#but its soooo important to me that they never made it that far | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

natriae · 11 months

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A fun white day

warnings: far to loving, deepthroat, masterbation (male), p in v, ushi is soooo pussy drunk (could be read on its own but some characters will not make sense)

5k words

one year later

Poland

"so how are things going with the wife,"

"She's not my wife," Ushijima responded to his teammate in the crowded bar. You're not his wife, yet.

"yeah yeah, did you get her anything for Valentine's day?" He asked, forgetting that the two of you celebrate differently than they do here.

"We don't do that. She gets me something then I get something for her next month,"

"oh yeah, yeah I forgot," His teammate was far too drunk already while Ushijima hadn't even gotten through his one beer. "Well, I can tell you this. Get her a sex toy! My wife loves the vibrator I got her," Ushijima's face flushed at his friend's comment. Other people at the bar began to look over at them at the outburst. Deciding it was time to go home, Ushijima grabbed his teammate and drove him back to his house. He couldn't even bring himself to look at his wife when she opened the door.

That night when Wakatoshi got home he was welcomed with a quiet house. You and Isa were in France spending time with Tendou, and Ushijima couldn't go with you guys. Even though that was the plan. Ushijima's manager had scheduled him for an important meeting that he couldn't miss. Sadly, he wasn't able to spend time with his best friend and his now family. He sulked to his room missing your bright energy engulfing him as soon as he opened the door. Once he was ready for bed he got in the covers and pulled out his phone for one last look before hitting the pillow. He thought back to his teammate's remark and searched up sex toys. He's never used one, and he doesn't think you have either. While scrolling through a dildo had caught his eye. It was a custom dildo. He could get a mold of his penis, and you would be able to use it whenever he wasn't there.

The two of you had now been together for a year. Falling asleep together in the same bed and then waking up tangled in each other's arms. Yet not once had the two of you had sex in your time of being back together. The six foot three man laid in bed thinking about what face you would make when you used the dildo. What face you would make when you were using his own cock. Bouncing up and down on him, and using him for your own pleasure. He felt his dick begin to harden at the thought and attempted to dismiss it, but the thought of you stripping for him made him go crazy. He already has a hard time keeping it in his pants when he watches your thighs jiggle as you walk. He's worried he'd scare you away if he tried initiating it. The last time the two of you did it, at 19 and 18, he left immediately the morning after, but now he knows about after care and all the other stuff. He just needs to prove it to you. He adds the dildo to his cart for now, and he will maybe buy it after post nut clarity. His left hand goes under the covers and in his boxers. He felt like he was 18 again secretly fisting himself after games where you looked so pretty cheering him on. He used to get erections everyday in highschool seeing you, but it interrupted his volleyball practice and deep down he felt terrible for thinking about you that way. He learned to keep it down, and then the two of you finally had sex, but it's been years. He's only had sex once. With you, and his cock had been craving your sweet pussy ever since. He began to slightly stroke his cock in a way he thought you would do it, but it wasn't the same. Your hands were soft and his weren't. He picked up his phone with his right hand and began to scroll through his camera to a picture of you on y'all most recent date. You were wearing an expensive silk dress Ushijima had brought you as a gift from across the world. The photo was of you sitting across from him at the white clothed dinner table in a fancy Italian restaurant. In the photo you were leaning forward a bit so there was a perfect amount of cleavage. His dick jumped a little and a tingle went down his stomach. He began to slowly stroke his dick again as he looked at the picture. He imagined your makeup being ruined from gagging on his thick cock. How loud you would be doing it. How you never do anything half assed, and how you would try and deepthroat him. He thought about your pretty face covered in his cum. How you would thank him for the meal, and begin licking your lips trying to get all of it. He started to think about his cum dripping from your pussy. He couldn't believe he got to fuck you at 19 without a condom, and didn't spread you legs to watch it drip out. He tightened his fist a bit to bring himself a little pain. He wanted to recreate how tight your pussy was that night. Finally what brought him to his high was the thought of your big pregnant belly. Your boobs would get bigger, your face would get rounder, and your thighs would get fatter. He was going feral over the thought of you pregnant with his baby. He quickly threw the covers off of his body, and jerked his cock faster as he reached his high. Small huffs and groans were heard in the small room while the first spurt of cum came out of his cock. He hasn't cum this hard in a long time. He tried to catch his breath pulling out his hand to find it covered in white. Looking down he noticed his boxers had a dark patch on his crotch too. He quickly got changed, and returned to his bed looking at his phone. He looked at the dildo in the cart for a few more minutes before ultimately deciding to buy it.

1 month later

14 March

Walking into the house both adults couldn't stop thinking about one another. They had just gotten back from dinner, and ushijima was clad in a white button up and black slacks. You, on the other hand, wore the same dress Ushijima got off to just a month ago. You were still unaware of the fact of course. Isa was spending the night at a friend's house allowing you and jima some alone time. When the two of you reached the bedroom you walked up to the broad man and put your hands on his chest. You kissed his jaw and left a peck on his lips. The two of you only kissed a handful of times and made out once. It wasn't unusual, but it was still special to him to receive a kiss.

"jima," you said in an airy voice. The way you said his name has the blood flowing straight to penis.You were looking up at him and suddenly your large doe eyes weren't as innocent as they were before.

'Can I do more?' he could tell you were asking. He nodded his head once and you left one more peck on his lips. Your hands began trailing down his chest feeling each bump from his muscles through his shirt. You unbuckled his pants and began pulling his shirt out of them. You left small kisses on his jawline and felt the small stumble on your lips. He smelled so good. So manly in a way you would let him do whatever he wanted to you. You began unbuttoning his shirt and slowly lowered yourself as you reached the bottom of his shirt. Now on your knees you looked up at the tall man and his head was looking down at you. He couldn't get over how pretty you looked right now. Both of your faces were flushed red at the intimate moment. His hands remained on the button of his pants and told him, "toshi i've never done this before…i-i'm sorry if it's not good," He watched you in a way that said it's okay. "you're the only person I've had sex with," He remained quiet at your comment. Had he had sex with another person while the two of you weren't together? He watched your eyebrows draw together in thought. He panicked that you got the wrong idea and immediately shook his head.

"You're the only one I've had sex with. The only one I want to have sex with," He was so sure about everything. You couldn't help but smile and find comfort in his words. You continued to unbutton his pants and bring down the zipper. After you pulled down his pants you looked at the small wet patch on his boxers. You could see his cock jump through the boxers every time you moved your hands on his strong thick thighs. God everything about him was large and muscular. Pushing him back he got the memo to go sit on the plush bench that rested at the end of your bed. Ushijima brought his left hand down to your face and cupped your chin so you looked up at him. He then ran his thumb over your lips before sliding it into your mouth.

Deciding to give the lucky man a show you closed your eyes and began to slowly lick and suck on his thumb. He gasped a bit in surprise and pulled his thumb out to then work on getting his boxers off. You forgot just how big he was down there.

It was pretty average length, but he was gurthy. His thick cock hung down while he sat. He was taking his shirt completely off and you sat in awe of the Greek god in front of you. Strong pecs, and eight abs starting right under it. His big biceps that would bulge out in every shirt he wore. There was a prominent V-line and green haired happy trail that led from his belly button down to his beautiful cock. He was so veiny and inviting. He's cock seemed so heavy it could barely hold itself up. You left small kisses starting at his knee trailing up his leg til you reached his pelvis. Then you repeated the same on the other side. Both of you thought back to how he did the same to you all those years ago. It felt so good and you haven't even touched him yet.

You lifted your hand and put one on his cock and the other rested on his thigh. You heard toshi take in a breath of air throught his teeth as soon as you touch him. He was so sensitive right now. He could cum at any moment if you let him. You sat up a little on your knees and let a glob of spit slowly drip down from your mouth. Landing perfectly on the mushroom head. His pretty, dark red, leaking tip. His dick was a bit tanner then the rest of him and it made him all more appealing. You lifted his dick up more so it stood straight and leaned you head down to lick a soft stripe on a vein that started in between his balls and up to his tip. He had such big balls. They hung down over the side of the plush bench, and you couldn't help yourself but pay more attention to them. No wonder you got pregnant the first time with those big breeder balls. If Ushijima could see into your head right now all he would hear is the word cock over and over again. He jumped a bit when you cupped his ball and put it into your mouth. You suck gently on it while you fondle the other. You switched and repeated it on the opposite ball. You stopped when you saw his thigh begin to shake from the simulation.

You looked up to see your 'toshi watching you with hooded eyes as you left small kisses and kitten licks on the head of his cock. Finally you moved your head down to take it in. You started sucking softly on the head giggling a bit at his expressions. He looked so pretty. His head started to lean back, but he kept forcing himself to look down at you. His mouth was open and his chest kept rising and falling. You moaned around him and he let out a gasp. His groans were music to your ears as you tried to force his cock deeper. Taking him out of your mouth you spit on his dick again and begin moving your hand up and down jerking him off. When you began to suck again you felt a large palm thread through your hair pushing you lightly down on his cock. The master bedroom was full of so many sounds from just two people. Gagging, groaning, and gasping was all that could be heard. You could tell 'toshi was close by his abs tightening up and his breathing picking up. While you sucked on his cock you forced yourself to deepthroat him. You stuck your tongue out to lick between his balls as tears began to fall from your eyes. At one particularly loud gag that had spit seeping from both sides of your mouth Wakatoshi pulled you off as you coughed for air. He stood up and began jerking his wet cock off at the sight of your flushed face with red, teary eyes. Your eyes held so much love. Your large doe eyes looked up at the man as he came undone. His head leaned back and he closed his eyes tightly as he came all over your face. You tried to stick your tongue out to catch the thick ropes, but most of it landed on your face and your pretty black dress leaving it stained by your loving boyfriend's semen.

Once Wakatoshi composed himself he hooked his hands under your arms and brought you to your feet. He wrapped his arms around you and kissed you harder than he ever has. There was so much passion in the kiss. He didn't want you to get away from him. The cum that was on your nose got on his and he couldn't care less about it. He licked your bottom lip and then inserted it into your mouth. As your tongues danced together he began unzipping your dress and letting it drop to the floor. When he finally departed from you he saw the tears fall from your eyes. You had a small smile on your face and watched his eyes roam around your face.

"Why are you crying, bunny?" His deep voice had a small crack in it as he spoke. He was very worried that you were in pain. Had he done too much? Did you not enjoy it as much as he did? Did you not want to move forward?

"because i'm happy," You said, his hands raised to your face and you placed your hands over top of his, "i'm so happy right now," There were small cracks in your voice as you spoke though sniffles, tears, and your quivering lip . You really were so happy. There was so much love between the two of you and just a year ago you were convinced everything was lost for you. But here he was holding you close. Skin to skin. Wanting to show you through his actions how much he loved you. He nodded his head once and dropped his hands to your thighs. He wanted you to jump so you did. Wrapping your arms around his neck, and your legs around his waist. He turned around and gently laid you on the bed treating you like glass. He kissed down your body starting at your lips then down your neck, to your chest. One kiss on each of your breasts above your bra. Then down your tummy, one each on your hips, then he lifted up each leg at a time and kissed up to your calf. He came back up to your panties and left one kiss on your pussy through the item of clothing. His eyes were shut and he stayed there for a moment before opening his eyes and looking up at you. He looks so pretty between your legs, and he thinks you look so pretty from this view. His brain short circuited when he looked back down at your panties covering your heat. Without thinking much more his strong arms reached up and ripped your underwear open. You gasped at the force in which he ripped them off.

"jima-" you gasped, but he seemed far too hypnotized to look up or even react to your outburst. He wanted nothing more than to stuff his face in your beautiful pussy.

"if you lick it, it's yours,"

"huh," you said, what does he even mean by that?

"tendou always said that if you lick it, it's yours, so if i lick it does that mean it's mine?" He asked, still not looking away from the glistening hole.

You giggled finally realizing what he meant and you nodded your head, "yes baby, if you lick it it's yours'" you couldn't help but continue to giggle until you felt his tongue lick up your already wet pussy. God, it's been far too long. He was basically making out with your pussy at this point. Kissing and sucking. He brought his left hand up and used his pointer finger to begin drawing small circles on your clit. His face kept looking up to yours and back down to your pussy to make sure you were feeling good. It was so hot to see the bottom half of his face covered in your slick, and how his eyes showed that he still wanted more. Shoving his face back between your legs, his tongue started to move in and out of your pussy. He'd curl it up as soon as he got it as far as he could then scoop your cum out. Eventually he moved his left hand down from your clit and slowly brought his middle finger into your vagina. You were still so tight, and his singular finger was so thick. Eventually he tried fitting in another, and then a third. Your loud moans could probably be heard from around the block. He was more than proud of himself. You caught his small smirk before he went to suck on your clit. You brought your hands down once you felt the small knot tighten in your stomach. Noticing your hands tugging and pulling on his hair he started speeding up a bit at his fingering. He was still sucking on your clit and his tongue kept flicking the small bean. It felt like you were gonna pee again. It felt like the future and the past were all meshing together as your thighs tightened around his head as you came.

When he crawled back up so the two of you were face to face he took his forearm and wiped at his mouth, and oh my god was he sexy.

"I need to grab a condom," He told you in his deep, sultry voice. You immediately shook your head no and tightened your hold on his shoulders. " I need words, bunny."

"no, no condom please," You could barely think and his cock wasn't even in you yet. Your bottom lip jutted out as you gave him your best doe eyes. You wanted nothing more than to feel his fat, veiny cock hitting your cervix and the risk of having his baby again. You could tell in his face that he wanted it too. He wanted to watch his cum leak out of your used pussy, and leave you nothing but cock drunk on your toshi. Yours. Everything is for you. He seemed careful about what he should do next so for a little more convincing you started rubbing the front of your right foot on the backside of his thigh as you reached behind your back and uncliped your bra. He noticed your struggle to take the bra off, and when he turned to throw it in the laundry basket you quickly brought him back down on top of you. Slightly shoving your boobs in his face. For such a big man he had such a simple mind. You began pawing at his chest and he finally got the hint. With one arm holding him up beside your head he reached down to grab his cock and begin lining it up to your pussy. You spread your legs a little bit wider as he began to rub his cock over your pussy. When it got caught on your clit you let out the most beautiful whine. He started with just the tip letting you adjust, and then slowly started to sink down. You were so lucky. You have such a handsome man on top of you, and he seemed just as out of breath as you are. He closed his eyes and let out a quiet groan at how tight your pussy was gripping him. He loved it, and no matter how badly he wanted to cum he wouldn't allow himself until you came first. If there was one thing he was good at it was discipline. He felt your arms hook over his shoulders again once he halted. He was balls deep, but he still would listen to anything you wanted. Pulling him down a bit your noses touched as you left a feather light kiss on his lips.

"Do it hard, please," is all you had to say for Toshi to get the memo. He slowly pulled his hips back just to slam them in hard. He repeated this as your moans got louder. He got more excited hearing your beautiful voice and began to speed up.

"toshi, toshi, toshi," you said smiling and giggling, " I know you're excited right now, but that kinda hurts me," you knew he didn't quite understand his own strength sometimes. He quickly apologized and began going at a medium speed.

"Is this good?" he asked as he watched your face contort and you bite your lip.

"uh toshi~ it's perfect baby," You moaned again after finishing your sentences and tears fell down your face. How could you ever think this was painful, maybe it's because of childbirth and your vagina isn't the same as it used to be but this feels heavenly. He started grunting and breathing heavily like a bull as your fingers clawed at muscled back. He wanted to make you feel so good, and he was doing just that.

"tosh-toshi uh i'm gonna cum baby," His mouth was now open a bit, and he gazed down at you unable to handle how good he felt. Everytime his abs would clench your pussy would clench too. It was so soft. His fist couldn't compare.

"i'm gonna cum too," is all he could get out before he started letting out quiet whimpers that gradually got louder as both of you came. His body fell on top of yours and you wrapped your arms and legs around him to ride out your high. Once Toshi stopped whimpering and whining you couldn't help but get sad. To hear such a strict and disciplined man whimper over your pussy was like music to your ears and totally added to how wet you already were.

His head now rested on your chest as you brought your hand up to begin massaging his scalp. You could feel his chest rise and fall as his dick came out of your now messy vagina, but his relaxing stopped as soon as he hopped up like he just remembered something. He scooted down a bit on the bed and lifted both your legs up in an attempt to bring your knees to your chest.

"jima what are you doing,"

"Watching," is all he said as he stared at your pussy, "push,"

"huh?"

"push like you're going to pee," his eyes did not once move away from your pussy. He watched as the white liquid came dripping out of your pussy in fat globs. God, he swore he was gonna come again on the spot. You tried to look down as much as you could just to see the man absolutely hypnotized. You don't think you've ever seen him this focused in your life. When he finally got out of his trance he gazed up at you and then walked into the bathroom.

You lifted yourself up jumping at the sticky, uncomfortable coldness between your legs to try and figure out what he was doing. You heard the faucet for the bathtub begin and you panicked that he was just gonna leave you here alone like he did last time. You leaned back on the king size bed and covered your eyes with your hands. Ushijima came back into the bedroom and began lifting you up bridal style. Your hands quickly left your eyes staring at the man in confusion. What was he doing? He then began walking with you into the bathroom and gently set you in the tub where the warm water was still filling. He disappeared once more to strip the bed, and then finally climbed into the tub behind you. Toshi wrapped his arms around you and brought you to lean back on his chest in the warm water. You could really get used to this.

~~later that night~~

Crawling into bed you saw Toshi come running out of the bathroom in his boxers. He had just finished brushing his teeth, and remembered that he had a gift for you. Coming out of the walk-in closet you couldn't help but watch his abs as he moved. He had eight of them. You smiled at the fact as he sat down on the bed facing you and handed you your gift. It was a smallish rectangle box and you kept glancing up at his unmoving face as you began to rip the wrapping paper off. You didn't quite get what you were looking at until you turned the box to the side and saw the dildo displayed.

"Jima!" you shouted at him. There was a large text box that wrote 'customizable to a specific penis'. "you didn't!"

"Do you not like it?" he asked with genuine confusion displayed on his face. Your jaw was on the floor unable to believe the gift he got you.

bonus bonus:

Ushi: where did you learn to give head like that?

you: i read....a lot

tags: @mineta-phobic @rukia-uchiha-98 @ssc7514 @megumuro

#haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!!#haikyuu fluff #ushijima x reader #ushijima wakatoshi #ushijima headcanons #ushijima imagine #ushijima fluff #ushijima smut #ushijima fic #ushijima x y/n #wakatoshi x reader #wakatoshi fluff #wakatoshi smut #haikyuu wakatoshi

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fastcardotmp3 · 8 months

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🌻august bookshelf🌻

july recs | recs tag

I really enjoyed putting together a little fic rec list at the end of last month and decided to do it again!

🌻driving in your car by @kkpwnall - when I say the ultimate pining Steddie fic I MEAN IT. the use of the car as this sort of central, grounding force within Steve's world and the way the testing of his tether to Hawkins and the people in it plays out here is stunning, not to mention the HANDS and the ronance going on stage left and the complete and utter tenderness lying just beneath the surface. perfection I am swallowing it whole

🌻clueless by @gothbat99 - such a lovely short & sweet slice of life in the summer after they win the war, it feels SO important in its simplicity that Nancy and Robin are getting to behave like young people, all free and hopeful and discovering how to want/ be wanted. made my heart so big and warm in only 1k words like THAT !!! is so impressive, so worth your time, will make your day better guaranteed

🌻Faces Freedom with a Little Fear by @fragilecapric0rnn - literally Steve family-centric character study of all time, come swoon over big sister JJ Harrington and watch as her presence in his life creates a fullness and richness of growth and self-realization LIKE. I could bask in this world for the rest of forever and never get tired of its sincerity and depth and siblingisms, what a heart-squeezing delight from start to finish

🌻haunted hawkins by @hellsfireclub - starts with the brilliant premise of "what if it's not just Hawkins?" and RUNS with it, giving not just beautiful ruminations on both Nancy and Robin as they start a journey towards figuring out just how far the paranormal spreads and also a journey towards mutual self discovery and (: lesbianism (: READ THIS FIC.

🌻then I see you, you're walking 'cross the campus by stellarpoint (@heybluechild) - a lovely little peek at Steve and Nancy's friendship coming back together after they've come into their own a little bit and Nancy being so, so brave in coming out to him. truly this made my heart so big and full and warm i am carrying them gently in the palms of my hands

🌻this must be the place by @judasofsuburbia - JARGYLE CAMPING. the tenderness of this, the peace offered to Jonathan when he hasn't ever really known such a thing, the way they just sort of slot together and find and choose and become each other?? it's got me all soft in the heart and THAT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN. illegal actually. I'm weak in the knees :((

🌻Young, Scrappy, & Hungry by @fragilecapric0rnn - politics ronance rivals to lovers WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?? perfect dynamics already and I can't wait to see where these girls go. the characterizations of them is so REAL despite the very different world of Washington they've been dropped into and my lesbian, TWW-loving ass is feeling soooo normal about them SO normal don't worry about it

🌻The Warmth Pulls by TheDeathsWish - I'm not fully caught up on this one yet, but it is genuinely one of the most unique AUs I've come across so I have to mention it here. It's still 1986 and it's still Hawkins, but the sci-fi overlay is switched out for more purely fantasy elements, including some very cool and beautifully revealed eccentricities and abilities of the characters. Steddie but also so hugely dependent on the ensemble of it all, which you know I eat up, I'm excited to keep working my way through this one!

P.S. if you read and enjoy any of these, please remember to tip your writers in kudos and comments!💛

#dot recs #fic recs #steddie #ronance #jargyle #steve harrington #eddie munson #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #jonathan byers #argyle stranger things #it's not the last day of the month but i'm going out of town tomorrow so here you go shhhh #will i manage to do this every month? only time will tell but for now i am making it happen!

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nc-vb · 10 months

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𝐁𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫, 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐨 𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐞

I just wanted to write something so we could touch his lil hip windows, ok... just once...

pairing -> sampo x gn!reader

warnings -> sfw, no pronouns or names used (reader is called "chief" by the kids), description of frostbite (skin type-inclusive), non-sexual intimacy & non-sexual nudity.

notes -> love me a big n beefy dummy with hip windows. also if anyone’s familiar with salvatore ferragamo’s cologne collection, yeah, this is how i imagine Sampo smells. soooo good. also, frostbite really sucks, so pls always dress according to the weather! (advice i give in the middle of Canadian summer…) -> for most skin types, frostbite will make it turn purplish, so i’ve left things ambiguous as best as i can ;-;

wc -> 4.6k

There’s only so much time in a day you’d ever allot towards thumb-twiddling and pooch-screwing. With all your responsibilities pulling each of your limbs in all different directions at all times of the day, you’d already overextended yourself far past what the definition of “comfortability” supplied— taking breaks? Out of the question. You’d been lucky enough to fit in even five minutes to eat a proper meal or two each day, leaving you little else room to be able to drop the ball.

Life in Belobog already made sure for you that being comfortable was the last item on your daily itinerary to address. Being reliable, being helpful, and supplying for those either less fortunate or less able than yourself, is what has always mattered. And doing so on a timely basis has always been important to you. Natasha’s patients, nor the miners you’d been a ward for, couldn’t afford to wait. And since taking up the mantle, you’d always managed to make good on any promises made, making this the very first time you’d ever been tardy. Five minutes is acceptable. Even a half an hour. But two hours late for your delivery? It certainly isn’t your fault. And anyone who knows you well enough would find only concern for such a change in character.

“… g-gatekeeping c-c-conman… d-damn it.” You dip your chin further into your scarf and blow, the hot air warming your chest for but a moment. “C-Could’ve taken me with him this time, but n-no… Gotta play b-both sides… m-make me wait in the c-cold like this…”

You tell yourself you should’ve known better at least every other time you’re left waiting for him out front your shack of a home— somehow, it’s even colder on the inside, like being incapsulated by one of the ice needles decorating the outskirts of Belobog, and so, you wait for him on your stoop, clad in the thickest clothing within your possession and blowing temporary heat into your bare palms.

It isn’t like Sampo Koski to not show up late to a party, or a meeting, or a goods exchange, probably even to use the bathroom— really, expecting anything different of him so late in your acquaintanceship is no more unintelligent than believing he’d go cold turkey and abandon his usual backhanded underhandedness for tactics a little more honest. Then again, the man still owes you nearly three thousand Shield from almost a month ago, and has almost every excuse in the book prepared in order to stall in paying it back…

He’s always late. He’s never not been late. But he’s never been this late.

Beneath your chilled bones and deep within your chest, something pulses with worry. Worry? I’m worried?

Maybe. Maybe because, with all his usual fooling around done up in the Overworld, he’d finally gotten caught by those Silvermane Guards— a great cause for your concern considering this would mean losing your intermediary between Belobog’s attic and its basement; having Sampo take care of your shipments lifted a massive weight off your back while you managed your other responsibilities, and in exchange, his debts owed to you slowly knocked themselves away. This would be bad news for sure, losing such a valuable partner. But somewhere along the line, things blurred, and eventually, it was no longer just business that you spoke of with him.

A funny joke or two he’d heard while up in the Overworld that he couldn’t not share with you. An incident he’d missed that was too entertaining not to share with him. A new treat you’d made for the kids of Hook’s adventure squad that’d been devoured in seconds, and the fact that you’d managed to save a couple for him to try.

Despite how easily insufferable he could be, he’d become a friend, one you found yourself silently fretting over, even after his return. And losing your friend is not the business agreement you’d made with him.

Or is it more than friendship…

The longer you sit in the cold, the more glaringly obvious the possibility of this actually having happened, is. He’s usually quite cautious, a grand coward if you’d ever known one; protecting his own hide has always been priority number one. So, you know he can run away just fine; you know those regular old Silvermane Guards wouldn’t be able to get him on their own, so was it Gepard? Or that Bronya woman? Sure, Sampo’s strong, himself, but against either of those two?

Your stomach clenches at the thought.

What if the half-hearted promise of being careful was the last thing you’d heard from him, after all? What if you’d never get a chance to have his infectious enthusiasm rub off on you, or never again hear about a business venture gone hilariously wrong? No more little bags of your favourite Overworld bonbons brought back as a souvenir, the ones the two of you would share together before the fire, and fight over when it came time for who got to have the last of the best kind?

“Sampo…” You pull your knees a little tighter into your chest, lips tucked into them and trembling into a frown.

Inhaling deeply, you release the breath just as fast, appearing as a white cloud before your lips. The frost that normally seeps through the border between Belobog’s two worlds is bitter enough, but on either end, all its people suffered from the unavoidably devastating chill contained within its atmosphere during the more wintery months. It says a lot considering it’s practically winter all the time, only less so in certain regions. But no one would be spared by it, and no amount of extra layering could possibly quell it— this, you learned quite quickly as a child.

Before Belobog’s Supreme Guardian made the decision to split apart the world into two hemispheres, your family had been prominent figures of Belobog society, known of in equal regard by those in the Overworld and those in the Underworld. Even after the Fragmentum managed to take the lives of those in your family —sparing you, for no easily explainable reason — you swore to honour them and the people of Belobog through provisional access.

When an entrance was found not too long after the segregation process began, additional supply trading reopened past what the Overworld provided— unliveable quantities of food and medical supplies that had innocents suffering. Despite your, at the time, young age, you’d realized that if you hadn’t survived the Fragmentum attack, this trade opportunity might not have been possible. “There’s power in a name,” Sampo once told you. “That’s why I’ve never lied when asked about mine!”

Now, you huff out a laugh at the memory of you asking if he’d been sure it wasn’t actually his ego, and pause upon recognizing how off-course your thoughts had gotten. Your point is, back when life was more comfortable and of less ache and agony, you could afford to fuel your fireplace, and there was no shortage of warmth. The arms of your family that would hold you were hot to the touch from having stood only a couple of feet from flickering flames; blankets were whole and left unpatched and thereby let no cold in— things are different now. With the last of your available firewood, your makeshift campfire stopped burning about an hour ago, and your last blanket, barely left in one piece, absorbed too much chill in the air and barely served well enough as a cushion beneath your frozen rear, you’ve been sitting for far too long, waiting for someone who might not even be coming back…

“… tired,” you mumble to yourself. You can feel yourself slipping, not just along the blanket, but into what your brain manages to suspect is hypothermia. “Sampo…”

Before your body completely gives out on you and your eyes shut all the way, you hear fast-moving scuffling coming from behind you — footsteps — that reaches you in time to catch you by your shoulders.

You jolt, from the contact, and from the pain the contact brings— like you’d been pricked by a handful of Natasha’s syringes, or like being electrocuted, all in one concentrated area. A sound no less like a yowl of a cat escapes you, and your glossed-over eyes widen as far as your face’s frozen muscles allow.

“I’m… really late this time… aren’t I,” a familiar voice realizes, tone unquestioning of his words. He doesn’t have to be in your vision to know whose voice it is, but he graces you anyway, leaning over and around your shoulder so that him and his head of violet hair take up almost ninety percent of it.

You’re stiff. If not for the cold freezing your frown in place, you don’t think you could muster a glare for him otherwise. Stare lidded and eyebrows furrowed; cold-paled, downturned, chapped lips spread thin into a line so taut, a split of red forms down the middle of them. His own lips part, his grimace deepening.

“Bit,” you answer, and the blanket wrapped around your shoulders falls away, your fingers finally too burnt to hold it up any longer. Beneath it, you’d been wearing a thick, woollen sweater, with two other layers under it, and two pairs of pants. Your scarf hadn’t nearly been as thick as your sweater, nor did it really do its job of keeping your neck warm, and your winter socks had been worn out from use for almost two seasons now. You suppose that’s what happens when you become your last priority.

Sampo winces when his gaze falls on the fingers poking out from the sleeves of your sweater. Purpling, ashy skin, particularly on the backs of your hands— he watches you struggle to unclench them, to try to straighten them out, only for your skin to pale from a lack of blood flow. Instantly, Sampo is down on a knee, his own chilled hands coming up to stop you from making yours worse.

“Easy there, pal,” he says, a nervous chuckle slipping past cheshired lips. “I think you have frostbite.”

“Prob’ly,” you murmur. “Hurts to move.”

His swallowing is harsh, eyes filling quickly with guilt the longer he stares down at you. Several times, he has to shake himself from his stupor after deciding to tend to you. It startles him to be able to feel the chill through both his gloves and your sweater, and both absentmindedly and instinctively begins rubbing from the tops of your shoulder and down to your elbows.

You bite out a gasp, one of pain when it finally sinks in that maybe, you’ve been outside for even longer than you should’ve been, and raise your hands to grab his, but even this sends a pain rippling from the tips of your fingers and into your wrists—

“Ouch, S-Sampo… Hurts.”

“Huh? It hurts? What hurts?” And he rubs your one arm once more. “This?”

“M-Mhm,” and you knock his touch away with your shoulder. He sighs, sounding almost nervous or aggravated, and drags his fingers through his bangs.

“If I stand you up, do you think you’ll have the energy to stay on your feet?”

You hum, but it isn’t a positive noise.

“Then are you okay with me carrying you? It’s probably gonna hurt again. Not like we’ve got much of a choice here, though…”

“Carry me,” you say. “Carry me to Nat’s. Don’t worry… about the pain.”

“You got it.”

Somehow you thought you’d be more frustrated. You definitely are frustrated, but for now, you find yourself blaming your lack of an explosive response on the fact that you’re numb nearly from head to toe. If you still have any ears, you wouldn’t know it since you can’t feel them. You aren’t even able to smell your favourite of Sampo’s cologne he always wears, even with him being as close to him as you are after being rewrapped in your blanket and swept up into his arms. Even your hearing is slightly dulled; you swear you can hear humming, as faint as it is, and you can’t pinpoint where it comes from— with no one else around, you easily suspect Sampo as the artist. You shouldn’t have such drastic symptoms for your senses.

“What time is it?” you finally remember to ask, albeit in a croak, your throat suddenly dried out.

“Ah, well, it was around two when I got back, and that was a half an hour ago, so… a little after two-thirty?”

You manage to sigh without making a sound.

“Thought I was outside for two hours,” you start. “I think it’s… been four hours.”

Being mostly numb, you can only tell Sampo holds you a little tighter, a little closer to him as he walks because the skin on your back prickles.

“I’m sorry,” he says. Looking up, you see his own eyes cast forward down the cobbled road— avoidance. More guilt? “I’m not trying to make an excuse, but something did happen to make me late. It wasn’t just me this time, haha…”

Another of the blurred lines. A long while ago, Sampo stopped lying to you. A funny little declaration from “business partner to business partner” until “no longer lying” turned into secret-sharing and line-crossing honest— you’d wish he’d dial it back sometimes with how honest he could be. Even now, as he tells you it wasn’t entirely his fault why he’d left you waiting out in the cold, in spite of your pain and frustration, you give him the benefit of the little doubt you held onto.

“… tell me about it later,” you say, voice only just slightly higher than a whisper. “… ‘m so cold.”

Sampo is warm. Well, warmer than you. You don’t recall there ever being a time before now that the two of you have been so close, but he radiates heat like hot coals. There’s no doubt that he’s feeling cold, himself, wearing his half-sleeved jacket and a shirt that exposes his sides so easily to the elements. But he feels warm to you; you can feel it through even your blanket as you shiver.

“Don’t you worry; Sampo’s gonna get you warm and toasty in no time.”

The rest of the walk to Natasha’s clinic is completed in silence. With you living so far away from the displaced residents of the Underworld to maintain the safety of your supplies, it’s a walk that makes avoiding curious eyes impossible, and especially those of the children who recognize you upon reaching your destination in Boulder Town.

“Ah, h-hey, kiddos!” Sampo’s greeting is shaky, and for the briefest of moments, so is he. “What’s goin’ on?”

Wary of him from your past warnings from when you and he had just been acquainted a couple of years back, they regard him with the same disdain you once did— with little Julian at the helm, they stand before the steps to Natasha’s clinic with their arms crossed and eyebrows downturned, barring his path.

“Where are you taking the chief!?” Julian demands, craning his neck to glare up at Sampo, who only blinks back.

“The… chief?”

“Chief of sweets,” you answer. “I make them sweets a lot.”

“Gotcha… Well, I’m bringing the chief to see the good doctor! We’re feeling a little under the weather, see?”

“Look how much the chief is shaking!” one of the other children exclaim. Sampo nods quickly, and attempts to shuffle up the stairs.

“That’s right! Waiting out in the cold for a long time will do that! So will you let me through?”

Julian huffs at him. “Fine! But I’m telling Boss Hook about this, and she won’t be happy about it.” Without another word or a moment of hesitation, Julian runs off, his friends in tow toward the Great Mine.

Sampo sighs, carting you up the rest of the steps in his arms before pausing.

“I gotta set you down for a sec, okay?” You nod, your body jittering in his firm hold when your feet finally touch the ground. Still cradled by his one arm and balancing you against his hip, he shoves open the door to the clinic and helps you inside by lifting you past the threshold and into his arms once more.

It’s already even warmer now, your muddled brain manages to conjure; you can’t help yourself when you snuggle back into his chest. Sampo looks to you, lips pursed, and pale cheeks reddened, before shouting away from you for Natasha. Off to the side, the door to the second floor infirmary opens, and Natasha appears, slightly breathless.

“Sampo?” she says, glancing between the two of you. “What’s with all the shouting?”

“Sorry, Nat— bit of an emergency,” he says, nodding down at you, the “emergency” in question. A single-toned note escapes you in greeting; you’d been winded after the sudden moving around you’d just done. “You got a bed?”

“I-I do, right upstairs; first to the right—” He’s quick to pass her, and even faster in climbing the staircase. Over his arm, you see Natasha following after him, her skirt hiked up half-past her calves in an attempt to keep up.

But really, you’ve never seen Sampo Koski move this fast unless he’d been running away.

You’re jostled once more, and in feeling your body separating from Sampo’s, you brace yourself for the pain that eventually comes from being lowered onto one of the clinic’s cots. Like falling dominoes, the blanket on the cot rubs into yours, which rubs into your sweater and other under layers and into your skin.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry…”

Sampo’s muttering doesn’t go unnoticed by Natasha. For as long as she’s known him, she can’t recall a time that he’s ever behaved so… docile? In the stress of the moment, she’s not quite sure if that’s the right word to use for him, so it would have to do for now.

“So, would either of you care to tell me what’s happened, then?” she says, and pulls on a pair of dark gloves.

“I’m pretty sure it’s frostbite,” Sampo says, awhile helping to unravel your blanket off of you for her. “You were out in the cold for hours…”

Natasha gasps. “In this weather? At this temperature?”

“They’d been waiting for me, but then that happened!” he spits out, panicked. “It wasn’t my fault!” In her flurry of grabbing clean towelettes, she manages to shoot him a look of frustration.

“You did a good thing by saving those kids, Sampo, but you can’t forget your other priorities.”

“I… I didn’t!” he tries swearing. “They helped me out, so I couldn’t just leave them like that! Ahh, I’m so sorry…”

Natasha sighs, placing the collected cloths next to you on the bed. “Apologizing isn’t going to help us here, so while I get these clothes off, can you go heat up a basin of water?” He nods, almost too enthusiastically.

“A hot basin of water, got it!”

“A warm basin.”

“A warm basin of water, r-right—“

He toddles off, rounding the bed from your right and crossing the clinic with a flat bucket in hand. A deep sigh from you has Natasha glancing back at you.

“I’d apologize for him, but I’m sure you already know just how aggressive he’ll be in making it up to you once you’re better.”

Your nodding shifts the pillow beneath your head.

“He… wouldn’t have been late for no reason,” you reason. “I should’ve just come here when I realized… he wouldn’t be on time.”

“Yes, you should have.”

You clear your throat a little. “Respectfully… I don’t need a lecture about it, Nat.”

“Good.” She turns around completely and begins helping to remove your three upper layers. “You’ve lived here long enough to know the consequences of being outside in this weather— if not because of Sampo, it would be because of someone else.”

“O-Old habits die hard,” you grumble, hissing as she decides to be quick in sliding off the lower two pieces of clothing, leaving your chest exposed.

“… it definitely looks like the beginning of stage three frostbite,” Natasha says, agreeing with Sampo’s earlier prognosis. “Any longer waiting out there, you might’ve needed surgery.”

“Surgery,” you repeat. “Sounds painful.”

“It is. Especially since we’re out of the usual anesthetic.”

You neglect to tell her that you likely have hypothermia, but without announcing it, she’s already assumed this just by just your symptoms— shivering, drowsiness, the pure exhaustion reflected in your lidded gaze; in the stress of the moment, she still manages to find amusement in the way your eyelids struggle to raise when Sampo returns with the basin.

“Is this good?” Sampo asks, head inclined toward Natasha. “Is it too warm?”

“It’s good,” Nat nods, having stuck a finger in to test it. She gestures at an empty tabletop. “Go ahead and put it there.”

“Sure, okay—” Sampo pauses, eyes wide with his gaze focused to the corners, at you. Slowly does his head twist toward you, lips parting until his jaw drops, and, like earlier when he’d been running around in the cold with you, his cheeks burn with rouge. Oh, right. My clothes are gone.

Natasha’s own eyes widen in realization. She’s quick to drop your clothes to the side and step towards Sampo, and even quicker to begin shoving him out of your presence.

“H-Hey, Nat! Hold — hold on a second!”

“You can wait outside, okay?” she tells him, her voice sickeningly sweet with the tone she only ever uses when needing to be firm.

“Hey, okay, okay! I won’t look! Just—” you hear him sigh from the other side of the partition. “Just let me wait here, on the other side, alright? Please?”

“… ’t’s fine, Nat,” you pant out, your once calm heart now startled into a steady rhythm. At any rate, apparently having Sampo see you half nude on a medical cot works as a warming tool. “H-He can wait there…”

Nat relents with a sigh, with Sampo groaning in relief from the other side of the partition. You take a breath of your own, unheard over the sound of something metal dragging across the floor of the clinic— another partition.

“Just in case,” she adds.

Besides any general noises you’d often heard from within the clinic before, and the gentle of sloshing of the towelettes being rung out after being dipped into the water in the basin, there’s silence between the three of you. Natasha’s brow is is slightly furled when she carefully lays the cloths along your cold-burnt skin— like your fingers, purpling had started stretching out across it, and in more exposed areas, you’d even begun to blister. Bringing your surface temperature back up safely and slowly is the goal, she’d told you. Upon covering your chest, she clears her throat. “Sampo.”

There’s a slight squeak from the other side of the wall. “I-I wasn’t looking?!”

“Whether you were or weren’t, I need you to now. Come back in here, please.”

“Huh? W-Why?”

“I need you to handle the rest of this for me while I go look for some medicine.” She looks to you with a frown. “You aren’t feeling it now because your body is in shock, but you’ll be in a lot of pain when your temperature returns to normal. You’ll want to be asleep when it finally does.”

“Oh… okay.” The partition creaks, and Sampo slips between the two, careful not to let any other prying eyes see you. You peer down past your feet at him. “Hi.”

“… h-hi.”

Gently still, Natasha pats an unaffected part of your arm. “I’ll be back shortly.”

“Take your time,” you say. “’s’not like I’m going anywhere.”

Her smile is soft; you watch her go, listening to the click of her heels until they disappear through the same doorway as earlier.

Surprisingly, Sampo is already to work— his regular gloves pulled off and shoved haphazardly into one of his pockets, he dons a pair of the clinic’s medical ones that, despite being an average size, manages to squeeze his hands almost uncomfortably so.

“You… don’t have to wear those,” you tell him. “Just Nat’s habit. You’re only putting towels on me.”

He looks down at his hands, lips pursed and his cheeks still pink. You manage a dry laugh at his expense.

“Or are you suddenly feeling self-conscious,” you muse, thinking back to earlier. “Not like anyone saw you half-naked.”

Sampo huffs at you. “J-Jeez…”

This time, you smile at him. “Is it nerves? Or guilt? Don’t feel guilty. You… you saved some kids?”

“… yeah,” he mumbles, and tears off the ill-fitting gloves to throw in the trash. “Had to help them out after they saved me. You know me,” he sings half-heartedly. “I never leave a debt unpaid…”

“Sampo, I-I’m not mad at you,” you swear. You watch him avert his gaze and pick up a towel. “Sampo. I’m just glad you’re safe.”

His eyes widen before he turns back to you. “Huh?”

“That whole time… I was worried you were hurt… or caught. Four hours is… a long time. But I was happy when you finally showed up. I was so cold that… I couldn’t tell you this… And now, I’m so sleepy that I… I just hope that what I’m saying makes sense.”

Those blurred lines… are really getting a lot clearer now, you sluggishly realize, the longer you stare up at him. His own concern for you… the way he looks at you when he does… It can’t be strictly because of his “never leave a debt unpaid” policy he just reminded you of. He’s never looked at Natasha like this, nor any of his other customers or clients.

You suddenly chuckle to yourself. “I’m not drugged up on Nat’s medicine yet, so before I take it… let me say this.” He swallows. “Your debt to me… is clear,” and his eyes widen, “as long as you stop being so reckless… and as long as we can keep helping each other… and if you can… stay with me more. Even if you’re late… I always want to see you. Always… okay?”

The towel slips from his hands. You watch him inhale, his chest seemingly puffing up with the trapped air, and drop the towel.

“W-Was… Is th-that a…? Was that…?”

“Mm… a confession,” you finish. “Yeah. It was. Been simmering on it for a while now, I think. Is that okay?”

Hand on his hip, he finally exhales, flossing through his bangs with his fingers again.

“I-I mean… yeah!” You hold in another laugh at how high his voice had broken to. “Totally fine.” He grabs another towel and throws it in the slightly steaming basin.

Sliding it from the bed, you reach out your hand for him.

“Sampo,” you call, urging him to take it. When he doesn’t, and returns his attention to the water, you reach out a little further, and instead reach for his exposed skin beneath his coat. A small yelp of surprise escapes him the second you trail your finger along his hip, and instinctively, he goes to grab your wrist to stop you until spotting how dark the flesh of your fingers has become from the cold.

“H-Hey!” he hisses lowly, face quick to become splotched with rose.

“… you’re still cold, too.”

“Sampo…”

The man jumps at Natasha’s return, careful to turn on the spot when your hand had still been resting on his one hip, even minutes later and at your insistence at warming him up.

“I at least did one, it’s not my fault!!”

#ik it's not romancy REALLY but ;-;#i love him so much.#sampo #sampo koski #sampo x reader #sampo x yn #sampo x y/n #sampo koski x reader #sampo koski x yn #sampo koski x y/n #hsr x reader #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail

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picaroroboto · 2 months

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I've been wanting for a little while to talk about Pandaemonium, and about Hermes, and what I think these two topics have to do with each other, so here goes. The whole time I was playing the story in Pandae, I kept thinking that I wish I could tell Hermes about all this. For one, because Hermes expresses that he feels he's the only one emotionally suffering, yet here is Erichthonios also clearly going through some shit, so maybe they could find some sort of solidarity together.

For two, because I feel Pandae proves Hermes right in his criticisms of the Ancient world. It's essentially every single flaw of their world in microcosm! Let me try to explain:

To start, let's review Hermes and his problems:

This is from the conversation with him after you show him the Elpis flower changing color for you. He expresses the sympathy he feels for creations, and how being forced to put them down for the sake of the star puts him in this ethical crisis. The entire Ancient world is built around this idea of "for the sake of the star" at the expense of all else, including the lives of their creations and their own individual emotions. Because of this, Hermes feels all the more isolated, as if he's the only one who ever feels bad or questions the foundation of their society.

There is something very, very twisted about the fact that Pandaemonium lies geographically below Elpis, the Hell to its symbolic Eden or Heaven. At the very moment Hermes is crying over having to put down dangerous creations, even more dangerous creations are being kept alive in a hellish gothic prison replete with chains and cages.

As I traveled through Pandaemonium, I also kept thinking "Why is it a prison?" Why does such a place even need to exist? As we find out in Anabaseios, the concept of it being a place to research dangerous creations is a cover story, it's more or less Athena's personal laboratory for her to pursue her goal of godhood. I've seen people praise Athena for being a more shallow and simple villain than Emet-Selch for example, but she's not just a megalomaniac:

"I am no different from our peers" is soooo telling. Her obsession with remaking mankind in her image isn't just a selfish madness, it's the ideals of the Ancients, their obsession with making perfect creations for the sake of the star, taken to it's furthest and most insane conclusion! (also note the irony in her belief that a goddess would remake the species better, when Hydaelyn, the only true goddess in the setting, chose to preserve them as they are. Arguably even making them worse by Sundering).

So Athena takes her duty to the star way too far, Lahabrea sees that she's become a danger to the star for it, and kills her, then cuts off the Hephiastos side of himself - another example of how ruthless the Ancients can be and how they justify anything for the sake of the star. Because the Ancients also place a low importance on emotion, he never talks to Erichthonios about Athena. Feeling neglected by his father and curious about his mother, Erich is lead deeper into Pandaemonium and made even more vulnerable to Athena's manipulations. So even if it was one woman's madness that spawned the action in Pandae, the other flaws of Ancient society serve to perpetuate and exacerbate it.

It's also worse mentioning that for Pandae being a prison for dangerous creations, you actually fight more transformed Ancients and corrupted Warders than you do actual animals. As my brother put it in his own meta, Pandae isn't a case of "inmates running the asylum" as much as it is the power that the Warders wield over their creations corrupting them. Athena is indirectly behind the Warder's transformations, but she also took advantage of vulnerabilities that were already there, like Hesperos's fixation on Lahabrea.

And the same obsession with perfect creations for the sake of the star, the abuse of the power over life and death, continues to characterize the Ancients after the Sundering, with the way Emet and the Ascians ruthlessly Rejoin Shards in order to bring back their "perfect" world. But what Elpis and Pandaemonium prove is that the idea of the Ancient world as a paradise is little more than Emet's grief and nostalgia talking. Hermes may have triggered the Final Days, but I feel the blame for destroying "paradise" doesn't lie entirely on him - his crisis was layered on top of myriad flaws with the world he lived in, flaws he felt he didn't have the freedom to talk about because everyone else believed the world was perfect.

Any world where people can't question the foundation of their society is very far from perfect. A world where people ruthlessly wield power over others, both creations and other people, in favor of a grand goal is no paradise. A world in which prisons exist is no paradise.

If my tone started to sound a bit vengeful there, it's because I sympathize deeply with Hermes, and can't help but feel a bit vindicated on his behalf when I think that Pandaemonium proves him right and Emet-selch wrong. But even after I've spent all this time tearing into the Ancient world, I feel like I have to remind both myself and any readers that the point of the conflict between the Ancient and Sundered world in FF14 isn't to objectively compare them and decide which is better and which is worse. Such pragmatism would be in-character for an Ancient, but we don't have to subscribe to their views. Think about it - even if the Ancient world was proven to be a true paradise, we'd still choose our broken world over it, because returning would cost too many lives, and because we love our world not because it is perfect but because it is ours.

The choice is just made a little easier by all this proof that their world was never as perfect as they said it was.

#ff14 #ffxiv #ffxiv hermes #pandaemonium #endwalker #ffxiv meta #endwalker spoilers #meta posting on my art blog #Fandaniel was right we do live in a society

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emmaiooo · 2 years

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realization pt.2 ; freedom

Soooo my friends told me to write another part yay so here ya go!

After leaving the inazuma docks, you sat on the edge of the ship, looking at the beautiful purple sky. (IT'S PURPLE, U CAN'T TELL ME NO.”) “good evening y/n. How are you?” Kazuha said lightly. “Oh hi kazuha! Good evening to you too, I'm doing well.” you said, a bit startled by his sudden appearance behind you. “y/n, you can tell me everything. I know that divorce with kamisato ayato hurt you very much.” he said calmly, sitting beside you on the edge of the ship. “Fine..it's just, i feel bad. He looked very sad when I told him to sign the divorce papers. Maybe he still loved me..i don't know.” you looked at the water, sighing. “Well, if you stay with me and travel with me, maybe we will get a chance to go back to Inazuma to visit.” he said, smiling. You were kinda shocked by his words, was he making a move on you? “Haha, I'll think about it, kazuha. Thank you for the offer.” you smiled at him, that made you feel a bit better.

It was dinner time at the crux, beidou came in with big jugs of beer and the whole crew cheered. “Wooo! Captain Beidou got the beer!!” everyone cheered in the room except for you and kazuha, you guys tend to be the quiet ones. “y/n! Kazuha!” beidou shouted, “you want a cup? We have a lot of beer today.” She handed you one and a kazuha one. “Thank you captain beidou.” both of you said, taking the beer into your hands. “Uh-this looks like very strong wine..” you pointed to the cup. “Haha, look y/n are scared to drink!” The crew members laughed. “y/n don’t tell me that you never drank before!” beidou pat you on the back, it was very hard. You did drink sake in a meeting with ayato, but it was never much. “N-no all i drank was some light alcohol.” you said taking a sip from the cup. “It’s ok y/n, if it's too much for you, i can help you drink it.” kazuha offered. That made you blush. “Ah- its ok kazuha you don't have to-” “kazuha has a high alcohol tolerance you know?” beidou cut you off, “i trained him with many drinking contests!” beidou laughed walking away. You looked at kazuha, drinking his cup and turning around to smile at you. You gulped and drank the alcohol.

“H-hey i want a-another cup!” you slurred at beidou, this was your 5th cup. “Ooo seems like y/n is drunk!” beidou laughed, about to give you another cup. Kazuha took the cup and put it on the table. “Oh?” Beidou looked confused but amused. “Y/n, you are drunk. We should get you sober first.” Kazuha took your arm and brought you up. “huh? wha-wait!” KAZUHA dragged you to his room. (Yes he did drag you. And yes. He did drag you to his room.) “y/n I told you, if you can’t handle it you can give me the drink.” Kazuha scolded and handed you a glass of water. “s-sorry kazuha I thought I could handle it…” you looked down at your feet, drinking the water, embarrassed. “Ugh y/n what am i going to do with you…” kazuha sighed. You don’t get it, why was he so angry because you drank a few cups of beer? “Why are u mad kazuha? I don’t get why you care so much about me…” you said silently. You were just about to look up at him when he pulled you in a kiss. He pulled back, “this is why. y/n i love you.” he said sincerely, looking you in the eye. You blushed, “i-oh-uhm..” you were speechless, you couldn’t think of anything to say, so instead you pulled kazuha into another kiss to try to explain your feelings. (let your imagination fly high)

The next day, you arrived at the Liyue docks. “This is as far as I can take you y/n, you know, the offer kazuha said to you is still up.” beidou said, dropping the anchor into the water. “Oh-uhm no it’s fine. Thank you Beidou for taking me here.” you said weakly, you still was in a hangover from all the alcohol you drunk. You thought of the kiss last night, thank god you didn’t forget the kiss..it was so important to you. You started to walk into the big city when a hand pulled you back. “y/n..don’t tell me you're going to leave me after that kiss. Do you even like me..?” he said looking deep into your eyes. He looked sad, something that you felt too much before. “I-i have to kazuha, to start a new free life.” you said, pushing away his hand on your arm. “y/n, being a wanderer is being free. You get to experience many more things than just living in a city.” Kazuha tried to persuade you. “Kazuha i-” “y/n, i love you. Please, I want to stay with you my whole life.” kazuha took your hand, “we can go explore everywhere and explore every corner of teyat.” you thought about this, you do like kazuha and being with him makes you feel free. “Ok..but won’t I drag you down because I'm visionless and powerless?” you thought about that time with ayato, how he gave you a package for you to protect. “No y/n, because unlike ayato, I will think everything thoroughly and protect you.” he said, kneeling down. (OOO LA LA) “please y/n.” he pleaded. “Ok fine..but you have to teach me some skills!” you took his hands and brought it up.

The next few weeks you and kazuha trained together in the plains of liyue. Kazuha taught you many things, things that ayato never did and never will. “Let’s stop for today y/n, we practiced enough.

You sat on a rock, waiting for kazuha to bring back some fruits. “y/n,” he sat next to you and gave you a fruit. “Isn’t the sunset pretty?” you said pointing to the orange sky. “Not as beautiful as you y/n.” he said wiping off some fruit on your face. (yes u can get fruit on your face.) Both of you sat there, holding hands looking at the sunset. “I love you kazuha.” you said quietly. “Me too.” he said in a whisper.

#kazuha #kazuha x reader #genshin x reader angst #genshin x reader #Genshin #i cant spell kazuha’s name #yummy angst #love so pure #HELP LMFAO

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thefirstknife · 9 months

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Interesting info from today's TWAB (it will never be TWID to me) about the Veil Log quest!

Veil Containment will continue being unlocked for the remaining three weeks of Season 21, and additional entries will unlock at the start of Season 22 and Season 23.

We have three more entries until the end of the season and then two more: 1 at the start of season 22 and 1 at the start of season 23. That will be a super painful wait. I can't imagine what this last entry could possibly be that it would be such a delayed tease.

The narrative team also acknowledged that they made the quest a little too secretive by trying to turn it into something players would have discover for themselves:

Narrative Team: The Veil Containment repeatable activity continues to tell the story of Neomuna’s history with the Veil as introduced in Lightfall. If you haven’t checked in with Osiris and Nimbus yet, you might not be alone. In wanting Veil Containment to be something discoverable, we went a little too far in one direction and made the activity hard to find, even for the lore-hounds interested in digging more into the Veil. (A lesson learned for any future content of this sort!)

And the rest of the stuff on the quest is soooo juicy and I believe they nailed the vibe they intended perfectly.

Writing the story of Veil Containment was an opportunity to dig into the cosmic horror side of Destiny. Creating the encrypted records of Ishtar Scientist Chioma Esi as she and her wife researched an alien force was a chance to bring the essence of things like the SCP Foundation and creepy podcasts like the Magnus Archives into Destiny.

Movies like Altered States and 2001 a Space Odyssey helped inform the tone of the messages you uncovered, all of which are underlined by the emotional story of Chioma Esi and Maya Sundaresh’s lives unraveling in the aftermath of the Collapse and their contact with the Veil. We’ve even seen some keen-eyed players noticing similarities between what Maya attempts with the Veil to what the Witness did in sacrificing its own people, and even what Calus did with the Crown of Sorrows and a pack of Scorn. Those threads and thematic recurrence are intentional guidelines anchoring us to related moments in the past, and help the curious delve into the deeper lore armed with a fistful of useful citations.

The bolded bit is really good! It's something that we've been discussing a lot. I haven't directly mentioned Presage much recently, but it's been on my mind too and I'm super excited to revisit it next season when it returns.

Another source of inspiration during the creation of Veil Containment was the relation between an outside observer and the concept of the Winnower mentioned in the Books of Sorrow. We wanted to explore the relationships people experience to cosmic, otherworldly forces beyond their understanding and how it tears both their own moral foundations and sense of self apart at the seams. As we’ve discovered with Osiris and Nimbus over the past few weeks, the Veil is a cosmic collective consciousness, a psychic network that spreads like a mycelial network through the universe. There’s intentional visual and thematic connections to Egregore there. But also, an allusion to the famous scene in Lord of the Rings where Gandalf warns Saruman about using the Palantir. “You don’t know who else may be watching.”

I assume it should say "Unveiling" instead of Books of Sorrow. Other than that, this is absolutely my fave. That last line gave me legitimate chills. The connections with egregore are important as well and I'm sure we'll get more mentions of that in the future. Again, Presage was our first real exposure to egregore so I'm happy to return next season. Technically, our first exposure to egregore was the Derelict, Drifter's ship, but it wasn't until Presage that egregore was identified and named (and deliberately connected to the same entity that we've previously seen on the Derelict). Really good summary of egregore lore if you want to dig a little! Also throwback to the (I think) first time I mentioned the explanation for egregore, back in February 2021 when Presage was hot off the press. Actually staggering to me right now that this was 2 years before Lightfall's heavy theme of collective consciousness and merging of minds and they already dropped hints to it back then. Wild stuff. Also take a look at Bungie's dive into making Presage (spoilers obviously for those that never played it).

Capturing that sense of foreboding unknown is a staple of cosmic horror. The moment where you realize that your role in the universe is a small one, that the universe itself may be uncaring, and things lurk in it that you have been blissfully unaware of. As our cast is pushed through these harrowing experiences, it also sets the stage for the future in The Final Shape and beyond.

So true bestie. I am absolutely thriving with this lore and development. Cosmic horror is literally the only thing that matters to me and the sheer scale of how this is presented in Destiny with the Veil, Veil Logs, the Witness and its origins and everything around that has been the best thing in Destiny lore for me tbh. I've always been most interested in researching Darkness and this exploration of it as a cosmic force of consciousness that drives people to incomprehensible actions and spreads like a mycelium network is an absolute blast.

#destiny 2 #the veil #veil log #egregore #presage mission #long post #seriously can't wait to play presage again #that is quite literally and with no exaggeration my favourite thing I've ever experienced in destiny #if you haven't done it and don't know much about it wait and go into it blind #the similarities between presage and veil logs and the connecting threads between them are soooo good

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aihoshiino · 2 months

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I’m curious as to what your opinions are on the ships in ONK. I’m guessing you’re not an Aquaruby fan (neither am I) but what do you think of Aquakana? Or any other ships in ONK! Personally my favorite is Ai x Happiness :)

AI X HAPPINESS IS THE ONLY OSHI NO OTP THAT MATTERS YOU'RE SOOOO RIGHT ANON

Out of the "official" OnK ships tho, you're right in that I don't really care for AquRuby, at least as presented in the text. It was never going to be a ship I was on board with since I'm just too exhausted with anime being the way it is about sibling incest to even pretend to take it seriously but the manga itself also seems to have the same attitude. Since 123, Ruby's feelings for Aqua have mainly been treated as a joke that relies on having Ruby act out a caricature of an archetype that was ALREADY shallow and dated in the 2010s lmao. I think Ruby -> Aqua would at least be interesting to read about if the story was actually willing to take her seriously and properly examine her feelings in a way that feels consistent with her character and to actually dig into the reality of a person developing incestuous feelings in a society that condemns incest rather than using her as a gag prop. I care less about it being incest and more about it being badly written incest basically LOL

AquAka I think it's interesting on paper and there's a lot of elements to it I think are really neat to chew on in discussions and character analysis but as a ship, it doesn't really work for me in execution. Part of it is that I don't really like how Aka handled most of Akane's stuff post TB and most of it is just that the majority of their "real" relationship happens like... offscreen, in a time skip? So there was no real time to get attached to their dynamic as a real couple and I'm the kind of person who mostly gets invested in ships based on the strength of their moment to moment banter and rapport. AquAka have a lot of big, dramatic moments but I didn't feel like they quite had the necessary downtime rapport to serve as the connecting tissue that would've made it land.

It also doesn't help that I feel like, a lot of what *I* think is interesting about AquAka is really not what the fandom sees in it LOL So it's really hard to discuss the elements I like without people getting Genuinely Angry At Me for daring to say the relationship is unhealthy or that both Aqua AND Akane completely fucked up and that's why it didn't pan out. That conflict and tension and the simmering undercurrent of codependence and toxicity that both of them unintentionally brought to the relationship is sooooooo fascinating but I feel like so many people actively talking about AquAka just kind of ignore that and treat it as an entirely wholesome, uncomplicatedly good relationship and Akane as completely flawless within its context. I think that's both unfair to Akane and kind of boring but I've also really drifted away from the question here, huh...

Anyway! AquKana is the 'canon' OnK ship I like the most by far! I wouldn't say I'm like Actively Shipping It in the sense that I go out of my way to seek out fanworks about it, but I think they're cute together and I like them, especially in the anime - I've said before it was the adaptation that made me actively a fan of Kana and that goes for AquKana, too. Like I said up there, a couple's moment to moment banter and dynamic is really important to me and that's a big part of the AquKana appeal to me. I really like the way they bounce off each other and I particularly enjoy the way Kana encourages Aqua to be a better version of himself - not necessarily in an "I can fix him" way but in that his friendship with Kana encourages him to be better out of respect and fondness for her. Kana serves as a sort of window into life as a normal boy for Aqua, with no revenge or ulterior motives, and in that space a lot of Aqua's worst traits that are exacerbated by trauma get softened and filtered through a kinder lens. I also really love the ways Aqua's support helps to uplift and encourage Kana to do her best - she was such a lonely person for so long, seeing the way she glows once she has someone to shine for is so sweet.

I definitely don't feel as strongly about it now as I did coming right off the anime because it's been pretty out of focus for a while... Honestly, come to think of it, I think that's part of why AquAka didn't really hook me at all. It's hard to get invested in something that's making a character you already liked more feel so bad LOL

Circling back to Ai, though... Ougghh it really does kill me there's no straightforwardly lovey dovey ships for her in OnK. I'm a lifeform that draws sustenance from seeing my faves getting loved and doted on, especially when they're someone as starved for love as Ai... don't get me wrong, I love KamiAi and AiNino because yandere love is pure love but sometimes I just want to see nice things happen to her...!!!

Anyway this is the part where I pull out my License To Be Cringe And Free and admit that I do have a whole bunch of crosscanon OTPs for Ai that I've written with friends LOL Honestly I do feel very spoiled with how many I've gotten to write and how good they've been... I've even commissioned some art here and there. So if you're ever on an internet walk and stumble across a piece of art that makes you go "hold on, why is Ai holding hands with Rinne Amagi from EnStars" or something, you have this bitch to thank!!!

#oshi no ko #oshi no posting #onk asks #onk spoilers

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on-a-quest · 5 months

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Roddacember 2023 - 11: Courage

"Fearing, you climbed the mountain. Fearing, you faced its dangers. And fearing, you went on. That is real bravery, Rowan. Only fools do not fear."

Rowan of Rin was such an important book for me as a kid, and still is. I've always been an anxious, sensitive, more introverted person. I was an anxious, sensitive and shy kid, as far back as I can remember. I've always had a lot of worries and fear. Always felt my emotions very strongly. And I've never been the most outgoing and social person, preferring the quiet and calm and time to myself. I've often struggled to fit in properly, to feel like I truly belonged somewhere, especially when surrounded by people who are the polar opposite of me. Much like Rowan. At times in my life, this has left me feeling rather alone.

Reading the book for the first time, I related to Rowan so strongly. Something the book does that I love soooo much is the way it reframes and redefines what we typically consider bravery and a hero. It shows us what it truly means to be brave, that being brave doesn't mean you're not afraid of anything, rather it means that you keep going despite your fears, as Rowan did. It made me realise that having so many fears didn't mean that I wasn't brave, rather that, in so many little ways, I actually was being brave more often than I realised.

Something else I love about Rowan of Rin is the fact that Rowan doesn't change who he is. The story isn’t one of "scared kid learns how not to be scared anymore" or "quiet kid becomes loud", which is often the trajectory and character development in narratives like this. Rowan's fear doesn't completely disappear after the first book. He doesn't suddenly become outgoing. He doesn't lose his sensitive nature and caring heart. No, all those things are still very much a part of him. He simply realises that he is capable of more than he realised, that despite what people in the village thought of him, he actually was as valuable as everyone else, he did have purpose, he wasn't useless or a burden. In fact, the qualities people looked down on him for were the very qualities that would make him a hero in the end. Rowan would not have succeeded in his quest had he not had any fear, or if he wasn't sensitive and gentle, if he was loud and boisterous rather than quieter and attentive to others, if he didn't spend his days nurturing and caring for the animals. This makes for a much more meaningful story in my opinion, an excellent reminder that no one has to go through the transition of "scared kid learns how not to be scared anymore" or "quiet kid becomes loud" to be of value and purpose. Nobody. You don't have to be loud and have no fear - that doesn't have to be your end goal for personal growth or whatever. Who you are the and traits you have are your own unique gifts and skills.

"Only fools do not fear" is also a great quote to remind people that, yes, it actually IS stupid to not be afraid of anything at all. We feel fear for a reason. If we didn't, we would put ourselves in dangerous situations without proper respect for those risks and what could happen.

The lessons in Rowan of Rin have stayed with me since reading it as a child. When I am afraid and anxious, when others suggest that I am less than for the way I am and should change, when I feel different to those around me and run the risk of feeling inferior because it, I think of Rowan. This book will always hold a special place in my heart and I am forever thankful to Emily Rodda for writing it.

#rowan of rin #emily rodda #roddacember #roddacember 2023

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darkworkcourier · 6 months

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Hi! I’m not sure if you accept request. if so, can I request HC/Fic of all TF141 when Dr Adler finally caught them for health check-up?

If you’re not, then its okay :3 ty!! 🫶🏻

this is many eons late, but i'm already procrastinating my nanowrimo project soooo adler time!

this is just soap's visit for now to see if i like this style. :D

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Patient Name: John MacTavish Callsign: Soap Rank: Sergeant D.O.B.: Redacted Heart Rate: 64 BPM Blood Pressure: 118/70

Visit Notes: Mr. MacTavish was hesitant to attend his appointment this afternoon and repeatedly asked for sedatives or alcoholic beverages in order to, quote, "cope". I informed Mr. MacTavish that sedation was not required and further illustrated the detrimental effects of alcohol on the body and brain, especially given his role in dealing with explosives and heavy machinery. Mr. MacTavish tried several excuses to leave the appointment, all of which could easily be proven false.

Given the gap between Mr. MacTavish's medical examinations, I've ordered blood work and a urine specimen lab. Despite a perfectly average blood pressure reading, I believe Mr. MacTavish may have high sodium levels given the amount of salted snacks I've personally witnessed him consuming. He agreed to the lab work, albeit with more hesitation. I have assured him several times that I have ample training in phlebotomy, but this did not seem to boost his confidence.

For his personal history questionnaire, Mr. MacTavish has family history of hypertension on his mother's side and heart disease on his father's side. His surgical history is noted in the attached file. He described his sexual activity as, "constant" and "mindblowing", to which I replied that I simply needed to know if he was sexually active and if he had several partners. He replied, after some goading, that he only had one partner as of the current date. He appeared distressed while I explained to him the importance of safe sexual activity and the potential risks of fluid exchange. After the explanation, he pleaded, quote, "Please never say any of those words to me, in that order, ever again." I told him that I trusted that, as a healthy adult, he would make good choices.

I informed Mr. MacTavish that, given his age, we would need to schedule a colonoscopy as part of routine health screenings consistent with the demands of the task force's medical plan. After some protest on Mr. MacTavish's part, I gave him a copy of Form 1723 which outlines the expectations of medical staff and the responsibilities of all personnel. However, after explaining that he would be given anaesthesia, and, quote, "the really good drugs", Mr. MacTavish seemed far more accepting of the procedure. I have added his appointment time to the calendar, and have made a note to ask other personnel for assistance in assuring that Mr. MacTavish attends the appointment.

#cod: mw2 #oc: doctor leonie adler #john soap mactavish

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ilovecupcakesandtea · 1 year

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Pairing: Steve Harrington/Eddie Munson Rating: NSFW 18+ Summary: Revelations and deep conversations a plenty....buckle up its about to get heavy. Word Count: 5,958 Warnings: Alcohol consumption. Commentary: Fun fact less than 18 hours ago this had no title and hadn't been proofread despite having been finished for almost a week....and yet chapter 5 is already done ready for next week! Thank you to @slipperygiraff for being amazing <3

Part One Part two Part three Part five Part six

"So of all the tattoo studios in Indy, Harrington happens to walk into yours at the one point you're there on your own?" Gareth asks standing in front of the open window, taking a cigarette from Eddie.

"Yeah, just strolls right in. Luckily I had no appointments booked after so I could close up straight after I'd finished his ink." Eddie replied, smoking his own cigarette standing by the window next to Gareth.

"And how was seeing him again? Can't have been easy, surely?" The younger guy asked cautiously.

"It was weird man, he looks totally different, all punked out. He looks so good Gare, his hair is pink! Sides of it shaved, ripped black jeans, piercings. He got a fricking tattoo of a bat with nails in it, so metal." Eddie sighed remembering how good Steve had looked casually lying there being tattooed.

"Calm down before you pop a boner in front of me, not done that since you we're like 13." Gareth laughed. "So did he ask why you left and did you tell him about J?" he asked softer.

"Yeah he asked, I explained. Told him I needed out. Yeah he knows about J, they brought us over a couple drinks just after he told me he isn't straight"

"I'm sorry what?!" Gareth coughed a lung full of smoke out in surprise. "Steve Harrington, THE Steve Harrington, ladies man Steve Harrington, King Steve. is gay?"

"He never out right said gay, just said he was far from straight is all." Eddie shrugged.

"Man what are you going to do?" Gareth asked after a few minutes of silence.

"No idea" Eddie whispered as he dragged a hand down his face and stumped his cigarette out.

There was a banging on Steve's door, just having made it downstairs when the banging began. He walked over and opened the door to find Robin, still in her PJs, who pushed past him as soon as the door was open enough.

"You gonna tell me what was soooo important you couldn't tell me over the phone?" Robin demanded as she started looking through his fridge.

"I got us food already. Let's take it to the coffee table and I promise to tell you everything." He said as he started handing her some of the junk food he had picked up on his way home the night before.

Once all the food was laid out, they sat on the couch, legs crossed, facing each other.

"Well go on then!" Robin demanded, mouth full of cheese puffs.

"Well when I was walking to the show the other night I passed a tattoo shop so I went in late the next afternoon and you'll never…" he was interrupted by Robin grabbing his left hand, pulling it close to inspect his tattoo.

"You got a tattoo!" She screamed so loud he was sure the neighbors could have heard her. "Wait, is that a robin on your bat? It's even got a little Scoops hat! Aw, Steve!" Robin beamed, pulling him in close for a hug and probably getting cheese dust all over the back of his shirt.

"You'll never guess who it was that did it."

"It's too early for this and you didn't even make us coffee. You know I came over as soon as I woke up. Please don't actually make me guess." She sighed, shoving another cheese puff in her mouth.

"It was Eddie." He watched as Robin's face slowly turned to shock and her mouth fell open, half chewed cheese puff visible. "Robs, gross. Come on. I get it but I don't really wanna see that ok?" He commented, reaching out a hand to her jaw and pushing it closed.

"You're fucking joking right now! Holy shit! Ok and? Did you tell him how you feel? Is that why you got home so late?" Steve was very thankful that she had at least finished her food before speaking this time.

"No Robin I didn't. I just couldn't. He did offer to explain over drinks. As much as him leaving hurt, I can't say I blame him. He wouldn't have had much of a life here besides us."

"That may be true but he still could have said something or left a note. Anything."

"I know. He apologized though. It sucks but I can forgive him."

"And you didn't tell him how you feel about him, why?"

"Because he's got someone now." He confessed, looking away from her to grab his bag of twizzlers.

"I'm sorry." Robin whispered, putting her hand on his and giving a comforting squeeze.

"It's alright. I shouldn't have waited to try and talk to him but he seems happy so that's good enough for me. I did get to meet them while we were at the bar. They were really nice. That's what he deserves, someone that treats him right."

"They?" Robin asked.

"Yes!" Steve could feel himself perking up a bit with the conversation heading in that direction. "I didn't know that was a possibility. Apparently people use they them as gender neutral pronouns. J was also telling me about how they're genderqueer, said sometimes they feel like a woman, sometimes a man, and sometimes neither. I didn't even know that was a possibility, Robin!"

"Hmm, no, I didn't either." She mumbled around the cookie she'd grabbed, giving him a look that told him she was reading beyond what he was saying. Robin was good at that, knowing things that were in the back of his mind before he even acknowledged them. She just continued eating the cookies, choosing to let him get there on his own this time.

Steve was not having an easy time processing everything that happened. Seeing Eddie again had just set him back. He'd started getting to a better place,really, but well now it was right back to square one. As if that wasn't enough, he had to go and find out about people being genderqueer, which was currently making him question so much about himself. Could life just go easy on him for once? One crisis at a time would be nice but of course that could never be his luck.

Talking to Robin helped a little but there was only so much she could help. So Steve had decided to go for a little piercing therapy, getting the middle of his lip and nipples done. Robin had just rolled her eyes at him. She couldn't really be too mad at him, at least he'd taken her advice and gone to a professional instead of trying to do it himself again.

The new piercings had helped for a bit, Steve was at least able to push Eddie far enough back in his mind to at least focus on the other crisis at hand. Could genderqueer fit some of the things he'd been feeling? Could he be? So many thoughts about things he was starting to look back on and notice. He really needed to talk to someone about this. For once Robin wasn't the answer but he knew who was.

"Hello, J speaking, if you're trying to sell me something just hang up now" J answered the ringing phone with a sigh.

"Hey, it's Steve. I'm not bothering you at a bad time am I?"

"Hey you!! No not at all! I'm completely free. How can I help? Everything ok?" A cheery tone now in J's voice.

"Alright as it can be. I've been thinking a lot about the last time we talked. I know you said I could call but it's ok if you changed your mind or don't want to talk about it anymore." Steve couldn't help but be a little nervous. He'd really needed someone to talk to and sure J had said he could call but that didn't mean he didn't feel like he was bothering them.

"Oh love, not at all. How is it I can help?" J asked, getting comfortable on the couch.

"I was wondering if you'd be willing to tell me how you figured it out? What helped you?" What if he was asking questions that were too personal? He'd only just met J and they hadn't talked much.

"How I figured out I was genderqueer you mean? Well I never thought I fitted the standard mold of a female, even from a young age. Dolls and barbies were never my thing all the time, but sometimes they really were. Sometimes pretty flowing dresses felt right and other times I'd rather have clawed my own skin off than wear one. But I also never really fit the mold of male either. Some days jeans and a t-shirt were what felt right and doing 'boy things' was amazing and other days that didn't feel right either. I spoke to an older friend a few years ago about it, tried one of their binders on and sat and cried in the mirror. Everything started to fit into place at that point." It took Steve a minute to process all J had said, thinking about how some of that fit his own feelings.

"That uh… that makes a lot of sense actually. I just have been going through a lot lately and never knew to think about it that way. Guess I've just been really thinking about if maybe that could fit me too. I was so different in high school and I've been trying to work on myself, just be a better person and find myself outside of trying to make others like me. Getting there little by little, more so these last couple of months. It seems the more I work on the more things I find hidden underneath. Trying to find my own style, without my parents' input, did make a big difference but something still feels missing.”

“My best friend Robin has been helping a bit. Helping me accept that there are days that I just want to feel pretty. I didn't really know what to do with that or what to think about it until I met you. Looking back on my life and after what you've said I've noticed some things. Made me think about how easily I fit in with a group of girl friends, and liked it. How easily I also got on with a group of guy friends and how sometimes one would feel more right than the other. I remembered being confused as to why toys were gendered, I just wanted to play with them all.”

“I've noticed how on days that I just want to feel pretty, being referred to as a man just doesn't feel right. It felt so good when Robin helped me with my hair and told me how pretty I looked. I guess it's just that days where I'm ok with being referred to as a man make me doubt those other days where I'm not. It's been a lot to try and process and shit, it's confusing." Steve took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that had started to fall down his cheeks. Robin must be rubbing off on him for him to ramble that much. How it was so easy to just open up like that to someone who was practically a stranger he wasn't sure but fuck if it didn't feel good to have someone to open up to.

"First of all I'm so proud of you for working on yourself, that shit takes guts. Secondly you absolutely do not need to figure it all out at once, fuck, if you ever get it all figured out give me the key! I'm still trying to figure it out years later. I can talk to you about this all day everyday, I could introduce you to a load of people that are also genderqueer or just don't care what section of the shop they buy their clothes from, but it's different for everyone. I remember convincing myself I was lying the first day I wanted to wear a dress once I'd become comfortable enough to be who you see now. I woke up that morning and wanted to wear a dress and wear makeup and heels but I'd spent so many days previously feeling more masc or neither that I felt so ashamed of myself for wanting to wear a dress, I phoned a good friend and they reminded me that more fem days we're just part of the spectrum of my gender. That I wasn't lying to myself or anyone."

"That's really helpful. I'll have to try to remember that. I'm sure if I explained it all to Robin she'd gladly give me a good slap to set me straight when needed. I think maybe that might fit me, genderqueer. I'm just not sure how I can, I guess kinda test that theory."

"If you think Robin can help then it might be worth looping them in. As for testing things, does Robin maybe have something you could borrow when you feel like, as you describe it, want to feel pretty? See how it feels when you wear something pretty and feminine when you feel like doing so? Maybe try a little bit of makeup on one of those days as well, some lipgloss and some mascara if you don't want to go all the way at first. Something else you can do to test it, is to ask those you're ok with knowing to refer to you as they or them all the time. Or trying asking to be referred to by whichever pronoun fits your day and see if that feels better or worse than they them. I personally change based on the day so she her on a fem day, he him on a masc day and they them on a neither day, but I have a friend that always uses they them. Do what you're comfortable with and tell who you want to tell and what you want them to know."

"I'll give that a shot. Thank you so much. You have no idea how helpful this has already been. So many thoughts and feelings I didn't know what to do with but now I do. I appreciate this!"

"No need to thank me, I'm here for as many of these chats as is needed, or just any chat if that's what you'd like. You're also always welcome in Indy at the bar or at any of the clubs we go to. That reminds me! We're off to a gig in a few weeks! You and Robin should come, you'll love it. I can't remember the details off hand but I'll make sure you get them really soon!" J rushed excitedly.

"I'd love to! I'll have to ask Robin later but I'm sure I can convince her. Just give me a call with the details when you've got them. I'm sure we'll be able to make it work. Oh shit, speaking of work I have a shift to go get ready for. Thanks again, really."

"Yeah same here. Have a good shift love, speak soon." J says cheerily hanging up the phone.

A hand was waving in front of his, no their face. A voice was coming from nearby too but they couldn't quite make out what it was saying. Steve shook their head to try and bring themselves out of it. They hadn't realized how long he'd been, shit no, they'd been zoning out again.

"Earth to Steve! Hello! Stevie!" Robin was slowly raising her voice with every word. They were supposed to be putting returns away but had apparently frozen in place, tape raised half way to where it belonged.

"Fuck. Sorry Robs. I just have a lot on my mind lately. Did you need something?" They asked, giving Robin an apologetic smile.

"No, you just froze. You can't do that man!" Steve must have made a face with the way Robin was looking at them, eyebrows raised in confusion. They weren't very good at hiding their emotions from their face.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you."

"Alright then, spill it. What's going on in that head of yours? Is it Eddie again?"

"No, not at all actually. Look, we're supposed to lock the doors in ten minutes. What Keith doesn't know won't hurt him. You go ahead and lock up while I put the last of these returns away and then I promise to tell you all about it."

"Fine. You better be quick with those then!" Robin yelled over her shoulder as she made her way towards the door.

"Remember me telling you about J?" Steve asked, pushing the return cart back to the counter so they wouldn't have to look at her. This wasn't going to be as easy as the conversation with J had been. Explaining something like this to someone who didn't already have some knowledge when they were just figuring it out themselves was going to be difficult.

"Do we need to sit down? Steal some of the candy from the counter? It seems like we should get comfortable for this. But yes, I remember you telling me about them." She replied as she hopped up to sit on the counter, Steve doing the same and grabbing a bag of M&Ms for each of them.

"Well I had a long chat with them on the phone a couple of days ago."

"Steve, why are you calling your crush's current partner? I know you said they seemed nice and all but doesn't that feel a little weird for you?"

"I know how it sounds but it's got nothing to do with Eddie. I've never met anyone like them before so I didn't really have anyone else that I could have called. Remember me telling you about them being genderqueer?" They asked, not looking at Robin again. They couldn't look at her. Didn't want her to read them before they said anything like she always did.

"I remember. Hey Stevie, look at me." Robin said softly while placing a hand on Steve's shoulder, waiting for them to look before she continued. "Whatever it is you can tell me. I can tell this is difficult for you but I promise that whatever it is I'm still going to be here for you. You can't get rid of me that easy."

"Well what if I told you that I think I might be like that too? Since I met them I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. Wondering if maybe I was like them. I've dug out some things I shoved to the back of my mind and looking at it that way, well it's all starting to make sense." He, fuck not again. This was going to take some getting used to but they had to admit that they were liking the sound of it. They were struggling to still look at Robin. Crying on the phone, even a little, with J had been enough. They were going to try not to cry again now but that wouldn’t be so easy while looking at Robin.

“Steve, of course that’s not even a problem.” Robin reassured as she pulled them into a crushing hug.

“Really?” Steve asked, already sniffling. Their goal of not crying already long gone. After a reassuring squeeze from Robin, they did their best to give her a summarized version of the conversation they had with J. Robin occasionally interrupting to ask questions.

“I’m really just glad that you’ve found something that’s giving you a better understanding of yourself. You said J gave you some suggestions for things that might help. Is there anything I can do?” She asked. How had they gotten so lucky that this was their best friend? Steve hadn’t even needed to ask for her help, she was just offering it willingly. Deep down they knew that this is how Robin would react but there was still that doubt that had lingered, trying to convince them otherwise.

“Um, could you maybe try using they them pronouns for me? It might be helpful to hear someone else use them instead of just in my own head.”

“Are you just picking the easier option?” There Robin goes again, reading Steve so easily. She knew they would pick whatever felt like it’d be easier for others instead of what they really wanted. “If you’d prefer different ones depending on how you’re feeling all you have to do is ask. I don’t mind, even if I have to ask you every day.”

Now Steve was really crying hard, awful noises and all. “Are you sure? You don’t have to.”

“You quit that shit right now. I’ll do whatever you tell me you prefer. None of that people pleasing nonsense alright? This isn’t about others. This is about you. What makes you happy. What makes you comfortable.”

“I’d really like that Robs. Thank you.” They admitted, taking a tissue from the box on the counter and wiping their face. There was still so much more they wanted to do to help them know if it truly fit but this was the first and most difficult step. They knew that as long as they had Robin, the rest would be easy.

Robin had been an even bigger help than ever imagined. She had brought over a couple clothing pieces that felt a little more feminine than something Steve would normally wear, trying to ease into it. Just like she promised, she checked in first thing every time she saw Steve to see what pronouns to use for the day. There had been a few times she’d been over to their house, makeup bag in hand, convincing Steve to at least try a little eyeliner too.

Even though Steve hadn’t been brave enough to wear any of it out of the house, besides the earrings Robin had given them, they had to admit that it was all really helpful. It was making them more confident. They no longer thought they might be genderqueer, they knew it now. Robin using different pronouns for them had been the biggest help so far. She’d taken to calling them Stevie on days that they’d felt more feminine and alternating between Steve and Stevie and days where they’d just felt more like they were somewhere in between.

She had been sitting on the couch in a skirt and top that Robin had picked up from a thrift store for her, having been talked into eyeliner too, when there was an obnoxious knocking at her door. They had just been talking about Stevie coming out to the kids. After nervously staring at each other, Robin had gotten up to answer the door. Of course it had been none other than the kids, like somehow they knew they were being talked about.

Robin had been trying to convince them to just leave when Stevie decided to yell to just let them in. Might as well have gone for it then and get it over with. Robin threatened the group that if they had been anything but kind and accepting then they could forget all their rides to the arcade, access to Stevie’s pool, and reminding them that she knew where they all slept at night before letting them in.

There were lots of questions as anticipated but after it was all said and done, the kids had been accepting. Forgetting the reason they’d all shown up in the first place, they ended up watching movies and ordering pizza.

“Come on Robin let’s go!” Stevie yelled from the front of Family Video. Robin had gone in the back for something she had forgotten.

“I can’t find it!” Robin yelled back as she left the back room.

“Can’t find what?”

“My bag with my change of clothes!” She sighed, throwing her arms up in the air.

“Robin, it’s in my car. Remember when I picked you up earlier you decided to leave it in the car so you wouldn’t forget it since we plan on getting ready at Eddie’s instead of here?” Stevie sighed, palm smacking her forehead.

“That’s right! Now let’s go!” Robin grabbed her arm and pulled her out of the door and to the car.

"Robin play nice ok?" Stevie asked as they got out of the car.

"I'm not making any promises." She answered, shrugging her shoulders.

"Come on! Please can we just try and have a good time?"

"We'll have a good time but I can't promise the same for him."

"Ugh, don't make me regret this." She said as she knocked on the door.

"Hey!! Come in come in!" J said cheerily when they answered the door. "You must be Robin, Steve's told me so much about you"

"Hi, it's nice to meet you. Stevie here has told me a good bit about you too."

"Let's go and get ready! This way!" J exclaimed, walking away.

After following J into another room, they started getting ready. Robin convinced Stevie to let her do her eyeliner but of course she wasn't done there. With a mischievous look on her face, Robin handed her a leather jacket.

"Hey, erm, Stevie." J said, uncharacteristically timid, "I've got you a little present. It's just a little something that I really found helps me and I thought they might help you too." J opened the drawer they were standing next to and handed Stevie a little paper package. Hesitantly opening the package, she found three bracelets, pink, purple, and blue.

"I have similar ones, I use them to tell those who know what kind of day I'm having." J explained showing Stevie and Robin their wrist to show a pink band. "It's subtle enough that it's not obvious if people don't know but it saves everyone asking if you prefer gender specific pronouns depending on the day. I also keep them with me in case I need to change it"

"These are perfect! We've been trying to think of something for that but never thought of this. Thank you!" Stevie exclaimed, throwing herself at J for a teary eyed hug.

"Sorry I didn't get you anything Robin but I wasn't sure what would be appropriate" J smiled sheepishly.

"You've obviously been a big help Stevie in a way I never could be. That's more than enough."

"I was hardly going to let her struggle with this without some guidance, but thank you, means a lot coming from her platonic soulmate as you're called" J beamed at Robin.

Eddie opened his front door and was immediately met with the sound of laughter. He stood and listened for a few seconds before gently closing the door and slipping his jacket and shoes off. Rushing into his bedroom he grabbed everything he needed for a shower and to get ready.

He was sitting in the living room 30 minutes later waiting for everyone to be ready so they could go. The guest bedroom door opened and J stepped out wearing a pair of really short shorts, a mesh top over a small tight vest top.

"Holy shit baby, you look amazing. Get over here I've missed you" Eddie said, making grabby hands in J's direction. "So beautiful" he whispered before bending down and meeting her lips in a kiss.

"Munson" Robin said from behind J causing Eddie to look up and look in her direction.

Standing next to Robin was Steve. Wearing a see through black blouse, with nipple piercings on show, that was something that Eddie couldn't think about too hard right now. Steve also wore a pair of red tartan pants with combat boots underneath, and a leather jacket, no no scrap that he was wearing Eddie's leather jacket. Did Steve know it was Eddies? He had too, right? Steve had chosen to wear a jacket that belonged to Eddie.

Eddie cleared his throat and dragged his eyes away from Steve "Buckley, Harrington. Good to see you both." he said, looking at Robin who looked far too amused for Eddie's liking.

"Hey J, could I talk to you for a second?" Robin asks, nodding her head to the side to hint at a private conversation.

"Yeah cause you can! What's up?!" J asked, leaning in close to the other girl.

"I just wanted to thank you for helping Stevie. I wouldn't have been able to help her with this so I'm glad she had someone to go to."

"I remember how difficult it was at first to figure it all out. You've been amazing and supportive as well, she's lucky to have you too" J replied hugging Robin.

"I'm just so proud of her. Making little steps forward. Look at her! She even let me do her eyeliner and she's never let me do that before when we're going somewhere."

"Erm I'm sorry, 'she'?" Eddie asked, surprised.

"Um, yeah about." Stevie says, rubbing the back of her neck and looking down.

"Look it's cool if you don't want to say" Eddie smiles.

"No. It's fine. It's just not a lot of people know right now so it's a little difficult still."

"Take your time, tell me whatever you want and leave out the bits you don't." Eddie encouraged.

"Well, I do kind of have you to thank for it. I never would have met J otherwise and without meeting them and their willingness to help, I don't think I ever really would have figured it out"

"She is pretty amazing," Eddie says, pulling J against himself.

"Well I uh, shit. This is harder than I thought it'd be."

"It's ok, you've got this" J smiles at Stevie encouragingly.

"Thanks to some advice from J and help from Robin, I've figured out that…" Stevie hesitates, trying to gather some courage.

Eddie notices Stevie's bracelet. "Oohhh! I think I get it. Steve, are you trying to tell me that you're genderqueer?" Eddie asks.

"Yeah. I am." Stevie whispers, not yet willing to really look at Eddie.

"Okay. Thank you for telling me. Is it okay to ask about your pronouns?" the metalhead questions softly.

"Yeah of course. Going with the day seems to be best. Which is why…" Stevie says, wiggling her wrist with the pink bracelet on towards Eddie.

"That's a great idea! I'll try my best to keep an eye on the bracelet and go with that. Is it they/them on a neither day? Just want to check." Eddie asks.

"Thank you. Yeah it is." Stevie finally looks at Eddie with a smile.

"Shall we head out then ladies? I'm a lucky man tonight! 3 beautiful ladies on my arm. Let's go!" Eddie exclaims, grabbing J's hand and heading towards the door.

The bar was already crowded when Eddie, J, Stevie and Robin walked in. They made their way to the bar and picked up a round of drinks before heading to the dance floor to watch the warm up band. They spent hours dancing with each other, laughing, joking and really enjoying the live music, getting slightly more drunk as the night went on.

"You want a drink sweetheart?" Eddie shouted, as to be heard, in Stevie's ear, causing her to turn. They were face to face, nose to nose pretty much and suddenly there was no one around. The crowded, loud, club that was filled with people dancing and music blasting was suddenly empty if you asked Eddie. He couldn't handle it. The proximity was too close. His hand on Stevie's waist felt like it was burning. The air was suffocating. He needed to get away from there as quickly as he could. So he did what, if you ask Eddie, he does best, he ran. Left his glass on the bar and ran outside and round the corner.

"Hey baby, you ok? Heard you ran out of there quickly," came the voice of J beside him. "everything ok?" She sounded worried. She shouldn't be worried. How does he explain the crisis he's having right now over someone he may possibly be in love with when his partner is right there. Eddie couldn't stomach it any longer, he turned away from J and threw up. All over the disgusting alleyway they stood in and broke down in tears.

"I'm going to head back in really quickly and let Robin and Stevie know we're heading back. I'll leave my key with Stevie so they can let themselves in when they're done." J said as she ran soothing circles down his back.

20 minutes later Eddie was tucked up in bed with a glass of water on his bedside table, pain killers next to it and an old washing up bowl on the floor. Looking at these things made everything so much worse. He did not deserve the person currently getting ready for bed in his bathroom. He lay awake for hours, long after J had fallen asleep next to him, her soft breathing normally soothing him but doing anything but tonight. Long after Robin and Stevie returned home and made far too much noise getting ready for bed, giggling and shushing each other. Long after he sobered up and the headache had started, he didn't take the painkillers next to him, he deserved the pain. He had no idea what to do. J was amazing, they got on so well and whilst they currently weren't serious, Eddie had a feeling it could definitely head that way.

Finally just after 8am Eddie got out of bed and threw on his comfiest clothes heading to the kitchen and to make coffee.

He was 2 cups in when J joined him in the living room.

"Wanna talk about it?" J asked, sitting next to Eddie on the couch.

"I don't know what you mean, I just couldn't sleep. Maybe too much sugar in my mixers, I don't know, I'm ok, go back to bed. We'll all head out to breakfast when everyone is up again." He replied, trying his best to smile.

"Eddie, I'm not stupid, please don't treat me as such." came the reply.

"Sorry, you're right." He whispered, slipping his arm around J and pulling her into him, kissing her temple.

"Does your weird behaviour recently, and especially last night, have anything to do with that hunk of a brunette sleeping in the guest room?" J asked, slipping their arm around him and kissing his cheek.

"Yeah," Eddie confessed.

"Thank you for telling me. Steve is amazing. They'll be lucky to have you."

"What?!" Eddie questioned, shocked.

"Eddie, I've already reminded you once I'm not stupid. I've seen the way Stevie looks at you and I've seen the way you look at them. You were stripping them with your eyes last night when they stepped out of the guest room ready to go out. Stevie’s eyes followed you all around the gig last night, and they'll probably kill me if you say anything but I'm almost certain I saw them sniff your jacket when they put it on. You two have a connection. I don't know what happend before you left Hawkins but it connected you two." J replied, smiling up at Eddie.

"What are you saying?" Eddie asked. Both not wanting the answer but really wanting to know at the same time.

"I'm saying you need to go and get your person. Eddie, me and you were meant to be, but not meant to last. I will always cherish our time together and you're absolutely never getting rid of me but that shit" J said gesturing between Eddie and the guest room. "is true love."

"I love you J. So fucking much" Eddie replied wetly wiping his tears away.

"I know" J responded before the door down the hall opened and a very sleepy looking Robin emerged.

#eddie munson #steve harrington #stranger things #steddie #steddie fic #steve x eddie #eddie x steve #robin buckley

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