#but it was a slow process and I was having difficulty putting the concept image together

[disquietedpalefish]

Last photos of my unfinished Resident Evil blanket (which I started making in my teens and eventually abandoned overwhelmed) before I take it apart for yarn and space.

#Resident Evil #crochet #I started this way back when I was first reading the S.D. Perry novels #it was gonna be inspired by the cover of the first book #with the characters standing with their weapons and surrounded by different monsters #naturally I was gonna add more monsters cuz I loved them all #and I was gonna put the mansion in the distance and some crow silhouettes in the sky #and ''RESIDENT EVIL'' in big red letters #also in the sky #naturally I was in over my head XD #I'm sure I would have kept at it if I had been able to get all the colors and amount of yarn #early on #but it was a slow process and I was having difficulty putting the concept image together #and eventually realized ''wow it's crowded this is gonna be awful'' 🤣 #so yeah that was that expedition #ramble babble fafafa

[klein-archive]

Memories in feelings

8th June 2021

This will be my (Jane Milton’s) last blog post before handing over to the new Melanie Klein Trust archivist, Christine English. I know that Christine has already identified some very interesting archival material that she will be sharing on the blog - which I am certainly looking forward to reading.

So, to round off my always stimulating, fruitful time exploring the Klein archives (though I will continue to refer to them) here are some clinical notes I came across recently, which I hope will be thought-provoking.

Klein discusses what she calls ‘memories in feelings’ several times in the third and fourth volumes of her Writings. For example, an important footnote to page 180 of Envy and Gratitude reads:

All this [referring to early phantasies concerning the breast] is felt by the infant in much more primitive ways than language can express. When these pre-verbal emotions and phantasies are revived in the transference situation, they appear as ‘memories in feelings’, as I would call them, and are reconstructed and put into words with the help of the analyst. In the same way, words have to be used when we are reconstructing and describing other phenomena belonging to the early stages of development. In fact we cannot translate the language of the unconscious into consciousness without lending it words from our conscious realm (Klein 1957).

In archive file PP/KLE/D.11, I found a detailed and complicated example of a ‘memory in feeling’, together with Klein’s interpretations of and reflections on it, in the analysis of a man in his late forties, whom she calls ‘Mr X’.

In the second half of file D.11, Klein discusses the difficulties that the patient is having, in integrating feelings towards his parents with the analytic transference situation. The analyst is sometimes spared the complex and contradictory negative feelings felt towards the primary objects, while, at other times, the situation with the parents is idealised, and the analysis and analyst denigrated. The following material appears in the digitised collection as images 18, 20 and 22-28 (omitting some pages which are crossed out and do not appear to belong to the sequence):

---

I could give you many more instances of attitudes, which have all in common the attempt on the part of the patient to avoid a synthesis between the various aspects of figures and relations, which have come to focus on the analyst. The point here is that the synthesis, which the patient has not been able to establish sufficiently in the past is bound up in the various anxieties coming to the fore. The analyst is loved and hated, as other people in the patient’s life were earlier on, and the patient resorts to all sorts of defences and among them the process of splitting figures and situations, in order to avoid the relations that these various aspects represent, the various aspects of the mother and father. It is, therefore, our work to help him to experience again and again - and this is a slow process we know - the realisation, that he has only divided up, split his ego, his relations with people, and the people themselves, in the attempt to avoid conflict, anxiety and guilt. Our interpretations aim at synthesis, but the synthesis can only be achieved piecemeal, and again and again the patient has to be confronted with experiencing conflict and suffering, which he has tried to avoid in the past.

Re memories in feelings: (to George)

[George is a child Klein saw between the ages of 3 and 8, in the 1930s, who appears in two of the ‘restricted’ files B.39 and B.40]

This brings me to a point which applies to adults as well as to some extent to children. We know how important it is to revive in our patients[’] memories. We however also know that such memories can be extremely falsified. This is included in the concept of cover memories. So while it is beneficial to get as many memories as possible, it is in connection with emotions, desires, anxieties which partly led to these memories, and which these past experiences were connected with, that we have to understand any situation in the past as well as in the present. We should never rest content with just having past experiences as it were reconstructed in the analysis, because we must not treat them as it were as isolated events. Only if we are able to bring out the whole situation of feelings, anxieties, fitting into the development as a whole, we can feel that we have benefitted sufficiently from the revival of memories. Now there would probably be no difference of opinion on that point. I still think it is worthwhile mentioning, for there are stages of development of which we cannot get memories in the full sense of the word, expressed by words, and in the clear-cut way in which memories of a later stage may appear. And yet they are memories of feelings.

Refer back to Mary in this connection - reproducing the situation of the baby (lamb) with all the oral details attached to it [it is not clear to whom Klein is referring here]

A VERY EARLY MEMORY IN FEELING

Man Patient X (age: just under fifty) 8th February 1946

In identification with the little child who was teething and woke at night repeatedly crying, the father felt suddenly, having just woken from sleep, what an “awful thing was going on in the child”. He had a vision of something growing out of the soft mouth, flesh being contrasted here to something very hard like spikes which were somehow thrust on him (because by now he felt it happening to himself and not to the child) and being forced to push these spikes together. (this was shown by a gesture). And a terrible feeling how awful that must be. At this moment, when visualising the spikes coming together, he had a vision of these hard things outside him, and “death-head” was the next association to it. The feeling of grievance that he could not stop that happening, that this whole thing had been thrust on him, that something had made these spikes come out, and that he had no more control over these spikes because again something forced him to push these spikes together.

Now these feelings he found extremely difficult to put into words, while he was otherwise very vocal. It seemed as if they just could not be put into words. And he fully agreed when I suggested that this incapacity was due to the fact that such things may be felt but not thought of in words at a very early stage. The one stimulus for experiencing what quite obviously was a memory in feeling was the identification with the little daughter. Another is the transference situation at the moment.

In the preceding hour some guilt about leaving the responsibility all his life too much with other people, or rather a tendency towards that which was very much controlled, had come up. Facing that, a very high appreciation of the value of the analysis and the effects, and a feeling of unworthiness in having it, had become quite clear. A particular association was leaving the responsibility for sweets (tuck at school) with the mother. He would not take sweets with him after the holidays, but she should rather send them. They were packed into a tin, and there seemed something very wrong about that, an inexplicable feeling that it was not, as it were, her job to send them in a way which left some responsibility with her which she should not have. This had connected with feelings that however valuable the analysis might be, he does not make the best of it, or won’t do in the future.

My suggestion in the preceding hour had been that he would use the interpretations, and the analysis, in the wrong way, that he would not make the best of it. Now an association produced on the 7th was that after having left me, at the moment of going out of the room, he had suddenly had an association that in fact he would make use of the analysis in such a way that it would improve his earning capacity, and he disliked the thought that he would use it to make money.

Now there are here two trends of thought which became quite clear in the present hour: The good thing, the milk, the nipple, taken in would be changed into faeces and thus be completely destroyed – money making – bad purposes.

This is the way in which the nipple, and now my interpretations, would be treated while being taken in. The object would be destroyed, the “death head”, which himself felt was a later elaboration of what was felt dangerously destroyed in those early days, is the object- in this case me. Therefor the tin in which the sweets were packed is not only his inside in which he should not take the sweets, but it is more specifically the mouth and the teeth (the edges of the tin).

The very strong feeling that it was not his fault, because it was pushed, thrust on him, seems to connect with the nipple being pushed into him. And here the object itself becomes the teeth, a condensation of what is being done to the object and reflected in his attitude towards him. Also why was the nipple given to him? But there seemed to have been in fact at the very beginning of feeding great difficulties because the mother had been very ill, and X has a feeling- not supported by what he had heard- that for some time she could not have fed him. In his view, since she was so ill at his birth, some weeks could have elapsed before she could feed him. A view which seems rather phantastic when he was going over it in this hour, because what would have happened to the milk?

He had been told that his breast feeding otherwise had been normal up to about 8 months but with the strong feeling that to begin with there had been a long gap, a very long time before he started on it. The present impression was that he might have had very great difficulties in taking the nipple, perhaps because of a break in the beginning or perhaps because of fears, as the mother, who was on the whole affectionate and patient, was apt to be erratic and if things did not go well, impatient. The possibility appears that if at the beginning of the feeding there had been difficulties due to starting a little too late with the breast being given and to his difficulties, she might have been impatient and thrust the nipple into his mouth.

Very fundamental attitudes seem to be connected with this. Incapacity to make use of very great gifts in him, of choosing, or trying to get the best thing, to make use of opportunities – against that in the same way a tendency to thrust responsibility on to others which was in fact not carried out. A very strong drive to get the best opportunities and also to make use of them, but with a constant conflict over these two attitudes which no doubt had to some extent a paralysing effect.

An interesting point is the vision of the “death head” in front of the mouth, outside. It seems to show so closely the process of the object still outside and at the same time already internalised and again externalised – on the boundary. As well as the actual external object, the nipple, changed into this destroyed object.

Memories in feelings are not an unknown fact. But this should be put versus what is called “memories”. I find them in such ways also with adults, that the whole situation becomes alive. All this shows in attitudes and is connected with the transference situation.

--------------------------

References:

Klein, Melanie (1957) Envy and Gratitude. In Envy and Gratitude and Other Works, The Writings of Melanie Klein Volume III. London: Hogarth 1975.

#melanie klein #psychoanalysis #memory #transference #child development #internal objects #good breast #internal conflict #ambivalence

[armorsleevedsinglehit]

Hashirama invites him to the hotsprings because he knows Madara has had a stressful time lately. It's a great time, except for the fact that Hashirama makes delicious sounds getting into the hot water, and also seems oblivious to this.

"it’ll be good for both of us," hashirama says when he suggests their little excursion, but madara knows that hashirama is thinking of him above anything else, and he’s touched by it. of course he accepts the offer. and hashirama is exactly right, he thinks, as he sinks into the water. they both needed this. madara feels his hair float off his back and notes with some vague annoyance that he perhaps should have tied it up before getting it wet because now it’s going to take eons to dry and oh, there are twigs and pieces of thread and bits of leaves bobbing in the water around him like a halo of debris.

madara quickly collects a handful of soggy litter and slaps it down on the tiles behind his head as surreptitiously as possible. he chances a look behind him to make sure hashirama hasn’t seen. the screen is still shut; he still must be getting undressed.

he tries not to let that thought linger. he’s already naked, but he’s up to his neck in hot water and steam and by now his hair is spread out in a dark fan around him, shielding his body from view. he supposes it’s not really his body that he’s concerned about. any second now, hashirama will emerge from behind the screen, and madara will have to try not to watch him in his nakedness as he descends into the water…and then they’ll sit together in the heat and the steam and what is he going to do.

he hears hashirama’s footsteps on the tile. the shoji slides open. madara can’t help it. he stares. just for a split second, he feels his sharingan threaten to flicker on, and he forces it back down with some difficulty. hashirama is so beautiful. his hair is tied up in a towel, except for a few damp strands sticking to the sides of his face, curling over his cheekbones. his legs are long and powerful, and his shoulders are so broad and solid, and his chest—and the wide expanse of his abdomen—he’s holding two sake cups, one in each hand, and he grins at madara as he slides the screen shut with one well-placed knuckle. this is completely fine, madara tells himself resolutely. they’ve seen each other naked before. this is nothing new. he can feel the heat rising in his face. hashirama sits down on the tile and sets the sake down next to him and madara tries, oh he tries, to ignore the way his ass curves and his muscles ripple as he crosses his legs and dips one finger in the water.

“nice night for a bath,” hashirama says, and he’s right; the air outside is cold and crisp—strange for spring—and the moon is blazing in the sky above their heads. even a few stars have come out by now. madara tries very hard not to think about putting his hands on hashirama’s hips and pressing his face to his pelvis. he needs something to do. he gathers his hair into a very wet thick ponytail and tries to wring some of the water from it, and then winces as he discovers a live ladybug crawling somewhere around the region of his left ear. he picks her up on his index finger and sets her free.

hashirama watches her fly off towards the bamboo across the way. he bites his lip.

“i could comb your hair, if you wanted,” he says, and madara thinks for a split second that there’s a hint of something strange in his voice. “i could braid it, too.”

every muscle in madara’s body strains against the resounding yes threatening to burst from his throat. “all right,” he says instead, making sure to pretend to consider the offer for a few seconds before responding. hashirama uncrosses his legs and slides feetfirst into the water and—

ohhhhhhh fuck

madara blinks. his first impression is that his brain is simply filling in gaps that are not really there, that perhaps he’s been thinking too hard about hashirama’s nipples and is now imagining these—noises coming from him. but he’s not imagining anything. the noises are real. even worse, hashirama isn’t done.

“ohhhh mnngh,” hashirama says, settling into the bath with a soft splash. he picks up one of the sake cups. “oof.”

madara’s face is painfully red now. “drink?” hashirama says, offering him the cup. he’s too bemused to answer. he accepts it silently, raises it to his lips. it’s hot. it tastes sweet, madara thinks, and knows hashirama must have picked out this, too, to appeal to madara’s specific tastes. he squeezes his eyes shut. hashirama is painfully close now. he can feel hashirama’s chakra flowing through the water towards him, tingling on every inch of his bare skin. he must not think too hard about it, he tells himself again. he must not—

“ohh,” hashirama groans, stretching out his neck. madara watches him, entranced. it’s no use. he’s moving closer and closer with ever second. madara can almost feel his breath like this—or is he imaging it? is it just the steam? has the sake already gone to his head? hashirama scratches his nose, tucks a strand of hair up under the towel wrapped around his head, and madara forces himself to bite back a smile. he’s perfect like this. he wants to memorize every contour of hashirama’s chest, run his fingers down the line between his shoulder blades.

“madara?” hashirama says, frowning suddenly. “what is it?”

everything seems to be moving in slow motion, and rendering in acute detail. his brain has processed the words before he realizes exactly what they mean. “what?” he says intelligently.

“is there danger nearby?” hashirama says, setting his own sake down on the tile and glancing behind them, fully alert. “did something happen at the inn?”

“what?” madara says again, still staring at hashirama’s chest. then his brain catches up to his eyes and he realizes that he really has activated his sharingan, and is currently committing every droplet of water on hashirama’s skin to memory. quickly he shakes himself and turns it off. he still can’t seem to look away from hashirama’s body. “no. sorry. all fine.”

hashirama is still staring at him in mild concern. “does it activate on its own, sometimes?” he says. “i could take a look at your eyes, make sure everything is functioning properly…”

“no, thank you,” madara barely manages to gasp out, because the concept alone of looking into hashirama’s eyes at this distance might really kill him for good.

***

the sensation of hashirama’s fingers in his hair feels so good, madara thinks, twenty minutes later, and fails to bite back a noise that’s almost a whimper. but something about the water and the steam and the sake, and hashirama’s warm body nearly touching his own, makes him want to abandon any notion of self-consciousness he’s been clinging to this whole time. this is what the hot springs are for, he thinks. he really has needed this, no matter what he thinks about the whole affair tomorrow morning.

when he’s finished braiding, hashirama floats backwards in the water and surveys his work with his index finger pressed jauntily to his chin. then his face falls and his towel unravels from his head and lands in the water with a sad sort of plip. “it’s not my best braid,” he says sadly, as his own hair comes down from its bun one strand at a time and floats along the surface of the water. madara smiles.

“it’s the best braid you’ve ever given me,” he assures him, and he’s not lying.

#drabble #hashimada #long post #Anonymous

[animetrashlmao]

Hi, I'm a huge fan of your work. Your style is just beautiful. If you are interested would you write about sasusaku married life...Sakura losing her memory and Sasuke helping her go through their history together and a clueless Sakura realising how much Sasuke Love's his wife I hope you find the concept interesting Much love from Germany

Sending you love from the US! Thank you for the kind words. I’m so sorry that this has been sitting in my ask box for a few weeks, it’s been a rough time lately😭 I gave this prompt my best shot in as short amount a time as possible, and I’m definitely rusty from not doing any creative writing lately. Still, I hope that you like it!

The room slowly comes into focus as her eyes open with caution, sensitive to the sunlight that peeks through the curtains of this unfamiliar room. Her head pounds as she raises herself up carefully into a sitting position, only noticing that she wasn’t alone when she feels a strong arm wrap around her middle to help her. She turns towards the smooth, deep voice that the arm belongs to, trying to sort out her thoughts.

“Take it easy,” he had said.

Why? Where was she? How did she end up here? The questions swirling through her mind only make her dizzy. Worried, mismatched eyes meet her own as she thanks him quietly. Sensing her reservation, he slowly withdraws his arm from her waist, assuring that she is comfortable first.

“Can you tell me what happened?”

Sakura watches as the man in front of her avoids her gaze, clearly upset about something. He was handsome, she noted mentally.

“You’ve been unconscious for four and a half days. You may have suffered a traumatic brain injury after sustaining a substantial blow to your head.”

She processes for a moment before her medical training kicks in.

“I’m assuming after stabilizing me, there should be some imaging right? Can I see the MRI and CT scan results?”

His demeanor seems to lighten up a bit at this for some reason. Sasuke was unsure of whether she’d retained her medical knowledge and figured it would be a sure sign of whether she’d suffered any memory loss. So far, it seemed like that hadn’t been the case.

“Yes, I’ll go get them now.” He leaves the room for a few minutes, returning with a nurse who carries a file in hand. She passes the file to Sakura while asking a few standard questions about her current state. They go through some basic motor function tests together before the nurse leaves them.

Sakura runs her hand through her hair as she turns through the pages of her file, reading the radiologist’s notes. As she brings her hand down, the sharp prick she feels on her scalp indicates that she’s caught something in her hair. Carefully disentangling her hand from her otherwise well-groomed hair, she stares at the ring on her finger.

“Huh. I wonder when I got this ring,” she muses, unaware that Sasuke is watching her. She turns her hand this way and that, allowing the light to catch the ruby at different angles.

“I gave that to you, Sakura.” She startles at both his presence and the response to a question she thought she had been asking herself. Slow to look up from her hand, Sakura thinks of all of the possible situations in which she would accept such a precious ring from a man she didn’t know.

“I must be a bit confused, considering the head injury and all,” she laughs nervously. “Why would you give me this ring, doctor?”

Sasuke’s breath catches in his throat as he pauses to process what she just said. She’s smiling apologetically at him, her eyes curious as she waits for him to answer. He realizes she isn’t pranking him, as Sakura is sometimes prone to do.

“I gave you that ring, Sakura,” he starts slowly, “because you’re my wife and I wanted to make sure that others were aware. I’m not a doctor.”

The shock that crosses her face confirms it for him - she really didn’t remember who he was. The sinking of his heart into his stomach is accompanied by the heavy weight of anxiety on his chest at the idea of her not knowing who he was. Instinctively, his fingers curl into a fist with anger at himself for letting this happen to her in the first place.

Her gaze travels from his face down to the ring on her left hand and back to him again.

“Are you sure?” Her voice was meek as she was visibly struggling to grasp at any memory that would make this revelation make sense in her head.

He nods before pulling a chair close to her bed. He points to her name in small text at the top of her brain scans, his finger resting under the name “Uchiha.” For a split second, Sakura thinks she’s looking at someone else’s file before reading her own name adjacent to it.

“Uchiha Sakura...” she trails off. “I definitely remember my maiden name being Haruno. So you’re Uchiha...?”

“Sasuke,” he finishes for her, hoping that hearing his name will help to trigger some sort of memory for her.

As he awaits her answer, the doctor cheerfully walks into the room, greeting them both.

“Good to see you awake, Mrs. Uchiha. You gave us a bit of a scare the past few days! Though I wish it were under different circumstances, I’m pleasured to make your acquaintance. I’ve read some of your publications on the effects of war trauma in children and would be interested in discussing some of the treatment programs you use at a later time. How are you feeling?”

“I feel okay.” Sakura absentmindedly turns her ring back and forth on her finger. She and the doctor begin discussing her condition using medical jargon that Sasuke has difficulty keeping up with. He begins to reach towards her, a familiar motion he often initiated between them to comfort her. His hand hovers in hesitation midway between them before he pulls back, afraid to push her too much before she was ready. He listens until they’ve finished discussing her condition, noting Sakura’s unease when the doctor mentions that she is free to leave with her husband after a few days of monitoring. She makes no effort to let the doctor know that she’s lost this part of her memory before he leaves them alone together.

Uncertainty hangs in the difficult silence that’s fallen between them. Where are they supposed to go from here?

“It sounds incredibly familiar,” Sakura starts quietly. “The name Uchiha, I’ve heard it before. I understand that this must be difficult for you and I’m sorry to put you through this if I really am your wife, but would you mind telling me some things that might help me remember? Talking about our....relationship is often helpful in these kinds of situations.” Always sympathetic and worrying about others even with memory loss due to a traumatic injury, she was absolutely the Sakura he knew.

“Sure,” he nods, “where should I start?”

“At the beginning, I suppose,” she says with a shrug and small smile. “How did we meet?” Her attention is focused solely on him as she studies the details of his appearance. Her gaze roams over his somewhat messy hair, noting that it covers his left eye, down his broad shoulders and strong chest, finally realizing that his left arm is missing halfway down his bicep. She decides to ask him about that later.

“We met when we were kids, studying in the academy together. I wouldn’t say we were close, but it was a small class so we knew each other’s names and relative rankings in class.”

Her eyes soften as she thinks through childhood memories filled with fields of flowers and mean little girls. “How lucky of me to say that I met my partner early on in life.”

He studies her quietly before reaching for her hand, hesitating as if to ask for her permission first. She looks down at his fingers near hers, abashedly raising her own hand, placing it into his palm. He wraps his thumb over the back of her hand, rubbing it gently back and forth across her skin. The motion comforts her as she waits for him to continue.

“We were placed on the same three-man squad as genin, along with Naruto. I was struggling a lot during that time, so I tried incredibly hard to keep you both at a distance. I didn’t want to form any bonds because I had decided to dedicate my life to fulfilling a mission for revenge.” His gaze moves away from her as he reminisces on those difficult times in his life. Sakura is patient, encompassed by his story. “But you were annoying,” he chuckles, as Sakura scoffs playfully, feigning indignation. “At first I thought you were just another girl who had superficial feelings for me like our other classmates, but you proved me wrong.”

“How did I do that?”

“On our first mission as a team, I thought that I was going to die. I couldn’t understand at the time why I had put myself in harms way, risking the loss of my vengeance in order to protect someone else. The first thing I woke up to was the sound of your sobs as I felt your weight on my chest. I still remember the pain I felt as you threw your arms around me when you realized I was awake, crying harder than you were before. That was the moment I knew that you truly did care for me, and it was when I realized I cared for you too. I can’t explain my reasons, but I knew I had to protect you, no matter what it cost me.”

His expression is sincere as he turns his gaze towards her, searching for signs of her memory returning to her. She ponders his words for a moment, her lips curved upward in the gentle smile he fell in love with.

“So did you also train as a medic? Is that when we started dating?” He does his best to hide it, but she notices his face fall just slightly at her question. She squeezes his hand gently, quietly expressing her regret. “I’m sorry, Sasuke. I can remember bits and pieces, the way I felt during these times that you’re describing, but the timeline is still fuzzy to me.”

He shakes his head, assuring her that it was okay before he continues. “I left the village in order to continue my training, because I felt that I wasn’t progressing quickly enough in Konoha. You tried to stop me the night that I left; you pleaded, made promises, cried, and told me you loved me. That rooted me in place, and if I’m honest, there was a moment that I truly did consider staying. I had become comfortable with the life and friendships I had built in Konoha by that point. Before then, I couldn’t remember the last person who had genuinely told me they loved me - maybe it was my brother, maybe it was my mother. But in the end, I couldn’t let go of the hatred in my heart that fueled my need for vengeance, and I left. That was the last time I saw you for almost three years.

“During that time, I worked hard to focus solely towards achieving my goal. Kabuto would feed me relevant information about Konoha from time to time, and that’s when I learned that you were training under Tsunade. I remember thinking it was a good fit for you - you always cared for others, you were one of the most intelligent in our class, and your chakra control was better than mine. I felt proud, but I quickly suppressed those feelings, knowing that any bonds I had would get in the way of avenging my clan.”

Sakura’s brows furrow together as she appears to make a connection. “The Uchiha massacre,” she says softly, “that’s right, everyone in your clan was killed. I remember now, hearing my parents talk about the boy in my class who suffered a great tragedy. That must’ve been when I became curious about you.” He watches the sadness creep into her expression as she reconciles with the idea of a child losing his entire clan in one night.

“Is there anything else that you remember?” He’s hopeful at this tidbit of information she provides, wanting to distract her from the feelings her empathy often engulfs her in.

“It’s not perfect, but I have some memory through the Fourth Great Shinobi War. I remember activating my byakugou seal soon after you had joined us, excited to be part of Team 7 once more.”

The corner of his lips lift up into a slight smirk at the memory of Sakura turning the battlefield into her personal playground as she uprooted the ground beneath their feet. “I always knew you were capable.”

The words of praise have her heart rate picking up speed as she remembers the surge of pride she had felt in that moment.

“So...how did we end up together?”

Sasuke runs his thumb across her fingers, watching as each one flexes downward under the slight pressure he applies before squeezing them slightly in his palm. He lays his head on her legs, looking up to see her trying to hide how flustered that makes her. She clears her throat to indicate to him that she’s waiting for an answer.

“You saved Naruto and I from bleeding to death after our battle.” He pauses to allow her time to think this over, wondering if she’ll remember all of the events leading up to that moment. The range of emotions that reflect themselves in her eyes tell him that she does; happiness when the war ended, fear when he announced his plans to take over Konoha, a tinge of pain when he had put her under the genjutsu, and finally overwhelming sadness and relief when she had found them lying next to one another.

“I had decided to travel after being forgiven for my crimes, wanting to see the world that I had blinded myself to for many years. We kept in touch through letters for a while, but I guess that wasn’t enough for you.” Mischief twinkles in his mismatched eyes as he continues, curious as to how she’ll respond. “You came after me one day, asking me if I’d let you join me in my travels. I objected at first.”

“Why is that?”

“Because...I had done enough to hurt you by that point. Not every part of the journey was easy or safe, and I would never forgive myself for letting anything else happen to hurt you on my behalf.” He averts his gaze to their intertwined hands that rest on her lap in front of his face. Sakura brings her other hand to rest on his head, running her fingers through his surprisingly soft hair, hoping to comfort him in his regret.

“I didn’t believe that I deserved someone with such pure intentions as company during this time, and honestly, I still don’t. I vowed to protect you through anything that came our way long before I gave you that ring, and I’ve unfortunately failed yet again.” She was in the hospital at this very moment, struggling to regain her memory of him, due to his own shortcomings. The irony of it left a bitter taste in his mouth.

Strands of her rosy hair tickle against his cheek as she leans down towards him to place a gentle kiss on his temple. “I’m okay,” she whispers. “I’m still here because of you.”

He turns his head to look up at her, finding tears welling up in her brilliantly bright eyes. “I’m sorry for worrying you, Sasuke-k-“

He gently removes his hand from her grip, only to replace it on the back of her neck before raising his head up to meet her lips with his own. Raising himself into a sitting position before he breaks their connection, Sasuke pulls her into his chest. The steady pulse of his heart against his skin was a welcome comfort to Sakura as her tears soaked into the material of his shirt.

“I’m so glad you’re okay,” his voice wavers. “I’m sorry that I let this happen to y-“

“Don’t blame yourself. It was a mistake on my part. If you weren’t there, I wouldn’t be here right now.” She feels his grip tighten around her as she brings her arms around his chest. Familiar feelings of the comfort of home encompass her as she breathes in his scent. The rhythmic rise and fall of his chest against her cheek would always be her refuge.

“Don’t think that I could ever forget you.” She raises her head to look up at him, the curve of her lips complementing the warmth in her eyes. Sasuke’s lips are soft as he presses them onto her forehead, imparting his relief and gratitude to her before pulling away.

“Me either,” he promises.

#sasusaku #sasusaku fanfiction #sasusaku fanfic #sasuke uchiha #sakura uchiha #mine #my fic

[ddaenghoney]

chapter five

masterlist link in blog description.

As a successful songwriter, you want nothing more than the acknowledgment that the chart-topping musical pieces are your own creations. But contracts, relationships, and the difficulty of facing the stakes involved head on, keep your mouth shut until pressure builds too much.

Pairing(s): Park Jimin x Y/N, Min Yoongi x Y/N

disclaimer: any characters depicted do not represent the actual personality of the respected idol in real life.

Series warning(s)/genre(s): Chapter-based written fic, Slow-burn relationship(s), Fake-dating, Unrequited love, Songwriter/producer!oc, idol!Jimin, idol/songwriter/producer!Yoongi, friends with benefits, drama, romance, smut, angst, fluff (updated as needed)

Chapter warning(s): none.

Word count: 5340

if you enjoy please, please let me know!

The onslaught of work involved in helping a girl group ready themselves for their upcoming comeback left you thankfully busy. Personal preference dictates whether your input in the songs’ meanings is used; some idols prefer to create their own interpretations of the songs so that they’re not completely absent of the creative process, while others let you tell them in detail what the lyrics are intended to mean so that your touch isn’t completely lost. In either scenario, the idols generally think of what is more respectful to you, and the mixed opinions of what that means has been long undefined. At this point, you don’t care either way. The song won’t be remembered as your creation, whether the true meaning is stated or not makes no difference.

In any case, the quartet of girls in this group preferred your meanings. Along with that they’re also grateful for you to help in sound arrangement as well; letting things be put together in your vision. Timing-wise you’re happy to help them out, eager for long hours to be focused on various tasks rather than the instances of running into Jimin around the company.

Before you know it, it’s not as cold throughout the daytime, and Namjoon’s conversations with you commonly track back to his conception of menu items for spring that seems to be moving in fast.

“Y/N,” Your stupor disturbs at Yoongi’s voice. You turn in your chair, finding him peeking from the opening of the company lounge, “My stylist wants you to see her when you can.”

Along with the passing of time, the pictures dropped New Year’s Eve of you and Yoongi died away in the online forums after being publicized for a week on multiple magazine headlines. Despite Yerin stating you both would act as a couple, SoundWave never made an announcement confirming what the pictures seemed to mean to everyone. You were silently grateful of the fact, ignoring it and hoping it would drift into the corner of thought and forgotten entirely. The idea crushed from an email notification on your phone last week sent to both of you stating you needed to go on a date sometime to renew the public’s interest.

“Okay.” You nod your head at Yoongi and he leaves practically the second he hears confirmation. Like Jimin, you haven’t spoken to Yoongi much in the past month and a half. Just as you assumed, his perception of you dropped when he learned of your position in the company. You can’t be bothered to clarify anything with how you’ve felt lately anyways.

Still, his dismissive attitude in that moment causes your eyes to roll, and you spin on the chair back to your open laptop and half-finished, now cold coffee. How in the hell the two of you could manage to interact in a way that resembles a couple is beyond you. Nonetheless, he hasn’t mentioned his desire to rebel and skip out on the date idea, so you can only assume he intends to follow through with the demands.

“I picked out some outerwear from a sponsor on his upcoming album.” Yoongi’s stylist is peppier than either of you about the occasion, and you almost ask her to go on it in your place. She guides you to a near empty rack, only showcases three elegant and expensive coats of vastly different styles. “I wasn’t sure what sort of things you wear usually, so there’s some variety to help you make a comfortable outfit. I’d really appreciate if you’re out seen in one of them though.”

You nod, actually happy that she mentioned taking your preferences into consideration. It seems to be a concept unfamiliar to Yerin. “I wasn’t really going to dress up much. Actually I don’t really know what he and I plan to do for the date. He just said he’ll pick me up at my place at seven.” You shrug, pulling on the sleeve of one of the more eccentric jackets to get a better view of it and the embellishments. Not something you think you could pull off. “Probably stand in a park let people take pictures and go home.” The stylist laughs next to you, pulling another longcoat from the rack and removing the hanger so you could try it on.

“When I saw him earlier, Yoongi was asking me about good locations for a date actually.” She steps from you to look over the coat, analyzing its fit on you. “I like this one, the color is easy to match things with.” You turn towards the mirror, judging the dark blue fabric for yourself.

“He did?” You’re audibly surprised, almost forgetting to pay attention to the clothing.

“Yeah,” She sits back into a chair, letting you move around to test its comfortability. “Well, granted he’s pretty jaded about the whole thing, but I guess he figures he needs to make the best of it?” She shrugs, fingers tapping away at her phone screen. “I guess it could be just to look like you’re both natural.”

That’s true. You shrug off the coat, “I’ll wear this one, if it’s okay.” She grins standing back up and taking the clothing from you, rambling about it looking great and that she’ll put it in a bag so you can take it home, along with some accessories from the same brand that you didn’t have to wear, but it’d be so kind of you to do so. While she moved around you think of how much he intends to present himself as your boyfriend. Frankly, you prefer hand holding to be the maximum public affection. “You worked with Yoongi at the other company, right?”

“Oh yeah,” The stylist steps to you with the large bag in hand, “I’ve been on his styling team for almost two years.”

“So,” You speak slowly, trying to phrase the question best, “If he has a bad opinion of someone, is it likely to change if he gets to know them, or,” You bite your lip, shrugging in defeat, “Is it just something I’ll have to deal with indefinitely?” “He doesn’t like you?” Her head tilts in evident confusion and surprise, “Wouldn’t have guessed. I don’t know though, maybe if it’s a misunderstanding or you both just got off on the wrong foot he may think differently if you clear it up?”

---

If you think about it in the way his stylist explained, obviously clearing up the wrong ideas would be the best solution. In the least it would give the best chance at an amicable work experience from then on, instead of the begrudging interactions that currently occur. Would he listen to your reasoning is the issue.

Your phone buzzes from the coffee table, and the message is what you expect.

Yoongi, 7:14pm: I’m in front of your apartment building.

Y/N, 7:14pm: Heading down then.

You nearly grimace, sliding the luxurious coat over your shoulders. If the entire night is going to consist of monotone conversation or lack thereof while awkwardly clinging to one another like a couple, then you didn’t know how long you could stand it. One date sounds bad enough, but to think there’s an indefinite amount following leaves you sighing as the elevator takes you down.

For some reason you dramatically, in the corner of your mind, anticipate press from the moment you step out of the front door. Like they tail Yoongi for the chance of any abnormal information, or even what brand of cereal he gets at a supermarket. The reality is the low activity of the street in front of your apartment, and the motor of Yoongi’s Audi R8 humming in the midst of it all. The picturesque scene of the beautifully sleek dark gray, shiny finish is what you expect to remember the most tonight.

“So do I get to find out eventually where we’re going?” You ask him after a short greeting mixed with you strapping against the wonderfully pristine leather. Yoongi’s fingertips tap on the steering wheel, a pensive expression making his eyebrows crease,

“Honestly, I couldn’t think of something.”

You nod, pulling out your phone to try and think of your own ideas, “Do you want to eat?”

“Can I ask you something?” He turns towards you slightly, and you realize the car is in park when an arm strays from the wheel to the center armrest. Your body shifts from his as a reaction, apprehensive though unconscious of the fact. Your head tilting yes tells him to go on. “Are you really okay with this all? You accept it?”

“I don’t really have a choice otherwise do I?” Your eyebrows narrow at his assumptions of you. “What do you expect me to say to the CEO? That I refuse to do this all?”

“It’d be a start if you’re also trying, yeah.” The word ‘also’ registers in your head, and you wonder how many times he’s tried to talk his way out of this to Yerin. Or if he had at all. You believe so. From the image portrayed in the public of him, Yoongi nonconforming to the false relationship sounds plausible.

“Maybe you can say something, but I’ll lose my job.” You start scanning through your app of trending eateries in the city. A new place to try so at least something good can come out of the evening.

“She said that?” He’s surprised and you only shrug, still eyeing the device.

“No, but what’s stopping her. I’m not like you where the press is going to question what happened. She has nothing to lose getting rid of me. I don’t contribute like any of you idols, right?” Quiet envelops the end of your small rant, a long breath heaving from your lungs at restarting the frustration you feel. Yoongi notices your fingers stop scrolling along the screen, and your glaring eyes to complete the scowl. There’s more for you to tell, but you’re silent.

“From what I’ve learned, you’re practically the sole reason why the company took off in sales almost four years ago.”

Your head turns towards Yoongi. He lacks an apologetic tone and does not seem particularly impressed either, but something about his eyes gentle, approachable gaze makes you think there’s even an inkling of hope for his opinion of you. Incidentally, no one else has attempted to look up a record of all the hits and award winning tracks you’ve created. To go from nothing to his observative comment, it feels like a step in a different-- new direction.

“Can we go do something, please?” It feels like you shouldn’t dwell on the ideas vaguely present in his words. With the impossibility of change engulfing you in the form of Yerin’s firm words, you didn’t want to think about the world that exists in acknowledging all of your contributions to SoundWave like it feels with the simple sentence of Yoongi’s observations. Because it’s not able to happen. Just the fewest of people know what you do and only three, four now you suppose, have an inkling to acknowledge the fact.

In the drive to a small park a couple of blocks from a restaurant he enjoys, Yoongi and you settle into the quiet of the ride. You can avoid thinking of everything by studying the interior of the car and internally debating on whether you wanted to invest in a driver’s license after all. “Should we go over rules?”

You startle from staring at the digital screen and all of the buttons surrounding it with their countless functions. A nod to cover your daze, then a clearer response that blurts without your mind filtering, “I barely even want to accept holding hands to be honest with you.”

Your hand travels to your mouth at the brash statement, but the nerves clear when Yoongi interrupts your internal monologue of swearing with laughter. Completely amused by your surprised slip of words, and wonders if you had the habit of doing that like you had at Namjoon’s bar cafe.

“Good, we’re on the same page then.” He nods, slowing to a stop at a red light. You stare inquisitively, thinking the avoidance of physical affection to be wonderful considering the situation, and even suitable to the personality you’ve seen of him in the sparing amounts you’ve spoken to him. But unsuitable to the SUGA in papers for over a year. Though he’s never had a public relationship, you only recall an uncaring, do-whatever-I-feel-like persona ever to be depicted.

For the sake of the public’s sight, you both walk through the park, hands clasping together. You both aren’t likely to win any awards for the endeavor, and instead maybe even an ear full from Yerin about a lack of sincerity, but frankly you don’t care. The gentle sway of your arms between one another as you stroll along is enough for you, and endurable when he mentions the pizza at the restaurant to always be hand tossed and have a wonderful soft to crispy ratio.

“What’s your favorite of the songs you’ve made?” The question comes after some languid sips of beer on his end and hard cider on your own. It’s random given the conversation topics from before lead to short replies and silence, whereas the current one is something you think you could talk about for hours if he doesn’t stop you. You hum, slumping back into your seat while Yoongi comfortably drinks more.

“There was this one that I made that was called Puzzles, and it’s about,” You pause, wondering if you’re going to appear like you’re rambling, but Yoongi stares back attentively. “I guess just the idea about pressures holding someone back and how it’s difficult to overcome your own self to try and achieve something you want.” His eyes drift and you take a long sip, assuming you bored him.

“Is that one a group hasn’t used yet?” Yoongi asks after consideration, his lips almost pouting at himself being unable to recall the title ever appearing on the charts. You’re a little stunned by the response, having not expected him to try and remember the song.

“Oh, it was released under the name Meteor Shower.”

“Why?” More confusion in his voice. You refrain a disheartened smile from the truth of it,

“Just what they decided.” Dissatisfaction in your voice registers in Yoongi’s ears. “I don’t really have a say.” You go on, fingers tracing against the condensation of your drink’s glass.

“Jimin,” Your head raises in an instance at the name he says. Yoongi notes the action and falls briefly into silence, then goes on slowly, “He was the one who used that song, right?”

You bite your lip at your impulse, wishing you have better control over your reaction to just his name in the air. You nod at Yoongi’s answer, not minding a lack of follow up questions. When that fact of the song comes back into the light, you remember also how Jimin’s never heard the meanings behind songs that he’s used of yours. Always preferring to create his own interpretation so that he wouldn’t be completely taking from you.

“I hope he’s not mad at you for having to do this whole relationship thing.” Yoongi comments quietly, staring towards the tabletop that awaits a pizza. When he thinks about it, he hasn’t seen Jimin around the company at all to apologize to him about the situation at hand, considering himself to be a part of the cause for the false relationship occurring in the first place.

“He’s not. Don’t worry about it.” You say before inhaling. You take a large gulp of the sour beverage as Yoongi looks at you skeptically. Setting the now empty glass back down, you exhale, avoiding eye contact but smiling emptily, “He and I aren’t anything anymore. Really don’t worry.”

As an opposite reaction, Yoongi’s mouth parts in shock, immediately thinking that what happened outside of Namjoon’s cafe, just a simple offer to wait with you until the taxi arrived, caused not only the mess of a fake relationship, but now dissent between you and Jimin. The waiter settles the pizza on the table, steam flowing from the top, and toppings perfectly cooked just as Yoongi had told you. You ask for the same beer as Yoongi before the waiter quickly disappears to other tables.

“You both what?” You turn towards him, not expecting to be met with his horrified expression, “I’m sorry-- I’ll talk to him for you, if he’s angry-”

“He’s not.” You shake your head, hand raising to stop him from worrying further, and hoping to end the conversation before you’re able to dwell on everything like you’ve agreed with Namjoon not to do. “Really, explaining things would give me a headache-- I’ll probably cry too, so I won’t get into it,” You laugh slightly, somewhat nervous Yoongi thinks. “Point is: it’s not your fault. It’s over-” You nod your head once with your ending remark. The hand you have raised curls into a fist at that statement and Yoongi bites his lip. “This pizza looks delicious and I want to think about that.” You nod further until Yoongi head joins in your forcing agreement, then quickly shovels a large slice onto your plate.

Minutes pass eating pizza, and Yoongi finishing his beer before your second arrives, then him also ordering another as well. And there’s an understandable drop in conversation. A comment on the food being good on your end and Yoongi nodding, happened to be mid-bite when you speak the words so he’s unable to respond. So instead he contemplates how it’s possible that every topic about you that he tries to start ends up with being made to say something that upsets you. He thinks about those silly conversation starter threads and wonders if their dumb questions would’ve been a better way to speak than his purely innocent question of your favorite song you’ve made.

When Yoongi thinks more about what you’ve said, from the time you entered his car until the finishing conversation before the pizza arrives, he feels uncomfortable about the information you have disclosed. Even if Yerin hadn’t verbally threatened your job, just the fact that you felt like it would be gone the second you try to take a stand against the current way things are sounds incredibly bleak. When he considers the other idols in the company that he’s asked about you, it makes sense that you think that though. They’ve only mentioned small things, muttering uncertainties whenever he commented that it didn’t seem right for your songs to be credited to another name.

And with your complacency to the fake relationship, Yoongi wonders exactly how much control Yerin hovers over everyone in the company. Or if it’s just you that’s particularly handled so that you’ve learned to just accept things as they come.

Your plates lie empty on the table, save for the unfinished pizza crust from the last slice you tried to finish. Beside them are the second set of empty beer glasses, where Yoongi’s elbow settles next to his. He leans his cheek on his hand, your arms crossing over your front as you lean back in your seat. Your face feels warm and half of you blames the speed you downed the latter half of your beverage. Yoongi glances arbitrarily beyond you as other patrons enter the restaurant, not particularly focused on them or anything in the place. Just wondering how the hell he was supposed to do this every time Yerin sent a demand to your email accounts.

“Joon’s place isn’t far from here.” Yoongi’s eyes flick back to you as you stare aimlessly at the table. You go on, glancing to him, “Walking distance.”

Yoongi pays despite your protest that you would. All it takes is him simply reaching the cashier first, while you’re still managing to pull your coat back on. Your glare when he meets you has him shrug, taking your hand as he leads you both out despite your pouting expression. “Think of it as an apology.”

Despite your claim of closeness, the walk will take about fifteen minutes you say after already going far enough for it to be a little ridiculous to turn back around and walk an even greater distance to retrieve his car. Yoongi doesn’t change in disposition at the information, just a passive nod and an observation that the weather outside wasn’t that cold anyways.

“Can I say something now?” You ask him walking along the cement beside little shops in the park area that were starting to close for the evening. People roaming up and down around you to their own dining activities or other. The streetlamps buzz awake, luminating the way free of bugs in the wintertime.

“Okay.” Yoongi recalls saying that paraphrased line earlier. Has a hunch this is your time to bring about a conversation that would need to be forced into civility among the general public.

“I don’t like lying to people.” You say into the cool air, and Yoongi refrains from frowning at the randomness of the statement. “When I got into this job, I didn’t think it would lead to much. I thought it’d be insignificant. I didn’t have the foresight and I was stupid for not thinking about the long-term, sure,” You exhale and Yoongi remembers the conversation in the elevator. He bites his lip, realizing how his words never settled on your end. Why would they. “I guess you can think whatever you want about me, but I don’t like what I am in the company either. So don’t act like you’re the only one.”

You find Namjoon behind the counter when you both enter into his establishment. Releasing Yoongi’s hand, you start to shrug off your coat in the warmth of the cafe while Yoongi does the same with his jacket. Namjoon appears surprised to see Yoongi with you, though you told him you had to go on a date with him that evening, he never expected you to bring him to the cafe. You sit on your bar stool while Yoongi takes the one beside it, looking around at the relaxed environment because he hadn’t taken the opportunity the first time he was there.

“How’s the date thing?” Namjoon asks already having the answer from your responsive scowl and Yoongi’s dismissive shrug. Yoongi then pauses in consideration, glancing between the two of you,

“Wait, you told him?”

“He’s my best friend. From college, remember?” You say in return simply, tracing patterns on the counter. “I’m sure you’ve told someone you trust about this mess.” Yoongi’s head tilts in acceptance of that information, then looks to Namjoon as his arms cross over his chest.

“Did you both want something to drink or eat?”

“We just had dinner.” Yoongi tells him while you counter the question with a nod. Namjoon resists a humored smile at the lack of contentment stemming between you both. He knows it’s rude to laugh at all given the parameters of the relationship, but it’s still funny to look at when you’re both on completely different pages.

“I want the dessert drink I had the other day.” You say, “Get Yoongi the same one, I need to pay for something tonight.”

“You don’t.” Yoongi rolls his eyes, pulling out his phone as he feels a text notification. While he replies to it you give Namjoon a look that says you do in fact need to pay. Namjoon nods once in response and walks off to make your drinks, laughing to himself once he’s turned away. “I’m sorry about always saying something insensitive to you, by the way.”

“What do you mean?” You continue tracing patterns on the wood, watching from a distance as Namjoon prepares the drinks as if you’ll ever be able to replicate whatever he does.

“Well I think you’ve ended up mad at something I say every time I’ve spoken to you.” You turn your head resting on your palm to face Yoongi, nearly combatting his thoughts until he continues along quieter, “And it’s usually warranted. Especially what I said to you in the elevator.”

The reflection he’s taken towards his words is clear to you. You’re somewhat upset with yourself at his apologies, because he’s commonly sent them in your direction when he feels like they’re needed. You believe he’s judged what he sees and hears of you, but you’re guilty of the same misinterpretations towards Yoongi.

“I’m just overly sensitive.” You turn the blame towards yourself, and Yoongi shakes his head, stopping you from going further into self-deprecation.

“I was angry in the elevator about this dating thing, and took it out on you because of how confused I was when you told me about your job.” He pauses at the word, eyebrows creasing to quickly add, “Which, yeah, I don’t like it, but I don’t know the story behind it, so,” He shrugs, “Frankly I can’t rationalize it, but I think you really don’t like it too, so I’ll stop being a jerk about it.” You bite your lip, nearly chuckling at an inappropriate time from his apologetic rambling. Humor drifts from your eyes when Yoongi finishes, much softer, more resigned, “And if someone brings up subjects that hurt to talk about, you shouldn’t feel sensitive about it. It’s not your fault that some things are hard to discuss.”

You sense that there are his own memories swimming through the insinuation of the words. Obviously, Yoongi has past events that would give him the same scraping feeling to bring into the surface, so perhaps it is something he’s reminding himself by saying that. Nonetheless, the sentiment is comforting.

“You’re right.” Yoongi glances towards you, biting his inner cheek when your lips cast the smallest of smiles. Grateful, he thinks. But more importantly like the ground beneath you both feels even again.

Namjoon returns settling cups on saucers before you both. Cutely decorated with penguins for the winter season, foam frothing barely over. “This has alcohol in it,” He tells Yoongi while you’re scoffing as you reach for one. “I doubt she ever told you, because she drinks it like water, but just so you know.”

Yoongi nods a little, smiling at the tidbit of information while you mutter something about being a strong drinker and that’s it. “Actually, I forgot. I’m driving aren’t I.”

You and Namjoon both look at Yoongi, whose face appears slightly embarrassed and just as surprised at the fact.

“Joon, this is your chance to drive an Audi.” You tug at Namjoon’s sleeve, watching him recoil away,

“No thanks, driving’s not my thing.” You squint, while Yoongi resigns and sips at the sweet dessert drink that tastes to him something like a hot, spiked, milk tea. “Y/N, I already piss the workers off when we used to go go-karting.” You nod at the memory, smiling softly as you recall them practically ready to yell at him when he somehow managed to drive out of the track.

“I’ll get us a taxi.” Yoongi says, enjoying the drink immensely as he continuously drinks. You open your mouth to protest as Namjoon beats you to it.

“Always a taxi with you two.” You and Yoongi both glare at his words, watching Namjoon’s arms rise in defense, then he side-steps away, “Heard my name getting called from somewhere--” He ignores you shaking your head at his nonsense. “Be back eventually.”

“He’s a dumbass sometimes, sorry.” You finally take the first sip of your drink while Yoongi sets his glass down. Nearly empty, he attempts to savor the rest.

“It’s okay.” He says simply, finger tapping quietly while trying to register the song that plays in the background. You feel like the silence is more bearable, at least amicable. The warm drink in hand is easy to enjoy; a nice difference from when you both scarfed down pizza to avoid further conversation.

“What’s your favorite song that you’ve made?” You finally return the question nearly two hours later. Yoongi smiles at the fact, then sits upright in his seat, considering the different songs and their various importances to him. Yoongi hums to let you know he’s just thinking. You smile towards him, finding his craned neck to look towards the ceiling while he mulls it over slightly endearing.

“Closure-wise So Far Away means the most to me.” He answers, thoughts in his head warm at the mention of the track. You take only a second to recall the one Yoongi refers to, and shift on your seat towards him, nodding,

“I love that song.” You’re reminded of the time you heard it on shuffle in a new release playlist, that particular period of your life having been stressful for various, multiple reasons, but the night it came on you were able to escape and just enjoy the lyrics. “I think it’s still one of the songs that’s always in my ‘most listened to’ playlist from the end of last year.” You go on, not catching Yoongi’s intent gaze and lips tightening to refrain from any type of proud smile. Instead he appears a little shy at your apparent affection towards his song. His hand strays to fidget a small rub on the back of his neck while your sentences conclude and you’re left finally realizing your actions. “Oh, I’m sorry, I went a little on my own tangent there.” Flustered. You take a sip of your drink while Yoongi just shrugs, smiling a little flicker towards the bartop,

“No problem. I’m sure you know there’s no overboard when telling someone how much they like something you’ve made.” He’s in his own thoughts for moments, recollecting scrolling through social feeds for hours after releasing new tracks to see the response. Hearing an audience sing back the lyrics and pull out signs telling him that his work is meaningful, comforting, helpful-- heard. There’s nothing other than appreciation for your words in Yoongi’s head.

Until the silence lingers and his neck turns back towards you. Your thumb traces the outside of the ceramic, eyes in the direction of the foam settled on the drink. A contemplative expression that appears also unfulfilled. Yoongi’s lips part to speak but he says nothing as he realizes that you’ve likely never had a fan or listener to your creations tell you their opinions of the songs. Any feedback from the public is directed to other faces, and you’re never the receiver.

On the ride to your apartment, Yoongi considers your age, and the time you’ve worked with SoundWave. The contract your under, the bits and pieces of the circumstances he has the information of. Refraining from lingering conversations of your situation, and opposed entirely to speaking to Yerin in favor of a change. Yoongi glances at you as you look out at the passing roads under city lights wrapped in January breezes. You’re absent of a fresh appearance like most of the population drifts into at the beginning of a new year. He thinks it’s disheartening, maybe even worrisome that if situations had been different for himself that he could’ve been in the same position that you’re in.

The position.

Yoongi frowns as the cab drives from his apartment, recalling the softness in your eyes and the forced, but amicable smile you gave to him when you exited the taxi at your stop. With his hands tucked deep into his pocket he remains motionless outside the building, chill trying to seep through the layers of his clothing, but he ignores it. Thinking instead of the sympathy that trickled into his chest when he heard the silence following his comment of hearing people say things about songs. The sympathy because he knew you felt the same: you’d enjoy listening to the sort of things fans say about your music. But Yoongi also felt a panging sensation saying you shouldn’t be unable to relate to him. The songs and some production even are entirely yours.

And to Yoongi you’re owed the acknowledgement from the world as such.

if you enjoy please, please let me know! i hope you enjoy the series, i’m working really hard on it! : )

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[sultrysirens]

Story Time

Out of nowhere I decided to share a bit of my story as a fanfiction writer, starting with my original introduction into the profession. It’s going to be a long one, but hopefully, and inspiring one. Skip if you’re not interested.

NOTE: This includes spoilers for certain anime and fandoms. If you don’t know Dragonball Z or Inuyasha, specifically, you’ll be quite lost.

The Beginning

How everything started was just through surfing the net. Back then my interest was Dragonball Z. I was 14. I had only had the internet for a few months, so everything about it was new. This was 20 years ago, now, back in 2000. I used Yahoo! for all my searches. Google had not yet been born. Fanfiction.net was the main hub where all these amazing stories were birthed, and yet at this point I had not yet found it.

What I found, first, was a fanfiction writer who had a website. Geocities, I believe. I can’t recall how I found it, exactly, except that I had only just learned about Bulma and Vegeta getting together and thought they were an amazing couple. I looked up art, and it led me to this site. I can’t recall the site’s name anymore, but I remember the tagline for it was something like, “Bulma and Vegeta’s Cove.”

One thing I can distinctly recall is a small gif in one corner of the main page, displaying a chibi Vegeta with a microphone in one hand, going between 2 or 3 singing poses. It was cute.

This site was coded in such a way that it linked directly to fanfiction.net, displaying the owner’s many, many, many fanfictions in an embedded window. The stories were largely explicit, included sex and, in a few stories, rape, all of them AUs from all the rest. But each had a singular goal: Bulma and Vegeta’s romance, how they ended up getting together.

Some of the stories I remember very clearly. Others have faded. Some were modern AUs, one included dimension-hopping via a magical device Bulma created and recharged every 24 hours (sound familiar, anyone?), and some were painfully OOC but in very sweet ways.

I devoured these stories. There must have been two dozen, with most of them multi-chapter works. And, eventually, I started to notice the format with these stories, how it seemed to be a miniature explorer window within the website. Eventually, I clicked on the mini website and was given a full introduction to fanfiction.net and its massive breadth.

Back in those days, fanfiction.net (or FF.net, as it was usually called) allowed explicit content. And this I looked for very directly. I enjoyed the “lemons” more than anything, easily reading the most ridiculous stories just for the porn therein.

Eventually, I figured it out. I understood fanfiction and what it meant. And though I’d only been using a computer for a few months, I started writing.

It was a painful process at first. Think back to your first months with a keyboard and how difficult it was to get used to the format, how to move your fingers. I had to stare directly at the keyboard to write anything and it was a pain, a slow-going endeavor of passion.

My first fanfictions were Dragonball Z, unsurprisingly. I made a few silly ones, a few serious ones, a few sexual ones. At 14, with no grasp of the anatomy of sex, I was writing porn, using the porn I’d already read as resources. I didn’t know what a clitoris was, but I knew ladies apparently went nuts when men tongued them, so that’s what I wrote.

Eventually I got my first hit: Temptation. It was a Bulma/Vegeta story. I don’t remember it very clearly, and this is probably for the best. The plot, as I recall, was Bulma getting sick and Vegeta having to be her nurse for a time. Eventually she got worse and worse, until she recognized why she was sick: she’d cut herself one night with a device that’d had a compound on it. I can’t recall what the compound was designed to do, but the short version is it made you feel weaker and sicker until you increased your physical activity to burn it out.

This led to wild sex. Like, very wild sex. For hours. My lack of experience evidently was not a consideration; I was given compliments by the dozens. I’d done good.

And now I was addicted.

The Second Hit

I was 16 now. We’d be moving out of my childhood home soon, but I didn’t know this yet. I’d been spending a lot of time with my sister, who was 26, and soaking up Adult Swim shows on her cable. Inuyasha was my new obsession, as well as a liberal amount of Trigun. I lived, slept, ate, and breathed these shows. My head was constantly alight with ideas, concepts, and desires. I wrote near-constantly.

Through this, I managed my second big hit: Transformations.

It’s been a long time, now, and I can’t recall the beginning as much as the ending. I think perhaps I called it something else at the start.

The premise was simple: Kagome, the main character, suddenly transforms into a half-demon, a hanyou, after a demon bites her in battle. I remember that initially I was just writing bullshit; I had no filter and didn’t edit or delete anything. What I wrote got posted verbatim. And, at first, it was cringe-worthy.

I can distinctly recall two things: first, Sesshomaru -- Inuyasha’s full-demon elder brother -- caught Kagome’s scent and investigated and had difficulty resisting her. She was a half-wolf demon, and he was attracted to that. Earlier she and Inuyasha were together in a cave, and her transformation had given her a tail -- which she didn’t like. She chased it, trying to catch it and rip it off.

That’s when the accusations started coming in.

Out of nowhere, and totally unexpectedly, I was getting a slew of comments accusing me of copying another popular fanfiction. I’d legitimately never heard of it, and I had to search it out. I remember reading the first chapter or two and feeling surprised; they were very similar, to the point where I couldn’t blame anyone for thinking I’d copied it.

This was a case of great minds thinking alike, or so I said at the time. I was amused more than anything, but it was clear the accusations weren’t going to stop. Eventually I deleted the story and started over. I’d learned a bit in those few chapters I’d posted and decided that I didn’t really want the events to unfold the way they had, so starting over sounded like a great idea.

And it was.

Now came Transformations as it remains today. The beginning is the same -- Kagome is bitten by a demon and transforms into a half-wolf demon -- but the events following take a different turn from the original.

It was a monster of a hit. I got multiple comments and reviews on every chapter, and I can remember doing this thing for a long time in which I threaten the readers at the end of each chapter with various weapons, only to have the weapon backfire somehow and hurt and/or kill me. The readers seemed to enjoy it, and soon they were suggesting new weapons for me to use.

I loved it.

Eventually the story ended at 64 chapter, but back then my chapters weren’t nearly as long as I write them now, and the final chapter was just a family tree of sorts leading the characters from Feudal Japan to modern day. It was a great, beautiful monster and I had drawn dozens of pictures to go along with it.

It was actually through this that I decided I needed a better place to post my art and thus discovered DeviantART.com. That’s been my main art gallery ever since, around 16 years now (I believe I created it in 2004, a year after I started the fic). If you go there and head all the way back to the first images I posted, you’ll find all of that art remaining even today.

It’s...pretty bad. X’D

But the story doesn’t end there. I wanted my fic to have a greater reach, so I started looking for more websites. I found MediaMiner.org, which was appealing because it hosted both written works and art. And once Transformation was finished, the story concluded, I found I couldn’t quite let it go.

So I did something I’ve not done since: I created an alternate ending.

Titled Changing Lives, this story picked up after chapter 28 of Transformations and went a different way. It treated the story of Transformations as just that: a story, written by Kagome, which Inuyasha read while she was gone one day. He was thunderstruck by it, given it so clearly screamed “I love you” and was full of romance -- and sex.

This led to them getting together, but soon thereafter, tragedy struck.

Kagome was kidnapped on her way home from school. By the time Inuyasha found her, she’d been gang-raped and discarded.

The story very deeply included time travel and revenge aspects from that point on, and I can also recall giving the character Miroku a reincarnation as a detective. He was put on the case, and with Inuyasha’s help, had all the men arrested -- there were seven of them.

Then they started dying.

Inuyasha wasn’t doing this, but he was happy to allow it to happen. The detective did his job per the law, trying to keep the criminals safe as they started dropping like flies. The killer left notes written on the cell walls in the criminal’s own blood, though I can’t quite recall the sequence anymore.

What I do remember is this: the first one read, “He touched her first.” The rest followed that sequence, killing the men in order -- second, third, fourth, etc. I remember one said “hurt her”, one said “made her cry”, and so on.

Eventually, the truth was discovered: Inuyasha was killing them, but not “young” Inuyasha. “Old” Inuyasha. The one who’d lived through the centuries. And his story was the most tragic of all.

In his time, Kagome had been raped and her rapists arrested, as normal. Then, years later, they were freed, having served their time, and immediately they tried to track her down. She was pregnant at the time with Inuyasha’s child. When she saw she was being chased, she jumped down the well back to his time, and the men followed her.

They traveled through time with her but had no idea. They killed her there, then climbed out, and Inuyasha arrived too late to help. But the men were there, confused and lost, and the blood of his wife and child were on them. He slaughtered them all.

But now the well had ceased functioning. He couldn’t return to her time. And, at first, he was just...sad. He mourned. Then, with time, he began to plan. For five centuries, he planned.

His plan was to keep Kagome from ever getting raped. Alas, he failed in this, so instead he decided to get pre-revenge and kill the men while they were imprisoned. He succeeded, but along the way grew...exhausted. By the time he murdered the last man, he had little will left to do so.

But he finished it. For her.

Then he showed himself to Kagome and Inuyasha, explaining what had happened. And he wished them well.

Changing Lives was significantly shorter than its predecessor, only 35 chapters, but I felt it was the better story, overall. I never made art for it, I don’t think, but it was more emotional.

To Present Day

I kept writing, on and off, ever since. Any time I got sufficiently involved in a story, my mind immediately began making my own stories for it. Movies, shows, video games; nothing remained untouched by my mind. I made stories for Labyrinth, Dragon Age, Trigun, Spyro, Jak & Daxter, Naruto...the list went on. I started posted on a third site, adultfanfiction.net (comprised specifically of explicit stories), and I started existing solely on my stories and the feedback I received from them.

I got better. And better. And better. I started looking back on my first stories, my first “hits”, and cringed at the horrendous grammar and articulation of my youth. But it was nostalgic as well, bringing back fond memories of writing on my home computer before we had internet and then rushing to my sister’s with a 3.5″ disc to post them via her internet.

I had a friend around this time, named Leila (Lee-lah), and drew and wrote together. We came up with original stories and though we never really posted them, we had so much fun it didn’t matter. Mostly we talked and drew together, and while I considered myself the better artist, I considered her far better at clothes designs.

Then...a dry spell. I went into college at age 20 and there I met my husband, Eric. He was 17 at the time. And he introduced me to so many more worlds than I’d known before, including the aforementioned Jak & Daxter series and the Sims 2.

Years passed. I still wrote from time to time, but it wasn’t such an obsession as it’d been before. If I had a good enough idea, I’d write it, but I tried to keep my things to oneshots. I posted many such stories on adultfanfiction.net, and I generally got positive reviews and ratings. In the meantime we were more addicted to World of Warcraft, us two and a few friends, and we played that often.

Eventually I slowed down. Time blurred together. I had a lot of good stories, but no major hits. Then came Megamind, and with it, an interesting idea that a lot of people took a liking to: Megamind as the indirect hero, and Metro Man as an abusive spouse of Roxanne. I titled it Bad to be Good, and it was an incredible story.

I started counting words with this one, only posting chapters when they reached around 6,000 words.

The story was a very serious one. It struck cords with a lot of readers, one in particular saying it helped her through some similar times with her abusive husband. We eventually became friends and remain to this day. (She since divorced him, so don’t worry about her. ♥)

Ultimately I never truly completed that story. I remember getting up to 12 chapters and then having difficulty figuring out how to proceed. I used to open the Word document from time to time, check what I’d written, and try to edit things or continue it, but it never really took. Eventually I abandoned it, but luckily the 12th chapter was a softer ending of sorts, so my readers were satisfied.

Then came the Marvel films and, with it, a resurgence in an activity I’d long since stopped participating: roleplaying.

The Crazy Train

It started simple enough. The Avengers just came out, and I was starting to see Facebook RPs popping up between the characters. Curious, I tried to find the pages in question but couldn’t locate them. I did, however, come to find out that there were dozens of pages dedicated to the main characters, alone, with dozens more popping up by the month.

Eventually I stepped in. I’d grown to love Loki’s character and subsequently found he had a canonical wife, Sigyn, but hadn’t found any pages for her. So I made one. Without checking with the other RPer, I just threw myself into a Loki page and, thankfully, that Loki accepted his “wife’s” presence.

We had fun. And our group steadily grew. A Thor, another Loki, and Odin, a Sleipnir, and a whole slew of original characters joined the ranks. I, too, began adding more pages to my roleplays, starting with Narfi and Vali -- Loki and Sigyn’s twin sons.

At the start, these two shared a page. Then, when it became increasingly obvious that people had their favorite of the two boys, I separated them. Funny enough, Vali started off as the clear favorite (he was flirty AF), but Narfi steadily became more so.

Their relationships grew. They both fell in love. They were both tricked by a succubus, giving each an unwanted child at different intervals. Narfi soon had a family of his own, as his lover had an adopted daughter and he was given a daughter of his own.

We spent years here, six or seven I think, just roleplaying with one another. Our group grew and shrank as people joined our circles or left it. There was drama in and out of the roleplay setting. Friendships were forged and abandoned. At one point a Thor page (titled Fatty Thor) targeted me for my roleplay choices and tried to get his followers to harass me. Eventually he left, deleting his page, and our RPs continued without him, never addressing his disappearance.

Then Ragnarok struck -- but not the film’s Rangarok. No, this was worse. We were impatient to have the event occur, me in large part because the mythology says that Vali slays Narfi during the sequence and I couldn’t wait to put all that pain into writing. But what really kicked this off was a friend’s page getting repeatedly deleted.

Sleipnir.

In this RP setting, Sleipnir was a fully intelligent horse capable of speech and even transforming for short periods of time into a humanoid form. He fell in love with a half-demon woman and they had a son together, a centaur named Grani. And then his page kept vanishing.

Initially, we believed the page was reported because there was a rape sequence between his character and the half-demon, though -- and this is imperative -- the two RPers had discussed this in detail before agreeing to the RP. A great deal of thought went into it before they started the roleplay.

And yet, Sleipnir’s page went down.

The RPer made a new one, and that too, went down a short time later. This was disheartening for her, and though we all did our best to help, even creating the page for her in case it was her account getting it flagged, the pages kept getting deleted. The only cause we could work out was that Microsoft just came out with a Sleipnir program of some form and were removing all other pages with that name regardless of content.

So we kicked off Ragnarok and wrecked our Facebook RP world, killing off some of the characters and leaving others behind. We moved platforms, taking our remaining world to Gaia Online, but it wasn’t to be.

Though the RPs increased in quality while there and we created avatars for each of our characters and it definitely helped the process, we just couldn’t keep it up. We were too disheartened for our friend and how things had ended on Facebook.

Slowly but surely, our RPs died. We tried just once more by moving to a new forum called Valucre, but we couldn’t quite get steam going there, either. Eventually all of the RPs died, most of them without conclusions. In some ways, we mourned the loss.

But our remaining group, a total of four of us, remained friends for a great while longer. Three of us, in particular created this very blog some years later with the purpose of posting all of our NSFW works here.

Art, writing, roleplays, etc; this blog was meant to be a joint page to display all of our wicked wiles.

For several months we didn’t post much. Kyone did the most posting during this time, art for her favorite yaoi couple of the time, both NSFW and SFW, and it was moderately popular. Then came my contribution: The Dancer.

The Resurgence

To this day, I’m not sure what really got me back into TMNT. I know I was tired of RPs but wanted the stories to continue, and thus did I begin writing fanfictions again after years of never touching them -- or, at least, never posting them.

The Bayverse movies kicked this off. I’d always loved TMNT, since I was a kid, but the Bayverse films put them in a new light. They weren’t anthropomorphic turtles under 5′ tall anymore, naked 100% of the time. They were tall, big bois, more humanoid, and more like hybrids. I loved them. I wanted them.

I wanted them to be loved.

At the start, I was under the false belief that they didn’t get much love -- i.e., no romance. I especially believed Raphael didn’t get much affection, being such an angry and brash character. Oh, how wrong I was, lol.

Thus did I start with Raphael.

At the beginning I was inspired by a story written by another page, @teradoration, featuring a merman. I wasn’t too interested in the story, personally, as it’s m|m and I’ve never enjoyed those types of stories, but the inspiration came from the fact that it was a multi-chapter work -- on Tumblr.

So I decided to write some porn.

Initially, the idea was to make a short story, something like 10 chapters. I put thought into it, into the character I wanted to create and introduce, into her appearance and history and passions. I considered Raphael, his personality, and crafted a character designed to intrigue and challenge him. Then I looked at both popular and unique character tropes and the kinds of characters I’d made and turned in another direction.

Thus was Jocelyn born, a half-black, half-Polynesian ballet dancer with blonde hair and freckles. And, at first...it was a dead story. No one saw it. No one liked it. No one took a chance on Jocelyn.

For nearly a year, I wrote chapters to an empty audience. I tried not to let it get me down, but the consensus seemed clear: no one was interested in reading it. Still, I’d started it and come to love the characters very dearly, and so I continued. For my sake, for their sake, I continued.

Then came my first big break: tmnttrashcan. If you’re wondering why I didn’t @ that one, it’s because it’s been deactivated. But this amazing woman found my story, loved it, and began sharing it. And because her blog was one driven by reblogs and gifsets, it was far more popular than this one despite its younger age.

And thus did The Dancer begin drawing attention, fans, and feedback. Thus did I finally feel as if this labor of love was validated, that I wasn’t posting just for me anymore. People were enjoying the story, and in return, I poured more effort and love into it.

This is how I thanked my readers: with better content. More drama, more emotion, more love, more heartache, more sex, more everything.

Even before this happened, however, my head had continued the story far into the future. I made a sequel -- The Dragon -- before I’d even had a concept of The DJ. But in this sequel I’d begun laying the groundwork for something in between the two, and through this I began creating Lisa.

With Lisa, I wanted to create a character that fit more securely with the next turtle on my list: Michelangelo. Rather than opposing the turtle in many ways, as Jocelyn does with Raphael, I wanted Lisa to mesh very easily with him.

The DJ had begun.

For a time, tmnttrashcan’s admin and I were fantastic friends. We talked often, over text and over voice chatting. I told her ideas I had for the future, plans going years down the line both in and out of the story, and even let her read what I’d written of The Dragon thus far. She loved it, every last word, and heaped praise at me.

I loved this woman very deeply. I’d tell her as much from time to time, and she echoed the sentiment.

Then she simply...vanished. She stopped talking to me, stopped responding. Eventually I asked her if we were no longer friends. She never answered.

It was heartbreaking.

Soon thereafter, I was also left behind by Kyone. She unfriended me. And then Tumblr decided to ban all NSFW content, so in order to preserve this blog, I was forced to delete all her NSFW art. And when she went further and removed herself from the blog, I went further too and removed all of her posts. But it wasn’t easy.

It’s been a few years since then and I remain heartbroken. We’d been friends for over a decade. I saw her grow up (we met when she was 16), saw her graduate, saw her go through schooling and jobs and hard times. Between her, myself, and Fluxx, we’d amassed a mountain of great times and greater stories. We’d been a sisterhood in all but blood. We’d even called ourselves such.

To this day there remains a hollow place in me. In short, I’ve been jaded. My whole life, I’d seen this pattern repeated: I make a friend, we become close, then they abandon me, usually within a year or two. But with Fluxx and Kyone, I’d truly believed this pattern had finally been broken. I’d believed I finally had friends for life.

Between the loss of tmnttrashcan and Kyone, however, I learned a hard lesson: not to trust so deeply.

This was repeated twice more before I gave up on sharing. With Blue Blood, twice I made a close friend, got to the point of talking near-constantly and voice chatting. Twice I shared previews of what was to come. Once I even told the entire story, everything, every last detail I have planned to the end of the series. And twice, after hearing so much of the tale, the friend vanished from me. They stopped responding. I was talking to air.

It hurt.

By now you may be wondering why this is included in my fanfiction autobiography. Well, because it spurred me on. If I can’t keep friends for long, then I’ll keep my own company. I won’t let myself down. I decided to focus on my stories, for in this I am always the most important person. I am the one who will never be abandoned. I am the creator, the god, of the worlds I shape for the entertainment of others. Readers may come and go, as much a slave to their interests as I am, but I remain. For those who stay and those who arrive later, I remain.

There is a power in this which cannot be matched, but more so, there’s an enjoyment and responsibility. My stories are unfinished but demand an ending from a slew of followers. And so I keep writing, even though the stories are largely complete in my own mind. I know how they end. I know how they intertwine, how they connect. I know the backstage dancers, how the plot lines link together, where each thread is leading; my readers do not.

And so I continue writing, even as I remain cautious about how much I share.

To The Future

What comes next is largely unknown, even to me. I have many, many, many stories, both in original settings and fandoms. I work on some of them from time to time, in between trying to focus on my bigger hits. Sometimes I just open one and begin reading what I’d already written, refreshing my memory and contemplating where I want the story to go.

I’ve considered other forms of storytelling as well. Otome games have my interest, specifically, because of the nature of them; a single protagonist and multiple love interests with their own unique tales to tell. I love that format and have tried crafting numerous stories for them, but they’ve yet to gain any real ground.

This is partly because it’s a huge undertaking. It’d require more than myself to get them made. I can do art and writing, but I know little to nothing of coding. I’m unsure how I would turn words and images into a novella-type game. Originally I wanted Fluxx and Kyone’s help -- Kyone because I felt her art is better than mine, and Fluxx because she has experience coding. I tried to get them involved. They did not get involved.

As far as otome games are concerned, I am alone.

But this is fine. I am a better writer than anything else -- better than I am an artist, a gamer, or a friend, based on my history. So I’ll continue to write. And if I never truly create an original story, if I never get published, if I never receive royalties for my years of painstaking effort, then so be it.

I made people happy. I made people gush and scream and keyboard-smash. I made people laugh and cry. I made people fall in love with that which I love.

That’s enough.

I’ll see you soon with more updates. My stories are not yet finished.

- Nightshade

#siren nightshade #autobiography #sfw #written #personal

[firstginger]

i've taken the myers briggs test a few times and gotten intp, infp, and infj (the t/f and j/p are always around 50/50) and my enneagram is a 5 with possible 7 or 8. ik this isn't super specific sorry but i always break the tests for some reason (on one website that i took the mbti test on i had to take it 3 times before it actually gave me an answer lol), but can you think of any possible daemons?

hmmm those are extremely different results and really exemplifies an issue with those kinds of tests i talked about in a different post. the mbti system isn’t actually E vs I, S vs N, T vs F, and P vs J - so while you may get about 50% J and P, the INTJ and INTP as well as the INFJ and INFP are as different as can be. similarly with the enneagram the 5 and 7 especially are extremely different. this is absolutely an issue with personality tests and not you! many of them have issues recognizing the complexity of a person who doesn’t fit into the “stereotype” of a type, especially if that person is extremely healthy or unhealthy. both the mbti and enneagram have explanations for how behavior changes under growth and stress.

for daemon forms it would therefore be helpful to have some essential traits of yours! mbti and enneagram aside, discussing the five parts of the Big 5 (OCEAN) personality test would also be helpful:

openness: how open to new experiences are you? are you stressed by change, neutral about it, or actively embrace it? do you enjoy abstract concepts or literal ones? how do you best learn? do you prefer tried and true methods or finding original ones? do you enjoy being specialized and having a niche, or being a generalist and having a broad range of interests? conscientiousness: are you the type of person to plan ahead or are you spontaneous? do you prefer routine or going with the flow? do you need structure or actively avoid it? do you see tasks through or get distracted? are you a procrastinator? extroversion: how do you behave around others? do you enjoy social situations, tolerate them, or actively avoid them? would you describe yourself as guarded? do you have a wide group of friends or just a few? are you emotionally dependent on your friends or more detached? are you tight-bonding or loose-bonding? agreeableness: are you more self-focused or other-focused? do you openly show kindness, affection, and emotion? are you someone who easily trusts easily or are slow to trust? do you enjoy cooperating? are you a competitive person? are you capable of manipulation or bluffing if backed into a corner? neuroticism: are you an anxious individual and easily stressed, or typically relaxed and easy going? are you sensitive (environmentally or socially) or thick-skinned and difficult to upset? do you have frequent mood swings or are you more emotionally stable? how do you react when stressed — do you internalize it, or lash out?

if you are interested in typing yourself with mbti and enneagram, these descriptions may more accurately help you narrow down your type.

which of these comes most naturally and even subconsciously to you? this is something that is your strength and you may find yourself flabbergasted that other people aren’t capable of doing as easily. - you're naturally an analytical and logical person, who judges through comparing new information to the system you've built in your head. you excel at categorization and you are driven to understand why things are: you are both a concrete and abstract thinker who enjoys delving into things subjectively and exploring those shades of grey. you make judgments and assessments individually; you primarily reference yourself and develop your own methods and strategies that rely on your internal system you’ve developed. you may feel like you're living inside your head. you're a curious person and you build a core framework within you. emotions are difficult because there is no straight answer for you to derive. (INTP) - you’re naturally a self-aware and authentic person, whose priority is taking in information and judging it against a system of morals, ethics, and psychological well-being you’ve built in your head. you have developed an internal value system and are most interested in being authentic to yourself and your beliefs; you are self-referencing, creating a code that dictates how others are treated and how you deserve to be treated yourself. you are sensitive to issues that seem fabricated or shallow. you are individualistic, unaffected by others' personal value systems and at the same time don't feel others need to conform to yours. you have strong convictions despite your interest in and consideration for others, and you process your feelings in an internal, private way. (INFP) - you're naturally an insightful and pattern-matching person. you judge by taking in information from the outside world and letting your unconscious mind process everything, often leading to moments where things suddenly seem to "click" or "aha!" moments. you are more focused on the future and the big picture; you have difficulty living in the present moment, as your mind tends to wander, and you struggle with details. the world is a set of patterns for you to link together, like assembling a puzzle or sewing together threads of a quilt. you are more naturally abstract than concrete and enjoy symbols and images, as they better describe your insights than a precise way. you are self-reliant, trusting your insights and conclusions as most true and trustworthy. (INFJ)

which of these describes how you interact with yourself and others? while you may be capable of “mimicking” one, which of them makes you the most comfortable? - you prioritize understanding the depth of the self. you are introspective and authentic, and deeply in tune with your personal feelings and values. you have an inner intensity but prefer to keep it private; you deal with emotional matters independently, and you don't rely on input from others to make decisions. you are sensitive to people who may seem fake or disingenuous with their emotions. you are more concerned with specific individuals rather than the group at large, and have an aversion to superficial socializing. (INFP) - you prioritize understanding the depth of others. you desire to be connected with others and feel deeply in tune with their feelings. when you make decisions, you prioritize cultural values and the values of others, rather than an internal moral code inside yourself. relationships and connections are essential to you. you are sensitive to the "social temperature" of group situations and are good at altering your mannerisms or demeanor to meld with how other people are feeling. you are an interpersonal person who struggles to analyze your own feelings. (INFJ; INTP — INTP obviously uses this less skillfully than the INFJ... mature INTPs develop their desire to help others and benefit the world in some way)

which of these describes your core fear? what are you driven to avoid? how does this manifest in your desires? - i need to be informed. i am afraid of being useless or incompetent, and that others see me that way. if i am incompetent or unknowing, i will not be equipped to handle the dangers of the world. i need to understand the world in order to thrive in it. i need to prioritize my own security and independence by developing a niche where i excel. i am therefore withdrawn, observant, curious, and private. (enneagram 5, very common with INTPs, also likely for INFPs, less so with INFJs) - i need to feel fulfilled. i am afraid of pain and being hurt, and that if i slow down or reflect, i will subject myself to harsh feelings and emotions. i am afraid to miss out and feel deprived. i need to keep my options open and avoid commitment to keep myself free for the greatest happiness in life. i am therefore spontaneous, optimistic, enthusiastic, and non-committal. (enneagram 7, most common with ExxPs, a possibility for INFP, lower possibility for INFJ, very very unlikely for INTP) - i need to be in control. i am afraid of not being able to protect myself and for others to be able to harm or control me. i cannot allow myself to be put into a position that allows me to be controlled, as this opens up the possibility of someone else having power over me and i will be subjected to vulnerability. i will then face judgment, mistreatment, or injustice. i am therefore self-reliant, confident, assertive, and domineering. (enneagram 8, most common with ExTxs, honestly very unlikely for these three types... i think you’d be more likely a 7w8 if you related to this)

hope this helps! :) absolutely shoot me another message and i can help you find some daemon forms!

#form finding #mbti #enneagram

[fy-enhypen]

“I’m extremely passionate about what I like” - Jay

Everything he did was JAYish. He had been moving to the rhythm of the music, then he came into the photoshoot with an abrupt change in his attitude. He laughed heartily when making pleasant conversation but his voice, expression, even his way of speaking reflected his passion and sincerity when he spoke seriously about his deepest feelings. You must feel very different after your debut, seeing as you were a trainee for so long.

JAY: I guess I’m more relaxed than happy or excited. I saw a lot of my friends debut while I was a trainee for three years, so I knew what to expect from the debut process from watching them.

It seems like you’ve changed since your I-LAND days. You look a little more relaxed.

JAY: You’re right. The show was three months of lots of difficulty and stress, having to keep proving myself at every moment. I was much more nervous then. Now I hardly ever feel nervous on stage. I concentrate like I’m comfortably singing and dancing in my own room. (laughs)

When I saw your parents on the show, they looked like cheery people.

JAY: I have an easy-going, friendly relationship with my parents. And the way my mom talked on the show was extremely blunt. (laughs) My parents and I are very honest and straightforward—like, no matter what everyone might think of me, I’ll say what they need to hear and whatever I want to them. We’re all like that. Even on I-LAND, it wasn’t that different from when I was a trainee. I only thought about wanting to put on a good show every week, and that way, I think, I showed my honest side.

And that’s when you had your “RAS” moment. (laughs) What did you think when you saw that scene?

JAY: “Whoa … Someone’s having a hard time!” (laughs) I can’t really remember that well anymore, but I must’ve had a really hard time. I think I was way too honest. (laughs)

You’re taking BTS’s advice: “Enjoy your embarrassing moments.” (laughs)

JAY: Exactly. I don’t care about it at all anymore. I ignore it; I think, it is what it is, and there’s no way to take it back. Even after I die, it’ll still be floating around the Internet, like my ghost. So I just kind of gave up on that. (laughs)

JAY: (laughs) Yes. I really like them (laughs) and, for the hook in the chorus, SUNGHOON’s part and mine are pretty much identical which are repeated. It was actually my dance move for SUNGHOON’s part and his move for my part at first, but it was decided later it would fit the mood better if the choreography was changed, so they ended up switched. The first way wasn’t bad either, but I think the changed version suited both of us much better.

I understand you’re something of a scaredy-cat. (laughs) Wasn’t it hard for you to get into the horror movie concept?

JAY: People say I’m a scaredy-cat, but I’m really not. (laughs) I’m more of a logical person (laughs) so I’m sort of afraid of things that can’t be proven or analyzed mathematically or scientifically. So maybe that’s why horror themes aren’t my strong suit.

I saw your reaction video for “Given-Taken” and it looked as though you were really surprised by how cool the music video turned out.

JAY: Yes. There were a number of scenes I felt underwhelmed about when we were shooting them, but the director actually made them look really cool. There’s this one part especially, where JAKE and I are looking at each other and the camera moves between us and then passes to SUNGHOON. When we were filming that, I kept wondering, “How is this going to end up?” And then that scene turned out way cooler than I expected. (laughs)

The look in your eyes the first time the chorus plays is amazing.

JAY: I’m first up on both the first and second verses, so I paid extra attention to my facial expressions and the way the dancing feels so that that whole part would turn out well. It’s a lot harder to emphasize a slow dance than a fast and pounding one, so I tried to put more focus on that part by giving off a sort of aggressively charismatic sort of feeling.

The part in the chorus where you were in the center was really intense, too.

JAY: The first thing the performance director told me to do for that part was to do this sort of tough guy swagger. And when I thought about the whole song, the characters we play give off a kind of aristocracy vibe, so I made it a point to seem like we were looking down on people. So I was dancing with everything I’ve got while I kept my face relaxed. I even smirked a little.

What do you hope to express when you’re dancing?

JAY: Whenever I practice, I always keep in mind what my dance instructor said: “Anyone who has the basics of dancing down can dance well, but looking really good comes from knowing how to relax.” So I want to dance as if it’s a piece of cake even when I’m using every last drop of my energy that I could collapse. Because of that, I made Jimin from BTS my role model for when I’m doing K-pop choreography.

It seems like you’re always thinking about dancing.

JAY: I’m extremely passionate about what I like and what I’m interested in. I get sucked into things until I use up all my energy on them. I have this tendency to focus on just one thing, and for weeks I’ll spend all my time on that one interest except for when I eat, sleep and shower. I also really like everything to be organized perfectly: I make all my game IDs the same, and arrange all my things by color. I must’ve been influenced by a bunch of designers when I started to get into fashion—like Karl Lagerfeld, for example. He only ever wore black suits in public, so now we always have this exact image of him. If you think about it, it’s like a concept. I thought it’s pretty cool to create this identity where people think or feel something specific when you see them.

You’re also interested in fashion, right?

JAY: I’m interested in anything related to art. And I think to be worthy of the title “artist” you need to be at least somewhat good in every art-related field. I take fashion very seriously because I think artists should show outwardly how seriously they take their art and their work. I think I’m also influenced by looking at artists like V from BTS who’re famous for their fashion sense.

I heard you’re also a stylist for the other members.

JAY: They’ve been asking me a lot of questions lately because they’re particularly into fashion now. My sense of fashion isn’t perfect, but I can make a decent judgment call by looking at length or color. For example, I can tell just from looking at a picture whether some combination will make someone’s legs look shorter or if some other combination will make their face look washed out, so the members will come to me to ask me questions and use me like a calculator. (laughs)

That reminds me of the episode of I-LAND where you allotted parts for “Dive into You” based on how well they suited each of the unit members.

JAY: I have a pretty good eye for things like music, dance, and clothes, so I think I can zero in on the key characteristics. I also stress efficiency in everything I do. I was actually a little bit edgy when I was giving out the parts for “Dive into You.” (laughs) Emotion is the root of my efficient and computative side. If I’m feeling competitive, or angry, or it’s a matter of pride, I get extremely focused and then I can think fast and efficiently to get results.

Not unlike that scene on I-LAND that people were talking about where producer Rain gave you feedback.

JAY: I was a bit surprised to see that clip of me being scolded by him popping up here and there. (laughs) Part of the reason I acted that way was because I was born in the US, but it’s also from my way of thinking efficiently. If I try to improve myself instead of just feeling intimidated, I might get better results next time. And I think it’s both efficient and not rude to listen to someone’s opinion properly, and show my determination not to repeat my mistakes in the future. That way I show how I’ll keep improving and moving forward.

Your life in the US must have been a big influence on you.

JAY: I think I was influenced by the way they always expect open and honest answers to everything. I usually think about what’s most important to others, to me, and to the situation before anything else, and then act based on that thinking. I never hesitate. I seriously won’t hesitate to do what’s best for them and for me, even if it makes me look bad. I think that’s more efficient than not being able to express my real opinion.

You keep emphasizing efficiency. I’m guessing you would really hate to ease up on your practice or work schedule.

JAY: Practice is a special case, I think. I think of art as an abstract kind of work: It’s something you have to slow down for and feel and think about, rather than something you can just figure out efficiently. So even when it’s time to dance, I’ll sometimes sit down with my earphones on and listen to some music to focus on my thoughts.

Is that why you’re interested in so many different things? You also cook, and you know a lot about many different topics.

JAY: I have interested in cooking since I was little. I learned bit by bit from my parents and from watching YouTube and slowly tried my hand at it. As for knowing a lot of trivia, that’s because of my dad. My dad and I are really similar. He knows literally everything. Even things you don’t usually need to know, he has a high-level understanding of. I heard him talk about a lot of things because I’m a naturally curious person and asked him a lot of questions. Ever since I was a kid, I have been curious about a lot of random things. Even when I’m in bed, if I suddenly wonder about things like, “Why isn’t time travel possible?” or, “How does the touch screen on phones work?” I immediately get up and search it.

And what led such a curious boy to become an idol?

JAY: I didn’t originally have any interest in it, but I got an offer to audition through street casting by another company. It sounded like it could be cool (laughs) so I decided to give it a try. I took some lessons for two or three days and had the audition and got in, but then something came up and I left that company. When I got serious again about wanting to demonstrate my skills and get into another company, I was just browsing the music charts and saw BTS’s “Blood Sweat & Tears” was number one. I didn’t really know about BTS at the time, though. As soon as I heard the song, my mind was blown. I looked up the music video and thought, wow, these guys are on a whole different level. (laughs) So I made Big Hit my goal, practiced for a month or two and here I am.

That must be why you were so determined to debut when you were on I-LAND. We also saw you in the role of leader. How did it feel to lead a team like that?

JAY: As someone who’s been leader twice, I don’t think it’s a job for humans. (laughs) That’s how hard it is. It’s too much pressure. When I was talking to HEESEUNG, I even said, “Honestly, you and I don’t have the right personality to be the leader.” There weren’t many people on I-LAND who had experience being the leader, so HEESEUNG and I had no choice but to do it. That was pretty hard. I knew what I had to do and how I should manage the team, but I felt like I just didn’t have the personality for it. But anyway, seeing how strong-willed JUNGWON is, I think he’ll do a perfectly good job as he gains more experience.

It seems like you were close with HEESEUNG even before the debut.

JAY: HEESEUNG and I are more like family. In the past three years, I spent more time with HEESEUNG than with my mom. We’re so close that we can say anything to each other. But with JUNGWON, it was more like a younger brother–older brother situation, so it was more about taking care of one another than being friends, and it was hard for me or HEESEUNG to get close to him. But as it started to feel like we might become members of the same team, I felt like JUNGWON was opening himself up to me, and I think that’s when we started to get close.

I imagine that, as you grew closer practicing and debuting with your team, you also grew fonder of them.

JAY: I really want to take good care of them. I really don’t need to interfere when someone else can handle it better, but still, I just want to do whatever I can to help out.

Even though you haven’t been able to meet your fans yet, what would you like to do for them?

JAY: It’s true that we can’t see our fans, and it’s a bad time for us and them both, but I’m trying to stay positive. For example, most of our shows right now are pre-recorded, so at least we can make fewer mistakes at the beginning of our debut. We have plenty of time to make ourselves even better so that when we see our fans in person we can hopefully put on a live show that we’ll have no regrets about. That’s what I want to do, so I’m practicing hard.

#201224 #enhypen #jay #t: weverse #t: interview

[rika-kihira]

Countdown to the dream - Rika Kihira interview with Quadruple Axel

Q: Last season was your senior debut. You achieved a wonderful success. Personally, if you could give yourself a score how many points would you give?

R: I experienced a lot of good and bad things, I think it was a season where I developed my confidence, so about 70 points.

Q: What kind of aspect was not enough for the remaining 30 points?

R: At Japanese Nationals and Worlds I was unable to adjust my boots properly, so I could not perform the programs like I wanted to. But recently I managed to adjust my boots by myself.

Q: That is a big accomplishment. How are you able to grasp something like the feeling of sensitivity?

R: I have been told many times about "sensitivity", but for me it’s more like this kind of feeling “If I can’t jump then I can only switch them” *laughs* On the contrary “I'm not concerned about it”, it’s something that can't be understood. 

Q: So do you experience the same condition while wearing normal shoes?

R: Not at all. When it comes to normal shoes any kind of it would be fine *laughs*

Q: At Worlds, it must have been considerably hard to adjust your boots, right?

R: Yes, I ended up wearing different boots in SP and FP. I used new boots in the SP but they were ill-fitting for me; in the FP I skated using the old ones I usually wore up to that time.

Q: Looks like it would be better if it was a bit improved. This off-season, are there any kind of other activities you are spending your time on?

R: I performed at Stars on Ice, went to Colorado for choreography, I sort of trained every day without resting for even one day. Even though it was called "off-season" the way I am spending the time doesn't change from when I am in the middle of the season. Or more precisely, now I am training much longer than in the middle of the season.

Q: Right now what kind of training are you focusing on?

R: I am setting up the jumps properly for my SP and FP. And then training for 4S and 3A.

Q: And what’s your feeling about the 4S?

R: I think it it’s quite improved. In a sense, even if there was underrotation, I am able to jump it several times in a day. Even when I feel, physically, that in the jump “the rotations right now are off”, the times that I was told that "that one now is a clean jump" gradually increased.

Q: Do you plan to put in the 4S during the season?

R: That's the plan. Right now I am practicing in runthrough by jumping 3S but onwards, I want to successfully put the 4S in.

Q: Looking forward to it. This season's SP, Breakfast in Baghdad is really a great song to dance to.

R: Shae-Lynn presented several programs to me. I wondered if I could express something I have never tried before, and I chose it. The choreo was done efficiently, it is an upbeat and intense program, physically it is pretty exhausting *laughs*. But I think after skating it repeatedly I developed the energy along with it. From now on I want to train with the thought that I strive to do well no matter what song they gave me. 

Q: Looks like there is no time to even take a breather.

R: In previous programs, after I finished a spin there was a moment to take a breather like "huff", but in this SP after the spin ends transitions are inserted so it is a busy program *laughs*

Q: Is it difficult to get the jumps’ timing too?

R: It was really hard at the beginning, it took me about two months to get the timing successfully.

Q: Even the 3A?

R: This is something I realized recently, but, regarding 3A, the percentage of landing it is higher with uptempo songs. At the beginning, I thought “I can't do it, it's too pressing”, but on the contrary in the FP with a slow tempo song, more or less I experienced more difficulties. Before I jump, the longer I hold the set up, I lose control and it’s hard to maintain the axis. Maybe my timing is a bit fast, that's why I think faster tempo suits me more.

Q: It's the first time you collaborate with Shae-Lynn, what are you thoughts on the actual choreo process?

R: The choreo process took time, about 5 days, but it was hard unlike anything I have experienced before. I tried different patterns countless times and because it has many difficult movements I had muscle pain everywhere *laughs*. But she guided me intensely through the detailed parts, I really learned a lot.

Q: What is the reason you requested Shae-Lynn's choreo for this season?

R: I watched Wakaba-chan's (Higuchi) 007 Skyfall and Rika-chan's (Hongo) Kill Bill and thought “Ah, these choreographies are nice”. From the middle of the previous season I was thinking “I want to try it once”, “What happens now?”. As a result it became a new challenge for me, I think it's good that I made that decision. I felt that in those 5 days I got a lesson that changed my own skating.

Q: Since she is a teacher coming from Ice Dance, there are a lot of things that should be learned from her, aren’t there.

R: Really fascinating skills, she is a teacher who has high ideal skating standards. She showed me how to actually use my entire body to perform. I understand it well, it means that “I want to let out that kind of intensity”, it was really manageable.

Q: On the other hand, the FP 'International Angel of Peace' is choreographed by Tom Dickson, what kind of program is it?

R: The songs of several faiths from around the world are used. I am expressing an angel who unifies them, and the theme of the program is 'To Hope for World Peace'. I really like this, even though there are some difficulties, such as the fact that each scenery requires me to portray different movements and expressions.   Q: Turns out it is a program with a heavy theme, in what way was the choreo introduced to you?

R: I was told the tale numerous times, it was conveyed to me that I should view the theme of the program as an important one. The movements to express the anger against war are filled with the thoughts of a peaceful world. There is a meaning in each part of the choreo. I want to express it respectfully. Like in the beginning of Yuzuru Hanyu's Seimei, there is also the presence of Japan in the choreography, matching the arm movements to the sound of Shakuhachi (Japanese bamboo flute).

Q: So the expression also changes according to each song.

R: The means of expression (t/n: on and off ice) are respectively different. Even if you can move your hands and shoulders well on land, you must grasp the balance while doing it on the ice, I think it is really difficult. I want to fill up my training until I can do such moments in the season.

Q: Your programs match the music wonderfully. How do you feel about your own musicality?

R: There are a lot of people who are better than me *laughs*. As for me, like singing the song inside of my head, I think of the movements I want to do on some melody. Since I was young I am conscious of matching my movement with the music. If I was told “this movement for this melody” while getting the choreography, I want to be able to match that melody. Even if I am not told so, I think of “let's match this melody”.

Q: You really have good sensibility to music too. About the costumes, have you decided on both the SP and FP ones?

R: To match the up tempo movements in the SP I think bright colours would be good, so I prepared a red and a blue version. I think the design will give off a mature vibe.

Q: Is it a pants-style costume? 

R: No, it's a skirt. What I was wearing at FaOI was the EX Costume for "The Greatest". The SP costume is not finished yet, so I wore the black pants.

Q: Is that so. What kind of image does the FP costume have?

R: The designer just told me the imagery, the colour is light green with sparkles, it is tailored to match every scenery on that program.

Q: You performed at FaOI with Yuzuru Hanyu. Did you receive any influence from him?

R: There is the collaboration with ToshI. While ToshI was adjusting the music Hanyu-san was standing in the rink and doing some image-building. I can't perform on the actual day without checking practice numerous times. But Hanyu-san can build the image of the program inside his head; I want to learn that aspect gradually. I also want to learn from his ability to focus.

Q: Well then, you also have the ability to focus.

R: My problem lies with my sleep. If I don’t get enough sleep I lack the power to concentrate. It's like, by lacking sleep even the content of my program changes. I'm influenced by the quality of my sleep. The more I think of “I can't fail” “I definitely want to jump it”, I can't sleep well. I must do something for it. I think it would be nice if I can overcome this somehow.

Q: It has been decided that your GP assignments are Skate Canada and NHK Trophy this season. What kind of competition do you want to do?

R: During last season's GP Final in Canada I was able to get a good result and it left a good impression on me; at NHK Trophy there will be no time difference so I think it's nice and it's easy to adjust to. 

Q: What is your goal this season?

R: In any kind of competition, I want to get high scores in both SP and FP, I want this to be the season where I would be able to increase my personal best score. If I can compete at Worlds, I think it would be nice if I can stand on the podium.

Q: Kihira the athlete is aiming for the gold medal at Beijing Olympics. In this moment, do you have any concept, while imagining the things you are going to do?

R: No injuries until the Olympics. I think I want to challenge the Olympics while having a “leeway” in my mind. Taking the completed form (t/n: sort of like her final form) with me during these remaining two years. During the last season (before the Olympics), I think it would be nice if the state of my mind can be more like “a little bit, maybe I can water down the elements of the program” “competitions are fun”. For the sake of that, I think “from now on of how much training I could do, how much experience can I accumulate”. I don’t want to have such days where I feel relaxed like “maybe today I should take it slowly”, I think I want to go through this by staying completely focused.

Q: Are you going to stay on your guard?

R: Losing focus for a little bit leads to injuries. As long as I am skating, by staying focused I can spend my days by thinking of things like “I wonder how I should go through to perform the best program at a competition” I think I must compete with my own self. Q: About wanting to get into your “completed form” in the remaining two seasons, Are you going for the challenge of inserting 4T in next season?

R: I won't have any leeway in my mind if I could not jump two type of quads. The elements of the program will be more flexible and there will be more range of choices, like jumping one type of quad 2 times. I want to complete 4T too, but really I’m not too good at Toeloop, so looks like it would take some time. First I'd like to attempt it while re-evaluating my 3T.

Q: What's the difficulty of the 4T?

R: I can do the rotations, but the axis is off. I think if the axis is straight it can be executed well. There is no other way but to maintain the axis and training to get a higher rate of success. 

Q: Thank you. Lastly, please give your message to the fans.

R: Thank you very much for always giving me a lot of support. This season I'm going to challenge the 4S. Both in SP and FP I will also face a challenge I've never experienced before. I will do my best to have better results than in the previous seasons, and try to improve gradually for the Olympics.

#rika kihira #season: 2019-2020 #interview #translations

[continuations]

World After Capital: Getting over Privacy (Intro)

NOTE: This is part of a series of excerpts from my book World After Capital. Today’s section introduces the idea that privacy is a strategy for freedom that has real downsides if we want to enter the Knowledge Age. In case you missed it, I posted a talk last week that summarizes my case for getting over privacy.

Getting Over Privacy

Copyrights and patents aren't the only legal limitations slowing down the Digital Knowledge Loop. We are actively creating new restrictions in the form of well-intentioned privacy regulations. Not only do these measures wind up restricting Informational Freedom but more fundamentally privacy is incompatible with technological progress. Instead of clinging to our current conception of privacy we therefore need to understand how to be free in a world of widespread information sharing. Put differently: privacy is not a value in and of itself, rather it has been a strategy for achieving and protecting freedom. To get over privacy and stay free we need to expand Economic Freedom, Informational Freedom and Psychological Freedom.

Before getting into the arguments to support this position, let me first note that countries and individuals already today are taking dramatically different approaches to the privacy of certain types of information. For example, Sweden and Finland have for many years been publishing everyone's tax return [113]. And some individuals, including the CIO and Dean for Technology at Harvard Medical School [114], have published their entire medical history on the Internet. This shows that a world which embraces strategies other than privacy to safeguard individual freedom is eminently possible and exists in parts already today.

To better understand this perspective, consider the costs and benefits to individuals and to society from keeping information private with the costs and benefits of sharing it widely (potentially publicly). Digital technology is dramatically shifting this cost/benefit trade-off in favor of sharing. Take a radiology image as an example. Analog x-ray technology produced images on a physical film that had to be developed could then be examined by someone holding it up against a backlight. If you wanted to protect the information on it, you would put it in a file and lock up that file in a drawer. If you wanted a second opinion, you would have to get that file out of the drawer and have it sent it to you or the other doctor by mail. That process was costly, time consuming and error prone (the film could be lost in the mail, or the wrong film could be sent, etc.). The upside of analog x-rays was the ease of keeping the information secret; the downside was the difficulty of putting the information to use for your benefit.

Now compare analog x-rays to digital x-ray images. You can instantly walk out of your doctor's office with a copy of the digital image on a thumb drive or have it emailed to you or put in a Dropbox or shared via some other way made possible by the Internet. Thanks to this technology, you can now get a second opinion nearly instantly. Not only one, you could get two or three. And if everyone you contacted directly is stumped, you could post the image on the Internet for everyone to see. Some doctor somewhere in the world may go, “ah, I have seen that before” even if “that” is incredibly rare. This in fact has happened repeatedly on Figure 1, a USV portfolio company, which provides an image sharing network for medical professionals.

This power comes at a price: Protecting your digital x-ray image from others who might wish to see it is virtually impossible. Every doctor who looks at your image could make a copy (for free, instantly and with perfect fidelity) and then send that to someone else. The same goes for others who might have access to the image, such as your insurance company.

Now, critics will make all sorts of claims about how we can prevent unauthorized use of your image using encryption. But as we will see, those claims come with important caveats and are dangerous if pursued to their ultimate conclusion (preview: you cannot have general purpose computing). So in summary: The upside of a digital x-ray image is how easy it makes it to get help; the downside is how hard it is to protect digital information.

But the analysis hardly ends there. The benefits that accrue to your digital x-ray image go well beyond just you. Imagine a huge collection of digital x-ray images all labeled with diagnoses. We can use computers to search through those images and get machines to “learn” what to look for. We know that such systems can be built given the recent progress with deep learning. And these systems, because of the magic of zero marginal cost, can assist with and eventually provide future diagnoses for free. This, you may recall from the section on technological deflation in healthcare, is exactly what we want. How rapidly we make progress with that and who controls the results will depend heavily on who has access to digital x-ray images.

If we went to the extreme and made all healthcare information public, we would dramatically accelerate innovation in diagnosing and treating diseases. At present, only large pharma companies and a few university research projects can develop new medical insights and drugs, since only they have the money required to get many patients to participate in research. Many scientists are forced to join a big pharma company, leaving the results of their work protected by patents (pharma companies have repeatedly lobbied for the ability to keep such information strictly for themselves). Even at universities, the research agenda tends to be tightly controlled by department heads and access to information is seen as a competitive advantage. While I understand that we have a lot of work to do to create a world in which broad public sharing of health information is compatible with freedom, this is the direction we should be embarking on.

#world after capital #privacy

[rosebloodcat]

Revealed- Arthur p3

Arthur hated the cold. He hated the way it sapped his energy, hated how weak it left him, hated how sluggish it made his mind and body. He hated how easily it could drive him into hibernation against his will.

As a hatchling, as a child, he had been caught out in a snowstorm once. It had taught him just how easy it was for the cold to hurt him.

It had been a winter field trip at his grade school, something about winter safety that all kids should know. His parents hadn't liked the idea of sending him out into the cold (out where he was weakest), but the skills were important to know so they had allowed him to go with his classmates. With all the grown-ups watching them, it should have been okay. It should have been safe. They had been wrong.

The storm had caught them by surprise (the teachers, the coordinators, the officers keeping an eye on them), and had actually been caused by an ice elemental throwing a fit back in town. There had been no warning of it appearing at all.

One minute the skies were clear, the next; dark clouds, strong winds, and blankets of snow were pouring down on them.

He had remembered to do all the things the adult humans had told him to.

Either make or find shelter against the wind and the cold, keep your brightest garment out so people can see it and find you, blow your whistle to make sure someone will hear it over the wind, once you find a spot don't leave it, the whole nine yards. But he had needed one thing that wasn't handed out to children, a thermal blanket.

The storm had been a short one, but it had done enough.

Thankfully, the teacher who found him had known about the cryptid children in the school, and quickly realized that he had been sent into a temperature coma. The teacher was also an elemental, a fire one, and had wrapped him in heating and warmth recovering charms (they later taught him how to add more heat to the magic of his Talisman, to avoid such things in the future). They had known that the cold was dangerous for him, and they worked to help him recover from the damage. Worked to get Arthur to what would have been expected of a human child caught in such a brief storm and had done everything he was supposed to.

The other teachers had all praised him for following their instructions, as had his parents, but he knew it would have been very bad if the elemental teacher hadn't found him first. Knowing danger was an instinct, understanding only strengthened it.

He always did his best to avoid the cold because of that incident, because of how easily it could hurt him. Usually, he could talk Vivi out of cold weather cases, citing the temperature, the weather, or the distance to avoid going (most of those were pretty far away anyways, snow wasn't exactly common where they lived, so he usually had good arguments).

There were times when he lost those arguments, and that would result in him “over packing”.

He would pack electric blankets and space heaters in the van, he'd keep an extra thermal blanket with his own belongings, he would even keep a spare heating talisman hidden in the van (it was more  to raise the base temperature for his main heating spell, than a separate one), not to mention the tote bag full of hand and feet warmers he kept tucked under the back seat.

When his mind stirred, slowing pulling him from unconsciousness, and registered the weak, numb feeling that came from his entire body, he knew exactly what must have happened. He'd fallen into partial-hibernation, one that he was coming out of due to someone quickly raising his temperature again. (Just like that trip all those years ago.) He would feel sluggish and light headed for a while, but it was probably better than whatever state he could have been in.

He didn't open his eyes right away, simply letting the heat around him sink in and ease him into awareness. No need to make himself sick by forcing things.

Sound came first; the sound of hushed voices either arguing or talking to each other, of rustling paper like the pages of a book being turned, and the crackling of a fire. Smell came next; the smell of cooking food, the smell wood smoke, and his friends near by. Then came touch; he could feel the pressure under his tail that said part of it was on a raised surface with a small amount of give, then the feeling of soft, fluffy cloth wrapped around his skin and his scales. And the feel of a steady warmth coming from one side, helping raise his body heat once more.

He couldn't help the soft groan that escaped him when a dull, painful ache made itself known across his chest and back. He hadn't really expected it, had he been hurt before the cold got to him?

“Arty!”

It was all the warning he got before a warm body suddenly latched onto his slowly waking one, putting pressure on his aching chest and sending a small surge of pain through him. He let out a pained grunt, forcing his eyes open to see the offending person.

Blurry blue with a splash of pink filled his vision, and it took a moment for his eyes to clear enough to recognize who it was.

“Vivi?” He slurred, his words drawn and slow. “Wha' happened?”

She started talking, too quickly for him to keep up in his current state, but he'd managed to catch enough to get the gist of things. They's escaped from a monster, he'd gotten hurt by it, L had gone out and gotten him from the storm, he'd gone comatose and they'd brought his temperature back up. Also his talisman was gone.

Wait... What?

Arthur jolted, struggling to sit up despite his exhausted, one armed state. Gritting his teeth against spikes of pain that shot up across chest and back. He'd been laid out on the couch in the cabin's den, and wrapped in so many blankets he could barely move. Still, he could see it in the way the blankets lay across his lower body, he had a tail instead of legs.

Crap, he could only imagine what they had thought upon seeing it.

“Stop that.” A deep voice ordered. For a moment, Arthur's groggy mind thought the voice belonged to his missing friend Lewis, until a large, dark hand rested on his chest and pushed him back down. He looked up into the dark eye sockets of L, the glowing magenta of his irises staring back at the injured Naga laying on the couch. The look the ghost was giving him was firm and unwavering. “You're hurt right now, we don't need you making your injuries worse.”

He blinked slowly up at the ghost, still processing his words.

L actually sounded- worried? He thought the spirit hated him, he must've been in really bad shape to rattle him this badly. The ghost winced.

“I don't hate you, Arthur, I just- never mind. It's not important right now.” He said with a sigh.

Shoot, he'd said that out loud. He must've been more messed up than he thought. Vivi cleared her throat to get their attention.

She looked worried too, jeez, just what had happened to him?

“Arthur, what was that monster? I- I didn't recognize it, but it was pretty obvious that you did.” A monster he knew that she didn't? Well that was new. He scratched through his still-hazy memory, trying to grasp the image of the creature that injured him. It was-

He abruptly shuddered, a spike of fear running through him. Of all the monsters he knew about, why did it have to be that one? Why did it have to be a monster he could never stand against without his talisman? One with such a terrible reputation that he was honestly terrified of it.

He swallowed weakly, he had to tell them. He had to warn them.

“It- It's one of the monsters I remember my Mama warning be about. Tellin' me I should get away from them as fast as I could if I ever heard about one.” His voice was still slow and slightly slurred, but he knew he had their undivided attention. “The Wendigo. They- They're bad. Really bad. Everybody says to stay away from them. 'Cuz they come from really nasty stuff, really bad magics.” He shuddered again.

“They're demons that came from people goin' against their nature, made from people goin' crazy. Humans that got caught in snow storms an' got so desperate to live, to survive, that they started eating their own kind.”

Vivi looked horrified at the concept, of a cryptid that was made from people resorting to cannibalism to survive.

It was a horrible, outlandish idea for humans. Their lives were built on safety and community, on working to help each other overcome obstacles and difficulties. Cannibalism was considered a sick and twisted idea, a horrible concept that went against their very natures. Even L, the ghost of someone who had probably been murdered, looked like he was going to be sick (As much as a ghost could at least).

Arthur could understand why, Nagas weren't the most sympathetic creatures, but even they wouldn't resort to such a thing. The thought of someone willingly and intentionally going after their own kind? The idea horrified him.

He borrowed deeper into the blankets. He was still cold, still sluggish, but he couldn't let himself rest. He had to think back to what his mother had told him. Remember the things she'd said.

Vivi was the only (living) human in their group. She was the only one the Wendigo would target, she was the one at risk. He had to remember what they would need to do to protect her from it. A warm hand rested on his shoulder, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Don't force yourself Arthur, we're safe for now. It can't get inside.” L assured him. Arthur must have been thinking out loud again.

“No. There was something, something about the Wendigo bein' able to hurt people without getting close.” He muttered, brow furrowed in thought. His head ached a bit. Did he hit it at some point and not remember? “But I just can't remember how they did it...”

L tensed at that, but tried to give Arthur's shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“We won't let that happen. It won't get anyone here.” He was honestly surprised by how sure the ghost sounded. It made him feel a little better, but only a bit.

He was still worried though.

#mystery skulls #mystery skulls animated #mystery skulls animated au #msa #msa au #Naga!Arthur #naga arthur #arthur #arthur kingsmen #vivi #Vivi Yukino #lewis #Lewis pepper #mystery #part 3

[whatsanalec]

Weeks 9&10

It’s been hectic and stressful to say the least, and a lot happened.

Firstly, concerning the “ ‘ “ idea: I made a portotype for each version (window and crowd). However, the only one I went forward with was the window one, because I feel like it’s more striking and intriguing as an image and concept, and because the crowd idea (seeing image) - although it took a while to draw - turned out to appear a lot more creepy than I imagined because of the eyes. Although I should have seen that coming, come to think of it.

For the Window prototype (first image) I used leftover painted card from last year for the background. For the end product it needs to be bright colour that communicates the feeling of desire.

For both prototypes, I used a photo of myself for the silhouette (which I had to photoshop because my jaw was still very swollen from getting my wisdom tooth removed at the time). This is my way of putting myself in the work, semi-literally. Since this concept is half-inspired by personal experience, it just makes sense for me.

Having decided to go ahead with the window idea, I set to work to get it done. I used another image for the background figure to avoid the same pixelation issue I had with the prototype.

This piece, initially inspired by the Imagine Dragons lyric, “I’m an apostrophe, I’m just a symbol to remind you that there’s more to see,” put you in the perspective of a person who, despite having someone directly in front of and facing them, decides to look through them and onto who’s behind. That person, however, is visually content without knowing or acknowledging you. And yet, you keep looking.

The top layer being plain white serves the purpose of blending into a white wall and emphasising the idea that you are looking straight through someone who is obviously right in front of you. Behind that, the black layer is to create stark contrast and amplify the white’s cutout, but invite you further into the centre of the piece.

The much more intricate application of the crimson and scarlet colours beneath are to communicate the feeling of desire and interest that you feel towards the figure in the back, who is maticulously detailed in contrast to the silhouette in front. This is to convey the idea that you, who is looking through someone that you see no detain in, look past them and onto someone whose body intrigues you so much more. The piece is sized so that the silhouette is life sized in order to make the concept more real to the viewer.

In other news, remember that floating MDF idea I had? Yeah I did that. This was very unlike anything I’ve done before and was very stressful because I was working on this and ‘ at the same time for over a week.

This started with me stealing (with permission) - bunch of lasercut rectangles from the digital making space, and the idea of “strangers,” which I came up with after a conversation with my friend about my social anxiety. After a slow back and forth with Ronnie about how to suspend them, I painted them all white on both sides and we constructed the... thing.

As I mentioned before, my first thought was to create some kind of crosshatch design - either out of assembled wood or lasercut MDF - and attach it to my studio board so that the pieces could be hung in seemingly random places, because that’s what I wanted. What Ronnie thought of was similar. We screwed a couple long, thin pieces of wood coming off the top of my studio board and I was left to play with it.

We were going to do the same thing with another piece of wood and then attach some pieces across the ones already there, parallel to the wall, but after some experimentation with hanging the MDF I realised that it would be much better if the wood parallel to the wall was completely movable. That way, I could move and swap them about freely to get what I want without the hassle of untying the thread and tying it back on in a different spot. And if I wanted to change the position of a single MDF piece, I could shimmy it over thanks to the slack on the knots, or I could loop the thread around the wood to make the MDF higher. Foolproof.

But this contraption isn’t the whole thing. To communicate the aforementioned idea of anxiety, I had the idea of projecting a video of an eye looking around restlessly, with audio of panicked breathing. Luckily, I have three things that made this possible on short notice: a phone capable of filming in 4K, a clip-on macro lens for said phone, and a willing friend.

My idea for this video was to make it very eerie and anxiety inducing. So when it came to editing it, I used Davinci Resolve to desaturate the colours and lower the temperature to make it seem cold and absolutely not uplifting. I then took it into Premiere Pro. There, I made an identical video track but reversed it and lowered the opacity to 33% so it looks like two eyes of the danger owner moving independently.

For the audio, I added a recording of my heavy breathing and upped the gain to make it loud but not deafeningly so. I also added a slowed down version of it for a creepy bass layer, and I also added a track of room time but made it louder to amplify the feeling of something being off.

So, I got a projector and a plinth, and it turned out pretty great. Without further ado:

Strangers is an installation with the purpose of portraying my experience with social anxiety and difficulty communicating with proper I don’t know well or aren’t comfortable around.

The projected video aims to induce the feelings of anxiety and panic, which are communicated through many aspects: i.e. the lack of vibrance, overlap of visuals and collection of audio. The use of colour gives anything but a feeling of happiness and makes the viewer feel on edge just by that alone. The overlap of video shows constant rapid movement, and along with the sound of panicked breathing, plus the sounds beneath that, the feeling of being overwhelmed is emphasised so much more.

The MDF pieces are suspended by transparent fishing wire to give the impression that they are floating. They are positioned in a way that appears random and they take up all three axes. These shapes represent uncertainty and/or people, and their positioning gives the idea that there is no escape from threes feelings of anxiety - you’re surrounded by them. They’re everywhere. These objects onstruct the projection and leave holes in it, furthering the relationship between the two elements of the installation and bringing the video forwards into the third dimension.

To see the video, click here: https://youtu.be/tAJWmACRYbY

Moving Image module

Editing this thing together was an experience but less tedious than I expected. I used Davinci Teeolve for the first time to colour correct and whatnot. It was a slow process because my laptop isn’t great but I got there. I tried to make it look like there was more sun, to give a warm feeling and emphasise the light-heartedness, but some locations are visually overcast so it was kind of difficult to make them seem sunnier while being realistic. In some cases I ended up just being able to boost the colour which will have to suffice.

When it came to making all the cuts in Premiere, I divided a method for including all the locations without the film being a confusing mess: start with 3 locations and cut between them. 3 minutes in, take one out and introduce a new one in the former’s place. Repeat until all locations are introduced. I had to write this down in a way that visually represented it in a simple way my feeble little brain could understand:

This method was derived from Creature Comforts, which did near the same thing. The difference being that they had many more settings to cut between. After I developed the method, it was a matter of singling out the moray interesting parts/monuments with potential for the voiceover, and cutting them together. It came to about 11.5 minutes, which is respectable in my opinion, as long as we can keep the energy up during recording.

Speaking of which, I think the recording went well. We started with the traffic/weather track which was going well, considering we hadn’t had any practice, until Nathan forgot we weren’t doing voices yet. He realised after that track and we gained confidence through recording the others.

Being one take and in time with the video track, the audio was easy to implement. At first I lowered the sfx and ambiance tracks to give the speech one more prominence, but Nathan advised I boost all of them. This was alright, just meant I had to adjust the volume of some parts. Also, I only ended up using the direction track once, where the speech track peaked badly. If we did this again, I’d definitely speak more clearly during recording and be more cautious about packing the mic. But of course we couldn’t do a second take, because that would go against the whole point of doing a single take.

And that’s it done. I definitely believe we could have achieved something much more impressive if we went with my initial idea or something similar. But nevertheless, this was a fun process, especially the recording. At least I learned new software and hot more experience with editing. Link to the film: https://youtu.be/BoH4mZsXRac

Now all that’s left is assessment. Please have mercy.

#apostrophe #strangers

[healthyandfitness-diy]

via HEALTHY AND FITNESS https://ift.tt/2NTMhbm

Improve Memory Power

Tips and Exercises to Sharpen Your Mind and Boost Brainpower

A trip to the grocery store to pick up bread, milk, and eggs could turn into a two-trip ordeal because you forgot to get one of three items listed. Left your phone in the cab? Blanking on names? Or the movie you saw last weekend? Then you're not alone. Everyone loses track occasionally. It kind of feels like as we are ageing, our minds and memories just don't work like they used to. But is that really true, or are there ways to improve memory power? The fact of the matter is that certain aspects of brain function and memory capability are not necessarily linked to getting older. Lifestyle choices and whether or not we implement memory-boosting techniques in our day-to-day lives contribute to the overall health of our brains and our ability to remember both new and old information. So we got to wondering: Is it possible to counteract the memory decline that already seems to be taking place? How can we improve memory power?

Well, we discovered;

 13 Tricks and Mind-sharpening Strategies to Boost your Memory.

1. Get a Good Night Sleep –

A poor sleep takes a toll on everything, from your job performance to your daily chores, and especially your memory. Sleep is a key time for the brain to solidify the connections between neurons, thus helping us remember more of our tasks. Rule of thumb: Get 7-8 hours of sleep everyday. Even a short naps counts for memory. Experts are of the opinion that if you do only one thing to improve your memory, getting more sleep should be it. If you have trouble sleeping get to know How to Get Good Sleep Naturally and Foods That Help You Sleep Better  to get a sound sleep. Yes, this age-old remedy actually works.

2. Jog Your Memory –

Literally. Exercise increases your heart rate which gets blood flowing to your brain, thus keeping your memory sharp. In fact, brain boosting physical activities that require hand-eye coordination or complex motor skills are particularly beneficial for brain building. Running, swimming, biking - any form of exercise - for at least 30 minutes helps enlarge the hippocampus, which is regarded as the 'memory center of the brain'. If you don't have time for a full workout, squeeze in a 10-minute walk around the block in your schedule or a few jumping jacks. It's enough to reboot your brain.

3. Stay Focused and Quit Multitasking –

Can't find your keys? It's probably because you weren't paying attention when you put them down. When you're juggling too many things, you're bound to forget. As it turns out, the brain doesn't actually multitask. Instead, it switches focus from one thing to the other, which is why it is difficult to read a book and hold a conversation at the same time. Multitasking will slow you down, so make it a point to concentrate on the task at hand. It's crucial. Studies suggest to say it out loud: "I left my keys on the dresser", etc. so the brain can process it. Your brain actually need about eight seconds to commit a piece of information to your memory, so if you're talking on the phone and carrying groceries when you put down your car keys, you're unlikely to remember where you left them.

 4. Use Mnemonic Devices –

Mnemonic devices are tools which help you memorize in an easier format - words, lists, concepts, et al.

·         Acronyms: They are basically abbreviations used a word to help you jog your memory. For example: CART can be carrots, apples, raspberries and tomatoes, which can be used to remember your grocery list.

·         Rhymes: If you need to remember a name, get creative. "Mary loves cherry" or "Simon is a fireman".  

·         Acrostics: These are life savers during exams, especially. Whenever you need to mug up a sentence, combine the initial letters and use as a memory cue. For example: How we all remembered the 9 planets during childhood, "My Very Educated Mother Just Showed Us Nine Planets".

·         Chunking: Chunking breaks a long list of numbers or other types of information into smaller, more manageable chunks. For example: Remembering a 10-digit phone number by breaking it down   into three sets of numbers: 555-867-5309 (as opposed to 5558675309).

5. Meditation is Key –

According to a 2015 study from the UCLA Brain Mapping Center, the brain starts to decline in your 20s and continues to decrease both in size and volume. Meditating and yoga regularly delays cognitive decline and prevents neurodegenerative diseases like Dementia, Alzheimer's and Parkinson's. Meditation produces a positive charge in the brain's gray matter overtime, which is important for memory, learning and self-awareness. In addition, meditation has been shown to reduce stress, which can do a number on memory.

6. Stay Mentally Active –

Give you brain a workout. Note: Crossword puzzles and Sudoku are your new best friend. Challenge your brain, take a different route to work, learn a new language, read a section of the newspaper you usually skip, do things out of the ordinary. Stay engaged, because mentally stimulating activities help keep your brain in shape - and might even keep memory loss at bay. People who are cognitively active have better memory as they age, it's true. So quiz yourself, flex your brain and improve your memory power.

7. Get Organized –

If your house is in a mess, you're more likely to forget things. Jot down tasks, declutter your home and note down appointments. Set aside a particular place at home to keep your keys, and limit distractions. Live by to-do lists, keep them upto date and check off the items you've completed. Physically writing down new information actually helps reinforce it. A day planner or smart phone calendar can help you keep track of appointments and activities and can also serve as a journal in which you write anything that you would like to remember. Writing down and organizing information reinforces learning.

Try jotting down conversations, thoughts, experiences.

Review current and previous day’s entries at breakfast and dinner.

If you use a planner and not a smart phone, keep it in the same spot at home and take it with you whenever you leave.

8. Write It Down -

Jotting down information will help you remember and visualize your agenda or tasks for the day. It is an easy way to remind yourself of what you have to do or say later during the day. Always keep a "random-thought pad" on hand while you're at the computer or folding laundry can help improve your focus naturally

9. Visualize your memory –

Learning faces and names is a particularly hard task for most people. In addition to repeating a person’s name, you can also associate the name with an image. Visualization strengthens the association you are making between the face and the name. For example:

Link the name Sandy with the image of a beach, and imagine Sandy on the beach or as suggested before "Mary loves cherry" or "Simon is a fireman".

10. Find a Cue –

When you are having difficulty recalling a particular word or fact, you can cue yourself by giving related details or “talking around” the word, name, or fact. Other practical ways to cue include:

Using alarms or a kitchen timer to remind you of tasks or appointments.

Placing an object associated with the task you must do in a prominent place at home. For example, if you want to order tickets to a play, leave a newspaper ad for the play near your telephone or computer.

11. Group them up –

When you’re trying to remember a long list of items, it can help to group the items in sets of three to five, just as you would to remember a phone number. This strategy capitalizes on organization and building associations, and helps to extend the capacity of our short-term memory by chunking information together instead of trying to remember each piece of information independently. For example:

If you have a list of 15 things on your grocery list, you can group the items by category, such as dairy, produce, canned goods, and frozen foods.

 12. Balance Your Stress –

Chronic stress and depression, both contribute to memory loss and the destruction of brain cells. One of the best things you can do is to laugh. Yes, it's that simple. Laughter engaged multiple regions of the brain and simultaneously reduces stress. Social interaction also helps ward off depression and stress, so look for opportunities to get together with family, loved ones, friends and work colleagues. Know the strategies for How to Manage Stress in Life.

 13. Food for Thought –

Did you know that the brain is an energy hungry organ? Despite comprising only 2% of the body's weight, the brain gobbles up more than 20% of daily energy intake. So a healthy diet might be as good for your brain as it is for your overall health, and eating right may in fact be more important than you think. After all, you are what you eat. The brain demands a constant supply of glucose which is obtained from recently eaten carbohydrates like whole grains, fruits and greens. Because when the glucose level drops, it results in confused thinking. No, this does not give you the license to slurp on sugary drinks. Instead eat throughout the day to optimize brain power- not too much, not too little. Memory boosting diet includes antioxidant-rich, colorful fruits, green leafy vegetables and whole grains which protect your brain from harmful free radicals. Choose low-fat protein sources such as fish and drink at least 8 glasses of water daily since dehydration can lead to memory loss and confusion.

The following nutritional tips will help boost your brainpower and reduce your risk of dementia:

Get your omega-3s. Research shows that omega-3 fatty acids are particularly beneficial for brain health. Fish is a particularly rich source of omega-3, especially cold water “fatty fish” such as salmon, tuna, halibut, trout, mackerel, sardines, and herring.

If you’re not a fan of seafood, consider non-fish sources of omega-3s such as seaweed, walnuts, ground flaxseed, flaxseed oil, winter squash, kidney and pinto beans, spinach, broccoli, pumpkin seeds, and soybeans.

Limit calories and saturated fat. Research shows that diets high in saturated fat (from sources such as red meat, whole milk, butter, cheese, cream, and ice cream) increase your risk of dementia and impair concentration and memory.

Eat more fruit and vegetables. Produce is packed with antioxidants, substances that protect your brain cells from damage. Colorful fruits and vegetables are particularly good antioxidant "superfood" sources.

Drink green tea. Green tea contains polyphenols, powerful antioxidants that protect against free radicals that can damage brain cells. Among many other benefits, regular consumption of green tea may enhance memory and mental alertness and slow brain aging.

Drink wine (or grape juice) in moderation. Keeping your alcohol consumption in check is key, since alcohol kills brain cells. But in moderation (around 1 glass a day for women; 2 for men), alcohol may actually improve memory and cognition. Red wine appears to be the best option, as it is rich in resveratrol, a flavonoid that boosts blood flow in the brain and reduces the risk of Alzheimer’s disease. Other resveratrol-packed options include grape juice, cranberry juice, fresh grapes and berries, and peanuts.

IDENTIFY AND TREAT HEALTH PROBLEMS

Do you feel that your memory has taken an unexplainable dip? If so, there may be a health or lifestyle problem to blame.

It’s not just dementia or Alzheimer’s disease that causes memory loss. There are many diseases, mental health disorders, and medications that can interfere with memory:

Heart disease and its risk factors. 

Cardiovasculardisease and its risk factors, including high cholesterol and high blood pressure, have been linked to mild cognitive impairment.

Diabetes. 

Studies show that people with diabetesexperience far greater cognitive decline than those who don’t suffer from the disease.

Hormone imbalance. 

Women going through menopause often experience memory problems when their estrogen dips. In men, low testosterone can cause issues. Thyroid imbalances can also cause forgetfulness, sluggish thinking, or confusion.

Medications. 

Many prescription and over-the-counter medications can get in the way of memory and clear thinking. Common culprits include cold and allergy medications, sleep aids, and antidepressants. Talk to your doctor or pharmacist about possible side effects.

#How To Improve Memory Power And Concentration Naturally https://healthyfit07.blogspot.com/2017/10/ho

[stopmotiongoodmanj]

History of  Animation

Thaumatrope

The thaumatrope was one of the first things within animation and one of the key starters to animation, the thaumatrope was a small cardboard circle which had a drawing on each side so that the images match up with each other as you attach two strings to each side and then spin it to give the illusion that the images is one as they rotate quick enough to give the impression that the is the image is together. this is often called the persistence of vision as there is an impression that one image exists although that is actually two images that are existing. This was published by W.Phillips in 1825.

Phenakistoscope

The phenakistoscope was another advancement in the animation industry, it was a device which used spinning disks in the mirror and pictures that were spaced evenly to give the impression that it was moving as the pictures rotated quickly to make it seem like that and could give the impression of people walking or the impression that they could be fighting as the disk moved around so looked as though it was moving and when it was being spun it was being reflected in the mirror and was invented in december 1832 by Joseph plateau.

Zoetrope

The zoetrope was an early motion projector and was a drum which had still images upon the inside of it.the drum was turned in a circular motion so that the images create an illusion as though they are moving. It was made in 1834 by william george horner. The zoetrope was also easy to build and gave a good impression that the images was moving and was a way in animation history. 

flip book

The flip book was first made in 1868 by John Barnes linnett. The flip book is a series of pages in which you draw images on it that are similar to each other as if you have drawn all of the images in order it will get the impression of moving. It gets the impression of moving as when you get the book you turn the pages quickly then it creates the illusion as though it is moving as you are quickly moving through the pages.    

praxinoscope 

The praxinoscope was invented in 1876 by charles-emile reynaud and it is like the zoetrope, it is a cylinder which has twelve rectangular mirrors which reflect each of the images to make it look as though it. This made the animation more fluent compared to the other inventions in the past as there were more pictures which made it look smoother and made a much more clearer animation.  

History of stop motion animation 

The Humpty Dumpty Circus,1898

This was very early on stop motion and the basics of what went on in stop motion and was when the person moved the object each time taking pictures as they are moving it, then eventually they put all of the photos together to be able to make an animation and was made by  J. Stuart Blackton and Albert E. Smith. 

A trip to the moon,1902 

It was a continuation of stop motion techniques was a clay made object which was moved manipulated to make it look as though they are moving and the most famous person to do this was george melies.

The lost world,1925

The first stop motion based film and was the first made and was done by o'brien and laid out the basis for people to follow what he did and make other stop motion films. 

The tale of the fox,1930

This film used stop motion in the form of puppets which were made with wax and wire so that they remained sturdy and made an inspiration for things such as fantastic mr fox as it was the inspiration for it. 

Jason and the argonauts,1963

Was on the most influential animators as he can up with live animation stop motion models so that the animation was more realistic and was a step in the animation industry

Sledgehammer

This got many awards as the person stood behind the glass for 16 hours while each of the frame was individually took and so that it could come together as an animation

Techniques in stop motion 

In the making of our stop motion it was overall successful and went pretty good however there were a few problems that we did encounter. When we made it we had our place which was the Lego city set up and from that had our computer which would have the camera connected. We also had two lights set up so that it would look good when we were taking pictures, then the camera was connected with a tether to the computer so we could take pictures from there. As you can see below this is our setup. 

The process of making the animation

When we made the animation we started by moving the lego man bit by bit and each time that we moved him we took a picture from the computer and was using the software after effects, this was an advantage as it allowed us to easily take the pictures as it was just a click on the computer while the other people were moving the lego object, we then repeated the moving person over and over again until we had enough pictures are were satisfied with amount of images that we had  having to do things such as moving the camera if we need to take it from another angle or change the lighting so that it looked good as we were recording it. This was a good way to make the animation as it was time effective and we cooperated well together as a team. 

Once we had done all of the shots that we have we then exported them all and then after that put it into after effects so that we were ready to edit as this we the software that we would use. This software is quite advanced however and due to this when we put it in there we had difficulty which loading times therefore used Photoshop

After effects This was the software that we used to be able to edit all of our footage which we have gathered, this is a professional software that it used be many and is were we put all of our into, once we did that we then put them into the timeline

Photoshop , this software was a lot easier for the animation as it allowed us to edit the footage more easily and allow for us to be more time consistent and do it quicker than I could in after effects as it is also less complicated 

Bridge, we used this software to be able to resize the images, we did this by selecting all of the images then going to batch and batch processing then processing all of the images that were selected so that it would not lag and the images would go into the software quicker, this was an advantage to us as it allowed us to make sure that the images were the correct size and not to large so that it would run smoothly  

Characteristics of stop motion animation

Pixelation 

The concept of pixilation animation is to get an actor or an object, then once you have these move then bit by bit taking shots each time one after another moving slowing as they are being taken, then once you have gather all of the images that you have taken you will then import them into your computer and from there assemble them all into a timeline format or another way which you may have, pixilation animation is the animation of people to make it looks different and is an easy animation to carry out and this is an advantage to you as they can be very accessible therefore can get your animation done in a short amount of time as not many resources may be needed.

Found objects 

This animation has the involvement of objects which are not drawn objects instead of already made objects such as toys, coins, blocks which are already objects when you get them.this is good as it is easy to construct as these are objects which can be found everywhere and therefore this would be an advantage to you as there will be much time saved. This also has its disadvantages as it may not look as professional as the others as it is just made out of anything that you can find.

Paper cut-out

This is when you make an object which you have drawn out of paper and then from that object you animated it so that it looks as though it is moving although it is just paper. This however may have a few disadvantages as it may be more time consuming than the others due to you having to draw the things you want as this may take a long time if it is details and if you want good images you may also need to be good at art/drawing however when it is done it looks very good.

Models

You make these models and then animate them so that they look as though they are moving you have created it to what you want it to look like and can make it do whatever you want it to do, this is an good type of animation as you can have whatever character you want and do what you want with it.the disadvantage could be that it is time consuming as you may have to make all of the models yourself so that would take a long time to do.  

Claymation

Clayamation is when you animate object that are made from clay and give the illusion as though they are moving object, you do this by adding making your object out of it then taking pictures of it bit by bit as you move a different part of the object each time, this is a good type of animation as it looks good when it is done however has its disadvantages as it is time consuming as you have to make each of the models and you also may have many different models which you may need to make and then would require much more time to be able to do. 

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1rBirjX8nYc3F5WTr2dPWatIya1yJrSmZ

[uterusclub]

I can’t say for sure how we initially stumbled upon the brilliant idea of having a ‘clown party’ but approximately three years ago, it’s magnificence was born.

If I had to guess, I’d hypothesize the concept spawned from a casual night of sitting around discussing terrible horror movies featuring clowns which (naturally) snowballed into designating an all-clown movie marathon of sorts. But that wasn’t enough. We needed elaboration. But how? With what? Food? Yes, of course, food! And so, it was decided, traditionally speaking, that ‘clown food’ would be incorporated into our parties. Last year we got a little overly-ambitious and made the entire day a marathoning of clown foods included pancakes, burgers, pizza and cake which we discovered to be too much a. time b. effort and c. food. So now we stick to the basics: pizza and cake. Generic party food? Yes. But not in the way we fashion them…

Clown Cake | Year 1

Clown Cake | Year 2

The pizza. The first year we arranged our clown party, I used my expert, investigative skills and discovered a pizza place called Little Clown Pizza. I was in awe. It couldn’t have been more perfect. Or could it? Because in our minds this still just wasn’t enough. What if . . . what if we requested they make a clown pizza? Yes! Each and every year, we fatefully ordered a ‘clown pizza’ from a nearby restaurant and awaited the potential horror or delight of their interpretation. First year? Our pizza was practically inedible. I recall there being mustard and ketchup involved (dear god, why?). Last year? Last year was a slight step up – although they did incorporate black olives which is a huge no-no for us. But it was definitely progress.

Clown Pizza | Year 1

Clown Pizza | Year 2

And as for this year…

Friday the thirteenth. We had been looking forward to this day for weeks now and our game-plan was set. First, start the cake – then, walk to Rex Tavern down the street to take a photo (explanation on this soon), after that – order pizza while cake cools, then – start movies and finish decorating cake during intermission. Solid plan.

Having already, anxiously accumulated our baking gear earlier in the week, Sharon began making our clown cake utilizing some freshly bought skull pans she’d purchased. Our shit was going 3d this year! I had my doubts, though. I honestly felt this was just way too ambitious for a bunch of amateurs. I mean, fondant? Yikes! This was a whole other playing field of baking. But Sharon was convinced we had this in the bag. Or rather, she did. I was mainly planning on watching (and drinking).

As the cake pan came out of the oven to cool, we headed out down the street to a nearby bar called Rex Tavern in Jefferson Park. Now this is generally not a part of our clown party tradition, however, we had both seen (on several occasions), the bar’s elaborate Halloween decorations which entailed a huge, creepified clown hanging in their front window. This was a must for our party! Walking over, our Moscow mules were in full effect. Perhaps I had made our drinks a tad bit strong earlier. In any case, there was no way we were sitting down for a drink – especially when we could as easily walk back home and have more, free drinks! So instead of actually going inside Rex’s and being good patrons, we skulked outside for a couple, quick pictures before heading back to the apartment at which point, we happened upon an additional window display featuring a clown. What are the odds? And with a snap, snap – bonus photo!

Rex Tavern | Chicago, IL

Jefferson Park | Chicago, IL

Back at the apartment, we began that most pleasant of activities: the ordering of the clown pizza. It was, conveniently, at this point when Sharon’s PTSD from last year kicked in.

“It’s your turn to call” she insisted.

I obliged immediately – for I have no shame. And for added dramatics and pleasure, we video recorded the entire phone exchange – although thanks to Sharon’s mom calling mid process, the recording cut out after being placed on hold. But to summarize, we called the Bacci’s Pizza joint down the street from us and explained our ‘situation’ before placing the order which, as anticipated, was met with delightful silence. Shortly thereafter, I was asked to be placed on hold to run our request passed the restaurant manager. Ten minutes later, our request was underway! Apparently the ten minute delay was the result of waiting on several cooks attempting to pull up clown images on their phones for artistic reference. We laughed, requested no olives, and were charged the price of a pepperoni pizza.

Now back to that cake.

Having finally cooled, Sharon commandeered the cakes from the skull pans with minor difficulty and coated them with a crumb layer of frosting for further refrigeration before covering with fondant. So, what now? It was movie time! On our agenda this year was Killer Clowns from Outer Space and a more recent flick simply titled, Clown. We began with KCFOS for no particular reason but I’m sort of glad we did. If you’ve never seen it, first off, how? If you have, well, you probably know where this going. Killer popcorn, cotton-candy cocoons, the excessive usage of ‘buddy’ and ‘pal – I mean, this movie has it all, really – not to mention the pizza-delivery scene! What perfection!

Once pizza arrived, I suggested to Sharon we video record the reveal to which she enthusiastically agreed. For dramatics, I slow-motioned the entire thing which tech-savvy Sharon said she could just edit on her phone. She’s fancy.

In any case, this year’s pizza was, I’d say, par from last year’s. It wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t anything impressive either. I feel fairly confident that if the tables were turned, I could knock out some super impressive clown artwork. But, that’s all in the fun – the not knowing. Perhaps next year we’ll brief the restaurant with images from past years – give them some idea as to the type of standards we’re working with. Wouldn’t take much to up the ante at this point.

After pizza was consumed and KCFOS was over, we reverted our attention back to the clown cake. Sharon rolled out some white fondant and covered the skull head quite impressively while I covered a cake ball with red fondant for a nose and two additional balls with white fondant for eyes. And while our clown cake was only loosely based on the ‘It’ clown, Sharon had come across some vampire-teeth candy corns to use and as such, found herself doctoring up a mouth hole. We then skewered the cavities into the mouth using toothpicks – all the while knowing we had no actual intention of consuming any part of this sugar-coated death-trap. Sharon smeared on some red lip coloring while I attached a jumbo red nose and two ridiculously bulky eyeballs topped with gummy pupils into the eye sockets.

“Ah, I think the balls are too much” Sharon replied.

“Yeah, it’s a little ‘AHHHHHHHHHHH'” I laughed.

So, we removed the eyeballs and reattached the gummy pupils. Much better. And now for the eyebrows. Fortunately, I had already decided earlier that morning to wear my ‘It’ t-shit so I was Sharon’s point of reference. As she stenciled along, drippage began – followed shortly by panic. Luckily, the drippage was short-lived but unfortunately, my suggestions were not.

“Are you going to do anything under the eye?” I asked.

“You think I should?”

“I mean, I think it’ll stand out more.”

And that was the beginning and end of my terrible ideas. Sharon did her best to outline the entire eye but ended up dripping into the pupils which had to be replaced with fresh gummies. By the time all was said and done, I had much regret. But the project was still not finished! Hair! This clown needed hair! Since day one Sharon had been going on and on about buying a cotton candy machine so we could make hair for this but I outright refused. Total waste. And cotton candy is awful. Regardless, I had gifted Sharon a bag of cotton candy last Easter that she had apparently forgotten all about. Poor guy had just been sitting in our cabinets collecting dusk and dreaming of the day his destiny would fall upon him – dreaming of becoming clown hair. Several toothpicks later, we had hair-plugged the shit out of this cake and it looked . . . well, actually, pretty decent. Still – there was no way this thing was being consumed.

“What should we do with it?” I asked.

“We can throw it in the river?”

I busted into laughter.

“What? . . . . what did you just say? This isn’t a dead body, Sharon!”

“No, didn’t they do that in the movie?”

“Uh . . . let’s just sleep on this one . . . ”

I later came up with an awesome master-plan of bringing the cake to a nearby restaurant I love called The Big Top and leaving it in the parking lot after hours as it would be super ironic and mysterious (not to mention creepy)! But after I called the restaurant to check their hours, it appeared the timing would have been quite impossible since there was no way we were going out after 9pm on a Sunday!

The night wrapped up with our final movie viewing: Clown. Now there isn’t really too much to say about it. Short synopsis: guy finds old clown suit in his house and puts it on for his kid’s birthday party ; guy can’t get clown suit off and finds out it’s stuck to him and eventually turns him into a demon (hate when that happens); guy eventually gets killed by his wife. And that’s about it. It was pretty gory, to say the least. It was also unamusing since we were both super exhausted that late at night and barely paying attention anyway. When we finally did turn in for bed, Sharon bid me adieu.

“I’m probably going to dream about clowns tonight” she proclaimed.

Scuffling off to bed I wondered if the Bacci cooks were all anticipating the same.

Clowning Around I can't say for sure how we initially stumbled upon the brilliant idea of having a 'clown party' but approximately three years ago, it's magnificence was born.