#but i am feeling it

[porchtart]

i have a lot of thoughts just swirling in my head about grief and creativity, but it's very hard to verbalize what i'm thinking in a concise manner. i definitely am feeling very touchy and unhappy these days, and it's bothering me a lot that i've pretty much entirely stopped drawing. i have been writing a lot, which is fantastic - but i miss drawing a lot. i have so many ideas, but every time i pick up a pencil i feel sick. it's fucking miserable. i just want the grief to be done with, but it's not something i can just claw my way out of so easily.

i've been back in therapy too. it's good to have someone to tell about all the stuff going on inside my brain. i have such a hard time opening up to others, even those dearest to me. if you're reading this, sorry i'm so unwell.

i've been pretty much exclusively writing nikolae, which has been wonderful, but it definitely is making me keenly aware of where the pain points are in my life. he's always been a very therapeutic character for me, but he's become that even more so in the last year or so. i found an anonymous response i had given to someone asking survivors who write darkfic about their experiences with it, and reading back the pain that i'm too embarrassed to share as myself was so jarring - especially when i recognized where i was putting that pain into the story we are writing. i'm very grateful to have that writing as an outlet.

i feel like... not necessarily a live wire, but i do feel like i'm not myself lately. i'm so irritable and impatient. i am prickly, unable to live peacefully as myself. i feel like i'm having a crisis of identity. i know that most of it is certainly grief - that doesn't make any of it easier.

i've decided to quit my second job, but i won't be leaving it until early august. i just need to hang on until then, i guess. it will be nice to have my evenings back, no rotating schedules.

#babbles #literally lmao #this is all just rambling #but i am feeling it #you know?

[desafia]

i know i’ve fallen off the face of the planet lately but i want y’all to know i love u,  i am slowly dipping my toes back in.  work has been wild lately,  very understaffed and i’ve been having arthritis flare ups so 🥴 on the other hand i’m in a very healthy,  new relationship that has been taking up my free time of late 😅 and been getting into painting and other crafts atm buT I’M STILL HERE and i love mags and am still thinking of new muse ideas uwu i miss y’all what’s the latest drama

#OOC: ❝ it’s just tumblr rp，carol. ❞ #it's been good for me to not be so sucked into online spaces all the time #but i am feeling it #the call of the wild (tumblr's constant mess)

[caffeinatedopossum]

Me when I remember something I said ages ago that was wrong or my values no longer align with

#my path of self improvement has been less self righteous and personally gainful #and more just. a lot of embarrassment and pain #like i wouldnt change the path i took to get where i am now but i wouldve chosen to travel that path sooner because omg #nothing hits me like the fear that future me will feel the same way about right now me that right now me feels about past tense me

[skrunksthatwunk]

see 0 note flop posts aren't that bad when they're personal but 0 note fandom posts feel literally so bad. like if you don't wanna play toys with me anymore just say that. i'll pack up my super cool awesome things and go and i'll sit on the other side of the playground by myself and i won't even look at you. fuck

#yes i AM thinking about a particular post. no it wasn't that good but still. a moment of heartache for sure #like it feels so bad but im too prou dto delete it and also too lazy

[etherealspacejelly]

sometimes you just have to let yourself be a bit neurodivergent.

i hate going out, it gives me a lot of anxiety and sensory input that i dont like, and i am often forced to talk to people.

so i do this thing on more difficult days, or sometimes just for fun, where i "bring a fictional character with me". i walk and imagine Fictional Character walking next to me. they talk to me, reassure me, hype me up, whatever i need them to do.

today dean winchester came christmas shopping with me. he went over the list with me of stuff i needed to get, told me i was doing a good job every time i finished in a certain shop, reminded me to take a deep breath when i got a little overwhelmed.

and yea. its kinda silly. and i know its just me talking to myself in a different voice, but it Works! especially since all of my special interests/hyperfixations tend to be tv/movie related.

so do what you gotta do to Get Shit Done. stop holding yourself to neurotypical standards. if you need Fictional Character to tell you you're doing a good job, do it! if you need Favourite Singer to walk you to school, do it! yea it might feel silly but you're literally fighting against your own brain to get stuff done every single day. you can have a little self indulgent daydream, as a treat.

#autism #actually autistic #adhd #audhd #actually adhd #neurodivergent #im tagging adhd and autism because that is specifically what i have #this post can apply to any neurodivergent people who feel it helps #i am fully aware that neurodivergent includes people who arent autistic or adhd

[absentlyabbie]

no multi option, agonize and choose, no results option, pick one to find out or scroll onward

#feel like this poll is heeeaavily neurodivergent/disabled slanted but oh well so am i #polls #tumblr polls #my polls

[give-soup-please]

raise a glass to the posts you love that end up deleted. to the fanart and fanfics you lose track of and can't locate. to the blogs you used to look through that ended up unexpectedly disappearing. to the things you didn't archive because you always assumed they'd be there.

#personal #i am having feelings about not being able to find everything i set out to find #or in my case- rediscover #i'm locating and reblogging a few GO posts that might otherwise be lost to time and other forces

[likegoldintheair]

when i say i wish people started using the reblog button more i don't mean it in a 'i want more notes' kind of way i mean it in a 'i want to read about your thoughts on this particular thing' and 'i want to have conversations in the tags' and 'i want this to feel like a community again and not like any of those boring social media platforms where artists are content creators and interactions never goes beyond a like'

#i am having thoughts and feelings again #the main reason i came back to tumblr after a decade away #was because i missed the community-like feeling #but it seems impossible to have that #no matter how hard i try

[nonebinary-leftbeef]

DEVASTATING the lyric you've been mishearing is better than the real one

#i've been listening to icarus by bastille #and for some reason my brain fills in 'this is how it feels to take a fall' as 'this is how it feels to take off all your skin' #and like fuck man #and I KNOW that’s technically not a misheard lyric but my post my rules cope #anyway my line now #also probably phrased this poorly but its ok #im allowed to be incomprehensible #as a treat #and then fuckin #from we sink by of monsters and men #the original line was 'please look away dont look at me' #and i kept hearing it as 'please learn a way to look at me' #anyway #shoving this post in the queue but please be aware that i am writing it very late at night #q

[birbwell]

monku hatsune

#vocaloid #monkposting #monks #miku hatsune #hatsune miku #birbwelldraws #monasticposting #i am Not used to using non-fandom tags. i feel sos annoying

[shubbabang]

Shout out to everyone who is just so tired So so exhausted So very very tired so very fatigued so sleepy and tired So

#I am literally so mentally exhausted lately I feel like my brain is swelling #I feel dazed and cloudy and yet I must keep going despite being the most tired bitch in the universe

[variksel]

i hate you ai art i hate you "unalive" i hate you youtube premium i hate you twitter 8$ checkmark i hate you nfts i hate you therapy app advertisements i hate you non-chronological timelines i hate you instagram reels i hate you subtle tiktok filters that cant be turned off i hate you family bloggers i hate you ads on true crime episodes i hate you facebook i hate you vr glasses on chickens i hate you dystopian social media

#sorry but genuinely sometimes i feel like we live in a fucking dystopia #i get ads of chat bots designed to look like cute girls who will listen to your problems and it. god #its so unbelievably strange in some indescribable way #how am i supposed to explain that the word unalive makes me want to tear my hair out #vent #rant #idk

[andi-o-geyser]

a full SAGA of chaos choices at the diner in the centre of your mind

#so in summary: #coffee grounds; room temp vodka; the feeling of first having root beer; coffee and bacon; maple syrup; grenadine; and a calzone #they are all so insane and i love them for it #and also its such a perfect representation of a brain #bc like! yeah! that IS what my thoughts are bouncing between when i'm asked what i want for a meal! i am that fucking bonkers sometimes!! #dimension 20 #dimension 20 mentopolis #mentopolis #mentopolis spoilers #d20 #dnd #brennan lee mulligan #hunch curio #anastasia tension #conrad schintz #the fix #imedla pulse #dan fucks #alex song xia #hank green #danielle radford #freddy wong #siobhan thompson #mike trapp #d20 cast #long post #andis thought geyser

[astearisms]

catalysts, protectors

#man those episodes #so many things put into perspective #like Simon’s role as a protector and his kindness and empathy and compassion and existence being the catalyst for the rest of ooo to #flourish #and Betty is a protector of Simon #I wonder if the last two episodes will explore more of her character? there’s so much to be explored about her giving so much of herself #to Simon but not thinking about what she wants for herself #do we get to explore her feelings or see her at all? will she have changed or learned to let go #I think there will be some sort of closure for the both of them #but at what cost #I am still crying over that scene with Simon’s memory of Betty and their song #my art #fionna and cake #fionna and cake spoilers #simon petrikov #betty grof #petrigrof #golbetty

[weatherbane]

halsin: -mermaid hair flip- everyone else: pathetic bleating

#halsin #bg3 #bg3 art #bg3 fanart #astarion #shadowheart #lae'zel #wyll #i am included in this everyone else scenario #man has no right making me feel the way he does #my ocs #tav: sevinna #weatherdraws

[heedra]

I know it's a thing on here to treat ppl who are unamused by horoscope shit as wet blankets but frankly there is something uniquely aggravsting abt telling another person your star sign in order to participate in what you assume is lighthearted convo and watching a respected adult peer actively adjust how they feel about you as a person in real time bc of the day of the year you happened to be born on

#i feel like the way i phrased this post is a lil ambiguous so to be clear: i am the astrology unenjoyer