#but short answer is YES I WILL WRITE FOR SUBCULTURE

[imsfire2]

List 5 topics you can talk on for an hour without preparing any material.

I've been tagged by @sleeplessant so here we go, in no particular order:

Ceramics. My current creative passion, and one of the happiest discoveries of my adult life. Believe me, clay is very exciting! There's so much to learn and so much room to experiment, and every time you fire a piece, there's a wonderful additional benefit in having to let go of the need for control, because you can literally never be 100% sure of what state your work will be in when it comes out of the kiln. As well as that, the intense focus of concentrating on making something by hand is intensely relaxing and very good for the mental health. And you get a plate you can eat off at the end (or a bowl, or mug, or a vase, or a sculpture...).

Greece. The beautiful land of Hellas, and the Hellene people with their wonderful culture, history, language and cuisine. I could probably talk for way more than an hour on each of those topics, not to mention the legends and mythology, the landscapes and seascapes, and the joys of travelling in Greece.

Working as an artists' model, with all its delights and tribulations. I love my work and find it fascinating, but I have so many horror stories about the life room, and indeed the art world in general. Many are hilarious; some are appalling. It's an entire subculture, utterly batty at times, and full of extraordinary people, both heroes and arseholes.

Making new clothes out of recycled old clothes. Combine the fun of fashion with the satisfaction of recycling and repurposing things that would otherwise end up in landfill - and get a new pair of shorts out of it!

Proofreading, spelling, and general literacy, and why these are so important. In current education and everyday communications, especially on social media, there's a casual disregard for correct spelling and grammar; and so long as everyone is cool with that, and you're all speaking the same codes, that will work ok. But at some point or other in life we can all find ourselves in a situation where being unable to spell correctly, or unaware of how to construct a grammatical sentence, can be disastrous. You don't get a job interview despite being highly experienced in the field; your manuscipt is rejected out of hand; your dissertation is marked down so hard you fail your degree course. All because you can't spell and don't know the rules of writing in your own language, and irresponsible teachers have been letting you coast for years without learning them. Spellcheckers (and their nightmare cousins, grammar checkers) are by no means the answer - they cannot, for example, tell the difference between "now" and "not", and exchanging one of these for the other will hugely alter the meaning of your sentence. Yes, languages evolve constantly, and this is great; but it's simple pragmatism to be able to write your native language "correctly" in the present time. And if you can't, then own up to it and get a proofreader!

OK, ahem, rant over.

I'm going to nominate @thefulcrumcaptain, @ladyk23, @snooziep, @jynappreciationsquad and @dasakuryo - but only if you have the time and the spoons!

#rant for an hour game #@sleeplessant #thank you for the tag!

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

what are your favorite songs? do you have a playlist?

Okay, this is a long list so I'll just write a short answer: I have a pretty standard music taste:

Dylan [various albums from the 50s to 70s, especially "Blonde on Blonde" and "Time Out of Mind"], although I only know him from hearing my parents play him in the car

Elvis [various albums from the 50s to 70s, especially "In the Month of June"]

Led Zeppelin [various albums from the 1970s to the early 80s, including most of their classic, non-trony period stuff like "The Song Remains the Same"]

Various prog rock bands like Genesis [various albums from the mid-to-late 70s]

Van der Graaf Generator [various albums from the mid-to-late 70s]. Their stuff tends to be very repetitive, but they're very memorable and I like the weirdness

King Crimson [various albums over the course of several decades], my favorite is "Larks Tongues in Aspic"

Various prog rock bands over the years, especially Yes and Emerson, Lake and Palmer [various albums over the decades, especially "Discovery" and "Brain Salad Surgery" from the 70s and 80s respectively]

Elton John [solo albums from the 60s to the 90s, particularly "Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy" and "Sacred Ground" from the 70s]

Various artists [various albums from the 1980s to the present, particularly "The Hissing of Summer Lawns" from 1989 and "The Unseen Power of Love" from 1990]

Pink Floyd [various albums from the 60s to the 90s, particularly "The Wall" and the more "progressive" albums from the 70s to the 80s]

King Crimson [various albums from the 90s to present]

Various other (non-superstar) rock groups [some old stuff from the 50s, some more modern stuff from the present]

There are a bunch of others that I like that aren't on here either because they are obscure enough to be forgettable or because I haven't given them enough attention to remember what they sound like. And a few others I just like the music of, even if I don't particularly care about the band.

Some songs to listen to:

"You've Come a Long Way, Baby" by Elvis, a song of a certain sort that I don't usually like, but it's a good song anyway, and the line "I don't care to listen to what you've got to say / I'll leave and never look back" just sticks with me (a lot)

"Sitting on a Cornflake" by Pink Floyd

"Sunshine of Your Love" by the Beach Boys

"In the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins

"In the Still of the Night" by Phil Collins

"Toto's Africa" by Toto

"There Is An Air (Above Our Heads)" by King Crimson

"The Ledge" by King Crimson

"Killing An Arab" by Status Quo

"Black Magic Woman" by Stevie Wonder

"Burn" by U2 (okay, maybe it's just that I associate it with an intense emotion)

"The Preacher" by Black Sabbath

I think it's interesting that a lot of people who aren't particularly interested in rock music would have this long list of "bands you listen to" they keep bringing up. In part I think this is just a reflection of how I am: I listen to many bands, but usually not many of the same ones several times in a row, and so not many bands in my library would appear on someone else's list of their favorite. But in part it is probably a reflection of how we tend to construct lists of favorite music in general. There is such a thing as an "idol band" — a very popular band that many people who are into music listen to. This is one of the few places you don't often find people giving you lists of favorite songs by an "idol" band, because most people don't care about music that much, and just don't give it a lot of thought. If you find a band that has a wide fan base, you will probably find them at various points in your entire music library, but if you have a large music library (most people do) there are lots of bands you listen to that aren't especially well known outside of the specific subculture of people who really love that particular band. And it's this sort of music that is least likely to have its songs pop up in your list of favorite songs — unless you specifically list a band you like, or even only

#my inexplicable obsessions #rainbowvariant

[correct-vampire-opinions]

You have piqued my interest in VTM. Will you tell me more?

Oh god ok. Okay so this is going to be a long one.

The short answer is that Vampire: The Masquerade is one of three mainline White Wolf games centered around being, if you haven't guessed, a vampire. One of thirteen Bloodlines descended from Cain (yes, that one) who has to grapple with societal bullshit, existential bullshit, and also everyone trying to either take advantage of you or murder you. And also the apocalypse.

This game came out in the 90s, and attracts a certain crowd to it because it pretty unflinchingly grapples with (or. Does its best to grapple with. White Wolf is not good at writing to put it mildly and with many TTRPG settings you have to kind of pick and choose what lore you're keeping) some pretty dark topics and is unafraid of player characters who are at best morally grey and at worst unapologetic baby-eaters and subtextual serial rapists.

Culturally, regardless of the V5 timeline, Vampire and all World of Darkness settings are trapped in the 90s, and specifically trapped in the goth/punk subcultures' ideas of certain things. As written by a bunch of white guys. So this is also important to keep in mind when discussing it. I understand that I am not doing a very good job of explaining why I love VTM, but stick with me on this ok.

The core conceit of Vampire is that the power of an individual Kindred is dependent on how far removed they are from Caine. To be Third Generation--you are the direct childe of one of Caine's childer--makes you an Antedeluvian, the founder of a bloodline and indescribably powerful. The threat of you stirring from torpor could topple societies, and is directly considered to be The Fucking Apocalypse Itself as you drown the world in a tidal wave of blood.

For perspective: the "expected" VTM character tends to hover somewhere around Generation 10-12, though it can go up or down depending on the game and whether people are roleplaying wish fulfillment. A Generation 12 vampire is separated from a Generation 10 vampire by anywhere from several decades to a couple hundred years. A Generation 12 vampire is separated from a Generation 3 vampire by millennia.

This means that you are not shit. You are at the bottom of the food chain, a chihuahua in a dog-eat-dog world where everyone you meet is as desperate to survive as you are and the only difference is how long they've had to scheme and backstab their way into a better position than you. You are separated from human society in a fundamental way that means that even your best efforts at blending in are a tenuous proposition, vampire society is incredibly volatile, and there are so MANY things that would be happy to kill your ass.

In addition, you are no longer the only person living in your head. The transformation into a vampire gives you a Beast, essentially a worse version of yourself that wants to eat as much as it wants and fuck forever. It will be very persuasive. If you listen to it you will become an unthinking monster. Clinging to your humanity is painful, but it is what keeps you yourself.

Ultimately, what compels me about the game are the huge variety in character builds (wanna be the archetypical Dracula? A Count Orlock? Lestat? Fuck it, Blade?) you can do, and some honestly really interesting lore to play with provided you go into it with a hazmat suit. I think that a system that plays so deeply with layered allegories for abuse and alienation, as well as a potentially really interesting exploration of what humanity looks like and the paradigm shift you can experience when you no longer necessarily WANT to be a good person, in a world determined to break you, make for really engaging character studies.

Vampire The Masquerade: Bloodlines is, if you're willing to tolerate 2003 RPG-tier jank, perhaps the best game that explores this setting if you're interested, but it very much wears its cringe on its sleeve. There's also the books of course! With similar caveats!

God, I'm bad at this.

[southwalessubculture]

hi idk if you're taking requests but if you are i was hoping you could write something about subculture? nothing romantic or anything just maybe like what their dynamic is or how you think they became a group? they're on of my favorites right now!

hello doll! is there anything specific you want? i would LOVE to write for subculture, they're one of my favorite groups too! if there's nothing specific I'll absolutely pull something off my list of ideas!

#jess speaks #but short answer is YES I WILL WRITE FOR SUBCULTURE #PLEASE REQUEST SUBCULTURE STUFF #i've got a certain friend that's perfectly aware of how i'm always ready to write for subculture

[loser-poser-emo]

why emo changed so much in 00s?

why emo became mainstream? (in 00s). or why emo became commercialized? (in 00s). or why emo is like that? why emo became a label, which people started to use to mark everything that is sad? and more alternative headings. first, i'm not talking about emo rap here! it's a completely different genre and it's a theme for another post. although, it wouldn't be fait not to mention them, cuz a lot of emos say that label is wrong. and i will try to write about wrong labels tonight! i will say that emo rap may be named this. just it's not real emo! but it's not fake in mcr-fob-atl way it's just rap, not rock. it's a valid genre... okay, back to the theme. it is interesting, how of something that was more of a scene thing, emo became a huge thing. a huge label. i don't wanna say that sunny day real estate were underground. hell, even rites of spring weren't completely unsuccessful! but the thing is, if you ask people on a street which is the most popular emo band - most of them will say my. chemical. romance. and that is the problem. and it's not just emo evolved!! you don't get it!! bla-bla-bla!! it's something more. way more.

it all started in 00s, when people realised they can make a profit of emo stuff and there were tons of bands who were positioned in society as emo bands while being their own form - and like that, fifteen years ago almost every popular alt-rock band was called emo! some kind of fashion became a deeper point in whole subculture - you know what i'm talking about - all this heavy makeup, huge fringes... this kind of style became inseparable of the word "emo" back then - and even now! everyone was emo, everyone was listening to mcr, p!atd, the used... (none of them are emo)... while in 90s - aka "second wave" - everyone just dressed up as nerds and copied weezer's rivers cuomo . but there were "real emo" bands in 00s, don't worry.

this was an insert of my last post's draft. what else can i say? emo became a subculture. a huge one. and now you're probably like whaaat? but it was in 90s? when me and my friend went to the get up kids' show and there were christie front drive fans? the short answer is... yes. the wrong answer is... no. i'm gonna do something that you all will never forgive me. i'm gonna compare emo to... grunge. no! no! don't close the post. i'm gonna explain. you probably thought i'm gonna say nirvana are emo here's proof. insert long silence. no. but the point is- it's a pretty famous fact that grunge scene and emo scene (at least, in the 90s) were maybe a bit but tied. maybe it was inevitable. two alt-rock scenes, originated in 80s, with hardcore roots... you want proof? sunny day real estate(i think, the most popular 90s emo band) were signed to the same label as nirvana. and guys from there were playing in foo fighters for some time. yeah. also, jawbreaker. they toured with nirvana. my point is, in my opinion grunge now is having something really alike with emo. hear me out. i'm not saying it also started in 00s. in my opinion it was at least in 2010s. but i'm not really a grunge expert. feel free to correct me about it and well, everything. so in 2010s, with popularity of tumblr(ironic) the grunge became more of a lifestyle? if it's not your first day on the internet, you may know what i'm hinting at. to add to my point, i would like to quote from aesthetics wiki (please don't sue me): "Grunge is a darker, edgier style that is usually depicted these days with glitches, vinyl records, cigarettes, neon lights, and the color black (which has absolutely nothing to do with the original grunge)."

so grunge became a style. really hip, huh? and it was inspired by original, real grunge. and you may say "well, if it was new kind of grunge, why mcr aren't emo?". BECAUSE. arctic monkeys were called grunge. did it make them grunge? no. but try to search grunge on spotify. it's really funny. but the fact is, the grunge became into it's own internet thing. but now most of people say what is real grunge and it's a common thing. but it's different with emo. cause the majority here accepts mcr as emo. maybe i should look from a different side. maybe in 00s there just became a subculture inspired by sdre and they had their own music, and clothing, and everything. but why is it also called emo? WHY?? WHY?? god i stopped understanding everything emo doesnt exist nothing matters

#emo #midwest emo #emocore #real emo #loserposeremo

[psychosistr]

The Stars of the Stage- Chapter 2

Summary: Jonathan runs into a familiar face while getting breakfast at his local coffee shop- lucky for him, that familiar face is quite handsome.

Notes: Who doesn't love a good old fashioned cute "accidentally met up at the coffee shop scenario"? x3

-First Chapter-

Needless to say, Speedwagon got the part of Sir Haste Dray without any other actors really being considered. Soon enough, the rest of the cast list was set, full scripts were sent out to the chosen actors, and rehearsals were scheduled to begin.

Jonathan was excited to see how well the show would come together. However, first, he had to finish up a few last-minute touch-ups for the script. The lines would still be essentially the same, he was just revising the movements for the climactic final fight to make it more dramatic while still being believable.

To help with his concentration, he went to work at the same place he always did when the weather was nice- his favorite coffee shop situated along the river near his apartment complex, The Ripple. He was seated outside at a table under the awning with his laptop open on the table in front of him and a large covered coffee cup with a plate of pastries off to the side. In the middle of deleting a line he’d just typed and had found less than satisfactory, however, he heard a voice calling his name.

“Mr.Joestar?” A figure accompanied the voice approaching him and he looked up to see a familiar looking blonde man dressed in a white tank top and a dark hat. “Ah, thought that was you. ‘ow’s it goin’, Mr.Joestar?” The man greeted him with a friendly smile.

“Oh! Mr.Speedwagon!” Jonathan smiled at him, taking off his glasses and setting them down on the keyboard to see the other man more clearly. “What a pleasant surprise.” He gestured to the seat across from himself at the table. “Stopping in for a drink? If you would like, you’re more than welcome to join me.”

“Mighty kind o’ y’.” Speedwagon grinned and headed for the entrance to the café. “Lemme just go grab a cup an’ I’ll be right back.” He was quick to return with a much smaller cup than Jonathan’s own and a simple croissant rather than Jonathan’s platter of pastries. “So, do y’ come ‘ere often?”

“Actually, yes.” Jonathan chuckled, pointing to his apartment complex down the street. “I actually live right over there. I usually end up here nearly every day of the week, depending on how busy I am.”

“Ha! Y’ gotta be kiddin’ me!” The other man chuckled and pointed at an apartment complex on the opposite side of the river facing the one that Jonathan had pointed at. “I live over in that one, on the fourth floor. Just moved in a few weeks back an’ I’m learnin’ me way ‘round the neighborhood.”

“Really?” Jonathan looked at where he’d pointed then back to his own, noting how the fourth floor lined up with the floor he lived on almost evenly. “Why, it would appear that we are neighbors then.” He chuckled a bit- life sure did work in mysterious ways. “In all likelihood, we’ll certainly be seeing quite a bit of each other.”

Speedwagon took a sip of his drink with a pleased hum. “Well, I sure wouln’ mind that one bit.” He set the cup down and broke off a piece of his croissant. “Say, while I got y’ ‘ere, there’s somethin’ I’d been meanin’ t’ ask y’.”

Jonathan watched the blonde curiously while eating one of his own confections. “Oh?” He swallowed and gestured for Speedwagon to continue. “What would that be, Mr.Speedwagon?”

The blonde man winced slightly at the title. “Ugh, please don’ call me that..makes me feel old. Just Speedwagon’s fine, or even Robert- but don’ go callin’ me Bob or anythin’ like that or I may have t’ deck y’.”

Jonathan chuckled a bit and nodded in agreement. “In that case, please refrain from calling me ‘Mr.Joestar’- just Jonathan is fine, or even Jojo, as that is how most of my friends and colleagues refer to me.”

“Alrigh’ then, Jojo.” Speedwagon’s smile returned, apparently pleased with the increased familiarity between the two of them now. “I read through the script that y’ sent me, an’ I was wonderin’ if I could ask y’ somethin’ ‘bout me character.”

Jonathan nodded as he listened, wondering if perhaps he’d made something unclear about Sir Haste Dray that he would need to explain in more detail. “About Sir Dray? Of course, what would you like to know?”

“Well..it might jus’ be me readin’ too much of meself int’ the character..but..” He paused, tapping his finger against the coffee cup as if considering his wording carefully. “I know the romantic focus for Lord Samuel Sunstone ‘s Lady Bella Penrith..but..does Sir Dray, y’know, ‘ave feelin’s for Lord Sunstone, too?”

Jonathan’s eyes widened slightly. “What..?” Had he really…?

Speedwagon looked back up at him with a thoughtful expression. “Don’ get me wrong, I love the relationship with Samuel an’ Bella, i’s really sweet an’ a long time comin’..but..I dunno, when I read Dray’s lines, the way ‘e talks about lovin’ Samuel’s good nature an’ ‘ow ‘e completely devotes ‘imself to the guy..it just makes me think ‘e might ‘ave a thing for ‘im, y’know?” He frowned at Jonathan’s wide-eyed stare. “I mean, if I’m wrong, y’ can tell me, I was just wonderin’-”

He was startled when Jonathan suddenly reached across the table with both hands and grabbed Speedwagon’s shoulders with an excited smile on his face and stars in his eyes. “You actually picked up on that?! Oh, I cannot believe it! I did not know if that would still come through, but I am delighted you were able to see it!!”

Speedwagon blinked in confusion. “Wait..so..I got it right..?”

“You did!” Jonathan suddenly realized that he had grabbed the smaller man and released him, settling back down in his seat with a slight flush to his cheeks. “My apologies, I became too excited again..I just..I am so happy you were able to notice the truth about Sir Dray’s feelings!” He was still smiling, he couldn’t help it with how excited he was. “I wanted to write their relationship into the story as well, but William said it would confuse the audience since most don’t associate such things with the time period. I tried to tell him that there was an entire subculture and code-system practiced by homosexuals during the Victorian era, but he said it would feel like too much for the audience to believe. So, I was forced to remove a few scenes with Samuel and Dray having the discussion about Dray’s sexual identity and the implications of such a thing between himself and Samuel, but I did not want to change any of the other scenes with them, so I left the dialogue unchanged. I cannot tell you how happy I am to know that their connection was still able to shine through enough for someone to recognize it!”

Speedwagon smiled too, beaming with pride. “I’m jus’ glad I wasn’ misjudgin’ the guy. People tell me all the time I’m tryin’ t’ projec’ me own ‘preferences’ ont’ characters. Good t’ know I was right on this one.”

Jonathan paused for a moment hearing those words, trying not to blush as a rogue idea crossed his mind. “So then..you are..?”

Speedwagon winked at him with a chuckle. “Yep. Gay as a maypole, mate.”

“O-Oh..I see..” Jonathan glanced away, his cheeks feeling warm. Really, now, how ridiculous was that? He barely knew the man and after one short conversation he felt like a school boy with a crush? Honestly, why was he like this? “Well, in any case, I am truly glad you identified so well with Sir Dray. Honestly, I was overjoyed that William allowed me to caste you for the part- you were a perfect fit.”

“Glad y’ thought so, ‘e caught my attention from the moment I read ‘is description.” He took a sip of his coffee and finished up his croissant. “By the way..mind if I ask y’ one more question ‘bout Dray an’ Samuel?”

“You may ask as many questions as you please- I am always excited to talk about my work.” Jonathan replied honestly, more than happy to discuss such things with someone insightful enough to understand his writing so well.

“Hmh, good t’ know.” Speedwagon smiled and set down his coffee cup before asking his question. “I jus’ wanted t’ know..are Dray’s feelin’s for Samuel one-sided, or does Samuel return some of it? Like I said, I’m fine with Samuel an’ Bella’s romance, but thinkin’ that ‘e doesn’ know ‘bout Dray’s feelin’s or jus’ allows the guy t’ follow ‘im ‘round knowin’ ‘e loves ‘im is kinda sad, y’know?”

“Ah..that is a good question.” Jonathan’s smile softened into something more understanding. “To answer it simply- no, Dray’s feelings are not one-sided. Samuel is quite aware of how his dearest friend feels, and, in one of the scenes I unfortunately had to cut, he discusses with his mentor that he has feelings for both his best friend and his long-time crush. He goes on to say that, in a perfect world, he would be allowed to marry both of them and live a long, happy life with the two who have supported him and showed him such love and kindness right when he needed it the most. His teacher acknowledges that his feelings are pure and that he deserves such a life, but advises him on how, even without the influence of the same dark forces the antagonist controls, that peoples’ hearts are fickle and easily led astray by misconceptions and tells him not to be too public with his affections, for both his own and Dray’s safety. I even wrote a scene towards the end where, after Samuel’s wedding to Bella, when they step into their horse-drawn carriage to be carted off for their honeymoon, Dray was the one waiting to open the door for them instead of a random servant. Dray and Samuel would have shared a loving smile at one another before Dray and Bella winked at each other knowingly and each kissed one of Samuel’s cheeks before all three went off into the carriage together to start their new life.”

Speedwagon listened to his words intently, looking positively riveted by the story. “That sounds beautiful, Jojo! Do y’ still ‘ave a copy with those scenes? I’d love t’ read ‘em some time.”

“Certainly.” He replied with a grin. “Would you like me to bring them to the set during the first rehearsal?”

“Hm..I’d rather not wait that long..” Speedwagon reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen. He then proceeded to write something on his coffee cup as he talked. “Tell y’ what, seein’ as we live so close t’ each other, ‘ow ‘bout we just meet up ‘ere again sometime?” He brought the cup to his lips and chugged the last of his drink before setting the cup down near Jonathan’s hand. “I gotta get goin’, else I’ll miss work, but I usually keep me phone on me.” He gave Jonathan a wink as he stood up and grabbed the rest of his trash before walking away. “Be seein’ y’, Jojo.”

Jonathan’s face heated up again from the wink. “F-Farewell for now, Speedwagon.” He managed a wave and a smile, feeling really shy and screaming at himself internally because DID HE REALLY JUST STUTTER LIKE THAT?!!

Once Speedwagon was out of sight, Jonathan looked back down at the coffee cup and grabbed it. He turned it around until he saw that Speedwagon had written his phone number along the side of it along with a message:

“You’re really cute and I like listening to you talk. Looking forward to doing it again sometime- maybe here, or maybe somewhere else? ;) <3 –Speedwagon”

The heat that had previously been burning at his cheeks blossomed into a full-fledged blush that encompassed both of his cheeks and his ears, leaving his face very red.

So, he wasn’t the only one feeling something? That was good to know…

<-Previous Chapter Next Chapter->

End Notes: That's all I have for now, but will post more when I eventually get the chance x3

Also, for anyone curious about the names of the characters from the play, they're all synonyms or close-enough names to the characters from the regular universe because I am half-lazy and half-bad taste in humor x3

#JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #jonathan joestar #robert edward o speedwagon #jonawagon #Modern!AU #stars of the stage

[tisthenightofthewitch]

AN INTERVIEW WITH TOBIAS FORGE.

The Swedish rock band Ghost will be performing at the TaxSlayer Center on October 8. Coming off a European stadium tour with Metallica, the group has headlined summer festivals and has embarked on a massive North America tour that includes New York, Los Angeles, Chicago, Toronto, Boston … and Moline.

Tobias Forge is Ghost's creative force, front man, singer, songwriter, musician, and architect of the storylines woven through the band's albums, videos, webisodes, and live shows. Although Ghost has been awarded a Grammy and had three consecutive number-one songs on the Billboard mainstream charts, it is the musicians' tongue-in-cheek anti-pope appearance that truly defines them. In a July 30 interview, Tobias spoke about developing the band's visual identity and his aspirations as a filmmaker.

Visuals define Ghost’s image. Are they as important as the music?

Oh, absolutely. Even though I don’t sit down and specifically draw and paint our album covers, I’ve always been very specific in what I wanted. And how I wanted the record sleeve to embody the record I made.

As a record collector, I am more than often compelled by the artwork of a record. I’m a firm believer in a really nice-looking record sleeve. And that makes me want to like the record more. Today, even though people might not consume a recording in the physical way we used to, it’s definitely a case of your visual presentation that accompanies whatever file they are going to listen to. If the graphic content is aesthetically pleasing to the eye, it opens up an avenue into people’s souls. I know this because I’m so easily charmed by record sleeves.

Are the album titles also important?

Absolutely. There needs to be a sort of a narrative between the artwork and the title of the record. And, of course, its content. In some way or form, it helps if the title summarizes a little what the record is about. Usually, most good records have some sort of theme – even though the songs might be about different things.

A lot of singer/songwriters go through phases: it’s the “divorce” album, it’s the “I’ve just gotten married” record. “I’ve just became a father or mother” record. And “now I’m older” record. And “the midnight crisis” record. And “the beard” record. In some way or form, it’s good to communication a little of what kind of state of mind you were in while making it or which state of mind you want the listener to think you were in. As opposed to just leaving it blank.

There’s a fascinating word play in your titles. Do you enjoy playing with words? Creating a sense of mystery through words?

Very much so. I’m also very much influenced by cinema. Even though I know there’s no film called Infestissuman (the title of Ghost’s second album), I also try to come up with a title for a record that could be a film as well. Like a big epic, three-hour mastodon matinée film. (Laughs). I’d like to make a film called Meliora (the title of Ghost's third album).

I understand that you have aspirations to be a filmmaker. That you’re working on a film. Could you speak about the film?

About a future Ghost film?

Yes.

I cannot speak about it in detail. But, yes, I’ve always been very fascinated with the art of filmmaking.

I definitely am in the process of exploring the possibilities of combining my musician career with a film project. Let’s put it that way. And as with anything cinematic, it takes a lot of time – and way more politics – than making a record.

In the process of this, I’m trying to vet my brain and my ideas into being super-sober about making a film that is actually needed and called for and will turn out really great – so that it doesn’t just became a really confusing project.

Over the course of rock history, there are a few films that have been made that are really cool. Even though many of them end up in more of a cult section because they are … weird. I don’t mind weird at all. I grew up watching a lot of films like that.

I would love to make a film. I would love to make it good-weird, but it needs to be good as well. It needs to be something that people can watch. I’m currently in the process of learning if I can.

The humor in your webisodes complements your albums, which sound epic. That’s a fascinating combination.

Yes. Just to give you a hint of what I spoke of in my previous answer about a possible film: a full-length film would be in that vein. Based on that sort of mythology. I believe that there is something more to tell within the storyline – within the concept of what we’ve outlined briefly – in those episodes.

Most of my favorite films have some sort of absurd humor in them.

I think it’s important for films, too. Just as with any dish at any restaurant, there are certain ingredients that you need to have. Even if its just a pinch of salt. Usually you need that. There are certain aspects in there that make it a consumable plate.

Even if you’re making a horror film or drama or thriller, there needs to be some sort of comic relief at some point. I guess what would change in a long format, is that it wouldn’t be as comedic every minute as it is in the short form.

As there is comedy in a horror film, your music has a unique dichotomy. You have metal riffs and an understated singing style. That’s very appealing to me. Was this natural to you? Is it something you developed?

Everything develops on the basis that it is being received. So I believe that to a certain degree if you’re an artist – be it a musical artist or a filmmaker or a writer or a painter – you need to be somewhat auditive when it comes to the needs and the wishes of your receiving part. As much as any aficionado of subculture, I like a lot of artists that just go against everything and make whatever that comes into his or her head regardless of what a public thinks. But most successful artists have in some way or form nurtured the relationship they have between themselves and their audience. The way that you would nurture any relationship with another part – be it a partner in life or a partner in work. There’s some sort of collaboration.

If you look at big bands that went from debutantes playing clubs to big arena acts, their first records are usually slightly more raunchy and maybe faster in tempo and might include a little bit more complicated arrangements. What you usually find over the course of time and further into their careers, they start making records that are more moderately paced. Or they are paced in a different way. Certain songs don’t really translate very well in a very, very big room in front of thousands and thousands of people. Common lingo among rock fans is that, “Oh, they sold out. They just want to sell records.”

No, they write music that will feel comfortable in the setting – in the forum in which they are performing these songs.

You do what you feel is good for both parties, and that’s how you develop your relationship with your crowd. You don’t do this 100 percent all the time. But you should be aware that if you start doing shit that your significant other – in this case the crowd – doesn't like, you’d be stupid if you continue doing it.

Coming out of a Swedish metal tradition, your music is surprisingly melodic. Sometimes hauntingly beautiful tunes with beautiful choirs. How did this sound emerge?

I have always listened to lots of different music styles. Everything more or less oriented in punk and rock. Except for my love for underground extreme metal from the '80s, most of the other types of music that I listen to are actually quite melodic. I’ve always been melody driven. Ninety-nine percent of the time, my way of listening to a song is to listen to the melodies. It doesn’t hurt if there’s a really good rhythm.

For me, melody is like the dialogue of a film. If you just make a film with just background, it might be an interesting idea. But if you want the film to be of value, you definitely need to have someone within frame saying something. And it’s important what he or she is saying. That, for me, is the melody of a song.

But then you can pimp the song out in so many ways and that’s part of the craft of songwriting. But without a melody, the likelihood of a song being good is not big.

On your first album, I understand that you played all of the instruments except the drumming. Is it hard to only be the front man in live performances?

No, I’ve learned how to deal with that. I just had to sort of disregard how I viewed myself. I always thought that I was going to be the lead guitar player of a band. A Keith Richards in the band. My intention with Ghost was the same. During the first four years – between 2006 and 2010 – up until the very last moment of recording the album, I still thought that, just before mixing the record, that we better find a singer. We never found a singer. So we kept my demo vocals basically. I re-sung them to get better takes. They were on the demos just to explain how the song goes.

That’s the way I’ve always worked. When I write a song I always play everything. So regardless of who might have executed it on a record or executed it on stage, it’s always my way of playing. If I were to play a bass in another band, that’s how the bass would sound. If I were to play drums in a band, the basics of how I arrange songs, that what you hear in Ghost. That’s how I play the drums. Then I get a really good drummer in to play really well, but that’s how I approach thought in all these different instruments. And that has become a signature thing for Ghost.

That makes writing records easier. That makes having a band together very hard. But that is just the nature of the beast. It’s just coming to terms with accepting and owning that. It has definitely taken some time.

Fame doesn’t seem to be your prime mover. What do you think of fame now that your identity has been revealed?

I have, as much as anyone who has any inclination to rock in a band, always wanted to be in a well-known rock band. What comes with that is fame. Up until I was probably 30 years old, I wanted to be very famous. And I wanted to be known. After I started working with Ghost, I was definitely enjoying … . I wouldn’t say anonymity. I was never anonymous. But Ghost and the visual side of Ghost was definitely overshadowing anything that I was. Over the years of being in a well-known band without being a very well-known person myself, I actually started to prefer that over being a recognized person myself. Despite having wished for that before, there are definitely two sides of being recognized. When you dream about it, you only see the upsides. It’s only about the perks of fame.

I don’t feel in any way or form that my so called “coming out” was negative. It was just a weird thing having to deal with a higher level of recognition so far into your career. That was a little bit weird because it usually comes gradually.

For example, for seven years I never took photos of people. If you ever saw a photo of me, it was always a friend of mine that took a photo and I thought it would never be posted online. Or it was someone taking a photo of me without me knowing it. So all of a sudden, when I was out of the closet, you couldn’t really tell people any more that you wouldn’t take a photo with them. All of a sudden, you can’t say no to anyone.

That is something I suddenly had to adopt to because it was very easy earlier to say no, no, no, no. You know how it is. Now if I say no, someone could be very offended. Which is a little sad because I might be on my way into a car that is leaving in 10 seconds and we’re in a hurry. And there are 10 people by the car and you’re like, “I really don’t want to do this to you but … .” And I can’t even finish that sentence before the door is closed. And people get offended. I don’t want people to be offended and sad.

Fame is something that sort of came overnight. But it’s a good problem to have.

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#Tobias Forge #Tobias Interview #The Band Ghost #Ghost Band #Cardinal Copia

[polyamoryus]

Polyamory from the eye of the “unicorn” or the “third” (or.1)

When people say they are "in a relationship," they are generally referring to being one of a couple. They progress from the initial spark, to dating, to having sex, becoming exclusive, moving in together, getting married, and so on.

Polyamory (from Greek πολύ poly, "many, several", and Latin amor, "love") is the practice of, or desire for, intimate relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved. It has been described as "consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy".

If you're a poly newbie or more monogamously-oriented, there are probably a few phrases in here that you will be unfamiliar with. While some polyamorous relationships are not open to newcomers; other relationships allow new partnerships to develop. Like many other subcultures, the poly community has developed its own language. We use words like “compersion,” The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy. We use words like “polyfidelity” to describe an intimate relationship structure where all members are considered equal partners and agree to restrict sexual activity to only other members of the group., to distinguish them from relationships whose members are free to add new relationships. “Triad.” A polyamorous relationship between three people. Usually, this refers to a relationship where all three people are actively involved with each other (A is dating B, B is dating C, and A is dating C), also known as a "delta" or "triangle" triad or the more recently known as "throuple." The term can also refer to "vee" relationships, where two people are both dating one person (the hinge) but not each other. These relationships can be either open or closed/poly-fi.

A quad is the same as a triad, only with four people instead of three.

I couldn’t say Polyamory is either a good nor bad idea. It's a choice, just as monogamy is a choice. I'm polyamorous, so I like it.

I am polyamorous. I have a romantic relationship with multiple people at the same time.

I think I have always been polyamorous. Since I was a little kid, I have never liked the idea of having to pick sides. I remember my mom pointing out Brad Pitt and in my head, I thought Angelina Jolie looked just as nice as Brad, not one over the other, but both beautiful people. I remember fantasizing about couples in high school that were together, rather than just a cute boy or girl. I thought I was just a horny little teenager, but come to grow up and find out, it is a very normal feeling for some people. While it may not be an ideal fantasy or lifestyle for everyone, I found comfort in meeting likeminded individuals that shared the same thoughts or interests.

Having been in a triad for the past 6 years, Id say I have a great deal of experience when it comes to living the polyamorous lifestyle. Its not as complicated as it seems. Ive even met a dozen people who say they feel a sense of suffocating or being tied down in monogamous relationships. I was lucky to meet my partners at the young age of 18. Not really having much personal experience on monogamous relationships worked, other than what was displayed at home or on tv, all Ive really known is being poly. Ive always hated the idea of cheating, and even in my own family, Ive witnessed the urge to venture outside of the marriage. Ive always seen the curiosity, and in my head polyamory has always made sense.

When I met my girlfriend and boyfriend it was at a concert that I attended with a group of girls for promotional modeling. My now girlfriend was the top model. The first night I didn’t notice him a whole lot, but I knew they were together. She totally took the spotlight, I couldn’t take my eyes off her most of the evening. I remember thinking about her a lot after that night. She had my number and would text me sweet things and make me wonder about a lot. I knew she had a boyfriend, but she was totally flirting with me, and she was inviting me to come hang out with them.

Being so young, you could say i was somewhat prude to the whole thing. There was a lot of unspoken questions, that I just felt would be answered the more I came around. I was newly 18, at this age, I really wanted to be motivated in the right way. Ready to leave the nest, I was looking for a new experience. Boy , did I find it.

I never felt what I was doing was wrong, even though I can admit, it felt a little naughty. I was extremely attracted to her, and as my interest in her grew, so did my interest for him. Being the “third” I never wanted to step on her toes, or make her feel uncomfortable with me. After all, she was sharing everything with me, and I mean everything. In our type of triad, we do everything together, work together, eat together, sleep together, I think you get the point…. So my main goal and priority has always been making sure I knew my place. I have a huge amount of humility and respect for the foundation that brought us together.

I love the drive I share with my partners. Over the last 6 years, our business has grown as we have grown together. As the “third” partner entering their relationship, I feel they have done a whole lot in making sure I feel equal and comfortable.

The number one question we always get is, “how do you deal with jealousy” and I think the number one answer is always communication. As women , we feel, ALOT. So its important to talk about any and all feelings that surface. We basically lay them out on the table in our family meetings and make sure were always on the same page.

Our relationship was closed for many years due to me being uncomfortable with the idea of opening our triad. I don’t think I was ready to open my mind to the idea of having another girl, after all I was the other girl….right? Well, I still am, but I can share….. right? Well yes, this is alright. When it felt right, we went for it. After dozens of awkward questions on my part, I felt I was ready to flirt with and connect with new girls who might be interested in all of us. Again, we do everything together so dating is no different. Together we like to find people who like all of us together. We don’t separate for dates so our attraction must be completely mutual. Imagine how hard it is to find someone to connect with, now multiply that times three. Finding a fourth person to vibe with has not been easy. For a short while, we had a girl move in to our house and we were technically a “quad” for a few months. It’s a really interesting dynamic and takes a lot of strength, perseverance and consistency from all ends. It did not work out with this girl but thankfully we all shared a good time together while it lasted.

To me that’s what life is all about, making the most out of life, while it lasts. Life is so short, too short to wonder “what if ?” all the time.

I love being polyamorous. I feel I live my life to the absolute fullest and I look forward to giving more of an inside of what it’s like, the good, the bad, the pretty, the ugly. I used to google search for blogs coming from someone like me, for advice on these topics, so I figured I’d just write them in case anyone else is searching for an opinion. Thank you for reading!

[dragonofyang]

Some ramblings under the cut because my mind is swirling with words once more lol

So I discovered recently that Love Never Dies is the sequel to my most favorite musical of all time Phantom of the Opera, and I went to see it last week and I was utterly blown away. But the problem is that it’s making one of the things that frustrates me most about myself resurface. I’m a very passionate and easily-impassioned person. Get me in the right mood on the right subject and I can rant and rave and cry delights and horrors over a single subject, and yet I can barely muster the passion to argue in an academic setting even if it’s a subject I’m well-versed in. I am easy to drag into fandoms if I meet somebody passionate about it, I am forming a fandom for a book my friend isn’t even done writing yet because they are passionate for it. They light up when they talk about it and because of that I want nothing more than to build the fandom for it myself and share its glories with the world. My goal for that book as a fan is to be able to cosplay the main character as he appears in their art and in the book, and to show people the magic of the world they’re writing and the characters they’re bringing to life. I’m either 100 or 0 and there’s hardly a true in-between, and I’ve met plenty of people capable of it but what is it to be effectively “in like” with something rather than “in love”? What is it to not be bowled over in beauty or disgust by a work of art? My emotions run wild and I see so much of my creative energy in the Phantom, but I also see myself in Christine because I desire nothing more than to have a taste of that wild beauty that runs through somebody’s mind and informs their own work, to meet somebody so capable of passion and creation that it’s a sublime wonder comparable to the spires of a mountain range cutting the sky or the interior of a gilt church, shimmering in rainbows of sunlit glass. The lyrics of “Beauty Underneath” sum up how it feels perfectly for me to be swallowed by a new passion, right down to the feverish tempo that makes my heart race at the thought of being able to just make something new, unfettered by fear or anxiety, to let my imagination run wild and beg of my hands to create what resides in my mind’s eye.

The problem with being so easily-impassioned, especially by music, is that it’s ultimately addictive and I know it’s not good for me to get swept up in something when I have other obligations like school. On the one hand I should’ve known better than to watch Love Never Dies right before classes started up again because POTO has this incredible ability to flip that switch on and tape it there so I can’t shut down the part of my mind/attention that begs to be let loose. On the other hand, I’ve gotten to make some truly amazing things so far by riding that level of creative mania. I wrote like 80k words for a fanfiction I’ve since abandoned (grew out of it and lost general steam because I was dissatisfied with it), I��ve made entire cosplays using nothing but the manic energy provided by the music, and back when I played violin nothing could stop me if I got into the mood. It’s a positive feedback loop unlike any other in my life and as much as I love it, I hate the timing of such bursts and drives. I just started my semester, my final semester I might add, and so distractions are detrimental. I didn’t even move my sewing machine up to my apartment so I wouldn’t have the temptation to procrastinate on school via cosplay.

I feel like I’m starving.

I can’t talk with my parents about it, especially in terms of my latest hobbies. They don’t understand the allure of cosplay beyond a potential money-making business, nor do they understand convention culture. They think going in costume to a Ren Faire is weird, I can’t debate character development or plots with them or tell them about the cool things that English does when it’s not being a fucking trainwreck of a language. Don’t get me wrong, they indulge me and finance my cosplays a lot and listen if it’s clear I’m not gonna stop talking about something, but their eyes glaze over and they don’t pay much, if any, attention to anything after the first 10 seconds. To them, my love of dragons is strange and a remnant of my childhood, my anger at poor character development is a silly response, they don’t see the potential in a dress like I do. They don’t see the beauty in language the way I do, or at least to the extent I do, anyway. They don’t have the need for the beauty underneath, if you will. That all sounds edgy af, I know, but I feel like we’re talking in two different languages, which technically we are in terms of vernacular and subculture, but when I see no visible effort to respond what else am I supposed to think other than they have no care to understand my passions? It’s frustrating, and tbh I’m always a little afraid of going too far into the mania, both for myself and for my friends who’ve seen me get like this before. They understand better and I love them all the more for it, but at the same time I don’t want to frighten them with walls of text waxing poetic about my love for things or make them feel they don’t have a place to contribute or respond because I can’t get my mind to shut up long enough to listen to them. It’s also not healthy averaging 4 hours of sleep in the morning before working like a madwoman at a sewing machine. It’s a flaw that I’m steadily improving upon, and I think making costumes for my friends has helped a lot, because yes I have this crystal-clear image of what I want and think looks lovely, but my comfort and fashion senses are not what will be wearing the finished garment. So it forces me to quiet the part of me that insists it must be done one way so that I can listen to my friends and understand what they want and feel comfortable in. It’s good practice, but it’s hard. It’s gotten easier since I first started forcing myself to slow down and take a breath, but it’s still a struggle.

I’ve added Phantom and Christine to my future cosplay list, because ever since I was young the aesthetic of the Phantom has always appealed to my sense of the dramatic and Gerard Butler’s portrayal of him in the 2004 movie gave me such an appreciation for him as a character and design inspiration. If I could wear suits like that all the time I’d be happy tbh, there’s nothing better than a well-made tuxedo. I’ve drawn an elf dress that’s floated in my mind for months now. I’ve designed 12 garments based on the zodiac. By the time I graduate I’ll probably have walls covered in future outfits or projects I want to undertake. But the problem is that as much as I want nothing more than to drop everything and sew late into the night, only stopping because I fell asleep at my machine or remember to eat for once, I know better and won’t. The problem is that because of my overwhelming desire to make something, not having something to make is making me feel like I’m starving. Listening to music quells the desire somewhat, but it’s very hit and miss for me what kinds of songs will soothe my mind and what ones will inflame me into an even greater need.

Writing this has actually helped a lot because I can actually look and see my thoughts, rather than have the words bouncing around in my head like fucking rubber balls bouncing down a California street. I might yearn for human closeness, that emotional bond that so many have and that I once had but lost, I’m starting to wonder if anything short of raw and unadulterated passion for something will ever be satisfying to me. Romance is more appealing than the concept of sex, but only just, especially when I’m hit with bouts like this. I don’t know why. I see myself in Christine, but I have to wonder if in a way I’m the Phantom seeking an opera house of my own in which to craft masterpieces.

I just need to make something, something grand and beautiful that stimulates my mind and hands and grants me satisfaction to see completed. I want this kind of creative mania to come to me when I’m not burdened by school or work, or at least come at a time when I have more time and space to devote to such extracurriculars. Maybe I should take something strange like a glass-blowing class, take up the violin again, learn piano, get a singing tutor and practice singing again. I don’t know what it’ll take to calm the thunderous nature of my mind when I’m hit with passions like this, I never do. I just need to be able to rein it in enough that I can focus on classwork and hopefully direct some of that passion into my schooling. I’ve done it before, but like sudoku puzzles the answers are always different. I mean this in the best of ways but sometimes I wonder how my friends put up with my nonsense, because I get hit with often wildly-conflicting or rapidly-changing passions. I love them for it, though, and when my moods become truly terrible they’re always there to ground me and put some sense into me, because it’s so hard to come back into myself when I’m angry or excited.

#dragon's ramblings #feel free to reblog or comment i just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere #in which a musical makes me question myself

[maximelebled]

2017

Howdy! Time for the yearly blog post! There's enough depressing stuff that happened this year, so I want to try and not focus too much on that; talk more about the positive and the personal. (I am looking back on this opening paragraph after writing everything else, and I don’t think that ended up true.)

I find it increasingly harder to just straight up talk about things, especially in a direct manner. I think it comes from continuing to realize that so many things are extremely subjective and everything has so much nuance to it that I feel really uncomfortable saying a straight "yes" or a straight "no" to a lot of questions ("Nazis are bad" is not one, though). Or even just a straight answer.

I always end up wanting to go into tangents, and I inevitably run into not being able to phrase that nuance. You know that feeling, when you know something, you have the thought in your head; it is so clear, right there in your head, it is crystal-clear to your soul, yet you have no idea how to word it, let alone doing so in 140/280/500 characters. Frustrating!

I guess I could just put a big disclaimer here, "I am not a paragon of absolute truth and don't start interpreting my words as 'Max thinks he is the authority on XYZ' because you'd be quite foolish to do so"; but that doesn't help that much. Online discourse, let alone presence, can be so tiresome these days; not to be too Captain Obvious, but, there are quite a lot of people that delight in engaging those they see as their "opponents" in bad faith.

As a white man, I don't have it that bad, but still, I'll continue to tell you one thing: the block button is extremely good and you should feel no shame in using it. It drastically improves your online experience. (There are some very clear signs that make me instantly slam the button. I’m sure you know which ones too.)

Anyway, regardless, it's hard to get rid of a habit, especially one you've unwillingly taken on yourself, so I apologize in advance for constantly writing all those "most likely", "probably", "maybe" words, and writing in a style that can come off as annoyingly hesitant sometimes.

I started watching Star Trek this year. My Netflix history tells me: January 29th for TOS/TAS, March 26th for TNG, June 3rd for DS9, November 9th for Voyager.

TOS was really interesting to watch. A lot of things stood out: the (relative) minimalism of the sets and the directing was reminiscent of theater, and even though that was, generally speaking, because that's how TV shows used to be made, it was still striking. From a historical perspective, "fascinating" would still be an ill-suited word to describe it. Seeing that this is where a lot of sci-fi concepts came from, suddenly understanding all the references and nods made everywhere else... it was also soothing to watch a show about mankind having finally united, having exploration and discovery as its sole goal. I feel like it wouldn't have made as big of an impact on me, had I watched it a year prior.

I've always thought of myself as rejecting cynicism, abhorring it, but it's harder and harder to hold on to that as time goes on. I still want to believe in the inner good of mankind, of people in general, but man, it's hard sometimes. I think what really gnaws at me most of the time is how so many of the little bits of good that we can, and are doing, individually, and which do add up... can get struck down or "wasted away" so quickly. The two examples that I have in mind: Bitcoin, this gigantic mess, the least efficient system ever designed by mankind, has already nullified a decade's worth of power savings from the European Union's regulations on energy-efficient light bulbs. And then there's stuff like big prominent YouTubers being, to stay polite, huge irresponsible fools despite the responsibility they have in front of a massive audience of very young people. It can be really depressing to think about the sheer scale of this kind of stuff.

What we can all do on an individual level still matters, of course! I try my best not to use my car, to buy local, reduce my use of plastic, optimize my power usage, etc.; speaking of that, I've often thought about making a small website about teaching the gamer demographic in general quick easy ways to save energy. There is so much misinformation out there, gamers who disable all the power-saving features of their hardware just to get 2 more frames per second in their games, people who overclock so much that they consume 60% more power for 10% more performance, the list goes on. Maybe I'll get around to it some day.

All this stuff going on makes it hard to want to project yourself far ahead in the future. Why plan ahead your retirement in 40 years when it feels like there's a significant chance the world will go to shit by then? It's grim... but it definitely makes me understand the saying "live like there's no tomorrow". Not that I'm gonna become an irresponsible person who burns all their savings on stupid stuff, but for the time being... I don't feel like betting on a better tomorrow, so I might as well save a little bit less for the far future and have a nicer present. You know the stories of American workers who got scammed out of their own 401k? That's, in essence, the kind of stuff I wish to avoid. If that makes sense.

Anyway, going off that long depressing tangent: something I liked a lot across The Next Generation, Deep Space Nine, and Voyager, was how consistent they were. The style of directing, framing, camera movement, etc. was always very similar. Now, you can argue that's just how 80s and 90s TV shows on a budget, a 4:3 aspect ratio, and smaller SD screens worked, yes, but I do believe there is a special consistency that stuck out to me. I jumped into the newest series, Discovery, right after finishing Voyager (I don't plan on watching Enterprise) and the first two episodes were confusing to watch... shaky cam, a lot of traveling shots, shallow depth-of-field, and the tendency to put two characters at the extreme left and right of the frame.It’s a hell of a leap forwards in directing trends. It all gets better after the first two episodes, though.

I remember alluding to the King of Pain project in my last yearly post. I'm glad I managed to finally do it. I'd talk about it here, but why do it when I've made 70 minutes of video about it? (And unlike my previous behind-the-scenes videos, it's a lot more condensed, and hopefully entertaining.) Unfortunately for me, I completed the video in late June, with only a month left to the TI7 Short Film Contest deadline. So I ended up making two videos back-to-back. I had to buy a new laptop in order to finish the video during my yearly pilgrimage to Seattle. It was intense! And thankfully, I managed to pull off the Hat Trick: winning the contest three years in a row. I would like to think it's a pretty good achievement, but you know how us artists are in general; as soon as we achieve something, we start thinking "eh, it wasn't that good anyway" and we raise our bar higher still.

While I do intend to participate in the contest again next year, I know I'll most likely do something more personal, that would probably be less of a safe bet, now that the pressure of winning 3 in a row is gone. I already have a few ideas lined up...

... and I do have a very interesting project going on right now! If it goes through and I don't miserably land flat on my face (which, unfortunately, has a non-zero chance of happening), you'll see it in about a month from now.

I'm pretty happy to have reached a million views on all three of my shorts; a million and a half on the TI7 one, too... it might reach two million within six months if it keeps getting views at the current rate. It surprises me a bit that this might end up being my first "big" video, one that keeps getting put on people's sidebar by the all-mighty YouTube™ Algorithm™. There's often a disconnect between what you consider to be your best work, and what ends up being the most popular.

This reminds me that, a lot of the time, I get people who ask me if I'm a streamer or a "YouTuber". My usual answer is that I'm on YouTube, but I'm not a "YouTuber". I wholeheartedly reject that subculture, the cult of personalities, the attempts at parasocial relationships, and all that stuff. It's just not for me. Now, that said, I do hope to achieve 100k subscribers one day... I'm getting closer and closer every day! The little silver trophy for bragging rights would be neat.

My office was renovated by my dad while I was gone. It's much nicer now, and I finally have a place to put most of my Dota memorabilia. He actually sent me this picture I didn't know he'd taken, behind my back, in 2014; the difference is striking... (I think that game I'm playing is Dragon Age: Inquisition.)

Tinnitus. I first noticed my tinnitus when I was 20. I vividly remember the "hold on a second" moment I had in bed... man, if I'd known back then how worse it'd get. Then again, the game was rigged from the start; as a kid, I had frequent ear infections because my canals are weird and small. What didn't help either was the itching; back then, they thought it was mycosis... and treatment for that didn't help at all. Turns out it was psoriasis! Which I also started getting on my right arm that year. (It's eczema, it's itchy, it's chronic, and the treatment steroid cream. Or steroids.) Both conditions got worse since then, too.

Tinnitus becomes truly horrible when you start the doubt the noises you're hearing. When all you have is the impossible-to-describe high-pitched whine, things are, relatively speaking, fine. You know what the noise is, and you learn, you know not to focus on it. But with my tinnitus evolving, new "frequencies", I have, on occasion, started doubting whether I was hearing an actual noise or if it was just my inner ear and brain working in concert to make it up. So I end up thinking about it, actively, and that makes it come back. I had a truly awful week when, during an inner ear infection, the noise got so shrill, so overwhelming, I lost so much sleep over it. I couldn't tune it out anymore. It was like it was at the center of my head and not in my ears anymore. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I'm not even sure that I'm in the clear yet regarding that. But, like I said, it's best if I don't dwell on it. Thinking of the noise is no bueno.

Really, the human body is bullshit. Here's another example. A couple months ago, I managed to bite the inside of my mouth three separate times. I hate when it happens, not because of the immediate pain, but because I already dread the mouth ulcer / canker sore (not sure which is the appropriate medical translation; the French word is "apthe"). Well, guess what: none of these three incidents had the bite degenerate into an ulcer... but one appeared out of nowhere, in a different spot, two weeks later. And while mouthwash works in the moment, it feels like it never actually helps... it's like I have to wait for my body to realize, after at least ten days, oh yeah, you know what, maybe I should take care of this wound in my mouth over here. And it always waits until it gets quite big. There's no way to nip these goddamn things in the bud when they're just starting.

But really, I feel like I shouldn't really complain? All in all, it could be much worse, so so so much worse. I could have Crohn's disease. I could have cancer. I could have some other horrible rare disease. Localized psoriasis and tinnitus isn't that bad, as far as the life lottery goes. As far as I'm aware, there's nothing hereditary in my family, besides the psoriasis, and the male pattern baldness. I wonder how I'll deal with that one ten, fifteen years down the line...

Just as I'm finishing writing this, the Meltdown & Spectre security flaws have been revealed... spooky stuff, and it makes me glad I still haven't upgraded my desktop PC after five years. I've been meaning to do it because my i7 4770 (non-K) has started being a bit of a bottleneck, that and my motherboard has been a bit defective the whole time (only two RAM slots working). But thankfully I didn't go for it! I guess I will once they fix the fundamental architectural flaws.

The Y2K bug was 18 years late after all.

Here's a non-exhaustive list (because I’m trying to skip most of the very obvious stuff, but also because I forget stuff) of media I enjoyed this year:

Series & movies:

Star Trek (see above)

Travelers

The Expanse

Predestination (2014)

ARQ

Swiss Army Man

Video games:

Hellblade: Senua's Sacrifice

Horizon: Zero Dawn

What remains of Edith Finch

Uncharted: Lost Legacy

Wolfenstein II

Super Mario Odyssey

Metroid: Samus Returns

OneShot

Prey

Music:

Cheetah EP by James Hunter USA

VESPERS by Thomas Ferkol

Some older stuff from Demis Roussos and Boney M.... and, I'll admit reluctantly, still the same stuff: Solar Fields, the CBS/Sony Sound Image Series, Himiko Kikuchi, jazz fusion, etc. I'm still just as big a sucker for songs that ooze with atmosphere. (I've been meaning to write some sort of essay on Solar Fields... it's there, floating in my head... but it's that thing I wrote earlier: you know the idea, intimately, but you're not sure how to put it into words. Maybe one day!)

I think that's about it this year. I hope to write about 2018 in better terms!

See you next year.

#year in review

[writings-of-a-british-fangirl]

Questions Tag

I was tagged by @itsfangirlmendes​ a forever ago + bc i am trash i am only just getting around to it! But thank you sweet heart for tagging me :) xx

Rules: Answer these 83 questions and tag 20 people.

THE LAST... 1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my friend Gemma 3. Text message: see you then xxx 4. Song you listened to: black velvet by alannah myles 5. Time you cried: uhhh it was probably recent but i dont remember

HAVE YOU EVER… 6. Dated someone twice: no 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: kinda 8. Been cheated on: no 9. Lost someone special: yes 10. Been depressed: clinically? probably not 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: no, i hold my alcohol well

FAVOURITE COLOURS... 12. green 13. black 14. red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU...

15. Made new friends: yes 16. Fallen out of love: yes 17. Laughed until you cried: yes 18. Found out someone was talking about you: yes, my school was a snake pit lmao 19. Met someone who changed you: not fully 20. Found out who your friends are: yes 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: kinda

GENERAL... 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: most of them 23. Do you have any pets: yes, two cats 24. Do you want to change your name: no 25. What did you do for your last birthday: went to a spa 26. What time did you wake up: like 10am? 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: reading fanfic lmao  28. Name something you can’t wait for: my best friend to come to england!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: like a second ago 30. What are you listening to right now: currently nothing 31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yes, he’s hilarious 32. Something that is getting on your nerves: brexit, trump, nazis.. the list is endless 33. Most visited website: instagram or tumblr 34. Hair color: red/purple 35. Long or short hair: short 36. Do you have a crush on someone: unfortunately yes 37. What do you like about yourself: my makeup skills and my writing 38. Piercings: none, yet 39. Blood type: no clue  40. Nickname: connie, c-dawg 41. Relationship status: single 42. Zodiac: pisces 43. Pronouns: she/her 44. Favorite TV show: rn? blue planet, but in general supernatural  45. Tattoos: not yet 46. Right or left handed: right 47. Surgery: a ton, but no serious ones 48. Sport: badminton, basketball mostly 49. Vacation: australia or iceland 50. Pair of trainers: like what trainers do i wear? currently vans 51. Eating: sadly atm nothing 52. Drinking: water 53. I’m about to: do some more writing 54. Waiting for: food 55. Want: the subculture palette 56. Get married: it could be on the cards 57. Career: honestly no idea

WHICH IS BETTER... 58. Hugs or kisses: hugs 59. Lips or eyes: eyes 60. Shorter or taller: taller 61. Older or younger: older 62. Nice arms or nice stomach: nice arms 63. Hook up or relationship: relationship 64. Troublemaker or hesitant: trouble maker

HAVE YOU EVER… 65. Kissed a stranger: yes 66. Drank hard liquor: yes 67. Lost glasses/contact lenses: no 68. Turned someone down: yes 69. Sex on the first date: no 70. Broken someone’s heart: maybe... 71. Had your heart broken: not really  72. Been arrested: no 73. Cried when someone died: yes 74. Fallen for a friend: not really

DO YOU BELIEVE IN... 75. Yourself: yes 76. Miracles: no 77. Love at first sight: no 78. Santa claus: not anymore 79. Kiss on the first date: yes 80. Angels: sorry cas but no

OTHER... 81. Current best friend’s name? sedona 82. Eye color: blue/grey 83. Favorite movie: perks of being a wallflower

I TAG ANY ONE WHO WANTS TO DO THIS!!

#tagged #tagging game #tag game #sorry this took me so long #about me #personal #facts about me

[road2nf]

Jensen McRae | The Road to Nerdfighteria

DFTBA. If you are not subscribed to the vlogbrothers YouTube channel, and if you never have been, you might not know what that stands for. It’s an initialism (because acronyms are pronounceable, fact c/o of a vlogbrothers video) that stands for Don’t Forget To Be Awesome. It is the official (or perhaps unofficial) motto of the nerdfighter community. (Nerdfighters are people who are fans of vlogbrothers, the content creators therein, or the community therein. I think that’s enough definitions for now). When I was 14 years old, this book called The Fault in Our Stars came out. A good friend of mine was kind of obsessed with the author, this slightly sub-middle-aged white guy named John Green, and she insisted that I read both The Fault in Our Stars and Looking for Alaska, this John Green guy’s first book. I was a reader in childhood, having developed nearsightedness due to my predilection for reading in the dark after my bedtime by flashlight (at least that’s the explanation my mother gave me). However, recently I’d found myself frustrated by books. I would tear through middle-grade chick lit (that’s the best way I can describe these terribly formulaic books with dull characters and contrived plots that always involved two straight/white/able-bodied/middle-class best friends falling in love) when I found it, but other than that, I wasn’t reading as much as I used to. I can’t really remember what I did with my free time. I guess I was writing songs? I think I was mostly playing The Sims 3. I digress. In any case, I was in ninth grade and on the precipice of Maybe Being Cool, and this friend was one of the cooler girls in class, so I bought TFiOS (hip shorthand) about two months after its publication and read it over spring break in ninth grade. I read it in one three or four hour sitting, and I cried. Like a lot. It was the first time since early childhood that I could remember a book moving me in such a poignant way. I was attached to the characters, I was absorbed by the plot, and the language! The LANGUAGE in that story was so compelling. I was picking up on subtext and metaphors in a way that I’d only ever done when I was forced to in English class. The book had reinvigorated my love for words in stories that no other book could have. Then I took a brief reading hiatus. The second half of my ninth grade year was me continuing to ascend the social ladder, however slowly. I still joked that I was a dork, but the truth of the matter was, I had friends from every rung. I was sociable with tech geeks, theater nerds, football players, and cheerleaders alike. I felt like people had stopped looking through me like I was invisible. It was largely due to my presence on the school newspaper, which drew both the ambitious popular kids and the ambitious nerdy kids to its ranks. Also, I had a boyfriend. We never kissed or held hands or even went on dates, but we hung out every day at school and told people we were dating. This was enough to get me at least a bit of social buying power. (I promise this is all relevant to the story). Then, at the end of freshman year, I realized that I was sick of having a boyfriend who did not kiss me or hold my hand or go on dates with me, and also didn’t answer my texts or calls once school let out. So I called his house and dumped him over the phone. I spent the summer feeling sorry for myself, turning to the Internet and its thriving subculture of fame and infamy. Whenever I get heartbroken in real life, I fall deeply and inconsolably in love with fictional characters and/or celebrities who are too old for me. That summer, it was Jack and Finn Harries, Dan Howell, and any other British 20-year-old who made funny sketches and made me feel like I was loved, even though they were thousands of miles away, several years older, and had no idea who I was. It was during this summer that I discovered a channel featuring two much older men named Hank Green and John Green (yes relation, they’re brothers). Their videos were all at least somewhat informational, whether they be about politics, science, literature, or just about the personal lives of the men who made the videos. About five videos in, I realized that John Green of the vlogbrothers was John Green of TFiOS fame. I was elated! There were hundreds of videos on the channel going back to 2007. In between reading self-insert fanfic about the Harries twins, I would watch vlogbrothers videos, reminding myself to read John’s other books when I got the chance. When I returned to school, all the work that I’d done to become popular seemed to dissolve before my very eyes. Sophomore year was when we switched campuses, to the Upper School, and all the actual popular kids were going to parties with upperclassmen and trying alcohol and getting into real relationships. I was stuck in the past, pining over boys who only hung out with me so I would help them write their essays and obsessing over Tumblr and YouTube. I was also experiencing turbulence in my personal life unlike any I’d ever had before. It’s so clear to me now that I was afraid of the social rejection and emotional darkness in the real world, so I holed myself up online, laughing while handsome young Brits wore wigs on camera and rewatching John Green speed-talk his way through a fake television show he titled “Hitler and Sex.” In the midst of this Internet-ing, I read that other John Green book my old friend had mentioned, even though she’d already begun the slow and painful process of outgrowing me (the death knell of our friendship was when she told me about having sex with her boyfriend in her car and my response was some combination of a prudish, judgmental face and an exclamation of “Ew!”). Looking for Alaska leveled me just as profoundly as TFiOS had, and with no social life to worry about, I was hungry for more. I read the other books that John Green had talked about on his channel–Fahrenheit 451 and The Great Gatsby, plus other works that his recommendations had led me to, like Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, The Taming of the Shrew, and one of my all-time favorites to this day, Slaughterhouse Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I was reading a book almost every week, downloading them to my iPad and going back to my old habits, reading by dim light long after I should have already gone to sleep. My schoolwork wasn’t where it needed to be, but I was thriving. Awakened, even. Though my junior year marked another ascent into minor popularity, I crash-landed my senior year, coming off a painful rejection from a summer romance and a position in student government that should have won me acceptance but largely isolated me from everyone but my fellow council mates and steady friends. College applications were stressing me out, I felt alienated from even my immediate circle, and I was worried about my social future. Though I was accepted to the only two universities I applied to, I felt inert and emotionally itchy. I descended back into what I knew best: books. I read more Vonnegut, bizarre stories by delightful authors like Graeme Cameron and Douglas Coupland, and of course, my current #1 all-time, The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz. After my brain literally exploded from reading Oscar Wao in all its sprawling, multilingual, multigenerational, magical realistic/science fictional glory, I devoured Díaz’s two books of short stories, Drown and This Is How You Lose Her. I vividly remember those days in the spring of 2015, using my seemingly endless multitude of free periods to sit in the sweaty, iron-hot bleachers, nose burrowed in a book, ignoring the festivities of senior year around me. I was happier alone, laughing at Kurt’s crude drawings and Díaz’s matter-of-factness about love and sex, experiences I’d still yet to have at 17. I graduated, and I went to USC, where within a month of starting school I met Junot Díaz and got him to sign my copy of Oscar Wao. I dealt with the Usual College Stuff, like homesickness (from half an hour away…I’m weak) and social anxiety and academic adjustments and figuring out what the hell it actually means to major in popular music. I stopped judging people for drinking alcohol and having sex, I stopped being afraid of parties (though I’m still terrified of boys…and rightly so), I stopped being disappointed in my real life because it doesn’t follow a neat narrative (or at least I do it less now). However, I never stopped reading, and I never stopped watching vlogbrothers videos. I am a faithful nerdfighter, because that online community and John’s books have seen me through some dark times. Somewhere in the last five years, I read An Abundance of Katherines (not my favorite), Paper Towns (used to be my favorite but TFiOS ranks supreme at the moment), and Will Grayson Will Grayson (absolutely ACES but technically cowritten with David Levithan so to me it is in a separate category). I’ve watched thousands of videos from vlogbrothers and Crash Course. I went to Vidcon in 2014 and met John in person for about five seconds, handing him my business card and a #JustinCarrWantsWorldPeace luggage tag before he was escorted to his next event by security. My love of language has blossomed into three young adult manuscripts, two feature films, a handful of short films, and hundreds of poems, songs, and essays. Though my inner and outer lives have changed substantially since I first wept onto the pages of TFiOS, I’m still anxious, and often. I’m still terrified of romantic rejection and I still put myself out there frequently and embarrassingly. I’m still a bookworm and I’m still a writer and I’m still a nerdfighter. And I think I always will be. John Green and his books have a special place in my heart. So when he announced that his first new book in almost six years is coming out this fall, I was overcome with emotion. Turtles All The Way Down isn’t just a book. It’s a historical artifact from the future, a piece of my past hurtling towards me from the opposite direction. When I think of John Green’s work, I think of my cringey adolescence, my weirdly small glasses and then my weirdly big glasses, my difficulty with my weight and my stunted social development. I think of the hours I spent reblogging fan art and GIF sets of real people that I’d mythologized into characters by watching their YouTube videos for so long. I think of my transition from Cute Little Girl to Awkward Bookish Teen to Real Human Woman. I was 14 when I read my first John Green book. I will be 20 when I read Turtles All The Way Down. The chasm between who I was and who I will be then is huge. Un-crossable by anyone but me. Right now, we’re a little less than four months out from the release of Turtles All The Way Down. Not much is known about the book, and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m feeling those tingly “no spoilers!” feelings I felt when I was in high school and enamored with the purity of an untouched literary experience. But as much as this book’s impending release is inspiring a unique kind of nostalgia in me, it’s also reminding me that I cannot go back. I cannot return to the innocent girl of 14 I was when I first heard John Green’s name, and I can’t get back the years I spent/lost/lived in between then and now. I can only move forward. I can only grow up. This book, in all likelihood, will not live up to my expectations. It will not change my life. It can’t, because though it will be my first time reading this particular book, it won’t be my first time becoming infatuated with literature. I’ve done that already. I may love this book, but there is a difference between falling in love with someone new and falling in love for the very first time. Before I met books with sweaty palms, dress askew, tongue heavy in my mouth. So…come here often? Now, each story is met with a knowing smile, legs crossed at the ankles like they’re supposed to be, no lipstick on the wine glass. Your place or mine? Before this book comes out, and I form any opinions about the content or the style, I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to John Green. If not for his careful handiwork, if not for the immense trust that he puts in his young readers, if not for his heart-wrenching stories, I might never have been drawn to great books the way I am now. Thank you for caring. Thank you for writing even when your illness handcuffed you, tried to make you stop. Thank you for making videos about hard topics and silly ones. I may grow up, but I will never outgrow you and your words, John. Keep publishing books, and I’ll keep reading them, no matter how old we both get.

via @withfeelingoncemore

#nfstories #john green #hank green #tfios #turtles all the way down #nerdfighteria #reading #submission

[millenniumfae]

Asexual Sex-Ed: The Dom

When it comes to aces and sex, there’s these huge discussions going left and right. Every ace has their own feelings about sex, and having sex with other people in any context. I’ve talked to many aces (and partners of aces), and I’ve often said that being in a ‘dom’ role can really help reduce sex repulsion and anxiety while also offering sexual stimulation.

Asexual sex-ed is virtually non-existent, which means that aces are often left with limited information, and therefore limited options. But options exist. BDSM with aces may seem like a surprising match, but when you think about it, it really isn’t. 

Aces being active in BDSM isn’t without precedent. Kink is especially alive and kicking in the lgbt+ community as a whole, and BDSM in particular is known for being therapeutic. It’s common for those who’re living with trauma to pursue BDSM as a way to cope. And for aces who are sex-repulsed, and/or struggling with their sexuality and libido, BDSM can be an excellent choice.

So I’ve written a BDSM post about asexuality and doms, which is almost completely based off of my own experience of being a dom. I encourage everyone to pursue this information, regardless of their own sexuality or feelings on sex. This is information that needs to be more readily available to the community.

You can also check out my other asexual sex-eds - on masturbating, consent, sexual health, and mental self care. I’m no licensed doctor - I’m writing based solely on my own experience. My words are just one voice in what hopefully will soon be a menagerie of ace sex ed.

(Be warned, pictures to explicit imagery will be linked. This text post contains no explicit imagery.)

What Is A Dom?

Short answer; a ‘dom’ is the other half of a dominant-subservient sex powerplay. It’s a heavily narrative role that uses acting to make a fake scenario of someone being under the ‘control’ of the other. 

A BDSM coupling can manifest in several different ways, depending on the party. For some, it’s just their normal sex routine, except with a few ‘yes, mistress’’s thrown in. For others, it’s being encased in a latex bodybag, and left to lie still for several hours while your dom does their laundry and buys their groceries.

That diversity exists amongst aces, too. As you meditate and practice your sexuality, you’ll learn what works for you, and what doesn’t. For allosexuals, their preference for BSDM is heavily dependent on what gets them off. For us, it’s more about what makes us feel safest.

Setting Up For The Dom Role

Every sub/dom session starts with words. A lot of them. If you want to play the dom role in a sexual situation, you can’t just bring it up in a casual conversation, and then leave it at that. Even if you’ve done it before. Even if they’ve done it before. Even if you’ve known each other for years. Even if you feel like they’ve ‘got’ it. A BDSM session requires a lot of planning and consent beforehand.

A good, solid script for a sub/dom session goes something like this;

Asking whether your partner interested, or willing, to partake in a submission role.

Exchanging possibilities and scenarios that you’re both interested in.

Exchanging limitations and no-nos.

Exchanging aftercare methods (more on aftercare below).

Laying down a plan, or a schedule, for the session. AKA, you begin with (this), then continue to (this), and end with (this). The more thorough the plan, the better and safer (and smoother!) the session will be.

As a sex-repulsed ace, I only take booty calls from dating sites or from acquaintance referrals. And since I insist on only allowing BDSM sex, I have gone through multiple versions of these scripts throughout my dating experience. And no one has ever reacted as if I was being too finicky, or particular, with this consent process.

Even with some random Okcupid date, I will insist on a Skype call or a facetime, so the sub will see my face outside the domspace (more on domspaces and subspaces down below) as we lay down the rules. 

For example; I got a message from someone that literally only said; “will u beat me up sometime pls thx sorry”. This message was from someone who was a) my age, b) also trans, and c) was a 97% match. So of course, I responded with a solid; “are u looking for a dom? (being serious)”.

And as the conversation continued, my date went on to describe in several paragraphs what they wanted. 

someone who can stuff me into a hole intellectually {...} and is good with manipulating power dynamics. not necessarily trying to fuck, mostly looking for the psych bit and some nonsexual physical stuff / seems like there'd be a lot to work with given your lack of interest in sex generally if you decided intercourse was appropriate. what's really important for me (turns out, maybe this is where i've self sabotaged before) is not having to tell the person how specifically to force my submission. very much would prefer dom to be able to figure that bit out given whatever volunteered biographical-type information was exchanged beforehand.

In the BDSM community, you’re much more likely to find people who will gladly write pages upon pages of what they want, in explicit (and often poetic) detail. Which can be very annoying if you attract the attention of white cis men in their 40′s who want to be the next Christian Grey. 

But that’s good news for you lovelies. As an ace dom, you’ll have very little trouble with bluntly listing your limits and desires, or finding partners willing to partake. I’ve never met a willing sub that was put off, or unaccepting of my asexuality.

Tools, Toys, And Tricks - For The Asexual

You’ve probably seen the wooden paddles and braided ropes and satin blindfolds. Many of them have been carefully designed to minimize injury while also maximizing physical sensation. Spanking with a paddle, for example, will often start with a soft, small model before continuing into using a hard wooden one. This is to make sure there’s adequate bloodflow to the buttcheeks to increase sensitivity, while also reducing the pain.

But to an ace perspective, those leather handcuffs aren’t just to tie up your partner and excite them, it’s also a good way to constrain their hands so you don’t have to deal with their touch on your body. A blindfold will give you privacy. Mouth gags will prevent any intrusive dialogue that might make you uncomfortable.

As with all things involved in the bedroom, you first need to make sure that the tools are body safe. There’s no government regulation on sex toy materials, which means you could potentially end up with bacteria-laden silicon, or toxin-infected plastics. Buy from trusted brands, or reputable suppliers.

Especially useful bondage tools include restraints that go under the bed, flexible velcro cloth handcuffs, and ropes made out of soft, natural cotton (instead of itchier polyester).

Another BDSM tool that is particularly helpful for the ace are chasity toys. The chasity BDSM subculture is essentially orgasm denial with powerplay. And to an ace, it’s a good way to limit the use of sexual organs. Chasity toys are usually geared towards penises, in the form of cages that prevent erections. Vagina equivalent are usually belts that block the entire pelvis. 

Like with all sex, toys and tools aren’t limited to one niche. Instead of buying brand-name fluffy handcuffs, you can very well make do with a random piece of fabric tied loosely around the wrists. In my experience, using bondage tools are a reliable way of reducing sexual contact while also pleasing your sub partner. 

Your Relationship With The Sub - What Is ‘Power?’

At its core, a BDSM session is mostly for the sub’s benefit. While there’s real elements of control, ultimately a sub/dom coupling is done to please the sub primarily, rather than the dom. That’s why people hire dominatrixes - some white-collar lawyer may not even be touched throughout the entire session, but they’re really into being whipped and verbally degraded during their lunch break. Meanwhile, the dominatrix is thinking about which curtains they should use for the living room.

The same goes for ace BDSM. Regardless of your reason for partaking in a scene, the sub is your center of attention. This means you can’t, like, just go through a BDSM session and come out feeling like you mastered your repulsion once and for all. And no amount of amazing sex will ‘cure’ you of asexuality.

For aces, the appeal of being a dom is a way to partake in sexual activity while minimizing discomfort. Even if you aren’t sex repulsed, aces often struggle with our ability to consent to sex. Being a dom is a way to have power over the situation.

But as said, the sub/dom relationship doesn’t involve complete power. The idea of a dominant sexual partner is a facade. That’s why BDSM is enjoyable - the sub’s wrists may actually be tied up and cemented to the bedpost under lock and key, but a dom is completely under the will of a sub’s consent. If that sub decides to release their hands from those shackles, you have no power to overrule that.

Being a dom isn’t about envisioning your repulsion as tied up and subdued, and going through this therapeutic night of whipping your problems into shape. Most of the time, being an asexual dom just means that you have a good excuse for leaving all your clothes on, and not allowing yourself to be sexually stimulated. 

We all have our reasons for wanting to have sex. Perhaps, as a sex-repulsed ace, you actually do enjoy sex but experience anxiety afterwards. Or perhaps you’re struggling with hypersexuality. Regardless the reason, you can’t expect BDSM to be a fix-all anymore than you can expect any possible method of therapy or socialization to be a wondercure.

Sub/Dom ‘Space’ - For The Ace

Entering a ‘subspace’ is basically shorthand for ‘entering a heightened state of emotions due to getting really into the scene’. When you Google ‘subspace’, you’ll get a diverse collection of descriptions of what it means to enter subspace. Everyone’s subspace is different - for some people, subspace is when your body is over-stimulated, leaving you cloudy-headed and weak. For others, subspace is a very psychological sensation that’s akin to dissociation, or a hypnotic trance.

On the other end, there’s ‘domspace’. Like subspace, it’s an altered state of mind where you experience yourself differently. Some describe their domspace as like an emotional high, or heightened emotions. Some describe it as a spiritual experience that channels a reservoir of power. 

For those familiar with BDSM practices, subspace and domspace are words to describe what might happen during a scene. Some people trigger their space with practice and with enthusiasm, some never experience a state that they’d describe as either.

For the ace dom, experiencing domspace is a real possibility. But it’s more dangerous for us; a lot of the time, having sex as an ace means consenting to a language that you don’t share with your partner, and therefore the laws of consent are bent. In that scenario, entering an altered state of mind isn’t an ideal state to be in.

An ace’s domspace wouldn’t be something to retreat towards, it’s something to closely reign and keep in check to make sure you reduce any confusion. You don’t want to lose your sense of self while in a dangerous situation.

I’ve personally never experienced anything like a ‘domspace’, but the idea alone has made me think long and hard about my asexuality and its relationship to being a dom. It’s something you should think about to, if you chose to pursue it.

Aftercare And Self-Care

‘Aftercare’ is big in the BDSM community. And in the sex world in general. Aftercare is the term to describe ‘caring’ for your partner after a sex scene is over and done with, to ensure good mental health and physical wellbeing. Sometimes, that just means snuggling and soft words of comfort. For BDSM, that could mean bandages, ice packs, and so on.

Aftercare is essential in a sub/dom scenario, and its common for the aftercare to last longer than the session. Without aftercare, all parties risk huge health risks, not limited to physical injuries, mental trauma, and emotional stress. You can’t go overboard with aftercare.

For a basic rundown of aftercare;

The first thing people usually need is water. Often, people will drink water throughout the session, but sometimes people get so into it, they don’t realize that their throat is actually parched until it ends.

Give yourselves time to retreat from sub/dom space, and back into your social selves. You drop the tone of voice you’ve been using, you relax your acting postures, you quiet down from shouting so much, you remove all restraints and tools, and so on. Conversation shifts back to normal, and you get a rest from any physical exertion. 

Check yourselves and each other for injuries. You may have been aware of some bruises or rashes being formed during the session, and here’s the chance to take a good, closer look. Small things like cuts and abrasions can get nasty infections, bruises and chapped lips can be irritable and painful. Any pelvic pains should be noted and examined when you have the chance. It’s better to give medical attention to chafed nipples or stubbed toes now rather than later.

Keep up conversation. When you ask, ‘how are you feeling?’ The answer might change by the minute. Keep an eye on everyone’s feelings, including your own. Rising stress can be leveled by removing yourself from the space and otherwise preoccupying yourself. Tensions between partners best be addressed before things grow out of control.

Take part in other enjoyable, stress-free activities. For some, it’s taking a bath together. Or cooking a meal. Or getting some drinks and watching funny cat videos in bed. Having a happy aftercare will do wonders to reduce any discomfort and anxiety.

Aftercare extends beyond the bedroom. It’s common to drive your sub home, to ensure that they won’t get into any accidents due to a distracting subspace. And someone still woozy from BDSM might forget their jewelry, or their bag. It’d do no harm to dote on each other, so to speak. 

The Aftermath: Recovery And Healing

Unfortunately, good aftercare can’t ‘solve’ everything. No amount of cuddling can solve a bad BDSM session. And for those who are sex-repulsed, the situation is even more aggravated. Asexual people are very susceptible to sex-borne trauma, which means that our self-care goes beyond most.

Any anxiety from the sex probably won’t go away the next morning. And it might lie dormant until your next date, in which you’re hit underhand with a reminder of why you actually don’t like sex. And it’s normal to have enjoyed the sex, but dread it at the same time. 

It can be very confusing to feel lost and hurt from a situation that wasn’t harmful at all. But that’s part of sex-repulsion, and part of asexuality in general. Being a dom means minimizing any triggers for this kind of anxiety, but it probably won’t avoid all of it.

As with any trauma aftercare, it’s important to maintain a sense of pride regardless of any intrusive thoughts. You’re not weak or broken for feeling the way you do. You’re a brave and brilliant individual, who faces the things you face. It’s not about eliminating or ‘curing’ this part of yourself, it’s about coming to terms with them.

A lot of the time, I don’t contact any dates ever again. It’d be too difficult to repeat the events. And that’s ok, that’s one of the ways I take care of myself and make sure I minimize trauma. And it definitely helps to document your feelings as time goes on, and also to share your feelings with a trusted friend. Going at it alone is one thing, with support it’s much easier.

I almost never go on dates knowing that I have plans the day after. It’s important that I have several hours to meditate and calm myself down after a dom session, away from my partners. I enter asexual spaces and remind myself that I am valid and strong.

Remember; the power of being a dom might be fictional, but your power as an ace is forever.

#asexual sex ed #sex education #asexuality #asexual #actuallyasexual

[storyunrelated]

Colder, Harder Hugs #3_Unwanted Words

I did more of this?

What even was an ordinary life at this point?

I mean, things were fairly mundane, just with this odd tinge of unreality that made everything feel a touch surreal. Like, I was still a slovenly, lazy bastard slouching my way through low-level academia but now people looked at me even more funny then they had before and every so often I’d turn to see people pointing.

That was legitimately unsettling the first few times, then just tiring. How many people were aware of this odd ‘living-machines are an issue’ subculture?  Lots, apparently. Maybe it was bleeding into the mainstream. Perhaps it was just culture now. I should probably pay attention to this sort of thing now that it directly affects me.

Hah! That’s the spirit. Ignore everything until it affects you. Become interested in a problem once it is your problem! There might be some kind of backwards nobility in continuing to be ignorant in spite of becoming affected, really. You’ve gone this far, why not a little further?

It helps that I’m lazy. It’s really, really easy to keep being lazy once you start being lazy. Try it, you’ll see. Tricky habit to break, especially if you can see no reason to break and nothing to break it for.

Who am I talking to?

An additional layer of oddness with life now was, naturally, having someone around who’s express job was protecting me from people who wanted my life to be unsafe. This was a twofold layer. On the one hand it’s unusual knowing that this person is being follow you around and that YOU are their job. On the other hand it’s super-unusual thinking about the world now holding people who know who you are and who do not like you without ever having met you. This must be what being a famous lady is like.

Morley was the one following me today, at a discrete distance of course.

I settled in a seat towards the back of the room, because that’s what I always did. I knew Morley would be outside. Her being in the room had been deemed a little beyond the pail by university authorities and she’d been fine with it. Apparently she didn’t need to be in the room with me to know if I needed her. That’s not alarming or anything.

Since I’d showed up a little early there were not as many people around yet as there could have been. I had the distinct impression they were trying to not pay me attention, while also doing their best to pay as much attention to me as they could. This impression only got worse as the room filled up and more people did it.  I wasn’t sure what they expected me to do. Dance, perhaps? I have a dearth of rhythm though, so more fool them. It’d be underwhelming at best.

Eventually the place became what you might legitimately call ‘full’ and someone actually sat next to me - most had been avoiding this up until then. Oddly, he could have sat further away (I saw free seats) but he did not, instead choosing to sit right slap-bang next to me. Unusual. Like sitting next to someone on the train when the chair on the other side of the carriage is free. Like picking the urinal next to the man already peeing. Why would you do that?

He also smiled at me. Why would you do that, too? What an odd thing to do.

To be fair I always feel that way when anyone smiles at me. Typically I shrug it off as it being down to someone else being behind me. It is them, not I, that is the intended target of the smile. Sometimes though there is no-one behind me, but it still happens. Weird. This would be one of those times.

“You’re that guy, right?” The guy asked. First sitting next to me, then smiling, now talking? What sort of monster in human form was this?

“No. Yes. Maybe,” I said, as his question left of a lot of other, smaller questions in its wake. He seemed to think I was making a joke because he chuckled at this, accepting my answer as a simple ‘yes’. I think this said a lot about him.

“I thought it was you. Seen you around before and then I heard about all the stuff online. So yeah. How is it?”

“You might have to narrow that down a little,” I said and he properly laughed that time, making at least one person turn and look to see what the deal was. I wasn’t trying to be funny, honest.

“You’re a funny guy. Going out with a robot, man! How is it? Like, tell me everything.”

“You... you never had a relationship before?” I asked.

“What? Oh, yeah - yeah yeah yeah. Just with real girls! Robots gotta be better than all THAT,” he said emphatically. I had a feeling this guy and I would not be friends once this lecture was over. I cast an eye around for the lecturer or anyone willing to help but was still on my own.

“To my knowledge Tillie is actually a girl and something with thoughts and agency so it was a lot like any other relationship you might imagine. Just with a few less soft spots and a few more hard edges,” I said. I could think of no better way of summing up my feelings. I mean, that was all of it, to my knowledge. Tillie was a person, so here we were. What else did he want from me?

“All I know is that it’s gotta be worth a shot. Never had much luck with real girls, you know?”

Something about that sentence seemed insulting, though I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. It might have been all of it. Might have been every last bit of it from start to finish. Not sure. Difficult to pinpoint.

“And so you’ve decided...what exactly?” I asked. Would have been rude not to reply, and would have been ruder to reply with one of brusque things the rat-bastard in the rear of my skull suggested I should say. Things like

“Define a real girl, shitheel.” “Could your lack of luck be a result of your unpleasant nature?”

And:

“Go fuck yourself.”

But I had not said any of those things, which was probably just as well. Things like that are fun to say in the short term, but really they just cause more trouble than they’re worth. At least for me. But I’m risk averse! Someone else likely would have said something better and said it better, too. But here I am, braced for his reply.

“I decided, right? This is genius - I decided - real girls are out, right? Too picky. Bitchy. Can’t ever please them. These, uh, robots though? You see ‘em sometimes, you know? And they always look like they’re lonely. If you get me. Lonely is an opening.”

This was vile. This was legitimately vile. Why was he sitting next to me and saying this? What could he hope to gain from this? Was this how he hoped this conversation would be going?

“Living-machines,” I said, doing my best not to grit my teeth. Wasn’t a lecturer supposed to be coming in sometimes soon? To talk so this guy can shut up and I can leave as quickly as possible once it’s over? And forget this ever happened?

“What?” He asked, his momentum halted and his frustration obvious.

“Living-machines, not robots.”

“Whatever. Same thing, right? Point is, there’s not many of them. They don’t have many friends, they don’t have a lot of competition, see? So they’re not as fussy! I get a chance.”

As the horror of this type of thinking sunk into my very bones he shuffled in his seat and leaned in closer to me. His proximity was offensive.

“She ever do anything with her tail?” He asked, quietly, conspiratorially. I knew what he meant. I know I knew. I just chose to pretend that I did not. I decided that I had no idea what he was talking about. This made me feel a bit better.

“Uh, I guess? I mean, she tripped me up once or twice,” I said. Honestly most of the time I forgot it was there until she actively did something to make me notice it. Like trip me up. She hadn’t done that in a while though.

“No no not like that. I mean did she ever do anything, you know, fun?” He asked, smiling in a way I assumed he thought meant something to me. It did not, and left me blinking. I really put effort into pretending I had no idea what he could be driving at, as he was obviously driving at something.

“She always seemed to think tripping me up was pretty fun,” I said.

“Come on, you know what I’m saying.”

This was a line of questioning that was making me uncomfortable. It was steering my mind in directions that were unfamiliar and in which it did not want to go. I may have grimaced. I did something rash.

“Could we not talk about this?” I asked. My equivalent of the nuclear option. I don’t think I’d ever asked anyone ever to stop talking about something. It didn’t make me feel good, especially when I saw his face fall. Sure, I hated this line of conversation but I hated him knowing that I hated it more.

I also was starting to hate him, but that was a side-note. I’ve loathed people in the past and still listened to them speak. It’s just how I’m wired. This though was too much. I could feel my desire for this conversation to stop by any means necessary. It bubbled beneath my skin. Obviously I have a limit. Who knew?

“Oh. Okay. That’s okay. It’s just, you know, you’re the only guy I know who I could ask about this…”

This hung in the air for a moment or so. It was unbearable.

“Well apparently I’m the first so yes, that would make sense,” I said, eventually.

This investigation into uncomfortable territory looked set to continue when the door to the room opened. Oh my God. The lecturer. Thank you. Thank every conceivable and possible being who might have intervened on my behalf to bring this conversation to a close. You all have my eternal thanks. I will track you all down and personally shake each and everyone one of your hands. Assuming you even have any, you ineffable, unknowable beings, you.

Of course my being saved also involved my being in a lecture, but that was no bad thing. Learning is good, right? I even took notes, which is unlike me. I’m not good at writing things down while paying attention, typically I prefer to have things happen in little stages. This time I made an exception as it gave me a great excuse to pay as much attention to something else as possible.

And so it went. Never in my life had a lecture gone quite so slowly but it did eventually end.

I practically ripped the desk from the floor in my haste to pack my bag and leave. It was an effort not to trample the slower-moving members of the class on my way out and I burst through the door with the force of a thunderbolt. In my head, at least. In reality I probably just looked like a pushy, hasty bastard. This was an acceptable price to pay. It’s not like these people are going to remember me in a few years anyway, and I’d had enough for one day. Enough of everything.

I felt an urge to violence. How unlike me! I really did though. Something coiling thick and angry in my gut. The sort of thing that demanded immediate, uncomplicated resolution to frustrations! Which is to say, I rather wanted to punch that guy in the face. Repeatedly, if possible. Over and over again until whatever noises he happened to make came to an end.

But what had that ever solved? Very little. It would cause more problems! I wanted less of those, not more

I wouldn’t even know how to go about beating someone to a pulp in the first place. It’s just not something I’ve ever done before. Never even taken a swing in anger. Does this make me less of a man? Probably not. What even is a man? Many things. All of them subjective. So no, probably not less of a man. Silly question anyway.

So many questions though. Was I wrong to get angry about this? Or was I supposed to get angry about this?

No, wait, I got this one.

I’m angry that this guy is saying and thinking disgusting things about a friend of mine. That wasn’t so hard! It’s got nothing to do with me, but I can feel angry about things relating to someone I care about! Ah! That was easy once I thought about it, actually.

That’s a question answered then, and I remain angry.

Oh that guy though. That guy. What might he deserve? What would anyone deserve for such conduct? What would fit the bill?

Typically, this was where my anger starts running out of steam. Not that it comes upon me often. In the heat of the moment (which never last long) thoughts of vengeance are abundant and inventive but as temper inevitably cools some rationality sneaks in and everything suddenly seems so useless.

What positive benefit would doing horrendous things to someone actually bring to me? None. Not even satisfaction, really, at least not for me. Maybe that’s my fault. So my anger starts nowhere and goes nowhere, going around in ever-decreasing circles inside my head.

And anger without release sours to sadness. Or something a lot like sadness. This heavy, smothering feeling of uselessness that seems to blanket everything and make it impossible to so much as lift a finger without effort. Or maybe that’s just me? Other people seem to get along with their lives just fine so it might just be me. Nothing would surprise me.

So no. No anger please. Even though I know it’s too late. No more dark thoughts of what unpleasant people might ‘deserve’. No good will come of it. Though it’s far too late. Far far too late. All smothered now. Oh well. Best to soldier on. No other choice, really.

There was a lot of talk these days about ‘deserving’ things, I’d seen. Though usually the context I’d seen it in recently was considerably less threatening than the use of ‘deserve’ I’d grown up seeing. Which was a good thing, I guess?

Nowadays it was more like people assuring other people that they deserved this nice thing or deserved that nice thing. Happiness, love, appreciation and things of that nature. Warm, fuzzy things. I didn’t really want to argue the point with the sort of people who said this - because they’d be articulate and able to easily best me and I’d just go away feeling worse - but this was not something I agreed with.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the idea. It’s very nice and comforting to think that people have something innate and inborn within them that as intrinsic worth and value and which cannot be harmed or dampened or reduced by whatever happens in the outside world. That anyone can be loved, can be happy, and that nothing standing in the way of this cannot be overcome. I just don’t really think it’s true. Though I am using myself as the basis for this, so I could just be an outlier.

No-one deserves anything, you see? As that implies the universe owes people or that people are endowed with something intangible but which somehow still has value. Which is cobblers. People are meat - or in the case of living-machines, metal. Everything after this is invented. These inventions have value, sure, but no true power. They have as much power as people are willing to put into them.

Which I suppose gives them power? What point am I making here? Uh. Power as far as it runs up against reality, at which point it may well crumple. Yeah.

A boat is meant to carry you across water. Saying this to yourself while it sinks is not going to change that it is sinking. Saying that someone deserves to be happy while they are miserable is a lovely gesture but ultimately meaningless. Of course they deserve to be happy. Of course they do. Everyone does. But the universe does not care. These nice things aren’t due to come to you, you have to get them. And sometimes you can’t. And that’s not your fault, though it may well actually be your fault. If you’re me, for example.

I think the reason why I wouldn’t argue with these people is because I’m arguing with them while mostly, obliquely agreeing with them. That’s always a good way to lose an argument before it starts - agree with the other person. I think I’m just arguing to hold onto an excuse to feel miserable.

What am I even talking about.

Maybe I’m just unhappy. I doubt I’m thinking clearly.

I kind of want everything to just stop.

I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore.

I don’t want to admit I’m sad because then I’d feel obliged to do something about it. I can’t tell anyone I feel sad because then they’d know and they’d feel obliged to help me and then when they failed it would be my fault. Not fair to put anyone through that.

So no. Relentless positivity. That’s me. Not sad at all.

Time to go home.

#Colder harder hugs #cold hard hugs #amwriting #writing #writeblr

[chvvva]

With each passing day, I become more and more aware of fandom dynamics and of what belonging to an organized subculture means. It’s no secret that fandom is a pretty old thing, but, and here’s the point of this introduction, though social network may have quickened and facilitated the process of people with the same interests from all over the world amazingly coming together, it also consistently fueled a fascinating phenomenon. Yes, I’m talking about those little mean anons and those walls of repetitive ass complaints preventing you from seeing content in the tags. In short, “hate”. Which represents the anti-movement and, it’s safe to safe to say at this point, a sub-subculture in and of itself. A few inputs before the actual rant:

From a neutral perspective, the Internet basically works like this: Immediate access to/diffusion of informations = Viral and limitless circulation.

And that’s great and positive,

but if your parents told you not to believe everything you read on the web to be true, now it’s time to remember that advice.

Because when free info distribution and limitless circulation make sweet love, it leads to increasing misinformation.

You’re misinformed when: you read someone else’s opinion and are firmly convinced that it is true without resources and/or factual proofs and qualified people confirming it.

Rings a few bells?

But fine, let’s say that those who condemn social issues, those who advocate, who do their best to promote healthy and open mindsets, those who want some kind of progress, aren’t spending 90% of the time they could be dedicating to those important causes… on the Internet > The place where sometimes - sometimes, but it happens - questionably subversive arguments are worded better than motivational speeches. This can be proven by looking at any post containing words like; “fetishization”; everything ending with “-phobia”; “harmful”; no, I’m not making these up, they’re the literal parody of terms with a heavy emotional impact. It doesn’t matter if they lack meaning. They can affect people on different degrees, but rest assured that the chance of someone not reacting to them [on a subconscious level] is pretty slim. All in all, these words serve their purpose very well. Now let’s put misinformation aside, let’s put data indigestion aside, as well as fragile contestations, lack of investigation, and idealistic visions of societies where we all think the same way.

So, fast forward.

I want to talk about fandoms. Who am I kidding, this was originally 100% about the Killing Stalking fandom. Except between discussing dark content in media, and fandom culture, and looking up precedents, such as Strikethrough (when I say antis remind me of radical religious groups I’m not shitting you but I wish I was), the point became wider. And clearer.

Everything you’ll read from this point on boils down to: Art is bad. Art exists to be bad.

I won’t claim these are my words, people - far more intelligent than me - have been having the same intuition since ancient times.

Homer’s Iliad is about war, mourning and death. It glorifies them on cosmic levels. I have read the Iliad two times. Wow, I guess I think dying is fun.

Euripides’ most famous play, Medea, is about a mother murdering her sons, then escaping. She’s the heroine of the play. In ancient Greece, plays were performed during festivals in public theatres. And I’ll tell you more: citizens who couldn’t afford the ticket participated anyway, because the government paid it for them. That’s because everyone, and I mean literally everyone, was encouraged to witness “wrong, controversial, absolutely vile” things as long as they happened on the stage.

On a lighter note, it’s possible for art to be simply amoral, since it’s how it’s always been, and always will be, as long as we’ll be entitled to free speech. Authors make choices. Either they put their beliefs and opinions into their work or they don’t.

Literature swims in the murkier waters of the human condition.

I’m going to go a little bit into this. When we talk about the horror genre, we should consider its origins. I’m sure you’re familiar with the piece of literature that lied the foundations of this genre, or at least with its renowned title. “Frankenstein, or the Modern Prometheus” was published in London on New Year’s Day, 1818, and “there was no author named on the title page, and readers and reviewers, almost to a person, assumed the book had been written by a man. They were mistaken.” (New York Times) We modern readers and reviewers, however, know that the Gothic novel that has enjoyed the most enduring popular success was written by a woman. And she was not the first one. Richard Davenport-Hines takes us back to the 18th century, years before Frankenstein was even a draft: “A significant amount of horror fiction of this era was written by women and marketed at a female audience, a typical scenario being a resourceful female protagonist menaced in a gloomy castle.” (Gothic: 1500 Years of Excess, Horror, Evil and Ruin. 1998.) Knowing that women have given a remarkable imprint to the horror genre made me think quite a lot. Is it possible to assume that gothic/horror/psychological are, in fact, some of the few narratives women had (and continue to have) such a deep impact on? And why is that? Answering these questions would be as difficult as determining the brain mechanism that leads us to actively seek the thrill of a good horror movie. And if you claim that a the horror genre is good only when it explicitly condemns bad and vile things, you need to read more books. If you haven’t even thumbed through Frankenstein, you’re probably unaware of its controversiality. I must admit, much as death is depicted with violent and terrifying tones, it’s nothing compared to other works of fiction I’ve met. But what really sticks to you after an afternoon spent between those pages, is human cruelty, as well as the utterly disarming human inclination to error. It sticks to you because it is real. When you pass judgement against fiction for influencing reality, I think it’s a far fetched, if not plainly wrong assumption, because that is not the nature of this relationship, which is simple. Fiction draws elements from the real world. Just what is necessary. Conversely, reality isn’t bended by fiction; and Darwin knew there was no way of Shelley’s tale happening just as well as she did. The extreme and profound emotions her book explores, however, belong to a human’s inner dimension. As debatable as they may be, or precisely because they are debatable, they belong to the pages of a book.

I find kind of hilarious how only a century later a horror story, written by a woman, ends up in young people’s hands and it is immediately considered inexcusable and “nasty” because of “amoral content.”

If you followed me until now, it won’t be hard to understand the next point. Pleasure can be amoral. Either people put their beliefs and opinions into what they love or they don’t. Often, these factors play a big part on what catches our attention; but that’s not mandatory, as I certainly don’t think murdering your son is a nice family activity. Medea is still one of my favorite plays. In school, no one told me this would make me a “murder apologist”.

Whenever it became progressive and almost natural to overlap an author’s, or even a reader’s conscience to a character’s, for whatever reason, I’m sure art will never be really free from this prejudice. My guess is that people simply aren’t able to separate the concept of something real from the concept of a parallel reality [fiction] in which ethical and physical laws aren’t applied in the same way. (And some people might feel so out of place and insecure about their own morals that as soon as moral integrity is questioned for its inflexible nature, the world crumbles down.)

There’s someone out there who will read this and be condescending (I get a tiny bit pretentious, especially since my safe zone is involved) but I don’t really care as long as there’s polite debate.

The article that encouraged me to write down my opinion, while being a superficial source, is an interesting one:

“Literature swims in the murkier waters of the human condition. Conflict and matters of life and death, of freedom and oppression—it is the business of books to explore these themes, and the business of teenagers, too.

New brain mapping research suggests that adolescence is a time when teens are capable of engaging deeply with material, on both an intellectual level as well as an emotional one. Some research suggests that during adolescence, the parts of the brain that processes emotion are even more online with teens than with adults, (something that will come as absolutely no surprise to any parent of a teenager). So, developmentally, teens are hungry for more provocative grist while emotionally they’re thirsty for the catharsis these books offer. Of course teens are drawn to darker, meatier fare.” (Gayle Forman, novelist - interviewed by Time)

What I’m saying is that art is vile. But the real world is also vile. Where’s the catch? Which part of this comes as a surprise?

Here goes the true shocking reveal, though: discouraging the creation of bad art isn’t a way to make reality significantly less bad. Let me put this more straightforwardly.

Censorship means taking away one of the most important human rights, while me writing a story in which a character thinks abuse isn’t a bad thing doesn’t violate any.

At this point, someone could argue that surely I’m not being sensible to abuse survivors, but the reason why I get away with it and Unfriendly Anon doesn’t is that I don’t do anything to directly and purposefully affect another person. So I’m good. Hate to break it down to you, but I’m not in charge of every single person on this site any more than you’re in charge of me and of my feelings. Or of minors and their feelings. Or of survivors and their feelings.

I’ve probably left something out, but hopefully the main points came across clearly. It’s fine if you don’t agree with them. Maybe make sure to understand what you’re talking about before you do broadcast your thoughts.

#killing stalking discourse #fandom discourse #horror genre #long post yikes #ranthea be proud

[tractionmagazine]

142. Nadim Abbas

Nadim Abbas, Chamber 664 "Kubrick”, 2014-2015. Mixed media. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist. 

Susie Pentelow interviews Hong-Kong based artist Nadim Abbas about his upcoming solo exhibition ‘Camoufleur’ at VITRINE, London. For ‘Camoufleur’, Abbas will produce a new, site-specific installation which will use camouflage to explore how urban living conditions can dictate our relationship with, and in some cases submission to, the spaces we inhabit. The installation will be accompanied by a series of scheduled performances in the space.

  You currently have a solo show at Antenna Space in Shanghai, ‘Chimera’. Could you talk a little about this work?

The starting point was the image of the human rhinovirus (serotype 14), AKA the common cold, which I constructed using various kinds of open source molecular and 3D modelling software. The title connotes both phantasmal and biological origins. The elaborate way that I have chosen to present, or project these viral images into the gallery space, using air blowers and beach balls is an attempt to maintain the ambiguous quality of an image which wavers between real and imaginary, fact and fabrication. 

Nadim Abbas, Human Rhinovirus 14, 2016. Mixed media installation. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist and Antenna Space.

The choice of the common cold virus was deliberate - as something familiar to all, to the point of banality, yet appearing at the same time completely alien. Everything else in the show is an extension of this viral metaphor. This is most blatantly played out in the two isolation chambers (with echoes of my piece at the 2015 New Museum Triennial), which contain a series of modular geometric forms that act as a playground for renegade toilet rolls.

The work ‘Blancmange, n ways’ acts as a separate counterpart with similar thematics. Here, white forms become specific manifestations of the first four iterations of the fractal Blancmange function, which derives its name from its resemblance to the famous dessert. In England of course, ‘blancmange’ also connotes a boring or uninteresting person. The photograph on the wall depicts an actual blancmange pudding, as does the pattern design on the wallpaper - setting up a visual pun of sorts.

Nadim Abbas, Blancmange, n ways, 2016. Mixed media installation. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist and Antenna Space.

Works like ‘Chamber 667’ and ‘Chamber 664 "Kubrick”’ could almost be sets from a science fiction film. Is sci-fi an influence?

Regarding the sci-fi influence - the short answer is yes! I am a big science fiction nut. I wrote a short text on this connection (between sci-fi and my work) many years ago. It was around that time that I discovered these molecular renderings of viruses, which were later to become the central motif of 'Chimera'. The text was never published, and I'm not even sure that it makes any sense. Basically, 'Chimera' was my way of materially resolving some of the concerns that were started in writing.

There are many visual parallels between my work and cinema, simply because much of what I do involves the notion of converting (lived) space into an image (memory), which is something that comes almost second nature to the cinematic process. Given the popularity of sci-fi blockbusters today, I should clarify here that I'm less interested in constructing seamless, illusory images like you might see in the latest Star Wars spin-off. Rather, I'm fascinated with finding ways of letting the inconsistencies show through, like in a low budget B-movie. In other words, there is always an element of theatre present in my approach.

Nadim Abbas, The Last Vehicle, 2016. Mixed media installation with durational performance. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist .

You are working with camouflage for this installation/body of work. How do you think this idea reflects broader themes in society?

A lot of my recent work tries to unravel how certain conditions of urban domesticity have produced specific types of sociability and subcultures. I am also fascinated by what at first glance seems like an unlikely correlation between domesticity and warfare; how technologies developed on the battlefield have found applications in quotidian contexts and vice versa. More chilling perhaps is the notion, suggested by theorists such as Paul Virilio and Beatrice Colomina, that the dream of domestic bliss is but a dormant extension of an ongoing militarised state of emergency, where the household finds its mirror in the bunker/fortress. 

It is no coincidence, for instance, that iRobot, a manufacturer of automatic vacuum cleaners, displays on its website products dedicated for the “home” side-by-side with similar technologies repurposed for “defence and security”.  Taglines such as “Welcome home. Your house is clean” are made in the same breath as “Placing a safer distance between people and danger”. Since the machinations of modern warfare destroy the very condition of human habitats, military constructions have become increasingly geared towards the possibility of inhabiting such artificial climates (e.g. the underground bunker as a refuge from nuclear fallout).  The modern household simply adapts this formula by providing increasingly artificial climates optimised for human habitation (e.g. the fully automated, air-conditioned high-rise service apartment).

Nadim Abbas, Zone I, 2014. Lightweight concrete casts, robotic vacuum cleaner, rug, skirting board, house paint. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist. 

The title “camoufleur” is borrowed from the name that was given to people who designed and implemented military camouflage during WWI/WWII.  Many of these camoufleurs were artists but there were also zoologists and naturalists such as Hugh Cott, whose book, Adaptive Coloration in Animals became a seminal text for the study and development of camouflage techniques in the military.  For the setup at VITRINE, I will design a wallpaper pattern that becomes the backdrop and point of reference for everything that is subsequently placed in the space. 

For this body of work, your focus is on the figure of the “otaku” or “hikikomori”, terms which originated in Japan. Can you explain these?

Otaku and hikikomori are (Japanese) terms that have come to represent stereotypes of socially ill-equipped, middle-aged males who wall themselves up at home in an escapist world of manga and anime consumption. Otaku generally refers to participants of a subset of cultural practices that revolve around manga and anime fandom. Hikikomori refers to the specific phenomenon of acute social withdrawal. In Chinese, otaku is often translated as “jaaknam” or “zhainan”, which literally means “resident male” (as in resident of a housing complex or tenement block), thus conflating the connotations of otaku and hikikomori. It would take a lot more explanation to unpack the respective nuances of these terms and their ongoing mutations, so I will just focus on the fact that otaku culture arose, or at least thrives, within a uniquely urban, post-industrial context. 

Nadim Abbas, The Last Vehicle, 2016. Mixed media installation with durational performance. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist.

My concern then is not why otaku do what they do, but rather, what kind of space allows this to happen?  It is as if the extremely dense accumulation of cramped interior spaces that characterise so many cities today encourages a turning inward, or a vacuum of mental space itself; a vacuum that disturbs the distinction between the animate and the inanimate, or subject and object. This logic is made visible in the practice of mimicry:  picture a masked body, driven to disappear into its surroundings, to be engulfed by objects whose animation increases in proportion to its own lack of animation.

How will you respond to the position of the space on the public sphere?

The unique positioning of the VITRINE space, which stays open and visible at all hours of the day, creates an interesting set of possibilities for the public display of domesticity.  The window display, which can more easily facilitate instances of repeated daily viewing, structures an encounter that varies according to the state of each visit.  It is this durational quality that pushed me to find different ways of inhabiting the space at different points of the day/week/month.  States of habitation that when considered together start to overlap, and become harder to distinguish from one other: a performer who behaves like a machine, or a machine that is performing? 

Nadim Abbas, #4, 2016. Cosplay helmet mounted on green screen / cyclorama. Dimensions variable. Image courtesy of the artist and Luke Casey. 

There will also be a performance aspect to the exhibition - can you talk about your ideas for this?

The performer will be presented with a set of instructions, or perhaps a distilled script of some sort.  We will work together in advance to develop a specific body language.  I’m looking for someone with the type of movement training that would facilitate the emptying of gestures, or gestures that do not call attention to themselves, the gesture of stones.  If the objective is to perform a disappearing act, it would seem that the magician has already disappeared before the act has begun. Likely candidates might include people who are trained in physical theatre, mime, Butoh; or even life models, who like stick insects are inclined to assume the same pose for extended periods of time.

Interview by Susie Pentelow.

‘Camoufleur’ will run between 1 March and 15 April 2017 at VITRINE, London SE1 3UN, with a preview on Tuesday 28 February 2017, 6.30 – 9 pm. For more information, visit http://www.vitrinegallery.com/exhibitions/camoufleur/.

‘Chimera’ continues until 22 January 2017 at Antenna Space, Shanghai. Visit http://www.antenna-space.com/en/exhibitions/chimera for more information.

Find out more about Nadim Abbas’ work at http://www.nadimabbas.com.

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