t really represent anything of the harley we had before the bleak new52. I understand reinvention, but her personality is completely different, her attitude and her nature etc, not just her image but her entire persona. I’ve been invested in Harley Quinn for some 20 years and Joker for even longer, this wasn’t just a reinvention for harley but a complete dismantling of her character. robbie’s version of harley quinn is VERY new52 inspired. she was unfunny and void of any compassion towards her squadmates, played as ultra-annoying and childlike. The line delivery was often awkward or just completely missed it’s intent? robbie’s harley completely lacks the complexity and conflicted nature of the harley quinn I grew up with.

i dislike how ‘kiddie’ they’ve made harley quinn in recent years to make her more palatable to a young / young teen audience – and therefore have altered her so drastically she’s not even the same character. SS’s harley is this “harley” live action, and I don’t like it

joker on the other hand, I didn’t mind as much? there are still a lot of things I don’t like about leto joker – like the lack of any humour at all? Even ironic or dark humour? he was incredibly joyless. I know he spends a lot of the movie angry, but you only need to read 1 comic to know even a VERY ANGRY joker still has time to make mockery and humour out of a grim situation… Kinda his thing. ( literally just having him trip up once, or do one almost stupid thing once would have made him so much more Mr.j ! ) Otherwise, I didn’t mind leto. He has intensity and a grasp of the mania, I just think the role was played far TOO seriously ( you’re not a rockstar now kid, you’re a crazy clown ! ) – they focused too much on making him seem REALLY, REALLY BAD, like didn’t you know Joker is A BAD GUY?! ( they did the same thing to Harley also ) and yes, Joker is very bad – but he’s also charismatic, charming, ridiculous, dramatic and even likeable? There’s a reason as a villain, he has stood the test of time, after all. I think leto can do good things with the joker, I think he just needs to be in a movie with better writing and better direction – and not a movie that used his character ( that was barely used and under developed ) to get asses in seats at the theatre. leto joker has potential that needs to be encouraged with better movie makers

so there’s my 2 cents on that trainwreck :^O there’s so much more I could say but im gonna leave it at that unless there are other more detailed questions regarding the movie

#ask #headcanon

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