#but theres that extra layer of how its going to LOOK to everyone else he has to consider abt it too

[honeyvbarnes]

Mission: Home

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: You make it your personal mission to help Bucky feel at home after he moves into the compound, returning from Wakanda.

Warning: Slight angst???

A/N: Hello kind people! This is my very first post and fic! Please reblog and share! As of, right now I have like two followers, and I would very much like to grow as a blog and make new friends! I am very nervous, so please be kind. I just want to share my love for fics and Marvel babes. So here goes nothin, Enjoy!

*

A new recruit. All you were told is that there will be a new recruit. As the newest, and youngest Avenger, you were pretty damn excited to be getting a new recruit.

After waking up at your usual time, you made your way down to the gym to train with Steve, like you did every morning. Pushing the doors open you quickly realize the gym is empty. This was very unusual, but you shrug it off and start on your morning stretches. Maybe Steve took an extra long run this morning, you think to yourself. Thirty minutes go by and you’ve already ran a couple miles on the treadmill, but you can’t shake the feeling that something is definitely wrong.

“Friday? Where’s Steve?” You ask the AI, stepping off the treadmill.

“Captain Rogers is in the main conference room, with Mr. Stark and -”

“Thanks Fri!” You reply, promptly cutting off Friday before she could finish. As you made you way to the elevators you wonder why Steve and Tony are having a meeting, as well as why Steve didn’t cancel your training session. It must be about the new recruit.

Lost in thought, you make it to the conference room and enter without permission.

“Steve, I really don’t like to be stood up, and I still need to perfect that move you were teaching me yester-“ you stop right in your tracks as you’re met with three pairs of eyes. Tony is standing at the head of the table while the two other men stood as you barged in. Steve stands stiff, nervous even. While the other man, on the opposite side of the tables looks like a deer caught in headlights.

“I- oh I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Y/N, didn’t you see that we have a breakfast meeting scheduled at eight?” Tony asks with a raised brow.

A scheduled breakfast? In all your one and a half years as an avenger, your team has never once had a “scheduled breakfast”. Everyone always ate at their own times. Confusion clouded your features which prompted Tony to tap on his wrist. You look down at your Stark Watch and realize you have a scheduled event at eight. Completely embarrassed and still confused, you spurt out another apology as you rush out of the room.

Two hours later you make your way to the dining area. You’ve dressed in your usual casual attire, but you’ve done your hair and simple makeup. First impressions are important, am I right? You are the last one to the kitchen and Natasha waves at you as you enter.

“Here I saved you a spot next to me!” She says with a smirk.

“Alrighty everyone, quiet down I’m speaking now.” Tony says as he stands. “It’s new recruit day, and well I thought we’d do some team bonding over brunch. Most of you have already met Tin-Man over here. After a much needed vacay, he’s ready to officially become one of us! So enjoy, and thank me later.”

As everyone starts to eat, you look across the table at the LARGE man sitting next to Steve. He’s sitting with his shoulders hunched over and his long chestnut hair is slightly covering his face.

“Hi! Nice to meet you, I’m Y/N, we kinda met earlier.” You introduce yourself with a bright smile. Suddenly everyone stops talking and looks between you and the recruit. Almost as if they’re waiting to see what he’ll do next.

As he lifts his head, he looks almost stunned. His crystal blue eyes meet yours, and you swear theres a slight blush to his cheeks. This man has to be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever seen, but he still has yet to speak, or smile. He’s highly aware that everyone is staring, but you simply just smile at him even more to assure him that it’s okay.

“James. The name’s James, but people call me Bucky.” He finally says, voice quiet and gruff, mouth forming a small smile.

Throughout the next couple of weeks you notice that Bucky doesn’t talk much. He tends to stick to Steve, which is obvious now that you know their history, Sam and Natasha as well. You’ve also come to learn about Bucky’s history. Although he went through extensive therapy in Wakanda, every one still treats him as if he’s a ticking time bomb. Which has apparently made him doubt his decision in moving into the compound, says Natasha. Now, every time you pass him in the halls or run into him in the gym you make sure to say hi, anything really to let him know you aren’t afraid of him. Yet, he has still not warmed up to you yet.

It’s late one night, insomnia truly doing its best work, as you lay on your bed, scrolling through your phone. The compound is quiet, you figure everyone has gone to bed or at least returned to their quarters. Suddenly you hear a loud crashing noise, as your headboard to your bed shakes. Your senses kick in and you’re on your toes ready to attack, if needed. But then silence returns. The sound came from Bucky’s room next to yours. As being the newest members of the team he was put on the same floor as you, Wanda, Vision, and Loki. As you peek out into the hallway, you are met with darkness and more silence. The sound hadn’t seemed to wake anyone up, but you decide to check on Bucky.

“James? Are you alright?” You ask after knocking gently. The door suddenly swings open and Bucky stands before you wearing nothing but low cut sweatpants and socks. His chest is heaving, light layer of sweat coating his upper body. His hair is damp and messily pulled into a bun. His eyes are wide and you notice the slight quiver in his lips. Theres blood on his knuckles of his right hand and you quickly look past his shoulder and see that he had punched the wall.

“Oh,  James what happened?” Concern spilling out of you, you reach out to touch his arm, but he flinches so you quickly pull back.

“May I come in?” He nods in return.

“I… I don’t belong here” he suddenly whispers. He sits on the edge of the bed, elbows to his knees. You take a look around his room, and it is sterile clean. Nothing has been touched, or rearranged. You open your mouth to speak but he starts again. “I don’t deserve to be here with the rest of you. I thought I was ready to start my life, free from my past, but nothing feels right.”

“James, I know how difficult it is. When Natasha first brought me to the compound I think I stayed in my room for like a week straight. I’ve done bad in my life, never thought I’d be forgiven for all my wrongs, but sometimes you just have to accept what you are given. Everyone here has been given a second chance.” Sitting next to him you reach for his bloody hand, “May I clean this up for you?”

“Sure” he says still staring at the ground. Knowing his room is set up just as yours is, you search the restroom cabinet for the first aide kit and return with a wet rag and bandages.

“Ya know, Stark is going to make you pay for that.” You joke as you wrap his knuckles.

He doesn’t reply, so you look up and he is watching you with a confused face.

“Why are you so kind to me?” He asks.

“What do you mean?”

“Everyone seems to keep their distance from me, but you don’t. It’s actually very comforting, you seem to pull me out of my doubt.”

“Well that’s exactly why, when I see someone feeling down I automatically want to comfort them. Even though I’m the youngest on the team, everyone calls me mom, because I tend to smother people with affection. When I see that you’re having an off day I just wanna roll you up in a fuzzy blanket and snuggle you all day.” Suddenly you realize what you had just said quickly add “you know, just to see you happy. Not in a weird way or anything. Oh god I’m sorry, I just wanted you to know that I’m always here for you, if you need a friend.”

Bucky had calmed down since the moment you started talking and is now staring down at you with a dreamy smile. “Thank you Y/N, you really did make me feel better. And as a friend, do you think you could stay with me for a while? Maybe roll me up in that blanket over there, and snuggle me?” He finishes with a smirk.

“Ha Ha very funny” you laugh with an exaggerated eye roll.

“I mean if you don’t want to…” he nudges you jokingly. The eye waggle and goofy smile he gives you makes your cheeks blush and your heart flutter.

“Well I never said I didn’t want to!”

You and Bucky lay on his bed and talk until sunrise, sharing stories of his time in Wakanda and the times before war with Steve, and your stories from childhood. Somehow you do end up getting tangled in Bucky’s arms as his head rests on your chest. He’s sound asleep and you run your fingers absentmindedly through his hair.

You joined the Avengers to change the world, to help those in need. You never realized that you’d be the change in someone else's life, the change that they so desperately needed. The more you thought about Bucky’s confession, the more determined you became to make him feel at home no matter where life took you.

#bucky #bucky x reader #marvel #bucky barnes #marvel fic #james barnes #james buchanan barnes #winter soldier #winter soldier x reader #honeyfic

[wordsandshawn]

Because I'm your boyfriend

Requested: Reader is on tour with shawn and is on her period and jet lag is hitting her really hard and she can’t keep up with time or everything around her and starts freaking out and hyperventilating in the hotel room and her hormones are all over the place and Shawn has to literally ground her and hold her down to calm her down

~~~

You’re not a professional traveler, not even close, which is why it can be so difficult for you when you’re traveling with Shawn. You enjoy it, but it really takes a toll on your body being in a different city every night, and you’re honestly not sure how all these people do it for such long periods of time when you have trouble doing it for a couple of weeks at a time.

Your family tends to have drama, and whenever that happens, they pull you right into it with no regard to where you are in the world or how busy you happen to be. That’s how you ended up in whispered conversation over the phone with your family until three in the morning in the hotel lobby.

When Shawn shakes you awake this morning, only a few hours after you fell asleep, getting out of bed is the last thing you want to do, which is why you groan and try pushing him away. It doesn’t work because you just hear a low chuckle as Shawn leans down, kissing your forehead. “Morning baby,” He mumbles in that raspy voice that still makes your heart beat faster even after all this time. Your eyes flutter open to see your boyfriends unfairly attractive face only inches from yours. You can’t help but smile, the sleepiness slowly dissipating.

“Baby, get up,” Shawn says, softly nudging you.

“Nooooo,” You start to whine until you feel that familiar feeling signaling you’ve started, and you launch yourself out of bed before you’re left with a mess you don’t have the energy to clean up today.

Shawn makes a surprised noise as you disappear quickly into the bathroom. He was not expecting it to be that easy to get you out of bed. Honestly, neither were you, but when nature calls... 

Shawn knocks lightly on the bathroom door. You hadn’t closed it all the way behind you. You’re not ashamed of anything in front of Shawn, and it wouldn’t have bothered you if he walked right in, but he doesn’t. He stays on the other side of the door. “Y/n, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” You hesitate. Its your fault for not planning for this. You should have been paying more attention, but theres been so much going on and you haven’t been thinking about your period which is why you have no tampons with you. After silently cursing yourself for not listening to your friend who told you to get the period tracker on your phone, you make a mental note to do that next soon, but that doesn’t change the situation you’re in right now. You know Shawn is still hovering on the other side of the door, probably wondering what’s wrong. So you say. “I need a favor.”

“Anything.” His voice comes through the space.

“Can you go buy me tampons?” You ask, holding your breath. Shawn has never given you a reason to believe he wouldn’t do something like that, but you’ve had past boyfriends who were entirely freaked out by the idea of your period. 

“Oh.” He sounds relieved, but you can’t be sure. He might be freaked out by it all, and you wouldn’t blame him. Shawn has always been understanding, but you’ve never asked him to actually go to the store and get you tampons. 

The extra layer to it that your other boyfriends never had to deal with and still wouldn’t go for you, is that you’re sure for Shawn, going to the store will be an endeavor in itself, seeing as there are probably fans outside, and you immediately feel guilty. You know that people make store runs for Shawn or for the tour all the time, but this is different. Its normally Josiah running to the store when he has a free minute for mustard or something. That is not this. 

“Actually, it’s okay—” You start to say, but he interrupts you.

“No, baby, of course I’ll go. I was just worried at first it was something bad. Can you just text me the brand and type just exactly what I'm looking for so I can get the right one?”

You sigh in relief, “Thank you, Shawn.”

“You’re okay here for now?” He questions, still on the other side of the door.

“Yes.” You call back.

“Okay, I’ll be as quick as I can.” Shawn says before quite literally rushing out the door, and you hear the hotel door slam behind him. 

While he’s gone, you finish getting ready. Shawn returns less than an hour later, with two bags full of stuff from the store.

“Hi love, how are you feeling?” He questions, walking in. 

“I’m good, what did you get?” You sit up, curious because he has two bags in his hands. 

He places the bags at the foot of the bed and starts pulling things out. “I got two boxes of tampons because I didn’t know how much you needed.” This causes you to chuckle, and Shawn only shrugs in response. “And I got you this because Aaliyah said it’s supposed to help with cramps, or something like that.” He shows you a bottle of Midol.

“You talked to Aaliyah?” You question, eyebrows raised at how awkward that conversation must have been, but he doesn’t seem fazed by that. 

“Yeah, I needed to know what else to get, and I knew if I asked you, you’d just say the tampons and that’s it.” He’s not wrong, you wouldn’t have asked him to get all of this extra stuff, but you’re so grateful he did. You’ll have to thank Aaliyah later for giving Shawn spot on advice.

“This is also supposed to help with cramps.” He says, pulling out a heating pad. “And I got tea, and water.” He says, pulling out a box of chamomile tea and two big bottles of water, placing everything on the bed.

You thank him again, taking a tampon and going into the bathroom. When you return, Shawn ask, “Are you up for breakfast?” And of course you agree, not wanting to hold anyone back, knowing that there’s a set plan for the day laid out, and it starts with breakfast, something you’ve probably already pushed back a while, throwing off the rest of the day. The last thing you ever want to do is mess with the schedule, so you’ll do everything you can to not interfere with it any more than you already have. 

-

You knew that you’d be extra emotional today because of your period, but you didn’t expect it to feel like this. You’re overwhelmed and emotional. All day, you’ve felt out of sorts, like it’s taking all of the energy you have just to exist. You’ve tried so hard to keep a smile on your face, to have a good attitude and be supportive of Shawn, but you’ve had cramps and a mild headache all day despite taking the Midol. You haven’t had a chance to use the heating pad, but you’re glad its there, and you’re hoping to take it to the venue and rest in Shawn’s dressing room later, as much as you’ll hate missing the show, you just don’t think you’ll make it if you have to stand and walk around during the show. 

You’re back at the hotel with the whole crew for a little bit. They just finished having a crew meeting, something you sit in on while you’re on tour with Shawn, so you know what’s going on. Everyone is milling around the hotel room, just hanging out for a bit before its time to go to the venue.

Your family has still been texting back and forth. Everyone is mad, and everyone is texting you about their problems with every other member of the family, and you’re caught in the middle You’re trying to be there for them, and be there for Shawn, and hold it together yourself, which is quickly proving to just be too much for you to do. 

You’re sitting off to the side, lost in thought by yourself when Shawn comes to stand in front of you. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He questions softly, being able to read you like a book.

You’re seated in the oversized chair, your knees pulled up to your chest because of the pain shooting through your stomach, and you don’t even know where to start on his question of what’s wrong. You’ve been holding everything in, trying to keep from letting Shawn know what a struggle the day has been because he’s been so busy working. Soon he’ll be getting ready for his show tonight, and you don’t want to worry him.

Even though you don’t want to tell him, he’s staring down at you with the most caring look in his eyes. He’s just asking to know what’s wrong, genuinely concerned for you, and it makes you unravel right there in front of him, in a room full of people. “I’m just feeling really overwhelmed, and it might just be my period, but I don’t know. My stomach hurts, and I have a headache, and my family is fighting, and I'm sorry that I'm not being as supportive as I should be.” The words come tumbling out in one breath. You feel like you’re about to start crying, but the idea of everyone seeing you falling apart freaks you out. You don’t want to cry, but the more you try to hold in your feelings, the more they come right out. You tend hold your breath when you get to this stage of a freak out. Shawn notices immediately, kneeling in front of you so he’s more eye level with you.

He sees everything happen, almost like he’s able to read your mind as you freak out internally. He takes your hand, “Breathe, baby.” He whispers urgently, while still trying to remain calm to avoid freaking you out any more than you already are. “Y/n, breathe.” He reminds you again, and you’re trying, really, you are. He looks around, no doubt looking for a way out, torn between knowing you don’t want to be in this room full of people anymore and worrying that it’d be worse to make you move right now. “Let’s go.” He finally says decidedly, and you’re not in any state to argue right now.

He gently takes your hand and leads you outside into the silent hallway. He lets you back up into the wall beside the door, your back pressing flush against the wall, letting you hold onto the steadiness of the unmoving wall. He stands in front of you, “Y/n, I need you to breathe, okay?” You hear the tiny hint of panic in his voice, even though he’s trying hard to stay calm.

“I’m okay. It’s okay.” You say, after sucking in a few paranoid breaths. 

He wraps his arms around you, holding you closely in his secure embrace. “I got you. You don’t have to hold it all in, you can tell me that you’re having a shitty day or feeling shitty or even if you don’t know what you’re feeling, you can tell me, and I’ll try to help you figure it out. This is something Shawn has reminded you of several times in the past. He’s promised to be there for you because he knows you tend to hold things in. 

You rest your cheek against his shoulder and he gently rubs your back, still holding you close. Your thoughts may still be racing, but at least Shawn helps you feel contained. 

“I’m just tired, I think?” You finally whisper. Your hormones are causing you to feel so emotional for a reason you can’t quite understand. You’re still overwhelmed, even though you know that you shouldn’t be feeling that way right now, you can’t help it.

"Lets go back to our room, and we can rest.” He suggests, soothingly after a few more seconds. .

“No,” You immediately respond. “We have to leave, for the venue.” You remember then talking about it at the meeting. Everyone should be heading off to the venue soon to finish getting set up. 

“That can wait, we can just rest.” He responds, without missing a beat. 

You’re getting more keyed up. You don’t want to be the reason that he isn’t able to soundcheck or he feels thrown off for the show. “No, we have to go to the venue.” You respond your mind still rushing in several different directions.

He steps back a tiny step so that he can look into your eyes, placing a hand on each of your shoulders, the contact serving to ground you. “Y/n, listen to me.” He says in a voice that means business, then more kindly, he says,  “Breathe.” before continuing, telling you exactly whats about to happen. “We’re going to go back to the hotel. And then I’m going to make you some tea and figure out how to work the heating pad because I'm your boyfriend, and that’s what I do.” Just hearing these words from him makes you feel so much better. You instinctively lean forward, and Shawn wraps his arms around you. “I got you,” He whispers the words that you need to hear. 

Shawn takes your hand and leads you down the hall to your shared room where he unlocks the door and lets you in first. And then he does exactly what he said he was going to. He makes you tea, gets the heating pad to work, and crawls into bed, cuddling you until you really do feel better. 

#Shawn Mendes #Shawn Mendes imagine #Shawn Mendes blurb #Shawn Peter Raul Mendes #Shawn Peter Raul Mendes imagine

[mysmedrabbles]

Broken - [Yoongi x BPD!Reader]

requested: by @edgythiccboi (request is pictured above)

a/n: long overdue and with about the most rough drafts ive ever written for something, its finally here! i hope you enjoy and it takes your mind off of some of the hurt from your past and present. know that the whole of the bpd/ptsd community knows what you're going through and supports you (even though we're all just a bunch of bamboozled and 3dgy kids)

warnings: quite realistic description of a bpd episode, tiny self harm mention, some splitting, self deprecation (it ends in fluff i promise)

-ghost mod alex

-hollowed lungs took struggling breaths in the condensed room, steam and water droplets covering every surface like a disease, a disease from which you could not get away from. you sat on the edge of the bathtub, wheezing into seemingly nothing, chest heaving as you strained against invisible bonds, tying you to the tub, restraining you in your own mind, a prisoner of war against your past.

-a familiar pounding in your head clouded your thoughts, and you could feel yourself spiraling through various personas, each personality you'd tailored for everyone in your life; it hurt too much, it felt like you were being pulled in a hundred different directions.

-who were you today? the bubbly friendly girl in the back of the class? the dark, almost suspiciously angry person, hiding in the shadows? maybe just a quick witted friend, always there with a funny rebuttal, making everyone laugh but yourself. what was the point of "being yourself," and "living life," when you didn't even know who that person was? that person you could have grown into died that day, the day,,, the day it happened. 

-you'd been lucky enough to have survived, to live to today, but what was the point of it all really? 

-you stared at your shaking hands, and for a second you see blood, draining you of your life as all you can do is sit there and watch; but you blink and its gone, only a thin white line serving as a memory. 

-you'd promised him you'd never hurt yourself again, and a part of you knew that you should call to him, for he was only in the other room, no doubt writing another extraordinary song. he was always so smart, so sure of himself and an absolute genius. it wasn't an exaggeration when people complimented him on his music, it came naturally to him, he had a passion and he pursued it. 

-unlike you.

-who were you but a stain on his life? he'd be better off without you anyway. 

-a wave of rage came over you, and all you could see was red, red red red. How dare he not notice how in pain you were, not be here to comfort you and take care? Did he not care? was it all just a joke to him? did he even...did he even love you?

-you felt yourself spiraling further, physically bending over to the point of pain, the muscles in your lower back stretched from the lack of support. tears had started to pool in your open hands, and staring at them blankly you were only vaguely aware of choked sobs reaching out the doorway, small whimpers mixed in with cries as you tried to feel anything beside the pain.

-a small knock distracts you, cautious and questioning, and you know immediately that its yoongi. yoongi your sweet angel, the one who always made you laugh when you were feeling down, played card games with you when you needed a distraction, sung to you when you couldn't sleep, kissed your tears away no matter how many times they fell. you didn't say anything, rather let him open the door himself to see you sitting there hunched over, looking up at him with puffy eyes. 

-he assessed the damage first, scanning the bathroom for anything sharp, any blood or a wad of suspiciously thick toilet paper shoved forcibly into the trash can. upon seeing nothing of the sort his eyes soften, seeing you in your fragile state. he never thought anything less of you, in fact he always thought you were so brave to be alive, to still be fighting after all you'd been through. you were a pair of survivors, people who bonded not only over trivial things like favourite band and your shared humor, but the experiences the two of you had gone through added an extra layer of understanding to the relationship.

-he sits next to you quietly, letting you take a breath before speaking, his voice softer than usual, and yet still with edges of his usual roughness, but he's kind. He looks at you, and you can tell it's taking him all of his energy to not to reach to your face, wiping away your tears and holding you in a tight embrace. he knew the drill, and his main priority was your comfort. 

- "can I hug you?" 

-it's a small thing, but it's enough to bring you back to tears as you nod shyly, too afraid to speak. you close your eyes and you can feel his arms wrap around you, holding you securely close to his chest, steady rhythm of his heart beating against your own chest like a metronome. steady, present, there. he's whispering tiny comforts to you, affirmations of his love and your worth, that everything was going to be okay. you lean into his touch, closing your eyes hesitantly as your head falls on his shoulder, hiding in the crook of his neck. 

-he smells fresh, faint smell of laundry detergent intermingled with his pine shampoo, and something else; he smells like home, the smooth cotton of his plain black shirt on his thin frame under your fingers just adding to the notion of comfort, and your own sobs cant help but die down, calming under his soothing presence. you start registering his voice, his hand tracing soothing circles on your upper back.

- "it's okay," you hear him say, "you're going to be okay. it's over now baby, nothing can hurt you.. i love you so much... i wont let anything bad happen to you.. it's okay... you're going to be okay..."

-his voice drills a hole in your chest, striking a cord and unable to get it out as you struggle to catch your breath. He pulls away, making sure you see where his hands are clearly before cupping your cheeks, stroking away any stray tears. he examines your face soundlessly, giving you a chance to speak if you so choose. you study him right back; he looks tired, like he hadn't slept in a while, soft hair a very definitely natural shade of silver. He saw you revisiting the dark circles under his eyes with your own, and as if reading your thoughts he replies, "work has been a bit long, nothing else princess."

-you open your mouth to make a counterclaim, but he cuts you off gently, "I promise," he says, and yet you struggle to believe him.

-a small pause settles over the two of you, and you could see his sincerity in his words, mirrored by the gaze that falls upon you. sweet kind yoongi with his easily irritable self and cutting humor, his stoic side and his adorable smile which you swear could light rooms.

-did you really deserve him? how could someone as amazing as him be in love with someone like you? Even as you began to speak, you could already feel the guilt washing over you, shame at the notion of manipulation as you asked, 

-“Why do you love me?”

-yoongi smiles, just the tiniest bit as he pulls you closer to him, kissing your forehead, taking your hand in his before responding, “why do i love you? ah well thats a complicated question with too many answers,” he looks at you, hoping to notice a change in your expression, but seeing no results he presses on, “I love you because you’re you, because you get up every morning and face the world even though its told you repeatedly to stand down,” he brushes a stray hair behind your ear as he goes on, carefully as to not set you off in some way, “I love you because even though you’re characterized by a mental illness thats seen as horrible and dark you constantly show up with your brightest smile and kindness in hand, and theres never been a day where being by your side hasn’t been a gift. I love you because of the way you’re attentive, how kind you are to complete strangers, your smile when you think no ones looking. the way you doodle in the corners of my lyrics sheet and fall asleep next to me at the studio when im up late working.”

-he shifts, fully facing you, tilting your chin up so you’re looking him directly in the eyes, piercing into your soul, trying to bring back any piece of hope you have to the surface, “I love you because theres that insatiable force pulling us together,” he playfully tugs on your arm, earning a teary chuckle from you as you look away, feeling the tears start up again. damn him and his talent with words.

-he’s just saying that because you asked him that

-your brain, a genius

-guilt courses through you at his words, a stab to the heart marred by the sweet tone of lies. this was manipulation. great. you’d manipulated your way to validation was an excellent girlfriend you were, truly inspiring. You feel the headache start up again, but yoongi catches you, placing his hands firmly where your shoulders connect to your neck, seriousness overcoming him as he cuts off your thoughts, sword at the ready, “I’m a logical person y/n, you know this, you say this to me all the time, and I wouldn’t have said any of this if it weren't true.”

-he searches your expression for anything, a twitch or a change, and is surprised to have you curl up in his arms, burying your face in his chest as you breathe for seemingly the first time since the conversation started, letting a full sigh as you try to clear your head, willing to pay anything to just believe his words. yoongi pulls away, hand running softly through your hair as he admires you. he slowly leans in for a small kiss, not passionate, leading to nothing, but just a kiss to let you know he’s there, and he’s not going anywhere and for now, just knowing he’s here is enough

-after what seems like forever of him holding you, the rim of the tub digging into your thighs, he presses a gentle kiss on your temple, intertwining your fingers with his before he stands up, extending his free arm to help you up. “come on princess, lets go to sleep,” is all he says.

#yoongi #yoongi x you #yoongi x reader #yoongi scenarios #bts #bts reactions #bts scenarios #bts fanfction #bts suga #min yoonji #min yoongi #suga #suga x reader #suga x you #agustd #bangtan #bpd #bpd comfort #actually bpd #ptsd #actually ptsd #suga scenario #yoongi reactions #did i accidentally trigger myself writing this? yes #did i split on everyone? still yes #was it worth it? also yes

[mobpsycho100]

dumbasses: “it was just a fight for 10 eps straight”

the actual narrative that was being presented throughout the entire fight:

it started with luffy going into the mirror world and smashing it so katakuri couldnt come out of it. what this did was impressed katakuri for the first time when he sees luffy determination to protect his crew (most of the fight was about gaining respect for luffy so this is important to keep in mind). luffy came into this situation where he knew he wouldnt be getting out easy just to save his crew. despite being clearly outclassed luffy chooses to go fight and this is the first thing he did that earned his respect. they fight some and what oda is tryna show at this part of the fight is that katakuri is better than luffy in every single way. no matter what attack luffy did, katakuri mirrored it and returned it but way stronger. their powers are the same (rubber / mochi) and the fight itself is set up in a mirror world because katakuri is a mirror / parallel to luffy. this initial part was to also showcase that luffy couldnt attack katakuri no matter what he did and set that mystery up. this was also set up for showing katakuri was a huge badass and a super powerful guy. and we learn the first part of his back story through the side characters expositing about how since the day he was born katakuri just sat up and fell asleep and has never laid his back to the ground ever in his entire life. its goofy and hilarious as hell but theres a deeper message to it that we find out about later on.

so katakuri uses a big attack after beating luffy down in basically every single way and just flattens him with this mountain of mochi because he became irritated at how luffy wouldnt stay down and kept getting back up after every single attack. we didnt know why he was so annoyed at this point in the story but we later find out that katakuri was frustrated cause he couldnt understand why luffy was okay with getting back up after being beat so much cause in his eyes, being beaten so badly is shameful and that you should be ashamed to show weakness. because of his annoyance towards luffy and the fact that he was late to his merienda time, he didnt check to make sure luffy was fully dead before leaving and going to make a house of mochi so he could eat donuts sinfully while laying on the ground.

then the biggest event in this entire fight happens. luffy survives the big attack and breaks the mochi house and sees katakuri's indulging in his donut private time and learns his biggest secret, which he kept hidden even from his family for the past probably 30 years. he sees katakuri with his scarf off and sees his huge fucked up mouth (which he was made fun of by almost everyone even his own family, growing up) open laying on the ground and eating donuts. this is the second thing luffy does to gain katakuri’s respect. luffy demonstrates he does not give a shit about katakuri’s appearance or what he does and is cool with it all and doesnt make fun of him UNLIKE most people katakuri knows would do. this was also establishing a strong parallel between them and sanji / pudding. so katakuri is mad as hell, that he immediately kills the bystanders who also saw his face and saw katakuri laying on the ground. he covers up his face (because he is still ashamed) and starts fighting luffy again but this time he’s angry as hell. and even tho luffy saw him clearly on his back he doesnt allow any of luffy attacks that land on him to get his back to the ground. because katakuri became flustered over being seen in such a vulnerable position by luffy he’s sloppy but regardless as the fight goes on its still clear katakuri is clearly stronger in every single way and luffy still cant do much to him.

until luffy learns why exactly he wasnt able to hurt katakuri. this is the third thing luffy does to gain katakuri’s respect. he lands the first solid blow on katakuri shortly after that and we learn that its been so long katakuri cant even remember the last time he was hurt like that. luffy presented himself to katakuri as a challenge, which katakuri had not had in many many years. but at this point luffy wasted alot of stamina and had to run out of the mirror world and leave katakuri there. those 10 minutes he was gone to catch his breath, it showed luffy in one of his rarest moments actually thinking about how exactly to defeat katakuri. it works because luffy doesnt really ever have to fight that hard to defeat his opponents usually.

and then the final thing luffy did to gain katakuri’s respect was return back to the mirror world despite the fact that he could have escaped and hid somewhere else. instead he came back for another round proving he can win and get stronger. at this point in the fight both katakuri and luffy know that katakuri is stronger than luffy in every concievable way so katakuri admires luffys courage to return and earnestly try to beat him rather than just disappear off. so the fight resumes and luffy continues to improve on his new technique but katakuri is still stronger.

and then the other big event of this fight happens. katakuri’s sister whom we learnt was president of the katakuri fanclub got a shot on luffy with some sort of  poison dart and katakuri doesnt notice and manages to land a huge shot on him and tear his stomach open while luffy is temporarily disorientated. because of all this build up throughout the arc with katakuri slowly gaining respect for luffy, he is understandably very pissed. because she dared laugh at luffy, somebody who was so strong and had earned his respect in so many ways. katakuri as a sign of ultimate respect towards luffy, spears himself with the same trident he used on luffy. and then he rips off his scarf that he used to hide his mouth and promptly told her to not interfere in a fight between real men. he speared himself to be on equal terms with luffy physically, and he ripped off his scard to be on equal terms with luffy who was being mocked and laughed at by his sister and her cronies. his sister flambe screams in surprise at how hideous he looks but then starts to make fun of his appearance soon afterwards but katakuri was so moved by luffys actions he doesnt care anymore that he revealed his 30+ year secret. he also removes his jacket at this point which has “charlotte” printed on the back which was a metaphor for showing that he’s not fighting for his pirate crew / family anymore. he’s fighting as himself against luffy.

which is FINALLY when they both start to actually go all out against each other, katakuri is still winning but not as overwhelmingly anymore as luffy masters his new technique more and more but katakuri still doesnt allow himself to fall on his back and thats when they both land a big blow and knock each other out which is when the fight ends and for the first time katakuri delibrately falls on his back to show his utmost respect towards luffy.

later on we find out a few chapter after the fight ends that katakuri didnt used to care about who made fun of him when he was younger because he was strong enough to take anybody on, but when some cowards went after his sister instead of him and manage to hurt her, thats what propelled him to hide his face in the first place and put on this persona of being the ultimate badass who never let his back touch the ground and never allowed himself to look weak ever. it didnt matter to him what people said about him or did to him, what truly hurt him deeply was that people were going after his family instead of coming to him. 

this entire arc / fight wasnt about him being a complete badass. it was actually us see him being pressured to become the most perfect big brother but as a result he ended up hiding too many parts of himself away to keep up his act. this is why he thinks falling down is shameful and doesnt allow his back to touch the ground in front of other people because being perfect is how he was able to be so strong and loved by his siblings too. but seeing luffy constantly not only get back up after falling down constantly throughout the fight but not make fun of him and accept him as he is and respect his strength too made him realise that falling down is okay as long as you get back up. that its okay to not be perfect. this is the final puzzle piece put into place for this fight so we could finally see the full picture.

this entire narrative was woven in throughout this entire fight with everything being revealed bit by bit as it all went down. none of this information was spoon fed in one go and then they proceeded to punch each other for 10 episodes straight. it was written with a lot of subtlety and care so things might not have seemed clear enough if you didnt pay enough attention but every little moment added a new layer and it kept building upon itself and revealing new information to the very last moment and then revealing a little extra more in the aftermath so our understanding of the fight was changing all throughout it. the characters we see at the beginning of the fight went through significant changes and come out as different people by the end of it.

#long post #so i actually wrote it. #this is why this is the best fight in one piece now

[broccoliini-blog]

Utaite Fanfiction Recommendations

This is just a compilation of some of my personal favourite (subjective to my tastes) within the Utaite fandom on wattpad and AO3, and as you can see 95% of the fanfiction in this fandom is soramafu (not that I’m complaining).

Not including one-shot and/or drabble collections. Includes oneshots and multi-chaptered stories. 

wattpad.com

The Tale of a Century by Shiramekaru 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete 

He watched his silhouette from behind, the sun against his figure. It honestly made him look like... an angel. 

“What do you keep trying to look for?” he spoke up, voice coming out louder that expected. 

Mafu scoffed, a distasteful scoff, a spiteful scoff. And even though Soraru couldn’t see the look on his face, he could guess.

“That’s what I’d like the know.”

-

What does it take to be family?

And what does it take to love?

Where exactly does your home lie?

Where the Wind Blows by Shiramekaru 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

What happens when a boy meets the one that hurt him so long ago?

Whether everything was a lie, he has decided that he doesn’t want to know.

The only place to go is where the wind decides to take him...

Heaven’s Will by RandomlyCreative15 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

“Soraru-kun, you’re not supposed to get love advice from a god of war!”

Soraru falls for the cute prince that plays music in the royal garden every day. Unfortunately, someone else falls for him too. And that person is way better at socializing that Soraru is. But Soraru is determined to have the prince all to himself. He just needs a little help from his fellow gods. 

Don’t Go by NeverEverLux 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Desperately he grabbed on to what was left of their love, but he was the only one holding on. The other side has long given up to save what wasn't meant to be saved. And he can't continue to try and try always, because it doesn't matter how hard he tried. It will never be enough, he will never be enough.

Acacia by guacanole

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

No summary (Angst).

After the Rain by inokori

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Haitus

Soraru - a deceptive, cold shouldered wizard who embarks on a quest for eternal life.

Mafu - a bright student of alchemy who journeys to discover the answer to his mentor's questions, and to save his small village from a sickness. 

Amatsuki - the infamous prince of the Kucrest Realm that vanishes often, seeking a different life. 

Kradness - the rogue that doesn't know his place in this foreign realm, yet. 

Sakata - the traveling merchant that is strangely enigmatic and seems to hold deep secrets. 

Uratan - the animal tamer which travels around with Sakata in search for eternal happiness. 

 In a series of strange events, this group finds themselves glued together, in one final destination.

archiveofourown.com

[Hey] by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

“Soraru-san.”

“Hm?”

“I like you.”

“…I know.”

Overreactions by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

“It hurts, Soraru-san!”

“Shut up! The pain won’t disappear quickly if you keep on moving! Stay silent, will you?!”

“B-but, it hurts~!”

…somehow, that conversation sound very wrong.

--five words: this does not contain lemon. Thank you very much.

Butterflies by Shinku_Tsukki

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

“Soraru-san likes Lon, right?”

Soraru stared blankly at the white-haired guy.

“And Shonen-T too.”

“What are you implying here?”

“—do you like me the way you do toward them?”

Mistakes by CoSINeRULES [NSFW WORK]

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Basically Mafumafu gets a dildo stuck up his ass.

Peel Back the Layers by Justanothersinger

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

'It feels like he's stepped into a horror manga.

Now that was something he didn't think he'd be thinking today. Although...considering who he was going to see, he should've expected it, he supposed.'

Soramafu with extra extra sexual tension and high knee socks. Yep.

i’m like a star by phanstarlight [one of my all time favs]

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

soulmate au: when you write something on your skin, it shows up on your soulmate's skin as well.

a.k.a. the really dramatic soramafu soulmate au that nobody asked for.

one step ahead by watersaugustus 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Amatsuki x Itou Kashitarou

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

He was always one step ahead of me.

Wicked Game by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Various

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

"You just have to kill someone, you know.. You guys don't have to be sooo surprised about it, you pussies." "Killed someone? We'll go on a trial! If everyone voted for the wrong killer, everyone is dead except for the killer, and the killer will receive a prize! He gets to escape, too. But if everyone voted for the real killer, the killer is dead, and the game continues. Simple as that~" the doll continued its explanation with no hesitation, like it was a normal conversation.

-

Utaite killing game like danganronpa!!

The Bittersweet Taste of Coffee and Love by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Aho no Sakata x Urata

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

"It's bitter."

"So basically it needs more sugar, right?"

"Probably!"

He can't pinpoint the taste out. It's not bad, but it's not good either. Something is just missing.

Games by yosannnnno

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

It has been months since these two started dating. They did have some proper dates, but it's always Soraru asking him out. Mafu then took him to the arcade.

best friend by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Complete

"how would you describe your guy's relationship?"

desserts by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

in which info-san is really confused over soraru and mafu's relationship

names by soramafu

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

the small smile Soraru gives him could light up whole universes.

(in which Soraru and Mafumafu debate over what to call each other, now that they're dating.)

from white to blue by llanfaircat

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

“He survived the witch-burning by hiding in a swordsman’s tower, which made things a lot more complicated.”

or the story where Mafumafu is a witch, Soraru is not supposed to be alive, and Kashitaro and Amatsuki are just kind of awkwardly stalking them so that the two of them don't die before they can save the world

dream fireworks by llanfaircat

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

It's summer in Japan. After working hard for the whole year, Mafumafu and Soraru venture out together to enjoy a peaceful night of fireworks.

Hiraeth by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Nqrse x Luz

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

In the face of reality, Nqrse confronts his fear of rejection and exclusion. And he has no idea what will kill him first - his emotions or terminal illness. 444

Glamour by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Mafumafu's heart was set on what was beyond Aokigahara 'Suicide Forest' - Mount Fuji.

Soraru misunderstands.

(To) Ignore by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Real knowledge is to know the extent of one's ignorance.

Mafumafu may be ignorant, but Soraru is even more so.

Berserk by usernqme

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Soraru doesn't remember the first time he smokes his first joint, and Mafumafu doesn't think he'll ever be able to put the knife down.

It's ironic, how two of the most broken people could have the perfect relationship.

The You I’ve Come To Know by kanpeki_na_machigai

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu, Various

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

Soraru and Mafumafu are the leaders of a rather reckless adventuring team. Unfortunately, injuries force them to stay in town, but somehow that becomes an adventure in itself.

or

Everyone has feelings for each other & theres a lot more emotional exploring than physical exploring.

the place between us by Cairin

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Lon-centric, Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

In which Lon fears that Soraru and Mafumafu's evolving relationship leaves no space for her in their lives.

The Tale of Mafuyuki by ChibaWritez

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Once upon a time, there lived a kingdom known as the Utaite kingdom. Where everyone who lived there were gifted with special voices of their own, whether it be vibrato, soprano, alto, tenor, or baritone; everyone lives in equal and harmony.

The king, known as the ruler of the Utaite kingdom, for his name is luz.

“O mirror mirror on the wall, who has the most beautiful voice of them all?” he asks.

“My liege, the one who holds beauty of them all, is the servant of the castle by the name of Mafuyuki.” Hashiyan exclaimed.

A crossover of Snow White with the Utaite fandom.

A Day with Soraru-sensei! by ChibaWritez

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru, Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

Soraru, as a kindergarten teacher, was tasked by his neighbor to let her son stay in for the night while she's away. Soraru accepted and watches over the young boy known as Mafu, a fellow student of his.

A funny, heartwarming bond between a teacher and a preschooler begins for a day's span!

It’s Painful by Yume_no_Mikoto

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Amatsuki x Hashiyan

Type: Multi-chaptered

Status: Ongoing

"It felt as if she took all his vital organs and just left him a bleeding, empty husk. Nothing would ever make him whole again, he thinks, there’s nothing left to make him whole again."

or

Hashiyan and his girlfriend separated. Amatsuki harbors feelings for his best friend

fragile by kyolea 

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru, Luz

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

soraru can't bring himself to hate luz.

Whispers in the Dark by uni_purin

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

I think I need you here, he texts fast, before he lets the phone drop between his crossed leg. He curls on himself, elbows pressed against thin thighs, and red eyes fixed on a display that it doesn’t take long, before it lights on again.

As the Seasons Pass by rashomoaninq

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

As spring approaches, Soraru's mind starts to wander to rather bittersweet memories

Niche by IceColdLemonTea

Main Pairing(s)/Character(s): Soraru x Mafumafu

Type: Oneshot

Status: Complete

A day or two after a certain albino's death, Soraru decided to visit his now unattended apartment.

#utaite #mafumafu #soraru #uratanuki #urata #sakata #aho no sakata #amatsuki #hashiyan #luz #nqrse #naruse #lon #itou kashitarou #sou

[haeroniel-doliet]

thbleugh but what bich is gonna fight me for me

idk im just gonna rant again, im sorry if youre on mobile just like, give it a big flick and fly past this i tried i actually have a read more this time

anywy im feelin shitty an dumb n weird an its not fun?? like do we try categorize these feelings: 

1. i have 3 days to pass a course and all the course work i failed to do in fucking march 

1.b. all those emotions to do w unis great! but also ive been solow and sad and dysfunctional its not rly even funny, grades dropping many levels in half a year like. sure grades dont define my life but considering how easy it is for me to get those grades to see them consistently and kinda dramatically dropping isnt helping (even though like i actively know i got lower grades bc i didnt fucking attend class or take in any knowledge. i realise hahah im making a psychology reference bc im a smart psychology uni student.... hmh oh yeah we, we learned about this, i dont know it. my peers do. oh. oh i didnt, i didnt learn anything. oh no. im here to learn abt the subject im supposedly loving and thats the best fit for me bc like hell id be an artist. anyway i have a lot of shit down here i havent figured out who to talk it out to. the mental health advisor didnt have the time for it rly and w counsellors its been different topics but now were in summer and id rather spend the spare money i can rattle off my parents on ballet than a psyhc i could see 2 times best. im just gonna have to wait till septembet bc my dumb white wall subscitption expired too damnti. ugh im just, okay lets move on

2. inadequacy thats not justified? like it is obvs bc it bothers me and i know i can do better and i am better than this all and i clearly have smth stopping me. while to others im doing just fine if not better than them who are really struggling and kinda dont have sympathy for me who goes ‘ugh im doing so badly and struggling, i mean i write perfect essays in one go but its just so hard to do thattt and i know im smarter and better than this’ esp bc say putting words together in that way is difficult on them and not been good at school

2.b. like being good at school but noot being good now, classic phenomenon or has my school system always been the softes most coddliest and where in the normal or worse school 1would have performed average and maybe learned to study and the worth of it to do better, ive just been good enough that caring became so unnecessary i need to waste my time on pointless but constant other things. like youtube and rpchats. constant monotone stimulation for hours. andhours. 

2.c. asking for help bc im struggling w actually getting over the fuzzy and struggle and self hate and blegh feelings to do some work thatd allow me to pass the coursein my 3 days of the very last extended time. and then realising, ah either youve slaved over your work and stressed and panicked to have it good and on time and have no pity left for me and my foolishness, or you never got to uni/struggled to go to uni and think im wasting my opportunity by being an ungrateful lazy piece of hsit. and i know ia m. and 2.d. its the reason why im not doing extra volunteering or serious extra curriculars thatd give the headstart in my lfie. bc, even tho on one side i wanna be that kid and owuld scoff at ppl not doing it who are here for fun and get a degree on the side, rn i see it as not stealing away dedicated good peoples spots who deserve to get the extra recognition for being clever and independent, meanwhile knowing htat probablyill be just fine. worst case scenario for me is literally (ok theres worse but v unlikely) living w my parents and ending up at a mediocre service job to another mediocre office job or smth and never get to a lab bc i wasnt sufficient enough and i never got the cotton balls out of my head and cleared up again to be smart enogh

okay what next, shitty privilige, crying abt my cotton ball head or not being smart

3. okay were gonna do the smart first bc my chest hurts and i kinda feel like crying or smth abt it. like in a dumb (fun) chat im playing athena known for wisdom and all this shit, and though i can throw out a quip or two or cleverly use smth to keep the smartass wisdom stick going on, every now and then i realise how dumb i am and not smart enough that another person could clearly fill this in much better. like. you know all the hilarious posts abt mansplaining and women being pushed out of their fields by dumber men who think they know better bc the others a woman and like, yeah? things where they are confident enough to say, actually i am way smarter than you and i know this bettr. here i am feeling like even if i spent years researching smth i wouldnt have the confidence to feel smart and knowldegeable abt it. like rn, i cant even hold arguments anymore bc im a fool. and i come off as dumb and i dont want to be, i still wanna be the smart kid, but im not working my brain im not doing work or research or learning, im jsut floating by w my cotton ball head thats getting fuzzier and fuzzier and though i can do tasks and would probably b v compeittive if it came to that and need to prove myself as smart, i can no longer feel like id hold my own, esp when people poke holes so easily, trap falls, “hah you dont know what to say ive bested you you dumb bitch” vibey things i just. its horrible? i wanna be smart and be confident in my smartness and feel recognized as smart by other people and live up to that expectation of actually being clever. and not just, knowing im smart enough in some ways bc school ive  passed so easy w always good remarks and participate well in class discussion and all, and im sure nobody thinks im rly dumb bc if i have to ask things im v friendly and try to be attentive. and idk if nobodys expecting more than me, bc again if i cant answer ive developed to be v chill about it and come off as average i guess. 

anyways 4. privilige; like thers multiple inc. the fact im fucking finnish aka my education system was supposedly one of the best, i grew up international so i wasnt even confined to one shitty school in one shitty town, ive had varied school experiences and switching so much i think has given me confidence in myself and shit like that. also bc im finnish i get grants in uni, like free money. and so far i have barely had to use it bc surprise my parents are togther and decently well off bc they got lucky w a job being fancy ppl for 3 years and my older brother is already  adulting and slowly doing his own thing so i can have more money from them. aka. catch my dad paying all my rent and food and everything i need/ ask for on the condition we keep a good releationship. and im reasonable bc he raised me smart apparently idk. but that still means im living at home i have no intentions of becoming an independent home owner bc idk how i would esp since ill be with my parents most holidays for years to come and idk even when or how ill become a real adult being in a real home w real comapnionship. bc rn idk who im even gonna live with, hopefully be civil w them maybe even make a bit of friends but im not gonna have a significant other to move in and support me for a while bc thats a thing idk if were getting into today in this why im feeling shitty rant. 

4.b. so im priviliged in everyway to go to uni for free (damn i gotta apply for that again) in a nice country and a nice and supportive school and get funding from both my parents and my country and not worry abt money and just get a degree all supported and babied again. im also, idk. priviliged bc, fuck writing comes easy to me, i know nayone reading my rants would be like... yeah this is barely legible and terrible writted and mind blurts so i say it is yes bc its mind blurts but i can organise my htoughts into fancy essays surprisingly easy and critical stuff like psych and english came  mad easy to an extent. sure, i wasnt talented in math but i still made it, i am not talented in science but sometimes the concepts click and i can . but then, im also talented in art. and im not ashamed to say its privilige disposition or talent or smth, bc damn. i do not practice or dedicate enough love to claim that. sure, ive drawn always, sure, ive practiced more as a kid thatn other kids and thats probably carried me thru pretty far, but i think ive just had a natural disposition to be good at art technique (creativity maybe not so, or inspiration) but i know what looks good and sometimes how to achieve that. cue montage to art class where i sit w my friends who are talking about bands or making outlines w nut shells bc there i am beside them doing the work in half the time twice as good. mostly bc the teacher wasnt great and would assign essentially copying a picture from a4 to a2 u know like drawing the same thing. and thats not easy. and youre supposed to build up really light layers and slowly refine it.  and ppl who listened only ended up w shitty light drawings that either look like potatoes or vaguely like the picture, while i with boosting confidence would go, we only do one super light sketch one medium sketch and one dark layer. bc by the medium one everything is in its place and looks abt like everyone elses and i need the dark hues to show it accurately even if it isnt perfect, and my work would like almost always stand out on the wall bc it was so different/advanced. i wont lie it influenced my friends to not draw as well or as much sitting next to me, and ofc id feel bad and i could never boast bc i felt bad that they didnt try bc they saw me, thought mines not gonna be like that so im just gonna fuck around and do whatever. and i obvs needed praise but would always feel bad bc it was obviously me who was the best in that class and its so self conceited but, it kinda just was true in that small class half of whom didnt want to be there. me butt kissin and trying to impress myself w my skill. catch like, that first day he asked us to draw the person next to us, and i made my partner draw me first, bc i just knew if i went first theyd look at it and draw me a potato stick figure in 5 seconds and say i cant draw like you. and true. while the rest of the class made sketchy circle guys, some looing so childish, here i went and said, okay i find it awkward having you stare at me and if  you move a lot it makes it harder to be accurate, so, like take out your phone and get comfortable and look down at that for a while hence drawing3/4 unlike anyone else w eyes cast down and damn if i dont remember it being beautiful and identifiable as that friend, even tho the teacher told ppl around me like, ah yes she did it this way, 3/4 not face on which is much easier. which is true but bitch you never said. sides it looks so much better and was so much less frustrating. anyway, even now in that chat i go and like drop my drawings in bc partially i just wanna draw more and showing people makes me draw? u know. and i kinda wanna get compliments. but ive figured im pretty humble abt it. and sure i get comments that are like god i wish i could draw like that from someone that doesnt draw arms or legs and theyre v bublehead cartoon. and im like. you could. but yours is still middle school level, so just, keep working at it, get confidence to break your mold. 

that andtheres this one chick that,,,, gawd, well they admit to being a sociopath in chat which is great and seem real attention seekery in general (theres a surprising amount of people, while in midst of rp and getting compliments go “well i guess im a shit rpr because nobody wants to rp with me ://) post art and then be like dramatically UGH i hate it it looks so bad im terrible at art, literally poster girl for fishing for compliments. and even if i dont like the style at all, i try give in anatomical pointers or smth abt the drapery or smth technical i can complement. bc id want the same i guess? and i dont love let alone like the art itself. and then, while getting so many of those theyre like “yeah well nobody likes my art, say it reminds them of this character (jessica rabbit while all hers have big hips big tits tiny waists massive lips massive eye, but just one eye bc the otehrs covered by hair like theres obvious similarities) which means im totally not original like i thought so why even try!” and other melodramatic things that i can argue, but they dont wanna hear it they want attention and praise and i just ughhh i could preach you about how no art is original and its all from influence, or how someone doesnt have to like your style to appreciate it, or someone might love your style and like. basic stuff ive figured out myself. and it gets frustrating trying not to get a superiority, or to start shoving my own art in there to try compete or smth. and its just. hard. idk. id k. i know theres people who are averse to art and never tried to be good at it who are obvs gonna be omg thats so good i cant even draw and ill be like, hah yeah sure dude if you tried maybe btut thanks. 

also drawing man its so weird, whenever i see someone elses drawing a part of me goes “we must draw so that we can show were better than that” like, either to get complimetns and shift it to me? or to just show them off. to be like. i can do it better. which i kinda hate about myself? that i draw mostly bc of that and a need to show off? like amxxs art or smth, them talking like yeahh ugly art is good art, drawing is so healing i feel great or im so proud of myself for improivng so much look at my art, and a part of me goes, awh yes! my theorys proven working on art for yourself improves and can cheer you up, another goes, yesnow i must draw to show how good i am and show how i too feel fulfilled by drawing but also make it about me by weeping how i hate drawing myself. literally smths wrong w me seeing others pot abt their midrift, or learning to accept their curves or drawing themselves or smth, and theres a gremlin of me going like yeah but i cant draw myself bc i tried once and it looks like shit and ill only highlight my flaws and im slightly afraid of someone saying it looks exactly like me or other dumb shit, or i dont have curves to accept bcim not big hip big thic thigh girl im just. my legs are big but mostly ugly bc of the skin on them not bc of their size (ankles tho oof) and i have no hips i have no butt bc it allwent to my stoamch thats also ugly and my broad   badly postured back thats also ugly w these spots and marks and scars soon probably. and saggy boobs dont forget those. bc theyre literally fat sacks aiming for the ground i guess. anyway. no cute curves,  no beautiful skin no nth its just tough and i cant help but feel the negativity towards myself in almost every glimpse of someone elses positivity. i dont always air it which would be horrible of me to do, but its still there. making their happiness about my misery. maxx loves their boyfriend?> i hate them bc i dont like him and its rining it> i hate them havingsuch a dreamy but fake seeming ‘soulmate’ relationship bc its not true and i think itll end up terribly> im neveer gonna have that and im jealous of them i guess having someone theyd dedicate so much to and who loves them so much theyre all over the place making sappy things> well theyre an oveer romantic whod do it over the smallest things this wasnt a great example. 

anyway yeah extra note, even if i felt comfortable enough for sex im not comfortable enough in my body for that and idk how thats relevant to anything but i guess thats smth id also talk w a therapist abt whod probably tell me, then dont have sex! like yeah thats my plan.but im talking never gonna be able to form a relationship bc even having a friend for a sleepover makes me uncomfortable having them see me in an uncontrolled clothed position. u feel. 

anyway i have a lot of little problems that amount and i guess when i start addressing one the rest pop up their ugly heads and this is why i never getanywhere. this all comes from  how shitty i feel from how i have literally not even 3 full days to complete those tasks and pass, and i know i need to, though nothing in me actually feels like itll actually do the work u know, that spiraled through that chat into privilige of being at school and how i should tryy a bit that turned to im priviliged to be smart to pass and in my talent in art despite not being an artist that spiraled to another way i disliked myself and thats my fucked relations to myself my body and relationships (esp including me that dont exist)  

side note, though no surprise if for some ungodly reason youve read this shit i wrote at 8.30 am when i have a docs appointment abt my very ugly skin at 12.45 i over share. easily. if somseone asks id give them all. look at this. even in that chat i spiraled from, hah fun fucked up thing im almost failing my course bc im a shit, to my  heads filled with fuzz and i hate that i cant live up to my potentia. and im surprised how much i like this one guy, though who with his character ripped into my athena and make me question all my smartness, really makes me feel better ooc??? like theyre genuinely nice and just too informed and funny and playing the dick for a very well thought out reason (drunk doesnt mean it etc) and while the sociopath gal is giving me the side eye after they tried to help but figured out im a prviliged kid whos in school for free and not making the most of it and how easy school has been forme when for them despite their hard efforts they failed high school.u know not reallly helping kinda making me fele worse bc i know i should be doing better and could be and not only bc i have a priviliged opportuntity to and ability, i would benefit so much more if i did it for myself. but here comes by weird guy who slips on a freudian approach and claims they love helping ppl through their problems so i drop another overshare paragraph if he rly wanted to help but lighten it by taking thetopic off, he doesnt return and never address my post bc now its onto talking abt the big rp thing. im not mad. i just, idk i kinda wanted their support, another poor stranger to inflict w my extremely troubled wordy lengthy and i guess complex thoughts and feelings and lack there of sometimes and other shit. 

anyway im not doing great but im gonna grab 3 hrs of sleep before the doc, come back, nap, go to ballet again, come back, ad.... do smth.. work. maybe. one can hope. i hate it will it actually work only time can tell and i hate myself already.ugh. i hate i hate im not okya with this why cant someone else deal w me for me. deal with all these feelings and botherings and make me do my work and be satisfied doing it and do it all in time and feel a little success and reward myself like i should for work done and not just when i want. idk. someone,t ake over my life, you might be better at it. help me dela with school that i currently hate the most even if im meant to end up a scholar or smth

#rant time #bc i guess i need to vent out my feelings that are just annoyingly complex and i cant actually deal with them #aka i hate myself #but not like actively or aggressively #i prefer not think i exist but thats not even covered up above #just bullshit #dont read if youd like to keep your day being nice

[julucid]

Feb 1 '18 / N25 - Hotel

its a business. basically a bunch of buses---id say most of them are jeeps like the ones in the Phil with the open back and barely there windows. what they do is they ride up this mountain/cliff idk what to call it. on the left side down below, theres another road-i think its two way since it looked rush hour busy. on the left of that road, is the ocean where there are rocks near the "shore". you could see them jutting out here and there. for every tall warped boulder you see peeking out, theres a dozen more swarming around them beneath the surface, waiting to skewer some nice bbq bodies.

i think this bus ride business, is a pretty new thing because the driver was telling me about it like i was a beta tester and one of the few who was brave or stupid enough to try it firsthand. what they do is they basically keep riding higher and higer up that mountain side and then they dont stop or slow down momentum but the bus would just somehow tilt towards the edge and just let it fall. it would roll and roll down and defy gravity, narrowly avoiding both the two way road below it and swerving all the way to the far side-pass all of those killer sea rocks.

i had seatbelts on all over my body so none of my limbs or head would flop all over the place or tear off and fly away. the wait before the actual falling was the worse part cause the whole time up there the dream was giving me taste tests of what was gonna happen. basically just replaying over and over the future so im sitting there with my heart beating zumba and trying not to piss my skirt (also one of the rare times i dream im wearing a skirt, especially short ones) since i was convinced that id swallow some of that pee when we crash through the water. by the time the bus really fell for real, my bones were already extra brittle from stiffening up back and forth in the faux falls. my hands were white from grabbing the rails on my sides with my arms out. there was a lot of space and i didnt have to worry about hogging cause i was the only passenger there.

i dont know how the jeep manages to drive accross the ocean or how the rear end doesnt flood over instantly but the ride was actually pretty peaceful. there werent any violent rocking or any sinking, rising-- it felt like the bus was sliding like ice skating, except slower like those Zambonis.

the island we landed on i already forgot most of the details but i remember how it didnt have anything else except for this hotel. the whole island is the hotel, and instead of building upwards for more levels, they built down into the ocean. its horizontal, and only one room going left to right. 3-walled rooms where the back side has windows to see the ocean behind, and the front side has no wall or door at all. just an open space that has this huge heavy curtain for the wall. it blocks out the sharp ocean chill and even during a storm the curtain could only wave mildly like it was pulled down by tons of weight.

im still not sure if the hotel is merely that or a brothel, cause it felt like everyone in there was extra horny like they're doing some shady shit and lacing the air with strong pheromones through the vents. i would always see people walking around naked but no one dropped down and started fucking each other, it wasnt even awknowledged. most of the people there were too busy either being amazed or confused--of what idk. there was a lot of snooping around for the rest of the dream, id remember trying to climb to the other rooms through their curtains since there werent doors leading to the next rooms on the side. idk why i did, but i think i was just curious. i always thought curtains' only purpose was to reveal something special , or hide something thats not meant for me and i want to find out and see all the same. the other people in the hotel had the same thought so i was also trying to fend them off and try to hide the secrets of the rooms i was in. the rooms become yours once youve figured it's contents out and the other people inside who are too weak or scared to explore and defend themselves become part of your responsibility. and then the rooms you choose to leave behind will end up vulnerable unless you put the people in there under intense boot camp and discipline--or maybe its just an empty shell and the people who will come to find it are too late.

i think somewhere out there, the people who owns the hotel are benefiting from all of this. they feed off the human emotions and they are using us like lab rats to learn more about the raw human psyche. i forgot most of what i did but i remember being too attached to some of the people i met and somehow that was bad. like it was a survival game of some sort and i kept losing points.

///

i remember on the way back home i had all these layers of back backs and this big ring. i stopped by on a jewelry store and tried to figure out what its worth since i dont remember how i got it. i had a strong feeling it had something to do with the hotel owners. and something bad like they needed a carrier to take the target on their backs. the guy looked at the ring and wouldnt look me in the eye and took it for inspection and never gave it back. i think i said wtf and asked for it but instead he gave me a thin pretty wedding ring that had these colorful jewels but it would shine white in angles. and then he said something about how thats how much its worth and told me to go fuck off and never come back

#dream log

[travelinghermit]

Welcome to Medellin

Im sitting here in some new agey coffee shop, electronic music blaring behind me, drinking two grande cappuccino’s enjoying the best wifi I have ever used in Colombia. Ive just uploaded a back catalogue of photos spanning from Cartagena and usually it takes me an hour and a half to upload 15 photos but I just did it in record speed. I like Medellin already.

Its strange coming from the simple quiet Bahia Solano to this busteling city of Medellin. Filled with futuristic hipster coffee shops, bars to watch the UFC, and everything else you could ask for in between. Yet Medellin has made quite an impression on me in the one day ive spent on her streets. Everyone I have met along the way in Colombia hasnt had one bad thing to say about this city and I understand why now. Its a young up and coming city that will soon match the pedigree of Vancouver and Sydney I am not kidding. First thing I noticed was the integration of nature in El Pablito the main touristy area of the city. Trees, gardens, and streams are sprawled everywhere as old brick layered shops and restaurants make up the backdrop of the city. This part of the city screams gor young up and coming businesses with new ideas to come in and take over. I met a expat living here in Bahia Solano and he told me the city is ripe for all that new agey crap we have at home like organic foods, yoga, micro brewery beers, etc to come in and make a killing. If I had the money this is the city to start a business in.

I flew into Medellin airport yesterday at around 2pm. The ticket I purchased said take off at 10am but I didnt enter the plane until 12:40pm. Thats what Colombia time will do to ya. As soon as I got to Medellin airport I indulged on three dunkin donuts and a chili dog. Hey when you eat nothing but fish, rice, and beans for five days this kind of thing is necessary. I then got in a taxi and my first view of Medellin was some white guy getting cuffed by police right outside the airport. One can only guess what it was for being that im in the birthplace of Pablo Escobar king of cocaine. It might just be my perception but I cant help but feel his shadow still loom over the city as I wonder how much of this city is what it is today if it wasnt for that man and the money he brought in. And of course there are guys on every single street corner asking if you want cocaine like im surprised.

I found a random hostel on google and gave the taxi the address but right before I arrived the cab stopped for traffic, and as I look left I see Kal an American sitting on a couch outside a hostel who I met two or three weeks ago in Minca. I immediatley told the cab to stop and got out the taxi. It was good seeing him again and we ended up getting drinks and dinner at an Irish pub and watched the UFC fights till 1am and today I purchased a ticket to the Medellin soccer match tonight from him as he had an extra ticket which is exactly what I hoped to do in this city. Im cutting it close as as soon as the game is over I have to race to Envilgado the city next to Medellin, find a hostel because I officially start Spanish classes at 9am Monday morning. The soccer match will be my last bit of fun before I buckle down and take on the Spanish language. Kal and I were talking yesterday he is also taking Spanish courses but at a different school in Medellin. We were talking how today is probably the best and easiest time to learn a language and so theres no excuse not to know a second language in todays world. Which I completely agree so im going to try my best but memories of sitting in French class in highschool haunt me and how much I loathed those classes. I feel this will be completely different as there was no incentive to learn French in those days but learning even a bit of Spanish here vastly changes your experience of Colombia or any Spanish speaking country. So im remaining positive.

Things are good today in my world.