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seasonsbloom · 2 years

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swimming into you . bob

PART ONE : he's so pretty (when he goes down on me)

pairing ; bob floyd x female!reader

synopsis ; things between you and Bob are strictly business: he’s your backseater, and that’s all there is. Until he offers to help you let off some steam and you find out just how pretty he looks between your thighs…

wc ; 6k

warnings ; 18+ only; explicit language, angst, panic attack, reader definitely has PTSD, mentions of past character death

note: this has no smut which might be a surprise after the first part, sorry. but this needed off my chest, so... idk. i hope you enjoy it anyway, please don't be disappointed

desertsagecelestial aka sol i STILL owe you my life

Your life is a downward spiral, a maelstrom that pulls you ever deeper towards rock bottom, a rollercoaster on an eternal decline, a plane mid-crash, a…

“I swear to god, Spec, you’re the most dramatic person I’ve ever met,” Phoenix says, squinting at you over the rims of her sunglasses. “And I know Hangman personally.”

You can’t answer because you’re staring at those Ray Bans, and it’s making you think of Bob’s glasses in that bathroom, lenses fogged up, metal pressing against your naked skin, makes you think of sliding them up his nose, and then you’re thinking of his fingers and his tongue and his voice against you, and…

“Bro, are you dissociating?” Phoenix has tilted her head sideways. “Do I need to get you a doctor? What the hell is going on?”

It’s a sunny day, but that’s not surprising in California. You’re in the common room, lounging on nondescript beige couches. Outside the glass front, somewhere in the sky, Rooster and Hangman try and fail to shoot down Maverick. The radio crackles with the static of their comms, spitting out their taunts in endless circles nobody listens to anyway.

The other pilots are on standby in the hangar, and Bob is… god knows where. You hate that you’re so attuned to his every move now you notice even when you don’t know where he is. Part of you wants to write it off as the blind loyalty that comes with flying a two-seater, but you know that’s not true.

For a moment, you just look at Phoenix. Then you say, “Do you think Bob is good in bed?”

She blinks at you. A moment passes, then another, then…

“Specter, what the fuck?!”

You shrug. “I’m just asking.”

“Jesus.” Phoenix rubs the balls of her hands across her eyes like her head is about to split apart. “Why would you ever ask that?”

Because he ate me out in the Hard Deck’s handicapped bathroom, and I think it broke my brain, permanently altered my body chemistry, changed my actual life…

“Just… I don’t know. I was wondering.”

“Well, stop wondering,” she suggests. Then she gives you a suspicious look. “Did something happen between you two?”

You turn your gaze to the window, to the contrails like smoke signals on the canvas of the skies, to the roaring of engines that’s become your lullaby, to the sight of Bob crossing the airfield. Something in your chest hurts. Everywhere you look, he’s already there.

“No,” you say. “Nothing happened.”

The first time you met Bob, you looked right past him. There were bigger fish to fry here and bigger things to look out for, and Hangman was grinning at you and saying something stupid, so you walked by him without even realizing he was there.

He’s got a habit of that - flying under the radar.

“Yo, Specter.” Phoenix draped herself around you, pulled you against her chest. You were both giddy to see each other again, to fly together once more. “This is Bob. He’s your new backseater.”

You don’t remember much. Remember only that he wore glasses and was smiling at you with something eager, something hopeful about his face. Remember looking away immediately, nodding once.

“Don’t try to get in my way up there,” you told him, and then you turned away to beat Hangman at darts.

Ignoring the way his face fell. Ignoring Phoenix nudging you. Ignoring the sinking, tumbling, crashing feeling in your chest.

It was the beginning of the end, and you knew even then.

Sometimes you think Rooster knows.

He’s always been kind to you, kind enough to keep you hoping at the same time it tells you not to dream too much. He’s kind to everyone, anyway.

“Why’d you wanna be a pilot?” he asks, waving down a bartender and putting both your drinks on his tab.

For a moment, you think about telling him the truth. All my life, I’ve been dreaming of flying away. All my life, I’ve been dreaming of escape.

It seems too much. You’ve never told anyone.

So you just shrug, take a swig of your beer, and say, “I like the thrill.”

Rooster laughs. “I know what you mean,” he agrees, winks, knocks his bottle against yours.

And just like that, the door is opened again. You dream the dream a little longer.

Part of the Rooster appeal, part of why you suspect your crush is so persistent, is that there’s no way it’ll ever happen. All of the thrill of the fall, with none of the fear of the impact.

“We need to talk about it.”

You’re fastening your helmet as you stride across the runway towards your plane. Maybe if you walk fast enough, you’ll be able to shake him.

“No,” you growl, but it’s diminished by the fact that you’ve been struggling with your clasp for a good minute. Your fingers are shaking too hard for you to get a steady grip.

Bob hastens his steps and catches up with you easily. His shoulder rubs against your own, and your breath catches in your throat.

“Specter,” he begins, but you cut him off.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Floyd.” It doesn’t matter how angry you sound. It doesn’t matter how the irritation boils and burns in you. Inevitably, inexplicably, your mouth always begins to form the Big Boy anyway, and then you’re back in that bathroom, back with him, and in your head, you pull him closer instead of pushing him away, and something about it makes you feel like crying. “It doesn’t matter.”

You stop by the plane. Bob’s lips purse, and he looks down at his feet, shoulders pulled almost all the way up to his ears.

“I just think…” he begins, then stops himself.

Payback and Fanboy walk past, getting to their own aircraft, and they’re laughing and chatting—jovial, easy, light-hearted. You envy them. You can’t remember the last time things didn’t feel heavy to you.

Only that’s a lie too. You do remember. It was with Bob Floyd’s face buried in your pussy and your mind somewhere off in the stratosphere.

“Shit,” you curse, frustration coursing through you, fingers still fumbling with the damned clasp, and fuck it all, you just want to fly, you don’t want to think, you don’t want to feel, you just…

Bob knocks your fingers out of the way and closes the clasp for you. Suddenly, he’s so close you can smell him again—your chest burns.

“Specter,” he says, voice soft, “we need to discuss it.”

You swallow around the lump in your throat.

“You promised we wouldn’t talk about it,” you whisper. He seems to want to say something else, but you can’t. You just can’t do it. The fear is there, and it’s making your head spin. “Please, Bob.”

Something about those words is choked. Raw.

He looks at you for a moment, brows furrowed, eyes gentle, and then he nods. Steps away. Doesn’t say anything else.

You climb into the plane and wonder when, oh, when, did it all get so complicated.

Phoenix looks at you like she thinks you’re going to fall apart right where you sit. You hate it.

“You can talk to me, you know?” she says softly, leaning across the table in the mess hall, deep enough her chest almost ends up in the mashed potatoes. “You don’t always have to keep everything inside, Spec.”

It’s not true. That’s your first thought. You can’t talk to her, can’t talk to Bob, can’t talk to anyone. No one, you know this, is going to understand you now.

Your second thought is that you’re a horrible person. Phoenix is kind and genuinely wants to be your friend. She’s been extending hands across canyons for years now. But you just can’t take them. Too afraid you’ll drag her down into the drop with you.

“I hooked up with Bob,” you say, even though you should be telling her something else.

She obviously doesn’t know what to say to that. Opens her mouth just to close it again. Then finally settles on, “Why?”

Part of you wants to say you were the one who told me to let off steam. But this one, you can’t blame it on her. Can’t blame it on anyone but yourself.

“I don’t know,” you say with a shrug.

But you do know. That’s the problem.

You think of him on his knees in that bathroom. You think of him at your back in the air. How he breaks you apart. How he puts you back together.

“You know,” Phoenix says after an incredibly long time. “I always thought you had a crush on Rooster.”

It makes you laugh, even though it isn’t funny. Not even a little. Not even at all.

“Yeah,” you say. “Yeah, so did I.”

“So, Bob,” Hangman says, grinning in a way you can’t describe as anything other than villainous. If he, too, had a mustache, he’d be twirling it right about now. “Who do you prefer flying with: Phoenix or Specter?”

This was a horrible idea. Evenings at the Hard Deck should be barred for you from now on.

“Oh, come on,” you groan, going for nonchalance even as something inside you goes taut.

Bob looks decidedly uncomfortable, twisting his beer bottle around in his hands, fiddling with the soggy label, not looking at anyone.

“Uhm.” He shrugs. “They’re both good.”

Hangman’s having none of it.

“Nah, nah, nah, none of that diplomacy shit, Floyd. Gotta pick one.”

Coyote, always the shit-stirrer, claps a hand on Bob’s shoulder. “Yeah, bro. Who’s your best girl?”

Before responding, Bob casts his eyes down towards the floor, clears his throat. His glasses are riding low on his nose again, and you sink your fingernails into your palms to stifle the instinct to reach over and push them up for him.

“I guess… well, Phoenix is more consistent. Specter always… she’s a…. she’s a li…”

“Say it.” The words just burst from you before you can remember deciding to say them. Bob looks up then, eyes wide and face open. Your voice is venomous, and you feel like a rattlesnake about to strike. “A liability. That’s what you wanted to say, isn’t it?”

For a moment, Bob and you just stare at each other.

“I didn’t say that,” he says, voice gone soft. He’s going translucent as you speak, blending back into the chaos of the crowd.

“You didn’t have to.”

Everybody’s staring at you, but you keep your chin held high.

“I’m going home,” you say, and then you leave.

“You’re going too steep.”

Bob doesn’t have much hope that you’ll listen to him. You never do, apparently, unless he’s got you pinned to public bathroom doors.

It’s like a fever dream to him now, that night. Impossible that he was ever so close to you when all there is between you these days is distance and feelings tangled like thickets of thorns. When you won’t talk to him and won’t look at him, when it doesn’t matter what he says or asks.

Unsurprisingly, your answer is almost instantaneous. “We’re fine.”

The first time Bob met you, he couldn’t stop looking at you.

You were beautiful, in your uniform, under the bar lights. Beautiful and bright and brilliant and as decidedly out of his reach as the moon. You didn’t even look at him twice, not even after Phoenix introduced you. Drifted into his life and out of it like the specter that gave you your callsign.

And Bob never believed in love at first sight, still doesn’t, but there was something there, something beneath the thin veneer of arrogance you wore, you still wear. Something just under the surface, he thinks nobody but him sees—something he wants to keep as his secret.

You’re brilliant. The best pilot he’s ever met (even if half his friend group would balk at the idea), determined, clever, cut-throat. Stubborn to a fault. Witty and funny and always ready to stand up for yourself. The complete opposite of him.

Most of the time it’s admiration and curiosity, and then sometimes, it’s something else. When you slip from untouchable Ice Queen to something softer, when you lose yourself in the sky, in a book, in his touch in a bathroom at the Hard Deck… when you feel like nobody’s looking, that’s when Bob thinks he might love you.

Bob is a pilot. He gets up into that sky, and sometimes he deludes himself into thinking one day, one day, he’ll fly high enough, stretch far enough, and then finally, he’ll reach that moon. It’ll never happen, of course. The moon stays firm, beautiful and bright and brilliant, and achingly, eternally lonely. Never his to have.

The plane keeps climbing, steady, steady, steady, and Bob can barely breathe.

“Specter,” he chokes out. “Come on, girl.”

And then suddenly, abruptly, tipping like a pendulum, the plane falls. It’s an almost artful arch at the beginning, a ballerina angling her body towards the ground in a jump, and it leaves his stomach hanging somewhere above his head.

Then something changes. You keep falling.

“Specter, time to pull up,” Bob says, twisting to try and find Mav. Where is he?

There’s no answer.

“Specter,” he repeats, thinking you’re ignoring him for another reckless stunt, for another moment of you trying to recapture glory.

Still, you don’t respond, and that’s when he realizes something is horribly, terribly, awfully wrong.

“Specter!” he calls a third time, and now there’s a note of panic creeping into his voice he’s sure the others can pick up on over the coms. “Specter, you with me?”

The ground keeps hurtling closer. You keep silent.

“Bob.” That’s Mav’s voice, over the comms, right in his ear. “What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Bob gasps, and he’s breathless, he’s chafing, he’s… “She’s not… Specter!”

“Is she in g-Loc?” Rooster asks.

Rooster, Bob thinks. He twists, searching the horizon for his friend, but he can barely see anything. His vision has gone blurry.

And you’re still, still, still spinning towards the ground.

“Specter,” Bob says again, and he’s never known fear like this before. Not the first time he flew on his own. Not when he and Natasha had to punch out. Not when Mav and Rooster went down. Not ever. “Specter!”

And then he’s just saying your name, your real name, your first name, the one he’s said a million times in his head and never out loud, straining against all the buckles as if he can reach you, stretching out his arm over a distance impossible to breach.

“Bob!” That’s Rooster again. “Bob, you gotta punch out, you gotta eject now!”

I can��t leave her. That’s all he thinks. I can’t leave her, I can’t leave her, I can’t…

And Bob isn’t religious, never has been, but he’s saying, “Please, wake her up, please, God, I’ll do anything, please wake her up, please….”

You come to with a gasp like tires screeching on the asphalt, like a choir of angels or something, and then you’re pulling up, you’re getting the plane back on track, you’re…

In his ear, you’re saying, “Sorry. I… sorry.”

Bob sobs.

He knows you won’t acknowledge it before you land. He knows you’ll play it off, smile about it, laugh like nothing happened.

But he saw the tremor of your hands. He heard the fear in your voice. You can’t hide because he’s seen too much of you. Because he knows you, even if you don’t want him to.

“Specter,” he says, racing after you across the runway towards the hangar.

Everybody’s there, standing in a crowd near the doors. Pale faces, drawn with a panic that should be familiar by now, that’s part of this job. A panic nobody ever gets used to.

“I’m fine,” you say. You’re smiling, but it’s strained, and it’s a lie. He knows it is.

And Bob is angry. Angrier than he’s ever been with you because it’s not fair, not fair that you’re shutting him out, always shutting him out when all he wants is to hold you, be there for you, love you…

“You almost died!” Bob calls, voice rising, and he’s pretty sure there are still tears on his face. At least his cheeks feel wet.

Everybody’s looking at him. He can feel their eyes on him.

Usually, it would be enough to make him want to draw his head all the way between his shoulder blades, but not right now. Not with that feeling still simmering in his belly. Not with the feeling of that plummet still in his bones and the echoing silence of the cockpit in his ears.

You stop. For a moment, you gape at him. Then you say, “You would have died, too.”

He’s shaking his head before you’ve finished, frantic, saying, “I could have punched out, you were in g-LOC, you would have died, Specter, this isn’t funny, this isn’t a game, this is real….”

“I can handle myself,” you say, but something about your voice is chafing.

“I think what we just saw,” Rooster says, face solemn, arms crossed in front of his chest, “proves that even you can’t always handle yourself, Specter.”

By your hips, your hands clench and unclench into fists. Your whole body seems to pulsate to a rhythm nobody but you can hear, shoulders heaving, head nodding up and down.

You’ve always stood apart from them, even as you stood right next to them. Never letting anybody in.

I can help you, Bob wants to say. You don’t need to carry it alone.

But you’re shaking your head, pulling the helmet against your chest. Stand on that runway, a step from him, a million miles from him.

“I’m fine,” you insist one last time. Voice like a wind chime. Face like a ghost.

And Bob thinks it might be time to let the moon go.

A week later, Hangman goes down.

Birdstrike, both engines on fire, ejectejecteject, static on the radio, fire streaking across the sky, then the parachute opening and the wind howling and him floating, light as a feather, towards the ground.

You’re out of the room before you can hear how it ends. Stumbling through the hallways of the base like a sleepwalker, like a toddler, like someone on the verge of a terrible thing.

It’s growing in you, something you can’t name, something that mounts and mounts and…

In a corner, next to a water fountain, you crumble like a ragdoll. Fold yourself into a neat square of limbs, knees pulled all the way up to your eyes, face pressed into the space between them.

The panic flares into your body like electricity, tingles down your spine and into your legs, tugs at your hands and feet. And your chest is full of it, of that anxiety and that memory, so full the feeling crowds against your ribcage, threatens to snap the bones. There’s no room for oxygen.

I’m going to choke, you think. I’m going to…

“Hey.”

You know it’s Bob without looking up. You couldn’t do it anyway, even if you tried. Your muscles won’t listen to you, not now when your body belongs to the anxiety.

“It’s okay,” Bob whispers. He’s crouched in front of you, you know this because you can see his shoes through the gaps between your knees. Angled like a V, straining towards you. “He’s fine. Hangman’s fine.”

It should bring relief, but it doesn’t. You shake your head, forehead still smashed against your knees, and your skin tugs against the patellas.

No, you think. I can’t do it. Not again, not again, not again. Please, god, make it end, just make it stop, I can’t, I can’t, I…

“I can’t,” you say, and you don’t know what you mean.

All you can think about is the crash. The gravity pulling at your chest. A canopy exploding above you. The pain of that dislocated shoulder. And then the emptiness, the aching, endless emptiness of the after. The guilt, the grief, the fear, the fear, the fear.

“Can I touch you?”

Bob’s voice is so soft, even with the underlying current of firmness. Just like it was in that bathroom. And it should be an oxymoron - for someone to be so tender, for someone to be so unyielding. But it’s not, not with Bob. Bob, who seems to contain true multitudes.

You nod because you can’t find your voice.

He draws you into his arms, right there on the floor. Hands on your back, tugging you against his chest, urging your head into the space below his chin. He’s so warm, and he smells nice, and he’s everywhere.

“Easy,” he whispers. “It’s alright. You’re okay.”

And then it’s just him. The steady beat of his heart instead of the screaming of warning systems. The smell of his aftershave instead of the smoke and the gasoline. His fingers pressing into your spine instead of the straps cutting into your shoulders.

Bob holds you together until you can do it yourself.

You draw back, slowly, almost reluctantly, and the moment his touch is gone, you miss it like something intrinsic to you. Miss it like a limb.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper. You don’t want to look at him. You can’t look at him.

Bob exhales.

“Don’t apologize,” he says. “Can you… explain it?”

You suppose you should. Suppose you owe it to him after these weeks. After everything you’ve put him through.

“It… it scared me,” you whisper. It takes a lot to get that out, to admit that there’s anything, anywhere, that could scare you.

You don’t want Bob to know. You want Bob to think of you as someone above things like fear, someone strong and brave and whole. But it’s just all too much. You’re eroding, crumbling, tumbling off the tightrope you’ve been walking for so long.

If someone like Hangman, someone brilliant, someone fantastic, someone who burns brighter than life, can go down… then what about you? What about Bob?

“The rest, too.” At your questioning look, he elaborates, “Explain all of it to me.”

You could keep pretending you don’t understand him, but you’re too tired. Something about the panic has made you fuzzy, has blurred your edges, and you just want it to be over. You just want to be rid of everything clogging up your chest.

You want to feel again what you felt that night in the bathroom with Bob. You want somebody to carry the burden with you, so you won’t feel it dragging you beneath the surface of the ocean all the time.

“I killed her,” you say finally. The words are barely more than a whisper, but they burst from somewhere at the very core of you. Something you’ve kept hidden from view for years.

Bob pauses. Stares.

“... What?”

“I killed her,” you repeat, voice watery, hands shaking. “My last backseater. I killed her.”

He opens his mouth only to close it again—shifts his weight where he’s still sitting on the ground. Your knees are almost touching.

“Spec…” he begins, but you don’t let him finish.

“Everybody always said it, you know? That I was a wildcard, that I just… did whatever I wanted without thinking about others. Everybody but her. She’d always say, oh, you just don’t understand her, she’s brilliant, she knows what she’s doing, she….” You have to stop yourself, have to suck in a breath that sounds like you’re drowning, like your lungs are filling up with water. “And then one day we had a fight. She said that I… that I didn’t listen to her up in the air, that I always trusted myself more than I trusted her, and she… she called me a liability.”

Something in Bob’s eyes shifts, something like understanding flutters across his face, but the dam inside of you has broken. The river rushes without stopping.

“So I decided to prove her wrong. I wanted to go right, but she told me to go left, and I did. We got into a jet stream. I lost control of the plane. We had to eject. I made it, and she didn’t.”

You pause then. Blink against that horrible, unforgiving, brilliant sun outside the window. Your cheeks are wet.

“She was my best friend, Bob.” Your voice breaks, and you fold in on yourself, deflate. “She was the only one who ever believed in me. I knew her since we were eighteen, we did everything together, I only started flying two-seaters so I could fly with her, and you have to understand, I would have… if I could have changed it, if I could have died instead of her, I would have, I wouldn’t even have thought about it, I… And I know I’m not a… not a good person, I know I’m selfish and mean, and I hurt people all the time, and I know I hurt you, but I just… ” You trail off. Your voice is barely more than a whisper. “She was my best friend.”

It’s not nearly enough to explain what she meant to you. It’s all you have.

Bob doesn’t answer for a long time. When you finally find the courage to look up at him, you brace yourself for the inevitable: shock, disgust, disdain.

You find none of it.

Bob looks at you with a tenderness on his face that punches all the air out of your lungs.

“Why didn’t you tell me this sooner?” he asks, voice soft.

It’s almost helpless, the way you can do nothing but shrug your shoulders.

“It’s not…” You can’t look at him anymore, afraid you’ll do something stupid, afraid you’ll kiss him or tell him something you won’t be able to take back. “I didn’t think you’d care.”

Bob’s brows furrow.

“Of course I care,” he says, as matter-of-factly as if he’s chatting about the San Diego weather. “I care about you, Specter. I always have.”

You don’t know what to say to that. It tugs at you with ice-cold fingers, even as warmth spreads through your stomach. And it scares you, hearing him say that. He shouldn’t care about you. Not if he knows what’s good for him.

“I’m sorry,” you say after a long, long moment. “I’m sorry for… at the Hard Deck, I think I needed somebody, and you were there, and it… I used you. I’m sorry for it. I made a mistake.”

When you look at him next, something on Bob’s face has changed. Some window that was previously thrown wide open is shut. He looks down towards his shoes, glasses sliding slowly, slowly towards the tip of his nose.

“Up in the air,” he says finally. “I get it now, I think. Why you don’t listen to me. But I… Don’t you trust me?”

Hearing him say it hurts somewhere at the very core of you. In the grand scheme of things, in the great failure of your life, Bob is probably the person you trust most.

“I do,” you whisper, shaking your head. Folding your fingers in your lap and biting your lip so hard the sting distracts you from whatever is going on in your chest. “I just… I trust myself more. I have to trust myself more.”

Bob is quiet for a long, long moment. Then he nods.

“I understand,” he says, but it sounds like he wants to say something else entirely. “Can we just… let’s be friends, Spec. Please.”

And he sounds tired. The kind of fatigue that goes bone-deep, that travels over days and nights and weeks, the kind of fatigue you carry with you wherever you go. You know how that feels.

It’s a horrible thought just how much you’ve hurt Bob, and so you’ve never allowed yourself to think it. Have brushed it off and brushed it away, under beds and under carpets and into handicapped bathrooms with broken locks. Have pretended you couldn’t tell in the cockpit, pretended you didn’t see it in the mess hall when his face fell after another scathing remark, another dismissal.

All the way, you told yourself you were doing it for him - it’s not good to get close to you. You’ve never learned how to build things, grow things. All you know is how to ruin them.

So you say, “I don’t want to be your friend, Bob. I want to be alone.”

Behind the sheen of his glasses, Bob’s eyes are wet.

“I don’t think that’s true at all,” he says, finally.

And then he gets up, walks away, and leaves you behind on the floor, a town buried beneath a landslide, a meteor crater, a canyon of sand and rock, and the lone survivor clawing his way over the edge.

“Nat says you have a crush on me.”

Rooster gives no greeting, simply slides into the unoccupied seat by your side with those words. He’s broad enough that he dwarfs the rickety chair, the Hawaiian shirt so out of place in the beiges and grays of this military base.

A week ago, maybe you would have been embarrassed. Now, you can barely muster a shrug.

“What’s it matter?”

Rooster raises an eyebrow. The television room is deserted save for the two of you - some movie is playing with the volume all the way down, but you haven’t even been paying enough attention to tell if it’s a romantic comedy or a slasher.

“It matters,” he says.

You shake your head, staring down at the packet of gum in your hand. The whole room smells like mint.

“I wasn’t ever going to act on it,” you say, “that’s why it doesn’t matter. It’s just… there. It doesn’t change anything for you.”

Rooster is quiet for a moment. And then he says, “It doesn’t work like that.”

“Hm?”

“The way you think it does,” he elaborates as if that clears it up. “You think you can just walk through life and not affect others. You think if you’re just mean and closed-off, if you never let somebody in, you won’t matter to them. That you won’t hurt them. That then they can’t hurt you. That’s not how it works, Spec.”

You exhale. It feels a little like he’s just pried open your chest, pulled all your most private, darkest thoughts into the world.

“I… I don’t know what you mean.”

“It’s like this.” Bradley leans forward, sun-tanned hands reaching for you across the gray, gray expanse of the table. He doesn’t touch you, but he leaves his hands palms-up, an offering between you. “There are people here that love you, Spec. Even if maybe sometimes you don’t deserve that love. And you have the power to hurt them, just like they have the power to hurt you. You’re already in it. You’re just pretending you’re not.”

You grind your teeth. It’s too much. You can’t do it.

Eject, eject, eject, your mind is screaming at you, but it’s like you can’t find the cord.

“Bradley…” you begin, without knowing where you want the sentence to end.

“And you don’t have a crush on me.”

He says it like it’s a fact. He says it like he knows you better than you know yourself.

You’re beginning to suspect he might have a point.

“I think I know when I have a crush,” you say quietly.

“No, you don’t. Otherwise, you’d know you’re head-over-heels for Bob. Otherwise, you’d know he’s loved you since the first time he’s seen you.”

You think of Bob - Bob on his knees at the Hard Deck, Bob’s voice pulling you from the deepest, densest darkness of your life, Bob silhouetted by the unforgiving sun as you splintered into shards of glass right in front of him, as the contents of your life spilled across his feet and drenched him in your night.

It feels like being pressed into the seat at take-off - anticipation, fear, relief… You’re on the verge of something.

“Specter.” Rooster leans low across the table, his face in your field of vision. Kind eyes, kind mouth, kind face. The sort of kindness you don’t deserve. The sort of kindness that rips holes into your life and your resolve and your heart. “You don’t really want me. You just want to want someone and not be afraid they’ll hurt you. You just want to want someone without it being real. Because then it won’t hurt.”

I already know this, you want to tell him, but you can’t. Something about hearing it from him, something about realizing you’re not half as complex as you always thought you were, is strangely reassuring at the same time it makes your stomach churn.

“And you’re scared to want Bob. Because that would be real. Because that could hurt.”

Bob Floyd, who is so much kinder than you ever deserved. Bob Floyd, who has your back. Bob Floyd, who loves you, even when you don’t know how to love yourself.

“It already does, though,” you whisper, your voice impossibly small, your eyes burning. “It already does hurt, Rooster.”

And Rooster smiles. The sight of it plants a hope inside you you didn’t think you were capable of anymore - a sapling fighting its way through concrete.

“That, Specter,” he says, “is how you know it’s real.”

Bob is crying when he opens his door.

He stands there in plaid pajama pants and a white shirt, without his glasses, hair no longer slicked back but curly and soft, and you remember sinking your fingers into it, remember wanting to ask what conditioner he uses, remember…

“Do you love me?” you blurt.

Bob blinks and opens his mouth. His cheeks are wet.

“I…”

You don’t let him finish.

“Because I don’t know if I love you. But I know that I like you. And I know that I’m scared, Bob, I’m so fucking scared. Every day of my life, I’m scared. I’m scared that you’ll die because I trust you, and I’m scared that you’ll die because I don’t trust you, and I’m scared that maybe I could love you, and I’m scared that you’ll hurt me or that I’m always going to keep hurting you and I don’t… I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do with all this fear, Bob.”

And then it’s Bob, the WSO. Bob the pragmatic. Bob the fucking best boy you’ve ever met.

He nods, says, “I know.” And then he takes a deep breath. Goes on, “You don’t need to know any of that stuff. You don’t even have to not be scared. Spec, fuck, I’m scared. I’m scared of how much I like you, and I’m scared of how much you’re hurting all the time, how tightly you keep that all locked up. I’m not asking you not to be any of those things. I’m just… I’m just asking you to talk to me. Let’s figure it out together.”

When he says it like that, it seems almost easy. Simple. Logical.

“For the record,” you say, voice a ruin, and you’re pretty sure you might be crying too, “I don’t think it was a mistake. What we did at the Hard Deck, I mean. I think it… I think it may have been the best decision of my life. I don’t make a lot of those.”

And Bob smiles. Steps to the side and opens his door to you.

“You wanna come in?”

You do.

In his bedroom, with his arms around you, it’s almost enough to pretend you’re whole again. It’s enough to know you’ll get there someday. To a point where you’ll know how to grow things instead of ripping them out of the earth. To a point where maybe, finally, you’ll deserve that love Bob hands out so freely.

In his bedroom, with his arms around you, it’s a little like drowning. It’s a little like flying.

#bob x reader #bob floyd #top gun maverick #robert floyd x reader #bob floyd fic #bob top gun #bob fic #top gun fic #top gun imagine #mine #writing #f: hsp

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dirtyeddietini · 1 year

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fics that have altered my brain chemistry (eddies/joe qs version)

okay so ive been in an adhd brain rot?? where im just fucking HORRIBLE at reblogging fics that i enjoy and honestly it was my whole reasoning behind making this blog FOR GIVING WRITERS THE LOVE THEY DESERVE i just wanted to give a shoutout to these writers (and stories) they’ve made that just fucking messed with my brain (and in a good way okay??) over these last few months. please check them out and give them all the fucking love they deserve

like a poem (FINISHED series, but sometimes if you ask nice enough she will throw a blurb in there) - im so very fucking biased because i love her to the moon and back, but she writes the best fucking stories of joe that will keep you up all night having you rethinking all of your life choices. IT WAS VERY HARD FOR ME to pick out a story that i wanted to highlight in this post, but the whole reason i fell in love with her writing was because of bookstore!joe and he will ALWAYS have a special place in my heart. love you boo

plot: “Joe finds solace in a quaint bookstore, your bookstore, from a hectic situation in the streets. But, you’re closed. But then also, it’s Joseph Quinn.“ from the authors page

echoes (FINISHED, series) - again im so very fucking biased because she is the sweetest person you will have the pleasure of knowing BUT THATS BESIDE THE POINT - she writes so fucking beautifully she will literally have you CRY and this will forever and always be my favourite fic of hers. she deserves all the love she gets, and then even more so read it!!!! (she will make you cry its not on me tho)

plot: “When she laid her emotions out for her best friend, the last thing she expected was for him to turn around, walk away and never speak to her again. Years after, they meet again - different people, different feelings. Or are they?” from the authors page

the hideout (FINISHED, oneshot)- this was one of the first fics i read and fell in love with. it was in that timeperiod where all i could do 24/7 was read eddie munson fanfics and this was one of those fics where i went “holy SHIT??” and honestly i dont think there will ever be a time where this isnt just some % on my mind??

plot: “Eddie Munson made it big. Now, when he returns to Hawkins for a hometown concert with his band, he is reminded of the girl he’s been in love with for the past 6 years when Steve Harrington calls.” from the authors page

vintage reeboks (FINISHED) - this is one of those fics where you’re like???? holy shit i wish i’d come up with that?? i remember reading all of this in one day (summertime, sweating very fucking much) and its just?? holy shit its perfect?? the way eddie is in this??? and its something i could never think of would be this perfect?? i swear i think of this fic at least once a day??

plot: “The gate at the bottom of Lover’s Lake was meant to spit the quartet out in the Upside Down. Steve, Nancy, and Robin were meant to be there. He wasn’t meant to be alone. But when Eddie comes to on the shoreline, you’re there. It’s not the Upside Down. It’s not Lover’s Lake. It’s not 1986.” from the authors page

twenty four hours (STILL GOING) - the way this has me in a chokehold?? im a fucking sucker for when fics have a nice layout??? and this is just so pretty to look at?? like whenever i see its been updated my whole body is SHAKING?? i dont even know what to say?? this is just so amazing and the whole?? will they wont they?? i love them?? i want them both to fight with me all night long??? i CANNOT wait to see where this ends

plot: “in which eddie munson and you absolutely hate each other's guts. what happens when your friends make a bet that you can't spend more than twenty four hours consecutively together?” from the authors page

to know you’re mine (FINISHED) - i saw someone talk about this in the “eddie munson x reader” tag, and DEVOURED the chapters that were up in one whole day?? the way eddie is so fucking soft and nice and the best fucking gentleman in this?? and also?? the relationship to steve in this is amazing??? but THE RELATIONSHIP TO EDDIE IS EVEN MORE AMAZING?? such a fucking fantastic author please go EAT all the chapters right now

plot: “You know the rules. You'd been there when your boyfriend, Steve Harrington, discussed them with the others. There are only two.Number one: Only play when everyone's together. Number two: No finishing inside each other's girls.You'd agreed to these rules, same as Chrissy. Same as Eddie.But then there's rule number three, and though it remains unspoken, it's by far the most important. And you have that feeling again, like when you propped yourself up against the barstool, straining to see him on that stage, craning for a glimpse as his husky voice reached inside you. Now, his dark eyes are doing the same thing: pulling at something buried deep, tugging it into the light where it can't be hidden. And, sure, of course, you didn't intend this. But what are intentions in the face of such things? Needless to say, every rule gets broken.” from the authors page

the customer’s always right (STILL GOING) - hehhehe im a hoe for cutie virgin eddie??? but they way she always manages to capture eddie in her fics?? fucking amazing??? and her writing??? yes PLEASE so do yourself a favor on this fine friday AND READ THIS AMAZING FUCKING SERIES because eddie will make you fall in love in this???

plot: “eddie munson is a virgin and doesn’t want anyone to know (because being an adult who’s never fucked anyone is a total reputation ruiner). but you, his favorite customer, are more than willing to change that.” from the authors page

sincerely yours... (STILL GOING) - like i’ve told her before - her eddie is fucking amazing and so very much to the point!! im so excited for this one and cannot WAIT to see where eddies teasing will make him end up!! the last fucking part of this??? amazing

plot: "Untouchable, is what he called you. Dating Jason, the captain of the basketball tea, most would call you the same. Living your holier than thour life, something else he said, you can’t seem to swallow the need to prove him wrong” from the authors page

burn one (FINISHED) - this is just the perfect fucking combination of smutty and sweet??? like this is just how i imagine eddie and this is so fucking sweet and perfect?? had me thinking about this for WEEKS UGH

plot: "When you move to Hawkins to start over, your new unexpected friendship with your weed dealer next door is your saving grace. It was never your intention to fall in love with him though.” from the authors page

Disjointed (STILL GOING) - this fic has me feeling ALL the feels in all the chapters?? makes me GIGGLE, makes me CRY!!!, i’m in love with all the chapters and i CANNOT WAIT to see them live happily every after

also now that i’ve finished, i’ve just realised this is a lovepoem to my favourite authors on this app heheheh im sorry but i DO love you guys. please do go and read their stories, and send them all the fucking love in the world!! they do have so many amazing stories on their masterlist you will not be able to sleep tonight!!!

authors mentioned in this post THAT YOU NEED TO CHECK OUT!!: @icallhimjoey @ghostinthebackofyourhead @inknopewetrust @storiesbyrhi @ghost-proofbaby @blue-mossbird @lovebugism @plumxwrites @loveshotzz @boomhauer

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson x y/n #eddie munson x you #eddie munson fan fic #joseph quinn x reader #joseph quinn x you #joseph quinn fan fiction

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ughgoaway · 13 days

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When Matty is away (on tour or something of that sort), girlie subconsciously touches the tattoo (not even sexually, she just likes to know she has a piece of him)!!! When she's touching herself, she has the constant reminder of him OMGGG ace you've altered my brain chemistry 😭

-🫀

oh ABSOLUTELY yes I love this. (original post here and other blurb here for context lol)

like when you're just pottering around the house and you start thinking about him, your finges subconsciously start tracing where your tattoo is. when you're on facetime too, every time you see his face, you start drawing that familiar box on your hip bone.

I was also thinking about the potential for pics to send whilst he's on tour... like buying some really pretty black lingerie to match the tattoo and taking photos for matty in them. you make sure that you can always see the tattoo. You want it to feel torturous that he can't touch you, but also remind him that he owns you.

sending those pics to him in the middle of rehearsal and getting a rushed facetime minutes later with him cramped in a venue bathroom undoing his trousers and telling you exactly what to do. he instructs your every move; what to grab, what skin to pull at, what speed you're allowed to fuck yourself with your fingers. he's in charge even when he's thousands of miles away.

"that's it sweetheart, you gonna cum? yeah? touch that pretty tattoo for me, let me see that you know who you belong to," matty whispers down the phone, and when he sees your fingers wet with your slick tracing the lines, he swears he nearly dies.

let alone when you're just masturbating alone. God the constant reminder whenever you look down of matty, of what he would be doing right now, of what he'd be whispering in your ear. it brings you to the edge faster than any sex toy could.

honestly, I'm SO glad this has altered other people's brain chemistry, too, bc when I first thought about it yesterday?? I DIED.

#anon!#🫀 anon #teacher au!

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fanartist666 · 1 month

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Idk if passenger is really a thing on here or if Barry Sloane gets any love on this app BUT I literally adore that show already.

THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR PASSENGER IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT!

Passenger. Oh my fucking GOD. I've watched it so many times. Eddie Wells has altered my brain chemistry. The tears I shed over that sweet, beautiful man.

The way he didn't even remember doing it, but thought he must have done because he was told he did, because everyone else was so fucking sure he'd done it, he believed them. He was branded evil, a monster, a freak, and probably everything else under the sun for something he didn't even remember doing. The guilt he felt. The staggering loneliness in those five years. It isn't discussed but I bet you any money his family didn't go and visit him once. In five fucking years. (I do understand why, I totally understand Joanne, Katie and Lily's motivations but that doesn't make it hurt Eddie any less)

Then he got out, and all he wanted was to be a part of his own family again. He wanted to be a husband and father again. He missed his little girls, he missed his wife. He missed his home.

And what did he find, what was his open and welcoming heart met with? Coldness, tension, conflict. His family is everything to him, and they didn't want anything to do with him. He wanted to bring Joanne a sandwich to her work, just to be nice, and she asked when he was leaving. Later his eldest daughter nearly threw boiling coffee in his face, his little girl, ready to cause him serious harm. A few days after Lily asks if she can tell him a secret.

He looked so delighted to be trusted with one. To be let back in just a little by the baby of his family, his darling baby girl. And she tells him "I wish you were dead." The TEARS I SHED when he looked up at her and visibly broke. (Barry Sloane is fucking slept on as an actor i swear to god, he is literally incredible). You could see something die in his eyes. The resolve when he stood up.

He went to end his life in the icy lake. 'This is what monsters deserve'. And who saved his life? But Jim, his 'victim'. Jim pulled him from a terrible death.

Because he was owed an answer.

Because Eddie was the beast that attacked him for no reason. Because Eddie was evil and did an evil thing, and Jim wanted to know why.

And then it turned out he was fucking innocent.

The whole time, HE DIDN'T FUCKING DO IT. 5 years in prison, in a 6x8 shoebox. For a crime he didn't even commit.

If you've read this far, do you get why he's changed my brain chemistry forever? He was pushed away, shunned, got himself beaten up, nearly killed himself over something he didn't fucking do.

Eddie was broken by the people of Chadder Vale. Even his own family. And none of it was his fault. 5 years stolen from him, his relationship with his family stolen from him, his reputation stolen from him, his life stolen from him.

AND THEN- AND FUCKING THEN- BARRY TWEETS THIS.

THE FUCK YOU MEAN HE HAS HIS DAUGHTER'S BIRTHDAYS ON HIS WRISTS. THE FUCK YOU MEAN HE HAS HIS WIFE'S NAME ON HIS LEFT FOREARM. THE LAYERS OF TRAGEDY IN ONE CHARACTER IN A SIX EPISODE SERIES ON ITVX. I AM A MESS OVER THIS INFORMATION.

HIS FAMILY IS HIS WORLD. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW MUCH IT WOULD'VE HURT HIM WHEN AFTER ALL THAT TIME THEY REJECTED HIM??

I'm sobbing all over again. Don't even get me started on the 'it felt real, no?' When Joanne rejected his affection so harshly, because my boy was fucking devastated. (Again. I can empathise with her, I do get it, I do understand her point of view. Eddie has just messed my brain up and I adore him.)

Sincerely, I love him. Thank you Barry for him. I'm going to sob in my corner and think about giving Eddie a hug until there's a season 2.

I am never going to be the same.

#barry sloane #passenger itv #eddie wells #itvx #passenger itvx #screaming #im cryin #shaking and crying #crying and screaming #screaming crying throwing up #a mess #never going to be the same

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the-dendrophile-bookdragon · 2 years

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You choose him

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x gn!reader Warning: swearing, Nancy being a hypocrite, Billy not being his usual asshole-y self, fluff Summary: Nancy doubts the relationship between you and Billy

Nancy looked at you before looking back over the lunch tables of the mess hall and then right back to you. You watched her while eating your lunch. After the fifth time of her sweeping over you and then your boyfriend she sighted, looking disappointed. “What is it, Nance? Spit it out.” Her judging eyes fell onto you. You huffed in annoyance.

She pointed at the table a few meters away where Billy sat with his flies as he called the people around him. “You choose him?” You looked at him before back to your best friend, “Yeah…So?” She huffed out a laugh and shook her shoulders. “You saw the pompous asshole-y one and thought, Ah yes. Perfect! I thought you had standards?”

You rolled your eyes at her before resuming to finish your lunch. “Look I am not proud of it, okay? But he is different with me than in school. I think he is slowly changing.” Nancy gave you a look of disbelieve. You sighted deeply, throwing up your hands and letting them fall on top of your thighs. “You might not see it but I do. And Nance, you are a hypocrite. Before Steve knew what an absolute ass he was, you were dating him.” Your best friend looked down at the table. “If you don’t mind. I would like to finish lunch and after study for the chemist test I have tomorrow. And god knows I need to study.”

After lunch you made your way into the empty science lap where Billy was waiting for you. He looked up from the book as he saw you enter through the door. His usual smirk was replaced with a warm smile he didn’t show of to much. You waved at him shyly before walking over to him. He put his backpack down from the stool so you could sit next to him.

As you unloaded your bag for the study session Billy watched you with his memorizing eyes and a soft smile. “How was your day after math?” You sighted deeply. “Uneventful till lunch. Nancy ripped me a new one for dating you. I told her she dated Steve in his prime asshole time.” Billy smirked, “That’s my girl!” You let your head fall onto your shoulder to look at your boyfriend disapprovingly, “I don’t want to fight with her over such things. I want her to see the Billy that his hidden behind the macho façade. Why are you still hanging out with the flies? You don’t even like them.”

Billy sighted before he nodded. “I don’t know, sweets. Maybe it’s my insecurity or still my, how did you call it? Idiot-alpha-male-brain? That wants to belong to someone and not be lonely.” You touched his cheek and caressed his cheekbone with your thump, “You are not alone. Just throw away your alter ego and let me introduce you to my friends. You will see, they are more fun. Especially Robin.”

He huffed out a laugh before pointing at his chemistry book. “We need to study. I saw you try and fail to write a redox-reaction and it was painful to watch.” You looked at him unimpressed, “Yeah, I saw your biology notes. Thank god I didn’t have a lighter on me.” Billy kissed your temple quickly, “Well thank the stars I have your notes to study for tomorrow. Chemistry first and then you tell me how plants do photosynthesis?” You nodded before diving in into chemical elements and their reactions.

Wanna read more of Billy/Steve/Eddie? Click here Wanna stay up to date? Click here Wanna request something? Click here

You liked this story? Please reblog and support my content!

Thank you @mistersourwolf for the gif

#billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove #billy hargrove x female reader #billy hargove x reader #billy hargove imagine #billy harringrove

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tra5hg0blin · 1 year

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"But if she ceased, not in culmination of fire, but in a cold and quiet death, perhaps her soark would return to the Lightless Flame and she could try again" - Ep 139 Chosen

Agnes Montague :)) im love her, the first time i heard episode 139 i was fully stunned idk it altered my brain chemistry i swear

alts w/text:

wanted to make this piece eerily symmetrical cause i thought itd look cool :))

#agnes montague #the magnus pod #the magnus archives #the magnus archive fanart #tma #cult of the lightless flame #tra5hg0blin arts

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coffinsister · 6 months

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What if Julia one day decided to do her hair and dress up the way Andrew kept asking her to? They go over to his house, and she sees Ashley, and it's like looking in a mirror. And she realizes, in that moment, that her boyfriend is a freak. But she's also shocked because, apparently, she's also a freak.

She leaves early and swears to herself to never dress like her bf's sister again. But one day... One day, they're fucking. They're fucking nasty. And in a moment of impulsivity, as he's rutting into her, grunting into her ear, she gasps out "Call me Ashley".

Julia is mortified, but only for a moment because the combination of shock and arousal at her request causes Andrew to almost instantly cum. And it happens so fast that he isn't able to pull out.

Why is my idea of Julia and Andrew fucking just her on a lease now that other anon really altered my brain chemistry

Je this sounds hot but at the same time I think this goes so against what I think Julia is meant to represent in the narrative that I just can't take it fully at face value

I can see Andrew totally having that reaction tho it's always in those hazy moments where he's so carried away he actually stops repressing himself that he fully shows his true colors

Also if he can't pull out she's gonna baby trap that pension out of him and I support that fully

#maybe if it were presented as some random girl doing this with him instead of Julia specifically i could have written something way longer #the coffin of andy and leyley #andrew graves #ashley graves #coffincest #soleil asks #julia

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blindmagdalena · 10 months

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Hi! Help a fellow homelander brainrot girlie out... I remember reading a fic on this blog some months back (not sure if it was yours or reblogged) where reader is a Vought employee who helps him with his public speeches or something?

I remember that at one point she gets tipsy and masturbates looking at homie on TV, he finds out (iirc they have a quick phone conversation), flies to her and sexy times ensue.

I swear that fic altered my brain chemistry but I can't find it anywhereeee 😭😭😭

ah yes, I think I know which one you mean!

technically the sexy time ensues over the phone, but I believe you’re referring to How Easy You Are To Need.

here’s the AO3 link, too! 🖤

#homelander x reader #i hope that’s the one you meant!#it’s funny I’ve been thinking about reposting this fic with my updated formatting #and giving it a bit of a fluff #there’s a couple of scenes I’d like to add #anyways thank you!!#darling anon #ask and you shall receive

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caitas-cooing · 2 months

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Hi! As someone who follows you and knows nothing about Shining Nikki, what is the game about and why do you love it so much? I'd like to hear you talk about something you're passionate about :)

Okay, that is something that could take a while to explain, but let's start with the basic. Shining Nikki is a 3d dress up game and is the 4th game in the Nikki series, although Love Nikki and Shining Nikki are the only ones that are still on the Play store with active servers. Nikki up2u (the first one) was up on the door a long time, probably due to being an offline game overall so there was no server costs, but it was taken off somewhat recently though I don't remember when exactly. Nikki up2u was my first Nikki game because even though Love Nikki was out at the time I happened to stumble across Nikki up2u first, and then love Nikki a few months later. Shining Nikki is the only 3d one though, all the other entries are 2d. There's going to be another game called Infinity Nikki which is going to be an open world dress up game, but who knows when that's coming out, and when it does it still probably take a few years for us to get a global server.

Shining Nikki is important to me because I have been playing the Nikki series on and off since highschool. The combination of story and pretty clothes intrigued me and even though the translation can sometimes be not great (Love Nikki had some interesting statements and typos in there, Shining Nikki is much better in this regard but it still pops up occasionally) they are very interesting stories that are often darker than the cute clothes and bright colors would have you believe. Love Nikki's story involved being sent to another world called miraland where every dispute is solved by fashion battles, and later you find out that the reason that happens is because the people there are under a blood curse so that is they are violent against each other they will die painfully unless they take drugs to stop that from happening. Also someone stabbed Lunar onscreen and I was not expecting that from the game which was mostly lighthearted up to that point, but that scene probably alter my brain chemistry somehow I swear. Like the showed her getting stabbed onscreen and then she died in Nikki's arms while Nikki is crying. This happened in a dress up game. Lunar did not deserve that, Nikki did not deserve that. Lunar's death haunts me because of the shock of it all. Also Nikki gets swords and knives and guns as handheld objects in these games so that's fun.

Okay now finally onto Shining Nikki (you know, the game you actually asked me about originally and then I got sidetracked horribly). This game also takes place in miraland but in the past, so like before the blood curse happened. They still decide a lot of things through fashion and the use of "styling power" which can be used to do a lot of different things including controlling people like puppets or making illusions that people with lower styling power can't see through. These are both things villains in this game do in like the first few chapters of the game. That said, because it does take place before the blood curse there is a lot more violence, there are guns and knives and swords and gangs and wars. This stuff is described more than shown, but they are very present. Shining Nikki takes place in the past because miraland was destroyed in the time she was originally taken and she's trying to stop it from happening again. This games story is dark from the start unlike Love Nikki.

Shining Nikki also made the inspired decision of having Nikki directly talking with the player as a big part of the game and she is such a sweetie and I love her. She'll celebrate your birthday with you and ask if you've eaten and compliment your sense of style. Hearing Nikki say "I know you enjoy your leisure time at night, but try not to stay up too late" is so nice every time. She'll also sing a son about what she would do if she were a cat and complain about how Momo never lets her touch his toe beans. She'll say sadder stuff sometimes to like how she feels lonely when she remembers she doesn't belong to this time and space or how she misses her family at night.

There's more stuff to say too but it's way later (or technically earlier) than I thought it was so I should attempt the sleep thing so I'm stopping here. This whole ramble was a mess and I apologize for that.

Anyway look up Shining Nikki Star Sea and I think that will help explain some of the appeal too. Pretty animation make my brain happy. The physics in the hair and dresses in game are also neat. It goes whoosh

#shining nikki #love nikki dress up queen #love nikki

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dontyoufinditstrange · 11 days

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Folklore Lyrics That Alter My Brain Chemistry

The 1:

"and if you wanted me you really should've showed" "and if you never bleed you're never gonna grow" "and if my wishes came true, it would've been you" "in my defense, i have none, for never leaving well enough alone" "but it would've been fun if you would've been the 1" "and it would've been sweet if it could've been me"

Cardigan:

"to kiss in cars and downtown bars was all we needed" "you drew stars around my scars and now im bleeding" "i knew you, leaving like a father, running like water" "marked me like a bloodstain"

The Last Great American Dynasty:

"it must've been her fault his heart gave out" "she had a marvelous time ruining everything"

Exile:

"and it took you five whole minutes to pack us up and leave me with it" "holding all this love out here in the hall" "i'm not your problem anymore so who am i offending now" "those eyes add insult to injury"

My Tears Ricochet:

"if i'm on fire you'll be made of ashes too" "even on my worst day, did i deserve babe, all the hell you gave me?" "cause i loved you, i swear i loved you, til my dying day" "i didn't have it in myself to go with grace" "and if i'm dead to you why are you at the wake?" "you know i didn't want to have to haunt you, but what a ghostly scene" "cause when i'd fight you used to tell me i was brave" "and i can go anywhere i want, anywhere i want, just not home" "and you can aim for my heart, go for blood, but you would still miss me in your bones" "and i still talk to you when i'm screaming at the sky" "you turned into your worst fears"

Mirrorball:

"and when i break it's in a million pieces" "shining just for you" "and when they called off the circus, burned the disco down, when they sent home the horses and the rodeo clowns" "i'm still on that tightrope" "i'm still trying everything to get you laughing at me" "i'm still a believer but i don't know why" "i've never been a natural all i do is try, try, try" "i'm still on that trapeze" "i'm still trying everything to keep you looking at me"

Seven:

"please picture me in the trees" "are there still beautiful things?" "i still got love for you" "please picture me in the weeds" "before i learned civility, i used to scream ferociously, any time i wanted"

August:

"but i can see us lost in the memory" "august slipped away into a moment in time" "cause you were never mine" "and i can see us twisted in bed sheets" "i remember thinking i had you" "to live for the hope of it all"

This Is Me Trying:

"i've been having a hard time adjusting" "i didn't know if you'd care if i came back" "i have a lot of regrets about that" "they told me all of my cages were mental, so i got wasted like all my potential" "and my words shoot to kill when i'm mad" "and it's hard to be at a party when i feel like an open wound" "it's hard to be anywhere these days when all i want is you" "at least i'm trying"

Illicit Affairs:

"look at these godforsaken mess that you made me" "you showed me colors you know i can't see with anyone else" "look at this idiotic fool that you made me" "you taught me a secret language i can't speak with anyone else" "and you know damn well for you i would ruin myself a million little times"

Invisible String:

"time, curious time, gave me no compasses, gave me no signs" "time, mystical time, cutting me open then healing me fine" "something passed all of my past mistakes in barbed wire" "chains around my demons" "wool to brave the seasons" "time, wondrous time, gave me the blues and then purple-pink skies"

Mad Woman:

"every time you call me crazy, i get more crazy" "and when you say i seem angry, i get more angry" "and you'll poke that bear til the claws come out, then you find something to wrap your noose around" "now i breathe flames each time i talk" "they say 'move on' but you know i won't" "she should be mad, should be scathing like me" "i'm taking my time, taking my time, cause you took everything from me"

Epiphany:

"some things you just can't speak about" "just one single glimpse of relief to make some sense of what you've seen"

Betty:

"i dreamt of you all summer long" "the only thing i wanna do is make it up to you"

Peace:

"all these people think love's for show, but i would die for you in secret" "would it be enough if i could never give you peace?" "and you know that i'd swing with you for the fences, sit with you in the trenches, give you my wild, give you a child"

Hoax:

"stood on the cliffside screaming 'give me a reason'" "your faithless love's the only hoax i believe in" "don't want no other shade of blue but you" "no other sadness in the world would do" "i am ash from your fire" "you knew it still hurts underneath my scars from when they pulled me apart" "but what you did was just as dark, darling this is just as hard as when they pulled me apart"

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wishmemel · 1 year

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Heyy! I saw your ask a fanfic writer post so I hope you don't mind me participating :D

5, 17, 19, 20, 39, 42, 45, & 64

[ I would've asked more, but I don't want to overwhelm you w a bunch of asks 😭]

hi hi i appreciate you going out of your way to ask ! thank u sm for this as i’ve never gotten a chance to participate in one of these before > <

5. have you ever made a playlist about something you were writing as an elaborate means to procrastinate when you could have been actually writing and if yes drop a link, son

when it comes to playlists, i make them for my own OCs - not really for fics that i've written ! (but i have a playlist for satoru that is... still a work in progress. i'll totally share once i feel like i'm actually getting somewhere > <)

17. what is your favorite line you’ve ever written?

this is such a good question omg - had to scroll through all my unpublished wips for this, but my favourite line at the moment would be:

"IS A STORY DEEMED A TRAGEDY IF YOU TAKE BACK WHAT WAS YOURS (you can raise the dead, climb through hell, and fight the devil if you must; even the gods won’t interfere when they see a wrath like yours, harbinger. fear not, child of stars, lady midnight, the gods need not your wrath to bring about your damnation.)"

hehe this is from one of those never-ending fics that i keep in my drafts and finish two years later cause why not !

19. what are some books or authors that influenced your style the most?

rick riordan honestly altered my brain chemistry as a child. he was my favourite author for so long which is why i was a little disappointed when i grew up and read about all the cultural stereotypes in his writing :( aside from him, i know this is controversial, but i really like sarah j. maas's writing style for some reason? she focuses a lot on characters, rather than plot, and i tend to do the same, but overall i just enjoy her silly writing.

20. what is your favorite trope to write?

ahh this is such a hard one to choose from, but if i'm being honest i'm always a sucker for two characters in a relationship arguing and being really hurtful towards each other, and then later making up and being so so soft. idk if it counts as a trope, but i have countless wips of this ^.^

39. are you an avid reader?

yes ! ever since childhood ! i used to be a really shy kid and would always read while the teacher was talking until i was told multiple times to put my book away > < i'm more social now and usually only read during breaks when i don't have school to worry about !

42. describe the aesthetic of a story in 5 words.

this question confuses me a little, honestly... like one of my stories? a story i like? i'm so confused > <

since it's not very specific, i'm going to do it based off of this: JJK Men Tropes, if that's okay !

Suguru Version (cause i've been thinking of @mambalae-s recently and i'm always reminded of her love for Suguru): imprints, confessions, promises, childhood, and forever !

45. name three of your favorite fanfic writers.

it's been a while since i've read fanfic and this is more than three, i'm sorry > <

@tawus, @/beaubcxton on ao3, @/impxria on ao3, @edendaphne, and @/xoxodee on ao3 !

64. what is your favourite title for a fic you’ve read?

honestly, any taylor swift lyrics, but also you don't even know me at all (but i was made for loving you), and What Shall I Swear By? (Swear By Yourself, and I’ll Believe You), and Say It Later, Say It Now, and i put this heavy heart in you (it's not your fault) !

i find them all so so poetic and heart-wrenching !

ask game - come say hi (i promise i don't bite ^.^)

#i've read too many miraculous fics haven't i ^^#i don't even like the show #what's wrong with me #i have like 600 fanfics in my bookmarks #i wanna make a rec list #and omg don't apologize ml !!#i love answering these and talking about myself > <#thank u sm for participating #i had so much fun scrounging up these answers #it's nice to have a friend #i think she knows

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sucrows · 1 year

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So i took a quiz on the internet abt what pet name your s/o would call you and i got "sweetheart" so my mind immediately went to naru calling me that and i kid you not i just. Melted. Because i just Know she'd say it so gently, so softly. She'd sound so loving as she makes me come apart under her hands, praise rolling so easily off her tongue. I am not immune to her charms so I'd probably start crying at any given point but that's ok!! Just. Gentle sex with Naru. Having her probe at all my insecurities with praise until I'm just a mess. I want her to take care of me and call me cute names so badly. I'm so self conscious about being short but I swear to god my brain chemistry would be altered if she wanted to hug me close to her chest and tell me how small and cute I am and how well I fit in her arms. I am all in for domming Naru but I am the epitome of touch starved and she would exploit that so badly. She's gonna lay bare my entire soul and honestly I'd let her. I love women so badly. God. Naru

My emotions are running high from all the things people have done for me on my birthday and it shows! Sorry about that I'm just a lesbian 😔

awwww no apologies required here, I hope your birthday was lovely!

but yes! despite how much we all wish to spoil her, she is honestly someone who loves doing the spoiling for others. She would totally hold you close and whisper sweet words at you until you're crying, then kiss them better and gently fuck you into forgetting you ever felt insecure in her presence in the first place.

#asks #ask.thirst #ask.nsfw #thirst #thirst.arashi #nsfw.arashi

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cv01doodle · 1 year

Text

vocaloid tag game!!!!

yay thank u @hopealop3 for tagging me :D

name 10 of ur fave vocalsynths and songs to go along with em 💃🕺 3 songs max

(tagging people in tag games and stuff make me anxious SORRY LOL you don't need to do this if you don't want to btw. also if i didn't tag you SORRY AS WELL...) @marchimoon @potetopancakes :3

Hatsune Miku: dude. there are so much but. umi no searchlight by cowshi is sooo catchy it's in the SNOWMIKU 2022 album and the MV is so funny lol.

also scheveningen by pinocchioP it's really old but it's stuck in my head again LOL

behind the mask, there are dry eyes by koko wa, wonderland it's very good and it's on the miku channel for 39culture... idk what to say it's really very good

Sato Sasara: dokusou by YASUHIRO!!! it's my first sasara song but it's still my fave lol... i swear i know more... LMAO

Chis-A: this one's gonna be long i love chisei sorryyyy

revanche by aira!!!!! aira is a producer more popular on nico so i don't really expect much people to know them ;-; but they make some of my fave chisei stuff dude he's so good. this is their colorless festival song but they've made two other good songs for vocacolle as well PLEASE CHECK EM OUT

nounai kousenchuu by lesotax!!! this one is literally sooo small but literally SO GOOD good guitar good chisei vocals and funny lyrics plz listen if u got the chance

kamaboko ka mahoro ka makoto ka by mashima yuro... the lyrics are catchy and the animation is soooo cute i love chisei

Kagamine Rin: niibiro dolore by tsumiki… it’s been my favorite for a while i’m pretty sure it’s altered my brain chemistry as well LOL

pikapika candy loveism by kashii moimi (BANGER) (THIS SONG IS SO SLAY)

flower: apple and pomegranate by kuriyama yuri... this is less about flower and more about kuriyama yuri and the boys (van de shop) this song is soooooo good. like omg. it's been like 3 days

also shounin by iroharingo... classic raspy flower song with the noises and weird piano. also una is there its very good imo

#PARASITES by kanna tateisu... not much to say its a cool song LOL i love kanna tateisu's songs

MEIKO: TYQOON by sohbana! her tuning is SOOOO CUTE this was for vocacolle fall 2022 and i still love it SO MUCH

Hanakuma Chifuyu: actress by iyowa because i always become obsessed with one of iyowa's songs once in a while lol......

Kaai Yuki: okay hold on this one will also be long. sorry she's just so funny.

kyoufuu all back by yukopi like this is so funny. this wasn't even apart of vocacolle and it's still dominating the charts. it has millions on youtube. and all she sings about is the wind hitting her face and funny recorder plays in the back....... its like peak VOCALOID...

watashi wa saitei by NIMONO cuz it's vibes and also the art is really pretty

amber fever by toiki is literally too catchy. toiki makes some catchy songs

Gekiyaku: black moon rising by yoshihisa hirata is really cool like thats all i have to say it's so good. made me change my favorite UTAU lmao

Otomachi Una: precious syndrome by WADATAKEAKI!!!! nothing much to say i just love WADATAKEAKI lol and also YM works on the MV with sora and i love both of their artworks so much <3

also loved smoothie by 1202isana is SO CUTE it's the same producer who made menhera janai mon... it's been like 2 years that's crazy

#sorry for replying late i was at class when u tagged me and my school’s wifi has tumblr banned 😭#also i thought really hard about this list LOL i like too much songs #thats why it took forever to post LOL #tag game #thx for the tag again hope i'm gonna listen to ur song recs right as this posts yayyy #doing this made me realize i have nothing to say about the synths and more to say abt the producer LMAO

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reynie-muldoons · 1 year

Text

"A Commitment to All Things Cozy" liveblog!

FINALLY!! I've been super busy, but I can finally sit down and just enjoy myself. I'm watching both episodes- episode 6 tonight, and episode 7 either tonight or in the morning.

As always, spoilers below the cut!

0:32 the fact that they highlighted the "treat them without mercy" line in the recap makes me Nervous

0:58 oh shit, they didnt even play the intro. Things are getting serious

1:08 .....Martina?

1:27 RHONDAAAAA

1:32 and Martina :) team up of the century

1:47 "classic." God I missed Kate and Martina's dynamic

2:10 "to bring Curtain down" we love a vindictive woman

2:27 "Are you okay with this, Constance?" GOD I LOVE HER SO MUCH. she took the time to pause and get consent from the affected party. QUEEN BEHAVIOR.

2:31 "no one can punish her more than she punishes herself." Mic drop baby girl

2:33 "that's true 😥" HAHAHAHA

2:39 Italy? Somehow I did not expect that

2:52 "um... we are independent contractors....no skin in the game." "Not at all." "open to a buy out." okay this is fucking golden

3:03 LMAO HEY the gang's all together

3:17 MILLIGAN USED A TRANQ GUN SHDJDJDHJD. Even if it's just a blow dart one it COUNTS

3:21 "Hello." what an entrance

3:27 fambly 🥺

3:56 MILLIGAN WHY DO YOU RUN LIKE THAT. Boy's high-kneeing

4:15 oh my gosh you could SEE her make the choice to sacrifice herself. Tears. TEARS.

4:33 shit. SHIT. MILLIGAN.

4:52 WHERE ARE STICKY AND CONSTANCE

4:55 oh now the opening plays? After that shitshow???

6:02 this is fucking strange

6:28 twi-night by stephanie meyers, coming soon to a theater near you

7:10 while I agree that there are people in the world who refuse to be happy, people who dont want to their brain chemistry to be chemically altered with some kind of high-risk strain of hypnosis dont fall into that category

7:19 Nicholas I swear to god if you dont appreciate number two the way she deserves

8:30 I love the artistic prowess, the peels are adorable 😂

8:46 WE'RE DOING THIS??? WE'RE FOLLOWING THE DUSKWORT PLOTLINE?????

8:59 the comment about the clothes being too tight was, uh. Not necessary. Dont love that

9:46 "Good. Are you prepared to do it?" That is the question, and I'm really not sure what the answer is. I dont think Mr B knows the answer either

10:09 damn, they're really getting into it 😂

10:20 "Ha." MILLIGAN

11:09 "I'm sorry. I'm not helping." "Dont apologize, if you're feeling something, it's okay, say it!" First of all, queen behavior from Rhonda once again. Second, PLEASE. Reynie has been bottling up his feelings since day fucking one, let the boy vent

11:37 "and angry." "At what?" "Myself." Hoooo boy we're getting into it

11:51 "more. Louder." YES LET HIM YELL IT OUT

12:09 glad he's getting this out but why rip off the vest 😂😂😂 what did the vest do to you

12:10 DAMN LMAO scream it out!!!

12:26 "how did that feel?" "Good. Strange, but good." Yeah it's strange because you bottle everything up

12:51 how did they manage to hitchhike on a chicken truck. How did they get here 😂

13:36 I thought people outside the compound didnt receive the technique thing, but this guy seems pretty frozen

14:21 that inn seems like it's right in front of them, why did they just notice it now lol

14:30 that front entry looks adorable.

14:38 weird vibes from these two

15:04 "a commitment to all things cozy." Cheers to that, and roll credits!

15:38 awww, I love the mug cozies :) I tried to make those one time, but you have to be very careful because if you make them wrong bc it will literally never come off of the mug and you'll never be able to get it entirely clean or dry because of the yarn LOL

16:28 how much are they about to charge these kids for room and board, because I hate to break it to you but they're flat fucking broke

16:45 dumbass didnt realize that a pushpin would keep the globe from turning. Definition of book smart versus street smart

16:59 I was thinking about this earlier, Curtain has had no interaction with Miss Perumal, there's no reason he would recognize the name or know her significance

17:23 I like how he was so sure that Miss Permual's story was a cover when it's just. True.

17:49 oh here we go, they're gonna tell him

18:11 two things:

1. Shoot your shot, you're probably doing better than Marlin anyway lol

2. I love how hard they're trying to break the news gently, but it's not going to work with the monstrous temper on that guy 🥴

18:37 is he calling the victims weak-minded? Like what's the founding in that? Also, that still makes it a side effect of the happiness cult

18:42 "and ethically, their medical condition cannot be shared with the others" he said hipaa laws, bitch

18:59 daaaamn.

19:05 "I dont trust this doctor. Find another one." Maybe that's why he hired Marlin, they're two sides of the same coin. He said the same thing

19:28 "is this the silence of consensus?" "I dont need protecting." Okay two things:

1. Kate's fierce independence is rearing its head, girl basically raised herself and now she has to get used to letting people have her back. I had to do the same thing growing up. Love to see it.

2. I'm sorry but Milligan's sass is the funniest fucking thing to me, you go boy

19:40 "I am careful." "You fell off a cliff. carefully?" book!Milligan cant really say anything about that one, but show!Milligan can 😂

19:51 "I was alone for a really long time. I had to learn to take care of myself." THERE IT IS.

19:56 "and then you just...showed up!"

20:17 "ARE WE PREPARED TO WIN??" Martina I love the energy you're bringing, but please read the room 😂😂😂

20:20 LMAO YOU GO GIRL

21:00 oh baby I know you're young but I KNOW you did not just do that

21:28 I dont think roasting your hosts is going to get you very far

21:42 yeahhhh I'm with Sticky

21:50 okay so every arc is coming to a peak right now, damn

22:10 tell me this isn't about to be another tv special

22:12 ughhhh

22:38 I dont like this

22:49 creepy. I guess that's how people outside the compound get recruited

23:12 "could I have predicted that Elena would start instead of me? No one could. Because it makes no sense." I love the shade 😂 she's so passionate

23:27 "but no matter what goes down, I'm glad we got to hang out again."

23:34 Madge's honor, that's adorable

23:57 "but standing by if you need me...while also giving you space" I love him so much hahahahah

23:59 THEIR FACES HAHAHAHA

24:03 YES MARTINA GET THROUGH TO HER

24:18 Martina's parents not putting in effort to get to know her explains why she tried so damn hard in school- to get their attention

24:22 "Your dad's trying."

24:56 god he's about to see her and not have any clue wtf is happening

25:22 that poor man

25:57 it's so alien hearing her say such high praise 😂

27:07 I'm so glad they were able to blow up at each other, and now they can actually talk through it. That's so important.

27:33 RHONDAAAAA

27:13 "I'm confused too. But I love you just the way you are." My daddy issues are QUAKINGGG.

27:50 god Reynie doesnt even know and Milligan's trying to break it easy

28:14 "wait, did you just call me sticky?" That's right, she only ever calls him George or George Washington

28:33 the fucking pose 🥴 corny bastard

28:46 "my failure at the Institute shattered me as a man" really? Couldnt tell from the desperacy to prove yourself

29:18 what is that coat thing??? Fugly

29:47 he looks so stupid in the hobo clothes

30:20 why are they both so weird and stiff

30:56 and this is the reason Reynie's joke landed last season- both of their senses of humor are broken 😂

30:59 STOP SHE LOOKS SO SCARED

31:28 oh damn, how did they even know her to recommend her? That's interesting

32:01 "we forgive you." They have the creepy twin thing nailed

32:11 THE PATS

32:19 Martina you sneaky snake 😂😂

32:57 we love a responsible girl. Or at least slightly responsible

33:02 SGDJDHDJDJ HER FACE WHEN SHE REALIZED, THE TENDERNESS, THE FACT THAT KATE NEVER INITIATES INTIMACY,,,,

33:11 "I'll see you down the road, friends." PLEASE tell me that means she's planned for S3

33:44 the sideeye he just gave her 🤨

34:10 oh he is so gonna blow it

34:17 funky looking pot. I like the colors

34:54 dude

35:24 so this is his plan, sic the kid on her

Wow, what an episode. Overall, good!! Lots of action, character arcs are moving towards resolution. Didnt love some of the side commentary, especially those couple weight jokes. That was tasteless and unnecessary. But generally things are falling into place. I cant wait to watch episode 7!

#a commitment to all things cozy #mbs disney+ s2 #mbs liveblog #the mysterious benedict society #charity's talkies

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