#everytime i smoke weed now im like oh right i dont like this at all lol whyd i do that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

desireesfics · 2 months

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bad habits.

pairing: dealer!ellie x reader.

summary: when you were a kid you had always put a pillow or a big stuffed animal between your legs, you honestly felt comfort by it. but tonight you decided it was going to be somebodies head.

warnings: uh widely ellie giving head?, use of drugs, girls kissing 🤯, swearing, a little bit of dacryphilia, pretty self-indulgent i know its weird im sorry — MINORS DNI !!

a/n: just because the strikes ended does not mean you shouldnt stop posting about palestine!

———————

you were helpless, depressed even. being locked up in your dorm for god knows how long. your friends had been nagging you about various parties on campus, you simply just left them on read, not wanting to deal with the aftermath of the party.

it wasnt until now that you had decided to go. not because you wanted to, you were going against your own will.

your friends, isabella, mattie and thea were forcing you out of your dorm because the state you were in right now was just honestly disgusting.

you were packing a bag to go over to isabellas house because they werent letting you stay in that dorm for a minute more, when thea said. “youve been stuck in here for forever, we havent seen you in awhile, we miss you girl.”

you sighed, reaching over to your closet to find an outfit appropriate for tonight. “look i know, things just havent been the best right now.” you didnt bother to look back because you know all thats going to be written on their faces will be pity.

“can you guys help me pick an outfit atleast?” they squeal, marching over to you before yanking you out of their ways.

mattie held up a dress, it was pink, delicate, something you would were on a picnic.

“dude, thats so basic.” isabella called out from the side, rolling her eyes at matties choice.

“i dont wear stuff like this— how would i fucking know?” she huffed.

“calm down guys, why dont we let ms depresso give us an idea of what she wants?” thea shouts over the teo annoyingly loud girls.

“i— depresso? seriously? not even funny.” you roll your eyes before pulling up pinterest on your phone, you always managed to find decent outfits off of the app.

you typed in ‘party outfits aesthetic.’ before you landed on something similar you had in your closet.

the outfit had a mini, mini, mini, mini black skirt paired with a black lettuce-cut, corset bralette looking thingy and just below that, knee-high boots. you admit it, you looked hot as fuck.

“damn girl, if i were gay id definitely hit you up.” way to go isabella, way to go.

“oh please youre totally into girls, youre acting like you dont eye that dina girl everytime we walk around her area on campus.” mattie adds.

isabella did everything in her will power to ignore the comment, but she couldnt help but blush.

the look of approval shot around the room was hilarious and you all burst out into laughter. you really havent felt this good in awhile.

quickly memorising the girl mattie had mentioned before, you could remember she would always be hanging around with someone else.

“hey, any of you know the girl dina hangs with? i cant think of her name.” you think hard, like really hard, you knew the girl was attractive from all the times you had seen her since isabella coincidentally hung there too.

“yeah, her names ellie, i buy from her sometimes. why, you got the hots for her?” thea teases.

“just shut up and give me her insta.” you roll your eyes, playfully shoving the girl as the two others made ‘oooooh’ sounds.

“fine, just give me a second.” thea whips out her phone and starts going through her following. she clicks on a profile and holds the phone up to you so you could get a good look.

her account was private, by the looks of it she had a batman smoking weed profile picture? interesting.. her user was ‘@ellieisawesome327.’

sounds like a name some 5 year old would put on secretly. “oh, interesting.” you couldnt help but giggle, she obviously wasnt the best at using this stuff.”

you pulled out your phone and searched for her user, you didnt follow it just yet, you thought it would be creepy since she didnt know you at all. you simply just kept the name in the search bar, ready for when you actually want to follow her.

———————

a few hours had passed and you all had gotten done up, makeup, hair, outfits, everything you would do before a party.

“whos car we taken’?” mattie asked. you and the others looked at her like she was some idiot.

“theres only one car in the driveway, take a guess numbskull?” thea pointed out, mattie pouted.

“rude.” she huffed. turning around to scroll on tiktok.

you were sitting on the bed, getting comfy since the party wasnt for another hour, when you spotted one of isabellas pillow. you had put it between your legs, you found some comfort in doing that ever since you were a kid, it was a weird and bad habit.

“whatre ya’ doin silly?” isabella pointed out, she sort of new you had this weird habit of putting things between your legs.

“getting comfy, what does it look like?” you roll your eyes, scrolling through your instagram feed.

“if you actually want something between your legs, try and get head tonight.” isabella added. it was a harmless joke, your group had always joked like this. you toned out the muffled giggles in the back thinking if you should actually get laid tonight.

it had been awhile since you had had sex, and it was getting annoying hearing everyones ‘wild’ stories.

you tool the pillow out from between your legs and threw it back into its position it was in before.

“you guys think we should get going? the parties in twenty minutes.” thea said. you all nodded and got up from your positions to march off to the car.

the drive was ten minutes, you put on your group playlist, it was made for roadtrips you guys took every once and awhile. but tonight you just needed to hear something other then their voices.

you were all vibing to the music when it eventually came to a stop. you sighed and got out of the car, shivering as the cold wind hit your very exposed body.

everyone walked in, it wasnt exactly packed, but you hesitated and mattie noticed that.

mattie was the average femme grouped masc. the one to carry around the shopping bags when you went shopping kind of girl. she was sweet, there were times where you had found yourself harmlessly crushing over her. she knew you had a bit of anxiety and offered you some of her meds before leaving but you kindly declined.

now obviously regretting your decision, she gripped onto your hand and squeezed it tight, for reassurance. you smiled and walked in with the others.

———————

it had been 2 hours and the group had split, isa probably off eating dinas face off, mattie chatting with some of the guys from a basketball team she had played against when faking being a guy as a dare, and thea off buying or even selling drugs. you were sat on a dusty old couch, not exactly wasted but definitely not sober.

you hadnt noticed you were sitting next to the girl whos instagram you were stalking earlier. but the realisation hit when you smelt weed from her direction.

she was very obviously eye fucking you, she wasnt even shy about it, it couldve been the weed that was in her system or she was wildly bold.

“hey?” you started off your soon long to be conversation.

“hi.” she was caught off guard when she realised you were talking to her.

“ellie right?” she nodded and you exchanged your name to her, along with numbers. you sat back further into the couch, parting your legs a little giving her a slight view of what was under you skirt. you enjoyed the fact that she was looking. a little smirk appeared on your face and she didnt notice it.

“my friend thea buys from you right?” she snapped her head up to look into your eyes. you noticed the green in her eyes under the blue hue of the lights in the room. she nodded,

“yeah why? wanna buy from me?” you shook your head.

“kinda tight on money right now, i would though.” you sighed, resting your head on your hand.

she thought for a minute. “ill share a blunt with you, only coz’ youre cute.” she winked and you blushed.

“oh, thanks..” you stare off awkwardly waiting for her to light it, she was wondering if she made you uncomfortable.

“s—sorry, didnt mean to make you uncomfortable.” you shook your head a smiled before she handed you the joint.

you took a puff and handed it back to her, waiting a bit before exhaling. you noticed she was manspreading. then you noticed she didnt quite look like any other girls that were at the party, very masculine. is she lesbian? no surely not, maybe she just likes being comfortable.

ellie was wearing a worn-out jacket, joels. she wore it everywhere she went.

she caught you staring at the position she was in, fighting the urge to spread them further. you noticed she was holding back from something and looked up at her, oh shit she caught you.

a shit eating grin was plastered on her face. “you ‘kay?” she asked, the same smug expression written all over her face.

you nodded and took the blunt out of her hand. you were blushing under the dim lights in the corner, the rest of the place was filled with colourful lights changing every second.

she started blushing too, she didnt know why. you looked up to her with parted lips. the high kind of kicking in now.

“can i.. kiss you?” you asked softly. you regretted that so hard, fuck fuck fuck she probably doesnt like girls..

she moved closer, draping a hand over your shoulder. “thought youd never ask.” she smirked before smashing her lips onto yours.

the kiss was hungry, like she was desperate for something, you couldnt quite place your tongue on it. the only thing placed on your tongue right now was hers. you kissed her back with just as much passion.

the moans you let out were absolutely pornographic. ellie knew she had to do something about this, stopping the kiss whilst you let out a whine from the lack of attention.

you were borderline wet, like waterpark wet, and it wasnt helping that you were wearing a flimsy skirt that had rode up in the process.

“cmon’ princess.” she took your hand, you felt a bit clumsy for some reason, dizzy, your head was foggy, only thinking about how good she tasted.

you followed her around as she knocked on various locked rooms. finally breaking one open, she slammed it shut, locking it and pressing you up against it. not to hard though, wouldnt wanna hurt your pretty little head.

“fuck, youre so goddamn hot.” she mumbled between kisses. you couldnt help but moan at how turned on she made you feel.

she pushed her knee up between your thighs and you shivered, grinding down onto it. chasing the very needed friction.

you wondered how such an innocent question like ‘can i kiss you?’ turned into you riding on her knee.

“els’, please..” that shit eating grin reappeared on her face and you just wanted to smack it right off, you rolled your eyes. your words and wetness only boosted her ego more.

“please what baby?” she teased. why was she teasing you? you couldnt take it. tears started bubbling in your eyes.

“please just— fuck me.” you mumble out. she liked the sight of you crying, so desperate for her. she was going to tease you more before you actually got what you wanted.

“what was that?” she smirked.

you looked up at her through teary eyes. “can you, uh— go down on me? please?” you were begging, that was a sight.

she pulled you over to the bed, through the dimly light room. “strip.”

you did as she said, it wasnt hard to take off your clothes since there was barely anything on you. first your top, leaving you in a skimpy black lacy bra to match your underwear. then came the boots and skirt.

finally, leaving you in a two piece set. she was waiting patiently for you to take them off. you dont know why you were so hesitant, maybe it was because you hadnt done this in awhile, or maybe it was because her stare was so intense it made your stomach do flips, distracting you from the easy task.

she walked over to help you since you couldnt finish what you had started. “d’ you want this?” you nodded painfully slow.

she peeled off your underwear, holding them up to get a good look before back down to your now bare cunt. it was dripping at the sight of her.

“s’ wet for me princess.” she smirked once more, if she smirked anymore her face would probably get stuck like that.

then came the bra, she asked you to turn around so she could unclip it, she was slightly struggling since she wasnt used to these fancy bras, only because she wears a sports bra.

you giggled and reached your arms behind you to take it off, turning around to leave her ogling at the sight of you.

“youre so beautiful.” you blushed, hard. she looked up at you for some sort of reassurance and you nodded.

a minute ago she was so dominant and now shes sweeter than a cookie. you adored that.

she reached her hands out to cup your tits, so soft, she thought. squeezing them and pinching your now hardened, pebbled nipples.

she elicited a moan out of you. you sat back on the bed for comfort and she dived into them. sucking harshly on your tits.

you couldnt tell if you hated it or loved it, your monas were telling her otherwise.

she left purple marks all over your neck, tits, stomach, anywhere she could mark really. you were huffing, all you needed her to do was touch you down there.

“patience baby.” she replied to your subtle huffs. you rolled your eyes, pleading with your body language as you rolled your hips into nothing.

her head moved down slowly, taking time with your body as if you werent some one night stand. did she actually like you?

she kissed all over your stomach and you felt giddy, you were giggling at how it tickled.

the she dipped her head low, taking in how soaked you were. the whole time you had been rubbing your thighs together. any subtle touch made you go crazy.

she fully dived in, and you moaned her name out, loud enough to here over the booming music. “e-els!” she teased your clit with her tongue, licking a stripe down, giving your clit kitten kisses.

her tongue reached places your fingers couldn’t surprisingly. you couldnt stop panting. it felt like heaven.

your vision was going blurry, white, if the coil in your belly bubbled anymore it was going to snap. “ellie.. i—im gonna!..” she moaned into your pussy, sending hypnotising vibrations into it.

“i know baby, come for me.” those words was the thing that snapped the bubbling coil.

you felt hot slick pool out of you, she lapped up all she could, almost overstimulating you. you were panting.

she got up and laid beside you, toying with your plush tits. you could almost fall asleep right then and there.

“alright,” she patted your thigh. “i gotta get going, heres my number though.” she pulled out a random piece of paper from her pocket and a pen. had she been preparing for this? you thought. she handed you the note like a little kindergartener and put her shirt back on.

you had the sudden urge to shove a pillow between your legs, whining from the loss. you fought back everything in you to shove the pillow that was staring at you between your legs. you watched ellie leave,

she left you on the bed looking back at you to smile before closing the door behind you. you eventually got up and put your clothes on, walking over to the bathroom that was in the small room to fix up your hair and makeup.

you realised your hand was still clutching that little piece of paper. you looked at it and read it slowly, still regaining composure.

‘**** **** **** **** message me ;) x’

you probably werent going to message her, but just incase, you slipped the note into your purse and walked out of the room going to look for you friends to take them home, luckily ellie had sobered you up.

———————

a/n: im sorry the ending actually sucks i was getting sick of this and i needed to get it out of my drafts. should i turn it into a series were reader actually messages ellie? idk.

#lesbian #ellie williams #ellie x reader #lgbtqia #i need ellie bro #wlw #bad habits #ellie williams tlou #ellie tlou #ellie is so hot #ellie x fem reader #ellie smut

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igottoomuchwriting · 5 years

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Sincerely, Me (Chapter 2)

Series: Part 1/Previous Chapter/Next Chapter

To Single Scoop: i stg if this mom doesnt chill tf out i will find where she lives and fight her

Connor has no idea how to text people unless he is asking for weed. It took him a while to actually show that he wants to have a conversation over text while he was texting Evan. There was a lot of back and forth between the two over the past month where Evan would ask if he was annoying Connor or telling Connor that he didn’t have to talk to him if he didn’t want to.

Then he figured out that Evan liked when Connor randomly ranted to him, so that’s what he was doing now. He was watching Say Yes to the Dress and texting Evan, who was the only person in his life who knew that he liked TLC shows, specifically Say Yes to the Dress.

To Single Scoop: SHES CRYING NOW AND THE MOM STILL WONT BUDGE

To Single Scoop: thats it

To Single Scoop: im flying to georiga. Ill see you later evan

From Single Scoop: I know you have that ability so please dont

To Single Scoop: like my parents would let me

From Single Scoop: Find something nice in Georgia that your mom would love to see. I’m sure that will get her going

To Single Scoop: well which is it hansen

To Single Scoop: should i go punch this lady in the face or no

From Single Scoop: Definite no

It is nice that Connor has someone to talk to when these shows get really stupid and make him want to fight the people. Usually he would say it to himself and just have conversations with himself, but then he eventually stopped because who the hell has conversations with themselves? Sad loners like Connor, that’s who.

Connor watched as the bride stared at herself in the mirror, teary-eyed and listening to her mother try and stop her daughter from buying the dress.

“Listen to your heart,” Randy said. “Do you picture yourself walking down the aisle in this?”

“Yes,” the bride whispered. Connor anxiously watched it all go down. The mother was trying one last argument to get her daughter to not put on the dress.

“Are you saying yes to this dress?” “Yes!” Connor cheered along with the bride and consultants, and flipped off the TV has the mother said that she was upset.

To Single Scoop: oh good the bride won

From Single Scoop: With Randy on her side, how could she not

Connor laughed. Evan knew the show enough that Randy was the end-all for brides. No one could win in an argument with him.

To Single Scoop: true

Connor heard keys turning in the front door. He cursed under his breath.

To Single Scoop: shit

To Single Scoop: my mom is home

To Single Scoop: i have to go to my bed and pretend to get some sleep

To Single Scoop: night

Connor turned off the TV and put the Amazon fire stick back where it’s supposed to be before running upstairs before his mother entered the living room and saw that he wasn’t awake.

Usually he wouldn’t care if she saw him up this late, but he doesn’t want to hear her complain that he isn’t getting any sleep and then get in another fight because he won’t tell her what's wrong. He’ll tell her when he knows that she will actually get him the help that he wants.

He quietly shut his door as he heard his parents talking downstairs. He was quick to get under the covers and plug his phone in, feigning that he has been asleep the whole time.

His mom came in to check on him like she does every night. Connor could tell she was standing at his door for a while, and just as she was going to leave, Connor’s phone went off.

Connor mentally cursed. Of course Evan had to text him back right now.

His mom

“Connor? Are you awake?” she asked. Connor wondered if he should keep pretending, but at this point, he didn’t care anymore.

“Yeah,” he grunted.

“Who texted you?”

“A friend.” For the first time, this was actually the truth.

“What friend has a name of ‘Single Scoop’?” She was looking at his phone? Connor snapped his head up to see her holding his phone, arms crossed.

“It’s a nickname.”

“What does it mean?”

“It’s just a nickname, mom, it doesn’t need a reasoning!”

“What’s going on?” he heard his dad call.

“Oh, great, let’s just bring the whole family in!” Connor snapped.

“Connor, we’re just wondering who you’re texting!”

Larry walked into Connor’s room, obviously tired and confused.

“It’s just a friend! His name is Evan! It’s a surprise that your fucked up son can actually make friends!”

“Connor!” Connor ignored her and threw his blanket over his head. He knew he wouldn’t be able to escape with Larry at the door, so he might as well just pretend they aren’t there.

“Just check his messages, Cynthia,” he heard Larry mumble. That caused Connor to sit back up in his bed in a fit of anger.

“You guys check my fucking messages?!”

“Connor, we only do it because we want to make sure you’re okay.”

“No!” he yelled. “There should be no fucking reason you check my fucking messages!”

“We just need to make sure you aren’t lying to us,” Larry deadpanned.

“That’s a breach of my fucking privacy!”

“You haven’t done anything to show us that we can trust you with privacy.”

“You know what,” Connor snapped. “Fine! Fucking take it!”

“Don’t raise your voice at us!” Larry snapped. Connor said nothing in response, just laid down and blocked them out. They both eventually left, leaving Connor alone with his thoughts.

---

Connor hadn’t calmed down from the night before. His parents had discussed if he should still be allowed to have his car, but after realizing that Zoe had band practice, he was still allowed to drive himself to school.

“Were you really talking to Evan?” Zoe asked when she saw him in the morning. Connor turned and raised an eyebrow.

“When?”

“Last night, when mom and dad went into your room.” Connor turned away. He grabbed the milk that his mom had left on the counter and poured himself a glass.

“Yeah.”

“Really?” He gave her a side glare.

“What, do you not believe me either?” Zoe shrugged. She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter.

“You never made friends before this, so it is hard to believe that someone could really want to talk to you.”

“Wow, tell me how you really feel,” he sarcastically mumbled.

“I’m just saying, from what I know about Evan, he’s way too nice to be talking to you.”

“And you’re way too nice to be related to me, but here we fucking are.” He downed the rest of the milk in his glass and slammed his cup down on the counter. “Now if you excuse me, I have to get to school so I can continue to be judged.”

On the drive to the school, all of Connor’s thoughts were of Evan and why he was friends. After Connor figured out that he liked men instead of women, Evan was one of the first classmates that he decided was attractive, but he never pursued anything. No one would talk to him, and everytime Evan saw him he had a look of terror. After getting to know the boy, he realised he gave everyone the same look.

Even now that they are friends, Connor is not letting himself get his hopes up. He knows that Evan has a crush on his sister, and most likely doesn’t like boys. Even if he did like boys, there was no way he would like Connor more than a friend. It’s a surprise that he even likes him as a friend, as many people like to constantly remind him.

By the time he pulled into the school parking lot, he had successfully put himself into an even worse mood than he was before. He would just sneak off to go smoke, but Evan would be worried if he didn’t show up, and he doesn’t have his phone to text him, so he just had to deal with the day.

Connor realized that was going to be harder than he thought when he stood at his locker. People were walking by him, not even watching to see if they would bump into him, and would even sometimes almost close his locker while he was doing something.

“Hey Connor,” he heard a voice mumble. Connor snapped his head to the side and shot a glare at the kid who decided to bother him.

Which happened to Evan.

“What?” he snapped out of instinct. He immediately regretted it. He saw Evan flinch and take a small step back, as if he was trying to get out of Connor’s range and hide.

“Well you seem like you’re in a bad mood so I wanted to come over and see if you’re okay but you barely know me so I don’t know why you would even want to talk to me about it. I’m sorry I should’ve have even come over, I’ll leave, I’m sorry.” He wasn’t even looking Connor in the eyes as he stuttered out that sentence. Of course that would freak him out. Connor sighed and it his head against the top of his locker, wishing that he could just knock himself out or restart the day.

“No, I didn’t mean to snap at you. You did nothing wrong.” That was the closest he could get to saying sorry. Once he learned that people never really cared if they made him feel bad, he quickly learned to stop caring if he made them feel bad. Though, by being around Evan and having a slight crush on the boy, he realized that was going to have to change if he wanted to keep him in his life.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me,” he heard Evan mumble. Connor spared a glance to the side.

Evan did care. He really, truly cared about why Connor was upset, and that wasn’t something Connor was used to. He knew that in order for them to get closer he would have to let his walls down a little bit, but he was afraid to. One of the few things he was actually afraid of. He’s going to have to get over that.

“My parents took my fucking phone last night because they didn’t believe that I was texting someone other than a fucking drug dealer,” he started out calmly. He didn’t want to look at Evan as he spoke, though he felt the anger coming back very quickly. “ I told them that no goddamn drug dealer would be answering fucking calls at that hour because they were trying to act like normal fucking people but they took my phone anyway!”

He slammed his locker shut and saw Evan jump out of the corner of his eye. He knew that there were kids who were giving him weird looks in the hallway, but he couldn’t find himself to care. He just lied to Evan about what he was talking to his parents about. Why? Who knows. Maybe it’s easier to be a druggie in this school than a kid who actually cares.

“They don’t believe a fucking thing I say and it pisses me off because I was actually telling the truth this time!”

It was silent between the two. Connor wasn’t upset about that. He knew that Evan most likely had no idea how to deal with the extreme emotions that Connor feels, as he can barely handle his own anxiety.

“I’m sorry. That’s–That, um, sucks.”

“Understatement of the fucking century,” Connor grumbled.

He heard the first bell ring, signaling that Connor had five minutes to get to his class. He just couldn’t deal with it today. With his parents, his sister, and his own thoughts, he knew he wouldn’t be able to focus in class anyway. Having an unexcused absence would be better than being sent down to the officer for not paying attention.

Connor turned towards the doors that were placed at the end of the hallway and started making his way to them.

“Wait, where are you going?” he heard Evan call after him.

“Anywhere but fucking here,” Connor called back before pushing open the double doors.

He stomped over to his truck, hands shoved in his pockets and his eyes downcast. He had no idea where he wanted to go, but he knew that he had to go somewhere private so he can smoke weed without getting caught.

---

Connor realized as soon as he got to the closed orchard that he always somehow ended up at that his parents cleaned out his car. Every bit of it.

Which means that they found his weed stash in the and most likely threw it away.

Connor drove to the one place that actually calms him down and brings him peace–the abandoned orchard.

When Connor was younger and not on drugs, his parents would always take him and Zoe here. They would have picnics, play games, go on hikes, and even camp one time. It was when his parents weren’t fighting with him or each other, and he and Zoe actually loved each other like siblings should. The year the orchard closed was also the year Connor’s depression seemed to peak. That was when he started getting into weed to be happy, fighting with his parents, and trying to do anything to either shorten or end his life.

Nothing has really gotten better, even after the counseling, the rehab, and all the drugs in the world, Connor was still struggling. He started coming back and sneaking into the orchard when it was getting hard again, and it always calmed him down. You would think going back to the place when his family was happy would make him sad, but it actually gave him the ability to forget everything about his life for a short while.

As he walked around, the took the time to look up into the trees, up to the sky that was shining bright. Connor was almost glad he wasn’t high so he could see this all through clear eyes.

A thought popped into his head. He remember Evan talking to him about his apprenticeship with the forest rangers, and how much he loved nature and trees. Has he ever been here?

Quickly looking at his phone, Connor cursed at the time. He started jogging back to his truck so he can pick Evan up from school in time.

---

Luckily Connor didn’t need to go inside to find Evan. Evan had started walking home and Connor had seen the back of his backpack before he turned into the school parking lot. He stepped of the gas and pulled up to the shoulder a little ahead of where Evan was walking. Evan didn’t look up from the ground and instead kept walking.

“Evan!” Connor called out of his passenger window. No response. Connor was tempted to try again, but he knew that the boy couldn’t hear him.

He honked the horn of his truck. Evan’s head snapped up and he looked directly at Connor.

Success.

Evan pulled out his headphones while giving Connor a confused look.

“Connor?” he asked.

“Get in, Hansen,” Connor called. Evan didn’t question or hesitate, just walked through the grass dividing the sidewalk from the street and hopped into Connor’s car. Connor wasn’t sure on whether he should be happy that Evan asked no questions or upset.

Connor pulled back into the street as soon as Evan closed the passenger door, excited to show his friend the orchard.

It was silent for the beginning of the ride. Connor realized that Evan might be worried that Connor is still mad. He’s not, but there was no way for Evan to be able to tell. He also snapped at Evan this morning and Evan may be waiting for an apology.

“I didn’t mean to flip out on you earlier,” he stated. Not quite an apology, but a month ago, Connor would have just moved on without a second glance at a person’ feelings.

“I know,” Evan mumbled. It was silent again after that.

“Have you ever been to the orchard?” Connor asked.

“What orchard?” Connor silently cheered victory in his head.

“So I’ll take that as a no.”

Connor explain what the orchard was to Evan so he wouldn’t be too freaked out that COnnor was bringing him to some abandoned place.

They eventually got onto the topic of bands and singers that they like. Connor was shocked when Evan said that he liked Taylor Swift before she started pop and did not miss an opportunity to make fun of him. Evan retaliated by stating that one of his favorite bands wasn’t popular and they continued to bicker back and forth.

Connor loved it. He never really got to playfully make fun of someone without the other person that he was actually being mean. There had been many times that Connor tried playfully making fun of Zoe, but she always got mad and it would escalate into a fight, so he stopped trying. It was nice to have a friend who knew he wasn’t being mean.

They pulled up to the orchard. Connor parked his car in the parking lot that was placed out front.

“Uh, what are we, uh, doing here?” Evan asked, a slight shake in his voice.

“We’re gonna walk around.”

“W-Wait, what?”

“Come on, Hansen,” Connor pushed. He exited the truck and walked towards the gate, heading towards the cut in the fence he made so that he can go back and forth without being caught.

“We can’t go in!” Connor heard Evan call. Connor rolled his eyes. No Trespassing signs only mean something when the government was actually taking care of it.

“Trust me, it’s fine.”

“What if someone finds us? What if they see your car and come searching and then we get in trouble? What if we get arrested? I can’t have my mom bail me out of jail, and your parents won’t--”

“Evan!” Connor snapped and turned around. “It’s fine. I come here all the time. I was just here earlier, and no one found me. No one even thinks about this place anymore.”

Connor watched Evan nod his head and avert his eyes down to the ground. Connor mentally cursed He couldn’t even get a grip on his anger long enough to show Evan a place that meant a lot to him.

Connor took a deep breath.

“Just… Come on. You can trust me.”

He started walking to the fence, occasionally checking back to make sure that Evan was still following him.

Connor pushed the piece of fence he cut open back and stepped to the side, motioning Evan to go through. Evan ducked his head and climbed through with Connor following right after.

Connor stood up and brushed the dirt off of his pants, and when he looked up, he wasn’t shocked to see Evan holding his cast and looking around in shock.

“This place got closed down after they opened up the park as a national park,” Connor answered his unasked question. “Apparently people feel like going to a national park would be more fun than an orchard, even though it’s the same fucking thing.”

Connor walked past Evan and into the trees. He knew he wanted to show Evan the field that he and his family always hung out at. The grass was close to being overgrown and at this time of day, the trees might be blocking the sun, but it was still Connor’s favorite place.

“So homecoming’s coming up,” Connor stated. “You going?”

“Well, uh, probably not?” Not a big shock.

“Even if a cute girl asked you out?” Connor laughed, though he cringed on the inside. His crush on his friend may mean nothing, but it still hurt just a bit to picture Evan with a girl.

“If someone asked me out, that’d be a shock in itself.” Connor chuckled.

“Fair enough.”

“What about you?” Evan continued. “You going?”

“No.” Connor shook his head. “No way.”

“Not even if a girl asks you?” Connor had to stop himself at that one.

“There’s no girl that could make me go to any dance.” He heard Evan hum.

“What if your crush asked you?” Connor stiffened up.

That was a thought. Connor could imagine Evan anxiously approaching him after school, playing with the bottom of his shirt, asking him to homecoming. Stuttering over the fact that Connor could say no and that he was sorry for ruining their friendship before Connor would pull him into a hug and say yes. He could imagine them going to the dance and ditching in the first thirty minutes, going to Á La Mode instead. He could imagine him taking Evan back home, walking him to his door to wish him good night. Connor could easily lean down—

“There is a girl you like, right?” Evan continued. Connor mentally pushed away that fantasy. He gave Evan a quick side glance and coughed, hoping to hide the blush that was probably making its way up on his face.

“Yeah. A girl…” He trailed off and left it there. Evan seemed to understand that Connor didn’t want to be pushed, so they fell back into silence.

Connor watched all the trees past, looking for the opening he needed. Once it came into view, Connor stopped in his tracks.

“We’re here.” He looked at Evan to see the boy giving him a confused look.

“Wait, where?”

“Look,” he motioned to the gap in the trees. Evan gave him a side glance before walking towards the area where Connor motioned. Connor let him get a head a bit before he started following.

He saw Evan standing a bit farther than he thought he would be, looking around in awe. He stared at the trees, hands grasping the little bit of grass that his hand could reach. Connor watched grass blow around him and sun illuminate his figure just enough where he wasn’t just a shadow.

“I assume you like it?” he called. Evan turned around, and oh god, his eyes were shining. It was the cutest thing he has ever seen.

Connor needed to get this crush under control.

“Connor, this—this is amazing! How did you find it?”

“I was just walking around one day and found it.” He didn’t want Evan to feel bad that this was the last place his family was truly happy, or feel like he was intruding on something he shouldn’t.

He watched as Evan turned back at take everything in again. Connor realized he had a smile on his face.

“You said you like to climb trees, right?” Connor asked. He walked over so he was standing next to Evan, though now that he was closer, he could almost feel Evan stiffen.

“Um, yeah,” he stuttered. Connor didn’t pay any attention to it.

“Come on. There’s a tree with really low branches.” Connor started walking towards the tree. It was easy for Connor to find it as it stuck out from the rest of the trees, obviously there for children or teens who would love to climb more.

“I—I don’t think I can climb right now,” he heard Evan call. Connor turned and gave him a confused look.

“Why not?” Evan held up his cast. Connor stared at the cast in questioning before it clicked. He has an unusable arm that would prevent him from climbing. “Fuck, that’s right. I’m a moron.”

“Sorry,” Evan mumbled.

“Why are you sorry?” There was absolutely no reason for Evan to be sorry. He wished that didn’t get on his nerves as much as it did.

“You wanted to climb the tree, and I can’t.” Connor sighed and shook his head.

“That’s not your fault, man.” Evan nodded his head and wouldn’t look Connor in the eyes. Connor pursed his lips. There was no reason for Evan to be upset and he wished there was a way he could show the boy that.

Suddenly Evan reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. Connor watched him as he looked at the screen and cursed.

Connor walked over and looked over Evan’s shoulder to see who it was.

“Kleinman? What does that fucker want?” Connor growled.

“I forgot I was supposed to hang out with him today.” Connor watched as he hit enter and took a few steps away, probably hoping for a private conversation.

“I’m sorry, I was walking home but Connor wanted to hang out—”

Connor didn’t want to listen. That alone was going to make Jared think that Connor had kidnapped Evan, or at least threatened him. He started picking at his nail polish, ignoring the side of the conversation he can hear.

He should really paint his nails again.

“I’m sorry Connor, can we—”

“Yeah, we can go back,” Connor snapped. He was hoping to have a bit more alone time with Evan, but of course, Jared fucking Kleinman had to come in a ruin that.

“Sorry, this was fun, but—”

“I know.” Connor turned and forced a smile on his face, hoping that Evan understood that he wasn’t mad at him. “You and Jared had plans. Nothing wrong with that.”

Connor started walking away, not waiting to see if Evan was following him.

“Thank you for taking me here,” Evan said as soon as they got into Connor’s truck.

“Yeah. We can come back.” Connor turned to look at Evan and saw that he was looking at his lap, a smile on his face. Connor quickly turned back to the road, heart fluttering as he hears many classmates say.

Evan was actually happy to hang out with Connor, and Connor made him smile.

Getting a hold on this crush may be harder than he thought.

#dear evan hansen #connor murphy #evan hansen #connor x evan #connor murphy x evan hansen #tree bros #fanfic #fanfiction #sunwriting #part 3 #chapter 2

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1112lw · 5 years

Note

Every question!!

SDFFSDFG DAM OK SIS

LONG POST AHEAD IF U LITERALLY WANNA KNOW ME PERSONALLY JUST READ THIS LMFAO

1: Name: Arche/Jupiter, my close friends know my real name so!

2: Age: High school has just been done so try to guess

3: Fears: Heights, oral presentations, the dark

4: 3 things I love: Drawing, men- concept art n stuff like that

5: 4 turns on: Oh here we go- uhh thighs, messy hair? when they give u The Look or when they. say things i will not talk about here HHGBDF n uhhh Arms 👀👀

6: 4 turns off: weird macho attitude, overly confident bullshit, being selfish and fuckboys in general

7: My best friend: not sure what this means but my bff is named Daphnée n i love her and ive known her my whole life so

8: Sexual orientation: homosexuale

9: My best first date: :))))))) as if

10: How tall am I: sigh. I’m 5″4

11: What do I miss: sometimes i miss the feeling loved ig

12: What time were I born: 12:19

13: Favourite color: pink!

14: Do I have a crush

15: Favourite quote: My senior quote!! “if what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, I’m telling you I’m immortal”

16: Favourite place: well? my room ig? I like my yard too

17: Favourite food: ugh ramen,,,korean dishes are TASTE as fuck but i also like classic ass spaghetti so like lol

18: Do I use sarcasm: does it look like i dont

19: What am I listening to right now: dr.phil LMFAO

20: First thing I notice in new person: Hair and eyes!! also how they laugh

21: Shoe size: Like. a 7-8 in women’s 6 in men’s

22: Eye color: Hazel/Golden yes bitch let me be special

23: Hair color: it’s either dark brown or golden brown idk

24: Favourite style of clothing: bruv its either kpoppie fuckboy or uwu skirts pastels

25: Ever done a prank call?: no i have anxiety

26: Meaning behind my URL:

27: Favourite movie: rise of the guardians and HTTYD

28: Favourite song: Comeback Home (BTS cover)

29: Favourite band: looks in the camera i dont know nan molla huh

30: How I feel right now: I’m fine im hungry

31: Someone I love: shoutout to my babeys in my server ily

32: My current relationship status: Single(tm)

33: My relationship with my parents: theyre fine ig just a bit tired

34: Favourite holiday:

35: Tattoos and piercing I have: Ear piercings? that’s it

36: Tattoos and piercings I want:

37: The reason I joined Tumblr:

38: Do I and my last ex hate each other? I sure hope not?

39: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? A bit ig?

40: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? Literally no

41: When did I last hold hands? Like last Friday

42: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? 20 minutes

43: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days? no i havent shaved in like months

44: Where am I right now? in my room, in quebec, canada

45: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me? bitch i sure hope my friends would

46: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? fuck my ears

47: Do I live with my Mom and Dad? yeah

48: Am I excited for anything? yeah? yeah

49: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? ig? always

50: How often do I wear a fake smile? just at work tbh

51: When was the last time I hugged someone? not long ago i cant tell but my friends r cuddle monsters so

52: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me? i havent kissed anyone so

53: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not? lemme think uhhh no not rlly im not dumb

54: What is something I disliked about today? i woke up n i thought i had school lol

55: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? oh john cock i want to be ur best friend

56: What do I think about most? i daydream 24/7

57: What’s my strangest talent? uhhh i can put my thumb behind my hand?

58: Do I have any strange phobias? trypophobia, if thats “weird”

59: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? depends on what the video is, mostly behind

60: What was the last lie I told? idk answering to my deadname

61: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? online

62: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? I slightly believe in ghosts? also aliens GOTTA exist so

63: Do I believe in magic? i think!

64: Do I believe in luck? yeah

65: What’s the weather like right now? very pretty i filmed a video outside!!

66: What was the last book I’ve read? L’Étranger d’Albert Camus in french class

67: Do I like the smell of gasoline? yes my dad’s a mechanic

68: Do I have any nicknames? a lot a lot

69: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had? bitch @ my birth #neverforget

70: Do I spend money or save it? i have 40$ in my name right now

71: Can I touch my nose with a tounge? no

72: Is there anything pink in 10 feet from me? yes highlighter

73: Favourite animal? cats or otters

74: What was I doing last night at 12 AM? FBISDFD NO WE DONT TALK ABOUT IT

75: What do I think is Satan’s last name idk he can have any last name he wants!!!

76: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? everytime i start hearing “waiting for you anpanman” or “i just wanna go home” 👀👀

77: How can you win my heart? aaahh. be a twink. b fashionable. b funny. cheesy. pls romance me like a npc in the sims 2

78: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? s(he) died smh

79: What is my favorite word? cunt is SUCH a satisfying word

80: My top 5 blogs on tumblr? oh great uh honestly cant be fucked

81: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? please have brain. PLEASE

82: Do I have any relatives in jail? i sure hope the fuck not?

83: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? either invisibility or mind reading

84: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? ahaaa “what are your intrusive thoughts”

85: What is my current desktop picture? my lesbian sims getting married LMFAO

86: Had sex? no

87: Bought condoms? no

88: Gotten pregnant? NO

89: Failed a class? i think yeah maths last year

90: Kissed a boy? :(((

91: Kissed a girl? no

92: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? no

93: Had job? I have a job rn so

94: Left the house without my wallet? yeah when i go to school

95: Bullied someone on the internet? define bullying?

96: Had sex in public? virgin squad

97: Played on a sports team? yeah

98: Smoked weed? no ew

99: Did drugs? no ew

100: Smoked cigarettes? NO EW

101: Drank alcohol? yep

102: Am I a vegetarian/vegan? no i’d die

103: Been overweight? i’m twig

104: Been underweight? i think i was underweight when i was young? i was very Small

105: Been to a wedding? yes very long boring

106: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight? bruh. everyday

107: Watched TV for 5 hours straight? probably?

108: Been outside my home country? ONCE

109: Gotten my heart broken? TWICE !

110: Been to a professional sports game? yesss canadians game!!

111: Broken a bone? no

112: Cut myself? not technically

113: Been to prom? SOON SOON SOON SOSOSNSBFSHDD

114: Been in airplane? once

115: Fly by helicopter? i am not rich bitch

116: What concerts have I been to? noneeee- WAIT NO MARIE MAI

117: Had a crush on someone of the same sex? not sex but for the purpose of pretending i have a penis yes plenty

118: Learned another language? yeah!! i learned english, i almost learned spanish and i’m trynna learn korean now

119: Wore make up? i try!! but i’m not super good

120: Lost my virginity before I was 18? not 18 yet but it’s goin that way

121: Had oral sex? as if

122: Dyed my hair? i wishhh

123: Voted in a presidential election? I WISH THE ELECTIONS R ONE MONTH B4 MY BIRTHDAY

124: Rode in an ambulance? nope

125: Had a surgery? yes at a week old

126: Met someone famous? i think yes but i was super small

127: Stalked someone on a social network? define stalked?

128: Peed outside? yes

129: Been fishing? YES

130: Helped with charity? i think? we do volunteering so

131: Been rejected by a crush? not directly

132: Broken a mirror? no

133: What do I want for birthday? boyf......boy..boyff

134: How many kids do I want and what will be their names? oh man uhh maybe 2-3, i dont know their names yet honestly

135: Was I named after anyone? MY DAD NAMED ME AFTER A FUCKIN CLIENT HE MET. as for my actual name now I named myself after my fav video game character. lit

136: Do I like my handwriting? yeah!!

137: What was my favourite toy as a child? bitch hot wheels

138: Favourite Tv Show? hells kitchen,,,,judge judy,,,anythin like that

139: Where do I want to live when older? honestly i wish i could just live in japan or tokyo, or new york? but i will most likely end up in montreal

140: Play any musical instrument? i used to play the clarinet last year!!

141: One of my scars, how did I get it? the one on my knee, i scratched my desk with my knee

142: Favourite pizza toping? my dad makes AMAZING sea food pizzas,,,

143: Am I afraid of the dark? a lot

144: Am I afraid of heights? A LOT

145: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? idk prolly? im a bit of a goody two shoes or however u spell it

146: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end: dont we all

147: What I’m really bad at: organizing my anxiety n shit i get overwhelmed

148: What my greatest achievments are: finishing high school

149: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: honestly has to be that time someone dug up my vent post about being dysphoric to try to say i hated myself with some dumbass DySphorIa Is SelF HaTRed argument

150: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: pay my parents’ debt off, buy 284223$ of BT21 merch, pay my whole college/uni and transition

151: What do I like about myself: idk i like how i literally do not give a fuck anymore and ive learned to love myself instead of trynna care

152: My closest Tumblr friend: @peptobismol-official @ace-landofthesun @dorkalisious and ana but idk her @ anymore :((( ana pls

153: Something I fantasise about: we dont talk about that

154: Any thoughts on the paranormal?: lit. please stop crawling in my ceiling !

ok now that u know my whole biography. go doxx me ig. bye bye

#Arche.txt #asks #ask #long post

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prinxessbbygrl · 7 years

Text

Hi I suck at writing.

((First fic and I suck at writing help))

(Soulmate AU where when one person writes on them it shows up on their body as well)

'get more Crystal Pepsi'

'finally beat level 9'

'optometrist on Friday'

These were just some of the things your soulmate wrote on his arm.

Sometimes, you would ask him if he did any of those things.

Though he would never answer.

You just figured he was too shy.

Oh god he was.

On a rare occasion, though, he would just give you a little smiley face.

For example, he would write something like:

'Ask Jeremy for the notes on AP Lit'

'Did you get those notes?'

':)'

Sometimes it was confusing?

Like why wouldn't he answer you?

You were in Physics when it happened.

'I never got your name' was written across your arm in red pen.

'(Y/N)! What about you?'

'Michael!'

Great. So now you had a name. This was something you've been waiting for to happen, why did you feel so unsatisfied?

'get cherry slushi after school'

There it was again. Another reminder that gave you little intel on who this mystery person really was.

'I actually prefer blue raspberry!'

'omg fight me'

'um I'm sorry but blue raspberry is queen'

He didn't write on you for a week.

When he finally did though, he drew a cherry slushi on his forehead.

Everytime you washed it off he drew it on again, and it drove you mad.

You got him back, though, by drawing a blue raspberry slushi on both his cheeks.

Sure, you looked ridiculous too but who cares? Nobody really talked to you anyway, it not like it made you any less lame.

3 days in and you guys finally decided to stop.

'listen, I have to present in class today. If you could please not draw a blue raspberry slushi on my cheek, I would really appreciate it.'

Of course, you didn't.

You weren't THAT bad.

Okay maybe you were.

You drew it on his arm instead.

like his WHOLE ARM.

So, back to class.

You were presenting today.

Chemistry was going to be the death of you.

Right before you were going to present, a boy you almost recognized went up.

Of course you weren't paying attention to the others, but this boy? This boy felt special. It might have been the red hoodie which oddly resembled the color of the ink written on your ankle. (Yes you write on each other's ankles so it's a bit more difficult to notice.)

You shrugged it off, thinking it was just your mind telling you the two had a connection because of color. You decided to listen. It was good. His voice was a but raspy. Oh he definitely smoked. What he smoked? You don't know. As he was walking past you, you instantly knew. Weed. He smoked weed. He didn't smell like weed, and that's how you knew. He wasn't a jock (you've never heard of him and all the jocks were popular) and he smelled like axe body spray. There's no other reason he would wear it, who would? Not that nice of a smell. People who smoked the nicotine didn't bother to cover it up, especially not with axe. He sat in his seat and looked at you. Once you realised you were staring, you quickly directed your attention to the front of the class, even though he had already caught you. He tapped your shoulder "hey, is there something on my face? Specifically my forehead? You were staring for a while so I was just um- I was just wondering." You looked at him once more "No sorry I was just uh- wait, why your forehead?" Though you were expecting this to be a bad pick up line, he simply responded with a shrug and looked back ahead.

'that was weird' you thought to yourself. Why had he? Is there something? You didn't know what to think.

You hesitantly wrote on your arm 'ask the weird kid in the red hoodie for his name, he seems.... important?'

About 2 minutes later, you got a response 'im usually the one writing reminders on my arm. This kid must be pretty special'

'yeah he just seems weird so....'

'wait he's wearing a red hoodie?'

'yeah?'

'what school do you go to?'

'uhh Middle Borough High'

'What class are you in?'

Okay now you were scared.

Why had he wanted to know all this information? It wasnt his business.

'um chem'

'do you have Mr.Shmidt?'

Okay now you were ready to run.

You look around the room until you see Michael with a red pen out. Wait. He can't? Is he? No......

OMG YES

you both make eye contact, and you notice the blue slushi on his arm.

He looks at your arm and notices the same.

You lose it.

You both quickly raise your hands, asking to be excused. Mr.Shmidt, being the nice teacher he was, allows you both to go as you two had already presented.

You turned to him and he just-

"Okaysoyouremysoulmateandihaveproofpleasedontbeupsetthatyourestuckwithme"

"Okay woah. 1st of all, I know. 2nd of all I'm not upset that you're my soulmate. I'm actually relieved. I would rather have you than one of those jocks."

"Really?"

"Yeah! Besides, I've been looking for a new dealer" ( IT WAS A JOKE PLEASE DONT COME FOR ME)

And that's when Michael fell in love.

(SPOILER I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE ENDING RIP)

#michael mell x reader #be more chill x reader #x reader #be more chill #michael mell #michael mell imagine #be more chill imagine

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lebilliam · 7 years

Text

Hey sirmcartney asked me to do this

I’d rather be doing this over my school ish anyways :’)

Ask me some questions!

3 Fears: Ghosts :((( , fat insects , failing stuff

3 things I love: i fukin love talking to my friends and hanging out , listening to music that i havent heard in forever, and that post workout glow

2 turns on: i can send them memes :) , i can laugh and not give a heck with them

2 turns off: i cant send them memes :( , being mean to me (im sensitive af)

My best friend: zoo wee this is a hard one but id prob say logan or brian or adam or morgan or alex. take ur pick. (morgan and logan tbh)

Sexual orientation: str8

How tall am I: 5′9″ according to my ID

What do I miss right now: intimacy

Favourite color: orange!!!!!

Do I have a crush: ;)

Favourite place: currently ive been digging the imagination room

What am I listening to right now: affection // Cigarettes After Sex

Shoe size: it varies on the brand but normally 9.5 or 10? idk im bad

Eye color: brown

Hair color: black

Meaning behind my URL: its bc i wanted a recognizable alias that i could use across platforms

Favourite song: i always say liztomania by phoenix

Favourite band: Maroon 5 fanboy here but ive been a fan of Cigarettes after Sex for a while now

How I feel right now: STRESSED and ANGERY

Someone I love: myself (kinda)

My current relationship status:

My relationship with my parents: we dont really talk that much but good i think?

Favourite season: oof i like the heat but im gonna say winter bc i get to be emo and i can go walk on fresh snow

Tattoos and piercing i have: none atm

Tattoos and piercing i want: hmmm idk if i want anything big but i always thought the track shoe/wing thing would be nice

The reasons I joined Tumblr: all my friends had it so i thought i would be cool if i made one

Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: i have gotten some before and i appreciate them

Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?: the last person i texted? surprisingly no

How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: depends if i shower but i can get going in ~4-5 minutes

Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?: nope!

Where am I right now?: imagination room!

Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? hell yea who doesnt

Do I live with my Mom and Dad? not atm im chillin #dormlife

Am I excited for anything?: excited for the weekend

Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? hell to the yea of course

How often do I wear a fake smile?: everytime i feel weird around people idk usually i wouldnt say i smile that much unless im gooning

If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: I believe that the world will introduce me to people when i need it (lame answer: idk anyone but maybe like my friends’ friends)

What do I think about most? this week it’s been the french essay i had to write but overall i think about being appreciated

Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? id be on both sides if i could but if i had to pick one id totally be in front

What was the last lie I told? oh haha i dont know (but i do know)

Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online? PHONE CALLS

Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Hell yea what else am i supposed to be afraid of. aliens are super cool man of course i think theyre real

Do I believe in magic? NOPE! but theres been some crazy magic tricks where i almost believe but then i see the “how it’s done” video for it

Do I believe in luck? hell yea of course! why would it not exist?

What’s the weather like right now? ughgh it’s disappointingly hot

What was the last book I’ve read? Huis Clos by Jean Paul Sartre (i had to read it for class but it really is a great work of art)

Do I have any nicknames? B, Lil B(ones i have heard the most) Billiam, Broletariate Biu (my mom calls me that), (billy bear is an old one and i dont know why they ever used it in the first place), goomph, toad, frog, ugly ass, nerd, dork, dingus

Do I spend money or save it? i spend it haha kms i really need to save more efficiently

Can I touch my nose with a tounge?: nope just tried and looked like a fool

Favourite animal? oof i want to say dogs but thats basic but dogs are so loving like i dont get it how do they do it

What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: i was up and i was emo. jk i was hanging out and watching bad Freshman xxl cyphers

What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? Get Low by lil Jon or Faded (the remix) or change your mind by the killers. im gonna go ahead and say that change your mind gets my shit hyped UP

What is my favorite word? satiation

My top 5 blogs on tumblr: idk if im going to be honest i dont really use tumblr that much for personal blogs but i do love foodporn, til, ruined childhood

If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? love each other.

Do I have any relatives in jail? i dont think so? oh jk theyre not really a relative but they’re a close family friend’s relative

What is my current desktop picture? FUKIN FUNCTIONAL GROUPS THAT I DONT EVER KNOW OFF THE TOP OF MY HEAD EVEN THOUGH THERES A TEST IN 10.25 HOURS

Had sex? ye

Bought condoms? ye

Gotten pregnant? cant really say that i have :p

Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? yes

Had job? yep! summer job at the zoo which was cool af

Smoked weed? once or twice

Smoked cigarettes? never.nope.disgusting

Drank alcohol? yes

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? i tried being vegetarian for a bit but then i wasnt eating enough red meat

Been overweight? as a kid i feel like i was overly big but now that i think about it i dont think i was fat

Been underweight? definitely

Gotten my heart broken? homeboy who hasnt?

Been to prom? yeep

Been in airplane? yeep

Learned another language? heck yes! english kek and im in the process of learning french. i tried learning lithuanian after a life changing experience.

Wore make up? surprisingly no

Dyed my hair? nope! i dont want to bleach my hair

Had a surgery? uhhh does laser surgery count? bc ive had 3 so far and i might have more

Met someone famous? every time i walk by a mirror ;) jk i met the senator of WA and the mayor of Tacoma a couple times

Stalked someone on a social network? pfft hell yes

Been fishing? yep! it’s always an experience

Been rejected by a crush? rip me yes

What do I want for birthday? i want to have a nice get together with friends where we do stuff that i dont have to pay for (but i dont think thats how life works anymore)

Do I like my handwriting? I love it in pen and when i hit my ecrivain stride, but otherwise when my hands get sweaty its just a fkin mess

Where do I want to live when older? i’ve always said paris, but zaragoza spain wouldnt be too bad!

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? yea boi

What I’m really bad at: believing in myself

What my greatest achievments are: i was a smart kid in elementary! i got some awards for getting good grades and i went to a competitive thing for piano once and i placed a couple times in some random races ive run

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: oof i dont want to really relive that experience

What I’d do if I won in a lottery: id ask /r/personalfinance

What do I like about myself: id like to think im gaining/losing healthy weight

My closest Tumblr friend: on tumblr?? idk i said i dont really use tumblr for friends but i’d probably say memequeen or sirmccartney

Any question you’d like? when am i going to meet up with my RA? no one knows idk i forgot about our meeting and hes really cool about rescheduling so i might do it this saturday

Are you outgoing or shy? it really depends on how im feeling but id like to think im pretty outgoing!

What kind of people are you attracted to? NICE FRIENDly people who can laugh. laughing is important to me

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? personally i think yes

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? nope!

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? @thoseloverseyes most def

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “haha and then what ;)” jk it says” thank”

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? boy oh boy am i not ready for this question. Id think “this love, maroon 5″, humble (its a bop), “the air that i breathe, “open - rhye”, and rollin by calvin harris or this house by japaense breakfast idk the last one always changes

Do you like it when people play with your hair? i had a weird experience once but idk i think im willing to let other people touch my hair? not a fan

Do you think there is life on other planets?of course. this topic is not up for debate. just bc our defition of life has not been found that does not mean that there is not life in other places where we are either 1) not looking or 2) life that we cant recognize due to our weird weird obsession with water like life does not have to use water as a conduit for essential functions

well that was fun and id say it took some time. it def got me feeling better about life. 7.8/10 i would do it again but im sweaty af from this hot ass room

peace!

#personal

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multifandomhoodies · 5 years

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in the two minutes my brain was working i made this meme because i think it’s funny and while no one has told me to stop talking abt work i feel like this is lowkey accurate.

this will probably be super annoying and basically a ramble but hey ! I dont care. rondo alla turca just came on and that’s incredibly accurate of my mind rn just that super fast part. anyways. im so sorry.

hit that read more for the entire 2000+ word dissertation i wrote about work today.

so today was wild because fourth of july babey uh it didn’t start getting different until like,,,, 8 ish? mostly till then it was just regulars who are always in the park. i forgot my earmuffs so i couldn’t backpack blow when i wanted :c. nothing weird was in the bathrooms today! there was a lemonheads box in the women’s, but like,, that’s not very weird. i had several guests tell me that i was gonna have a rough day tomorrow w/ clean up and im like lol yeah Except i dont work tomorrow sorry tue-sat crew. love you. except fuck u danager. i had to get the cans along the beach and the guy that usually runs the beach comber wasn’t there so a different guy from the other park was doing it and he doesn’t run the beach comber v often and you could Tell. also this dude barely said anything to anyone except the one dude and honestly powermove. also he has Very long dreads. also this lady ? was laying like two feet away from where i had to backpack blow and she had the audacity to like, look at me? sorry lady its 8am the sun isnt even out stop sunbathing. anyways. i had to water the flowers i planted yesterday and after that it was breaktime (gang GANG) breaktime is like,, three hours after we start work but cleaning the bathrooms and backpack blowing and getting cans took forEVER. break was funny because it was just three of us in the breakroom and we were talking about the new manager who is. just a fucking asshole. he can choke. bitch. anyways. even tony doesnt like him and tony’s like so nice. i made a joke b4 we rolled out that liam could help me clean our part of the park and danager was like hey he can do that if you want to mulch and I thought it was mulching with HIm and I was like oh nO you thought hunty! i had to deal with your stupid ass yesterday! turns out it was just liam and tony and like honestly i would have done that that would have been super fun. and liam told me that he’d told tony about what happened yesterday with mulching. danager really called liam and i off of weedeating to mulch. at like, 1:30. we go on break at 2. he didnt care and was like oh you guys can just stay after and we’re like?? no?? unless we’re getting paid overtime and you dont have the power to make us do that? and liam today was like yeah if he does that shit again im leaving and tony and i agreed. im like ill walk home man. im leaving. tony said that even steve was getting pissed at him yesterday and steve’s a really chill dude. so collectively everyone’s like FUCk danager. and he came in from outside too and was like aight guys this is what we’re doing. hannah you should be able to weedwhip farther out away from your body. you hold the weedwhip too close and if you dont do that you can get a farther range. i kid you not the four of us that werent danager just started laughing. weedeaters (or weedw(h)ackers, or as ONLY danager says, weedwhips) arent very heavy. however. they do get heavy after a while, and they shake sometimes. a lot of times. We don’t get new equipment so it shakes. I’m hardly weak, but I’m also not strong enough to hold the weedeater like he said. so as soon as he said that i should be doing that everyone laughed. like i did too im like man you’re tripping. anyways. he left again, and so did two of the other guys again so it was just tony liam and i. kenny came back in and the three of us had been talking and when kenny opeend the door we all shifted so we could see who walked in, hoping it wasnt danager. kenny bust out laughing. “yall shoulda see your faces.” tony does a dramatic renactment of us all leaning forward to see who it is. oh it was great. tony liam and i were like in hysterics abt something (i think it was something rude abt danager i cant remember now). then we all headed out to do our danager assigned tasks. I went back to weedeating this one area. reminder that it IS the fourth of july, it’s like 9:30am and im weedeating this one part of the park. priorities? what are those. anyways so i do that. I see liam and tony leave to keep mulching. i keep weedeating. I did that and backpack blew the debris and then went over to the other part of the park to check cans. i checked cans again, had a super awkward situation with like 15 people near this sign. i tried to park my cart to check hte cans and EVERYONE STARED AT ME. like i know im wearing clothes specifcally chosen to be visible to cars and the public but the fuck you gotta stare at me for! anyways i got the cart and got the fuck outta there quick. I drove around more, some guy stopped me and said he thought there should be more speed limit signs. you’re right sir. drivers will see them and not care. i was checking trash in the one part of the park and i see tony and liam driving so i wave. by now it;s almost our lunch, its like 11:15. im going to check some cans that you like actually have to walk to, but i see tony driving towards me so i wait. they pull up, ask for the time. tony suggests we take a brisk walk to check the cans. we take a walk, but it’s not very fast. it’s very slow. we stopped to talk about dumb shit. liam’s apparently found a mink? on the pier? im so jealous? anyways yeah we wasted fifteen minutes looking at cans. we turn around and Danager’s walking towards us. tony grabs some trash off the ground immediately. danager doesnt even question it. he just tells us he wants someone to weedwhip or mow this one area, or at least be aware of it. tony and liam leave with dan, i head back to the shop. i hosed out the back of my cart cuz i got something FOUL in it. it may have been human poop. not sure. it was at least poop. lunch was more joking about danager. then danager came in and they started talking about muscle cramps. tony asked regular dan if he got cramps ever. dan shook his head. we dont think dan’s human. doesnt eat. doesnt SIT. only takes breaks because he’s legally required. jury is out. danager fucks off again. liam ate some of the ice cream. we chill until danager comes back in. then we leave. danager really told us to keep our weedwhips with us (also everytime liam or i say weedwhip mockingly we whip so i mean. yeah) and if we saw anything that needed weedeated to do it. ITS THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PARK. tony apparently reached for his weedeater and some lady started cussing him out. something about how there’s people around and whatever (all true) and he’s like yeah sorry i was told to but yaknow what I just wont! because it’s a holiday no one wants to weedeat. so danager told us to go clean up driftwood from the beach and tony’s like oh some of it may be big yaknow ill go with you guys. completely an excuse not to do work. it was fine. we went down to the beach. got all ten pieces of wood that were there. and we did not take them back to the shop to be dealt with. no. we may or may not have taken the trashcan full of wood to the treeline and yeeted the driftwood into the treeline/woods. then we walked back up to our carts. and didnt get in them. the three of us stood around the carts for like twenty minutes just talking instead of working. who cares honestly. i dont. as long as it’s not a habit,,, we cool. somehow we started talking abt pot and liam’s like Oh yeah i’m pretty sure everyone here gets FUCKED up on that. and tony (who’s been here for a summer) was like. oh yeah for SURE. he’s like yaknow weed’s okay. not that interesting ppl overhype it. liams like yea never done it been overed it never done it and im like never been offered, never done it. a ranger rolled by and tony’s like yo what if the ranger rolled his window down and just a cloud of pot smoke rolled out and his eyes were just red. what would we do. and we all just like essentially shrug emojid and kept talking. tony came up with the great idea to move out of the full sun into some shade. we sat in the carts in the shade and talked more abt dumb shit. we decide to eventually move and check some other areas for trash. just to look busy and also get out of an area that had a lot of people and access for a cart. so we went over to another section of the park and got trash. I had two bags, and Tony’s just like yeah as long as they see trashbags in your cart no one’s gonna care what you’re doing. We went over near that part’s bathrooms and dan and even dan was like,,, i see yall are fuckin off and i dont hate that. we actually talked with dan for a bit too. then we walked over to this area where ppl throw beercans and ““““checked”““ for trash there. skipped rocks. made stupid comments about shit. we were over there for like twenty minutes. aaaaaaaaand Danager shows up. he tells tony to go water some plants in the front. it’s 1:30 at this point, tony’s gotta go load the water, haul it out to the front, water. liam and i followed him back to the carts. he got in his cart, looked around to make sure dan was gone and did the finger gun to head thing and drove off. liam and i immediately were like okay we gotta figure something out we’re staying the fuck out of danager’s way. so we go to another pier and start walking it, looking for trash. we did actually pick up trash. there was a lot. after like fifteen minutes we headed back to the shop to take our break at 2 and danager’s on his way out and he’s like oh! hey you guys can weedwhip around the building! or clean up around the dumpsters. do something. “No use standing around for twenty minutes”. okaaaaaaaaaaaaay man. so liam and i are like oh yeah of course we’ll find something to do. FUCK I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BLOW THE GRASS IN THE DRIVEWAY FUCK FUCKIJ’DJ’FKJALKJFLAKJF goddamnit. deadass sorry for abrupt switch but im sitting in my house at 10:25pm realizing i didnt get the grass in the driveway. ugh whatever. ending my regrets and back to earlier. so as soon as danager drives his way and we get far enough away both of us are like YO FUCK THAT and im immediately like.

i get as far as saying the first I from this and liam and I say the rest in unison. we share a braincell, i think. good job us. we’re both OVER IT. we throw our trashbags in the dumpster and grab pickers. we’re not sweating it but we grab some trash. i feel bad for tony cuz he’s out watering when it’s breaktime. liam says he probably wont be back till 2:25 when we have to clock out by 2:30. he wound up being right. a lot of shaking heads and muttering inbetween the four seasonals (minus dan) as soon as he was back. i clocked out and i told tony that he probably wont survive tomorrow with danager and that it was nice knowing him. tomorrow two of the techs will be back because they had today off. but it’s gonna be tony, the two techs, and danager. and possibly someone from the other park. not sure tho. like the BIGGEST oof because it’s gonna be a full day of trash cleanup and they’ve got danager there. and danager works the same shift as tony so anyday tony’s in, so it danager. the sat-thur crew got lucky. he told liam and i that on saturdays, the techs are out b/c weekends. it was just tony and someone from the other park and they’d. get the trash. trashbags and ground trash. and then fuck off in the breakroom. you can’t weedeat or cut on weekends. there’s not much to do if there’s not trash. they deadass would nap. and now they’re SCREWED because danager’s there. i’m so sad the one guy from the other park wasn’t there today. I can not WAIT to find out what he thinks of danager. fascinating. i almost worked tomorrow too, of my own request because I missed so much. but im sO Glad i didnt i do not want to spend anytime around danager that i dont have to. he fucking sucks. anyways. working my first ever fourth of july was,,, eventful. it mostly consisted of trying to avoid danager and kicking it with liam and tony. and that’s stellar. I really like both of them. i love my fucking coworkers. except danager. fuck you. also! no one offered us food :( apparently there is usually good food ppl offer to you and :( :( i didnt get food. oh today at work was wild. im so sorry for this post. it’s a hefty one. is this the longest post i’ve ever made on tumblr? yes. if you made it this far good job. I saw two REALly great dogs. the one looked like a bear. the other was a gsd. good job. god i love this job.

#work #long post #personal

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wildlove836 · 7 years

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2017

wow. okay. when I said 2016 fuck me up I didnt mean literally.

but god damn, once again I’ve rung in the new year heartbroken as can be, but wait there’s more. I fell in love with someone. he’s somehow worse than the last guy and hell I love him a thousand times more.

I’ve dealt with so much shit this year. I’m in a relationship with a drug addict. I didnt know it until about 3 months ago. I mean I knew, but I didnt know.

He asked me to marry him literally the 3rd day we spent together. no I didnt say yes, but apparently I did because now hes calling me his fiance n shit. I ‘lost’ my virginity to this guy. It sounds fucked up but it isnt as bad as it seems. or maybe it is and I still have a long way to go before I figure it all out.

I think I really love him. I think he really loves me. But people keep telling me he’s going to love those little crystals more.

I’ve seen some shit. My humdrum life has done a fucking tail spin in the last 6 months. I went from a full tank of gas and watching netflix all day to $1.43 in my bank account and needles hidden in the dresser drawers.

I’ve seen junkies, I’ve had shit stolen. I’ve watched him physically and mentally change without even noticing.

I’ve been choked and pushed and bruised and screamed at. I’ve done the same things back in a rage I didnt know I was capable of.

I’ve heard stories from child hood that make no sense but make perfect sense and I know I cant change the past but I’d very much like to.

I smoked weed and that shit was great at first but now its the only way I cant really talk to you, it seems. you told me that wasnt it but trust me. i’m too afraid to tell you the truth when we’re not...chill.

I’ve cried and screamed and walked away. I’ve waited hours upon hours for you to call. I havent slept and I’ve slept too much. I had a real panic attack for the first time in my life.

I’ve sat in the ER with you for 6+ hours after you crashed your car from being on adderall. I watched you literally mentally and physically break down in the pizza hut parking lot while normal fucking people watched and wondered what the fuck they could do for you and I just sat there next to you counting change from your pockets because you lost the receipts.

im sorry. i lost them somehow. who fucking knows. i’ll take the blame for it though if thats what I have to do.

i walked across train tracks wondering if maybe my foot my get caught while you told me you were addicted to sex and of course I should have already known this but surprise I didnt. its still my fault though.

we missed trick or treat with your daughter because you were on acid.

then the other day you brought her to my house and slept the whole time. you said what does it matter my parents see me taking her out of the house. well what the fuck do you care right. if you’re playing the part of dad. you son of a bitch. i love that girl and I know you do too but you better try harder. you better or you’ll lose faster if you have her.

I’ve seen you coming down down down. with a knife in your hands and the doors locked and the lights off. I’ve watched cops drive by thinking you were already dead.

I’ve had the best sexual experiences with you and only you. I got drunk and gave you a blow job after knowing I’d never have a dick in my precious mouth.

you called me perfectly imperfect for a while, now that i’ve lost my innocence you call me your miracle. these days I feel like a burden. enabler is the word i’m trying not to say because I know its the truth. but i didnt know. i swear i didnt.

and not in the fucking physical sense. i’m not giving him money or anything like that. im stressing him the fuck out. BUT FUCK HE NEVER MAKES ANY SENSE. and im stressed out too. doesnt anybody see that?

everybody knows him like I know him now. a fucking mind fuck. this little twat can turn a sentence around on you so quick you’re wondering what you even said in the first place. this mother fucker can have you so god damn confused you’re rethinking your whole life.

he does it on purpose. I think so he feels more normal on the inside. the only question I have is, was it the meth that brought it out of him or was it destined to come out eventually on its own. the crazy will never subside and I must admit that’s what somehow attracts me to him.

feeling like a complete dumbass after every conversation we have. BUT YOU ALREADY KNEW THIS. he’ll say, like I already knew it. and then i’ll realize I did already know it. he was telling me all along, but in his own way. like a secret language. and I cant fucking afford the rosetta stone for crazy talk.

half the relationship i spend KNOWING this shit isnt right for me and here i am thinking i have to do this i have to do this but i still dont know what love is. its breaking the god damn futton i know.

there’s no doubt about what i feel but really is it worth it. will he kill me. will i kill him. ive done things i never thought i would do. ive seen things i never thought i would see. the world is my fucking oyster over here. anything is possible. anything can happen. anything.

regardless, here I am. alone and wondering what hes doing. if he’s okay. a thousand and one fucking questions because he doesnt have a phone for me to call. and somehow now it feels like its my fault. it is my fucking fault and im crying a lot right now because of it. and im alone. so he can calm down. but i cant calm down without him. i need him. i need him. I NEED HIM. and im going insane worrying and wondering and crying and feeling okay for a little while.

now im just mad because hes okay without me. hes okay. and im not okay. it isnt fair. FUCK YOU. it isnt fair. do you even love me? DO YOU EVEN CARE. DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME. duh.

WHY DID I QUIT MY FUCKING JOB. I had what I needed. besides clarity and sanity so fuck, you cant blame me. hes been driving me insane since he spotted me.

but I know he fucking loves me. crazy people dont fuck around with shit like that. if they mean it they mean it. i feel it. I know it. I love it. its the only thing I understand ever. is my love for him. is it true. is it real. who fucking cares. its real and its ever present and its mostly reciprocated in good and bad ways. if i could walk away from it i already would have . i swear. i already would have but i havent so get off my fucking back.

but love is hard they tell me. love is fucking hard as hell and you’ve got to suffer before you can enjoy that shit, otherwise its not worth it. I realize this is too long and i’m not gonna reread it so nobody else is probably going to read it. thats okay. i needed to get it down on ‘paper’ just in case.

god just fucking pray for me or something. every time I feel like something is going to get worse it does okay. I had people burning up spoons in the trailer we were supposed to live in just to shoot up heroin and I was too busy making sure my boyfriend wasnt killing himself in a shed to realize.

old dude (thats what they call people in fairdale) literally over dosed in the bed that was supposed to be mine. in the bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I cant say anything about it? I CANT SAY ONE GOD DAMN WORD ABOUT IT?

nah because bf is too nice to people who ‘care’ to realize what they’re really doing in the big picture. she put her clothes in the closet that was supposed to be mine. mine. FUCKING MINE. but i cant be mad because shes homeless and has cancer. what a fucking lifetime movie. I DIDNT NEED THIS TO KNOW I WAS A SELFISH PERSON. I ALREADY KNEW. I’M GOOD AT HIDING IT. I WANT MY CLOSET SPACE BACK. I see drug abuse and friendship and something strikes me as sketchy. OMG. and dont get me started on the cheating.

he cheats on me. he puts his dick inside his best friend while they’re fucked up on whatever. they tell me she says no everytime he asks but this time she didnt. oh wow. what a perfect picture of a life im stuck in. what a romantic gesture. WHAT A FUCKING ROMANTIC COMEDY OF LIFE. i can keep my perfect pussy to myself and he cant go one fucking day without trying to put his dick in something. I WILL BUY YOU A FUCKING GRAPEFRUIT TO FUCK IF THAT WILL KEEP YOUR DICK OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE.

he says hes taking a shit when he goes over there but he takes a shit every time and they’re long shits. idk if its to fuck or whatever but its for sure about drugs. drugs that tear people apart and keep the glued together and they’re fucking ripped seams. god this sounds like fucking trash and it is. it literally is. and I know it but I cant do a damn thing about it because I love this trash. hes not trash. but he acts like it.

I know he’s not trash because somehow he has it all figured out. its like his autistic niche is seeing into the future and knowing for god damn sure that something is going to turn out the way it is but he wont fucking tell me. just straight up tell me the truth.

naaaah. that’d be too logical. he’d rather tell me the alternative lie. to keep me safe. HA. OKAY FROM WHAT. my life is so fucked up now.

needless to say 2016 has royally fucked me up. there’s probably a shit ton of stuff I forgot to mention and I should of because this is my collective fuck up recap but oh well. its not the last of it anyway. I know that for damn sure.

I just hope that when we get married or whatever the fuck next big thing happens in our lives. I hope it balances out the bad shit. because the bad shit is getting really hard to deal with. like really hard. like my hands are shaking sometimes hard and i feel like i cant kill myself because even in death i’d be worried about you and its nobodys fault but its our fault.

I know it is. he’s not even supposed to be in a relationship right now and what does this fucker do. he falls in love. true love with an innocent girl who has no idea what shes about to fucking go through. god damn. somebody help me. somebody really help me. I know I will always love him. more than the other mother fuckers I thought I cared about. I will fucking love him.

I FUCKING LOVE HIM. it makes me angry how much i love him. because it hurts me. a lot. but I wont stop. I cant. i wont. i never will. even if he stops loving me. i dont see how. but if he did. i’d still be calling and showing up and waiting outside and peeping in windows like a fucking nutcase. its my fucking ride or die. even if we broke up and i met someone else. god its not gonna be like this. it might be better. it might be a fucking dream. it might be date nights and morning kisses and flowers at work. but it wont be this. it wont be what i have with tey. nothing will ever be like this.and i fucking love that. im obsessed. im entranced. im in deep heartache love.

and ironically he does literally the worst thing he could do. the worst thing. he could. is love me irrevocably. whole heartedly. stubbornly. passionately. intentionally. desperately. in return. a love that i could live with for eternity. without a shadow of a doubt love. til the day we die in each others fucking arms.

its killing him. its killing us. but its keeping us alive.

how sobering is that shit.

#2017 #NewYearNewMe #relatinship #boyfriend #love #writing #spilledink #addiction #drugs #help me #literally #im so lost #and so in love

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fridayweed · 6 years

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Weed strains are bs and dont do as much as you think. Take this from somebody smoking 9+ years allll the fkin time. Right?Naming strains is fun and all.Ok so. You walk in a shop. "Hey man we got some of this insert strain name that'll give you a real talkative high, this strain right here will help you focus for those college tests, .....blah blah. You get it?Theres a strain for for everything you could want right? No there isnt because it comes down to.Do you want a strong sativa or strong indica.Every description you are told about a strain is watered down to. Sativa. Indica. Hybrid.You can describe the highs of those three endlessly.So shut up avout your "og platinum kush" and "purp" purp isnt a strain. You can make any plant purple just with cold temperature. The only reason you dont see it often is because yoy run the risk of killing the plants to make them purple.Shit like. "Og platinum kush" ive had that exact title several times. Everytime the quality is different. Different color. Characteristics. Stregnths.Yeah we got kush from the fucking kush mountains in the middle east. But all the descriptions of what makes kush unique other than its homeland are applicable to every other strain. Only difference would be plant appearence really. I beleive plants from the kush mountains are shorter in hight.WE AS A COMMUNITY need to get out of this blackhole of marketing.No longer should strains with cool names be held to a higher degree than the growers putting in the work to give you a great quality high.From now on weed should be named more, i want to say humbling? As long as a grower/farm name is whats being advertised more so than "og ak banana kush" (which im imagining would be something along the lines of......"oh yeah man its a strong indica with a little bit of sativa, and it makes you swing your arms like donkey kong") #Weed #Cannabis #Marijuana #Ganja #tumblr https://ift.tt/2yz1idr

#tttt

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dearracists-blog · 6 years

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Ive been hanged, shot at, beaten up publically in school, after church, drugged all before age of 7 .

I have a burn on my foot and scar on my other foot like jesus.

My parents claimed im not adopted but brutally use to beat me outside of my school.

I use to go school with welts on my back legs, face, ears , head.

I was forced to stay with random family members who would have me sleep on beds and wake up covered in sores.

Ive been raped before molested.

This is before 8 as well.

Miami florida.

Golden glades elem.

Right off 95 expressway ... and the palmetto.

Threatened to be killed after i was drugged again and raped by the supposed men on both sides of my family.

Same police officers and sherrif showed up. No one cared.

They claimed i was lying but in front of the office people who would give them belts and shoes to hit me.

I was constantly a punching bag.

Then comes the poisoning, tampering with food.

Joining jrotc.. this is literally in elem they visited and didnt care.

I was smart and etc .. people didnt care that i was being literally tortured by people in my school and at home practically . And these people would go right around new people and friends and work and public places and show no aggression, no complaints and would brutally attack me..

I would try to escape so much.

I remember my mother attacking me in walmart parking lots and aunts and i remember a stranger saying no leave her alone.

I remember people messing with my eyesight all the time and attacking me..

They literally tried to cover evedything up with a oh the person to write the reports isnt here or max is really rude and talk about me like i wasnt there and everytime i said no check the cameras where the audio no one cared..

I would get dragged by my shirt walking away.

It was until i beat up this one kid then i realized how bad they were treating me and making me become this bad person.

I had plans and all these things to become someone..

Literally i remember me and this girl making plans on what we would become and people in my class distracting me say hey come over here.. or dragg me to places..

I remember being set up.. i remember police not caring blatantly about my brother or cousins.. all in high school or graudated im in 3rd grade brutually beating me up till i bled.. literally out the mouth.. busted lip.. woke up to being raped.. drugged.. beaten up outside.

Police didnt care ... they would give me phones on 1 percent .. all types of things. Forced to take showers to grown men, strangers...

One of them got of jail , several and became teachers and work for the police and stuff..

I was in the admissions process for the gifted program and this boy.. that i was filmed doing things with and him setting me up with and this girl.. yeah..

They did hypnosis on me in a room.. he was white practically, the hypnotist white and the girl my skin color but her mom a teacher.

I was pretty much told nothing was going to be fair for me in life and if i wanted tk be safe i would tell them every creative thing i was gonna invent and plan .

At rhis point in my life i was writing down ideas on how to ivent phones and bring things into existance and try to start a small club of thinkers and we would watch new episodes of tv and scifi and find ways of inventing things and using real science methods..

Literally everything of mines stolen .. and beaten to the point i would run to school and places after being suspended or attacked or after schools over because my mother would go crazy.

She shaved off her head and my brother started locking it and they would both set me up. My little brother grew up to hate me.

I would constantly give them ideas on what to do and how to do it because wikipedia and library books aree my best friend...

They tried to force me to drink liqour , my cousins to smoke weed.

I woke up with cuts inbetween my legs and on my feet one time.. at a relatives house .. umm

Not stretch marks.. literally razor sharp im sitting on a pad cuts. And heard someone come to the door saying can we kill him yet.

No one cared.

Hmm what else, ive been stabbed by people who showed up to thanksgiving and parties.. kicked out of houses and people calling the police on me saying i ran away..

Teachers laughed at me .. said eww well we cant do anything youre not enrolled right now or im off clock. All types of bullshit excuses..

Im currently in tampa and walking down the street to get food and cars are playing the radio saying why you running from me..

I was just kicked out again and they just stole my money again .. literally...

The amount in the past four years and me being threatened to be killed and them telling police they havent.. over 10,000

Literally missing.. no body had come to look for me to wonder where the money went.

Ive been raped, my father and his friends pimped me out and threatened to kill me or have this boy i knew since elem stab me in my side again..

They are military people, nurses, car painters, etc.. and church goers.. remind you my foot since 3rd grade looks like jesuses on ..

And my older brother has stolen money from me and pimped me out too and have me into a mental hospital.

Hmmm, not even a year ago, and theyve done this twice now.. ( drive me from my aunts in fort lauderdale to my mothers in virginia after threatening to kill me and calling the police)

Ive just left a apartment complex..

They lived at the Hamptons in both brandon fl and north lauderdale and tried to fight me and had me spend my last food stamp money on them and kick me out.

Ive been sexually harassed and tried to be forced into sex both times ..

Since being young, i would be in hospitals in the emergnecy room .. either stabbed.. or the flesh on my hands being eaten away by the hands soaps or touching a product. My aunt worked in macys and fathers cars..

They would leave rags in plqces. Find blood in random places ..

I would drink juices they made me after saying no numerous times .. them saying stpp being paranoid and having itches and breakouts.

Everytime i came up with something and was able to visually break down how something was down using common sense or research methods since young ... nonstop torture..

I was promised money, i was promised protection nothing.

Ive been called nigger , fagfot, threatened to be killed, throat slit, called terrorist etc...

I dont even remember my name being Maxali sometimes .

My mother the violent one has gottwn babied nonstop by friends and my teachers and im like wtf is wrong with you all..

Ive been to fake funerals..

Ive dated people and people lied and said they died and thoose people showed right back up..

People farted in my faces.. literally a past pastor ive met in miami as a child was in virginia at a workplace that hired me... the father of the girl who i was forced to be with.. people who were around last time i got beaten up...

They claimed it was because of coke.. i thought cocaine ... nothing to do with me..

How was my mothers suppise father miltary or a vet but ive seen him old walking the streets in gear .. and the abusive people on my fathers side saying that him and mothers side saying .. we dont wanna hear it.

Ive been sex trafficked , tsrgeted, beaten up by strangers, family , friends since grade school and its always been a excuse.

I have always been led into things that had nothing to do with me and out of my ranking, grade, class, race, political affliation..

I dont even know if this message is gonna go through.

Ive seen men who look like a past father before the abusive one show up..

Im just not with the nonsense. Its repeative.

Literally rapists, child molesters, cokeheads, dreams ruined all types of stuff.

And they all work.. and they claimed it was all types of disorders.

Ive been left in rokms wirh flashing lifhts and beaten up..

This is before 18 remind you .. and no one asks questions..

Its my father or someone i know .

That rapes me and forces me on drugs and says it didnt happen..

Ive had to hid phones with evidence..

I literally always encounter strangers who stalk me or do weird suggestive and creepy things..

And feel wwird sensations after cars rev by in ford trucks and etc.

Muscle convulsions, music sauing faggot or fuck you why you running. Smell drugs. Hear laughter ..

Feel my body tighten up in inappropraite places. .

I drink juice and eat food and suddenly followed after feeling my head itching .. head hair on head not gentials and my butt clenches up and a strangers is nearby.. like wtf.

Its always a set up.

A girl that looks just like the from the program of whatever was around as well.. like wtf..

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somedaypast-thesunset · 6 years

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so i really think i am done now.

like im weirdly overwhelmingly speechless but yet have so many thoughts and feelings but none of them of extreme anxiety.

he tells me he went to drop in group therapy today and that hes going to go to rehab after he takes care of me for a month and maybe he’ll be better for spring.

i’m like .........................................

oh. o.ka..y. i just spent weeks - literally weeks - being dragged along by him with phone calls and questions and requests and he saw me invest my energy and time and that i was becoming like excited for this prospect. yesterday i was being told i would make him homecooked meals and take care of his dog. like i was fed everything and boom “maybe, i don’t know, we’ll see”.

and i didnt know how to react because on one hand im like okay cool good job trying something new i hope this gives u something ur looking for and helps the situation. on the other im like wow you literally have zero care about me and even if youre sick and thats the excuse behind this back and forth - you dont care about me. is it the sickness that makes you not care or you yourself? and am i sticking around to find out on the hopes that rehab makes this better? like your complete constant inability to give any respect to another person. its not like im thinking he has to go through with the original plans or else but its like not one time did he mention hey thanks for working on this i appreciate that youre doing this with me and you put time into it and i really want to be on my top game and i know this kind of puts a bump in the road but im hoping that itll be worthwhile at the end of it because we’re on the right track but i am not.

it was just im doing this and this. cool.

u know he cant consider other ppl right he has to only consider himself and how to make himself better while completely neglecting the massive damage he is currently doing around him but its okay because hes going to rehab and if i believe in this opportunity i wont be bothered by a bump in the road.

yes i absolutely think my life story should be tramping across canada i guess by myself now to be with a guy fresh out of rehab. so fuck me right. and im just like.. sooooooooooo.... many emotions. im angry and bitter and sad and heartbroken and i dont know what to be. i dont know whats the “right” path for ME to take. because fuck anyone else fuck it all - whats the right path for me. do i want to be angry? do i want to cry?

except i already knew how this went because i did it before the summer about this fucking trip so its like u must think im literally retarded. if i complained at all in anyway i was an asshole for not supporting his want to go to rehab. i didnt want him to get better. and there was no way to explain that he was just completely neglecting the damage he caused and was causing at this very moment regardless of his positive decision because nothing about making the ecision to go to rehab is that positive. its only positive because youre “getting better” otherwise youre going because you suck right now. thats not a positive decision. it is AFTER fucking rehab. but im not even on this level with him you know. im not saying any of this. i just know that if i say even one single thing about it, im an asshole even though its presented to me by an asshole.

so i told him that i wanted to go and be sad and i talked to him later. he asked me why i was sad and really pressed on the issue and i told him it dint matter and i would prefer to just go but again he pressed and i felt anxious like either i flat out accepted what happened right now and just live my life in whatever new way i was required to in his shadow or tell him that i felt uncomfortable and sad and that he was just going to come for a month and go away again and that didnt make me feel good.

and thus - well he was doing this positive thing and he wanted to feel better and not feel like he wanted to die everyday and you know i had this opportunity where i was too and i had problems i wasnt working on and it doesnt make him feel goo to have to deal with the stress of me being upset about his decision.

and i was just so frustrated. like after two fucking years you still do not get it at all. like omg i could quit smoking everything tomorrow and still feel like absolute garbage and want to di ei could have a great job an still feel like garbage and want to ie because my BIGGEST MOST OVERWHELMING FEELING I HAVE NEVER NOT SHAKEN IN MY DAILY FUCKING BEING is loneliness. and its not like im forcing him to mae me not lonely. but when you offer this stupid dream world where im not going to be lonely, when you put on a mask to parade around and “care for me” after surgery but disappear promptly after its like do you not understand its literally more painful for me in my life to live with loneliness than anything this cyst does to me. anything. i could live with it for a year and it would be less worse than the all consuming depression of loneliness. and by feeling so lonely ive struggled with finding a purpose. and like i have friend(s). i have one very good friend ive had for two years that i really really connect with and really really respect and weve fought but its totally okay and when i feel really alone i honestly think of her maybe first and foremost because i genuinely feel loved by this person. i really really think they would do the most for me and in return i try to do the very most for them. and weve supported major life crisis with each other. we’ve really emapthized and like wanted nothing but the best for each other and like cried with each other and this person is truly an example of why it might be worth giving people more chances.

but i experience such an isolating loneliness and my personal battle because life has decided i will and have experienced this is that i need to embrace being alone because of all the people who have hurt me. i am not prepared in any form to vouch for someone being okay. ive made so many excuses for shitty people and shitty behavior that deeply reflects and scarred my soul so fucking bad. im soooo tired of making excuses for shitty people. im really tired.

i try to bring up that he had fed me all this crap and he bounced between saying “i knew it wasnt true” that he was “pretending to be normal” and that he was still buying the land and he didnt understand why this was such a problem for me because “nothing changed” and finally that he was “sorry” and kept asking me what i wanted or what i wanted him to say and its so disgusting to put the victim in a position where they have to teach you what it is you did wrong when its so fucking obvious that you lied.

and so i thought about it briefly after hanging up and once again - dont get surgery. i was so uncomfortable now. i was like downtrodden and disrespected and nothing of what he said gave me confidence in fucking anything so i had a choice of pretending like it was all totally okay and watching him leave at the end or being upset about it and getting the bare minimum care from someone who kept filling my head with ideas that were never going to actually happen. so now im like vulnerable and have to experience this person no matter what and like i dont even want to talk to him now. im so shocked. lke the full weight of what he just did has not even set in fully but i know that its so fucking heavy it just changed my soul and like the minions are working overtime to figure out how to put this shit back together because i cannot even believe the level of how he trie to sell me on this shit and have zero fucking compassion towards the idea that he once again had to take a new path alone and “couldnt consider me anymore” but “nothing had changed”. dont be upset.

hes going to rehab.

and like im sorry i dont really believe in the recovery of this person other than the symbolic “i went to rehab” because he smokes weed. he refuses - flat out fucking refuses to see what actual fucing hurt he caused people and hes the only person who can work on these things and in no fucking way what so ever do i believe weed has any part of what hes doing. i really dont. if i can be proven wrong in the end ill take it back in respect but fuck him anyways because if a heroin addict shot me in the leg he still shot me in the fucking leg. forgive but im not forgetting.

like the shit he has made me do and go through is abysmal and hes never ever going to admit to anyone that he did these things to me so at no point is anyone going to turn to him and say uhm u did fucking what. so wheres my bonus in all of this when / if it all comes back in the spring and hes ready to go because omg guys he went to rehab and now hes enlightened and sober and better than all of us and still the giant piece of shit to me hes always been. and now more so because i still smoke weed and god u know im a real drug addict.

i told him i was uncomfortable with getting surgery knowing i would essentially be stuck with him for this time and right now i was just really uncomfortable and upset. he said that was fine but he was offering to “fulfill his obligation” of caring for me and he still loved me and if i only wanted him to come make meals and change my banages an leave then he would.

and its like man no. at this moment right now. right fucking now i am full realization that this is super abusive even if youre sick. even if youre sick. because i know this. i did this. and i did this very similarly u know like this woman loved me. she loved me and she cared for me but lke there was alot of things i id wrong like i was lazy and ungrateful and spoiled and a bitch but she cared for me and especially - ESPECIALLY if i was “sick” she really “cared for me” and that cleared her record. everytime i was sick - well u know she did this and this for u. but like she was killing me EVERY OTHER FUCKING DAY and all of this - al of this my whole life with this crazy woman was because she was sick. she was sick and this happened. and he was sick and this happened but like no matter the sickness this fucing HAPPENED. you damaged another persons soul like omg do u think u can get away with punching one of ur kids and going to mental ward one time and never ever have it brought up again no u damaged that kid and ur whole fucking family forever cuz ur sick.

so ur saying before you go to rehab you will come back and care for the person that you have to “have no concern over” thereafter and that person can have literally no fucking emotion like youre a fucking home care nurse they never met before. like omg. are you for real. am i dead? why am i crazy because i think this is uncomfortable, stressful and awkward for the legitimately physically ill person.

he says i can decide what i want, its my body but hes still offering to care for me and he doesnt want to play games because he was fine to take care of me and get surgery before he brought this up and i had already done this before and its like man why are you gaslighting me making me thinking my feelings about this are a manipulation tactic against you when its a legitimate fucking concern for my own well being and why is it insinuatingly so offensive that i switch to concern primarily for myelf when someone says theyre also doing the same thing. thats what makes you the most sick. and no one will ever reall see this. and its like when i realized i would never get anything back from my sick father and 10 years of caring for him and its just like damn. no one - no one will ever fully know what you did and thats how you actually won in all of this. even if i go out there and i say well he did this and this you already diminished my reputation of being like a logical level headed person in relationships and now i look fucing insane especially the embarassment of sticking around.

like i cant even explain all the ways it oesnt feel right to get this surgery. ive had nightmares of dieing and its a nothing surgery. like maybe the anasthetics kill me or something. i have a surprise heart attack from my years of smoking. and if that doesnt happen then im here with him and like i dont even want ot look up what the surgery is because im 50% still in hope that like ill jump right up and be cool and like have no problem taking care of myself and i overestimated how much care iw ould need and its all good. best case scenario. then 50% im like okay if the cyst is as bad as it was and theyre cutting out a whole chunk of flesh and stitching it my likely best case scenario is moderate swelling and pain, moderate body movement and anxiety over a fucking wound thats so deep and like ive never had such a deep wound before and in this area i cant even bend with a cyst and its stitched what if i bent and it ripped like fair enough i could ask many of these questions of my personal anxieties with a doctor. and maybe what really happens is a bit of both and i struggle with feeding and bathing myself and my biggest concern is the set of stairs to the apartment and living in disgusting filthy room.

so now im dealing with maybe a home care nurse level of care. im made some food. my bandage is changed and im left to fend for everything else even though there could be some limited mobility and stairs and just like.. not really being able to do anything strenuous and i imagine not alot of sitting and like this all sucks and now im watching the person i looked forward to the most feed me the bare minmum and leave. or he stays and is of more help and i fall into the same bullshit again. maybe he feeds me over and over these romantic bullshit lines like once i get out of rehab wel do this and this and blah blah blah because hes still fucking sick and theres no controlling what he will actually do so what he demonstrated is that hes unstable an i have no been freshly duped by him and i dont feel mentally strong enough to take the rollercoaster with him in any way shape or form.

as he was repeating some shit about needing to respect him getting care for himself, my phone died and i took a deep breath and put it dow and was kind of thankful that the fates of technology decided this for me because i was really really super done. i know hes serious about going and i know hes serious about having no concern for me because hes already done all of these things so everythhing that happens is tainted to yeah hes right - “i knew all along” that he was a lieing piece of shit and i was wasting my time.

and it bothers me that like on paper im like real shit luck in life, been through so much, have very little in posessions, no family and this person was like oh hey we’ll go do this and this and frolic through the land and its like do you even comprehend the weight of what you just did to this person. and to turn around and say make a way for yourself like im piggybacking off of you? omg.

theres like a top 5 worst people ive ever personally known. my mother almost always tops the list for pure longevity. i have an ex friend who turned so vicious it like fucked us both up in the long run and im bitter about it. my most recent friend would maybe me number 5, maybe in running with my alcoholic friend because besides being nice theyre terrible people. but in this list, possibly #2 has to be him. he is worse than my ex because my ex’s “sickness” was being dumb as fuck and hes like.. hes just dumb. hes not terrible hes just really dumb and like not a good person to be around and even though i got him arrested im not ure he would be top 5. he was just so dumb that im not like traumatize by him im just like man thats on me. thats rly rly on me. but this guy --- im not so fucking retared im just running back to a piece of shit to be shit on with zero fucking bonus to my life. this person has to actively participate in making me want to come back by actions and words. im not stuck with him at all. no money ties. i dont live with him. why woud i go back unless he was gving me something i wanted?

but he was never going to give me anything i truly wanted. and its my fault for sticking around. he told me all of this so i shouldve known even though “we’re going to have a sugar shack, we’re going to have a dog” - and just this mention of the word “we” was soooooooooooo fucking nice to me you have no idea. this really like.. stuck in my head and made me feel a tiny comfort like wow theres a we. i’m not just an i. i’m finally a we.

does he care? no he doesnt fucking care. hes sick. hes going to rehab.

the bestthing he could do is leave me alone. thats truly the very best option. my trust is broken. like nothing he says to me from this point on is believable or true or leads to anything substantial. i should put no weight at all on anything he says which makes any conversation with him totally useless. because even if our convo is political i dont believe thats what he believes anymore. maybe tomorrow he believes something else.

and if you love me. if you actually fucking love me you dont “love me to death”. thats not it. true love of me is an actual understanding of who i am and what ive been through, to really deeply respect where ive come from just lke i have to respect everyones living family my story should be equally respected and taken seriously and not toyed with. thats showing me a true love and if you cannot do this you need to step away and honestly man. its not like a step away for awhile and we’ll see like people are like wow ur so black and white but why am i fucking with a future you when both present and past blew it? there is no evidence to even back up future you and by the time future you outweighs all of this karmically, who the fuck cares that we ever knew each other its like some kid i sat beside in a classroom. like cool bro ur still alive wow nice. i never want to deal with him or anyting about him again. he made me carry so much of his weight he refuses to see it and i didnt need any of this in my life and i didnt ask for him to do any of this in my life. but i shouldve walked away sooooo long ago. i can reprimand myself fo this. but i also know im on my process and this is part of it. this is three years out. im not even homeless or fucked up im just like super sad about all of it.

he had this speech about how i had to get the surgery before because we had to be ready for spring. so he had intertwined this surgery with this proposed future and i had to do it to be prepared and show him im serious and now im like bro if i get one in 3 months who cares ill just go to the hospital again. this is an option. they never said i would die if i idnt get it. its just a like.. quality of life surgery. and my quality of life is shit anyways this surgery and these cysts mean nothing to me and having to go through all of this man.. at one point he had literally said “if you dont get surgery because of me then thats how itll have to be”

so you stepped on other people, you hurt other people and if they dont do a thing to better themselves because they have to deal with you “then so be it”? im going to ~rehab~.

i havent turned my phone back on for a few hours i guess and i really dont want to. he wont have done anything differnt, ill have gotten no messages but i dont know. i just.. i want to forget all of this. him, the surgery. just continue to hobbit for the month or something and “figure something out”.

0 notes

sick-kun · 6 years

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Sick-kun Chronicles: ch.5

I didn’t want to write this today, but fuck it. I reread all the other chapters for the first time in a long time and it inspired me to fix 5. It’s been so long since I’ve written in that style, so I felt my first drafts of 5 and 6 felt forced. 5 doesn’t feel forced anymore. So here ya go

Chapter 5 aka MORE TIME SKIPS >Alright, so its been a year and change since the events of chapter 4.5 (currently writing this on Feb 12th, 2018) so im gonna just give you guys the important shit for Ch.5 and admit im a liar and give you a ch.6 just so it makes more sense >March, 2017 >Things have been getting more Rocky Balboa between D and S >I rarely see D since she recently got a good job working for a cruise company as a sales woman. I'm focusing on finishing up school, since I was close to getting my bachelors and now working internships and time consuming porjects. >at most, have seen her 3 times since 4.5, but everytime we're still all playfull and flirty between each other >feels bad/good man >One Thursday night, im sitting sitting in my room playing HOTS because im a huge faggot and I love bad games >For the sake of immersion, my rooms changed a bit. I still have my big ol bed, but got rid of the headboard so its pretty much just a matress on wheels, for the sake of making space. Plus I have a desk for my computer and 2 monitors. Nightstand still there, so is the dresser. >Lets continue >I'm running through ranked, but stuck in Silver Hell because I love bad games UNTIL >Random call from D. Random because at this point, she only calls me in case of emergencies. >"Hey anon, whats up?" >I can hear from the background noise that she's either at an event or a restaurant, so its got me curious to what she's calling me for. >My clackity clacks (Fuck I love mechanical keyboards) stop so I can find out >"Hey D, im just STUDYING at home. whatre you up to?" >she doesn't need to know about my bad gaming habits >"I'm at a bar with my coworkers, I've been talking about a smart friend all night and they want to meet you. And I miss you anon, so come?" >its been a while Snake, huh? >Im a little conflicted >Brain: "...you're so close to gold, play ranked instead faggot" >Solid Snake:"GO GET PUSSY FAGGOT" >They both have valid arguments >"Yeah D, one second, I'll head over now" >Never makes it to gold >Get to the place where the bar is and D meets me outside. about a 40 minute drive from my house and I hate going to areas where I'm unfamiliar of where I'm at. >She immediately comes up to me and pulls me to her like a Thresh hook once I find her >(fuck you, I like mobas) >Its been a while since ive seen her, so her same scent and warmth all came back to me. >lust guage appears on screen >Bar is packed, sportball is going on >We hug and she leads me by the hand to meet her coworkers, her smiling the whole time >5% >We get to the table and I get to meet her 3 coworkers. 2 chicks on one side of the table, both fat and unnatractive, and one dude on the other side who looks like he’s in his mid twenties, but I immediately start getting beta vibes from him >I'm an alpha now, I can sense those >Spoiler: he's a beta. Not a threat, he has a longtime gf >3% >I let alpha anon take over when i introduce myself: firm handshakes to beta worker, kisses on the cheeks to ladies. I entertain them with funny banter and conversation >Holy fuck I was bored. The only reason I was even trying was to make D happy, but she was, so I didn't mind too much >Join them for a round of shots, have a beer, and just shoot the shit with them >UNTIL >"Hey anon, ill be right back, let me go get S" >S WAS COMING?? >Brain:"WHAT?" >Solid snake:" fuck nigga" >ugh, not a surprise, but just unexpected. I dont want to deal with her >So S gets there with a friend(1/10. No personality. Most likely reading this story) and as S sits down she gives me that petty white girl hand wave. I could tell she was thinking "Hi bitch" when she did it >I smile back and said "Hi" >I had all the capacity to flip the table on her >I didn't flip the table on her. > I regret it >S and her papermate friend join in on the convo with us at the table, and funny enough, D and S are not getting along >Coworkers dont really know whats going on, papermate has been sitting in her seat wordless, and S and D are throwing Russia v. USA level passive aggression towards each other >I'll best you today, thot >S glares at me every few seconds >Casually make eye contact and don't break until she looks away to argue with D >Not today >decide to diffuse this three-way loathing by asking D where the bathroom is. Atleast to give a break from this uncomfortable tension >D ends up walking me towards it to also take a breather. Obviously, she's stressed. >I take a quick piss and wait for D outside the bathrooms >Important to note: D at this point was drunk. She was already tipsy when I got there, but she wasn't "Let me down this bottle of vodka" drunk, but more like "Anon could've been ranked gold right now but i made him come here to watch me argue with my gf, so let me drink that away" drunk >As im waiting, I hear something from the women's bathroom going on >D and S come out of the bathroom arguing, and D pushes the shit out of S >DID S FUCKING FOLLOW US TO THE BATHROOM? >TO JUST START A FIGHT WITH D IN THE WOMEN'S BATHROOM?!? >Yes >I come between them and seperate the cat fight before it happens. Papermate continues to do a great job as a useless background character as this happens. >D is telling S to just leave her alone and I don't bother getting involed in what the fight was about, it just wasn't the place or time >Thank God the bar was full of people watching sportball, so no one really noticed what was going on >situation relatively diffused >I walk outside with D. Her coworkers were outside to get away from the noise inside, plus the 2 coworker chicks were leaving >Im outside with D, and S is inside with papermate, who im now starting to like to write about >We stay talking with beta coworker outside, who for the morst part is a pretty nice guy, but I still get the vibe that he wants D. D wants friends so I'm not surprised she doesn't notice his offhand vibes. >Beta Coworker:"Hey D, you wanna come over by my place and smoke?" >D:"sure, but only if anon can come" >50% >I go, knowing im not gonna smoke since i wasnt in the mood, but just to be around D since she's stressed and I don't trust Beta coworker >I drive D and head towards beta's house. The entire idea made me unhappy since this nigga lives by my neighborhood >Which means I just drove 40 minutes to a bar, to then drive back around my area, and then drive back to that bar to drop off D at her car, TO THEN DRIVE BACK FUCKING HOME >oh yeah, S left with papermate. I like Papermate >D and I head over to beta's house and gossip like girls and talk shit about S >More so me talking shit about S >We stop by a nearby gas station to get some Dutches(the best bluntwraps) for the weed-ing >We step out of my car and D immediately starts holding my hand and grabbing onto my arm. The whole "interlaced fingers and head against my shoulder" and all >HNNNNNG.jpg >We get inside just like....it was a really warm feeling. We walk up to the clerk, still hands laced, and I ask for the Dutches. >Clerk smiles through the whole transaction >Clerk:"you two are a lovely couple" >HNNNNNG.mov >Me: "Thank you" >69% >We walk out of the station and get back in my car, where D grabs my hand again >I look at her and give her hand a squeeze, just trying to comfort her. I know where the position I am in her life is...and its so confusing. I could just stare into her eyes and be happy that I actually made her night a little better, because imagine if I didn't go. She would be stuck with beta, would've gotten into a fight with S that could've ended worse, and....yeah lets stop >I know its random, but looking back, I don't hate V. I was jealous of her back in highschool because she was with the person I wanted to be with...but now is different >I have genuine disgust for S >and yet >its funny, you ever think one of your favorite memories is just holding hands with someone in a gas station, getting complimented by the clerk saying that you two look like lovebirds? >it was like a glimpse into the future? or maybe, just a moment I wish I could've froze in time >oh yeah, D and I are still making eye contact. I was lost in thought then(like now)....but her eyes are OP and always bring me back to consciousness >Please nerf her in the next patch >My hands move almost by instinct and brush her hair out of her face, then run along her jawline >75% >My brain:"Kiss her" >Solid Snake:"Kiss her" >I kiss her >I lean in and my lips meet hers. Time can go by between her and I, but damn, it still felt as good as the first time I kissed her >Her lips were tender and soft. I've missed this feeling and I could't help but want her moar >What started out as lips touching quickly turned into tongues being reacquanted...She knew my every sensitive spot, and you're darn skippy I knew hers >Things got hotter. I went for her lips for a light bite, not hard enough to hurt, but hard enough to hear her breathing heavier >Her thighs shuffle and point towards me, the sound of the leather seats in my car giving it away >Is it just me or is making out in the front seats always kinda awkward? >She started to suck on my tongue, teasing me every second by moving it deeper into her mouth. I pulled back every so often, just to hear her let out little moans of satisfaction when I licked her lips >I reached for her hips and pulled her a bit closer to me, her left leg now nearly completely over the shift(awkward positioning, told ya). My fingers moved now to her thighs, and even through jeans, I could feel how soft they were >Her breathing got heavier and her moaning was more constant, just more fuel for me to run my hand closer between her thighs >My penis is adamantium >95% > D's hand makes it way towards my lap >96% >Seems her hand was looking for something it wanted....can't guess what >and im so tired of this story trope, but I'd be a liar if I said it didnt happen.... >HER PHONE GOES FUCKING OFF >I SHOUL'VE THROWN THAT COCKBLOCKING CUNT OUT THE WINDOW YEARS AGO >mfw I realize this story is about me vs a cellphone >but honestly, I was out of it at this point mentally, not by the phone call, but by what I felt. My boner was at the point of going even further beyond an ascended super saiyan, but fuck, I never thought a phone call would be the reason I wanted to commit a murder >Yeah, its fucking S >I try not to listen, but I catch bits and pieces and figure it out from D's replies >"Ummm Anon....I want to go home soon. like really soon" >"What happened? whats wrong?" >I knew, but I asked, just to see if it would help with the situation >"...S is worried about me now over the fight...I need to go talk to her. Let's still stop by beta's house to smoke...I just want to calm down before I speak to her" >10% >That distressed voice that I've been so accustomed to hearing >It still fucking breaks me >"umm yeah but D, what about your car?" >"Ill go get it tomorrow in the morning..." >0% >Lust guage dissapears off the screen >i guess this is where the older me takes over. I wish I could tell you every detail of how pissed I was, but I just felt the younger me took control and let waves of calmness wash over me . >I didn't want to yell at her for going back to some fucking idiot who has no respect for their significant other. >I didn't want to stress a situation not involving me directly with my own feelings >I didn't want to be selfish at that moment, I just wanted to help her through it >"well if you want to go...then yeah...lets go" End Ch.5

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omegacunt-blog · 7 years

Text

my view of time with the love of my life.

im sad i hate my home im moving to christchurch i know it will hurt my girl but its best for me and we have been distant already as it is "babe we need to talk" yes we do im leaving you and moving to christchurch im sorry but its best for me right now "i cheated on you when do you want your things" i knew then that i wasnt going to love again fuck that i packed my shit only 1 bag and got the next flight to christchurch i met my father at the airport and went back to his place we got a pack of smokes and went for a walk into the cbd because i told him i like walking we walked for hours talking about how we have been and what we do for fun we get to a giant arch thing and he see's one of his friends so i sit down and start scrolling instagram i was posting angry shit about my ex cheating on me blah blah and i figured i need new friends so i start following people and i come across this one page of this chick with red hair "wow she is really hot no way id have a chance with her ill try it anyway" we ended up going home and i stalked her instagram all night because i couldnt sleep she was really cute holy hell 3 days past and i was talking to the girls i had things with and i started to feel un satisfyed i got nudes every day from like 6 people how could i not be satisfyed i finally get some balls and message her but what do i say i said the most amazingly horrible opener "do you like memes" oh god ive fucked it im really weird somehow it worked we are talking now i dont remember what we said exactly but all i remember is getting her number right away and telling her we are in an extremely open no ties relationship which somehow worked it was really weird we started talking about neither of us ever liking each other we talked about how much we liked drinking we talked about our music i loved talking to her i soon found myself spending all day and night talking to her and thinking about her and finding myself at burgerking using the wifi just so i could keep talking to her i drank alot and i eventually ended up cutting my girls off without knowing i cant say i missed them because it would be a lie she was all i thought about it soon came time to meet her and i remember drinking a whole bottle of jagermeister and smoking a bit to get some confidence wow she is beautiful in person i wanna get close to her i want to talk to her all night i tried showing off to impress her like a 9 year old kid with a crush im writing this now with that same crush we were walking back to her house and i was still showing off i ended up getting arrested so i fucked with the cops for a bit before i got put in cuffs and taken home i put my foot out the car door and they both spent 20 minutes trying to put it in the car i almost told them i was carrying a knife i talked about her the whole way home and as soon as i got home i walked an hour to her house where she made me sit on the lawn because she didnt trust me it was okay i was fine with just being there she came and sat next to me and she asked me if i liked being scratched and she started scratching my left arm it kinda hurt but i liked it because she was doing it **it also why i burn the skin off my left arm** her friend started running around with a shopping cart and she kissed me on the cheek it was the first time ive been kissed on the cheek and it felt amazing i dont know why i just stared at her and said "oh" i was speechless and then we went inside and sat for a couple hours before i left and she told me to hug her so i did and i left feeling extremely happy i walked an hour in the wrong direction and then eventually got home i fell asleep right away thinking about her we continued to hang out for another 2 weeks and then she came around to my place and we drank and smoked cigarettes with her friend zion and we ended up cuddling for a couple hours before she left i hated it when she left 3 days later i watched her be with another guy it ripped me apart everytime i seen them kiss i hated the fact that she even sat close to him i was extremely jealous i think its easy to say jealousy is my biggest weakness it eats me alive its caused many of my scars and its the reason behind my anxiety and trust issues that day was the day we started going down hill i told her i loved her and i had feelings for her and she returned them i asked her out and she turned me down it really hurt and it took her 2 days for an explanation "i want to be with you and i will soon i promise just wait" and thats what i did i waited and watched her be with another it really hurt me that she could say all these things to me and then turn around and do things with another guy it should be me if she doesnt like him why is she doing this with him and not me i want it i deserve it she ends up getting high and she turned into a different person she told me to come see her so i walked an hour and a half and all i got when i got there was "dude just leave me alone im to high for this i dont want to see you" i told her i was done i cant love her if she doesnt love me oh but she says she does but where is the actual love? i dont feel it all i feel is disgust **thats why i dont like her smoking weed** i walked an hour and a half home after not seeing her and being told to leave her alone i was angry so i shut myself off for 2 days and when i finally texted her back i went over to her house i didnt know that would be the last time id see her she was upset and she sat on her chair in silence so i sat on the floor and we were silent for a while before she came and hugged me i hate myself for not hugging her back she was hurt and i knew it but all i could think about was how angry what she said made me i was closed off we said nothing the whole time untill i got uo and said goodbye and jumped out her window i didnt even look at her as i left i hated it after that day everything is black all i did was drink my pain away eventually she decided it was time to cut me off "its best for you" she said i felt hurt i felt betrayed i was angry not at her but at myself if i had of done things differently it wouldve been better we wouldve worked i tried for weeks to get her back but failed every time i ended up having drinks with her friend i met at sparks in the park which was another time that i hated but loved i was with her i loved it but she kissed a guy infront of me i hated that **i didnt know he was gay at the time** and she ignored me most of the night unless she wanted me to stand behind her so she felt hidden and then she ditched me anyway back to the drinks i remember aysia telling me to invite pagan and i didnt have the courage to tell aysia i ruined everything with her so i just said "nah she is probably busy she wont wanna come here" from then onwards for the next 3 months was also black it was a spiral of alcohol and bad decisions my life was fucked up and all i wanted was for her to text me saying she still loved me i moved into a new house in pegasus and i noticed she unblocked me i messaged her and she said "leave me alone i dont want to talk to you im tryna hold it down for a nigga" and then she blocked me that really fucking hurt i started burning myself for the first time and drank every day there was alot of parties i had alot of alcohol drank but not once was i able to move on or forget about her i got home from driving one night and i had a text from her i nearly died from excitement she is finally back my life is finally happy again "well heres hoping we never meet huh? -your not so friendly demon (aka the guy who doesnt think with his dick and is with pagan and wants to make you choke on your teeth" that was the most painful text i ever got in my life not only did i get proof she had moved on but he wanted to hurt me for some reason did she say i hurt her? did she talk shit about me? i hated it i blocked her number and punched a hole in my wall the drinking continued the pain got worse untill months later she messaged me on instagram apologising for everything i was hesitant to let her back into my life i had to think about it she broke me many times already am i willing to go through everything again i never stopped loving her we talked about how our lives were things were good it took 1 hour for me to get hurt again when i found out she was still with **my not so friendly demon** i hated that and i hated seeing photos of them together and him talking shit to me and seeing them love each other and hearing her talking about doing things to him i was jealous notice a patern? something happened and she left him and i asked her out she was finally going to be mine she said yes im so happy everything is amazing this is why i love her i love her for the good times and i still love her through the bad i remember sharing a tiny bed i hated it i was embarrassed but she put up with it for me i remember first having sex with her ill never forget how uncomfortable it made her she hated sex but she tried it with me the first 2 times we had sex i didnt cum but i made sure she did i didnt care if i got no pleasure as long as she did i was happy i loved cuddling with her drinking with her smoking with her i loved listening to music with her talking to her everything she loved my niece and that meant alot to me ive never been happier in my life and she gave that to me i cant thank her enough i remember how it felt to cuddle her how it felt when we had sex it was amazing she was the best fuck ive ever had and i couldnt get enough i wouldnt to fuck her all the time i wanted to cuddle constantly i wanted to see her laugh every day i wanted to listen to her talk for hours i never wanted anything to end but it had to a piece of me died everytime she left my house i remember our first argument it was about me talking about the past i miss everything the kisses hugs sex the cuddling the waking up in the morning and seeing her face and hearing her say i love you as the first thing we went for a walk one day to the beach after having sex and we just walked and held hands for hours untill we went home that was my happiest day on earth and id rather keep the things about that day to myself for a future story im not going to go into detail about our final days but we eventually ended it i cried for hours i hated myself how could i do that to her why did i do that to her she came around one last time and i wanted to break down and cry and beg for her back but i had to pretend to be strong we shared a cigarette she cried we hugged kissed and she left the final goodbye will replay in my head forever i cried and yelled for 2 days straight and i found out that she had already moved on it felt like she had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it spat on it and burnt it im sure she fucking hated me she fucked another guy so soon i fucking hated it i burnt every inch of my arm i even tried cutting myself but burns hurt more she likes this guy and its just lhbarflerbkjbSFEkSJ fuck this fuck everything i cant fucking finish this anyway this is the fucking story about me and the love of my life the one and only girl of my dreams the girl who i still to this second love with all i have left of my heart through thick and thin good and bad i still love you forever and always will -shane xx

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somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years

Text

i spoke it out loud.

i spend like.. alot of time in my head now. no one cares to hear things without giving their dumbass opinion. sometimes i just need to say it out loud and today i opened up to a friend ive bonded very close with but havent been in alot of contact with which meant i had to explain scenarios from start to finish - not brief blips of anxiety fueled thoughts about details.

today i felt publically embarassed. it really, really bothered me that for all ive heard and listened to from him he bailed on my show that he volunteered to be apart of two fucking months ago. it wasnt like i forced him to be involved. i didnt even ask him like i wanted him to do it. it was very casual do you want to be apart of it - sure.

i dont think you understand. under all the shitty men ive stuck it out with being treated like a lesser human while building a reputation and skill in my field FROM FUCKING NOTHING while people fucking died and break ups i id nothing but GET FUCKING BETTER. not a god damn thing stopped me because i kept my personal life seperate.

but this didnt start seperate. and like i think he sees this as nothing when its fucking everything to me and im fucking tired of people seeing it as some junk hobby i do because im “unemployed”. and look - even i can see how fucked up it can be sometimes but people enjoy what i do. i give back to MY community which is compromised of atleast 100+ more people and giving back to a community is not defined in lare fucking numbers like i have to contribute to the whole of society. maybe i fucking am.

and i am really... im angry. im just straight up fucking angry and these things never even came up. none of this is questioned. he didnt insult me. he fucking BAILED which is probably the biggest insult of them all. like... i even brought up the fact he coul be about to cheat on me and i’m more pissed that he insulted me in such a way. do i have a fucking degree? do i pull a paycheck? no. but this is fucking valuable. i see it everytime my miserable piece of shit ass pulls together a gathering or event. the fucking city approached me because i created a product they wanted and for the fucking INTEGRITY of the community i stood up and offered my professional reputation on the line to do better. and you cant show up to a fucking 16 person event and read a god damn story? really? that is an embarassment on my behalf to my personal colleagues and god damnit i fucking live here and i have no choice but to work with this because i want better now not 5 years down the road when im all settled and everything is just a thing i do on the weekends. why cant i contribute now. why cant i build myself this way.

so even if you thin these colleagues are unworthy - you stepped into my fucking realm and you so deeply disrespect something i have built from nothing. my professional reputation is associated with your piece of shit fly by night ass and you know what? my fucking bad. i would never in a million years put up with this shit from anyone not puttin gtheir dick in me so this is absolutely ridiculous. i cant even tolerate this in myself any longer and i hope - honestly - i fucking hope you used this as a leaping point into your big break up because this is what’ll make it stick. right. because you “cant fuck someone else” to solidify an ending but you can assault me in multiple ways.

and we both fucking know. we both legitimately fucking know what happened and thats why were not fucking and thats why youre not trying. this - this is all just natural now. and when they ask me ill have to act dumb - oh i have no idea why hes just this crazy guy its what he does when we both know and this sick twisted brain turned to fucking shit. who rehashes such shit. i was with a guy for way fucking longer than almost any of my current peers and i am not fucking with him but you dont think we didnt grow up together? we ha a whole fucking lifetime together, really. i shared an entire thing that no one else fucking knows about but us but you think i ned to rehash that shit with him? fuck no.

ironic right. i wanted to say how toxic it is to be addicted to the past but i would know. i would fucking know the most and we’re all matthew mccougnhey in dazed nd confused addicted to the past to the nostalgia care free late teens early 20s but we’re fucking old and everyone else has grown up but us and we’re here in the ghettos of the wasted suburbs, drinking and smoking weed to numb the fact that we hit our peaks at 16.

do i even give a fuck? like i give A fuck. clearly. im thiining about it. but not in the sense that im hurt. like its some deep offense that he would do such things. i have never believed a word he has said about our relationship. i believe any mention of long term past next week is a fucking joke. but he’s also incredibly kind to me. an i dont think at all that he would carry on some “affair” in private - THATS not our deal.

i dont care that hes talking to her. the grief process is hard and this is a fucked up situation. that doesnt bother me. i think its super wrong to carry on a relationship with this person in close measures but finding a path through grief - whether 2,3,5 years; i get it. does he need to fuck her? nope. and i have had a strange enough relationship - i am not interested in carrying on one tht is knowingly false.

he told me he didnt love me a few weeks ago. before that in another major blow up he mentioned how that particular fight woul lead to a “scar” that woul sit on the relationship. not that it woud be brought up again but acknowledging that he was and is creating real scars emotionally and mentally. it’s not manipulative - i’m here of my own freewill, i deal of my own free will. and this happens not often enough to be a malicious attempt at control. and we dont talk about things. ever. an entire year where we have never spoken about the details of these things we both COMPLEteLY KNOW ABOUT. like we both know he kind of sexually assaulted me for real. and isay for real because of the nature of our relationship but we both strayed from the necessary things for such a relationship that wouldve led to this not even happening and i dont “blame” myself. i absolutely did not want to have sex with him. absolutely did not. i said i did not want to have sex with him. i said no. i did not physically stop him in any way because of the nature of our relationship and the disrespect of my own body as well as maybe a need for approval from him because i associate sex in an intimate romantic relationship as an expression of love from a sexual person. and its hard because i do legitimately feel asexual; i have no interest. i have actual no interest and i feign interest or find ways to be interested to a degree but i dont care. so i am in a position where i am frequently disconnectin from the physical act happening to my body because i may not even be necessarily enjoying it on that sexual level. to me its an appendage inserted in a hole and it’s kind of invasive and a really od experience with someone. like its just odd to do that with a person and share eachother like that - TO ME. but this is like fighting homosexuality. i cant argue a sexual persons desires.

so i enter a relationship already essentially to a technical definition being assaulted. im never truly having consensual sex because i have no desire but i guess i do consent to the invasion of my body. i dont disagree with it happening because if i love you i dont really care if thats your thing. its not that big of a deal. brushing your teeth, taking a shower. all just things you do. this is what a majority of eople do.

but we both fucking know. no matter how many times we had sex where it started with a playful no we both know i absolutely did not want this. my body did not even want it and he still kept going and i was not even making noise and he still kept going and the air was not right when it was over because he STILL KEPT GOING. i was not upset. i did not cry. i didnt lament for hours on it. i turned over and went to sleep because he didnt hurt me. he broke my trust. i’m not traumatized by the experience, i wont put him on the “bad boyfriend” list and make him out to be a predator because hes not. i dont know why he did this. maybe he thought it was okay and he convinced himself it was okay when it wasnt.

we didnt talk about this. we didnt mention it at all but when he heard no next time he immediately stopped. when he heard it again, he immediately stopped. and everytime after, his hands immediately dropped from my body. we both know. can he apologize? we both know. i know he knows. there is zero reason for this change in behavior.

the last time i saw him he drove me to his house so i could smoke weed because of period cramps. and then he dropped out. hes too far in the dog house now and hes not even going to try to get out. this is tooooooo far. on top of everything else when im literally doing nothing but existing in my own shit life. i already look at him now and i dont see the same thing and i want to. but i keep asking myself what the fuck is this where are we going. and ive asked it for an entire year. i asked it so much his face changed and im still the same because i have a need to not give up even when its time.

and you know. had he called me and said im tired/got home late/too much traffic /tried & failed on story and made a genuine effort to seem apologetic on a personal level to me id probably be okay. but instead he just said “sorry. not going.” and ignored all further calls and texts. thats disgusting and like im trying and have been trying really hard to mentally be a better person and this was one of those times he had an opportunity to not do this and he did exactly what i would expect him to do following a stupid message like that.

now what? now hes created a thing. now i gotta wait the fucking 2 - 3 days for him to think i forgot about it or am not as angry so we can sit in the same room, not talk about it and carry on as normal.

but you know what? i was pissed. and i ruminated. but i didnt act. i sent a succinct few messages less than 160 characters asking him to call me and asking if there was any way to get a ride and moved on because all i know is that he’s never goingt o be involved in any of my professional shit ever again. hes totally disbarred from this project and even though hes been a big supporter in the past i dont need this emotional drama involved. totally ot worth it an not valuable to anyone so i dont need a long message because im just going to do whatever i want an not involve him. he doesnt need a big dramatic thing about it. and fuck you that i cant even get a ride. why even waste the energy involved in the dramatic message. thats my message this time. my message is the time he absolutely 100% expects me to send the ramatic message.

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