#but lol that’s like the one thing i actually AM a little bit qualified to talk about

[compacflt]

I have an anecdote about when I worked for a company and a co-worker left to work in a different state on military aircraft. He had to get a TS clearance and because we had worked for several years together he asked if I would be okay with being interviewed for his clearance. I said sure and an interviewer w the gov, arranged to come to my place of work and conduct the interview there. I was asked questions about him like how well did I know him, and whatever answer I gave led to more specific questions like if I answered a question about knowing his wife, they would ask if I thought his marriage sounded secure etc.

This memory of that experience was on my mind while I read your story and I wondered who Iceman would choose for his TS clearance interviews (and who the gov would choose for him) and what would they say? I feel like their "secret" would be uncovered in even a low level clearance (years later I had to submit names for a low level Public Trust clearance for my job) It was so embarrassing because I did not have many friends I was comfortable submitting for that as I kept my work and home life very separate.

Anyway, that is my "cool story, bro"

Thank you for such a great and well researched story!

this is indeed a cool story bro and touches on what is literally my story’s fatal flaw, which is: Yeah, a shitload of people would’ve known about it. I am going to hijack your question to talk about that, so my apologies, though i will get around to your question by the end. This is gonna be a really long post. I have a lot to say and a lot of ground to cover.

So I wanna start out by talking about the structure of this story and its core conflict, because while I’d like to say this story is rooted in an accurate depiction of the US military, obviously that’s not true; it’s rooted in the dynamic of the story that i wanted to tell, which is the story of a guy coming to realize the truth behind a Big Lie—him passing as straight. And that’s a pretty universal story, but it’s made more specific by the fact that a) the guy canonically wants to be the best in an institution that enforces the Big Lie and b) the guy canonically is so successful because he follows the rules/orders of that institution. So, for character growth, to put it simply, the guy (Ice) has to come to the conclusion that the Big Lie is a lie by himself. He can’t be told/ordered that the Big Lie is a lie, otherwise he hasn’t grown out of “just following orders.” (I’ll get to the Big Lie in a second. I made charts and story structure graphs below.)

The only other story about a Big Lie I can think of off the top of my head right now is Passing (1929) by Nella Larsen, which is about a Black woman in Chicago trying to pass as both white and straight. It’s a great book and I’ll try not to spoil it, you should really read it for yourself, but the terminology I’m going to use in this post comes from an analysis of it, so just to bring you up to speed—Clare, the woman trying to pass as white, is recognized by a friend, another Black-but-passing woman, Irene, who is shocked that Clare has abandoned her heritage (the truth of her, that is) and married a hyper-racist white man who doesn’t even know that she’s Black. So the book sets up a dynamic of the Big Lie that I’ve outlined here (hopefully it makes sense):

I built on this dynamic for my fic. Ice is both a “dupe” and a “passing figure,” in that he believes the lie that he is straight and also passes for straight—but it’s also more complicated than that because he’s not actually straight (getting to that). Mav is an “in-group clairvoyant” and can recognize Ice as passing because he is also straight-passing. The Navy are a bunch of “dupes.” But…what is Slider, for instance, or your question’s hypothetical government official who, yes, will 100% find out because people always find out?

In comes my ginormous-and-overly-wordy WWGATTAI Plot and Character Dynamic Summary Graph. You don’t really have to read it all, the only important bits for this discussion are the leftmost column (“plot”) and the green quadrant (“out-group clairvoyants”).

To summarize—people who know the truth can’t actually act on it, because for Ice’s character growth to make sense, he has to come to the truth himself. This forecloses the possibility of any outwardly homophobic action (by which I mean someone like a govt official or one of my lame OCs actually challenging him on his illegal relationship) in the plot, because for 90% of the story Ice is so fragile that he would probably just cave immediately and double down on the internalized homophobia. So, for plot purposes, everyone—including Mav, as it happens—has to sort of tiptoe around Ice’s obvious not-straightness and give him an unreasonable amount of grace so he can figure it out for himself. 

And therein lies the fatal flaw of this story. It is, like, not conceptually viable. Of course people would find out, of course the government would interrogate him about it, of course he’d have to confront the truth much sooner than TWENTY-FIVE years after he first starts messing around with Mav.  Which literally breaks my heart because I didn’t realize it was a fundamentally busted story until long after I had finished writing the base plot & couldn’t fix the overarching problems 😭 The thing is, it had to be this way, because there is at least a thirty-year gap between TG86 and TGM22, and TGM is obviously the emotional climax of the series and my story had to match that. So—fanfic and its canon constraints, everyone. 

But also… I can explain away these logical inconsistencies with story structure & character dynamic graphs to make the story make sense, sure, but it doesn’t change the truth of the matter, which is that… I hadn’t ever really thought about things like security clearances, and therefore wrote around them because I didn’t even know to consider them. And I know there are a bunch of other details in this story that betray my immaturity (anytime I talk about alcohol, for instance—I still am not legal to drink in this stupid country & have only cheap bad experiences to draw on; THE HOUSE—if i could rewrite this story from the beginning they would not have bought a fucking house together, what was I thinking???) and the lack of thought about the real-life logistics and consequences of secrecy is one of them. 

And it’s exactly what I mean when I say “I look at this story and all I see are its flaws,” which is why I wanted to write this post & get it on record. I have just enough life experience to read my own writing and know that it’s fundamentally unconvincing, and not enough life experience to know how to fix it. :(

But, to answer your original question, you’ve got me brainstorming a scene where Ice is asking Slider to be his character witness & Slider’s like “Look bro do you want me to lie to the federal government under oath for you because I will” and Ice has to be like “Legally I cannot ask that of you but”

#in case you couldnt tell it really bothers me #idk what the age range of the ppl who read my fics is but i knoooow there are #some parts of this story where you read it and you go #yeah a little kid wrote that #if you asked me what a 401k is with a gun to my head i could not tell you #so the fact that people care about my opinions on these like really grown up adult problems is #literally like the highest compliment ever #but i feel bad that i don’t have the life experience to give a convincing answer & i apologize for that #ive grown up so much & so quickly working on this project both as a writer and as a person & so thankful for that #but it also means that i look back on even recent work & say WTF LITTLE KID ALERT #so #sorry i turned your question into a fiction lecture #but lol that’s like the one thing i actually AM a little bit qualified to talk about #and your question represents like the fundamental fatal flaw of the story i have spent literally 100s of hours on #so I wanted to talk about it #thank you for the ask <3333333 #my birthday is in a couple days so just thinking about getting older lol #edts notes #top gun #top gun maverick #icemav #tom iceman kazansky #asks #hope to one day put this energy into like a job or sumn

[twig-tea]

Lately I’ve been feeling like Thai bl is truly all over the place with so many shows airing at once and some of the best ones flying under the radar while discourse is focused on a couple of the big messy ones. I think you’re the only person I know who is actually watching ALL of them and has been here for the whole evolution of the genre, so I’m curious what stands out to you about this current moment. Do the shows feel different to you? Is the way fandom is interacting with them changing? And what are your current favs?

I ended up writing a thesis, sorry friend lol To be fair to me there are 3 questions in there, all of them meaty! I've done my best to give a sense of where I'm at with Thai BL and how it feels like it's changed over time.

Caveating all of this: I am just one fan who I'm sure has had specific experiences that will colour my opinion, also a lot of this is just vibes so I'm open to being told I've forgotten something major or misremembered what it was like! If you are reading this and your opinion or experience is different please share, with stuff like this I'm always interested in hearing about differing opinions because the fandom experience will depend at least partly on where you hang out. For years, my main fandom space for BL was the YouTube comments section (RIP me).

Overall feel

Honestly, things overall don't feel all that different to me in Thai BL in particular, even though I'm about to talk about a lot of changes and ways it actuallyd does feel very different below lol And after reflecting about it, I think it's because these things still feel very much in flux, in a way that they've felt in flux this entire time. Producers are still figuring out the best funding and distribution models and merch models to make money; creators are still calibrating how queer these shows can be and still be popular; actors are still figuring out how to do BGP (business gay performances) without having fans interfere in their private lives off the clock. Writers are still trying to figure out how to write 12-episode arcs that don't drag in the middle or fumble the ending (which is also not new). The tension between established ships, fan expectations, and genre requirements has honestly been there almost the whole time, though the reverberations of missteps is louder now because of the larger fanbase that is (comparatively) more plugged in to live viewing. The core question in BL has always been 'how do we make this marketable', and that unsurprisingly hasn't changed, though the answer to that question has over time, if that makes sense?

Shows

Do the shows feel different? As a whole, I'd say yes. The biggest differences are of course total quantity and overall quality, but the actual distribution of % of shows that have high(er) production values (i.e. quality) feels close to the same--it was close to 50/50 in the late 2010s and now is maybe more like 40/60 with a higher percentage coming from more smaller production companies. But the numbers we're talking about are something like 15 shows in e.g. 2018 and something more like 50 shows in 2023 (being vague because there are shows that people could argue over whether they should count). The quality overall has increased, even the pulps look better, sound better, and tend to feel a little bit more put together than the pulps of even 2020 (please note that these are all relative qualifiers, most of these shows are still not objectively good). 2020 in particular was a watershed moment for high production value BLs; we get colorists and special effects artists, and sometimes decent sound production now!

There has also been an improvement in terms of what is depicted and how certain subject matter is treated very generally, though I think that's still in flux. Things like evil ex girlfriends are less common than they were and the women in BL are more likely (in general, still not always) to be treated as realized characters. We've gotten more and better femme representation in ensemble shows, and the "gay for you" trope is much less common. Consent is now considered sexy and is much more common than it was; non-consent as "sexy" has eroded and is much less common. Things that used to happen in almost every BL now happen in a much lower percentage. I also feel a little bit less worried about some of the actors on pulp sets because there is more general scrutiny about things like minor actors, intimacy coordination, BGP (business gay performance) expectations, and sexual exploitation. Overall, show recommendations these days come with fewer caveats.

The assumption that if you worked with someone on a BL once you would stay with them as an established pairing was surprisingly early in BL; I don't know if it's just because there were a few shows that had side pairings then get main shows, so the actors did work together on a few shows in a row, which made them feel established, or whether it's because the BGP started early to build hype both before and after shows aired, or whether audiences just made homophobic assumptions about how if two actors had chemistry they had to be gay for each other, and otherwise nobody would want to "play gay" more than once, or would want to have to kiss too many other men....in any case, there were huge scandals and blow-ups around this in BL on even the earliest shows, and some early shows were snubbed because of the pairing alone. Similarly, it was established very early in BL (i.e. 2016-17) that an unhappy ending for a pair would result in your show being panned; cheating was also a guaranteed flop in BL circles (though some ensemble shows that had gay relationships in them such as Friend Zone did fine with cheating plots and unhappy endings). Overall it feels like some things were only depicted in early Thai BL and creators have avoided them since due to the audience reception at the time. I will say, generally, that there have now been enough examples of people in a "branded pair" moving on to a new pair or multiple shows, that it feels less like a death knell to a BL career if one of the actors says they no longer wanted to make BLs, or if they switched companies.

I pay a lot of attention to queerness in BL, and that has changed a little bit too, though not in the way I expected. I had been expecting a more clear and steady trajectory in BL, but we've instead had real swings, and I've realized there will just always be shows that feel more or less actually gay or queer than others, and that's ok. Early Thai shows really spoiled us for good queer content, GayOK Bangkok and Diary of Tootsies are still shows by which i measure what we get now, and both of those are from 2016. I would say that more "mainstream" BL (i.e. by one of the major production companies) hit what turned out to be queer saturation around 2020 and that's where I was most surprised not see a more clear trajectory; rather than things getting more queer from there, I'd say a greater percentage of shows overall feel more queer, but we haven't (and I now suspect won't) reach the queerness we had in Thai tv in 2016. That being said, my secret running list of things I want to see in BL gets shorter every year as entries get crossed off, so I would say the range of queer experience is slowly getting captured as more content continues to be made by a wider range of production houses (PrEP being mentioned in a mainstream show is my white whale).

I know some people assume that shows are higher heat now overall, but I don't think that's true. I do think Thai television producers and directors have overalll gotten better at capturing sensuality, and acting workshops have improved chemistry-building overall too. But from what I can tell the ratio of high head and low heat content is still pretty similar to what it's always been, maybe slightly higher (e.g. at a quick glance I'd guesstimate 30% of shows had a sex scene in 2018 vs 40% in 2023).

Fandom

The main differences in fandom from the really early days and now are the ways we, as international fans, are able to engage with each other, with thai audiences at the same time, and with content creators, and the entitlement that comes with that. In the 2010s we were almost always watching after Thai airing, with either fansubs or, later, official subs, trailing online releases by days or weeks, which themselves may have trailed the Thailand airing date by days or weeks or sometimes even months. That became less true around 2019ish, and especially in 2020 when I think Thai producers were desperate to reach audiences during the start of the pandemic (and when audiences were desperate for something to distract us from what was happening in real life).

As a fan in the mid-late 2010s, watching something was either unofficial via a fansubber, or you were wading through hundreds of Thai comments to find anyone else writing about the shows in English. Now, it's actually rare we don't have immediate international distribution, though it may be paid. If the subs are not up at the same time as the official upload, even on free sites, fans get furious. It's a bit surreal to see people complain about waiting a few hours for subtitles, especially on YouTube, when we sometimes waited months for a series to finish being subbed (not to say people didn't complain back then too, because they sure did! But there were fewer international fans overall, and it wasn't an expectation that there would be subs, so fewer people complained when it happened). This meant that a lot of people only watched shows when they were complete, and people were not watching with any kind of synchronicity.

With international fans moving into simultaneous watching with Thai audiences, we suddenly had the chance to talk about shows as they were airing and affect the conversations about them and even, sometimes, the decisions. Folks seem to have differing opinions about what makes a BL, and what makes a BL good, and they are vocal about when a show doesn't meet their standard. This has always been true, but the strong opinions have more of an effect on the discourse when they're expressed in real-time to the show being aired. Also, when we have literally 3x the number of Thai shows being aired (nevermind other countries which have also increased), it seems so much more egregious to me to complain if a single show doesn't meet your particular taste. Just go watch something else! That was less possible in 2016, but now nobody has any excuse lol Please note here that I'm not saying shows should not be criticized. But when you have one loud faction saying shows should have nothing but innocent kisses if any skinship at all and showing more is distasteful and possibly homophobic, and another faction saying a show should be panned if they don't have at least one sex scene and if there is no good kiss it's homophobic, I don't know where that leaves content creators but I see the tension and how it sometimes results in my least favourite tropes like "blushing maiden" even after a couple has canonically had sex. These factions have always existed in BL fandom, this is not new, they just both seem particularly silly now with so much content to choose from.

The shows that get attention and the shows that get snubbed feel the same too, in all honesty. You can ask yourself the following questions:

Is the show a little slower paced?

Are the story beats less melodramatic?

Do its characters feel more human?

Do they feel more queer?

Is it a comedy?

Is there any risk of an unhappy ending?

Do people not think one of the lead actors is hot?

Do people ship one of the lead actors with someone who isn't his costar?

Do people have to do anything other than go to YouTube to watch it?

If the answer is yes to any of those questions, and especially to the last one, fewer people will be watching, even if the show is good. That's always been true. [Shows I'm thinking about when I say that: Make it Right, He's Coming to Me, My Ride, You're My Sky, Oxygen (though the sides in this one are also at fault), YYY, Something in my Room, Ghost Host Ghost House, Dear Doctor I'm Coming for Soul, Cooking Crush.] All this is to say, there have always been shows that have been ignored, though I agree with you OP that with more shows airing, more are being ignored at any given time.

The other thing is that when a show is good, it doesn't necessarily invite discourse. The messes are often what encourage people to dig in, fill in gaps, linger in the adrenaline. The part that does feel different is also related to the increase in genre BLs; genre stuff in general tends to get more attention in fandom spaces, and the way people are functioning as fans feels different in that they're bringing the way they interact with genre content to BL as BL has started having larger and better funded genre content. I'm thinking about those early genre BLs like He She It, My Dream, Love Poison, Golden Blood, So Much In Love, Why R U....we started getting genre shows in BL in I think 2017 and basically had 1-2 a year until 2020ish and then it increased from there; and the ones that had funding and decent distribution got engagement until they started going off the rails, and then they had even more engagement and then fell off. I don't think it's a coincidence that the shows last year that got people to write meta were La Pluie, Be My Favorite, and I Feel You Linger in the Air. When a show is building a world, there's more to say and interrogate about it, and when a genre show fails, it can fail more spectacularly than a regular romance story. The most popular BL shows used to all be straight-up BL bubble romances, but I think genre shows really started to take over a greater percentage of the popular spots in 2022 and 2023. Again, the main difference here is that there used to be 1-2 stand-out shows per year, and now there are closer to 6+ per year, and as we got more stand-out shows the variety of what type of show stood out as popular has expanded. I do think the overall percentage of shows that are more standard romance plots has reduced, partly because Thai production companies are running out of popular y-novels to adapt. So I'm anticipating we'll continue to get more genre content going forward, and maybe a higher percentage of original works too.

Shows I'm Enjoying Right Now

Right now, the Thai shows airing that I'm watching are:

Cooking Crush

Dead Friend Forever

Cherry Magic Thailand

City of Stars

The Sign

Playboyy

PitBabe

7 Days before Valentine

For Him

Of those, I'd currently most recommend Cooking Crush as a generic BL recommendation. Dead Friend Forever is very good, but is not a romance and is difficult for some to watch (there are a lot of dark themes in addition to the gore and scary bits).

Cooking Crush is doing so many things I love. I've written about the way it's set up its major conflict to be amongst the friend group here, and way the show is depicting communication between the two main characters and how they improve their communication with one another as they get closer here. Two of my biggest BL pet peeves are a conflict for the sake of a dramatic penultimate episode that ignores or retcons a character's growth or the building of trust that a couple has already gone through in the series, so the fact that this show is working so hard to establish strong communication between its leads and then setting up the significant drama to actually about friendship rather than romance is something I cannot overstate my excitement about. To tie this back into what I wrote above, this reminds me of Diary of Tootsies and I mean that in the best possible way.

Dead Friend Foreever is, like I mentioned above, not a romance; it's a slasher horror melodrama with a very well established mystery, an ensemble cast of mostly hateable characters (which I admit isn't usually my thing, but since they're likely all going to die as a result of the genre they're in I'm finding that more tolerable than usual, and there is at least one character I like). DFF did a great job of structuring the story for the ultimate payoff of information reveals. There are a lot of shows that have been messing with non-linear storytelling recently, Cooking Crush being one of the ones that actually does this poorly in my opinion, but Dead Friend Forever effectively uses non-linear storytelling so that we find out important pieces of information about particular characters at a time when that information will have the most emotional impact on what is happening in the "present" of the storyline. Every time there is a reveal, it informs what we've already seen, recontextualizes it, and means we understand some of the character motivations and actions differently from when we saw them the first time. I mentioned above that there are dark themes in this show; one of the things that I really like about this show is that the impact of class is not glossed over, and that the consequences of these events feel very real for the characters; people do terrible things in this show, but these actions are not treated lightly by the show itself.

You'd think these two shows would have nothing in common, but there are things that they share that put them both in my top category. Generally, in both of these shows, the character arcs are clear and logical; when a character does something, even if I don't like the action itself, I can understand exactly why they that and can see how it matches where they are in their arc at the time. The shows show change in characters as a result of what they experience, and the relationships in this show really matter. When characters start acting in ways that feel out of character or against their own arc because they have to in order to drive the plot forward, I struggle to remain invested; that's not happening with either of these shows. Both of these shows also treat serious topics with seriousness, and consequences for actions are real and felt by the characters in the show (and if someone gets away with something, the show is clear that this is not just). Nothing has happened that hasn't been signalled or implied earlier. Both shows also have clear class consciousness and represent the disparity caused by classism in a critical/harsh light.

Whew! I think I got to everything you asked. Thanks again for the extremely interesting question!

#ask game #bl meta #long post #typed so that I can stop thinking it #fandom meta #multi bl #thank you for the ask!

[tired-fandom-ndn]

ok so im curious. ive just started listening to tma and im in s1/havent seen too much plot from coworkers stuff yet, but jon kind of strikes me as like. A Jerk. like hes very rude and dismissive to the statements and the ppl giving them & i know its the Skeptic thing but its a bit much for me. but also i know hes like very babygirled by fans it seems? from what little ive seen. so do you think theres an evolving arc where hes dislikable and becomes more sympathetic or do you reckon disliking him from the beginning means i just wont like him or his role in the story? feel free to spoiler i have a lot of fandom osmosis lol its part of why im surprised i find him so offputting at the beginning

I am so so so sorry for taking three months to answer this, anon. I hope it's still helpful to you or someone else!

The thing to know about Jon, more than anything else in the early seasons, is that he's meant to be a jerk! He's putting on a very specific persona, both for himself and for his colleagues, as a Professional™. He's in a new job that is, quite frankly, an absolute mess for him to clean up and one that he doesn't feel at all qualified or prepared for. He's got colleagues who he feels don't respect him or aren't qualified for their own positions. He's even pretending to be older than he is to make himself seem more suited for his position. He knows people don't like him and he also knows that they don't take him seriously and it's the latter that he's really trying very hard to fix so that he can actually do his job.

He's also very seriously traumatized and trying very hard to distance himself from the work he's doing. Early Jon, along with being a Professional™, is also a Skeptic™ because denial is what keeps him going every day lmao. He is a man very much driven by fear and an intimate knowledge of the kind of things that could be lurking around him.

As the show progresses, you learn more about his actual personality underneath the persona, his relationships with and perspectives of his coworkers, and past events that have led him to being who he is and while it doesn't make him less of a jerk, it DOES make him significantly more sympathetic and compelling as a character. You've probably noticed that traumatized neurodivergent people latch onto him A LOT and there's definitely reasons for that lmao

#Anonymous #tma #jonathan sims

[johnslittlespoon]

It just makes so much sense that you were writing in 2013, you have the unhinged vibe that the golden fics from that era had.

I'm just here to compliment you really lol, mostly because I am giving a try to write a lil something for the first time and god I can only dream of ever being able to write as good as you. I've been writing poems and music for years now but i find writing actual coherent storys with characters and dialogue so so hard.

I was wondering if you have any tips, or like little rules you follow when you write.

all the love, xxx

🌷

I'M GONNA CRYYYY this was the sweetest thing in the world to wake up to wtf wtf <333 thank you SO much, i really appreciate this wahh my heart :'))) but also you are SILLY. don't compare yourself to others!! if we all did that constantly we'd never get anything written!! there are SO many authors i adore on here that will always have me chasing the "i wish i could write like that" feeling and it's a great motivator but alsooo at the end of the day. you gotta fall in love with your own words and characters and stories <33

and i feel that so much!! we are twinsss, i also started out writing poems and music and then realized i had stories i wanted to tell that wouldn't fit in shorter form, then discovered fanfic in middle school in the early '10s and it was all downhill from there LOL. truly such a golden era tho oh my god. growing up reading the hat fic and borderline illegible wattpad stories was certainly... formative!

yapping ahead vv (i don't have much advice bc i'm still just learning as i go but hopefully some stuff i picked up on can be a bit helpful!)

i have zero method to the madness when writing so it's a relief to know it doesn't come off that way LOL but i do have a few little things that i follow and i always look for them when beta–ing as well! they're pretty small technical things and they're generally up to personal preference, but some of them come from authors i admire and i think they can really take anyone's writing up a notch <3

i don't feel qualified to give advice because i'm just raw–dogging everything lmao i've never taken classes or anything, so take all this yapping with a grain of salt bc it's just what's worked for me!

– i try to use descriptors like "the man" or "the blond" or "his friend" etc sparingly. i wish i could remember the source, but i read a great piece about why it's better to just go with the character's name 99% of the time, and then i went through so many of my works to edit them and i felt so much more confident in my writing afterwards– it made a big difference in readability (imo).

ofc there are exceptions, like if the name of a character is unknown, or if there are too many names being thrown around in one sentence and a "the man" or "the soldier" etc just sits nicer. i definitely still use them occasionally! but it does sometimes put some distance between the reader and the story when those descriptors are used too often instead of names, so it's a good thing to keep an eye out for when it comes to flow. sometimes less or more or whateva ??

– sorta on the topic of less is more, i love challenging myself to show vs tell when i can! whether it's by keeping dialogue short and letting actions speak instead (can add to intimacy/realism– we communicate so much through body language yk), through metaphors (literally how my whole '#john egan is dog coded' fic was born LOL), or describing feelings rather than spelling them out (his heart ached vs he was sad, his pulse raced vs he was scared, you get the gist). you said you've been writing poems so i feel like stuff like that would already probably come easily to you tho! <3

– this guide on ao3 is great for smut writers! whether someone's a beginner or just looking for ways to elevate the filth, i found it really helpful, it's a fun read as well lol. it calls out stereotypes/cliches and teaches you how to reword them, gives lists of slang and reactionary words, do's and don't's, etc. i don't follow everything in it but that's the beauty of writing; we all have things that work for us and things that don't and that's so okay. :-)

– in the same way that artists use references to practice and find their style, you can do that with writing too! i know a lot of writers have a doc or note where they jot down stylistic things they find while reading that they'd like to emanate, or words they want to use, specific phrases, descriptors, etc. if i'm reading a fic and find an auditory descriptor i like, i might take note of it, stuff like that. sorta like a text document version of a pinterest board!

– thesaurus.com is my best friend truly. often going with the 'simplest' version of a word makes for smoothest reading so someone isn't taken out of the story being like wtf does that word mean lol but sometimes things can feel repetitive, or like there just needs to be a little bit more spice; i probs go back and forth btwn my doc and thesaurus a dozen times an hour tbh.

that's all i can think of rn and ik those are pretty basic so i'm sorry about that!! i really do just kinda write what evokes emotions in myself, and then i hit post and hope it translates over to whoever is reading too :') drawing from your own experiences if you can/really sitting with what the characters would be feeling in whatever scenario you're writing is probably the most powerful way to present what you see in your mind.

i have a hard time writing about emotions/things i haven't personally experienced, so i usually stray away from it out of fear of not getting across what i want to, but some people are great at winging it and putting themselves in unfamiliar shoes so!! it's again just personal preference really.

and alsooo be kind to yourself! i'm an anxious wreck every time i post any of my writing, i am very much not confident when posting new fics and i agonize over my docs so much and trash a lot of works, but i know at the end of the day i can't grow or learn if i don't get the words down, and i can't get feedback or gain confidence if i don't post. becoming your own hype man and giving yourself the opportunity to improve is essential <33

sooo much love and best of luck!!! lmk if you end up writing smth, i'd love to read it (◠‿◠✿)

#also tentatively offering beta services to mota/sb moots bc i love helping w fics <33 hmu #if i am not super busy i am SAT #this got so long WHOOPS so sorry anon #johnslittlespoon asks #johnslittlespoon yaps

[hypersonic04]

hello i am a simple reader LOVING these teacher!ross suggestions, but as a trainee teacher it is making me having absolutely ridiculous delusions about this happening to me in the future with someone 😭😭 in England you have to do two years after you finish your training year where you're called an ECT (or Early Career Teacher) and you often have a mentor at your school who helps you to get used to teaching your own class once you've qualified,,, can you see where i'm headed with this??

i'm just imagining teacher reader starting her ECT years with Mr MacDonald as her mentor, and he teaches in the class next to hers... and he just absolutely adores her and adores how engaged the kids are with her lessons... and is completely obsessed with helping her whenever she asks and staying late with her to help her with marking and being her first call whenever she needs something... and after every time one of them pops into the other's classroom for something, the kids just INUNDATE them with questions like "ARE YOU AND MR MACDONALD IN LOVE????" "MR MACDONALD DO YOU FANCY MISS *reader*?????"

and they just have to bite back their grins because yes they are in love but they're terrified to tell each other

Oh. My god. YES.

I imagine you walking into this new school, not knowing a single person and just having a name on an email to refer to. You’re so anxious and don’t really know anyone, so when you see the really handsome, smiley man in the corridor, you’re like ‘I’m so sorry to bother you, but I’m looking for a Mr Macdonald?’. His eyebrows raise and the second he tells you that you’re talking to him, you feel an immediate wave of relief. You have a little meeting together before your first proper lesson and getting settled into your classroom and everything, and he’s so good at calming your nerves - ‘if you need anything at all, I’m literally next door, I mean it. you have nothing to worry about.’

And yes, I completely agree with the idea that he just adores you. Once you’ve been there a couple of weeks and you’re a bit more settled in, the kids are actually disappointed if they have his class instead of yours, to which he responds with ‘you know what, fair enough.’. As your mentor, he has to come and watch a few of your lessons and give you feedback, and he finds himself stumbling around his words when you ask for feedback because he was too busy admiring the colour of your nail polish and how encouraging you are when the kids get things right, he has 0 notes on his notepad.

I love the idea of him desperately wanting her to need his help, too. I reckon you’re filling in some feedback sheets after some mock exams and you just need to ask him about something. He’s got a full class, maybe like year 9s (so they’re about 13 or 14), so you just gently knock on the classroom door. He’s stood at the board talking about something, pointing, and his face literally lights up when he sees you. He waves you to come in and you’re like ‘sorry, could I just have a word?’ and he’s like ‘don’t apologise!! everyone, be copying down what’s on the board. yeah, everything alright?’. He listens to you so intently and he’s nodding and helping you, taking a seat at his desk and turning his laptop to you to show you what to do. The kids are whispering between themselves as they watch you together, a small laugh escaping your lips when he says something silly, and going all bashful and pink when you’re like ‘thank you so much, that’s been so helpful.’. He continues the conversation for a little bit, simply so you don’t leave yet, and he has the absolute look of love on his face. When you leave, he sighs a little bit like a lovesick teenager, sitting back in his chair and forgetting that he has an audience. Like you said, the kids are like ‘omg are you together!! are you in love!!’ and he obviously turns on teacher mode and is like ‘that’s enough of that lol.’

And yes, he tells them to be quiet and that they’re wrong, but they’re actually so right. He is in love with you within a matter of weeks, and so are you, and I think it takes until at least six months for you to recognise and accept it.

#ross macdonald #the 1975 #teacher ross #asks

[megabuild]

this was like a five minute doodle just to get the concept down but ive been thinkin about greggory..

obvious full disclaimer him being more human shaped is inspired by qsmp fanarts ofc. pushes that out of the way

ive talked a little about nl!olipix here and here but tldr oli ""dies"" at the end of empires and runs away and leaves olipelago to greggory. pixelle gets nothing in his will btw which he doesnt really care about on like a physical level because hes more upset about his boyfriend fucking dying but there is a part that stings that hes not even mentioned in the will despite them being so close he feels a little like oh so did that not mean anything to you.. but thags his issue.

the most immediate problem is that greggory is like not competent enough to live alone or maintain the olipelago. sorry. he's still in his shell at this point and like six months old tops he's baby. pixelle was already lowkey his parent because he babysat and hung out with oli a lot so it sort of happens naturally.. plus as a dragon its honestly a bit more like a slightly higher maintenance cat. who can breathe fire once hes out of the shell a couple months down the line. thats scary.

pix wraps up work on the ancient capital and moves back to the city to continue his previous job but things don't work out for .. various reasons. he's literally still like part ghost. but when he moves he takes greggory with him ofc because like he can't leave him alone... pix doesn't actually like children he was really bad with hermes but gregg grows on him. maybe in part because he's not really a child he's a dragon like i said. until. har har.

at about a year old greggory starts mimicking the humans around him a lot better than he was before. like. he starts walking on two legs. and at first pixelle is like lol how cute and then he seriouses because oh shit what the fuck raising dragons is sort of not really that common especially not in this sort of environment. on the rare occasions they've been tamed before they've been wiled beasts and this is an ender dragon which is nigh unheard of. (Violet from arc 1 still exists but is a very difficult and separate case that doesn't apply.) so suddenly instead of a little kittycat this thang is trying to walk and grab things with his little claw hands and vocalising (he doesn't have vocal chords capable of human speech but he does little grunts and stuff it's cute.) pixelle is equal parts fascinated from a scholarly pov but also like oh my god i am not qualified at all for this what the fuuuck

this is the point that makes pixelle sit up and go ok i need to unghost myself because i cant. raise my weird son like this. (his entire ghost thing is a weird metaphor for depression and trauma and grief because all the ghosts in aoyuer are about that. so yea) and then him and greggory go do that and its a whole thing i wont get into but it leads into him entering the land that new life is set in and meeting oli again who he had kind of figured out was alive and was trying to track down but didnt expect it to happen here. and so begins their divorce arc

fun notes though: pixelle calls greggory omelette sometimes as a cute nickname! he suggested that as a name when he was still in his egg. sort of mean. also since gregg can't speak english pix learns and then teaches him sign language ^_^ at the start of new life / arc 3 he's only a basic communicator but can get his point across usually.

oli is by no means a bad dad he's just not a great one either. it's clear he tries very hard and he does love gregg. part of the reason he leaves him is BECAUSE he loves him and he recognises he's not really able to raise him and it would be unfair to drag him along wherever he plans on going post empires... but that doesn't make it right etc etc. Hes aware of that too and feels generally awful about the whole thing... His and greggorys relationship is weird and strained at the start but he tries by god does he try. And they make it work eventually. They have to get through the horrors first though.

#mine #aoyuer #gregg

[sleeptowns]

a year (or so) of fics, in retrospect

once every handful of years i remember to look back at the collection of projects i’ve finished recently and to simulate a critique as if i’m an art school student — and also as if i’m the haunted teacher’s assistant who wants to be gentle on the prof’s behalf but actually hates your work and also i am the other students who have been sitting there for seven hours straight and can’t offer much more except say, “it’s fine.” a one-man critique day, all parts played by me. 

sometimes i do this and the last period of writing has been drier than a pizza slice left in the winter sun, but this time i’m lucky that these last couple of years have been the closest i’ve had to a writing pax romana.

with that said, i’m not entirely sure how valid i am whenever i think these days that my writing has gone through some drastic changes in the last year; i’m not even sure if it’s accurate to call any of it growth, though i’m aware it’s the sort of thing i won’t have a clear perspective on until a few years after the fact. but i do know that i’m lucky to have so many works to act as markers for different periods of my writing, and while it’s far from a sure method of evaluation, there are parts there that i’m able to at least assess, if not outright measure. in the last year or so, my fics have started mutating towards — not really a separate sort of output than my previous ones, but definitely older somehow. older and quite different because of it: stylistic choices i would have steered clear of before, failed and/or lacklustre genre explorations, even relationship dynamics that were previously unfamiliar territory. my most recent fic feels like a culmination of all my attempts at wrestling with my writing in the ring, and now that it’s a few weeks behind me and i get to look at it with fresh(er) eyes and accept that it’s my favourite child (i’m sorry flls... you’re not too far behind), it’s also reminded me that i have a now overdue fic roundup to write. 

tangentially speaking, it’s interesting that you never really hear about self-taught writers. self-taught artists, yes, and self-taught musicians, but never quite self-taught writers. i don’t exactly purport to have taught myself everything i know about writing, and i know you can’t really be self-anything as a writer; what i lack in technique and finesse learned from proper writing classes, teachers, and/or workshops, i owe to the media i’ve consumed, good and bad, as well as to the creators i love and to all the thoughtful readers i’ve had over the years. if i’m self-taught in any way, then the self as a teacher was reared by countless others who have honed in me a limitless capacity to be an observer to stories, mine and all else. 

this post is just a roundup of all my fics from december 2020 to january 2023, including only the ones with enough substantial content to write about, which disqualifies a lot of the fics i left at one or five scenes max but qualifies the ones i abandoned at one chapter. just a little something for me to reference as i figure out where to take my writing next and hopefully move towards some kind of ✨ growth ✨ lol 

・・・・・・

FIRST LOVE, LATE SPRING december 2020 to march 2021, jujutsu kaisen trial element | dual pov romance, multimedia (?)

i covered a bit of the early chapters and conceptualization for flls in a separate post, but as i was reflecting on how to write a continuation, it occurred to me that if there’s a clear before and after to the current state of my writing, then the first portion of flls chapter five is where i’ll find it. 

when i was drafting my 58393th version of that chapter — nothing was working, none of it was the right vibe i needed, most of them too detached or too on-the-nose but never the perfect middle — i happened upon trying second person pov by accident. i’m not the biggest fan of second person (though to be fair, i don’t think anyone is) but by that point i was so sick of writing and rewriting this one section and not getting anywhere that i wondered if i should just lean all the way into that disgust. why not do something i hated entirely? and act of desperation as that was, the moment i started writing in curt, nauseating second person, i knew it was the right choice. 

the thing about writing flls!yuuji is that he felt both alive and unfamiliar. flls!megumi was easier to understand, even if he was trickier to write — but yuuji, i had to really work to get to know. one thing about him that i knew to be careful about from the very beginning of jjk is that it would be too surface level to think this boy is an extrovert. yuuji is usually painted as an energetic, sunny person, and i don’t think he’s not that, but there’s something about yuuji that’s also very internal and almost innately… isolated? i don’t know if that’s necessarily the right word, but there’s a lot about him as a character that’s out of view or grasp, which ironically i find people taking at face value. in flls, he required a lot more balance than megumi, who was a dam waiting to be relieved of its duties. flls!yuuji knows who or what he is — how could he not, when he’s never had a choice but to be this person, this kid who lost his grandpa, this kid who needs love but doesn’t know how to ask for it because he doesn’t even know there are forms of it he can ask for? 

how to write a character like that? how to nudge someone who doesn’t reveal even at his most revealing towards the christmas eve fight i had set up in the beginning of flls chapter one? back before chapter six of flls came out, i saw a lot of people argue that megumi and yuuji just needed to communicate, and yes, of course they do, but i was also very adamant as i started chapter five that the real tragedy about them is that communication will do nothing in the end. even if they magically became master communicators about their needs and wants and insecurities, none of it will change the fact that neither of them are ready to love and be loved by the other person. at least not in any way that constitutes a relationship that feels like love. 

i think that’s the key to writing the relationship in flls. it was never a question that they loved each other, and how much. never. this is probably the first piece of ~growth i appreciated about flls. it would be easy to write a romance where the main conflict is them not knowing the other loved them back, but flls got rid of that quite early. i left no room for doubt — or at least this is the hope — that flls!itfs loved each other in a way no one else would be able to compare to. they’re it for each other. but if it had been as simple as portraying that, then i never would have finished flls at all, and it definitely wouldn’t have been my longest fic at the time. 

instead — what if it was a given that they loved each other, and it still wasn’t enough? what kind of story can we spin about that? what kind of questions and answers can we find?

that’s actually such a pretentious way to frame that, but the fact of the matter is that i needed to not waste space now that we’re five chapters in. this is the beginning of the end. how do we shift gears and take the tone of the entire story along with it? i don’t know if there’s something about second person pov that’s just inherently full of dread, but it did quite a bit of work in chapter five. it felt disembodying for me as a writer, and i could only hope the same for readers. i was really, really worried some people will give up reading altogether thinking all of chapter five will be in second person, but i didn’t want to compromise. it was going to be second person for most of their real relationship or nothing: vaguely dissociative, intensely drained, with no room to actually enjoy being each other’s boyfriend. the main challenge was to not go from zero to a hundred in a snap. i had the room to do so in only one chapter, but i had to find a way to keep a tight rein on the pace or else the whole fic will fail. 

there also had to be love. and longing. and a desperation to make it work. i think that was yuuji in a nutshell — someone desperate to make it work, whatever this thing is. that’s what constitutes his strengths and his weaknesses, in canon and in flls. i wanted to find a way to make that palpable to a reader the way it was palpable to me while writing yuuji in second person. somewhere along making sure to tether myself to him by knowing what pieces of media he’d reference (high school musical and fullmetal alchemist) and his life outside of megumi (work, basketball, tea with nanami, skateboarding), i had to also drown with yuuji in the hope that the reader would follow. chapter three afforded me the luxury of only examining yuuji from the omniscience of a writer writing in third person — i could dismantle him through the therapy scene, could show myself and the reader a way to understand him, but i could not take us there to where he is. 

i don’t know how successful the second person pov was, ultimately, though i’d be lying if i said it wasn’t what i thought was truly best at the time. it probably wasn’t that creative to anyone but me, but it gave me a nudge towards different ways to explore… vibes. atmosphere, maybe, is the more formal word for it. if not for the second person pov choice in flls, i wouldn’t have been nudged towards kamo’s newsletter to act as the midway point of the story, the last palate cleanser i’ll allow myself and the reader, and i never would have written please let me love you forever and days of brutalism and hairpin turns the way i did. i owe a lot to that tiny but crucial choice, as does flls as a whole. everything that followed that section — the fight, the aftermath of the fight, the breakup — relied on it to make themselves work, and it’s funny (and valuable to note) how it’s something as seemingly inconsequential as a pov choice that set the tone. 

especially because there’s nothing special, really, about those following scenes. the christmas eve fight, megumi’s conversation in the car with geto, the break-up itself — all of it followed my standard flow of dialogue. sure, there’s more tension when you’re writing an argument, let alone when writing scenes that will inevitably lead to a break-up, but all scenes, particularly dialogue, have to feel fraught with some kind of energy and inevitable anyway. for the remainder of chapter five and six, i just coasted on the tone set up by the beginning of chapter five, and that’s knowledge that has served me quite well since. atmosphere goes a long, long way, and with my writing style, a healthy balance between dialogue and introspection will take me the rest of the way to the finish line. the part of flls that i’ve heard people find the most heartbreaking were also its simplest. all of chapter six is dedicated to one wedding, and chapter seven to one evening. i wish i could say there was a trick there, that i agonized over how to write such important scenes, but my personal takeaway is that there is no trick. the point is that you get the story to a point where those scenes write themselves; there’s nowhere else for the flow to go, and geto’s gentle unpacking of megumi, the last few scenes before megumi and yuuji break up, and the bittersweet reunion after two necessary years — i can only hope they carried a sense of “this is the only way it could have gone” the way they did for me. geto doesn’t tell megumi anything we don’t already know from earlier chapters, if only just now put into words. megumi and yuuji also don’t tell each other anything, in the breakup scene and the getting back together sections, that we haven’t already gleaned from them. from the moment kamo’s newsletter ended and we headed into act two — everything was just wrapping up what i left for myself.  

it’s worth noting that i did try to complicate the final chapter a bit. i tried a split pov between yuuji and megumi at first, as a way to finally reconcile their two perspectives, but that felt too cheesy. i tried an outing to nagoya for nobara’s birthday, tried to divide the pov amongst the people in their lives (junpei, nanami, nobara, etc), and even to do my usual cyclical structure of starting with the same image we did in chapter two, this time in yuuji’s funabashi apartment — but those all felt too on the nose. i trusted my flls readers. maybe that’s what all it came down to. i trusted them to know these people, and this story, and i didn’t want to do too much and compromise that trust. and in the end, i would argue, returning to simplicity made the story what it was. 

something i love to think about is how to explain my fics to others. i know it’s been said a lot that the ao3 tagging system has convinced a mini generation of writers that tags and names of tropes are all you need to pitch/be pitched a story, and i wholeheartedly agree. or i might just be terrible at advertising my work, with an obnoxious aversion to learning how to do it better to boot, but to be fair, i think my premises are all just as boring as they are ridiculous. flls is a college au with two friends with benefits turned fake boyfriends turned real boyfriends turned exes. that’s it. there’s nothing else in the plot but that. yet it’s a lot more to me than that, and sometimes that’s all you have when you send a story out into the world. the knowledge that it was briefly yours, and now it isn’t, but that doesn’t at all devalue what you’ve taken away from spending time with it. 

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US april 2021, jujutsu kaisen trial element | short form, childhood friends

this is one of a handful of attempts at writing a trope i don’t love all that much, inspired largely by the atmosphere in “horatio” by t.j klune. i was very conflicted about this fic when i first published it, primarily because it was so short and written in a sparse style i didn’t know how to evaluate, and partly because it didn’t feel substantial. in a post i’ve put on private since, i’d written: 

what if i repeat the same themes in another context? that doesn’t make the theme carry any less weight as long as i put heart and sincerity and compassion into how i’m writing about it. there’s something that is equally as much self-deprecation as it is borderline vanity in me placing these rules upon myself. i’ve always known i wrote first and foremost out of love, out of what makes me excited to write — and that still applies here. i was thrilled to be able to experiment with a short, snappy fic. and that’s far more important, isn’t it, than whether i’m writing a different dissertation angle on love or friendship or family or career? it doesn’t feel like it, no, but it should, because i know it is. i know that what matters to me is that writing is fun and compassionate, and i know that as long as one person finds comfort in a world i’ve built, it’s enough.

i don’t sound very convinced there, and i wasn’t. i still don’t know what to make about us. i like that it’s short, and i endeavour to write more short fics with nothing specific or significant about them — but it’s hard to stomach its existence, let alone see it as something to love. it just feels so… not empty, but definitely less than what i’m used to asking from myself. it’s short, it’s sweet, it’s snappy. it’s also formulaic in its own sparse way, and i think it works because of the sweetness, but the truth is that if i hadn’t written it for itafushi week, i would never have greenlit it for publishing. i still wrestle nowadays with wanting to delete it, but it matters so little to me that i can’t even justify that much. it’s a weird limbo of a story, though i still hope to explore this kind of writing more in the future. 

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SOME KIND OF WE june 2021, jujutsu kaisen trial element | sequel to existing complete story

broke my own rules here by revisiting a story past its run, but to be very fair, it was less out of sentiment (though there was also that) so much as me startling at my first proper reread of the latter half of flls and realizing there are still unresolved arcs for megumi because the final chapter set two years later only had yuuji’s pov. not many of them, and none especially urgent, but i thought it would be a good opportunity to reorient the story to something quieter and more mature than what the central conflicts in flls left room for. i’m not convinced the back-and-forth between pieces of their recent few months being together and the present evening worked as seamlessly as i wanted it to, but it was still a nice opportunity to use a non-linear narrative to explore the growth and development of a relationship that i left at quite the bittersweet open-endedness. what was only delicately certain by the end of flls was made concretely certain through some kind of we, even if it did run a bit too sentimental and saccharine. but i think it can be forgiven, considering what yuuji and megumi went through in flls proper. 

the main challenge of this fic was figuring out which portions of their life post-flls were worth including, and the first draft had five potential sections:

tokyo, for megumi’s first visit back after moving to chiba, mostly dedicated to him realizing that home — after being rooted for so long to this city, this one apartment with his dad, the same neighborhood and transit lines, to the gojo-geto household — now finally belongs somewhere else, with someone else. 

funabashi, most of which was preserved in the version that was published. 

sendai, to visit grandpa itadori’s grave, which i decided to streamline into a single scene at the end of the final some kind of we draft to cut away the excess and break it down to the core of why i wanted them to make this visit — which is to hammer home for yuuji that he isn’t alone anymore, that he has someone taking care of him and loving him without fail and with care, and to give megumi the agency to solidify, for his own sake, that he’s someone who means the whole universe to yuuji. enough that what place is his will always and solely be his, and enough that megumi will be allowed to love and take care of another person in a way that’s both eternal and an ever-evolving work in progress. 

okinawa, for a trip that was only referenced as a backdrop in the final version but that i still like to think a lot about even now. a cc anon said once that the gojo-geto household must be so lonely with all the kids grown up, but as i talked about in another reply once (it’s too far back for me to have time to dig out at this point), i do love to imagine yuuji and megumi being uncles to the next generation, even if not outright parents themselves. sometimes you don’t know what you’re capable of giving as someone who was denied so much as a kid until you see someone so young, a stranger to the world, and know what to give them precisely because you didn’t have it once. and between yuuji not having much family and megumi’s life being complicated by the fact that he has too much family, i think they’re well-equipped to be uncles to tsumiki’s kids and beyond. and i was tempted for a bit to show this in the annual okinawa trips i mentioned in the final version of skow, but there just isn’t enough space without becoming superfluous. 

kuantan, to visit nanami, mostly to reconsolidate the rather serious interaction megumi and nanami had in flls into something gentler, considering he’s still family to yuuji and while nanami might say yuuji doesn’t need his blessing, yuuji will want it anyway. i never did end up writing this part, so it’s not exactly canon to the au and i’m hesitant to make it so, but the idea was to end with megumi asking for both nanami’s blessing and help to propose to yuuji on that malaysia trip.

the end result for this fic was a little lesson for me in cutting and cutting and keeping my hand light on the source, until i’m left with what i consider necessary. the final version of some kind of we is more a collection of vignettes than a straightforward account of megumi and yuuji’s life together post-flls, which i found much more strangely fitting. i feel like i spent so much of flls trying to get them to a point where they’re ready to be with each other, and i just wanted to dedicate skow to them not just making it work but building love on top of the foundations they secure. it’s one thing to portray that through a whole fic dedicated to each milestone; it’s another to write ordinary moments that are made extraordinary because they have chosen that for and with each other. neither of them say i love you out loud in the entire fic, but i wanted there to be no doubt that they do say it. that they do love each other, and that this part isn’t the obstacle it used to be. they’re just some kind of them, together, and this time it doesn’t feel bittersweet for me to send them off to the world for good knowing there’s love falling out of the spaces between each vignette i wrote. 

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HAND IN UNLOVABLE HAND october 2021, jujutsu kaisen trial element | fantasy au

yikes. one of two fics in this round-up that i abandoned at chapter one. started this because an idea occurred to me while reading the atlas six, wrote until i had to stop, then didn’t look back once even when it would have served me to. 

i flew too eagerly close to the sun with this one, truly, but as far as intentions go, i think both my mind and heart were in the right place. it’s quite clear where this one went wrong: i had neither time nor the energy to dedicate to it; i started it on the same whim i start most other things but this time didn’t have the passion for it — and i confess i just didn’t have the patience required to work on writing the story i wanted to write.

it was also one of those lessons in how often big ideas — or an attempt at them — cannot sustain a story. i had what i thought were clear ideas and intentions about the themes i wanted to cover in this one (the downfall of religious devotion, reconstruction, academic institutions versus personal/individual responsibility, all of which just look like buzzwords now that i’m typing them out, omg), but it just didn’t leave room for the kind of story i like to write. i guess my main takeaway here is that the pitfall of high(er) concept genre stories is that you have to make space for the world at the cost of room for character writing; it’s just the nature of how much space in the narrative you can allot for each individual aspect of the story, and with stuff like fantasy and sci-fi, the worldbuilding takes up a significant amount more than your run-of-the-mill slice of life story where the only world i have to worry about sketching is where someone lives and works. 

i do like some parts? it’s kind of crude, how i tried to reconcile my writing style with genre-specific bits, but it’s not all terrible. this sequence is alright:

Megumi was seven the first time he restored something. 

Every part of it had been an accident, and he remembers it now only in fragments. The wet rag in his hand as he wiped down the dining hall tables, having to climb the chairs to get to each corner. The horrible echo of something shattering in the kitchen, where Tsumiki had been tasked to do all the dishwashing for the evening. The panic on her face when Megumi got to her, both of them crowding around the shards of ceramic left by what was once a plate. The spill of harsh candlelight from above the sink, the harsher shadows it sent dancing around the broken glass. 

But he does remember the remembering. The knowing of what the plate had looked like once, the image behind his eyes anchoring him in place as he latched onto the curl of the shadows on the floor. It would be more intuitive, more rudimentary, than anything he’d learn to do later in life, propelled by the worry on Tsumiki’s face and the footsteps he swore he could hear coming towards them from the other end of the servants’ quarters they called home back then—but it had taken only a single blink for the shadows to cover the plate, tighten around it into darkness, and then retreat to where they were, leaving a clean, untouched plate in the middle of the kitchen floor. 

it could be better, but it still could be worse. and i do like the overall architectural imagery and how i managed to scrounge up some standard fare coziness somewhere in the cold, almost-medieval setting. 

as far as disastrously failed ventures go, this one could be a lot more embarrassing than it is. i’m not mad at it. it’s far from good enough, and if i didn’t write it in such a frenzy, i probably never would have allowed it to be published. but. it’s a useful failure. 

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PLEASE LET ME LOVE YOU FOREVER march to june 2022, blue period trial element | five-character gen dynamic, multimedia

what a... headache of a project. bit off more than i could chew without choking and decided to take even more bites each new chapter because why the hell not, apparently. i do appreciate how un-edited this fic is, despite it all. it feels the most bleeding-heart of all my fics from this past year or so, and it’s nice to look back at this and know exactly when i shifted my approach to it altogether because, again, why not. it’s such a valuable “why not?” to have. it’s nice when i don’t feel quite as… under surveillance? when writing a story. and i get to just go off the rails a bit. a lot, actually, with this one. it’s nothing crazy because i don’t think i can write anything crazy (though i think hairpin turns had blinks of it), but there’s definitely plenty of choices that i’m surprised i decided on with a sober mind. 

to be fair, they weren’t exactly mindblowingly successful. if i were to rate this fic out of five, despite all my fondness for it, i’d maybe give it a 2.75. it’s a well-earned mark, and i have a special soft spot for people who have read it, but i’m not mentally proud of it. emotionally so, maybe, in whatever way i can be, but if this fic didn’t feel so intimate with a much cozier readership and comment section, i’d be a lot crueler to it than i am, i think. as it is, it makes for wonderful conversation and reflection for me, and it’s always fun to consider how a story about a disbanded idol group became a metaphor for childhoods lost to growing up too fast and also involved alternate universes. 

but cycling through five povs really is too much, i think, and if it was exhausting for me to write then i imagine it was just as exhausting to read. a nicer alternative would have been to stick to one pov for each chapter, but even that was a lot to juggle considering there were also smaller dynamics going on in the background with each character. within the core group of five alone, there were thirty-one variations of scenes to write, including individual introspection and pairs — and that’s not to take into consideration trios, or groups of four or the whole five plus a secondary character, for example. i don’t know how i pulled off my usual character study here. i don’t know if i did. 

another thing about this fic is that i’m still not sure why a time loop didn’t work. i wanted it so badly to work. i thought it would be fun, but i guess time loops aren’t necessarily compatible with prose. there’s something about repetition and looping that’s best visually, but even if i had been able to stick to imagery and vibes, it would have gotten tedious at some point for me and a reader considering the quantity/length i tend to need. just something to keep in mind if i get the urge to keep trying time loops in future works and wonder why it’s not sticking seamlessly. as with a lot of things in life, if you have to force it then maybe it’s not meant to be there. or maybe you have to go shortform, narrow down the playing field?

one thing i’d commend this fic for is how it managed to unpack so much between dynamics that barely exist in canon. that, and how it managed to pack so many formats into one story — song lyrics, album reviews, tweets, a play, nonfiction, a profile, wikipedia pages, messages, i don’t even know how many more — while maintaining a semi-cohesive tone throughout. there was a lot of fun there, in figuring out how to adapt your typical characterizing to a format you haven’t tried before: how would kuwana write a preface to hashida’s book? would this particular character include rhymes in their song lyrics, or are they more of a diaristic stream of consciousness kind of lyricist? what medium best translates this character’s personality? what medium best conveys this dynamic’s under-the-skin knowing of each other? who sees more than the others, and how can i show that without using the same structure of two or three characters talking in a setting that doesn’t change? 

my favourite part is probably the fake album review at the top of chapter four? there’s something giddying about the research-like quality of figuring out how to perfect the tone that music reviewers tend to default to, but also sobering about how easily adapted this fake idol group’s history is from real life. the easiest part of the entire fic was making this group feel real to me, situated in the real life history of j-idols and beyond, even if i admit to shying away from being explicit about the worst things that would still have been grounded in reality. some references to real life idol incidents worked a little too well, but there was also how clean it felt to spin fictional lore for this group in that fake album review. from their individual songwriting styles to tobi’s own background in-story to the kind of themes and concepts a faux pretentious pitchfork reviewer might like to talk about — it was just incredibly fun. i don’t know when else i’d get the chance to write something like that. everything else paled in comparison to it soon after, though i do also tolerate whatever my writing was doing at the end of chapter five, even if some parts of that chapter also feel lacklustre through a hypercritical lens. it doesn’t hold up under extremely rigorous scrutiny, even if i consider the fact that i’d just wanted the fic wrapped up as soon as i could at the time. it could be better, more so than all the other fics in this post could be better. but i don’t mind too much that it isn’t better. i mind it a little. just a little. but its flawedness is also what forced the multimedia format to happen in the first place, and that, i like a lot.

there’s a fair amount that this fic did quite more than alright, i think. if nothing else, it was useful as a playground that i didn’t have to be too finicky about. it will be one of those projects i’ll look back at someday and laugh deliriously over because how did i think that was the only way to make it work, but with the facilities i had at the time, it’s definitely not a shitshow. it has a lot of heart — which doesn’t necessarily redeem awful works, but in passable ones, those parts of the writing meet each other halfway. please let me love you forever holds its own weight, which is plenty more than i can say for most of my other experiments. plus it contains a background relationship that is not at all the focus of the story yet will probably haunt me forever. it’s always the ones you least expect to matter that will ripple further down the line, etc.

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LOSER TAKES ALL july 2022, tomodachi game trial element | soulmates, mystery au

another unpublished little guy left to rot at one complete chapter. i don’t really have any huge problems with this one, just that i tired of its demands very quickly and didn’t have enough attachment to the dynamics in it to muster up any motivation for. but tomodachi game, and especially yuuichi and kei, are so uniquely positioned for a fic like this, and i don’t resent past me for approaching it this way at all. is a soulmate bond that fosters a telepathic link between people who come back from a brush with death kind of an unhinged premise for a mystery au? yes. but so is remodeling a breakfast restaurant with my mom and the guy i didn’t know confessed to me in high school and who is now literally displaced in more ways than one by said remodeling, and even also acting is all i know so here i am trying to find the love of my life by dating anyone for an entire month on a first come first serve basis only to be shocked when that doesn’t work. 

again. boring yet equally ridiculous elevator pitches. if i cemented anything for a fact from this abandoned wip, it’s that my premises have always been questionable, and that time and time again, the only path forward is to lean all the way into it — which i did with hairpin turns, thankfully. hand in unlovable hand and loser takes all are apart by about a year, and there’s palpable change here in my approach to worldbuilding even if i abandoned each for unrelated reasons. granted, i might just be better suited to one side of speculative fiction than the other, but that’s such a copout. when it comes to trying new things in writing, the “if he wanted to, he would” logic applies, even if the he in question ultimately finds that it doesn’t work the way he wants it to (like in hand in unlovable hand). 

loser takes all worked fine for me, and i loved the inherent intimacy in having two incredibly smart and perceptive characters in each other’s minds while trapped in this soulmate bond that isn’t necessarily romantic. not to mention yuuichi is a deeply unwell person, and his ways of showing attachment to kei range from drastically protective, such as offering to fire the receptionist that was rude to kei, to:

Sometimes, watching Kei asleep right against him, Yuuichi wants to press his lips against Kei’s pulse. To feel it warm and alive under his mouth, to hear that little sigh of ticklish laughter Kei does if someone so much as runs a soft cloth against his neck. 

And sometimes—sometimes Yuuichi is also seized by a strong thought, a strong urge, to sink something sharp into that pulse. His teeth, a fork, a shard of broken glass. Sink it in hard, deep enough to leave a bloody bruise, a scar, a puncture. Hard enough to maybe even sever that heartbeat, to tear it, slit it into silence somehow. Hard enough that it feels almost the kinder choice to imagine himself wrapping his hands around Kei’s neck—tightening them without hesitation, itself a mercy of a kind as the blood quickly drains out of Kei’s cheeks. Yuuichi imagines then how Kei will struggle, whether he’ll kick or bite Yuuichi, if he’ll reverse their positions with one twist of a martial arts trained body, or if he’ll just accept it, resign himself to it knowing that not even this, if it’s Yuuichi, could possibly be meaningless.

But it would be. It would be meaningless to kill Kei. Meaningless because Kei is singular in his position within Yuuichi’s life, loyal and intelligent and a force to be reckoned with like no one else is, not even Yuuichi’s sister, not even the only friend he trusts most. Meaningless because every time Yuuichi pictures it, every time he wonders if he’ll have it in him to press two killer’s hands around Kei’s neck, it doesn’t take long for the accompanying sting to come like a splash of boiling water on exposed skin. A kind of scolding, a kind of reminder, that just as much as it would be difficult for anyone to kill Kei—so impervious to physical harm, whose broken bones and bleeding wounds will always heal even if he jumps off a twenty-story building—it would be just as difficult for Yuuichi to do him harm and survive it without any damage done to his own heart at his own hands. 

the temptation to keep writing this is not entirely absent, to be honest. but a mystery takes care and attention, and i just don’t have that in me the way this story deserves. but this fic was delicious to write, and i think it gave me a hunger to write more dynamics that feel just as juicy. dynamics that aren’t necessarily geared towards healthy love, but ones that ooze if poked anyway. 

i definitely want to revisit the telepathy plot device i explored here someday, but for now, this fic, abandoned wip as it is, is kind of the goldilocks midpoint between failed venture (hand in unlovable hand), almost-passable venture (please let me love you forever), and basically there if being there counts taking your literal first baby step into a new frontier (days of brutalism and hairpin turns).

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HONORARY MENTIONS

i don’t mean to ignore the canonverse fics (here and where you are, i’ll give you something so real, detour, and the two manhwa fics, that is) out of favouritism, but i’m afraid there’s nothing much to say…? not that these weren’t lessons in themselves, but canonverse takes a quarter of the energy and brainpower to write, and i’ll be lying if i don’t go about them essentially all no thoughts, head empty. i talked a bit about here and where you are here, while the logic for detour, which i was happy to write for and based on exchanges with a friend, is pretty self-explanatory. i did love getting to write a character like loid (and i’m relieved that the chapters that follow the ones i took into consideration for that fic hold up the characterization i imagined for him) + it was interesting to give sexual content and the philosophy of desire or whatever a shot in i’ll give you something so real. they were effective at what i needed them to do — which is, really, just to check the temperature of the water. i always feel so rusty when any amount of time passes without me writing, and these small, low-maintenance fics work as a burst of ice cold water before jumping in. i don’t value these fics any less for their place in The Process, and i might even be extra happy when someone likes them, but as far as Advancing The Craft 🤢 goes, all of these are simply necessary bridges to get to the next checkpoint. sometimes you gotta scratch the tip of the pen before the ink starts bleeding like it’s supposed to. words are the same. it takes a while each time to get my writing to a place i recognize, and sometimes a while is an entire fic before i can write the next chapter for an ongoing multi-chaptered story.

(that said: shoutout to the particular flavour of introspection in detour, within which my favourite line was written the literal minute before i sent it off, and a big heart emoji for the fact that i’ll give you something so real unfolds in a span of barely half a day. both are very interesting to think about moving forward.)

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DAYS OF BRUTALISM AND HAIRPIN TURNS january 2023, blue lock trial element | a romantic triad, sci-fi, memory loss (finally!) 

my angel. my darling. my love. who is far from being perfect but is the closest i’ve had to at least being sure i won’t just wake up one day loathing the soul out of it. i’ll laugh at it, probably. i’ll think it’s hilarious and cringy someday soon. but it’s a work i can’t not appreciate wholeheartedly. 

my cc tells me that the first time i put it on record that i won’t mind doing a blue lock fic is may 16, 2022, and the fact that i didn’t even make it a year and did so in the most Hard To Pitch If This Was An Actual Novel And Not Just A Fic For Fun way possible is worth at least a salute of disbelief, i think. my journal from my writing hiatus also tells me i’ve been trying to make memory loss work since 2020 and managed to scratch the itch minutely with here and where you are (which is… a pretty janky piece of work, looking back now) — but i’m just really, really content, even proud, of how i managed to weave it into a fic adapted from a story about football battle royale. 

it’s almost kind of unnerving how satisfied i am with the premise of hairpin turns, even if the execution leaves quite a bit to be desired — as it always will, really, and therein is the joy of finding the next writing project. i laughed a lot at myself while writing hairpin turns, and of all the inside jokes that my works started as, this one is by far the fic to feel most like it — a fun little joke that got funnier and funnier the more of it i wrote, and so i wrote more, chasing that laughter until it was time to catch my breath. and i think with how much i require writing to feel urgent and single-minded to be fun, there’s a part of me that’s easily... bored, for lack of a better word, when something doesn’t give me that. without this fast-paced almost-violence, i get bored and restless, the way i was around all the projects i had lined up after please let me love you forever. i’m making a face as i type that but maybe i just mean to say that there were a good few months there where nothing scratched the itch in need of stimulation. i’d write scenes and they wouldn’t be awful, wouldn’t even be bad, but they weren’t exciting to me. they weren’t thrilling. they didn’t feel like i was dissecting anything, just poking at skin with a scalpel and rolling my eyes when i didn’t draw blood from a dead body — you know? 

but projects have an uncanny way of arriving in your life when you most need it, and just when i have peeled and replaced my wallpaper and assembled and reassembled my keyboards and poked at this manuscript i refuse to rewrite until i did a warm-up that felt substantial enough, the blue lock anime started airing. i knew vaguely what dynamics i wanted to write even back when i had only the manga, but i know i could not have tortured this fic out of me then. not before please let me love you forever, not before loser takes all, not even before all my failed attempts at pitching speculative fiction stories to myself at 3 AM and gritting my teeth at my own disgust. the best aus fall into your lap fully formed and fully realized before you even know what you’ll be shaping it into; they’re a little predestined that way, and aus might be why i owe fanfiction my certainty that the author is just as possessed by the narrative if the narrative has its own pace and direction. i think that’s logic that should be applicable to original projects as well. 

i did hesitate in the very beginning of hairpin turns because sci-fi was such a huge deviation from my comfort zone and i have the misfortune of being both a taurus sun and an enneagram type five. i’ve never tried writing proper sci-fi, not even a little, let alone enough to be comfortable with knowing where to start something that wasn’t merely regular slice of life with a slight sprinkling of specfic. i was sure my writing style wouldn’t be a good match for it. i still don’t think it’s a match, necessarily. my prose is a bit too sentimental for some of the demands sci-fi asked of me — and that’s fine. i wouldn’t know the precise nature of that incompatibility if i hadn’t jumped into the pool of sharks and came out of the tank somehow, disbelievingly, friends with them. i began wary of relying too much on technobabble since i’m not exactly the most stem-oriented person around, but even the background of this au wrote itself, half because blue lock was a shockingly perfect match for the world i had in my mind and half because i found that the technology i imagined for the plot was both possible and easy to break down into the narrative. even now i’m still shocked at how scientifically sound the core pitch of the story is, and the fact that it married itself well to both the overarching plot and the character dynamics i wanted to highlight was just icing on a cake i would have tried to politely finish anyway. 

it could very well be that hairpin turns is just a fluke, its parts too seamlessly glued to each other that i’m not sure it could have been anything else except luck doing the work there, but i think there’s also credit to be found in how nothing is sacred in blue lock. these are characters who have done ridiculous things and said ridiculous things, and it was a matter of matching their energy. therein is the same lesson from loser takes all: if i’ve always known that characters decide the pace, tone and atmosphere of the story and everything else in it, then doesn’t it also go to say that in order to write a story far out of my comfort zone, i need only start with characters far outside of my comfort zone?

i think with au fics in particular, a lot of the work begins with justifying why certain things are in character for them in this universe based on what we know from canon. but because those boundaries are expanded by what blue lock innately is, it doesn’t feel as weird to posit something like, what if you and your android bf get tasked with rescuing his older brother’s android bf and find out along the way that you might also both be in love with your childhood best friend? as with most other of my initial ideas, this quickly spiraled into something significantly different — which luckily for me included the memory loss idea that i’ve been wanting to explore for forever now. proper sci-fi was the perfect backdrop for it, and bachira the perfect person to willingly do it, and isagi and rin the perfect people to be left in the aftermath of that loss. stars aligned, truly. i’m incredibly grateful for it. 

whatever challenges i encountered writing this fic had nothing to do with writing it. it was as smooth to write as it was an absolute pain to edit, because the three povs are so vastly different from each other, and with no outline to mentally check each time i add a new scene, i was reliant on going back and forth again and again to make sure the worldbuilding is cohesive and the plot is coherent. at some point i couldn’t look at it anymore, and it might even be a testament to how much i appreciate the fic that i still can’t look at it now yet cannot deny how fond i am of the final result. 

with sci-fi in particular, it really is a case of faking it till you make it, and whatever lies don’t feed into each other, you can always revisit and adjust later. that’s the common sense magic of fiction, i suppose. there’s a degree of patience i held onto writing hairpin turns that i wouldn’t have had with any other previous work, and i think it benefited me more to have all three chapters written in varying increments, out of my usual linear order, than publishing it chapter by chapter. i had all the room to experiment — what does the world look like in 2070? is 2070 even the right year to set this in? is there anything big happening around that time period? how does the lingo change in the time between present and this potential future? when i run into things that feel too out of my depth to write, like isagi’s pov for instance, do i actually have a justification for saying no other than how it will be easier than trying? are there benefits to giving bachira the final chapter that i’m being biased against because i think it would be a challenge? and between all of these choices, how do i adapt existing blue lock canon, from their playstyles to the favourites listed in the egoist bible, to worldbuilding in other forms of media that i’ve always wanted to try a different approach to? 

i used to think it was unnecessary and superfluous to go into writing something while getting bogged down by stray facts about characters, in both fic and original projects, but at the same time, it’s truly the tiny details that will humanize more than knowing a character’s birthday or what traumatic events lie in their backstory. tiny details that breed more tiny details, until it’s about the fact that bachira and isagi are childhood friends in this au yet when we meet bachira again he’s calling isagi by last name, or how rin understandably questions the validity of his own humanness because we can only assume sae had recreated him in grief or defiance against mortality or whatever other emotion that we’ll never know for sure because we only ever see sae in this fic through rin, and that matters a lot more than if i gave sae a pov — and yet rin manages to love through the small things, in how the warehouse is in an eternal sunset waiting for bachira to return to him and isagi. it’s about how first love, late spring was about learning how to love someone else the way they need you to when you weren’t loved the way you needed to be, but hairpin turns is about how spending your whole life never questioning if you were loved can rob you of the facilities to put a name and shape to what you feel for someone who’s always been in your life. the things you don’t take for granted, necessarily, but you do love for granted by not calling it love.

hairpin turns is about the pieces obscured from view and all the more present because of it. it’s about lost memories, the phantom outline of a person like a haunting. it’s about how sae never once appears in a direct scene yet he looms over rin’s existence. it’s about how rin’s chapter represents the past, isagi’s the present and bachira’s the future, but time matters little in the end — how could it weigh any more, in a story about memory? it’s about the uneasy momentary peace that’s the only scene we can count on as a happy ending. it’s about the lengths you’ll go to get the chance to be ordinary about your love, even if all else about it is unconventional. 

and yet above all, what i like best about this fic is that it works towards questions that feel like being given answers. some of my other fics try to provide answers to its characters and the readers they resonate with, to give them a way to be well-equipped to move forward, while a few other fics settle on non-answers because uncertainty is the only ending there is. but hairpin turns moves outward only to ask more questions, questions that are the answers and the thesis, yet in a way that isn’t strictly open-ended. and i have no fucking clue how i managed it, but this feels like the target i’ve been itching to catch sight of this entire time. this is the kind of story and process i would like to aspire to this year, and even though it had taken me 80k to glean what i needed from it, i’m glad i stayed with this fic as a warm-up. 

anyway. this got a bit away from me, and who knows, maybe this level of pretentiousness is only because i’m still riding the high of affection for my most recent brainchild to make it to college — but i’m not totally blind to the flaws in hairpin turns. the execution of the ending itself is clunky, not because it doesn’t resolve anything but because it does, and by then, the post-rescue section has gone on for long enough that even an ending feels like an epilogue. the story overall lacks complete confidence in what it is, with some parts shadowed by a slight hovering hesitation and others weighed down by a heavy hand showing too much kindness to my non-confidence. it’s never too heavy-handed, and definitely not so much that i’ll send it to the bin, but enough that if i want something to pick apart, there are stray choices hiding in places that i’d circle as an editor for feeling too sentimental, or the tone too dissonant with the pacing, or, ironically, not explored enough. in the genre i’m used to writing, the adrenaline rush is in finding the right balance within a new choreography for a dance style i know well, but in my first real foray into speculative fiction, i think i was just trying to find my footing the whole time. i’m still surprised i made it to the other end of the tightrope, honestly. i didn’t expect to applaud myself for the bare minimum, and i still don’t. 

but all of this is a lesson for me, too. what i do know is that it’s interesting to tell a story about what’s missing, about the unsaid and the unseen, and if that’s what it will take for me to rediscover excitement in what i write so that i don’t have to sink back into the ennui of these last couple of months, then that’s a pretty darn fun goal to spend the rest of the year unpacking. 

[good-beans]

You know what I realized today? I've gathered from dashboard osmosis that the inmates in Milgram are being judged for deaths they're responsible for that don't qualify as murder in a legal sense, right? So... Mondo could totally be an inmate in Milgram World. I don't really know where I'm going with this, but... thoughts on him as an inmate? Like, how might his crimes get treated by the narrative? What music style and symbolism might they use in his videos? (Are there different musical styles? I haven't actually listened to the songs...) Sorry for sticking my special little guy in here lmao, I promise that I'm doing it in a "I'm walking my Littlest Pet Shops through your Barbie Dreamhouse" sorta way.

YES we are mushing our toys together and having a good time :’D Omg always stick your special little guy here!

And that’s exactly it! Five of the prisoners should have been charged with homicide though they have very emotionally charged situations, but the other five have pretty standard lives except that they indirectly/unconventionally took a life – so he would 100% fit. (There’s also a theory I really like that characters only end up in the prison if they personally feel guilty of murder, so it’d work that he felt like he killed someone so he found himself there.) 

He’d have such cool symbols in his video ooh... The videoa have a mix of actual scenes of reality along with a more dreamscape-type area. So you’d have moments from the night of the accident, but he could also be riding his bike surrounded by stylized open highways, traffic lights/signage, car lights, and cityscapes that reveal his recklessness/relationships. Or if those are too similar, his dreamscape could also be a garage where he’s working on – or smashing – his bike. Most characters have a single simple image that's their major symbol, I think his would be a red traffic light.

(I can't think of anything clever at the moment but there could also be a lot to work with for diamonds symbolizing something tough/hard, valuable, and visually distracting)

The songs are all generally pop-y, but there are definitely distinct genres for each character which is super fun! (I do recommend giving the soundtrack a listen even if you don’t get into the story side – all the season 2 songs SLAP lol) And I swear I'm not just saying this because he's my favorite, but Mondo would definitely fit Fuuta’s vibes. It’s the whole “I’m a tough guy and I’ll kick your fucking ass, (but deep down I am actually very human and scared and feel immense guilt over this!!” thing. Bring it On is his more confident intro song and Backdraft is after he’s a bit more fucked up and feeling scared/guitly. 

Story-wise, I think he’d also be pretty similar to Fuuta in that his toughness would put people off at first. There are three seasons/trials (we’re in the middle of the second one rn), and I think his first voice drama would be full of aggression, and then his song would reveal he’s in a gang – causing the audience to think he was just a loudmouthed delinquent needing to be brought down a notch, and vote him guilty. But then season 2 he hits ‘em with the fact that the gang had nothing to do with the death, and it was in fact love that caused it all, and he's a lot more complex. And maybe it’s held off until s3 to reveal it was his own brother, giving that final twist of the knife. From some of the opinions I’ve seen so far, it seems like he’d get a good reception and may make it out! (Though you could stay true to his original tragedy and take the possibility that his final verdict would be guilty :( )

I would walk my barbies back into your littlest pet shop area, but I mean, the main Milgram high schooler character did stab a girl in broad daylight, so I don’t think there’d be much of an interesting investigation there… 😂

#milgram doesnt have any characters shown driving so weve had no roadway/mechanic/city images like that #i think itd work really well! #not like dizzying -- but a lot of motion #fast-paced imagery that the fans need to pause every frame to analyze each passing car #not to be a person making a butter joke but some of the videos have really good food symbolism #if events played out differently he definitely could have had really neat food/melting imagery #fuuta has one of the indirect murders (harassed/doxxed someone online and they died in result) so i dont know howd he be in danganronpa lol #im also thinking about how his jacket would be replaced by a prison-uniform-jacket and the belts could be arranged in a cool #circle/compass on the back... #i have a playlist of all the songs in order if you ever want but its all on their channel as well #thanks pal! sorry it got a bit long -- it was a lot of fun to think about haha! #milgram #danganronpa #ask

[sennaverstappendiary]

canadian grand prix ✩ 18.06.2023

truthfully, this is a race in which i don't remember much of what was happening in the REST of my life while watching it. that's not a bad thing, but it does make these messages shorter. or it would be. if it weren't for ONE thing 😁☝️🌷💌💌💕💕💕✨✨💥💥💥💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️‼️

so, one thing that happened during this race weekend is that i started tagging all the weekends as they were happening! my tag for 2023 canada was canada gp 2023 ‼️‼️‼️🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🌷💕✨🥺 it's so much fun looking back on everything i posted, i'm so glad i made that tagging system work for meeee :3 🍁💌🕊️🥰🥰💥 so from here on out: expect more random photodumps LOL 😁😁😁 and more clear experiences‼️‼️‼️‼️ so that means longer race messages‼️‼️‼️

as for my personal life? idk man same as before. texting emma and quinine all day getting tipsy at 4 pm and writing fanfiction i was very genuinely living my dream life atp. i need to go back this fuckass internship isnt it rn (i am exhausted)... ANYWAY yes life was very very good and i was very excited for this race weekend ✨🌷🕊️🐇🦁

for some reason i decided to watch free practice, which actually turned out to be nice because the pollen made everything VERY interesting :3 🌼🌼🌼 to watch at least LOL it was nice to see the pollen flying arouuundd the wind 🍃🌬️🎐

qualifying was AMAZING... i didn't like to see charles go out early yet again, but what do you do 💔💔💔 the groundhogs were absolutely hilarious though, can't believe i forgot about that jdhjdgfgf ✨✨✨🐿️🇨🇦 and rain!!! rain i like rain my best friend rain 🌧️🌧️🌧️ it was AMAZING seeing alex p1 for a little bit, and it was very fun watching quali with my brother and dad 💕💕🌷🌷🌞🌞 i was very very happy when max got pole, as i always am 🥰🥰🙏🙏💕💕💕 also max was VERY very adorable with fernando after qualifying, leaning into him and just happily maxplaining... my baby boy... my sun... 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺💥💥💥💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️

the race itself was quite decent!! before watching the replay i only really remember being mad because max's gap was "so little" 😭😭😭😭😵😵😵 spoiler alert: it was about 10 seconds AGAGFSDHSFDGSF... whatever i've grown thank god 🙏🙏🙏🌙🌙🌙 what i didn't remember until now was the poor little bird... rest in peace lil guy 🕊️🕊️🕊️🕊️ and max having issues with tyres in cold temperatures (i suddenly remember why i was so scared of vegas) 🌞🌞🌞 i didn't remember george in the wall but i love george in the wall. fyi i fucking love george and i will not tolerate any genuine hate (hyperbole, idc as long as you don't hate max), but i just fjdghjgfdfhgjdh HES SO FUNNYYY 😭😭😭😭😁😁😁😁💥💥💥‼️‼️‼️ max laughing about almost putting it in the wall... you better be grateful youre my sun sweetheart because i was a bit mad at you jghdfjg 😵😵😵😵😭😭😭💥💥💥 him winning made my entire week though 💕💕 other than that obviously the 4433 was INSANE this weekend like WHUH. what happen.... the infamous selfie... the your rear end looks insane........ LOVE WILL PREVAIL... 💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕💕‼️‼️‼️‼️🙏🙏🙏🙏🌷🌷🌷🌷

all in all this race weekend was very nice and good to me, and i appreciate it dearly. i enjoyed it more than i thought i did when i first started with this series, so that's always extra special 💕💕🥰🥰💌💌🙏🙏🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🎐💕✨🌞🦁

✩ song of the race: setsuna trip - last note

this song is just very good okay, and it reminds me of sebastian vettel and around this time i also turned into a seb fan so... it works‼️‼️‼️💌💌💕💕✨✨🙏🙏🙏

✩ extra: a small photodump, including the poor dove that passed away under rocky

#canada gp 2023

[mermaidsirennikita]

thoughts on vulture's "12 romantasy authors to know"? except for jacqueline carey, i feel like they missed the chance to include proper romance/erotica authors.

This list is so boring and lacks innovation or knowledge of romance novels... is my first thought.

My second thought is that it once again underscores how much romantasy is not a subgenre or genre and is in fact a bullshit marketing thing. When I tell y'all this... Trust me when I say I know what I'm talking about, lol. Even if we can trace back to BookTok or many years ago when some blogger coined the term. It's not as organic as it seems. (... very literal online marketing stuff is, but that's another deal).

My opinions on the authors specifically:

Anne McCaffrey. Never read, have honestly never wanted to read, am unimpressed with the author's squeamishness around the dragons getting it on influencing the riders getting it on (and the narration cutting away when the dragons start going at it...)? Anyway, Fourth Wing also does this, and does not cut away from the Violet and Xaden Feelin' The Dragon Love. The excerpt doesn't make me want to read these books, and frankly people I trust don't seem enthused about them; nor would those people classify them as romance.

Marion Zimmer Bradley. I have read The Mists of Avalon, and I liked parts of it (and had severe issues with others) until I found out that MZB was an absolute MONSTER. Like, straight to Hell, do not pass go, MONSTER. I recommend looking at her Wikipedia page for more, but proceed with caution if you're not familiar--CSA. So I find it pretty weird that this person even recommended her here. Like, the little note under "Controversies" is incredibly weird. Maybe just don't recommend MZB. She's not controversial--she is, was, a HIDEOUS, scum of the Earth, vile human being. We can discuss her work and its influence, but this list is positioned as a rec list, and I frankly find that pretty... questionable.

Anyway, for the rest: her books are absolutely not romance, and are actually not even really romantic...? Like, most of the physical relationships in the books are coercive, extremely taboo and forbidden, or physical without involving emotion.

Diana Gabaldon. I think Diana is a talented writer, I'll stand by the fact that Outlander is not a romance unless you stop reading at the first book (which you totally can lol it honestly stands alone), she has disdain for romance while profiting off it, and she is obsessed with SA in her work so. Probably one of the closest things to a romance author here. Also, can I say, I hate "Smut Factor". Smut is such a dumb word to me.

Jacqueline Carey. Haven't read, have heard mixed things about, every romance reader I've seen qualifies this as "it's not a romance, but" lol. Maybe I'll read someday....

Cassandra Clare. Having read a good number of Cassie's books (9, I think?) nope lol. Heavy romantic elements in her books. Not romance novels. Not even a bit.

SJM. I think SJM is again, pretty close to romance? I think she embraces it more (because she's if nothing else a smart businesswoman)? But I find her books not great, and I really do debate their status as romance novels. I mean, having just read a fantasy romance that really did feel like a ROMANCE to me... SJM doesn't seem to hit the same marks.

I will say lol. Still mad about the MZB thing. When you compare the thing under "Controversies" for her compared to Cassie Clare and SJM... I mean, they did bad things, I'm not excusing that. But when you compare them to the actual criminal acts of MZB... Lol why is she here???

Danielle L. Jensen. No complaints from me after A Fate Inked in Blood, she belongs here. Maybe someday I'll try Bridge Kingdom again? But right now, I'm on the Unfated train.

Jennifer L. Armentrout. These do sound like romances, but I've never read them so I can't judge. I hear bad things from one of my friends so I doubt I'll get into them. The one thing I do want to read about is the ritualistic hookup between the heroine and her boyfriend and his best friend...? Which is apparently straighter than it should be? I don't know, dude. That's always a disappointment for me. ALL OR NOTHING.

Scarlett St. Clair. I've read one book by her. She's romance, but I... did not like it.

Naomi Novik. I read Uprooted back in the day. Would not call it a romance, but a fantasy with a romance subplot. Wasn't into it.

Carissa Broadbent. Haven't read. Intrigued?

Rebecca Yarros. I've read Fourth Wing and Iron Flame. They don't reinvent the wheel, they have issues. They're also compulsively readable and I enjoyed them. I'm surprised there aren't any controversies listed here?

Of course. That may be a choice on Vulture's part.

#romance novel blogging

[sunnyrosewritesstuff]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Oh this looks like so much fun! Thank you for tagging me @middleearthpixie.

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 54 😵

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 437,811

3. What fandoms do you write for? Mostly Hobbit, but I have written for Tintin, and a tiny bit of What We Do in the Shadows and Sherlock

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

A Future Bright as Snow- 1,812 Guardian of Kings- 1,368 A Smile for a Cold Spoon- 483 Thirty Minutes to Change Your Life- 466 The Marali Festival- 439

5. Do you respond to comments? Yes! It does take me a little while, but I try to answer each and every one. 😊

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? Oh goodeness, I don't do angsty endings at all. 😂 I've got a few planned that will have some bittersweet endings. But I'm going to say Home was the angstiest ending, and it's mostly just Thorin comforting Dis as she allows herself to cry.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Almost every fic of mine has a happy ending. I don't know that there is one I can qualify as having the "happiest" ending, but One More Little Adventure and Every Wedding Has a Few Disasters are the two that first come to mind.

8. Do you get hate on fics? I have never actually gotten hate on a fic. (knocks on wood)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do write smut, but I don't know how to describe it other than smut with humor. 😂 I've done a little bit of everything when it comes to smut, and here are a few examples:

Breaking the Rules (Haddotin) Living the Hobbit Way (Bagginshield) An Ill-Timed Giggle (Bagginshield) Webcam (Bagginshield)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? I've not really written any crossovers yet, but I have one in the planning stage which would be a Hobbit/Dungeon Meshi crossover. I don't think it's all that crazy though. 🤣

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not to my knowledge.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not to my knowledge.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? I HAVE! I actually love getting to collab with other authors, and am very thankful for the Hobbit: An Unexpected Collaboration event for getting the chance to do so.

They Stole My Heart (Along With the Rest of Him) with @lordoftherazzles What Happened in 30C and Secrets in the Blue Mountain Apartment with @thotinshield

14. What’s your all time favorite ship? Definitely Bagginshield 😉

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? I haven't quite labeled it as abandoned because ideally I'd like to get back to it, but it would be really special circumstances and that's Once Upon a Dream.

16. What are your writing strengths? I feel like characterization and humor are things I excel at and definitely have had people comment on it before.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Transitions and just adding enough prose. I tend to talk through dialogue and I feel like my stories miss that extra little 'ah!' that would make them special.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? I mean, I add Khuzdul or Sindarin when I want to enhance that aspect of the character's culture and understanding, but other than that I don't really mess with other languages.

19. First fandom you wrote for? LOL calling me out, but for Mario Bros I wrote A LOT of Daisy/Luigi.

20. Favourite fic you’ve written? AHH! Asking me to choose my best child here. 😭 Okay, I'm going to list out my top 5 favorites:

Home (my first gen Hobbit fic) Guardian of Kings (my first finished multi-chapter fic; so proud!) A Lesson Carved in Stone (I really loved playing with Fili's POV) The Different Shades of Bilbo's Love (the SYMBOLISM I USED!!) Ambassador to Madness (even though its a WIP)

Tagging: @lucigoo @conkers-thecosy @domesticgoddesswriter @fantasyinallforms @lordoftherazzles and @thotinshield and of course if I missed you, please do it and tag me so I can see your answers! 😍

#tag you're it #writing stuff #the hobbit #bagginshield

[fff777]

just a reaction post on jaemin being a PE teacher

jaemin: lmao i am not qualified for this

i did hear that jaemin's mom was a teacher

contrary to what he said, i feel like haechan could be a good teacher because he would keep the students engaged, but that would depend on whether he was serious about staying on topic lol. if he was intent on goofing off then ah, maybe not ^^;;

jeno a math nerd eh

lmao mark arguing with the teacher about english

he's so amused

i've never seen a chalkboard eraser cleaning machine. i think we just washed them manually lol. definitely did in elementary school.

principal getting nervous on camera ^^;;

jaemin asking the important questions about a PE teacher's uniform

the other teacher working at his desk who's also listening in on the convo lol

teacher: please study these textbooks intensively jaemin: ...yes...of course...

teacher wonpyo wrapped the badminton grip :P

lol teachers wearing their whistles in their pockets because it's cool. definitely saw my fair share of folks in university having the lanyards of their keys sticking out of their pockets.

teacher teaching jaemin how to turn a mistake into an opportunity XD i remember i had a substitute teacher who told us how whenever they got a question they didn't know the answer to, they'd flip it back to the students as a discussion question lol. teacher tricks.

also always finish a little early because you'll be popular with the students

...is jaemin referring to all the students with -ie at the end? am i missing a korean grammar thing or is he cute-ifying all of their names lmao.

ok i see what the program means. their idea was that students would focus more if their favourite celebrities were their teachers. i was skeptical because i think i would just be kind of dazed seeing my favourite celeb up close. but i think the idea is that they try harder when they like their teacher XD like i would definitely want to impress my teacher if i liked them lol.

he thinks the kids are cute XD

explanation of badminton and its history. i actually didn't know it came from india. despite having played badminton throughout middle school and high school.

i do remember hearing somewhere that jaemin did play badminton so i think he does have the above average knowledge on badminton to teach it a bit

jaemin missing the basket after two students got it on first try ^^;;

that girl who's really good has probably trained in badminton before hehe

i feel like lunch with teachers could be really juicy for gossip lol

excellent for gas emission

i can see why kids don't have name tags now, especially with social media. you could film a video with students and now everyone knows those students' names. some of the students in the class were wearing face masks too. i don't know if it's because they knew they were going to be on TV.

PE teacher just doesn't remember the kids' name ToT

LOL relatable

lol this PE teacher is fun

now one-on-one counselling time with students

so fucking excited to hear the tea on high school romance

now i'm wondering if this situation is real or if they just made it up for the show ^^;;

yeah he does seem that way, he seems like the guy to turn everything into an opportunity

mister romantic

oh this was filmed on white day, a few weeks ago then

he is sooooo into this XD

aw, i feel for the second student, the vp of the student council...i had a bad relationship with my older brother too for a very long time.

the plot twists with this student just keep coming

meirl after making a phone call

third student wants to ask about career concerns

jaemin creating a scenario for the student to act in lmao

jaemin: we are best friends now

#screencaps & commentaries #nct #nct dream #na jaemin

[mlobsters]

supernatural s14e18 absence (w. robert berens)

DEAN Well, hey, here's to another miraculous Sam Winchester survival. Got to say, man, if Jack hadn't have healed you…

one might say it's getting a little absurd but whatever

i have zero idea how this is gonna shake out, with the kinda accidentally killing mary because she was gonna rat him out to the boys situtaion.

DEAN You know, lately, it feels like we'd be up the creek without that kid. I mean, first, he takes care of Michael and then Nick. SAM Kind of sounds like you're bummed about it. DEAN No. "Get out of jail free" card? I'll take that.

don't think it's the case here really because killing nick seemed pretty darned justified at this point but have noticed when there is a moral quandary to be had over killing someone, it's usually someone else that actually does it these days. if blog search actual functioned, you could get a number of results for quandary :p

so the cas not telling sam and dean about jack being clearly not right has come back to bite him in the ass.

LUCIFER Yeah. I'm your, you know, subconscious or whatever. Y-You whipped me up to help you figure this out.

so does jack get a hallucifer too then? (transcript says nick but it's lucifer)

LUCIFER All right? Buddy, you killed Mary Winchester. You cannot come back from that, and you know it. All right? You've been flapping your wings all around, trying to run away from what you did, and where'd you wind up? Right here, right back to the scene of the crime. JACK No. LUCIFER Yeah. Yeah, because somewhere inside, you realize that the sooner you accept it, the easier it'll be. JACK No, it's -- It was an accident. LUCIFER Okay. Tell Sam and Dean that. I'm sure they'll understand. It's not like family isn't everything to them

subconscious makes points

music while they're searching the cabin for jack/mary/dead nick is good. reminds me of hmm. modern thriller during a spooky/unsettling scene music. lol (it's christopher lennertz and tim wynn on music this ep. confirming yet again i am scores more likely to enjoy lennertz's score vs jay gruska's)

moments like this where it's like i can see the promise of what this show could be. a scene that's genuinely unsettling. slowing down and not focusing on this breakneck knee deep plot machinations, but setting a scene where the emotional tension that we know mary is dead and we're dreading them finding her, and finding this instead. dunno. it was very effective (and the music continued to be appropriate)

CASTIEL I know you know this, Mary, but, um, Sam and Dean -- they're -- they're glad to have you back. Whatever you still have to deal with and however long it takes, you should know they're happy. I mean, finally, they don't have to be so, um, so alone. MARY Castiel. They were never alone.

um, i think that's a bit of a stretch lol. cas was not around that much, and when he was it wasn't always good. they had bobby, lost bobby. have jody but see her even less. they've been hobbling between meager support systems for a while. cas only seems to really qualify in that way visibly onscreen in the past season or two at most? they talked him up but we didn't see it much.

DEAN Might have been Lucifer. Nick was trying to bring him back. SAM Yeah, but Jack said-- DEAN Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- then you're dead to me.

well. we know dean gets over shit pretty fast when it comes to the core group all things being equal, so i imagine he'd come around in a moderate amount of time. not like cas is ultimately culpable, not like when he broke sam's wall, for instance. it was a fuckup, but would jack have done something awful inadvertently-ish even if sam and dean knew right away when cas found out he definitely was off? ehh. everyone knew he wasn't acting quite right. but all bets are off when the person getting killed is mary (or heaven forbid, sam)

DEAN No, he knew. He knew something was wrong with the kid. He knew it, and he didn't tell us! He didn't even tell us! CASTIEL I was scared. I believed in Jack for so long, I I believed that he was -- he was good. I -- I knew that he would be good for the world. And he was good for us. My faith in him, it -- it never wavered, and then I-I saw what he did. It wasn't malice. It wasn't evil. It was like Jack saw a problem, and in his mind, he just solved it with that snake. DEAN The snake?! CASTIEL What he did wasn't bad. It was the absence of good. And I saw that in him. But we were a family, and I didn't want to lose that, so I thought I could fix it on my own. Felt like it was my responsibility. So I left. And I didn't tell you. If I could go back and just -- just talk to him right then and there, I would. But I can't, Dean. I failed you. And I failed Jack. And I failed --

cas, friend. you do not have a great track record with fixing stuff on your own. but i get it. but also, if you're trying to keep your family together, gotta communicate!

gonna try to resurrect mary with rowena, ok. i didn't see that coming

JACK I killed Mary. I-It was an accident. I-I didn't mean to. I just -- I just wanted her to be quiet. I just wanted her gone, but only for a second. And I just. I thought it. It all happened so fast. I need to undo it. You need to help me undo it.

you know i was thinking about this last night. and i think about the same kind of thing fairly regularly. mary could see she had reason to be scared of jack after the cruel way he killed nick (which everyone is a lot more upset about than i anticipated but ok). yet she still wouldn't lie to him about not telling sam and dean. an unstable, infinitely powerful child, essentially. and i think about the way that some people respond to people that are being aggressive or whatever. and you know, when you're someone that has been abused (like myself) sometimes you come away with a pretty ingrained fear of anyone acting off to do anything to avoid setting them off. i know that's not everyone's experience, for sure. but that was kind of an essential survival coping mechanism for me that's carried through. it doesn't serve me well in a lot of every day social conflict potential situations, but it is one that i think can sometimes keep you from getting killed 🤪

MARY Sam, everyone here understands what you've been doing and what you've been putting yourself through. SAM Yeah, I know, but Jack's been through a lot -- you know, losing his powers.And I haven't really been there for him.Sorry, Mom. I don't mean to lay all this on you. MARY No. Are you kidding? It's nice knowing I'm not the only one with parental guilt. How much did the two of you go through when I wasn't there for you? And even when Amara brought me back and I got a second chance, things got complicated. I got complicated. SAM Mom. MARY No, I'm just saying parenting is always a struggle.

heard. it's a struggle even when not these extraordinarily complicated and bizarre situations they're in.

SAM Dean, it wasn't just Cas. It wasn't. We knew Jack was dangerous. We always knew. Long before he killed Michael. You more than anyone. I mean, from the very beginning, you knew. But, you know, we fell for him 'cause he had a good heart and a good soul. Then he didn't. And that's on me, too, by the way. I mean, I'm the one who made the call to bring him back. He didn't ask for that. I decided for him. And you warned me. DEAN No, you didn't know, okay? We didn't know. SAM Exactly. We didn't know. But -- he had become our family. You know, after Maggie and the other Hunters died I just left. Just dumped Jack on Cas and left. I knew. I mean, I knew something was gonna I just didn't know it'd be this. DEAN I did it, too. When I talked to Donatello about Jack, he said he was good as far as he could tell. But then he talked about how powerful Jack was and that he could never really be sure. And it was a warning. I just couldn't see it.

i appreciate that they're both taking accountability

well. i guess they get some closure at least, having a body. i think by rights this should be upsetting me, but it isn't? nothing like the this season's absolute disaster of jack dying originally and dean hellbent on committing suicide/eternal torture. that was like. 3 solid episodes of ugly crying my way through them.

LUCIFER Well, I warned you. It's worse -- trying and failing. There's no going back. You realize that now. Cas, Sam, Dean they're never gonna trust you again. And you know what that means. What? You can never trust them.

the flaming hoops this show will jump through to keep pellegrino around!

is that mary with the baby one new? can't recall. they've added a few here and there past several seasons

glad they kept it to just the 3 of them, writer's 2nd draft script linked on wiki

SAMUEL WINCHESTER you better have a copy of that picture elsewhere before you burn it. you have so little of her! see, there you go, that's how you made me upset. thanks, show. push straight into the weepy montage of happy mary moments

?? that felt very... forced. whole scene did to me, but that was the icing on the cake

i liked mary, but never really connected with her i don't think. kind of like bobby, but even less to go on. don't blame samantha smith in the slightest, i think it's how they wrote her. she was great at the emotions. but this episode largely left me feeling 😐

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 14x18 #robert berens #christopher lennertz #tim wynn #spn musical score

[novafire-is-thinking]

Brainstorm is a poor meow meow. He makes all these inventions that are, well they're crazy, but even though they keep getting rejected he still makes these crazy things and tries to get them approved still. He has a collection of strange things that are just plain illogical. However, his most poor meow meow thing is that he spent a huge huge long time inventing a working time travel device to go into the past. This guy became the worst double agent because he wanted access to Decepticon supplies for this invention. Brainstorm made a time machine to save a guy whom probably didn't know he existed. Yet Stormy is willing to commit to supplying the cons with bad intel, just so he can build a time machine to save someone he has a huge crush on. Also, spoilers, when the time machine is complete, he fails in this huge probably millions of years project he's been working on. He doesn't save his crush, but got to see him one last time from a distance. Brainstorm changed his mind after seeing a friend die and thought "why save one person, when he can go back and save alot more." This poor meow meow tried to kill baby Megatron and spoilers again! Brainstorm who makes guns that do the most craziest of things. This guy hasn't killed anyone before; when standing in front of a defenseless and helpless Megatron, Brainstorm couldn't pull the trigger. Also plot twist! The original spark that was in the bot, it isn't the one that makes him become Megatron. (Someone else shoots baby Megs). So the reason Megatron even becomes "Megatron the warlord" is because Brainstorm time traveled. If he didn't do the time traveling that made the others follow him, the original wouldn't have been destroyed; the spark that is Megatron wouldn't have been put in because someone else wanted to fix that someone else shot baby Megatron.

It would be a huge spoiler if I said where that spark came from, who actually shot baby Megs, and who saved Megs from dieing.

Brainstorm is poor meow meow because he tried to save people, knowing full well he wouldn't be born if baby Megatron died. In fact no MTOs will be born. Yet his crush, who isn't cold constructed, will live and not die a horrible death in a Decepticon prison.

Hmmmmm

I am familiar with the entire lovesick Brainstorm saga, yes.

He certainly has the vibes of a poor little meow meow, but I think it might be a bit of a stretch to put him in the bracket with the likes of Starscream, Tarn, and other “super meow meows.” (gosh, I feel so ridiculous using this term lol)

However, I did put Rodimus in there (whom I’d place in the same low-level tier as Brainstorm), and I somehow decided he had enough meow meow energy to qualify. I think I know what I must do…

I’ve already made my decision, but I’m curious what others think.

#tf plmm poll #asteroid belt of asks & answers #idw brainstorm

[hartshorn-and-isinglass]

Nothing makes me feel old like realizing that I like Oistrakh quite a bit more now. When I was young, my favorite old master was Grumiaux and I felt like Oistrakh was specifically the kind of dude you appreciated more when you got older. (Very normal teenager opinions to have there, Marve.) And welp, here I am. I dunno, I think it's a particular flavor of warmth that didn't resonate with me when I was young and hungry and perpetually teetering on the verge of burnout.

Story time because fuck it, it's my blog I do what I want (but still under the cut to be nice about it):

If you're familiar with the Bay Area, the reason why I have such insane memories of high school orchestra class is because I went to Lowell. Yeah, that Lowell. Put a bunch of overachiever kids in a pressure cooker magnet school and you get some highly competitive orchestra classes. The first violin section, unsurprisingly, was made up of the cream of the overachieving crop, most of whom were planning on being either pre-med or engineering in college even though they could have easily all been music majors. And then there was my dumb ass once I made it to the first violin section, LOL. I honestly wasn't sure I was even going to make it alive to the end of high school to have a career. Violin was my lifeline and I threw everything I had into it, for better and worse.

The hilarious irony about all of this is my parents were actually not as proud of my violin achievements as they pretended to be. I don't know if I've conveyed to you what a bunch of insane freaks they were, but according to their plan I was supposed to become a piano prodigy. So when I decided in middle school that I hated piano and wanted to play violin instead, it was not received well. To their credit, once they saw I was serious about it they did get me my own instrument and some private lessons, but my mom did try to convince me to quit at several points, and my dad still has an entire-ass complex about it.

Hell, I was ambivalent about going to Lowell at all. I applied because my district assigned public high school was just that bad. That other school eventually was shut down for "underperforming", that's how bad it was. Knowing that Lowell had a good music program was my consolation for all the other shit I was about to put myself through. The secret of Lowell is that it's not the teachers or the facilities; both of those things were absolute shit when I was there (the music teachers were all cool tho). It's the kids. They know the reputation of the school they're going to. They know they'll be expected to apply to prestigious universities when they're seniors. It's the kids who are, sometimes literally, killing themselves to play this ridiculous rat-race game that they've been set to by their parents.

This is all to say that at a time in my life when I had very little control over anything and was profoundly depressed about it, I realized that I did have control over how much and how often I practiced, so I just kinda... maxxed that out. Time in the practice room was time spent on the one thing in my life that didn't suck nearly as much as everything else. It was time spent somewhere safe. It was time spent cultivating hope for the future. I used to describe it as an "emotional crutch" in a very ableist way when I was younger but now I look back on it in the sense of a more literal mobility aid, as the thing that kept me moving when I would have otherwise collapsed.

You know, I still don't feel "qualified" to say that violin has been a major part of my identity... despite it being my first act of rebellion, despite me pulling a literal Ling-Ling up the violin ranks in high school because I felt like I had nothing else to live for, despite somehow finding my way back to it after decades of being convinced I was done... don't laugh, but I still feel like I really should be better at violin than I am for all the meaning it has held for me. I gotta find that solution for my right hand issues, man! I have to make up for lost time! I have to git moar gud so the Muse will notice me. Haha whoops my hand slipped there-

#personal #tw suicide mention #Marve won't shut up about violin

[plothooksinc]

fic writer's asks: 💫?

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

First let me go on record as saying ANY. ANY IS GOOD. I get nervous and discouraged very easily, which tends to make me clingy where comments are concerned so every sign of actual engagement with my work makes me very relieved. However, I know how hard it is to comment on stuff when you aren't operating on a full bandwidth--me leaving comments to other people has always felt like pulling teeth, I am so bad at being eloquent-- so I'm also not going to be like "how dare you" if you don't? I understand and my insecure brain can just go shut up and sit in the corner for a bit, that's all.

To qualify that though-- my absolute favourites are the ones where readers quote back lines to me and tell me why that resonated, because I get to sit there and cackle and know that I've hit the correct targets, as it were. Or reviews that are distinctly designed to make me laugh because trust me, I will be cackling about that gif you left me for literal days. |D I am not picky! I will take any and all commentary. I don't mind people questioning why I did things. I don't mind suggestions.

I do get vaguely annoyed at criticism which is pointless? Or the occasional left field comments that come out of nowhere like call me a bitch for deleting my slave fic (I??? never wrote one of those???) or tell me it's very clear that I wrote Underdark because I secretly ship Mikey/Leo (miss me with that entirely thanks) but most other things I am happy to see rock up in my inbox even if it's as simple a comment as "lol yoyo splinter", which tells me very little but does tell me you at least giggled at something.

Thank you!

Fic writer ask meme here.

#ask meme #writing #I like comments! #I'm literallly like the 'commint??' cat for the first day after I post #plays havoc with my sleep cycle