#continues to change me every day

[stardstgf]

strange desire by bleachers is the album of all time. true

#bleachers #it changed me as a person #continues to change me every day #wild heart ? religious experience. i wanna get better? life altering. #WHO I WANT YOU TO LOVE #like a RIVER RUNS #RECKLESS LOVE #WAKE ME????????????? IF YOURE LONELYWAKEME #anyway #let us not forget #I’m ready to move on #the wild heart reprise #like #they just have a song for every single emotion in my brain.

[appallinnballin]

PERSEVERANCE

#aka how i cope after getting the slightest(SLIGHTEST) ui and flow change in the art program i use #i’m dramatic every time there is an update that makes me have to relearn muscle memory.. i get whiny about it for a day and most likely i’ll #frolic in the daisies tomorrow like it wasn’t even a problem 🥹 but doing something like this is a better starting point before i continue on #projects that i do want to do my best on !!! good night #kintsugi tabi btw. beauty in the broken #my art #tabi #vs tabi

[introspectivememories]

if you're writing a charles fic, it must have some aspect of boyking. he must lean a little on the childgod side. he has to be revered a little bit, adored even. if people aren't talking about him like they wouldn't wash his feet and adorn it with perfume like mary magdalene washed and adorned jesus' feet, you're doing it wrong.

#LOOK AT HIM #nearly every image of charles has some aspect of religious imagery to it #that one image of the spanish gp 2021 where he has his hands in front of him and he's looking up at the sky.... madonna in prayer #fuckin look at the entire country of italy. do i even have to say anything? #look at the way ferrari loves him. the way they hold him. press kisses onto his helmet. comfort him. reassure him. #look at vanzini naming him 'il predestinato' all the way back in 2012!! maranello's sun/son!!!! #everyone's always like 'oh stockholm syndrome! stockholm syndrome!' babe he's never leaving them. #he's choosing this!!! he loves this!!!! he's in this scuderia ferrari shit for life like the rest of us!!!! #but he returns it all!!! #look at him saying 'if ferrari is a cage then i would like to be kept in that cage my whole life'!!! #'why stay with ferrari?' / "i have always been a tifosi. i have always loved her. that is reason enough.' #even the most recent contract renewal where he said and i quote: #now my own dream remains. a dream that writes itself in red. tifosi the dream continues. #and like red?? like blood? like the blood that dripped down jesus' temples when they place the crown of thorns on his head? #red like the suit? like the car? like the boyking they have made you out to be? the childgod you have become? #when he won in monza i think it was too late for us. i think it rewrote something in us. i think he ascended that day. #the closest the narrative has come to consuming him. when he wins again in monza (and he will win in monza again) it will change us again #i have to stop before it gets me too. who said all that? i need to go lay down. #charles leclerc #cl16 #scuderia ferrari #f1 #introspective.txt #and obviously you can write you fics however the hell you want. this is just how i like mine.

[organchordsandlightning]

normal day at work: ok! I have got tasks to do. Mayhaps I will make a solution, mayhaps fix a machine. Look at these problems to solve

me during Tube Spike day: i am the loneliest wanderer. i am discarded in the dust. it is just me and my tube injection hypodermic. I am fundamentally not meant for civilization and as soon as my shift ends I'm moving far away and never uttering a single word ever again

#for reference tube spike day is when i take 50 tubes and inject 5 uL soln and let it absorb through for 5 minutes #it will typically require me to be in the back of the laboratory #difficult to do anything else because if you dont change those tubes every 5 minutes your 250 minute task just got a little longer baby #(its also extremely easy to accidentally skip lunch because again. 5 min. continually “just one more tube”) #(which is why theres a large mood downturn around oh. noon or so) #(i will not learn from this)

[barkbrained]

You have to think things will get better, otherwise what is the point!!! You have to hold out hope that things will get better and then maybe one day things will feel safe and be cool and everything will be fine (at least as fine as it can be)

#misc #rbs okay #I’m just so tired of the state of the world and I’m so tired of feeling unsafe every day #so tired of being tired. I have to hope my body will heal and I will feel better but it’s so hard #change has to come at some point and I have to hope I can make it to that point #I’m having a terrible time coping with the pain and fatigue and mental strain covid has left me with #I want to feel okay again so badly #all I want in the world is to make art and experience art and music and movies and live a little life with my partner in some place nice #I’m scared I’ll never feel okay enough to have that and I’m scared the world won’t ever feel safe enough again to have that #I just keep telling myself something has to change and trying to believe it so hard #if I make it through this pandemic with any semblance of health and stability I will be happy #I don’t even want to think about how much trauma the pandemic has given me and will continue to give me #I grieve everyday for the world that could’ve been and the person I will never get the chance to be because of this pandemic #my health anxiety has skyrocketed in the past four years and just keeps getting worse #I can’t hear people coughing or sneezing or sniffling without panicking for a few seconds every time #I already had emetophobia before 2020 but now I have the same panicked feeling from anyone exhibiting any signs of illness #it’s exhausting T-T everything is exhausting #sorry for vent-ish post on main ik it’s not very professional but whatever this is my blog #covid tw

[taeyungie]

hi ♡ i guess i'm back? 🥹

here's a little life update! i think you guys deserve it after my absence that lasted longer than even i expected it to last ;( i am very sorry about that. i miss everyone here and bangtan so much, you have no idea. the reason for all that is that for the past months i have been going through a lot of things and changes in my life. there were good and bad things happening, time flies extra fast, days melt into one and i didn't even notice the past half a year pass. although i think my absence was unavoidable in these circumstances i just thought that you guys deserve to know what's been up with me for the past months haha i have received a lot messages and reminders that people remember about me and that they miss me and i just want to send all of you my biggest apologies for leaving you for so long with no response, as well as all my love and gratitude! 🥺 i think i've been always fairly transparent on here so if anyone wanted to know more I'll leave some more details in the tags but basically I just hope that soon i will be able to become more active again and respond to messages ❤️❤️❤️ i hope everyone is doing great 🥰

#honestly... it was yoongi's comeback that made it happen. that made me have motivation to come back. i didnt expect it but here we are LOL #because for the past months i have been struggling a lot and i almost lost all the connections with my friends family and bangtan #i lost all my feelings and thoughts #i didnt miss anyone i didnt want to do anything i didnt want to be anywhere. i was completely submerged into my own head #i still am. it didnt exactly get better but.. its just yoongis impact jasbhdjdjd he made me remeber a lot #in october last year i developed a very agressive eating disorder and its gotten a lot worse at the begging of this year #and it has taken everything from me. it sucked me dry and still continues to do so. it made my mental health so much worse on every level #but im still here and thats what matters in the end right ❤️ #from the good things - after long unfortunate and very stressful job hunting i finally got a stable job 🥰 and i continue my uni so far #that's why i was absent here most of the time. i decided to focus on my life and on trying to change something and to fight a little more #after jin's enlistment announcement... it was a wake up call for me #and maybe soon i will be back on track but im taking things slow. especially that its not easy for me at all #but i just wanted you to know that theres been a lot happening here so ❤️ im not just getting bored of tumblr and bts haha #i never stopped following the fandom i never turned off my notifications from media i never stopped looking up what they're up to each day #i just didnt have time and motivation to be active. because of my health i wanted to be quiet and away from eveyone and everything :/ #even from my comfort people and activities #that sounds sad but. it's alright so please don't worry about me ❤️ I'm holding on just fine. got used to some things ❤️ trying to heal #so yeah i think thats that haha i think its enough and all basically #it may seem like very little but my life has always been very slow when it comes to big actions haha #anyway. love you all so much ❤️ thank you for not forgetting about me ❤️ #soon i will try to answer some mesdages from my inbox. please wait for me just a little bit more ❤️ im very overworked right now #but im so sorry that you have to wait so long ❤️

[persimnon]

mayday, mayday!

#in no way do I think tumblr is going down anytime soon #but i’ve realized I’ve always had an naive sort of idea that tumblr would be a constant in my life and forever evolve as I grow #it is just that intertwined with the way i use the internet. i have been here nearly every day since a month after i turned twelve #like i hope this isn’t pathetic to admit but this place was and is a cornerstone of my adolescence #tumblr is my word of mouth. it is my fandom home base. it is my diary sometimes #and it’s not that I can’t learn to use another platform. it’s that the continuity is important to me #my blog is a stream of every love and passion and obsession of my entire teenage hood and as of now the beginning of my adulthood #the thought of having to move somewhere new and break off from this massive and fundamental chunk of my life is hugely upsetting #not to mention my mutuals! and everyone I follow! it’s impossible to round everyone up again if. god forbid. we all have to leave here #and of course blah blah blah everything in life is temporary learn to accept change yada yada #but it’s been part of me long enough where i have a hard time picturing how i could even go about leaving this behind #anyway. nothing bad is happening yet. I’ll stay here until it breaks entirely #blither blather bother

[minglana]

oh so now im "hitlerian" for answering 'no' to a question that i knew the answer was no. sorry for knowing the rules i guess. it comes with the living here for 5 years

#jesus christ whyyyyyyyy are they like this #this was enough to send me over the edge and make me cry. seeing my friends this afternoon was a distraction but not enough #its that time of the yr where i get extremely lonely and i feel like i make no lasting connections in the dorms #and if there are rules in place why are people (THE DORM WORKERS) so eager to skip them or change them!!! the rules were there for a reason #youre gonna make me go crazy one of these days. its going to shit i swear. every yr i try to adapt and i fail completely #no but the worst part abt the situation is that basically she just approaches it w a 'thats a problem for tomorrow' attitude #and not in a good way. she said it was just two of them and i said that yes today its two but tomorrow it would be ten #and she just answered 'well thats not a problem now' BUT IT WILL BE IF YOU CONTINUE LIKE THIS MY GODDDDDD #god god god i hate it here right now i just need to get out of here i need like. an entire sabbatical yr #scratch that i need to not come here again. its crazy that when there were more rules was when i felt more calm abt being here #and now that this feels like campi qui pugui and youre basically allowed to do just abt anything at all. it feels worse #i like rules please keep them in place!!!!!! AND STOP CHANGING THEM #z xarre

[satisfaxtion]

if you kill yourself now you won't ever see the sunrise again, and you won't ever be able to walk on the beach or through the forest, and you won't ever be able to spend hours staying up at night laughing with your friends, and you won't see the leaves change color and fall in autumn, and you won't jump into a pile of them, and you won't drink hot cocoa or tea in the middle of winter when it's freezing cold, and you won't see the flowers bloom again next spring

#tw suicide #somebody left this in my inbox years ago and i’ve kept it deliberately in my inbox since #and every so often when I get sad i think about this stranger that reminded me about the leaves changing colors #and hot cocoa in winter #and my toes in the sand on the beach #and the quiet hum of the trees and the birds as you walk through the forest #idk who this person was and is but i hope you’re doing okay and i want you to know that i am too #i still wanna die sometimes #but i think of the trees and the leaves changing colors and hot cocoa in the winter and i choose to live for spring when the flowers bloom #and then i do it all over again #and i want you to know that i did all of these things this year with people i really love and care about #we hiked through the smoky mountains and i had sex on the beach #so when i’m sad i distinctly remember the smell of the trees and the salt in the air and i remember this stranger typing four paragraphs #in my inbox that night so thank you stranger you probably saved me and continue to do so until this day #i am forever thankful for that ask that night i don’t know who you are but i love you and i hope you’re doing okay #suicide #depression #sad #sadness #suicide awareness #it will be okay #self harm #ptsd #jay says stuff #grief #so sad #academia #poem #poetry #writing

[dinosaurcharcuterie]

I just realized I don't want gender neutral bathrooms and changing rooms just for gender reasons. I don't even want them just for practicality reasons, or just for economic reasons.

I want gender neutral hygiene spaces because, in my experience*, women who are bursting to get out of a sports bra and/or pee are wont to say unkind things and excuse it as "between us girls", and men do not wash properly if they think the bro code protects them.

#gender equality #equal rights #diversity #trans rights are human rights #chronic pain #chronic illness #*a shocking number of venues think having one bathroom per gender operational in an entire massive building is good enough #even if all the elevators are broken #this includes my own employer #and the one before that #on the upside #I've checked in five european countries #very very few people continue making a fuss about you being in the wrong bathroom if you say “I need to PEEEEEE” and keep walking #we're all human #we all get the urgency of the moment #including that one bathroom attendant in Amsterdam Main Station #thank you for not making me pee myself in public sir #yes I noticed the men's stalls were also all occupied #I've learned to work around such things on days my mobility is limited but thank you for your concern #that being said #transphobes have a lot of stuff they're weird about #them insisting we should strive to limit our options to piss-scented cave or grotto walls literally smeared with blood is just extra yikes #I don't care what silly fairy tales the cishets have dreamt up about you #you are in public and what you're doing is nasty #wipe your ass #think before you speak #meanwhile every unisex bathroom I've ever been to has been a haven of cleanliness and peace #every unisex changing room has been an oasis of pleasant conversation with a 70% reduction in noxious deodorant clouds #gender was invented by big bathroom to sell more bathrooms #and it made bathrooms worse for everyone

[ban-joey]

sending laser beams to my professor with my mind. kenneth you said midterm grades would b up by this afternoon. it is officially TONIGHT and guess what? kenneth i would love to not be clenching my teeth in my sleep tonight. kenneth i will be sending you a bill in the mail. yes i know its probably a TAs responsibility but i blame you personally. i hate school

#i dont im having a lot of fun (genuinely) but it is often pretty stressful #did find out there are a few folks adjacent to my program doing zoonoses & climate change research so im very excited to chat w them next w #possibly directing my thesis towards one health. social epi gradually becoming less interesting #plus i think my strengths do lie in applying epi to biological concepts so. one health works there #my brain continually trying to get back to lyme disease :( sometimes i really do miss the east coast tbh! #not lying actually i think the number one thing i miss is the amt of vector borne disease research LMFAO #i do unfortunately kind of have a crush on a classmate so that's fine but whatever. grad school. men are nice to me and i lose my mind ig #need to go make out w a hot trans person i think that would solve my problems rn #but also it's nice to be so excited about someone deciding to sit next to me in every class :) #like wow how isolated have i been the last 3 years to be so delighted by like. active signs i have Officially Made Friends. #even if he does live like a block away from my dad and jokes every goddamn day like 'so i saw your dad yesterday' no you DIDNT shut UP #idk yesterday he sat right next to me in a class he usually sits w other people in and it sort of sent my brain off the edge and now im jus #yeah. sitting with this one. it's fine like it's normal. but wowie i do think it's my first time having a Big Ol Crush since (redacted) #a little scary for my animal brain i think but it's okay! #im 25 in like 3 ish weeks and i still get embarrassed about this stuff somehow? stupid. #he's just really nice and always really fun to talk to! i think i had to officially Sit With Myself today bc epi is doing a holiday party #and there's a baking contest and we were talking abt it in class and i was indecisive abt whether i want to participate #and he like fully cut me off and was like oh you should bake something so i can have some :) #and. well fuck now i have to lmao. IM SO EASY IT'S SO EMBARRASSING #good evening everyone. guess this is my journal now. anyway ken rice you owe me twenty dollars and i aim to COLLECT

[chronicsheepdrawing]

KOSA Bill. In three days, the bill will either pass or be disgarded. Please reblog and sign petitions. to help stop the bill by going to the stop kosa tag so we can not let the bill pass!

The definition of not safe for work content that would be censored under KOSA is vague and would of course target the LGBT community.

#not art #I'm so tired okay #A Tennessee Governor has allowed public officials to deny same sex marriages if it makes them uncomfortable #Alabama ruled that frozen embryos count as children #and would make it so women trying to get pregnant through IVF can only do so one egg at a time #Even if the egg is knowingly not viable #This process takes months and would be for nothing #Cops can open fire on you or run you over and joke about it with no consequences #As well as cop cities opening over the majority of states and being supported by Israel where they can better train our police in abuse #The industry I want to go into is experiencing massive layoffs and people simply aren't valued as it's all about shareholders and investors #And to top it all off the planet is still dying due to climate change caused by oil and gas companies and their CEOs #Both me and my mom are unemployed and we definitely couldn't afford the place we've been provided if it weren't for assistance #And I'm worried something will get screwed up and we'll just get evicted and this'll all be for nothing #I just don't see the point anymore #I only exist to provide shelter to my family as the apartment is in my name and to hopefully try and pay back those have donated to me #Besides that I just go through every day not seeing any upside to continuing to live but not committed to die

[vecnuthy]

Lord Huron Lonesome Dreams

October 9, 2012

Happy birthday to this absolute masterpiece

#lord huron #I'll never forget the day i heard ends of the earth on a jewelry commercial some 9 years ago #they weren't even on itunes yet so i forgot about the song and the band until i found ghost on the shore on here of all places a year later #i swear i felt the chemistry in my entire being change as i listened to it #I'm listening to it now for the billionth time and it still gets me #world ender #emerald star #long lost #strange trails #lord huron lonesome dreams #lonesome dreams #ten years old!!! #it lit a fire that continues to burn #and is in my every thought #couldn't resist lol